Chapter 1: You Are What You Eat
One of the oddest things to see when you walk back home is a draconequus under considerable stress. Fluttershy was not quite prepared for the sight of Discord stretched out on a mahogany couch, lapping at a bowl of ice cream while sobbing quietly. The scene was so unexpected, Fluttershy just stood there with her mouth slightly agape.
“It’s so tragic!” he bawled, spooning a generous dollop of cooled sugar, cream, and the happiness of all the foals in the world into his mouth. With every bite he felt a little better, but the sensation was like shovelling dirt into an oubliette. He held out his arms, sniffing. “I think I need a hug.”
Fluttershy didn’t hesitate. In a moment, she flitted across the room and gave the tearful draconequus a hug.
“There there,” she said wrapping her arms around him with some difficulty.
“Thanks,” he croaked. “But… I… Can’t… Breathe!”
“Oh my!” Fluttershy exclaimed, quickly flinging herself back from the gasping Lord of Chaos. Discord coughed for a few moments before settling down. With a snap of his claws a stage light appeared and he relaxed under the limelight, settling into a dramatic fainting pose.
Taking the cue, Fluttershy timidly approached his splayed form.
“Uhm, what’s wrong Discord? If you don’t mind me asking, that is.”
Discord wept a few more tears for effect and then flung his arms out wide.
“Oh nothing is wrong,” he cried, summoning hay fries. He stuffed it in his mouth greedily and took a slurp from a milkshake that materialised by his head. “This is a strategy.”
Fluttershy shifted from hoof to hoof uneasily. “You’ll, uhm, need to be more specific than that if you want me to help you,” she prompted him quietly.
Discord blinked at the pegasus before comprehension dawned upon him.
“You don’t know!” he droned in between gulps of vegetable broth and pancake. “I should—” *nom* “—really—” *gulp* “—show you!”
Fluttershy was getting a little queasy watching the draconequus stuff mouthful after mouthful of delectable culinary treats. Pizza, cucumber sandwiches, fruits and vegetables, omelettes and some food that Fluttershy couldn’t quite identify, all of it was summoned and subsequently devoured. Even Angel—looking on from the background—was perturbed. If one could ask the rabbit what he thought when he saw the mouth of Discord open, he’d reply: ‘the end of the universe… and I think there’s a cherry pie there’.
“Uhm Discord,” she started, trying to interject in between the ravenous demolition of all things edible. “Maybe you should slow down.”
“But it’s part of the problem!” he said, as a salad disappeared down his gullet. Fluttershy opened her mouth and then shut it. She swore the bowl had Angel’s name on it before it disappeared.
“I don’t understand,” she replied, eyeing jellybeans filing down a slide into his widening maw.
“Oh right,” Discord muttered, his voice muffled by a croissant jammed in his mouth. “I forgot to show you.” He snapped his claws and a flier materialised in front of Fluttershy.
“The Centennial Immortal or Very-Long-Lived Eating Contest?” she read out loud in disbelief.
“You would not believe the type of competition we have this year!” The draconequus summoned a couple of dolls and figurines of Celestia and Luna eating small cakes. Luna was gobbling them up one by one, whilst Celestia was eating cakes at a calm but methodical pace. Somehow, Celestia seemed to be winning even though it seemed like Luna was eating the confectionaries faster. The look of incredulity from Luna almost made Fluttershy burst into a giggling fit. With difficulty, Fluttershy tore her gaze away from the spectacle.
“I still don’t understand why you were so upset…”
“Oh right, my new strategy!” Discord snapped his claws again, summoning a board with various interconnected dots and pieces of coloured string connecting news clippings, journal articles and hoof-written notes. In the centre were two words underlined and circled with a red marker several times.
“Stress-eating?” Fluttershy questioned. Her ear flicked doubtfully.
“Yes! I did some research—” he shuddered “—I even asked Twilight… and we found out that stress-eating would be the winning strategy for this competition!” Discord crowed, he did a fist bump and danced on the spot. Then he stopped and cocked his head. “Oh now, I can’t do it anymore, you’re cheering me up too much.” He slumped down on the couch grumpily.
Fluttershy gave him a sheepish smile, but then a thought occurred to her. “Won’t you get sick from eating so much?” she queried, concern etched all over her face.
“Oh Fluttershy, don’t you worry, I’m a veteran at this. I’m not in this to win anyway.”
Fluttershy gestured to the flier his face a mask of confusion. “But if you’re not in this to win, what could you possibly want from this competition?”
“To beat Celestia of course!” He summoned a bowl of strangely coloured cereal and licked it clean. “Their expression is what makes this all worth it! I mean there’s other competition, but they’re not a threat, it’s always down to us three. I can’t wait to get first place this time!” At that, he rubbed his paw and his claws together in glee and his eyes gleamed in anticipation.
Curiosity got the better of Fluttershy and she tilted her head to the two model figurines of the Princesses. “Who’s participating in this round, then? Is it just the Princesses and yourself?”
Discord eyed the pegasus while tipping jelly into his mouth. He slurped it down, and made it as loud as he possibly could. The sound rocked a few window panes and made Fluttershy ‘eep’ in concern. Discord paid no heed though, summoning a black book and flipping through the pages.
“Hmm.” He scratched his froth-stained beard with a claw. “No, no, deposed, overthrown, imprisoned, dematerialised, demarcated, dethroned, deleted, disposed… yes, yes, no, no, maybe, right, right, left.” He snapped the book closed and it sprouted wings. He shooed the book away, it flapped a couple of times and then exploded into confetti.
“Looks like the Princesses and myself are the only ones in the competition, there are a few dragons but they’re still digesting last century’s round,” he explained. He grinned smugly. “There’s another entrant, didn’t catch the name, but I don’t think they’ll be a bother.”
Fluttershy glanced at the cottage windows. The sun was starting to set. Did it hesitate for just a moment?
“Oh alright, but do you think the Princesses will be okay?”
Discord smiled good naturedly. “Oh they’ll be fine, alicorns can eat whatever they want and they’ll keep their figure.” He frowned. “Cheaters,” he accused, snapping his claw as his stomach ballooned outwards. It hesitated for a moment before dropping back to size.
Fluttershy smiled, her shoulders sagging in relief. “Oh thank goodness,” she sighed. “I don’t know what I would have done if—Discord!”
The table was swarming with animated animal crackers. Discord was frozen with a guilty expression. He held one of the struggling animal crackers aloft as it struggling to free itself from the claw precariously positioned above his mouth.
“What?” he said with an innocent pout. “I have to make this fun for me too!”
“You can’t do that!” she cried. “That’s mean!”
“Oh alright,” Discord groused moodily. The animal crackers disappeared. “Happy?”
“Oh no!” Fluttershy cried. “Are they okay?”
Discord rolled his eyes. “They’re fine Flutters, they, uhh, had to go somewhere.”
—————
Meanwhile, in Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie was singing softly to herself.
“Put the cake batter in the tray and then place it in the oven—” Pinkie opened the oven and fell back surprised as animated animal crackers marched out of the oven and milled about the kitchen.
“Wha-What? I’m not dreaming am I? I’ve always wanted this to happen!” she cheered as the animals started dancing. “Dance party!”
She paused, looking sideways at the animals.
“Then I eat you!”
The animal crackers froze.
“Just kidding, you are all too much fun!”
—————
“Yep,” Discord said, laying a reassuring paw on Fluttershy’s withers. “Totally fine.”
A clock materialised above him and made a strange whooping noise. It sounded urgent.
“Oh look at the time!” he exclaimed. “Do you want to come to the award ceremony?”
“Uhm,” Fluttershy began.
“I’ll take that as a yes!”
————
The pair appeared on a rather ornate stage. Fluttershy spotted Twilight, who did a comical double-take and immediately approached the pair.
“Fluttershy!” she exclaimed. “I didn’t think you would be interested in this.”
“Twilight? Oh I’m sorry, Discord wanted me to come along…”
Twilight drooped a bit. “Oh so you’re not here for the same reason then?”
“The same reason?”
“To find out what other immortals and long-lived creatures are in Equestria!”
“Oh uhm, no, but I’m sure that it is very interesting.”
They were both interrupted as the sound of horns blared across the stage. Twilight waved a hoof at the front row seats.
“Oh, come with me! We better get a seat since we’re not contestants,” she said, trotting briskly to the seats.
“I wonder who’s presenting?” Twilight continued in hushed tones as they settled into their seats.
“Ooh I hope it’s Smoozy, I love Smoozy!”
“Pinkie?!” Twilight squeaked. “Wha—”
“I’m here for a friend!” She gestured behind her. “They all wanted to come too!”
Fluttershy and Twilight looked over Pinkie’s shoulder to see a curious menagerie of animated animal crackers dancing on the seat behind her.
“I-I’m not going to think about it,” Twilight muttered resolutely. She firmly fixed her gaze on the stage. “The law-breaking doesn’t exist if I can’t see it and I don’t think about it.”
“That’s okay Twilight, I don’t think about it much either!”
“Girls,” Fluttershy spoke up in barely a whisper. “I think the presentation is starting.”
They all jumped as a thunderous sound echoed around the stage.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
A monstrously sized dragon ambled onto the stage. With painful slowness, he pulled himself to the microphone and cleared his throat, though it sounded more like several boulders rolling down a mountain.
“Thank you all for coming,” the dragon grated. “My name is Goliath and I was last century’s Runner-up to the honourable Princess Celestia.” He tilted his head humorously at the alicorn positioned on stage left. Celestia blushed. With a regal wave of his hand a blue-green flame sparkling with ethereal light materialised in his claws. He read the contents, chuckling.
“In fifth place, with an impressive 20.1% weight draw, Princess Luna!”
“Oh blast, we had thought we had had truly nailed it this time!” the princess muttered as she approached the podium. She still gratefully accepted the medallion and returned to her seat.
“In fourth place with a hefty 22.8% weight draw, Philomena!”
The phoenix made a grand entrance by swooping in through a ring of flames. She accepted the medal and wore it proudly. She didn’t join the other contestants on the stage and simply flittered off.
“In third place with a weight draw of almost 30%, Discord!”
“Oh pony feathers, I really thought I had it this time!” He trudged up to claim the medallion, snatching it from the dragon’s grasp and then collapsing moodily into his seat.
“In second place with a weight draw just shy of 31%, Princess Celestia!” Princess Celestia looked merely confused as she trotted up to the dragon. She dipped her head as the medallion came down.
“Who is the last one to receive a medallion, I thought for sure we were the only ones in the competition.”
Goliath scanned the document, smirking.
“A late contestant had entered, though he didn’t even know it.” He pointed to the seats in the back of the crowd. “With an gob-smacking weight draw of 200%, Gummy takes the lead!”
Discord hooted with laughter as both Luna and Celestia gaped at the alligator gently clamping his toothless jaws around the medallion. The alligator was well rounded, almost spherical in shape.
“Where did my animal crackers go?!” Pinkie cried.
Fluttershy looked at the empty spot of animal crackers, and then to Gummy, and back at the crackers. Her eyes slowly rolled back and she collapsed onto the floor.
“Oh wait, here they are!” She paused. “Wasn’t I baking a cake?”
Twilight put a hoof to her head. “I don’t get it,” she grumbled, her face etched with contemplative frown lines. “How does Gummy even qualify?”
Author's Note
This is technically related to Winona the Immortal Dog but only for that last bit.
I told you it was bad. I WARNED YOU ALL.
Next Chapter: Gummy becomes a bear. Geddit? Okay I can't make comedy.
As always, my intuitive readers, thanks for reading!
P.S. To make the competition fair, the competition is calculated by how much percentage of your weight you can ingest. That makes it slightly fairer. Technically phoenixes are immortal, right? Also Angel was trying to flip a table, just saying.
I think I saw the universe and everything within it... and that was just in his eyes.
