Bites: Short Tales of Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and The Royal Naptime Lawby TheAnonymousTChaptersBite 0: The Royal Naptime beginsBite 2: MathBite 3: PrincessBite 5: MadnessBite 6: PortalBite 7: ParadoxBite 8: TreeBite 1: HairsprayBite 4: RainBite 0: The Royal Naptime beginsPrincess Luna was sitting by the fireplace in her sleeping chambers, sipping tea and filling out some of her more dull paperwork. She didn't have any royal duties to attend to today because there would be some sort of royal Parliament meeting...thingy. Luna didn't know much about it honestly, except that a lot had changed in terms of Equestrian government structure in the last thousand years. Nowadays there was something about...balance of power and parliaments and written law. Celestia had assigned her heaps of reading on it all, but Luna had never liked reading. Besides, all she needed to know was that for whatever reason, it was now forbidden for Princesses to create their own laws. Quite the shame, really. A scroll popped into view, causing her to spill tea all over herself and the stack of papers she had lying in front of her. Luna certainly enjoyed writing with Twilight Sparkle, having built a bond with her during Nightmare Night back in Ponyville, but she could never get used to the way Twilight sent letters to her and her sister. Since Twilight had attended and participated in the...parliament thingy, she was probably writing to Luna about how it went. Which was strange—usually she would write to Celestia about such things, but perhaps Twilight had something to share with Luna especially. Dear Princess Luna, The Royal Parliament session was absolutely wonderful. I love having a say in the legislative portion of the constitutional democracy that is the Sovereign Republic of Equestria. Being so involved in the Equestrian government makes me feel like I'm on my way to becoming a real Princess! Luna noted to herself that, in case Celestia insisted on enforcing Luna to learn about all of this government stuff, to kidnap Twilight and bribe her into writing any papers or taking any tests for her. Anyway, I'm actually just writing to tell you that 1) I'm sorry and 2) I voted against it. Yours, Twilight Sparkle. Sorry for what? And voted against what? Suddenly, ten members of the Royal Guard, accompanied by an old-looking stallion with a curly white powdered wig, whose name and occupation Luna could not remember despite Celestia forcing her to learn about him just last week, entered the room. As the members of the Royal Guard proceeded to load an at this point extremely confused Princess Luna into a Royal Chariot, the stallion read from a scroll: “By amendment thirty-one of section four of paragraph one of article five hundred ninety-two, the Equestrian Parliament decrees that the Royal Naptime shall be, as of now for exactly one week, be taken into effect.” “NO! STOP!” Luna yelled. “My most sincere apologies, your Highness,” an overseeing officer of the Royal Guard said as he bowed to her. “But it is the written law.” “THEN BURN THE WRITTEN LAW!” Princess Luna boomed as she switched to the Canterlot Royal Voice. “Uh...” the overseeing officer shuffled his feet nervously. “That would be treason, your Highness.” “THEN AS THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT, I HEREBY DECLARE THIS CURSED AMENDMENT TO BE PUT OUT OF EFFECT!” Princess Luna paused. What was that word again? Ah, yes-- “VETO!” she bellowed. “VETO! VETO!” Princess Luna stopped speaking as she noticed that nopony was listening to her. The elderly stallion with the scroll had disappeared and the members of the Royal Guard were calmly lugging her chariot through the castle. “I SAID VEEEEETO!” Princess Luna bellowed again, especially enunciating the word in case everypony misheard. “V-E-T-O!” she spelled, clearly agitated as she switched back to her regular voice. “Why isn't anypony listening to me?” “It is a special decree of the Parliament, dear Sister,” Princess Celestia said calmly as her chariot, being pulled as well, rounded a corner and moved alongside Luna's. “It is the written law and was appointed almost unanimously. We have no choice. We must abide.” “Which law, dear Sister?” Luna asked. “The Royal Naptime law,” Celestia said gravely. “Which states, if I may summarize: Princess Celestia and Princess Luna must go to the Royal Naptime location, where they shall take a Royal Break and do absolutely Royal Nothing for one Royal Week.” A few unicorns, one of them the Captain of the Royal Guard himself, fired beams of magic at a tree that immediately widened into a gate-like entrance. “The Royal Naptime location, your Highnesses!” a guard announced. The princesses were levitated out of their chariots and in front of the portal, side by side. “We shall see you in a week.” “This is absolutely ridiculous!” Luna exclaimed. “I demand to see my lawyer!” “Your lawyer is a member of the Royal Parliament and strong advocate of the Royal Naptime law,” Celestia said. “Then I demand to have him executed!” “I retract that command,” Celestia said quickly to the Captain of the Royal Guard. “'Twasn't a command, 'twas a demand!” “Your Highnesses? The portal?” a guard asked, cocking his head towards it. “Ah, yes. Of course,” Celestia said calmly. Pushing a scrambling Luna in front of her, she quickly bode farewell to the guards, who would pick them up in a week's time. “STOP! IN THE NAME OF EQUESTRIA, I DEMAND YOU TO STOP!” Luna yelled, thrashing about, but being physically smaller than Celestia, she was not able to prevent the inevitable. With a strange whooshing sound, the two sisters fell through the portal. – They awoke at the same tree in the Gardens near the Entrance. The members of the Royal guard that brought them to the portal, however, were gone. In fact, nopony was in around. From what Luna could tell, she and her sister were transported to a weak magical copy of their Castle, along with the immediate surrounding area. A weak magical copy would be a breeze to overload. Luna took an aggressive stance, kneeling low into her haunches as she lit her horn and prepared to force herself, as well as Celestia, out of their prison. “Luna! What are you doing?” Celestia exclaimed, and quickly rushed over to her sister and wet the tip of her horn. “We must escape this dreadful prison!” Luna said. “I was simply doing such, dear Sister.” “No, Luna,” Celestia said calmly. “The law requires of us that we stay here for a week.” “THEN THE LAW IS WRONG!” Luna exclaimed. Celestia put a hoof on her younger sister's shoulder. “The Parliament passed this law for a reason, Luna. Everypony needs a break from their occupation occasionally. The Royal Naptime law was put in place to ensure that we Princesses receive a break as well. Our so-called “prison” is merely the means necessary to ensure proper privacy during our vacation time.” “You...you like this?” Luna asked, clearly revolted. “The time is rather inconvenient for me, as I had other plans for next week and projects in session. But now that it is in effect, I suppose I shall use the time to take a relaxing week off. Perhaps I shall read a few books, or catch up on sleep. I would suggest for you to do the same, dear Sister.” Celestia looked at Luna, who had The Look on her face. “You are going to do the same, right?” Celestia asked quickly. Oh, no. The Look was a look Celestia knew well. It was a look that combined giddiness, malice and mischief. It was a look that Celestia...actually hadn't seen in a long time. Not since before the rise of Nightmare Moon. But that was beside the point. The point was, The Look never meant good news. Luna grinned slowly. “We shall certainly enjoy ourselves, dear Sister. That is certain.” As Luna galloped into the castle, Celestia could only stand still and groan. Luna sporting The Look and talking about ENJOYING herself? The last time Luna had enjoyed herself, the entire Royal Guard had been turned a jarring shade of neon blue for a month. It would be chaos this week. Only that was certain. Bite 2: MathFor the last past few hours, Luna had been awfully...quiet. The silence was unnerving, frankly, given the kind of antics Celestia usually had been putting up with. After searching half of the castle, Celestia found Luna in her room sitting at a desk, hunched over a scroll and writing furiously with a feathered quill. This couldn't be good. “Luna, what are you doing?” Celestia asked cautiously. “Math, my sister,” Luna said pensively, not taking her eyes off of the paper. “Math.” “May I see?” Celestia asked slowly. “Hush,” Luna said softly. “A genius is at work.” Celestia trotted over to the desk and looked over her sister's shoulder and watched as Luna carefully scripted integral signs, paying careful attention to their elongated “S” shape. Once she was finished she quickly scrawled a few greek letters and parenthesis signs to the right and filled in numbers above and below each integral sign. “The integral from zero to pi over three of the integral from one to twice the cosine of theta...of the function r cubed...dr d theta is equal to...hm...” Luna mused, writing furiously beneath the problem. Celestia tried to catch a glimpse of what Luna was writing, but her hoof was covering most of it. “Aha!” Luna exclaimed suddenly. “The cosine has been doubled!” She furiously crossed out everything she had written, except the problem itself, and started from scratch. After a few minutes, Luna let out a cry of “Eureka!” in triumph, allowing her quill to fly out of her magic's grasp backwards, hitting a slightly disgruntled Celestia. “I solved the problem, dear Sister! The answer is seven sixteenths of the square root of three plus five twelfths of pi!” Celestia, having had quite the mathematical training from back in the days of the alas never successful Equestrian Space Program, took a look at Luna's solution curiously. Luna leaned back in her chair, crossing her forehooves proudly. “Luna...” Celestia said. “This...is a three line solution.” “Pure elegance!” Luna rejoiced. “Yes, but--” Celestia said slowly. “The first line...is just the problem. The last line is merely your solution. But all the second line says is...'blood, sweat and tears'.” “Oh, yes, one of my finer proof techniques,” Luna said. “I sometimes write BSAT for short.” “But—that's not even real math!” Celestia exclaimed. “One cannot just write random numbers down and proclaim them to be the answer! That is...blasphemy!” “Do you mean mathsphemy?” Luna said, giggling. Celestia groaned. “This is no time for puns, Sister. Here—let me show you how it's done.” Celestia picked the quill up from off the floor and copied the problem carefully onto a new section of scroll. She carefully evaluated the inner integral, then the outer integral, writing each step as she went. Simplifying, she at last came to her answer after about five minutes of deliberate calculation and two minutes of careful checks. “Seven sixteenth of the square root of three plus five twelfths of pi!” she proclaimed triumphantly. Luna giggled. “That's what I said!” Celestia compared her answer to her sister's. Sure enough, they were identical. “How...?” “Blood, sweat and tears,” Luna said mysteriously. Suddenly, Celestia didn't even want to know. Bite 3: Princess“Celly, what are you doing?” Celestia put down her quill in annoyance. Luna had interrupted her train of thought. She quickly shut the scrolls she had been writing in them, shoving them all to a corner, revealing the dark wood of the desk that matched the ornately carved walls and ceiling of this particular study. “Working,” she said unpleasantly, hoping Luna would get the message to leave her alone. “You're not supposed to be working, you know. This is your vacation time,” Luna emphasized. “Yes, but this is different.” “How so?” Luna cocked her head curiously. “Nopony can know about this except you and me,” Celestia said patiently. She wasn't actually feeling patient in the slightest, but a thousand years of being the sole ruler of Equestria and thus being responsible for the fate of the entire nation 100% of the time tended to do that to a pony. “Are you talking about that time when you and Mr. Cake--” Luna started to ask but was cut off by Celestia. “I thought we were never to speak of that again,” she said quickly. “Anyway, it's not that. It's about Twilight. About her becoming a Princess.” “What about it?” Luna cocked her head. Twilight had always been considered as the most likely candidate for a future Princess ever since she was able to wield the Elements of Harmony to defeat, well...her. And ever since Twilight had succeeded with the task of protecting the Crystal Empire and banishing Kind Sombra for good, she and Celestia had known that Twilight's time would come soon. What they could not agree upon, however, was how soon. “I'm just not sure if she's ready yet.” “That's why we agreed to wait for a certain number of moons before giving the spell to her to complete,” Luna said. “And that time is up, as of next week,” Celestia said. “It's just—there's so much I have to teach her still. Even if we would have had this week, I don't know if it would have been enough.” “She already knows so much,” Luna said. “In plenty of aspects, far more than me. Just look at her politics! Or her contributions to scientific research!” “Yes, but--” “It would be fantastic to have Twilight a Princess!” Luna continued. “Ever since I've known her she's shown exceptional leadership qualities, whether with her friends or with all of Ponyville. She's already the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria; she would really be able to utilize the Alicorn magic that comes with Princesshood. She's protected Equestria from danger for countless times. And besides all of that, she's a great pony! Overall she's the perfect candidate! If you ask me, she should have been made a princess sooner!” “But there's still so much I need to teach her,” Celestia said softly, her voice cracking. “You needn't worry,” Luna said comfortingly. “Besides, after she becomes a Princess, you can still offer her advice.” Celestia bowed her head, subtly hiding her facial expression. Luna, not knowing what to say, stayed silent. It was clear that her sister had hardened over the years that she was gone and had probably not cried in centuries. Luna nuzzled her sister softly before Celestia took a deep breath, attempted to collect herself and took a step back. “Over the years, I feel like the bond between Twilight Sparkle and me has continuously grown,” Celestia said softly. “I always tried to be there for her, since as she grew older and enrolled in the Academy, her parents and brother increasingly weren't. I would teach her magic, let her sit in some political discussions, educated her about the world. I watched her grow from a young, excited filly to a wonderful mare, and even after she moved to Ponyville and found friends, we still stayed in close correspondence.” Luna nodded, but Celestia did not see the gesture, turning her head away from Luna towards the window. “We still met up every other Tuesday in Canterlot,” Celestia said quietly. “She would take the train to Canterlot and meet me for tea and cookies in this very room. We would discuss friendship lessons and her studies and politics. And yesterday--” Celestia's voice cracked slightly and she took a deep breath, begging herself not to cry. “Yesterday was one of those Tuesdays. She was so busy preparing for the Parliament session that she forgot to tell me she couldn't make it in time.” This wasn't just about tea and cookies. Luna opened her mouth slightly in realization. “It would have been the last time. The last time before...” her voice trailed off awkwardly. “Ever since—“ Celestia choked slightly on her words, “--a while ago, I had been dreading the day that Twilight would outgrow me as well. But now it seems to already have passed.” Ever since when? Luna decided not to pry, she certainly didn't want to make her sister feel any more upset. “You needn't worry, dear Sister,” Luna said. “Twilight respects you just as always, and her new duties will only bring her closer to you. You will have so much to teach her about being a Princess, she so much to learn from you.” “But it won't be the same,” Celestia whispered, bowing her head. “I'll miss my most faithful student.” Bite 5: Madness“Good morning, Luna,” Celestia greeted, walking into the Royal Breakfast Hall where she found Luna sitting down, eating an apple. “STOP THE MADNESS!” Luna yelled. Celestia blinked. “I just said--” “STOP THE MADNESS, I SAY!” Luna bellowed. Celestia blinked again. (It was early; she was tired.) “THE MADNESS! THERE'S SO MUCH OF IT! IT NEED TO BE STOPPED!” Luna bellowed, this time using her Royal Canterlot voice. Celestia yawned, rubbed her eyes and backed away slowly out the door. It was too early to be around all of this...Luna-ness. Maybe she'd come back in an hour. Bite 6: Portal“CURSES!” Luna screamed, for what for Celestia felt like the hundredth time. All Celetsia wanted was a peaceful morning, sipping tea and reading for pleasure by the fireplace, but obviously Luna would not allow it. Wondering what in Equestria could get Luna so worked up, Celetsia decided to go investigate. Luna was in one of their sitting rooms, hunched over some strange box-like device that appeared to be made of metal. Celestia had never seen anything like it before and so she assumed it was another of her sister's oddball creations. Luna did not appear to be building or repairing the strange device, however. Instead she was pressing tiny buttons on some sort of typewriter-like pad with one hoof and operating an odd, almost ball-shaped implement wildly with the other hoof. Both the pad and the ball were connected to the metal box with thin black ropes. “CURSES!” Luna screamed again, slapping her hoof against the ball wildly, causing it to make odd clicking noises every time she hit it. “NOT AGAIN—ah, how relieving. A checkpoint.” “Luna...?” Celestia asked cautiously. Luna, staring intently at the box, did not see her sister, despite Celestia standing only a few feet in front of her. “Luna...?” “CURSES!” Luna shrieked. “A VICTIM OF GOO ONCE AGAIN!” Celestia was a little worried for the mental health of the Princess of the Night. “Luna...?” “Yes, my Sister?” Luna asked absentmindedly as she hit the typewriter pad with her left hoof. “What are you doing?” Luna started hitting the ball repeatedly with her right hoof. “NO!! I WANT A BLUE PORTAL, NOT AN ORANGE ONE!” After a moment she turned her attention away from the metal box. “I'm playing a game,” she said. “It's quite enjoyable. Come have a look.” Luna beckoned her sister to her side of the metal box as she hit a key on the typewriter pad and focused once again on the metal box. A quite confused Celestia trotted to the other side of the desk where to her surprise the metal box was not made of metal, but many bright colors that constantly changed. There was slanted text printed on the bottom edge of the colors, but it was printed to small for Celestia to read. The metal box appeared to be some sort of advanced magical device that reproduced another pony's vision onto a miniature movie-like screen. Celestia watched as the pony walked through a room to a ledge. Rather than stopping, however, the pony jumped and was falling down to the light grey tiled ground. “No!” Celestia cried out. “We have to save them!” Luna let out a short laugh as she hit the ball with her right hoof once. Out of nowhere a blue oval appeared directly before the falling pony's feet. Instead of dying, a slightly dizzy Celestia watched the room spin and reorient itself for the pony. Instead of falling straight down, they were now gently flying through the air. A few short seconds later, the pony softly landed in another section of the light grey room. At this point Celestia was very confused. “So the pony can fly? But why would a pegasus pony jump from such a height without breaking their fall with their wings? That doesn't make any sense. Where is this pony? This odd room looks like a prison cell. Maybe when we get back to Canterlot, we should send out a rescue team for them.” Luna, who had been concentrating on the game this whole time, suddenly shrieked and lept backward as the screen flashed and the pony collapsed to the ground. Celestia gasped. “Is she dead? What happened? Why can we still still see her surroundings, even though the vision channel should be terminated? Why--” Luna tapped a key and the pony sprung back to life, much to Celestia's confusion. “Don't worry, sister,” she said kindly. “I've got everything under control. How about you go back to your room and busy yourself with an activity from your own century? Like a book, or a piece of parchment, or maybe a clay tablet.” Celestia backed out of the room slowly. It would probably be for the best. Bite 7: Paradox“And for my next trick,” Luna announced with a dramatic swish of her midnight blue cape, adorned with stars, “I shall assemble one apple into two apples!” Celestia raised an eyebrow. “You mean take one apple, conjure a cloud of smoke, preform a spell to materialize a second apple and then remove the smoke? Don't do that, that's much too predictable. Besides--” “--materializing goods out of thin air is forbidden because it'll crash the Equestrian Stock Market,” Luna droned on. “Yes, exactly,” Celestia said with a sniff. Finally Luna had remembered some laws of common courtesy. “But do not worry, dear sister! My trick shall involve none of this!” Luna swished her cape once more, causing her matching wizard's hat to topple to the ground. A bunny poked its head outside of the depths of the midnight blue hat, looked around the room and then quickly scampered off. Ruffled, Luna readjusted her cape and put her hat back on. “Does it involve a bunny?” Celestia asked boredly. “That was going to be my second-to-last trick,” Luna said matter of factly. “Anyway—I was about to assemble this apple--” Luna removed an apple from her prop bag and set it on the table “--into two apples!” “Go on.” Celestia leaned forward. Without using any simple materialization spells, this could get very interesting. Luna hovered the apple in the air with her magic as she carefully cut the apple into five pieces. “And now!” she exclaimed, “I shall assemble these five pieces into two apples!” Sure enough, Celestia watched as the five pieces fit together...into two apples. “Ta da!” Luna chanted. “But—what—you--” Celestia stuttered. “You changed the pieces, didn't you? Made them bigger while I wasn't looking! Or you brought another apple! Or maybe the other apple isn't there, it's just an illusion! This doesn't make any sense! That...that's not scientifically possible! You're not scientifically possible!” Luna put a hoof on her sister's mouth. “It really works, Sister. Try it out for yourself.” Luna let Celestia take over her magical grip on the apples and watched calmly as Celestia broke the apples back apart into their five pieces...slowly turned them around, inspecting them...before fitting them back together into...one apple. Extremely confused at that point, Celestia broke apart the apple into the familiar five pieces and reassembled them into two apples. “See?” Luna said, giggling. “I—but—this—how does this even work?” “A magician never reveals her secrets,” Luna said mysteriously. “But I will tell you that it wouldn't be possible without the Axiom of Choice.” Author's Note This is a real thing: it's called the Banach Tarski Paradox. Paradox: Part 2 coming soon to device with an internet connection near you! Bite 8: TreeBefore them stood an ancient tree, branches as thick as a pony looming off in different directions, thick green foliage providing perfect shade for the ground underneath. Standing under it made a pony feel like the tree was as tall as the castle itself. The ancient oak tree had been one of the few trees that had not been cut down during the construction of the Canterlot Castle and was the only tree to survive. “Why are we here again?” Luna complained. “I wanted to watch a movie!” “The last movie we watched was ridiculous,” Celestia said. “This idea is much better.” “What, a tree?” Luna asked disdainfully. “Don't you remember? This isn't just any tree,” Celestia explained. “When we were fillies, we used to come here quite often. I have many memories of us at this tree. And even as we grew older, before we were Princesses and before the Castle was even built, I used to come here whenever I was upset or wanted to be alone. It was my happy place. Nowadays I can't go there without feeling swarmed by all of the other ponies from Canterlot who go on walks through the gardens, so I figured it would be nice to have it to ourselves for once.” “When you refer to this tree as a 'happy place', it sounds like you're a psychologically disturbed pony who goes to this tree every time you're on the cusp of killing somepony else,” Luna said casually. Celestia chose to ignore her sister's remark. “Come—I'll show you my favorite branch!” Eagerly, Celestia flew up to a thick branch about twenty feet off of the ground. Landing was difficult—being larger than before, perching herself on the branch was a difficult task. Eventually she managed to awkwardly shuffle her legs into a position comfortable enough not to send her hooves to sleep at once. Luna copied her, sitting beside her. “This is pleasant, isn't it?” Luna said sarcastically. “My hind legs are scraped and I can feel my hooves falling asleep.” “So it may be more uncomfortable for grown ponies than it was for me as a child,” Celestia said. “No matter. You'll probably stop feeling it after a while, once you get used to the sensation,” “I'll stop feeling it alright—once the circulation in my legs is entirely cut off,” Luna said bitterly. “They're numbing away already! I can feel them tingling!” As she spoke, Celestia's legs started to tingle with numbness as well. She rearranged them hastily, only to get scraped by the rough bark of the tree. She bit back some rather un-Princess-like words. Even if Luna was the only other pony here, she did have a reputation to uphold. Celestia instead decided to distract herself by looking out towards the castle grounds. “Look over there, Sister,” she said quietly. “To think that two thousand years ago, there were no giant towers, walls or gardens—just a peaceful meadow and a hill. It's amazing, how everything changes so fast.” “Eew,” Luna said, squirming. “Oh, sorry sister—I got some tree sap on my hooves. Do continue what you were saying.” “But despite all this change, it's still the same peaceful meadow,” she said. “Listen.” For a minute or so, neither sister said a word. They watched the landscape around them slowly darken as the sunset into the mountains behind them. Celestia closed her eyes, feeling the tranquility of her surroundings envelop her. She exhaled as she slowly floated through the pitch black space of her mind, completely serene. Luna inhaled sharply, destroying the peacefulness like a stone causing ripples in a smooth pond. “Did you hear that, Sister?” she asked urgently. Celestia cracked open an eye to gaze at her sister. “I heard nothing,” she said, letting impatience creep into her voice. “Nothing except silence.” “No, I'm certain I heard something,” Luna said. “It was some sort of squeaking noise.” “I heard nothing,” Celestia repeated. “Listen, Sister—can you not just sit with me in silence? Please?” Luna, hearing the plea in Celestia's words obeyed. She too closed her eyes and the two sat, in silence in their own worlds of darkness, hearing nothing but the soft sounds of the forest in the setting sun. There was a muffled squeaking noise. “This time I am positive that I heard something squeaking,” said Luna, interrupting for the second time a disgruntled Celestia. “It came from that way,” she said, pointing to the tree trunk. “But I am positive that it was absolutely nothing,” said Celestia. “For this tree is nothing short of tranquility itself. It has survived thousands of years of weather, of beavers and woodpeckers; it was even spared during the building of the Canterlot Castle. Despite all that Equestria—and I—have lived through, it has always been there, growing slowly yet unchanging like the stars in the night sky.” Luna muttered disagreeably. “We've shared so many memories here,” Celestia pleaded. “For instance—Do you remember where we built our first treehouse?” “This tree,” Luna muttered, rolling her eyes slightly. “On which tree's branches were we perched upon when we earned our cutie marks and discovered we could command the sun and moon?” “This tree's,” Luna said. “And when Discord first came into power and reeked a week-long lightning storm throughout Canterlot, where did we hide?” “It wasn't a good idea but it was under this tree,” Luna said. “Listen, Celly—I'm sorry. I now realize how much meaning this tree has for you. If it makes things any better, I do remember all of those things. It had just never occurred to me that they had all happened at the same tree—at this same tree. But now that I know that, that gives this tree—not to mention all of those memories—so much more meaning!” Celestia flew up from her perch to hug her sister briefly. “Thank you for understanding,” she said softly, before landing back on the other side of the branch, directly next to the tree trunk. “This really is peaceful,” Luna murmured with her eyes closed. Just as Celestia was about to close her eyes, she heard a noise. A skittering, squeaking noise. She looked to her left, towards the tree trunk, saw two glossy red marbles peeking out of a whole in the ancient trunk, reflecting the light of the slowly rising moon. “EEEEK! A RAT!” Princess Celestia, Goddess of Equestria shrieked, as she in one swift movement lept off of the branch into the air, unfolded her wings and flew away from the dreaded sight. “EW EW EW EW GROSS!!!!” “EEEEW! WHERE?” Luna said, opening her eyes and rubbing them madly, attempting to unfold her wings that were sticky with tree sap. She glanced to her left. “EEEEK! A RAT! OH, I TOLD YOU I HEARD SOMETHING?” “HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT WAS A RAT?” Celestia squealed as the vermin slowly climbed onto their branch. “OH, EW EW EW IT'S ON OUR BRANCH!” “EW EW EW!” Luna shrieked, after a few flaps of her wings becoming airborne. “OH MY GOODNESS LOOK DOWN THERE!” she yelled, pointing with her hoof down to the bottom of the tree trunk. There she saw a huge hole, about as wide as a school filly, filled with glistening red dots and the occasional silver flashes of teeth. “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!” Celestia screamed again. “THAT'S LIKE, TWENTY RATS! EW EW EW!” “I HATE RATS!” Luna wailed. “AND EEEEEEW THEY'RE CLIMBING THE TREE! THEY'RE ALL OVER IT! EW EW EW EW!” “I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” Celestia wailed. With a powerful push of her wings she dashed back toward the castle. Luna, wings flapping madly, followed close behind. As they approached the front doors of the castle, the two sisters landed. “That, was, disgusting,” Luna said, panting. “You're telling me,” said Celestia. “And to think I was enjoying myself. A rat infested tree!” “Rats are the most disgusting creatures, ever,” Luna said. The two sisters shuddered in unison. “Well, when our Royal Vacation is over, I know the first tree I'll have the Royal Gardening Department cut down,” Celestia said. “There are memories, and then there are horrifying things that, no matter the sentimental value, are horrible abominations that should burn in a firey pit in Tartarus.” Luna nodded vigorously. “Agreed, sister. Agreed.” Author's Note Obvious Modern Family reference I just had to make. Sorry in advance. Bite 1: Hairspray“Why, dear Sister?” Celestia asked. They were standing in the Castle's Royal Workshed. Celestia had entered the room to complain about the loud noises, that were interrupting her attempts to enjoy a good book and a cup of tea. But then she had seen Luna building...something. “The question is not why build an industrial sized needle,” Luna said calmly as she repeatedly thrusted the blunt tip of the twenty foot tall needle at the bit of cloth, sadly to no avail. “The question is why not.” “Why not banish you to the moon for another thousand years?” Celestia muttered under her breath. “I heard that!” – Celestia returned to the workshed a few hours later, surprised to find Luna still hard at work putting the finishing touches on... “Seriously?” she asked. Luna turned around, grinning. “After everypony—and by everypony, I mean you—reacted so astonishingly well to my industrial sized needle, I decided to expand my product line,” Luna explained. “Over there is my industrial sized thread,” she said, gesturing to a thick rope wound about a forty foot tall stainless steel spool, “To its right is my industrial sized thimble,” she said, gesturing to a twenty foot tall mound of stainless steel speckled in dimples that looked like an upside down trash can. “Why, Luna?” Celestia asked in a pained tone. “You know what I said to you about asking that question!” Luna sang. “Now be quiet,” she scolded. “There's still one masterpiece to unveil.” Celestia groaned as she turned her attention to the last of the three gigantic items. Unlike the others, this one was draped in a gigantic white cloth. “And to the right of that is...drumroll please!” Luna drummed her hooves as quickly as she could, but being a rather uncoordinated pony it sounded more like the pitter-pattering of a light rain shower. The huge white cloth glowed suddenly with Luna's magical aura as she flung the cloth to the side. “Ta da!” Luna sang. “My industrial sized fifty foot tall one-of-a-kind enemy-freezing hairspray,” she said, gesturing to a ridiculously large can of hairspray whose nozzle alone was at least five times as big as any pony. Celestia facehoofed. “You really need to stop reading all of those comic books.” Bite 4: Rain“It's raining, it's pouring, the old mare is snoring...” Luna sang. “Luna?” “Yes, Celly?” “What in Equestria are you singing?” “A rain song, of course!” Luna giggled and continued to sing. “She went to bed and cracked her head and didn't get up in the morning.” “Um, Luna, you do know that--” Luna began to sing another verse. “Becaaaause she cracked her head; Overnight it really bled..” “Luna! Stop singing! This doesn't make any sense!” Celestia said loudly. “The ambulance came and what a shame; for the old mare wa-as dead dead dead!” “LUUUUNA!” Celestia yelled. Luna stopped singing. “But...but there are four more verses! Oh, well you must not like that one. I'll just sing a different one.” She took a deep breath. “Rain, rain, go away...come back some other day...little Celly doesn't want to play...because she's an old mare who's going GREEEEEEY!” she sang the last few words in quick succession, singing the last note with such a high pitch that a few heavily stained glass windows broke, revealing the outside. “How did you like my improvisation? I thought it was very creative.” “Luna!” Celestia said loudly. “Your singing is quite interesting,” she started hesitatingly. Luna beamed. “But there is one thing...” Celestia said slowly. “Yes?” “IT'S. NOT. RAINING.” Celestia said with vigor. Luna turned her head slowly to the broken window and looked outside to the cloudless blue sky. “Oh.”
Bite 0: The Royal Naptime beginsPrincess Luna was sitting by the fireplace in her sleeping chambers, sipping tea and filling out some of her more dull paperwork. She didn't have any royal duties to attend to today because there would be some sort of royal Parliament meeting...thingy. Luna didn't know much about it honestly, except that a lot had changed in terms of Equestrian government structure in the last thousand years. Nowadays there was something about...balance of power and parliaments and written law. Celestia had assigned her heaps of reading on it all, but Luna had never liked reading. Besides, all she needed to know was that for whatever reason, it was now forbidden for Princesses to create their own laws. Quite the shame, really. A scroll popped into view, causing her to spill tea all over herself and the stack of papers she had lying in front of her. Luna certainly enjoyed writing with Twilight Sparkle, having built a bond with her during Nightmare Night back in Ponyville, but she could never get used to the way Twilight sent letters to her and her sister. Since Twilight had attended and participated in the...parliament thingy, she was probably writing to Luna about how it went. Which was strange—usually she would write to Celestia about such things, but perhaps Twilight had something to share with Luna especially. Dear Princess Luna, The Royal Parliament session was absolutely wonderful. I love having a say in the legislative portion of the constitutional democracy that is the Sovereign Republic of Equestria. Being so involved in the Equestrian government makes me feel like I'm on my way to becoming a real Princess! Luna noted to herself that, in case Celestia insisted on enforcing Luna to learn about all of this government stuff, to kidnap Twilight and bribe her into writing any papers or taking any tests for her. Anyway, I'm actually just writing to tell you that 1) I'm sorry and 2) I voted against it. Yours, Twilight Sparkle. Sorry for what? And voted against what? Suddenly, ten members of the Royal Guard, accompanied by an old-looking stallion with a curly white powdered wig, whose name and occupation Luna could not remember despite Celestia forcing her to learn about him just last week, entered the room. As the members of the Royal Guard proceeded to load an at this point extremely confused Princess Luna into a Royal Chariot, the stallion read from a scroll: “By amendment thirty-one of section four of paragraph one of article five hundred ninety-two, the Equestrian Parliament decrees that the Royal Naptime shall be, as of now for exactly one week, be taken into effect.” “NO! STOP!” Luna yelled. “My most sincere apologies, your Highness,” an overseeing officer of the Royal Guard said as he bowed to her. “But it is the written law.” “THEN BURN THE WRITTEN LAW!” Princess Luna boomed as she switched to the Canterlot Royal Voice. “Uh...” the overseeing officer shuffled his feet nervously. “That would be treason, your Highness.” “THEN AS THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT, I HEREBY DECLARE THIS CURSED AMENDMENT TO BE PUT OUT OF EFFECT!” Princess Luna paused. What was that word again? Ah, yes-- “VETO!” she bellowed. “VETO! VETO!” Princess Luna stopped speaking as she noticed that nopony was listening to her. The elderly stallion with the scroll had disappeared and the members of the Royal Guard were calmly lugging her chariot through the castle. “I SAID VEEEEETO!” Princess Luna bellowed again, especially enunciating the word in case everypony misheard. “V-E-T-O!” she spelled, clearly agitated as she switched back to her regular voice. “Why isn't anypony listening to me?” “It is a special decree of the Parliament, dear Sister,” Princess Celestia said calmly as her chariot, being pulled as well, rounded a corner and moved alongside Luna's. “It is the written law and was appointed almost unanimously. We have no choice. We must abide.” “Which law, dear Sister?” Luna asked. “The Royal Naptime law,” Celestia said gravely. “Which states, if I may summarize: Princess Celestia and Princess Luna must go to the Royal Naptime location, where they shall take a Royal Break and do absolutely Royal Nothing for one Royal Week.” A few unicorns, one of them the Captain of the Royal Guard himself, fired beams of magic at a tree that immediately widened into a gate-like entrance. “The Royal Naptime location, your Highnesses!” a guard announced. The princesses were levitated out of their chariots and in front of the portal, side by side. “We shall see you in a week.” “This is absolutely ridiculous!” Luna exclaimed. “I demand to see my lawyer!” “Your lawyer is a member of the Royal Parliament and strong advocate of the Royal Naptime law,” Celestia said. “Then I demand to have him executed!” “I retract that command,” Celestia said quickly to the Captain of the Royal Guard. “'Twasn't a command, 'twas a demand!” “Your Highnesses? The portal?” a guard asked, cocking his head towards it. “Ah, yes. Of course,” Celestia said calmly. Pushing a scrambling Luna in front of her, she quickly bode farewell to the guards, who would pick them up in a week's time. “STOP! IN THE NAME OF EQUESTRIA, I DEMAND YOU TO STOP!” Luna yelled, thrashing about, but being physically smaller than Celestia, she was not able to prevent the inevitable. With a strange whooshing sound, the two sisters fell through the portal. – They awoke at the same tree in the Gardens near the Entrance. The members of the Royal guard that brought them to the portal, however, were gone. In fact, nopony was in around. From what Luna could tell, she and her sister were transported to a weak magical copy of their Castle, along with the immediate surrounding area. A weak magical copy would be a breeze to overload. Luna took an aggressive stance, kneeling low into her haunches as she lit her horn and prepared to force herself, as well as Celestia, out of their prison. “Luna! What are you doing?” Celestia exclaimed, and quickly rushed over to her sister and wet the tip of her horn. “We must escape this dreadful prison!” Luna said. “I was simply doing such, dear Sister.” “No, Luna,” Celestia said calmly. “The law requires of us that we stay here for a week.” “THEN THE LAW IS WRONG!” Luna exclaimed. Celestia put a hoof on her younger sister's shoulder. “The Parliament passed this law for a reason, Luna. Everypony needs a break from their occupation occasionally. The Royal Naptime law was put in place to ensure that we Princesses receive a break as well. Our so-called “prison” is merely the means necessary to ensure proper privacy during our vacation time.” “You...you like this?” Luna asked, clearly revolted. “The time is rather inconvenient for me, as I had other plans for next week and projects in session. But now that it is in effect, I suppose I shall use the time to take a relaxing week off. Perhaps I shall read a few books, or catch up on sleep. I would suggest for you to do the same, dear Sister.” Celestia looked at Luna, who had The Look on her face. “You are going to do the same, right?” Celestia asked quickly. Oh, no. The Look was a look Celestia knew well. It was a look that combined giddiness, malice and mischief. It was a look that Celestia...actually hadn't seen in a long time. Not since before the rise of Nightmare Moon. But that was beside the point. The point was, The Look never meant good news. Luna grinned slowly. “We shall certainly enjoy ourselves, dear Sister. That is certain.” As Luna galloped into the castle, Celestia could only stand still and groan. Luna sporting The Look and talking about ENJOYING herself? The last time Luna had enjoyed herself, the entire Royal Guard had been turned a jarring shade of neon blue for a month. It would be chaos this week. Only that was certain.
Bite 2: MathFor the last past few hours, Luna had been awfully...quiet. The silence was unnerving, frankly, given the kind of antics Celestia usually had been putting up with. After searching half of the castle, Celestia found Luna in her room sitting at a desk, hunched over a scroll and writing furiously with a feathered quill. This couldn't be good. “Luna, what are you doing?” Celestia asked cautiously. “Math, my sister,” Luna said pensively, not taking her eyes off of the paper. “Math.” “May I see?” Celestia asked slowly. “Hush,” Luna said softly. “A genius is at work.” Celestia trotted over to the desk and looked over her sister's shoulder and watched as Luna carefully scripted integral signs, paying careful attention to their elongated “S” shape. Once she was finished she quickly scrawled a few greek letters and parenthesis signs to the right and filled in numbers above and below each integral sign. “The integral from zero to pi over three of the integral from one to twice the cosine of theta...of the function r cubed...dr d theta is equal to...hm...” Luna mused, writing furiously beneath the problem. Celestia tried to catch a glimpse of what Luna was writing, but her hoof was covering most of it. “Aha!” Luna exclaimed suddenly. “The cosine has been doubled!” She furiously crossed out everything she had written, except the problem itself, and started from scratch. After a few minutes, Luna let out a cry of “Eureka!” in triumph, allowing her quill to fly out of her magic's grasp backwards, hitting a slightly disgruntled Celestia. “I solved the problem, dear Sister! The answer is seven sixteenths of the square root of three plus five twelfths of pi!” Celestia, having had quite the mathematical training from back in the days of the alas never successful Equestrian Space Program, took a look at Luna's solution curiously. Luna leaned back in her chair, crossing her forehooves proudly. “Luna...” Celestia said. “This...is a three line solution.” “Pure elegance!” Luna rejoiced. “Yes, but--” Celestia said slowly. “The first line...is just the problem. The last line is merely your solution. But all the second line says is...'blood, sweat and tears'.” “Oh, yes, one of my finer proof techniques,” Luna said. “I sometimes write BSAT for short.” “But—that's not even real math!” Celestia exclaimed. “One cannot just write random numbers down and proclaim them to be the answer! That is...blasphemy!” “Do you mean mathsphemy?” Luna said, giggling. Celestia groaned. “This is no time for puns, Sister. Here—let me show you how it's done.” Celestia picked the quill up from off the floor and copied the problem carefully onto a new section of scroll. She carefully evaluated the inner integral, then the outer integral, writing each step as she went. Simplifying, she at last came to her answer after about five minutes of deliberate calculation and two minutes of careful checks. “Seven sixteenth of the square root of three plus five twelfths of pi!” she proclaimed triumphantly. Luna giggled. “That's what I said!” Celestia compared her answer to her sister's. Sure enough, they were identical. “How...?” “Blood, sweat and tears,” Luna said mysteriously. Suddenly, Celestia didn't even want to know.
Bite 3: Princess“Celly, what are you doing?” Celestia put down her quill in annoyance. Luna had interrupted her train of thought. She quickly shut the scrolls she had been writing in them, shoving them all to a corner, revealing the dark wood of the desk that matched the ornately carved walls and ceiling of this particular study. “Working,” she said unpleasantly, hoping Luna would get the message to leave her alone. “You're not supposed to be working, you know. This is your vacation time,” Luna emphasized. “Yes, but this is different.” “How so?” Luna cocked her head curiously. “Nopony can know about this except you and me,” Celestia said patiently. She wasn't actually feeling patient in the slightest, but a thousand years of being the sole ruler of Equestria and thus being responsible for the fate of the entire nation 100% of the time tended to do that to a pony. “Are you talking about that time when you and Mr. Cake--” Luna started to ask but was cut off by Celestia. “I thought we were never to speak of that again,” she said quickly. “Anyway, it's not that. It's about Twilight. About her becoming a Princess.” “What about it?” Luna cocked her head. Twilight had always been considered as the most likely candidate for a future Princess ever since she was able to wield the Elements of Harmony to defeat, well...her. And ever since Twilight had succeeded with the task of protecting the Crystal Empire and banishing Kind Sombra for good, she and Celestia had known that Twilight's time would come soon. What they could not agree upon, however, was how soon. “I'm just not sure if she's ready yet.” “That's why we agreed to wait for a certain number of moons before giving the spell to her to complete,” Luna said. “And that time is up, as of next week,” Celestia said. “It's just—there's so much I have to teach her still. Even if we would have had this week, I don't know if it would have been enough.” “She already knows so much,” Luna said. “In plenty of aspects, far more than me. Just look at her politics! Or her contributions to scientific research!” “Yes, but--” “It would be fantastic to have Twilight a Princess!” Luna continued. “Ever since I've known her she's shown exceptional leadership qualities, whether with her friends or with all of Ponyville. She's already the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria; she would really be able to utilize the Alicorn magic that comes with Princesshood. She's protected Equestria from danger for countless times. And besides all of that, she's a great pony! Overall she's the perfect candidate! If you ask me, she should have been made a princess sooner!” “But there's still so much I need to teach her,” Celestia said softly, her voice cracking. “You needn't worry,” Luna said comfortingly. “Besides, after she becomes a Princess, you can still offer her advice.” Celestia bowed her head, subtly hiding her facial expression. Luna, not knowing what to say, stayed silent. It was clear that her sister had hardened over the years that she was gone and had probably not cried in centuries. Luna nuzzled her sister softly before Celestia took a deep breath, attempted to collect herself and took a step back. “Over the years, I feel like the bond between Twilight Sparkle and me has continuously grown,” Celestia said softly. “I always tried to be there for her, since as she grew older and enrolled in the Academy, her parents and brother increasingly weren't. I would teach her magic, let her sit in some political discussions, educated her about the world. I watched her grow from a young, excited filly to a wonderful mare, and even after she moved to Ponyville and found friends, we still stayed in close correspondence.” Luna nodded, but Celestia did not see the gesture, turning her head away from Luna towards the window. “We still met up every other Tuesday in Canterlot,” Celestia said quietly. “She would take the train to Canterlot and meet me for tea and cookies in this very room. We would discuss friendship lessons and her studies and politics. And yesterday--” Celestia's voice cracked slightly and she took a deep breath, begging herself not to cry. “Yesterday was one of those Tuesdays. She was so busy preparing for the Parliament session that she forgot to tell me she couldn't make it in time.” This wasn't just about tea and cookies. Luna opened her mouth slightly in realization. “It would have been the last time. The last time before...” her voice trailed off awkwardly. “Ever since—“ Celestia choked slightly on her words, “--a while ago, I had been dreading the day that Twilight would outgrow me as well. But now it seems to already have passed.” Ever since when? Luna decided not to pry, she certainly didn't want to make her sister feel any more upset. “You needn't worry, dear Sister,” Luna said. “Twilight respects you just as always, and her new duties will only bring her closer to you. You will have so much to teach her about being a Princess, she so much to learn from you.” “But it won't be the same,” Celestia whispered, bowing her head. “I'll miss my most faithful student.”
Bite 5: Madness“Good morning, Luna,” Celestia greeted, walking into the Royal Breakfast Hall where she found Luna sitting down, eating an apple. “STOP THE MADNESS!” Luna yelled. Celestia blinked. “I just said--” “STOP THE MADNESS, I SAY!” Luna bellowed. Celestia blinked again. (It was early; she was tired.) “THE MADNESS! THERE'S SO MUCH OF IT! IT NEED TO BE STOPPED!” Luna bellowed, this time using her Royal Canterlot voice. Celestia yawned, rubbed her eyes and backed away slowly out the door. It was too early to be around all of this...Luna-ness. Maybe she'd come back in an hour.
Bite 6: Portal“CURSES!” Luna screamed, for what for Celestia felt like the hundredth time. All Celetsia wanted was a peaceful morning, sipping tea and reading for pleasure by the fireplace, but obviously Luna would not allow it. Wondering what in Equestria could get Luna so worked up, Celetsia decided to go investigate. Luna was in one of their sitting rooms, hunched over some strange box-like device that appeared to be made of metal. Celestia had never seen anything like it before and so she assumed it was another of her sister's oddball creations. Luna did not appear to be building or repairing the strange device, however. Instead she was pressing tiny buttons on some sort of typewriter-like pad with one hoof and operating an odd, almost ball-shaped implement wildly with the other hoof. Both the pad and the ball were connected to the metal box with thin black ropes. “CURSES!” Luna screamed again, slapping her hoof against the ball wildly, causing it to make odd clicking noises every time she hit it. “NOT AGAIN—ah, how relieving. A checkpoint.” “Luna...?” Celestia asked cautiously. Luna, staring intently at the box, did not see her sister, despite Celestia standing only a few feet in front of her. “Luna...?” “CURSES!” Luna shrieked. “A VICTIM OF GOO ONCE AGAIN!” Celestia was a little worried for the mental health of the Princess of the Night. “Luna...?” “Yes, my Sister?” Luna asked absentmindedly as she hit the typewriter pad with her left hoof. “What are you doing?” Luna started hitting the ball repeatedly with her right hoof. “NO!! I WANT A BLUE PORTAL, NOT AN ORANGE ONE!” After a moment she turned her attention away from the metal box. “I'm playing a game,” she said. “It's quite enjoyable. Come have a look.” Luna beckoned her sister to her side of the metal box as she hit a key on the typewriter pad and focused once again on the metal box. A quite confused Celestia trotted to the other side of the desk where to her surprise the metal box was not made of metal, but many bright colors that constantly changed. There was slanted text printed on the bottom edge of the colors, but it was printed to small for Celestia to read. The metal box appeared to be some sort of advanced magical device that reproduced another pony's vision onto a miniature movie-like screen. Celestia watched as the pony walked through a room to a ledge. Rather than stopping, however, the pony jumped and was falling down to the light grey tiled ground. “No!” Celestia cried out. “We have to save them!” Luna let out a short laugh as she hit the ball with her right hoof once. Out of nowhere a blue oval appeared directly before the falling pony's feet. Instead of dying, a slightly dizzy Celestia watched the room spin and reorient itself for the pony. Instead of falling straight down, they were now gently flying through the air. A few short seconds later, the pony softly landed in another section of the light grey room. At this point Celestia was very confused. “So the pony can fly? But why would a pegasus pony jump from such a height without breaking their fall with their wings? That doesn't make any sense. Where is this pony? This odd room looks like a prison cell. Maybe when we get back to Canterlot, we should send out a rescue team for them.” Luna, who had been concentrating on the game this whole time, suddenly shrieked and lept backward as the screen flashed and the pony collapsed to the ground. Celestia gasped. “Is she dead? What happened? Why can we still still see her surroundings, even though the vision channel should be terminated? Why--” Luna tapped a key and the pony sprung back to life, much to Celestia's confusion. “Don't worry, sister,” she said kindly. “I've got everything under control. How about you go back to your room and busy yourself with an activity from your own century? Like a book, or a piece of parchment, or maybe a clay tablet.” Celestia backed out of the room slowly. It would probably be for the best.
Bite 7: Paradox“And for my next trick,” Luna announced with a dramatic swish of her midnight blue cape, adorned with stars, “I shall assemble one apple into two apples!” Celestia raised an eyebrow. “You mean take one apple, conjure a cloud of smoke, preform a spell to materialize a second apple and then remove the smoke? Don't do that, that's much too predictable. Besides--” “--materializing goods out of thin air is forbidden because it'll crash the Equestrian Stock Market,” Luna droned on. “Yes, exactly,” Celestia said with a sniff. Finally Luna had remembered some laws of common courtesy. “But do not worry, dear sister! My trick shall involve none of this!” Luna swished her cape once more, causing her matching wizard's hat to topple to the ground. A bunny poked its head outside of the depths of the midnight blue hat, looked around the room and then quickly scampered off. Ruffled, Luna readjusted her cape and put her hat back on. “Does it involve a bunny?” Celestia asked boredly. “That was going to be my second-to-last trick,” Luna said matter of factly. “Anyway—I was about to assemble this apple--” Luna removed an apple from her prop bag and set it on the table “--into two apples!” “Go on.” Celestia leaned forward. Without using any simple materialization spells, this could get very interesting. Luna hovered the apple in the air with her magic as she carefully cut the apple into five pieces. “And now!” she exclaimed, “I shall assemble these five pieces into two apples!” Sure enough, Celestia watched as the five pieces fit together...into two apples. “Ta da!” Luna chanted. “But—what—you--” Celestia stuttered. “You changed the pieces, didn't you? Made them bigger while I wasn't looking! Or you brought another apple! Or maybe the other apple isn't there, it's just an illusion! This doesn't make any sense! That...that's not scientifically possible! You're not scientifically possible!” Luna put a hoof on her sister's mouth. “It really works, Sister. Try it out for yourself.” Luna let Celestia take over her magical grip on the apples and watched calmly as Celestia broke the apples back apart into their five pieces...slowly turned them around, inspecting them...before fitting them back together into...one apple. Extremely confused at that point, Celestia broke apart the apple into the familiar five pieces and reassembled them into two apples. “See?” Luna said, giggling. “I—but—this—how does this even work?” “A magician never reveals her secrets,” Luna said mysteriously. “But I will tell you that it wouldn't be possible without the Axiom of Choice.” Author's Note This is a real thing: it's called the Banach Tarski Paradox. Paradox: Part 2 coming soon to device with an internet connection near you!
Bite 8: TreeBefore them stood an ancient tree, branches as thick as a pony looming off in different directions, thick green foliage providing perfect shade for the ground underneath. Standing under it made a pony feel like the tree was as tall as the castle itself. The ancient oak tree had been one of the few trees that had not been cut down during the construction of the Canterlot Castle and was the only tree to survive. “Why are we here again?” Luna complained. “I wanted to watch a movie!” “The last movie we watched was ridiculous,” Celestia said. “This idea is much better.” “What, a tree?” Luna asked disdainfully. “Don't you remember? This isn't just any tree,” Celestia explained. “When we were fillies, we used to come here quite often. I have many memories of us at this tree. And even as we grew older, before we were Princesses and before the Castle was even built, I used to come here whenever I was upset or wanted to be alone. It was my happy place. Nowadays I can't go there without feeling swarmed by all of the other ponies from Canterlot who go on walks through the gardens, so I figured it would be nice to have it to ourselves for once.” “When you refer to this tree as a 'happy place', it sounds like you're a psychologically disturbed pony who goes to this tree every time you're on the cusp of killing somepony else,” Luna said casually. Celestia chose to ignore her sister's remark. “Come—I'll show you my favorite branch!” Eagerly, Celestia flew up to a thick branch about twenty feet off of the ground. Landing was difficult—being larger than before, perching herself on the branch was a difficult task. Eventually she managed to awkwardly shuffle her legs into a position comfortable enough not to send her hooves to sleep at once. Luna copied her, sitting beside her. “This is pleasant, isn't it?” Luna said sarcastically. “My hind legs are scraped and I can feel my hooves falling asleep.” “So it may be more uncomfortable for grown ponies than it was for me as a child,” Celestia said. “No matter. You'll probably stop feeling it after a while, once you get used to the sensation,” “I'll stop feeling it alright—once the circulation in my legs is entirely cut off,” Luna said bitterly. “They're numbing away already! I can feel them tingling!” As she spoke, Celestia's legs started to tingle with numbness as well. She rearranged them hastily, only to get scraped by the rough bark of the tree. She bit back some rather un-Princess-like words. Even if Luna was the only other pony here, she did have a reputation to uphold. Celestia instead decided to distract herself by looking out towards the castle grounds. “Look over there, Sister,” she said quietly. “To think that two thousand years ago, there were no giant towers, walls or gardens—just a peaceful meadow and a hill. It's amazing, how everything changes so fast.” “Eew,” Luna said, squirming. “Oh, sorry sister—I got some tree sap on my hooves. Do continue what you were saying.” “But despite all this change, it's still the same peaceful meadow,” she said. “Listen.” For a minute or so, neither sister said a word. They watched the landscape around them slowly darken as the sunset into the mountains behind them. Celestia closed her eyes, feeling the tranquility of her surroundings envelop her. She exhaled as she slowly floated through the pitch black space of her mind, completely serene. Luna inhaled sharply, destroying the peacefulness like a stone causing ripples in a smooth pond. “Did you hear that, Sister?” she asked urgently. Celestia cracked open an eye to gaze at her sister. “I heard nothing,” she said, letting impatience creep into her voice. “Nothing except silence.” “No, I'm certain I heard something,” Luna said. “It was some sort of squeaking noise.” “I heard nothing,” Celestia repeated. “Listen, Sister—can you not just sit with me in silence? Please?” Luna, hearing the plea in Celestia's words obeyed. She too closed her eyes and the two sat, in silence in their own worlds of darkness, hearing nothing but the soft sounds of the forest in the setting sun. There was a muffled squeaking noise. “This time I am positive that I heard something squeaking,” said Luna, interrupting for the second time a disgruntled Celestia. “It came from that way,” she said, pointing to the tree trunk. “But I am positive that it was absolutely nothing,” said Celestia. “For this tree is nothing short of tranquility itself. It has survived thousands of years of weather, of beavers and woodpeckers; it was even spared during the building of the Canterlot Castle. Despite all that Equestria—and I—have lived through, it has always been there, growing slowly yet unchanging like the stars in the night sky.” Luna muttered disagreeably. “We've shared so many memories here,” Celestia pleaded. “For instance—Do you remember where we built our first treehouse?” “This tree,” Luna muttered, rolling her eyes slightly. “On which tree's branches were we perched upon when we earned our cutie marks and discovered we could command the sun and moon?” “This tree's,” Luna said. “And when Discord first came into power and reeked a week-long lightning storm throughout Canterlot, where did we hide?” “It wasn't a good idea but it was under this tree,” Luna said. “Listen, Celly—I'm sorry. I now realize how much meaning this tree has for you. If it makes things any better, I do remember all of those things. It had just never occurred to me that they had all happened at the same tree—at this same tree. But now that I know that, that gives this tree—not to mention all of those memories—so much more meaning!” Celestia flew up from her perch to hug her sister briefly. “Thank you for understanding,” she said softly, before landing back on the other side of the branch, directly next to the tree trunk. “This really is peaceful,” Luna murmured with her eyes closed. Just as Celestia was about to close her eyes, she heard a noise. A skittering, squeaking noise. She looked to her left, towards the tree trunk, saw two glossy red marbles peeking out of a whole in the ancient trunk, reflecting the light of the slowly rising moon. “EEEEK! A RAT!” Princess Celestia, Goddess of Equestria shrieked, as she in one swift movement lept off of the branch into the air, unfolded her wings and flew away from the dreaded sight. “EW EW EW EW GROSS!!!!” “EEEEW! WHERE?” Luna said, opening her eyes and rubbing them madly, attempting to unfold her wings that were sticky with tree sap. She glanced to her left. “EEEEK! A RAT! OH, I TOLD YOU I HEARD SOMETHING?” “HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IT WAS A RAT?” Celestia squealed as the vermin slowly climbed onto their branch. “OH, EW EW EW IT'S ON OUR BRANCH!” “EW EW EW!” Luna shrieked, after a few flaps of her wings becoming airborne. “OH MY GOODNESS LOOK DOWN THERE!” she yelled, pointing with her hoof down to the bottom of the tree trunk. There she saw a huge hole, about as wide as a school filly, filled with glistening red dots and the occasional silver flashes of teeth. “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!” Celestia screamed again. “THAT'S LIKE, TWENTY RATS! EW EW EW!” “I HATE RATS!” Luna wailed. “AND EEEEEEW THEY'RE CLIMBING THE TREE! THEY'RE ALL OVER IT! EW EW EW EW!” “I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” Celestia wailed. With a powerful push of her wings she dashed back toward the castle. Luna, wings flapping madly, followed close behind. As they approached the front doors of the castle, the two sisters landed. “That, was, disgusting,” Luna said, panting. “You're telling me,” said Celestia. “And to think I was enjoying myself. A rat infested tree!” “Rats are the most disgusting creatures, ever,” Luna said. The two sisters shuddered in unison. “Well, when our Royal Vacation is over, I know the first tree I'll have the Royal Gardening Department cut down,” Celestia said. “There are memories, and then there are horrifying things that, no matter the sentimental value, are horrible abominations that should burn in a firey pit in Tartarus.” Luna nodded vigorously. “Agreed, sister. Agreed.” Author's Note Obvious Modern Family reference I just had to make. Sorry in advance.
Bite 1: Hairspray“Why, dear Sister?” Celestia asked. They were standing in the Castle's Royal Workshed. Celestia had entered the room to complain about the loud noises, that were interrupting her attempts to enjoy a good book and a cup of tea. But then she had seen Luna building...something. “The question is not why build an industrial sized needle,” Luna said calmly as she repeatedly thrusted the blunt tip of the twenty foot tall needle at the bit of cloth, sadly to no avail. “The question is why not.” “Why not banish you to the moon for another thousand years?” Celestia muttered under her breath. “I heard that!” – Celestia returned to the workshed a few hours later, surprised to find Luna still hard at work putting the finishing touches on... “Seriously?” she asked. Luna turned around, grinning. “After everypony—and by everypony, I mean you—reacted so astonishingly well to my industrial sized needle, I decided to expand my product line,” Luna explained. “Over there is my industrial sized thread,” she said, gesturing to a thick rope wound about a forty foot tall stainless steel spool, “To its right is my industrial sized thimble,” she said, gesturing to a twenty foot tall mound of stainless steel speckled in dimples that looked like an upside down trash can. “Why, Luna?” Celestia asked in a pained tone. “You know what I said to you about asking that question!” Luna sang. “Now be quiet,” she scolded. “There's still one masterpiece to unveil.” Celestia groaned as she turned her attention to the last of the three gigantic items. Unlike the others, this one was draped in a gigantic white cloth. “And to the right of that is...drumroll please!” Luna drummed her hooves as quickly as she could, but being a rather uncoordinated pony it sounded more like the pitter-pattering of a light rain shower. The huge white cloth glowed suddenly with Luna's magical aura as she flung the cloth to the side. “Ta da!” Luna sang. “My industrial sized fifty foot tall one-of-a-kind enemy-freezing hairspray,” she said, gesturing to a ridiculously large can of hairspray whose nozzle alone was at least five times as big as any pony. Celestia facehoofed. “You really need to stop reading all of those comic books.”
Bite 4: Rain“It's raining, it's pouring, the old mare is snoring...” Luna sang. “Luna?” “Yes, Celly?” “What in Equestria are you singing?” “A rain song, of course!” Luna giggled and continued to sing. “She went to bed and cracked her head and didn't get up in the morning.” “Um, Luna, you do know that--” Luna began to sing another verse. “Becaaaause she cracked her head; Overnight it really bled..” “Luna! Stop singing! This doesn't make any sense!” Celestia said loudly. “The ambulance came and what a shame; for the old mare wa-as dead dead dead!” “LUUUUNA!” Celestia yelled. Luna stopped singing. “But...but there are four more verses! Oh, well you must not like that one. I'll just sing a different one.” She took a deep breath. “Rain, rain, go away...come back some other day...little Celly doesn't want to play...because she's an old mare who's going GREEEEEEY!” she sang the last few words in quick succession, singing the last note with such a high pitch that a few heavily stained glass windows broke, revealing the outside. “How did you like my improvisation? I thought it was very creative.” “Luna!” Celestia said loudly. “Your singing is quite interesting,” she started hesitatingly. Luna beamed. “But there is one thing...” Celestia said slowly. “Yes?” “IT'S. NOT. RAINING.” Celestia said with vigor. Luna turned her head slowly to the broken window and looked outside to the cloudless blue sky. “Oh.”
