PrologueView OnlineCrime and FunishmentPrologue“Princess Twilight Sparkle, you’re under arrest.” Twilight didn’t answer. “I mean, it’s not official yet, but we’ll work on that pretty soon.” The stallion smiled. “To be honest, I’m not really sure what is going to happen once I throw the Royal Guards on you, but I’d be lying if I said I am not very curious about the whole thing. Aren’t you?” Twilight growled. Silence. The stallion narrowed his eyes. “Ssssso… Do I take that as a ‘yes’?” “You won’t get away with this, Money Bags!” Twilight said, struggling unsuccessfully against the ropes that held her hooves. “We won’t let you!” “Uh-huh. Yeah.” Money Bags nodded, because he really liked saying ‘yes’ in different ways. “You know, that is literally the most cliché line you could have said here. I mean, wow. I was expecting something a little more original from the supposed genius Princess Twilight Sparkle.” He licked his lips and waved a hoof. “I mean, I don’t want to say this is disappointing, but…” A pause. “Okay,” he said, “I lied. This is extremely disappointing. You’re extremely disappointing.” “And you’re a monster!” “Hey, at least I’m original.” The room was small, with white walls, a single table on the center, and two chairs. Twilight had been brought there by three bulky security guards—their necks were wider than watermelons—and then she had been tied down like a child with very irresponsible parents. Right in front of her stood Money Bags, one of the top ten richest ponies in Equestria. He was a young pegasus with a green coat, wearing a black, flawlessly tailored suit. And, of course, the three watermelonian guards were still in the room, and seven more equally muscular ponies had joined them. Twilight squinted at them—she was pretty sure at least one of them was a mare, but there was literally no way to tell. They all looked exactly the same. “Interested?” Money Bags asked, following Twilight’s gaze. “My elite guard, as you can guess. I’m not too keen on leaving the rest of the casino with only the low-tier security, but then again, I don’t have an alicorn up there.” He raised an eyebrow. “You, on the other hoof…” Twilight smirked. “Scared?” “Uh-huh. Super-duper scared,” Money Bags replied, his voice monotone as a piano with only one key. “I mean, Celestia have mercy on me, I’m totally helpless here.” He turned around. “Right, guys? Am I helpless or what?!” “YEAH!” they replied, all at once. The floor trembled a little. Silence. Money Bags licked his lips. “…Yeah, that’s not the answer I was going for. But, you know, I don’t really care. You go, guys.” He shook his head and looked at Twilight again. “Princess, those seven ponies can break a tree in half with just one kick. On the other hoof, you have wings and a very cute horn.” He arched an eyebrow. “I’m not entirely sure which one would win in a fight, but my bits would probably be bet on the team that’s not tied to a chair.” “YEAH!” “And my guards agree with me! Well, ain’t that amazing.” Twilight’s frown didn’t disappear, although she tried to stop looking at the guards that much. Kind of hard, seeing how they took up half the room by sheer body mass alone. “Let me go!” “I’m actually going to do that at some point, don’t worry.” Money Bags smiled. “After calling the Royal Guards so they can… throw you in the dungeons?” He tapped his chin a couple times. “Can they even do that? You’re royalty.” “YEAH!” “You know, guys? I’m really thankful for that input, but, um, try not to do that. You creep me out when you all talk at once” “SORRY!” “I’ll tell Princess Celestia what you did!” Twilight said, causing Money Bags to turn his attention back to her. “You’ll be the one going to jail!” “Oh?” Money Bags cocked his head to the side. “Oh, yeah, that would make sense.” He frowned. “Well, I think it’s a safe bet to say that Princess Celestia will listen to you… But then again, you will have no proof of whatever you’re going to say, so I shouldn’t worry that much.” He smiled. “And, well, I’m not the one who just got caught doing something completely illegal, am I?” “You—” “But yeah, let’s stop with the chit-chat.” Money Bags rested his elbows on the table between them and pressed his hooves together under his chin. “You know we have your friend too, right?” Twilight blinked. “…You have my friend?” “Yes, the white and sassy one. Wearing a top hat. Very chic.” Money Bags sighed. “I’m going to be honest: we tried interrogating her first. It… didn’t work out.” He made a pout. “She hasn’t said a word. What an expressive face, though. You know, most ponies find it hard to back-talk somepony without opening their mouth, but she managed. ” “Hah.” Twilight smirked. “You won’t get anything out of her.” “Yeah, I agree. That’s why we’re interrogating you instead, because I’m pretty sure you will tell me the whole story.” Money Bags squinted. “You are going to tell me why you are attacking my casino, how many of you are here, and what your plan was all along. Then, you and I are going to work together to stop your friends before they do any more damage, and then we’ll call the authorities.” His lips pursed up in a smile. “And even though your friend might be far braver than she seems, she might have not noticed that my guys here can, as I already said, break a tree in one kick.” Silence. “And I’m pretty sure that your friend is not as tough as a tree,” Money Bags added. Twilight gulped. Some of the guards flexed their muscles subtly when they noticed that Twilight was looking at them. Money Bags’ smile got wider. The room suddenly felt way colder. “…It’s a long story. It doesn’t even start with the casino, it starts with a bank, and—” “Oh, don’t worry. We have time.” Then Twilight sighed. “As almost everything weird that has happened to me since I moved to Ponyville,” she said, “it all started when, one morning, my friend Pinkie Pie kicked my door open…” Author's Note I tried to come up with a clever, attention-grabbing title for this story for hours. I eventually gave up because I am a very dumb person.
First Chapter - Crime Doesn't Pay, but It Sure Knows How To PartyView OnlineCrime and FunishmentFirst Chapter - Crime Doesn't Pay, but It Sure Knows How To PartyBLAM! “Twilight! We’re robbing a bank!” The library trembled a little after Pinkie’s scream, as if the old tree could feel what was happening inside of it. The pink pony’s smile was brighter than ever, her teeth glimmering like pearls in front of a house on fire. And inside the library, sitting at the table, Rarity, Twilight, and Spike looked at Pinkie the way one would look at a house on fire. The pearls were optional. Well, not all of them. Rarity just raised her cup of tea and took a sip mere seconds after Pinkie’s outburst. “That’s a new one,” she muttered. “Girls! Oh, and Spike. Hi, Spike. Girls!” Pinkie put on her Serious Face. It was different from her normal face because it was extremely serious. “We need to rob a bank!” Spike squinted. “Wasn’t the door locked?” “Hello, Pinkie,” Twilight replied, shooting a smile at her friend. “Nice to see you.” “Always a delight,” Rarity said, nodding. “I haven’t seen you all week, darling.” “Oh, that’s because I was locked in my room,” Pinkie replied, trotting to the table and sitting by Rarity’s side. “I didn’t leave it even for one moment!” “You didn’t?” Twilight frowned. “At all?” “At all!” “No, really.” Spike pointed at the still-open door. “I’m completely sure I locked that up like an hour ago.” “May we ask why you did that, Pinkie?” “Well, I got this amazing book, you see?” Pinkie grinned and clapped her hooves. “At first I didn’t really like it, but then it got really cool! And it’s about robbing a bank.” “Wait, you got a new book?” Twilight arched an eyebrow. “I don’t remember giving you any.” “Because I didn’t get it from you, silly.” Pinkie chuckled. “I think Mr. Cake bought it in Canterlot.” “What?!” The arched eyebrow turned into a frown with an amazing speed. "He bought a book instead of getting it from me?!” “Okay, so it is locked,” Spike said, somehow now at the door, even though nopony had seen him walking there. “How in the name of Celestia did you open it, Pinkie?” “With a kick!” “Normal kicks can’t open doors like that.” “But it wasn’t a normal kick, silly. It was a pinkick!” “Hey, I’m talking to you too!” Twilight said, huffing. “I can’t believe you got a book that’s not from my library!” “Darling, it’s not like you have a monopoly on books,” Rarity said, taking another sip of her tea. “But I do have a monopoly on books! That’s why I’m angry!” Twilight huffed harder. “My library is the only one in miles!” “Yes, and given how half of Ponyville is as illiterate as Applejack’s dog, that says a lot about your business,” Rarity replied, shrugging. “Then again, I’m a fashionista in what might as well be the only completely nudist town in Equestria, so… Glass houses, I suppose.” “Hmph. So you read a book about robbing banks,” Twilight said, turning to Pinkie. “Well, I’m glad you enjoyed it. Reading is always good.” “I must say, I’m fairly surprised,” Rarity added. “Now, don’t get me wrong, but… You don’t look like the reading type. Or at least not like the kind that would spend the whole weekend doing nothing but reading.” She took a sip of tea. “Then again, neither do Fluttershy or Applejack, do they?” She looked at Twilight. “You and I are the only ones who seem to enjoy the marvelous world of the literary arts, if we ignore Rainbow and her Daring Do obsession.” Twilight nodded. “So it seems, yeah.” “Are you kidding me? I’ve always loved reading!” Pinkie chirped, resting her hooves on the table. “And so does Fluttershy! It’s just that we don’t have that much free time. I mean, I’m planning parties every week! And Applejack takes care of the farm, and Fluttershy works a lot with the animals!” She poked Rarity in the side of her face, causing her to spill a little bit of tea. “You two are the ones who read the most because you have a lot of free time!” Silence. “Because you barely work at all!” Silence. “Because your businesses are a failu—!” “Yes, Pinkie, we got it the first time,” Rarity interrupted, speaking slightly louder than usual. “Thank you very much for your input.” “You’re welcome!” “Now, I feel like gobbling up a ton of ice-cream while I think about my life choices.” Rarity finished her tea and got up. “If you'll excuse me…” “Wait, no!” Acting so quick one’s eye couldn’t follow, Pinkie grabbed Rarity by the shoulders and pushed her down to the chair again. “You can’t go yet! We need to talk about the bank robbery!” “What?” Twilight rested her elbows on the table. “You were serious about that?” Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Did I look like I was joking, Twilight? I mean, really. Did I?” “Yes.” “You did.” “Absolutely.” Silence. Pinkie blinked. “Well, I was not. We need to rob a bank! Or, well, something like that. I’m not picky.” “Why would you want to rob a bank?” Spike asked, now back at the table. “I understand Rarity or Twilight wanting more money, seeing the whole ‘business’ thing…” “Ugh.” “Sigh.” “...But you, Pinkie?” Spike shook his head. “Why would you do that?” “Because it would be so much fun!” Pinkie clapped. “Like, I read that book, okay? And it had adventure, it had humor, and everypony was having such a good time! After reading it I told myself: Pinkie, I can’t believe you have never done something like this. It’s the perfect adventure!” “Pinkie.” Twilight glared at her. “We can’t do that.” “But why?!” “We’re the good guys.” “Well, then we just rob an evil bank. I mean, duh.” Spike raised an eyebrow. “Are there evil banks out there?” “Are there good ones?” Rarity said, smirking. “Anyway, Pinkie, I don’t believe we could do such a thing.” “It’s not about if we could or not,” Twilight said. “I think the real issue here is if we can find a reason why we would do such a thing. It would literally bring nothing but trouble.” “That isn’t true!” Pinkie said, hitting the table with one hoof. “We even have the perfect team! Six mares and one dragon? Is there anything we can do other than robbing evil banks?” Rarity cleared her throat with a cough. “We can spend a nice afternoon drinking tea together.” “I mean anything new, Rares.” Pinkie stuck out her tongue. “Come on, you know it sounds interesting!” “It sounds like a crime, rather,” Twilight said. “And hey, what a coincidence! That’s exactly what it is!” “Well, as I said, we can go and rob an evil bank, so it won’t be a crime. Breaking the law is bad!” Pinkie said. “We don’t even need to take the money, it’s just for fun. We don’t need it anyway, do we?” She beamed a smile, which disappeared pretty fast. “Wait. You’re a princess, but I don’t know if Rarity would like some money.” She turned to her. “I mean, after all, your shop is not really—” “Is today ‘make fun of Rarity’s boutique day’ and I haven’t been told, by any chance?” Rarity asked. “Because this is getting truly ridiculous!” “Oooh? Ridiculous enough to….” Pinkie put a leg over Rarity’s shoulders “...rob a bank, perhaps?” “No.” “Aaaw.” “I can lend you another heist book if you liked that one so much,” Twilight said. “Then again, maybe you would prefer to get it from some other place, because apparently my library isn’t good enough—” “No, no, I don’t want to read about it. I want to live it!” Pinkie hit the table with one hoof again. And, as she was still grabbing Rarity by the shoulders with her other leg, she rocked the poor unicorn pretty hard while doing so. “And we already have the perfect team for it!” “Pinkie.” Twilight massaged the space between her eyes with a hoof. “No.” “Come on! I mean, we need a super-duper smart pony to get all the data and the maps and plan all the tiny details and cool stuff.” Pinkie let Rarity go—much to her relief—and pointed at Twilight. “That would be you!” “Yes, but—” “And we also need a sassy pony to always point out the problems in the plan and be sarcastic about it.” She turned to Rarity. “That would be you!” “...My neck hurts.” “Exactly! See?” Pinkie smiled at Twilight. “She’s so sassy.” “No, really. Ouch.” “And we also need somepony who’s street smart! And knows how to talk to ponies to convince them to do almost anything!” Pinkie said. “That… That would be Rarity too, I guess.” “I think I need a pillow.” “Oh, oh! And what would I be?!” Spike asked. “The cool guy? The protagonist? The dashing hero?” “Yeah! That, or the mailbox.” Pinkie patted him in the head. “You can use that magic fire of yours to send messages! That’s very important.” “Cool!” “Spike.” Twilight glared at him. “No. We’re not doing this.” “Aaaw.” “What else?” Pinkie tapped her chin twice. “Ah! We need an expert on disguises, so she can go and fool everypony about her identity. I guess that’s Rarity again.” Rarity was still rubbing her neck. “Well, thanks, I guess.” “And we also need an expert on high society to complete the act. And a unicorn that can find gems and gold with her magic.” She blinked. “...And both of them would be Rarity too, now that I think about it.” “Wow. You’re really good at robbing banks, Rarity!” Spike said. “It’s amazing!” “I… thanks?” Rarity turned to Twilight. “Am I supposed to say something specific here, or is this situation as weird for you as it is for me?” Twilight shrugged. “Sorry, I’m lost.” “You could become a professional bank robber,” Pinkie says. “I’m sure it would go far better than your bout—!” “If I accept your plan, will you please stop talking about Carousel Boutique that way?” “Yeah!” Rarity sighed. “I’m in.” “Yes!” Pinkie stood up, her smile the one of a foal that just discovered candy technically counts as a healthy breakfast. “Woohoo! So, we already have three on the team! Boss, Dashing Mailbox, and Sassy-disguise-master-high-society-gold-and-gems-radar pony!” A pause. “We’ll call you ‘Rarity’ for short.” “Charming.” “But Twilight didn’t say she wanted to be part of it yet,” Spike said. “And what about you, Pinkie?” “I already included myself! I’m Boss. Twilight will be Brains once she’s in.” “Wait, what?” Twilight frowned. “Shouldn’t I be Boss?” “No, you’re Brains.” Pinkie shook her head. “You plan things, and I follow your plan except for when it fails, and then my improvisation saves the day. But you’re my right hoof!” “But…” Twilight blinked. “But I’m always the leader, aren’t I?” “Well, yes, but we’re talking Boss, not leader.” Pinkie trotted to Twilight and poked her in the muzzle. “Are you in?” “Pinkie, what you want to do is extremely illegal.” “It doesn’t need to be,” Rarity said. “I’m pretty sure Pinkie just wants to do something like a heist.” “Yes indeedily!” “Well then, we can do whatever we want, as long as we plan it beforehoof and do it in an extremely overcomplicated way.” Rarity brought the cup of tea to her lips, only to remember that she had drank the entire thing a couple minutes ago. She stared at it with a heartbroken pout on her face for a couple seconds before looking up again. “Ahem. We can just… I don’t know. Go to the Money Bags Bank and change their red ink for green ink?” She turned to Pinkie. “Would that be enough?” Pinkie squinted, a sly smile on her face. “The perfect crime.” “Okay. So.” Rarity pointed at the pink pony. “There’s that.” Twilight sighed. “You really want to do that, Pinkie?” “It will be fun! It’s like spending some quality time together, but instead of talking we rob banks. Bank pens.” She nodded to herself. “Eyup! I couldn’t ask for anything else!” “Well then, I guess that we can—” “Wait a minute there, Twilight!” Pinkie put a hoof on Twilight’s chest. “If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it properly!” “And what does that mean?” Spike asked. “Oh, my dear little dragon…” Pinkie chuckled. “That means that we’re getting the old gang back together.” GETTING THE GANG BACK TOGETHER “Are you sure I need to hold this sign all the time, Pinkie?” Spike asked as the millionth pony turned around to read what was written on the piece of cardboard he was holding above his head. “My arms are getting a little tired.” “A good heist needs title cards!” Pinkie replied. “If we are doing this, we’re doing it the right way!” “If you say so…” They were at Ponyville Square, Rarity and Twilight walking with the kind of face one would usually see on a kid at his least-favorite cousin’s birthday party. Pinkie, on the other hand, was showing off her standard Happy Heist Face, which was different than her normal Happy Face because this one had angry eyebrows. “But do we really need the rest to get ink from the bank?” Twilight asked as they walked past the town hall. “I mean, what else…?” “Good question, Twilight!” Pinkie turned around for a second and pointed a hoof at her. Then she looked at it, disappointed. “Huh. This would be easier if I had fingers. Anyway, good question!” She turned around again. “A good heist needs individual introductions for every important character aside from the protagonist and her right hoof! So of course we need the others!” “I find it funny how we’re not even twenty minutes into this and I’m already lost,” Rarity said drily. “Raises my hopes for the evening.” “Thanks!” Pinkie replied. “Now, answering Twilight’s question and acting as an introduction for the important characters…” She cleared her throat with a cough. “We need a pegasus for this heist, girls. I have it all planned, and—” “You have everything planned?” Twilight interrupted. “Already?” “I’m a fast thinker. You have to be, when you grow up surrounded by rocks!” Pinkie grimaced. “Anyway, as I was saying: we need a pegasus! But not a normal pegasus!” She shook her head and pointed at the skies, her voice getting higher. “We need somepony fast, somepony who can fly past the guards, who can get in and out too fast to get noticed.” She stopped and looked at the sky. The others followed her lead. There was a house—or rather, a mansion—made of clouds and rainbows floating above them, moving slowly but steadily with the wind. “And I have the perfect mare for that!” Pinkie said. When Dash came back to her house that afternoon from buying groceries, the first thing she noticed was that her front door was open. That made her arch an eyebrow, as she wasn’t expecting any kind of visit, and almost anypony who could fly used the windows to enter instead of the door, but she wasn’t exactly worried about it. After all, it’s not like there were any pegasi thieves out there in Ponyville. Then she entered her house. And boy did she get worried after that. Her groceries fell down to the floor, and then they passed through it because living on a cloud has its disadvantages. Like, for example, how any pegasus could come by and redecorate the entire building with nothing but their hooves. Which, of course, was what had happened there: the entire hall was now far bigger than it had ever been, and—Dash wasn’t completely sure—she had the suspicion that the stairs had disappeared. The furniture was gone, too, except for a huge desk which laid right in front of her, and a huge chair at the other side of it that was not facing Dash. The curtains were closed, so the entire house was in shadows. “What the…?” “Rainbow Dash,” a voice interrupted. A voice that came from the chair. “The fastest flyer in Equestria. The mare with the multicolor mane. The Winged Prodigy.” And then the chair turned around, revealing none other than Pinkie Pie petting a cat-shaped cloud on her lap. “It’s been a long time. I guess you’re wondering why I called you in here today, hmm?” Dash blinked. “…How did you get all the way up here?” “Balloons.” Pinkie pointed up. Dash followed her hoof, and lo and behold, there were, indeed, a bunch of helium balloons in different shapes, all tied to Pinkie’s back. “It’s always balloons.” “Huh.” Dash licked her lips. “That… doesn’t explain anything at all. I mean, how could you move the clouds all by yourself? Is Fluttershy here?” “Nope, I came up here alone!” “But how…?” “Balloons!” “But my furnit—” “It’s always balloons!” Silence. Dash massaged her temples. “You’re not going to explain anything, are you?” “Dashie, Dashie, Dashie.” Pinkie smirked, still petting that cloud. “That doesn’t matter, and we both know it. We have more important issues at hoof.” “Did you redecorate the whole house, or just this floor?” “I’m getting the old gang back together.” “I mean, it’s not like I don’t like it, but you could have asked permission first.” Dash sighed. “And where is my furniture?” Pinkie frowned. “Dash! Didn’t you hear me?” “Too busy staring at my house.” “We’re robbing a bank!” Silence. “We are?” “Yeah!” “Aren’t we the good guys?” “It’s an evil bank!” Pinkie threw the catcloud away, got up from the chair and walked towards Dash. Well, “walked” might not be the right way to put it—she was floating and moving her legs in a walking motion, rather. “And we’re just getting ink because otherwise we would be bank robbers, and we’re not like that, are we?” Dash frowned. “Is this some kind of prank, or are you being honest?” “It’s not a prank,” Pinkie said. “Even Twilight and Rarity are in!” “What? Really?” Rainbow flew towards the windows and started opening the curtains one by one. “Wow. It must be an evil bank, then. What is it doing?” “I don’t know!” Pinkie shrugged. “But it’s going to be fun! I read a book about it.” “About evil banks?” “No, silly! About bank robbery!” Pinkie chuckled. “And it taught me a couple things about the business! We have the Boss, the Brains, the Dashing Mailbox, and the Rarity. Now, we need our Speedster!” Silence. Rainbow even paused her curtain-opening deal. “What?” “We need a fast flyer!” Pinkie said. “A brave and bold pegasus who can face any danger and overcome it! A pony who’s not afraid of getting her hooves dirty! We need the best flyer in Equestria!” She grinned and pointed at Dash. “And that means you!” Rainbow blinked, then returned the grin. “Heh. That does sound like me.” “So you’re in?” “Sure. Why not?” Dash turned around and opened the last curtain. “I mean, if Twilight and Rarity are in it, I’m sure it’s something important. And—woah.” She frowned and turned around. “You know, now that I see it without all those shadows… You did a surprisingly good job with the room.” “Thanks!” “I’m a little worried about the stairs, though.” “Wait a minute.” Money Bags raised a hoof. “Lovely story, really, but… How exactly do you know this is what happened? You weren’t there.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “I obviously asked Rainbow.” “Yeah, and apparently you asked her for every single detail.” Money Bags sighed. “Can’t you, I don’t know, just tell me the abridged version?” “No.” “I still have your friend at my mercy.” “Yes, but if you want to understand everything, you need to know everything.” Twilight shrugged—or tried to, she was still tied to a chair— and looked at Money Bags. “Otherwise…” “Yes, yes. Of course. Whatever.” He sighed. “Dear Celestia, you sure love to ramble.” Dash blinked. “Wait a moment. I’m Speedster? I thought I was Dashing Mailbox!” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “…Why would you be a mailbox?” “I don’t know, I thought it was kind of obvious. Plus, I’m good with mail.” Rainbow shrugged. “So you’re Boss, then?” “No. I’m Brains. Pinkie is Boss.” “And I’m Rarity,” Rarity said. “Just ‘Rarity’.” “Yeah I’d actually figured that out on my own.” Rarity batted her eyelashes at Dash. “Just in case.” “Can’t I at least be Dashing Speedster? Sounds more awesome.” “I don’t see why not!” Pinkie said. The gang was walking towards Sweet Apple Acres… Or rather, they were moving towards the barn. They’d been surrounded by apple trees for a while now. Dash was flying, Spike was riding Twilight, Pinkie was jumping around, and Twilight and Rarity were walking with the grace of a rheumatic grandma on a rainy day. “So, what are we doing?” “We’re looking for Muscle!” Pinkie replied. “We need a pony who can knock out all the bad guys and open doors with a kick!” Spike frowned. “I’m pretty sure you can already do that.” “Yes. But we still need a Muscle!” Pinkie said. “Right, Dash?” “I guess?” “We need somepony to do the fighting! And I know the perfect mare for it!” “Huh.” Dash looked at Twilight. “So, what are we doing, exactly? Pinkie said something about an evil bank.” “Apparently, Money Bags Bank fills that profile pretty well,” Rarity said. “But we’re not robbing it.” Dash frowned. “We aren’t?” “The fact that you sound disappointed by that news says a lot about your personality, you know?” Rarity rolled her eyes. “We could explain it to you, but Pinkie won’t let us.” “Exactly!” Pinkie grabbed Rarity by the shoulders again. “We can’t reveal the whole deal before we get the full gang together! It’s not how we do things!” “For once, I agree with Pinkie,” Twilight said. “Applejack will want explanations too, after all. I don’t want to repeat the whole story again and again and again.” She sighed. “Not like it’s a very long story, but…” “It doesn’t count as a ‘story’ at all,” Rarity said. “It’s a single sentence.” “We’re still not spoiling the surprise!” Pinkie chirped. “You sound pretty sure Applejack will join us,” Dash said once AJ’s home appeared in front of them. “I mean, I’m all for adventures, but she has to work on her farm quite a lot, doesn’t she?” “Well, she has a lot of things to do,” Twilight agreed. “Working on a farm is hard.” “I know!” Pinkie nodded. “I was raised on a farm too! But we had more free time than Applejack.” “Sweet Apple Acres is the best apple farm in all of Equestria!” Spike said. “Of course they have a lot of work!” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Yes, we got it.” “And they have a great success because they work so hard on it,” Dash continued. “I mean, really: Applejack is working all day. I’m not even kidding. I tried to hang out with her yesterday but it was impossible! She had to sell all those apples!” Rarity grumbled something. Her left eye twitched. “Like, a bazillion apples!” Rarity grumbled something in a slightly louder way. “And she actually sold them all!” “Yes, she has a lot of work, we get it!” Rarity yelled. “She’s an amazing businessmare who can’t do math to save her life, but somehow has a steady income! YOU CAN STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!” Dash blinked. “Uh…” Rarity shook her head and took a deep breath. “Ahem. However, I’m sure she’ll agree to go rob a bank with us! Even if we don’t rob a bank at all! Because that’s what friends do!” Rarity quickened the pace all of a sudden, stomping the ground like an elephant with every step. “We rob banks! Even when we’re not robbing banks! Now let’s stop talking about my boutique!” Dash squinted, following her white friend with her eyes. Then she turned to Twilight and Spike. “What in the name of Celestia happened here?” “STOP TALKING!” Rarity yelled, already ten meters away from them. “LET’S GO GET APPLEJACK!” “So. You wanna rob a bank.” Pinkie nodded. “Eeyup!” “Sugarcube, y’know that’s illegal, right?” “No, it’s not! We’re robbing a bad bank!” Pinkie said. AJ smirked. “Is there any good one?” “Hmm.” Rarity shook her head. “That’s starting to get old.” “That doesn’t matter!” Pinkie took a step aside and pointed at Twilight, right behind her. “She’s in, too!” Applejack raised an eyebrow at Twilight. “Twi?” Twilight had the exact look a mother has when her kid discovers an incredible talent at playing the drums at two in the morning: that of being tired of life as a whole. “Uh-huh.” Applejack frowned. “Not illegal?” “Not illegal.” “You completely sure, sugarcube?” “I completely sure, sugarcube.” “Huh.” Applejack made a small pout and tapped her chin three times. “Okay, Ah’m in.” “Wow.” Dash cocked her head to the side. “Really? You’re making it that easy?” “You try to work on a farm your whole life without learnin’ to dislike banks, Dash.” Applejack tilted her hat to the side. “‘Sides, there’s no work on the farm for a couple weeks. We just finished buckin’ them trees yesterday.” “Awesome!” Spike turned to Pinkie. “Can I throw the sign away now?” “Nope!” Pinkie chuckled. “We have Boss, Brains, Muscle, Dashing Mailbox, Dashing Speedster, and Rarity. We’re not complete until we get Fluttershy!” Spike frowned. “What role does she fill?” “Oh, Spike. It’s obvious!” Pinkie waved a hoof. “She’s…” Silence. Pinkie blinked. “She… Uh. You know, that’s actually a pretty good question.” “Fluttershy doesn’t seem to fill any standard role in a bank robbery, does she?” Twilight asked. “I mean, she’s not exactly good at giving orders or talking to strangers.” “Well, that’s not an excuse for Fluttershy to be left out!” Pinkie turned around. “Dash! Rarity! You two know her better than anypony else. Any good ideas?” Silence. Dash and Rarity looked at each other. “She’s… good at making tea?” Rarity asked. “She can convince any animal to do anything,” Dash said. “She could, like, command the birds to distract the guards!” “Ah don’t think she’d be okay with that kind of thing,” Applejack said. Silence. “You know what?” Pinkie shook her head and started a trot towards Fluttershy’s cottage. “Doesn’t matter. We’re getting Shy anyway. The gang is not complete without her!” Dash followed her with a lazy flap of her wings. “Well, it'll be easy to convince her, at least.” “Fluttershy! We’re robbing a bank and you’re coming with us!” Fluttershy let out a yelp after hearing Pinkie’s words, the first thing she'd heard since she had opened the door of her cottage. She made a little pout, took a small step back, looked at the ground, looked at them, opened her mouth as if to say something, blushed, closed her mouth, looked at the ground again, closed her eyes, and finally she said: “…Okay.” “Wooohooo!” Pinkie grabbed her by the shoulders and got her out of her house. “Alright!” Without looking back, she closed the door with a swing of her tail. “Now we’re complete!” “Well, that was predictable,” Twilight muttered. “How did that girl survive high school?” Applejack whispered once they all started following Pinkie towards Ponyville. “Like, at all?” Dash shook her head. “Believe me: she didn’t,” she whispered. “That’s not a real answer.” Dash shrugged. “Come on, so she’s a little bit of a pushover. Let her be, she’s not hurting anypony.” “I understand Applejack’s concern, Dash,” Rarity said, suddenly joining the whispered conversation. “At this rate, someday somepony is going to ask Fluttershy to do something wrong, and…” “Y’mean like robbing a bank?” Applejack interrupted. Rarity blinked. “Why, yes. Exactly like robbing a bank. But, you know, not an evil one.” “Are there any good ones out there?” Dash asked with a smirk. Both Rarity and Applejack glared at her. THE PLAN “Hmm.” Spike eyed the sign laying in front of him and poked it with one finger. “Where do you keep getting these?” he asked, turning around to face Pinkie. “Oh, I have a bunch here and there,” she replied. “You know, just in case I need them.” “Uh-huh.” Spike shrugged. “Well, at least I don’t need to carry this one.” They were all in The Hideout, as Pinkie was calling it now. In vernacular, apparently that meant “Twilight’s Library with the curtains closed.” As the table was too small to fit all of them, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were hovering near to the ceiling while Applejack sat on a cushion near the center of the room. “Okay, everypony!” Pinkie clapped her hooves. “We’re going to start the meeting in a minute! Are you ready?” “Um. I’m actually not?” Fluttershy said, hovering right above Pinkie. “I mean… I still don’t know why we are doing this. We’re robbing a bank?” She frowned and looked at Dash. “Just like that?” Dash shrugged. “Apparently.” “To be honest, Ah would also like some explanation.” Applejack looked at Twilight from her cushion. “You said it was completely legal, right?” “Yes. We’re not robbing the bank.” Twilight tapped the table with a hoof. “We’re just messing with their inkwells.” “So it’s more like a prank, then?” Dash asked. “It sounds like one,” Spike said. “Twilight? Is it legal to prank a bank?” “If we’re not causing any damage, I don’t see why it should be illegal.” Twilight turned around and eyed some bookshelves without getting up. “Although we could check it to be sure…” “Okay, so we’re pranking a bank.” Fluttershy crossed her front legs. “But… I still don’t understand why.” “Hm, that’s actually an easy question. Let me aid you on this.” Rarity turned to Pinkie. “Short answer?” Pinkie beamed a smile. “I thought it would be fun!” Rarity nodded. “Good. Long answer?” “I read a book and then I thought it would be fun!” “There you have it.” Rarity turned around again and smirked at Fluttershy. “You’re welcome, dear.” “Well, I, uh.” Fluttershy rubbed her foreleg, frowning. “I guess it might be fun, but I don’t think we should do this. What if we hurt somepony’s feelings? Not everypony likes to be pranked.” “Oh, don’t worry!” Pinkie said. “I’m sure Money Bags doesn’t mind his banks being pranked.” Twilight frowned. “You know him, Pinkie?” “Of course I do! I know everypony, don’t I?” Pinkie tapped the table with her hoof twice. “I mean, I’ve never thrown a party for him, but I know how he’s cool. And he won’t mind a senseless prank. Plus, he won’t even know we’re doing it, right?” Dash nodded. “I love senseless pranks. They’re the best ones.” Fluttershy sighed. “Still… I don’t think doing such a thing is nice, girls. We might cause trouble.” “Shy,” AJ said, smiling at the pegasus, “Ah wouldn’t worry that much. Ah haven’t been the one comin’ up with the plan, but Ah reckon Pinkie and Twilight just want to relax a little. Have a little harmless fun!” She shook her head. “It’s like what Ah said—we’ve been on a million adventures together by now, but most of the time we had to save the world, or each other, or my farm, or somethin’. What’s wrong with an adventure that we’re havin’ just for fun?” “Plus, Fluttershy, it’s Money Bags Bank.” Rarity snorted. “I won’t try to say I understand economics, but if there’s something everypony in Equestria agrees on, is the fact that Money Bags is not a good pony.” She rolled her eyes. “Those credit loans, Celestia forbid them.” “We just wanna have fun, Fluttershy,” Pinkie said. “But if you don’t like it, you don’t need to be part of it! It’s just a game. Right, girls?” “Uh-huh.” “Yeah!” “Eeyup.” “But of course.” “I’m not a girl.” “Oh.” Pinkie blinked. “Sorry, Spike. I forgot you were here.” “Eh, don’t worry.” Spike waved a hand. “As long as I keep being the Dashing Mailbox, I’m fine with it.” “Well, if you say it’s just for fun…” Fluttershy sighed. “I guess I can join you. We won’t do anything mean or dangerous, right?” “Of course not, we’re just messing with their inkwells,” Twilight said. “Well then, that’s it!” Pinkie said. “I declare the first meeting of the Bank Ink Robbers! Brains? What’s the plan?” “Hmm.” Twilight licked her lips. “Well, I’ve been thinking about it, and… To be honest, you have a point, Pinkie.” She looked at her friend. “We’re a pretty good group, as far as heists go. Now, this is what we will do…” Author's Note Oh, man. Chapters that end like this are such a tease.
Second Chapter - Illegal is Always FasterView OnlineCrime and FunishmentSecond Chapter - Illegal is Always FasterPinkie and friends had seen a lot of crowds lately. The Equestria Games at the Crystal Empire, for example—that had been very crowded. And the Royal Wedding, of course, with all of Canterlot and probably half of Equestria there too. Twilight’s Coronation or that Hearth’s Warming Eve play they had starred in were also very strong contenders for the first place in the “most ponies per square meter” list. And yet, somehow, all those crowds paled in comparison to one at a simple bank on Friday. Ninety minutes before they close for the whole weekend. “Aaaaand here we see why I always come here on Monday mornings,” Rarity said once the building appeared on the horizon, the six ponies and dragon walking across Ponyville’s main street. “What a charming view, no?” “Dear Celestia.” Spike’s pupils were the size of peas. “I didn’t know Ponyville had so many citizens!” “Hah. This is nothing.” Dash raised an eyebrow at them as she flew right above the entire group. “The Cloudsdale bank is worse. As we all can fly, the bank is always filled to the ceiling.” Fluttershy shuddered. “Literally.” “Yeah, I once spent six hours pressed against a wall,” Dash said. “Second most horrible bank-related afternoon of my life.” Rarity frowned. “Second?” “I did a lot of crazy stuff in high school.” “Well Ah don’t want to spend six hours suffering here, so we better hurry,” Applejack said. “Ah want to take a shower as fast as possible. Ah stink.” “Please, dear.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “You’re exaggerating.” “Ah’m not!” Applejack frowned. “Ah smell like a fresh-painted house! Ah don’t know how you can manage to breathe like this!” In an incredible feat of coordination, the five mares and Spike rolled their eyes at the same time. “Come on, it’s not that bad!” Pinkie said, her leg around AJ’s shoulders. “I think it’s fun!” “I don’t know if ‘fun’ is the best word to describe it,” Twilight said, her eyes fixed on the bank—which was just a couple meters away from them at the moment—“but it’s efficient, which means you’ll have to cope with being green for a little longer, Applejack.” Applejack grumbled something, just as she had been doing for the last two hours, since the very moment Twilight had explained to them that, yes, they all had to color their coats for the job. “I mean, if we change our coat colors, cover our cutie marks, and change our manestyles, then nopony can recognize us,” she had said. “If there’s something I always found dumb, it would be the fact that, in every single heist book I’ve read, there’s just one pony who changes her coat color while the rest don’t even bother getting a proper disguise. If we’re doing this, we’re doing it the right way.” So there they were: a green Applejack, a pink Twilight, a grey Fluttershy… The only one who still had the same colors was Spike, but he was wearing a fake moustache and a sombrero, because, “I don’t want to be the only one without a disguise, Twilight!” And finally, they arrived at Money Bags Bank. They looked like a colorblind rainbow, and between them and their goal were only a couple walls and like seven hundred million ponies, give or take. “Yeah,” Twilight said, “this is going to be easy.” At exactly four hours zero minutes post meridiem, two mares walked into Money Bags Bank. Hardly something new, seeing how Money Bags Bank had a pony-per-meter density higher than that of a black hole, true, but those two ponies still managed to stand out. Maybe there was something in the way they walked. Maybe there was something in the way one of them managed to not only walk through the impossibly dense crowd, but also look stylish while doing it. Maybe it was the fact that one of them was an alicorn and thus probably strong enough to lift the building and everypony inside it and shake it like a matchbox because she felt like hearing the sound of bones creaking. It could be anything, really. A mystery for the ages. In a demonstration of politeness usually unheard of in public places like banks, train stations, or restaurants, the crowd actually let those two walk in, or at least they tried, because as far as ponies know, politeness alone is not enough to defy the laws of physics and that bank was really, really crowded. Perhaps a little explanation on Money Bags Bank’s architecture and inner workings would be a useful thing at the moment. The building was a big one, especially if one took into account that it was in Ponyville, but it only had one floor. And for some unknown reason that could only be linked to the fact that bank ponies hate common sense, Ponyville’s Money Bags Bank had only six employees and three counters. Out of the six employees, only three really attended the customers, as the other three were the Director, his secretary, and the Soda Guy. Nopony really knew what the Soda Guy really did, but he was always carrying a can of soda, so there was that. The building had two main parts: the public section, where everypony could go talk with the bankers, and the private section, where the offices were located. Only the Director, the Secretary and the Soda Guy had offices, as the other three employees spent the entire day sitting at the tables, talking with the customers. This day wasn’t an exception, even though the bank was obscenely crowded. Everypony in the crowd was waiting for their turn to sit at a table and talk with the employees, and even though it looked like help was really needed, the Director, the Secretary, and the Soda Guy where nowhere to be seen. Until those two mares appeared, of course. Moving with elegance and a little bit of difficulty because there were ponies everywhere, the non-alicorn of the pair, an azure unicorn with a curled mane, walked towards the nearest table and coughed loudly. “Ahem!” she said afterwards, effectively coughing twice. “Excuse me?” The employee—a lavender mare—and the customer—not a lavender mare—frowned at the interruption… and then they saw who was talking to her. Or rather, she saw who was behind who was talking to her. “Princess Twilight!” the employee said, her eyes opening wide. “Wha—no!” The alicorn shook her head and tried to take a step towards the employee. “I, um, I mean, that’s not my name.” She coughed. “My name is Princess Skylight!” Silence. The employee frowned. “Uuuuuh-huh. I’m pretty sure you’re Princess Twilight Sparkle, your Majesty.” “Didn’t you hear her?” The blue unicorn arched an eyebrow. “She’s Princess Skylight. Totally unrelated.” She turned around. “Right, dear?” The alicorn nodded a little too enthusiastically. She came close to breaking her neck. “I-Indeed.” “Uh… Yeeeeah, no?” The employee scratched the back of her neck. “I mean, there are only four alicorns, and seeing how you’re not two and a half meters tall and your muzzle is not that of a supermodel, I’m fairly sure you oughta be Princess Twilight Sparkle, your Majesty.” “Oh!” The blue unicorn frowned. “The nerve! That’s how ponies treat royalty in public places, nowadays?” She shook her head. “Princess, we don’t need to endure such a rude welcome!” Silence. The alicorn was still nodding. “Ahem,” the azure unicorn said. “Princess, I said that we don’t need to endure such a bold welcome!” “Wha—? Ah!” The alicorn finally stopped her head motions and looked back at the unicorn. “Yeah! Of course!” She coughed. “Whatever you said!” “Indeed, whatever I said!” The unicorn stomped the floor with a hoof. “You’re lucky we’re taking such a glaring offense like civilized ponies!” “We’re civilized!” the alicorn cooed. “That’s, in fact, the only reason why we are not making a scene!” “Not making a scene!” “Uh, I… I apologize,” the employee said. “It wasn’t my intention to…” “Apologizing is not enough!” The azure unicorn arched her eyebrow. “We demand satisfaction!” The employee blinked very slowly. By this point, nopony was doing anything but looking at them. Any kind of financial activity had stopped. “I’m… I’m a little lost here, to be honest.” “I’m a little bit lost too,” the alicorn said. “We’re demanding satisfaction? Isn’t that a little bit… extreme?” The unicorn glared at the alicorn. “Uh.” The alicorn gulped. “I mean, of course we’re demanding satisfaction! That’s, like, the most demanded thing right now! For us! We demand it! Give it to us!” “Satisf—wait, what now?” The employee gulped. “I mean—what?! I didn’t mean anything! I was just—!” “Too late now!” The unicorn waved a hoof. “Now, we have two options here, I believe. The first one, which I think will satisfy everypony, is for you to call your Director and let us talk business with him ipso facto.” She smirked. “I’m sure it won’t be a problem, yes?” The employee blinked. “The… The Director?” “Why, yes. I think that’s what I said,” the unicorn replied. “Princess?” “Uh. Yes, you indeed said that.” “Stupendous.” The unicorn eyed the employee again. “Now go. Quick.” “But…! I can’t send you to the Director like that!” The employee ran a hoof through her mane. “He’s the one in charge of supervising everything we do! If he’s busy, we need to double check everything!” Silence. “Say what, now?” “We’re contractually forced to work twice as slow as we’re working right now if the Director is busy!” Bam. To describe with words what happened in that bank after that sentence was spoken would be hard, but maybe “absolute commotion” would serve. It was as if a bomb had suddenly fallen on the building: every single pony started screaming at the same time. This is not the place to write down the words they said, but it’s safe to assume they weren’t exactly kid-friendly. Some ponies pushed others forward, then somepony stumbled, and next thing they knew, Money Bags Bank might as well have been a battlefield. A certain group actually went and surrounded the alicorn and the unicorn while saying some pretty hurtful things, but then… “Say, dear?” The unicorn turned around to her alicorn friend, her voice piercing through the crowd like a sword pierces through a crowd. “You are still an alicorn, yes?” The alicorn blinked. “Uuuh.” “If you were to, say, set fire to everything in this bank, money and ponies included, how long would it take you?” The alicorn frowned. “Why are you asking me that?” “Just answer the question, darling.” “Hmm.” The princess tapped her chin twice. “Around three fifty-two hundredths of a second, give or take.” Absolute silence. The unicorn arched an eyebrow. “You’re being surprisingly precise there.” “Well, I have burned my personal quota of things.” The alicorn waved a hoof. “It was a phase. I thought the sparkles were pretty.” “Uh-huh.” The unicorn turned to the employee once more. “Remember how I said we had two options? The second one involves pretty sparkles.” She batted her eyelashes and put on the brightest of smiles. “Your move?” “Okay, that could have gone better,” Pinkie said. “But all’s end what ends well: they’re inside! The Director took them to his office.” “What do you mean, ‘it could have gone better’?” Fluttershy asked. “What happened?” “They recognized Twilight. Apparently, the wings and horn were too much, even for the pink paint.” Rainbow snorted. “Well, that was predictable.” “What about Rares?” Applejack asked, poking Pinkie on the shoulder. “Did they catch’ er too?” “Nah, I don’t think so.” Pinkie put her eye on the periscope once again. “She saved the whole thing. She’s very good at being a bully!” Silence. “Actually, she’s disturbingly good at it,” Pinkie muttered. “I’m a little afraid, to be honest.” “What?” “Oh, yeah, and the paint worked!” “Ah. Shucks.” Applejack kicked the ground. “Ah was hopin’ for it to be useless.” They were all outside of the bank, hiding between the bushes surrounding the building—“Convenient!” Twilight had said after seeing them. “I wonder why this bank isn’t robbed more often”— peeking through the windows with Pinkie’s favorite portable periscope. “Even if it wasn’t, you wouldn’t have time to get it out,” Dash said. “So deal with it, girl.” AJ grumbled something offensive under her breath. “So what do we do now?” Spike asked, caressing his fake moustache. “Do we go to Phase Two now or…?” “Oh, yeah!” Dash clapped her hooves. “Do that! I want to get to Phase Three as fast as possible!” “Just remember, sugarcube…” Applejack smirked at Dash. “No backsies.” “In your dreams, AJ.” “Um, Twilight said we should wait a little to avoid suspicion,” Fluttershy said. “I think it’s best if we follow the plan all the way.” “I’m with Shy. And we can check on them while we wait!” Pinkie said, looking away from the periscope once again. “The Director’s office has a window, too!” “Princess Twilight Sparkle! I’m so glad to see you’ve decided to join the Money Bags Bank family. How can I help you?” The Director was a fat, green pony with very small glasses and an even smaller necktie. Small enough, Twilight noticed, to be completely ineffective—his eyes were clearly not looking through those miniglasses, and the fat of his neck covered up virtually the entirety of the tie. He looked like a very small child wearing their father’s clothes, only in reverse. “My name is—” “Forget it, Princess,” Rarity interrupted, taking a seat. The Director was already sitting at the other side of the table, and soon Twilight followed too. “There’s no sense in trying to do that now.” Rarity tapped the table twice and smiled at the Director. “My name is Azure Jewel, mister, and my client—” She pointed at Twilight. “—wanted to come here incognito, for purely private reasons. I take it as a given that neither you nor your employees are going to say anything about our visit, yes?” “Uh.” The Director blinked. “Yes, of course! I mean, uh, no, we won’t say a thing!” He crossed his forelegs. “We’re very professional when it comes to customers’ privacy.” “Good.” Rarity nodded. “Now, as Princess Twilight’s personal accountant and manager, I decided she should break some traditions and start using banks for once, as we could really benefit from the experience and achieve certain private goals that, obviously, can’t be shared.” She arched an eyebrow at the Director. “I of course assume that you already know that Princesses never use banks for purely political reasons, hence our extreme requirement for secrecy.” “Indeed!” Twilight said, clapping her hooves. Her horn shimmered for a second, and with a flash, a giant scroll appeared in front of them. Twilight grabbed it by one corner, and the thing fell to the ground and then rolled all the way to the door. “Ahem. I want to experiment with your interest rates. I’ve developed a series of extremely complicated and overly distracting terms to explain the exact nature of the monetary movements I want to realize.” Rarity nodded again. “We were thinking about a little economical juggling. I personally suggest taking a small credit, no more than a thousand bits, and then immediately buy as many shares as possible, without dealing with intermediaries.” “I was actually thinking about fifteen percent, Azure.” Twilight looked at Rarity. “The thing is, as this is a small bank, the selection of shares we can buy is pretty small, so we need to be careful. Now, Director, what I want to do…” “Oooooh. They’re good.” Pinkie smirked. “That’s Brains and Rarity for you!” “Why? What’s happening?” Spike asked, biting his lip. “What are they doing?” “I think they’re improvising some mumbo-jumbo. I don’t understand a thing!” Pinkie giggled. “And the Director is sweating a lot!” “Chances are he’s not getting anything either,” Dash said, flapping her wings a little. “Guy’s an idiot.” “So they’re distracting him?” Fluttershy asked, poking Pinkie on the back with a hoof. “Is the plan working?” “Yes indeedily!” Pinkie took her face away from the periscope once again and put her foreleg over Fluttershy’s shoulders. “We can continue with Phase Two!” “Y’think y’all can handle it, sugarcube?” asked Applejack. “You can’t really use mumbo-jumbo like Rares and Twi.” “Applejack, please.” Pinkie Pie made a swift movement with her hoof, and suddenly there were a pair of sunglasses on it. She put them on, her other foreleg still over Fluttershy’s shoulder, and her smirk got even bigger. “They don’t call me ‘Boss’ for nothing.” When the alicorn and the unicorn disappeared into the Director’s office, the employees continued with their work. And true to their word, they double-checked everything. The crowd was not exactly pleased. Sure, alicorn threats are surprisingly useful to calm people down, but they were alone again and forgetting vital lessons is incredibly easy for ponies. Bottom line: the clock was ticking, the temperature was rising, the employees were being slow, the weekend was approaching, and the crowd wasn’t getting smaller. Everypony was getting a little nervous. And by “little nervous” one of course means “absolutely furious”. There’s an ancient prophecy that says the world is going to end someday, and the culprit will be, somehow, a financial institution. Everypony thinks it’s going to be spot-on. So there they were: Seven hundred thousand million ponies feeling the urge to break things. There was a lot of noise, as everypony was talking at the same time, and one could smell Armageddon in the air. Killer glares everywhere, curses under one’s breath, tense backs, gritted teeth, little pushes and small kicks, sweaty manes, and a general feeling of overwhelming rage. Pretty slow day, compared to the day before Hearths Warming Eve. And of course, two unusual mares (different from the two unusual mares from before) chose that exact moment to enter the bank: a white earth pony and a grey pegasus. “HEEEELL-O EVERYPONY!” “Uuuuuh.” Spike was the one with his eye on the periscope now. “Uuuuuuuh.” “What’s happening? What’s wrong?” Applejack poked Spike on the side with a hoof. “Spike?” He stumbled away from the device and frowned. “Either this doesn’t work, or Pinkie is not really following the plan.” Rainbow Dash squinted. “Is that mariachi music coming out of the bank?” “Okay. Yeah, Pinkie’s not following the plan.” Spike sighed. “She, uh, she’s throwing a party in there.” Silence. Rainbow Dash looked at Applejack. “You know, I have the feeling we should be a little more surprised about this.” Applejack squinted. “Ah’m too busy tryin’ to understand where she got the mariachi band from.” “Apparently, some ponies inside just happened to have trumpets with them,” Spike explained, still peeking through that periscope. “Pinkie is doing a really good job, though! Everypony seems to be rather happy. Even the mariachi.” “So… Do we go to Phase Three now?” Dash frowned. “Because I think I’m pretty lost here.” “Especially the mariachi. They’re having the time of their lives.” “Hold on, Rainbow.” Applejack raised a hoof. “Spike? What’s Fluttershy doin’?” “She’s the bartender.” Silence. Rainbow arched an eyebrow. “There’s a bar there?” “There is one, now. Pinkie put it right next to the karaoke machine.” “Well that’s just marvelous.” AJ shook her head. “Rainbow, Ah honestly don’t know what to do here. Do we try to follow the plan, or…?” “Never mind, the karaoke machine is now on fire. They lost control of the fireworks.” “Why are you asking me, AJ? Twilight and Pinkie are the ones who have a say in the whole planning business.” Dash shrugged. “I’m just here for the giggles.” “Ah know, but somethin’ tells me we have to improvise now.” She frowned. “Ah mean…” “Wait!” Spike yelled, turning to the two mares. “The Secretary came out of her office! I think the plan is working!” “What is going on in here?! Who is responsible for this?!” The Secretary was a brown mare with a blonde mane and a lot of teeth. She had enough teeth to embarrass any shark. She looked like she could bite off a piece of the walls any second. Those teeth were pearl-white, glimmering and beautiful. And probably sharper than any needle. She had walked out of her office because she had heard something fishy going on in the public part of the bank. Now that she was there and could see everything with her own eyes, “fishy” wasn’t cutting it anymore. It was whaley, at least. “Miss Secretary!” The same employee that had talked to the four mares saw the brown mare and waved a hoof at her. “We’re having a party!” “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!” “I have no idea, but the soda that mare brought is amazing.” The employee raised the red plastic cup she’d been drinking from. “Want to try it?” “NO, I DON’T WANT TO TRY IT!” The Secretary shook her head, trotted towards the employee, and smacked the cup to the floor. “STOP THIS MADNESS IMMEDIATELY! WHO DID THIS?!” The employee flinched a little and took a step back. “Uuuh.” She pointed at the dancefloor. “The white one next to the disco ball.” For a second there, the employee could have sworn there was smoke coming out of the Secretary’s nostrils. The white pony right next to the disco ball was, of course, dancing. In fact, almost everypony was dancing. Kind of a feat, seeing how crowded the place was. That mariachi band had somehow ended up with a set of drums, and now they were playing something that sounded like a typical mariachi song with polka and rock elements. Very alternative, but the Secretary wasn’t having any of it. Thing is: everypony was smiling. There were laughs, there were giggles, there were nice conversations, random things were on fire, at least one pony was completely covered in chocolate, and overall, there was a nice feeling in the room. That wasn’t a normal party: it was a good party. There was no sign of the tension that had been hanging in the bank mere minutes ago. “Happy ponies?!” the Secretary muttered while walking towards the culprit. “In my bank?! Not on my watch!” “You know, I like how you use your story to subtly criticise the bank.” Money Banks arched an eyebrow. “Nearly undetectable. Did the Secretary eat puppies for dinner, too? That would be a nice touch.” Twilight frowned. “I’m telling it how it went.” “Oh, yeah. I’m not doubting that.” Money Bags sighed. “After all, anypony can just summon mariachi at will.” He turned a little. “Right, guys?” “YEAH!” Silence. “I swear to Celestia, guys, one day I’m going to send you all to some dialectic lessons, because this is just ridiculous.” “YEAH!” “You are not helping.” “Do you want to continue with my story, or are you too busy realizing your past mistakes?” Twilight asked, glaring at Money Bags. “Sass me not, Princess.” Money Bags snorted. “I’m not the one tied to a chair.” “Hmph.” “Anyway, I don’t believe what you’re saying.” Money Bags sighed. “But, to be honest? I’m pretty sure the truth is not too far from your story. You’re not the lying kind.” He waved a hoof. “Continue.” When the white pony disappeared—dragging the grey pegasus behind her—the rest of the party followed easily. The whole transformation, from bank to party to crazy party to out of control party to bank again had lasted a maximum of eleven minutes. Even the disco ball disappeared, although there still were drinks everywhere. The Secretary had appeared like a hurricane, showing that smile of hers that had the one and only purpose of showing teeth. Kind of what wild dogs do when they want to intimidate. “No, seriously, I’m so pumped up for the puppy-eating scene right now.” Twilight grumbled. …The Secretary had arrived, talked with the white pony, and then dragged her to her office. Apparently, that party animal was there for business too. The Secretary had personally made sure she would leave as soon as possible. Which meant that, at the moment, two out of three important ponies at the bank were busy talking with somepony else. The Director’s office was closed, and if one stood near the door, a surprisingly boring muttering could be heard. If one approached the Secretary’s office, however, there was no muttering. There was something that sounded like muffled mariachi music, though. That, and grinding teeth. “Okay. So that happened.” Spike put the periscope down and turned to face the last two mares in that convenient bush. “I don’t know why I’m surprised anymore.” “Yeah, she’s Pinkie Pie.” Dash shrugged. “You just need to go with the flow.” Applejack sighed. “So we’re good?” “I think so.” Spike tapped his chin a couple times. “Twilight said that we should wait for a couple minutes between phases, but…” “Ah’m pretty sure Pinkie broke that plan when she threw trumpets at the bank,” Applejack said. “Ah say we should do this as fast as possible.” She turned at Dash. “You game, sugarcube?” Rainbow smirked. “Any time, cowgirl.” CRASH! “AH’M GONNA KICK YOU SO HARD, YOUR GRANDPARENTS WILL GET DIZZY!” “OH, YEAH? WELL, THEN I’M GOING TO KICK YOU SO HARD, YOU’RE GOING TO…! TO…!” Silence. “I’LL KICK YOU REALLY HARD!” It’s a safe bet to assume that, by the time those two mares crashed through the door and fell in that impossibly crowded bank, somehow managing to avoid landing on an innocent bystander, the customers and employees were pretty much used to weird stuff happening around them. After a threatening Princess and a random partygoer, two mares punching each other wasn’t that much of a thing. In fact, for a second or two, the crowd didn’t even bother looking at them. Celestia above, they were just two random mares punching each other in the face. Then everypony turned around at the same time and stared with wide eyes, because they were two random mares punching each other in the face. Applejack was painted green, Rainbow Dash was cream-colored, and they were looking at each other with their best War Faces. Those were different from their usual faces because they were very war-like. All smirking and frowning and so. Rainbow Dash, feeling like she was losing the one-liners duel, chose to just go and tackle Applejack, because fighting was all about the physical stuff, after all. BOOM! The crowd gasped. However, Applejack recovered pretty fast, and then launched herself against Rainbow Dash. She managed to land on top of her. And then she started punching. “YEEE-HAH!” The cowgirl let a ferocious smile creep to her face as she rocked Dash’s world like a particularly punch-heavy hurricane. “HOW D’YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, SUGARCUBE?!” “Ouch!” Dash shook her head and pushed AJ away with help from her wings. “Hah! I indeed like them apples!” She pointed at AJ. “I like them, uh…” Her ears went flat against her head. “I-I like them red! Yeah! That will teach you!” Silence. “…Say what?” “I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR BUTT INCREDIBLY HARD!” And then she tried to tackle Applejack again. Now, Dash was good at fighting. She was in good shape, she was fast… all that jazz. But Applejack had learned a very important thing in her job: if something is close to you, you kick it. It worked with trees, it worked with pegasi, and that was pretty much it, because there was nothing else Applejack had ever needed to kick. So it’s not like Dash had even a ghost of a chance. Now, of course, none of them got really injured. Dash lost a little control now and then, but Applejack was tough enough to bear it. As for her blows, she was strong enough to actually control the strength of the punch or kick. Rainbow Dash was in good hooves. “Are you trying to impress me with your friends?” Money Bags laughed softly. “Princess, no matter what you say, unless your friends are the size of a small dragon, they are not a threat to my guys.” Twilight frowned and looked at the watermelonian guys. Yep. Still as watermelonian as ever. “…Anyway,” she said, “Applejack and Rainbow Dash faked a fight, and then…” Even though the other two unusual and yet unrelated occurrences Money Bags Bank had been through that afternoon had been, objectively speaking, more interesting—or at least more trauma-inducing—the employees soon noticed that, well, a fight wasn’t a good thing. The employee that had talked to the Secretary, the white party pony, and the princess was the one who first got up and walked towards the two brawlers, determined to stop them. Then she saw how the green one punched, and thought that, hey, they didn’t pay her for that kind of thing. Better to call a superior. However, the Secretary was apparently too busy dealing with the mariachi music in her office, and the Director was either scared or very scared of the alicorn, because neither of them answered when she knocked at their doors. Shrugging, then, she knocked at the Soda Guy’s office door. The Soda Guy opened immediately. He was a blue unicorn with the slickest mullet ever. That thing was a work of art in itself: it shone like a star and was as hard as a rock. The employee couldn’t look directly at it, as the purest of shimmerings blinded her greatly when she dared to raise her eyes at such magnificence. The Soda Guy didn’t say a thing—he was too busy drinking from a can of soda. He just looked at the employee and arched an eyebrow. “Um, sorry for annoying you, sir,” she said after clearing her throat, “but there’s an altercation going on at the door, and…” She pointed at the other two offices in there, both with the door closed. “There’s just nopony else available.” The Soda Guy didn’t say a thing. He took a gulp out of his can of soda, then looked at the two closed doors, then at the employee. Then he took another gulp. “…Please?” the employee asked. “They’re two mares, and they might hurt themselves if they continue!” “AH’M GOIN’ TO WHOOP YOUR FEATHERS OFF, YA BIRD-BRAIN!” “OH, YEAH?! WELL, I’M GOING TO WHOOP YOUR FEATHERS OFF!” Silence. “Sugarcube, Ah’m an earth pony. Ah don’t have no feathers.” “THAT’S BECAUSE I ALREADY WHOOP’D THEM OFF!” The crowd gasped. “There they are!” The employee dragged the Soda Guy over by one of his legs and pointed at the two wild mares that were trying to beat the living heart out of each other. “Please, do something!” The Soda Guy eyed the two mares. A green earth pony and a cream-colored pegasus that had managed to avoid destroying the bank, but that were greatly hurting each other. Plus, nopony was working at all, and that was kind of a nuisance. The Soda Guy was a mysterious figure, but judging by the look in his eyes, he was pretty sure his time to shine had come. With a swift movement he readjusted his mullet and cracked his neck, walking towards the two mares. He raised his faithful can of soda, ready to take the last gulp before stopping the quarrel with his superpowers, or whatever his plan was… Only to discover his soda can was empty. He frowned and shook the can. Eeyup, it was completely empty. He rolled his eyes and crunched it with his magic before throwing it at a nearby trash can. He licked his lips, frowning a little… “Um.” The employee poked him in the side and pointed to the right. “Sir? You can have one of these. The party pony brought them, and they’re good, I promise.” The Soda Guy followed that hoof, and lo and behold, there were some red plastic cups on a table. He stared at them for a couple seconds before shrugging and taking one. He turned around to face the two brawling mares once again as he took a sip of the yellow liquid in that cup. And then everything went silent. The Soda Guy’s pupils grew small, like two peas in the ocean, and then they became almost as big as the entire eyeball. He started trembling. Everything around him turned white. He was surrounded by nothing. Even his body disappeared, Existence as a whole became nothing but that sweet, sweet taste in his mouth. As the bubbles burst uponof his tongue, he took another sip, and the sensation prevailed. Suddenly, nothing but that soda was important. The Soda Guy forgot his fears and worries, his mind completely clear for the first time in his life. He defeated his inner demons right there, in that very moment. With just a sip of soda, he realized he’d been living his life wrong, but he still had time to sort things out. He’d find his purpose. He had to find the mare who had created that heavenly drink, and then he had to become her pupil. He would know her when he saw her, just like he had known she was a mare. And to do that, he had to leave his whole life behind, and not look back. There was no trace of doubt in his mind. Looking at the two brawling mares without seeing them, the Soda Guy drank the rest of the cup and walked away from Money Bags Bank, towards the sunset… “You’re telling me the Soda Guy reached enlightenment because he drank some particularly good soda.” Money Bags massaged his temples. “I‘m going to be honest: I don’t know if you’re messing with me or if you’re just pretty dumb.” Twilight glared at him. “I’m telling it how it went.” “Yes, and you just told me that Soda Guy discovered the meaning of life because of a drink.” Money Bags ran both hooves through his mane. “What was in that cup anyway?” “Soda,” Twilight replied. “Very good soda, I guess. I never tried it.” “One of my employees reached Nirvana because your friend happens to go to the best soda store in Equestria.” Money Bags nodded. “Yep! Sounds legit to me!” “Are you implying I’m lying?!” “Me? Imply?” Money Bags snorted. “Celestia, no. I’m outright saying it.” “What?! No!” Twilight shook her head. “I’m telling the truth!” “Princess, that makes less sense than my guards’ retirement plan.” “YEAH!” “Guys, shush.” “You know,” Twilight said, looking at the guards, “I’m pretty sure their cousin or something lives in Ponyville. He even went to the Equestria Games. Really nice guy, actually. He looked like a beast until Fluttershy tamed him.” “Eh, they’re not related to each other.” Twilight blinked. “Really?” “Yeah.” Money Bags turned around to look at the guards too. “Weird, I know. There are ponies like that all around Equestria with absolutely no relationship between each other at all.” Silence. “That’s… surprisingly disturbing.” Money Bags shrugged. “They’re cheap. That works for me.” He turned back to Twilight. “Anyway, I was calling you out on your filthy lies, you filthy liar.” “I’m not filthy!” “Sure.” Money Bags sighed. “Lucky for you, I’m willing to let you keep with the story, because I’m pretty sure what you’re telling me is more or less true, even if the details are fishy.” He squinted. “Ponyville’s Money Bags Bank did go through an impromptu party and suffered the disappearance of one of its employees for unknown reasons.” Twilight’s ears went flat against her head. “You… you knew?” “Of course I knew. It’s one of my banks.” He waved a hoof. “Now continue. But try to keep the really ridiculous stuff out of the story, please.” Nopony really knew how to react when the Soda Guy walked away, his pupils the size of twin bowling balls. Even Applejack and Rainbow Dash paused their faked fight to see him ignore them completely. The employee just stood there with her mouth open wide, and the crowd just shrugged and kept looking at the brawling mares. Eventually, AJ and Dash realized they had to keep it going, so they resumed their conflict. “YER GONNA GET IT!” “YOU’RE GONNA GET IT TWICE!” “You seriously need to practice this kind of thing more often, Dash.” “SHUT UP!” The three employees looked at each other, a pout on their faces. The Soda Guy was gone, the Secretary was gone, and the Director was gone. That meant they were the only ones who could stop the fight. The building trembled a little after one of the earth pony’s punches. The three employees gulped. At the same time. And while all this was happening inside of the building, Spike was peeking through the same window, using that pink periscope Pinkie had produced out of absolutely nowhere. Once the three employees walked towards Dash and Applejack, he got up and threw the periscope away. The Soda Guy’s disappearance was weird, but then again, Phase Three was all about distracting him, so it didn’t really matter, he thought as he approached the bank’s door. From that moment on, everything became extremely easy. Everypony was too busy looking at how the employees tried—and failed—to get Dash and AJ away from each other, so nopony noticed the sombrero-wearing, moustache-wielding handsome little dragon that got in as fast as his little legs could run. The worst part was trying not to step on anypony, but he managed that. Once inside the private part of the bank, there was no problem either. The Director and the Secretary were still too busy dealing with his friends, and the Soda Guy’s office door was open. “Hah!” Spike said, as he approached the Soda Guy’s desk. “Easy-peasy-one-two-threesy!” And indeed, it was easy enough to count to three in mockery at it. Soon, Spike found the red inkwell he’d been looking for, and he replaced it with the green inkwell he’d brought in his giant sombrero. However, he knocked down a documents stack while doing so, but the sombrero was so big it actually obscured his view, and he didn’t notice. Likewise, he didn’t notice the document that got stuck to his foot when he stepped on it, and wouldn’t notice it till much later. He got out of the bank as easily as he had gotten in. “…And of course, after investing in there, we can get all our money back with an extra three percent. That will give us enough to start with the real thing, that will involve using the annual revenue to partially cheat the system and—” Poof! Twilight’s ramble was interrupted by a sudden burst of green flames in front of her face. It lasted less than a second, and when it went away, there was a scroll in front of her. She grabbed it with her magic and gave it a read. “Hmm,” she said, looking at the Director, “it seems like we need to go; royal business await—” CRASH! The office itself seemed to tremble a little when the door opened, revealing a panting, grinning Pinkie Pie, with Fluttershy flying right behind her. “Girls! We’re done!” the party pony said. “What—?” “No time to explain! Smoke Bomb!” “What—?!” And then Pinkie Pie threw a smoke bomb into the office. Yeah. To be honest, Twilight should have seen it coming. Said “smoke bomb” was apparently a small grey ball—Twilight couldn’t take a good look at it—that exploded the moment it touched the ground. Half a second later, the room was completely filled with a dense white smoke that smelled like pancakes. The Director screamed. Twilight screamed. Rarity muttered something among the lines of “oh, dear”. And then Twilight felt somepony grabbing her and next thing she knew they had jumped out of the window. She managed to land on all fours—a feat not imitated by Rarity, sadly—and turned around, her face a curious mixture between a frown, a confused frown, a pout, and a slightly angered frown. She was frowning a lot. “Pinkie, what in the name of—!” “No time to explain, Twilight!” Pinkie interrupted, showing a smile twice as big as Twilight’s entire face. “RUN!” And before she could say anything else, Pinkie ran away as fast as her legs could move her. Fluttershy shortly followed. Rarity turned to look at Twilight, then shrugged, and ran away too. Twilight stood there for a second or two, trying to wrap her mind around what had just happened. She turned around and took a peek at Money Bags Bank one last time… And saw that every single window of the bank was oozing with smoke. Literally. Every single one of them. The Director’s office had been quite the small room, and Pinkie had filled it with just one smoke bomb. Twilight wasn’t completely sure if it’d been enough for the smoke to flood out of the window, but even assuming that had been the case, to completely fill the bigger rooms of the Bank, Pinkie would have needed at least ten… No, twenty smoke bombs. Twenty smoke bombs. Twilight nodded to herself. Yep. That sounded about right. Twenty smoke bombs. Pinkie Pie had thrown twenty smoke b— Twilight immediately turned around and ran as fast as she could, screaming at the top of her lungs the whole time. “That. Was. SO. FUN!” Pinkie said, jumping up and down like a filly at her worst enemy’s cuteceañera. “We have to do this again some time!” “No.” “No.” “No.” “No.” “No.” “Yeah!” Dash nodded, a huge grin on her face. “That was awesome!” Everypony (and Spike) glared at Rainbow Dash. They were back at Twilight’s, washing off their coats. It was an interesting view, Twilight thought, as she saw Fluttershy leaving the grey behind and returning to her usual yellow with the magic of soap and water. It reminded her of that horrible day at the royal maze. “Ah won’t say it wasn’t interestin’,” Applejack said, “but Ah don’t think repeatin’ it would be wise.” “Why not?! We totally rocked the bank!” Dash replied, still grinning. “It was amazing!” “Sure it was, sugarcube.” Twilight arched an eyebrow. Dash and AJ had managed to run away once Spike had sent them the note and apparently the crowd had been so baffled by their sudden change of attitude that they hadn’t stopped them. “Rainbow, I’m pretty sure we caused a lot of trouble.” “Oh, no!” Fluttershy frowned. “You said we wouldn’t do anything wrong, Twilight!” “I know, but we didn’t follow the plan completely, did we?” Twilight eyed Pinkie. “Somepony chose to throw a party, and the rest is history.” “But they really looked like they needed it!” Pinkie said. “We made them smile a lot! Right, Fluttershy?” “Hm. The Secretary wasn’t smiling that much,” Fluttershy said. “What are you talking about? She was smiling the whole time!” “No, she was showing her teeth.” Fluttershy shook her head. “It’s a little different. Bears do the same thing when they try to kill something.” Pinkie frowned. “Eh. Close enough.” “Still, we’re not doin’ this ever again. It was irresponsible, we caused a lot of trouble, and no matter what we said, Ah think it ended up bein’ pretty illegal.” Applejack scratched the back of her neck, frowning. “Darn it, Ah can still smell that stupid paint all on me! Ah’m never wearin’ that—” “Hey, Spike!” Dash flew towards the young dragon and pointed at his right foot. “You have something stuck there.” “Ah?” Spike looked down. “Oh. What’s this?” As he grabbed it and brought it to his face, the rest of the gang looked at the scroll too. It was completely filled with the most professional-looking hoofwriting any of them had ever seen, plus countless charts and tables filled with numbers. “Is it from the bank?” Rarity asked. “I think so,” Spike said. “Do you understand it?” “No.” “Nope.” “Noppidy-nope-nop!” “Nuh-huh.” “No.” “Let me check.” Twilight’s horn glimmered for a second, and the scroll came floating to her. “Hmm. We need to return this, I think it’s important.” She gave it a quick read. “Rates, investment, credit default swaps… Wait.” She frowned. “Credit default swaps?” The room fell in silence as Twilight’s tone got colder. Her eyes were completely focused on the scroll, now. Credit default swaps, indeed. But that wasn’t the whole thing. “He’s cheating the system,” Twilight said. “Money Bags is cheating the system.” Rarity cocked her head to her left side. “What?” “I’m pretty sure you’ve managed to step on the most important paper in the whole bank, Spike,” Twilight said. “If what this says is true, Money Bags has been abusing the anonymity of the future stock market to plan financial attacks on entities and then getting money out of it. Credit default swaps.” Silence. Rarity cocked her head to her right side. “What?” Twilight raised her eyes from the scroll. “Money Bags, the owner of the bank, is abusing a loophole that I didn’t know existed to get benefits out of anonymous financial attacks. He’s buying credit default swaps and then getting money out of defaults on credits. Defaults that he himself is causing, but as the free market is anonymous, it’s not—” Rarity cocked her head to her left side. “What?” “He’s doing evil economics!” The five mares and Spike gasped. “Evil economics?!” Pinkie covered her mouth with a hoof. “That’s the worst kind of economics out there!” “Yes.” Twilight looked back at the scroll. “He’s literally making bets on innocent ponies, and then manipulating those bets to get money.” Silence. Twilight rolled her eyes. “He does something bad, ponies get poor, he gets richer.” Everypony else blinked. “Oooooooh.” Rarity nodded. “Now I get it.” “And the worst thing is, I think this is technically illegal, but…” Twilight’s frown became deeper. “This is serious, girls. We can’t allow this to happen.” “What?” Fluttershy frowned. “What do you mean?” “Judging by this, Money Bags is attacking Manehattan. The whole city. Financially.” Twilight sighed. “I’m pretty sure this counts as an actual threat against Equestria.” Silence. “Then… Then what are we gonna to do?” “Hm.” Twilight bit her lip. “Well, we can send a letter to the Princesses, that’s for sure. But we got this paper with an, um, unorthodox method, so I’m not sure if it counts as a proof, legally speaking.” She looked at her friends. “Plus, the scroll is all nameless data—it mentions Manehattan and some financial movements, but as I said, the future stock market is anonymous. It has no names.” Silence. Dash squinted. “You do realize the moment you start talking like that we don’t get a thing, right?” “I got that last part,” Rarity said. “That document has no names. We can’t link it to Money Bags.” “We know it means he’s doing this, uh, evil economic thing,” Twilight said, “but we know it’s Money Bags because we got it from one of his banks.” She frowned. “Apparently, the Soda Guy was pretty important. Playing with this kind of information…” “Are we sure it’s from Money Bags, then?” Fluttershy asked. “I mean, if we got it from the Soda Guy’s office…” “The Soda Guy works for Money Bags, and this is clearly official,” Twilight said. “No private business here. It comes from the higher-ups.” “So… Money Bags is a bad guy?” Spike scratched his chin. “Are we sure of that? He looks like a nice pony.” Dash arched an eyebrow. “You’ve met him?” “I lived in Canterlot for years!” Spike replied. “I’ve seen his casino countless times, and it has a photo of him on the door.” “Well, I’m afraid he is not as nice as he looks, Spike,” Twilight said. “At all.” “But then… What do we do? What does this mean?” Silence. Twilight looked at her friends, still frowning. “It means, girls,” she said, “that we’re robbing a casino.” More silence. “That means painting our coats again.” Applejack squinted. “Consarn it.” Author's Note Man, now I wanna know what Dash did in high school.
Third Chapter - Behind Every Great Crime Lies A Great PlanView OnlineCrime and FunishmentThird Chapter - Behind Every Great Crime Lies A Great Plan“So you just happened to find the one and only document in the whole bank that explained my schemes?” “Your evil schemes, yes.” Twilight glared at Money Bags, frowning. “It didn’t say what evils you were up to word for word, of course, but I didn’t have any trouble understanding the whole picture.” “Hmm.” The pegasus licked his lips, a little spark of something Twilight couldn’t identify in his eyes. “I’m fairly sure I didn’t leave any accusatory papers out there.” “Well, I wouldn’t say it was accusatory per se,” Twilight muttered, averting his eyes for a moment, ears flat against her head. She soon broadened her shoulders and raised her chin, the perfect picture of a very dignified pony tied to a chair. “But if you knew what to look for, it was easy to see you were cheating the system.” “If you know what to look for?” Money Bags laughed. “Oh, Princess Twilight. That’s exactly my problem here.” He got up from his chair and approached Twilight, still smirking in that weird way. “You saw a little note about credit default swaps, and you immediately understood I had attacked Manehattan? Really?” “Yes. As I said, it was easy if you knew what to look for.” Twilight sighed. “My first idea was to tell Princess Celestia immediately, but—” “No.” Money Bags stopped barely two inches from Twilight’s face. “You see, I can accept your nonsensical ramblings about soda-maniacs understanding the meaning of the universe with a sugary drink, but this is where I draw the line. Somepony told you about my schemes. Now, the question is, who did?” His pupils grew small, smaller than a fly. “Which one betrayed me?” Twilight blinked. “What? What are you talking ab—?” “Was it my secretary?” Money Bags interrupted. “She could have heard me while I was talking to my sister the other day. Or maybe was it one of the higher-ups?” A pause. “My sister, perhaps? Did she finally find that ounce of conscience mother was always talking about? No, I don’t believe that, either…” “No, seriously.” Twilight squinted. “What are you even talking about?” “Somepony clearly told you about my plans,” Money Bags said. “Somepony who either knew of them first-hoof, or who heard me talking about them. Sure, I’ve been careful about it, but mistakes happen.” “What? No!” Twilight rolled her eyes. “I just told you: I found that paper, and I saw what your plans were. You literally wrote them there for me.” “No. No, I didn’t.” Money Bags smirked. “You see, I didn’t become who I am being careless like that. You didn’t see any paper. Of that, I’m sure.” “Of course I did!” “No, you didn’t!” Money Bags was the one rolling his eyes now. “Princess Twilight, I’m willing to listen to your nonsense, but when it outright insults me you’re crossing a particular line that —” “You’re not making any sense.” Money Bags sighed again, massaging the space between his eyes. “Okay, seeing how your skull is thicker than I thought, I’m going to explain this from the beginning,” he muttered. “You say you understand my latest financial movements. Manehattan’s attack, for example.” “You’re using evil economics to steal a lot of money.” Silence. “Like, a lot.” Silence. Money Bags squinted. “That’s some amazing understanding, right there.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “You’re using credit default swaps to fool the futures market and steal money legally. Seeing how the futures market is anonymous, and how credit default swaps are nothing but bets against your own clients, you’re more or less destroying the lives of thousands of ponies.” A pause. Twilight and Money Bags glared at each other. “I don’t buy it.” Money Bags shook his head. “It’s impossible for you to deduce all of this with just one paper. And you know why?” He frowned. “Because the only reason why the futures market is anonymous is yours truly. The only reason why credit default swaps exist is yours truly. I designed the whole thing. I’m not just the best banker in Equestria: I was the first one! If the modern bank system exists, it’s because of me!” “I’m pretty sure that makes you the worst monster that’s ever existed.” “You know that mumbo-jumbo all bankers use?! That one nopony can understand?!” Money Bags snorted. “I wrote that mumbo-jumbo! I created that from scratch! Nopony but me understands what’s going on with the gold in this kingdom! Princess Celestia herself has to ask me for advice whenever she tries to do something with her money! You can’t understand those papers! Nopony can! I made them like that on purpose, for Celestia’s sake!” “YEAH!” “SHUT UP!” Money Bags shot a killer glare at his watermelonian guards, and they actually took a step back at it. Little puffs of steam came out of his nostrils with every breath. Then he turned to Twilight, and this time he was baring his teeth like a wild dog. “You can’t understand the system, Twilight Sparkle. I am the system. And if you do, then it’s clear somepony close to me has told you, and if that’s the case—” “An Economical Guide for the Modern Times.” Silence. Money Bags blinked. “What?” “An Economical Guide for the Modern Times,” Twilight repeated, arching an eyebrow. “Second edition. With a prologue written by your sister, by the way.” “I don’t—” “The New Market, third edition. How to Invest Your Money Bags, first edition, personally signed by you. Money Bags: Millionaire Extraordinaire—the Official Biography, Special Edition.” Twilight looked at Money Bags. “Ring a bell?” “Those… Those are my books.” He frowned. “What in tarnation are you—?” “You explained the whole system in those books,” Twilight said. “What is that nonsense about you being the system? You’re definitely not. Sure, you’re an authority, but there are manuals out there. It’s easy to understand everything if you’re willing to learn it.” “I… I wrote those books for show,” Money Bags said. “I used the least user-friendly language I could muster. That’s literally the mumbo-jumboest mumbo-jumbo ever written. Those books are supposed to make zero sense!” “Pffft.” Twilight smirked. “An easy read.” “What—No! They’re not an easy read!” Money Bags bared his teeth again. “They’re the total opposite from an easy read! That stuff is supposed to be deciphered by experts many years after my death!” “Wow, you’re even more humble than I thought.” Twilight shrugged. “What do you want me to say? If you want your evil plans to be secret, don’t write them down.” “I—I can’t…” “Yes, you can.” Twilight’s smirk grew three sizes. “You just did.” Money Bags took a deep breath and closed his mouth. When he looked at Twilight again, his frown had become even bigger. “You think you’re very smart, don’t you?” “Well, I just showed you that I am, yes.” “Hah. You aren’t.” Money Bags cracked his neck and put his hooves on the table. “Let me be clear here: I became rich by my own means when I was barely out of my teenage years. You are a pretty pony princess that lives in a tree. I have the upper hoof here, and you better not forget that.” “I’ve literally been given wings because of my brain.” “And I’ve been given money, and we both know which one is more useful.” He flapped his wings twice. “Plus, I already have two of those. So let me tell you what we’re going to do here.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Of course.” “You are going to keep talking. We are going to ignore this silly chat of ours.” His voice dropped a few octaves. “And when you’re finished, you’re going to tell me who betrayed me and explained the whole thing to you, because I refuse to believe you understood those books. You’re not smart enough.” “Excuse me?” “You were caught, and I have you tied to a chair.” Money Bags smiled. “Don’t forget who won here, Princess.” Silence. Twilight frowned. “And now,” Money Bags continued, “I believe I asked you why you are attacking my casino, and how I can stop you. You’ve wasted a lot of my time already, but we’re getting to the juicy parts, and your sassy friend is still in my power. So you randomly chose to come to Canterlot to stop me?” Twilight gulped before biting her lip. “Yes. I suggested moving in here immediately, but Applejack told me we couldn’t just rent an apartment to plan some kind of extremely complex heist to stop you, that it was crazy…” “…And this is the house I’ve rented to plan our extremely complex heist to stop Money Bags!” “Ah still think this is crazy.” Twilight rolled her eyes. It actually took a while for Twilight to convince her friends that yes, really, they had to go and rob the casino. Of course, there was a good reason for them to be so against the idea—a simple prank, even one as elaborate as the one they had played on Ponyville’s bank, was still harmless. Breaking into one of the most money-filled places in the most money-filled city in Equestria, to take something the owner wanted to keep to himself was a completely different thing altogether. “But what else can we do?” Twilight asked, running a hoof through her mane. They were sitting in her library once again, as it was still their official lair—or at least that was what Pinkie said. “The princesses are out taking care of royal business in Aquastria, and even if we sent them a letter explaining what is happening here, an official deal would take days, or even weeks, to actually have any kind of effect.” “And by that time, Money Bags will have already finished up his plan, right?” Rarity asked. “And wrapped up everything.” “He would probably destroy any kind of proof,” Twilight said, nodding. “But it’s just bank stuff!” Dash said, punching the table. “Can’t the Princess just undo everything he does and kick his butt to the dungeons? That’s what princesses do in this kind of situation!” “Yeah! He took the booty, so we kick his booty!” Pinkie punched the table too. “Dash is right!” “We can’t just throw him in the dungeons without proof,” Twilight explained. “As I said, the princesses are in Aquastria. And even if they were here, they wouldn’t be able to physically get the proof they need to get Money Bags in the dungeons without starting a Lengthy Legal Process first.” “But it can’t be that long, can it?” Fluttershy asked. “I mean, I’m pretty sure the princesses do a good job ruling Equestria…” “No, no, Fluttershy.” Twilight tapped the table twice. “I’m not adding adjectives here. That’s its official name. ‘Lengthy Legal Process’.” Silence. “…Really?” “They realized they could at least be upfront about it,” Twilight said. “So, again, we can’t rely on the princesses for this. If we want to get Money Bags to the law, we need proof. And to get that proof, we need to break the law.” “And into his casino!” Pinkie said. “Sounds like a good plan to me! We just discovered we’re a super team for robbing banks, right?” “Do I get a chance to wear my sombrero again?” Spike asked, poking Twilight on the side. “Because if that’s the case, I’m in.” “Even without the sombrero, you need to be part of the plan, Spike.” Twilight patted his head. “Pinkie was right. We will need teamwork to get in the casino. I’m pretty sure it’s one of the most secure places in Canterlot, and we need to get in there unnoticed. If Money Bags sees us, he might catch on and destroy the accusatory documents. And seeing how the futures market is anonymous, we won’t be able to blame him if he does that, even if we know he did.” Silence. Twilight rolled her eyes. “Evil economics, yaddah yaddah, we have to go.” “Hmm.” Rarity flicked her mane to the side. “You make a compelling argument, dear. That can’t really be denied.” “Yeah! We’re going to go on an adventure!” Dash crossed her legs. “Why are you all so stuck up about it? Come on, it will be fun!” “And this time, if we fail, we won’t get devoured by a dragon,” Fluttershy added. “That’s a nice change.” “I mean, we go on adventures all the time!” “Adventures filled with dragons. Or chimeras. Or hydras. Or giant bears. Or giant spiders. Or—” “Fluttershy is right,” Rarity interrupted. “This will be like any other adventure of ours, but with no scary monsters underneath our beds. I say that’s an improvement.” “And y’all promise there’s no other way?” Applejack squinted at Twilight. “Pinkie promise? We have to do that, or Manehattan gets it?” Twilight nodded. “Pinkie promise.” Applejack sighed. “Well then.” She put both her hooves on the table, a grimace on her face. “Ah guess we’ll have to break the law a little. Ah just hope we don’t get caught. And Ah’m not painting my coat again.” “So you went and bought a house.” Dash turned around and looked at Twilight. “Well, commitment is the first step to win, I guess!” “I rented a house,” Twilight said. “It’s different. And this is serious, girls. Commitment is the least one should expect of us.” The house itself was big enough to fit all seven of them with no trouble. It was exactly like any other Canterlot house ever—white, with a golden roof, three floors, and a million windows. Once one walked inside of it, however, it turned out to be a very cozy place, with carpets and chairs everywhere, and the biggest fireplace one could wish for. “What I don’t understand, however,” Rarity said, unpacking her things, “is how you managed to find such a nice place in just two days, Twilight. Did you use your position as a princess or something?” “What? No!” Twilight rolled her eyes. She had finished unpacking a couple minutes ago. “We need to go incognito, Rarity. Nopony can know we’re here. As for the house, Spike did it.” “Yeah!” He pointed at his chest. “This dragon here is the one who found the house!” “Aren’t you a little young to do that kind of thing?” Applejack arched an eyebrow at Spike. “Rentin’ a house seems too much for a baby dragon, if you ask me.” “Not at all!” Spike smiled. “I discovered loooong ago that any kind of trouble with my age can get flushed away if I throw enough money at it.” “And you had enough money to do this?” “I’m a princess, I’ve been Princess Celestia’s personal student for more than a decade, my brother is the prince of the sister empire, and my mother is a successful novelist.” Twilight said, the left corner of her mouth going up. “Believe me: we had enough money.” “Wait, what?!” Dash looked at Twilight. “You’re rich?! I didn’t know that!” “Rainbow, I had a princess as a babysitter when I was young.” “Well, yeah. But I thought that was because Cadance was really lame.” “Hey!” Pinkie Pie jumped from upstairs—literally, she went from the second floor to the first one in just one jump—and landed right in front of them, causing Twilight to take a step back in surprise. “There are only three rooms up there, girls! Only three rooms!” “Uh?” Twilight blinked. “What?” “I had two days to find a good place near the casino,” Spike said. “I figured you wouldn’t mind.” “What do you mean? We need to share rooms?” Rarity asked. “Because if that’s the case, I’m sleeping with Fluttershy.” “Oh! Oh!” Rainbow raised a hoof up. “I call Applejack!” Twilight frowned. “I’m pretty sure we can just—” “APPLEJACK!” Rainbow shouted, looking at the stairs, “I CALL DIBS ON YOU!” “WHAT?!” came AJ’s voice from the floor above them. “WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!” “WE SHARE A ROOM!” “REALLY?!” “YEAH! ISN’T THAT AWESOME!” “YOU CAN BET THAT PRETTY FACE OF YOURS IT IS! DID YOU BRING THE POKER CARDS?!” Rainbow chuckled. “OF COURSE I DID! DID YOU BRING THE CIDER?!” “’COURSE, SUGARCUBE!” “AWESOME!” “Aaaaand I’m already regretting the decision to come here to live with you for a week,” Rarity said, looking at Rainbow with her eyebrow arched so high it was almost off her face. “Oh, I’m sure it will be fun!” Fluttershy said, flying to their side out of seemingly nowhere. “If we share our room, it will be like if we had a spa date every day, right?” “Yes, indeed.” Rarity pointed at Rainbow Dash, who was flying in circles like a happy mockingbird while yelling something that sounded like ‘yoohooo’. “A spa date with her in the room next to us.” “Now, now, don’t be like that.” Twilight said, patting Rarity’s shoulder. “I’m sure this will be interesting. How bad could it be?” “You do realize you are going to share your room with Pinkie Pie, right?” Pinkie gasped. “Oh my gosh! TWILIGHT! WE CAN HAVE A PARTY EVERY NIGHT! EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT!” Twilight blinked. “Oh dear.” Rarity looked at her. “You’re regretting it too, right?” “This is going to be painful.” “You know, when I asked you to explain to me your plans and how you’re attacking my casino, I wasn’t expecting you to gift me with the tale of how your amazing everyday life works,” Money Bags said. “I couldn’t be happier with this. I’m dying to know how you fixed the bedroom problems. And please, tell me you’re going to explain to me the day the six of you cooked something for the dragon because it’s his birthday in full detail. That would be just lovely.” Twilight huffed. “As I said, if you want to understand the rest, you need the full picture—” “Funny how I don’t remember you saying that, right?” Money Bags clapped his hooves three times. “And hey, I believe that might be because you never said it!” “I don’t—” “In fact, I’m completely sure that I asked you to explain to me something really simple, and instead you just started rambling about drinking tea with your friends, and renting houses, and whatnot.” He snorted. “Which is not to say it’s not interesting, of course! I love incredibly boring stories that lead to absolutely nowhere. They’re the sauce that spices life up, right?” Twilight frowned. “If you want me to go straight to the point, you can just ask me.” “And miss the chance to hear about that time you baked a cake?! Are you serious?!” “You don’t need to be sarcastic!” Twilight said. “And we didn’t bake any—ah. Wait a moment. We did bake a cake. More than one, actually—” “And let me guess: you were going to tell me about it.” Money Bags sighed. “Princess, I’m going to be clear here: either you get to the point, or I turn your friend into lemonade and my guards will drink it. Are we clear?” Silence. “…Lemonade?” “Yes. Lemonade.” Money Bags crossed his legs. “It’s a threat. I don’t know if you’re familiar with those.” “I know it’s a threat!” Twilight said, struggling against the ropes to cross her legs too. “It’s just that… Lemonade?” “Can you please stop trying to change the subject and talk about the stupid heist?!” “Tch.” Twilight looked to the side and bit her lip. “As I was saying, Pinkie and Dash…” “Ahem.” “Okay, okay! So, moving along: we arrived at the house eight days ago. However, we didn’t spend those days baking cakes and throwing parties. In fact, we were quite busy…” Indeed, that week turned out to be one of the busiest—and weirdest—ones Twilight and her friends ever went through. After all, there’s a huge step between choosing to rob a casino and actually robbing a casino. “The first thing is, of course, to find a secure place to plan the entire thing. We can’t get caught, and that means we can’t arouse any suspicion.” Twilight smirked. “Of course, that’s exactly the reason why I rented this house in the first place, so that wouldn’t be a problem.” “But what if somepony looks at who rented the place?” Fluttershy asked. “I mean… Spike is the only baby dragon who lives among ponies…” “By the time anypony tries to follow our trail, we’ll have sent Money Bags to the dungeons.” Twilight shrugged. “I don’t think that will be a problem—as long as Money Bags doesn’t know we’re here before we actually get the documents we want…” “But once we’ve done that, they can still find out that we we’re the ones who broke into the casino, right?” Rarity asked. “If that’s the case, it doesn’t matter if Money Bags is already down, because we would still be criminals.” Silence. Twilight licked her lips. “…We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I’m Princess Celestia’s personal protégé, after all. And, uh, a princess in my own right. I’m pretty sure we’ll sort something out.” “Is it even illegal, if the princess does it?” Again, perhaps this will be a good time to describe that house. Thankfully, it will be a very short description, as, after all, nothing really important happened there. Spike had truly found a good place to hide. It was near the casino, just a couple streets away, and as it has already been said, it had three floors. The second one had the bedrooms—three, as Pinkie Pie had eagerly described—with two beds each. Twilight slept in the same room as Pinkie and Spike, Dash shared hers with AJ, and Fluttershy… Money Bags massaged his temples. “Oh dear Celestia, I feel as if I hadn’t threatened you enough.” …and Fluttershy, of course, shared hers with Rarity. The first floor had the kitchen, where they had baked that incredibly important cake that will come later, in a far more important turn of the story, to change everything and to give new meaning to what is happening… “YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!” Twilight rolled her eyes. …and then, in the same room as that marvelous fireplace they all had fallen in love with, there was a giant round table with seven chairs, perfect for their reunions. That’s where they were all sitting at the moment. It was the day after their arrival, and even though sleeping in the same room as Pinkie had turned out even harder than Twilight had initially thought—that mare had the ability to get confetti from anywhere, no matter how thoroughly Twilight tried to confiscate it all—it had its advantages. “Again, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it,” Twilight said. “Right now I think we should focus on the important thing.” “Yeah! The cake!” Pinkie nodded. “I really like that cake!” “Cake, yes. But we’re talking about something else, I think.” Rarity rested her head on her hooves and looked at Twilight. “Do we have a plan?” “That’s why I gathered you all here to talk. Pinkie had a good idea for the heist, and I think we can make it work, but to do that…” Twilight sighed. “Well, girls, I’m afraid we’re going to need to work a lot.” Everypony gulped. “Now, this is what we’re going to do…” “Welcome to Money Bags Casino.” It was a busy day in Canterlot, and the streets were filled with ponies of all races and colors. Every public building was boiling with activity, and among them, Money Bags Casino stood out, with its bright green and red colors and its countless little lights. There was a security guard at the door, of course. A place like Money Bags Casino couldn’t let everypony in just like that. That particular morning, seven days before the heist, the guard was a big blue earth pony wearing a black jacket and sunglasses, who looked at the two mares in front of them and talked with a voice that sounded like sandpaper rubbing a very big rock. “Names,” he said. Fluttershy, showing a grey coat, gulped. “Um. Uh. I’m—” “The name’s Flowerbomb, fella!” Rainbow, now painted bright red with a blue mane and wearing a giant grey dress, showed the security pony the biggest smile ever shown. “Charmed to meet you! Now open that door!” The security pony didn’t move. “Flowerbomb.” He looked at Rainbow Dash over his sunglasses. “Your name is Flowerbomb.” “Uh. Yeah. That’s what I said, right?” Dash’s smile got a little smaller. “And you want to get in.” “Well. Yes. That’s the main purpose of a door, if I’m not mistaken.” The security guard squinted. “No.” “What?! Why?!” “Because you’re named Flowerbomb, and I have specific orders to not let in any pony with names that evoke explosions, fire, accidents, or any kind of event that might bring death to our customers or the personnel of the casino.” He arched an eyebrow. “I’m sure you understand.” “What?! Of course I don’t understand!” Dash frowned and took flight, hovering right in front of the guard’s face. “That’s stupid! You are stupid! Now let us in!” “Um, Flowerbomb?” Fluttershy asked. “I’m… pretty sure berating him is not going to work in this situation.” “Shut up, Shy, Flowerbomb is talking!” Dash poked the guard in the chest. “Just so you know, my name has nothing to do with explosions! The ‘bomb’ part is a, uh, a family name!” She crossed her legs and smirked. “Yeah! A family name! Take that.” She then turned around and winked at Fluttershy. Fluttershy rolled her eyes. “A family name?” the guard asked, apparently unfazed by that incredibly unsuspicious wink. “So you’re part of the Bomb family.” “Yeah!” “The famous Bomb family that’s been accused of countless terrorist acts? The universally hated criminals?” Silence. Dash blinked. “Um. No. No, I’m not related to them. I’m, uh, a part of the other Bomb family.” The guard’s eyebrow went even higher. “So you’re a part of the Bombs family?” “Yeah!” Dash clapped her hooves. “Eeexactly! That one!” “The same Bombs family that has been accused of countless terrorist acts but is not that hated?” Fluttershy bit her lip. “Oh, dear.” “Okay, no, not that one either!” Dash frowned. “Totally unrelated to those too!” “Huh.” The guard scratched his chin. “The Bomb family, the Bombs family… Ah! You’re part of the Bon family? The candy makers from Ponyville?” “Yeah!” “The candy makers from Ponyville that have been accused of countless terrorist acts and—” “OH, COME ON!” That same morning, in a completely different part of the town, two mares, one painted blue and the other painted pink, were sitting at a café, enjoying a nice cup of tea. Well, one of them was enjoying it, at least. “Nope. Not drinkin’ it.” “Oh, please, Applejack, don’t be a child.” Rarity tapped the table twice with her right hoof, a little frown on her face. “This is literally the first step towards your transformation, and you’re already ruining it!” “Ah’m pretty sure Ah can be one proper lady without drinkin’ this.” Applejack frowned at her cup of tea. The cup of tea returned her gaze with its offensive teaness. “Ah don’t see what this would accomplish.” “Well, I can assure you it would accomplish a lot. Here, let me show you.” Rarity took a sip of her tea and smiled. “Aaah. When all is said and done, nothing is better than a good Canterlot tea. Don’t you think, dear?” “No.” “Oh, come on!” Rarity frowned. “Applejack, you need to take this seriously!” “Ah’m takin’ it seriously!” AJ replied. “It’s just that this thing is dumb!” She crossed her legs and looked to the side. “There. Ah said it.” “This is not dumb, and you need to take your tea.” Rarity sighed. “Look, if you want to get in Money Bags Casino, you need to be la crème de la crème of Canterlot, or at least you need to make others believe you are.” She licked her lips. “Which, to be honest, is the exact same thing as downright being it, but a lady never criticises the rules of high society, unless it gets between her and her loved one.” She arched an eyebrow. “However, I don’t see you looking for a husband, do I?” Silence. “What?” “Shut up and drink your tea,” Rarity said. “Twilight trusts me to turn you into a proper lady, and Celestia as my witness, you’re going to become one by any means necessary.” “Yeah, sure, Ah’ll be a lady!” Applejack rolled her eyes. “Ah’ve been a lady before! Ah was in Manehattan for a while when Ah was just a kiddo, and Ah don’t know if you remember that week you became a farmer?” "In my worst nightmares, yes.” “Yeah. Ah acted like a fancy pony there, didn’t Ah?” Applejack smirked. “Ah don’t need no help, Rares, and Ah certainly don’t need no tea!” “Sometimes Princess Luna is there. Watching. Judging.” Applejack blinked. “Uh, sugarcube?” “Hmm? Ah!” Rarity covered her mouth with a hoof. “My, sorry. I… lost track of my thoughts for a second.” “Your left eye was twitchin’.” “Yes, you shouldn’t have mentioned the mud,” Rarity replied. “Anyway, yes, I know you acted like a lady, but ah, my dear…” She pressed her hooves together right under her chin and shot AJ a warm smile. “Acting like a lady is not the same as being a lady, is it?” Applejack arched an eyebrow. “Didn’t you say thirty seconds ago that it’s the exact same thing?” “Are you looking for a husband, Applejack?” Rarity asked, not missing a beat. “Uh.” AJ blinked. “…No?” “Then shut up and drink your tea.” “But what kind of thing would that accomplish?” Applejack asked, making a pout. “Ah’m honestly askin’, I don’t get this!” Rarity sighed deeply. “Applejack, my dear, I’m afraid that acting like a slightly less uncouth foal in front of your loving family or angering me with your, let’s be honest, offensive imitation is not the same as fooling the ponies we’ll meet at the casino.” She took another sip of tea. “Do you understand me?” Silence. “Didja just insult my upbringin’?” “Details, details, details!” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Applejack, please listen to me, or at least trust Twilight if you feel like listening to your old friend is too much for you. You really need to train yourself how to act in high society!” “Ah don’t!” “You’re literally unable to speak in first person without showing everypony you were born and raised on a farm.” Silence. “Ain't it.” “Oh, for Celestia’s sake.” Rarity massaged her temples. “We all think you need to take some nobility classes, and I’m the best pony to do so, so just obey me and drink your tea, please.” “But Ah just don’t get it, Rares!” Applejack shook her head. “Why am Ah the only one doin’ this while the others have a good time?” Rarity sighed. “Because Twilight and Fluttershy can figure it out on their own, even if they have a little difficulty doing so.” She waved a hoof. “Fluttershy’s good at saying nothing, hiding under her mane, and being pretty; she’ll be okay. Dash looks and acts like the cousin of a Wonderbolt, so everypony will excuse her boldness. That sporty, brash pegasus archetype is surprisingly common in high society, so she’ll fit right in.” Rarity shook her head. “And Pinkie…” A pause. “Okay, Pinkie Pie is the social equivalent of aggravated assault, but she’s Pinkie Pie, so it doesn't count.” Rarity frowned. “You, on the other hoof, look and act like exactly the kind of pony who would never get in the casino, and we’ll need our Muscle. Understand?” “But why can’t Ah be like Dash?!” Applejack said, raising her tone a little. “She gets to be all dumb and noisy! Just say Ah’m the daughter of a rodeo star or somethin’!” “Applejack, I said brash pegasi are typical.” Rarity took another sip of tea. In the corner of her eye, she saw that Applejack’s was getting cold. “Brash earth ponies are not seen as Wonderbolt wannabes. They’re seen as brash earth ponies, and thus they’re quickly kicked out.” “Well that’s just not fair!” “You’re still not looking for a husband, so you’re not allowed to say that.” “And what the hay is that husband thing you’re talkin’ about?!” Rarity rolled her eyes. “You’re just proving to me again and again that you really need to learn how to be a lady.” “Bah.” “And yes, the tea is important.” Rarity took another sip to make her point. “You see, Applejack, you’re not exactly good at lying. Sure, you can be a good actor somehow, but that won’t cut it now that ponies are supposed to believe you’re actually who you say you are.” She smirked. “Hence my comment about you becoming a lady, and not just acting like one. Unless you really, truly, and completely turn into a real, refined lady, then we’ll fail. Got it?” Applejack’s frown became even bigger. “If you’re sayin’ being honest is a bad thing…” “It’s not a bad thing,” Rarity said. “We all admire you for your ability to say the truth. I personally consider you a really brave pony for doing so.” She smiled. And then stopped smiling. “Now drink your stupid tea.” And then, finally, and after an incredibly long sigh, Applejack slowly, painfully took the teacup, brought it to her lips… And gulped the entire thing in one go. “Ugh,” she said, and her face was—well. Lips curled, nose wrinkled, eyes white. Pure art. “Tastes like grass.” Rarity massaged her temples again. “Applejack, it’s tea. It’s made of leaves. What were you expecting, exactly?” “Ah don’t know, somethin’ that’s not grass!” “We are ponies! We eat grass!” “Yeah, but…” Applejack shivered and left the cup back on the table. “It’s different! This one is grassiest!” Rarity massaged her temples so hard she hurt herself. This was going to be difficult. At the same time, in yet another completely different part of town, except not really because they were in the house they had rented, Pinkie Pie and Twilight, shockingly still respectively pink and purple, were looking at a book. They were downstairs, in that huge room that could only be described as a mixture between a laboratory and another laboratory. It was a laboratory. White walls, a huge table, a lot of crystal bottles with weird liquids in them, a lot of flasks with boiling things inside, closets with even more multicolored fluid inside, you name it. Even Twilight and Pinkie were wearing white lab coats, if only to blend better with the environment. As it’s been already said, they were reading a book, titled How to Brew Magical Potions without Blowing Up the Room (Unless That’s What You Want)... Although, technically speaking, only Twilight was reading. Pinkie was giggling and pointing at the pictures. “Oh, what’s this?! Let’s do this one!” “Pinkie, that’s a love potion.” “How do you know that? Maybe it’s some kind of ultra-super-duper bank-robbing potion!” Pinkie glared at Twilight, her eyes the size of chariot wheels. “That would be super useful!” Twilight didn’t even bother looking back at Pinkie. “No.” “Oh, okay.” Pinkie turned the page. “Oh! Let’s make this one!” “That’s a transmutation potion, Pinkie,” Twilight replied. “And if what the book says is right, this will be the opposite of useful during the heist.” Pinkie blinked. “Transmuwhat?” “Transmutation.” Twilight read the potion’s description. “Turns you into a giant spider.” Silence. “THAT’S THE COOLEST THING I’VE EVER—” “We’re not turning the guards into giant spiders, Pinkie.” “But I like spiders!” “No.” Pinkie huffed. “Aw, bummer. Hey, what does this one do?” Twilight read the paragraph under the drawing Pinkie was pointing at. “Hmm. Turns things purple.” “And this one?” “Gives anything it touches a slight taste of peanuts.” “And this one?” “One of your legs turns slightly longer.” Pinkie clapped. “We can brew that one! That will be useful against the guards!” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Well, yes, I guess it sounds mildly uncomfortable, but I would pass.” This time she was the one turning the page. “We need something that would allow us to—” “This one!” “Turns your hooves into chickens.” Silence. “No, we’re not using that one.” “Oh, come on, Twilight!” Pinkie grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her a little. “Chicken hooves! Think of the possibilities! We could lay eggs and walk at the same time!” Twilight stood unfazed. “No.” “We could revolutionize the egg industry!” “I’m turning the page.” Pinkie shook Twilight even harder. “No! Twilight! DON’T DO IT! DON’T STEAL MY DREAM FROM ME—hey what does this one do?” Twilight tried to hide her smile and read. “Turns your saliva into dog saliva.” She blinked. “Ugh. Who in the name of Celestia wrote this book?” “Next one!” Pinkie’s voice was somehow becoming even higher. “What does this one do, Twilight?” “Lets you breathe under lava.” Twilight blinked. “No mention about protecting you from the heat, though.” “Next one!” “Gives you a second tail, but it’s always green. It has a slight taste of peanuts.” “What, the tail?” “So it says.” “Oooh.” Pinkie nodded. “AJ and Dashie will like this one!” “Sure.” Twilight turned the page. “Let me see… Turns you into a cyclops, but only when there’s a white pony near you… Gives you the ability to summon top hats out of nowhere… Turns you into tarantulas, plural…” “Wow, I really like this book!” Pinkie cocked her head to the side. “Where did you get it from?” “It came with the library,” Twilight said. “Apparently, the previous owner didn’t like it, and I can see why. Hmm, this one kills the crops of your neighbor, this one gives you sweet dreams and a slight peanut taste… A-hah!” She let a smile appear on her face as she pointed at one particular paragraph. “Here! Sleep potion! Celestia, that was hard to find.” “Yay! We’re brewing a potion!” Pinkie gave a seven-meter jump. “We’re brewing a potion, we’re brewing a potion!” “Sure we are, Pinkie,” Twilight said. “Now, let’s see: first ingredient, fresh hoof-eggs.” Silence. “YES!” “Oh, ponyfeathers.” “Okay, we’re back!” A freshly yellow-painted Rainbow Dash walked towards the casino’s entrance later that day, this time followed by a blue-coated Fluttershy. “Hello, security guy! Let us in!” “Hmm.” The same stallion from before looked at Dash from above his sunglasses. “Welcome to Money Bags Casino. Names.” “Sure! I’m Storm Clouds, and my friend here is Fresh Breeze. Are we clear?” The guard squinted. “You’re pretty brash for a pegasus,” he said. “‘Course I am. Now let us in! I don’t have a terrorist name this time, right? So open that door!” The guard squinted harder. “What do you mean, ‘this time’?” Silence. Dash hit her forehead with a hoof. “Darn it.” The sun was shining brightly above the park, right next to the café where Rarity and Applejack had been “drinking” tea before. It looked exactly like a normal park, except Canterlot’s style. “Now, Applejack, dear,” Rarity said, taking a deep breath, “I’m going to walk towards you and lightly bump against your shoulder, and then I’m going to apologize. Remember what I’ve been explaining about how to act in this kind of situation, and answer properly. Understood?” Applejack shrugged. “Sure, Ah guess.” “Good!” Rarity nodded with enthusiasm and gave AJ a small smile. “Here I coome, aaaaand—” she took a step, and her shoulder hit Applejack’s slightly “—bump!” She got away and covered her mouth with a hoof. “Oh, my, I’m so sorry, dear. I’m afraid I didn’t see you there!” Applejack replied with a huge grin. “Nah, ne’er mind, sugarcube! Ah reckon y’all didn’t want to.” “No!” Rarity frowned. “Applejack!” AJ snickered. “Rarity, Ah’m just playin’ with you.” She shook her head. “Ahem. Don’t worry, dear, Ah’m sure y’didn’t mean to!” She arched an eyebrow. “See? Easy!” “No, not ‘easy’. You failed.” “What?!” “You didn’t hide your accent.” Rarity squinted. “In fact, I think you made it even worse!” “Ah didn’t do that!” Applejack snorted. “And mah accent is not that noticeable.” “No, seriously. Your accent is getting thicker.” “Ah don’t have no idea what yer talkin’ ‘bout.” Rarity sighed. “Applejack, try to say ‘I like apples’, please.” “Hah. Original much?” Applejack rolled her eyes. “Ah like apples.” “No. I like apples.” “Ah like apples.” “I LIKE APPLES!” “AH LIKE’ EM APPLES, HOWDY HOWDY HOWDY HOWDY Y’ALL!” “Please, tell me you’re purposely hyperbolizing your accent.” Applejack winked. “Doin’ what now?” Rarity groaned. “DEAR CELESTIA THIS FEELS EVEN WEIRDER THAN EXPECTED!” “Hey, you just laid another egg! And that hoof just pooped.” Twilight bit her lip. “Turns out getting ready for a crime is way harder than expected.” Silence. “You actually brewed the chickenhooves potion?” “As I said, it was a weird week.” Author's Note This chapter has my second most favorite joke of the entire story. Talkin' about the Bon Bon joke one here, of course. I mean, wow.
Fourth Chapter - ...Okay, Define "Great Plan"View OnlineCrime and FunishmentFourth Chapter - ...Okay, Define "Great Plan"“Wait a moment.” Money Bags frowned as his eyes locked with Twilight’s. “What about the dragon?” Twilight blinked. “Huh?” “The dragon. You’ve talked about what you and your five pony friends did, but you haven’t mentioned your mailbox.” “Spike?” Twilight shook her head. “Oh, well, he wasn’t doing anything important. Cleaning the house, buying some groceries, cooking… You know. I figured I didn’t need to explain it.” “Hmm.” Money Bags tapped his hoof on the table. “So you felt the urge to explain in detail how you argued about who sleeps in which room, but you decided to leave the baby dragon completely out?” “Yes, well. That’s kind of pretty normal.” Money Bags blinked. “What?” “Spike being in the background.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Honestly, I don’t know where he is ninety percent of the time I spend adventuring. I usually assume he’s hiding under a table.” She licked her lips. “True, there are exceptions, but those usually happen because that adventure involves him specifically. Whenever we go on a real adventure, like the ones in which all six of us participate to save the world, he just…” Twilight shrugged. “I don’t know. He disappears?” “That’s…” Money Bags coughed. “You know, I’m an economist, and even I find that cruel.” “Eh. The truth hurts.” Twilight shook her head. “As I said, Spike didn’t really do anything while we were preparing for this week. I mean, he’s useful because he can breathe fire, but that doesn’t need any research or training, so he just… stood there.” “So you’re asking me to assume he was hiding under a table.” “Or cooking, yes. That’s mostly it.” Twilight looked to the side. “So let’s forget Spike completely. Now, moving on to the important parts, the next morning we were all pretty tired. Apparently, not even a good night’s sleep was enough to get over our first day in Canterlot …” “So yesterday was completely wasted?” Twilight asked, levitating a spoonful of cereal to her mouth. “You didn’t do anything? At all?” “Well, I wouldn’t say we didn’t do anything,” Fluttershy replied, looking at Dash. “We stood all day in front of the casino…” “Yes, sure, that accomplished a lot!” Dash grouched. “We literally tried to get in that stupid place seventeen times! In a row!” “And you didn’t even get past the threshold, hmm? That gives me hope about this whole plan,” Rarity said. “Did you try to flatter the guard? Maybe if you tell him he has gorgeous eyes or something he’ll let you pass.” “He wore sunglasses,” Fluttershy said. “Ooooh. Clever.” Rarity took a sip of tea, and her eyes widened. “Oh? Spikey, did you make this?” “Yes, ma’am!” Spike poked his head from the kitchen’s door. “Just for you!” “Well, I must say I’m grateful!” Rarity took another sip. “This is really good! You should make tea more often.” Spike giggled and tried to hide his blush by looking at the floor. Kind of a useless move, because they could all see his face, but he tried anyway. “Aw, it’s nothing.” “No, no, really, this is very good!” Rarity looked at Applejack with a coy smile. “You should try it.” “Eh.” AJ looked at the red-faced dragon in the kitchen. “Can you make it taste like apples?” Spike blinked, still blushing. “Uh… I think?” “Good. Then Ah might try it.” Applejack squinted at Rarity. “Might.” “Please, Applejack, stop trying to sabotage our robbery!” Rarity set the cup of tea back on the table. “I can’t believe you’re still acting like this!” “Apple-flavored tea sounds good!” Pinkie said after swallowing the thousandth cupcake that morning. “That would help us a lot! Right, Twilight?” “I guess?” Twilight shrugged. “If Rarity thinks Applejack needs to learn how to drink tea, I’m actually surprised she didn’t bring up apples sooner.” “Yeah.” Pinkie chuckled. “It’s easy to convince Applejack to do things! You just need to throw an apple at her.” “Hey!” AJ frowned at them. “You two! Ah’m not a dog that wags her tail at treats!” “And that’s a good thing,” Rarity said, “because you’re not going to taste any apple tea while I’m still alive, dear.” “Yeah! You heard th—wait what?” Applejack turned around to face Rarity. “Why not?! Ah want apples!” Rarity arched an eyebrow. “So? You’re not getting any. Apple tea is such old news it’s not even vintage. If you ask for that in the casino, you can bet that hat of yours our cover will be blown immediately.” Dash blinked. “Blown…? Ah! That’s it!” She grabbed Fluttershy by the shoulders with a huge grin. “Shy! I know how we’re getting in—” “You’re not detonating the casino, Dash,” Twilight said. “Aw, come on!” Rainbow crossed her legs and made a huff. “It will be faster than trying to fool that guard! Right, Fluttershy?” “Eh…” Fluttershy bit her lip. “Do I really need to have an opinion on this?” “Dash, dear,” Rarity said, “even if such a plan wasn’t completely and utterly irresponsible—which it is—I really doubt any of us knows how to find dynamite.” “Oh! I know how, I know how!” Rarity blinked. “Okay, yes, Pinkie knows how to do that, but I’m definitely going to ignore that fact, and I really ask you to do the same.” “Puh-lease, girls.” Dash waved a hoof. “I wasn’t going to ask for dynamite! I’m not that dumb!” “Color me surprised,” Applejack muttered under her breath. “No, what I was thinking about,” Dash continued, “was this: Shy and I get a cloud, okay? A thundercloud. And then we set fire to the casino with it, and—” “No,” Twilight said. “Darn it.” “Heh.” Applejack shook her head. “You have a problem, and your immediate solution is to set it on fire, huh? Yer a featherbrain.” “Oh, I am?! Well, at least my mission is actually interesting! You’re failing to drink tea!” “Ah’d like to see you try!” “Hah!” Dash got up from the chair and flew across the table till she could press her forehead against Applejack’s. “Bring it on!” “Incoming!” Spike appeared in the room wearing his pink apron and carrying a tray with steaming teacups. “Here you go! Chamomile tea, the finest quality!” “Ooh. You made chamomile tea too?” Rarity clapped. “Good one!” “Thanks!” Spike giggled. “I’ve always thought it’s very good!” “Indeed it is! Maybe Applejack will like this one better, I wonder?” “Pfft.” Applejack rolled her eyes. “Ah’d rather drink lava.” “Okay then!” Dash turned away from AJ and took one of the cups with a hoof. “Let me show you how it’s done, cowgirl!” she said. And then she poured the whole thing in her mouth in one go. Silence. Applejack turned to Pinkie. “Do you mind, sugarcube?” “Oh, of course!” Pinkie took a watch from under the table and looked at it. “Okay, so now we’re up to four, five, six…” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAA—” Pinkie threw the watch over her shoulder. “Six seconds!” AJ nodded. “Thanks!” “—AAAAAAAAAAAAAA— Spike bit his lip. “Um. Sorry?” “Not your fault, Spike,” Twilight said, eating another spoonful of cereal. “She brought this on herself.” “Oh, my!” Fluttershy covered her mouth with her hooves and flew towards Dash. “Dash, are you alright?!” “—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” She turned to Shy. “DOES THIS LOOK ALRIGHT TO YOU?! MY TONGUE IS MELTING!” “Eeyup, you definitely showed me how it’s done.” “SHUT UP!” Dash slammed a hoof on the table and looked at Applejack with teary eyes. “AT LEAST I MANAGED TO DRINK IT!” “Yeah, and now you’re screamin’. Pretty sure Ah win, sugarcube.” “NO YOU DON’T!” Dash replied. “AT LEAST I’M BRAVE ENOUGH TO GULP THAT THING LIKE IT’S NOTHING!” Applejack’s smirk disappeared, and a frown took its place. “Are you sayin’ Ah’m a coward?!” She turned around. “Spike! Bring me one of them cups!” “Uh.” Spike scratched the back of his head. “Um, are you sure you…?” “‘Course Ah’m sure!” Without waiting for an answer, she walked towards Spike and took one of the steaming teacups too. “Ah’ll show you, Dash!” And then she poured the whole thing in her mouth in one go. Silence. Pinkie got the watch again. “Okay, so: four, five, six, seven, e—” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—” “Seven and a half!” Pinkie clapped. “New record!” Dash ran both her hooves through her mane. “OH, COME ON!” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Applejack took a deep breath. “THAT’LL TEACH YA! AH WON!” Silence. Rarity arched an eyebrow. “So… Was it worth it, or...” “DEAR CELESTIA IT DEFINITELY WASN’T MY TONGUE IS MELTIN’!” “MINE IS MELTING TOO OH PONYFEATHERS WHEN WILL THE PAIN STOP?!” “Are you sure I need to team up with Applejack? Because I get the nagging feeling I’m being tied to a brick wall and asked to run a race, metaphorically speaking,” Rarity said, turning to Twilight and taking another sip of tea. “Besides, I’m pretty sure those two would get along with each other perfectly.” “I, uh, I think that we should maybe go to a doctor,” Fluttershy said. “Those might develop into second degree burns if we don't treat them…” “AH WON’T GO TO A DOCTOR JUST ‘CAUSE SOME PANSY TEA WAS HOT!” “SAME HERE!” Silence. Rarity took another sip of tea. “I stand corrected.” “Then I’m sorry, because we can’t change teams like that,” Twilight answered, chewing her cereal. “I doubt Fluttershy needs any training on how to be a lady. She’s perfect the way she is.” “Aaaw.” Pinkie smiled at Twilight. “That was sweet! Wasn’t it, Fluttershy?” “Seriously, I think their tongues might have suffered permanent damage,” Fluttershy said, not turning her gaze away from AJ and Dash. “We should really go see a doctor.” Pinkie nodded. “Yep. That was sweet.” “Oooo-kay.” Spike sighed. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll hide the teacups in case they end up hurting somepony else.” “Be sure to save one for me!” Rarity said. “And one for Applejack, too!” “AH’M NOT GETTIN’ NEAR THAT STUFF EVER AGAIN!” “She’ll drink it this evening,” Rarity said. “I’m sure she’ll love it once it stops blinding her with pain.” “Sure!” Spike disappeared into the kitchen, but his voice could still be heard. “I’ll put them in the fridge!” “Thanks, dear!” “Hmm.” Twilight played with the last crumbs of cereal in her bowl, and eventually pushed it aside. “Pinkie? What time is it?” she asked, turning around to face her friend. “Half past nine!” “Then you should go soon, Spike!” Twilight looked at the kitchen door. “It’s about time!” “Got it!” “And the same goes to you, too, girls. Pinkie and I are going to go down to the laboratory soon.” “Sweet!” Pinkie grinned. “I like chickens!” Rarity frowned. “What?” “Nothing. So!” Twilight clapped her hooves twice. “Do you girls think you’ll be able to get in the casino and master Canterlot’s way of thinking today? We need to stop Money Bags as soon as possible, and we can’t start until you make it.” “Well…” Fluttershy turned around and faced Twilight. “It’s going to be hard. That guard is very smart…” “And in all honesty, I think teaching Applejack how to fly would be easier than teaching her how to be a proper lady,” Rarity added. “Hmm.” Twilight frowned. “That’s problematic…” “Nonsense!” Pinkie Pie grabbed Twilight by the shoulder. “I know they can make it! If there’s anypony who can do this, it’s them! Right, girls?” “Well…” Fluttershy scratched the back of her neck. “I guess that if we really try…” “OF COURSE WE’LL MAKE IT!” Dash yelled, suddenly flying towards Twilight and Rarity and puffing her chest. “WE’LL FOOL THAT GUARD SO HARD HE WON’T KNOW WHAT HIT HIM!” “Do you really need to yell like—” “YES!” “AND AH’LL TURN INTO A LADY!” Applejack roared, jumping on the table and glaring daggers at Dash. “IN FACT, AH’LL BE THE LADIEST LADY OF THEM LADYFOLK BEFORE DASH EVEN TALKS TO THAT GUARD!” “OH WELL IT IS ON!” “You know, one day they will be able to do something without turning it into a competition,” Rarity said, casting a side glance towards Fluttershy. “I can’t stress enough how much I long for that moment.” “But that’s exactly the spirit we’re going for, Rarity!” Pinkie flashed one of those smiles of hers that made it look like she was either planning something cunning and exciting or like she was looking at a gigantic pile of candy. “Hot blood! Passion! Determination! That’s what we are going for! Also, nice pile of candy there, Spike!” Spike winked at her from the side of the giant pyramid of sweets he was carrying across the room. “I can’t wait to eat that tonight,” Pinkie muttered, nodding to herself. “Anyway! Determination! That’s a good thing!” “I guess?” Rarity said. “NO, YOU DON’T GUESS!” Applejack bared her teeth in a fierce smile. “WE ARE GOIN’ TO DO THIS, SUGARCUBE! BY THE END OF THE DAY, WE’LL BE DONE!” “YEAH!” Dash roared. “WE TOO! WE’RE DOING THIS!” Money Bags smirked. “Let me guess: they failed.” “Of course they failed.” Four hours later, the four of them were sitting at Donut Joe’s, staring blankly at their drinks. Money Bags sighed. “Well, that was predictable.” “Hey!” Twilight frowned. “Don’t say that! My friends are amazing ponies, and they can do anything they set their minds to! We did end up attacking the casino, right?” “Yes. And now you’re tied to a chair.” Twilight bit her tongue. “Anyway,” Money Bags continued, “what about the dragon? You said he had to go somewhere. Care to explain?” “Dear Celestia, why are you so focused on Spike? Nopony focuses on Spike! Ever!” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Not even the crystal ponies care about him that much!” Money Bags squinted. “I thought they made a giant statue of him?” “Yes, and they still manage to forget about him every two days!” “Wow. That’s cruel.” “The thing is,” Twilight continued, shaking her head, “that Spike was busy buying some groceries or whatever, and Pinkie and I were brewing potions. That meant that Fluttershy, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity went to Donut Joe’s…” “I just can’t believe that stupid guard said ‘no’ twenty-three times!” Dash said, taking a fierce bite of her donut. “It’s impossible to get in there!” “Come on, it can’t be that hard,” Applejack said, patting Dash’s shoulder. “Maybe you just had a bad start!” “Yeah, sure. A bad start.” Dash sighed. “We’ve tried like a bazillion aliases, and all of them were deemed dangerous!” “And only fifteen included references to explosions,” Fluttershy added. “I can’t say I don’t understand you, dear,” Rarity said, taking a bit of biscuit. “We’ve been kicked out of every single elegant place in Canterlot! Me! Kicked out! Can you even believe that?” “But what happened?” Fluttershy asked, the corners of her mouth curled down, her ears flat against her head. “What went wrong?” “Well, I’m not somepony to point hooves, of course,” Rarity said, “but it was totally Applejack’s fault.” “Hey!” “Aside from not being able to hide her accent even if her life depends on it, let’s say she’s just not cut out for any elegant place.” Rarity sighed. “The Golden Leaf outright refused to serve us after they saw her grabbing the cutlery with her hooves.” “Ah’m an earth pony!” Applejack said, frowning. “I know, but that’s not an excuse to be inelegant, dear.” “There’s literally no other way for me to grab them cutlery!” “I’m with Applejack here,” Dash said. “Fancy places are horrible. And hey, at least you could get in there.” “Joy,” Applejack muttered. “Canterlot is such a mean place sometimes,” Fluttershy agreed, playing with the straw in her drink. “I miss Ponyville.” “We all do, dear,” Rarity said. “We all do. Even I am getting tired of the finest places. Sometimes I forget how charming Ponyville can be.” “Well, we’re doin’ this for a good cause,” Applejack muttered, biting her apple and wagging her tail a little. “That’s a relief, Ah guess.” “Hmm.” Fluttershy frowned. “Say, girls? What if we help each other?” Dash raised her eyes. “What?” “You need to practice being in a fancy place, right, Rarity?” Fluttershy tapped her chin twice. “And the casino is very elegant…” “Well, yes.” Rarity nodded. “We’re practicing being fancy because the casino is elegant, in fact.” “Then it all works, right?” Fluttershy said. “You can help us get in the casino, and then…!” “And then we’ll be promptly kicked out,” Rarity said. “It’s better than nothing, I guess.” Applejack nodded. “Sounds like a plan to me!” Rarity took another bite of her biscuit. “Well, just let me do the talking. I’m sure I’ll manage.” There was a different guard at the casino that day. A brown pegasus—still herculean, of course, but that was a given. When they got to the door, he looked at them from over the top of his dark sunglasses. “Names?” he asked. Rarity flashed him a warm smile. “Hello, dear. My name is White Pearl. My friends there are…” She pointed at Fluttershy, “Autumn Breeze,” she pointed at Applejack, “Sugar Cube,” she pointed at Dash, “and this is—” “Roaring Tornado!” Dash interrupted, grinning like crazy and ignoring Rarity’s death glare. “See? We’re fancy! Open that door!” “So your name is Roaring Tornado, huh?” The guard snickered. “Well then, I’m sorry but—” “Why yes, of course,” Rarity interrupted. “Roaring Tornado, the famous racing prodigy! Haven’t you heard of her, mister?” Her warm smile came back. “She’s Soarin’s niece, fresh from the Wonderbolt Academy! Everypony knows she’s going to take Canterlot by storm.” Rarity fluttered her eyelashes and cocked her head to the side. “I’m her agent, you see, and—” “What? What are you talking about?” Dash rolled her eyes. “Soarin has no nieces, Rarity! Everypony knows that!” Silence. Everypony stared at Dash. She blinked. “Um. I mean, like, Soarin is totally my uncle. Oh yeah. Like, best uncle ever. Woohoo.” She gulped. “…And, uh, your eyes are totally awesome?” Twelve minutes later, they were back at the casino, with a new combo of fur color and fluffy dresses. “Hello!” Rarity said upon walking to the door. “Nice to meet you, mister guard!” “Names.” “Of course, of course. I’m Ink Dweller, this is Gentle Wind, that one is Fruit Flower…” She pointed at Dash, “and she is named Feather Head.” The guard squinted and looked at Rainbow. “And… why is she wearing a muzzle, exactly?” Rarity didn’t even blink at the question. “Miscellaneous reasons.” “Grbmbtflgggggh.” Silence. The guard shrugged. “Eh. I’m nopony to talk about fashion. You’re in.” “Well, let that be a lesson for the ages,” Rarity muttered as the main door closed behind them. “If you fail at something, it’s probably Rainbow Dash’s fault, and you should gag her for that.” The others would have said something, but they were too busy staring at the casino. Money Bags was a mischievous banker and a soulless villain, but he had good taste in interior design. The gang was greeted by the biggest room any of them had seen outside the palace, a place completely crowded with ponies of all ages, colors, and races possible. Pegasi, unicorns, earth ponies, crystal ponies, bat ponies… There even was a giant tub in the middle of the place with a couple sea ponies in it. The room had countless blinking lights, game tables, slot machines, croupiers, and… “I know what my casino looks like.” “Oh.” Silence. Twilight nodded to herself. “So… Do you want me to describe it anyway?” “No.” “I’m going to describe it anyway.” “You seem to be unaware of the ramifications of this whole ‘we have your friend’ business, Princess.” Twilight beamed a smile. “So, as I was saying, the casino…” …or at least the part they could see was, as it has already been said, giant and crowded. Not as crowded as Ponyville’s bank, but it could easily give it a run for its money. The roof was high enough for pegasi to fly around freely, and that of course included many security guards, easily recognisable by both their sunglasses and their I-just-ate-a-lemon scowls. The floor was completely covered with a smooth red velvet carpet, there were columns periodically, the walls were golden with posters and photos of celebrities and Money Bags, and overall the place looked like a cathedral, only with tingy noises instead of prayers. They had the gaming section in front of them, and by their right they could see the restaurant. They stood there in silence for a minute or two, completely motionless. “Wow,” Fluttershy finally muttered under her breath once she assimilated what was in front of her. “Just… W-wow.” “Ah think my farm is smaller than this,” Applejack commented, her pupils becoming mere dots. Rarity blinked. “It’s… It does look less impressive from outside.” Dash rolled her eyes and took off the muzzle. “Ugh. I’m never wearing this thing again.” She walked towards Rarity and leaned on her. “And this place is not that big! I’ve seen bigger places. Like the castle. Right?” She turned around and looked at Fluttershy. “The castle is bigger!” “Yeah, but this still feels…” Applejack frowned. “Well, you know.” “Scary?” Fluttershy asked. “Ominous? Vast? Spine-chilling? Dreadful? Ineffable? Depraved? Horrible?” AJ squinted. “Pretty darn big.” “Oh.” Shy blinked. “Yes, that one too.” “Come on!” Rainbow waved a hoof and stuck out her tongue. “It’s not a big deal. We’re going to come here a lot if we want to map it anyway, Fluttershy, so you better get used to it.” Fluttershy’s ears went flat against her head. “Oh dear.” “I’m afraid she’s right, Fluttershy,” Rarity said, not bothering to look at the others, too focused on what was in front of her. “However, you don’t need to do this alone, of course. I suggest we avoid talking to anypony. Just try to look snobbish and follow my lead—” “OH MY GOSH!” Dash opened her eyes wide and flew a couple meters in the air. “IS THAT SPITFIRE?!” “Say what?” ZZIIOOOOOM! Silence. Rarity squinted, still looking at the slot machines. “Please, tell me Rainbow Dash didn’t just run away.” Applejack looked at Rarity, then at Fluttershy, then at Rarity again. “Um. She didn’t run away.” “Good.” Silence. “She totally flew away, didn’t she.” “Faster than Apple Bloom on Bow Burnin’ Day.” “Ponyfeathers.” There’s this funny thing about pegasi. Some ponies think they’re naturally dumber than the other pony races, and the everydayness of terms like “featherbrain”, “light-headed”, or "Rainbow Dash-like” sure doesn’t help. But pegasi are not that dumb, honestly. They’re just as smart as every other kind of pony. However, it is true that, more often than not, a pegasus’ train of thought works in a way that they do things that end up looking incredibly heroic—if they succeed—or painfully stupid—if they fail. Pegasi are, after all, too fast for their own good. Sometimes, their body acts on its own before their brain can measure up the consequences of what they’re doing. In other words: they’re not stupid, they’re just unable to think things through. So, continuing with this metaphor, it’s easy to see why Rainbow Dash did what she did that day. It’s not like she didn’t know that flying towards Spitfire while disguised and trying to go incognito was stupid. It’s just that by the time that thought started to move towards her brain she was already flying across the casino and screaming like a wild animal. “SPITFIRE!” To say she screamed would be a huge understatement. What came out of her mouth was one of those screeches only true fangirls can expel. Three ponies unfortunate enough to be near her when she blurted that shriek out had to go to the hospital due to ear damage, and at least one noblepony saw his glass of wine explode into a million tiny pieces. “SPITFIRE! HELLO, SPITFIRE!” Spitfire turned around to see who was demanding her attention with that passion immediately, both because she was polite enough to at least acknowledge crazy fans and because a pony with such lung capacity was either very excited to see her or twenty feet tall and ready to avenge her father. Not like Spitfire had slain any giants lately, but better safe than sorry, that was her motto. Once she saw Dash, however, the relief was immediate. “Why, hello,” she said. “I’m sorry, do I know you?” “What?! Of course you know me! I’m—” And right then, the thought finally made it to Dash’s brain. Oh, yeah. She was supposed to not be Rainbow Dash. She stood there for a second or two, staring awkwardly into space, as her brain assimilated what was going on. Spitfire didn’t look away. Rainbow Dash gulped. Three more seconds passed. Dash’s brain went into overdrive. Okay, she had messed it up. Badly. They were all looking at her, she thought, and this time Rarity was not here to get her out of trouble. Good. No problem. She could do it. She could totally get out of there and avoid getting caught and making a fool of herself in front of her hero—oh dear Celestia they were still staring at her who was she trying to fool she could not do this OH LUNA SHE HAD TO SAY SOMETHING SHE WAS GOING TO BE KICKED OUT AGAIN IN FRONT OF SPITFIRE WHERE THE HAY WAS RARITY COME ON DASH COME ON COME ON COME ON! Spitfire arched an eyebrow. “So? Are you going to—?” “I’M NOT A TERRORIST! I SWEAR!” Silence. “Uh. I mean…” Dash bit her lip. “I’m, eh, Soarin’s niece?” A pause. Everypony kept staring at Dash. Even Spitfire. Especially Spitfire. Rainbow gulped. “…You know, out of curiosity: is there perhaps any chance that you’re not going to call the guards on me now?” “No.” “Figures.” At least following Rainbow Dash wasn’t as difficult as it could have been. Even though she could fly so fast one had trouble seeing her in midair, Fluttershy and Applejack had clearly seen the direction she had headed for, and after that Dash had screamed like a filly visiting the dentist for the first time in her life. Stealthy, she hadn’t been. However, not everything could be that easy. “She’s not here!” Rarity muttered to the other two once they arrived to the poker table where Spitfire was playing. There was no sign of Dash whatsoever. “I can’t believe it!” she continued, trying not to stand out between the gamblers. “She wanders off and then she wanders away from the place she wandered to in the first place! Who does that?!” “Well, Ah find it reassurin’,” Applejack whispered back, trying to hide her smirk. “It’s like one of those constant little things that make life how it is. Dog goes woof, ducks go quack, Rainbow’s dumber than a sack of bricks. The circle of life!” “Applejack, dear, I’m not really sure this is the best time to laugh at her.” Rarity sighed. “I’m a little worried about Dash—I think we should try to find her.” “What? Why?” Applejack arched an eyebrow. “She’s wanderin’ around the casino, drawin’ a map. Wasn’t that the plan all along?” “Yes, but if you remember correctly, the plan also involved Fluttershy being there to make sure she doesn’t end up in trouble.” She looked at Shy. “I don’t like her being alone.” “Me neither,” Fluttershy said, nodding. “We should definitely look for her. I can draw the map too while we’re at it.” “Well, okay Ah guess.” AJ shrugged. “So how do we do it?” “Hmm.” Rarity tapped her chin. “I’ll go to the restaurant. Applejack, you look for her here—the gamblers won’t talk to you if you don’t talk back.” A pause. “And, erm, try not to talk.” “Ah know, Ah know. No peasants allowed. Bunch o’ snot-nosed snooties…” Rarity nodded. “Good. Try to observe how they talk, maybe you’ll learn something. Fluttershy?” “Oh, I’ll look for her there,” she said, pointing at the northmost part of the casino. “It looks like a good place.” “The store? Okay.” “Well then, we’ll meet back at the door in an hour, whether we’ve found ‘er or not,” AJ said. “Sounds like a plan?” “Yes.” “Uh-huh.” “Then you know what to do. Remember: she’s painted orange and has a white mane.” Our attention has been too focused on the four friends and their antics lately, so perhaps it would be a good idea to talk about the ponies that frequented the casino now. After all, they play an important part in the story. To say that they were fancy would be an understatement, and of course, everything related to Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Applejack had happened due to the fact that the casino was a very elite place. However, maybe an explanation as to why they were so uptight would be useful. After all, none of the Elements of Harmony—plus Spike—were strangers to elegant places. They had been to the Grand Galloping Gala, for example. But the casino was different. And that difference came from a simple issue: the Grand Galloping Gala was a place to socialize. Money Bags Casino was a place to play. But of course, the games they played weren’t the kind of fun, exciting games normal ponies like to play. Oh, no. Nobleponies hated fun. Those were stressful, corrupting games. The nobleponies went there to either earn a little money—something that never happened—or to waste an entire fortune—something that happened a lot. A casino wasn’t a place that fit Canterlot at all. And betting actual money? Playing at slot machines? That wasn’t just inelegant, that was downright outrageous! And worse of all, it was addictive, in a certain way. That casino was the total opposite of a fancy place, technically speaking. However, by being so elitist when it came to who could get in, Money Bags Casino had managed to turn their entire business into the biggest guilty pleasure that Canterlot had ever seen. But even though every single noblepony in there—except for the occasional bratty pegasus now and then—felt like gambling and playing cards was absolutely unworthy of them, they couldn’t exactly stop doing it just like that. After all, everypony else was doing it, right? As a result, there was this unusual oxymoron: the casino was a sophisticated place, but everypony thought it wasn’t, so when they eventually went there, they acted in the most uptight, stuck-up, snobbish way possible, as to distance themselves from the vulgarity, effectively turning the casino into an even more sophisticated place. In other words: it wasn’t the healthiest of places. “Call me crazy, but I get the feeling you don’t really like my casino,” Money Bags said, rolling his eyes. “Seriously? You think this is ‘unworthy’? Is that really the word you’re looking for? I’m actually amazed you didn’t go all the way and say my business is sacrilegious or something.” “Hey, I’m just telling it like it is,” Twilight said. The corners of her mouth rose up a little. “I’m sorry it offends you, but that’s the truth.” “Oh, yeah. I forgot you’re an absolute expert on casinos and nobility.” Money Bags looked like he really wanted to spit. “How rude of me.” “I was born and raised in Canterlot, so yes, I know more about nobility than you. Plus, I’m a princess.” “And you surely love casinos, huh?” Twilight arched an eyebrow. “I don’t hate them per se. I’m just amazed you created an institution that can scam ponies out of their money even more effectively than your banks.” Money Bags waved a hoof. “That’s what ‘talent’ means, dear.” “Yeah. Sure.” To put it lightly, then, walking around in the casino was akin to swimming among piranhas. Piranhas with fancy top hats and bowties, yes, but piranhas nonetheless. Luckily for everypony, though, Rarity was the best piranha swimmer in this side of Equestria, metaphorically speaking. Literally speaking too, of course, but that’s another story that shall be told another time. There was a giant circular stage next to the restaurant, Rarity noticed. Of course, there was no way a place so fancy would have dinner without a show. A group of four ponies were playing classical music at the moment, and the public seemed pretty much indifferent towards them. The restaurant was big, but after a twenty minute long walk it was clear that Dash wasn’t sitting at a table, so Rarity headed towards the bar. Nopony looked at her twice. Acting like a noblepony was second nature to her. The bar consisted of a giant counter with a bunch of ponies walking around and drinking, a place that was much more crowded than the restaurant. And that crowd was settled around just one particular green pegasus wearing a black suit and a tie… “And then I thought, hey, I’ve already eaten seven kittens just for evil’s sake, why not set fire to the orphanage too?” Money Bags was saying, sparking a bout of laughter from the crowd. “Yes, I’m fairly sure I didn’t say that,” Money Bags interrupted. Twilight rolled her eyes. “Geez. Okay.” What Money Bags actually said was something like “And then I dastardly tied the fair maiden to the rails and twirled my evil moustache, KNOWING THAT NOPONY WOULD COME TO SAVE HER! MUAHAHAHAHAH—” “I was talking finances!” Twilight grumbled. “Finances, finances, finances, finances, finances, finances!” Money Bags said. And then everypony laughed. Rarity shook her head at Money Bags’ pathetic attempt at humor, but she didn’t walk away. On the contrary, she faked a laugh and joined the crowd. “Oh, Mister Money Bags, you’re so delightful,” she said, fluttering her eyelashes. “You always tell the funniest stories!” “Well, being a good conversational partner is what my job is all about,” Money Bags replied, smirking. “Well, that and juggling massive amounts of money for my own benefit and the detriment of others. Mostly the ‘being funny’ bit, though.” A pause. “I’M EXTREMELY EVIL!” he screamed. A couple seconds passed. “So… are you going to interrupt me here too, or…?” “What?” Money Bags frowned. “Ah, no, no. That part was surprisingly accurate.” “Oh.” The crowd laughed again at Money Bags’ words, and Rarity just smiled and kept looking at him. To understand what happened next, one needs to know one very simple thing: of all the mares in Ponyville, Rarity is, by far, the most beautiful one. The only one who even comes close to her is Fluttershy, and she had been a professional model once. Thus, it’s not a surprise that, even though he was talking with many ponies at once, Money Bags soon noticed Rarity, and Rarity made sure to flutter her eyes in a very particular fashion that usually makes all stallions go head over heels for her. “Woah, woah, wait a minute.” Money Bags shook his head. “You’re telling me Rarity was the pretty one?” Twilight arched an eyebrow. “Yes. Of course she was. She was painted cyan by that point, I think.” Money Bags ran a hoof across his mane. “Huh. I thought you were going to tell me she was the other one.” “The other…?” Twilight arched an eyebrow. “What?” “Well, right when I was about to speak to the pretty one—she’s Rarity, you say?—a random mare came out of nowhere and started screaming at me.” “I’LL KICK YOUR ASS FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!” the random mare yelled as she charged towards Money Bags, foaming in the corners of her mouth. “BECAUSE I’M A MINDLESS SOCIOPATH WHO CAN’T UNDERSTAND GREATNESS AND DOESN’T SEE HOW INSANELY BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE, OH GREAT MONEY BAGS!” “Ah, you’re talking about that mare?” Twilight asked, cocking her head to the side. Then her face changed to that particular smirk-plus-eyebrow-doing-that-thing-where-it-twitches—a trick she had learned from Applejack—and scoffed. “You changed the story a bit, didn’t you?” “EVER SINCE THE DAY YOU BURNT MY VILLAGE,” the mare screamed as she charged towards Money Bags, “I’VE BEEN LONGING FOR THIS MOMENT! SUFFER MY REVENGE, MONEY BAGS! THIS IS FOR ALL THE ANGUISH YOU’VE CAUSED!” “Oooooh. So she was one of the you-burned-my-village ones? I guess that explains why I forgot her.” Money Bags chuckled. “I always get them mixed up, how embarrassing.” “You get them mix—how many villages have you burned to the ground?” “I lost count long ago,” Money Bags replied, waving a hoof. “You know, it’s just another hobby of mine, nothing that important.” “You’re literally destroying ponies’ lives just for entertainment!” “Yeah.” Money Bags arched an eyebrow. “And burning random villages is just one little part of it. I also like to cause floods by messing up dams. And sometimes I draw mildly annoying graffiti on walls that don’t belong to me.” Silence. “Seriously, I’m actually impressed by the fact that you realized I was evil due to my finances, instead of just looking at the blatantly evil things I do on a daily basis.” He scratched the back of his neck. “Even I can’t believe I’m not in jail. Says wonders about Equestria’s security system, huh?” Twilight glared daggers at Money Bags. “How can you be such a heartless, horrible monster?!” “Easy. I’m an economist.” Silence. “Like, I willingly chose to study economics so I could be one of them. All by myself. Nopony forced me. And I like my job.” More silence. When Twilight talked, her voice sounded horrified. “Dear Celestia, that explains everything.” “Indeed.” “I’m actually impressed you don’t feed on the blood of the innocent.” “Give it time.” But let’s leave Rarity alone for a second, because we’ve been neglecting Applejack a lot lately. Just like they had planned, AJ was busy looking for Rainbow Dash in the actual casino part of the casino. Poker tables, blackjack tables, slot machines, dice, roulettes, snakes ‘n ladders—there were countless games one could play if one wanted to lose all of one's money. And as apparently wasting fortunes was quite the popular hobby in that city, that meant Applejack was completely surrounded by all kinds of ponies. It was actually kind of hard to move—everypony walked from table to table without even caring to look at what they were stepping on. It was amazing how even doing that they managed to look as stuck-up as physically possible. Applejack figured the clothes had something to do with it. She had never seen so many top hats since that day Pinkie Pie thought everypony in Ponyville should look a little more like chimnies. The only ones who didn’t wear some kind of gigantic head attire—because of course all the mares were wearing hats, and of course they were big enough to hide two Royal Guard battalions inside—were the countless waiters, all carrying around trays with fancy food and drinks on them. How they managed to walk through that horrible crowd without tripping was a mystery. And of course, Rainbow Dash was nowhere to be seen. Applejack couldn’t help but feel frustrated. Where the heck was she? She’d been dodging fancy ponies for what felt like centuries, and that dumb pegasus was nowhere to be seen. Still, it was going better than expected, she thought. As long as she said nothing, then nopony would— “A fritter, ma’am?” Uh-oh. Applejack bit her lip while looking at the waiter in front of her. He had a tray with a bunch of fancy-looking food, and was smiling at her. She coughed. Okay, she couldn’t really talk without being kicked out—she already knew that. But of course, there was ‘talking’ and then there was talking. Surely, she wouldn’t blow this off. It wasn’t like nobleponies had a sixth sense anyway. So she coughed, swept the sweat on her forehead, channeled her inner Manehattan lady, and smiled at the waiter. “No, thanks,” she said. The answer was immediate. The waiter took a step back and looked at her in horror. Countless ponies gasped at the same time as they turned around to look at her. A noblepony’s monocle fell from his face. Somewhere in the distance, a baby started to cry. A lady fainted dramatically, but everypony was busy staring at Applejack, so nopony bothered to catch her and she hit the floor like a sack of bricks. “Commoner,” somepony whispered. “I can smell her fear.” Applejack smacked her own forehead. Thump! “Ugh!” Rainbow Dash hit the floor quite hard, and sadly, that wasn’t a way to say she started dancing. The aftermath of her encounter with Spitfire had been depressingly predictable—two guards had appeared and had dragged her away without waiting to hear her protest. However, they hadn’t kicked her out, as she had been expecting. Rather, they had brought her through the store and to the private part of the casino—that one that had a lot of signs with the words “Casino personnel only”. And once in there, after walking through the longest corridor ever, they had opened a black door, and then Dash had been unceremoniously thrown inside. “The Royal Guards will come soon,” one of the guards said, his face unreadable. “But first, we’ll like you to answer some questions. Wait in here.” Dash blinked as she got up. “Wait, what? What do you—” The door closed with a bam! “Hey!” She ran towards the door and knocked on it. “HEY! Don’t leave me in here, you weirdos! I’m fairly sure this is illegal!” No answer. “Don’t ignore me! What the flying feathers is wrong with you guys?! You can’t just toss me in a dark room and then go away!” Still no answer. “Oh, for crying out loud!” Dash took a couple step backs and glared at the door. “You wanna do this the hard way? Then we’ll do this the hard way!” She shook her head a couple time, wiggled her butt a little, and then charged against the door with all her strength— “I’m pretty sure that door is made of reinforced steel,” Money Bags said. “Yes.” Twilight nodded slowly. “Yes, it is.” PLONK! A pause. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—” “And she didn’t break anything?” “Dash is surprisingly tough, yes.” PLONK! “DEAR CELESTIA THIS TIME IT HURT EVEN MORE!” “Wait, she tried to tackle the door down again?” “Dash is wonderfully brave, extremely loyal and dependable, and doubtlessly one of the best ponies I’ve ever met, but I never said she was smart, exactly,” Twilight said. “Yeah, I’ve realized that,” Money Bags said. “For crying out loud, even the pink one seems smarter, judging by what you’re telling me.” “Um, well, to be fair, I’m pretty sure she’s not this…” Twilight bit her lip, “uh, hotblooded usually. It’s just that, eh, she doesn’t work well with pressure.” “Obviously.” Twenty minutes and seven tries later, Dash had finally calmed down, and the door remained unscratched. So she just shook her head and glared daggers at it, panting. “WELL, YOU’RE LUCKY I DON’T HAVE A BOMB WITH ME!” she screamed. “BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU: TRAPPING THE PONY YOU THINK IS A TERRORIST INSIDE OF YOUR BUILDING IS THE STUPIDEST IDEA EVER!” No answer. Dash huffed. “Sigh. Okay then. So.” She turned around and eyed the room for the first time. “I’m a prisoner now. Hooray.” There weren’t a lot of things in there. Boring walls, boring ceiling, boring floor, a rope hanging from the ceiling right next to a chair, swinging ominously… “Well, that’s extremely disturbing,” she said. Then she squinted. “And it gives me an idea…” “Sadly, trying to whip down the door was completely unsuccessful, and Rainbow Dash learned a valuable lesson that day: she is not Daring Do.” Twilight shook her head. “This is the seventh time she learned that one. We hope the eighth sticks, but chances are…” “How does one even do that. Whips don’t work that way.” “Dash doesn’t really work on logic as much as she works on how cool a thing might look.” “Well, whips are pretty cool, I’ll give you that.” And this is the point where we go back to Rarity, whose conversation with Money Bags had suddenly turned into a private one. Once the revenge-seeking anonymous mare was dragged away, the crowd had turned aside to talk about her in offended whispers, and Money Bags had used the distraction to walk away with Rarity. “Well,” he was saying, chuckling softly, “that was unexpected.” “Why, indeed,” Rarity replied. “But not really that unexpected, was it? One can’t be powerful without gathering a couple enemies. And nowadays, nopony is as powerful as you, hmm?” Money Bags smirked. And Rarity smirked back, because social interactions in the nobility circle are at least twenty percent smirks. But Rarity did something more: alongside her smirk, she batted her eyelashes a little. And then there was silence. Now, many things have been said about Rarity’s eyelashes. Some think they’re out of this world, some think they’re just really really really long. Applejack thinks they’re pretty freaky. And every single stallion out there – and let’s be honest, many mares too – think that they are… “Are you really going to finish that sentence?” Twilight frowned. “Hm. Maybe I shouldn’t?” “I’m fairly sure I know what ‘every single stallion out there’ thinks about your friend’s eyelashes, yes,” Money Bags said. He coughed, and a little bit of pink appeared on his cheeks. Just a little, really. “In fact, you can skip this whole bit entirely, really. I was there. I know what happened.” “Yes, yes, sure.” Twilight smiled. “Of course. That’s an incredibly sensitive topic, and to be honest, it would be kind of rude for me to ignore you, right? I’ll skip this part if you want me to.” Silence. Money Bag’s ears perked up. “Really?” “Hah. No.” To put what happened right afterwards in words would be almost unfair to Rarity, as such a thing had to be seen to be believed. However, fear not, as we’re going to explain the whole thing to the last detail, even if we need to dwell on it for hours. “This is the part where I remind you that we have your friend hostage, right?” Money Bags blinked. “For Celestia’s sake, we have the exact same friend we’re talking about. So if you don’t mind…” So, Rarity fluttered her eyelashes. Three times. Blink, blink, blink. She didn’t talk, she didn’t change her expression, she didn’t move at all. She just fluttered those eyelashes like a warrior would flutter a battle fan. And— “Are you seriously ignoring me in the middle of your interrogation?!” —And Money Bags stood there, dumbfounded, for a couple seconds. Now, some ponies say eyes can talk. Not literally, unless there’s some really weird magic working in there for some reason, of course, but figuratively. Married couples can tell what their spouse is thinking just by looking into each other’s eyes, for example, and everypony recognizes a hate stare when they see one. So maybe that’s right. Maybe eyes can talk, after all. If that was the case, then, it’s clear that Rarity’s eyes were delivering a message with all that eyelashing. A very compelling message. Blink. Blink. Blink. I’m pretty! And, as we’ve said, then there was silence. Money Bags just stared at Rarity, eyes open wide. He gulped, quite visibly. Rarity stared back. A minute passed. “So… Wanna hear all the secrets related to how the security works in this place, including—but not limited to—the security guards’ schedule, names, passwords, and the places where we hide the keys?” he asked. “That would be lovely!” “Okay, now, before you judge me—!” “Too late.” “Before you judge me,” Money Bags repeated, as if he hadn’t heard Twilight, “I’ll let you know that girls love security-related secrets, okay?! And she was obviously flirting with me!” “She blinked three times.” “It was an obvious try to win over my affections!” “It was an obvious way to prevent her eyes from going dry.” “Girls love security-related secrets!” Silence. “…No,” Twilight said, sighing. “No, we don’t. We definitely don’t.” “Hah!” Money Bags waved a hoof, his cheeks even pinker. “Hardy har har! And what would you know about that, exactly?! I know everything there’s to know about the female brain! I’m a genius!” “Yes, well, I’m a girl myself,” Twilight replied, arching an eyebrow. “Pretty sure I have an advantage here.” Silence. Money Bags blinked. “Wait. So… you don’t dig that kind of thing?” Twilight squinted a little. “What in Equestria would give you that impression?” “Oh. Oooh. Oooooooooooooooh crabapples.” Money Bags looked at the ceiling and ran a hoof through his mane. “Oh dear Celestia, everything I knew was wrong.” “Are you telling me that’s how you try to pick up mares? You just blurt out all the keys to get in your house and steal everything? That’s your understanding of romance?!” “You know, so many things make so much sense,” Money Bags whispered, his tone whimsical and dreamy. “I was blind, but now I see.” “I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” Twilight said, shaking her head. “This went from funny to sad in no time. What else do you say when you try to win the heart of a mare? You start to scream random instructions on how to correctly burn down your mansion?” Silence. Money Bags looked at Twilight again, his face sadder than a puppy in a puppy funeral. Twilight frowned. “Wait. Wait a moment. You mean that you actually—Oh my goodness. Money Bags sighed. “This explains so much about my love life…” “Like the fact that you’re incredibly lonely?” “Like the fact that I’m incredibly lonely.” So, moving away from that pathetic scene that would drag on for a while, as Money Bags ended up telling Rarity everything she had to know about the casino’s security… “I mean, seriously.” Twilight eyed Money Bags. “I can’t believe this, but I feel kind of sorry for you right now.” …And we go from Rarity to Applejack, who we left surrounded by nobleponies that hungered for blood. And ponies to look down at. Nobleponies are charming, that way. And when one says “surrounded”, one means it. There were nobleponies everywhere Applejack could see. And every single one was glaring at her with murderous eyes. Well, every single one but the one who had fainted, but even she looked kind of angry, in a very unconscious way. She looked around frantically as the nobleponies got closer and closer, their looks angrier and angrier by the second. What to do? What to do?! There was no escape route, she was going to be kicked out, and then Rarity was going to yell at her like there was no tomorrow. She gulped, which caused some commotion among the angry noblemob, because apparently she hadn’t gulped like a true lady or something dumb like that, and then she noticed one of the angry ponies was actually a waiter, carrying a tray with fancy fritters and all that. Thus, she did what all farmers do when they’re in distress: she took all the food in sight and put it in her mouth without even thinking about it, in the hopes that all the bad things would go away after swallowing. And, amazingly, this time she felt something more than fat and shame after eating. Because those apple fritters were awful. Literally everything in those things was wrong! There was too much sugar, the honey was—SOMEHOW—completely rotten, the cream was dry, it had been overfried, and, in all honestly, Applejack didn’t know what in tarnation they had used as the base for those fritters, but it definitely didn’t deserve the noble name of “apple”. A frown appeared on her face. Her pupils became smaller. Her mouth twisted in a gesture of both disgust and incredulity. Her teeth were bared. She looked like a foal who’d licked a lemon for the first time in his short life two seconds ago, only that lemon was also on fire at the time. It was the ugliest expression Applejack had ever shown. Incidentally, it was also, and by far, the most regal. It’s easy to see why, actually. Applejack was a humble farmer, yes, but she definitely knew her way around apple fritters and those things in her mouth were certainly worse than anything she’d ever tried before! She couldn’t think of anything but the fact that the simplest meal cooked by her would be leagues better than what they were serving at the casino. And that was the key. She understood it when she saw the furious bloodlust vanish from the faces in the crowd. The unseen baby stopped crying, the random noblepony put his monocle back on, the fainted mare was shoved under a table and ignored. In three seconds, everypony went back to their business like nothing had happened. Being a noblepony, Applejack saw, wasn’t about how nice your accent was, or how ladylike you acted. Being a noblepony—and it seemed incredibly obvious now that she knew it—was about thinking that you were better. “Hah!” she said. “Ah got it! Ah sorted it out!” Everypony looked at her in absolute silence. In the distance, that mysterious baby whined a little. The monocle danced on the random stallion’s face. The unconscious lady looked even more unconscious. Applejack bit her lip. “Uh. Ah mean… Ugh.” She looked at the waiter with her best lemon-on-fire-and-baby face. “That was horrible.” The crowd nodded, the baby shut up, the monocle didn’t move, somepony kicked the unconscious lady in the face, and everypony ignored Applejack again. She wiped her forehead and sighed. Okay, she thought. Maybe she had to work a little bit on her accent, after all. “Uh… What are you doing?” Dash looked up and almost screamed at what she saw. The stupid door was now open, there was no sign of the two guards that had dragged her all the way there, and in front of her, blinking, cocking her head to the side, and carrying a bag, was… “Fluttershy?!” Rainbow jumped from the chair, smiling. “How did you get in here?!” “Um… I saw those two guards carry you here,” Shy explained. “I guess you didn’t notice me back there…” “You tried to get my attention?” Dash walked out of the room and Fluttershy followed. The corridor they ended up in had white walls and no furniture whatsoever, and the sound of the casino was muffled. There were many doors, some of them open, and Dash looked at every one of them, sometimes looking inside of the rooms too. “How?” “I, uh, screamed your name…” Dash arched an eyebrow. “A real scream, or one of yours?” Fluttershy blushed. “Well, I-I didn’t want to be rude…” “Yeah, that explains why I didn’t see you.” Dash smirked. “And you just walked over here, like that? Kind of bold on your part. I like it!” “Oh, no, no, no!” Fluttershy shook her head. “I know we’re not supposed to walk in here! And I—um. Dash? The exit is the other way…” “I know,” Dash said, as she kept walking down the corridor. They turned a couple corners and eventually faced a set of stairs that went down. Rainbow followed them without hesitation. “You were saying?” “Ah, yes!” Fluttershy looked around and gulped. “Um, well, I, uh, I asked one of the guards if I could walk in here. I even said pretty please!” Dash stopped and turned around to face her. “And they said yes?” “Uh… I’m not really sure he noticed me,” Shy said, hiding a little behind her mane. “I was kind of… scared… and…” “So you took it as a yes and just walked in here?” Dash frowned. “Fluttershy, this is probably the most guarded part of the casino, and you’re telling me you walked in here completely unnoticed, even though you were actively trying to get noticed?” “Um. Yes?” “Fluttershy!” Dash smiled wide and grabbed her friend by the shoulders. “That’s so awesome!” “…It is?” “Yeah! Don’t you see?!” Rainbow Dash let out a laugh and patted Fluttershy on the head. “Your absolute worthlessness when it comes to talking with ponies or being acknowledged in any way makes you the perfect mare for sneaking around! You’re our Ninja! I can’t believe we didn’t notice you had that ability!” She blinked. “Wait a minute. We didn’t notice? Dear Celestia, you’re good!” Fluttershy frowned. “I’m… glad to be useful?” “No, no. You’re useless at being noticed. Don’t get it mixed up.” “Oh. Well, that’s… kind of heartbreaking.” “Heartbreaking and awesome!” Dash grinned one more time before turning around and walking down that second corridor once more. “Now, let’s see if we can hide from the guards a little more and get away from here as soon as—” “May I ask what you two are doing here, ladies?” Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash froze. There was a guard in front of them, wearing the kind of face one would expect to see on a parent who just discovered his baby is licking a lemon on fire for no reason whatsoever. “Well, that was predictable,” Dash muttered. “I’m kind of amazed it took you so long to show up. I thought this place is supposed to be heavily guarded.” The guard squinted even more. “I’m still waiting for an explanation as to why I shouldn’t call my colleagues in here to drag you to our dungeons, ladies.” “Aren’t we already in the dungeons?” Dash asked. “Uh. Well. Technically talking, yes, partially, but…” The guard blinked. “Hey! You don’t need to know any of that!” “We actually do!” Dash said. “You see, regardless of what you heard me saying a couple minutes ago, there’s a perfectly rational—and legal—reason for us two to be here! So just listen to my perfectly believable and well thought-out story, and—” “Yeah, so, long story short, I kicked him in the head really hard and we flew away,” Dash said. “Atta girl!” Applejack offered her hoof to Dash, who promptly bumped it with one of her own. “Wish Ah could’ve done that myself.” “Heheh. Yeah.” They were all back at the house in Canterlot, sitting at that giant round table they had. After kicking the guard, Dash and Fluttershy had run for the exit as fast as they could, and soon they had found Applejack waiting there, still trying to go unnoticed. It still had taken Rarity half an hour to get out of there, but eventually, they had all managed to escape without the guards chasing them down. “Yeah, that’s because I kicked that one really hard. He’s probably still sleeping,” Dash said. “And I made sure to look at the whole section of the casino we were at—all memorized, Twilight! I can draw you a map in twenty seconds flat.” She smirked. “That’s a weather pegasus for you!” “You sure just one look is enough, sugarcube?” Applejack said. “Have you ever drawn a map before?” “AJ, please.” Dash smiled at her. “I’m a pegasus! If we didn’t know how to draw maps with just one look, we would get lost the minute we flew a couple miles away from home. A little bit of directional sense is a must if you have wings.” “Well, I’m glad you had such a successful afternoon,” Twilight said, smiling. She was still smoking a little, just like Pinkie Pie. “We too had our fair share of success, right, Pinkie?” “We only exploded the basement twice!” Pinkie said, clapping. “And we baked three more cakes! Spike helped!” “Exactly!” “Also we’re out of chamomile tea now.” “There. See? Spike wasn’t in the story because he was baking cakes,” Twilight said, “and you said you didn’t want to hear about cakes!” “I also said I didn’t want to hear the Rarity part of the story, and you ignored me,” Money Bags replied, frowning. “It all makes sense now!” “Actually, it still doesn’t make any sen—” “Yep.” Twilight nodded to herself. “It all makes sense now.” “This is certainly a change from what we brought to the table yesterday,” Rarity said. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you with your education today, Applejack, but I figured getting some information out of Money Bags was important, too.” “Oh, don’t worry.” AJ smiled. “Ah figured a big part all by myself, after all. Ah just need to work on my accent a little more and that’s all.” “And you did get some amazing information,” Twilight said, smiling at Rarity. “Are you sure it’s good?” “Believe me: it is.” “But is it going to be that easy?” Spike asked, munching an emerald he had brought with him. From the, uh, cake baking he’d been doing. Cake baking with emeralds. “The accent thing? After two days of intense training, you haven’t gotten anywhere with that.” “Oh, please.” Applejack waved a hoof. “Ah’m sure once Ah get the core of it, we’ll go through it faster than Apple Bloom’s runnin’ durin’ Bow Burnin’ Day.” Fluttershy frowned. “Why does the Apple Family have one of those anyway?” “Miscellaneous reasons,” Applejack said. “Spikey is right, though,” Rarity said, frowning. “I’m afraid my initial approach was not good enough to teach you anything, Applejack. Maybe I should try something different?” “You’re the expert,” Applejack said, shrugging. “Ah just know Ah gotta look stiff and narcissistic all the time.” “Hmmm…” Rarity arched an eyebrow. “Stiff and narcissistic, you say…?” Then she blinked. “Oh. Oh, my! I think I have an idea!” Her voice got a little higher with every word, as if she couldn’t contain her excitement. “Applejack, sweetie, your accent is crude, inelegant, obnoxious, and full of grammatical mistakes!” “Gee. Love ya too, Rares.” “I can’t believe I didn’t realize it earlier!” Rarity laughed in that ‘oh-hoh-hoh’ way that she had. She was the only pony in existence able to laugh like that without sounding like Santa Hooves. “Approximately a quarter of the nobility talks exactly that way, only in a slightly different crude, inelegant, obnoxious, and full of grammatical mistakes accent!” Applejack blinked. “Wait. Are you implyin’ that Ah…?” “Exactly! Oui, oui, mon ámie!” Rarity said, beaming a bright smile. “You’re going to learn how to talk with a Pfrench accent!” Silence. “Wow,” Dash said. “That was surprisingly mean-spirited, even for you.” “Oh, shush.” Rarity waved a hoof. “You know I have nothing against that beautiful language. It’s just the Pfrench ponies I hate.” “That actually makes it kind of worse.” “Then, if that’s already solved…” Twilight looked at Dash and Fluttershy. “Did you take a good look at the rest of the casino? We need a map of the whole thing, not just the part Dash was dragged into.” “I couldn’t really look at it,” Dash confessed, frowning. “It’s kind of big. I think that, if Fluttershy helps me, we can map the whole thing in a couple days or so...” “Actually, that’s not necessary,” Fluttershy said, smiling. “Remember how I saw you being dragged away while I was at the store, Rainbow?” Dash blinked. “Um. Yes?” “Well…” Shy took something out of the bag she’d been carrying since she had rescued Dash and put it on the table. It was a map of the casino, complete with the locations of all windows, tables, security rooms, stairs, and emergency exists. “That wasn’t the only thing I spotted.” Absolute silence. “Oh my Celestia,” Twilight muttered, mouth open wide. “They are selling this? Seriously?” “Seeing how unconcerned with casino secrets Money Bags is,” Rarity said, “I can believe it. I’m surprised they weren’t giving it away for free.” “Um.” Fluttershy giggled. “They kind of were. It was a promotion, they said.” Silence. “Now, I know what you’re going to say,” Money Bags said, raising a hoof, “and I kindly ask you to restrain yourself.” “I’m just surprised nopony tried to rob your casino before,” Twilight said. “That’s all.” Money Bags rolled his eyes. “Oh, come on! It’s just a map of the public places of the casino. None of the important bits are drawn on it.” “Well, of course. Not even you are that stupid,” Twilight said, nodding. “But it helped us a lot. We finished our preparations way sooner than expected.” She sighed. “Just as Rarity predicted, teaching Applejack how to talk with a Pfrench accent was easier than teaching her how to talk in a basic Canterlot way, and Dash and Fluttershy mapped the entire thing in no time. It was easy for them to get into the forbidden parts of the casino, once they knew how to do it.” “And that way was…?” “Let Dash be Dash, and then let Fluttershy rescue her afterwards.” Money Bags frowned. “Huh. We did get an awful lot of random terrorists this week, yes. And some of them escaped.” “There you have it.” Twilight shrugged. “We had the map, we had the information, we had the plan… And after a while, we had the potions, too. That’s how we got ready.” “And then, flash forward to today, when you attack the casino?” “Yes.” “Good gracious. I only wanted to hear this part of the story. I feel like I’ve wasted hours.” Twilight smiled. “Oh, sorry.” “Anyway, that doesn’t matter.” Money Bags shook his head and flapped his wings once in excitement. “Now you can talk.” “Hmm.” “Not like you weren’t talking until now, of course.” “Of course.” “It’s just that, you know, you gotta remember who’s the authority here, Princess.” “Understandable.” “Yeah.” Silence. “You still feel ridiculed by the Rarity affair and want to get at least a little bit of dignity back, don’t you?” “Desperately.” “Figures.” Author's Note At first I was worried the readers wouldn't get why Twilight teases Money Bags so much in here. But then again, judging by the comments in the last chapter, you were clearly more angry about Money Bags' "you're not smart enough" comment than Twilight. So I guess this makes sense to ya. Also, first long-ass chapter in the story! Woo. Next chapter: they finally get in the casino!
Fifth Chapter - Show Starts Now!View OnlineCrime and FunishmentFifth Chapter - Show Starts Now!Twilight sighed again. “It all started,” she said, her voice a little lower than usual, “when Pinkie and Fluttershy went to the casino. They were the first ones. Their way in was…” Silence. “Yes?” Money Bags asked. “It was…?” “It… Well, let’s just say it fit Pinkie quite well.” The guard frowned. His sunglasses hid his eyes, and he was thankful for that, but still, he felt as his soul was being dissected by the mare in front of him. He was slightly aware there was another pony hanging around there, but that didn’t matter. His attention was directed at the bouncy one. The one with the puffy mane, dressed in a frilly pink dress. She had said her name was Sugar Bits. He knew she was lying. And he knew she knew he knew she was lying. Cold sweat dripped down the guard’s neck as he tried his best not to gulp or shudder. And at that very moment, as he looked into the eyes of the bouncy pony, she of the puffy mane, he knew he couldn’t let her in. He was a worker there, after all, and some very particular images had jumped into his mind the moment he had laid eyes on that mare. Explosions. Ponies screaming. Chaos. The end of an empire. That mare couldn’t get in, no matter what she said or did. But at the same time, he knew she was powerful. Oh, yes. She was powerful. Possibly the most powerful pony he had ever met, and for all the wrong reasons. He saw that she could change the fate of those who got in her way, that she could ignore fear and laugh in the face of danger, that she could save the world or destroy it. And she knew. Was she a psychopath? Was she a genius? What was she? He couldn’t know. He could only do one thing, no matter how afraid he was. “…You’re not getting in,” he finally said, his voice a mere whisper in the wind, a terrified scream of help. “You, ah.” He licked his lips. “You are not… elegant enough.” “Welp! I knew this would happen,” the mare said, never losing her smile. “Howeeeever…” She turned around and revealed a hidden bag under her dress, from where she snatched a little bottle full with a green liquid. “Top hat potion!” she said, showing it to him. The guard blinked. “What?” “Top hat potion!” she repeated, and then took a gulp. There was silence. And then, with a little plop! a top hat appeared on the mare’s head. Boom. The guard fell down to his knees, wheezing. He’d felt something like a blow to his chest. He couldn’t stop her and, worst of all, he didn’t want to. His eyes were fixed on the top hat—its magnificent shape, the wonderful way it reflected the moonlight, the elegance of its ribbon, its ability to go well with anything the mare was wearing… It was… “It is perfect,” he said, almost subconsciously. She had defeated him. “It’s… it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” “Cool!” the puffy mare said. “So can we go in?” “Of… of course.” And then, everything turned dark. When he finally got up, the mare had disappeared, but the guard didn’t care. He knew what to do now. Life made sense for him. He had discovered the meaning of life. This was the moment that, many years later, would be marked as the instant the guard left his old self behind. He walked away from the casino, never looking back. His new life had just started. Spike frowned and lowered the binoculars. “Ooookay. That had to be the most intense thing I’ve seen in weeks,” he muttered. “Hmm?” By his side, Twilight was writing something on a scroll. They were sitting on a bench at the other side of the street. “Are they in, or…?” “Oh? Yeah.” Spike looked at the door again. “Pinkie and Fluttershy got in with no trouble. But I think the guard went through some kind of—” “Enlightenment thing?” “Either that, or he got extremely constipated all of a sudden.” Spike scratched his head. “He really looked like he had some heavy business ahead, if you know what I mean.” “Pinkie’s prone to doing that kind of thing, yes.” Twilight looked up from the scroll and smiled. “She’s prone to causing stomach aches?” “Pinkie is prone to doing a lot of things, let’s be honest,” Twilight said. “Um. Pinkie?” Fluttershy asked once they got in the casino, the sound of a thousand nobleponies feeling guilty about gambling covering her soft voice. “How… How did you do that?” “Do what?” Pinkie said, smiling at her. The top hat also looked like it was smiling, which was weird, seeing how it had no face. “Summon the top hat? I brewed that potion with Twilight!” “Uh, yes, I knew that,” Fluttershy said. She took her eyes away from the top hat—surprisingly difficult; that thing was eldritchly dapper—and shot a quizzical look at Pinkie. “I mean the other thing. You know, with the guard.” She frowned. “It looked like he had forgotten something really important. Or discovered something really important. Or found out he had some serious stomach pains going on.” “Ah, yeah.” Pinkie shrugged. “A lot of ponies do that after seeing me.” “…They go to the bathroom?” “Sometimes, but usually they just go all poppy eyed and wise and stuff,” Pinkie said. “It usually happens with either orphans or black unicorns with red manes.” She stopped for a second and frowned. “Once I met an orphaned black-and-red-unicorn, and after seeing me, he almost exploded.” Fluttershy blinked. “Weird.” “Right? The same happened in Ponyville. Money Bags has a lot of orphans under his command, apparently!” Money Bags frowned. “Hm. That’d be because of my obsession with burning villages, right?” “Probably, yes.” “Huh. Would you look at that.” “But…” Fluttershy frowned. “Why does that even happen? What do you do to them?” “Oh, I do nothing! It’s just my eyes, you see? My dad thinks it probably has to do with the fact that I’m a w—OH MY GOSH THIS PLACE IS GIGANTIC!” “Hm?” Fluttershy looked around. They had come out of the small corridor that joined the main door and the gigantic casino, which looked as full, gigantic, and frightening as ever. Her ears went flat against her head immediately. “Oh gosh,” she muttered. “I don’t know how it’s even possible, but every time I come here I find it even more scary.” She licked her lips. “Say, by any chance, you don’t happen to be feeling like fleeing away scared out of your mind and then, I don’t know, hiding in the bathroom until everything goes away by itself?” she asked, the tiniest of frowns appearing on her face. “Because, um, that would be love—” “THIS PLACE IS SO SHINY AND PRETTY I WANNA GO THERE! AND THERE! AND THERE! OOOOH, WHAT’S THAT?!” Fluttershy sighed. “Worth a try, I guess. Say, can we at least avoid the ponies in here? They’re kind of mean, so—” “OH MY GOSH THAT IS THE BIGGEST, MOST MENACING, MEANEST-LOOKING, UP-TIGHT-EST CROWD I’VE EVER SEEN!” A pause. “Yes,” Fluttershy said, looking at the place Pinkie was pointing, “yes it is.” “WE TOTALLY NEED TO GO THERE!” Fluttershy sighed. And then, veeery slowly, in the gentlest way possible, she hit her own forehead with a hoof. “You know,” she muttered as Pinkie hopped and popped and jumped and more or less did everything but walk in a normal way, “one would think that by this point I would have learned my lesson, but no. I still have the hopes one day you all will learn the wonders of running away while screaming. Sigh. It’s an amazing experience, really.” “Come on, Flutter—uh, Summer Breath!” Pinkie was already pretty far away, turning around and waving at her, dodging the myriad of ponies between her and the crowd like a particularly stubborn bull dodging red capes. She had jumped on at least three ponies’ heads—and one very confused griffon’s head—by now. “We don’t wanna miss whatever is happening in there!” Fluttershy sighed again, the third time in almost thirty seconds, and followed behind Pinkie. “Yes, yes,” she said, her tone that of total defeat. Dealing with Pinkie was like dealing with a very cute puppy that had drunk a hundred cups of coffee—the best thing to do was to surrender and hope it wouldn’t try to bite you. “I mean, how much time has passed since the last time I had a good old ‘run & scream’ moment? I can’t even remember. Those were the good times: flee, faint, and spend the rest of the day with the satisfaction of a job well done—” “Heya!” Pinkie said, her voice cheery like that of a kid who had just realized he’d been trapped in a candy store all night by accident. “What’cha doing?” Fluttershy blinked, then looked around. She was in the middle of the crowd Pinkie had pointed out earlier. “Uh, w-what? What the—? How are we here already?” “Are you playing cards?” Pinkie asked, still smiling. “Can we join the game? Can we? Can we?” One of the stallions at the table chuckled. It was kind of a masculine chuckle, although not too much—it’s almost impossible to chuckle without sounding like a schoolfilly that’s trying not to giggle—and gave Pinkie a look. “You sure you want to, kiddo? You don’t look like you belong at this table.” “Of course I do! We do. Both of us.” Pinkie pointed at Fluttershy. “Especially her. Right, Summer Breath?” “No, seriously, we were like at the other side of the room three seconds ago.” “Summer Breath!” Pinkie poked her on the side of her face. “Hey!” “Ah!” Fluttershy jumped in place. “W—what?!” “Oh, hey, you screamed.” Pinkie arched an eyebrow. “That’s weird. Anyway! We wanna play this game, right? Right?” “Uh…” Fluttershy looked at the table. It was green, it was big, it was filled with cards, and sitting at it were the closest things to thugs nobility can be without getting kicked out of elegant places—there were only stallions there, of all ages and races, and none of them were wearing a monocle. That fact outright screamed the words “serious business”. Fluttershy’s pupils grew so much they took the space of her entire eye. “Uh. Ah. I’m—I would actually, uh, um. Uh.” She gulped. “Uuuuuuuuuh…” “That means yes!” Pinkie clapped twice and took up one of the few free chairs at the table. “Come on, Summer Breath! Sit down!” “Uh.” Fluttershy hid behind her mane and gulped. “I’m not—w-we don’t even know the game, and…” “Oh, yeah!” Pinkie looked at the same stallion that had talked before, the one with the moustache. “What are we playing?” The gray stallion smirked. Somehow, he still managed to look like a schoolfilly trying not to giggle while doing so. “We’re playing Golden Cups, kiddo! The most extremely, overcomplicated, and incomprehensibly long game one can play in this casino!” “Ooooooh. I love that game! I’m almost an expert!” Pinkie Pie said, right before leaning close to Fluttershy and whispering “Never heard of it.” “What?!” Fluttershy whispered back, her voice going up like three octaves. Kind of a feat when one’s whispering. “Then why did you say—?” “Because we’re robbers, Fluttershy. I mean, duh.” Pinkie smiled fiercely at her—that is, she showed all of her teeth and then some. It made the resemblance to the aforementioned caffeinated puppy eerily better. Even the top hat looked like it was doing that fang-showing thing, and it didn’t even have a mouth. “Get your head in the game!” “I’m pretty sure we shouldn’t—” “Don’t worry, we’ll wing it,” Pinkie whispered, and then she went back to the schoolfilly stallion. “Okay, somepony get my friend a chair, and I better see some cards in my hooves soon!” The crowd shuffled and there were whispers everywhere, but somepony did bring a chair to Fluttershy, and she had to sit down. To say she did it reluctantly would be kind of an understatement, as she treated the chair the same way a very small kitten treats a meteorite made out of swords on fire, but after fifteen minutes of internal screams and traumatic childhood memories involving various kinds of sofas and lounges, they finally managed to sit her down. “Just one last thing, kiddo,” the stallion said as he handed Pinkie a couple cards, a very schoolfilly-like gleam in his eye, “I should warn you: if you die in this game, you’ll die in real life too.” Silence. “As in, try not to get stabbed. That’s, um, a good rule of thumb.” “Why are you even telling me this.” “I’m not good at talking with girls.” Twilight stood in front of the mirror and bit her lip, a single drop of sweat running down her forehead and stopping on her eyebrow. Her horn was glimmering, a little purple aura surrounding the most delicate part of her incredibly complicated necklace. It was made out of the softest, most expensive, most delicate silk Rarity had found, all interweaved with silver threads. One had to slowly and painfully comb every single thread to create the butterfly pattern Rarity had showed her, and then there was the knot. Twilight Sparkle wasn’t exactly bad with delicate things, but that necklace had been driving her nuts for a long time now. However, she had finally made it—and true, the butterflies didn’t exactly look as graceful as when Rarity had been the one working with it, but that wasn’t important. Twilight’s dress was so puffy she already looked like a wedding cake; she wouldn’t be surprised if at some point somepony tried to get married in front of her—she was sure nopony was going to look at that necklace too. But still, Rarity had insisted, so there she was, trying her best not to mess it up. And almost everything was done now; she just needed to tie the knot. She bit her lip even harder and the threads moved, very slowly. Aaaalmost. Aaaaalmoooooooost— And then, of course, the door went BLAM! Twilight flinched, the necklace fell to the ground, and there was an explosion, because there’s no other way to describe the way absolutely everything got ruined. All the silver threads untied themselves in painful slow motion, scattering around the room like dust in a particularly windy hurricane, taking the shapes of screaming children and nuclear explosions while doing so, and finally laying on the ground, completely lifeless, like the victims of some unspeakable tragedy. Silence. “Well, that was spectacular.” “You know,” Twilight said, closing her eyes and sighing, “what frustrates me here is not that this situation was predictable. The frustrating part is that I actually left the door open so no door slamming could scare me.” She frowned. “Which means that you had to carefully walk to the door, grab the handle, close it quietly so I wouldn’t notice it, and then kick it open for the sake of drama.” She turned around to face the pony who had come in. “Which is something I would actually expect from somepony like Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie, but y—OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?!” Applejack cocked her head to the side. “It’s my Pfrench face!” she said. “Ah use it whenever Ah need to look Pfrench. Oui Oui moinseur. See?” “YOU LOOK LIKE A BABY EATING A LEMON ON FIRE!” Applejack let that horrible expression fade. “Gee. Thanks, Twi.” “Ah.” Twilight covered her mouth with a hoof and walked towards Applejack. “Uh, sorry. I don’t know what got into me. It’s just… That face is, um, very… Very…” “Noble?” “Let’s be polite and go with that, yes.” A pause. “You did look like a baby eating a lemon on fire, though. That’s a fact.” “How do you even know what that looks like?” “I did a lot of weird experiments in my youth.” Twilight waved a hoof in a dismissive way, as opposed to waving a hoof in a missive way. The secret was in the wrist. “Anyway, Pfrench face aside, you look amazing!” Applejack shot her a smile. Her coat had been painted light brown, and she was dressed in a soft black dress, with no sleeves and barely any decoration, except for a couple flower patterns on the lower half, and there was a beret on her head. “Thanks, Ah guess. Ah still don’t like the paint, though.” Twilight shook her head. “You know it’s a necessity, Applejack.” “Easy for you to say, you’re not painted. Ah smell like house paint!” “Well, then your nose is far more sensitive than a normal pony’s, because you’re the only one who thinks so.” Twilight patted her on the shoulder. “I’m really sorry, AJ.” “Eh, it’s not your fault, Twi.” Applejack looked at the necklace that had met the floor like a lover looks at his lost mother-in-law. “Uh. Trouble with the necklace?” “More like trouble with the whole dress,” Twi said, frowning. “I mean, look at this!” she said, pointing at herself. “I look like some kind of pastry!” “You remind me of my cousin and her best friend’s Friendship Celebration Ceremony cake,” Applejack said, eyeing the myriad of white puffs that seemed to form Twilight’s clothes. “The only thing you’re lacking is the butterfat.” Twilight blinked. “…Friendship Celebration Ceremony?” “Yeah!” Applejack said, nodding. “Weird, isn’t it? All the Apples were there! Both mares got dressed fancy, gave each other a ring, and kissed! Very movin’, all that deal. You could feel the friendship in the air.” AJ nodded. “Ah’d never heard of such a thing before, but they said it was a Manehattan thing. And there was a cake just like you there!” “They… They got each other rings and kissed?” Twilight arched an eyebrow. “What do you say the ceremony was called?” “The complete name is ‘Friendship Celebration Ceremony and Absolutely Nothing Else, Wink Wink’. The winks were written on the banner, y’see.” “Uh-huh.” Twilight nodded. “Say, how conservative are your cousin’s parents?” “Very!” “Figures. Anyway, yes, I also think I look like a wed—a Friendship Celebration Ceremony cake.” She turned around and faced the mirror again. “And I’m pretty sure it didn’t look like this when Rarity helped me try it on. Do the butterflies on my back look graceful and whimsical?” “They look like angry wasps.” “Oh.” “Very angry wasps.” “Yes, I got it.” “One of 'em is doin’ some kind of gesture with its legs.” Applejack squinted. “Ah don’t know what it is, but let me tell you, it ain’t nice.” Twilight sighed. “I should have asked Rarity for help before she went away, I think. Why in Equestria would she design a dress that’s impossible to wear? Doesn’t that defeat the entire point of clothes?” “Little guy’s got passion, Ah’ll tell you that.” Applejack tapped her chin. “Oh, hey, Ah hadn’t seen that one in the back! What is it doin’ with the other’s—wow, that’s just nasty.” “Applejack!” “Ah?” Twilight turned around and frowned. “Stop looking at my whimsical butterflies!” “Ah!” Applejack jumped back. “Sorry, sorry. Ah won’t do it again.” She scratched the back of her neck. “And… Yeah, you should have asked Rares. Like, really. Really.” “The point has been driven home already, yes.” Twilight sighed. “What a shame.” “Well, what can you do?” Applejack said. “It’s not like you can ask her now. By this point she’ll already be in the sewers with Dash.” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH SOMETHING MOVED IN THERE SOMETHING MOVED IN THERE SOMETHING MOVED IN THERE IT MUST BE A RAT!” “Rarity, that was my hoof.” “BUT IT MOVED!” “BECAUSE WE’RE WALKING!” “Oh. Uh, s-sorry, dear, I guess I’m just… I’m, eheh, not made for this whole ‘sewer’ business. I might be a liiiittle bit nervo—SOMETHING MOVED IN THERE!” “That was my hoof again.” “AND NOW SOMETHING MOVED IN HERE!” “THAT WAS YOUR OWN HOOF!” “Ah’m sure they’re havin’ a lot of fun,” Applejack finished with a smile. “Indeed. I would certainly prefer the sewers,” Twilight said, flapping her wings to make sure they were visible. “So! Do you think we should be going already?” “Ah don’t see why not,” AJ said. “Pinkie and Shy okay?” “If they weren’t, they would have sent a note,” Twilight said, nodding. “Spike didn’t spend yesterday’s whole afternoon burping into bottles for nothing.” “Eh, you’re right. Besides, if Fluttershy knows how to get in, their thing should be no big deal. Ah mean, it’s just a casino, right?” One of the nobles smirked as he looked up from the cards and threw a couple bits on the table. “Double!” he said. “Anything follows?” “Hmm.” Another one frowned. “I pass this turn.” “Ah-hah!” a third one said. “I knew it! I take two more cards, and then I—oh, drat. A ‘go to jail’ card.” “I summon Keitharar, the Winged Dragon of Chaos, and I attack your lifepoints directly!” screamed the schoolfilly one, throwing a golden card at the table. “Then I sacrifice two monsters to raise my life points to three thousand and lay two cards down, thus ending my turn!” “Darn, ran out of mana.” “Ah-hah!” Pinkie said, punching the table and throwing a seven-sided die on it. “I roll for initiative, and then I attack the troll! Smite Evil!” “I use my Lyra Card’s special effect to solve two Friendship Problems!” “Uno!” Everypony looked at Fluttershy, anticipation in their eyes. “Summer Breath!” Pinkie whispered. “Your turn!” Shy gulped and looked at her cards. One of clubs, a picture of a lake, and one that read "Fluffy the Obscenely Weak Meerkat (Heart Element)". “Uh…” she said. “Uh. Go fish?” “Yeah, they’re also havin’ a great time. Probably eatin’ a sandwich at the restaurant.” “That sounds like something Pinkie Pie would do!” Twilight agreed. Then she looked back at the necklace. “You know what? I’m not going to put that one back on. It would take too long anyway.” “Aaaw. You sure, sugarcube?” Applejack walked towards the bunch of threads and silver and picked it up. “Rarity put a lot of love into it!” “I know, and I feel horrible, but we’re going to be late if I try to tie that thing again,” Twilight said, and sighed. “Plus, no offense to Rarity, but you can hardly see my face with this dress. Nopony is going to notice the lack of jewelry on my neck.” “If you say so…” “And Rarity will never know about it either,” Twilight continued. “So really, nopony gets hurt. The perfect crime!” Rarity squinted, her ears going up faster than ever. “Oh, no. She didn’t,” she muttered. Rainbow Dash arched an eyebrow. “What? What happened?” “I felt a disturbance in the Fashion,” Rarity said. “A big one.” “The what?” “The Fashion,” Rarity repeated. “A force of nature, a somewhat magic field that wraps the whole world in its classiness and chicness, connecting everything that’s in.” She squinted so hard she accidentally closed her eyes. “And there’s a great disturbance in it.” “Words keep coming out of your mouth, but I still don’t understand anything you’re saying.” “Twilight is wearing the dress without her necklace,” Rarity said. “And that is unforgivable! I’ll have a very serious talk with her the next time I—Uh. What’s that? Your hoof again?” “Hm?” Dash looked. “Oh, no. That’s a rat.” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH—” “Yep. The perfect crime.” “Huh. Then Ah guess we’re ready!” Applejack cleared her throat with a cough and put on her Pfrench face. “Comme si comme ça, garçon, sacre bleu! Yeah, Ah’m ready.” Twilight flinched. “Ugh. Are you sure you want to keep that face on? It’s kind of—” “Twi. Whimsical butterflies.” “Okay, okay.” Twilight raised her hooves to the air, in a surrender-ish pose. “You win. Nopony’s gonna talk about your Pfrench face anymore.” Applejack nodded. “That’s all Ah want, Twi. Uh, mon dieu, tête, oui oui and all that. Ah’m so good at this.” “Yyyes.” Twilight sighed. “Yes, you are. Anyway, Spike!” she yelled, getting out of the room. “Spiiiiiiike!” “Incoming!” Spike appeared from the bottom of the stairs, running in that funny way fat colts and dragons run now and then, all wiggly and panting. “Here I am! What’s the matter, Twi—OH MY GOODNESS, APPLEJACK, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?” Applejack smacked her own forehead. “Oh, for cryin’ out loud.” “YOU LOOK LIKE A BABY EATING A LEMON ON FIRE!” “Why are you talkin’ about that too?!” “Because you do look like one!” Spike said, frowning. “And I mean it. I know how that looks. Twilight did a lot of weird experiments when she was younger.” “Waaaait a minute.” Money Bags raised a hoof and pointed at Twilight. “There’s something here that doesn’t make any sense.” “Uh?” Twilight blinked. “W-what do you mean?” “You’ve been explaining everything in excruciating detail, and that’s… Well, we’re going to say that’s fine, because keeping this civil sounds like a great idea.” He shook his head. “You already told me you asked your friends about the moments you weren’t there. However, what you just explained doesn’t add up. How did you know what happened in the sewers?” Silence. “I mean, you weren’t there! And then I got you! It’s impossible for you to know what happened!” Even more silence. Very slowly, almost painfully, Twilight sighed and closed her eyes. “I’ve been talking for over an hour,” she said, “nonstop. I’ve narrated everything that’s happened during the last two weeks or so with excruciating detail. I’ve even explained what went through some ponies’ minds while everything was happening. And the thing that calls your attention is the sewers thing?!” Money Bags squinted. “So you admit the sewers episode is off-place, hm?” “I’ve narrated the thoughts of your employees! Twice!” “Yes, but the sewers...” “Ugh.” Twilight sighed again. She really wanted to massage her temples, but sadly, she was still tied to a chair. That made it a little difficult. “Brightest bussinesspony in Canterlot, right here.” “Explain the sewers!” “I obviously talked with Rarity and the rest shortly before you caught me,” Twilight said, her eyes meeting with Money Bags. “They told me what had happened, so I know everything.” “Hmm.” Money Bags caressed his chin. “So somehow they also managed to tell you the sewers thing, huh?” “Yeah.” “They told you everything.” “Indeed.” “In the middle of the heist.” “That’s what I’m saying.” “You were surrounded by chaos, my guards were looking for you, and instead of escaping, you gathered up and had a nice little chat about what had happened today.” “Well, you know. Little talks. That’s what friends do, right?” “And they explained to you absolutely everything. In, how much? Under two minutes?” “It was an excruciatingly detailed little chat, yes.” Twilight beamed a smile. “The magic of friendship!” “And my employees’ thoughts…” “My friends are very good at reading ponies, I’d say.” Silence. Money Bags shrugged. “Oh well! I’ll take your word for it.” “That’s good.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Gosh, I can’t believe I was scared of you when we started.” “What?” “Nothing!” Twilight smiled. “Anyway, as I said, Applejack and I were the next ones coming to the casino. Obviously, stealth and discretion were crucial—the first rule of a heist is not to get caught, and the best way to do that is to make sure the pony you’re robbing doesn’t even know you’re there.” Silence. Money Bags arched an eyebrow. “You’re kidding me, right? May I remind you how you got in the Casino?” After shooting a smirk at the guard at the door, Applejack cleared her throat and yelled right into the casino, propelling her voice like a cannon shoots party paraphernalia. There was a corridor between the door and the actual casino, and its echo did nothing but make the words sound louder. “THE PRINCESS TWILIGHT HAS ARRIVED! Also, omelette, poisson, oui oui. Whatever. THE PRINCESS IS HERE!” “The princess?” “The princess... ” “The princess is here!” The reaction was immediate, as anypony with the slightest experience around nobility could have predicted. It’s not just a widely known fact, but almost common sense, that nobleponies act around princes, princesses, and other ponies with the “far more important than the rest” badge the same way mosquitoes act around a candle in the middle of the night, although at least mosquitoes don’t fool themselves thinking they’ll somehow magically turn into a light bulb if they are annoying enough. A myriad of ears perked up the same moment Applejack gave her announcement, and half a myriad of faces turned to the door, eyes gleaming and mouths agape. The silence that came after Applejack’s roar lasted only three seconds, broken first by whispers, and soon enough by screams. “The princess?” “The princess!” Like a swarm of the aforementioned mosquitoes, many nobleponies turned around and walked towards the door—the corridor was soon, well, swarmed by them, although nopony actually got out of the building. “The princess!” “Which princess?” “A princess!” “A princess!” “Wait a minute, Ah forgot,” Applejack said, turning around and facing Twilight. “What were you again? A duchess?” “Har har har.” “Uh.” The guard frowned. “Um… Names?” “You really didn’t catch that?” Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow. “Really? Because Ah’m pretty sure any other guard would have let us in by now. With no questions.” “A princess!” “The princess!” “Yeah, that’d be the answer,” Applejack said, pointing at the door. “In case the whole ‘wings and horn’ thing didn’t get through.” “You sure are having a good time, aren’t you?” Twilight whispered, looking at the insides of the casino through the door. The nobleponies were losing their minds pretty hard, all gathered in the hall, trying to peek at her, the guard blocking their view. “Shouldn’t you tone it down a little?” “Heh.” Applejack’s extremely firelemoned face made that chuckle sound like a frog trying to be menacing. “Just followin’ orders! Rarity told me to be like this.” Twilight squinted. “Rude?” “Ah prefer the term ‘assertive’, but yeah. More or less.” She shrugged. “Cut me some slack, Twi, Ah’ve been kicked out of places like this all week. Ah wanna blow off some steam.” “Um… Names?” the guard repeated. “It’s, um, a protocol thing.” “Sure, fella,” Applejack said. “She’s Her Majesty, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and Ah’m her personal bodyguard.” “And your name would be…?” Applejack frowned and tapped her chin. “Call me… Applejacque.” A pause. AJ wiggled her eyebrows a Twilight. “Ah’m so clever,” she whispered. “Hmmm…” The guard frowned and looked at Applejack with the intensity of a clone watching paint dry. “I don’t know… The princess can get in, of course, but this is a very elegant place, and—” “Omelette du fromage.” “Ah. Right. Pfrench.” The guard nodded. “Sorry. Forgot about that for a second.” “Eh, don’t worry.” Applejack patted the guard on the head. “Everypony makes mistakes now and then. Keep up the good job.” The guard shrugged. “Uh. Sure.” Then he nodded. “Your Highness.” Twilight smiled at him and nodded back. “Thank you very much,” she said as Applejack opened the door. “Well, that went well,” she whispered “Yeah!” Applejack said. “That was easy!” “Princess!” “The princess!” “Oh my gosh, the princess!” “Um…” Twilight licked her lips and took a single step towards the now open door. The nobleponies gasped. “Okay…” She turned around for a second. “Do you think they’ll calm down after a while, or—” “THE PRINCESS IS HERE!” the crowd yelled, moving as one, surrounding Applejack and Twilight the very moment they got in the building, eager faces everywhere, like puppies gathering around a mug of coffee. “Okay, no, seriously. How many times are you gonna reference that puppy-coffee thing?” “Hey, it was a traumatic weekend, okay?” “The Princess!” “Hey, everypony! They were right! The princess is here!” “Oh my Celestia!” “No, it’s the new one.” “Cadance?” “The other one.” “Blueblood?” “The princess is here!” “Ugh.” Twilight gulped and looked around. She could barely see the casino—there were too many ponies around her. “Um. Sorry, I can’t seem to… breathe? Can you please give me a little—” “The princess wants some space!” Applejack said, pushing around some of the most puppycaffeinated nobleponies, gently but with the special strength that comes from the habit of kicking trees for a living. “Her majesty needs to breathe! Get the bonjour out of the way, y’all!” “You heard that! She wants to breathe!” “Oh, but how can we show our respect for her if we can’t asphyxiate her with our adoration?!” “I have fireworks with me!” “That sounds reasonable!” “Seriously,” Twilight said. Her horn glimmered just a little, and for a moment, there was an almost imperceptible green flame behind her. Nopony seemed to notice. “I can’t, um, breathe. As in, at all. I’m suffocating a little here.” Applejack pushed some more ponies out of the way. “Ah’m gettin’ serious!” she said. “Out!” “And who would that be? That deliciously Pfrench pony,” a mare whispered. “I’ve never seen her around…” “I think she’s Princess Twilight’s bodyguard, darling,” another one replied. “Exudes elegance, doesn’t she?” “Ah’m gonna start kickin’ butts if y’all don’t move, guys, and Ah’m bein’ serious! Howdy howdy howdy how do you like’ em apples sugarcube reckon y’all ain’t gonna like it when Ah go and buck yer fancy faces! Also, bienvenidos, amigos, and all that.” Princess Twilight elbowed her. “Wrong language!” she whispered. “Oh. Whoops. Merci beaucoup, Ah mean.” The first mare that had talked nodded. “Such grace.” “Um…” Fluttershy frowned and turned around, leaving all her cards on the table. “Did… Did you hear that?” “Ah-hah!” Pinkie pressed a red button on the table, causing a wheezing sound. “The answer is ‘pancakes’! Jeopardy! Also I summon Normal Bird to the battlefield and end my turn without attacking.” “The villager tells you he hasn’t heard news of any trolls attacking the kingdom lately,” another noblepony said, skimming through a giant rulebook. “Um. Pinkie?” Fluttershy repeated, poking Pinkie on the side. “Are you… Can’t you hear that?” “What?” Pinkie looked at her friend and cocked her head to the side. “Ah, Summer Breath. What’s the matter?” Fluttershy pointed at the other side of the room. “Listen,” she said. Pinkie turned around and obeyed. The room was too big and far too crowded to see what was on the other side, but it definitely looked like a really big group of ponies had gathered around one particular point, and they were all talking at the same time. “Huh,” she said. “Sounds like they’re having fun.” “Do you think it means they’ve arrived?” Fluttershy asked. “It sounds like they’re—” BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM—pshooooooooooooooBLAM! Silence. Fluttershy squinted. “…Are those fireworks?” Pinkie nodded. “Eeeeeyup.” “Inside of the room?” “Eeeeeyup.” Silence. BLAMBLAMBLAM! BLAM! BLAMBLAM! “Isn’t that kind of dangerous?” “Well, this is a big room,” Pinkie said. “I guess Twilight is here after all!” BLAMBLAMBLAM! Pshoooooooooo... “We’re so good at being stealthy.” “Hey!” Rainbow Dash raised a hoof, and her ears perked up. The sewers echoed with her whisper. “Did you hear that?” “OH MY GOSH YOU HEARD A RAT!” “No, no.” Dash shook her head. “It came from the casino. Something like… an explosion?” “OH MY GOSH YOU HEARD AN EXPLOSIVE RAT!” “I don’t even get why you’re so freaked out.” “I DON’T GET WHY YOU ARE SO NOT FREAKED OUT!” Dash rolled her eyes. “Seriously, I heard something. I think Twilight is already there. We should get ready.” “WE SHOULD GET READY IN CASE THERE’S A RAT—” “If you raise your voice one more time, Rarity, I swear to Celestia I’m going to dunk your head in that puddle.” Silence. “…Puddle?” “That one, over there. The black one. The one that’s twitching.” Dash squinted. “I don’t know what’s inside, but it certainly doesn’t look like water.” “Uh.” Rarity gulped. “It’s definitely not water.” “Well then. Are you gonna scream again?” Rarity shook her head. “Good.” Rainbow Dash nodded and opened her saddlebags. “Then let’s get to work.” To understand what came out of those saddlebags, one first needs to know that the building that was visible in Canterlot was not the entire casino. On the contrary, the majority of Money Bag’s empire was built underground—Rainbow Dash had discovered that the very first day, when she noticed one had to go downstairs to find the offices and the casino’s own little jail. The casino had many underground levels, each one bigger than the preceding one. The result was that of a pyramid-shaped building, with the visible part of it being the peak. Such a design served absolutely no purpose whatsoever, though. “Hey!” Money Bags frowned. “It does serve a purpose!” “It does?” “Yeah! It boosts my extremely overblown ego and makes me feel like I’m even better than anypony else.” Money Bags smirked. “Not even Celestia has a pyramid! I’m like the emperors of old! My power has no limits!” A pause. Twilight squinted. “Seriously, of all the megalomaniacs I’ve met in my life—and trust me, I’ve met a bunch—you’re both the megalomanest and the stupidest. That takes talent.” “Because I’m a genius!” “Yes. Yes. My point exactly.” So, as we were saying, that design had no real use whatsoever, except for maybe fulfilling the delusional fantasies of its owner, whose ability to get rich and be seen as one of the most influential individuals in Canterlot keeps getting more and more surprising by the second. Money Bags blinked. “Huh. Thanks!” Twilight smiled at him. “You’re welcome!” Anyway, that design meant that the deepest level of the casino was the most important—as in, the one where Money Bags kept all his documents. That meant two things: first, getting through the normal way would be almost impossible—there were enough guards in each level to make it very hard to get to the other side of it without being seen, and there were five levels. Second it also meant that the sewers were right under the fifth level, and thus it wasn’t really necessary to get in “the usual way” at all. And so, Dash took out of her saddlebags nothing but cakes, of many sizes and flavours, and various bottles filled with very hot chamomile tea. “Okay,” she said, giving everything to Rarity, “I’m going to fly to the ceiling and stick the cakes up there. You stay here and make sure no rat comes and tries to eat it.” Rarity gulped. Her ears went down. Her pupils became the size of peas. A shiver ran down her spine. Her left eye twitched. “Wow, control your excitement,” Dash said. “You’re starting to look like Pinkie Pie here.” “What, are they going to have a picnic down there?” Money Bags asked. “And seriously, you have a cake obsession.” “Hmm.” Twilight shrugged. “You’ll find out.” “The best part of this is, I already know we’re going to keep talking about baked goods,” Money Bags said, rubbing the space between his eyes. “Seriously, what is with you and cakes? Why are you so obsessed with them?” “Eh, I spent a whole week living under the same roof as Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said. “Baking and talking about cakes out of nowhere is the rule when you’re near her.” She frowned. “Seriously, it’s uncanny. Sometimes I wonder if she lives in Sugarcube Corner because it’s a bakery, or if Sugarcube Corner is a bakery because she lives in there.” “That would be more interesting if I had any idea what the hay Sugarcube Corner is.” “Oh, well, it’s—” “Princess.” “Yes?” “I don’t care.” Money Bags sighed. “I mean, I know it’s completely impossible, but, really, if you managed to stop talking about cakes for a while, I would be really grateful.” Twilight looked at the ceiling. “Hmm. I can try.” “Cake!” Twilight said. “Oh, come on.” “Hey, I said I’d try. Geez.” Perhaps we should go back in time, at least a couple minutes, to properly show why Twilight Sparkle had felt the urge to say that word out loud like that. Walking towards the restaurant had been quite the feat, and the only reason they had achieved it was Applejack being really, really strong, and really, really good at pushing nobleponies away. After a couple minutes of the crowd around them getting bigger and bigger, Money Bags himself appeared, dressed in that black, custom made suit of his—with a matching tie, of course. Even though she had been prepared for this, Twilight couldn’t help but feel surprised at the way the nobleponies acted. There was a very logical reason, of course—as Rarity had carefully explained, the casino was a guilty pleasure, no matter how socially accepted it had become, so almost everypony in there was ashamed of being seen in the building. The sudden appearance of a princess had the double effect of both deleting part of the stigma attached to the casino—”If the Princess is here, then it’s not that bad!”—and causing the nobleponies to feel even more embarrassed—”Oh dear Celestia, the Princess just saw me enjoying myself at the casino, like a mere commoner! What am I going to do?! So the nobleponies had two options: they could either try to demonstrate both to the Princess and to themselves that they weren’t there because of the casino, but because of the ponies in there, or they could show their appreciation and gratitudefor the Princess due to her deleting the aforementioned social stigma. Funnily enough, both options involved trying get as physically close to Twilight as possible, screaming their throats out at the same time because why wouldn’t they. Well, at least the vast majority of them were doing that. If there had been any band playing at the stage the music would have been completely covered up by the screams. A random pony in the background had even chosen to show his feelings via shooting a seemingly endless stream of fireworks at the ceiling. “You know, I kind of like him,” Applejack said, looking at the Fireworks Guy as both her and Twilight sat down at the table Money Bags had prepared for them. “He has fireworks, so he shoots fireworks. Stick to your guns, as they say.” “He’s been doing that for the last fifteen minutes,” Twilight said, frowning a little. “…Shouldn’t somepony stop him?” “Oh, Princess, it’s just a celebration of your presence here!” Money Bags said, sitting down too and smiling at them. “Under normal circumstances, my guards would have taken care of him a long time ago, but we can make an exception.” “I… guess.” “Um. Excuse me. Excuse me? Excuse me, sir.” A waiter somehow managed to swim through the mass of neverending nobles that was surrounding that table and stood there, a notebook floating in front of him. “Ahem. Princess? Mister Money Bags? Madame Princess’ Bodyguard? May I take your order?” “Don’t bother to bring the bill afterwards,” Money Bags said, still smiling. “It will be my honor to pay for their drinks.” Twilight shot a side glance towards Applejack. She shrugged. “Ah guess he’s the host. Quatre-vingts. You’re bein’ awfully polite, Mister Money Bags.” “Oh, please, miss… Sorry, I didn’t catch your name?” “Applejacque.” Money Bags nodded. “Miss Applejaque. You see, my casino had never been honored with the presence of a member of royalty before—my employees were quick to tell me about your visit the very moment you stepped in, because this is certainly an occasion we should celebrate, isn’t it?” He chuckled. “Besides, as you kindly said, I’m the host. And it’s normal for me to invite some of my most beloved clients to a drink, isn’t it?” A bunch of nobleponies in the crowd nodded and a general affirmative mumble ran through the entire room. Twilight frowned as she looked at all the ponies doing nothing but looking at her. She felt like she was on a stage, acting in some kind of play. The only thing she was missing was some makeup, but she guessed Applejack was standing in for the both of them in that regard. “Hmm. Many thanks, Mister Money Bags.” Then she remembered some of Rarity’s tips on how to woo him. “Uh, the crown will make sure to remember this, uh, gesture.” “Oh, please. I aim to serve.” “Ain’t he just the finest gentlecolt in the room.” Applejack rolled her eyes. “Anyway, Princess? The waiter’s waitin’.” The waiter nodded. “Don’t worry, madame. It’s my job.” “Oh, right. Sorry.” Twilight smiled at him. “Ahem. I would like to eat a slice of strawberry cake, if you don’t mind?” “Same here,” Applejack said. “And Ah hope your strawberries are better than your apples, because pffff.” She looked at the crowd of nobles. “Ah mean, escargot, right?” The crowd of nobles went crazy. “Oh, of course! Escargot, that’s what I always say!” “Escargot, escargot indeed.” “Those apples couldn’t be more escargot even if they tried!” “I dare to say, the cakes are even more escargotian. Sometimes. Maybe. I don’t know. Perhaps?” “Yes, whatever the Pfrench mare said.” “Such a beautiful language.” “Escargot, I say!” Twilight arched an eyebrow at Applejack. “You sure are having fun, huh?” “Lots.” “Hmm, I think I’ll have the same as them,” Money Bags said. Then he turned to Twilight. “Do you like sweets, Princess? I didn’t know that.” A-a-a-ah. That was the moment Rarity had been talking about. Now everything depended on Twilight’s answer. She felt Applejack getting a little more tense than usual by her side. However, she wasn’t going to let all that training go to waste. Rarity had barely slept for the last week because of her, and she was going to make sure it paid off. So she relaxed her shoulders and made sure her legs wouldn’t shake, took a deep breath to slow her heartbeats, and licked her lips, to avoid a dry mouth. Eyes forward, she thought. Muzzle up. Hooves relaxed. Tail falling gracefully to the side. And finally, she let a confident smile creep to her face, and looked at Money Bags. “Oh, well,” she said, “you know. It’s the latest trend. Everypony who’s somepony knows cake is absolutely in.” She paused. “Princess Celestia herself adores it too, of course.” Absolute silence. Except for the fireworks, of course. Fireworks Guy was very thorough with his job. Then every single noblepony in the crowd turned to the waiter, eyes sparkling. “I would like a piece of cake too!” “Another one here!” “I’ll have the same as the Princess!” “Cake, please!” “I want one too!” “One slice of cake, waiter! And another one for my wife!” Applejack smiled at the now-panicked waiter, who was just standing there, like a duck being hit with the sudden realization that beauty is ephemeral and consciousness is just an illusion. “You’re gonna need a bigger notebook,” she said. “I honestly can’t believe we won that game.” “How couldn’t we? You had Fluffy the Obscenely Weak Meerkat!” Pinkie said, balancing the giant bag of bits on her back. “That’s an amazingly powerful card!” “…But we didn’t bet a single bit. How did we even…?” “Amazingly powerful!” They had gotten away from the table some minutes ago because even the schoolfilly stallion looked kind of shocked at their victory, so now Fluttershy and Pinkie were walking aimlessly around the gambling section of the casino, mostly looking for anything shiny enough to grab Pinkie’s attention for more than three minutes. “We should do something with this money!” Pinkie was saying. “Imagine how many things we can buy with it!” “Oh… Are you sure we can spend it?” Fluttershy bit her lip. “I think it would be better to give it back. Although… To whom? The stallions at the table left… Maybe we could give it to the casino? Or maybe to Celestia? Or we could donate it to an orphanage, that would be nice.” “Yes, um. I would really like to spend it as soon as possible. It’s kind of breaking my back.” “Oh, but we can’t! That wouldn’t be nice of us!” “I heard a crack.” “Cake!” Both of them blinked and looked to the left. There were two stallions standing near a wall, talking. Both of them had a plate with a little slice of cake on it. “Cake!” the first stallion repeated. “It’s the latest trend! Everypony knows so!” “Definitely, definitely.” The second stallion nodded and put another piece of cake in his mouth. “After all,” he said after swallowing, “even Princess Celestia likes it, doesn’t she?” “So Princess Twilight said,” the first one replied. “But, of course, I already knew that. Princess Twilight just, um, reminded me of the fact!” “Indeed, indeed. Say, did you see her dress? The angry wasps? So avant-garde!” He put a foreleg over the other stallion’s shoulder. “Almost makes me feel like Celebrating our Friendship…” “Huh.” Pinkie looked at Fluttershy as they walked away. “Looks like Twilight already made her move!” “So it seems.” Fluttershy looked around. Now that she paid attention, there were a lot of ponies eating cake. Even some of the ones at the slot machines were munching it between lost coin and lost coin. “And I don’t see any waiters,” she said. “Hey, you’re right!” Pinkie smiled, then winked. “I guess they’re very busy, hmmm? There are a lot of ponies in here! Hahah!” Fluttershy nodded. “Hmm.” Poof! Both Pinkie and Fluttershy blinked at the sudden burst of green flames that had appeared in front of them. Then, after a second, it was gone. A small parchment fell slowly to the ground. It said, “Phase one complete—start Phase Two!” It was a dark time for the casino kitchen. One of the first things Pinkie had asked was how big the kitchen was, and how much food was stocked in there. And, as it was usual for Pinkie Pie’s questions, what looked like some silly nonsensical thing was actually pretty important. The thing about Money Bags’ casino is that, in the end, its main purpose was to act as a casino. True, there was the restaurant, and the shop, and the theater… but those were mild distractions. Ponies were expected to go and spend their bits on the slot machines and poker tables, and only now and then go and ask for a drink or an elegant snack. So, what happened when almost every pony in the casino suddenly realized they had to eat cake? Easy answer. There wasn’t enough food. “It’s useless!” the head chef, Chocolate Pudding, said, falling to his knees in the magnificently big kitchen of the casino, a gigantic, ever-white place filled with cooks and chefs and servants and scullions and whatnot. “There’s just no way!” “Sir!” One of the other cooks, an old stallion named Orange Swirl, got him by the shoulders and raised him, locking eyes with him. “You can’t give up, sir! Not now!” “But it’s useless! Useless, I tell you!” Chocolate Pudding fainted like a true lady—or, well, he did the ‘fainting like a lady’ gesture; he didn’t lose consciousness—forcing Orange Swirl to hold him like a lover holds the master chef of a kitchen. “There’s not enough cakes!” “But we have the ingredients, sir! We can make it! We have the technology!” “It isn’t enough, my loyal Orange Swirl!” Chocolate Pudding continued with his fainting. “We have eggs, and flour, and sugar, but we don’t have the ability! We don’t have the time or the skills to make so many cakes in such little time!” “Sir! We can try, sir!” Orange Swirl looked around, at the dozens of workers that were looking at them with a mix of hope and fear. “Everypony in this kitchen will follow your orders and try their hardest the moment you—” “But trying hard is not enough!” Chocolate Pudding roared. In the background, somepony started playing a sad violin piece. Very heartwarming. “It’s not enough, Orange Swirl! We’ll never make it! I know what I’m talking about! My wife died trying to bake too many cakes!” “Sir…!” Orange Swirl fought back tears, as did most of the mares and at least three of the other stallions in the kitchen. “Sir, it’s different now! We all have the proper training! It won’t happen again!” “But I’m not willing to risk it, Orange Swirl!” Chocolate Pudding shook his head, tears running freely down his cheeks. “We’re just not made for this! If only there was some kind of legendary baker, a pony so used to baking cakes her mere existence was linked to them, a pony who had spent the last week or so doing nothing but baking cakes and possibly brewing potions, then we might have a chance of survival!” He grabbed Orange Swirl by the shoulders. “But that’s impossible, and without a pony like that, we’re doomed! Doomed I tell you!” BLAM! The doors opened, and the sad violin piece was immediately replaced with a victorious choir singing something in an ancient language nopony really understood. Everypony turned around and fell to their knees after looking at her—the one who had opened the door, a pony surrounded by an impossibly white light, her mane floating gracefully in the nonexistent wind. Pinkie Pie. “You have found your warrior,” she said. Silence. Money Bags arched an eyebrow. Twilight frowned. “What?” More silence. “What?” The eyebrow got even higher. “Ugh. Okay, I might have dramatized that last part a little,” Twilight said, huffing. “But then again, it’s Pinkie we’re talking about. I’m willing to believe that is what really happened.” “Um. Pinkie?” Fluttershy walked in the kitchen too and poked her friend on the side. “Did you really need to close the door so you could pinkick it open?” “Yes!” Pinkie didn’t skip a beat. “Everypony, we have a mission!” The choir got louder. “We are not going to be defeated!” Some of the ponies got up from their knees, hope gleaming in their eyes. “You mean…” Orange Swirl whispered, swallowing. “You mean you…?” “Of course!” Pinkie said, walking towards Chocolate Pudding, who was still on the ground. “I’m the one you need! I have the training! I have the ability!” She looked down. Chocolate Pudding had entire rivers of tears on his cheeks, his eyes sparkling like a bunch of pearls in front of a house on fire. It made Pinkie slightly melancholic. “So,” Pinkie whispered, still smirking, “the question here is: do I have the crew?” Chocolate Pudding swept the tears away and got up. “YES, MA’AM!” “THEN LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!” Pinkie screamed, raising one hoof to the skies. The chorus hit its highest note. “YES, MA’AM!” “You, you, and you!” Pinkie walked towards the center of the kitchen, pointing at random ponies while she was at it. “Bring all the flour we have! You, help that one with the sugar! You, start slicing those strawberries! The three in the back, whip as many eggs as possible! You prepare the oven! You get the chocolate ready! Come on, come on, come on!” “M-ma’am!” One of the mares marched towards Pinkie Pie and gave her a salute. “I’m afraid we don’t have enough personnel, ma’am! Over half our waiters are existential ducks right now!” Fluttershy blinked. “Ducks?” “It’s a restaurant term, Summer Breath. Don’t worry about it.” Pinkie smiled at Fluttershy, then turned back to the mare that had reported to her. “Private!” she said. “I’m actually a cook, ma’am.” “Private Cook!” Pinkie said. “If we don’t have enough waiters, we get them! Go ask the guards for help!” “B-but, ma’am!” Chocolate Pudding said, frowning, “that’s impossible! They have other duties!” “Then they’ll have to ignore them for a while!” Pinkie said, her voice that of a sergeant in the middle of a battle. “The princess is out there, and we’re going through a cake shortage! This is more important!” “Yes, ma’am!” the mare said, running towards the door. “I’m on it, ma’am!” “Celestia be with you, Private Cook!” Pinkie said, saluting her as she ran away. Then she turned towards Chocolate Pudding. “And, chief cook?” “Yes?” Pinkie put a hoof on his shoulder and smiled. “Your wife would be proud.” Chocolate Pudding tried to fight back tears again, but he couldn’t. It was a shame, to be honest. If he had been paying attention to his surroundings, he might have seen how, as the first guards walked into the kitchen, willing to take orders from Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy was getting a bottle filled with something that really looked like green fire from her saddlebags and then writing something on a piece of parchment. The sewers were filled with green light for less than a second as the flame appeared in front of Rarity and Dash. Pinkie, Fluttershy, and the guards are already in the kitchen. Money Bags is with Twilight and Applejack, and Twilight says there are fireworks there, so you won’t be heard. Good luck! Spike. Dash smirked. “Oh, yeah,” she muttered. “Time to get the game started!” And then, without even looking at Rarity, she grabbed one of the chamomile tea bottles and threw it at the ceiling. And everything exploded. Author's Note This ending blows.
Sixth Chapter - ...Okay, Define "Show"View OnlineCrime and FunishmentSixth Chapter - ...Okay, Define "Show"“Wait.” Money Bags blinked. “Wait a moment. What?” “I said everything exploded,” Twilight repeated. “As in, you know, an explosion? Something like that.” Silence. “WHAT?!” “Well, yes, that was the plan, you see? We had to—” “WHAT?!” “You’re telling me you haven’t seen your office yet—?” “WHAT?!” Silence. “WHAT?!” Twilight rolled her eyes. “You’re starting to sound like your guards.” “YEAH!” “SHUT UP!” Money Bags roared, baring his teeth at the watermelonian guards, who shut their mouths immediately. Then he turned back to Twilight, and she could see his left eye was twitching. “AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ‘EVERYTHING EXPLODED’?!” “Well, I guess it was a figure of speech,” Twilight said. “Let me rephrase it.” And then many things exploded. “There,” she said, smiling. “Better?” “HOW ON EQUESTRIA CAN YOU—” “Um, inside voice?” Twilight interrupted. “I—ugh.” Money Bags let out a breath, and then glared daggers at Twilight. “Princess, what in the name of Equestria are you talking about? An explosion? Here?” He shook his head. “How? Why? Where? When? Explain!” “Hmm.” Twilight licked her lips. “Cakes, the wall, sewers, around five hours ago, and I’m trying.” Silence. “What the—” “If you just let me explain instead of interrupting to ask for explanations,” Twilight said, “you might even understand what I’m talking about. Hint hint.” Money Bags sighed. “Okay, okay. Point taken. Just…” He turned around and looked at the guards. “One of you, go and take a look at my office. See if anything looks, um.” He frowned. “…Blown up. Just in case.” Then he looked at Twilight. “Dear Celestia, this is so stupid,” he muttered as one watermelonian guard left. “Just what the hay did your friend do?” “Well,” Twilight started, “it all makes sense, actually. And like everything that’s been happening until now, it has a lot to do with—” “Oh, no.” Money Bags’ eyes opened wide. “Oh, no. Oh, no, please, don’t tell me it’s—” “—cake.” “OH, COME ON!” That part of the plan—the one that dealt with Rainbow Dash blowing stuff up—hadn’t been really planned until halfway into the week, seeing how it relied on a very little known fact involving cake and how it reacted to chamomile tea. Now, any sharp pony would have noticed it by now, but seeing how some ponies are slower than others… Twilight glanced at Money Bags, and smirked. …maybe there’s something that has gone unnoticed until now. Something regarding Applejack’s training on being a lady and how to properly drink tea. As in, Rarity had been trying to teach AJ how to enjoy the pleasures of a relaxing cup of tea for almost a week. However—and, again, as any acute observer could have seen by now—by the time everypony went to the casino, she had seemingly forgotten about it. Why? Because the house was filled with cake due to the plan relying on it. And, for some reason, strawberry cake has a very funny reaction when it touches chamomile tea. A very funny reaction involving a fireball and a very big explosion. Silence. Money Bags stared at Twilight. “I did not make this up,” Twilight said. “I’m serious. They explode.” More silence. “Crazy, huh? One would think somepony else would have figured this one out before. But nope! Turns out nopony drinks chamomile tea with cake.” Twilight smiled. “I guess they don’t really go together. What a happy coincidence!” Even more silence. “In our case, we only found out because the house was filled with cake and chamomile tea for completely unrelated reasons. Our basement exploded twice. In fact, I think I already mentioned this, didn’t I? Spike kept making tea, and—” “Are you telling me,” Money Bags interrupted, “that you caused an explosion with food?” “Well, everypony knows that nitroglycerin is a fundamental part of the strawberry cake recipe.” Twilight frowned. “Come to think of it, how is that nopony has ever questioned that? It seems pretty dumb in hindsight. Ah! It also explains why Pinkie knew how to find TNT. Wow, it all wraps up pretty nicely, doesn’t it?” “YOU CAUSED AN EXPLOSION WITH DESSERTS?!” BLAM! “YEAH!” Everypony turned around to face the watermelonian guard that had just opened the door. He was completely covered in soot and ashes. “What do you mean, ‘yeah’?” Money Bags asked, frowning. “The office has been blown up?” “YEAH!” Twilight looked at the other guards. They weren’t talking. That had been the door guard alone. “Huh,” she muttered, “I guess his voice is just weird.” “He’s a she,” Money Bags said, casting a sideways glance towards her. “Her name is Dainty Rose.” “Oh. My bad.” “So.” Money Bags faced Dainty Rose again. “You’re saying my office is blown up? Princess Twilight’s story checks out?” “YEAH!” “No, seriously, how do they do that?” Twilight said. “Is it the echo, or…?” “I can’t believe this,” Money Bags muttered. “I can’t… You have to be kidding me. How bad is it?” “YEAH!” Silence. “That’s… That’s not an answer.” “YEAH!” Money Bags smacked his own forehead. “Remind me why I hire you guys again?” “Because they’re cheap,” Twilight said. “And of course my story is true! Why would I lie?” “BECAUSE CAKES DON’T EXPLODE!” “YEAH!” “Your office says otherwise.” “YEAH!” “SHUT UP!” Money Bags roared. “There’s no way there could have been an underground explosion, Princess, and I outright refuse to even acknowledge the possibility of it being caused by baked goods and some leaf water! I’ve been in this casino all day! I’m completely sure I would have noticed if—” “Oh, you noticed,” Twilight said. “Kind of.” Silence. “I did?” “Yeah.” “Hmm?” Money Bags swallowed the cake he’d been chewing and looked around. That last thing didn’t sound like a firework. “Did anypony else notice that?” he asked. “For a second, it felt like the building was shaking a little.” “Hmm?” Twilight arched an eyebrow. “Uh… Applejacque?” “Oh, yeah. Ah felt it too,” Applejack said, nodding. “Ah don’t know what it was, but Ah do know what it wasn’t.” She took another bite of her cake. “An underground explosion. Pretty sure it wasn’t that. Voulez-vous.” Silence. Money Bags nodded. “That sounds reasonable! Let’s continue our inconspicuous talk.” “Oh, I love inconspicuousness.” “Oh.” Money Bags squinted. “Oooooooooooh. That was clever.” “See?” Twilight nodded to herself. “It all adds up.” “Absolutely.” Silence. Money Bags licked his lips. “So, your friends blew up my office with, ugh, cake. And…? What? They’re dead?” “What? No!” Twilight shook her head. “You see, it was all part of our plan, right? So even if this was the moment things started to get out of hoof, at least that was controlled. There’s a reason why we call Rainbow our Dashing Speedster.” It takes a special kind of mare to survive explosions like that one, and luckily for everypony, Rainbow Dash was very special. While she wasn’t the best pony you could get to solve a mystery or study for an exam, she was so used to danger that surviving was second nature for her. Now, credit where credit is due: if everything had gone according to plan, Dash and Rarity wouldn’t have been in danger at all. Twilight had calculated the amount of cake they needed to blow up the ceiling with a controlled explosion, but Rainbow Dash had gotten excited and the result had been far bigger than anypony had expected. And that is the part where Dash’s abilities came into play. While the explosion was dangerous, the really nasty stuff were the pieces of ceiling falling down. There’s no way to know if Dash knew that consciously, but one thing is clear: the moment she grabbed Rarity and flew right towards the explosion instead of trying to flee from it was the moment she saved their lives. After all, it only takes the fastest pegasus alive to dodge the deadly pieces of rock that are falling towards you and outrun an explosion at the same time. While carrying Rarity. It might seem an impossible feat, but for Dash, dodging that explosion was just a piece of cake. “That literally defies every law of physics ever.” “Oh, please. Dash can break the sound barrier without even thinking about it.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Somehow dodging a spherical, outward projecting wall of energy from an explosion is not that big a deal.” Dash got up almost immediately, feeling a little dizzy and with her left ear buzzing, but overall, pretty well. She shook her head to clear out the last remains of mist in her brain, and then looked around. And then she gulped. Later, Dash would describe the after-explosion office with the words “exactly how one would imagine a normal office after an explosion”. It was as if Pinkie Pie had lost any control whatsoever and had been given a handful of trinitrotoluene and an encouraging wink. Debris everywhere, the smell of strawberry cake in the air, burned out furniture here and there, and no sign of the floor or three quarters of the walls—they had disappeared. Her own saddlebags were gone too, which meant they were alone and had no resources whatsoever. “Well,” she muttered. “I guess that was, uh, stronger than we thought, eh, Rarity?” “Hnnng.” From behind Dash came Rarity’s voice, with all the energy of a dead panda. Silence. Rainbow blinked. Now that she thought about it, going from zero to a lot of miles per hour in less than a second wasn’t new for her, but Rarity wasn’t exactly used to that kind of thing. A cold drop of sweat rolled down her spine and she gulped. Oookay, she thought. Rarity was probably well, and not angry at her. Nope. She was definitely not going to suffer the consequences of blowing that office a little too much. Nuh-uh. Still, when she talked, she chose not to turn around. “Um,” she said, “Rarity? …Was that you? Because if it wasn’t you I, uh, I think there’s a zombie bear in the room.” “…Yes.” “Yes as in ‘yes it is me, Rarity’, or yes as in ‘yes, the sanctity of life has been profaned, run for your life’?” “I am here.” Silence. “Wait, that doesn’t really answer anything. What if you’re the bear, and—?” “I’m not going to dignify that with an answer because I value our friendship too much, Dash.” “Okay, sorry.” Silence. Rainbow Dash still refused to turn around. “…So,” Rarity finally said, her voice even more weak, “I’m going to be absolutely honest here: I don’t feel exactly okay right now.” “That’s, uh, understandable,” Dash said, nodding. “I mean, I guess the explosion and the speed and everything can mess you up a l—” “But,” Rarity interrupted, and it was amazing how much energy she could put in her words, seeing how she was making more or less the same noise a beetle makes during winter, “I’m absolutely sure it’s not that bad. Yes, I can hardly move, and everything is a little bit blurrier than usual, but I’m a hundred percent certain that my beautiful face has suffered absolutely zero damage.” A pause. “Get it?” “Um. Yes.” Rainbow Dash nodded. “No damage.” “Exactly,” Rarity said. “So, of course, the moment you look at me and see my extremely intact face, you’re not going to say anything about it, except maybe how the ashes, debris, and everything else have had no effect whatsoever.” “Uh-huh.” “Because otherwise I would get really angry.” “Yes.” “And you don’t want me to be angry.” “No.” “Good. Now turn around, and—” “DEAR CELESTIA YOU LOOK HORRIBLE!” “Oh, for goodness’ sake.” “YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR FACE IS MADE OUT OF CUSTARD!” “I honestly can’t understand how I trusted you to with this kind of thing.” “YOU COULDN’T LOOK UGLIER EVEN IF YOU TRIED! I’M ACTUALLY SURPRISED MY EYES AREN’T MELTING!” “I’m never pairing up with you in one of our adventures, ever again.” Money Bags frowned. “Wait. Waaaaait a minute. Isn’t Rarity the one we’ve been threatening you with? The white and sassy one?” “NOT EVEN A MILLION YEARS OF MAKEUP COULD FIX THAT HORRIBLENESS YOU DARE TO CALL YOUR FACE!” “I swear to Celestia, Dash, the moment I feel my legs again I’m going to kick you in the most elegant and painful way possible.” “That’d be her, yes,” Twilight said, nodding. “Huh.” Money Bags arched an eyebrow. “Funny. I don’t recall her face looking like custard.” “That’s because Dash is very bad at makeup mathematics,” Twilight said. “Rarity managed to fix herself quite nicely afterwards.” “Wait. You mean, like, while in the casino?” “Well, you have bathrooms, don’t you?” Twilight shrugged. “She just fixed her makeup.” Money Bags frowned. “Fixed her makeup? In the bathroom?” Twilight blinked. “Uh. Yes.” “You can do that?” Silence. “What exactly do you think girls do when they go to the bathroom and stand in there for hours, exactly?” “I don’t know. I always assumed you poop a lot?” Silence. Money Bags frowned. “What?” More silence. “What?! Why are you looking at me like that?!” “I honestly don’t understand what’s wrong with you.” “Come on, it’s the only logical explanation!” “How do you even manage to get more stupid by the second?” “I don’t—ugh.” Money Bags waved a hoof. “That’s not important! Your friends got trapped in the explosion, and then they survived. That’s what you were saying. Then what happened?” Twilight sighed. “Well, that was the point where the entire plan went awry. You see, Dash and Rarity were supposed to get in your office, steal the papers, and then get away after giving us a heads up.” “A heads up? How?” Twilight looked at him. “What?” “How were they supposed to give you a heads up?” Money Bags repeated. “Didn’t you just say they would leave immediately?” “Well, yes.” Twilight frowned. “But there’s a reason why Spike is the Dashing Mailbox, remember?” Silence. “Oh. Oooooooooooooh—I don’t get it.” “Sigh.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Every time we had to say something to each other, we used Spike. He’s staying at the house, and his dragon fire can send letters. That’s how I usually communicate with Princess Celestia when I’m in Ponyville.” “So you send him a letter, or…?” “We send Spike a letter, and then he sends it back to its addressee.” Money Bags nodded. “I get it. And how do you send him a message?” “Well, I can use my magic,” Twilight said, “but the rest use dragonfire, simple as that.” Silence. Money Bags squinted. “Waaaait a minute. Are you telling me your friends are—?” “They’re not dragons.” “Oh. Good.” Money Bags nodded again. “That’s good. I don’t like dragons.” Twilight shook her head. “We asked Spike to fill six bottles with dragonfire so we could use it whenever we needed. We can only send messages to him with it, though.” “He filled seven bottles with fire?” Money Bags frowned. “You ignore the little guy all the time, and when the time of the heist comes, you just use him to fill some bottles? Isn’t that kind of cruel?” “Okay, Spike,” Twilight said, patting the dragon in the shoulder, “we need you to burp enough flames to fill all those bottles in just one afternoon. Here you have sixteen bottles of soda and seven liters of ice cream. Are you up to the challenge?” Silence. Spike looked back at Twilight, tears in his eyes. “This is the greatest day of my life,” he muttered. “…Yeah, I’m pretty sure he didn’t really mind.” Twilight shrugged. “And of course, we realized Dash and Rarity never sent any message with dragonfire. I guess they were too busy yelling at each other’s faces.” A pause. “Or, um, yelling and angrily muttering at each other, I don’t know.” The only good thing about nobleponies is that they weren’t exactly athletic. Sure, they would have loved staying around Twilight a little bit longer, but there was a point in which their knees gave them an ultimatum: they could look for a more comfortable position or their legs could explode. Choose one. So most of them had looked for a chair somewhere nearby, resulting in Twilight and Applejack getting a little bit more space to breathe. Of course, that was the only good thing about nobleponies. There were a lot of bad things about them, though. Like how they liked to talk. Celestia they liked to talk. Money Bags had been rambling for what felt like hours. Twilight and Applejack had stopped listening long ago. “Wait, what?!” Money Bags said. “You weren’t listening?!” Twilight blinked. “You seriously didn’t realize?” The sound of Money Bags’ voice became nothing but background noise after a while, replacing the fireworks, which had stopped some time ago without anypony really noticing. Kind of a feat, seeing how the fireworks sounding like, well, fireworks inside of a building. But then again, Money Bags was an economist. Everypony knows economists’ speeches are so boring, they become deafening. They’re the vocal equivalent of a black hole—time seems to slow down, a minute lasts three hours, and joy and happiness disappear completely, leaving only absolute despair and mild annoyance. It took Twilight less than ten minutes of non-stop Money Bagging to lose her patience and shoot a glance at Applejack. “Dash is running late,” her eyes were clearly saying. She had a very expressive look. Also, she wiggled her eyebrows a little and tapped the table four times, which was the widely accepted gesture for “Dash is running late”. “I know,” Applejack replied via blinking twice. Also a widely accepted gesture. Twilight scratched the back of her neck and stared at Applejack for three seconds, her pupils getting bigger. That meant something like “We should do something, we can’t hold Money Bags for much longer.” Not as widely accepted as the other two, but Twilight and AJ had a very rich gesture-related vocabulary. Applejack rolled her eyes, shook her head a little, and clapped. That translated to “Hah! Ah’m pretty sure we can. Guy’s been talkin’ for ages. Ah think he wouldn’t notice if we ran away.” This one was pretty obscure, one must admit. Twilight frowned, made a circle in the air with a hoof, and swung her head to the sides. “Wait a minute,” it meant, “how can you talk like this with an accent?” Applejack stuck out her tongue and crossed her eyes. “Beg your pardon?” it meant. From this point of the conversation, it might be better to just explain the translation of what they were gesturing, instead of describing the whole affair. It will be, at least, far simpler. “You’re talking with an accent! How can you do that? You’re not even using your mouth here!” “You ain’t makin’ one bit of sense. What do we do about Dash?” “I don’t know. I’m having a bad feeling about this.” “A bad feeling? What do you mean?” “Well, Money Bags seems to be having a great time on his own…” Here Twilight made a little pause. “But I’m afraid for Pinkie and Fluttershy.” “Oh. Darn. You’re right. They’re probably havin’ a hard time in the kitchens, aren’t they? They were supposed to hold the line for just half an hour or so…” “The ponies in the kitchen need to be stressed for the plan to work! The longer they’re in there, the harder it will be for Shy and Pinkie to hold their control!” “They’re probably scared right now!” “The ponies in the kitchen must be at the edge of rebellion!” “You! Melt that chocolate faster! You, pour that sugar! You three, good job, keep buggering on!” “YES, MA’AM!” “Now bring those cakes to tables three, five, and seven!” “YES, MA’AM!” Pinkie looked at Fluttershy, smiling. “They’re obeying me!” Fluttershy beamed back. “I know!” “Even the guards!” “I know!” “This is awesome!” “I know!” Fluttershy said. “And this comically oversized bag of coins we brought with us has tripled its size for absolutely no reason!” “This is the greatest day of my life!” “We need to get them out of the kitchens this instant!” By this point, Twilight and Applejack were slamming their heads into the table, jumping on their seats, and juggling with their cutlery to send their messages. “I mean, you seriously thought we were paying you any attention whatsoever?” Money Bags looked at the Princess and her bodyguard, who had been doing something very similar to an extremely clumsy Chicken Dance—with some random juggling thrown in here and there—in absolute silence for a while now, and shrugged. “Eh, You’re probably just a little epileptic. So, as I was saying, coins are actually very useful…” “So yeah.” Money Bags shrugged. “That.” “Ah. Yes, I guess that would explain it.” “We need to do something!” Twilight was mimicking by that point. “We need to go to the kitchen!” Applejack nodded. Not literally, of course. In that extremely subtle and impossible-to-detect body language they were using, nodding implied some minor shoulder gymnastic and an obloid mane flip. “So what do we do?” “I don’t know!” “But you’re Brains!” “So? Pinkie is the one improvising, not me! Maybe we could send Dash a message? Ask her what’s wrong?” “That sounds reasonable,” AJ gestured. “Ah’ll go to the bathroom and see what’s up.” “Good.” Both Applejack and Twilight blinked and shook their heads, returning their attention towards Money Bags, who was apparently explaining how having two coins is better than having one, but still worse than having three. “…So,” he was saying, “you can take the third coin and change it for something useful! Like food, or a brick!” “Fascinating!” Applejack said. And then she took her plate and threw it at Twilight. “Hey!” Twilight looked at the stain of cake in her chest and frowned at Applejack. “What in the name of—?!” “Oh. Whoops.” Applejack pressed a hoof against her cheek. “Ah’m so clumsy. Ah guess Ah’ll have to go to the bathroom now. Pomme de terre.” “If you are the one going to the bathroom, you need to stain your own dress!” Twilight said, frowning. “Not mine!” “Ah. Really?” AJ blinked. “Huh. Sorry, Ah guess. Ah’ll get it better next time.” Money Bags and Twilight looked at her with a mix between a squint and a frown, but they couldn’t say a thing before Applejack got up and walked away. “Quirky, aren’t they?” Money Bags muttered, turning back to Twilight. “The Pfrench ponies.” “Oh, yes. Very.” Twilight nodded. “Veeery quirky, those Pfrench. Hah-hah. So, um, you were talking about coins? Or something?” “Indeed! But—ah, your dress did indeed get stained, Princess!” Money Bags said, shaking his head. “What kind of gentlecolt would continue with his speech when a lady is in need of help?” “Oh, don’t worry, it’s nothing—” “No, no, I have this covered.” Money Bags raised a hoof and looked around. “I’ll just call for a waiter and he’ll bring us a towel, or…” Silence. “…How funny,” Money Bags said, his pupils getting smaller all of a sudden, “my eyes must be playing tricks on me: it almost looks like that guard is not only abandoning his position, but working as a waiter from here…” Twilight’s eyes opened wide as she saw Money Bags getting up and walking away from the table with a small “Excuse me for a second, Princess.” And with those words, two things were proven: First, the speed a bunch of nobleponies adopt when they see a princess has been left alone is so high the eye can’t catch it. By all practical senses, they managed to teleport from one table to another, giving Twilight less than a nanosecond of alone time. Second, the speed at which a suddenly very scared alicorn can send two scrolls with magic is even faster than that one. Chances are Twilight created a giant black hole somewhere in the distant universe just by messing around with relativity that much. Dash shuddered. “Woah!” “Hm?” By her side, Rarity shot her a glance. “What’s the matter?” “Either something ominous just happened, or there was a chilly breeze just now,” Dash said. “Is there any ventilation in this corridor?” “No. We’re kind of underground.” “Ponyfeathers.” Dash had to admit it: Rarity was tougher than she looked. Sure, it had taken her a while, but eventually Rares shook her head, straightened her shoulders, and got up on her own. They had to get out of there, she had said. They had lost their saddlebags in the explosion, which meant that they couldn’t tell Twilight and the others about what had happened, so they had to move now. And that’s what they did, with Rarity even leading the way through the empty white corridors that made up the casino’s underground levels, her face full of determination, even though it still kind of looked like custard. Dash frowned. “Seriously, I have the feeling something bad happened.” Rarity nodded. “Uh-huh. You blew up Money Bags’ office and now we can’t continue with the plan.” “Yes, apart from that.” “You also blew up a pretty big section of the Canterlot sewers,” Rarity said. “I’m fairly sure that makes it even more illegal.” “Yes, well, apart from that too.” “Our bottle of dragonfire is lost and we have no map. Also my face is temporarily ruined.” “I mean something not caused by me!” “No, no.” Rarity shook her head and rested a hoof on Dash’s shoulder. “I’m pretty sure that, whatever it is, if something goes wrong, it is your fault.” “Hey!” Dash frowned. “You’re not perfect either, you know?! In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s all your fault!” “What?!” “Yeah!” Dash said. “I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it? Twilight sent you with me because you are the responsible one! You were supposed to make sure nothing went wrong! And now the sewers are gone. Gee, good job back there.” “That makes absolutely no sense!” “Of course it does!” Dash rolled her eyes. “I mean, come on! Twilight gave me explosives. Even I know that’s a bad idea, thank you very much. And you messed up! You messed up, Rarity!” “I—you—that makes no sense!” Rarity shook her head. “You were the one playing with the cakes!” “Anyway,” Dash said, looking forward once more, “I still have the feeling something off is going on. Like, up there. With Twilight and the rest.” “What, you have a Pinkie Sense now?” “Hey, I hang out with Pinks a lot,” Dash said, shrugging. “Maybe it rubbed off or something.” “Well, I certainly see nothing wrong in here.” Rarity looked around. “I mean, there are still no guards in here, right? That means the plan is going wonderfully, and—” Rarity was interrupted by a sudden floash! as a green flame appeared in front of them, and a scroll fell to the ground. Both mares closed their mouths and looked at it. It said: “HURRY”. Rarity and Rainbow Dash looked at each other. “Ponyfeathers,” Rarity muttered. And then they both started to run. BLAM! “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!” The entire kitchen seemed to freeze at the sound of Money Bags opening that door and screaming like a banker opening a door and screaming really hard. Behind him stood three guards, looking as embarrassed as a little kid doing his homework during playtime. The atmosphere changed from feverish yet euphoric work to mix between fear and sudden realization incredibly fast. “Okay,” Money Bags continued, walking into the kitchen, the three guards following him. “So, I’m sitting at the table with Princess Twilight herself, trying to enjoy what’s probably our one and only chance to lure royalty into visiting my casino afterwards, and what do I see?” Nopony answered. Orange Twirl hid behind Chocolate Pudding. Some of the guards that had been cooking tried very hard to look at someplace other than their boss and shuffled their hooves uncomfortably. “What do I see?” Money Bags repeated, baring his teeth. “I see that some of my guards are working as waiters, completely ignoring their duties, and leaving the security of the casino unattended!” More uncomfortable shuffling. “And then they try to explain to me that my waiters are like ducks! Or something! Honestly I got a little lost at that point.” “Uh, it’s a restaurant thing,” one of the cooks said. “It means they’re scared.” “Oh.” Money Bags blinked. “Scared?” “Yes. Like, everypony was asking them to take their order, and there were far too many nobleponies talking at the same time, and they panicked. Perfectly normal." “Ooooh. Yeah, I guess that expl—I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF MY YELLING, DON’T INTERRUPT ME TO EXPLAIN THINGS!” “Sorry.” “…Anyway,” Money Bags shook his head. “Ahem. And then, my favorite part!” He clapped and smiled. “Apparently, they’re not the only ones doing that! Because, you see, my waiters are all gone! It looks like asking for cake gives them flashbacks of war, or something like that!” “Well, we do have World War Cake veterans working here,” the same cook as before said. “But then again, the percentage of Cake veterans working in restaurants is always absurdly high, especially when one considers that war was, like, fifty years ago.” He frowned. “How come nopony ever questions this kind of thing?” Money Bags glared at the cook. “Oh.” The cook blinked. “Sorry. You can go on with your speech.” “Say, that war would have been far more nasty if more ponies knew about the whole ‘explodes with tea’ thing,” Twilight muttered, frowning. “Yet another happy coincidence.” “Cakes are horrible enough as weapons without the explosions,” Money Bags said, shaking his head. “Even I tremble when I remember my nana’s stories about the war.” “So many casualties.” “A horrible tragedy. And that’s coming from the guy who burns villages for giggles.” “Why do we even bake cakes anymore? They’ve brought nothing but disgrace to ponykind.” “Tell me about it.” Money Bags rolled his eyes. “You’ve been mercilessly talking about cakes for almost two hours by now.” “That’s completely unrelated to this conversation.” “Ah.” Money Bags blinked. “Now that you’ve paused the story for a second, I’ve been wanting to ask you something for a while now.” Twilight arched an eyebrow. “Shoot.” “You say chamomile tea and strawberry cake explode when they’re together,” he said, “but… isn’t that combination, like, Princess Celestia’s most favorite thing ever?” “Oh, yes.” Twilight nodded. “I wondered the same thing when we discovered that. Then we remembered the Princess is immortal.” Silence. “What.” “And, well, have you seen her tail and mane?” Twilight shook her head. “It’s always flowing and sparkling. That takes a lot of magic, and it has to come from somewhere.” “Are you seriously implying the Princesses’ hair is explosion-based?!” “Look, I only know that when Princess Luna came from the moon, her mane and tail were perfectly normal. Then she started to eat the same things as her sister, and next thing we know? Flowing magical mane.” Twilight squinted. “It all adds up.” Money Bags squinted. “Oh my goodness. But… That implies their stomachs are always…?” “They drink a lot of chamomile tea,” Twilight said. Silence. “…And the shockwave?” “Look, I’m only making assumptions here, but when Luna came back she was shorter.” Twilight arched an eyebrow. “She grew very fast. It almost looked like something was pulling from her neck and legs… Or maybe something was pushing them away from her insides. Just saying.” Silence. “That implies,” Money Bags said slowly, licking his lips, “that if something were to happen to the princesses, all the explosion-based energy they’ve been storing…” “They would explode?” Twilight blinked. “Oh my gosh that would mean they—” “—they would go supernova. Sun and stars.” Silence. Twilight nodded to herself. “Wow.” “Doesn’t that imply that the only thing that would survive the explosion would be the other princess? I mean, they’re explosion-proof.” “So if Princess Celestia ever stops being immortal, we only need Princess Luna to eat us all and store us in her stomach until the danger is gone.” “Sounds an awful lot like Nightmare Night, doesn’t it?” “Maybe Princess Celestia just wanted to warn us all this time.” “Okay, okay.” Money Bags raised a hoof. “I think we crossed a line here.” Twilight blinked. “After a while we got a little bit stupid, didn’t we?” “Pretty much.” “Ahem. Sorry.” Twilight chuckled. “So, where was I?” “I was very angry.” “I’M VERY ANGRY!” Money Bags roared. “Yeah, just like that.” Everypony winced at Money Bags’ roar. Well, everypony but that particular cook, who was just watching everything with a nonchalant expression. What a nice gentlecolt. That aside, one could have said the tension in the air could have been cut with a knife, but one of the guards was really trying to do that, and so far he hadn’t accomplished anything. There goes the metaphor. Still, it was kind of tense. “And guess what, people? They tell me you all realized the kitchens were going through a teeeeny little bit of stress. And that’s bad!” Money turned around to face Chocolate Pudding and Orange Twirl. “Because professional cooks can’t stand pressure, right? It’s not like I HIRED YOU FOR THIS EXACT REASON, OH NO!” “AND THEN YOU ALL DECIDED THAT, AFTER ALL, THE KITCHENS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE SECURITY OF THIS PLACE!” Money Bags roared, his voice like thunder thrown by an angry god. “SO LET’S GO AND ASK THE GUARDS TO HELP US! THAT SOUNDS AMAZING!” “Wait, are you yelling at us because of what the guards did?” The cook blinked. “We were stressed, so we couldn’t think clearly. You can barely blame us.” Money Bags sighed and turned to the cook. “Listen, I—” “Plus, if you’re so worried about the security of the casino, shouldn’t you, like, ask the guards to go back to their places first, and then yell at us?” Silence. “Seriously,” Money Bags said, squinting, “what in the name of Celestia is wrong with you, kid? I’m trying to create some kind of menacing atmosphere in here, and you’re making me lose my mojo.” “Ah. Sorry. I turn into a jerk when I’m stressed.” “Well, stop that.” “‘Kay, sir. Sorry, sir.” “Sure, whatever. Anyway AFTER ALL, IT’S NOT LIKE WE HAVE A FREAKING PRINCESS IN HERE, RIGHT?! SECURITY IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT, DEAR CELESTIA, LET’S BAKE SOME CAKES! AM I RIGHT?!” Absolute silence. “Pfft. Heheh.” Money Bags turned around immediately, his eyes the size of balloons, baring his teeth like a dog that just saw his favorite sausage surrounded by chewy children. His pupils were like peas in the middle of the ocean, his mane was straight up like a hedgehog on the day of its wedding, his nostrils were bigger than the nostrils of a pony with, like, really big nostrils. The one who had snickered was, of course, Pinkie Pie. Standing in the middle of the room and holding that comically large bag of gold, she was looking at Money Bags with a little smile on her face. Fluttershy was hiding behind her, trembling like a leaf in mid-October. Money Bags’ eyes twitched. Both. At the same time. It was kind of a weird thing to see, to be honest—made it look like he was trying to wink and messing it up really bad—but it carried the message across pretty nicely. The message being, of course, “I’m extremely angry.” “I might not be seeing things well due to the fact I’m extremely angry,” Money Bags muttered while looking at Chocolate Pudding, showing once more that economists had no idea how normal ponies express emotions, “so correct me if I’m wrong, but… Are those two, by any chance, customers? In my kitchen?” “Oh, yeah,” the jerk cook said. “Those two got in here and started shouting orders. Things like ‘get the guards here so the security of the casino gets greatly downplayed'.” He blinked. “Woah, and we listened? Boy, we’re stupid.” “Okay, no, seriously.” Money Bags looked at the cook. “Shut up.” “Heheh. This is silly!” Pinkie Pie said, looking at Fluttershy. “This is like that time we went to the circus! Only there’s far less blood. Right?” She elbowed Fluttershy. “Right?” Fluttershy’s eyes were almost completely white, and her knees were trembling so much one could actually hear them. Judging by the looks of it, she was trying to scream in fear, with… mixed results. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—" Money Bags looked like he was going to shoot lasers out of his eyes any moment now. “WHAT ON EQUESTRIA ARE THEY DOING HERE?!” Pinkie beamed. “I’m the Boss!” Silence. “The Boss.” “Yes!” “Of my kitchen.” “Yes!” “You’re the one who made the guards leave their positions.” “Yes!” “Toldya,” said the jerk cook. “I think it’s because of that top hat. It creates an air of authority. Well, that, and our aforementioned stupidity, of course.” “You do realize that’s a crime and that I’m going to get you—and your comically oversized bag—thrown into jail for it, right?” Money Bags’ voice was like the creaking of the ice one’s stepping on. “And you,” he said, turning around and facing the guards, who winced, “do realize that being fired after this is the least I can do to you once those two are out of here, don’t you?!” All the guards talked at the exact same time. “Y-YES, SIR!” “THEN STOP MESSING AROUND, TAKE CARE OF THOSE TWO, AND GO BACK TO WO—” “Ah!” Pinkie interrupted. “Wait a minute. You’re kicking us out?” “OF COURSE I AM KICKING YOU OUT!” “But why? We were helping!” Pinkie said, making a pout. “We did nothing wrong!” “YOU MADE MY EXTREMELY IDIOTIC GUARDS ABANDON THEIR JOBS! YOU PUT IN DANGER THE ENTIRE CASINO! CELESTIA KNOWS WHAT HAS HAPPENED WHILE YOU WERE HERE WREAKING HAVOC!” “Yes, but their cakes are amazing,” the cook said. “SHUT UP!” “Well, if you look at it like that, I guess we did something bad. Right, Summer Breath?” “—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—” “Oh, right, you were panicking. Anyway!” Pinkie turned around and faced Money Bags, who by this point was probably having some kind of ulcer or something. “There’s actually a perfectly rational and convincing explanation as to why we’re here, and why we took your guards and kitchen by storm!” Silence. Money Bags squinted. “…There is?” “Yep! And it’s extremely legal and definitely non-threate—SMOKE BOMBS!” Wha—? And then Pinkie threw a bunch of smoke bombs into the kitchen. Seriously, somepony should start seeing this coming by this point. “You know, when somepony screams ‘smoke bomb’ at your face, your first reaction is to be baffled, not to expect a smoke bomb.” “Sounds reasonable,” Twilight said, nodding. “But you didn’t come out of the kitchen running after them, right? What did you do? It’s the only thing I don’t know about the story.” “Well, I did the only logical thing,” Money Bags said. “GET THEM!” Money Bags screamed between coughs, pointing at the now open door. “GET THEM RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME!” It was surprisingly hard to move in the kitchen—that weird mare had used, what? Three smoke bombs? Money Bags wasn’t sure, but one thing was clear: at the moment, two mares had made sure the casino had as little protection as possible, and at least one of them had smoke bombs. Which meant she was probably heavily armed, too. Celestia knew what was in that comically oversized bag they were carrying. Explosives, probably. Or poison. Poisoned explosives. Deadly poisoned explosives. Deadly poisoned explosives of death. The guards were struggling to get out—after all, the kitchen was very crowded, and one could barely see a meter in front of one’s head. The kitchen was as foggy as a kitchen full of smoke. “Look, I’m an economist. I’m good at concrete thinking, not poetry, okay?” Many of the guards had managed to get away and chase those two mares, though. And the smoke was slowly fading away. Money bags was coughing so badly he felt like his throat was on fire, but he didn’t care. “You, the six idiots!” he yelled, pointing at a group of six guards that was already at the door. “Those two clearly have some kind of plan! Go to my office and make sure everything is in order there! If you see something fishy, lock the door, run, and look for help!” “YES, SIR!” “Nopony can enter this kitchen,” Money Bags continued, this time looking at Chocolate Pudding and Orange Swirl. “If anypony does, then that pony is suspicious, and you should get them! Even if they’re dressed as a guard!” He turned around. “You four! Go to the main door and make sure nopony escapes. The pegasus, go with them, and get the special guards here. They want to lower our security, so let’s pump it up. And be careful! This is a code red if I’ve ever seen one!” “YES, SIR!” “I’ll be at the restaurant, with the princess. She’s probably in danger, too, so the moment the special guards are here, you bring them to me! Understood?!” “YES, SIR!” “STOP SAYING THAT AND GET MOVING!” “YES, SI—oh wait. Hahah. Yeah.” “Oh, so that’s why those guys weren’t there at the start,” Twilight said, looking at the watermelonian guards. “I was wondering about it, to be honest.” “I don’t usually let them in the casino, because they scare the nobleponies,” Money Bags said. “But you know what they say about desperate times and desperate measures.” Silence. “‘Desperate’ in this case meaning ‘full of muscles’.” “Yes, yes, I got it.” For some wonderfully random reason, the closest bathroom Applejack could locate was both in front of the door that led to the private part of the casino and right next to the empty stage. Quite an interesting place, she thought, full of meaningful locations. She was absolutely sure that was some absolutely unimportant information that was definitely not going to pay off later. “My, Ah don’t even know why Ah bother noticin’ all this stuff. Hah, hah! Trivial. Now, onwards to the bathro—Wait, what is that?” She frowned and perked up her ears. There was some turmoil near her. “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” “—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—” Rramblamblamblamblamblamblam! “AAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Applejack blinked. “Huh. That sounded like…” she licked her lips. “Like a bunch of buffalos chasin’ an overcaffeinated puppy that’s draggin’ some kind of terrified ladybug around? Huh. What a weirdly specific sound.” And then, right in front of her, she saw Pinkie Pie running, with a huge grin on her face (“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”) dragging a terrified Fluttershy and a comically oversized bag that was probably filled with either bombs or poison (“—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—”) and being chased by a group of at least twenty guards, producing a sound with their hooves that made the ground tremble (rramblamblamblamblam!) and screaming their lungs out, either in rage or in terror, Applejack couldn’t really tell (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!). Silence. “Wow,” she said. “Ah was spot on there. Go me.” More silence. “Wait a min—WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA IS HAPPE—PINKIE PIE! FLUTTERSHY! GIIIIIIIRLS!” Completely surrounded by ever-smiling nobleponies, Twilight had been looking around like a meerkat on guard duty for a while now, desperately seeking some kind of signal from her friends. The nobleponies were saying something, of course—there were like fifteen conversations at the same time—but she had chose to smile and nod instead of listening. Far better for her sanity. She would have gladly gotten up to look for them in a more efficient way, but the nobleponies were really pushy. Plus, she thought, scowling, she had to give Applejack a chance. Her friend was perfectly capable of solving any possible problem that could maybe have hypothetically potentially happened perhaps by chance. Yeah. No reason to worry. Then her ears perked up and she blinked. What was that sound? “It’s like…” she muttered, interrupting the nobleponies, who looked at her, “it’s like… Buffalos?” She frowned. “Chasing an overcaffeinated puppy and a terrified ladybug? And that other thing sounds like a sentient apple running after them.” “That’s awfully specific, Princess!” a random noblepony said. “Yes, I know.” Twilight was still frowning. “But that’s how it sounds, ridiculous as it is—” “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” “—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—” Rramblamblamblamblamblamblam! “AAAAAAAAAAAAH!” “HOWDY HOWDY HOWDY AH’M PFRENCH!” Silence. “…Okay, that was eerily spot-on,” the same random noblepony said. “Girls!” Twilight got up and followed the bizarre parade with her eyes. They were running towards the gambling section, away from them. “Girls! Oh, Celestia, I gotta—” “Oh! Oh!” Another noblepony got up too. And then, like, a thousand more did the same. “We’re going too!” Twilight shook her head. “No, uh, I’m going to the bathroom, so—” “We’re going there too! With you!” “We’ll follow you anywhere!” “We have absolutely no individuality whatsoever!” “Yeah! We’re not really self-conscious either!” “I love going to the bathroom!” “Ugh.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Okay, I’m going to the, uh, Princess Bathroom. You can’t go with me.” “I love the Princess Bathroom!” “Me too!” “Princess Bathrooms are my favorite!” “We can wait for you by the door!” “Waiting by the door is amazing!” “I love doors!” “And I love waiting!” “Oh, for the love of—” Twilight frowned. “I need to go somewhere alone!” “I love being alone! We can be alone together!” “Loneliness is totally my thing.” “Everypony knows society is horrible anyway.” “Doors are pretty lonely too.” Twilight bared her teeth. “I need to be alone because it will be dangerous!” “Danger is so in!” “I’ve been in danger all my life!” “I just adore putting my life at risk. Don’t we all?” “Natural selection should have taken care of us long ago!” Twilight hit the table with her forehead. A bunch of nobleponies did the same. Okay, she thought, I can’t risk all these ponies getting hurt, no matter how tempting it looks. She just needed to trust Applejack. Yes, Applejack was trustworthy. She was the second most-responsible pony in the group, after all. In fact, look at her go! Twilight thought. All running, and screaming, and masterfully keeping her Pfrench façade. Yes. That is responsible. Go keep on being responsible, Applejack. “PINKIE PIE! FLUTTERSHY!” It was amazing how Applejack managed to make herself heard above every other sound. “GIIIIIIRLS!” Well, okay, she, uh, she totally blew Pinkie and Fluttershy’s cover right there, Twilight thought, but she must remain confident! She was sure Applejack had a plan. Yes, that would make sense! “AH HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PLAN WHATSOEVER! AH’M JUST RUNNIN’ AND SCREAMIN’! BONJOUR!” Silence. Twilight hit the table with her face even harder. “Hey,” said one of the few nobleponies who didn’t imitate her, “what is going on there? What is that ruckus?” “Well, I certainly don’t want to know,” a mare said. “Plus, I’m pretty sure it’s a Pfrench thing.” “The guards look like they’re serious.” “Definitely a Pfrench thing.” “In fact, they look exactly like a bunch of guards chasing two criminals.” “What a wonderful culture.” Twilight groaned and looked back at her friends. The Casino was so stupidly big that she could still see them. The building was indeed bigger than Sweet Apple Acres. Well, she thought, at least Applejack was catching up to them. That was a relief. Sure, half the casino suspected them and chances were the Royal Guards were coming, but they could still have hope— And of course, Spike chose that exact moment to send the scroll to Applejack. Which meant that a sudden burst of green flames appeared in front of the running pony—flash!—who got understandably startled and tripped. Tripped in such a way that the unrolled scroll landed riiiight on her face, covering her eyes completely. Which meant she couldn’t get her balance back. Which meant she fell down without stopping. Which meant she hit the ground while carrying enough inertia to lift a small bull and two Pinkie Pies. Applejack rolled across the room like a cart wheel in a bowling alley, missing the guards by a landslide, and only stopped when she hit a wall, startling more or less everypony surrounding her. Pinkie, Fluttershy, and the guards kept running, and moments later they were deep into the gambling section, making it impossible to follow them. Applejack, scroll still on her face, was laying on the ground, and judging from the look of it she was as dizzy like a drunk dandelion. Silence. Twilight covered her eyes with her hooves. “I should have gone with Rarity.” “I should have gone with Twilight!” Rarity screamed, still running along the seemingly endless corridors. “I seriously should have gone with Twilight!” “Well, you didn’t!” Dash replied. “So shut up and keep running! We’re almost there!” There’s a funny thing about underground pyramids: they make absolutely no sense and shouldn’t exist at all. That is a fact. There’s another funny thing about them, too: no matter how big you think they are, they are always bigger. Always. Seeing how Rarity and Dash were at the base when they started running, and they kept going up, logic said that each level would be smaller than the last. Judging by the results of their run, Dash and Rarity had come to the conclusion that either logic didn’t work that way or Money Bags knew absolutely nothing about pyramids, because the exit seemed to get further away instead of closer, no matter how much they ran. “Do you think Twilight is in trouble?!” Dash asked as they came up on the fifth set of stairs going up. “That message looked ominous!” “Seeing how we—and by ‘we’ I mean you—have messed up our part of the plan, I’m positive something bad is going on up there, yes,” Rarity replied, panting a little. “We, ah, we needed to get away from here as fast as possible, after all!” “Problems with the guards?” “Probably!” Rarity nodded. “The moment we get out of the bathroom, we go to the kitchens to make sure everything is okay!” “Sounds like a—wait.” Dash blinked. “Bathroom?” “Yes.” “But Twilight said we have to hurry!” “And we’ll hurry. Once I can spend ten minutes in the bathroom.” “Rarity!” They came across another set of stairs and went up again. “This is an emergency!” “My face is an emergency.” Dash blinked again. “What does your face have to do with anything?!” A pause. “Why do you think I want to go to the bathroom, exactly?” “I don’t know. You’re gonna poop a lot?” There was a small pause. Money Bags just smirked. Twilight arched an eyebrow. “Now, before you say a single word, know that Rainbow Dash knows literally nothing about mares. So yeah, if you think this justifies your argument, then I’m sorry, but no.” “What?” Money Bags frowned. “But she’s a girl herself!” “Indeed she is.” Silence. “Your point being?” “She has to know something about mares!” “You have never met Rainbow Dash in your whole life.” “IT’S A BIOLOGICAL NECESSITY!” “You seriously have never met Rainbow Dash in your whole life.” Many things crossed Fluttershy’s mind as she was being dragged by Pinkie Pie. Horror, for example. And terror. Panic. Some plain old fear, to give it a little bit of spice. Seething terror, too, which was very different from normal terror, or at least it was if you knew your way around this kind of stuff. She also noticed how pretty the floor was, now that she was at its level, but overall her thoughts could have been summarized in one simple line: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! “—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—” One thing had to be said about Fluttershy: she always spoke her mind. “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—Oh, hey, something shiny!” And then Pinkie did it again. Now, this one might be hard to explain… “Celestia knows Fluttershy found it difficult,” Twilight muttered. “The poor girl was scared out of her mind.” “No, really? I’m so glad you told me. That wasn’t clear at all.” …but it was, or at least that’s what Fluttershy thought, similar to what Pinkie had done before the card game: they were in one part of the casino, and then they were in a completely different one, and the space between those two points had… disappeared? For a second or two. There was no warning, there was no sound, there was no sudden flash of light, there was only Pinkie being, apparently, Pinkie again. “So… They teleported?” “I don’t think so,” Twilight said. “Neither of them is a unicorn, after all. They just… did that.” A pause. Money Bags frowned. “What?” “It’s just… How to explain this?” Twilight bit her lip. “Do you know how sometimes you’re washing your clothes and suddenly a sock is missing? Like, only one sock?” “Uh. I guess?” “And that makes no sense, because you clearly had the four socks with you when you started washing them, and you didn’t lose any.” “I mostly assume the cleaning lady messed up,” Money Bags said. “And then you try to look for the sock,” Twilight continued, “but it’s not on the floor, it’s not in the closet… it’s just gone. Bam. No sock.” “What a horrible cleaning lady.” “Well, Pinkie is like that,” Twilight finished with a nod. Silence. “She’s a cleaning lady?” “No. She’s a disappearing sock.” Twilight shrugged. “It doesn’t make any sense, and basic logic says that it shouldn’t be, but that doesn’t matter, because it happens anyway.” Money Bags blinked. “Uh… What happens, again?” “Pinkie. Pinkie happens.” Silence. “Okay, at some point in this conversation I got absolutely lost,” Money Bags said, running a hoof through his mane. “I think it’s my fault because I stopped paying attention due to the fact you’re boring as heck. So let’s recap: you were going to fire the cleaning lady, right?” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Oh, for Celestia’s… Pinkie is weird. There. Said it.” She glared at him. “Are you happy now?” “I’m just concerned about the quality of my cleaning personnel.” “I hate you so much.” “A-hah!” Pinkie let Fluttershy go, alongside their comically oversized bag of gold, and put them both on the ground. “I think we’ve lost them!” They were right in the middle of the gambling section now, completely surrounded by slot machines being frantically operated by nobleponies, poker tables filled with nobleponies holding cards with angry faces, and absolutely empty backgammon tables, because nopony knows how to play backgammon. It was funny how little attention they were paying them. A beaming earth pony dragging a pegasus and a giant bag had appeared out of absolutely nowhere after running across the casino for what had felt like hours, and yet the most exaggerated reaction they had gotten from the nobleponies had been a slightly frownier face and a subtle head-shaking. It looked like nopony cared about them. Had such a thing happened in Ponyville, chances were the entire town would be panicking by now. That wasn’t such a big deal, of course—Ponyville citizens had once panicked because of a bunny stampede, which was right above ‘mild chilly breeze’ and below ‘spicy food’ in the Least Threatening Ever Things List—but still, even a normal place would have got at least a reaction. Group psychology at its finest: if one pony panics, then everypony panics. If nopony panics, then they stand still, stiff as ever. The Flower Trio from Ponyville were amazing at panicking first—they had a competition going on; Daisy was winning at the moment, but Roseluck was the favorite—and even without them, normal ponies like Fluttershy or Cheerilee filled the part. But the nobleponies? They had no initiative whatsoever. Sure, if one of them panicked then the others would follow, but there was no trigger. They couldn’t be asked to do something by themselves. That’s what peasants did. Last time the nobility had felt like doing something, Princess Luna had tried to kill everypony, and they had learned their lesson. And, well, the only ones that mattered were Princess Twilight and Money Bags. The rest were just part of the scenery for the nobleponies. Background noises. Seeing how Twilight and Money Bags were just feeling worried and angry respectively… Well, let’s just say the nobleponies weren’t really passionate about the whole ‘the guards are looking for those two screaming mares’ business. It was probably a guard thing, they thought. Truly an interesting thing to notice. Even Fluttershy would have found such information useful if it wasn’t for the fact that she was busy being horribly scared. “—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—” “Wait, you’re still panicking?” Pinkie frowned and poked Fluttershy on the side. Fluttershy fell to her left with limbs stiff like a statue. She even made a clonk sound. “Really? How can you even do that?” “—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—” “Did you even stop to breathe, or is this the same freakout from the kitchen?” “—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Silence. Fluttershy shook her head, relaxed, and finally started breathing as heavily as a dog after chasing a stick that smells like a cat. Her cheeks were red. “U-ugh,” she said after a second or two, swallowing and looking at Pinkie, “I-I think I’m done.” “You sure?” Pinkie asked, head cocked to the left. “Yes, yes.” Fluttershy cleared her throat with a cough. “I, um, I think I just needed to vent.” She shivered as Pinkie helped her up. “That… That was really scary.” “Are you kidding me?” Pinkie grinned. “It’s been the funniest thing we have done in months! Money Bags was hilarious!” “He looked like he was going to shoot lasers out of his eyes any moment.” “And it would have been hilarious!” “It would have killed us.” “And it would have been hilarious!” Silence. “…I’m just glad it’s all over,” Fluttershy said. “Over? The guards are still looking for us!” Pinkie said, shaking her head. “This is just the beginning, Fluttershy!” “Wait. What.” “Yeah! They’re probably getting closer as we speak,” Pinkie continued, looking around. “I don’t see them, but maybe they’re just really good at hiding! And the minute they catch us will be the absolute end for us! We’ll be thrown into the dungeons forever!” “What.” “We should do something about it, yes!” Pinkie tapped her chin. “We stand out too much, don’t you think? With the bag and everything. We need to get rid of it!” “…Can you, uh, repeat the whole ‘dungeons’ part?” “Good idea!” Pinkie nodded. “I’ll run away and hide! You stay here and try to get rid of the bag! Be careful, they’ll probably recognize it and you’ll end up in trouble!” Fluttershy blinked. “Wait, wait, wait. I get the bag?! But I—” “If you’re going to be alone, you need to be dapper!” Pinkie raised a hoof, there was a plop! and suddenly she had another top hat on her hoof. It looked eerie and alive and elegant. “Here, put this on!” Pinkie said. “My, it looks so good on you!” “I—you—the bag?! I can’t carry the—” “Well, that’s all!” Pinkie interrupted. “Remember that if they get you you’re gonna experience the most terrifying thing in your life, so be careful!” She patted Fluttershy on the head. “Goodluckbye!” “Wait!” But it was too late. One moment Pinkie had been there, the next one she was not. Fluttershy stood there, blinking like a deer in front of a forest fire, for a couple seconds. Then she heard a voice saying something like “You go there! I’ll search in this area! They won’t escape as long as I’m on watch!” A pause. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—” Author's Note As time goes by, Twilight and Money Bags get more and more comfortable with each other, so I allowed myself to play a little bit more with the narration. Also, I absolutely admit losing control with the "Luna and Celestia eat cake and drink chamomile tea" conversation, and I apologize for it.
Seventh Chapter - The Party Gets Wild!View OnlineCrime and FunishmentSeventh Chapter - The Party Gets Wild!Stairs. What a wonderful invention, stairs. Truly one of the highest peaks of pony civilization. Earth ponies and unicorns alike cried tears of joy when it was finally made clear that those without wings would be able to conquer the unmeasurable heights of the heavens, too. The day Stair Maker invented the first set of stairs, fulfilling her destiny—and showing to the world once more that parents have a really eerie way of naming their children just right—was a day of unity, of friendship, of harmony. A day of stairs. Everypony could go up now. Yes, what a wonderful invention, stairs. Almost perfect. They just had a tiiiiny flaw. Very tiny. Almost nonexistent. A small trifle, really. “They are freakingly, stupidly, obscenely exhausting, dear Celestia so help me I think my lungs are going to EXPLODE!” “Ah?” Rainbow Dash turned around, her wings flapping lazily, and shot Rarity a look. “What did you say? I didn’t catch it.” Rarity would have answered in a more polite way if the circumstances had been different, really. Like, she would have repeated what she’d said, probably. Or maybe she’d just mutter a dignified “doesn’t matter”. Perhaps with a polite smile or a ladylike chuckle, if only because she enjoyed ladylike chuckles. They were very, well. Very ladylike. That was the whole point. But instead, she just glared at Rainbow Dash and, tongue out, muttered something that sounded like “Grrrghabbballlgaaaaaaaaaaah,” and then her eyes went white for a second or two. Eh. Close enough. She was pretty enough to make that ladylike, somehow. “Worst thing is: knowing Rarity’s face as well as I know it, I’m completely sure you’re right,” Money Bags said, resting his head in one hoof and awkwardly staring into space with a goofy grin. “Tongue out? That has to be the sexiest face ever.” Silence. Twilight wrinkled her muzzle. “Yuck.” “Wow, that has to be the ugliest, most disgusting face I’d ever seen!” Dash screamed, looking away and covering her eyes with her hooves. “Dear Celestia, it’s like gazing into the abyss! You already looked like custard before, but now?! That’s a face not even a mother would love, and I know for a fact your mother adores horrible things like stallions who think sticking your tongue out is somewhat sexy!” Rarity would have replied to this, but she was too busy looking like the ugly sister of a bunch of rotten tomatoes. “You do realize you’re insulting your friend big time just to tell me I’m not cool, right?” Twilight raised her snout to the sky and looked away from Money Bags, eyes closed in a dignified way, which more or less meant she closed her eyes really hard but tried to look nonchalant about it. “The end justifies the means sometimes. I know Rarity would forgive me if she knew.” “Sure she would.” Money Bags rolled his eyes and got up from his chair, stretching his wings. “Hnng. Boy, it feels like I’ve been sitting forever.” He looked at the watermelonian guys. “You’re not getting tired, are you?” “YEAH!” “Never change, you guys. At some point I need to talk about literature with you.” Cracking his neck, he started walking circles around Twilight, looking forward instead of fixing his eyes on the princess. “You know, Princess, I would really like to finish this without you changing minor details here and there so you can lay a hit on me every chance you get.” “I’m just telling it how it was,” Twilight said, still looking away and being all dignified. She could hear Money Bags’ voice circling around her, and her ears followed the sound. Literally. It’s very convenient to be able to move your ears in situations like that one. “The mere idea of me lying about this story is a great offense, Money Bags.” “So your friend just randomly dropped that line about Rarity’s parents?” Money Bags asked. Twilight had her eyes closed, so she couldn’t see his expression, but she was pretty sure he was rolling his eyes again, if only because he had been doing that for like three hours by then. “Just like that? No reason whatsoever?” “You clearly don’t know Rainbow Dash.” “Yes, that was already established,” Money Bags said. “Look, if you want to insult me, just insult me directly and continue with the story. It’ll be more efficient.” Silence. Twilight opened her eyes, and her ears went back to their normal, upwards position. Money Bags was behind her at that moment, so she twitched and turned around as best as she could and looked at him with a neutral expression. “You disgust me,” she said. Money Bags didn’t look back at her; he just continued walking. “Uh-huh.” “You’re the worst pony I know. And I know some very nasty ponies.” A pause. “Well, okay, maybe you’re not the worst, but that’s just because you haven’t tried to commit world-order genocide. Yet.” She squinted. “I’ve got my eyes on you.” “Uh-huh.” “And, overall, I believe you’re as despicable as can be. You’re not only a megalomaniac, you’re a stupid megalomaniac,” Twilight followed Money Bags with her eyes, her face perfectly neutral and her voice businesslike: cold and indifferent, “And before I met you I thought there was no real difference between the two, but dear Celestia there sure is, and it’s exactly as bad as it sounds.” Money Bags nodded. “Are you done?” “Also, at the same time, you’re pretty pathetic. And if I were a little less polite, I would say something nasty about your looks, but luckily for you, I’m classier than that.” Her neutral expression disappeared as fast as a pyrophobic on Bow Burnin’ Day, and she beamed at Money Bags. “There! Done! Phew.” She laughed. “That was relieving! I need to do that more often.” Money Bags stopped and looked at Twilight. “You need to insult your interlocutors more often?” “Of course not! What kind of pony do you think I am?!” Twilight looked at Money Bags from over her shoulder, and if she could have moved her legs, she would have pressed a hoof against her chest in disbelief and indignation. So, like, really hard, but acting natural. “I never insult anypony! My parents raised me better than that! I was talking about insulting you.” “Wow. That’s kind of a pretty big contradiction, right there.” Money Bags sighed, then went back to his chair, although he sat in a different way than before. “Anyway, now that you’ve told me everything you always wanted to say, can you please continue with the story?” He raised both his eyebrows this time. “Without random outbursts attacking my character, if possible?” “But of course.” One of the good things about having professional applebucking as one’s main job is that the set of abilities it provides have endless applications in real life. For example, it taught Applejack one of the greatest truths in the universe—if something troubles you, you can just kick it, pick up whatever’s left, and eat it. Incredibly useful when it came to paying taxes, dealing with apple thieves, or explaining where babies come from to your little sister. Of course, applebucking wasn’t only philosophical. It also gave Applejack quite the experience when it came to physical things. So, when she got suddenly surrounded by green flames when she was running, she didn’t panic. Why, being randomly surrounded by flames is pretty normal when one’s a farmer—not everypony knows apples are extremely flammable under the right circumstances. The scroll in front of her? Hardly a surprise! Those things happen constantly. Applejack remained relaxed and focused all the time. Falling to the floor and then rolling like a cart wheel in a bowling alley? Pfft. That was an applebucking thing too. There were some really tough apple trees out there. Hitting the wall, scroll still on her face, and ending up looking like an idiot? If you hadn’t been in that situation at least twice before, you weren’t a real applebucker. So, all in all? It wasn’t that big of a deal, really. Sure, she couldn’t really breathe, and her head was hurting like mad, but AJ knew they were in a fragile situation, and thus she had to remain calm and collected. “GOSH DARN IT TO HECK CELESTIA ON A BIKE MY HEAD HURTS SO MUCH!” she calmly screamed, acting like the rational adult she was. Of course, the scroll was still attached to her face, so her words came out muffled, but it was the thought that mattered so she didn’t really care about it. “PONYFEATHERS AND CRABAPPLES IN A BASKET, AH KNEW AH SHOULD HAVE NEVER COME HERE! AH HATE THIS WALL! AH HATE THIS CASINO! AH HATE EVERYTHIN’ RELATED TO THIS PLACE AND THE HORRIBLE PONIES IN IT!” she elegantly squalled, her voice a sound reminiscent of a seagull playing the bagpipe. Then she noticed she was surrounded by nobleponies, and they were shooting judgmental glares at her. She could tell by the way they wiggled their eyebrows in a menacing way. “Excuse me?” one mare asked, her eyebrows wiggling so hard they were almost vibrating. “Do you mind repeating that, darling?” Silence. “Ahem.” AJ straightened her back, stopped frowning, and covered her mouth with a hoof. “Ah mean, hon hon hon baguette Pony Eiffel Tower.” She smiled and batted her eyelashes, Rarity-style. “Sorry. Ah have problems with this magnifique language of yours.” The effect was immediate. The menacing wiggle tuned into a friendly wiggle—way different, although it still made everypony look like they had hairy caterpillars on their faces—and the nobleponies nodded and walked away, some of them muttering words like “Pfrench” and “such class”. But one noblemare didn’t walk away. Instead, she approached Applejack, shot her a warm smile and patted her on the hoof. “Oh, don’t worry, dear,” she said. “I know Equestrian can be rather difficult. Are you okay?” “Pomme de terre,” replied Applejack, shaking her head and looking around, still grasping the scroll with her other hoof. She had ended up at the other side of the casino, right next to the start of the gambling section—she could still see the restaurant from there. Twilight was slamming her head against the table for some reason, and some nobleponies were imitating her, in what Applejack was absolutely sure would be a great story to tell with some cider and a bonfire. No sign of Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, or the guards, though, which made her frown again. “Or, uh, whatever word you use to say ‘okay’ in Pfrench.” The mare blinked. “Uh… I believe that’d be ‘okay’, perhaps?” “Sure.” Applejack frowned. “What you said.” “Um, are you sure you’re Pfrench? You sound like one, but…” “Ah’m not one to care about language, sugarcube,” Applejack said, smiling at her. “Now, if you excuse me, Ah think Ah need to…” The mare muttered an “oh, of course”, and let Applejack take a better look at their surroundings. The gambling section was that huge part of the casino full of empty backgammon tables, roulettes, slot machines, and overall a thousand ways to lose all your money. It was flooded with nobleponies talking and playing and losing both their bits and their dignity, and that meant it was too big and crowded to see if Pinkie or Fluttershy was in there. Applejack groaned. Twilight was still bashing her head against the table at the restaurant, and she could see Money Bags wasn’t there yet. Maybe going back with her was the best thing to do at the moment? She took a peek at the scroll that had caused her to end up with a slammed nose. It read “MONEY BAGS KNOWS ABOUT THE GUARDS AND THE KITCHEN”, and then there was a sad Spike face drawn underneath. AJ frowned even more. Okay, if Money Bags knew about the guards, then the plan had gone completely down the drain. She couldn’t go back to the table to distract Money Bags, then—the more ponies out there trying to set things right, the better. Plus, listening to Money Bags was the most boring thing Applejack had done in her entire life. Rarity and Dash were still not sending any messages, so better to forget about them for now. That meant it was better to take care of Pinkie and Fluttershy, then. Which, to be honest, was what she had been doing already, but now she had rationalized the entire thing, so now it was a clever decision instead of a stupid and reckless one. “So, that’s a relief, Ah guess,” she muttered. The noblemare by her side looked at her with curiosity, but AJ ignored her. She had last seen Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy running towards the gambling section, yes, but that meant nothing. The shop was also in that direction, and if they had turned right at that point over there they might have ended up at the bar. So, more or less, they could be absolutely anywhere. Well. That was reassuring. “Uh, can Ah ask you a question, pouliche?” The noblemare cocked her head to the right. “Yes?” “Did you see, by any chance, two mares runnin’ from a bunch of guards a couple minutes ago?” Applejack asked. “Screamin’ their lungs out, makin’ a lot of noise… They weren’t exactly hard to miss.” “You mean the ones you were chasing?” “Yeah. It’s a Pfrench thing.” “I figured.” The noblemare nodded and pointed at their left. “They ran right into the gambling section, and the guards followed, although some of them went in other directions.” “Hm.” Applejack looked at the gambling section again. Yeah, now that she knew what to look for, she could see guards here and there. They were patrolling the outside of the gambling section, which probably meant they had no idea where the heck Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were. So, she just had to find them first, and then they’d sort something out together. Easy-peasy. Competing against, what? Twenty guards? Thirty? Yeah, absolutely hopeless. Applejack sighed. She definitely needed some help, but Twilight had to distract Money Bags, Rainbow Dash and Rarity were gone, and she couldn't use her dragonfire in front of this noblemare. Which meant she didn’t really have many options left… “Ma’am?” the noblemare poked her on the side. “Are you okay? You look kind of worried. Is that also a Pfrench thing?” Applejack blinked. A noblepony worrying for somepony else? That was new. She gave her companion a better look. The noblemare was younger than her—she still had a glimmer of hope and happiness in her eyes, which meant that she hadn’t really lived as a noble for very long—and wore a simple white dress that went along with her soft pink color. Her mane was short and spunky, and it reminded Applejack of Babs Seed. She definitely looked like a good pony, which was kind of weird among nobleponies, but not unheard of. The Oranges were good at heart if one could ignore all the snobbism. And Rarity had talked wonders about that Fancy Pants fellow. But was it wise to trust a pony she’d never met before just because she happened to be young and still not soiled by the nobleponies? Applejack couldn’t be sure. If there was some kind of clue, some kind of way to judge her character… “Say,” Applejack said, “what do you think ‘bout the apple fritters in here? Did you try them?” “Oh, of course I did!” the mare said, smiling. “I don’t really like apples, but the ones in this place are amazing! The best I’ve ever had!” Silence. Applejack squinted. “Goodbye.” And then she turned away and ran straight into the gambling section while screaming at the top of her lungs. Many things could be said about Twilight’s friends. They were reliable. They were cool-headed. They were intelligent. And above it all, they were extremely mature. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—” Therefore, it’s important to understand that, even though to the untrained eye it looked like Fluttershy was just freaking out big time and wasting precious time, chances were that she was probably following some kind of extremely complicated and intelligent plan that would have solved everything in no time. “—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—” True, the guards were right next to her. True, they were probably going to find her in about seven seconds, which meant she would be in deep trouble and the plan would surely fail—it wasn’t exactly hard to force Fluttershy to talk, after all—and everypony would be thrown into jail. True, she was still not moving. Like, at all. She’d been freaking out in that very same spot for seven minutes already, and she was still not moving. But, rather obviously, it was all part of the plan. “—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—” Aaaaaall part of the plan indeed. “—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—” She was going to do something any minute now, truly. “—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—” “Uh…” A hoof touched Fluttershy’s shoulder. “Miss Summer Breath? Is that you?” “—aaAAAAAH!” Yes, rather sadly, Fluttershy got interrupted in the middle of her probably incredibly intelligent plan, which she promptly forgot and would deny ever existed. She did something that’s going to be described as a jump for the lack of a better word—it was something like a mix between a jump and the seizures caused by suffering a heart attack and sneezing at the same time, but that’s hard to describe—and turned around, hollering like a banshee on a bad hair day. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” And of course, it’s not like she stopped shrieking once she saw what was in front of her. My, that would be unthinkable. Fluttershy’s mother had always said that, if one is doing something, one should do it right. Shy had never let something as minor as a pesky lack of actual danger to get in the way of a freakout. She took her panic attacks seriously, thank you very much. So she turned around and discovered that, yes, the one who had asked for her attention wasn’t a guard. But she went on with her hollering anyway. Because, for Fluttershy, “predictable” is not an insult—it’s exactly the opposite. “You know, I get the feeling you’re being unnecessarily mean to your friend here,” Money Bags said. Twilight faced him with a completely serious expression. Her mouth was a perfectly straight line. The horizon had nothing on that absolutely flat mouth. “And you find that funny?” she said, her tone akin to that of an eighty-year-old teacher. “Wha—of course not!” Money Bags raised a hoof against his chest. “That remark offends me greatly!” “You adore it when friends fight, don’t you?” “No! Yes. Maybe.” A pause. Then he smiled. “Oh, who am I kidding—I love that stuff! Reaffirms my beliefs that friends don’t exist and kindness is but a myth. Take that, Mom, I was right all along! Roll in your grave!” Silence. Twilight sighed. “Oh, for goodness sake—I was completely ostracized all my childhood and yet I am the normal one. I can’t deal with this.” “I also like when other ponies are miserable,” Money Bags added, nodding to himself. “Keeps the blood pumping.” He looked at Twilight with a faint smile. “What, you’re going to tell me that makes me a bad pony?” “No. Being a horrible, immoral, unashamed megalomaniac makes you a bad pony.” Twilight licked her lips. “Being a sociopath doesn’t really help, but it’s hardly the biggest issue at hand.” “Well, that's a relief.” He waved a hoof. “You were still insulting your friend, though. Kind of.” Twilight groaned and looked to the side. “I really like Fluttershy, and she’s an amazing friend, but…” She sighed. “She wasn’t exactly useful at any point, and I’m afraid we should have left her at home from the beginning.” “Hah!” Money Bags slammed the table, his grin even bigger than Pinkie Pie’s usual smile. “I knew it! So much for friendship, then!” He crossed his arms and nodded, looking like a kid who just got a lifetime supply of candy. “At least one of your friends is useless, hmm? Well, that’s good to know. That’s good to know…” A shame Money Bags was still nodding and looking absolutely full of himself, really. Had he not been busy looking exactly like one would imagine a banker looks during his free time, he might have noticed Twilight wasn’t looking at him with a frown, or with her ears down, or with a pout, or with any kind of face that would make sense in a situation where one admits defeat. In fact, she was kind of smiling. Or maybe it wasn’t much of a smile as it was a smirk. It was way more pronounced on the right side, after all. “Yes,” she muttered, feeling like she wasn’t being obvious enough—after all, Money Bags was an economist; he understood subtlety as much as a ladybug understood fire safety measures. She also nodded in this kind of ominously slow way that makes one’s eyes look sharper than usual. “You go and believe that. Believe Fluttershy is useless and of no importance whatsoever.” “Yeah!” Money Bags said. “I’ll do that! I’m absolutely sure it won’t come up later to bite my arse!” “Eeexactly. Now I’ll continue with the story.” “Of course! I love it when we share this kind of insignificant information that doesn’t matter at all.” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Fluttershy was still screaming, making sure that if any guard was near her, said guard could surely locate her in less than thirty seconds. Then she blinked and took a look at what had touched her. In front of Fluttershy, pale as a pony who just got screamed at by a banshee on a bad hair day, was a gray stallion she had seen before. A pony with a moustache who still managed to look and sound exactly like a… “…Schoolfilly stallion?” Fluttershy finally asked, her voice back to normal. Then she blinked. “Schoolfilly stallion!” Silence. “Uh-huh. Yes. I think everything will be easier for the both of us if I ignore that. Ahem!” He shook his head and pointed at the oversized bag of gold Fluttershy was holding. “Nice to meet you again, Miss Summer Breath! I see you’re still doing well! Nice chapeau, by the way,” he added, looking at the top hat Fluttershy was wearing. “Very dapper. I barely recognized you with it.” “Schoolfilly stallion!” Fluttershy repeated, because when one’s cute it’s kind of hard to get the whole ‘insulting others’ thing, “Y-you need to help me!” “Uh?” He blinked. “I need to hide!” Fluttershy gulped, bit her lip, and looked to the ground. Small tears appeared in the corner of her eyes. “The guards are looking for me, and—” “Wait. The guards?” The schoolfilly stallion frowned and took a step back. “Why?” “Uh…” Fluttershy scratched her cheek. “Um. Miscellaneous reasons?” Silence. “Truly the most innocent of reasons!” the schoolfilly stallion said, nodding and taking a step forward again. “I’ll do whatever I can do to help you, miss! Anything for a lady!” “I need to get rid of this, but I don’t know how!” Fluttershy said, pointing at the bag of gold. “It’s impossible to remain unnoticed while carrying that much money, but I have no idea what to do with it!” Silence. The schoolfilly stallion blinked slowly, veeeery slowly. Then he looked at the comically oversized bag of gold. Then at Fluttershy. Then he looked around. Then he smiled. “Miss Summer Breath,” he said, “we’re in a casino. Getting rid of money is exactly what this place is about.” “Princess Twilight! My apologies for being absent for such a long time. There was some, uh, problems with the guards and the kitchen.” To describe the scene Money Bags walked into when he came back to the restaurant to sit down at Twilight’s table would be almost impossible with simple words. It was a situation akin to a group of drunk giraffes trying to scratch their necks with a tree. It was like an ant colony trying to dance to the beat of a bad ragtime song. Like seven hundred thousand million billion oxygen particles trying their darn hardest to create as much entropy as possible. It was kind of chaotic, that’s what we’re trying to explain here. Nobleponies like to imitate whoever has the highest social status around them, and when that someone stops giving them commands they just continue with whatever they were doing. Picture thirty nobleponies simultaneously slamming their heads against the table, then looking around, then asking the rest to stop, and then, after seeing nopony is listening to them, slamming their heads once more. Rinse and repeat. Add one very baffled princess asking herself what in the holy name of Celestia is wrong with the world, and we finally get a complete view of what was happening in there. Now, credit where credit’s due: Money Bags didn’t even blink at the scene. Looking as comfortable as a bedridden filly on the first day of winter, he just walked towards the table Twilight was sitting at—following the beat of the headslamming, because, truth be told, it was kind of catchy; the nobleponies had a surprisingly good sense of rhythm—and then sat down and smiled at her. “Fortunately, everything has been solved,” he said. Twilight didn’t look at him. Her attention was still focused on the thirty nobleponies that were trying really hard to get brain damage. Her face was a mix between worry, bafflement, confusion, and exhaustion. In other words: she was frowning. Pony faces aren’t very expressive. “I… see,” she muttered. Money Bags followed her gaze. “Oh, let them be,” he said, looking at the nobleponies the same way one would look at rocks—with little interest and maybe a glimpse of wonder at just how resilient they were. “They’ll stop and talk to each other normally in no time, as long as we take the lead.” Twilight gulped and nodded. “I hope so,” she said, forcing herself to look away. “At this rate somepony’s going to get hurt.” “Nobleponies have thick skulls,” Money Bags said, waving a hoof. “Oh, I see dear Applejacque is still in the bathroom?” Twilight’s eyes opened wide, and her ears perked up. “Ah! Y-yes! She is, uh, she had to—” “Oh, don’t worry, don’t worry! ” Money Bags raised a hoof and shook his head, a warm smile on his face. “No need to explain! Between the cake and all the tea we had… I know how it is with you mares and bathrooms. She can have as much alone time as she wants in there.” Silence. Twilight blinked. “Uh… okay? We… Uh…” Silence. Money Bags kept smiling at her. Eventually, Twilight shrugged. “You know what? Yes. Whatever you were implying, that’s exactly what’s going on.” She let out a deep sigh, and then looked at Money Bags with intensity. As in, she was looking at him really hard, which is something anypony can do—it’s similar to the face one has when horribly constipated. Frown, slight squint, pressed lips, a small twitch of the left ear… It’s a very common expression. “So… problems with the guards, you said?” she asked. “Why, yes,” Money Bags said. His smile disappeared as he sighed, and his eyes got half-closed for a second, a hint of irritation in his voice. “I’m afraid we had a little highjacking in the kitchen, because my personnel are not the sharpest tools in the shed. Two mares appeared and convinced all my guards to leave their posts.” He arched an eyebrow and looked to the side. “Remember that guard who was working as a waiter for no reason? Yeah.” Twilight bit her lip, but tried to make her voice sound as neutral as possible. “Oh?” she said. “So what did you do?” “Oh, the only thing I could, of course.” Money bags shrugged. “Code red procedure. I sent the guards after those two mares. Almost all of them—I’m sure they’ll be caught in no time.” Around them, the headslamming had stopped, if only a little. Twilight focused on that, thoughts running wild across her mind. Okay, so Money Bags had got them, and the plan had gone down the drain—there was no way to know where anypony was at this point, and with Money Bags in front of her, Twilight couldn’t send any messages through Spike. Everything was going wrong, and the words “code red” certainly sounded pretty bad. But she couldn’t despair yet! She had to trust her friends and hope for the best! Sure, things were looking grim, but not everything was lost, not by a landslide. Fluttershy and Pinkie were probably dealing with their situation expertly, for example. Those two were incredibly good at hiding, weren’t they? If they wanted to remain unseen, they would blend with the background perfectly. “BOOOO—hic! BOOO HOOOOO HOOO! THIS ISN’T WOOO-OOOO-OOORKIIIIING! hic!” “Uh…” By Fluttershy’s side, the schoolfilly stallion was stroking his moustache with the biggest frown his schoolfilly face could create. They were sitting in front of a slot machine, and the bag of gold couldn’t contain the sheer amount of money they had. “Uh. Okay,” he said. “Maybe we should… just… Try again? Perhaps?” “BOOO HOOO HOOO!” “Okay, maybe if I do it, it will work?” The schoolfilly stallion licked his lips, grabbed one bit from the bag, inserted it into the slot machine, and pulled the lever. The machine made a buzzing sound, and the three slots started moving at an amazing speed for a couple seconds. Then, they stopped one by one. DING! A seven. DING! Another seven. DING! A third seven. A pause. DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING— “Oh, for Celestia’s sake,” the schoolfilly stallion said as a the slot machine puked a myriad of coins at them and a small crowd gathered around. “Another jackpot? Seriously, Miss, at this rate we’re going to ruin the whole place.” “BOOOO HOOOO HOOO—” Oh, yes. Absolute masters of disguise, Twilight thought, getting some of her confidence back. They would blend with any crowd. And what about Applejack? She was probably the most responsible of them all! Twilight was completely sure she would have a plan to find her friends and solve the whole situation while remaining perfectly disguised as a Pfrench bodyguard. Good ol’ Applejack, as reliable as ever. Sure, she was used to a lifestyle where every single problem could be solved with a strong kick and some witticism muttered in a Southern accent, but come on—she would make it. “PIIIIINKIE PIEEEEEEE! FLUUUUUTTERSHYYYYYY!” Applejack screamed, running through the countless slot machines and poker tables, nobleponies turning around and looking at her with bewildered faces. “WHEEEEREEE AAAARE YOOOOUUUUUU?!” A couple guards looked at her as she ran past them, and after looking at each other and frowning, they followed her. However, Applejack was too busy screaming like a madpony to realize that. Incidentally, she was also too busy screaming for her friends to notice the small crowd surrounding a crying pegasus and an obscenely large sum of money. Yes, indeed. She had no reason to worry that much—they would sort everything out, somehow. So, for now, the best thing—and, to be honest, the only thing—she could do was gather some more information. So she took a deep breath. “But,” she said, talking as slowly as possible to hide her nervousness, “you stayed in the kitchen after sending the guards to chase the two mares, right?” She licked her lips. “How come?” “Hmm?” Money Bags looked back at her. “Oh, well, I hadn’t finished yet, of course. The kitchen had to be searched thoroughly to make sure there were no more intruders, for example. And the cooks had to get their mojo back.” Twilight’s ears perked up, but only a little. “Makes sense,” she said, just before looking at the table and playing with her spoon. “And what about the rest of the guards?” “They split in two teams,” Money Bags said, running a hoof through his mane. “I had to make sure the rest of the casino is not in danger, because if two attackers got inside, there’s no reason why more of them couldn’t be here.” He paused. “Of course, this doesn’t mean you’re in danger right now, Princess! The restaurant is the safest place in Equestria right now.” He scratched his chin. “Or, well, it will be in short notice.” Silence. Twilight gulped. “So…” she said, and then she stopped. Her voice had trembled. She coughed, and then started again. “So, how did you do that? How did you make sure there were no more ponies in here?” “Well, I haven’t made sure yet,” Money Bags admitted. “But the guards are on their way. I sent three of my sturdiest guards to the offices—um, the private part of the casino, that is.” He smiled. “They’re tough, they’re smart, and they’re fast. If there’s anypony there, they will find them. And they will make sure they don’t escape.” He looked at his wrist, where he wore a shining black watch. “They’ve probably done so already.” In that very moment, the three sturdiest, smartest, and fastest guards of the entire casino were at the door that lead to the private part of the casino—a door we’re already familiar with. Right next to the stage and in front of the bathroom, it was the door Applejack had noticed not so long ago, and also the door Dash had been dragged to when she had first entered the casino. And, just by chance, because Equestria works mainly in incredible coincidences due to the absurdly high amount of magic, friendship, and pollution in the air, the moment those guards opened the door was the exact same moment Dash and Rarity, who was alive only in the legal sense of the word, turned the corner that led to the exact same corridor that door opened to. At the exact same time. Perfect coordination. The five ponies just stood there, looking at each other, slightly dumbfounded. Silence. “THE EXIT!” screamed Dash, pointing. “INTRUDERS!” screamed two of the guards, also pointing. “THE BATHROOM!” screamed Rarity. Three guesses at what she was doing. And then, silence. The third guard frowned and looked at the other two. “What, they’re not going to acknowledge us?” “Rarity! Hide behind me!” Dash yelled, taking a step forward, arching her back like a cat, and opening her wings wide. “I’ll take care of them! You don’t need to—” NYOOOOOM! BLAM! Dash blinked. “U—whah?” Right behind her stood a cloud of dust with Rarity’s shape. The bathroom door at the other side of the exit had been slammed shut. The three guards laid unconscious on the floor. Dash frowned. “Hey!” she said, walking towards the exit. “You’re not allowed to do that! I’m the one who kicks—woah, you went nasty on these guys.” “Yep. Nothing can knock down those guards, I’m absolutely sure,” Money Bags said, nodding to himself. “They’re, like, the elite of the elite.” “Oh.” Twilight looked down. So, elite guards in the private part of the casino. That was good to know. “And what about the other team?” Money Bags blinked. “Team?” “You said you split the guards that stayed in the kitchen into two teams,” Twilight said. “One team is at the private offices, looking for more attackers. What about the other one? What are they doing?” A pause. “And how many of them are in that team?” “Uh, I think they’re, like, four of them?” Money Bags frowned and crossed his forelegs. “Yeah, four. I’m pretty sure. I sent them to the front door, obviously.” “The front door?” Twilight cocked her head to the side. “Isn’t there a guard already?” “Yeah, and the terrorists—or whatever they are, but I’m positive they’re carrying poisonous bombs of death—managed to get in anyway, so you can see how useful that lone guard was.” Money Bags frowned and made a huff. “He’s going to get some serious scolding once this whole deal is over.” Twilight bit her lip. “Uh. How serious?” “I don’t know. Some yelling, I’ll probably fire him, maybe I’ll burn his house down and kidnap his family…” Money Bags shrugged. “I’ll cross that bridge when it comes.” Silence. “Okay!” Twilight clapped and straightened her back. “Okay! Add that to the list of things to worry about! A random guard’s life is going to be destroyed today!” “Yeah, yeah, I know.” Money Bags shook his head. “Those terrorists are terrible. It’s all their fault.” “Actually—” “All their fault, I say,” Money Bags repeated. “That’s why I’m sending those guards to the door. They’ll make sure nopony gets in or out until I say so.” He smiled. “And of course, that’s not all there is.” Twilight blinked. “It isn’t?” “Why, of course not. Those guards have a second, far more important mission, Princess. They’re there to get reinforcements.” “PIIIIINKIIIIEEEEE PIIIIEEEEE!” Applejack screamed, still running down the gambling part of the casino. Everything was red carpets, golden walls, blinking lights, shining coins, and bewildered faces around her. Her dress felt hot and uncomfortable, and it was getting really wet around her armpits, which was pretty annoying. “FLUUUUTTEEERSHYYYY!” Nothing. She’d been running for… what? Fifteen minutes? And there was no way to find her friends. Just finding Pinkie and Fluttershy in a sea of random faces would be hard in itself, but those two had colored their coats and were wearing clothes, and everypony around her had a hat or a monocle or something, and the air felt way too hot to be the normal temperature of a casino, and she was getting breathless, and she wasn’t even sure if she’d been running in circles or what, and there were a lot of guards around her for no reason whatsoever, and her hooves itched, and—AAAAAAARGH! “Okay, that’s it!” she yelled, and then she stopped running as suddenly as a marathon runner who just suffered a heart attack. “This is useless! There’s no way Ah’ll find them like this! Ah can’t deal with—wait a second.” She frowned and scratched her chin. Okay, she thought, there was somethin’ weird about that mental list she’d just made. What was it? “Uh…” She licked her lips. “‘Kay, so it’s hot—that’s normal. And my hooves are itchy, all good. And Pinkie and Shy are nowhere to be found, yes. And there are like seventeen guards surrounding me.” A pause. “Eeeyup, that’d be it.” Applejack sighed and looked at the seventeen guards that were surrounding her and had, apparently, came out of nowhere. Seventeen stallions with quite the tough look, flexing their muscles and all that. They were also wearing suits and sunglasses, which gave them a pretty dapper appearance. The guards looked back at her. AJ noticed the slot machines around them were completely empty—not a single noblepony in sight. “Huh,” Applejack muttered, licking her lips. “In hindsight, Ah guess runnin’ wild and screamin’ wasn’t the best of ways to look for ’em incognito, was it?” One of the guards shook his head. “Certainly not, ma’am.” AJ nodded. “Aaaand Ah just blew our entire cover, didn’t Ah?” “Pretty much, ma’am.” “Oh, well. Stuff happens.” Applejack scratched the back of her neck and gave a look around. “So… Seventeen of you, hm?” “Actually, we’re twenty-one. A couple of us are trying to creep behind you right now, although the slot machines are giving them trouble.” “Uh-huh. Awfully nice for you to say that, sugarcube.” She frowned. “And all of you are stallions?” “I’m afraid that’s right, ma’am. We’re trying to bring more diversity to the casino guarding business, but it’s a slow procedure.” “Well, it’s the thought that counts, Ah guess,” AJ said. “Although it sounds a little impractical.” “Couldn’t agree more, ma’am. I’ve always feared our lack of variety will turn against us one day.” “Absolutely possible, yeah,” Applejack replied. Silence. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” “GET HER!” Twilight frowned. “Reinforcements?” “Why, yes.” Money Bags nodded. “This place is not secure enough, so I figured bringing more guards would be the smartest move.” He waved a hoof. “The Royal Guard is coming, too, of course, but it’ll take them a while—it’s a long way from the castle, after all—and in the meantime…” “Hmm.” Twilight took a deep breath. So. More guards. They weren’t expecting that. “And… How many of them, if you don’t mind my asking?” “Oh, around twenty-one more,” Money Bags replied. “At least for now. But don’t worry, Princess, they’ll find the terrorists in no time, and you won’t even notice they were here in the first pla—” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” “CONTINUE YOUR ATTEMPTS TO GET HER!” Twilight, Money Bags, and every single noblepony in the restaurant paused their conversations to look at the avalanche of guards running after Applejack. Silence. “Wait, she didn’t yell in Pfrench this time,” one of the nobleponies said. “Do we need to get offended now, or…?” “P’faaaaaaah. Rarity, are you done yet?” Rainbow Dash asked. She was sitting on the floor, resting her back against the still closed bathroom door, and she had been doing nothing for the last fifteen minutes or so. “I’ve been doing nothing but wait for you for the last fifteen minutes or so!” she said, because Rainbow Dash loved stating the obvious. “Get out of there already!” No answer. “Oh, come on!” Dash crossed her forelegs. “We’re robbing a casino! This is supposed to be exci—” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! “MAINTAIN IN UNALTERED CONDITION YOUR ENDEAVORS RELATED TO GETTING HER!” A pause. “Okay,” Dash said, “that sounds exciting.” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—oh, hey, Dash!” “Heya, AJ!” Dash said, flapping her wings as hard as she could. She had crossed roughly a quarter of the entire casino in a couple seconds and was now flying alongside Applejack, yelling to make herself heard above the sound of so many ponies running. “What’s up?” “I WON’T EXTEND MY PETITIONS OF UPHOLDING YOUR EFFORTS ON GETTING HER BECAUSE IT’S GETTING OLD, BUT YOU KNOW THE DRILL!” “Guards tryin’ to catch me!” AJ replied, pointing with her head at the twenty-one guards behind them. “Also Ah think Ah accidentally blew our cover! Sorry!” “Woah. Really?” Dash looked at AJ and cocked her head to the side, demonstrating once more that she gave no flying feathers about safety measure while flying at high speeds. “What a coincidence! I accidentally blew up the office!” “Yeah, life’s funny like that now and then!” “IT’S BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION THAT WE’RE CHASING TWO MARES INSTEAD OF ONE NOW! IN RESPONSE, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND NOT ONLY PROCEEDING WITH OUR INITIAL PLAN OF CHASING THE ORIGINAL MARE, BUT ALSO EXPANDING IT SO THAT WE ALSO TRY TO GET THE SECOND ONE!” “So where have you been?” AJ asked, frowning. “The plan got all wobbly ‘cause you two were missin’!” “We had trouble in the sewers!” Dash said. “Also, turn here! Go to the right!” “Why?!” “It’s where the bathroom is!” Dash said. When she turned, Applejack followed, and so did the guards. “Anyway, I had trouble at the sewers, hence the whole ‘I blew stuff up’ thing! Rarity almost died and then she kung-fu'd some guards or something.” “Sounds like somethin’ Rarity would do!” AJ said. “Ah’ve been lookin’ for Pinkie and Fluttershy, but they’ve disappeared!” “Really?” Dash asked, arching an eyebrow. “It’s pretty easy to find Pinkie! Look for the one that’s singing!” “Not this time! She was hidin’, I reckon!” “Ah. Then you didn’t try hard enough!” Dash said. “Don’t you know the trick to make Pinkie appear?” “What are you talkin’ about?!” “Let me show you!” Dash cleared her throat with a cough, and then yelled while looking at the ceiling. “HEY, LOOK! SOMETHING SHINY!” “OH MY GOSH!” Pinkie Pie said. She was running right next to them, keeping up with Dash and AJ’s pace with no problem whatsoever. “WHERE?! I, LIKE, LOVE SHINY THINGS! Also, hello, girls! What’s up?” Silence. Applejack blinked. “Darn,” she muttered. “Like stealing candy from a baby, I tell you,” Dash said, smiling. “Wait,” Money Bags interrupted, frowning a little. “Weren’t they, like, running like crazy back there?” Twilight nodded. “Why, yes. They’d been running all this time. Wasn’t I clear enough about that?” “Uh, yes, you were, but… How did the pink one appear out of nowhere? Where did she come from? Are you telling me she ran fast enough to catch them just like that with nopony not—okay, I don’t even know why I’m asking this stuff at this point in the story.” He sighed. “Let me guess: she’s just Pinkie, isn’t she?” “Yeah, she’s very wacky. That’s the standard explanation for this kind of stuff.” Twilight shrugged. “In all fairness, you’re not the only one concerned about this scenario.” “You know what? Ah won’t even question what just happened,” AJ muttered, turning her head forward. They were getting really close to that inconspicuous bathroom door she’d noticed half an hour earlier, which meant there were no nobleponies around anymore. “Ah’m just goin’ to assume there’s some zany explanation that Ah wouldn’t get even if Ah tried.” “Well, Pinkie Pie is pretty wacky,” Rainbow Dash said. “I think that’s about all we’re going to find out.” “That’s the standard explanation!” Pinkie chirped, smiling. “Also, what are we doing?!” “Running from the guards!” Dash said, pointing at the avalanche behind them. “Applejack blew our cover and I partially blew up the casino!” “Sounds like a jam!” “APPARENTLY WE’RE NOW CHASING THREE MARES, TO WHICH I SUGGEST TRYING TO CATCH ALL OF THEM TO SIMPLIFY THIS WHOLE ORDEAL!” “So the entire plan is busted?” Pinkie asked, grinning like a sociopath with a brand new flamethrower. “It’s all down the drain? We’re going to prison? Hooray!” “Pretty sure that’s not the right reaction, sugarcube.” “Are you kidding me?!” Pinkie cackled. Literally. She let her inner evil witch out for a second or something. The sound she made was similar to a very excited crow drinking a milkshake way too dense to be healthy. It was like sugar crystal shattering to pieces on top of an apple pie. It was like a baby hitting a puppy with a baby cane. In other words: it sounded sweet and kind of uncanny. “I’ve been waiting for this all day!” Silence. “Yeah, pretty sure that’s still not the right reaction, sugarcube.” “If the plan fails, it means I’m in control!” Pinkie replied. The bathroom door was really close now. Only a couple seconds until they got there. “We gotta improvise, girls!” “Oh dear.” “Oh my gosh.” “Oh yeah!” Pinkie said, finally getting to the bathroom door. Without stopping her cackling and grinning and overall creepy behaviour, she pinkicked the door open. BLAM! went the door. “HELLO, RARITY!” BLAM! went the door again. “Hello, girls,” Rarity replied, still facing the mirror with the most intense stare she could muster, her horn shining like the armor of a very cliché knight. She didn’t even blink at the sound of three mares running into the bathroom at top speed and then slamming the door like a noblepony’s head in the middle of a baffling conversation. She just acknowledged the presence of her friends with a nod. Silence. Money Bags frowned. “So she was…” “Before you say anything disgusting,” Twilight interrupted, glaring at him, “she was—rather obviously, I might add—fixing her makeup. You’ll notice everypony stopped comparing her to a giant pile of custard after a while.” “What, just like that?” Money Bags crossed his forelegs and rested his back on the chair. “Don’t you need, like, tools to do that or something? Lipstick, or…?” “A normal mare would need that, yes,” Twilight said, nodding, “but you’re underestimating Rarity. She’s worked wonders with some hay and a drinking straw before—something as silly as not having makeup while fixing her looks is not an obstacle for her.” “Uh-huh.” Money Bags massaged the space between his eyes. “Have you noticed your friends have all unique abilities that manage to both be incredibly amazing and totally useless at the same time?” “Literally the first thing I picked up when I moved to Ponyville,” Twilight said. “Fluttershy is able to change into a bee costume in less than two seconds for no reason whatsoever too, for example. We’ve yet to find a situation where that has some kind of benefit.” “Wait a second!” Dash yelled, getting up and frowning at the door. “This thing was unlocked?!” “Yes,” Rarity said, still not looking at her friends. “You were just too dumb to go and try to open it, dear.” “I thought you had locked it!” “Hence my commentary about you being dumb, yes.” “Her story checks out,” AJ muttered. “Is there even a lock in here?!” Dash continued, still yelling at the door. “We need to lock this! The guards are going to bust in any second now!” “Nah, they won’t,” Pinkie said, shaking her head. “We got that covered.” “What are you talking about?! They’re going to—” “Dash.” AJ put a hoof on top of Rainbow’s shoulder and slowly dragged her away from the door. “Pinkie’s right. They’re not gonna get in.” Rainbow wrinkled her muzzle. “But why? Did you, like, secure the door somehow without me noticing, or…?” “What?” Pinkie snorted and waved a hoof. “Of course not! Far simpler, girl.” The twenty one guards stood right in front of the bathroom door, and every single one of them was squinting with this kind of annoyed face one makes when one can’t achieve their goal for some incredibly silly reason. More specifically, they were squinting at the sign that hung on that door. The sign that said “Ladies.” Silence. “Gosh darn it,” the only guard who talked muttered. “This was so freaking predictable.” “Don’t let anypony fool you: social rules are the most efficient trap there is,” Pinkie said, crossing her forelegs and nodding in a wise way. So, like, nodding really slowly and with her eyes closed, like some kind of kung-fu master that’s stating the obvious. “They won’t dare to go inside.” “Applejack, dear?” Rarity asked, still by that mirror. “Do you mind helping me a little bit?” “Uh. Sure.” “What color looks better on my lips? This one? Or this one?” “Uh.” AJ blinked. “Why are you askin’ me again?” Rarity rolled her eyes. “Just answer the question, dear.” Applejack frowned and scratched her chin. “Uuuuuh. The second one?” “Perfect. The first one it is, then.” Rarity licked her lips one more time and then started working on her mane, fixing the atrocities the explosion had caused. “So,” she muttered, “the guards are after you girls, and we kind of destroyed everything underground. Do we officially declare the plan completely busted yet, or…?” “I already have!” Pinkie said, sitting down on the floor right next to Rarity. Dash and Applejack did the same. “I’m in control now!” “Good gracious.” Rarity shook her head—not too much, of course; she was still trying to fix her mane—and bit her lip. “So what do we do?” “I have no idea,” Dash replied, resting her head on her hooves. “Where are Twilight and Fluttershy?” “Ah left Twi with Money Bags,” Applejack said. “At the restaurant.” “And Fluttershy is probably still at the gambling section!” Pinkie said. “With the gold and the dragonfire!” “Ah have my bottle with me,” Applejack said. “Do we write ’em a letter?” “And what can they possibly do?” Dash asked. “If Twilight is with Money Bags, she’s probably working on some way to solve all this stuff. Bringing her here would be the opposite of helpful!” “We can still call Fluttershy,” Rarity said. “Oh, yes. Let’s call Fluttershy so she can be easily obliterated by the army of guards in front of our door!” Dash said. “That sounds like an amazing idea!” “Yes, but she could help me fix my mane. I say it’s worth the risk.” “Rarity!” Applejack said, frowning. “We’re talkin’ ‘bout Fluttershy’s safety! Get your priorities straight!” “Hey, you are talking about Fluttershy’s safety,” Rarity said. “I’m talking about my mane. If anything, get your priorities straight.” “There’s no need to argue, girls!” Pinkie Pie said, raising her hooves in the air. “I know exactly what to do!” The entire room fell silent as Rarity, Dash, and Applejack paused and looked at Pinkie Pie with a mix between fear and far more fear. There had been something weird in Pinkie’s voice—it sounded exactly like that of a pony who had just discovered she had a thousand tons of dynamite buried under her house. “And…” Rarity squinted. “Is it, by any chance, a rational and simple plan?” “The exact opposite, actually! It’s needlessly complicated, obscenely intricate, and you don’t need to bother fixing your mane anymore!” Rarity blinked. “And that’s because…?” “Because the top hat potion is not the only one I brewed with Twilight!” “Hey,” said one of the guards, his ears perking up a little. “Did you heard that? Sounds like arguing.” “What?” “I think I heard some kind of muffled scream,” the guard repeated, walking to the door and pressing his ear against it. He frowned. “Yes. They’re doing something. Sounds like...” The other guards all looked at him. “Sounds like,” he continued, “like they’re… arguing? I can’t really understand what they’re saying.” He licked his lips. “Ah. Sounds like one of them surrendered, although she definitely has her doubts about the plan. She believes it’s a stupid plan, and overly complicated, but knows there’s nothing else they can do.” “That was some surprisingly exact information for somepony who can’t understand what they’re saying.” The guard shrugged. “Eh. They made a very expressive grunt.” He frowned again. “And now they’re… doing… something? I can’t really tell, but it sounds fashionable and absolutely irrelevant, so let’s just assume they’re doing absolutely nothing because it will have no consequences whatsoever later on.” “Sounds like a plan!” “We’re so good at guarding things.” “Ah!” The guard at the door opened his eyes wide. As opposed to opening his eyes narrow, obviously. “They’re done with that! Now it sounds like they’re… drinking something?” He blinked. “And… And now it sounds like… There’s like a lot of pop sounds in there? What the—” BLAM! went the door. The guards all jumped in surprise, and looked at the bathroom. Then they looked at what had opened the door. The bathroom was absolutely filled with arachnids. Hundreds, maybe thousands of little furry eight-legged atrocities. Countless small, gleaming eyes staring at them with mute, alien intelligence. Silence. Then all the things came out of the bathroom at the same time. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH—!” “OH CELESTIA! OH SWEET BABY CELESTIA THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!” “THERE ARE SPIDERS IN MY MOUTH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” “OH NO OH NO OH NO OH NONONONONONONONONONO—” “SPIDERS! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SPIDERS?!” “BOO HOO HO—to be specific, they’re tarantulae! You can tell by their fur and the way their little legs bend.” The schoolfilly stallion blinked. “Uh. Miss Summer Breath? Did you just say something?” “Ah?” Fluttershy looked at him. “Um, I think? I don’t know, I felt like saying that for some reason.” “Well, at least you’ve stopped crying—” Ding! went the slot machine. And then, it started puking coins again. Clataclataclataclata— “BOOO HOOO HOOOO!” “Oh for goodness’ sake.” “YOUR FRIENDS TURNED INTO SPIDERS?!” “Into tarantulae, if you want to be more accurate, yes,” Twilight replied. “Come on, you could totally see this one coming.” “EXCUSE ME IF I DIDN’T STOP TO CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY OF YOUR FRIENDS TURNING INTO FREAKING SPIDERS!” "They really prefer 'tarantulae'." “WHAT THE WHAT?!” “Look, they had to get out of there, somehow,” Twilight said, sighing. “And Pinkie had the tarantula potion, because of course she did. She’s Pinkie.” She shrugged. “So they all drank it, and each one turned into… what? Twenty different tarantulae? And got away from the bathroom.” Money Bags just stood there, glaring at her with wide-open eyes that twitched a little. Behind him, the watermelonian guards looked a little shocked too. “Uh…” Twilight licked her lips. “So yeah. That’s what happened.” “And… And then they…” Money Bags squinted. “Wait. Is this going where I think it’s going? Was this what happened before all hell broke loose?” “Actually, yes!” Twilight said, nodding. “You see…” Now, sometimes one considers a situation and thinks “Yeah, I can probably imagine how that’d feel.” A surprisingly high number of stallions think those exact words right before their first colonoscopy, for example, and they’re all surprised. Always. Because, chances are that if one thinks it’s easy to imagine how something feels like without actually experiencing it, one’s absolutely wrong. And that’s with more or less “normal” things, like licking mold or being trapped with Pinkie Pie for a whole weekend with nothing but salt to eat. Now let’s stop to try to imagine, for a couple seconds, what turning into about twenty tarantulae feels like. Yes. Exactly like that. Only it’s not like that at all, because the only way to know how such a thing feels is to actually experience it. Rarity would later describe it as “the second most horrible moment of her life”, Applejack would say “it was like turning into a ton of giant spiders all of a sudden—wait a second”, and Pinkie just said that “it tickled”. Dash refused to give an explanation. Now, after they stormed out of the bathroom all at once, the guards didn’t try to follow them—they were a little bit traumatized, all in all. At least three of them had foam coming out of their mouths, which couldn’t really be healthy at all. So, the tarantulae ran freely without anypony trying to catch them. However, that didn’t mean their job was easy, oh no. Pinkie’s plan had been pretty simple, all in all: defy all laws of nature, common sense, magic, and matter conservation to turn into a sea of little furry eight-legged monsters, confuse the guards, then go to the private section of the casino. However, it was kind of hard to control oneself while being, like, suddenly more than one organism at once. So the tarantulae got a little confused, because tarantulae are not that smart anyway. They tried to run to the private section of the casino, yes, but turns out the door to the currently empty stage was right next to it, and they ended up there instead. A stage that just turned out to be empty for some very fortunate reason. The curtains were closed, so nopony in the casino could see the tarantulae filling the stage, which was probably for the best. Not like the tarantulae had any idea what was happening, of course. But then again, it didn’t really matter—a couple minutes later, the potions’ effect wore off, and the tarantulae got together and turned back into ponies. But of course, one of them just happened to move one little lever right next to the curtains before turning into Applejack’s leg. A very special lever. In the restaurant, all the conversations died when a jingle of music came out of nowhere. The lights went dim, and with a flash! the stage lit up and the curtains opened, revealing a very confused Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash, who were—quite literally—in the spotlight. Everypony was looking at them. Everypony. Silence. Money Bags frowned a little. “Princess?” he asked, not turning to face Twilight. “Um.” Twilight gulped, also looking at the stage. Her friends looked like a herd of deer in front of a laser beam. “Yes?” “Isn’t that your bodyguard?” “…That’d be her, yes,” Twilight agreed. “And she’s on the stage.” “Yes.” “She was being chased by my guards, wasn’t she?” “Yyyyes.” “And now she’s on the stage right next to the two terrorists I had to deal with before.” “That appears to be the case.” Silence. Money Bags turned to face Twilight. “You are aware of the implications, right, Princess?” “Why, of course.” Twilight also turned to face him, a warm smile on her face. “And don’t worry, I have a perfectly logical and understandable explanation as to why she—and by extension, I—looks like a part of the group that’s attacking your casino!” Money Bags arched an eyebrow. “Really?” “Of course!” Twilight repeated. “And I’m sure you’ll find it perfectly satisf—zapyouintheface!” “Wait, wha—” ZAP! “AAAAAAAAAH!” “AAAAAAAAAH!” And Twilight ran away. Author's Note Weirdly Loquacious Guard should get his own spinoff. It would be so annoying.
Eighth Chapter - ...The Party Got Too WildView OnlineCrime and FunishmentEighth Chapter - ...The Party Got Too WildMoney Bags’ eyes opened wide, his ears perked up, and his teeth bared. The wording wasn’t merely aesthetic—it didn’t look like he was doing any of that; it looked like his eyes, ears, and teeth had developed sentience and moved on their own. The effect more or less was Money Bags looking like a really ugly mannequin made by a blind kid. Coincidentally, it also made him look absolutely livid. “I remember that!” he yelled, pointing at Twilight. “You zapped me right in the face! It hurt like hell!” “OH MY CELESTIA YOU ZAPPED ME RIGHT IN THE FACE! IT HURTS LIKE HELL!” Money Bags screamed, rolling on the floor with his hooves pressing against his eyes. “It felt like my face was melting!” Money Bags continued. “IT FEELS LIKE MY FACE IS MELTING!” Money Bags yelled next. “It was extremely uncomfortable!” “THIS IS EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE!” Silence. Money Bags smirked. “Dang, I’m awesome at narrating. You should learn from me, Princess.” Twilight rolled her eyes so hard one could only see white. “Sure,” she said. “I’d take notes, but I’m tied to a chair.” “Yeah. Because I’m so good.” “Sure you are.” “Anyway!” Money Bags shook his head and his smirk disappeared. “You zapped my face! And it hurt!” “Yes, pretty sure we’ve already established that fact, Money Bags.” “Don’t think for a single second I’ve forgiven you!” he continued, pointing at her horn again. “I’ll have my revenge! And it will probably have something to do with your face!” “Oh, no. I’m so terrified.” Twilight sighed. “Anyway, so yes, I zapped you. Zapped you like nopony had ever zapped you before, apparently. And then I ran away. It looked like the best course of action at the time, I’m fairly sure you can understand.” “Hm.” Money Bags crossed his forelegs. “I don’t really remember what happened afterwards,” he said, biting his lip. “Everything was blurry for a while, and then somepony helped me get up…” “Well, I’m good at stunning ponies,” Twilight said. “This is what happened next…” The fact that the nobleponies didn’t act like usual might have been brought to someone’s attention, but like everything in this world, it had an explanation. Under normal circumstances, after witnessing the scene that had just taken place at Twilight’s table, the nobleponies would all have tried to zap each other’s faces and then run away, because it’s a widely known fact that Nature wants them all dead. However, that was not the case, and it all was thanks to Pinkie Pie. Now, credit where credit is due: if one needs somepony to analyze a situation and wing a plan on the fly in less than three seconds, Pinkie Pie is the perfect choice. Mostly because she won’t bother trying to think about anything. She’ll just do whatever she finds more fun or more likely to cause property damage. Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie, and Dash were just returning to normal—getting used to having just one brain and a more normal number of legs once more—when the curtains opened and the spotlights blinded them all. But of course, that didn’t startle Pinkie. Nothing in Equestria can startle Pinkie Pie. If she looks startled, she’s just acting for the sake of a funny reaction. That’s a mare whose first reaction after discovering that the entire world was ending was to have a chocolate bath and be part of the stupidity. The rest of the group was still blinking in a dumb way, trying to understand what had happened, when Pinkie walked towards the microphone in the center of the stage and tapped it to see if it was working. It was. She looked at the audience and grinned. “Hel-lo everypony!” she said with her Serious Voice. It was exactly like her normal voice, but a little more serious. Just a little bit, though. Like a cake with a slightly frowny face painted on it—still able to make a little kid smile. “I’m glad to have you all here tonight. We’re the…!” She turned around. Plop! Plop! Plop! “Put them on!” she whispered before turning to the microphone again. “Ahem! We’re the Top Hatters! Princess Twilight herself brought us here! We’re not suspicious, and neither is she!” Silence. Pinkie looked at her friends. “I think they’re buying it!” And the thing is—they were. The words “Princess Twilight brought us” had been a stroke of genius on Pinkie’s part; every single noblepony was looking at them, paying them all the attention they had. Nopony bothered to look at Money Bags, who was still screaming on the floor. Not out of malice, of course—it’s just that nobleponies aren’t able to focus on more than one thing at once. “My, the Top Hatters! Of course!” “They’re not suspicious at all, no siree!” “I’ve always loved their music. The Princess and I have so much in common!” “Isn’t that the Pfrench bodyguard?” “I knew she looked familiar!” “I FEEL NOTHING BUT SHEER HATRED AND PAIN!” “I’m so looking forward to whatever the hay they usually do.” “Oh, yeah!” Pinkie said, looking at her friends with a huge grin. “They like us!” Silence. “Okay,” Dash said, still blinking at the lights. “So. What the heck is happening and where the heck are we.” “We’re the Top Hatters!” Pinkie repeated. “Twilight escaped from Money Bags, and we need to entertain the nobleponies while she does something!” Silence. “Okay,” Dash said, still blinking at the lights. “So. What the heck is happening and where the heck are we.” “WE’RE MUSICIANS NOW!” Pinkie yelled, punching the air. “Now go and act the part! Come on, come on, come on! I’ll be the singer, you grab any instrument and start playing! And put those top hats on!” “But—” “There’s no time for buts, Dash!” Pinkie interrupted, shoving the top hat on her head. “The nobleponies are getting impatient and confused!” “I’m impatient and confused!” a noblepony screamed. “AND I’M SUFFERING HORRIBLE ANGUISH!” “See?” Pinkie pointed at the nobleponies. “See?!” “Uh—wait!” Rarity shook her head. “Girls, we better listen to her, she sounds like she knows what she’s doing.” “Gee, thanks, Rarity!” Pinkie grabbed the mic once more. “One second, everypony!” she said. “This is just our traditional internal struggle before any performance! Totally Canterlot stuff! Avant-garden and whatever!” “Um.” Rarity walked to the microphone. “She means avant-garde, of course. Right out of, uh, Pfrench. That’s how Pfrench ponies do concerts. Oh lá lá.” “I’m slightly less impatient and confused!” the same noblepony screamed. “I’M STILL IN HORRIBLE PAIN!” “There.” Rarity moved away from the microphone and looked at her friends. “That should do it. Pinkie, I think I’m in. However...” “Yes!” Pinkie picked the second top hat from the floor and threw it to Applejack. “There we go!” “However,” Rarity repeated, “I don’t think you should sing.” Pinkie blinked. “What? But the plan was mine! I wanna sing!” “Yes, but do you remember the Grand Galloping Gala?” Rarity looked at the nobleponies and bit her lip. “Trust me: I know how their minds work, and they won’t like anything remotely cheery!” Pinkie tapped her chin twice. “Hmm… I can try a sad polka then!” “Does that even exist? Ah don’t think that’s something that exists,” Applejack muttered, putting her top hat on. “Pinkie, you should do what Rarity says. She knows better when it comes to fancy things.” “But you don’t get it, Applejack!” Pinkie said, making a pout. “I want to sing! I love to sing in front of big audiences! This has been my dream for so long I can’t even rememb—woah hey are those drums? DIBS ON THE DRUMS!” Nyyyom! “HEY LOOK! THEY EVEN HAVE DRUMSTICKS!” Pinkie yelled from the drums, holding the two sticks in one hoof. Because Pinkie had adhesive hooves now, apparently. “THIS IS SO COOL!” Silence. “Well, that’s one more problem solved by mindlessly hitting something with a stick,” Rarity muttered. “Ah can’t believe how versatile those old timey solutions are,” Applejack agreed. “Ah also solved Apple Bloom’s infatuation with lesser fruits that way. Goes to show the wisdom of the elders, huh.” Dash blinked. “Lesser fruits?” “Ain’t no sister of mine is gonna enjoy them pears,” Applejack said, almost spitting. “Yes, yes, folksy wisdom is amazing,” Rarity said, peeking at the audience. “Now hush! We can’t chitchat for long!” She looked around, at the many instruments surrounding them. “Ah! A piano! I can improvise a little bit with the piano! You girls go and follow my lead!” “Sure thing! Ah’ll take this banjo.” AJ said, picking up the classiest banjo any of them had ever seen. Gold inlays, high-quality wood… It still smelled like old cows and manure, of course, because that’s a given with banjos, but it still managed to look fancy. “Dash, you sing whatever comes to mind! Come on, we gotta hurry!” “Wait. Wha—no! ” Dash yelled, eyes opening wide. “What on Equestria are you saying?! I’m horrible at making up lyrics on the fly, and you know it!” “We need a singer, and if Ah’m gonna have to improv, Ah can’t multitask! Ah mean, come on! Singin’ and playin’ the banjo at the same time? What do you think Ah am, a girl?” “PRETTY LITERALLY, YES!” “Well yeah, fair point, but you still gotta sing!” AJ waved a hoof at her. “Come on!” “But…!” Dash looked around, biting her lip. “Look, there’s an electric guitar right here! Can’t I just play that and—” “Dash!” Rarity said from the piano, frowning, “shut up and sing!” “But I can’t just sing like that! That’s a Pinkie thing!” “Then channel your inner Pinkie or something!” Rarity replied. Then she looked at the others. “Ahem. Are you ready, girls?” “Totally!” “Yeah!” “DEFINITELY NOT!” “THERE’S NOTHING IN THIS LIFE BUT PAIN AND ALL OF IT IS IN MY FACE!” “I don’t know who that one was, but I’ll take it as a yes!” Rarity said. “One, two, three, four!” And then the music started. Twilight was vaguely aware of this scene while she was running away from Money Bags and the nobleponies, just enough to realize Pinkie had everything under control. Sort of. So, there was no real reason for her to get away from there—Pinkie was making up an excuse for them being there already—but after zapping somepony in the face, fleeing was kind of the go-to reaction. Money Bags might be stupid in some ways, but he was still dangerously sharp when it mattered, and she knew for a fact that it was better to run away. Plus, she rationalized as she kept running and running, Dash and the others clearly didn’t want to be on the stage, judging by their reactions. True, Pinkie looked more comfortable than a fish in the biggest ocean in the world, but Pinkie deviated so far from normal standards that Twilight was starting to suspect she wasn’t even a pony. So, if they were on the stage against their will, they had messed something up. Common sense. Also, wait a second—Dash and Rarity weren’t supposed to even get close to that part of the casino. What on Equestria had happened, exactly? And where was Fluttershy? “Oh, dear,” Twilight muttered to herself, shaking her head like an old teacher who just discovered nopony in the class had done the homework. “This is going to be a doozy to fix, isn’t it?” She’d been running along the stage without even noticing—which meant that she was getting to the exact opposite side of where she started. A side that just happened to have a door to actually enter the stage, which stood next to the bathroom door and the door to the private part of the casino. And twenty-one angry and very confused guards, some of them still screaming about spiders, bitterly wondering where had the spiders gone. Silence. Twilight stood there, staring. Some of the guards stared back, and the bitter mutters stopped. More silence. “Oh, hey,” one of the guards said, “I don’t know why, but I feel like getting married now!” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” “Woah, she’s running away?” “That probably means she’s dangerous! GET HER!” “But she’s a princess!” “Doesn’t that mean she’s even more dangerous?” “Flawless logic! Will you marry me, by the way?” “Oh, darling, I thought you’d never ask!” “I SAID GET HER!” By the time the guards finally got back on their feet, however, Twilight was already back at the restaurant, with the nobleponies. It’s amazing how fast one runs when scared out of her mind. But, scared as she was, even she had to stop for a second to do a double take at what the ever-loving ponyfeathers her friends were doing. Weird as it might be, Pinkie Pie wasn’t at fault at all here. Turns out she was actually rather competent at the drums, and she was keeping it simple—an easy one-two-three rhythm. No, Pinkie was not the bad guy here. The ones turning the entire thing into the trainwreck of the century were Rarity and Applejack. Now, Rarity hadn’t lied or anything. Far from it, in fact. She did know how to play the piano. And she also managed to improvise and sound nice. The only problem was that she managed it via playing in the jazziest way possible… Which means it wasn’t good jazz at all; it was the kind of nippy music that goes chas chas and makes ponies crave having fingers so they can snap and be like “No, you don’t get it, you’re supposed to listen to the notes they aren’t playing, it’s an acquired taste, uh-hm, this is real music” and so on. Which would have been nice, or at least not awful, if it wasn’t for the fact that apparently Applejack had no freaking idea what jazz was, because the mare had thought something like “Well, Ah never! This ain’t no music, this sounds like a bag o’ rattlesnakes thrown into a fireplace! Ah’ll show ’em what real music is!” And there she was! Rocking that banjo like there was no tomorrow! To say that she was playing country would be an understatement; she was playing the kind of music that makes one go “Darn tootin’”, slap their knee, and then spit on the ground. It was the kind of music that can only be sung with a stalk of hay in the mouth, the kind of sound in which every single note sounds like thwang, no matter what the musician is doing. So on the one hand there was jazz level “It’s not old, it’s vintage” and on the other hand there was country level “Look, Ah’m just sayin’ inbreedin’ ain’t THAT bad”, with some mneh-inducing drums thrown into the mix, too. The result was the auditory equivalent of a seeing a baby slowly starve to death. And then, of course, there was Dash’s singing. “Uh, ah, um, soooo uh thiiiis iiiiiiis, ah, a-a soooong that I’m siiinging and I seeeeriously think Pinkie Pie should be doing this insteeeaaaaaad!” A pause. “And oh-oh-my-gooooosh girls this is seriously not wo-o-o-o-orking.” A pause. “Like, at aaaaaaaall. I seriously meeaaaan it. We look like iiiiiiidiiooots.” “AT LEAST TRY TO RHYME, YOU FEATHERBRAIN!” Dash turned around and looked at Applejack, who was looking at her with an expression one usually only sees in rattlesnakes thrown into fireplaces. There was a little bit of foam on the sides of her mouth. On the other hand, Pinkie was happily drumming and having a great time on her own, and Rarity didn’t seem to care about anything but the notes she herself was playing. So there was seething rage, wishful ignorance, and uptight apathy. A very good representation of how hillbillies, partygoers, and hipsters feel about music, all in all. “AJ, this is kind of hard, okay?!” Rainbow hissed, still holding the microphone right next to her mouth. “I’m serious; I’m really not comfortable doing this! Besides, weren’t we, like, supposed to hide? Because we’re not exactly keeping a low profile here, if you want me to be honest—” “BUT DON’T STOP SINGING!” “THIS IS KIND OF HAAAAAAAAARD AND I’M REAAALLY NOT COMFORTAAAAABLE DOING THIIIIII—! “THEN TRY HARDER!” “I CAN’T RHYME FOR MY LIFE, I TOLD YOU I WASN’T THE ONE MEANT FOR THIS JOB! I mean, for this jooooob. Woooo.” “THEN TRY SOMETHING ELSE!” Silence. Dash licked her lips. “Um. Okay, I got this. Ahem: yoodel-eeh-del-eeh-hee-hoo, del-eeh-hee-hoo, del-eeh-hee—” “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDIN’ ME!” Dash frowned. “I’M OUT OF IDEAS, OKAY?! Hee-hoo.” “BUT DON’T KEEP YODELLIN’, YOU DUMB SACK OF—” “WELL MAYBE IF YOUR BANJO DIDN’T SOUND LIKE A DYING DOG, MY YODELLING WOULD FIT OUR SONG BETTER!” “EXCUSE YOU, MY BANJO IS AMAZIN’!” “YEAH, AMAZINGLY BAD!” Silence. “You still need to work on those comebacks, Dash.” Dash rolled. “Shut up. Also, YOUR BANJO IS HORRIBLE!” AJ gasped and took a step back. “OKAY!” she said. “THAT’S IT! DARN TOOTIN’, I’MMA SHOW YOU WHAT REAL MUSIC IS! BANJO SOLO!” It was Dash’s turn to open her eyes wide this time. “OH, CELESTIA, NO! THIS IS ALREADY HORRIBLE ENOUGH AS IT IS. APPLEJ—” THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG. “SWEET BABY LUNA HOW ON EQUESTRIA DID YOU MANAGE TO MAKE THE MUSIC EVEN WORSE?! YOU’RE LITERALLY THE STUPIDEST PONY I’VE EVER—” This was the moment Twilight came in, running from the guards. “SORRY, AH CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY SOLO!” THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG. “NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE AH SAVE THIS SONG!” THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG. “AH’M SO GOOD!” “OH, NO, YOU’RE NOT COVERING MY VOICE WITH THAT! YODEL-EH-HEE-HOO, YODEL-EH-HEEE-HOOOOOOOOOO!” Twilight just stood there, looking at her friends. Applejack was strumming that banjo like there was no tomorrow, Dash was yodelling with the fury of a thousand suns, and Pinkie and Rarity were just ignoring them and doing their own thing. Every single noblepony had the exact same expression as Twilight. And then, it happened. “Wait! Is that… Is that Princess Twilight?” a young noblemare asked. Incidentally, this was the same noblemare who had talked with Applejack a little while back, but there was no way Twilight would know this. “She’s back!” Absolute silence. THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG. Well, almost absolute. Every single noblepony turned to her, their faces so baffled one could barely recognize them as ponies. They looked like they’d just discovered death was inevitable. There was a spark of absolute, utter despair in their eyes. Twilight gulped. And then, very slowly, she raised a hoof and forced a smile. “Um. Woo-hoo,” she said, sweat pouring down her forehead. “This is my… jam?” Silence. THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG The nobleponies looked at her. Then they looked at the band. Then back at Twilight. Twilight gulped again. And then the nobleponies went wild. “WOOOOOO!” “This song is amazing!” “This is the greatest music I’ve ever heard!” “I think my eardrums exploded, but this is still pretty nice! Also I need a doctor right now, I think I’m bleeding.” “I LOVE THIS BAND!” “TOP HATTERS! TOP HATTERS! TOP HATTERS! TOP HATTERS!” Twilight shuddered at the sound of the cheers, and then wiped away her sweat. “Phew,” she said. “Dear Celestia, that was intense. At least now I have a couple moments to—” And then Twilight saw the guards. “Hey!” Dash turned around and looked at Pinkie and Rarity. “I think they like us now! Listen to them!” There was no need for her to say that, of course. The cheers were as loud as nobleponies could get, which was pretty impressive, all things considered. Most of them were covering their screams of pain with cheers, though, which was probably the reason why the volume was so high. Pinkie’s grin was bigger than ever, and Rarity was still paying attention to absolutely nothing but her own piano, because when she got jazzy, she got jazzy hard. “See?!” Applejack said, still ramming that banjo. THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG. Yeah, exactly like that. “My banjo’s great!” “Hah! Your banjo is the most horrible thing they’ve ever heard!” Dash replied, smirking. “What they like is my voice!” She turned to the audience. “Isn’t it right, folks?!” “WOOOO!” “WE’RE NOT REALLY SURE!” “THE DRUMS ARE KIND OF ADEQUATE!” “TOP HATTERS! TOP HATTERS! TOP HATTERS!” “MY MOTHER JUST LOST CONSCIOUSNESS!” “That’s right!” Dash said, nodding. “They love it! Woo-hoo!” She punched the air in front of her. “This is awesome! We should do this more oft—” And then Dash saw the guards. “Miss Summer Breath! Wait!” screamed the schoolfilly stallion. Fluttershy couldn’t hear him. Not like she wanted to, of course, but even if she had tried her hardest to listen to the schoolfilly stallion, she would have found it impossible. Mostly because she was running away from him, crying her eyes out, being as close to hysteria as Fluttershy could be. Her sobs were not only audible, but even noticeable. She had crossed a line at one point—there was only so much money a pony could win while trying to lose, and after a while, Fluttershy had lost her cool. And Money Bags Casino had lost like three million bits or something, judging by the gargantuan bag of coins the schoolfilly stallion was carrying on his back. Let it never be said that this story doesn’t give credit when credit is due: the schoolfilly stallion was both obscenely strong and obscenely noble. Lesser ponies would have tried to run away with the bag, and then they would have broken their necks or something, because that thing probably weighed a ton and half. So there they were: Fluttershy was running away, trying to get as far from that bag of money as possible, and the schoolfilly stallion was running after her because his mother had raised him well, darn it. And then, Fluttershy tripped on something and fell to the floor, face-first and all. Whining a little, she rubbed her muzzle and fought back tears, and then the schoolfilly stallion got to her and helped her get up. “Are you okay?” he asked, frowning. “Miss Summer Breath, you must—” And then he stopped talking, because both he and Fluttershy noticed the latter had tripped over none other than Money Bags himself. For a couple seconds, there was silence. Aside from the THWANG THWANG THWANG and the cheering nobleponies, of course. Then Dash blinked. “THE GUARDS!” she yelled, pointing at them. “THE GUARDS!” Twilight yelled too, almost at the same time. “THE TERRORISTS!” one of the guards screamed. “GIRLS!” Fluttershy squeaked. “MONEY BAGS!” the schoolfilly stallion said. “MONEY BAG!” Applejack yelped, pointing at the schoolfilly stallion. “MY DRESS!” Rarity roared, looking at Twilight. “A RANDOM MARE!” the guard Shy had bumped into exclaimed. “MY FACE!” Money Bags whined. “MISTER MONEY BAGS!” all the guards in the room screeched. “THE PRINCESS DID THIS!” Money Bags hollered. “GET HER!” one of the guards roared. “SMOKE BOMBS!” Pinkie yelled. Silence. “Wait, wha—?” And then Pinkie Pie threw, like, twenty smoke bombs at the ground. What followed was enough chaos to make Discord proud. The entire room filled with white smoke, and for a minute or so, absolutely nopony could see anything. Celestia knew what those bombs were made of, but everypony was pretty sure that legal, they were not. There was nothing but tears and coughs and screams for a couple minutes. Some ponies tried to run away, some ponies tried to understand what had just happened, and more or less everypony failed in doing whatever they tried to do. When the smoke finally faded, the nobleponies were still standing there, the guards were still baffled, Money Bags was still whining about his face, and Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie were still on the stage. Fluttershy, Rarity, and Twilight were gone. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Twilight screamed as she ran away from the stage once more, showing her incredible dialectic abilities. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” she continued. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” she finally added, to give it the final touch. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” “AAAAAAAAAAAAA—oh, Fluttershy!” Twilight’s face lit up as she saw the mare running right next to her. “You ran in this direction too?” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” “Hahah! What a wonderful coincidence!” Twilight continued. “Are you okay? Did you get hurt, or—” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” “Oh. Right, we’re running.” Twilight nodded. “We should concentrate on—” “TWILIGHT SPARKLE!” Both Twilight and Fluttershy flinched and looked back. A figure that looked a lot like Rarity came out of the white smoke cloud, baring her teeth like a crazy tiger. “Rarity!” Twilight said, smiling again and slowing down a little. “I’m so glad to see you! Are you oka—” “WHAT! DID! YOU! DO! TO! MY! DRESS?!” Silence. Twilight blinked. “Um. I had a little bit of trouble with the whimsical butterflies?” “COME HERE RIGHT NOW!” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Twilight had never run so fast in her entire life. Dash looked at the audience as the smoke disappeared. There were some coughs here and there, but everypony was getting their breath back pretty fast now. Most of the guards were looking at her with bloodshot eyes. Silence. By Rainbow’s side, Applejack tossed the banjo aside and cracked her neck. “Well,” she muttered. “Ah see… Twenty-one guards?” “More or less, yes,” Dash said, nodding. “And they’re all lookin’ at us funny.” “Indeed.” “GET THEM!” Money Bags screamed, still on the floor. “GET THEM ALL! THE TERRORISTS! PRINCESS TWILIGHT! ALL OF THEM!” “Hmm.” Applejack licked her lips. “And there’s three of us.” “You really can count, yeah,” Dash said. The guards were still staring. The nobleponies looked uneasy. Everypony was staring at them. Silence. “We should, like, stall them a little bit.” Applejack scratched her muzzle. “Y’know, so Twilight and the others can escape. That’s what friends do.” “Couldn’t agree more.” “WHAT THE CRABAPPLES ARE YOU WAITING FOR, YOU IDIOTS?! GET THEM!” “Doesn’t seem like the odds are in our favor, does it?” AJ asked, turning to Dash. “You think we can handle them?” “Oh, yes.” Dash waved a hoof. “We’re doing this. Two against twenty-one, we’re wearing top hats, they’re trained guards, we’re tired and smell like smoke… This is totally happening. We just need to make this cooler.” Then she turned around. “Pinkie?” Pinkie leaped away from the drums and ran to Rainbow Dash. “Yes?” Dash smiled and turned around. “We need this fight to be as awesome as possible if we want to kick their flanks. So…” She walked two meters to the right side, grabbed the electric guitar she had mentioned before, and tossed it to Pinkie. “Bring the thunder.” Pinkie’s eyes lit up. Money Bags screamed once more. The guards roared and charged against the stage. Applejack and Rainbow Dash roared and charged towards the guards. Pinkie Pie strummed the first chord. The fight began. A couple minutes later, Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy were panting and sweating like cows in front of a weighing machine, safely hidden inside what Rarity had called a “safe haven.” Well, not all of them were panting. Rarity was kind of screaming. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU JUST DIDN’T BRING THE NECKLACE?!” she roared, the mirrors trembling at the sound of her voice. “TWILIGHT, I SPENT MONTHS DESIGNING THAT DRESS!” “But…!” Twilight was pressing herself against the wall, trying to run away from Rarity. “But…! That necklace was really hard to tie by myself!” “THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED FOR HELP!” “Applejack didn’t know how to tie it either! Plus, she has no magic so she can’t—” “I WAS TALKING ABOUT SPIKE!” Silence. “Oh.” Twilight blinked. “Oh, right. Spike. Boy, I keep forgetting him lately, don’t I?” “You kind of are,” Money Bags interrupted. “Isn’t he, like, incredibly useful in your daily life?” “Eeeeeeh.” Twilight shrugged. “He kind of blends into the background.” Silence. Money Bags shrugged too. “Mneh. Fair point. Go on.” “AND YOU JUST RANDOMLY CHOSE TO ABSOLUTELY DESTROY EVERYTHING THAT DRESS AND I STAND FOR, BECAUSE YOU FOUND IT TOO HARD?!” “Look, Rarity, I’m really sorry, but I seriously think we should talk about other things right n—” “OH NO, YOU’RE NOT ESCAPING THIS ONE! I’VE BEEN FORCED TO WALK UP A HUNDRED MILLION STAIRS JUST TO FOLLOW YOUR PLAN, SO NOW YOU’RE LISTENING TO ME!” “Hey!” Twilight frowned. “My plan didn’t call for you to be up here! In fact, why are you and Dash…?” “THAT IS NOT IMPORTANT! WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THE DRESS!” “But…!” “NO!” “But…!” “I SAID NO!” Twilight whimpered and looked to Fluttershy. “A little help?” she muttered. Fluttershy bit her lip and looked at Rarity. Rarity glared back. Silence. “Um.” Fluttershy scratched the back of her neck. “Uh, I’m just… I’m going to check if any guards followed us.” “FLUTTERSHY!” Twilight begged. “PLEASE!” “OH, NO, YOU DON’T GO BLAMING HER, YOUNG LADY!” Rarity screeched. One of the mirrors broke. “DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK YOU CAN DESTROY A FINE DRESS JUST LIKE THAT AND THEN HOPE FLUTTERSHY CAN HELP YOU?!” “I’m just gonna take my leave here,” Fluttershy muttered, opening the door a little bit. “Are you sure they can’t enter here, Rarity?” “Oh, of course not, darling. The door says ‘ladies’, doesn’t it?” Rarity smiled at her. “Are there any guards outside?” “No.” Fluttershy scratched her nose and walked out of the bathroom. “I, um, I’m going to see how Dash and the others are doing, I guess,” she said before closing the door after herself. “You can, uh, go on.” “NO! DON’T TELL HER TO GO ON! DON’T—!” “THAT DRESS WAS CAREFULLY AND PAINFULLY SEWED BY HOOF, TWILIGHT, AND YOU ARE NOT DOING IT JUSTICE!” “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” “So your coward friend chose to go outside of the bathroom on her own mere minutes after walking in there?” Money Bags frowned and crossed his forelegs. “That doesn’t sound very logical.” “I don’t think you are properly imagining the lecture Rarity gave me.” Twilight bit her lip and her ears went flat against her head. “It was really… something. However, Fluttershy came back very soon.” “Um… Girls?” Fluttershy opened the door and peeked her head inside. “I think you should see this.” “Hmm?” Rarity stopped yelling for a second and looked at her friend. “Can’t it wait? We’re a little bit busy here. Aren’t we, Twilight?” Twilight, pale as a ghost and shaking like a leaf on a particularly chilly autumn morning, nodded. “I… It can’t wait, sorry.” Fluttershy bit her lip. “It’s really important. Dash and Applejack are… Well. They’re still on the stage.” “What?” Rarity cocked her head to the side and walked towards the door. “They didn’t run away?” “Not really, no. Twilight?” Fluttershy looked at her. “You should come too.” Twilight whimpered, still shaking. Rarity turned around and squinted at her. “Twilight?” she asked, her voice as soft as the cheek of a very fat baby. “YES, MA’AM!” Twi got up and ran towards the door. “SORRY! PLEASE DON’T SCREAM AT ME!” “Atta girl.” Fluttershy didn’t lead them very far. She merely walked a couple meters and pointed at the door that led backstage. “They, um, they’re still there.” “Oh?” Rarity arched an eyebrow. “But what about the guards? And what about Pinkie?” “Just… Just open the door.” Rarity looked at Twilight, who flinched visibly. Rolling her eyes, Rarity grabbed the door handle and opened the door. “DO DO DO-DO, DO DO DO-DO, DO DO DO-DO DO- DO DO-DO!” PLAF! BLAM! PLOMPF! “OH SWEET BABY CELESTIA, MY LEG!” “DO DO DO-DO DO-DO DO-DO!” Rarity closed the door. Silence. Rarity blinked. “That… Was that Pinkie playing the guitar?” Fluttershy nodded. “Yes.” “And singing?” “Indeed.” “And the nobleponies were doing the chorus.” “They have a surprisingly good sense of rhythm,” Fluttershy said. “Ah.” Twilight blinked. “I already knew that.” “And Dash and Applejack were…” “Fighting the guards,” Fluttershy finished. “While, uh. I think they were following Pinkie’s beat. And still wearing those top hats, for some reason.” Silence. The three mares looked at each other. Rarity opened the door again. “DO DO DO-DO, DO DO DO-DO, DO DO DO-DO DO-DO DO-DO!” “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA IS THAT ALL YOU’VE GOT?!” DO DO DO-DO, DO DO DO-DO, DO DO DO-DO DO-DO DO-DO! BOUM! CRACK! SPLORCH! “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH! I THINK I CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN ANYMORE!” Rarity closed the door. Silence. Rarity blinked. “Well, that scarred me for life. But hey, they’re having fun, and I believe that’s what really matters here,” she said. “Also remind me to never, ever anger Applejack again, because oh my dear Celestia.” “Is it…?” Twilight squinted. “Is it legal to use teeth like that in a fight? I don’t think it’s legal to use teeth like that in a fight.” “Pinkie was laughing,” Fluttershy said. “That’s what really scared me. She was laughing so hard. And the nobleponies were just following her, like…” “Yes, I’m going to have so many nightmares after this,” Rarity said. “Princess Luna is in for a treat tonight. Anyway! So, the guards are being obliterated and our friends have apparently developed a taste for blood. That actually looks like a good situation to me!” Twilight nodded. Color had come back to her cheeks, and she was trembling less now. “It is. Now we can—” “Continue with my screaming!” Rarity finished, beaming. “Ahem. THAT DRESS IS MORE VALUABLE THAN YOUR ENTIRE HOUSE, AND YOU’RE MAKING IT LOOK LIKE A WEDDING CAKE!” “That would actually explain why I suddenly feel so, uh, really happy all of a sudden,” Fluttershy muttered. “Rarity, do you feel like Celebrating our Friendship?” “Later, darling. Ahem, as I was sayING, TWILIGHT SPARKLE, I HAVE—” “Wait!” Twilight closed Rarity’s mouth with a hoof. “You can keep traumatizing me later, we need to get away from here, now!” Rarity, hoof still on her mouth, squinted. “Wfll cffntfflfff thffs lfftffr, Twfflffght.” “Absolutely, yes, whatever you said.” Twilight sighed. “Now, first things first: give me the documents. The sooner we finish this, the sooner we get out.” Silence. Twilight frowned. “What?” she asked as both Fluttershy and Rarity looked to the side. Rarity still had Twilight’s hoof in her mouth. “What?” “Um.” Fluttershy looked at Rarity. “Uh, you tell her.” “Thffs ffs bfftrffyffl!” “What?” Twilight squinted. “What do you have to explain, exactly?” “Thffs wffl bff fffsffr ff—ptoo!” Rarity shook her head and wiped her mouth. “Ugh. Twilight, what the hay have you done with that hoof?! It tastes like feet!” “I kind of use it for walking.” “Oh. Right. We’re quadrupedal.” Rarity frowned. “Ew.” “How do you even know what feet are?” Fluttershy asked. “Eh, I read some reaaaally weird romance novels in my youth.” Rarity waved a hoof. “It’s amazing how much you learn from those, though. Did you know ducks have some kind of corkscrew in their—” “Rarity!” Twilight poked her on the chest. “Where is the document? You had one job, and that was to get that thing! The entire plan was built around you getting it! Where is it?!” Silence. Rarity licked her lips. “Well… Um. It’s kind of hard to explain, actually. Also, I blame Dash for it.” “Rarity…” “Like, I can’t stress enough just how much Rainbow Dash is to blame here.” She frowned. “The same Rainbow Dash who’s sweeping the floor with twenty-one bulky guards right now, by the way. Hmm.” She tapped her chin. “Maybe I should be a little nicer to her from now on…” “Rarity!” Twilight yelled, poking her on the chest a little harder. “The document!” “Ah. Yes.” Rarity licked her lips. “Well, um, everything was going fine and dandy first, right? We went to the sewers, and we stood right under Money Bags’ office, and we took the cake out, and everything was according to plan, and—” “You totally forgot the document.” “We absolutely forgot the document and I apologize profusely for it, yes. Also everything exploded.” Silence. Twilight sighed and ran a hoof through her mane. “You know, one would expect that by this point I’d be used to our incompetence. I am not.” “I would take offense for that if it wasn’t for the fact that I just saw Dash and Applejack recreating the Manehattan Massacre, all by themselves, in what was supposed to be a stealth mission,” Rarity said. “I tried to hide and I messed up so badly I turned into a millionaire,” Fluttershy replied. “So… I guess I agree. So, what do we do now?” “Well.” Twilight frowned and scratched her chin and looked at Rarity. “Everything exploded, you say?” “Parts of the office were intact, I guess,” Rarity said, shrugging. “I was not exactly okay down there, I don’t really remember anything.” “Hm. That means we can’t lose hope yet,” Twilight said, smiling a little and grabbing her friends by their shoulders. “We’re the three smartest mares of the group, I’m sure we’ll come up with something! We need to be optimistic, girls!” “Uh.” Fluttershy blinked and looked at Twilight. “Uuuuuh. That wasn’t a really nice thing to say, Twilight.” “Oh, please, Fluttershy.” Rarity waved a hoof. “We all know she’s right, we’re comparing ourselves to Rainbow Dash and Applejack here!” “What about Pinkie?” “She’s the odd one out. Anyway!” Rarity shook her head. “Twilight is right! We can still solve this! The guards are not a problem anymore, are they? That means there’s nothing in our way!” “Indeed!” Twilight said. “I don’t get why are you insulting our friends,” Fluttershy said. “And as long as the plan doesn’t involve those stupid stairs, I’m completely—” “The first step is us going downstairs and then probably up again!” Twilight chirped. “Ponyfeathers.” “HOO-HAAAAAAH!” PLAF! And with that kick, the last guard fell down, and Pinkie strummed the last chord of her song. Silence. Rainbow Dash relaxed her shoulders, wiped the sweat off her forehead and looked at Applejack. “Is it over?” she asked. AJ nodded and smiled at her. “Reckon so.” They were surrounded by knocked out guards, all of them neatly piled on the ground in groups of three. There was no real reason for them to be like this, of course, but Applejack and Dash had felt like having a little bit of fun while fighting. Amazing how much better one feels after a good ol’ fight, Applejack thought as she looked around. Especially when you win, of course. Even the nobleponies looked kind of ecstatic, looking at Pinkie with eager anticipation and poking the unconscious guards. The sound of folks gambling and having a great time somewhere far away came to them soft and muffled. As far as Applejack cared, they were completely alone. “Well, that was a doozy!” Dash said, grabbing Applejack by the shoulder and pointing at the nobleponies. “And they look happy too!” “I’m pretty sure this is all a Pfrench thing!” one of the nobleponies whispered to his wife. “It’s all part of the show! Very avant-garde!” “I think I’ve lost what little innocence I had left, dear.” “Yes, but you lost it in a Pfrench way, which automatically makes it okay!” “I had so much fun!” Pinkie chirped, throwing the electric guitar away and hopping towards them. “Especially when we started to cause unnecessary pain for no reason! Very cathartic!” “I pictured my dad every time I punched one of them!” Dash said. “Hahah. Yeah.” Applejack scratched the back of her neck. “We have issues, that’s hilarious. So anyway, what do we do now?” “I have no idea.” Dash looked at the gambling section, at the other side of the casino, and then back at the stage, full of knocked out guards. “It looks like nopony noticed what was happening here.” “Yeah! This casino is big, after all!” Pinkie said, nodding. “Any idea where Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy are?” “They could be anywhere,” Applejack said, frowning a little. “This wasn’t a part of the plan.” “Hah, we’re lucky it came out this way, then,” Dash said, grinning. “This was awesome! Very smart move with the smoke bombs, by the way.” She elbowed Pinkie. “That was genius.” “Thanks!” “Well, at least the guards are outta the game now,” AJ muttered. “But Ah seriously don’t know what to do from this point on.” “Pfft. Like that’s a problem,” Dash said, waving a hoof. “Without the guards or the nobleponies bothering us, this heist is going to be the easiest thing ever! We’ve already won!” “That would be truer if we knew what to do. Once the kicks are over, Ah’m kind of lost.“ “Applejack is right,” Pinkie said, nodding. “We were supposed to find proof of Money Bags being a baddie, and all we did was play some songs and kick some guards. We should think of something now!” “Okay, then we think about it!” Dash grabbed her friends by the shoulders and pressed them against her sides. “Come on, we’re the smartest ponies in the group! We can come up with something in no time!” “Woah.” Applejack arched an eyebrow. “That wasn’t a nice thing to say, sugarcube.” “Oh, please.” Dash rolled her eyes. “It’s Rarity and Fluttershy we’re talking about.” “What about Twilight?” Pinkie asked. “She’s the odd one out. Anyway!” Dash shook her head. “That doesn’t matter! If we want to prove Money Bags is bad, why don’t we just kick a confession out of him?” “That sounds extremely illegal,” Applejack said. “Then again, he’s a bad guy.” “That automatically makes it right,” Pinkie said. “We can kick him.” AJ grinned. “Darn, I love morality.” “See? Bam. Three seconds, and we have a plan already.” Dash tightened her hug. “We rock so much.” Pinkie nodded. “It’s a family thing.” “Well then!” Applejack got away from Dash and looked around. The nobleponies looked at her in awe. “Where’s Money Bags? We have some righteous kickin’ to do.” “He was laying there, wasn’t he?” Dash said, pointing at the table where Twilight and Money Bags had talked. “Like, when we were kicking all that butt. Wasn’t he?” She looked at the nearest noblepony, a mustached stallion. “Wasn’t he?” “Uh. I think so?” the noblepony replied, and his voice sounded very much like… “Schoolfilly stallion!” Pinkie interrupted. “Is it you?!” Silence. The noblepony squinted. “My life is a difficult one,” he said. “Of course it’s you! I’d recognize that prepubescent voice anywhere!” Pinkie said, jumping towards the stallion and hugging him. “I didn’t think I’d see you here!” “Y’know each other?” Applejack asked, looking at the schoolfilly stallion and then at Pinkie. “How come?” “He helped me play some cards!” Pinkie said. “He’s a good guy!” “Is that safe?” Dash asked, frowning a little and looking at Applejack. “Aren’t nobleponies a little bit… You know. Noblepony-ish? Half the plan was about avoiding contact with them.” “Well, they helped us with the guards, didn’t they?” AJ replied, shrugging. “And Ah think they can be okay. Why, there was one young mare who sounded really nice before, although she had horrible taste in apples…” “Ah!” a feminine voice said. Everypony in the room turned at once and looked at who had spoke: a young-looking noblemare. “I knew there was something weird about you! You’re the Pfrench mare who asked me to help!” She walked towards them, looking at Pinkie and Dash. “And they are the ones you were looking for? You wanted to play music with them?” Applejack blinked. “Uh. Yyyeah, Ah guess. Let’s go with that. Bonjour.” “Woah, your noblepony friend is here too? What a coincidence!” “We kinda used half the ponies in the casino to beat up the guards, Pinkie,” Applejack said. “Reckon it’s not that much ‘bout coincidence as it is ‘bout statistics.” “I say,” the schoolfilly stallion muttered. “It wasn’t that hard to find you,” the young noblemare said. Silence. AJ looked at the schoolfilly stallion. “How on Equestria can you have a voice that’s more feminine than hers?!” “Aw, who cares?” Dash shook her head and poked the schoolfilly stallion on the chest. “You! I asked you a question! Wasn’t Money Bags right there when we fought the guards?” “Um. Yes, he was.” The schoolfilly stallion licked his lips. “In fact, I was the one who helped him up—poor Mister Money Bags looked like he really needed a hoof.” “You helped him?!” Dash scoffed. “Some friend you have there, Pinks.” The schoolfilly stallion blinked. “Wait, what?” “Aaw. Schoolfilly stallion, you shouldn’t have done that!” Pinkie said, pouting. “Money Bag’s a meanie!” The schoolfilly stallion frowned and his ears perked up. “He is?” “Yeah. He makes ponies miserable. And he’s not Pfrench,” Applejack said. Every single noblepony in the room gasped. “That’s horrible!” “We can’t let that happen!” “Pfrench ponies have a pass, but normal ponies? Never!” “I seriously love this crowd,” Dash muttered, looking around. “They’re so zany. Anyway! Yeah, Money Bags is a bad one. So, you shouldn’t have helped him up.” The schoolfilly stallion bowed. “My bad,” he said. “If I ever see him again, I’ll kick him in the stomach.” “That’s the spirit!” “However, I didn’t remain with Mister Money Bags for much longer,” he added. “Shortly after I helped him up, the lady started to sing.” He nodded at Pinkie with his head. “And then I joined the song. I lost sight of Mister Money Bags immediately.” “Ah! I know where he went!” the young noblemare said. “I saw him stumbling after you left,” she looked at the schoolfilly stallion, “and then I went up to him and asked him if he was okay. He said no, and then he went away.” She frowned and pointed at the right. “In that direction. Then I joined the song.” “Woah. Noblepony friends are useful,” Dash said. She looked at Pinkie. “Do you have somepony else hidden in there?” “Two more, actually! The jerk cook, and also there’s him!” She pointed. “Hello—” “Money Bags went there?” Applejack looked at the young noblemare. “Towards the gamblin’ part of the casino?” “I think so, yes,” the noblemare said. “Well.” Applejack looked at Dash and Pinkie with a frown. “That’s bad news, girls.” “What? Why?” Dash arched an eyebrow. “The gambling section is big, but between the three of us we can find him in no time.” “Ah’m not afraid of him bein’ in the gamblin’ section,” Applejack said. “Ah’m afraid of what’s at the other side of it.” Pinkie cocked her head to the side. “And what’s that?” “Why,” a stallion’s voice said, “the main door, of course.” Everything froze. Well, not literally. There wasn’t any snow or anything. It’s just that everypony stopped whatever they were doing, immediately. That includes ponies who were blinking while the voice talked—they stopped mid-blink. Now, that’s commitment. And then, everypony turned around. The ponies in mid-blink didn’t open their eyes fully, because they weren’t sellouts. Standing there, looking as dignified as ever, was Money Bags. And behind him, ten of the bulkiest ponies in existence stood in V-formation, looking like bulla who just saw an idiot wearing a red cape. Their muscles were the size of watermelons. “As I already told Princess Twilight,” Money Bags said, smiling fiercely—which means he was showing more teeth than he could possibly physically fit in his mouth—and looking at Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie, “I called for reinforcements long ago.” Silence. The three friends and the nobleponies stared at the watermelonian guards. The watermelonian guards stared back. “Let’s see you rock away from these guys,” Money Bags said. “Guards. Get them.” “TEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!” Twilight stopped talking and looked at the watermelonian guards with an arched eyebrow. They were all giggling like schoolfillies in front of an effeminate popstar and stomping their hooves on the floor. “Hah! Look at them!” Money Bags smiled. “They’re excited because they’re in the story now!” “YEAH!” they replied. “TEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!” “I didn’t know there was such a thing as power-giggling,” Twilight muttered, “but I see now that I was wrong.” “TEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!” “They’re so cute now and then,” Money Bags said. “Don’t you agree? They’re like puppies on steroids.” “And for once, we agree,” Twilight said. Then she bit her lip and looked at the watermelonian guards. “Uh...Do you want me to keep narrating your scenes, or…?” “NO! TEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!” “Aaaaw. They’re blushing. They’re so shy!” “They look like a mix between a tomato and a mountain.” Twilight frowned. “There is something seriously wrong with that. Anyway, I guess I’ll change scenes now…” “...And—oh dear Celestia my knees hurt!—and that was, ooof, that was everything that happened to me since the plan started!” Rarity finished, huffing and puffing like the bad guy from a children book. “And also everything that happened to—oh goodness, my lungs are burning—to Applejack!” “Wow. Thanks, Rarity!” Twilight replied. “That was unnecessarily overdetailed, but I’m glad to finally know what was going on! You too, Fluttershy.” She smiled at the pegasus. “And of course, your story was shorter, but equally useful, so thank you, too!” “You’re welcome!” Fluttershy replied. They were running down the stairs that led to Money Bags’ office and they’d been doing so for a long while now. Long enough for both Rarity and Fluttershy to explain exactly what had happened to them during the day. Rarity had also chimed in for everything regarding Applejack and Rainbow Dash, because they’d had a long conversation in the bathroom, too. Which means she’d explained not one, but three complete stories while running as fast as she could. One could probably fill seven chapters of a book with all the stuff Rarity had said, and she had barely recovered from the physical trauma from before. The result was not pretty. In other words: Rarity felt like she was dying. “OH SWEET BABY CELESTIA, I FEEL LIKE I’M DYING!” she screamed. She was absolutely sure she had lost five years of her life because of those stairs. “I AM ABSOLUTELY SURE I’VE LOST FIVE YEARS OF MY LIFE BECAUSE OF THESE STAIRS!” she added. Meanwhile, Twilight and Fluttershy were flying and completely silent. So they more or less felt perfectly okay. “Oh my, I feel more or less perfectly okay!” What a blessing it was, to have wings. “What a blessing it is, to have wings!” “You’re getting better at telling stories!” “Absolutely.” “So…” Twilight said, looking down at the puddle of custard that was Rarity. “That’s an extreme reaction to exercise you have going on right there.” “MY EVERYTHING HURTS!” “I’m so sorry, Rarity!” Fluttershy said, her ears flat against her head. “I would love to lift you and carry you, but you’re too heavy!” “Same here,” Twilight added. “Maybe if you lost a little weight we could help you, but right now…” “NOT HELP—ooooof—NOT HELPING, GIRLS!” “We’re so, so sorry! But Twilight is right,” Fluttershy said. “I mean, you’re okay, but…” “Yeah, we’re not suggesting anything drastic,” Twilight agreed. “Just, you know. A little less ice cream, a little more lettuce, some exercise in the mornings… It’ll do wonders, trust me.” “SERIOUSLY NOT HELPING!” “Hey, we’re just worried about you!” Twilight said. “Then again, I guess it makes sense,” Fluttershy said, looking at Twilight. “I mean, fashionistas need to sit all day, don’t they? And she needs to work on her dresses as much as possible, seeing how her business is an absolute fail—” “I WILL PUNCH YOU IN YOUR SLEEP UNLESS YOU CHANGE TOPICS RIGHT NO—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM! Money Bags blinked. “So she fell downstairs?” “Aaaall the way to your office. “Ouch.” It took Fluttershy and Twilight a couple minutes to fly there. Luckily for Rarity, they were pretty close to the office already, but that still didn’t mean the fall had been a soft one. When they arrived, Rarity was still on the floor. And judging by the way she was lying, she had landed face-first. “Um.” Twilight approached her carefully and poked her on the side. “Rarity? Are you okay?” “Grbmbtflggggh,” Rarity replied. Fluttershy frowned. “I think that means ‘yes’.” “Probably,” Twilight said, and then she looked around. They were standing in a short corridor, and right in front of them was the door that led to Money Bags’ office. The office looked horrible. Most of the walls and the floor were completely gone, and debris covered everything. The tables were destroyed, the safe was buried, and Twilight couldn’t find a single scroll in there that wasn’t burned to ashes. When she looked at the room, her ears went flat against her head, and her pupils grew so much her eyes were almost completely black. Fluttershy looked at it and gasped, covering her mouth with a hoof. “Oh, no,” she muttered. “Everything is…” “Everything is destroyed,” Twilight said. “Absolutely everything.” “Can… Can we get anything out of this?” Twilight sighed. “No. No, we can’t. There’s no way we’re going to find any piece of evidence in here. I didn’t know cake could create such a powerful explosion.” “There was also fire,” Fluttershy said. “Are you sure you only used cakes, Rarity?” “Grbmbtflggggh.” “Oh. So… What do we do now?” Fluttershy asked, her voice trembling a little. “I mean… We can’t get the document, so…” Twilight opened her mouth and took a deep breath, which probably meant she was going to reply to that question, but something interrupted her. Her ears perked up and her frown deepened as she turned around. “Do you hear that?” she asked. “Hear what?” “Listen.” Fluttershy arched an eyebrow, but obeyed. As the corridor fell silent once more, a faint sound made it to them. “Oh,” Fluttershy said. “I hear it! It’s like… Screaming?” “Sounds like a talking apple, a talking mountain of candy, and somepony with no common sense being chased by a bunch of very strong buffalo,” Twilight said. “That’s awfully specific.” “Well, it’s a very characteristic sound.” Twilight and Fluttershy tensed as they noticed the sound was coming from upstairs, and there was no doubt—it was getting closer. The screams got clearer, but not all of them; the buffalo-like yelling was still distant. And of course, Rarity chose that exact very moment to finally get up, each of her eyes pointing at a different direction. “Oh my goodness,” she said, stumbling forward and looking more horrible than ever. “Oh my goodness, everything hurt—” “AAAAAAAAAAAAA—” BLAM! Both Twilight and Fluttershy yelped as an orange, blue, and pink blur came from upstairs at top speed and crashed into Rarity, slamming her against the ground again. This made a plof sound, which couldn’t be healthy at all, given the circumstances. The blur, turns out, was none other than Rainbow Dash, carrying Pinkie and Applejack. She was covered in sweat, panting, and terrified. “Girls!” she screamed, looking up at Fluttershy and Twilight. “You were here?!” “Dash!” Twilight yelled. “Pinkie! Applejack!” “Oh my gosh, Rarity!” Fluttershy added, pointing. “Eh? Rarity?” Dash blinked and looked down. “Oh. Boy, she sure is a comfy cushion, let me tell you. Somepony needs to lose some weight, hmmm?” “I am going to murder you all,” Rarity replied. Her voice was muffled because Applejack was sitting on top of her face. “Sorry, sugarcube!” she promptly said, getting up and helping Pinkie do the same. “Girls!” she said, looking at Twilight. “We’re in trouble! Money Bags called for more guards!” Twilight arched an eyebrow. “That’s ‘trouble’? I saw you reducing one of those to tears with nothing but your teeth half an hour ago, Applejack.” “These guards are different!” AJ yelled, grabbing Twilight by the shoulders. “They’re huge! And muscular! And strong!” Dash nodded, frowning. “I tried to kick one, and he didn’t even flinch!” A pause. “Or, uh, she didn’t even flinch, I don’t know. It’s not exactly easy to tell.” “Dash.” “Ah?” Dash looked down. “Yes?” “Why are you still on top of me.” “I wasn’t lying when I said you’re comfy.” “They didn’t sing along with my song, either!” Pinkie said. “They’re way out our league! Also, seriously, Rarity, your back is an amazing place to sit down.” “I know, right?” Dash said, looking at Pinkie. “We oughta do this more often.” “I hate you so much, right now.” “Yeah!” Applejack said. “We’ve lost! They’re too much for us!” “TEEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!” “No, no, don’t let them interrupt your story. Just ignore them.” “So… What do we do, Brains?” Dash said, looking at Twilight. “Yeah! We need a plan, and we need it fast!” Applejack added. “Please say you have something in mind?” Fluttershy bit her lip and looked at Twilight with puppy eyes. “Please?” “WHY ARE YOU STILL USING ME AS A SOFA.” Silence. Twilight turned around and looked at the office again. Then she looked at her friends. The guards were getting closer. Silence. Then Twilight sighed. “I have nothing,” she said. “There are no documents, there’s only one way out, and we’re trapped by guards we can’t beat. It’s over, girls. We’ve lost.” Everypony just looked at Twilight for a couple seconds, and then the words sank in. Slowly, every ear went flat against their heads, every eye lost its sparkle, every mouth curled down in a pout or a horrorized grimace. Their shoulders dropped, and the air seemed to be colder, somehow. “We… we’ve lost?” Dash said. “Because we exploded the office?” “It’s not your fault, Dash.” “OF COURSE IT’S HER FAULT.” “We were just unlucky.” Twilight shrugged. “So—” “Okay!” Pinkie clapped. “I’ve got it!” Then she looked around. “Woah. Why the long faces?” Silence. “Um.” Fluttershy licked her lips. “Uh, Pinkie? Didn’t you hear Twilight?” “Nope! I was busy thinking about a plan.” Pinkie grinned. “Don’t you remember? I’m Boss! I’m supposed to come up with something on the spot whenever Twilight’s plan fails!” she looked at Twilight. “Right?” “Uh. I guess?” Twilight frowned. “But there’s nothing we can do now, right?” “Pffffft. Silly filly.” She patted Twilight on the shoulder. “Of course there’s something we can do! Remember the stage? I’ve been improvising for a looong time now. So let me see some smiles!” “Sweet!” Dash’s pout disappeared immediately as she put her front leg over Pinkie’s shoulder. “That’s Pinks for you! What’s the plan?” “Oh, I have no idea!” Silence. “What.” “I can’t come up with anything!” Pinkie repeated, still smiling. “But that doesn’t matter! I’m sure we’ll manage. Anyway, step one: go upstairs as fast as possible!” Silence. Twilight shrugged. “Meh. There’s nothing else we can do, so I guess she’s right. Let’s go up.” “Oookay.” Dash nodded. “I can carry Pinkie and Applejack myself, but nopony else. Twilight? Fluttershy?” “Nah, we fly alone.” “I am not good at flying with passengers, sorry.” “Welp.” Dash shrugged. “I’m sure Rarity can keep up with us on hoof without trouble.” “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.” “And you already know the rest of the story,” Twilight said. “We got up, we—” “No, no, no.” Money Bags raised a hoof and shook his head. “Nope. Narrate it properly, please.” “What? Why?” “Because you’ve talked for, what? Three hours?” Money Bags snorted. “I’ve been sitting on this chair for so long, my butt hurts. I want some closure out of this.” He shrugged. “Plus, this ends with me winning and you being trapped, so no matter what, I know I’m going to like it.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “And…” Money Bags pointed at the watermelonian guards. “They appear.” “TEEH HEEH HE—” “Yes, yes, cut it out.” It’s not that the watermelonian guards are slow—sure, their legs are so bulky that they can’t really move them that much, but they are so strong that their steps, short as they might be, have enough power to propel them at a very reasonable speed. So, again, it’s not that they’re slow. It’s just that when one’s competing against the Dashing Speedster, one’s doomed to lose. They were still halfway down the stairs when Dash and the others came up. The fact that Rarity actually kept up with them goes to show just how important determination is whenever you need to do something. That, and the urge to scream at and assault your friends. Long story short: on one side, ten gigantic ponies and one economist running downstairs. On the other side, five flying ponies and one pile of custard that was once called Rarity going upstairs. Both of them moving at the fastest speed they could muster. Neither of the two groups could stop in time. The crash was quite something. CRASH! Yes, exactly like that. Now, to be fair, the watermelonian guards didn’t even flinch. They kind of kept running for a while, in fact—they were way too big for something as puny as six grown mares to stop them. Money Bags, on the other hand, got propelled to the other side of the corridor while screaming like a pig in a horror movie. “AUGH!” he yelped when he hit the wall. “OUGH!” he yapped when he hit the floor. “OH CELESTIA EVERYTHING HURTS!” Then he looked up. “DON’T JUST STAND THERE, YOU IDIOTS! GET THEM!” “YEAH!” And then they moved, perfectly coordinated, and jumped towards Twilight and friends. In less than a second, Twilight managed to react. Her horn glimmered, there was a flash of white light, and suddenly her friends were at the other side of the corridor, right next to the stairs that led up. But Twilight was still there, and between her and her friends the watermelonian guards formed a wall of pure muscle. “Twilight!” Pinkie yelled. “No!” “I’ll buy some time!” Twilight screamed back, her horn glimmering again. “Run!” “But…!” “RUN!” And that was the last thing Twilight saw before three of the watermelonian guards grabbed her with grips as strong as steel: her friends running away, Pinkie looking back one more time before getting away. “Don’t let them escape! The rest, go after them! Go, go, go!” “And that’s it,” Twilight finally said, her voice merely a whisper now. She was looking down, ears flat against her head. “That’s all that happened.” For ten, maybe twenty seconds, the room was in absolute silence. The watermelonian guards weren’t giggling anymore; they had regained that serious, muscular expression of theirs. Twilight was looking down. And Money Bags was just sitting there, legs crossed, looking at the ceiling. His mouth was a perfectly straight line. Everything was still for a while. And then, Money Bags sighed and cracked his neck. “So,” he said, “it took you a while to finish the story.” Twilight didn’t raise her head. Her mane was hiding her face—it was a perfect Fluttershy imitation. “Just as I imagined, you do have more allies than just your five friends.” Money Bags got up and circled Twilight and her chair, muttering. “I’m kind of disappointed at how the dragon didn’t really matter at the end, but all in all, this wasn’t a complete waste of time. You guys,” he said, looking at the guards, “look for the young noblemare and the schoolfilly stallion. And the jerk cook, just in case. We don’t want to leave any threads hanging.” “YEAH!” “Now we’re going to deal with you, Princess.” Money Bags poked at Twilight on the side of her head. She still didn’t move. “The moment the Royal Guards get here, we’re going to throw both you and your friends in jail, and then I’ll make sure you pay for all the ruckus you’ve caused.” He narrowed his eyes. “And after that, I’ll carry on my needlessly evil plans and absolutely ruin Manehattan. I don’t really have a reason to do that, seeing how I’m literally too rich to ever end up without money, but I’m still going to do it, and I’m going to do it out of spite.” Silence. Twilight refused to move. Money Bags frowned and poked her harder. “Hey!” he said. “What, cat got your tongue all of a sudden? Why aren’t you talking? At least show me how scared you are!” Still no movement. Her shoulders were shaking. “Hey! Princess Twilight!” Money Bags grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. “Come on, at least give me the gratification of seeing you…” A pause. “Wait.” Money Bags blinked and took a closer look at Twilight’s face. “Wait, what?” Twilight wasn’t sad, or angry, or anything of the sorts. In fact, she looked happier than ever. She was biting her lip as hard as possible. She wasn’t suppressing tears, she was just trying her hardest not to laugh. “Ooo-kay.” Money Bags took a step back and squinted. “I’m fairly sure that’s not the right reaction.” “Pffft.” Twilight bit her lips even harder. “Pfffffffft.” “You’re officially creeping me out right now.” “You didn’t get it.” Twilight let a small snicker escape and looked at Money Bags, still shaking. “You seriously still don’t get it! I can’t believe Pinkie was right!” Silence. “Sweet baby Celestia.” Money Bags’ eyes opened up wide. “Oh, please, tell me this only looks like the part where the hero reveals it was all part of the plan, and that you’re actually just crazy.” “You never noticed!” Twilight finally let out a very unladylike guffaw. Her chest trembled like a shy leaf in the middle of a tornado. “I literally left clues all over the place, and you never noticed! I can’t believe I was so worried at first! Oh, I’ve been waiting so long for this moment!” “Okay.” Money Bags sighed. “Okay, you obviously are plotting something, but before you say anything else, let me remind you that you are still tied to a chair, and that I’ve definitely won, and that you’re going to jail, and—” “How long have I been talking?” Twilight interrupted. Silence. “What?” “I’ve been talking a lot,” Twilight said, with a smile that showed all her teeth. “You forced me to, right? You wanted to know the whole story. So, please tell me: how long has this been going on?” She cocked her head to the side. “You said ‘three hours’ before, right? That’s a long time. A lot of things can happen in three hours.” Money Bags blinked. “Uh—” “Right, three hours.” Twilight groaned and twisted her torso a little. “Also, hey, have you noticed how at first I couldn’t move at all? But now I have some leeway. Look!” She shrugged. “It took me like forty-five minutes to get to do this. What a relief. I was very uncomfortable, you know.” “Okay, Princess, stop right there and—” “So!” Twilight interrupted, looking at Money Bags with a big smile. “I don’t know if you can really remember, but when you brought me here you told me a couple things. You wanted me to know you were in control of the situation.” “I AM IN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION!” “YEAH!” Twilight nodded. “Oh, of course. How was it? First, you have my friend. ‘The white and sassy one’, you said. Second, all your gigantic guards are here, and probably even an alicorn would have trouble with them.” She looked down at the ropes that were holding her. “And third, I’m tied to a chair. Right?” “YEAH!” “I don’t like this.” Money Bags took a step back. “I don’t like this at all. I’ve seen enough movies to know where this is going, and—” “So,” Twilight interrupted, “in order, shall we? You have my white and sassy friend. To that I’m going to say two things: first, I made a huge deal when I started talking about how everypony colored their coats, didn’t I? And my friends spent some time in the bathroom, doing something. By the time they went out to the stage, they’ve already changed their dyes. Rarity is not fit to beat up an entire room full of guards, but she’s not my only sassy friend.” She smirked. “I wonder if that pony you captured had a top hat and a Southern accent, perhaps?” Silence. Money Bags’ eyes got wide. “No,” he whispered. “Yes!” Twilight replied. “Now, second thing: the room is full of guards.” She looked at the watermelonian ponies in front of them. They were all staring. “Now, I am an alicorn, sure, but even I would have trouble with them, I think. But then again…” She shrugged. “What was the potion I brewed with Pinkie, again? Hmmm?” “WHAT ARE YOU—” “And, finally,” Twilight looked down again. “I’m tied to a chair.” Silence. “Seriously,” she said, looking up again and arching an eyebrow, “I have magic. If I’m tied here, it’s because I want to be.” Money Bags bared his teeth and turned towards the guards. “SHE’S GOING TO DO SOMETHING!” he screamed. “DO SOMETHING! JUMP ON HER, OR—” “Too late!” Twilight chimmed. Her horn sparkled. FLASH! With a flash of light, the room filled with green flames. The watermelonian guards took a step back, scared. Money Bags just shrieked like a sentient bow on Bow Burnin’ Day and covered his eyes. There was a crash. Similar to the sound a crystal bottle would make after breaking against a wall, Money Bags thought. No, more than similar. It was exactly like it. There was a weird smell. Something like… eggs? “I don’t think that counts as a ‘potion’, actually” Twilight said. “You don’t even need to drink it for it to work.” Money Bags tensed and uncovered his eyes. In front of him was Princess Twilight, completely free from her chair, looking at the watermelonian guards. The watermelonian guards that were, at the moment, gently snoring on the other side of the room. There was something weird about them—they glimmered a little, like if they had been covered with glitter. “Completely knocked out,” Twilight said, looking at Money Bags and smiling. “You seriously forgot about the potion? You’re even dumber than what I thought.” “You…” Money Bags bared his teeth. “We still have your friend! No matter what you do, we—” “Didn’t you hear me before?” Twilight rolled her eyes. “You don’t have Rarity.” She looked at the sleeping guards. “Those were the only big guards you had. The rest are normal ponies. And you already saw what happens when normal ponies go up against Applejack.” BOOM! Both Twilight and Money Bags yelped when somepony kicked open the door. Money Bags was pretty sure it had been locked, but apparently that didn’t really matter. There were three ponies at the other side of the doorframe. “Oh, my,” one of them, a pegasus, said. “You did open the door, after all.” “I told you!” The second mare grinned at the first. “Pinkicks always work!” “Well, well, well.” The third mare was the one with the white coat, the one Money Bags had trapped. “Lookie what we’ve got here!” “But…!” Money Bags took one step back. “But my guards had you! You were tied!” “Nah.” The mare shook her head. “They didn’t have me. I had them.” Silence. The three new mares—Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Applejack, Money Bags figured—and Twilight were looking at Money Bags. Money Bags looked at them too, alternating between the ones at the door and the one standing before him. Silence. BAM! Money Bags wasn’t the most physical pony out there, but he was still a young stallion. If he had tackled Applejack or—maybe—Pinkie, he wouldn’t have stood a chance, but poor Fluttershy was as resilient as a rose petal. She went down with a surprised yelp, and the other three mares didn’t react fast enough. By the time they were back on their hooves, it was too late—Money Bags was out of the room, had spread his wings, and was flying away as fast as possible. “GET HIM!” Twilight roared from behind. “Oh, come on,” Money Bags muttered, squinting. “Like this needed to be even more ironic.” Author's Note The fight/dance scene? That was the first scene I planned in the entire fic. It's, by far, my favorite. Rarity's reaction to it is also my favorite joke in the entire fic. I wonder if anyone can guess the song Pinkie is singing? It's pretty recent.
Ninth Chapter - One Last JobView OnlineCrime and FunishmentNinth Chapter - One Last Job“Fluttershy! Are you okay?!” Fluttershy groaned and looked up. She’d been tackled against the wall with a little more force than expected. Pinkie, Applejack, and Twilight huddled around her immediately, and Fluttershy shook her head. “Uh… No, no, don’t worry, girls,” she said, smiling. “He just startled me. It’s not that bad.” “You sure, sugarcube?” Applejack asked, frowning. “Looked like you took a hard hit on the head right there.” “No, no, no. Don’t worry.” Fluttershy got up. Her friends took a step back to give some space. “I’ve lived with bears for months, and I’m childhood friends with Rainbow Dash. Believe me, after that, everything is a gentle breeze.” Pinkie patted her on the head. “Atta girl!” she said. “Sorry for not realizing what Money Bags was going to do!” “It doesn’t matter.” Fluttershy rubbed her foreleg. “Ummm… Shouldn’t you three be chasing Money Bags? He’s escaping.” “Oh, there’s no need for that yet,” Twilight said, waving a hoof. “We can give him a couple minutes’ advantage. The important thing is that you’re okay.” “But you said…” “The ‘get him’ thing? That was just to make the situation more ironic.” “Oh.” “Hm.” Applejack looked upstairs. They couldn’t hear Money Bags anymore. “Tryin’ to get all his guards to beat us up? Okay. Usin’ those monsters to scare Twilight? Ah can buy that. Destroyin’ Manehattan? Meh. But…” She squinted. “Tryin’ to tackle Fluttershy?” Twilight, Applejack, and Pinkie looked at each other, frowned, and nodded. “He won’t know what hit him.” “Let’s teach him how we deal with this kind of stuff on the farm.” “Oh, Celestia, we’re gonna whoop his butt so badly!” “OH CELESTIA THEY’RE GONNA WHOOP MY BUTT SO BADLY!” Money Bags yelled, his wings flapping hysterically. Which is actually quite a feat, seeing how wings are completely unable to show any emotion. He hadn’t flown in a while, and his suit was not the most comfortable clothing he could have worn, but at the moment, Money Bags didn’t really care. He was flying as fast as he could towards the exit, clenching his teeth like he was trying to bite somepony’s ear off. Just how on Equestria did they do that? Applejack had switched colors in the middle of the heist—right before they went out to the stage to play, Twilight had said. If only Money Bags hadn’t been zapped in the face, he would have noticed something, he was sure of it. If only— WHACK! There are many ways to describe the feeling of being hit in the face by an electric guitar. The most common one is just screaming something like “Oh dear Celestia, my face.” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” Well, sometimes it took them a little bit of time. And then he hit a wall, because he had been flying at top speed, and somepony had hit him with an electric guitar like they thought it was a bat and his face a baseball. BOOM! “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” And then he fell to the floor. Silence. “OH, DEAR CELESTIA, MY FACE!” he screamed. “Hahah!” a voice chirped. “Took your time! You always gotta respect the classics.” Money Bags opened his eyes wide and got up. The pain disappeared almost immediately, because it turns out that being in absolute shock can be good once in a while. “YOU?!” he yelled, looking at the pony in front of him and trying his best not to sound as scared as he was. He failed. “Woah.” Pinkie Pie shifted her grip on the neck of the electric guitar and rested it on her shoulder. “You sound absolutely scared.” She grinned. “I love that! Isn’t it fun?” “YOU HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH A GUITAR!” “Actually, it was a ukulele swing.” Pinkie shrugged. “I couldn’t get a ukulele in time, though, so I figured this one would play the part. What do you think?” “WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?!” Pinkie blinked. “Monster? ” She frowned and looked at her hooves. “I am not a monster, I’m a pony, you silly! Chimeras or dragons are monsters. But me? I’m just Pinkie!” “I LITERALLY RAN PAST YOU THREE MINUTES AGO, HOW ON EQUESTRIA CAN YOU BE HERE ALREADY?!” “Well, I obviously chased after you because you hurt Fluttershy! That was a mean thing to do.” “IT’S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO BE HERE! YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE THERE TO WHACK ME WITH THAT GUITAR!” Silence. Pinkie spun the guitar on her hooves. “Well,” she said, “I think the standard explanation to that is that…” she smirked. “I am very whacky.” Silence. Money Bags squinted. “Okay, you were very creepy before, but this is just stupid.” “Joke’s on you, I’ve been waiting for that pun for a long time.” “…Okay, I’ll admit I kind of walked straight into tha—YOU HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH A GUITAR!” “With a ukulele swing,” Pinkie repeated. “It’s very different! And hey, don’t be that dramatic!” Pinkie snorted. “It’s just your face, it’s no biggie! You should have seen what Applejack did to the guards who caught her.” “But how—?” “Well, Twilight gave us three hours,” Pinkie said. “That’s more than enough for Applejack to have a little fun and then find us. I told Twilight she could probably stall you for a long time, and she really did a great job there!” Money Bags shook his head. “Wait a moment,” he said. “She was stalling me?” “Of course she was!” Pinkie replied, chuckling. “That was the plan all along! Seeing how much you talk about security, I knew you would want Twilight to explain everything to you. Planning heists is fun!” “YOUR PLAN WAS TO BLOW UP MY OFFICE AND RUN AWAY!” Pinkie arched an eyebrow. “Um. Well, that’s right, I guess. But there was more than—” “Pinkie!” Twilight’s voice came from downstairs. “Pinkie, did you get him?!” “With a guitar swung like a ukulele!” Pinkie replied, looking downstairs. “He’s right next to—!” Nyoooooom! “Okay, correction: he was right next to me!” Almost there, Money Bags thought. His face tickled a little bit. Maybe it was the air against his muzzle, maybe it was the horrible concussion. Didn’t really matter. Money Bags was dead tired, but he was finally getting out of the private part of the casino. Once he was again surrounded by nobleponies, he could get lost in the crowd easily, and then he’d think of something. No more guards, but surely he could at least— The door! Money Bags stopped in midair for a second and caught his breath. The exit was there! He could get away, and— Somepony was blocking the exit. Money Bags frowned and landed on all fours, locking eyes with the mare in front of him. “You,” he muttered. “Me,” Rarity replied. She was leaning against the closed door with her forelegs crossed in front of her chest. She was wearing a black top hat, her coat was colored a pale grey, and her mouth was curled up in a smile. Silence. Rarity fluttered her eyelashes. Blink. Blink. Blink. I’m pretty! “Not gonna work this time!” Money Bags said, stomping on the floor. “Don’t get in my way!” “Oh, of course.” Rarity nodded, although she didn’t move from the door. “But you do realize you’ve lost, right? There’s nothing you can do." She smiled. “Pinkie and Twilight read you like a book, didn’t they? Everything went exactly the way we planned.” A pause. “Not going to lie: that’s really creepy. It’s not like Pinkie wasn’t creepy before, but this is just—” “Celestia, I know, right?” Money Bags shivered. “She teleported and hit me in the face with an electric guitar!” “What?” Rarity cocked her head to the side. “She brought the guitar all the way down?” “No.” Money Bags shook his head. “I mean, that’s the creepy part. I’m absolutely sure she left it here. I saw her break it against one of my bulky guards’ neck.” “Then where did she get that second guitar from?” “I have no idea.” “Hmm.” Rarity scratched her chin. “I am so glad she’s on our team, honestly. Pinkie’s a darling, but there are things a mere mortal should not toy with.” “How can you sleep at night, with that pony in—” Money Bags blinked. “Wait a moment. Enough with the chit-chat!” He pointed an accusatory hoof at Rarity. He kind of looked like a lawyer in the middle of a trial while doing so, which obviously meant he looked twice as evil. “You’re bluffing! There’s no way you could have planned everything!” “Well, rather obviously, we blew up the majority of the Canterlot sewer system by accident.” Rarity waved a hoof. “Dash’s incompetence, as always. That aside, I’m afraid to say I don’t really need to bluff, dear.” “Hah!” Money Bags crossed his legs. “You won’t fool me, mare! Now step aside from that door, or I’ll tackle you like I tackled your friends!” Rarity’s eyes got wide. “You tackled Applejack?!” “What? No! Do you think I’m suicidal?” Money Bags waved a hoof. “I went against Fluttershy. I mean, I’m not crazy.” Rarity’s lips formed a perfect “O”, but she made no sound. “I seriously don’t get why you took her in your team, really.” Money Bags looked behind him. Still no sound from Twilight or the others. “She’s been absolutely useless until now.” Silence. Rarity sighed and stepped away from the door. “Well, then. I believe I’ve suffered enough physical damage for a lifetime, thank you very much.” She frowned. “My hooficure’s all but ruined.” Money Bags stopped in mid-step. “Wait.” He looked at her. “You went into the sewers with a hooficure?” “If you can’t be elegant a hundred percent of the time, you are not elegant at all!” Rarity pressed a hoof against her chest and squinted. “I always look good!” Money Bags shot her a sideways glance as he grabbed the door handle. “I can tell,” he muttered. Then he blinked. “Wait a second.” He looked at her again. “Didn’t you fall all the way down to my office before? You don’t look the part.” “Please, darling.” Rarity gave a very ladylike snort. “You gave us three free hours. I had more than enough time to fix myself up a little bit.” Money Bags shrugged and opened the door. The public part of the casino was in front of him. He took a step outside… And then he noticed it. There was something strange about the casino. It was… “Completely silent,” Rarity said behind him. He turned around and looked at her, and saw she was smiling. “Even when there’s nopony in this particular part of the casino, you can always hear the noises they make while gambling, right?” Money Bags gulped. “Oh, dear. Don’t tell me the casino is…” “Completely empty,” Rarity finished. “Everypony has been safely evacuated. As I said, you gave us three hours. We can do far more than just fix my makeup in three hours, Mister Money Bags.” “Rarity!” Twilight’s voice, from somewhere below them. “Is he there?” “Yes, but I can’t really stall him that much longer!” Rarity answered, never looking away from Money Bags. “Quick, girls, he’s escaping!” “On it!” “No crowds to hide in, Mister Money Bags.” Rarity smirked at him. “Let’s see if you can run from them.” The casino was, as Rarity had said, completely empty. Not a soul in there. It was the second creepiest thing Money Bags had seen in the building, but at least Rarity wasn’t following him. And Twilight and Applejack were nowhere to be seen, either. The fact that those two had managed to catch up to him in so little time made him feel uneasy. Sure, Princess Twilight had wings, but she didn’t look like a good flier. And Money Bags, like any good economist out there, had gone through special training to flee from threats as fast as possible. Ponies usually disliked economists, after all. But still, it’s not like everything was lost, he thought as he flew straight into the gambling section. The always-busy slot machines were as quiet as a very lazy necromancer’s cemetery. Twilight and her friends could try to bluff as much as they wanted, but there was no way they would— “‘Sup.” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” Money Bags yelped like a mime sprayed with holy water. Which is not exactly a good thing to do while flying as fast as one can. His wings froze for a second, and as a result, Money Bags landed with the gracefulness of a rock being thrown into a lake. He rolled for a couple meters until finally a slot machine stopped him, and he stood there, groaning and feeling dizzy, for a second or two. “Wow,” the same voice that had startled him said. “That was so lame.” It was, of course, Rainbow Dash. Wearing a top hat and looking at him with a smirk. “Now I gotta deal with you?! What the everloving ponyfeathers are you even doing here?!” Money Bags screamed, getting up and fixing his tie, spitting a little with every word. “Are you girls just waiting for me in random parts of the casino or something? Is that some kind of layered vengeance you’re having on me?!” “Yeah. Pretty much.” “AT LEAST TAKE IT SERIOUSLY ENOUGH TO DENY IT!” “What happened to your face?” Dash pointed at the space between his eyes. “You look like you’ve been hit in the head with a—” “Guitar,” Money Bags interrupted, squinting. His face still tingled. He figured it was going to hurt a lot the next day. “Your pink friend.” “I was actually going to say ‘ukulele’ here.” She took a look around. “Anyway, what do you think of what we’ve done to the place? Cool, huh?” Money Bags tched. “You got the nobleponies out. So?” “What do you mean, ‘so’?” Dash smirked. “You can’t hide from us! You’re the only green pegasus in here, buddy! You’re trapped!” “Yes, and you and your friends have been desperately trying to make it look like you have a plan for a while now.” Money Bags shook his head and flew away towards the exit. Making it look like it took her no effort, Dash caught up to his side in less than a second. “And you’re not even half as creepy as the pink one,” he said. “Okay, to be fair, nopony’s as creepy as Pinkie.” Dash shivered. “She’s an awesome friend, but I’m so glad we’re on her team.” She blinked. “Also, hey! We’re not bluffing! In fact, we kinda planned this as the part in which we show you how we’ve planned everything and laugh in your face.” Dash pointed at his face. “ Hah. Hah. Hah. See? It’s essential in any good heist.” THE PART WHERE WE SHOW HIM HOW WE’VE PLANNED EVERYTHING AND LAUGH AT HIS FACE “Do you seriously need to carry that all the time?” Spike shrugged. “I’m just following orders.” “Sure you do,” Money Bags said. They were flying towards the main door. “And yet, even Rarity admitted that you had, in fact, not planned everything. You’re obviously lying.” “Okay, I’ll admit anytime that the part where we turned into spiders wasn’t planned,” Dash said. “That was just weird. But that aside, we got everything from the very first moment!” Money Bags snorted. “Your plan was about getting in from the sewers, and then get out. You and Rarity shouldn’t have gone upstairs at any moment. You blew up my office.” Dash frowned. “What, and you thought that wasn’t according to plan?” Silence. Money Bags stopped in midair and stared at Dash. “What?” “I mean, Twilight’s a genius,” Dash said, shrugging. “One look at the sewers, and she could safely say that we couldn’t blow up a hole in there without destroying the office completely. We knew from the start that that was a way in, but not a way out.” “But…” Money Bags frowned. “But Rarity said you blew up the sewers by accident!” “Ah.” Dash blushed a little and scratched the back of her neck. “Heheh. The sewers. Yeah. I might have overdone the whole explosive-cake thing a little bit.” She frowned. “But hey, who’s to judge? Have you ever tried to detonate stuff with sweets? It’s hard!” “But…” Money Bags shook his head. “I would have heard an explosion strong enough to blow up my office.. What kind of plan is that?” Dash arched an eyebrow. “You didn’t hear it?” “Well, no.” Money Bags looked to the side. “I mistook it for a firework. You got lucky.” “Of course we didn’t!” Dash rolled her eyes and crossed her legs. “You seriously thought a guy shot fireworks inside this place like that, just by chance? Didn’t you see Fireworks Guy up close?” Silence. Money Bags stared. Dash shook her head. “I’ll give you a clue: he has a mullet. An awesome mullet. The slickest mullet you’ve ever seen.” Silence. Money Bags stared a little more. “Doesn’t ring a bell?” Dash bit her lip. “Hmmm. He’s always holding a soda can. What about that?” Silence. Money Bags’ eyes got wide. “No,” he whispered. “Yes.” “No!” “Yes.” “NO!” “Yyyyessh.” “You got Soda Guy on your side?!” Money Bags pressed his hooves against his eyes. “That doesn’t make any sense! He worked for me! He was an important employee! How on Equestria—” “Pinkie makes a very good soda.” Dash nodded to herself. “Easiest pony to manipulate ever.” “No, that makes no sense!” Money Bags shook his head and flew to the main door. He got there in thirty seconds, and Dash landed right before him shortly afterwards. “I refuse to believe you planned anything like that! It was just a fluke!” he said, trying to open the door. Completely useless. The thing was as locked as it could be. Money Bags himself had closed it after letting the watermelonian guards in, in fact. He looked for the key in his pockets, but there was no use. He had probably lost it while flying upstairs, he thought. “Sure it was, buddy. Sure it was.” Dash snorted. “We get in here, Applejack disguises herself as Rarity, you trap Twilight… Everything was planned from the start!” “And yet, even if what you say is true, you’ve still lost!” Money Bags turned to Dash and bared his teeth. “You’ve got nothing on me, and—!” “Dash!” Twilight’s voice came from their right. Both Money Bags and Rainbow turned around, and, yes—Princess Twilight was there, flying towards them. Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie were running right behind her. “Dash, you got him! Good job!” “Of course I caught him!” Dash replied, grinning. “I’m awesome!” “Oh, come on!” Money Bags looked around, but there was nowhere to run—if the exit was locked, there was no point at all, and Twilight and company were already next to him anyway. “It’s literally impossible for you to be here already! How did you even make it out of the stairs in so little—” “Gravity spell,” Twilight interrupted. Money Bags blinked. “What?” “It’s not the first time I’ve had to face a lot of stairs,” Twilight said, shrugging. “A shame Rarity didn’t know that spell, though.” “Yes.” Rarity narrowed her eyes at Twilight. “Rub it in, would you.” “Look, I already said I’m sorry for not thinking about it earlier!” Twilight replied. “Really, really sorry!” “Nowhere to run, hmm?” Applejack got really close to Money Bags and pressed her chest against him. “Not so brave now, are you?” “Um.” Money Bags took a step back. “Uuum. You can’t punch me.” “Ah can’t? Funny, Ah thought you were runnin’ because—” “Nope.” Money Bags raised a hoof and looked at Applejack eye to eye. “Look, this has been an amazing ride, and I hope you all have had as much fun as possible, but it’s officially over.” He took another step back and looked at all of them. “You’ve successfully scared me, and I’ve probably lost a lot of money today, but that’s it. I’ve had enough.” He looked at the door. “Now unlock that, and let me—” BLAM! Money Bags never got to finish his sentence. The door had been opened. By a kick. And at the other side, his leg still up, was a baby dragon. “Woah,” he muttered, looking at his foot. “It actually worked?” “I told you, Spike!” Pinkie said, grinning at him. “Pinkicks always work!” “Spike!” “Spikey!” “You got here just at the right moment, sugarcube.” “Awesome entrance!” “Heheh.” Spike blushed a little and put his foot down. “Aw, shucks. Glad to see you too, girls.” Then he looked at Money Bags. “And I suppose you’re the bad guy?” “And you’re the useless dragon,” Money Bags replied, arching an eyebrow at him. Spike was as tall as his chest. Not exactly as menacing as he had imagined. “Actually, the title is ‘Dashing Mailbox’.” “And what is he doing here, exactly?” Money Bags looked at Twilight. “You’re going to tell me this was part of the plan, too? I was right all along when I got suspicious about him?” “Why, of course.” Rarity waved a hoof and patted Spike’s head. “Spikey was essential to the plan for the very beginning!” “You weren’t the only one being stalled, Money Bags,” Twilight said, smiling. “Three hours is a long time. And once he knew our little talk was over, he made his final move.” Spike smirked and pointed at the door. “I brought the cavalry.” The ground trembled with the sound of stomping hooves. The Royal Guard had arrived. There’s a funny sensation one gets when being stared at by the Royal Guards of Canterlot. They’re the crème de la crème when it comes to Equestria’s security forces, which probably means that they’re pretty useless. But they’re tough, mean-looking, and they all more or less look the exact freaking same, which is extremely unsetting. It takes more than some guts and some golden armor to be accepted into the Royal Guards. Real results aside, they’re expected to protect the Princesses, and for that same reason they’re far better than any normal pony when it comes to a face-to-face fight. Sure, the key here, again, is ‘normal’. After seeing what Applejack had done to his personal guards, Money Bags wasn’t exactly scared of the Royal Guards. But that didn’t matter. He smiled as he saw the white ponies fill his precious casino and stare down at him like one would stare at a cockroach on top of two more cockroaches. The Royal Guards were far more than mere brute force. They represented authority—that was the important part. “My, what a smart move on your part!” Money Bags said when all the Royal Guards were finally inside. Spike had brought around two dozen of them. “I’m so glad you did this, Spike!” Then he closed his eyes and cleared his throat with a cough. When he talked again, he put as much authority as possible in his voice. “Guards,” he said, pointing at Princess Twilight, “please, arrest them.” “What?!” “What in the name of—” “Arrest her?” The Captain of the Royal Guards, easily recognizable because he was the one talking and literally for no other reason whatsoever, frowned and shook his head. “No, Money Bags. We’re here to take you.” “Oh, I’m sure of that,” Money Bags said, nodding. “And yet, I’m absolutely sure that you’re going to take her. And her meddling friends. And her little dragon, too.” “Hey!” Pinkie raised a hoof to her chest. “I’m not a meddler! I have no idea what that means, but I’m sure I’m not one!” “Um.” Rarity looked at Pinkie. “It means you’re annoying and interfere with others.” “Oh.” A pause. “Okay, yeah, then we’re all meddlers. But Spike is not little!” “You’re in my casino,” Money Bags continued, glaring daggers at Princess Twilight. “You’ve caused countless instances of property damage, and all my personal security guards are knocked out because of your extremely illegal assault.” Applejack frowned. “It was self-defense!” “I’m a hundred percent sure what you did does not count as self-defense, by any definition of the word,” Money Bags said, snorting. “On the other hoof, what I did was just send the guards after a group of terrorists who tried to attack me and everything this casino stands for.” He ran a hoof through his mane. “I’m sure that you are not above justice, Princess, no matter what your title is.” “We’re here to arrest you for crimes against Equestria,” the Captain of the Royal Guards said. “We, uh. We heard you were going to attack Manehattan, and—” “And you have absolutely no proof of that,” Money Bags interrupted, glaring at the Captain, “because they blew up my office and every single document in there. Documents, I may add, that you could not use in a trial anyway, because without a warrant, you don’t have the authority to get them legally. Meanwhile, I have countless witnesses that say that, indeed, Princess Twilight and her friends destroyed my casino and committed probably every crime in existence while doing so.” He pointed at Twilight again. “Now, arrest her.” Silence. The Royal Guards looked at each other. “What?” Money Bags asked, frowning. “You thought it was as easy as this? The law is how it is, and—wait a second.” He blinked and looked at Twilight again. “Oh. Oh, no. You’re smirking.” Twilight looked to the side and raised a hoof to cover her smirk. “I’m not,” she said. “Oh, no.” He looked at the rest. “Oh, dear Celestia, you’re all smirking! Even that guard there!” Everypony looked at the guard, who flushed. “Um,” he muttered, “sorry, I have no idea what’s going on. I was just laughing at the wasps on Princess Twilight’s dress. That one is making a lewd gesture.” “Oh. Okay, that’s understandab—why are you smirking?!” Money Bags’ voice became high-pitched. He sounded like a suffocating breezie. “There’s no reason for you all to be smirking! You can’t possibly tell me you planned this too!” “YEAH!” And that was it. Money Bags’ empire ended not with a bang, but with ten ponies, each with a million pounds of muscle, screaming exactly at the same time. Everything seemed to freeze as they all turned around to face the newcomers—the watermelonian guards were there, looking as muscular as ever. One of them was carrying an obscenely big bag of gold. And in front of them, rocking a small but sincere smile, was none other than Fluttershy. “And the Ninja,” Pinkie Pie whispered, her eyes sparkling like a mountain made entirely out of nitroglycerin, “makes her move.” “What in the name of…?” Money Bags blinked a couple times before shaking his head and looking again. Fluttershy wasn’t merely walking in front of the guards—she was guiding them. “What are you doing here? You all got knocked out!” “Oh, of course they didn’t!” Fluttershy said, turning to face the watermelonian crew. “They were just a little dizzy. Isn’t that right?” “YEAH!” “Yes it is!” Fluttershy smiled even harder and clapped twice. “Who’s a good boy?” “WE ARE!” “Yes you are!” Fluttershy said, nodding. “You’re all very good boys!” “TEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!” “Oh, ponyfeathers,” Money Bags whispered, covering his mouth with a hoof. “She’s seduced them?! Half of them are female!” “Yeah.” Dash snorted. “Like that matters.” “She hasn’t seduced anypony!” Pinkie said. “She just helped them out of their magical sleep! Right?” “YEAH!” “It’s just that Fluttershy’s a naturally kind pony,” Applejack said. “She’s very shy, but when an animal is in danger, there ain’t no pony like her.” “Plus, I already told you,” Twilight said. “Fluttershy gets along really well with the muscular guy in Ponyville.” “And we already knew you had special, muscular guards,” Rarity chimed. “Because you told me absolutely everything related to the casino’s security.” “But…” Money Bags was pale as a ghost with anemia. Drops of sweat ran down his forehead. “But…” he whispered. "They’re my guards…” “They’re also our friends now,” Twilight said. “And I’m willing to bet you anything that Fluttershy’s made a more meaningful relationship with them in twenty minutes than anything you’ve done in the last two years.” “And they heard everything you said to Twilight!” Pinkie said. “You confessed your crimes, didn’t you?” Money Bags got even paler, somehow. “TEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!” “So,” Fluttershy said, looking at the watermelonian guards with puppy eyes, “are you going to testify against Money Bags?” “YEAH!” “And you saw what Applejack and Dash did… That was self-defense, right?” “YEAH!” “The only bad guy here is Money Bags, right?” “YEAH!” Fluttershy clapped again. “Very good!” she said. “You’re being so nice!” “TEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!” “There’s something seriously disturbing about this picture, sir,” one of the Royal Guards whispered to the captain. “Seeeriously disturbing.” “Sorry, what? I keep getting distracted by that obscenely huge bag of gold.” “But…” Money Bags looked down. “But… The other guards…” “Pretty sure they won’t talk, fella,” Applejack said. “Made sure of that, myself.” “Yeah. And the nobleponies thought this was all a Pfrench thing.” Dash chuckled. “And even without that, good luck getting them to say anything against Princess Twilight.” “The kitchen ponies are all friends of mine now!” Pinkie chimed. “But that’s not fair!” Money Bags screamed. He turned towards Twilight and looked her straight in the eyes. His voice was trembling. “You’re not playing by the rules! You’re denying me my—” “Of course we’re not playing by the rules, Money Bags,” Twilight interrupted. Her friends, plus Spike and the watermelonian guards, stood right behind her, in V-formation. She let a smile creep to her face. “Why would we? We’re committing a heist.” “Uh. Princess?” The Captain frowned. “Did you just admit that you committed a crime?” “Nope. It must have been your imagination.” “Oh. Well, that makes sense.” Money Bags didn’t reply. He just looked down, and sat on the floor. His guards, gone. The nobleponies wouldn’t help him. He had no witnesses. Twilight and her friends had stormed the casino, broken the law, and destroyed everything he’d built from scratch. And, just because they were friends with the ponies who should be loyal to him, they were going to leave unscathed. He’d been defeated with friendship. “I still have money,” he whispered. He wasn’t frowning. His expression was completely neutral. When he looked at Twilight, his face was calm and composed. “I can get out of this. This is not over.” “Woah.” Pinkie frowned and crossed her legs. “That’s the most cliché thing you could have said.” “Indeed it is,” Twilight said, nodding. “You’re very disappointing, Money Bags.” “Shouldn’t that be, like, a clue?” Dash asked, looking at the Royal Guards. “I mean, he just admitted he’s going to use his money to get away with his crimes.” “Actually, it is,” the Captain said. “Obvious Evilness is an aggravating circumstance. Now he’s facing three more years in the dungeons.” Money Bags rolled his eyes. “Jail doesn’t matter,” he said. “Sooner or later, I’ll be out. And when I get out—” “Two more years,” interrupted the Captain. “Uh.” Money Bags blinked. “Um. You haven’t seen the last of—!” “Three extra months, and you’ll have to clean the prison toilets.” “NO, PRINCESS, I AM YOUR FATH—” “You’ll be in the same cell as the smelly inmate.” “Okay.” Money Bags looked at the Captain. “Can I say anything without worsening my situation?” “Not really.” The Captain shrugged. “And if you kick a dog or laugh maniacally on top of everything you’ve said, we don’t even need to give you a fair trial.” “Darn,” Applejack muttered, “Ah love justice.” “Oh come on! Cut me some slack.” Money Bags made a pout. “Can’t I at least glare at them? Like, menacingly. Maybe mutter a ‘I’ll be back!’ or something?” “Hmmm.” The Captain scratched his cheek. “I guess. But you can only do it while we drag you out. And you need to specify that you will be back in a non-evil way.” “What? Non-evil?” “That’s the standard route, yes.” The Captain shrugged. “You rot in jail while they have another adventure with a more evil, more powerful enemy, and at some point you come back.” “Either as a comic relief, or as an ally that might as well be the actual hero,” a second guard said, poking his head from behind the Captain. “But officially you won’t be because the other characters are more popular.” “Maybe add some love tension in there to spice things up a little bit,” the Captain said. “That usually works.” “Ugh.” Money Bags waved a hoof. “No way I’m going to do that.” “I’m sorry, son.” The Captain broadened his shoulders. “But that’s how the law works in this kingdom!” “Not like anything of any sort of value is lost, anyway,” the other guard said. “Second adventures are never as good as the first ones.” “That one is true,” the Captain said. “Now, let’s end this pantomime already.” He turned around and walked to the door, not bothering to look at Money Bags one last time. “Take him, boys.” The Royal Guards obeyed. And as they dragged him out the casino, Money Bags glared daggers and Twilight and friends. “I’ll be back! And not as a plucky comic relief!” “You know,” one of the guards dragging him said, “just because of those last seven words, I can safely assure you that there’s no way you’re coming back.” With that, they were out of the casino. And that was the end of Money Bags. Or at least, it was the beginning of the end, Twilight thought as they walked towards the house they’d bought, completely exhausted by the three hours they had spent with the Royal Guards. Answering questions, filling out legal forms, explaining what they had seen, lying about the whole “illegal” thing… “I don’t know how they managed,” Dash said, “but somehow, the Royal Guards’ bureaucracy was worse than the explosion in the sewers.” “Speak for yourself,” Rarity said, narrowing her eyes. “I’m absolutely dying for a hot shower and some relaxing after all this! I’m sure Canterlot has some magnificent spas out there.” “You can’t go to a spa, Rarity!” Pinkie turned around to face her, a pout on her face. “We need to celebrate this! Everything went according to plan!” “For once, I’m with Boss,” Twilight said, smiling. “Don’t you all feel like having a party, if only a little?” “A small party would be nice,” Fluttershy muttered. “Well, some quiet time between friends, with drinks and nice chatting…” Rarity said. “Maybe a lil’ bit of cider?” Applejack said. “It won’t be as good as the one we make in Sweet Apple Acres, but Ah’ve heard good things about Canterlot’s apples…” “We can play card games!” Dash said as she landed. They were already in front of the house. The sky was dark and full of stars, and for a moment, they all looked at it, and smiled. “We had so much fun!” Pinkie said. “I knew robbing a bank would be a good idea!” “It was a casino, Pinkie.” “Oh, you know what I mean.” She smiled, and her lips curled so much her smile looked like the half-moon in the sky. “And you know what the best part is, girls?” They all looked at her. Spike coughed. “Ah. Sorry. You know what the best part is, girls and Spike?” She grabbed the door handle and opened the door. “SURPRISE!” The lights inside of the house lit up at once, and suddenly there was confetti everywhere. They were all inside the house, surrounded by drinks, food, and games—the schoolfilly stallion, Chocolate Pudding, the jerk cook, Orange Swirl, the young noblemare, the watermelonian guards, the Soda Guy… All of them, party hats on their heads, looking at them and smiling. The Soda Guy was the first one to the door. He stood in front of Pinkie and bowed. “Master,” he said after taking a sip from his soda, “I hope you’ll enlighten me with your wisdom tonight, once again.” Silence. “Oh, of course!” Pinkie patted his head and smiled. “That’s a weird way to say ‘soda’ though.” “How…?” Applejack frowned and looked at Pinkie. “Did you do this?” “Yeah!” “But… You had no time to—” “I believe the standard explanation,” the schoolfilly stallion said, smiling at them, “is that the miss is ‘very wacky’.” “And that’s all you’ll ever get!” Pinkie said, laughing and entering the house. “Come on, girls! And Spike! Enough worry; let’s party!” Twilight, Applejack, Spike, Fluttershy, Dash, and Rarity looked at each other. Then they shrugged. They smiled. And they partied. Author's Note Real comment from one of the proofreaders after reading this chapter: "Did it ever run through your head that you made this fic too gay?"
EpilogueView OnlineCrime and FunishmentEpilogue“Ah. Canterlot is amazing, but there’s no place like Ponyville, is there?” Rarity said, taking a sip of tea. “I couldn’t agree with you more,” Twilight replied. They were back where they started, sitting inside Twilight’s library and drinking tea. A couple weeks had passed since they had come back from Canterlot, and the news of Money Bags’ arrest and incoming trial had taken Equestria by storm. Everypony was talking about it—and of course, the fact that the Elements of Harmony had been the ones taking care of it put him in the Evil Monsters Gallery, right next to Chrysalis and Discord. “A shame we need to go to Canterlot again so soon,” Twilight said, sipping her tea. “They can’t convict Money Bags without us.” “And speaking of Canterlot—Did Princess Celestia ever reply to your letter?” Rarity said, resting her elbows on the table and eyeing Twilight. “You never told us.” “Oh, of course she did. Very quickly, in fact.” Twilight chuckled. “She thanked us for the service we’ve done for Equestria, and said she’s going to make sure Money Bags Enterprises is in good hooves.” She sighed. “She also asked me to read a little bit of economic theory, because I might end up with the job.” “What?” Rarity frowned. “Really?” “Right now, with Money Bags out, the one in control of all the banks and the casino is Money Bags’ big sister.” “He has a sister?” “Yeah.” Twilight shrugged. “She wants to sell, though. And Fancy Pants and my family are more or less the only ones who can buy it. Celestia is going to talk with Fancy Pants, and depending on how it goes…” “But you don’t want any of that, right?” Spike asked. He was also sitting at the table, chewing an emerald. “You told me it would be a hassle.” “I would certainly be relieved if Fancy Pants took the offer instead, yes.” Twilight sighed and took a sip of tea. “But we’re the ones who took him down, so it’s our responsibility.” “We’re all dealing with the consequences, aren’t we?” Rarity said, tapping her hoof on the table. Twilight frowned. “Is Rainbow running late?” “What?” “Oh. No, nothing.” Twilight shook her head. “What were you saying?” “Well…” Rarity shrugged. “Fluttershy suddenly has an army of bodybuilders at her disposal. And she keeps saying she returned all that money, but I don’t remember her cottage’s door being made of pure gold.” “It was made of diamonds at first,” Spike said. “But I ate it on accident.” “Dash and Applejack now know the taste of blood, and I can’t look at them in the eye without feeling a chill run down my back.” Rarity shivered. “I had a nightmare about it the other day, in fact.” “Oh, yeah.” Twilight took a sip of her tea. “Celestia mentioned that in her letter.” “She did?” “Apparently Luna is seeing a therapist now. She has panic attacks every time she sees a guitar and nobleponies dancing rock ’n roll.” Twilight frowned. “Apparently, that’s far more common a sight than you’d imagine. And Spike still feels the aftermath of all the ice-cream he ate.” “Absolutely worth it,” Spike muttered. “Also,” Rarity continued, her mouth curled up in a smile, “I’m glad to say that our little gig did wonders for Carousel Boutique! Half of Canterlot is buying my clothes! I haven’t been this busy in ages!” “You’re busy?” Spike asked, arching an eyebrow. “Then how come you’re here, drinking tea with us? Shouldn’t you be working?” Silence. Rarity avoided their gazes. “Well. Um. I, uh, I can explain that…” “You know, Rarity,” Twilight said, smiling a little, “I’m sorry to say this, but I kind of see now why your business is such a fail—” BLAM! Rarity, Spike, and Twilight jumped in surprise and turned around. Standing by the door—which had been locked, of course—was Pinkie Pie, with a smile as bright as a bunch of pearls in front of a house on fire. “Twilight!” she said. “We’re overthrowing the government!” Author's Note Not teasing a sequel, mind you. I just like closing stories like one closes a circle.
