What else would I do for amusement?
Twilight sat in her library, surrounded by several of her friends, as well as an extra body. Sadly, Rarity couldn't be dragged away once her muse struck, and her number one assistant was apparently also Rarity's number one assistant. Fluttershy had called in with an animal emergency, so she was unavailable, though that was probably for the best. She would just have to make do without. "So let me get this straight. You're currently a changeling. You found yourself a changeling upon waking up in this world/plane of existence/reality. You've spent the last five years traveling the world of Equis looking for some type of explanation or way back home, but to no avail. Finally, you expect me to believe that changelings are not parasites, but symbiotes, capable of living peacefully with the other species of this world despite the fact that a hive attacked Canterlot last year."
Max, currently in the form of an insectoid horse, nodded along with each point the librarian ticked off. It was difficult, setting this up in such a way that didn't end with him imprisoned, an interesting smear on the floor, or any of the other horrific ends that were possible. It was even more difficult to do so with out so much as a scuff on his chitin. He supposed it spoke of how far he'd come in his technique in infiltration and stealth. This wasn't like those cheesy stealth games he played as a kid. No, he messed this up, there was no reset. Hell he wouldn't even get someone screaming his name into a microphone.
Twilight nodded thoughtfully, making a few more notes on her ever growing stack of paper. He was glad he'd brought his canteen of gelled emotion with him. The first thing Twilight had done was cut off all magic effects Max may try to use, leaving him with no way to take in the ambient emotions. Kind of like sitting in one of those sterile environment bubbles.
"And the pony, Silver Lining? What happened to him?" Twilight asked over her notes.
"Made him up." Max replied smoothly
"Like Hay! I bet you have that poor colt stuffed in a cocoon somewhere!"
"RD" Twilight scolded.
Rainbow was shocked. "Don't tell me you believe him!?" There was no way the thing before them was telling the truth! Changelings were based on lies!
"The spell applied at the start of the session is still in effect. He can choose not to answer, but he can not lie."
"Horseapples, how do you know he didn't do some weird bug thing to mess it up?"
"I've double, triple, and even quintuple checked it, Dash, the spell is active."
Ah, this was what he was missing, staying under cover. At least there was only one of them grilling him at the moment. Thank god. Still, all good things come to an end. He was brought out of his musing by a pink hoof in the air. "Pinkie?"
"So you're not stuck being some else? You can be whoever you want?"
Max blinked in surprise. Technically, she hit the nail on the head. "I have a hard time swapping my personality, but physically, yea, I can be just about anyone."
Pinkie pounced on the idea."DO AJ!"
"Whoa nelly! When did this turn into request night?"
Pinkie was literally jittering with excitement at the idea. "Aw, c'mon, girls, you know your curious!"
Max shook his head "I can't do that with the restriction spell on me."
Twilight nodded "I don't want him draining us, so I blocked all his powers with the rune he's sitting on. Took me five hours to draw it up, and another to make sure I didn't make any mistakes, but I'm not taking any chances."
Max had to suppress a scoff. Scoffing at someone's lack of information wasn't professional after all. "Drain? You actually believed that load of manure, that a changeling that feeds off of an individual leaves them a depressed, emotionless lump?"
"It doesn't?"
Max laughed. "In my bag is a jar marked P. Grab it" The jar was retrieved, and the girls were awed. Even Max loved looking at the jars of emotion. If you mixed them properly, it was better than a lava lamp. And that stuff was great on toast. Twilight managed to tear herself from the glowing jar first.
"So this is emotion?"
"Yes. Actually, it was gathered about four days ago over the course of the day. I wasn't kidding when I said your pink friend here is best when taken in small doses. Without being warned of her exuberance, a changeling could easily get sick from over-feeding in her presence."
Pinkie was absolutely mesmerized by the glowing substance, and apparently undisturbed by the fact that it was basically coagulated happiness. Hers, to be specific."Preeeetty..."
"As you can see, as long as the feeding isn't forced or done by too many changelings, the effects are negligible. In fact, the closest thing in nature would be plants absorbing the suns energy."
"Like plants, huh?" Twilight murmured. "Ok, I still have some questions"
Max shifted a bit, making himself comfortable. "Go for it"
<-(~0~)->
Eventually, the questioning was ended, and a consensus was reached. Max wasn't a direct danger, though Twilight managed to secure a promise out of him, before removing the spell, that he would return later for "tests". The manic giggling and mumbling about being the "first scientist in recent history to study a changeling subject" did nothing to set his mind at ease.
"Ok, now that Twilights done, DO AJ!"
The request caught him flat-footed... hooved. Whatever. Five years in this place and he was still making these mistakes. With a sigh, and a quick final check for details on the larger female, his form and his perception of the world shifted. Sitting in his place, was an exact copy of the farmer. Well, besides the hat. He'd never gotten the change to include clothes no matter how hard he tried, or extra energy he poured into the transformation. It was also one of the few tricks he couldn't buy off of infiltrators with his excess reserves of emotion.
"THAT IS SOO COOL! DO ME NEXT, DO ME DO ME!"
Good lord, the happiness was literally wafting off of her. 'Bleah, it's like someone trying to stuff a death by chocolate down your throat after eating 3 triple chocolate cupcakes.' A quick glance at the exuberant mare and the spare farmer disappeared in a flash of green fire. In her place-
"NO! HAY NO! NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS! DON'T GIVE HER IDEAS!" Twilight was tripping over herself, trying to think of some way to stall the impending apocalypse, for before them stood none other than the Alicorn of Parties.
Pinkie could only find one way to describe what she saw. A single tear rolled down her cheek.
"It's beautiful..."
"Be at peace Twilight, for I though I look like this, I have not the powers you associate with this form."
It was Pinkie's voice, but not. The tone was completely wrong. In fact, it reminded her of- "Oh my Celestia, STOP THAT!"
Before max could retort, there was a knock at the door. With a quick smirk at twilight, she was left staring at a perfect copy of herself, which bolted off to the door before she could stop it.
Twilight could only utter two words
"Oh no..."
<-(~0~)->
Big Mac was worried. His little sister had mentioned a few ideas for crusading that were getting a bit dangerous, in the relaxed farmer's opinion. Sure some of the things they did were reckless, but they never went too badly. Cutie mark Crusader Necromancers had him worried though. Thus his current destination. The Library; surely there would be a book on the legalities of necromancy there, right? He'd rent the book, and give it to his little sister and her friends. Problem solved.
Upon reaching the library, he knocked. Sure it was a public building, but it was also Ms. Sparkles place of residence, and he would never allow himself to be accused of being impolite, even if he was raised in a barn. The door swung open to reveal, to his utter lack of surprise, the librarian. But there was something off about her. He'd seen that smile before, on a few of the other mares in town, most often Ms. Punch after a few too many ciders. Ms. sparkle never had that kind of smile on her face. Max meanwhile had only one thought going through his head as he stared at the stallion, who he had once or twice dragged to the local eateries to hang out with some of the other stallions in town. The colt was straight as an arrow.
'Jackpot'
The girls stormed into the room, and to Twilights utter horror, saw Max smiling seductively at Applejacks older brother. Then it got worse.
"Hello there, handsome. I'm not sure if I can help you... but I know there's something you can help me with..." slowly circling the confused male, Max said one last thing, thereby sealing his joke, and his fate. There would be no forgiving this. A thousand years on the moon would be only the start. As Max came back around the farmer, he whispered into the stallions ear, in his Silver Lining voice "No homo".
"MAAAAAX!"
Author's Note
I know it took forever to reach the main joke, and the inspiration, but I couldn't just drop the joke in the middle of a story. It would drive me bonkers. Not to mention it would make even less sense that way then dropping the reader into what sounds like the middle of another story. So I did what I could to give it some depth, more than a crack-fic has any need for, in my opinion, and sprinkled with enough humor to hopefully sate the rabid readers long enough to reach the punch line.
