How Me Learned Nirvana Isn't a Thing (And Kurt Cobain is Dead)
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How Me Learned Nirvana Isn't a Thing (And Kurt Cobain is Dead)
One morning, there was a human named Me. Yes, Me. Me's name was Me. No, not me. The guy's name was Me.
Anyways, now that Me is certain you're confused, and not at all certain who is telling the story, that morning Me woke up and decided Me would go to Equestria!
But Me had no idea on how to go about this. Me said to meself, "Perhaps if Me surround meself with fine pony products, then Me shall receive Equestria as a sort of... Paradise." Me completely forgot that Me is a Christian, and so, according to Me's theology, this philosophy was doomed to fail from the beginning.
But Me went through with it anyways, because if Me didn't, this fic would be boring.
So, Me went about the business of purchasing quality pony merchandise until Me's bank account was empty, which was only about twenty dollars. Me is very broke, lives with Me's parents, and doesn't have a job. Such is life.
So, Me sat there, with all me pony products, which were a handful of button pins, a five-dollar brushable, and a Princess with a tag along Mane Six friend! Which, according to the box, promised to discover the wonders of the Crystal Empire! This was what sold Me on it in the first place, the box made a promise. "And when a box makes a promise, you believe it," Me's mother never once said. Ahh, bless her still-living soul.
Me stared at the pony products... And then Me stared some more... Until, Me finally remembered that Jesus died for Me's sins, and that Nirvana is a flawed concept. Me also remembered Kurt Cobain is dead, so that fact really cemented things for Me, and Me disregarded any concept of pony nirvana Me had to begin with. Me also remembered that boxes are liars, and you shouldn't listen to them. Me had completely forgotten the last time Me read a Call of Duty game case. It promised "The most revolutionary gaming experience, 10/10 -IGN..."
So, after arguing with the clerk over why Me couldn't return the toys Me had purchased, (The clerk simply said, "BECAUSE YOU'RE A NERRRRD!") Me sat and thought to Me's self, once again. Me does that a lot, can't you tell? This time, Me thought, "Perhaps SCIENCE is the answer!!" So, Me took the time to write a letter to Big Science Corp! Also, be sure to lift your index finger dramatically to make sure you're reading that correctly.
Me wrote the following to Big Science Corp!:
"Hi, my name is Me. Me needs your help. You see, I'm having a bit of a scientific conundrum that cannot be solved by Me's self. Me is attempting to reach another dimension known as Equestria. I have observed this place for nearly three years, and cannot discover a way there! Please respond with all due haste, this is of utmost importance.
-Sincerely, Me"
To which they responded,
Dearest Sperglord,
We're afraid that we have simply not enough time, money, or other resources to waste upon a silly no-life like you. We're too busy trying to make jet packs and making your Apple devices smaller. Maybe you can ask your mommy for a My Little Chemistry set?
Sincerely, go die in a hole.
Me read this, and looked up with annoyance in Me's eyes. Then Me spotted something else in the mailbox... A small cardboard box.
Me opened it and found a potato that slowly clapped in sarcasm.
Me threw it to a nearby crow in disgust. Nobody asked Aperture. How did they even...? Never mind.
"Well..." Me said, a manly tear running down Me's cheek. "Perhaps if no one shall help me, then will write a fanfic!"
And so, Me went about the business of writing a Human In Equestria fic with Me as the star!
After weeks of hard work, writing, editing, revising, and consulting with ThatWeatherStormChap...!
...The fiction received 9,001 dislikes, prompting Knighty to create the first "Unpopular Stories" section, spiraling the story even further into the bowels of fanfiction hell with a total of 1,000,000,000,000.2 dislikes. Me was pretty sure there aren't even that many bronies... He also broke into Me's house as Me was making breakfast, and despite Me's best efforts, Knighty took another dump in Me's oatmeal and stole another spoon. It wasn't the first time. Me was at this point, fairly broken with no idea how to proceed.
Me was sitting in Me's room, nearly crying. Nobody believed in Me. Who, if not science, if not ponies, if not bronies, would comfort Me? But, just then, Princess Twilight Sparkle herself appeared before Me! She looked like she was wearing black, as if she was from some distant pony war. She was also wearing sunglasses. Between you and Me, they didn't suit her.
Twilight said, "Do you have ANY IDEA how many of you grown men I have to see in a day? And clean up your room, it's an absolute pigsty! UGH! Okay, the reason I'm here. Stop searching, you'll cause a war and kill us all, yadda-yadda. Bye. AND NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE A HUG! NO, GET AW-!" And she disappeared in a puff of magical sparkles, as Me was blubbering towards her. Rats, Me almost touched her. It would've been glorious... Me would never have washed that hand again.
Finally, with no other options, Me gave into the murderous whispers of the pink rubber giraffes around him. They told him to cleanse the world with holy flame, and so he did. He purified the land far and wide astride his rubber giraffe mount, tossing flaming jars of combustible pasta sauce this way and that. It spelled delicious death for many.
And that, kids, is the story of how he left the fandom, and learned to use proper third person pronouns to describe himself.