Mustaches, Misunderstandings, and Synonyms
He had finally done it. After all of these years, after all of the praying and hoping and dreaming, it had finally happened. It was a bit odd that it had happened overnight, but he didn’t care. He was in heaven.
Spike looked back into the bathroom mirror, just to savor it’s greatness. And great it was, lying across his lip in all of it’s glory.
Spike lightly stroked his nose neighbor, savoring it’s thickness, softness, and length. His soup strainer was a lime green in color, and a handlebar in style, the tips of the dirt squirrel curling to a rounded tip. He brought one finger to the tip of his face lace, taking care not to damage his flavor saver with his nail. Flicking it, the tip of the lip foliage bounced back and forth for a moment before coming to a stop. The cookie duster was perfect in every way, and was everything that the dragon could hope for.
The young drake stood up straight, gave the mirror one last glance, and walked out of the bathroom with a swagger in his step…
...before he tripped over nothing and promptly fell flat on his face. He grumbled, his irritated groan muffled from the crystal floor, and heard a motherly voice come from down the hall.
“Spike?” The voice called out. The sound of hooves clacking against crystal rang through the hallway, the sound growing louder and louder with every passing moment. “You’ve been in the bathroom for a while now. Are you al...right…?”
Spike turned his face, allowing him to view Twilight with one eye. She gazed down at him, looking concerned and confused.
“Um, Spike?” she began, raising an eyebrow. “What are you doing on the floor?”
Spike quickly pushed himself off the floor and onto his feet, brushed himself off, and coughed awkwardly.
“Oh, um, I just tripped coming out of the bathroom,” he said hurriedly. Twilight gave him a knowing look, and placed a hoof on his shoulder.
“You don’t have to be uncomfortable, Spike.” Twilight said, giving him a small smile. “I know what’s going on.”
“...Excuse me?” Spike responded, confused.
“Well…” Twilight began, “I’ve noticed that you’ve been spending a lot of time in the bathroom. And in your room. And Rainbow Dash told me that she saw you buying magazines from a shady looking market stall.”
Spike felt a cold hand clutch his heart. Twilight knew about his Mustache Weekly’s? But what was that about the bathroom and his room?
“I also found a bottle of...ahem, lubricant,” Twilight said with a cough, her cheeks beginning to redden,” under your bed.”
The cold hand pulled Spikes heart downwards. She knew about his Beard Lube too? Did she know about all of his facial hair related paraphernalia? What if she knew about his limited edition Daring Do Mustache Oil that he bought with the money he was supposed to use to buy quills?!
Spikes thoughts got darker. What if she made him shave his lip luggage? What was he going to do without his beautiful bristle batons?
He’d sooner die.
“Twilight, I can explain-” he said with a voice full of panic before Twilight raised a hoof.
“Spike, it’s okay.” Twilight said, her smile becoming stilted and uncomfortable. “Every, um....everydragon your age gets these kinds of urges, and it’s okay.”
That gave Spike pause. What’s she talking about?
“I suppose we should have the talk,” Twilight said with a sigh, her voice a bit shaky. “You see Spike, when mommy dragon and a daddy dragon love each other very much, um...the daddy dragon puts his-”
Understanding crashed into Spike’s brain with the force of freight train.
“Twilight, stop!” He shouted, waving his arms in front of himself wildly. “I already know this stuff!”
“Really?” Twilight said, tilting her head to the side. Spike nodded frantically, eliciting a huge sigh of relief from the alicorn.
“Oh, thank Celestia.” Twilight moaned as she slumped slightly. Her horn glowed for a moment, and a small flask was pulled out from under her wing. “Looks like I won’t be needing this…well…” She took a brief sip from the flask before levitating it back under her wing.
“So, um…” Twilight said awkwardly, kicking a hoof against the floor idly. “So you weren’t-”
“No.” Spike said flatly.
“...Have you-”
“No, Twilight.” Spike said with a bit more force. He wanted nothing more than for this conversation to be over so he could hit the streets of Ponyville and show off his fantastic misplaced eyebrow.
He brightened as he remembered the reason he had been in the bathroom for so long.
“So, Twilight,” he said, leaning in with his arms crossed behind him. “Notice anything different about me?”
Twilight sighed again, thankful for the change in subject. She looked him up and down, her hoof on her chin and her tongue poking out slightly.
“Did you get your spines straightened?” she guessed. Spike’s smile fell slightly, but he pressed on.
“No, guess again.” he said, his excitement over his grass grin having yet to die down.
“Did you whiten your teeth?”
“What? No.”
Twilight rubbed her chin, and squinted in concentration as she looked Spike over. Finally, she stomped one hoof to the ground and pointed another at Spike, realization dawning on her.
“I’ve got it!” she exclaimed, her eyes wide and a smile gracing her muzzle. Spike smiled in kind, excited that he was finally going to get recognition for his amazing crumb catcher.
“You took a shower!” Twilight said victoriously.
Spike’s left eye twitched, and he would have brought a hand to his own face if not for the risk of damaging his smoke filter.
“No!” He yelled, gesticulating towards his face with both hands. “I’m talking about my duster!”
“Your what now?” Twilight asked, furrowing her brow.
“My handlebars! My manometer! My lady tickler!”
Twilight blinked. She then shook her head, and looked down at her dragon friend.
“I have no idea what any of the things you’ve just said are supposed to mean,” she said honestly. “...and what was that one bit about tickling ladies?”
Spike rubbed both of his temples and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths in an attempt to control his frustration. He took his claws away from his head and pointed directly at his fellowcrow. Twilight’s face brightened.
“Oh!” Twilight said happily. “You found Fluttershy’s caterpillar! I’ve been looking for it everywhere!” Her horn lit up, and Spike saw his ‘mustache’ being pulled away in a lavender glow.
“Bu...but...my…” Spike said in utter horror, holding one hand out to his former mouth brow. It turned in the air, displaying its many stumpy legs and it's tiny face. One of the legs waved him goodbye as Twilight turned a corner in the hallway, both her and the caterpillar leaving the distraught dragon’s sight.
Spike didn’t hear Twilight call out a quick 'thanks' as he fell to his hands and knees on the floor. He lifted his arms to the heavens and straightened his back as he let out the cry of a broken man.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
