Bad Bedtime Stories

by a guy with many hats

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark, Comedy, Random, Crossover, Human
Length: 1382

Screwed up bedtime stories told to foals across Equestria told by a crazy man.

Screwed up bedtime stories told to foals across Equestria told by a crazy man.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-15 21:00:02 UTC

So that's why he's quiet....

I looked around the foal's room. "Aw...it's nice in here." I walked in and put my hands on my hips. "Really clean, still earthy." I turned and found Big Mac snuggled up under his blanket, staring at me. "Hey Mac, ready for a story?"

The bright red foal hid behind his blanket. "Yep...."

I bit my lip. "God damn I love this kid." I walked over to his bed and knelt down. "Alright...how about a story about--"

"Superfilly!"

I snapped my head towards the ginger fuck. "...Bitch...did I say you could talk?" I was utterly calm, devoid of emotion.

Big Mac hid his mouth behind his blanket. "...Mr Hat, what's a b--itch?"

I bit my lip. "It's another word for a pony."

Big Mac peeked his muzzle out of his sheets. "Like...like mare, or stallion?"

I stared at the little colt. "Kid...do you want a fucking story or not?"

Mac nodded. "Yes...story please."

I cleared my throat. "Alright, I got one about this thing called Ebola--"

Mac coughed softly. "What's an Ebola?"

I leaned over Mac, staring down on him, pushing him into his sheets with my eyes. "Bitch...you talk to much."

Mac just stared at me, eyes half closed. "Sorry--"

"You should be. Now, I guess Ebola isn't really something for somepony this young. We'll start with something called--"

"Blue flu?"

I turned back to Mac, the red colt getting more attention than I'd planned to give him. "Sure, but if you keep interrupting me someone's going to meet a leper...." I rubbed his head. "You wanna meet a leper? Give them a big old hug?"

Mac started to smile, his eyes jammed shut as I ruffled his soft mane. "Yay--"

"No!" I pulled my hand away. "No...leper ponies don't get hugs. Leper ponies give permanent hugs, when their hooves--" I stopped myself and coughed into my fist. "Alright, I know a story."

"Once upon a time there was a pony who gave hugs to every creature on earth! She liked to hug them, and squeeze them, and spend time with them all! And when she left, every creature she hugged would start to itch and scratch their bottoms." Mac just kept smiling as I hung my hands over him. "And when she moved on to hug new people she had foals! Adopted, abandoned foals--"

"She had babies?"

"Orphan ponies!" I clarified, pushing Mac back into his pillow.

Mac smiled wide. "She took orphan ponies home?"

"Sure, uhh.... And when she left each town a doctor would follow. He'd go all around town and study ponies, looking up ways to help them!" I cleared my throat. "And that pony...that pony who traveled everywhere, hugged every pony, that was your granny." I reached over and rubbed his belly. "Your granny was always so nice to everypony, everything she met."

Mac lit up, quietly nuzzling my hand. "Yay...."

"Super yay! I even saw her hug a diamond dog! Or...I guess the dog was hugging her, but you know how it is, right?" I pulled my hand away. "Anyways...one day she stopped hugging ponies, and decided to only hug one pony! Grandad Apple!" I laid my hand on Big Mac's head. "He actually looked a lot like you! Big...red....uh.... Your granny hasn't tried to hug you, has she?"

Mac frowned and cocked his head. "What? Granny hugs me all the time!"

"Oh god no!" I grabbed my heart, pulling hard at my chest. "Uh, I uh.... Anyways. One day after a lot of hugging-- I mean...it was a lot of hugging. I was there, I saw the whole thing and holy crap that hugging was fucking intense! Uh... so after a lot of hugging, a new pony was born."

Big Mac raised his hoof, his clean white sheet fluttering back down across his barrel as she settled back. "Mr. Hat, where do foals come from?"

"Hugging.... Lots of hugging. Lots of different kind of hugs, and sometimes if you're not careful and you don't hug with a rubber glove you can accidentally make a foal." I cleared my throat. "Like your granny...hugging all over the place, starting a town with all her damn hug babies...." I crossed my arms. "Your great grandpony was the worst...he hugged everywhere. Used to get mouth hugs out in public."

Mac raised his hoof again. "What's a mouth hug?"

"A blowjob."

"Oh...." Mac raised his hoof again. "What's a blowjob?"

I stared at Mac. "Seriously kid...talk less, like...forever." I cleared my throat. "So after a lot of hugging your granny had a foal! And that foal grew up and hugged another foal! Mare...mare foal-- filly, grown up filly. So when those two fillies-- ponies hugged, they made you!" I clapped my hands together. "And that's how Ponyville was made! Lots of your hug whoring grandmother!"

Mac stared at me, confused expression pulled over his face. "I don't get it--"

"Hmm." I ducked down next to his bed. "Uh, your grandma-- hell, all your ancestors were a bunch of horny hug sharing ponies that populated most of Ponyville. It's amazing incest isn't running rampant with you fuckers hugging each other like you do." I rubbed my head. "Now for a spooky story!"

Mac frowned hard. "I don't want a spook--"

"Then you shouldn't have talked!" I ducked down next to him. "In the future you're going to meet a pony like me! So, not really a pony, but you people suck at grammar."

Mac blinked at me. "Wh--"

"Mac, seriously, shut the fuck up!" I put my hand on his face. "Let me tell my story! Every time you interrupt me your penis shrinks a little bit!"

"No!" Mac's face was drawn up into something horrid, his hooves darting down under his covers. "No!"

"Then don't interrupt me. Every time you stay quiet your penis grows an inch."

Mac looked up at me. "What's an inch?"

I rubbed my temples. "Mac, seriously...it's gonna be a shame when you try to hug-- Anyways! One day, you're going to meet someone like me! Except, she's going to be brown! OoooooOOoooo!" I made spooky fingers over the young pony. "And Tunisian! Oooooo! And foreign!"

"Is she nice?"

I scratched my head. "Uh...considering her people seem to blow up on contact, sure--"

"No!" Mac jumped up. "Explosions?"

"Uh.... Sure." I scratched my head. "Anyways. You'll meet his girl, and you will fall for her! Because I know you Mac...I know you.... You like tan fillies, don't ya! You dirty hugging bastard!" I glared down at the five year old pony. "Giving all the fillies mouth hugs...dirty little--"

"I showered today!"

"Shower all you want Big Mac, you won't recover any of your penis if you keep fucking talking over me!" I jumped up and threw my hands out. "Say something! Go ahead!"

Big Mac frowned hard, his upper lip digging under his lower. "Nope...."

I slowly lowered my arms. "But you'll give this girl an apple. And she'll give you a hug...then another.... Then a really messy hug will follow, and then you'll get a foal of your own!"

Mac smiled and started to open his mouth. "I--"

"Tiny penis Mac, tiny Penis! And nopony wants to hug somepony with a small penis!" I crossed my arms. "You wanna get hugs, right?"

Mac nodded slowly, a heavy frown on his face. "Yep...."

"Then you stay quiet, and you'll grow up strong. And everypony likes a strong stallion. The girl will like strong stallions too." I stood up and brushed my hands off. "So, you don't talk, everypony is gonna wanna hug you! And you'll have so many ponies trying to hug you, you'll be fighting them off with your...uh...stick."

Mac smiled at me. "Yay?"

I sighed loudly. "Sure, yay." I scratched the back of my head. "Was that a good story?"

Mac nodded slowly. "Yep."

I smiled down at the orange haired foal. "God I love this kid. You want a hug? Like an actual hug? Not that crap I've been making up."

Mac peeked out of his blankets. "But you said that's how foals are made."

I snickered softly. "Kid, you can't make a foal by hugging a colt. That just makes you a gay horse." I reached down and patted the young colt. "Silly gay horse."