Pink and Yellow Isn't My Color

Pink and Yellow Isn't My Color

I was back home, in the old college dormitories I'd spent so many of my happier years. A sense of déjà vu hit me as I walked down the halls, a familiar tune playing from one of the other dorms as I found myself settling into some of my older habits. My keys jingling as I threw them obnoxiously about in the air, my lips whistling a little tune as stepped inside my dorm.

"Sweetie you here?"

I set the keys down in the bowl by the door, my whistling coming to a stop as I started to grow worried.

"Sweetie?"

I rounded the corner and found her sitting on the couch. Her hands covering her face as she shook gently with what I realized were quiet sobs.

"Snow?" I breathed, my hands shaking as my earlier sense of déjà vu morphed into recognition. The phone on the table, the song playing down the hall, her on the couch crying with a torn up letter on the floor... I remembered it all.

Numbly I sat down next to her, my body moving on autopilot as I put a hand on her shoulder before wrapping my an arm around her for both her sake and mine.

I thought I was past all of this. That I'd come to terms with it but as I was booted out of my body and forced to watch the memory unfold before me I found out just how wrong I was.

"Whats wrong?" I asked. My body moving its own accord as it leaned down to gently kiss her cheek.

That's when she threw herself at me, shaking uncontrollably as the tears streamed down her face and onto my chest. Her sobbing escalating into full blown wailing.

"I... I have cancer..."

The silence was palpable. I screamed inside my head, anger sparking at whatever cruel deity was forcing me to go through this again. I punched, kicked, and tried to claw my way out but when I was suddenly given control of my body I stopped. My anger fading almost immediately with her in my arms. Her warmth, her soul soothing me. With a shaky sigh I pulled her in close, savoring the smell of lilies that always accompanied her.

"I... It's so unfair." She sobbed. "I was a good girl. I lived the way god and my parents wanted me to. I didn't do drugs, didn't drink alcohol, or I smoke but I still..."

Her grip on me grew tighter. "Why is god Punishing me Chris? Why is he taking you away from me?"

I held back a choked sob. "I don't know Snow..."

"Why can't I stay with you... You're all that I want... All that I'd ever want.... Why can't I at least have that?"

My jaw tightened and I desperately kept my eyes shut. Cursing under my breath as I kept the tears at bay. My arm tightening protectively around her as I composed myself.

"You have me Snow... You'll have me for as long as you want me Snow. I promise you that."

I kissed the top of her head.

"I'm yours forever."

When I opened my eyes again I was at the bar. The old run down Millers Bar with a shotgun hanging over its door and the cheapest booze in the city.

Snow was there too. A multitude of bottles scattered about her as the bartender watched on disinterestedly, a rag in one hand as he wiped down the counters.

I stepped forward. "Snow let's go home." I quietly whispered, placing a hand on her shoulder.

She shrugged me off before I could move to wrap my arm around her however. Grumbling Snow pressed her head down onto the counter.

"Fuck off Chris."

I flinched in shock but tried my best to hide it. I needed to be strong for her right now. I couldn't afford to be all sensitive.

Steeling myself I placed my hand on her shoulder once again and tried gently tugging.

"Let's go Snow... This stuff isn't good for you."

But this time... She exploded.

"FUCK OFF CHRIS!" She screamed with an angry swipe of her arm.

When she lifted her head off the table I could see just how had she really was. "You aren't the one with cancer! You aren't the one who's going to be dying in less than five months!"

"Snow.." I tried interjecting.

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" Snow sobbed.

Channeling her grief she threw her keys at me. "I lived my life perfectly! I followed the book and I was the nice girl and look at where that got me!"

The keys stung, and they'd left a cut on my cheek but I barely noticed. She was hurting more than me and I needed to stay strong and focused.

"And will doing the opposite help?" I asked as I sat down on a nearby stool.

Snow finally seemed to calm down. Her breathing evening out as she seemed to regain her faculties but that didn't mean what came next hurt any less.

"Maybe. Maybe not." She admitted. "But maybe if I live the rest of my life acting like the drunken asshole you used to be I might actually feel like I deserve this."

I had to bite the inside of my cheek hard to keep my facial expression in check.

"Snow..." I pleaded. "If it weren't for you I'd still be that guy so please..."

I stood up and this time she didn't stop me when I placed a hand on her shoulder before hugging her close and tight.

"Let me help you.... This isn't you."

Tears streaming down her cheeks she burrowed her head into my shoulder.

"Damn you Chris..." She sobbed. "Why can't I let go of you?"

It was a long uncomfortable moment before I decided it was worth the risk.

"Because I won't let you?" I tentatively and cheekily replied.

"Screw you Chris." She laughed weakly before pulling back. Upon seeing the cut on my cheek however she whimpered.

"I'm so sorry..."

"Did you mean it?" I asked seriously.

She shook her head no.

"I forgive you then." I said with a smile.

She sniffled but managed to smile as well.

***

"SNOW? SNOW WAKE UP!"

We were taking the bus back when there was a terrible accident.

"SNOW PLEASE WAKE UP!"

I'd been hurt badly, my arm dangled uselessly at my side as I tried pulling her out of the wreckage.

"Somebody help!"

All around me sirens blared, lights flashed, and people watched with horrified expressions from the sidelines. But nobody helped.

"SOMEBODY HELP HER DAMN IT!"

"Chris..."

Her voice was weak but it was there. It didn't sound good but at least it was still there.

I wrapped my hands around hers immediately. "I'm here Snow!" I laughed in relief. "I'm here!"

Reaching out to gently stroke my cheek she whispered. "I'm so sorry Chris...."

My heart dropped. "Don't be!" I said with a forced smile. "You don't need to be sorry! Everything will be fine you'll see!"

She didn't hear me however. " I've wasted what precious little time we had left." She finished sadly.

"No you didn't! No you didn't Snow!" I pleaded.

Her eyes got a distant look. "Can you kiss me Chris? Please?" Snow asked with that cute little smile of hers.

I felt a lump rise up in my throat and I nodded. With tears streaming down our faces we shared our final kiss, her hands falling limp in my own long before I was ready to let her go.

"I'm sorry...." I cried. "I'm so sorry I couldn't save you..."

The memory faded and I found myself holding onto nothing in a bleak and empty void.

Grief quickly turned to rage and I directed it towards myself.

"All she wanted was to be with you and yet you couldn't even provide that for her." I growled.

"I tried so hard to deny it. Tried so hard to deny the fact that I was a selfish prick for her sake but all I ended up doing was hurting her."

I screamed. "She died hurting because she CARED ABOUT ME!"

I finally snapped. I sobbed pitifully as I rolled up into a ball in the cold endless void. The darkness swirling around me as I fell deeper and deeper into despair.

"Please let me wake up from this nightmare..." I whimpered.

"FLUTTERSHY WAKE UP!"

I woke with a gasp. My hoof covering my pounding heart as Applejack stepped away to give me some breathing space.

"Ya alright Fluttershy?" She asked.

The dream was still clear in my head, and the darkness surrounding me was ominous at best. My mane was a mess, my eyes bloodshot and tears soaked my cheeks but the worst of it all was the shaking. I couldn't stop the shaking and Applejack was starting to notice.

"Fluttershy?..."

Her hoof touch was tentative, and it was gentle but nevertheless I flinched as if I'd been physically slapped. Scrambling away from her with a terrified yelp as my hoof shot out and connected with a solid thwack.

Applejack's eyes were wide when she fell back on her haunches. An angry red hoof mark adorning the side of her muzzle.

"Applejack?" I asked disbelievingly.

Applejack didn't respond. She quietly continued to nurse her cheek almost absentmindedly as she looked everywhere but at me.

I fell back on my haunches as well. "I'm... I am so sorry Applejack."

She didn't say anything for the longest time and I started to grow worried. Just as I started apologizing  again however she cut me off.

I closed my eyes in regret when she stood, her hat pulled low over her eyes as she slowly but surely made her way towards me. Her hoof steps were slow and deliberate, the hat shadowed her expression and when she lifted her hoof up I couldn't help but sigh with a guilty whimper.

I do deserve it I thought.

I gasped in shock when Applejack pulled me in for a hug instead.

"I forgive ya Fluttershy." She whispered soothingly as she patted me on the back.

I tried pulling back, abject horror etched upon my face. "I just... I just HIT YOU!" She shouldn't be comforting me I should be comforting her!

"Did you mean it?" Applejack asked in a commanding tone.

I flinched. "No of course not but that doesn't mean-"

She didn't even let me finish.

"I forgive you then." She said with a tone of finality as she pulled off her hat and placed it comfortingly on me. It's brim covering my wide watering eyes as my own words were used against me.

Confound these ponies for playing with my emotions.

Pinkie Pie burst into the room with a a bounce in her step.

"Hey Applejack! Is Fluttershy-"

Pinkie stopped in midair and her cheerful mood dissipated almost immediately. I tried my best to hide the sniffling at least but when I saw her ears twitch ever so slightly I remembered that pony ears hear more than human ears.

Stepping up to Applejack's side she leaned in close. "What's wrong?" Pinkie Pie whispered.

Applejack sighed sadly. "I don't know but she was crying her sleep."

Pinkie stepped in close, her muzzle pressed uncomfortably up to mine as she gazed at me under the hat.

"What's wrong Fluttershy?" She asked with a worried tilt of her head.

It was a surprisingly blunt and simple question. One that caught me off guard.

My girlfriend died in my arms and I'm not who you are for starters I thought.

"I.. I don't know.." I lied instead. The poorly concealed lie blatant to everyone in the room.

Applejack looked annoyed and was about to say something when Pinkie Pie stopped her. A hoof shoved in her friend's mouth accomplishing just that.

Solemnly shaking her head no she pulled her hoof out of a shocked Applejack's mouth.

"What in tarnation-" Applejack started angrily.

Only for the hoof to go right back in.

Ignoring her muffled friend Pinkie turned to me and smiled cheerfully.

"It's alright Fluttershy." She giggled.

Waving with her unoccupied hoof she continued. "You can tell us when you're ready okay?"

Leading the indignant Applejack out of the room she closed the door behind her with a swift kick of her back hoof.

I blinked owlishly once, then twice.

"Ok..." I said to no one in particular.