Left to a Pseudopsychologist

by arcanelexicon

Rating: teen
Tags: Trixie, Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 5133

My first day on the job and my first patient.

After finding myself in Equestria and sharing my world's breakthroughs with them, I find myself becoming their top (and only) practitioner in psychology. This is my first day on the job and I pray that I don't muck it up. (This is my first fic of any kind so comments and critiques are welcome)

Edited 11/2/15. Reworded some paragraphs and deleted some stuff to help improve the flow of the story.

Published 2015-01-17 20:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-17 20:30:03 UTC

First Day Jitters

"Well another day, another bit."

After being teleported to this world and sharing my knowledge with them, Princess Celestia has now asked me to try psychology with ponies.

It started innocently enough. We were talking about advancements in radio transmission, and how they could incorporate it into their world using their magic crystals, when Princess Celestia asked me how humans dealt with problems aside from drowning it with alcohol, getting high on drugs, or getting the 'marefriend experience.'

With a blush, I told her about the field of psychology, and that I had little idea about it. Right then and there, she made me Equestria's top (and only) expert in the field of psychology, saying something about 'a little knowledge being better than none.' Freud would be rolling in his grave by now. So here I am, waiting for my first patient, and reminiscing on how I got here.

I guess the universe decided to troll me that day. It was a normal flight over the Pacific. No turbulence, nothing wrong with the aircraft's systems, in short, it was the kind of flight I liked: boring. I excused myself to head to the lavatory to attend to the call of nature. While there, I felt some turbulence that shook the aircraft a little. I shrugged it off, thinking that this is the place where we normally hit a rough patch, so i didn't really pay any attention to it.

Once done with my business, I stepped out of the lavatory, closed the door, and was about to wave to the flight deck camera, when I noticed that the lights were just too bright. I looked around, and saw that I was in a green meadow, with light clouds overhead, though everything looked a little too pastel-ly. I quickly turned around hoping to find the lavatory door still there, but nope, there was nothing behind me. I tried pinching myself to see if I was dreaming, the pain told me otherwise.

I wasn't a stranger to science fiction, and it seemed that i portaled to a new world, and closed the door which led home.

Long story short, I walked for a few hours, spotted something flying, tried calling out to it, and was surprised when it screamed, and flew away. A few minutes later, I saw a lot of unidentified flying objects, which swooped down on me. I then got captured by what looked like flying ponies in armor, who piled on top of me, and tried to cuddle me to death. These, uhm, "harem" of female pegasi then bound me, and brought me to their rulers. I was made to wear a crystal pendant, which magically translated what I said into something they could understand and vice versa.

They explained to me that me being here was the result of someone, somewhere in the infinite dimensions bucking up a spell or a transdimensional portal, and I had no other choice but to stay here in their world, while they figured out if they can find a way to send me back to mine. I then spent a few weeks under their care where I discussed my world to them. They were fascinated by my watch, seeing at how compact it was compared to theirs. They burned my shoes and belt after learning where leather came from, but the rubber soles were sent to their finest engineers to be replicated. My wallet didn't hold much of interest. My smartphone on the other hand, wasn't the big breakthrough I'd thought it would be in a medieval-steam tech world. After telling them how much damage it would do to their world to etch circuit boards, mine minerals and stuff, they decided not to adapt the technology.

I lost my train of thought as I heard hoofsteps coming from the stairs. My first patient, and she has no idea that I have no idea what I'm doing. Next thing I know, they'll be asking me to head their space program, where it will be me who'll be sent to the moon with no space suit, no rocket and no clue as to what to do there, and no meat to eat as well. Oh well, when life gives you ponies, I don't know, you pony on I guess.

Well, first impressions last I guess, so I decided to fix my clothes (thank you Rarity), and adapt a more professional posture. After all, they were new to this psychology thing, and the patient would have no idea if I was wrong, or if I totally bucked up if I looked professional right? Who am I kidding? My MD PhD means Maryjane Druggie, PHinished Difficultly.

I then looked at her record, and saw that Twilight had written "This session is a way for her to talk to someone who has no idea about her past, and would hope to understand her or her motivations.", which told me absolutely nothing on what I needed to know. I kept thinking "Surely you can't be serious!" and deep down, one of the voices in my head answered in a deadpan manner "My name's not Shirley." Here I am, Equestria's top (and only) pseudo-psychologist, and I'm talking to myself.

A knock on the door brought me back to Earth, or in this case, Equestria. I asked for my guests to come in, and I was a little surprised to see Twilight come in and close the door. She explained to me that since my patient had nowhere else to stay at the moment, she would be joining me in the new Ponyville Library, or, as I liked to call it, 'The New Ponyville Library-slash-Research Center-slash-Clinic-slash The Big Oak Tree-slash-My Place.' My patient would then have 8 sessions every month, with me forwarding my "friendship report summary" to the hot librarian princess.

I jokingly told her that I no longer would be accepting bits in payment, but would now be paid in meat, steaks and barbecues. Her answer was a simple question in the form of "You do know heat season is coming up right?", followed with a mischievous smile. I could feel myself go white in terror. Although having sex with six mares at a time with me being in the best shape of my life was great, having non stop sex with 6 mares for two weeks without any break was a death sentence. I told her that I loved being able to walk, and no thanks to death by having the life drained out of me. Ready or not, it was time to see my first patient.

Twilight opened door, and i heard her say "You can go in now. Try to be nice as he'll be your housemate for a good number of months okay?"

I took a deep breath, and tried to calm myself. "Welcome! My name is Doctor Quack and--" just then my eyes focused on this mare in front of me. Lets just say that my brain of thought dumb exploded train not work error error file not found reboot reboot reboot eject eject eject heat sink critical critical hit internal ammo explosion reactor breached eject eject eject.......

"SNAP OUT OF IT YOU IDIOT!!!! Reroute power from non-critical brain areas," which would explain the drool.

"Keep trying to restart the damned speech engine," which would explain the "hamanahamanhamana."

"Brain software still loading! Systems still critical! ID-10-T error!!!" which would explain why i was looking and mumbling around like an idiot for a good 30 seconds or so. Good thing I was seated, as I felt all sense of balance leave me.

"Uhmmm, Doctor Quack.."

Now that snapped me out of my stupor. I heard my internal Bitching Betty tell me "Reactor online, sensors online, weapons online, all systems nominal you idiot! Stop drooling and do something! ANYTHING!"

What stood before me was the....the...., i tried to think of a word to best describe her: Beautiful already belonged to Princess Luna. Princess Celestia was regal. Rarity was elegant. Lyra was cute. Applejack was the girl next door. Fluttershy was demure. Sweetie Belle would be a blooming flower. Roseluck would be pretty. Octavia was graceful. Rainbow would be thunderin' tsundere. Pinky was bubbly. Bon Bon was the mare of a thousand voices. Derpy was lovable. Vinyl was a thunderstorm waiting to happen. Twilight was the hot librarian princess...and then it hit me.

What stood before me was the most stunning mare I have ever met. Her silver and powder blue mane looked smooth, silky, clean, and it wonderfully complemented her cerulean blue fur, and those eyes, Celestia, those eyes. I always had a secret crush on Shoe Shine when I first saw her, but compared to this mare in front of me, Shoe Shine was but a candle to the sun.

I stood up to greet her a little more properly. "Be professional" I told myself. Also, try to find a way to stop your "Be professional" voice from sounding like Ms. Harshwhinny.

I told her my real name, and extended my hand. I saw her hesitate, and saw a slight twitch before she extended her hoof, and shook my hand. I tried to stop my head from thinking about her fur, her fragrance, her eyes, her smooth well brushed coat, her minty breath....Okay brain, you're getting distracted. I don't want another system failure, do me a favor and replay that twitch from about five to seven seconds ago. There was something in that twitch that reminded me of something that I had to live with most of my life. It's something for me to work on later I thought, but right now let's see what makes her tick.

"Okay Ms. Trixie Lulamoon, please take a seat and let's get started shall we?"

Author's Note

Concept came to me in a flight. Inspired by a picture I will show in the last chapter. Done using the notes app on an ipad so please excuse some of the uncapitalized i's. Also self-edited and self-proof read so there will be errors. This is my first fic of any kind and I welcome all comments and critiques. Thanks

The session begins

"Okay Trixie, this here is a recording crystal. It records both our voices, and when I press it, it captures an image of you. Let's just say I hate having to write down more than ten words, and with Berry Punch living close to me, I'm pretty sure that I'm down to my last few brain cells."

"Before I turn it on, I would like to ask you to just be yourself for this session. We both know that we have done something we regret, but as they say there's a time and place for everything. In my world, it's called college. In yours, its probably Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. Let's just say that what I care about is what happens now, and in our next few sessions, and I'm going to try to figure you out and what makes you tick, understand?"

Trixie nodded.

That was a pretty long speech for someone as introverted as me, and she just nodded. No "I understand doctor", no "crystal clear", not even an eye roll. Those eyes would surely look beautiful doing an eye roll...We're getting off track here, back to the psychobabble stuff. I turned to her and let her know that the session will now start and I turned on the recording crystal

I told her that since I have already introduced myself to her, it was now her turn. I told her to do it like she normally does and she surprised me when she put on a cape and hat from out of nowhere, reared up on her hind legs, and stood up in a humanlike manner.

She posed and shouted "You have been graced by the presence of the Great and Powerful Trixie!!!"

"Holy crap! She looks absolutely beautiful in that pose!" I thought and immediately took a snapshot of it.

While she was holding the pose I immediately thought about her ego and the certain way she was posing. It had drama, a certain allure, and it spoke volumes about her.

"Okay Trixie, please sit down, and tell me what it is you do."

Although she didn't shout this time, she still did some grand gestures with her hooves and I tried to capture them as she spoke.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie is a traveling showmare of great renown. Trixie has travled thru mystic Neighpon, the unknown jungles of Hoofrica, the cultural hub of Prance, and even up the great peak of mount Hayverest to study the magical arts. She has bested numerous ponies from Fillydelphia, Manehattan, Baltimare and, many more cities, before her defeat at the hands of Twilight Sparkle. Whatever you can do, Trixie can undoubtedly do better!"

After her little speech, I told her that right now, there was one thing that she couldn't do better. Once again the gestures were there and I had a hard time trying to capture it.

"Oh I see. Another neighsayer! Prove it to the Great and Powerful Trixie! Show to me what you humans can do that Trixie cannot do better!"

I told her it would be easily done. It was rather simple actually. I asked her to tie a knot in a cherry stem using only her tongue.

I saw her eyes widen in shock and horror, and nothing but "But...but..." coming out of her mouth.

To make her feel better, I conceded. I was once again blown away by her gestures, which i tried to capture with great difficulty, and her voice.

"Once again the Great and Powerful Trixie prevails!"

Well there's your superiority complex, and megalomania right there, but there has to be a cause behind that. And by now, I was beginning to see a pattern but i needed more proof. Oh well, on to the next test I guess.

I took out some papers and told her about the Ror...Roar....Rors.....ink blot test. I explained to her that all she had to do was tell me what she saw.

The first picture was simple enough, and it looked like a butterfly to me, but for Trixie, it was "Banners announcing the presence of the Great and Powerful Trixie!"

The second image to me was like a bear and its reflection, but to her it was "Trixie practicing her grand pose in front of a mirror."

The third one kind of looked like stockings or boots, but to her it was "Trixie's shapely and succulent plot when she wears socks for her more risqué shows."

Sigh, megalomania and ego alright. I didn't bother looking at the fourth image, and was surprised when she said that it was a brush or a mirror.

Well, that was unexpected. I looked at the image, and even though it wasn't one of the images I made, it did look like a brush. I first thought about having to talk to Lyra, and her touching my stuff without my permission thanks to her hoo-man fetish, but upon closer inspection of the image, I noticed something which further solidified my hunch when I first met her. She could be the same as me I thought. This might just be coincidence, but its something I can work with.

It was time to talk to her.

"Miss Lulamoon, first things first: You have a superiority complex. You won't allow yourself to be beaten."

"Normally this would come from a lack of understanding of relationships, where it's not a matter of who wins, but a matter of how well you compromise. I would think that you would fall under this category seeing as you have been traveling alone for quite a number of months now, but seeing that you didn't try to kill me when I tried to best you or try to think of a way to cheat just to win, I would say that this is not a problem. My guess is that you just need more friends around you, and I do hope that I'd be one of them. I also hope that you'd hang out more and see the people around you, and try to understand things from their perspective as well."

"Secondly, you treat everything as a challenge. As if the world throws problem after problem at you, just to see how well you do. I'm pretty sure that everything is awkward for you. The way you moved when you first met me showed that you always want to make a lasting first impression."

"I would think that this was because you are introverted but I don't think this is the case. You find a way to overcome, but you treat everything as if it was a contest. As a showmare, it's not about you being better than your audiences, but about you entertaining them. Yes, you are better at magic than most unicorns, and your illusions are top notch. For me, coming from a world without magic, it fills me with awe and wonder and wanting to see more. Why not use what you have learned to awe, to inspire, to help them see that with training, their magic can be better as well. This is just the tip of the iceberg though, as there is still one thing that I need to prove if only to make sure that my analysis is correct."

I gave her a few minutes to let the words sink in. I could see she that she was doing her best to listen to my words.

Now to throw everything to the fire, and watch the world burn..and maybe clean up afterwards. It was time to test my hypothesis, and what better way to do it than to do ask for something she'd probably never expect.

"Okay Trixie, I'm going ask you something that you'd normally not expect from anyone. I find you to be a very beautiful mare, and I was wondering if it was okay with you if I asked you for a kiss. Just one on my cheek, and I'd be really happy."

At first she was shocked, then I slowly saw her face taking on a softer expression. "Anything for a fan I guess." Then, she moved forward, leaned in, moved back and leaned in once again for the kiss. Good thing I was able to capture the first attempt on the recorder. And BOOM! there it was. A light, moist peck on my cheek.

The feeling was euphoric! It was heaven, and I would have gladly have basked in its glory but I had to keep my head on my shoulders. There it was, the way she leaned when she first tried to kiss me captured perfectly.

"Miss Lulamoon, I now think I see what makes you what you are. If you want, you can go out and grab some hay fries and a daffodil sandwich. I need a few minutes to get the images I need ready, and I need to get me a cup of coffee...ahh screw it, I'm going to grab a beer, and you're free to get one from the icebox. I always find that a little alcohol makes this process go down a whole lot easier."

Author's Note

I made up the fourth image on the ink blot test, the rest are based off actual images.

Proof That Shows I Am Right

After I had drank a couple of beers, I called Trixie back to my office.

I looked out the window and figured that I at least had an hour or two left before Princess Luna's night began.

I explained to her that the recording crystal was now turned off. Whatever discussion we were going to have from now till the end of the session would only be known to the two of us.

She told me that she understood, and she even gave me an autographed painting of her.

"I want you to put this on my folder" she said, "so that anyone who sees it will instantly know that it belongs to your most beautiful patient."

Note to self: ask Twilight for a taller table so it would be easier to hit myself on the head with it. Also,make sure that it's heavy as well, so any patient wouldn't easily flip it. Here goes nothing.

"Ok Trixie, before the session began, I noticed that you hesitated slightly when I offered a hoofshake. Though you did give me one, I saw the hesitation. Care to explain?"

"The Great and Powerful Trixie does not stoop down to the level of her fans!" screamed Trixie.

And yet she didn't hesitate when I asked for a kiss. Definitely not the answer I was looking for.

"What about when you meet people on the road when you're hooked up to your wagon and traveling? I'm pretty sure you don't even wave or do a hoofshake or hoofbump, am I right?"

"The Great and Powerful Trixie does not waste her time on peasants!" she said darkly.

Still not the answer I was looking for. Guess it's time for a change of tactics.

Next up was a series of images of the gestures that led to her grand pose when she introduced herself earlier. Good thing I was able to capture all of it along with her grand pose.

"Any explanation why you need to go thru all of this gestures, and not just go with the grand one at the end."

"The Great and Powerful Trixie does things her way! They need to know that the Great and Powerful Trixie is different from all of the other so called magicians!" she said. Now there was an answer I could work with.

"And when you were in school, I'm pretty sure that you did things your own way as well? To the point where teachers would punish you for doing things differently, and not being one of the herd?"

All I heard from Trixie was a whispered "Yes" but it spoke volumes.

Next up, I asked her about her relationships. "It was all the same, it all didn't last long since I always traveled and it was mostly awkward kisses" said Trixie. Yup, like how awkwardly she tried to kiss me when I asked earlier.

I excused myself and went outside for a bit. While there, I saw her half eaten sandwich and her tea cup. Upon seeing its arrangement, an epiphany came to me. This was all the evidence that I needed! I then headed back to my office with some pieces of parchment, a quill, and some ink.

I entered the office, and saw Trixie practicing her illusions. There was a big difference between the way she crafted her lines compared to the other unicorns and alicorns I knew.

"Sorry bout that, now Trixie can you please write your name on the parchment? From where I'm from, we have this thing where we look at a person's writing to gain some insight to their persona."

I was ecstatic when I saw how she took the quill in her magic.

With her so engrossed on writing, detailing and decorating her name, I quickly wrote something down as well.

Once she was finished, I asked her to take her parchment and hold it in her magic while I moved the table. I also moved my chair closer to her, and sat down.

"Well Trixie, I also wrote something down when you weren't looking. Actually, I lied about the writing thing. It was a way of confirming my suspicions, and it looks like we have one thing in common."

I smiled as I showed her what I wrote. Her eyes widened in surprise.

"You! You're...." she stammered.

I simply said yes, and it was an honor to meet somepony for the first time who shared my predicament.

I offered her a "correct" handshake and there was no hesitation, no twitch, she just shook it eagerly.

I spread my arms wide open for hug, and we hugged each other eagerly. No clonking of heads, no awkwardness, no twitch, just eager laughter.

From a guarded, egotistical megalomaniac to a charming, laughing unicorn. All with a simple note that said "I'm also left hoofed/handed."

After our breakthrough. She explained everything to me, and we discussed the similarities we both faced in our worlds.

The handshake was easy. We always offered the wrong hand at first. Normally it wasn't a problem but for some cultures, they treated the left hand or hoof as dirty and unclean. Good thing she had her magic I told her, since in my world I had to learn how to eat with my right hand as other cultures frowned upon you when you ate with your left hand. Taking things with your left hand was also considered an insult in some cultures. When eating with your left, it was like saying that the food left a bad taste in the mouth, and when accepting something with a left hand, you were basically telling them that their 'gift' was as good as crap.

There were a lot of other faux pas and cultural views that involved the left, and I promised her that I would talk to Princess Celestia about it, knowing that she might not be the only pony who had that problem.

Her being cold to the people she met on the road was a simple matter: Since most ponies were right hooved, they tended to stay on the left side of the road like the way people drove on England or Australia on Earth. Since ponies stayed on the left side of the road, it was easier for them to hoofbump or wave to other people on the right with their right hooves but for Trixie, it was hard. Since she was left hoofed, she not only had to stop (which tended to anger the pony behind her), but had also to turn a bit in order to wave or do a hoof-bump, which was hard to do when hitched to a wagon.

As for her doing her own thing, and taking everything as a challenge, it was understandable as she had to adjust to the right hoofed world around her.

We talked about school where her teachers would punish her for holding her quill 'the wrong way.' I told her that schools in my world were like that a long time ago where lefties were spanked with a ruler in order to force them to write with the 'proper' hand. I told her that since I was left handed, I was once severely punished in my third grade religion class because, as they put it, the sign of the cross I was doing was the equivalent of blasphemy. I told the sister that I was left handed, but she would not relent until I learned the 'proper' way to do it.

She told me that she always sat on the back so that the teacher wouldn't notice the way she held her quill. I told her about our school's holy grail: the one and only left handed armchair in the entire building.

She also told me that there a lot of instances where she mucked up her magic just because she had the illustrations wrong, and was looking at diagrams the wrong way.

I told her about the building toys called Lego in our world and how in some instances, I had to take apart what I have already done because it was a different orientation from the diagram.

She told me how she had to fasten her wagon straps with her weak hoof when she was too tired to use magic, I told her about can openers.

We both had the same problems in dining when utensils and or glasses were arranged for righties. How she had to move the quill and ink jar every time she wrote in banks and places where you needed to fill up forms, and I countered by writing something and then showing her how messed up the bottom side of my hand would be since it would be sitting on ink and smudging the writing.

She told me she was awkward on dances since she always started on her left hoof. I explained to her that in our world, we would call someone as having two left feet when they danced awkwardly.

We talked about a lot of things and laughed our hearts out when I told her that the most annoying thing about being left handed in my world was that the first thing people asked you when they see you write with your left handed was "Are you left handed?"

The talk went on through the night and it was absolutely wonderful, but it was time to end the session, and head to bed.

Before turning in, I used a messaging crystal that Princess Celestia gave to me to update her on the status of our first session, and the need to address the left hooved population.

Upon waking up the next day, I saw that the crystal was blinking and immediately read the message.

My Dear Doctor Quack,

I have instructed Princess Twilight, Princess Cadance and Princess Luna to come up with plans on how to not only banish the stigma of left hooveness in our society but to also allow them to live normal lives.

Princess Sexy Librarian has already implemented changes in all schools.

There will no longer be a "correct" way of holding a pen and now, left hoofed ponies will enjoy having a left drawer desk for them to easily store their belongings.

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza has decided on "Left Hooved Day" which will be celebrated sometime after Winter Wrap Up, but before The Running of the leaves as we need more holidays on those months as we only celebrate the Summer Sun Celebration during that time.

Princess Loony has reworked the night sky so that there will now be falling stars falling from right to left as well as left to right.

There will be nights though where the stars will not be as magnificent, as Luna is still getting used to drawing with her left. She says that it always felt better when she drew with her left hoof, and she loves the new perspective it brings.

I am happy that everything is now NOT all right.

Also, I am flattered by the alias you have bestowed upon me

Yours truly,

Princess Sizzling Plot

P.S.: I knew you were the right one for the job, and I do hope that you still have a lot left in you.

Author's Note

Inspired by this post by persona22. Thanks for the inspiration!