Never Again

by Door Matt

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 972

One does not simply play poker with Pinkie Pie.

Against her better judgement, Twilight accepts an invitation to try a different card game with her friends.

What could possibly go wrong this time?

Written for the Writeoff's January "All In" prompt, and serves as a interquel of sorts between Cards Against Equiniti I and II.

Published 2015-01-19 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-19 02:10:01 UTC

Poker Pie

“I’m all-in!”

All of Pinkie’s friends looked over their cards and stared at the pink, beaming pony, currently and enthusiastically shunting her entire pile of chips forward.

“Damn, you really didn’t waste any time there,” Rainbow said, doing her best not to sneak a look at Fluttershy’s inadvertently exposed cards.

“Pinkie, you said you understood the rules.” Twilight massaged her brow with a raised hoof, and pondered why she had agreed so readily to this latest game night in Applejack’s barn. “Why are you betting all your chips when we haven’t dealt the other three cards to make a play yet? And it’s the first round.”

“Oh I’m really confident with my hand. There’s no way you can win!”

Twilight looked down at her own - an Ace and Queen. Not a great start but probably worth staying in the round for, at least she assumed so from her ten minute interpretation of reading the rules beforehand. Pinkie quite conceivably could have a better start, but did she know that? Was she the type to bluff? Was this even her first game too?

Applejack rubbed the back of her neck. “Remind me why we picked poker again?”

“Because somepony was a little too eager for us to play a certain other card game,” Twilight replied, narrowing her eyes across the table to a certain pegasus.

“What?” Rainbow said, half-startled. “Don’t deny we had an awesome time playing that!”

“Applejack ran off crying after less than an hour!”

The farmer’s neck slumped, letting her hat slip depressingly over her glazed eyes, prompting a friendly pat on the back from Rarity. “Ahem, I believe we said we would never talk of that game again.”

“Oh...yes,” Fluttershy murmured. “Though um...actually I would like to try ‘Monopony’ sometime. That one sounds awfully exciting.”

“Ugh, isn’t that the one that takes eleventy-billion hours to complete?” Rainbow scoffed, unintentionally making Twilight shiver via the mathematical butchery.

“Let us first manage to get through this game girls, shouldn’t we?” Rarity peeked at her cards once more. “Poker is all the rage up in Canterlot right now, don’t you know. Fancy Pants is making quite the killing.”

"Oh no..."

"Not actual killing Fluttershy. It's an expression."

“Soooo…” Pinkie said impatiently, practically bouncing in her seat and making shadows from the lantern dance vividly on the barn walls. “Is anypony brave enough to match me? Surely one of you is...” Her eyebrows wiggled dangerously along with her mane, coordinating with a dangerous grin .

“I’ll pass,” Rarity said, sliding her face-down cards forward.

“Eeeyup, mee too.”

“Umm...me three.”

All eyes turned to Rainbow Dash.

“Uhhh..” She squirmed in her seat, before finally slumping forward in despair. “Fine! I’m out too. But only cause my hand's a load of horse-apples!”

"Rainbow! Shh!" Rarity reprimanded. "We talked about this before. No swearing. We don't want you banned from any more school plays."

"Uh...whoops. Sorry."

Only Twilight remained. If she matched Pinkie, one of them would be going out straight away. But letting her get away with a reckless bluff now would likely give her a psychological advantage for the rest of the game. Twilight was fairly sure either of them would be allowed to buy back in regardless, and it was a pretty good hand to bet on…

“Oh, you know what? Fine. You’re on,” Twilight said, magically arranging all of her chips twenty centimetres further forward in perfect alignment to their original position. Pinkie's grin somehow doubled in size.

“Looks like it’s a showdown then.” Applejack chivvied her hat back up and grabbed the rest of the pile. “Let’s see yer cards.”

Twilight flipped over her Queen and Ace, only to stare in disbelief as Pinkie revealed two Aces. There was beginner’s luck, and then there was that.

“Dang, you weren't kidding girl,” Applejack said, turning over both the flop and the turn - revealing another Queen and the fourth Ace. Pinkie’s three-of-a-kind to Twilight’s two-pair. But there was still a mathematical chance - even if it was considerably small - of a full-house. The last card just had to be a Queen…

The three spectators gulped audibly. Twilight looked over to Pinkie, whose attention was completely taken by Applejack’s moving hoof. It returned to the pile and gripped the last card, just as Twilight twigged that in the heat of the moment, she hadn't realised a second Queen would reward Pinkie with a superior full house.

And then the card turned, revealing itself to be...another Ace.

Pinkie whooped in delight at her four-of-a-kind, and grasped her now-doubled bounty as Twilight’s brain crunched to a complete halt. Flashbacks from her day spent wasted trying to understand the Pinkie Sense threatened to overtake her. Hurriedly, she looked down at her solitary Ace, just to make sure she hadn't imagined it. It stared back at her, clear as Celestia's day.

But...but...I checked the deck before...how…how is that poss-

A slight cough from Rarity drew Twilight from her thoughts to look up, where she saw her four friends all morosely mouthing the same words, as the oblivious and victorious fifth continued to giggle manically.

“It’s Pinkie”

The five friends spent the next dozen seconds ducking and scrambling for cover, as Twilight flipped the table with her magic.

“Oh hey, you’re back early,” Spike said, putting down his comic book as Twilight walked past his bedroom door. “Like...three hours early. What happened? Did you...did you win or...?”

“Spike, know this.” Twilight leant round the door, an evil glare in her eyes and a burnt haze adorning the edges of her mane. “From now on, I am never, ever playing card games again.”

A few thousand yards away, in the empty yet comfortable confines of Fluttershy's cottage, Discord lowered a huge glass cup from his ear.

"Oh yes Princess Twilight...yes you will..."