COALSMOKE’S CUTIE MARK
A Grumpy Goat *tail*
by
De Writer (Glen Ten-Eyck)
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I was sitting quietly at a table in the outdoor dining area of Caramel Treat’s Sweets, about to enjoy a clover-top buger, onion rings and a Milkmare of Trottingham clotted cream milkshake. The waitress and counter mare, Peanut Brittle, a lovely palomino, was still setting it all out for me when pale brown magic slammed it all off the table and knocked Peanut from her hooves.
Peanut took one glance at our assailant and screamed, “Boss! He’s back! Get the constables!”
I recognized him. Not by name, but from the memory. He was in the forefront of the anti-goat mob stirred up by the Celestian Church. He was the one who cast the first stone. First of many. My house in flames behind him made a diabolical halo around him and the hail of street cobbles that he instigated.
He was trying futilely to shove me out of my seating with his vile magic. I returned the favor. I cast a Tangle Foot spell in front of him, on Caramel’s property.
Giving up on magic, he went for brute force. He charged right into the spell. And face planted on the stone patio. He was struggling to get to his hooves. Useless in a Tangle Foot, but he didn’t know that. His efforts took on a panicked aspect as he saw Caramel Treat and her mate, Fangrin sliding out the front door.
They were both transformed into wolves. Very big wolves. They are both Werewolf ponies. Not just any wolves either. Everfree Ridgebacks, the biggest and deadliest wolves to be found in all of Equestria. They bracketed him.
Seeing his wasted efforts to free himself, Caramel stopped just short of him and gave me a questioning look.
“Tangle Foot, triggered to him,” I replied.
Nodding her huge shaggy head, she put a heavily clawed paw on the side of his neck and slapped his head down to the paving stones. Leaning close to the squalling unicorn, she hissed, “You were warned to leave my customers alone, Disere. When you would not, we got an Order of Protection from Judge Coldheart.
“You have violated it. We are detaining you until the constables take you away to jail.”
“You don’t get it! That there is a GOAT. Not just any goat! He is a Necromancer! How else you explain what he has done to me!?”
I snapped at him, “Try MAGIC! Better magic than yours!”
After the constables had the manacles on him, I released the Tangle Foot so that they could take him away.
The whole proceeding was being watched with fascinated interest by a lovely blank flank Earth pony mare. She was absolutely black in color; fur, mane and tail. Her conformation was flawless.
One of the officers noticed her and asked, “Ma’am, did you see any of this?”
She nodded, “All of it, actually. It happened just as the goat and the palomino said. I will provide evidence if necessary. My name is Coalsmoke Cumpny. My husband Partn is a lawyer.”
She gave her evidence statement and came over to my table. She limped slightly on the left foreleg. She saw me looking at her leg but went ahead and proffered me a card.
It read: The Law Firm of Partn Cumpny, specializing in divorce, wills, probate and financial planning.
I looked at the card and then back to the lovely mare with the limp. A glossy black coat like that makes bruises hard to see. There are simple and minor spells that can take care of that.
Seeing my scrutiny, she said lamely, “I was sort of clumsy and bumped into a door.”
Caramel Treat, transformed back to a pony, was bringing me a replacement for my spilled order. She took one look at Coalsmoke and said, “Amazing that. The door had two ponyshoes that hit your ribs, right there, below center on your barrel. There are five other hoof marks that I can see and smell from here.
“Here is your lunch, Grumpy. Sorry about that. I really did think that Disere Pect would have more brains than to assault a customer of mine after the court order.”
“Thanks, Caramel. You think that this sweet mare has been beaten too?”
Caramel turned her pony appearing gaze to Coalsmoke. “No, Grumpy, I KNOW that she has been beaten.
“You said that you are Coalsmoke, right? Come sit here, dear. I am going to give you burger and shake on the house.”
As Coalsmoke sat, Caramel waived and called, “Peanut! Burger soft cooked and a Strawberry shake!”
Coalsmoke looked at Caramel and asked, “Why soft cooked and how did you know that I like strawberries?”
Caramel leaned back comfortably and replied, “Comes of being Were. My senses are as sharp as any predator’s. Sharper than most, actually. My mate, Fangrin, is the same.
“I can see the bruise on your jaw. That means cook soft. I can smell strawberries on your breath for at least three meals back. That answer the question?”
Coalsmoke nodded. Her beautiful eyes filled with tears. Plaintively she asked, “But what can I do? We are married. He is rich. I have a bad record and no pony will take me seriously. I would not even speak about it now except that you are, sort of not ponies, and you already figured it out.
“And, it actually looks like you might care about me.”
She sat and began to cry. While she was weeping, she noticed a small greenish glow come and go on the table in front of me. “What was that? Grumpy? Is that your name?”
I looked her in the eye as I replied, “I was testing the truth of what you told us. Lying to Caramel is really hard to do too. And really unwise. Thing is, you told us the truth but not all of it. Which is to be expected.”
Right at that moment, Fangrin, also in pony form, came out with the burger and shake. As he was setting things out, he said, “If you have a problem you just come here or let us know where you are. We will come to help if it is possible at all. The kind of thing that is happening to you should not be allowed.
“We mean that sign.” He pointed.
It read, “If you have a problem with any customer of mine, due to species, race or kind at all, please leave. If you try to cause any difficulty, WE BITE – HARD!” The words were flanked by a very well done portrait of Caramel on one side and Fangrin, her mate, on the other. In Wolf Form.
I added, “It happens that I do consult on problems similar to yours. Here. My card.”
It read, “Grumpy Goat - Licensed Practitioner of non-equine magic – All work done by registered contracts – Full refund with 10% indemnity if contract terms are not fulfilled.”
Her eyes widened just a bit as she read the card. “Registered contracts? You mean that if some pony hires you to kill another pony, you will put THAT into the Hall of Records?”
Primly, I retorted, “I would never do any such thing! The contract may state that it is fulfilled if a certain pony dies of ANY CAUSE AT ALL within a certain set time limit. The actual cause of death would NEVER be specified. Certain terms pertaining to the demise might be.”
“What about financial contracts?”
I nodded, “Again, I cannot make a specific A can buy out B for a pittance or something like that. I can arrange for embezzlers to get caught out and that sort of thing.”
Earnestly, I leaned forward as I explained, “I have to be VERY careful to stay within the bounds of the laws governing the use of non-equine magic.
“Those laws were drawn up by Celestia and Luna together with the intent of putting a crimp in the power of some groups of unicorn supremacists. Ones like, for instance, the Celestian Church.”
Coalsmoke actually smiled at that. “Did you see today’s Ponyville Prancer? She let them have it with a heavy catapult!”
We all chuckled at that. It must be tough worshiping a being who despises you and says so in print every few weeks! Celestians persist and grow in numbers, however.
She was nibbling the burger and sucking happily at her shake when a quite pudgy black and pink pinto pony came up and demanded sternly, “There you are! I had to ask the constables, in order to find you! What are you doing here!?”
Not wanting this to go further into verbal abuse, I held up his card. “She is making you money. Quite a lot of it, if your rates for advice are anything like normal.
“Presently, we are waiting for an appointment with my criminal lawyer over a violent assault. Your wife, Coalsmoke, was a witness to the event and needs to make a deposition. Unfortunately, since she IS your wife, I cannot use your services for the assault. Conflict of interest issue.”
Money being on the line his interest diverted to me. “Why would you not use your regular lawyer for this advice?”
I nodded and gestured for him to join my table. “Open tab on me, Mister Cumpny. To answer your question, you handle the issues that I need advice on. My lawyer deals mostly with things surrounding criminal events.
“I chose him after the mob burned my house and tried to murder me by stoning. As it happens, the present assault on me was by a pony from that anti-goat mob.
“I need advice on relationship and end of life issues. Especially dealing with the finances.
“For now, I need Coalsmoke to deal with the violence issue and the matters surrounding it. I promise to return her to wherever is needed as soon as we are done. Fair enough?”
He nodded slowly. “This is a matter of justice?”
I gave him my best smile as I said, “Not only justice. Profit. The idiot violated the Equality Edict, with witnesses.”
Cumpny actually smiled. “I see. Take your time and do it right. I would like some sort of reference to begin checking into how I can help you.”
I gave him my card after writing a registry number on it. “This is my contract registry file. They are required to reveal, for no charge, the total value of the contracts in it. That should get you started.”
He took my card and left. Too good to eat at the same table with a goat. That is not even rare. Irritating but not rare.
As soon as we were done, I escorted Coalsmoke up the trail to my cave. We were walking through the dappled shade of the lower woods when Coalsmoke said, “I have heard of how you do business. I may not be able to pay you.
“I own Hackamore Hauling, which has been a good, profitable business. Lately, money has been disappearing from my accounts. The Ponyville Branch of Equestrian National says that they are investigating but nothing has changed. I may not be able to make payroll in two weeks.”
I nodded slowly. “Tell you what, Coalsmoke. It happens that I do handle that sort of thing. In this case, it will boil down to some lazy or bribed ponies deciding to do their jobs.”
We came out of the shade, into the sunlight. “I do have to be paid in advance. There are rules about that connected with the magic itself. However, it is up to me, how much to charge.
“Got a silver bit in your saddle bag?”
“I can handle that. Thanks, Grumpy.”
We set foot on the ledge in front of my cave. Coalsmoke did a double take. “That looks like a fortress! Iron plate?”
I nodded proudly. “Yes. Iron plated. Designed to withstand an Equestrian Army specification battering ram or Siege Fire.”
She gave me puzzled look. “Why?”
Whistling softly as I unlocked the vault like door, I explained, “You only need ONE mob trying to murder you with rocks and burning your house down into the bargain before you begin to take simple, sensible, precautions.”
Inside, I picked up my skull, with the everburning candle between the horns, glowing, snake-like eyes and fangs where a goat’s vegetation choppers should be. I let the glamor of a goat body go and put on my skull. It seemed to float in the air because the real me is invisible.
Coalsmoke did another double take. “You don’t need to impress me, Grumpy.”
“I am not. A glamor spell like my goat appearing body, takes energy to maintain. This is the real me, courtesy of a printer’s mistake and the Litch King’s twisted sense of humor.” (For details read A Bad Day for Grumpy Goat)
“That is the real you?”
“Yes, I am afraid so.”
“OK. It is your home, be comfortable.”
I pointed to my easy chair with a glamored hoof. “Take it easy, Coalsmoke. Here, read this carefully.” I handed her a copy of my legal boilerplate cover page. It is the same for all of my contracts. States the terms of payment and refund, the fact that the CONTRACT IS FULFILLED NO MATTER THE APPARENT CAUSE, IF THE DESIRED RESULT STATED ON PAGE TWO OCCURRS. There are a few other minor issues covered as well. Those are the substance of it.
Coalsmoke did read it all carefully. We put our heads together, as it were and wrote the second page. Embezzler to be found by the bank and recovery of funds from the embezzler’s accounts or seizure of property to cover the loss was basically it.
We initialed all the boxes and filled in the amount to be payed. She handed over the silver bit and we signed the deal.
Looking up expectantly, she asked, “Do we do rituals or something now?”
I grinned as I told her, “No. I will register this tomorrow and then I will do the necessary things.
“This contract is with ME. I will be a middle goat and keep you safe in the process.”
“Is it dangerous, Grumpy?”
I gestured at my effectively non-existing self and said, “Guess.”
Puzzled, Coalsmoke said, “You are going to put your life on the line for a silver bit?”
I cocked my head and frowned, “No. You have been beaten in a way that no mare should be unless she is a masochist, which you are not.
“I have had more than my share of beatings too. I was given a chance to even scores. I am doing this for YOU first and me second. It allows me to do a targeted bit of revenge.
“If you wanted it, we could start this over and take down your mare beating monster of a husband.”
She gave me a look of both revulsion and sadness. “I don’t want to destroy Partn. I just want my company to be able to function properly and somepony is wrecking it. That has to stop.
“It is all that I have, really. I got it when Dray Hackamore was convicted of the second attempted murder of Brightmane Treat. Doctor Red Mane and I were tried too. Both of them were convicted but I was acquitted of all charges.
“While awaiting sentencing on the attempted murder charge, Dray was murdered in prison brawl. He died without a will or heirs. As his widow, I got the company.”
Proudly she said, “I built it into the best haulage company in Ponyville!” Shifting mercurially, she added with a sad head shake, “I couldn’t do the same for my reputation. Every pony remembers that I was tried. None of them, especially Partn, seem able to remember that Judge Coldheart acquitted me of all charges.”
I laid a hoof on her foreleg and said softly, “There are some who do. We aren’t exactly ponies, though we are Equesrian citizens. I do. Caramel Treat, who owes her werewolf condition to Dray’s poisoning attempt, does. A name like Coalsmoke is rare. She knows.”(For details read Brightmane’s Foal)
The look that Coalsmoke gave me was so forlorn that it almost broke the heart that I no longer have. “Why can’t Partn? I am his wife.”
Actually, I knew the answer to that. I couldn’t tell her though. She was not asking it for an answer. She was giving voice to her pain.
Many ponies that become lawyers are sadists. Very civilized sadists, usually. However, the inflicting of pain or injury is WHY they practice law.
Keeping my promise, I escorted Coalsmoke home. After I dropped Coalsmoke off at the Cumpny estate and started back to my place, some ponies started following me, making crude remarks about a goat being with a mare.
They were loud, obnoxious and started adding Celestian slogans about pure pony blood. I got to the woods that spread out from the foot of my mountain. They thought that they had me and tried to close in.
I dropped the goat body glamor and vanished from their sight. It was a merry X’ibain Fire Drill as they scattered and rampaged about trying to locate me. A little creative ventriloquism had them heaving rocks and whamming with clubs. At each other!
A most diverting way to spend an evening.
After I passed my spring, where I stopped for a quick drink, I went on up. It was well after dark when I got back to my cave for a well deserved rest.
Hah! Fangrin was waiting at my door. “May I come in, Grumpy? I want to talk to you about something private.”
It is a testament to Fangrin’s senses that he knew that I was there at all. I held my door for him and said, “Of course, Fangrin. What is it?”
He seated himself politely on a cushion on the carpet and waited for me to don my skull with its everburning candle. He indicated my easy chair and said, “This is not a professional visit, Grumpy. I have just today found out something about Coalsmoke. It bothers me and I do not know if Caramel knows.
“Before I bring it up to her, I wanted some more neutral advice. I like Coalsmoke. The problem is this. She was tied up with the attempt to murder Brightmane, Caramel’s mother, while she was pregnant with Caramel.”
I nodded seriously, steepling my glamored hooves, done to help Fangrin to be at ease. “I thought that might be it. Did you learn that Coalsmoke, alone of the conspirators, was acquitted of all charges? It was somepony that you are familiar with who did it. Judge Coldheart.
“If there is a better, fairer, judge in Equestria, except for the Twins themselves, I am unaware of it.”
Fangrin’s huge, shaggy, head nodded. “I did learn that. My fear is that Caramel may learn of it and be upset.”
I raised a hoof, pointing to him, as I replied, “She already knows. What firm does she use for all of your business’ hauling?
“Hackamore Hauling. Coalsmoke owns Hackamore Hauling. Do you think for one second that she did not look into the firm very carefully before engaging them?”
Fangrin sort of curled up on my Saddle Arabian hoof knotted, deep pile carpet. “I had not thought of that. What was done to Brightmane was an evil thing though.”
I nodded briskly, sending dancing shadows about the cave’s front chamber. “It was indeed. Much good has sprung from that evil, hasn’t it?”
Fangrin knit his brows in puzzlement at first. Then his eyes slowly widened as he realized the many consequences of that attempt on the life of Brightmane, Caramel’s mother.
“I see, Grumpy. Because of it, Caramel is a Werewolf and we are happily mated. Our business gets much of its fame from us as Weres.” Suddenly his face split into canine grin, all happy fangs. He pointed to me. “Because of it, I was in Ponyville at the right time to save a goat that was being stoned by a Celestian mob.”
I nodded again. “Right. All of that good has sprung from that evil act. The world is not a simple place. And, yes, Caramel does know already. Incidentally, so does Brightmane.
“Does that help any, Fangrin?”
Arising to his full, and imposing, height, he nodded briskly. “It has relieved my mind a great deal. Thank you, Grumpy.” He left my cave with uncanny silence for so large a beast as he is in his wolf form.
I secured my door and finally got some rest. Except for the dreams.
They were ghastly, roiled and haunted by fire and angry mobs throwing stones. The crackle of my home and library burning. The sound and feel of bones breaking under the assault. The horrid fear as the monster wolf appeared. There was not one wolf, but TWO.
I lost consciousness still clinging to the only book that I had saved. I had that only because it was in hoof when the mob broke into my house.
There were kind ponies too. My bones knit painfully and I read my book obsessively because it was all that I had. That and fear. Fear crystallizing to hate.
Never losing, and underlaying all, the sound and scent of fire destroying a whole life of education and study. Fire destroying home and safety. The sound and smell of fire burning my own fur and skin. The glow of flame. The pain. The stones. The breaking bones.
I was gently shaken awake. The Litch King, a skeletal Alicorn whose bare boned face should not have been able to show any expression, was looking on sadly. Full of concern.
“You were dreaming again, Grumpy. I think that I am fortunate in not needing or wanting sleep. It brings you such horrors. How can living things be so awful to each other?”
“Says the keeper of the Realms of the Dead.”
“Yes, I am. What happens there is just punishment or proper reward earned while one lives. I freed you from that. Technically, you are dead. I am letting you create your own reward or punishment here, in the land of the living.”
I reached out a hoof that could not be seen by mortal eyes. The Litch King had no trouble seeing it as I reached out and took his hoof in quiet companionship.
I remembered the second time that I had called him up. I had the pentacles right, that time! Dratted printer’s error, swapping them like that! (For details, read A Bad Day for Grumpy Goat)
By then, I knew that I had been given a real favor. The Litch King could have simply taken me. Instead, thanks to the form that he left me, I have developed a thriving and legal business that lets me get my revenge on ponykind, with exceptions for those few that I like.
The wolves from my dreams? Caramel Treat and Fangrin, her mate. Werewolves. Ponies most of the time. Run a sweet shop and restaurant. Their waitress, Peanut Brittle, a palomino, helped to nurse me back to health after the burns and stoning. She also saved my book for me. I owe them a lot.
Thanks to my background, I really feel for Coalsmoke, too. Battering like she has taken should not happen!
Back to calling up the Litch King. He did give me good advice and better deal than I probably deserved. So, when he came, I did not try any ordering him about. I talked to him. We put our heads together on the particular contract that did need his help to carry out.
We clicked. At the end of the session, instead of dismissing him, I asked him, “Um, Litch King, will you give your word to be a good guest as ponies and this goat understand such things?”
He gave me a bony stare, full of curiosity. “What do you mean, Grumpy? Why ask that?”
“Well, I like you. If you don’t mind, I won’t dismiss you. Instead, I will make this summoning pentacle permanent but with a break in it. It will leave you free to come and go.
“All that I ask is that you stay here in my cave or the ledge outside unless I ask you to come with me someplace.”
Anxiously I asked, “Will you do that?”
“Are your friends so rare that you will risk ME, the Ruler of the Dead to be your house guest? Um, that question sort of answers itself, doesn’t it?
“I swear it, Grumpy. I like you, too.”
I promptly drew a pair of lines across the boundary of his pentacle. The Litch King was free in my home, as a welcome guest.
Now, he was the one there, caring that I was having nightmares. It was one of the best things that I ever did, I think. He has been a very good guest.
“What are you going to do about the mare that was here, Grumpy?”
I drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I am uncovering the embezzler who is running her company out of business. I think that I know who it is, too.”
He asked probingly, “Is that all, Grumpy?”
“Nope. As soon as it is light enough, I am going to register the embezzler contract. Then I am going to see her husband, Partn Cumpny to buy a long tonne of advice and example documents relating to the financial sides of divorce, separation and death issues.”
The Litch King tilted his head as he thought it through. “Devious, Grumpy. I like it.”
I nodded happily. “Correct, Litch King. I expect, on the basis of psychology, that the embezzler is her husband, Partn. Isolation and denial of resources is a common pattern among the severely abusive.”
The Litch King asked politely, “You do not need me to carry out so simple a thing as finding an embezzler, it is true. May I see the contract anyway?”
I shrugged, “Why not? It is going to be publicly registered.” I handed him the sheets.
He looked them over before handing them back. “I can help with the timing, Grumpy. I will give you a week to get what you need from him. Then I will ensure that the contract is carried out in good time.”
I nodded to him and jokingly asked the animated skeleton of an Alicorn, “Have you eaten lately?”
He replied, “Not really. I do not require food any more than you do. I did notice that you continue to eat, even though it is not needed. Why?”
I got up and entered my bit of a kitchen, where I started knocking together an alfalfa flower and egg scramble. “Two reasons, Litch King. The first is the comfort of habit. The second is simpler. I like the flavors.”
“I see. That is very clear, Grumpy. Did you know that you are most unusual?”
“How so? Is common courtesy so rare?”
“I am afraid so. I have existed for over 3000 years. Nearly since the beginning of the world. In all of that time, you are the first to simply trust me and welcome me to their home.
“Nobody ever offered me a snack of simple cooked food, either. If you do not mind, it smells good. May I try a tiny bit?”
Laughing, I divided the scramble and gave him a plate. We ate quietly. The Litch King was not only savoring the food, which did not simply fall through his bones, as I half feared it might, he appeared to be taking his time for another reason. The food vanished as he chewed. I let him have the time to think.
He neatly put his dish in the washing tub. Mine followed, along with the cook pan. I scrubbed it all clean and set things out to dry.
“Calling me Litch King all the time is pretty formal and distances us, Grumpy. I don’t want that. Not here. Call me Clarence. I like Clarence. If you or anypony tries to summon me by it. I WILL destroy them.”
There was that bare bones grinning expression where none should be possible, but was. “You see, Clarence is not really my name. Close enough though. One thing. If you are in need and call for me by Clarence, I will come to your aid. No fancy pentacle needed. You have offered me friendship. I will return it.”
“I may be several days down in Ponyville on this, Clarence. It is going to cost a lot, too. I hope that I will learn enough to be really useful in my contracts. Even if Partn is sludge.”
“Do you mean scum?”
“No, Clarence. In a cesspool, scum floats. Sludge is the rotten stuff that sinks to the bottom!” Clarence’s laughter followed me down the trail to Ponyville.
I did stay at Peanut Brittle’s place. Even though neither my spirit body or glamor body could get dirty, I showered compulsively after each daily session with Partn. It felt like what I was learning from him stained my soul in a way that not even illegal necromancy could.
Partn actually knew his subject very well. He could explain complex issues in plain language and show me just how to weasel word even simple things to create or close loopholes. I spent the whole week, with only a little time out for his court appearances and to interview clients.
Partn was so focused on the law issues that I was able to show him some psychological issues, connections, and revealed weaknesses in depositions and the like.
Why do it? Remember my basic feeling toward ponies in general? It fit right into my desire for revenge. Sadly, I was dead right about Partn’s psychology. He was a sadist, a truly mean one.
And well paid for it. My gold added to his wealth. It was a knowledge that made me feel almost ill, but well worth the money.
At week’s end, I actually held a small party at Caramel Treat’s Sweets. I even hired someone else to serve so that Peanut could be a guest. I owed her.
As the festivity was getting under way, Caramel asked, “I thought that you liked Coalsmoke, Grumpy. Why spend so much time with her husband, when he is such an abusive bit of sludge?”
I looked up brightly from my alfalfa steak with exotic Saddle Arabian mesquite sauce and replied cheerfully, “Because I hate Partn for what he has done to Coalsmoke. Tell me, Caramel, what is the guiding principle of X’ibian Pon-fu?”
Caramel drew her brows down in concentration as she thought over the question. “It turns an enemy’s strength or force against ~ ~ ~” Her eyes went wide with comprehension and her face split into a grin full of wolf fangs, even though she was in pony form. Fangrin and Peanut were almost as fast on the uptake.
It became a merry party indeed. I was sorry when it was time to go. The climb through the woods and past the spring was uneventful. Clarence was waiting for me on the ledge.
“Grumpy! I am glad to see you! I owe you so much! I had forgotten how good the sun feels on my bones. I found a book on your shelves and I am part way through it.”
Interest piqued, I wondered, “Which book was it, Clarence?” I was expecting it to be something from my newly developing library of non-equine magic. He surprised me.
Utterly enthusiastic, he replied, “It is called Daring Do and the Secret of the Gyptian Tomb! It is very exciting! Daring Do is truly heroic!”
Delighted, I replied, “Indeed she is, Clarence. Let me get my skull and the book. We can sit out here. If you don’t mind, we can share it. I will read to you. I enjoy reading aloud.”
Sitting out on my ledge, reading to a friend, as the true Celestia’s sun set in a glory of light clouds and the stars came out, made a perfect end to a fine day.
Two days passed with the usual small but profitable business of messing up the lives of ponies at the demand and payment of other ponies. Causing lust, cutting others out of deals, injuries, illness, the usual. At a minimum of 100 gold bits, paid in advance. All contracts fully legal, thanks to weasel wording, and publicly registered.
Between times Clarence and I sat outside in the sun or by moon and starlight and read. Read what? Daring Do, of course. There are 22 books in the series so far and we were only on our second one.
It was mid morning of the third day that Coalsmoke staggered up the trail to my place. She was bleeding from opened scabs and had many bruises. She was favoring her left foreleg so much that I feared that it might be seriously injured.
Both Caramel and Fangrin, in wolf form, were helping her. There was blood on Fangrin’s jaws and Caramel had some on her forelegs.
None of it was theirs or Coalsmoke’s. Alarmed, I herded them all inside and secured my door against siege. As Coalsmoke observed earlier, it is stronger than Equestrain Military Specification for fixed fortresses.
I took one look at Coalsmoke’s pitiful condition and started getting out cushions. She was covered with bruises, cuts from impact, actual hoof marks torn into her skin, and possible broken bones.
She whimpered, “I will get blood on your cushions and carpet, Grumpy.”
I replied gently, “Forget that. I can deal with blood. What happened and whose blood is that on Fangrin and Caramel?”
Caramel answered, her voice gone hard and level. Full of hate. “The blood is from a unicorn named Disre Pect. You may remember him. Partn hired him to guard the house and make sure that Coalsmoke could not escape. He had a heavy military crossbow.
“Fangrin and I were outside on the street in front of the Cumpny estate in pony form. He took a pot shot at us. Mistake. His last.”
Coalsmoke looked at them as if she had never really seen them before. Likely true enough. Caramel and Fangrin have been very careful with their public image. Even when transforming to protect clients like me at their restaurant, they act with care and restraint. This was their real nature showing.
Coalsmoke swallowed hard as she settled herself, carefully and with much wincing, to the cushions. Then she said, “The Equestrian National Bank ran an audit on the local branch. The found out who was stealing from my Hackamore Hauling accounts and traced the bank personnel responsible. They were fired and arrested.”
She turned her head to stare at me. I will swear that her lovely black eyes glowed with flames of hate. “It was Partin! He stole over 75,000 golden bits from my company! They froze his assets entirely and recovered all the money!
“They have refused to allow him any access or to transact any business through Equestrian National. They have demanded that he move his accounts elsewhere!
“Partn was furious! He tried to make me give him my whole company! I told him that our pre-nuptial contract said that Hackamore Hauling is mine alone! He actually screamed at me in public that it was a worthless piece of paper and I did not need any company or income! I was HIS!
“That was when he hit me the first time! There were a bunch of witnesses! He dragged me home and began to really beat me. He tied me to a sleeping stall and locked the house when he went to his office.
“I managed to use a blanket like a rope to pull a Magic Net mirror into reach. I couldn’t think who to call. Then I remembered what Fangrin said. I called Caramel’s and they came, just like Fangrin said that they would.”
Coalsmoke stared at me and I would swear that right alongside the hate was a hurt and confused little filly. “It is wrong of me, dear Celestia and Luna, it is wrong! I want him dead. I want Partn destroyed. I should have listened to you before, Grumpy.”
I simply gazed into her eyes for a moment before answering, “Why is it wrong? Partn is a monster. We all know that.
“What I wonder is why, with these injuries, you came here?”
Coalsmoke pointed to Caramel and Fangrin. “They brought me here. I said that I should go to Ponyville General but they said no. They were afraid that Partn could get to me or the doctors if I went there.”
I nodded briskly, “They were right, too. I am going to interrupt you long enough to take care of your injuries. That does mean you getting up. We have to get you into the back chamber of this cave. The working pentacles that I need are there.”
It took me, Caramel and Fangrin to get her back to her hooves and into the back room. As we did it, I had to touch Caramel. That was a shock. I knew now why she was in Were form.
Her pony form was injured near to death. She had a crossbow or similar projectile wound all the way through her neck. By staying Were long enough, a few weeks, in this case, it would heal. I could do it quicker. Thing is, I did not want to reveal any of my non-equine magic secrets to anypony, not even my friends.
The pentacle and almost all the rest of what was to come was covered in a book of mine. Showmanship and the Arts of Misdirection, was the title.
A worried Coalsmoke asked, “Grumpy, I don’t have so much as copper. Don’t you have to be paid before your magic works?”
I nodded briskly. “Got that covered, dear. Fangrin, did you and Caramel bring any money either?”
Fangrin asked innocently, “No. Why?”
“So that I can heal that neck wound of Caramel’s. That is one dangerous wound to leave untreated.”
Caramel said softly, “Oh, you know about that?”
“Yes. If you transform in the next week, say in your sleep, you will die from it. I don’t want you to.
“Again, any money on you?”
Both of the Weres shook their heads. “Afraid not, Grumpy. What can we do about it?”
I went to my strongbox and pulled out a small pouch. I gave Coalsmoke and Caramel each five golden bits. “These are not a loan. They are a gift. The money is yours. Use it wisely.”
They each promptly handed back the coins. “Here, Grumpy. We want to buy a healing each.”
I put the money back into the pouch and put it away.
“OK. Both of you, get into the big pentacle there. Once I light the candles, don’t stir so much as hair outside of it. Fangrin, you get into that smaller one over there. Same rule.
“I will join you in a few moments.”
I set candles at “cardinal points” around the pentacle with Coalsmoke and Caramel. I drew strange words in a stranger alphabet all about them. Did the same around the one that Fangrin was in, too.
I lugged over a tall, spindly, ornately carved book stand, putting it by Fangrin. I added an impressive looking book which I opened after some “magical passes” about it. As I opened the book, the candles came to life, one after another, around the big pentacle and then the small one. Simply amazing how impressive a simple small fire spell is under the right circumstances.
I chanted an impressive nonsense as smoke arose around both Coalsmoke and Caramel. As it swirled up, I told them, “If you like, you can close your eyes. The smoke is harmless in itself. Coalsmoke, whatever you feel, simply stay still. Caramel, once you are covered by it, transform very slowly. Like Coalsmoke, stay still.”
This was almost all show with very little real anything. Oddly, the money thing was important. The show does have a real purpose though. The placebo effect is as real in magic as it is in medicine.
I returned to chants and stuff while I did the very simple real healing spells. They are not instant, but they are a lot like a glamor. Easy to do. A glamor is cast ON myself, a pony or anything else. Healing is cast INTO the being to be healed. It creates an illusion of repair so good that the body actually does it in only moments.
The smoke subsided slowly, seeming to sink into the stone floor of the chamber. Two mares stood there, safe and whole. The candles all went out at once.
I said, “That’s all, folks! Feel free to move about.”
We all trooped back into the front.
Vindictively, Coalsmoke asked, “Can we draw up Partn’s death warrant now?”
I replied, calmly, “We can draw it up, yes. Put it into effect, no. Not even if you paid me, which you could, in only a few hours.”
The others were looking at me strangely. Caramel began to smile. “You never do something like that without a really devious reason. Give, Grumpy.”
I sat in my easy chair, like a throne. I reached into a file that was handy and pulled out papers. “I spent a week with that sludge lump, Partn, but it was a profitable one. You need to do a lot of paperwork, Coalsmoke.”
She began to leaf through the stack. “Whole life insurance with me as beneficiary? A new will? Me getting the bulk of the estate? What is this trust fund thing? His practice’s files go to me on his death? Practice files? Why would I want those?”
“You may thank your “dear husband” for thinking of the trust, Coalsmoke. It will take effect immediately upon constable report documentation of his death. It will provide you with living expenses, cover taxes and funeral costs.
“As for his Practice files, other lawyers in similar specialties will buy them for a simply astounding sum! It both makes you richer and takes care of his clients.”
“Partn will never sign any of this, Grumpy.”
My fleshless skull that could not show any expression, nevertheless grinned. “Yes he will! He just won’t know it! While I was with him for that week, I got over thirty examples of his signature and mark. I got more than a hundred different initial sets. I also got all of the numbers from 0 to 9!”
“But, Grumpy, how can we get it all where it will be found?”
“We will put it all in the very first place that lawyers will look. In the Hall of Records in the Town Hall. The documents there are publicly accessible. We go in, check out his public file and add these for only the registry fee. They will all be added to the file inventory. I have already looked. He has a main business file containing a subfile of personal documents. As his wife, you can legally add to his files.”
She nodded slowly. Beginning to grin happily for the first time since I had known her. Oddly, I felt really good about that.
We did sit down and sort out the contract to be fulfilled if Partn should die for any reason during the term from final signing and payment for a period of a month after.
Coalsmoke, Caramel and Fangrin all left together, far happier than when they came.
It took Coalsmoke over a week to get all the papers into order. As fast as she brought me any paper, I used transfer magic to get it all signed dated and initialed with a good, original looking signature. Copies had to be taken back to various companies and agencies and, finally, the whole package got put into the Partn Cumpny file in the Hall of Records.
Coalsmoke paid me. I filed another contract that same day. Hers.
Unknown to Coalsmoke, there was a third party in our little game. Clarence. He looked it all over and grinned his fleshless grin.
“You know, Grumpy, that Partn is going to find the new changes to his file?”
“I do know it, Clarence. How quickly he will find them and what he will do about them is the only part that worries me.”
Almost irrelevantly, Clarence observed, “The Weather Factory is most unhappy. An unscheduled thunderstorm is striking eastern Ponyville.”
The next morning dawned bright and clear. Clarence and I were out front on the ledge, reading Daring Do and Pyramid of Doom. Coalsmoke came dancing up the trail! Before she said anything, she gave me a delightful big hug!
Before Clarence could go away, I introduced, “Coalsmoke, my dear, I would like you to meet my friend. He goes by Clarence, though that is not really his name.”
She gave me a meaningful look. I replied, “Clarence is also in the magic business. He and I worked together on your case. He knows all about it.”
She held out a hoof and said, “If you are a friend of Grumpy’s then I am honored to meet you. I hope that I am not interrupting anything important.”
I assured her, “Only whether Daring Do will get out of the latest difficulty.”
Coalsmoke clapped her hooves and exclaimed, “I love Daring Do! Let me tell you my good news! Then, if it is alright, I would love to listen, too!”
Both Clarence and I nodded permission, so she plunged ahead, “You can already keep your gold, Grumpy! Partn found all of our forgeries in the Hall of Records! Because they were registered, he could only get copies with reference numbers. He did. He loaded them all into his briefcase and charged home to confront me.
“There was a huge thunderstorm that was not supposed to happen at all. Partn was just inside the gate of the estate when one of his trees was hit by lightning. A falling branch killed him almost instantly.
“The investigators found the whole wonderful financial package that he was hurrying home to show me when he was tragically killed! It was all right there in his briefcase!
Clarence asked thoughtfully, “Did you happen to notice anything else, Coalsmoke?”
Wide eyed, she asked, “No. What else should I notice?
Silently, Clarence pointed to her flank. It was no longer blank. There, for all to see, was the orange hour-glass mark of the Black Widow spider. On the pure black mare, it was lovely.
We all admired it for its appropriateness and settled back down to see how Daring Do was going to get out of this predicament.
—THE END—
Author's Note
This is the second *tail* in the Grumpy Goat annals.
The first *tail* is A Bad Day For Grumpy Goat , to be found in my story list.
© 2015 by Glen Ten-Eyck
Dedicated to ALTE SEELIE
without whose questions and interest this story would not exist.
