Mind of a Non-Brony

by The Forgotten Host

Rating: everyone
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 4222

TD's mind works in a very special way. It wasn't always this way though. Not since the... incident.

Luna never liked TD. But she always wanted to know more about him. But what happens when an opportunity comes her way in the form of the non-brony's dreams?

Major credit goes to BronyWriter who wrote the original fanfiction No, I Am Not A Brony, Get Me Outta Equestria!

Prequel to To Love A Non-Brony

Edited by Murder Knight.

Published 2015-01-15 05:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-12-24 19:41:17 UTC

The Dreamscape

The Dreamscape.

It was a realm unlike any other; a domain existing between reality and fantasy that only a few chosen have the immense privilege of witnessing. Here there was no time; no space and arguably no existence; only a concept that went over the heads of mortal souls. This place relied on the dreams of the living for sustenance as much as the living relied on it for reverie. Because of this, one can imagine why the Dreamscape was most active at night; a time where it was at the precipice of its already staggering magnificence.

A being had been assigned to guard this domain from any interference from the outside world and its unworthy inhabitants. As if on cue, a portal opened and a dark majestic figure stepped into the realm.

Princess Luna had entered her garden.

This was one of the few places in existence where she had more control than her sister. Ergo, she was assigned to look after it by an authority so old that even she and her sister could not remember. Luna loved the Dreamscape; not because of its unrivaled beauty (which was still a pretty big reason), but it also gave her a role; a role that only she could perform. She was the mare who guided ponies through their worst nightmares where they were at their most vulnerable. One might have considered it a taxing job but she loved every moment of it.

She soared along the ethereal mist of the Dreamscape, searching for a pony she could aid. Perhaps she could find a child who was in need of guidance.  Or maybe an adult who was having a dilemma in life that was being projected in his/her dream. It didn't really matter who, she just wanted to help. With this in mind, she searched and searched, going through name after name on the marble tablets the Dreamscape conjured for its mistress. Faces of many went through her mind as she recognized the names on the tablets. She would find somepony to aid eventually. After what must have been an hour of searching without result, it was clear that no pony in existence needed her help.

“This must be some sort of quip,” Her eyes narrowed. This had been the third night without a single bad dream. Don’t get her wrong, she was happy the night was free of nightmares. But without the presence of unpleasant dreams, she had no reason to be in the dream world and as a result, she was short another royal duty and this was one of the few things she did that separated her from her sister. She began to drift back into the direction from where she came.

She sighed “Might as well wake up and- hello.”

She halted, not taking her eye off a particular weave. This one was special, neither a pony nor any other creature native to the world. It had a different feel to it.

“What could possibly- oh,” she almost grimaced, “TD Harrison Powell.”

TD Harrison Powell, if you aren't aware, was an anomaly in Equestria. He was a being that belonged to a technologically advanced race called the humans. He was trapped in Equestria by Princess Celestia by accident and stuck there for all eternity. Oh, and did I mention he was a non-brony? One could imagine that he wasn't very fond of Celestia for very obvious reasons. He wasn’t very fond of Luna either, but that was because of a whole separate host of reasons (and by reasons, I mean she snapped his spine against a chair.) Fun times!

Luna stared at TD’s tablet for the longest time. She and her sister shared many vices and virtues. One of said virtues (debatably a vice) was their unparalleled curiosity. Both wanted to know more about everything (which was probably the biggest reason why TD was stuck in Equestria in the first place.) Luna didn’t like TD but that doesn’t mean his existance never left her with an itch to learn. With all the strange gadgets he brought along with him to Equestria along with all the strange things she had read about him from Twilight’s letter, she couldn’t help but be fascinated.

And here and now in front of her was an actual gateway to the human’s dreams. She could only imagine all the information she could obtain from his dreams. However, was she right in doing so? TD was not like a pony and was very adamant on not wanting to do anything with the princess of the night. Wouldn’t that be an invasion of privacy? She looked away and began to drift away.

“But then again…” She turned and looked back at the tablet with the human's name on it.

She had been in the minds of many non-pony species long ago back during some more… unkind times. She had extracted information from the enemies of Equestria on more than a few occasions. TD was by no means an enemy of Equestria, but he was not what one might consider an ally either, his disdain for the land evident from his behaviour at the gala.

Luna’s eyebrows narrowed at the memory. The human had gall, she’d give him that. And if he had the gall to act the way he did in the gala, it wouldn’t be too farfetched to believe he would also have the gall to conspire against Equestria. The thought did not strike her well. She drifted back to the weave. Maybe she should check just to make sure his presence was safe. If there was an undocumented species living in Equestria, it made sense to do a ‘background check’ on him. And maybe she could take this opportunity to learn just a little bit.

“Just to be safe,” she reassured herself before she ran a hoof across the human’s name. The dreamscape’s color changed into a greener tint which was supposed to be the colour of the color of the being’s soul. Luna expected something darker, but then again, that was her own bias.

She closed her eyes and opened them only to be more than a little confused. Now, a pony’s mind is very different from a non-pony's mind. Luna knew that from being in the minds of countless beings. Pony thoughts were a cluster of ethereal strings connecting to the cutie mark that was their being. Minotaur minds would be a series of cubes orbiting around a central hub. Even a changelings would be a chords connected to the hive. But nothing could have prepared Luna for what she was about to see.

Memory 1

Luna felt the solid ground beneath her hind hooves. She opened her eyes, only to find that she was looking through TD’s eyes. This wasn’t unexpected, yet the placement of her fore hooves (or arms) still felt awkward. However, she was more concerned about the large human staring down at her face with a stern glare, too close for comfort. The eyes under his bushy brows were the only thing that could reveal any hint of emotion as the rest of his face was covered in a thick layer of facial hair.

“Tell me,” the decidedly male human said in a demanding voice.

“No!” she heard herself say in what felt like a much younger TD’s voice.

“Tell me,” repeated the giant human.

“No!”

“Please tell me?”

“No!”

“I’ll be your best friend,”

“No!”

“I’ll be your worst enemy!”

“No!”

Luna gave props to TD. What kind of child could look a hairy aggressor straight in the face and resist oppression? The male human sighed and backed up before rising to full height which might have even been two full heads over Celestia. The goliath of a human was wearing formal attire and had a suit case in one hand.

“Come on son,”

'THAT IS TD’S FATHER?!' Luna thought as he continued, “I need my car keys.”

“No!” the giant’s offspring refused once again.

TD’s father rubbed the back of his neck and faced the door to his far left.

“Margaret?” he called out.

“Yeah? A feminine voice answered behind the door.

“TD hid my car keys again”

“So?”

“So tell him to give them back!”

“Why can’t you do it?”

“I’m trying!” he placed the suit case down next to him, “He’s not budging.”

There was a short silence, “You're having trouble arguing with an eight year old?”

“He’s a persistent eight year old!”

The sound of someone laughing hard could be heard through the door.

He glanced back at Luna, then back at the door, “He listens to you more!”

“He listens to me cuz he doesn't have the guts to talk back. Be assertive big guy. Make him know who’s boss and he’ll do anything for you.”

The gentle giant looked down at Luna and pursed his lips, “TD,” he said in vain attempt to sound threatening, “I want my keys, now.”

TD shook his head wildly, almost dizzying Luna, “No!”

Another laugh came from the door, closer this time. “Weak!”

The man’s face contorted in embarrassment, becoming red just enough to match the color of his crimson hair, “I’d like to see you try.”

A somewhat maniacal laugh came from right behind the door before it opened to reveal a (judging from appearance) female human grinning condescendingly, “Challenge accepted.”

She was wearing black jeans with a dark purple shirt. This human wasn't nearly as tall as TD’s father, yet the aura surrounding her was menacing. Walking elegantly almost like a siren, she walked past the tall human and stopped in front of Luna, sitting down legs crossed on the ground.

“TD,” she said firmly, “Give your father his keys back.”

“No!” the child repeated what seemed to be the only word he knew. Yet his lack of cooperation did not phase the lady at all (evident by the smug smile on her face). She lowered her head concealing her face.

“Keys, TD,” She ordered slightly more intimidating, “I want those keys.”

“No!”

“Suit yourself kiddo,” she whispered before slowly raising her head.

For some reason, this felt very off to Luna, ‘I can’t put my hoof on it, but something about this human seems- HOLY MOTHER OF TAP DANCING FAUST, WHY AM I LOOKING AT FLUTTERSHY’S EYES?!’

“TD,” she said in a voice so smooth it sounded horrifying, “Keys. Now.”

…

The stare intensified, “I’m givin ya till the count of five. One.”

…

“Two”

…

“Three”

…

“Four”

Every number this human uttered felt like a slap to the face to Luna. She begged the stars for TD to answer before the dreaded number five would be mentioned. Her prayer was answered as she felt TD’s eye twitch.

“It’s in his back pocket”

Hearing this, TD’s father raised an eye brow before running a hand down his pocket. He pulled out the keys earning a finger pointed towards his face, accompanied by another round of heart-filled laughter courtesy of the human with the ‘eyes’.

“Very funny,” he deadpanned before picking up the suitcase, “Alright, I’m going to be late for the interview. So I have to jet.”

The human with the ‘eyes’ stood to full height, looked up at the tender behemoth's face and jumped to wrap her arms around his neck hugging him, “Go get’m, you big lug.” She kissed him in the cheek earning the docile colossus a grateful smile.

Luna’s jaws would have ploughed the ground if she wasn't in TD’s body. ‘THAT’S TD’S MOTHER?!’

The man quickly paced out of the room, leaving Luna to stare at the door from where he left.

“As for you,” Her gaze went back to TD's mother’s 'eyes' who was looking down at her arms crossed. This human was slightly shorter than the non-brony Luna knew, but seemed storeys taller than the father. “Why did you hide your father’s car keys?”

Thankfully for Luna, Luna's gaze fell on the ground and TD sniffled guiltily. Luna felt a gentle hand on her shoulder and looked TD’s mother who had knelt down to the Luna’s eye level. Her face seemed sympathetic and concerned for her son, “You worry for him too don’cha?”

“mhmm,” the child responded.

“Don’t worry,” she smiled warmly (like Fluttershy Luna noted,) “He's too gigantic to just up'n disappear. He’ll be back.”

TD nodded.

“So,” his mother stood up and walked to the fridge, “what’s it gonna take to cheer you up?”

She was answered by a growl from TD’s stomach earning her a giggle, “Alright, make yourself comf’truble on that chair. I’ll fix you up something special.”

TD nodded and everything disappeared in a thick fog. Luna looked left and right for anything that wasn't a misty grey. After a few moments, the fog cleared and she found herself back in the elevator with her own body with all four hooves on the ground. Elevator TD was standing where he was before unfazed by the night princess’s sudden arrival.

“How was the memory?” he asked without a hint of emotion. Luna looked at him and back at the wall of mist.

She said, “Somehow, I feel it raised more questions than it answered.”

Memory 2

Luna didn’t know why she went through the mist again. The last experience was more than a little unnerving, seeing as though TD’s bloodline was directly linked to a being that could perform Fluttershy’s infamous ‘Stare’. Yet somehow, this only intrigued her even more. Just what other secrets was TD keeping? Not telling a single pony about this had to be a sign that he was hiding something from Equestrian royalty. At least, that’s what Luna told herself.

When she opened her eyes, she found herself in TD’s body again. Only this time he was slightly older, about a year or a half maybe. Though, she wasn’t paying attention to this as her gaze was fixed on TD’s father who was tied to a chair. She would have been concerned if not for the annoyed look on the man’s face under the seemingly thicker layer of facial hair. They were in what appeared to be a living room complete with matching sofas, a glass table.

“So,” he said in a nonchalant voice, “Did your mother put you up to this?”

TD nodded. The giant continued, “She bribed you didn’t she?”

TD nodded, “You’re not going to untie me by any chance are you?”

TD shook his head. The giant man sighed and lowered his head, “Somehow, I can’t blame you.”

The door to what appeared to be the front lawn opened, and TD’s mother entered along with two other humans. One was slightly taller than her, carrying a black plastic box wrapped around one arm. The other human, who Luna presumed was her daughter, was taller than the body Luna was in. All three were wearing thick clothes telling Luna it was a cold season.

“Man of the hour I presume?” The woman said sarcastically, placing the box on a nearby table.

“And who are you supposed to be?” the large human asked, eyeing the box.

TD’s mother stepped in to answer, “Tobias, this is Elise. She’s a friend from the café.”

“And she’s here because…”

“Your problem”

The man, ‘No, Tobias’ Luna corrected, narrowed his eyebrows, “What problem? I don’t have a problem.”

TD’s mother, ‘Margaret was it?’ Luna recalled, took out a hoof mirror ‘hand mirror?’ from her purse and pointed it towards his face. “Tell me, what do you see?”

Tobias looked at himself and Margaret, “My face.”

“No!” Margaret face palmed with her free hand, “hair, nothing but hair! How many times have I told you to shave?”

“Every time we’re about to cuddle?” Tobias said not realizing the meaning of what he just said before it was too late. “Nonono, wait!  I take that back!”

This caused Margaret’s face to blush profusely as Elise did her level best not to break out in laughter.

Margaret poked her husband’s chest, “N-not the point! I haven’t seen your face once in my life, and I’m married to you! What kind of wife doesn’t know what her husband’s face looks like?”

Tobias groaned as if he had heard this argument a hundred times, “Did you seriously tie me to a chair and have TD guard me just for an intervention with your friend?”

This made Margaret smile maniacally, “No you lovable big lug of mine, that would imply you actually have some say in this relationship.”

Tobias tilted his head inquisitively, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Elise opened the box and took out an electric razor, the sight of which made the gentle giant’s eyes widen a lot more than Luna thought was physically possible. He began struggling to get out of the ropes that were expertly tied.

Margaret turned towards Luna with her ‘eyes’ and knelt down to talk with him, “Alright Kiddo, mommy and daddy are in the middle of some very important grown-up business right now, so why don’t you go outside and play with Kristy. Kay?”

TD turned to Elise’s daughter (assuming she was Kristy), nodded to his mother, and turned towards the door.  He walked out of the room with the girl following behind. The door closed the moment both children stepped out. The only sound that could be heard was Tobias’s muffled scream, and an electric razor satiating its unquenchable thirst for facial hair.

Kristy stared at TD, and TD stared back, giving Luna more time to get the description at the small human (whom she just realized was female). She had brown eyes, very pale skin tone, and long brown wavy hair under a newsboy’s cap.

“So,” she began, “What’s your name?”

“TD,” he answered looking away from the girls face. ‘So, he was the shy type,’ Luna noted.

“What does it stand for?” she inquired.

Luna felt him shrug, “dunno,”

The little girl raised an eyebrow, “You don’t know what your name means?”

They were interrupted by the ruckus going on in the room they were in moments ago.

“I almost cut his ear off!” Elise yelled, “Can’t you do that thing with your eyes to make him stay friggin still?”

“If it worked on him, he would have shaved years ago!” Margaret answered.

“Five billion people on the planet and you mean to tell me you married the only guy who doesn’t flinch at your glare?”

“That’s why he’s the only guy I ever dated! That and he gives killer backrubs.”

Not wanting to listen in on his parents’ usual ‘bonding’ activities, TD continued from where Kristy left off, “Mom’s mom and dad’s mom argued over what my name should be, so they joined the name and called me by the first letters of the first names.”

“I see,” Kristy answered

They were interrupted yet again, “Seriously Margaret,” Elise complained, “I can barely put a dent on it! What’s this hair made of, barbed wire?!”

“This isn’t working,” Margaret answered, “Plan B! Plan B!”

Luna heard the buzzing stop only to be replaced by what she swore was the sound of a furious chainsaw. Tobias’s screams of distress got louder.

“Does this happen often around here?” Kristy asked, somewhat concerned for the giant who was taken out of his comfort zone.

“Kinda,” TD answered sitting down on the left side of the door, “mom likes to bug dad when he’s home.”

Kristy sat down on the right side, “Does it always get so intense?”

“Sometimes.”

The conversation between the children was interrupted once more by the hell that was breaking loose behind the door as the sound of the (hopefully not) chainsaw ended abruptly.

“We’re out of juice!” Margaret exclaimed frantically, “I can’t do this anymore, it’s too much! This was a mistake! I have to-”

“No!” Elise countered, “We’ve come too far, and we’re almost done! No time for doubt!”

“I can’t stand this! I have to get out of here! I need to see TD’s face again!”

Tobias who had stopped screaming for a moment chimed in, “You two are making this sound a lot more serious than it is.”

“Stay out of this!” Both women yelled in unison.

Elise continued, “We can do this. Margaret, are you with me?”

“I… I’m with you, but… how do we get through what’s left?”

“Improvise! Improvise!”

The sound of what was hopefully not a blowtorch made Tobias start screaming again. The kids however, were not the slightest bit phased. They were either used to this kind of occurrence, or did not know how to react. Either way, it unsettled Luna.

Kristy chuckled, “Grownups are weird,”

TD joined in the laughter, although still avoiding eye contact, “Tell me about it.”

“Why is that when they’re being loud, it’s fine. But when we’re being loud, it’s annoying!”

“I know right?” TD managed to make eye contact with the girl, “And why do they have to send us out of the room and say its important business. They’re shaving my dad’s face, not doing politics!”

“So true!” Kristy answered, “And don’t get me started on the ‘we do it for your own good’ speech they give you every single time you do something they do all the time.”

“That’s nothing,” TD exclaimed “compared to ‘we do it because we love you.’ How gullible do they think we are?”

Luna couldn’t help but want to chuckle at the children’s rather acute observations. Kristy was about to make another point when the door slammed open and Tobias raced out of the room with his hand covering his lower face.

The children looked inside the living room to find Margaret and Elise who were staring at the door from where Tobias left, blushing profusely.

“Margaret?” Elise began.

“Yes, Elise?” Margaret answered.

"You're husband's hot,"

“Thank you, Elise”

"Margaret?"

“Yes, Elise?”

“Congratulations”

“Thank you, Elise”

From the upper floor, everyone could hear Tobias’s frantic screams as he searched desperately for a mirror.

“My face! It looks horrible! It feels like rubber! It’s- not half bad actually.” He must have found a mirror somewhere.

Luna’s gaze went back to Kristy who stared right back at TD. There was a moment of silence before they both broke out into laughter.

That was when everything went white and Luna found herself in the elevator shortly afterwards.

“How was the memory?” elevator TD inquired once again.

“Thou hast a very colourful childhood,” Luna smiled at him and was surprised as he smiled as well.

“Best years of my life.”

Memory 3

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Association

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Simple Mind

Luna was in an elevator. She didn’t know what an elevator was, so she took some time to observe what she thought was a small room. Four lights were embedded into the ceiling, illuminating what was around her. The walls were painted a homey shade of maroon that complemented the yellow rug which was splayed on the floor quite nicely. There were golden railings on the wall behind her for whatever reasons. A jingle version of the song TD sang at the gala was playing that somehow contributed to the homey feel of the elevator.

There was a stainless steel sliding door in front of her which looked sleek and sturdy, next to which was a glossy black slate holding several buttons arranged neatly into columns and rows. . Luna observed each button and noticed numbers etched onto each of them.

“Floor?” the sudden familiar voice made Luna turn her head to TD standing right next to her with his hands crossed behind his back. The maroon suit vest and tie he was wearing would have made him blend into the wall he was next to if not for his gold dress shirt, white gloves, black pants and polished shoes.  He did not bother looking in her direction as he patiently waited for an answer with a neutral look on his face.

“Floor?” he repeated in case Luna had not heard him the first time.

Not knowing how the human’s mind worked yet, Luna randomly answered, “Three?”

TD lifted his finger and pressed the number labeled three. It began to glow upon contact. A muffled sound of gears turning could be heard and Luna was surprised when she felt the gravity slightly increase for a few moments before going back to normal. Her ear flicked at an unexpected ‘ding’ before the steel door smoothly slid open revealing a thick wall of mist.

“Your stop,” TD said pulling back his hand.

Luna turned at the human, then the wall. She craned her head forward but could not see through the mist even if she squinted.

“Why the delay?” TD asked inquisitively, not sparing a glance at the princess.

“Is it safe to go through?” Luna questioned looking back at the non-brony.

“This is the memory floor,” TD answered crossing his hands behind his back, “Nothing to fear here as far as I can tell.”

“How do I access the memories?”

“You appear in the memory you want to see,” TD stated matter-of-factly, “If you don’t have a memory in mind, then you appear in a random one.”

Luna nodded at the useful information and looked back at the ominous mist. Drawing a long breath, she passed a hoof through the wall. After feeling nothing out of the ordinary, she closed her eyes tightly shut before pushing herself to unknown territory expecting the worst.