Tank was an awesome tortoise and he knew it. How did he know this?
Well, first of all, he had an awesome owner—Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash was the awesomest owner a tortoise could have. He had saved her from a rock using his awesome tortoise strength.
Secondly, he had a pair of pimp shades. Every awesome tortoise had a pair of pimp shades. It was just a fact of life. Awesome tortoises had pimp shades. Everyone knew that.
Third of all, he had helicopter blades attached to his back. He didn’t know any other tortoises that had helicopter blades attached to their back. The fact that he didn’t know any other tortoises was irrelevant.
Lastly, he had just been teleported to a place that seemed to be made of stars and Princess Luna was standing in front of him. This was outside of his field of experience but quickly deduced it to be awesome because it was happening to him.
The princess was looking at him, taking in his awesome tortoiseness. She seemed to be drinking in every inch of his hunky tortoise self, lost in his maleness. She pursed her lips, then spoke.
“Tank, is it?”
Tank quickly threw on his pimp shades. “Yes, baby?”
“Good, you can understand me,” Luna said with a giggle. “At least some things haven’t changed. Do you know why you’re here?”
Tank looked around, taking in his celestially funkadelic surroundings. “Probably because I’m so undisputably awesome, girl.”
Luna put a hoof to her mouth and chuckled. “Quite the charmer, aren’t you?” she said as she rested her hoof. “I haven’t been called a girl in ages—oh, but we’re getting off track. You can shower me with compliments later.”
“No probs, honey,” Tank said as he pointed a foot at her and winked. She probably couldn’t see it through his pimp shades, but he knew you always winked at a fly honey.
Luna tittered. “Oh, honey, that’s a new one.” Luna then cleared her throat and collected herself. “Anyway, the reason you are here is because you rescued one of the Element Bearers from certain death some time ago. Do you remember that?”
“Yeah, I remember that. I pushed a rock off of her wing with my awesome tortoise strength!”
Luna nodded. “Yes, that incident, where afterwards my sister enchanted some blades to grant you flight.”
“Yeah, that was pretty dope,” Tank said with a sigh. “By the way, your sister’s got a sweet rump. Any chance of her coming around here anytime soon?”
“No, I’m afraid her presence would be pointless, for she cannot talk to animals,” Luna said. “I am here to grant you—”
Princess Luna arched an eyebrow at Tank. “Did you just say my sister had a… sweet rump?”
Tank nodded. “Yeah, I did. Because she does.”
“But what about—” Luna shook her head. “Anyway, for your supreme act of friendship, I am here to grant you the greatest gift ponykind has to offer.”
“A date with you?”
“A date with me?” Luna asked as she chortled and put a hoof to her chest. “Oh, no, although I’m quite flattered that you think that’s the greatest gift we have to offer.”
“No probs, babe.”
“Likewise,” Luna said with a smile. “No, the greatest gift we have to offer is alicornhood, although in your case you wouldn’t become an alicorn.”
Tank’s heart leapt in his chest. He thought she had just said that he would become an alicorn, selectively ignoring the noise after the word ‘alicornhood’.
“Excuse me?” he asked, playing it cool.
“That’s right. You would not become an alicorn. Although after playing around with the language a bit, Celestia and I have decided that the proper nomenclature for what you would become is a ‘torticorn’.”
“Torticorn?”
“That is correct,” Luna said with a curt nod.
“So that means… horn, wings, the whole shebang.”
“Most certainly.”
“But I’d still be my awesome tortoise self.”
“Indeed you would.”
“Well,” Tank said as he removed his shades, “what are we waiting for? Let’s get this show on the road!”
“We probably should,” Luna said as her horn glowed cerulean.
“Just do me one favor,” Tank said.
“And what would that be?”
“Stay beautiful.”
Luna blushed. “Don’t worry. I will.”
Tank came to inside of Rainbow Dash’s awesome cloud home. He looked around, noticing a certain… energy that hadn’t been present before, swiveling his head back to notice a wing sticking out of his shell. He flapped it, stoked that he was indeed even more awesome than before. He turned his head to face an apple his totally awesome owner had laid out for him. He steeled his gaze at the apple.
Well, time to see how awesome I really am!
He reached out with the new energy afforded to him, gently grasping the apple in his awesome torticorn magic. Lifting it was an issue, though, as he struggled with the unfamiliar weight, finally hoisting it into the air. Levitating it over to his mouth proved to be a much easier task as he effortlessly floated it over and took a triumphant bite of the apple, feeling the juice dribble down his chin in victory.
He heard the door open behind him. “Hey, Tank, I’m back from—” Rainbow Dash said before he heard a thud of what he assumed to be goods from her weekly market run.
“Are those… wings? And a horn?”
Tank looked back and nodded, taking in his owner’s flabbergasted expression as he took another bite of his apple.
Rainbow’s look of shock spread into a wide grin as she dashed in and hugged Tank. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh, you really are the most awesome best pet ever!”
Yeah, I know, Tank thought as he basked in the adulation of his owner and took another bite of his apple.
