ol' jack spratt

by thatguy45

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Dark, Comedy, Romance
Length: 800

a leprechaun by the name of jack spratt visits ponyville.

hi, my names jack. jack spratt to be specific. and before you ask, no i can't eat fat. sort of a tic. any way, i'm a leprechaun. a good old fashioned one too. none o' that wee folk business. shape-shiftin', makin' infernal deals, hordin' gold, drinkin' my brains out, etc, etc. we~ell, after a couple hun'red thousand years of tormenting humans, i got bored. then ponies. smart ones. a couple thousand years later, and they had set up a pretty nice so-ci-ety. after scammin' the whole a Ireland, i decided to take a small, hundred year vacation in equestria.

that was mistake number one.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-11 19:01:33 UTC

one

"Hey twilight?"

"Yes pinkie?"

"You know that we have a private car?"

"Yes?"

"Then who's that?"

Twilight looked over to where pinkie was pointing, and indeed, a unicorn was sitting on the other side of the car. He had a dark green coat, with an orange mane and tail, with slight hints of grey. His cutie mark was a pot of gold with a rainbow coming out. He didn't look like he was doing anything; just staring out the window with a faraway look, but rainbow dash didn't see it that way.

"Hey jerk!"

"Yes?" he turned to face the angry Pegasus.

"This is a private car."

"Okay, sorry, I’ll leave. There wasn't any room in the other car, but i guess i can just sit on the floor." she grinned at winning so easily, but she was met with disproving glares from her friends.

"Shame on ya, rainbow dash! Ah thought that you had a conscience!"

"But-"

"Whatever your gonna say, don't. Excuse me sir!" the green unicorn turned his head. "You can sit here."

"Thanks." he sat back down, and looked back out the window.

"Excuse me, sir?"

"Yes?"

"Um, what are you thinking about?"

"My home. It’s long gone, and i was kicked out of the remains."

"That’s so sad. Why did they kick you out?"

The corners of his mouth twitched. "I scammed them all into buying one left shoe. It was great."

The butter yellow Pegasus talking to him giggled. "I know someone who would love that."

"Discord?"

"Ye- how did you know that?"

"I know lots of things. I also know that your name is fluttershy, and you’re an animal caretaker, and you've been friends with rainbow dash for as long as you can remember. Also your real hair color is black."

"Wow!" her eyes sparkled. "Are you a fortune teller?"

"No i-"

"Hey girls! This guys a fortune teller!"

'Me and my big mouth.'

The first on to reach him jumped in and said, "do me!"

"Your name is pinkie pie. You were raised on a rock farm, and you got your cutie mark when a sonic rainbow washed over. It excited you so much that you just had to express your joy to everypony else. Also, you lost you virginity at age 11 to cheese sandwich, who was age 15." she turned into a beet.

"I've never told any pony that! Wow, your really good!" the orange pony that told him he could stay came next.

"Your name is applejack apple. You were raised on a farm and ran away at age 6 to manehattan. You came back shortly afterwards and never left. You’re a virgin but you enjoy reading steamy romance novels out loud. That’s why you invested in sound proof walls and doors."

She brought her Stetson down and tried to hide her blush.

"The next one who was going to come up is named rarity belle. She is 31 years old and got her cutie mark after her rump was dragged to a rock. The rock shattered and to turned to diamonds, which she used to make dresses for a pageant. She hides her age via spa treatments once a week. She is in no way a virgin." she fainted, a goofy smile on her face.

"And I’m not a fortune teller. I could tell you your future, but nothing's free. And you might make things worse. Twilight know the most about that. She almost got trapped in a loop of going back a week to tell her past self about a cataclysm, then she finds out that it wasn't a cataclysm at all, just her going crazy." she nodded.

"Wait. I have a question. What day is Celestia's birthday?" she grinned. Only five ponies knew that.

"Well, five more are going to now. Her birthday is March 18, AC 18." the purple alicorn looked at him in awe. Then it clicked.

"You’re reading our minds!"

He grinned. "Bingo."

She was about to berate him about the seriousness of his actions when the train whistled.

"It appears that we have reached our destination. Good day. He picked up a green hat that she was surprised that she hasn't seen before and put it on his head. And he was tall. At least as tall as the princesses. Maybe even taller. He looked really intimidating from her perspective. Pinkie, however, didn't seem effected by that.

"Hey! What’re you doing in ponyville?"

"Well, i 'accidentally' scammed the entirety of my country into buying one left shoe. So i decided to take a extra long vacation." he shrugged.

"So your a new pony?" her smile grew to huge proportions, and she took in a breath.

Five minutes later, and she had stopped singing. He was on the ground, unconscious.