Equestria's Apature

by Sythax

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Comedy, Slice of Life, Crossover
Length: 1927

One minute, convention, next BAM! new universe and a new body! I know how this type of story ends. And its never good for the guy in my position.

You know the drill, convention, strange artefact that is suspiciously cheap, BAM!, new universe.
Being a machine is something new as well, as are my latent homicidal urges and test addiction. All of this adds up to make my one goal very difficult.

Do NOT piss of the Princesses.

Seriously, I know how this goes and being encased in stone as well as metal is not high on my to do list. Getting home is not going to be easy, however I just happen to be the right AI for the job.

Its time to start thinking with portals.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-11 19:00:02 UTC

Boot up

I was present, that much I knew. I couldn't see, I couldn't feel. My ears and mouth refused to function. To me, all that was present was my mind and even then there was no thought. I couldn't think of anything past my missing senses. Without though, time was meaningless. I could have been there for days, years. I had no way of knowing.

And then suddenly, there was another presence. I didn't hear them. I just knew they were there, roughly 22.6 metres away.

'That's oddly specific' I though.

Wait. Thought! My mind exploded into action as I woke from what ever lethargy had possessed me. I still felt weak and I couldn't feel my body, but I could think, an action I never thought I'd end up missing.

But with my rediscovery of thought came the usual panic of questions on how the flying fuck I'd ended up where ever I was. As far as I could tell I was still blind, however, my hearing seemed to have returned in part. It was patchy and full of reverberations, like a bad karaoke machine, but I could hear the presence as well as sense them.

Who ever it was, they were making their way round me, not getting too close. Their footsteps sounded hard, like they were stepping on solid stone with tap dancing shoes, the hard click echoing though my distorted hearing. The presence coughed, a thick, deep sound and, from that sound alone, I determined my visitor was male.

I tried to talk, to move, anything to make my presence known. Even if this was the person who had brought me here, they could still answer some questions. However, no matter how hard I tried, the rest of my body was encased in the strong sense of lethargy my mind had been clouded with mere moments before.

So, unable to move, I listened to the presence as it walked around me. I could hear him breathing, heavy, ragged breaths like he was struggling to get the air into his lungs. There was also the scratching of a pen on paper every now and then as he stopped to write something down. What confused me the most however, was that despite there only being one presence, I could hear two sets of foot steps, each in almost perfect sync with each other.

'Listen to me. You'd think I was Sherlock Holmes.' I though to myself, impressed by my own abilities of deduction.

After a indiscernible amount of time, the presence faded, walking away until I could no longer feel them. To say I was disappointed with the lack of interaction was an understatement. Did they already know I was there and were just ignoring me? Or was I really well hidden so that who ever it was didn't notice me?

Whatever the reason, they were gone, and I had no way of knowing if they'd be back.

With nothing better to do, I returned to my thoughts, searching my memory for any clue as to where the hell I was.

Several Hours Earlier

The statue had caught my eye ten minutes previously. We were sat at a picnic table, munching down on lunch when I saw it. To say it was perfection was a crime. It stood about 20 centimetres tall, the white panelling and black wiring was covering in immaculate detail, down to the scuff marks on the armour.

It was GLaDOS, in all her fully poseable glory.

I looked at the guy behind the booth who was looking at me expectantly like he knew I wanted it more than anything.

"How much?" I asked

"For you my friend? Thirty quid" he replied.

In retrospect, the guys stupidly low price and expectant face should had set some alarm bells ringing. I mean, I would have paid double, no triple for this master piece, and then there's this joker.

However, my brain was too drowned in awe to notice these things and, without a second thought, I was thrusting my cash in the guys face. I remember picking up the figuring.

And then nothing.

I spent the better part of at least three hours running over that scene over and over, trying to get anything more out of the memory. But it just wasn't there. As soon as I picked up my purchase the memory faded to static. A thick, impenetrable cover. The memory was still there, it was being obscured.

Had I been drugged? That would explain a lot of things, especially my lack of feeling. If so, what did they want with me? I wasn't particularly rich, nor was I the sharpest sword in the rack. Had they targeted me or was I just in the wrong place at the wrong time?

It was as I was pondering these questions that I felt a familiar presence. It seemed that my visitor had returned, and he had friends. The  two other presences were slightly bigger and they seemed sharper, more defined than the smaller one. I pondered this as the two bigger figures crossed that threshold of 22.6 metres and I felt my body jolt. I didn't move, however the lethargy that plagued me seemed to drop away, allowing me to sense my body once more.

My first though was that it felt...weird but familiar. It was if I was hanging by my ankles, I could feel my waist and my neck, however my spine and knees seemed stiff and unmoving. It took me a second to realise that my hearing had come back in full force and that my sight was gradually returning to me.

The image was fuzzy and distant but focusing more with every passing second. I listened closely, eavesdropping on my visitors.

"...unlike anything I've seen before" came a male voice, presumably the first presence.

"I can see what you mean Dust Trail. I do not recognise the technology." said a second, feminine voice.

Dust Trail? What sort of name is that? Surely that's got to be against some kind of law?

The second voice continued "That yellow light? Do you know it's purpose?"

"No Princess" said Dust Trail "It wasn't like that when I was here earlier. Perhaps my presence here has disturbed it?"

Princess, eh? I didn't know about the yellow light they mentioned but it seemed like I was in the presence of royalty. that or a cosplayer that was WAY too in character.

"Sister? What have you to say? You've been oddly quite" said the 'Princess'

"I can hear it think" whispered the third presence "It is listening to us"

Wait what? 'Hear it think'? Was their someone else in the room with me?

"Now it is pondering if it is alone with us. It does not seem to know where it is." said the sister

Damn right I don't know where I am!

I heard the third one stifle a giggle.

"What is it Luna?" said the Princess.

"It ...He was agreeing with me rather enthusiastically." said the one I presumed to be Luna. Seriously, these names are really weird.

Ok, it was official, this 'Luna' character was reading my thoughts, which is down right freakish.

"Well, would 'He' mind conversing with us? It seems unnecessary to have you as a translator" said 'Princess'

They wanted me to talk? Sure I could do that. I felt for my body and how it was positioned, ignoring how weird it felt. My vision had fully returned now and I could see a stone floor beneath me, the ground rough and cracked like that of a cave. Slowly I lifted my self up, a feat of strength I didn't know I could do, until I was looking straight ahead at my three guests.

At first I want to scream, then laugh. There, in front of me, were the three most ridiculous horses I had ever seen. I mean come on! That one was blue! The smallest one, who I assume to be Dust Trail, was a dark tan colour while the tallest, the one with a mane on LSD, was pure dazzling white.

And she had a horn.  In fact so did the blue one. and all three had wings. Did I hit my head or something when I was strung up here? They were all looking at me in shock, like they didn't know what to expect. I returned it with a blank stare, not really sure what to say.

The blue one overcame her shock the quickest, stepping forward to address me.

"Greetings Machine! Do you have name you go by?" she said.

Machine? That's a new nickname. I was never really muscley enough to be called a tank. As for my name? That's easy it was...it was...

Why can't I remember my name?! Your name is just thing you call off the top of your head! Why couldn't I remember?

The blue one, who I recognised as Luna by her voice, seemed to still be in my head and sensed my panic.

"Thou does not remember thy name?" she asked.

"No. I'm afraid I do not" I said.

The horses seemed just as surprised by my voice as I was. It was ...different to say the least. It was a lot more feminine than I remember, and was scarily familiar.

Luna shook her head sadly "Tis a shame. Does thou recall thy place of origin? We have not seen a machine of your calibre in these lands."

There she goes again calling me a machine! I mean, even if these crazy equines have never seen a human, they should at least recognise an organic life form, right?

Just to make sure, for the first time since waking up I did a check over my body. I moved my head up, peering down what I though was the front of my torso.

What I actually saw almost made me scream.

My body was gone. Nothing resembling my old human form was present in the mass of metal panelling and wires that replaced it. Thick white sheets covered the outer half of my new body, smooth and curved against the circuits inside. Where I though my waist had been there was now a large, circular servo, attaching what served as my 'chest' to my 'legs'. Said legs were actually a large metal beam, swamped in wires as it came down from the ceiling of the cave. Large white rings surround the bundle of cables, spreading out above me in a tiered cake sort of way.

And there,written in thick black letters on the middle ring, was a six letter word.

At that moment, the phrase 'Does not Compute' was all too applicable. This was insane! I was a God forsaken MACHINE! And not just any machine, I was also in the body of a stone cold killer. This explained the yellow light, which was presumably my new 'eye', and the foreign yet familiar shape of my body. Th way I sensed the equines could have-

"Machine! Did thou hear us?" Luna cried, cutting my inner turmoil over my new form short.

"Hmm?" I replied, turning back to my audience "Oh yes, I remember where I come from, though not how I got here"

I paused, thinking about my next words.

"And please don't call me 'Machine'. I have a name you can use for now."

"And that is?" asked Luna with a raised brow.

Internally I grinned at how awesome what I going to say next sounded.

"You, my dear, can call me GLaDOS"