Chapter One: A Helping Hoof.
Chirping, Bloody never ending chirping..Sure some mornings when I wake up I hear the odd early bird chirp a sweet melody but today it sounds like someone has dragged me to the bloody zoo and stuck me in the bird habitat, Now that I mention it I can honestly say to myself brain that I do believe that I am not in my bed but some kind of hard yet crunchy ground of some sorts. I mange to crack open my right eye slowly enough that the ungodly bright sun doesn't blind me but just burns my retinas to fine crisp.
Bright sun? I thought to myself as being an English man I'm more used to grey mornings but all of the sudden the whole United Kingdom is graced with the suns eye melting glow? I instantly know something isn't right, well beside the fact that I am laying on some random patch of earth rather then my warm cosy bed, when I mange to fully open both my eyes and see leaves almost everywhere.
I begin to try and move, the dry brown leaves crunching under the weight I put upon them, into a sitting position to try and get a better view of the strange new place. From what I can now see is that I appear to be within some kind of forest or woods environment due to the amount of trees reaching towards the sky and also the amount of foliage around me, in all truth I have never truly been in a forest before so beside the reason that I have no idea how I got here I am pretty frightened but its more of the fact what I have heard what happens in forest rather the forest itself.
I begin the painstaking task to shuffle my arse over towards some tree stump to give my back some rest and as soon as my back my contact with the stump several loud clicks can be heard, I sink a little after hearing those clicks with a goofy expression on my face, nothing on this planet feels better then cracking ones back joints and feeling the soothing pain that comes after.
"Aww..Yes, that feels good." I mumble to myself from the pleasure I have received from popping some odd joints in my back, after getting comfortable with my sitting position I decided I should most probably check my self for injures that may have gotten since being here so I start with checking below the waist and I take note of my Star War's lazy boy bottoms, I tighten the knots near my stumps to make sure if and when I try moving again I not get them all in a tangled mess.
when I am sure that my lower half hasn't taken any damage I proceed to check my shirt, some random plain blue shirt I wear to sleep at night, for any holes and when I can't find any I end up poking my head down through the shirt to see if my belly and chest have been assaulted in any way, now I wouldn't say I am fat but I do have a fluffy belly that does indeed jiggle sometime and thankfully I don't have moobs so I don't fell to ashamed when I take me shirt off but enough about my pale whit body that strangely has no damage to show. After checking my arms which has a few scratches on them I deicide to finally check out my face.
Unfortunately I don't have a mirror but after feeling my face with my own two hands I learn that I am still beautiful, encase you have forgotten brain I will sum up our appearance we have a kinda chubby face but thankfully no double chin, we have a medium sized half ginger beard and thankfully I am still wearing my glasses which without I wouldn't be able to see out my dirty blue eyes and of course finally we have a medium length light brown hair that I keep in pristine condition.
That's right brain we look like a bearded nerd. I laugh loudly at my own internal monologue which then leads to me coughing violently several times, I wipe some spit from my lips and I start to let my thoughts take a darker turn which indeed happens allot when you are a cynical pessimist who was brought up to see the worst in people such as I , What are we gonna do? We can we do? What are we gonna do about food? We are going to die!?
I let out a loud shout of some of my most random curse words at the idea of my death and the I proceed to smack my head several times in an attempt to beat the thoughts outside of my brain, I stop after a couple minutes and I let out a tired sigh due to the amount of physical and emotional energy it take to beat those thoughts out of my head and of course like any other insane person that thinks beating ones head makes the thoughts go away I begin to talk to myself.
"..How in the queen's name did I get here? Better yet how could I have got here?" I begin to question, how could I have gotten here? walking and driving are out of the question but could someone have brought me here? Was I kidnapped and dumped out here for some sick reason or did I get drunk and somehow managed to find my way here? I sigh and cup my face in both my hands as I try to make some sense of my thoughts but as soon I look back up I am appeared to greeted by the presence of some odd looking beast.
Blinking a few times I try and get a better look at the creature only a few feet away from me, unfortunately the creature hasn't full come into my view so at the moment all I can see is some pink fur sticking out a near by bush. Now other people may have gotten up and runaway but since that my legs are stumps I can't so I am stuck on the ground waiting for some pink monster to jump out, rip me to shreds and eat my eye balls from the sockets and finally the creature pushes through the bushes and...
I've been drugged is all that comes to mind when my eyes meet the large round blue eyes of Fluttershy and as we stare into one another's gateways to our souls I admit that at the moment my brain is squealing and screaming like a British girl meeting Tomska for the first time, during this internal battle within myself I fail notice that the ponies once shocked gaze has soften and a small but kind smile appears on her lips as she takes a few strides to get to my side.
Upon reaching my side she places a gentle hoof onto my thigh and lets out a soft cooing noise and this causes me to stare her in the eyes, a cold gaze that would make dead men flinch and face becomes almost the void of all emotion like someone has taken a cod and slapped me with it several times, now I don't know what other people would do in this situation but my legs are kinda sensitive so after a few seconds of her touching my leg I let out a short but sweet pained noise which causes her to gain back her worried expression.
"Oh dear! Are you alright little guy?" she ask's me in the most cutest worried tone I have ever heard, her voice manges to melt both my heart and other corresponding organs though at the same time I still feel worried, I mean sure I know she is the element kindness brain but to blindly go to some random creature side that she know nothing about just seems odd to me though maybe its because back home I wouldn't really except that kind of kindness so I take in a deep breath and answer here as politely as I can.
"Oi! Get your bloody filthy hoof off me and don't you dare call me little again ya yellow cow!" I say with a little to much venom pouring from my lips and suffice to say that it only took me to say bloody before she fainted right on my lap and yes I know every single Fluttershy fan I might have just been a little loud and mean but in my defence you kinda get cranky when you wake up alone in the woods and meet ya least favourite character from ya favourite show.
So now I am sitting down on some random piece of earth with a meek yellow pony draped across my lap, of course I tried to wake her up but my efforts were fruitless and now to seek some comfort for myself I am petting her smooth mane which might I add brain feels like silk between my fingers, so now all I have to do is wait for her to wake and apologize or she might freak out and run off either way I am tired so I begin to let myself drift off to the land of sleep.
-- End Chapter One. --
