I Dream of Evil Shampoo

by Dubs Rewatcher

Rating: everyone
Tags: Adventure, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 7702

After the Cutie Mark Crusaders manage to infiltrate somepony's dreams, Luna must return them to Equestria before the Dreamscape—and the fabric of the universe—is torn apart.

Princess Luna has served as Guardian of the Dreamscape for millennia, patrolling dreams, destroying nightmares, and generally making sure that nopony ever has to be scared of the monsters in their closet. For just as many years, she's managed to perform her role without incident. However, during a routine dream patrol, she comes across a group of intruders: the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who have entered the Dreamscape to find their cutie marks.

Unfortunately for them, the Dreamscape doesn't take kindly to outsiders.

Now, Luna must find and return the fillies to Equestria, or else the Dreamscape—and the universe itself—will fall apart by the seams.

This fic was originally written for the Writeoff Association's January contest, "All In."
Thanks to Doseux, OkemosBrony, Honeycomb, Cold in Gardez, and M1Garand8 for pre-reading. Cover edited by me. Cutie Mark Crusader vector by PsychicWalnut. Luna vector by TheShadowStone. Background by Hawk9mm.

Published 2015-07-04 16:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-07-04 16:30:01 UTC

Cutie Mark Crusader Dreamwalkers, YAY!

In all her years as Defender of the Dreamscape, Princess Luna had seen many things. Yet, this was a first: Blue Belle, a young unicorn, was being harassed by evil haircare products.

The mare lay in a dark alley, cowering against a garbage can. “No!” she yelled at the massive purple shampoo bottle standing over her. “I don’t need you anymore! I’ve switched brands!”

How would shampoo go about attacking somepony? Luna thought, scratching her chin.

With a shriek, Blue Belle scrambled out of her spot, just barely dodging a blast of pink soapy slime.

Ah. Luna leapt from her spot, high above the alley. That’s how.

She landed between the two with a slam, sending Blue Belle tumbling to the ground and the shampoo bottle flying back into a garbage can. It stood up and leered at her—but Luna was ready with a practiced glare of her own. “This dream is under my protection!” she announced, her booming voice very nearly tearing the bricks off the walls. “Begone, foul toiletry!”

The shampoo bottle took a step back, but didn’t run. Growling, it leveled its spout with Luna’s head and sent a torrent of thick black slime hurtling across the alley way. With a single flick of her horn, she sent the goo flying back. It cut right through the Nightmare’s plastic shell, dispersing the bottle into a pile of purple dust.

Luna folded her wings and turned to Blue Belle. “You are safe now, young one.”

Blue Belle cowered in Luna’s shadow for a moment before sprinting out of the alley, taking a wide arc to avoid the pile of dust.

“You are welcome!” Luna called, her voice echoing into the distance. Snorting, Luna flared her wings and took to the air again. “Ponies have no respect these days.”

A swift flap of her wings sent her sailing through the air, high above the city—er, the dream that looked like a city. In reality, everypony’s mind held their own personal section of the Dreamscape, which changed appearance depending on the thoughts and feelings of the pony; for example, Rainbow Dash’s mind held nothing but clouds and open air, with not an inch of land in sight. Rarity’s mind tended to take the shape of a massive palace, filled with buff stallions wearing bowties.

Here, Blue Belle’s Dreamscape had manifested as a twisted, almost demonic-looking version of Manehattan. Imposing towers pierced the sky, tearing open holes into nothingness. Roads, lined with dented, flickering streetlamps, extended into the horizon with no end in sight. Above her, blackened tendrils snaked in and out of low-hanging clouds, casting off dark sparks of magic. They screeched as they moved, like the sound of rusted knives scraping against one another.

Luna flew for about a mile, scanning the streets as she went for any traces of Nightmares. But alas, it seemed that the shampoo bottle had been the only one willing to make an appearance that night. Not that Luna minded; the night was still young, and she still had a multitude of different Dreamscapes to visit. She lit her horn and prepared to leave—

“Ugh, would you wait up?” said a voice from below. “Your legs are longer than mine!”

Luna’s ears perked to attention. She froze in the air, hovering above the city.

“Yeah, but you’re an earth pony!” said another voice. “Aren’t earth ponies supposed to be super-duper good at running?”

The high-pitched, foalish chatter echoed from the alleyways. Luna frowned and focused her gaze, searching for the source. She had never heard a Nightmare speak Equestrian before, but there was a first time for everything. Taking care to move as quietly as possible, Luna landed on a sidewalk and pressed her body against a building. She walked to the opening of the alleyway and peeked her head around the corner.

Three small figures—one for each pony race—stood at the back of the alley, all hunched together, whispering to one another.

Luna stepped into the alley and flared her wings. “Nightmares! Prepare to be vanquished!”

The shadowy figures looked up just in time to see Luna charging at them, her horn blazing with the force of twenty suns. The earth pony and unicorn let out shrill screams of terror, while the pegasus jumped out in front of them and threw out her front hooves.

“Princess Luna, stop!” the pegasus screamed. “It’s us! Stop!”

Luna kept running. It was only as she grew closer and the light from her horn erased the shadows that she slammed all four hooves into the ground and skidded to a stop, ripping up deep trenches in the concrete.

She gaped as the Cutie Mark Crusaders bounded toward her, manes bouncing with each step. Sweetie Belle ran right up to Luna and nuzzled her leg. “Hi, Princess! How are you?”

What.

“You?!” Luna snatched her leg away, letting Sweetie topple over. “What are you three doing here? This is not your mind!” She poked Apple Bloom in the nose, prompting the filly to jump back and for the other two to giggle. Luna gritted her teeth. “Are you more figments of the Dreamscape?”

The Crusaders exchanged a glance. “What the heck is a figment?” Scootaloo asked.

“I think it’s a kind of fruit,” Apple Bloom said.

“I didn’t—why—how? How are you here?” Luna blubbered, looking them up and down. Her face had gone pale. “This should not be possible. You cannot walk the Dreamscape! It will tear you apart!”

“Oooooooh,” the fillies murmured in unison. Apple Bloom chuckled and turned to Scootaloo. “You were right, Scoots! This place is exciting!” Scootaloo puffed out her chest.

“Yeah!” Sweetie chimed in. “This place looks like it’s perfect for getting cool cutie marks.”

“‘Cutie marks…?’” Luna repeated. Her heart beat faster with each second. “No, no! There are no cutie marks here! Only death and destruction—”

“Cutie Mark Crusader Dreamwalkers, yay!” the fillies shrieked, sending Luna flumping back onto her rump. Her head pounded as the Crusaders sprinted to the back of the alley, where a small wooden scooter and a wagon sat. Apple Bloom and Sweetie jumped into the wagon, while Scootaloo hopped onto the scooter and revved up her wings before buzzing away.

“See ya around, Princess!” she cried. Within seconds, they were out of sight and sound.

Luna sat for a few moments, her mind racing so fast, it probably should have caught fire. What she had just seen was impossible; the Laws of Reality wouldn’t allow three blank-flanked fillies to enter somepony’s dreams. Right? If it wasn't for the ringing in her ears from their battle cry, Luna might have just dismissed the three as a hallucination, brought on by too many bowls of porridge before bed.

She ran to the street and threw her gaze around, but the Crusaders were nowhere to be found. Where had they gone? The average pony’s mind stretches for hundreds and hundreds of miles, Luna thought, stamping a hoof. How am I supposed to find them in this demonic city?

A high-pitched screech from the raging skies above forced her to move. She had to find these fillies before the universe remembered what was supposed to be happening to them.

In her years as the Guardian, Luna had learned not to trust her own internal clock while in a dream. What she thought to be hours might only be seconds. Yet, as she scoured the city looking for the fillies, she couldn't help but feel as though eternities were passing by. She flooded her eyes with magic, heightening her sense of sight until every speck of dirt was as clear as the hoof in front of her face.

She was just about to turn around and try searching in the other direction when she caught a glimpse of pink-and-white ducking under a tattered canopy. She grinned and dove to the ground.

She landed in the middle of a barren street. Throbbing clumps of purple dust scaled the sidewalks, reaching high up the walls, while streetlights flickered from orange to red to black. The buildings were plastered with old Bridleway theatre posters, hanging tattered and limp.

At the edge of the sidewalk, Sweetie Belle stared at one of the piles of dust. She was reaching forward and just about to touch it when Luna ran up and slapped her hoof away. “Ow!” she cried, rubbing her hoof. “That hurt!”

“Would you rather be dissolved into pure darkness?”

Sweetie cringed. “That sounds like it really hurts.”

“You are perceptive.” Luna grabbed Sweetie Belle in her magic and pulled her out into the street. “This is a mistake. How did you get here? Who sent you? Answer me!”

“Uhm.” Sweetie looked away and rubbed the back of her neck. “He kinda told us not to tell you…”

Luna frowned. “Was it Discord?”

“Yeah.”

“Of course.” Luna growled and sent a blast of magic at a nearby wall, sending chunks of brick flying every which way. “Agh! Reformed or no, I will have his antlers for this!” She walked away and gestured for Sweetie to follow.

“Princess, please don't be mad at him!” Sweetie pleaded, scrambling to catch up. “He just told us we could get fancy cutie marks if we came here, so we asked him to let us see dreams. If you're going to be mad at anypony, be mad at us!”

Luna stopped and glared at Sweetie so hard she flinched. “Do not think that I am not upset with you, too. Did you really think that making a deal with the literal embodiment of chaos was a wise choice?”

Sweetie sighed. “It seemed like a good idea at the time…”

Luna rolled her eyes and kept walking, taking quick glances down side streets as she went. “As soon as we return to Equestria, I will be speaking to your sisters about this.”

“But what’s the big deal?” Sweetie asked. “It’s not like coming here hurt or anything. All we had to do was go to sleep!”

Luna shook her head. “Sweetie Belle, you are not the first pony to attempt to enter the Dreamscape. In fact, you are not even the first pony to succeed. However, you are the first pony to survive more than a nanosecond.”

Sweetie Belle’s eyes went wide. “What do you mean?”

“Every inch of this world pulses with enough raw magic to kill a normal unicorn, let alone a filly. Anypony who enters somepony else’s mind will have their senses overloaded, and they will be immediately obliterated.” Luna leaned down and jabbed a hoof into Sweetie’s shaking chest. “Discord has gifted you some of his power, which is why you have not yet been destroyed. But I have no idea how long that will last.”

“What?!” Sweetie shrieked. “But Princess, I don’t wanna die!”

“Then you must leave as soon as possible. Come with me.”

The two walked for a few more blocks, with Luna using her magic to probe the streets for life, and Sweetie flinching with each streak of black lightning that cut through the clouds. Sweetie was just about to ask to hide under one of Luna’s wings when something flashed in the corner of her eye.

She tugged on Luna’s tail and pointed. “Hey, Princess, what’s that?” Luna followed Sweetie’s hoof and gasped.

A sizable circular section of a nearby wall was shifting around, like sand in a funnel. Pieces of gray brick melted into one another, sinking into the center of the circle, only to repair themselves seconds later and repeat the process. Luna narrowed her eyes and lit her horn, sending a wisp of magic floating over to it. When her spell touched the shifting bricks, it broke apart, and Luna was buffeted back.

Rubbing her aching horn, she scowled. “That is… unusual.”

Sweetie cowered behind her. “What is it?”

“A tear in the Dreamscape. Not unheard of, but rare. It could mean that Blue Belle is experiencing some sort of psychological trauma as she sleeps, or—” Luna took a long breath. “Or, things are worse than I feared. Do you know where either of your friends are?”

“We decided that we wanted to all go explore different things. I think Apple Bloom said she wanted to see what a ‘dream orchard’ looked like.”

“Right.” Luna flared her wings, sparking a yelp from Sweetie. “Climb on my back. If I am right, she is in great danger.”

Sweetie nodded and clambered onto Luna’s back. She took a minute to find her footing and, after asking for permission, wrapped her forelegs around Luna’s neck. Luna rocketed into the air and sped off, with Sweetie screaming all the way.

Neither one noticed the dark figures watching them from around a corner.

If there was one topic that Apple Bloom considered herself an expert on, it was trees. After all, she lived on a farm full of them. At Sweet Apple Acres, they had apple trees… and that was about it. But how different could apple trees be from willow trees, or yew trees? Or even imaginary trees that only appear in dreams?

That was the reasoning that Apple Bloom came to as she walked through the orchard she had found. She had been expecting massive oaks with rainbow-colored leaves and sap made out of melted chocolate. Unfortunately, it seemed like it was winter in the Dreamscape—every tree she passed was dead, their jagged branches curving high into the air. The ground she walked on was hard and cold.

“I wonder what kind of fruit these trees grow?” she asked aloud, drowning out the sound of cracking branches behind her. “They don't look like apple trees. Maybe pear trees? Those are ugly, right?” She shrugged and kept walking, completely oblivious to the fact that the trees she had just passed were not there anymore. She hummed as she trotted, tuning out the rumbling that surrounded her.

High above, Luna and Sweetie Belle looked on with gaping mouths. “Apple Bloom!” Sweetie sputtered, sticking her neck out as far as it would go. “Look out!”

Apple Bloom’s ears perked up. She turned around—and screamed. The dead, jagged trees she had passed had torn themselves out of the ground, their branches morphing into arms and legs. Their sharp eyes glowed red. With spiked, crunching mouths, they stomped toward the filly, who was now frozen to the soil. The one in front reached forward and grabbed her bow.

A bang shot through the air, and the tree monster exploded into a whirlwind of purple powder. Apple Bloom scrambled backward, only to bump into the legs of Luna, who had landed just behind her. Sweetie hopped to the ground and ran to comfort her friend, while Luna pointed her horn straight at the horde. With a few short blasts, the entire orchard was obliterated. Their remains scattered in the wind.

With a few gentle back rubs from Sweetie, Apple Bloom managed to rein in her hyperventilation. Legs still twitching, she grinned up at Luna. “Thanks, Princess! You saved my life! Why, if my sis’ found out I had been eaten by tree monsters, she would’ve blown a gasket—“

“Perhaps she has a right to be upset!” Luna shouted, sending both fillies scattering backward. She towered over them and spread her wings, shrouding them in darkness. “You should be punished for even thinking of doing something so stupid as to walk the Dreamscape! What do you have to say for yourselves?!”

Sweetie and Apple Bloom cowered against a rock, holding each other tight. “We didn't know!” Sweetie blubbered.

“Yeah, Princess!” Apple Bloom added, looking away. “We're sorry. Really, really sorry!”

Luna glared at them for a moment more before turning away. She rubbed her face with a hoof. “I apologize for yelling, little ones. I am merely worried.”

“You? Worried?” Apple Bloom said, raising a brow. She hesitated a moment before running over to pat Luna’s side. “You're the most powerful pony in the whole wide world! What do you have to be worried about?”

“Things are not as they should be.” Luna gestured to the remains of the orchard. “You are not the owner of this dream—the Nightmares should have ignored you.”

“What even are these stupid Nightmares?” Sweetie asked. “Why are they here? What are they trying to do?”

“There is no ‘why’ when it comes to the Nightmares. They exist simply to wreak havoc throughout the Dreamscape, and to harm the ponies whose minds make it up. As the Guardian, my job is to hold them at bay, but I can never truly defeat them. As long as sentient creatures continue to exist, the Dreamscape will exist. And as long as the Dreamscape exists, they will exist.” Luna glowered. “Unfortunately, I fear that the Dreamscape may not exist for much longer.”

The Crusaders exchanged an anxious glance. “What do you mean?” Apple Bloom asked.

“As I said, the Nightmares are acting strangely violent. And that tear we saw—these are signs. The Dreamscape is becoming unstable.” Luna turned back to them. “I believe it is due to your presence. As outsiders, the Laws of Reality seek to destroy you. But they cannot, as Discord has gifted you some of his power. You have to be destroyed, but you cannot be destroyed, but you must... You have created a paradox. A paradox which, if left to grow, could wipe out our universe.”

“What do we do?” Sweetie asked, voice quivering.

“It is like I told you before: you leave. The sooner the three of you return to Equestria, the sooner the Dreamscape can repair itself. Do either of you know where Scootaloo has gone?”

“I dunno,” Apple Bloom said, scratching her head. “She said she wanted to go find someplace to do tricks on her scooter, then rode off. I don't know where she is now.”

Luna groaned. “We'll have to search for her. Come with—“

She stopped short as every hair on the back of her neck shot up. Mouth hanging open, she perked up her ears and snapped her head to look at the skyline. “Did you feel that?” she asked, eyes flitting from building to building. The fillies just shrugged. Luna spread her wings and kneeled. “Come. I know where Scootaloo is.”

Apple Bloom gave a small squee and jumped on. “You mean, I get to fly? With a real-life alicorn?” She giggled like a madmare. “This is the best day of my life!”

Sweetie soon joined her. “Yeah. It’s kinda scary at first, but once you get used to it, it’s really cool!”

“Are you ready?” Luna asked. The two nodded so hard, their heads should have fallen off. They closed their eyes and held on tight.

Luna lit her horn.

In less than a second, they were standing in the middle of a city street, under a long archway.

For a few moments, the fillies stayed static, clutching onto Luna’s neck. They edged their eyes open. Apple Bloom scowled. “That was it? How come Sweetie gets to fly, but I don’t? It ain't fair!”

“Shh!” Luna hissed. “Cease your whining and help find Scootaloo. I know she is nearby.”

The two groaned, but hopped off. They all cast their gazes around the dusty street, but Scootaloo was nowhere to be found. They couldn't even hear the telltale sound of her crashing her scooter.

“Where are you, Scoots?” Apple Bloom yelled. “We gotta get outta here! We created a parachute!”

“A paradox,” Luna corrected, looking into a trash can.

“Yeah, that!”

“What the hay is a paradox?” Scootaloo asked.

The three froze. Brains scrambling, they followed her voice: they looked up. Scootaloo was standing upside-down on the bottom of the archway above them, holding her scooter in one hoof, and her helmet in another. She returned their gawks with a smirk. “What’s wrong? Never seen a filly break gravity before?”

“S-Scootaloo!” Luna spat, every star in her mane going supernova. “Get down from there this instant! You are tampering with the Laws of Reality in ways you can never comprehend!”

“Oh, I understand. I understand that this is awesome!” Scootaloo hopped on her scooter and rode along the length of the archway, doing spins and pulling off flips as she went. Her fellow Crusaders oohed and aahed, just prompting her to go faster. “All I did was crash into this mound of weird purple stuff, and wham! I’m the master of gravity!”

“Hey!” Sweetie said to Luna, who was pulling her own mane out. “You said that stuff would make me dissolve, not give me superpowers!”

Scootaloo reached the end of the archway and crossed over onto the side of the building, but didn't slow down. “Woo hoo!” she cheered, flying over windows. “I never get to do this at home!”

Luna opened her mouth to scold her again, but was cut off as an ear-splitting screech ripped through the air. Everypony covered their ears, but it did nothing to block the cacophony. Luna was lucky she managed to keep her eyes open; had she not, she wouldn't have seen gravity suddenly reclaim Scootaloo and tear her off the side of the building. She caught Scootaloo in her magic and gently brought her to earth—the scooter, however, crashed and exploded into a hundred pieces.

The screech faded out and they all exchanged a glance. Luna gulped. “This does not bode well.”

The city rumbled. Long shadows extended across the sidewalks, scaling the buildings and flooding the streets. The dark lightning above flashed faster. The Crusaders ran to cower under Luna’s wings. Luna took a step forward, eyes flicking around. “Show yourself!” she yelled. “I am not afraid of you, Nightmares!”

At once, every shadow turned to dust. Slowly and shakily, the dust started to move, melding into clumps and piles. Thin, gangly limbs ambled out of the piles, jutting off into countless arms and legs. Dozens upon dozens of creatures rose to their newly-formed feet. The sky’s screeching had become deafening. Luna gritted her teeth. The fillies clutched each other and closed their eyes.

The Nightmares stepped out of the shadows and into the light.

The fillies stopped shaking. “Is that a hairbrush?” Scootaloo asked.

Indeed, it was a hairbrush, but its bristles were topped with glinting steel spikes. Following it, a sturdy can of shaving cream and a pair of razors stood by, while a few tubs of hair gel rolled around the corner and hopped onto their feet. Aluminum cases of hair dye left colorful tracks as they crept down the walls like spiders. Behind the army of personal hygiene products, a gargantuan bottle of shampoo towered over the crowd, the goo inside of it bubbling.

Apple Bloom tilted her head. “This is weird.”

“And scary,” Sweetie whimpered.

“This many Nightmares will kill Blue Belle.” Luna picked up the fillies in her magic and pushed them over to the wall behind her. “Stay back, children!” she said, flaring her wings. “I will protect you. Come at me, horrid beasts!”

She whipped her horn around and shot a volley of blue blasts at the crowd. Her shots ripped through a few of the beasts, dispersing them into powder. Yet, as soon as they fell, more haircare products were ready to take their place. Luna cursed and leapt into battle.

She leapfrogged off of a hair gel case, sending it crashing to the ground. Now airborne, she spun around and launched a massive energy beam, cutting through at least a dozen Nightmares as if they were pudding. But as soon as they fell apart, two dozen more stepped in and lobbed their own attacks her way. Luna flapped her wings to dodge the waterfall of shaving cream and hair gel. The torrent of hygiene destroyed the wall behind her.

She was sent careening off in a random direction. She started to reposition herself, only to crash headfirst in the bottle of shampoo. Her magically-charged horn dinked against its shell like wet tissue paper. Her eyes spun as she fell. With another flap she tried to stay in the sky.

Pain surged through her wing. She yelped as a razor leaped past her, its blades coated with blue feathers. She managed to land on her hooves, skidding through the street until she hit a curb and toppled over to her side. She looked up just in time to deflect a blast of shampoo, and took to the air again.

The purple goo flew across the street. The Crusaders screamed as it sliced through the wall just inches from where they sat. The three fell over one another trying to get away. They had managed to run to the end of the block before Scootaloo stopped and shouted, “Wait!” Her friends turned around, still jumping from hoof-to-hoof. “What are we doing? We can't just leave Princess Luna to fight those things alone!”

“What are we supposed to do?” Apple Bloom asked. “We'll get crushed!”

“We’re gonna get crushed anyway if Luna loses. We have to fight back somehow!” Scootaloo glared back at the raging battle. “If only I still had my scooter. I could kickflip these guys into the dirt!” She turned to look at Sweetie Belle. “What do you think—what are you doing?”

Sweetie was pacing around, one hoof rubbing her forehead furiously. “I just remembered something that could maybe sorta help us. But it was only in my brain for a second, and now I can't remember what it was!” She groaned and stamped her hooves. “And it was really important, too! We learned it in school!”

Scootaloo lidded her eyes. “We don't learn important things in school, Sweetie. Just stupid math.”

“No, no, really! Do either of you remember that lesson a few months ago, where Miss Cheerilee talked about dreams? What was it she said about them?”

Scootaloo shrugged. Apple Bloom giggled and elbowed her in the side. “Scoots was probably enjoying a few dreams of her own during that lesson,” she said. Scootaloo punched her in the shoulder.

Sweetie sat down and wrung her hooves. “It was, uh… anything… anything can happen? Yeah, that was it!” Sweetie sprung up and grabbed her friends. “Anything can happen! In a dream, you can make anything happen!”

Apple Bloom brushed her off. “That’s pretty darn vague, Sweetie. I don't quite see how that’s supposed to help us.”

“Me neither,” Scootaloo said, scowling. “This is a real-life battle, Sweetie Belle! Stupid school lessons aren't going to do anything! And seriously, what the hay does that even mean?” Scootaloo waltzed past them. “’You can make anything happen.’ What, do you think if I close my eyes”—she closed her eyes—“and wish really hard for, like, super-giant wings or something”—she scrunched up her face for a few seconds—“then my wish will come true? I'll have giant wings?”

No answer came. She spun around and raised an eyebrow. “Well?”

Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom stared at her, their faces pale. Apple Bloom raised a shaky hoof. “Uh, Scoots…?”

Scootaloo looked to where she was pointing, and her jaw hit the ground. Where her stubby wings should have been were instead two majestic swaths of orange feathers. Her wings were now as big as Luna’s, if not bigger. Breathing heavily, she kicked off from the ground. She spent a moment flailing, trying to control her giant appendages, but soon her pegasus instincts took over and she balanced herself.

“Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!” Scootaloo cried, floating around. “I’m flying! I'm actually flying!” From the ground, her friends cheered. She pulled off a few more tricks before setting her sights on the battle ahead: Luna had just been sent to the ground for the third time, and was looking ragged. Scootaloo glanced at both of her wings and smirked.

She closed her eyes and scrunched up her face again. In a few seconds, long strips of jagged, spiked metal covered her wings: wing guards, just like the kind the Royal Guard wore during battle. She let out a long battle cry—“For Equestria!” just like in all the movies—and charged.

Luna was heaving as she watched Scootaloo race towards her. “Stop, little one!” she said. “This is far too dangerous!”

“I’m too dangerous!” Scootaloo shot back. With a single flap of her wings, she rocketed forward. Her wing guards sliced through a few bottles of hair gel, turning them back into dust. She pulled up and grinned back at her friends before diving back down.

Sweetie Belle hopped up and down. “Ooh! My turn, my turn!”

She closed her eyes, and a long, shining sword popped into existence, its blade crafted out of pure diamond, and its hilt inlaid with as many gems as could fit. She lifted it with her magic and charged a nearby can of shaving cream, her voice cracking as she copied Scootaloo’s battle cry. Her sword sliced through it with ease. She ran to join the Princess.

From her spot on the sidewalk, Apple Bloom shuddered. She was perfectly content to just watch and not risk getting killed by some shampoo. She would have gone through with her non-plan, if it weren't for the shadow extending over her. She turned around and gasped—a long, thick comb was advancing toward her. The word “Unbreakable” was etched into its side.

Apple Bloom backed up as far as she could, but the comb wouldn’t stop. She forced her eyes shut and started racing through ideas. Scootaloo had gotten wing guards because she was a pegasus, and Sweetie Belle had taken a sword she could swing with magic. What could an earth pony do…?

Her eyes went wide.

She jumped to her hooves. Just as the comb was extending its teeth to attack, two boxing gloves, each one twice the size of her head, appeared on Apple Bloom’s front hooves. She wound up and smacked the comb right down the center, sending it flying across the street and cracking into two halves before disintegrating.

Apple Bloom chuckled and hit her gloves together. “I could get used to this.”

The air was thick with dust. Scootaloo could barely see as she flew, zipping from wall to wall. She never slowed, not even as her wings shredded rows of monsters into bits. Every hit sparked another round of raucous laughter. It took nearly five collisions for Luna to cast a spell to clear the air—just in time for the two to dodge another jumping razor blade.

Luna spun through the air like a top, shooting searing blasts of energy with each movement. Her speed didn't affect her accuracy; every shot hit its mark, splitting straight through every Nightmare she saw. The ground and walls were scarred with burn marks. Explosions sparkled through the darkness.

Down on the ground, Sweetie Belle swung her sword as hard as she could. The diamond blade shone as it cleaved through tubes of conditioner and mousse. Her magic could barely hold up the sword’s weight, so with every swing, the sword very nearly dragged her with it. A particularly hardy stab brought her to her knees. A bottle of mane dye ran up behind her, its deep red juices sloshing around inside. Sweetie covered her face as it leaned over her.

Apple Bloom slid under the bottle to get between the two. She sprang up and threw a punch, bashing the mane dye right on the spout. It exploded into bits. Apple Bloom tried to help Sweetie up, but with her giant boxing gloves, all she could do was muss up Sweetie’s mane.

The crowd started to thin out. Most of the toiletries had been taken down, and many of those that remained were collapsing on their own, usually aided by an ugly glare from Luna. The four warriors gradually moved towards each other.

“This is the best day of my life!” Scootaloo shrieked, flying in a loop-de-loop. “Oh my gosh, Rainbow Dash is going to think I'm the coolest!”

“We are not finished yet,” Luna intoned, turning away from them and assuming a wide-legged stance. The fillies followed her eyes and proceeded to shrink three sizes.

The colossal shampoo bottle still stood, coated in the dusty remains of its allies. It let out an air-cracking roar and stomped its feet, ripping up the concrete sidewalks. Fists clenched, it launched a thick stream of goo. Luna lit her horn and shot a spell to deflect it, but her magic just bounced off. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle threw themselves out of the way as the ground where they had stood dissolved.

“The Dreamscape is too damaged,” Luna said. “My magic can’t affect it anymore!”

“Then what are we supposed to do?” Apple Bloom called up to her, dodging another blast. She could barely run with her massive front hooves. “We need you, Princess!”

Scootaloo’s eyes flashed between Luna and the shampoo bottle, which was stomping towards them. She growled and landed next to her friends. “No, we don’t! We can take this loser out ourselves!” Before anypony could object, Scootaloo grabbed them by the necks and pulled them into a huddle. “Cutie Mark Crusader Monster Defense Plan #47!” she screamed.

The other two stared for a moment before their faces lit up. “Of course!” Sweetie said. “You're a genius, Scootaloo!”

Luna side-eyed the group. “Perhaps you should run this plan by me first…?”

“No time!” Scootaloo leaped into the air. “Alright, girls: Cutie Mark Crusader Haircare Hunters, go!” The three sprang into action.

Scootaloo zipped around the shampoo bottle, skidding her wing razors along its surface. Goo leaked out of every scratch. “Hey, ugly!” she yelled, right where its ears should have been. “Bet you can't catch—whoa!” She barely slipped through its gangly fingers. She waited for it to turn to face her, then smirked. “Wow. You’re even stupider than I thought you would be. Now, Sweetie!”

Just below them, Sweetie hefted her sword into the air and sliced right through the bottle’s legs. The thin black lines split easily. The shampoo bottle waved its arms around wildly, trying to balance itself, but nothing could stop it from falling forward, tumbling to the concrete like a felled tree.

Its shadow enveloped the street below—and standing right in the center was Apple Bloom. Giggling, she closed one eye and wound up her punch. “I love being an earth pony.”

She swung. Her blow tore through the bottle’s plastic shell, and the shockwave blew a hole in the other side. Shampoo flew everywhere, coating the walls, and bogging everyone down in the slime. But soon enough, the goo hardened into purple flakes. A strong gust of wind blew the dust away, leaving the street empty.

The Crusaders cheered and ran together for a massive group hug. Luna raised her head into the sky. “Foul figments of Nightmare!” she boomed, her voice echoing through the city. “Once again, you have been vanquished. Leave this mind and never return! Return to the nether from which you rose!”

Scootaloo flared her wings. “Yeah! What she said!” The fillies snorted and guffawed—at least, until they noticed Luna standing over them, her glare reading their every twitch.

Luna narrowed her eyes. “You should not have interfered in the battle. What you did was foolish.” When they opened their mouths to interrupt, she shot up a hoof to stop them. “There are no excuses. You could have all been killed—or worse.”

The three hung their heads. “We're sorry,” they muttered in unison.

“However.”

Their heads sprang up again. Luna sighed and rolled her eyes. “However, it would be a lie to say that I am not thankful, or impressed.” She spared them a tiny smile. “I am amazed that you all were able to figure out how to manipulate the Dreamscape. It took me years to manifest my first rock, let alone alter my body structure.”

Scootaloo nodded and held a hoof to her puffed-out chest. “Yeah, I am pretty great.” She flinched as Apple Bloom kicked her in the shin. “Ow, what…? Oh, I mean, uh, thanks?”

“Girls, wait!” Sweetie yelped, sticking out a hoof. Her smile was wider than the moon itself. She closed her eyes and scrunched up her face—in a second, her body twinkled and flashed white. Everypony stared at the massive diamond now covering Sweetie’s flanks.

“Holy haystacks!” Apple Bloom cried, throwing her hooves into the air. “Why the hay didn't I think of that?” She concentrated, and a pair of boxing gloves appeared on her flanks.

Scootaloo followed suit—in a blink, the words “I'm awesome” were emblazoned just next to her wings.

The three squealed and hopped around in a circle, chanting, “We got our cutie marks! We got our cutie marks!”

Luna chuckled, but pricked up her ears as the clouds began to part, and bright pillars of light radiated down. The world grew brighter and brighter, until it blinded anypony hoping to open their eyes.

“What’s going on?” Sweetie asked, shading her face with her hooves. “Is this another Nightmare?”

“Blue Belle is waking up,” Luna explained, shading the three with her wings. “We will be heading back to Equestria. The paradox you caused has damaged the Dreamscape greatly, but in time it will repair itself. Everything will be fine—although, you may have some rather unusual dreams for the next few weeks.”

She leaned into them. “If at any point you find yourself dreaming of dancing blocks of cheese, you know who to blame.”

Everything disappeared into the light.

Gasping for air, Luna sprang out of bed. With a flash of magic, her sleepmask burned off, falling to the bed in an ashy heap. Sweat ran down her neck in torrents, pooling at her rump. She rubbed her eyes and glanced around the room. It was still dark. As far as she could see, she was alone in her room; no Crusaders to speak of.

She let out a long breath and fell back onto her pillow. Her gaze focused in on a piece of lint hanging from her canopy. “Was it but a dream?” she murmured. Her throat burned. She grabbed a glass of water off her nightstand with her magic and floated it over to herself. But before she could take a sip, a sharp pain jolted through her rear end. She jumped, spilling water all over the bed. She spun to look over the side of her bed.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders groaned as they crawled out from under her bed. Apple Bloom rubbed her forehead. “Ugh, my brain hurts.”

Sweetie collapsed onto her stomach and rubbed her horn. “Yeah. And I bumped my head on something really big when I was under there.”

Scootaloo stumbled around a bit, eyes spinning. When she finally shook off her dizziness, she stomped her hoof. “Oh, stop complaining! That was awesome! We got to see what a dream looks like, and we fought a giant bottle of shampoo, and I got my giant wings—wait, what?” She stretched out her tiny wings and buzzed them. “Where did my wings go? They were right here!”

“And what about your cutie mark?” Apple Bloom asked, poking Scootaloo’s flank. “It’s gone! And so is yours, Sweetie! And mine!”

The three spun around, trying desperately to get a look at their blank flanks. As the reality of their situation finally hit them, they stopped running, sat down, and let out a single unified wail. Their weeping tore through the room, filling every nook and cranny.

Luna flattened her ears. “Ahem,” she tried.

“We were so close!” Scootaloo said.

“All that work for nothing,” Sweetie Belle added, covering her eyes.

Luna cleared her throat again, finally catching their attention. “I believe you all owe me something,” she said. “I am waiting.”

The fillies exchanged a glance and managed to stifle their cries. Sniffling, they sat in a row in front of Luna’s bed. None of them could make eye contact. Sweetie rubbed her leg. “Uh, we're sorry we created a paradise and nearly destroyed the world?”

“It’s a para—oh, never mind.” Luna crossed her forelegs. “I hope that you have all learned a valuable lesson from this. Perhaps one involving making deals with spirits of chaos?”

“You bet,” Scootaloo chirped. “Next time we ask Discord to help give us cutie marks, we'll make sure that his idea will actually work!”

Luna started to nod, but froze. She shook her head. “No, that’s not—“

Scootaloo hopped to her hooves. “C'mon, girls! That’s the closest we've ever been to getting our marks; I bet if we ask Discord again, he'll give us the good stuff this time! If we leave now, we can make it back to Ponyville by sunrise!” The others cheered. They huddled together and touched their hooves together.

“Cutie Mark Crusaders, yay!”

They sprinted out.

From her bed, Luna watched them go and lifted a hoof. Every Princess instinct she had told her to catch them and make sure they had learned her lesson—but her limbs ached, and her bed was just so comfortable…

“They'll be fine,” she said through a yawn, burying herself in the covers again. Sleep wrapped itself around her body.

A thought flashed through her mind, and her eyes snapped open. She lit her horn.

A second later, Discord floated in front of her, dressed in blue footsie pajamas and holding a ragged teddy bear in one arm. His eyes fluttered open. When the two locked eyes, he merely grinned and waved. “Ah, hello there, Lulu.”

She bared her teeth.

“What’s wrong? Bad dreams?”

The Minific Version

Author's Note

This is the original version, written at 3 A.M. for the /fic/ write-off "All In." Garnered a score of 6.19 out of 10.

The Minific Version

In her time as Defender of the Dreamscape, Princess Luna had seen many things. Yet, this was a first: Backbeat, a young unicorn, was being harassed by evil haircare products.

The mare lay in a dark alley, cowering against a garbage can. “No!” she yelled at the shampoo bottle standing over her. “I don’t need you anymore! I’ve switched brands!”

Luna watched from a nearby rooftop. Her wings were spread and her knees were bent, ready for her to spring into action. She had to scratch her chin at the situation. How would a bottle of shampoo attack somepony?

With a shriek, Backbeat scrambled out of her spot, just barely dodging a blast of soapy slime.

Ah, Luna thought, leaping from her spot. That’s how.

She landed between the two with a slam, sending Backbeat tumbling to her hooves and the shampoo bottle flying back into the garbage cans. It stood up and shot a glare at her—but Luna was ready with a practiced glare of her own. “This dream is under my protection!” she announced. Her voice very nearly tore apart the fabric of the Dreamscape. “Begone, foul toiletry!”

“Yeah! You get ‘em, Princess!” said an unfamiliar voice.

Luna froze, snapping her head toward the entrance to the alley. What was that?

In her distraction, she barely had time to notice the shampoo bottle launching a torrent of slime her way. With a single flick of her horn, she sent the goo flying back. It cut right through the nightmare’s plastic shell, dispersing the bottle into dust. Backbeat poked at the spot where it had been for a moment before sprinting away.

“That was so cool!” came the other voice again.

“Who is there?!” Luna yelped, flaring her wings. “Show yourself, cruel nightmare! Thou shalt not harm this mare any longer!”

Two shadowy figures appeared at the end of the alley. “Huh?” said one of them. “Who is thou?” They both stepped forward.

Luna gaped as Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo bounded toward her, manes bouncing with each step. Scootaloo buzzed her wings excitedly. “Hi, Princess! How ya doing?”

“Wha… What are you doing here?” Luna asked. She poked Sweetie Belle in the side, prompting the filly to jump back. “Are you more figments of the Dreamscape?”

The two crusaders exchanged a glance. “I don’t think so?” Sweetie tried, raising a brow. She turned her head back to the alley’s entrance. “Hey Apple Bloom, are we figments?!”

A new filly that Luna did not recognize stepped into view, hauling a large red wagon by her teeth. It was overflowing with toys, sports supplies, and duct tape. So much duct tape. Apple Bloom dropped the wagon’s handle and wiped her head. “What’s a figment?” she called back.

Sweetie shrugged. “I dunno!” She turned back to Luna and smiled. “Hey Princess, what’s a figment?”

“Why—how are you here?” Luna blubbered, looking them up and down. “Is this all of you?”

Sweetie Belle took a moment to count herself, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom. When she finished, she nodded and said, “Yep, we’re all in!” They all high-hoofed. “Cutie Mark Crusader Dreamwalkers, yay!” they cheered in unison before speeding off.

“Wait!” Luna yelped, throwing out a hoof fruitlessly. She sped up to Apple Bloom, who was unloading all of the things in their cart. “Stop that!” She leaped over to Sweetie Belle, who was talking to a snail with fourteen mouths, and slapped her hoof away. “Don’t touch that! You are not supposed to be here—your mortal minds cannot possibly comprehend the Dreamscape’s power!”

“Ooh, what’s this?” Scootaloo babbled, staring at a pulsing purple tear in the ground. She reached a hoof toward it.

Luna saw her from the corner of her eye. “Scootaloo, no!” she screamed, rocketing through the air to where Scootaloo sat.

But it was too late. Scootaloo dipped her hoof into the rift, and within a millisecond, the Dreamscape collapsed. Darkness enveloped the universe, erasing and creating and erasing every being within. Luna could only scream as she felt her body being ripped into mere atoms—

Luna snapped up in bed, literally tearing her sleepmask off. Sweat ran down her neck in torrents, pooling at her rump. She rubbed her eyes. “That was insanity…”

“Heh, yeah, it was pretty crazy!”

She whipped her head to the side, only to find the Cutie Mark Crusaders standing at the side of her bed, covered in scorch marks. Mane still burning, Sweetie held up a glass. “Can we have a glass of water?”