Dirty Deeds

by Angloman

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Sex, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Human, Other, Changelings, Original Character
Length: 2867

Your average human wakes up in Equestria, with no memory of his name nor the names of the people he's interacted with. Worse still, no money. Too bad no one cares though, because things are about to get messy. Real messy.

A young man wakes up and finds himself in a new reality. Luckily, he's remembered everything...except for his name. Even worse however, he's been caught in an unsteady peace between more variables a mortal could count, even more so for the groups involved. Worse, he must learn how things are ran in this new world he's found himself in - the hard way, or the easy way. Fortunately for the man, there's tons of work to be done, even if all of it is, well, quite dirty. Naturally, he goes for the highest bidder. Time to get rich...or broke.
Not like anyone would hire a hairless monkey though, am I right?

Rated teen for sexual implications and scenarios, as well as suggestive dialogue and excessive profanity. If you don't like reading the output of an idiot with a keyboard, you won't like this. Things are made up as they go, I barely have an idea of where to go with this.

Published 2015-03-30 03:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-30 03:30:02 UTC

Seriously?

"Hrmng?" a hairless monkey grunted as he hoisted himself off his back. "Whee..whoo..." the human tested his vocals, his throat a bit scratchy. His chest felt clogged, and for a moment he had to scour his mind to figure out what word could describe it. 'Congested...damn, that took way longer than it should've...' a hand swiped over his face, the skin on his fingertips touching grizzly unkempt facial hair. A pair of eyes swept his surroundings, telling him he was definitely not where he should've been. Although, he couldn't exactly remember where he was supposed to be at the moment, but he was sure he'd remember later on. He had all the important bits, at least.

He racked his brain to remember, and he was successful. For the most part. He couldn't recall his name - which was odd, but he remembered he was a twenty year old who lived in some place called...something. It had a name, but he couldn't remember. Again. He did still remember the important bits though. Whatever the hell that means.

A land full of trees and vegatation - hardly the urban area he was used to. A little bit of a lot of concrete, and maybe it'd feel like home. Home was a tad bit far away though - from where he came from, he was at least twenty miles from a forest. Possibly even forty, he wasn't too sure. It was a lot cleaner here though, and for some odd reason he wasn't struggling to breathe. A chuckle escaped from the peculiar creature's mouth.

It was abruptly halted however, as he quieted down to hear the buzzing and chirping around him. It wasn't like going down by Louisana, or visiting his uncle and aunt up by Washington. It just felt...odd. Alien.

In fact, everything around him seemed to be foreign. The leaves, the trees, the bees - nah, there wasn't any of those yellow jacketed motherfuckers thankfully - but it all felt...odd. Really, that would be the only way to describe the surroundings around him. It wasn't quite dark yet, a few beams of light shining through the canopy of the forest showed that it was still day out. At least it wasn't dark. Yet.

The human shook his head, his thoughts moving to more important matters. Like how the hell he was going to find civilization. He could be in the sticks, or hell, maybe the Canadian wilderness, but that was way out there. He did remember it was cold as hell where he lived, and Canada was cold too. At least, he was pretty sure it was. Kind of hard to trust your memory when you can't even remember your own damn name.

Still, he did remember those couple of lessons in Boy Scouts, although he was only in it for a year, he knew how to tie a few knots and how to tell the sun's position. He was pretty sure it rose in the east. Or was it the west?

"Gah! Fucking...memory stuff...damnit." Should have listened to the scout master, son.

The peculiar human continued to look up, shading his eyes with his hand as he tried to figure out which way to go. The sun was at it's height - so he assumed it was around twelve o'clock, somewhere around there. A shiver rocketed his body as a gust of wind sweeped through his thin cotton shirt. He fucking knew he should have worn a sweater that morning.

Then, the human looked around himself and silently stood, his mind fucked by what he just realized. It had to be in the middle of December - and there wasn't a god damn leafless tree in sight. He shivered, shaking his head and ignoring it. The man began a steady walk through the woods, the chirps of birds keeping him calm. Otherwise, he would've been tense his entire trek. He'd been walking for twenty minutes or so - covering around a mile - until he heard his stomach rumble.

"Ah...damn. Did I eat breakfast this morning? I...think I did. Work starts at eight, it's twelve, I get up at six, I eat breakfast at six fifteen, then do my other shit, then I play video games til I have to leave. Erm...so...that means I haven't eaten in around seven hours." the man frowned, then checked his pockets. "I have to have some smarties in here or something..."

He felt something hard and smooth around the edges, a smirk formed on his face as he found his phone. "At least I have something going for me." He pulled out his phone, it's screen cracked. A hand dug into his other pocket, fingers wrapping around another box like figure. "Well, it definitely isn't smarties...that sucks." He bit his tongue as he pulled it out.

"Aw damnit! Fucking cotton candy flavored gum!" He threw the pack of the chewy substance onto the ground, stomping on it. He hated cotton candy. Tasted like pure sugar, disgusting. The man rubbed the pack into the ground with his heel. An odd silence fell over him.

"Well...what the hell am I going to do now? Ah!" He pulled out his phone. "Of course! Why didn't I think of that earlier?" He turned it on, the Samsung logo appearing on the screen. He swiped a finger, the menu appearing. A few taps and the soft glow of the screen reflecting off his retinas and against his scraggly face, a ringing came from the phone. The man put the device against his ear. "C'mon..."

A silence.

"Come on!" the young man said, his voice almost cracking.

"We at ConnectNet are sorry to inform you that our services are currently not wor-" the feminine voice was cut off.

"Nine," beep "one," beep "one!" he tapped the screen angrily. He waited a few seconds, coming up with the same message. His face turned grim. "One more time..." Beep, boop, beep. "We at ConnectNet are sor-"

"FUCK YOUR CONNECTNET! FUCK IT!" the upset biped kicked the tree beside him. "FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK!" The man shrunk down, and sat against the tree he had kicked. He rested his head against his knee, his skin lying comfortably on the tough denim. The entirety of his face was beat red as he let himself wallow in hopelessness. He just didn't - no, couldn't possibly believe he could be in this situation. Alone without any one to bother him, without his dad saying hey every once in a while, hugging mom after every day at school...College.

Alright, so he wasn't exactly the most independent person out there. even though he's a baby who gives his grandmummy kisses dawww Still, it was only a year after high school. It's not like he couldn't hold a job or anything...Hahaha, that's a fucking joke, laugh at it ,please? Anyhow, that'll change soon enough.

So there, he sat, sniffling and full of pity for himself, wishing someone else was in his place. One might suppose it's wrong to do such a thing, to wish a fate granted to you upon someone else, but are we not all hypocrites, in the darkest of times. Asides from that time he broke his computer. It was a sad month, being stuck without your main source of porn was a real K.O to the morale, but he managed. The man trembled as he bit his lip, thinking of all the hard things he had done.

"W-well...this couldn't be that bad..." a grunt, and the primate stood. "Why am I being such a fucking pussy? Of course it can't be that bad! I mean, just walk in a direction til you see civilization. Obviously!" He grinned, wiping his eyes dry. He was quite glad no one had seen his episode, and shoved it in the dark recesses in his mind, trying his best to forget about it.

-------------------------------------Time Skip ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I...fuck...this sucks." the man wheezed, gasping for air and the light of the moon shining softly on his neck. I'm not entirely sure how you get that tired walking - it seems like your legs would just give out but hey, that's another story - anyways, the man was very tired, and very sore. His legs throbbed, his calves seemed to be turning inside out, and his thighs were on fire. He'd hardly experienced anything like this that required his muscles to extort so much energy.

Steadying his breathing, he plopped onto his ass and took a seat. It was an odd clearing, going in a straight line and it was almost perfect, asides from the fact the grass always tried to retake lose ground. A hand patted the dirt, it's fingers curling as it grasped the dirt beneath it. The man breathed in his nose, and out of his mouth as he inspected the dirt. He let it slip through his fingers. He blew on his hand, clearing off any loose dirt.

"Well, it's just regular old fucking dirt. I guess that's good...it's not like I'm in another world then." A puff out air blew out his mouth as he looked up at the sky. He didn't feel like doing anything right now, not after that new circle of hell. 'Wait...' He looked around.

'Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait...dirt?' the man looked right, then left. 'Huh. A road. Well, that was easy.' He made a move to get up, but immediately sat back down. "Aw fuck that shit... guess i'll just yell for help. Someone's bound to come down here. HELLO!" the man yelled out, his voice eaten up by the darkness surrounding him.

"Helllllloooo? Anybody?" the young man frowned, his shoulders slightly sagging due to his fruitless attempt for a call for help. He let his head drop, his neck craning to the left. 'Might as well get some sleep then...' closing his eyes, he somehow slept through the harsh cold.

----------------------------------Time Skip --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Omph!" the man groaned as he felt something kick him in the stomach.

"Wake up, ya god damned trespassin' freak! I swear, I'ma beat those punks black and blue once I get my talons on 'em!" an angry male elderly voice said.

"W-what? Who the hell are yo-" the man opened his eyes to see who he was confronted with. "What the fuck?" A bird lion stood on all fours in front of him, it's feathers mainly dark brown, but a few of the feather tips were grey. It had talons instead of paws, so he wasn't sure if he should call it a griffon or not. It still had a tail, and the fur, but that was it. "I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore..."

"What you starin' at, get up I said!" the griffon made to kick him again, narrowly missing the human as he scrambled up. He couldn't tell if the griffon's accent was Irish or British, but he kind of didn't want to stop to ask him at the moment.

"Okay! Fuck man, just trying to catch a eye rest!" The man said, wiping his eyes as he tried to clear his drowsiness and shading his head with his other hand from the morning sun. The griffon could be seen in plain view now. Aside from a few bags dangling from his side, he was naked. They both locked eyes as the human got a good look at him, and vice versa with the griffon.

"Don't you spout off your fouls words..." the griffon trailed off as his eyes scoured the man's features. "I wonder how much his hide will fetch on the market..."

"What did you say?"

"Huh? What?"

"What'ja say?"

"Nothing - wait, what? Get the hell off my land, ya lackey!" The bird said angrily, his brow furrowing in anger.

"Wait! C-can't we like, work something out first? C'mon, I don't even know where the hell I am!" the man half asked, half begged. The truth was, he really didn't know what the hell he should do - in fact, he really didn't even know what he could do. He could listen to this fucking talking piece of poultry, ask it for directions, or just try to reason with it. And, possibly get a job and some free housing.

"Hrm...I won't lie to you, erm...?" the griffon gestured with his claw. The human looked at him confusedly.

"What?" he said stupidly.

"Your name." Oh, of course. Well, he didn't quite remember his name. 'I'm pretty sure it started with a uh... a D. No no, maybe an S...no, i think it was a A. Ah fuck it, just come up with a cool name already! Hrm...' Then, it came to him. "My name is Saxon."

"Saxon? Well, that's erm..." the man eyed him. "It's fine, it's fine...anyways, I suppose I should right apologize to ya, after that first impression. I ain't a mean goi, but I gotta get those bloody punks off my land somehow. You'd be surprised at the devilish tricks they come up with, I have ta hand it to'em..." the old griffon turned, and walked away, the human in tow.

"Uh...thanks I guess. I swear, I thought I was gonna have to sleep out here another night...Seriously, I really appreciate your help."

"It's nothin' laddie. I remember when I had to spend an entire week outside in the middle of Winter because I locked myself out my house...Oh heh, I almost lost a talon heh!" That really wasn't a pleasant thought.

"So I guess it get's pretty cold out here, huh?"

"Very. Just be glad you weren't out here in mid winter, you'd be like one of those colored ice on a stick thingies..."

"You mean a popsicle?"

"Ehh...I suppose. A silly name, really." The old griffon said hesitantly. They walked through the empty forest, trees and their branches swinging gently in the breeze. He felt a small chill go through his thin T-shirt, and felt his skin tighten in response. He pulled his shirt in, closer.

"So how far away is your home?"

"A good bit, not too far though. I imagine it might be harder for you though, since you only have two legs." He chuckled, and Saxon chuckled along with him. Saxon however, was laughing for a completely different reason. Humans are long distance endurance runners, after all, he'd learned it in school. Humans were built for walking and grasping, although maybe not the best, it's still up there. Realistically speaking, humans were quite superior to other animals in those respects, although he still had a hard time telling the difference between a dumb ass and a fucking chimpanzee. He'd never know why those guys were so fucking stupid, it baffled him really.

Which was odd, considering he couldn't remember anything. Like one hell of an all nighter...

Either way, the past was the past, and he had to find his way out of this Canadian wilderness with magical talking BIRD LIONS and who the fuck knows what else. For all he knew, it could be Brittany Spear's basement, and that was an entirely new circle of hell. Sooner or later, something would trigger his memory and he'd remember. Like that fat guy on the cartoon show...heh. That was a funny show. Family Thigh or something, he really couldn't...quite remember.

It didn't matter, like he knew, Saxon could easily just ignore it for the time being. The suggestion was enticing - after all, it is pretty discouraging to just forget your name and most of the fine details in your life. So he ignored it. Another question was how he was going to make money - that is, if he really was in an entirely new world. If he was, that sucked. If he wasn't, then someone must have gave him one hell of a roofie. Saxon couldn't deny it - he was a handsome fellow, after all.

But if he honestly was transported in a world by a unworldly force, planted in a location by an unworldly force, at this exact time by an unworldly force - you know. It would suck. He'd have to work here. Although, it would be pretty cool living here if there was bird lions. 'Wait, griffons. Gotta remember that, at least I got something good out of Harry Potter...Oh god damnit, where the hell did that book come from again?'

Realistically, Saxon would have to find a job, then find a house, then retire, then die. But realistically, that sounded as boring as hell. Still, he needed shelter, food, and things to make what he wanted into a reality. That won't be much use if he gets burned at the stake for being a witch's creation, or some shit like that.

Right now, however, he'd need to get the hell off his feet. And a weird feeling told him this griffon was the first step.

Author's Note

So, yeah. This is the first chapter. Wooo! Anyways, don't expect much, I'm probably going to write in this in my spare time. Don't expect much.

Oh wait!

Criticism is welcome, just don't be an absurd ass about it, i.e: 'this story is about as fucking clever as a piece of belly lint.'