It was a day like no other. We’ll let me tell you this now: I HATE BATS! After the day I had I just want to stay as far away from them as possible. *Sigh* Well let me start over and tell you why and while I’m at it I’ll give you a little bit of info about me. My name is Jester. I tend to be the cool and collected most of the time. Throughout my life I have been known to have a way with words, able to persuade others into doing what I want and antagonize them into a fit of rage. Although I hate getting my hoofs dirty and prefer the route of least opposition, causing some people to consider me as being lazy. Despite that nothing will stop me from getting what you want and if anypony tries, I will make them sorry that they ever did. I always know what to say to make someone mad and doing it provides me with unreasonable joy. I may be a bit of a loner but it’s just that you prefer my own company over others. I have a light green mane with a black coat along with yellow eyes and I am an earth pony. I tend to wear a hat (Not just because of work but because I like the hat I have.) I am a detective that works on thinks like unknown mysteries, solves crimes you know the works but that doesn’t mean I’m a good guy ether. Now to explain what happened that horrible, horrible day. I was working on some papers and if I remember right it was still early morning when I was doing that. I looked at the stacks of paper that I had to do. Ugh I hate doing paperwork but it is a rewarding job so I guess it’s worth it. I decided screw it I’m taking a break and so I got out of my chair and opened the door. I walked over to the break room to grab something to eat. I examined the fridge and nothing was there (They really should do something about this). I close the fridge and walked back into my work room closing the door behind me. Fortunately I brought my own food. Now I know what you’re thinking: What was the point of going into the break room if you already had your own food with you? Well the answer is simple: I don’t want to eat my own food unless I absolutely have to. This way I don’t have to waste my own food and to be honest I love seeing the look on their faces when they go hungry. That may be evil but still it’s my choice not yours so ah. Anyways back to what I was saying. I got my own food out and put it on the table. My favorite food boiled eggs. I grabbed my egg holders and put them on the table. I then put the eggs in the holders and counted them. There were six eggs and I just stared at them looking at them with amazement of the look and taste (Yes I have a weakness of eggs in case you were wondering). I then pealed one of them and swallowed it whole. Normally it would burn but in this case I’ve done this for years so this is nothing to me (Don’t try this trust me it will burn your lungs). I proceeded to do the same thing to the next egg and the next one after that. I think you know where this is going. At any rate after I finished the last egg, I threw the cracks into the trash and it was then Fancy walked in. To be honest I don’t like him but we are the same team so I just deal with it plus he’s no threat to me so I have nothing to worry about. He has a mask on so I don’t know what his eyes look like but he has a dark purple mane with a pale orange coat. He’s a earth pony like me but has that know it all attitude but the sad thing is he is smart so I will give him that.
“Jester, the boss has some work for you.” He said coldly.
“Work? I already have a shit ton of work as it is. What else could he possibly want? I asked annoyed.
He handed me a folder with a few objectives. I really didn’t want to do more but I honestly didn’t have a choice so I just nodded and as I did, he left. Well I don’t think things will get interesting until well, you know. Maybe I should try tricking somepony else do the work for me... Oh, before that... Looks like that mare’s melancholy caught up with me a bit. I can’t believe I’m getting so much work right before the big show... Oh boy... I shrugged off my hat and tossed it into the trash can in the corner of my desk. I examined the wall, then pressed a seemingly unimportant section of it. With a rumbling sound, the wall split in two. Behind the wall was a bathtub shaped like a apple. Hot water was already pouring from the shower head. I just can’t get used to it. This thing is hideous. Who thought this would be a good look for a bathtub? I really need to get this thing remodeled. I grabbed one of several bottles of bath powder from near the window and poured it despondently into the odd looking tub. I jumped into the tub and laid back. Ahhhh... Nothing like a nice hot bath... This bath power is wonderful. It’s scent-free, and it makes my coat feel so smooth! It’s wonderful. Hmmm… is it possible? Could this bath powder be the secret behind the twin’s beauty salon? Suddenly, something brushed up against my hoof. Huh? What’s that? Oh, that’s right! I totally forgot about the egg. Should be done boiling by now. I plucked the egg from my bathwater and cracked it open it on the side of the tub. Oh, this is perfect. Nothing like a fresh egg in the bath. I look over to the clock and realized that I relaxed a little too much. Looks like it’s time for me to get out and get to work. I got out of the tub and drained it out. After it drained out, I walked over to my closet and looked at my hats. Let’s see... Which one says “me” today? Ah! This one! Perfect! I grabbed my hat and put it on. It looked a bit crooked so I tilted it a little. As usual, this one fits me best. Now, I guess it’s time get going. It was then I noticed that Shadow Hoof was standing behind me.
“How long were you there?” I asked.
She didn’t respond as usually. I’ll admit it does make me nervous especially since she always wearing her coat so there for I can’t see her face or tell what she’s thinking. Anyways she teleported me to a forest. Huh, I thought I would see some Timberwolves or something at least. I thought I could do something interesting, but... I just don’t feel like it anymore. *Sigh* Well, maybe some other time.
“Hey hey! Over there! It’s green guy!” Shouted a random voice.
I froze in my tracks as I got surprised by that. As in slow motion, I saw a batpony leap though the air towards me.
“Now I got you!” She shouted.
“Hey! What are you doing?! Get off me! Y-You stink of blood.” I said trying to get her off me.
She didn’t listen and she keep smelling me.
“I will never let go!” She said still sniffing me.
“Ah! Come on, what are you doing?! Hey! I yelled as she was still smelling me.
“Just shut it, green guy! I don’t like it when my food talks back!” She said revealing her fangs.
Food!? Ah crap this could turn bad real quick. I tried to get her off but it was no use. She shank her fangs in me. Ouch! She continued to suck on me and it was becoming quite difficult to get her off.
“That hurts! A-Are you trying to eat me?!” I asked.
“Green guy, succumb to your destiny now! Now, everypony! Chaaaaaaaaaarhe!” She yelled ignoring my question.
“Yay!” Said the little batponies.
What?! Wh-Where did they come from?! No that wasn’t important. What was important was getting out of here before I become food. They contented to suck my blood out.
“Stop! Ahhh! Please, stop! H-Hey! Stop it!” I demanded.
Ok I’ve had enough. I didn’t want to do this but they leave me no choice. I powered up and said,
“I said knock it off, you stupid batponys!"
My brutal attack caught the older batpony right in the face sending her flying to a tree.
“Owwww! That hurt, mean guy!” She said rubbing her head.
Oh give mean a break! All I wanted to do was relax at the office but NOOOO I had to go here and deal with this crap.
“Wow, big sis, look at that! This one looks like he just lit up like a candle.” Said one of the little ones.
“He must be really mad! Are you mad? Are you?” Asked another batpony.
“Shut up! Shut up, you little monsters!” I yelled.
“Aw... You don’t have to be so mean... We just really, really, REALLY like you green man. Just the thought of you makes us want to suck you dry.” Said the older batpony.
Ok they are creeping me out. I needed to get out of here but how? Of course she’s not here so I couldn’t teleport out of here and I could outrun them so I believe my only way out is to fight my way through but again this is easier said than done. They walked closer and closer to me so time was running out.
“Don’t be such a party-pooper, green man. Come on, just let us at least nibble enthusiastically for a while.” The big batpony who was still walking towards me.
They leapt at me once again. Their eyes: twin orbs of burning red beneath their stare, their cheeks flushed, and their mouths dripping with saliva, they advanced towards me. The sheer force of their intent forced me to take a single step back.
“Gotcha.”
“Huh?!”
I had led myself be herded straight into Flash's trap.
“Flash?! What they hell are you doing?!” I asked surprised.
“You can’t weasel your way out of this one, Jester.” He said with a killing intent burning in his eyes.
A chill ran down my spine. Arg! You let your guard down just once, and this kind of shit happens.
“What are you planning on doing with me, you freak?!” I asked annoyed.
“Well I reckon I’ll kill you. There ain’t no way I’m going to let a critter like you do as you please now that I have found you. But before I do that, I just want to... smell ya.” He said coldly.
At first I thought he was kidding but then I look at his eyes and I could tell that he wasn’t kidding.
“...WHAT?!” I yelled.
Before I kill you- no, before you die- just let me smell you. I just want to smell ya until I satisfied.” He said looking at me.
“What the hell?! Ar- Are you completely insane?! Why can’t we just fight or something?! I thought you hated-“
I was interrupted with him smelling me.
“Can’t you wait until I’m finished talking?!” I asked angrily.
“Of course I hate you. I hate you so damn much, I’d sure love to beat the tar outta you right now, but... I just can’t seem to control this urge...” He said still sniffing me.
Ok he’s freaking me out. I tried to get him off me but in the current situation I’m in, there is no way I can’t get out due to the damn bats sucking out a lot of my blood thus my strength is non-existent. Owch! I had been so preoccupied with Flash that the other bats and the little ones had been able to sneak up on me and sink their teeth into my leg. AHHH! That hurts! This is ridiculous!
“Hmm, well, I can see you’re a little busy right now.”
That voice sounded all too familiar and I know who that was. She grinned at me, reaching down to pick up my hat, and set it back on my head.
“Sapphire...” I said worried.
“So, I’ve finally found you. And damned if you aren’t being served up to me on a silver platter... No, I don’t think I can pass up and opportunity like this...” She said showing her fangs.
I should also mention that she is also part bat as we as a unicorn so yea I’m in trouble. She showed promise of an uncaring death with those cold eyes.
“Ugh! This is the end for me, isn’t it” I asked a little scared.
“No, I don’t think killing you is really going to do it. No, death would be too good for you. After all you’ve done...” She said walking towards me.
“Wh-why are you walking toward me?! S-Stay away!” I demanded.
“I don’t want to get any closer to you ether , damn it! I just... I can’t stop it! My body’s moving on its own...” She said as she moved closer.
“Please, stop this nonsense! Back! Stay back! I hate Bats!” I yelled.
“Hate? Hah, just look around you. You’re surrounded by bats. I think you’re actually enjoying this, aren’t you? Hah! Thought you could pass yourself off as an innocent and seduce the lot of us...” She said with a smile.
What the hell is wrong with her?! How am I seducing anything or anypony for that matter?!
“The green man is seducing us! Purrvert…” Said the older bat.
“He sure is. Even I can barely resist him.” Flash said still smelling me.
“Shut up, all of you! No better yet, get off me!” I demanded.
Will somepony please tell me what in equestrian is going on here?! Is this some new form of harassment?! I mean really? I know I’m not pure of heart but isn’t this going a bit too far!?
“All right! Looks like it’s my turn now…” She said reveling her fangs.
“Wh-why are your fangs out?!” I asked.
“Just let me sharpen my fangs on your chest.” She said.
“Huh?” I asked confused.
“I said, I want to sharpen my fangs on your thin, frail chest until I’m completely satisfied.” She said lustfully.
“WHAT KIND OF FREAK ARE YOU?!” I asked still trying to escape.
“I don’t care what you think I am. I just... have to sharpen my fangs. I can’t stand the sight of you, but for some strange reason, I have to sharpen my fangs... ON YOU! I can’t control these urges any longer.” She said leaping on me.
I was on my back and my blood was continuing to be drain. My vision was fading and my strength was continuing to fall the long this was going on.
“Whoa! H-Hey! I told you to stay away!” I demanded. “S-Stay away from me, or... or...” I said sneezing.
Crap! My allergies are kicking in now. Now this is turn from bad to worse.
“Hmmm. Have to say, I kind of like the way your voice sounds right now... Are you crying? Is this the result or a suppressed fight-or-flight response constricting you airway?” She asked laughing at my pain.
“No, this is... *sneeze* *sneeze* I’m just allergic to- *sneezes*” I said struggling with words.
“Allergic to bats? Oh, an antigen-antibody reaction. You’re experiencing anaphylactic shock, huh?” She asked still smiling.
“Just stay where you are, all right?! You’re freaking me out!” I pleated.
“Oh, you look so damn scared... Your face looks like a balloon, and you’ve got some sort of liquid oozing out of just about every hold in it...Ahahah! This is wonderful! Suffer some more! He he he...” She said still sharping her hangs on me.
The other bats started to laugh as well. I don’t know what do. Every attempt I tried to escape as ended in failure. *Sigh* maybe it is my time... maybe Celestia had planned this and so maybe... just maybe I could die... Yea right like that’s going to happen.
“Hey, Little ones. You don’t need to hold back on this chump. Just go ahead and do whatever you want to him, all right?” Sapphire told them.
Oh crap. I was so occupied with my thoughts that I forgot that they were STILL TRYING TO KILL ME!
“Yaay! In that case… I can’t wait to suck the blood out of his face!” The little one said.
“H-Hey, kids! Don’t climb on me! Please! M-My nose is getting itchy…! *Sneeze* Sneeze*” I said sneezing.
It was then I saw Sapphire turn around with her eye’s wide in amazement. Out of nowhere, countless bats has suddenly appeared, making their way towards me. Well this is going to end well for me.
“Whoa! I didn’t think you guys would show up too!” The older bat pony still on me.
“I reckon this is about every bat in the Everfree Forest.” Flash stated.
What the hell is this!? *Sneeze*
“Your actions… no, your way of life, has lead you to this point. You have no pony to blame but yourself.” Sapphire said with a smirk.
There’s no way- *sneezes* I can’t get away from them now. Flash laughs as he looks at me.
“Looks like you’re about as helpless as a new born filly, aren’t you?” He asked.
“Curl up and die from your horrible allergies, and your journey to my stomach will be complete along with your body!” The older bat said coldly.
“No, let me sharpen my fangs. Then when I’m done...” Sapphire stopped herself from finishing her sentence.
“No, let me smell you.” Flash said.
“Then, when we’re all done with you...” Sapphire continued.
“I’ll finish you off!” Flash yelled.
I stepped back as they stepped closer. Hundreds of pairs of bat eyes turned to stare at me. Sweat drenched my body long with my blood coming from the holes that where bit into. And for a moment, I was blinding by despair.
“Hey, I’ve got an idea. How about this? We let go of him, and when he starts running, we all give chase him together. I’ll be like... a game of tag. The first one to catch him can do whatever they what with him. Whatever. They. Want. Play with him, hurt him, eat him, kill him... you name it.” Sapphire explained.
“WHAT?!” I yelled.
“Count me in!” The older bat said.
“W-Wait! *sneeze* A-All right, all right! I’ll fight you, OK? J-Just calm down-“I said still sneezing.
“Ok, we all let him go at the same time. One... Two...” Sapphire counted.
“Time out! TIME OUT!” I yelled stepping back.
“...Three! Here we go! Get Jester!” She yelled
P-Play tag?! There’s no way I can outrun them in my current state but I didn’t have a choice right now since my only way of escape unless she was watching. I proceeded to run with all my might but before long, I was caught by them. I lay under their mane, fangs and, there cries. It was then I realized that it was over for me but just as I thought I was out, Jade showed up right in front of me.
“It appears that you are in need of help.” He said with a smirk.
I didn’t like the fact he was just watching me suffer from these cursed bats.
“Please for that is all of holy, help me out and I do anything!” I pleaded.
He smiled.
“Anything?” He asked.
“YES ANYTHING! Now please help me out for the love of Celestia!” I said still pleading.
“He looked at the bats and stomped his hoof. As he did that, we teleported us back into my office. He walked to where the bath was and picked something up. He turned around and handed me the soup I used earlier.
“Read the label.” He said.
I read the label and it said “100% Love Batnip! The secret to smell great and getting the mare you want, Now available in your own home.” It was then I noticed a warning label that I did not notice before. It read “Caution: Use in moderation. Excessive amounts may cause uncontrollable courtship/aggressive behavior in bats.” I threw the soup away and he said,
“Now that that’s done, there’s still that favor you owe me.”
Ugh! I knew it wasn’t going to be good considering how he is. But something just hit me... How did he know about the soup unless... Oh that trickier son of a bitch.
“Wait a minute! You knew about this and yet you still let me go knowing the outcome!?” I asked angrily.
“Well it was a fascinating experiment I had to test. And who would it be easy to test on none other than you of course.” He said with a chuckle.
“You... bastard. You really are a freak.” I said.
He handed me a bunch of documents. I would rather have died then work on more papers. *Sigh* oh well I didn’t have a choice and I was in no position to fight back... that and I had no strength to fight anyways. I nodded and he left. And that is my story of why I hat bats. The moral of the story? LOOK ON THE BACK OF LABEL AND NOT TO FALL VICTIM THAT BASTARD! *Sigh* Well back to work for me.
