Kung Pow: Enter the Hoof

by libertydude

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Crossover
Length: 4098

An ancient menace comes back to Equestria, and the Princesses must seek the help of a Chosen One to help defeat the threat. MLP/Kung Pow: Enter the Fist crossover.

One night, while sleeping, Celestia recieves a vision that a horrible pony named Pain Master has returned. Realizing that they need the help of the one who defeated him before, they use a spell to call upon the Chosen One.

But if there's one thing magic is good at, it's screwing up, and the person they get is far from the person they were aiming for.

A crossover of MLP:FiM and the movie "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist".

Published 2015-01-13 00:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2025-01-29 22:12:02 UTC

The Return of Betty

Celestia woke with a start. Sweat dripped down her face, and her covers laid crumpled the ground. Nothing made a sound in her room, save for the panting of the princess herself.

She looked to her left, towards the window. No clouds covered the sky tonight, and the stars and Moon filled the room with a soft light. They were still high in the sky, signalling that it was just past midnight.

Celestia rose herself from the bed, threw on her extremely fashionable pink nightgown and started out the door to the hallway. Nopony was out now, save the few guards that Celestia passed and who saluted.

But she paid them no mind; the task at hoof was too important.

Eventually, she reached the room she seeked and threw open the doors. The hinges creaked, having been unused for hundreds of years. The room itself also displayed the years of inattention: The bookshelves were dusty, the tables adorned with cobwebs, and the self-lighting candles that were supposed to come on could only sputter faint sparks for a few seconds before dying out. A quick lumination spell by Celestia quickly solved that problem, and she began scouring the bookshelves.

“Sister?” a voice cooed from the doors.

Celestia turned her head and saw a tall, dark figure standing there.

“Hello, Luna,” Celestia said as she turned back to the shelves. “You saw the vision too?”

“Indeed,” the Princess of the Night conceded. “I, however, am unsure of what to make of it.”

“It’s a warning,” Celestia said as her magic grabbed a few books from the bookshelf.

“Well, yes. I figured that much. But a warning of what? Has Tirek escaped from Tarturus again?”

Celestia began trotting back to the tables at the middle of the room. “No, nothing like that,” she said, putting the books down. “That might be preventable. This…” She looked back up at her sister. “…This is something I doubt even the Element Bearers can fight off.”

Luna's face filled with confusion. “What are you talking about? The Elements can defeat anything! Nothing in the entire world has been able to withstand their power!” Just then, Luna’s eyes went wide. “…Unless… he has returned.”

Celestia nodded. “He has.” Her voice sounded grim, and a defeated expression crossed her face.

“But that’s…that’s not possible! Star Swirl and you banished him to another world hundreds of years ago! There’s no way for him to get back!”

“Not from this end,” Celestia said as she flipped through the books in front of her. “But over there...”

“Come on, Tia! You and I know that there’s only one group that could do that...”

At this, Celestia turned the book around and scooted it towards Luna.

The second Luna’s eyes met the page, her heart skipped a few beats. For on the page lay an image that nopony in Equestria would ever want to bear witness to. An image so horrible, that most ponies would want to live under the reign of King Sombra for a million years rather than have to admit to this thing’s existence.

The image was a rectangle with three colors: Blue, white, and red. All were in straight bars from the top to bottom. And lightly flowing off the page was the unmistakable scent of an almond croissant.

“The…the French sent him back?” Luna could barely get the words out.

“Yes.” Celestia brought the book back to herself and closed it. The title read:

“Really, Really Bad Things and Groups That Will Totally Mess Up Equestria If They Get There, Either Through Traditional Or Cross-Dimensional Travel (Which Only the French Are Capable Of)”.

"Now With a Coloring Book and Scratch and Sniff Page for Children to Know Their Doom"

Luna looked back up at her sister. “So what do we do?”

Celestia stared off into the distance. “…I don’t know.”

“What? What do you mean you don’t know? You’re Celestia! Ruler for the past thousand years!”

“Yes, Luna!” Celestia yelled, sending Luna stumbling backwards in surprise. “I don’t know what to do! I’ve fought dragons and goblins and so many horrible things, but yes! I don’t know what to do!” Tears looked like they were ready to start streaming down her face. Before they could fall, she turned away from Luna and towards the large window that adorned one wall of the room.

“Celly…” Luna said as she walked back toward her.

“We’re supposed to protect them…” she said, the tears beginning to fall. “I’ve spent over a millennia fighting to keep them from the dangers that lurk in this world and others, and now... sniff … there’s nothing I can do.”

“Nothing we can do, sister,” Luna said. She put her arms around her sister’s neck and squeezed. Celestia was hesitant for a moment, but she soon returned the gesture. Luna could feel the warm tears still falling off her sister’s face and rolling down her own mane.

“You always were a great hugger,” Celestia said, snorting through some final teardrops.

“I learned from my best big sister,” Luna said with a smile. Celestia couldn’t help but return the beam. She then nuzzled her sister, who warmly received the gesture.

“Jeez, will two stop making out now?!” a voice called out.

The sisters froze; it was his voice. No other voice they knew had that same amount of evil per squeakiness. They turned toward the doors, and there he was, standing just inside the room.

He was all black, both in his fur and his mane. He had a thin mustache over his upper lip, impeccably groomed to the point it shone in the darkness. In his hooves was a pair of black iron claws attached to a long chain. On his chest, two iron triangles were pinned to him, one slightly higher than the other.

“Hey there, Celestia. I see you’ve brought your sister…eh, Other Magical Horsie to witness my return.”

“My name is Luna, curr!” Luna shot a beam out toward the figure. He didn’t move as it came toward him. But the reason became clear, as the beam merely passed through him and knocked over a decorative pot in the hallway.

“Whoa!” he says, glancing back at the pot. “Take it easy on the fireworks, Tuna!”

“Relax, Luna,” Celestia said, putting herself between the figure and her sister. “He’s not actually here. It’s just a magical projection.”

“Yeah, but soon I’ll be projecting my foot up your ass! Ha ha ha! Hyeeeeeeeeh!” he said with a smile on his face. “But seriously, get your big beautiful butts ready, girls! Because I’ll be at your Magical Horsie Castle soon, and when I get there, I’ll bounce those big booties until you give me what I desire!”

“You’re a fool, Pain Master!" Luna said. "Have you forgotten that we’ve confiscated your steel triangles? You’re powerless without them!”

“Oh yeah? Have you forgotten that I’m the best villain ever, and had a spare set of triangles in case you took those?" He motioned to the triangles on his chest. "I’ve been wearing them for, like, 20 minutes now, and I’m able to send illusions across vast distances. If that’s not a demonstration of my great magical power, I don't know what is.”

"Pfft! Any magic kindergartener can learn how to do a projection spell!"

"Oh yeah?" He glanced toward Celestia and grinned. "Your clothes are blue!"

"What're you-?" Luna let out a squeak when she glanced at Celestia. Her pink nightgown now appeared as a blue gala dress, covered with numerous sparkles that fell to the ground with each movement of Celestia's body.

"Eh heh heh!" Pain Master chuckled. "There's more where that came from, baby!"

“Enough talk!” Luna cried out. “What is it you want?”

“I want a lot of things! A lifetime supply of Taco Bell, six sassy handmaidens, and more chains for me to swing around.” He looked down at the chain in his hooves. “It gets kind of boring just swinging one around all the time.”

“That’s… that’s all?” Celestia asked, a confused look on her face.

“Yeah, pretty much,” he said.

“Like, that’s really all you want?”

“Yeah. That’s pretty much it.”

“Well… if that’s the case, then…yeah, we’ll totally give you those things.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely. If that’s what it takes to-“

“PSYCH!” he yelled with a grin. “I’m coming to take your kingdom!”

“Why did I fall for that?” Celestia said with a facehoof.

“Because you suck and I rule! Hyeeeeeeh!”

“You’ll never succeed, Pain Master!” Luna said defiantly. “Even with those steel triangles, you won’t have the power to defeat four princesses!”

“Four princesses?! What the hell? Are you guys just trying to spite me? Like, why are you making it so hard for me to rule over everything? That’s just rude!”

“Heh,” Luna chuckled. “You seem less sure of yourself now that you know the odds are against you.”

“Actually, now that you mention it, I am kind of nervous. Four princesses is a bit of a number…” He put his hoof to his mouth and closed his eyes. “…Okay, how about this? I fight only three of the princesses. That way, it’s a bit more of an even match.”

“Ha! You’re actually scared!” Luna said.

“Hey, you didn’t answer my question! Will only three princesses fight me?”

“Of course not! All four of us are going to find you and defeat you!” Luna said with a beam.

“Really? Because unless you’ve got a spare Princess around, I severely doubt that this one will be fighting me again...”

“What’re you-“ Luna gasped as the projection changed form; instead of Pain Master, Cadence appeared. She was lying on the floor of the Crystal Palace, wrapped in chains and unconscious. Behind her, several pieces of Crystal Empire art laid smashed on the floor.

“So, three Princesses, okay? I only think it’s fair.”

“You… you bastard!” Luna yelled. Celestia did nothing but stare at the strange form in front of her. “How could you attack such a kind mare?!”

“Hey, don’t get testy with me, Tuna! I kicked the butts of her husband and all of her guards as well! My asswhoopery discriminates against nopony!”

“Come on, Celly!” Luna said through gritted teeth, starting towards the doors. “We need to organize the Guard and rush to the Crystal Empire now!”

Before she could reach the doors, they slammed shut. A golden aura covered them, and Luna looked back to see Celestia’s horn glowing the same color.

“It’s no use, Luna,” Celestia said sadly. “We could send our entire forces, and he’d just defeat all of them. It’s us he wants…” She glanced back up at the figure in front of them, who still wore a smug grin. “…and it’s us he’s going to get.”

“Oh, so you’re going to surrender immediately and give me the title of ‘Super Awesome Ruler of the Land’?”

“…No.”

“What?! Come on, it’ll be much easier that way!” he whined.

“No. I’ve got something else in mind.”

“Something else?” He seemed intrigued now.

“We shall meet at Filly Falls, just outside of Fillydelphia. Right at the top of the waterfalls, there is a large area of rock where we can do battle tomorrow.”

“Hyeeeeeeeh. Interesting.”

“There, the three remaining princesses will meet and fight you. Whoever wins retains control of the land.”

“And how is the winner determined? By beauty? Because let's be honest, I'd win that hooves down,” he said with a flick of his mane.

“Whoever is still alive at the end of the battle.” Celestia’s eyes were like steel when she said this. Pain Master seemed somewhat taken aback by the statement, but his cocky expression soon returned.

“Very well. I shall see you girls tomorrow at Filly Falls. Feel free to bring some cheerleaders!”

“Don’t harm Princess Cadence or any of her subjects, or the deal’s off.”

“Oh, I wasn’t planning on it, Celestia. Besides, I’ll be too busy training tonight to beat your pretty little tushies.”

“Celly…” Luna began, but stopped the second Celestia looked at her. Her face was hard and unyielding. Whatever had led her to this decision, she would allow no other opinions to question her, even her sister’s.

“We’ll see you tomorrow, Pain Master.” Celestia said this without any hint of regality or tact. Just sheer utter force.

“Okie-dokie,” Pain Master said as he began disappearing from view. “Oh, and by the way, it’s not ‘Pain Master’ anymore.”

“What is it, prey tell?” Luna grumbled.

He grinned mightily.

“It is now…Betty. Hyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh.” And with that, he was gone.

“Celly…”Luna said. “If we fail this-“

“I know what will happen, Luna.” She shook her head a little. “But it’s the only way I could think of to stall for time.”

“Why? To think of a plan?”

“Well, yes and no. There will be a plan, but we won’t be the ones making it.”

“Who will?”

Celestia smiled as she put a hoof to her sister’s shoulder. “Luna… who is the one pony in Equestria who can overcome the odds no matter how unlikely or improbable?”

“Pinkie Pie?”

“…Okay, the other pony who can overcome the odds?”

“Daring Do?”

Celestia's face twisted into annoyance. “You know, I can still kick things all the way to the moon…”

“Sister, I seriously don’t know who you’re talking about!”

“Twilight Sparkle!”

“Oooooooh…. Eh, better than nothing, I guess.”

"Exactly. Now, let’s get a move on. If we hurry, we can get Twilight to come up with a plan before sunrise.”

“Alright.” With that, Luna and Celestia opened the doors and made their way towards the kitchen. It was going to be a long night, and if there's one thing a Princess needs before planning on thwarting an evil martial artist , it was a nice hot cup of cocoa. And having staffed a 24 hour hot chocolate chef, they were more than able to get some of the holy drink.

However, in their rush to get some chocolaty goodness, they had forgotten to put the books back on the shelf. Soon after they left, the pile began to vibrate.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Before long, a lone book came bursting out of the pile, flying in the air like a bird. It looked towards the open doors and made a low growl.

"You didn't scratch and sniff me...so I'll scratch and sniff you!" it snarled.

It then spread its pages and flew out the door, following the dainty blue sparkles that led to the kitchen.

Author's Note

So I watched the movie "Kung Pow: Enter the Fist" last weekend, and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I wasn't going to do a fic on it, but I just got an idea for integrating a few characters into the world of Equestria and decided to run with it.

If you haven't seen the movie, the "hyeeeeeeeeeeeeh" noise he keeps making is from the movie, where he keeps making that noise for no particular reason.

If you've actually seen the movie, don't worry: The next chapter will explain how Betty actually existed in Equestria before his presence in the movie. It'll also explain why he's called "Pain Master" in Equestria and not "Master Pain".

Oh, and Twilight will be a bit too enthusiastic about books.

[Edit 1/21/2018] Boy, it took a while for me to get back to this one, eh? Either way, the chapter's now been revised to be more grammatically correct, as well as adding a few jokes that I thought would work better (and removing some of the cringier ones my nineteen year-old self thought were great). There will be more chapters in the coming days, and the fic will be completed by February at the latest.

Thanks for reading, and I'll catch you soon!

Something Significant Happens

In the cozy hamlet of Ponyville, not a single creature was stirring. Nopony walked the nighttime streets, nor did any creatures rustle amongst the brush of the surrounding wilderness.

Only in the tall castle overlooking the town did any sort of stirring take place, and it came from the tiny green and purple dragon running through the halls of the grand structure. He came to a large set of doors and shoved them open.

"Twilight!" he cried, waving a scroll. "I just got this from Celestia! We-!"

A soft coo came from the bed he stared at. Princess Twilight Sparkle rolled within her silken sheets. “Oh, Sir Neighton, show me how depravity works. Mmm…I mean, gravity,” she groaned in her sleep. “Although depravity can be very scientific, in the right circumstances…” she said with a sheepish grin.

“Ugh,” Spike said, wandering up to the bed. “Another one of those dreams." He leaned into her face. "Hey, Twilight!”

“Wuh!” she said, sitting up so fast she nearly fell out of bed. “I wasn’t dreaming of sexy science!”

“Uh-huh,” Spike said. “Anyway, you just got a message from Celestia.” He held the scroll up.

“At this hour?” Twilight’s magic enveloped the scroll and brought it to her face. “Must be serious.”

“It better be,” Spike groaned. “Woke me up just as I was dozing off. Made me belch so hard I almost burned my blanket to a crisp.”

Twilight’s eyes scanned the unfurled scroll, her pupils moving across the lines at dazzling speed. They grew wider as the seconds passed.

“Twilight, what’s wrong?” Spike said.

“It’s Celestia and Luna! They need to see me ASAP!”

Spike gasped. “Is it something bad?!”

“Probably!”

“Aaaaah!” Spike hollered, running toward the door. “I’ve gotta save all my comic books!”

The doors slammed, a lavender aura surrounding them.

“Relax, Spike,” Twilight said, her horn glowing the same color as the doors. “We’ve faced plenty of menaces before, and your comics survived those.”

“Not the ones in the treehouse…”

“What?”

“Nothing,” Spike said. “But I get what you’re saying. Just because it’s something bad doesn’t mean everything’s lost. I’m sure you and the rest of the girls can handle it.”

“That’s the spirit,” Twilight said with a smile. “I’ll just pop over to Canterlot and figure out what’s going on.”

“Uh, didn’t the letter say what’s wrong?”

“Not really,” she said. She levitated the letter in front of Spike.

Dear Twilight,

Equestria is in danger (again)! Please come to Canterlot at once to discuss the best way to combat this danger. I’d explain it all here, but I’m drinking hot chocolate as I’m writing this and don’t want to risk spilling any on the letter.

Your teacher,

Princess Celestia

“Huh,” Spike said. “I was wondering why the scroll smelled like cocoa and mint.”

“Regardless,” Twilight said, grabbing the scroll and trotting to her bedroom balcony. “The Princesses need our help, and I’m up to the challenge! Be back in an hour or two, Spike!” she said with a wave. With a glow of her horn and a quick flash of light, she was gone.

“Okay,” Spike said, running back to the doors. “But I'm still getting the comics into the safe!”

Dawn hadn’t quite broken by the time the six ponies met in the castle, evident both from the darkness and the large yawns the assembled gave each other. Rainbow Dash in particular seemed to be struggling to keep her eyes half-open.

“Alright, girls!” Twilight said. “Sorry to wake you up, but Equestria’s in trouble!”

“Ugh, can’t Equestria be in trouble at a more reasonable hour?” Rarity said between yawns. “You’d think baddies and fiends would want to be well-rested before they try to take over.”

“All the same, this is a serious matter!” Twilight said. “Princess Celestia and Luna just received a message from an enemy they fought thousands of years ago, even before Discord!”

“Ooooooh,” Pinkie Pie said. “Is he some kind of insane clown that eats your dreams?”

“Uhh…no. He’s a master martial artist, expertly trained in Kung Hoof and with the ability to destroy ponies with just a few blows.”

“Pfft, big deal!” Rainbow Dash said. “Compared to what we’ve fought before, a stallion with a few fancy kicks is nothing.”

“I agree!” Applejack chimed. “I’ve beaten back chimeras and hydras. I can handle some Kung Hoof guy.”

“That’s what I thought, too,” Twilight said. “But the Princesses showed me this…” With a flash, her hoof projected a solid image over the table.

“That’s…that’s the Crystal Empire!” Spike said.

“The Crystal Palace. Destroyed by this evil being. Apparently, the guards were no match for him. Cadence and Shining Armor were able to last about three minutes against him before they were beaten down.”

“Oh my…” Fluttershy squeaked. “How horrible…”

“Well, what are we waiting for?!” Applejack said. “Let’s get up there and give this feller a taste of his own medicine!”

“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash said. “Let’s see his Kung Hoof handle my Hayrate!”

“No!” Twilight shouted. The words reverberated off the walls and filled the whole castle. The others nearly fell out of their chairs in surprise.

“Just…no. I know you girls think you can take him on, but everything the Princesses told me showed him to be undefeatable by all normal means.”

“And just what exactly did the Princesses tell you, Twilight?” Spike said.

“Well, first they told me that this bad guy’s name was Betty.”

Celestia stood before Twilight, staring down at her while a mocha latte hovered to her side. Luna sat behind her, sipping from a cup of mint cocoa mixture.

“This bad guy’s name is Betty,” Celestia said.

“And then…” Twilight said. “She told me about how terrible the situation was.”

Celestia took another sip of her drink. Blue sparkles from the dress fell to the ground, forming in little heaps below her. When Celestia concluded her sip, she looked back at Twilight.

“This situation is really terrible,” she said.

“Then…” Twilight continued. “A book flew out of nowhere and bit Celestia on the flank.”

All of a sudden, a book with the French flag on it flew into the kitchen and bit down on Celestia’s behind.

“Ouchie,” Celestia said, before taking one more sip of her cocoa.

“And then-“ Twilight began.

“Uh, never mind, Twilight,” Spike said. “Don’t tell us exactly what happened.”

“I agree,” Rarity said. “Try to, erm…summarize, darling.”

“Oh. Well, basically this stallion ‘Betty’ roamed Equestria thousands of years ago. Back then, he was called ‘the Pain Master’, and he beat up anybody he didn’t like. He was also a talented magician, able to change ponies’ clothes from far-away distances.”

“No!” Rarity screamed.

“Yes! Nopony was safe from his reign of terror. Even Discord knew better than to tangle with him. Only when Star Swirl the Bearded and Princess Celestia worked together were they able to banish him to another realm, where he would leave Equestria alone!”

“Just like with the Dazzlings,” Applejack said.

“Precisely. Unfortunately, he somehow found a way back and is trying to take over Equestria again.”

“So if we can’t fight him, what do we do?” Spike said.

Twilight sat in her chair. “I’ve thought about that. We can’t send him back, since he’d probably just find another way to return. We can’t fight him head-on; he’d beat all of us in a battle, magical or physical. Not even the Elements could stop him.”

“So where’s that leave us?” Rainbow Dash said.

Twilight looked up. “We have to summon a warrior from another world.”

A silence gripped the room. A few eyes seemed confused, while others seemed shocked.

“A warrior?” Spike said, finally breaking the silence.

Twilight nodded. “The warrior from the other world. The one who defeated him and forced him to come back to Equestria. He was able to defeat Betty before, he can beat him now.” A small smile peaked through her face. “And not even the best clothes magic will be able to save Betty.”

Author's Note

After a decade, a new update! I wasn't able to finish writing the whole story, so I figured I would at least publish this section for Chinese New Year. The rest of the story will come over the next few months.

I actually wrote this part about 5 years ago and just sat on it for a long time. That's why the writing seems a little more sparse than my contemporary style. The joke where Twilight is describing everything that Princess Celestia said is also borrowed from Kung Pow where Master Tang keeps talking about what his old friend said (as shown here). This scene is also where the title of this chapter comes from, since "It will be significant" is one of the main punchlines of that scene.