This story is heavily satirical in nature. Please, do not be offend.
Contrary to popular belief, human travel to Equestria is not common. Many of the tales that have been spun were the results of horrid hallucinations or lucid dreams. That is not to say that such journeys have not occurred, but the cost of doing so has been fairly high. It has been a rocky relationship as well, ever since they discovered bashimi, a dish that exists in the backwards nation of Japan full of savages that do not cook their food. They are always red with blood because they don’t drain meat of blood either. To them, blood is just another delicacy to be enjoyed.
It started on a nice evening in livestream headed by Frostbite. Yet the stream was having many issues. It refused to stream anything other than Amnesia, for it felt the need to scare the bollocks out of everyone. That was also the day that Frostbite decided to mention that he drew clop on the stream. Of course, everyone wanted to see the clop because they were all old fat men who could never get any real girls. Eventually, Frost gave in, and showed the homosexual clop, even though he claimed he wasn’t homosexual. Vs.dubstep, who was particularly out of his mind that day decided it meant that Frost was actually homosexual and started to write a story about the image in the livestream chat.
How I Met My Little Pony. The amount of exploitable wording in the piece inspired vs.dubstep to start write more clop based on what Frost was reading. Frost laughed so hard that he had to write his own Choose Your Own Adventure clop story. This resulted in some useless shenanigans that disturbed the crap out of everyone, and caused Jack Knife to try to rape Aurora, only to be exploded by Frost, who was miffed that someone would rape his friend.
All at once they teleported into Equestria due to some lines Frost wrote, some quantum mechanics and some other sciencey things that no one cares about. It seems so generic, but it’s really the only way. Only it wasn’t Twilight Sparkle that did it, but Princess Celestia who had a horngasm in her sleep. Alicorns, especially ones powerful enough to move suns, tend to have a lot of energy ready for opening portals and whatnot.
Frost became his avatar, sporting a cyan mane and a creamy white coat. Flame quickly burned out and became ashes in the air, omnipresent, yet unable to do anything useful. Sparkle in the Twilight became a vampire that glittered in the sun, blinding everything with beauty. Diabolic Gnome became a garden gnome, only it looked more like a naked mole rat with clothes. Vs.dubstep was not able to replace Vinyl Scratch, and instead became a bass cannon. Jack Knife became a knife, and was quickly used as an eating utensil and was never seen again.
While the main character would be Frost, the ponies were too busy glancing at Sparkle in the Twilight and swooning. He was a rare male, and thus even more attractive as a result. Frost assumed the forever alone position in some corner and cried because he would not be able to do anything sick yet, like become an overpowered alicorn self insert.
Meanwhile, the diabolic garden gnome was rueing the day that he became a gnome, since they can’t do much at all. He sat there, and plotted as if he were still human, because it was inevitably easier to do so as he had once been a human. They would all pay, every single one of them for making him into a garden gnome. The humiliation would not go unchecked. No rock would be left unturned. They would all learn to fear the gnomes.
Flame on the other hand was rather happy to observe the various shenanigans. To him, it was one of the most hilarious things he had ever seen. Sure, his form was somewhat inconvenient, but for now he was satisfied, and was going to make the most out of his experience. In the distance he could hear vs.dubstep.
“Wub wub” said vs.dubstep, digging the beat that Vinyl Scratch had set up. Vs.dubstep loved house music, and that was exactly what he was listening to. Vinyl Scratch was also his favorite pony, so for now, he was blissfully getting what every other self insert does, except in a stranger fashion. He was overpowered though, since the bass cannon can defeat Discord, which usually require the Elements of Harmony along with their avatars which can become useless quickly. Discord just doesn’t like to plan ahead.
They were all gathered at a rave dedicated to the vampire, who was being slightly less glittery but was still pretty sexy. It was hosted by Pinkie Pie, as all parties inevitably were, and as always, everypony was invited. Pinkie Pie would’ve found Frost, but the vampire’s super pheromones were too strong, and at the moment, she just couldn’t care. Cadance had much the same powers, but was too busy being with another character that got arbitrarily introduced. As a result, Cadance, the character, and Frost were not at the party.
Unfortunately for Frost, the party had sarsaparilla, meaning that nobody would ever find him. Sarsaparilla was the bestest drink ever, even more so than cider, and nobody would leave just to get Frost. The tears were cold with the bitter loneliness that Frost felt, and they coalesced into Frosty the Snowman. Frosty the Snowman used equip and Jack suddenly came back. Frosty knew that Jack could not go unsupervised, for he would be used for violence, and ruin the purity of My Little Pony for the rest of the bronies.
When Frosty entered, he could feel the heat pouring from the various ponies that were doing drugs and raving. He felt himself slowly melting away to the temperature that was above freezing. Water was dripping to the floor and evaporating just as quickly. The room was extremely steamy. Moans of pleasure could be heard from the dark corners in the establishment that Pinkie Pie had rented.
As Frosty continued to melt, he stared at the vampire in hatred. The reflection of sparkles from the vampire was causing Frosty to melt even faster. Frosty started to inch his way across the dance floor.
Frost was still in the corner, and still was sad and still alone. Without his snowman to keep him company, he was growing lonelier. Yet because the low energy mass was gone, Frost began to feel hotter. He felt the energy flowing back through his hooves, letting him regain awesome points so he could be overpowered and become the main character. As Frosty was dying, Frost started to become a better pony.
He decided that since Pinkie Pie invited everypony, he would finally go to the party and make some friends. After all, friendship is magic right? At the very least, he would get to meet the mane six, which was more than other bronies would ever get in their lifetime. As he walked in, he took a step back, due to the thick fog that had accumulated as a result of Frosty’s appearance to the party. Frosty at this point was so vaporized that he was suddenly becoming good friends with Flame, who was in about the same state.
As Frost walked in, he could see the sparkling vampire. It was quite obvious really. Nothing screams vampire like nice sparkles. It didn’t help that the vampire was male and had a bunch of chicks. Not that Frost cared of course, he had his own circle of gals, and he was also currently in the closet. Frost was more apt to be attracted, but he knew vampires for what they were and was able to resist their evil powers.
“Wub wub” said vs.dubstep who was still pumping out beats. Now that everypony was here, it was the best party ever. All the ponies had fun through the night. Some would wake up with wicked hangovers. Some would be fine. Some would regret having ever come. But for now, Frost was living the dream of the bronies. Go to Equestria, meet the mane six, and get laid on the side.
