Note: The following is not meant as a social commentary, example of real gender reactions or beliefs. All situations are absurd and extreme, as are the thoughts and reactions of the characters placed in them. It takes place in a version of Equestria where the gender roles are reversed. Where mares generally take the dominate role in initiating a relationship. Where a stallion who sleeps with too many mares can earn a bad reputation, but a mare who beds a lot of stallions is praised by her fellow mares. Where a gentle mare holds a door open for a stallion by day, and drunkenly spews cheesy pick up lines at them in bars at night.
Also due to the high ratio of mares to stallions, and a stallions need to be modest in their society, most mares are sexually frustrated to the point of near insanity. Now drop in one unrealistically oblivious human male who still has not grasped the finer points of pony culture and likes to randomly pet and touch a pony at any time. This is meant as a joke. An admittedly poorly written one, but not meant to be taken seriously or as sexist, just absurd.
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Chapter 2 Horn-ing in on a good thing.

Rarity and Twilight giggled with mischief as they whispered ideas back and forth to each other on how to trick Anon into touching their horns.

Fluttershy sat with her front hooves crossed in front of her looking somewhat annoyed. When she’d finally came to and found out what had happened, she was livid. She had “Shame on you all,” and “How could you?” at them for several minutes. She wasn’t actually angry that no one had stopped Anon from Winging Off Rainbow Dash. Even that no one told him what he was doing was morally wrong, just that no one had woken her up in time to watch.

As for Rainbow Dash, she just sat slumped way down in her seat with a blissed out look on her face and a goofy grin on her lips not caring much about anything.

“Trust me on this Rarity. I’m telling you he’ll fall for it.” Twilight seemed confident on what she had come up with.

Rarity eyed Twilight with no small amount of doubt. If the purple pony’s plan failed she’d end up spending the rest of the day cleaning milkshake off her horn and out of her mane with nothing to show for it.

Applejack just rolled her eyes as she listened in. “It’ll never work. Anon may be something of a BimbPony when it comes to a little tickle and spank, but he’s not rock stupid ya know. There is no way he’d fall for a plan as foolish as that.”

Fluttershy nodded her agreement. “Applejack is right. We, umm… need to approach this like civilized ponies.”

“Thanks Sugarcube.” Applejack smiled, “I’m glad to hear I’m not the only mare here not thinking with her plot.”

“Oh my yes.” Flutters kept nodding. “We umm, don’t need to traumatize the poor dear after all.” She put on her best motherly expression. “Things like this are umm, you know? Best done in a way that causes the least umm, amount of problems…, and memories.” She then placed a small bottle of pills on the table.

“HOOFIES!” The three ponies gasped in unison, then all quickly looked around to see if anyone had heard them. Rainbow Dash having slipped off to sleep by this point only contributed a light snore.

Applejack snagged up the bottle and hid it down under the table before anyone saw. “We are NOT gonna hoofie up Anon,” she stated firmly. “Were in tarnation did ya even get these things, and WHY are you carrying them around with ya!”

“Oh umm,” Fluttershy glanced around nervously, not wanting to look any of her friends in the eye. “It’s like Twilight always says. It’s good to, you know umm, be prepared.”

“That settles it. Yer not allowed anywhere near my brother till ya get that twisted little mind of yours set straight. Ya hear me gal.” Applejack eyed the yellow pony and slammed her hoof down on the table to emphasize her point.

Fluttershy looked hurt and shocked at her words. “Applejack, the very idea! I would never use hoofies on Big Mac (mumbles) …again…”

“I should hope not. Why I would.., wait what was that last part you just said?” Applejacks question went unanswered as Anon and a trailing and wobbly Pinkie Pie neared their booth.

Twilight seeing them approach, used her magic to quickly levitate a glob of Rarity’s milkshake from her cup and drop it on her fellow Unicorns horn.

“Gah ewww! COLD!” Rarity complained and waved her front hooves around then gave a shiver as she eyed Twilight unhappily.

Twilight just patted her on the shoulder and whispered, “Trust me, you’ll thank me later.”

Anon sat back down next to the sleeping Rainbow Dash and gave her ear a little scratch hoping the little Pegasus would cheer up soon about losing her boyfriend. She snorted a bit in her sleep and muttered “So good… so so good” then snuggled down further into the booth and up against Anon.

“Sorry it took so long guys. It took a while to help Pinkie with her ‘Cutie Cramp’ after I got cleaned up,” he explained.

Pinkie slowly climbed back into the booth on shaky legs. She seemed drained of energy, which was something no pony even thought was possible. A look of deep embarrassment was on her face as the other ponies all gave her funny looks about this so called ‘Cutie Cramp’.

“A ‘Cutie Cramp’?” Twilight said questioningly and raised an eyebrow and looked over at Anon.

“Yeah, she said it’s a pretty common thing. The muscles around a pony’s cutie mark cramp up and they need to work it out with a massage. Figured the least I could do was lend a hand. Must be a pretty serious thing. She seemed to be in a lot of pain as I helped rub around the area what withal the gasping and grunting.”

“Riiiiggghhhtt..” Twilight said in a long drawn out voice while giving Pinkie a sly wink. She realized the crazy pink pony had managed to con the human into giving her a rump rubdown while in the back cleaning up. A little grin came over Twilight as she realized something like this was too good to waste on a one time use. She casually nodded over to Applejack. “You know, Applejack here suffers from really bad, ahem ‘Cutie Cramps’, don’t you Applejack?”

Anon looked over at the earth pony in surprise as well as a bit of worry for her. “Really?”

Twilight continued, “Oh yes! What with all the apple bucking she does on the farm I imagine all her muscles get all tied up in knots. It would probably be a real help to her I’m sure if you could stop by her farm in the evenings and give her the same treatment you gave Pinkie. Isn’t that right Applejack?”

The farm pony’s cheeks flushed as she notice Anon look over at her and place a comforting hand on her shoulder. She struggled with the inner turmoil of lying to the human for a sexual thrill. Glancing at Rainbow Dash still grinning in her sleep, and at the sweaty flush faced and energy depleted Pinkie Pie she longed to feel what they had. She knew it was wrong though. She adjusted her hat and set her jaw in determination.

Applejack KNEW what she had to say as the Element of Honesty.
Applejack KNEW what she had to say as a friend of Anon.
Applejack KNEW what she had to say as… as…, as a mare who hadn’t bedded down a stallion in a little over a year and was so horny she could buck a barrel of apples to applesauce.

“It’s true alright, I get ‘Cutie Cramps’ sum thang awful sometimes.” She was going to lie her plot off, to get her plot off. “Why, I can barely make it back from the fields some days. I’d be downright grateful if you would give my plot… err I mean my ‘Cutie Cramps’ a go at with those wondrous hands of yours in the evenings. I’d even be willing to fix you up some supper afterwards.”

“Throw in a slice of that marvelous apple pie of yours and you have a deal Applejack,” Anon laughed well naturedly as he agreed and patted the farm pony on her hat.

Across from her Fluttershy eyed her with a smug smile and then held out her hoof, to which Applejack sheepishly handed back the small bottle of pills. It’s hard to be high and mighty when you’re wallowing in the same lust pit as your friends after all.

“Speaking of help darling,” Rarity stammered as she motioned up at her horn. “I seemed to have gotten some of that milkshake Rainbow Dash so unlady like spilled everywhere on my horn. I was wondering if you would be a dear and, “She gulp loudly, “Help me clean it off.”

“Sure Rarity, here let me just,” Anon reached across the table and ran a finger up the side of Rarity’s horn, trailing up a large glob of milkshake to the tip and onto his finger before popping it into his mouth and licking it clean. He began repeating the same process over and over.

Rarity went cross-eyed, and her tongue slithered out from between her lips to hang in a comical expression. The moment his finger made contact with her horn her world had exploded into a dazzling array of lights and pleasure. She shivered, then drew in a deep breath and seemed to just hold it, almost as if her body had forgotten how to exhale. The sensation was something she’d never felt before, never expected to feel this good, this amazing. She’d been with her fair share of stallions. Had her horn handled, rubbed, stroked and even sucked on occasionally before, but THIS! This was beyond anything she knew. She let out the breath she’d been holding in a stuttering gasps and slurred, “Rarity good feel, happy time now, yessss!”

Twilight grinned, her friends reaction was confirmation of what she thought might happen if Anon directly interacted with a Unicorns horn. She knew Anon was magic neutral at best. In fact he was so un-magic he practically gave off a field that tended to interact oddly in the presence of the higher forms of magic itself, like say… a unicorns horn. It’s something she’d theorized might happen when she first noticed the effect he had on magic infused items, as well as the reactions to his touches from any pony he came in physical contact with. It was probably the reason all his touches, caresses and tickles felt far better than they should have to all of them. Every pony had at least some small spark of magic in them to react to it.

She could just imagine the kind of feedback loop Rarity’s magic center must be experiencing being directly touched, and how it was heightening and magnifying every sensation a thousand times over. Rarity’s pleasure centers of her brain were processing things at levels they were never meant to. Twilight was slightly worried about the possibility of some short term brain damage, and the likelihood of a narcotic like effect something like this might have on a Unicorn. Especially seeing as how much more magic they held than say, and earth pony or a Pegasus, but research sometimes means sacrifice. She watched Rarity drool on herself and then glanced under the table to see a steady stream of the fashion pony’s juices running down the booth seat to puddle under the table. Of course Unicorns could always get off on a horn job, but this was something way more. She was sure Celestia and Princess Luna would be very interested in her report. After all Alicorns not only had wings and horns to pleasure, but were some of the most magic infused beings in all of Equestria.

Anon continued to work his fingers up from the base to the tip scooping and wiping up glob after glob of the runny milkshake residue. Rarity just drooled and babbled nonsense, giggling and giddy and shaking so much he had to grab the base of her horn with his other hand to hold her still. He had just been popping his finger into his mouth, licking up the residue then running it back down the length of her horn again to get more. He was a bit curious though as to why it kept tasting more and more like marshmallow topping, and less like the strawberry flavor it should have been. It also seemed to be getting stickier and messier the more he tried to clean it. He was going to stop, having figured he’d gotten as much of it off as he thought he could when Fluttershy’s hoof shot out and stopped him.

“You’re not done yet,” She husked out and gave him an odd smile. “It’s still dirty Anon.” Fluttershy stared deep into his eyes and repeated the word, “Diiirrrtttyyy!” in a low drawled out way as she placed his hand back on Rarity’s horn. “In fact, umm, maybe you should lick it to make sure you are really really getting it clean. Go on Anon,… lick her horn… you KNOW you want to.”

“Geeze Fluttershy I don’t know, that’s seems a little, uhhh,” he paused and looked around suddenly feeling uncomfortable with the whole situation.

That’s when he noticed that every mare in the place was staring at him and what he was doing. Their mouths were open in shock and a lot of them also seemed to have a dreamy or wanton look in their eyes. He sat there with his hand wrapped around a shuddering Rarity’s horn, not sure what to do next. They all seemed to be waiting for him to make his next move though. Keeping an eye on them all he reached out again and very slowly drew his finger along the horn.
Rarity was a shambles by this point. All she could do was grunt and utter a barely recognizable babble that sounded a little like, “me likey horn touchy” and let out a stream of drool and a long “duhhhh”.

Anon didn’t pay much attention to her at the moment though since he was more interested in why everyone was suddenly focused on him. He had a suspicion it could have something to do with his helping Rarity with her problem though. He then moved his sticky finger up to his lips and noticed all of them seem to gasp in anticipation of what he was about to do. He paused and they all held their breaths waiting. He popped his finger into his mouth and again tasted the overpowering marshmallow flavor.

Gasps and little moans were heard from all over the shop. He heard an especially loud hissed out “YES! Bon Bon’s not gonna believe this!” come from a small mint green pony who had what appeared to be a cellphone out and pointed at him recording the whole event. One hoof worked her cell while the other was below her table doing something franticly, but he couldn’t see what. In fact most every mare in the place had their hooves down under their tables, including one stallion sitting near the carrot cake display in the corner. A very uneasy feeling came over him as he slowly looked back at the mares sitting with him in the booth. The sounds of what he could only describe as something like hooves being pulled out of thick mud, only to squishy squash back in again over and over was coming from under their table. That along with a steady rhythm of clop clop clop seemed to be coming from every table in the place now that he was listening for it. Twilight, Pinkie Pie and Applejack all stared intensely at him as he slowly stopped polishing Rarity’s horn and a look of slow realization came over him.

Evidently Fluttershy seemed to notice the change in Anon’s expression as the wheels of his mind slowly began to turn. Their hot monkey fun could come to an abrupt end if he finally realized what was going on. She couldn't have that, not till she'd had a turn at least. She quickly flew up and then landed off to the side of their table next to him and turned his head toward her with a very wet hoof . “Umm Anon, would it be alright if umm, I asked you a question?”

He thought her hoof smelled a little like lemon meringue pie for some reason, but wasn't really paying much attention to her or her words really. He seemed on the brink of having some kind of epiphany about PonyVille, and all the ponies in it, and as it formed in his mind it troubled him, but he wasn't sure why yet. He replied with a flat mumbled out, “Sure Fluttershy, what is it?”

Fluttershy smiled happily and held up one of the napkins she’d grabbed from the table. “Tell me Anon, Umm, Does this smell like chloroform to you?”

“Huh?”

Then blackness.

Author's Note

To those of you who stayed with me through this typo ridden grammatical hell of a story I thank you and hope you got some small enjoyment out of it. I'd like to thank those who generously offered to help with editing, even though I didn't take advantage of it for this draft like I should have. I just wanted to get this story out and be done with it. This was my first story and most likely my last. Now back to quietly lurking in the shadows for me. :)