I am Kitty.
Not real name, no. Parents, eh... they sell for soup, very young, not so much with remembering what they call me. Loggers call "Hey, Kitty Kitty" and don't eat Kitty after cook loses thumb trying, so Kitty stays. Use for hunting, always in woods, only bones for Kitty, so... not eat so good. Hunt loggers, after time they find bones hidden behind shit house, try to hunt Kitty. This... not go so good, right? Haha! Kitty eats GOOD that week!
Hey, you want story? I tell story. Oh, hello rainbow asshole! See how much you can kick me in cage! Always they say cage is for bad men, but I find cage safe and sometimes warm to sleep.
Where was I? Oh, right. When only seven loggers they get in ship and leave. So I go with, live in vents- still very small, even for Negonian. But, eh.. not eat so good. Ship makes only paste, paste, always this paste that taste like grass. After day, maybe two, I find logger and eat. Goes for few days, but they know is missing, ransack ship. Never ducts though, I am very small and so fast, and is fun when more is missing and they stop sleeping. Last one, oooh! Haha! Make big mess in stall. But no more food, so ship floats, I push buttons... think will starve before Squirrels find me.
Yes, Squirrels. You know, with hats? Love books, libraries, literature.. don't stop with chatter on "thesis" and "dissertation" and "study." Flying assholes in ship, but they find Kitty, take on ship, never find bones hidden under beds, put collar on and try teach Kitty. Show pictures, read words and write more words all day, put funny hat on me some days. But eh, Squirrels... they eat nuts, fruits, more grass, not feed Kitty so good except sometimes eggs and fish. So, I eat. Very pretty is Squirrels, I make loincloth of blue one!
Why you vomit? Come back, still telling story. Not even to pony asshole yet.
Again with .. okay, I wait.
...
Hello pink asshole! Good, you bring back. Now. Story. Right, so Squirrels find bones hidden behind bookcase after they see loincloth, then with the hitting and the shocking and Kitty wake up in tube. Big, glass, like with window but not for breaking, Squirrels very pissed. Have other assholes cut up Kitty, little pieces in boxes, go on for long time. Then I not wake up. Like long dream with crazy big blue pony, horns and wings and stars saying about destiny, all singing and more words. I wake up bound in ship with other assholes, big purple one, little Negonian one, crazy one with three head. Try to talk but is muzzle, ship goes and BOOM, all dark again.
Some little house cat talk about fate and destiny again, boring. Pokes Kitty in head and wake up again near farm. Which is good, because hungry, so I catch chickens and pig but then orange pony come- YEAH, I SEE YOU BACK THERE SNEAKY ORANGE ASSHOLE- and with the kicking and the hitting. Very surprised, as have never before met pony which can talk. I meet crazy bug in rock suit and mustache, three head lizard with the touching and the feeling, giant crow with poop swords, but no talking pony before. So I run to woods. Good, yes? No. All food in woods is wood and rock and not so good with the eating. I find big shit house in woods, big pot for going, even bed for sleeping. I spray, tell assholes shit house is mine. But then stripey pony come, with the screaming, say "Foul scent give me the ire" and after pot fall over say "Oh no hut is on fire" so I go. Smells of burning going, so whatever. Other shit house in woods somewhere, maybe other bed too.
So go and look to food. Find little.. eh, tree house? Like what Squirrels like, not with books but with so much food! Little bird for snack, little weasel not fast enough, but when find crazy white bunny, yellow asshole hiding there behind couch comes and the yelling, but no hitting. Stares in eyes, goes all talky, so I think maybe for the mating? I grab, but then the hitting and the biting so no, so I run down road. Doesn't chase, so that is good, so come to bench down road- no assholes there, tree with shade, so I think maybe good place for Kitty to rest. But on bench is book, very pretty book, brown pony on front with crazy monkey man. I want to keep, so I spray, right on squiggly lines inside cover, but then there is colors and BOOM and the kicking before I even see rainbow asshole! Very sneaky, full of kicking so I run after throw my book into face. I run and run and find giant pointy shit house for hiding.
Kitty hide long time, sun goes down all weird, and look out window. Little pony assholes in street, horns glowing and torches and no. I stay inside. Is very nice, smell like flower, with many soft clothes I shred to make bed for Kitty. I spray- is mine, but am going to lose two shit house in one day as crazy white asshole- yeah, you on tiny couch- come in, and then the screaming and the kicking and little tiny jewels hit Kitty in my tender spots. So I run, hide in giant cookie. Full of cookie, cookies good, but Kitty hungry- smell food upstairs! Sneak up, see two tiny assholes asleep in box, but then pink asshole comes with the kicking and giant cannon and not so much in giant cookie anymore. Crash and hide in burnt up book house, just like fucking Squirrels live.
Sorry, sorry. Do not mean with the swearing, but Kitty has bad day, very bad. Day full of assholes and the kicking and only bunch of chickens and pig for food. You see, I act very well, right? Maybe not so much Kitty's fault? Maybe let out of cage so go hunt? Later then, maybe.
So am in burnt Squirrel house. Sneaky through, find old things in basement- egg shells, silly hat, picture. Picture is very nice but broken, tiny purple pony next to giant white one, little purple lizard in shell. Someone's memories. Someone's past. Better times.
Hm. Yes. Is very nice.
So I spray. Picture and hat and shell, so know is mine.
You know, purple pony in picture looks like you? Not so much with wings, or the eyes glowing. Or the floating. Hm. Why are you all floating? Wait, rainbow color thing looks a lot like
Luna sat enjoying a cup of her favorite coffee over the nightly crossword, idly stroking Tiberius, when the peace and silence were shattered by a thunderous crash onto her balcony, accompanied by the sounds of breaking glass and her door slamming open from the fury of a goddess. There stood Princess Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic, Harbinger of Friendship, in all of her glory and rage, who in the majestic roar of the Royal Canterlot Voice exclaimed,
"STAY OUT OF WEIRD PONY'S DREAMS!"
Twilight panted for breath as the dust drifted and debris showered lightly around her and the Princess of the Night.
"Seriously, Luna. You managed to summon one and he sucks."