The Lost Hero King of the Universe

Chapters

Hi My Name Is...
Dollar Eye Twinkling
Fate of Man is Equal to the Fate of Lice

Hi My Name Is...

Heh heh hi. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say here but I guess I should introduce myself; my name is Book End, or it is now. The name I was given at birth was Glory Rider: not very subtle I know, my father was captain of the guard Storm Rider and his wife Celestial Beauty were a real sight to behold… which is why I ran away. See since I was just a kid I always had this sneaking suspicion that something was going to happen: something horribly unnecessary and stupid. Everywhere I turned it was obvious, every story book I’d ever read, the symptoms were all around me. Perfect family equals perfect son, equals perfect hero for saving Equestria and I’m not having it.

I was born with a red and gold mane… that was the first thing that had to go, I like my mane, I really do but I’m not about to suffer for it so I dyed it black and cut it real short. Pristine marble colored coat? Not on my watch, my coat is now brown, simple brown. Of course I was born a unicorn: my father was a pegasus and my mother an earth pony so I’m a unicorn because it makes sense… somewhere else, where forced attributes are necessary. Here in lies the only thing I actually allow myself, in a unique sense; I wear my proudly short, black mane in a pompadour to cover my horn. I was skeptical at first, wouldn’t the haircut attract attention? Maybe but I gambled and wouldn’t you know it keeps other ponies away from me, praise the sun. No one knows I’m a unicorn, just an earth pony with a weird hair do. Here comes the tricky part my cutie mark: I got my cutie mark… it’s a freaking quasar, those super powered celestial events? Yep right on my flank. Why? I literally have no clue. For crying out loud I wasn’t even doing anything when I got it, I was reading a book, not even an exciting one. It was a manual; I was learning how to bind a book. Then bam quasar, I don’t even know what it means. So I stayed home for a little bit, had everything shipped to me. I didn’t leave the house until I perfected something utterly wonderful: tights with a cutie mark printed on them. Had to work long and hard to make it match my coat, in texture and color, but now everybody thinks my cutie mark is a book mark and that’s great.

My disguise perfect I had to find a way to make a living that wouldn’t lead me into battle or shenanigans. What could possibly steer me so far away from excitement? Writing and when I say writing I basically mean taking what someone else wrote, writing a copy and adding it to the files. This isn’t the kind of work where I’ll be handed a secret documents or scroll that I’ll have to keep safe with my life, I write tedious things which for me couldn’t be better. Where pray tell is this magical, or should I say magic devoid, place that can keep me safe from adventure and mishap? Why Whinnysotta my new potential friend and why Whinnysotta? Let me answer that with a question: have you ever heard of Whinnysotta? The answer is of course no, nothing happens here, nothing exciting, groundbreaking, or life changing. I go to work every day, relax on weekends with a horror novel or sleep or maybe some music. My house was made not so long ago that there could be a secret passage, ghost, or mystery but not new enough that I had a land dispute with the local crazy land mogul.

Yes sir or madam I have set everything in perfect motion for an easygoing life free of any destiny, prophesy, or other wildness. Now my closest friend, yeah I also don’t keep many friends cause y’know… friendship is magic and such, you might be asking yourself or me “Why would anybody not want to be a hero, king, crime solver, stallion of romance, or lovable buffoon?”. Well first have to tell you you’re sort of a jerk for trying to push me towards something I don’t want, you keep this up and we won’t be friends for very long, but put on your thinking face and give it some serious thought. What do main characters get in stories? Seriously, think about all the stories you’ve ever read: happy ending, sad ending, death, stupid unsatisfying ending, romantic ending, pyritic ending, obvious ending that was pushed onwards because the audience didn’t want it to go away so the writer caved in and made more when the ending we all deserved was literally in front of us and the masses didn’t realize until they took a long hard look at where the series was going and thought, “Wait how is this actually going to end now. What have we done?”, or the most terrifying of all… a sequel set up. Yeah, happy ending sounds good right? Getting everything you wanted and everything working out in the end but notice happy ending is only one of many possible endings and the others aren’t great… especially the sequel, if I get stuck in a sequel I’d lose it. I’d rather be in a boring existence than a crappy story, there I said it.

See this is why we’re friends cause you’re not in it for the fame and the fortune or my misery. You’re here to share my boring life with me and I’m really grateful for that, not enough ponies or assorted creatures, I’m no racist, are willing to do that. I’m willing to forget about you pushing me towards a destiny I don’t want cause that’s all in the past now. As a matter of fact tomorrow is my one year anniversary working for the Bland Brand Company, I’ve seen other ponies get their celebration: there’s vanilla cake, a nice quiet office party at lunch, possibly apple cider, and maybe a gold watch. It’s a nice quiet thing and then back to work, it’s gonna be great and then I come home relax and sleep away my days. Everything is as it should be.

Do you ever get the feeling you’re about to be written into a string of clichés?

Author's Note

I've been gone a while, life has left me little time to write but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things hopefully with a new story. Still not very good at the "make it look pretty" part but I hope it's enjoyed. Unfortunately some other stories have to be put on the back burner until I can get a feel for them again but I hope to make this one more regular.

Dollar Eye Twinkling

“Everything is set, my saddlebags have everything I need, my coat is brown, my mane is black, my cutie mark is a book mark, and all is right with my world”, the stallion proudly declared to himself.

At the threshold of his home he began the day like every other, on the guard for abnormalities. Finally he mustered the courage and set out for his life changing jour- work.
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Yeah, in case you’re wondering I’m still not gonna do anything great. Gonna go to work, have my little party and come home and rest, then the whole shebang again.

“See everything is all set… up.”

Walking into the break room I noticed a distinct lack of modest streamers that adorned the small room when there was a celebration. No disposable plates or napkins left out, no cups, no cooler of apple cider. Look I’m not greedy but this was something I was actually looking forward to and this is my one year with the company I’m sure of it, I even made as far as to make sure that I would get one for working here a year, heck they even do this for the janitor. The break room was empty though, no nothing, and that’s pretty messed up if you ask me.

“Hey Janice, wasn’t there supposed to be a party today? I could have sworn…”

“No” the grey tuft of hair groaned from behind her desk, “I’m in charge of parties and office snacks, I didn’t get told nothing so there is nothing but the boss does want a word with you”

I swallowed hard and took my leave. My boss he’s not a bad guy I swear; well he floats between office friend and insane money grubber. You never knew what you’re going to get when you stepped into his office, a pat on the back and a raise or a long winded speech about his love for money. It’s not a hyperbole to say this guy can write hours upon hours of poetry about his love for money.

Our office is bland, when I say bland I mean bland. Picture the blandest little office building you possibly can and then imagine a place that makes that little slice productivity look like Canterlot at the Summer Sun festival, yet somehow the walk into his office feels like walking to a super villain’s lair.

“Book End!”, a happy voice called as I opened the door. He’s in a good mood; praise the sun.

“Hi boss, how are you doing today?”

“I’m good, very good, but we’re here to talk about you. Take a seat”

“What’s the sudden call for? No disrespect but a lot of thing’s caught me off guard today”

“Well”, he began to climb off his chair, surrounded by bags of bits, “I know you mean your party and we’ll get to that but I have very important matters to discuss with you”, he has the weirdest fashion sense in the world.

I’m not about to say I’m on the top rung but this guy, peach coat and two shade green mane; everything in his office is green and has a monogrammed bag of money on it somewhere, even his waist coat, even his cufflinks. I know he’s probably saying something important right now but everything in this office is so loud and obnoxious I can barely keep my head straight.

“Long story short I’ve learned the error of my ways, I was going to forgo your party for the sake of saving money and I feel so bad… I’m giving you a raise and making you my partner”

Wait what?

“Wait what?”

“Yes, I learned friends and family are more important than money so I’m making you my partner, please accept this large bag of money as the first of many”, he set down a bag next to my chair.

“Sir… don’t you think this is a little excessive? I mean it was just a party, I’m fine with maybe a cup of cider and a pat on the back”

“No, no, you earned this”

“I’ve been here a year”

“A year of hard work and dedication”

“I’m under qualified”

“You’ll learn”

“There will be too much management”

“Ah that’s where you’re wrong. As your first assignment as my partner so you can learn the ropes I want to relocate you. The plot of land and house is already paid for”

“What? How?”

“It was going to be my new summer home but it will be a good home for you. You’ll learn about the town folk and if all goes well we can open a new division of the company down there”

“Where am I going?”

“Ponyville”

NO! No! Are you kidding me?

“Sir… is there any way to… not do that?

“Nope I’ve already arranged for all of your luggage to be sent there and I have an escort to take you to the train, you’re important now. Get used to other people handling the details for you”

Two large stallions came to escort, or haul, me out of the office and on to my new life.

“I WORK IN FILING! I DON’T KNOW BUSINESS I SWEAR ON MY PARENTS!!”

He ignored my last ditch effort to convince him that I was not the stallion for the job with a proud smile and a friendly wave. Okay maybe what he did wouldn’t be a bad thing… for somebody else. This was literally the worst possible thing to happen to me; seriously being diligent at work even made me get closer to that jerk destiny. Ponyville? That’s right you probably don’t know that place. It’s the crown jewel in the world of weird, it’s literally the epicenter of everything that goes wrong in this whacked out world. Villain shows up? They attack Ponyville. Monster? Attack Ponyville. The forces of nature run amok? Guess where it happens. You see the pattern? Me going there… it’s not great I’ll put it to you that way.

They loaded me onto the train against my pleas and the entire town came out to say their goodbyes. You think that’s normal? It’s not, I’ve never talked to any of these ponies. What is this?

Oh no… please no… it’s already begun. The world is backtracking, trying to remove everything I’ve done to save myself. Well I ain’t going down without a fight, unless there is a fight in which case I will back down harder than you’ve ever seen anyone back down, I will avert you destiny! And I know just how.

New objective: avoid the elements.

It was then I felt someone tap my shoulder as I watched all I’ve worked for crumble around me, “Hi! My name’s Pinkie Pie!”

Damn it.

Author's Note

If someone figures out the pattern by which I name these chapters I'll post two next time

Fate of Man is Equal to the Fate of Lice

The train ride was long, tiresome, and extremely annoying; there’s only so much trivia about pastries a stallion can take. Apparently Pinkie was just coming back from a visit to her family on a rock farm that ironically was very close to Ponyville but oh joy of joys she fell asleep on the train, missed her stop, and had to go the long way round. I’ve entirely tuned her out at this point and have given her as little information as I can; she’s getting nothing from me but mumbled responses. With any luck she won’t find out I’m moving to Ponyville and we will never see each other again. That sounds cruel I know, I’m sure she’s a nice mare and everything but no… I haven’t spent my entire adult life hiding in plain sight just to have destiny kick me in the flank because I made the wrong friends.

“OH MY GOSH!! You’re going to Ponyville?!”

How did she know that?

“Are you a wizard?”, I’m not gonna lie it’s a freaking possibility.

“No silly I read this long tag attached to your bag”, she held up a small bag I wasn’t even aware I had with me and there it was in black and white ‘Bound for Ponyville; new resident’. It was the kiss of death on my normal life… I hardly knew it.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

My strategy worked, I bought out the train dinning cart and fed her. Sure enough she fell asleep and I made my escape as soon as the train made it to the station.

Ponyville is… well in the simplest terms it’s beautiful. It’s got a real rustic feel to it: you can smell the fresh lumber in the air from all the wooden structures, pastries mix into the air the further you get in, the buildings are vibrant and colorful like a rainbow that moves with the daily lives of ponies, and the breeze… it’s perfect, it rolls so well on the body and rushes into your lungs in the most refreshing way. Ponyville is without a doubt the most beautiful place in Equestria… I already hate it.

Places like this cultivate adventure like it’s going out of style, which I wish it would.

It took some doing but I finally found my new house. I say it took some doing because I had to avoid three separate dark alleys with fortunetellers beckoning me to see my destiny… screw that. My destiny is to push pencils and stay at home with my books and nap, nap a lot.

The house looks great though; nice and spacious the only thing that really stands out is the decorating. It’s basically a castle it’s so big but the inside has really gaudy things I’d never own. Who actually owns several suits of armor? Why is there a bust of a pony I’ve never seen next to the recliner? Why is there a freaking book shelf behind the recliner? That’s just poor placement, how will you recline?

The bust seems off center though; these sorts of things really get on my nerves. As I pushed the bust back into place I turned to see the bookshelf sliding aside to reveal some sort of pole… the placement makes sense now but I’m going to leave this alone, never mind that my old boss seems even more like a comic book villain but I’m not about to become the night.

A Knock came at the door, it’s getting late and all I want to do is sleep, can’t imagine who it could be… oh sun did the pink pony track me down? She’s not getting me without a fight.

“PLEASE, For the love of god please help me!”

Standing before, albeit hunched over, was what I could only describe as the weirdest monkey I had ever seen in my entire life.

“Uh huh… and you would be?”

“My name is Michael”, he groaned, “I’m a human. Please I know it’s a big risk but you have to hide me, humans are executed on sight here”

“Don’t exactly know what humans are but there has to be a good reason they want you dead… best of luck to you though”

He grabbed at the door frame with the weird nubs on his flat hoof, “No, they sort of just want humans dead”, he droned on

“That makes absolutely no sense, we don’t execute criminals even for treason, Equestria is one of the leaders in animal preservation, looking at you I’m almost entire sure you don’t taste good… you don’t really smell good either”

“Hey that’s a little far… are you coming on to me?”

“What? Are you mental? I met you maybe three seconds ago.”, I tried again to close the door but he held fast, he was stubborn if nothing else. His clothes looked ratty, I think they were clothes. Blue on his back legs, some sort of white on his forelegs, and this odd ‘t’ shaped fabric on his torso with a little design that read ‘Breaking Bad’ I don’t know what that is but it sounds overrated.

“And that’s how I got here… can you help me?”

Crap he was talking, “Look you seem like a very nice… monkey but what can I do for you? … Wait… wait no I think there is someone who can help you, there’s a pink mare that lives somewhere in this town. A bakery if I remember correctly, she’d be willing to hide and feed you”

“Thank you. You don’t know how much it me-“ Slam

That’s two problems solved in a single day. This has been a very productive day, time to turn in.

Author's Note

Sorry to have been absentee, many things come up but I refuse to let this go down