Abandon all hope, ye who click this chapter link
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Abandon all hope, ye who click this chapter link
Twilight Sparkle sustained her most winning smile as she waited outside Carousel Boutique for somepony to answer her knock. She used her magic to telekinetically feel around inside her saddlebag for the item she had placed there earlier, even though she triple checked it before leaving the castle. The door opened and Rarity, dressed in her robe and pink fuzzy slippers, came out to greet her visitor.
“Good morning, Rarity,” said Twilight.
“Good morning, Twilight,” said Rarity, followed by a yawn. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit on this sleepiest of Sundays?” Rarity took a sip from her levitated coffee mug as she gave Twilight a chance to answer her.
“I have a question for you. Are you currently menstruating?”
Rarity’s pupils narrowed in shock. She dropped her mug and spat her coffee out on the ground.
“I beg your pardon?” she blurted.
“Are you curren-”
“I heard what you said the first time, Twilight, although I wish I hadn’t.” Rarity’s brow lowered over her blue eyes as she glared at her friend. “I was simply being a lady by giving you the opportunity to excuse yourself for asking such an offensive question.”
“Offensive? Menstruation is just a natural biological occurrence. Biology is science. And science is not offensive. Therefore, menstruation is not offensive.”
“It is when it’s being openly discussed on my doorstep at eight AM. Good day!” Rarity stepped back inside her home and slammed the door in Twilight’s face.
“So are you saying I should ask you again later in the day?” asked Twilight, raising her voice in order to be heard through the door. She received no reply. She sighed and went on her way to find another friend who was both willing and able to help her.
Twilight knocked on the door to Fluttershy’s cottage.
“Good morning, Fluttershy,” said Twilight.
“Oh, good morning, Twilight,” said Fluttershy. “What brings you to my cottage? Did we have an appointment? Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry for missing it. It must have slipped my mind. Please forgive me.”
“It’s okay, Fluttershy. We didn’t have an appointment.”
“Oh, what a relief.”
“I don’t mean to be offensive... but are you menstruating?”
Fluttershy squealed with fear and slammed the door shut.
Two attempts, two doors slammed in my face, thought Twilight. Logically, if I ask somepony this question while they’re outside, that can’t happen.
Twilight flew over Ponyville, searching for one of her other best friends. She spotted Pinkie Pie leaving Sugarcube Corner and quickly landed in front of her.
“Hi, Twilight,” said Pinkie Pie.
“Hi, Pinkie Pie,” said Twilight. “I have a question which you might find offensive... and maybe even scary... so please don’t overreact.”
“Yeeeees?”
“Are you mmmmm....”
Halfway through asking Pinkie Pie the question, Twilight hesitated and reconsidered. Dealing with the party pony had its drawbacks, especially where scientific research was involved. And if anypony could slam a door in Twilight’s face while outdoors, it was Pinkie Pie.
“Am I mmmmm?” asked Pinkie with a grin and a head tilt of curiosity. “Am I mmmmm what? Am I mmmmmarried? Pfft! Don’t be silly, filly! I’m not married. I’m a bachelorette. Why, I’ve never even been in a long term relationship.” Pinkie’s grin went away as she contemplated the matter futher. “Huh. Come to think of it, I’ve never even been in a short term relationship. I’ve never even gone steady.” Her ears drooped. “I’ve never been kissed... or asked out on a date... or turned a head... or even gotten a lousy Hearts and Hooves Day card from a secret admirer.” Her eyes grew wide and she pouted. “And I know why, too. It’s because I’m fat.” She sat up, spread her forelegs out side to side and wiggled her hips. “Just look at me. I’m a jiggly, bloated mess. I eat so many sweets because I’m subconsciously trying to fill the void that would be occupied by the sweet love that comes with the wedded bliss that I would have if I wasn’t such an unattractive, swollen cow! No offense, Daisy Jo.”
“Up yours, Pinkie,” said Daisy Jo calmly as she walked by.
“That’s Daisy Jo; she’s a cow friend of mine that I just offended with my careless bigoted comment.” Pinkie reached inside her mane and extracted a large dark chocolate candy bar that required using both hooves in order to hold. She took a huge bite and chewed. “And to top it all off, I’m on my period! My love life is just one big suckfest!” She reared her head back and started to bawl as she chewed, spewing globs of melted chocolate everywhere in the process.
Twilight gasped. The level of depression that Pinkie was exhibiting made her the ideal candidate for her experiment.
“Oh, my gosh!” exclaimed Twilight. “Pinkie! You’re just the pony that I’ve been looking for!”
Pinkie sniffled and swallowed the mouthful of chocolate.
“Do you really mean it?” asked Pinkie.
“Yes, I do.” Twilight smiled and placed her right forehoof on Pinkie’s left shoulder. “You’re perfect!”
“Oh, Twilight...” Pinkie tossed the candy bar away haphazardly – which resulted in the sound of a cat screeching in pain. Pinkie sighed and gazed lovingly into Twilight’s eyes. “Y’know, I used to have a massive girl crush on you that bordered on romantic feelings once upon a time but I decided to take my first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh therapist’s advice and put it behind me because you never picked up on any of my signals. Oh, who would have guessed that my streak of bad luck with stallions over the years was all so that you could fall in love with me today?”
“Huh?”
Pinkie inhaled deeply and exhaled. She crossed her forelegs behind Twilight’s neck and rubbed noses with her.
“Twilight, I’m willing to give love that basically amounts to an unrelenting obsession with you that may or may not end with one or both of us lying dead in a ditch somewhere another chance. But don’t worry; no matter where this goes and no matter what happens, let’s make a promise to stay friends, okay? Now then, I think we should take this nice and slow. How about dinner and a movie and then back to my place for a few Haygermeister shots, hm? Then maybe you could join me in a warm and relaxing bubble bath and I could throw in a backrub for good measure?”
“Ohhhhh, my dearrrrr sweet Celestia...” Twilight slowly unwrapped Pinkie’s forelegs from around her neck. “That... was not what I meant by... Heh heh heh!” She slowly walked backwards, making sure to maintain her maniac-appeasing smile as she put some distance between herself and Pinkie. “Not that I’m not extremely frightened... flattered!... by your offer... but this has been a simple misunderstanding. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go... ahh... yeah. Bye!” Twilight spread her wings and took to the air with the speed of an eagle.
“Soooooo... you’re playing hard to get, huh?” asked Pinkie as she frowned at the point in the sky where Twilight disappeared from sight. “Well, just you wait, Twilight Sparkle. You’re about to learn that when it comes to the game of love, Pinkie Doesn’t-Play-Fair-At-All Pie doesn’t play fair – at all!”
Twilight knocked on the door to the Apple family house, hoping to find Applejack at home and in need of what she had to offer. She was pleased to see that it was Applejack herself who answered the door.
“Hi, Applejack,” said Twilight.
“Howdy, Twi,” said Applejack. “C’mon in.” Twilight celebrated the invitation silently as she passed through the doorway unslammed.
“Applejack, I have a question for you which you might find offensive,” said Twilight. “You may also find it scary so please don’t overreact... and for Celestia’s sake, do not take it as me hitting on you. Here it is: Are you on your period?”
“Yep. Can’t buck apples worth a squat this time of the month so ah’m takin’ a trip up ta the Apple family log cabin up in the mountains ta kick back fer a few days. It’s about the only time ah take fer mahself. Ah was just doin’ some packin’ before ya knocked on the door.”
Twilight smiled.
“How fortuitous!” she yelped.
“Why would mah period be... that word ya just said?”
Twilight opened her saddlebag enthusiastically and levitated a small white cylindrical object from it.
“Because I have created the perfect tampon,” she said, “and I want you to be my first test subject!”
“Uh, Twi? Ah hate ta break it to ya but that’s a Tandempax brand tampon.” Applejack pointed at it. “It says so right there on the wrapper. It’s already been invented, trademarked, and mass produced.”
“I never said that I made it from scratch. My contribution to its design is a magical one. I’ve enchanted it.”
Applejack blinked and grinned gently at her friend.
“Good bye, Twilight,” she said calmly.
“What?” asked Twilight. “But I’m not finished!”
“Yes, you are,” insisted Applejack. “Good bye, Twilight.” Applejack lowered her head and pushed Twilight across the room toward the front door. Twilight kept her hooves planted firmly on the floor but she was no match for the hardy earth pony’s strength. When they reached the doorway, Twilight spread her wings to keep from being pushed out any farther.
“At least let me tell you what it does before you kick me out. Please?”
Applejack stopped moving and lifted her head.
“All right, ah’ll hear ya out... but if ah don’t like what ah’m hearin’, you’ll take yer magical tampon an’ skedaddle. Deal?
“Deal.”
“Now, then – what makes your enchanted tampon so special?”
“It talks.”
Applejack stared at Twilight blankly and raised an eyebrow.
“It... talks?” she asked.
“It talks,” repeated Twilight.
“What does it-” Applejack shook her head rapidly. “No! Ah ain’t gettin’ roped inta this; not after what happened the last time ah agreed ta be yer guinea pig.” Applejack lowered her head and pushed Twilight toward the front door again. “Ah don’t like what it does so now you have ta go.”
“Oh, come onnnnnnnnn, AJ! This is perfectly safe! I promise!” Twilight wings stretched as they held on to the doorway.
“Then why don’tcha use it on yerself?”
“Because my period just ended and I don’t want to wait another month for results! Y-You can’t kick me out like this!”
“And why not?”
“Because... I... Because I’m a princess!”
Applejack stopped her forward motion and allowed Twilight to slingshot her back into the house. She landed on her hooves and skidded to a halt.
“Seriously?” she asked. “You’re really gonna play the princess card on one o’ yer best friends fer this?... Yer Highness?”
“You’ve forced my hoof – so yes, I am.” Twilight inspected her wings to verify that they weren’t badly damaged. “As the Princess of Friendship, I am ordering you as a loyal citizen of Ponyville to sit down and listen to me... but that’s all. The decision to help me is still yours to make.”
“Dagnabbit. All right, fine... but ah’ll have you know that ah’m writin’ a strong letter to mah congresspony.”
Twilight cleared her throat.
“I’m sure you’re familiar with the unpleasant behavior associated with PMS,” she said. “Behavior which includes irritability and mood swings. While the Twipax brand tampon... patent pending... does not remove the physical discomfort of your period, it lessens the psychological impact by providing delightful conversation and reassuring words designed to reduce stress and comfort its wearer. Misery shared is misery halved and for those who can’t or prefer not to share their menstrual misery with a friend, the Twipax tampon actually welcomes this kind of talk. It’ll be there for you when everypony else is sick of hearing you complain.”
“It can hold a conversation?” asked Applejack.
“Yes.”
“You’ve invented an intelligent tampon that wants ta hear me bitch and moan about how crappy ah’m feelin’?”
“Yes!” Twilight beamed proudly.
Applejack’s mouth stayed open, unsure about how to feel about this.
“You’re crazy,” she said.
“Crazy like a fox,” corrected Twilight. “And if this takes off the way I think it will, I’ll be a very rich fox.”
“Don’tcha get an allowance as princess?”
“Well, yes, I do... but I always feel guilty about spending any of that money because I didn’t earn it. I only buy necessities with it. If sales for Twipax tampons take off, I’ll have enough money for luxuries.”
“Such as?”
“Books. Also, books.... and more books. And did I mention books?”
“But Twilight, ah’m surprised that you would accept money fer this invention o’ yours.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s blood money.”
Applejack and Twilight looked at one another unflinchingly.
“You know that I’m required by law to hit you for that bad joke, don’t you?” asked Twilight.
“Yeah, ah know,” replied Applejack.
Twilight flew behind Applejack and swatted her sharply on the backside with her right wing. The farmpony winced and rubbed her stinging posterior.
“Jumpin’ katydids, Twi!” barked Applejack as she frowned at her alicorn friend. “It’s always the rump with you, ya know that?”
“It is not,” denied Twilight.
“It is so. Would it kill ya ta sock me in the shoulder once in a while?”
“Okay, fine, just remind me next time.”
“An’ how’re ya supposed ta hear the danged thing talk when it’s up inside yer baby stable?”
“That’s where the special magic comes in. You don’t hear a Twipax with your ears. You hear it with your mind so only the wearer hears it.”
“Oh. Good. Ah suppose it’d be a might embarrassin’ fer it ta malfunction an’ start cussin’ or screamin’ in the middle o’ the marketplace.”
“It’s designed to automatically customize itself to suit each individual mare’s needs so it won’t have an annoying voice or an overbearing personality... unless that’s what comforts you the most.”
“Don’t worry; it ain’t.”
“So you’ll try it?”
Applejack sighed.
“It ain’t gonna explode or nothin’?” she asked.
“I promise you it won’t explode. All it’s supposed to do is cheer you up and lend a sympathetic ear. It won’t even argue with you because it’s completely incapable of contradicting or upsetting you. You could even yell at it and it won’t yell back at you.”
“How does it work?”
“It activates when you insert it. Once you remove it, the spell is broken and it deactivates permanently. So make sure you’ve had your conversations with it before taking it out.”
“Do ya want it back when ah’m done with it?”
“EWWWWW! No! Why would I want your nasty used tampon?”
“Well, ah don’t know, ah figured ya might need ta study it or somethin’.”
“I’ve got the spell memorized. This is just a prototype. I don’t need it back to make another. Just give me your review when you get back from your vajayjay vaycay.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“‘Do I want it back when you’re done with it’,” recounted Twilight. “So gross.”
“Ah was just askiiin’! Sheesh!”
Applejack closed the outhouse door and walked back to the cabin. The Twipax was now in place but she heard no voice and she felt no different. It was possible that she had to address it first in order to make it work. Just in case a pegasus happened to be flying by, she decided to wait until she was indoors. She entered the cabin and, after locking the door behind her, she lay on the couch.
“Well, ah’d better get this over with,” she said. “Uhhh... Hello?”
“Howdy, Applejack,” said a voice.
Applejack’s heart skipped a beat. Tears welled in her eyes and raced down her cheeks. She covered her snout with her forehooves and trembled.
“Oh mah Celestia...” she whimpered.
“Uh, Applejack,” said the Twipax. “Ah detect a dramatic increase in yer heartrate and ah can tell that you’re cryin’. If you’re feelin’ down, ah want ya ta know that ah’m here for ya.”
“Yer voice...” she squeaked.
“What about it? When ya activated me, it registered as the most comforting voice that came ta yer mind.”
“Yeah, no kiddin’... because that’s mah mama’s voice you’re usin’.”
“Well, ah guess that’d explain why it’s so comfortin’ to ya.”
“Mah late mama’s voice.”
The Twipax went silent for a moment.
“Oh,” it said. “Well, shoot. That makes this plum awkward then, don’t it? Look, ah didn’t mean ta make ya sad, so-”
“Ah ain’t sad,” said Applejack. “Not exactly. I ain’t heard that voice since ah was knee high to a horsefly. Ah’m happy ta hear it again. It’s like havin’ her back. Ah’m so happy that ah’m cryin’. Say somethin’ else.”
“If you’re happy, then ah’m doin’ mah job.”
“Ah never thought ah’d say this... ‘specially not to no feminine hygiene product... but... can ah call you... Mama?”
“Of course ya can.”
“An’... couldja maybe... call me... ‘sugarcube’?”
“Ah’d be honored, sugarcube.”
Applejack smiled.
“Oh, Mama, there’s so much ah wanted ta tell ya... an’ so much ah never got the chance ta say before ya left us.”
“Nothin’ would make me happier than ta hear all about it, sugarcube.”
Applejack beamed.
All day long, Applejack chatted with the Twipax about everything that had happened to her – from getting her cutie mark to defeating Nightmare Moon with her friends to being in charge of the Apple Family reunion. The Twipax was very accommodating and it indulged her more than anypony in recent memory. Applejack told it her secrets, sang songs with it, and laughed with it until she cried. As with any fun activity, the hours flew by quickly and the exhausted earth pony soon dozed off to the sound of her most beloved lullaby as sung by her “Mama”.
Applejack stirred. A bright beam of sunlight shone through the cabin’s east window and drummed against her eyelids, beckoning her to greet the new day. She yawned loudly and stretched her forelegs out.
“Good mornin’, Mama,” said Applejack, rubbing her eyes. “Ah had the most beautiful dream last night. You an’ me were back on the farm along with Daddy, Apple Bloom, Granny an’ Big Mac. We were all singin’ a song together in the orchard as we bucked apples together.”
“Sugarcube?”
“Yes, Mama?”
“It’s time.”
“Time? Whaddya mean?”
“Ah think ya know what ah mean.”
Applejack winced.
“B-B-But...” she stammered. “...ah’m not... that is... heh... Y’know, a-ah think ah’d better leave ya in a little longer... y’know, just in case. Hwoo, ah feel a gusher comin’ on.”
“Applejack, ah know whatcher doin’. Ah’m gonna be honest with you. In the short time that we’ve had together, you’ve made me very happy. Ya treated me as if ah were yer mother proper an’ ah’m ever so grateful to ya fer that. Ah feel like we have such a strong connection – an’ ah ain’t just sayin’ that because ah’m nestled up inside yer hoo-hoo – but ah’m not meant ta stay with ya forever. It’s high time ya took me out.”
“No.”
“It’ll hurt me more than it’ll hurt you, sugarcube. Once ya take me out, the spell that gave me artificial life’ll be broken. But that’s just how it goes, ah suppose. Ah’ve overstayed mah welcome as it is.”
“No, no, NO!! Ah ain’t gonna lose ya again, Mama! Ah just ain’t ready ta say goodbye yet! Ah never was! Ah was just a little filly when the accident that took you an’ Papa away from me happened. Ah couldn’t do anything ta stop it back then... but THIS ah can stop! An’ how can ya say it’ll hurt you more when you won’t even exist after ah take ya out?! Ah’m the one who has ta stick around an’ deal with the heartache o’ lettin’ ya go a second time!” She started to cry. “Ah... Ah’m sorry, Mama, but ah ain’t strong enough ta go it alone. Ah need you. Please don’t leave me again. Please?”
The Twipax sighed.
“Ah’m designed ta comfort ya, Applejack, but that’s all,” it said. “Ah can’t make ya do anythin’ ya don’t wanna do so if ya feel more comfortable with me than without me, then ah ain’t goin’ nowhere.”
“So you’ll stay with me?”
“That’s right.”
“Thank you. Ah love ya, Mama.”
“An’ ah love you, too... mah baby.”
Applejack wept for joy.
And then vomited.
“Guh...” mumbled Applejack. “Wouldja look at that? Ah’m so happy that ah upchucked.”
“Heh, yeah,” said the Twipax. “Ah’m sure that’s what it was: happiness.”
“Your Highness,” said Twilight’s royal guard. “You have a visitor; a Ms. Granny Smith.” Twilight leapt from her throne and flew toward the waiting room. “I could have sent her in, Your Highness.”
Twilight reached the waiting room where she saw Granny seated on the couch with her head hung, looking very distraught. Twilight landed beside her, eager to hear what was most likely an update on Applejack who had gone missing for a week following her trip to the cabin.
“Any news on Applejack’s whereabouts, Granny Smith?” asked Twilight.
Granny Smith turned to look at Twilight. Her eyes glistened in the daylight that shone through the tall stained glass windows.
“Princess Twilight,” muttered Granny. “The... police finally found mah granddaughter.”
“Is she... all right?” asked Twilight.
Granny’s face slowly contorted into a mass of sorrow as she shook her head. The horrific, heart-wrenching sound of an old mare weeping her aged lungs out filled the waiting room. Twilight felt a sharp pain in her chest as she tried to come to terms with her dear friend’s passing. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she reached out and gently embraced Granny Smith who held her tightly.
“How?” asked Twilight breathily.
Granny Smith sniffled and gasped as she tried to get a hold of herself to answer Twilight’s question.
“The coroner said it was toxic shock syndrome... brought on by leavin’ a tampon inside her for over ninety-six hours.”
Twilight’s jaw dropped. It was the Twipax. It had to be.
“N-Ninety-six hours?” she asked.
“Ah just don’t get it,” whimpered Granny Smith. “She’d been usin’ them things since she was a teenager. What in the hay coulda possessed her ta leave one inside her fer that long?”
Twilight’s eyes darted about. Her lips trembled as she prepared to confess to Granny that her enchanted tampon might have been what did the damage.
“I... have... no... idea,” she replied.
Way to go, liar, thought Twilight.
Twilight had an eight foot tall golden statue of Applejack erected in the middle of Ponyville to honor her fallen sister. The statue did little to ease Twilight’s guilt. If anything, her conscience bothered her even more. She now had to look at the spirit of the Element of Honesty whenever she looked down at Ponyville – only to be reminded that she used dishonesty to save her own hide.
The day after the unveiling of the statue, Twilight flew to Sugarcube Corner to pay Pinkie Pie a visit. Rather than enter from the ground floor, she knocked on Pinkie’s balcony door. Pinkie opened the door and let Twilight in.
“Pinkie, there’s something I need to tell you,” said Twilight.
Pinkie inhaled deeply.
“You created a magical talking tampon that you asked Applejack to try for you since she was on her period and when you found out later than Applejack died of toxic shock syndrome, you felt responsible for her death but you didn’t come forward with what you knew and then you spoke to your friend Pinkie Pie who you were going to confess to but who had actually already figured everything out on her own and then she threatened to spill the beans to Applejack’s family, the Ponyville police and Princess Celestia but then said that she wouldn’t say a word to anypony if you Pinkie promised to marry her and love her forever and then you said yes?” Gasping for breath, Pinkie got to one knee and produced a small box which she opened to reveal an engagement ring.
Twilight’s jaw dropped. She was being simultaneously blackmailed and proposed to by Pinkie! But after pondering how she kept her involvement in Applejack’s death a secret to avoid a criminal investigation and possible prosecution, she couldn’t exactly claim that she deserved much better.
“Yes,” she said with a sigh. She closed her eyes and lowered her head to present her horn to Pinkie. A wide smile appeared on Pinkie’s face. She quickly slipped the ring over Twilight’s horn and hugged her. Twilight shuddered. She was now engaged to Pinkie Pie and while she had no idea how she was going to explain it to her family, it would be a much easier explanation than the one Pinkie was sparing her from having to make to Granny Smith.
“Whee!” squealed Pinkie. “You’ve made me soooooooo happy, Twilight!”
“Ugggh,” groaned Twilight.
“You and me, together forever. I’m sure Applejack would have wanted it that way. Hey, does this mean that I’ll be a princess, too?”
“Sure, why not?” asked Twilight dejectedly. “Can we at least have a private ceremony at the mayor’s office? I don’t want a big wedding where everypony can see us.”
“Absolutely!” Pinkie slid underneath Twilight and lifted her onto her back before happily trotting off for the mayor’s office to get hitched.
“And I’m gonna need that Haygermeister of yours,” added Twilight. “...for the rest of my life.”
“Anything for you, my darling little wifey! Oh, but don’t look so down, Twilight. My mouth can do amazing things with a horn.”
“Oh, really?” asked Twilight with interest.
“Yep, and you’ll find out how amazing tonight – in bed.”
Twilight smirked, pleased to discover that this new arrangement came with at least one benefit.
Twilight was sitting up in bed unamused with bags under her eyes as her betrothed played a raucous and seemingly endless tune on her flugelhorn while seated to her right. She took a swig from the bottle of Haygermeister she held via levitation and then set it down on her nightstand. It was not the first swig. It would most assuredly not be the last swig.
“This is not the kind of hornblowing I had in mind, Pinkie,” mumbled Twilight with slurred speech. She gently poked Pinkie’s tummy. “And you really are getting fat.”
Pinkie lowered her flugelhorn from her quivering lips and pouted.
“What happened to the mare I fell in love with?!” she asked, her eyes glossy with tears.
“Judging by your huge potbelly, my guess would be that you must have eaten her before you and I got married,” replied Twilight.
Pinkie slammed the flugelhorn over Twilight’s head, encasing the alicorn’s noggin within the bell of the instrument. Twilight didn't even move. Pinkie sobbed and leapt from the bed.
“I’m telling my eighth therapist you said that!” she squealed. Pinkie ran to her bathroom, locked herself inside, and wept loudly.
“Better than jail?” asked Twilight rhetorically as she sank back in bed and folded her forelegs. “Definitely... but noooot by muchhhh.” Twilight levitated the bottle of Haygermeister and brought it to her face but since the flugelhorn was currently obstructing her lips, the liquor ran down the metal and spilled onto her neck, chest, and forelegs.
“Manure,” she grumbled.