This story is (c)rap

by Dark Avenger

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 4692

Twilight Sparkle loses a bet. Princess Celestia is her first victim. (Plus a few random unrelated chapters...)

The golden rule of gambling: "quit while you're ahead."

Princess Twilight Sparkle did not heed this advice. After losing a bet, she is about to learn of the consequences the hard way, and Princess Cadence intends to enjoy every second of it.

Will Princess Celestia survive this incident? And why the hell is Princess Luna always missing at times like these?

(Further chapters are completely unrelated...)

(Original sketch of the cover art by marking. Inking and coloring by yours truly...)

("Celestia picnic" image stolen from here: link)

Published 2015-02-15 02:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-16 22:17:02 UTC

A short and stupid thing...

Author's Note

...that I wrote as part of a trade. A sketch for a (very) short story based on the sketch.

Please ignore this story.

A short and stupid thing...

"Off you go, Twilight," Cadence cooed.

Twilight groaned for the hundredth time that afternoon. "No way…"

Her friend giggled. "Come on! You promised you would."

"I know, but this is just…" Twilight sighed. "Uuuuggghhh... This is the dumbest thing ever…"

"Well, you know what they say," Cadence said. "'That's what you get when you take on a bet.'"

"Not if you win it," Twilight said with a roll of her eyes.

Cadence snickered in response. "But you didn't win, did you?"

"Ugh…" Twilight stomped her hoof. "How was I supposed to know Pinkie doesn't like baklava? I mean, that pony will eat just about anything that's got sugar in it. Baklava is practically made of sugar!"

Cadence shrugged with a smile. "Guess everypony has their limits…"

Twilight facehoofed. "My BBBFF defeats Pinkie in an eating contest," she muttered. "And here I thought this was a sure bet…"

"Okay, enough stalling now." Cadence nudged her friend and retreated behind a nearby bush. "Your 'victim' awaits you…"

Hesitating for a moment, Twilight took a step forward, only to pause and turn around again. "Look, can't I just do something else instead? Anything else?"

Cadence giggled and shook her head.

"Oh, come on!" Twilight's tone became increasingly desperate. "Can't you come along at least? I… I'd feel better that way…"

"Nope." Cadence donned her binoculars and ducked a bit further behind the bush. "She'd notice something was up. That would ruin the fun."

With no hope left for escape, Twilight sighed again and walked forth, still grumbling to herself and wishing she could just go back and wipe the smirk off Cadence's face. To avoid having to even think about her task, she distracted herself by staring at her surroundings, letting her eyes take in all the beauty of a lovely summer afternoon on the plains near Canterlot. They were said to be the finest in all of Equestria, and the sights certainly did not disappoint. She couldn't think of a better place to lie down and relax. Maybe even hold a picnic.

Or lose a bet, apparently… Twilight thought as she closed in on her destination. Her eyes landed on the mare before her, and she gulped.

"Ah, greetings Twilight!" Celestia called out to her with a smile. "I thought you were still in Ponyville, but I'm glad you decided to visit early." She scooted over a bit and gestured at the various snacks arranged next to her on the blanket. "Care to join me for some tea and biscuits?"

Twilight did not reply. She calmly strutted up to her mentor, only stopping right at the edge of the blanket. Celestia blinked as she stared up at her, a bit unsettled by her student's blank expression. Before she could get up or say anything, however, Twilight's horn lit up, upon which a low, repetitive beat played from a magical speaker. The younger alicorn then took a deep breath, reared up, and fixed Celestia with a menacing gaze before unleashing her voice.

"Yo! Hey!
Princess of Sun!
Twilight is here now
To ruin your fun

You thought you could run
And hide out with the sun
But now she'll show you
Your lil' picnic is done!"

Celestia's jaw dropped as Twilight strutted back and forth in front of her while chanting in a low and confrontational tone. Her forelegs kept making strange and aggressive-looking gestures toward her, all the while keeping up an imaginary beat that the mare seemed to follow.

"All your power, all your might
So why give us such a pitiful sight?
God among us, queen up high?
'Sun on Butt', you're not very spry

Maybe it's time you got to see
Somepony show ya how it's got to be
I’m the princess movin' into town
Who'll turn all your smiles into a frown"

Twilight stepped closer, making Celestia recoil a bit when her student's hooves waved inches away from her face, and her chant rose in volume.

"So take a seat and watch me fly
Watch the moon blot out the sky!"

With that, Twilight turned around, bit her lip, and resisted the urge to scream from the immense humiliation, while her flank wiggled right in front of her mentor's face. After a few moments of posterior presentation, she put her game face on again, turned back around, and went on without skipping a beat.

"Don’t act so surprised
With that look in your eyes
You thought you could run
But I’m not even done…"

And so, with Cadence watching from the distance and laughing herself sick, Twilight freestyle-rapped and hip-hop-danced Celestia into utter confusion. The consequences are not known. The incident was never spoken of again.

(Unrelated) chapter two: A sweet treat

Author's note: Yes, "unrelated," but no less silly...

Moonlight Magic reached into the mailbox, only to frown in confusion when her hooves bumped into something large. Fumbling around a bit, she grabbed the object, pulled it out, and gasped when her eyes landed on it.

"Oh my gosh!"

A wide smile appeared on her face at the sight of the large, red, heart-shaped box in her hooves. On the top half, she found a line composed of small, curvy letters:

"With love from a handsome stranger..."

Sighing happily, she closed her eyes, hugged the box against her chest, and could almost feel the warmth of her admirer radiate from the box into her heart.

"Thank you so much..." she whispered.

Still smiling, she held the box up again and slowly opened it. There was a thin pink wrapping upon the contents, hiding them from view, but the strong scent that hit her nose already made her give a squeal of approval.

"Mmmm..." She licked her lips. "Chocolate..."

She removed the pink wrapper and let her eyes bathe in the wide variety of treats in the box. Just as she lifted a hoof to grab them and start munching away, however, a small note fell out of the top half of the box. She raised an eyebrow and picked it up, only to find the same hoofwriting on it as before:

"I left a trail of clues all over town. Follow them, and you will find this handsome stranger.

Clue #1:

I look dandy, I look sweet,
But I'm no treat that you can eat.
Better goodies wait within
So leave the walls and come right in!"

Her mouth hung open in confusion. She read and reread the note over and over again, her gaze wandering out the window as she tried to piece it all together. A gasp left her mouth when her eyes landed on the silhouette of Sugar Cube Corner in the distance, the gingerbread house-style walls and the cupcake-shaped tower clearing away her doubt.

"Of course!" she said. "That has to be it! I just gotta..."

She trailed off and looked at the box again. "Wait a second..." Her confusion turned into a frown. "Why the hay should I go anyway? What kind of admirer makes me go on a 'treasure hunt'?"

Huffing in frustration, she picked up the note again. Flipping it over, she found another line scrawled on the back:

"There are more treats waiting for you at the end..."

Moonlight could barely stop herself from drooling. "Caaaandyyyy..." she moaned. Giggling, she put the box down, spread her wings, and prepared to zoom out the window, only to pause at the last moment.

"Hmm... Why not have a quick taste first?"

Rubbing her hooves together, she approached the box once more. The writing inside the top half revealed it to be the "Whizzo Quality Assortment", which was followed by a list of the various treats it contained.

"Let's see..." She read it out loud to herself. "'Cherry Fondue', 'Almond Whirl'... Huh? 'Crunchy Frog'? 'Cockroach Cluster'? Uhh..."

Her head cocked to the side upon reading the unusual names, but eventually she shrugged and figured it was just a bit of silliness on the creator's part.

"Oooh!" Her eyes widened. "'Spring Surprise'. Sounds like my kind of treat!"

Grinning, she plucked out her choice from among the other sweets, finding it to be a simple round piece of dark chocolate. Her tongue was already tingly before she popped it in her mouth, moaning in pleasure as the warm flavor washed over her senses.

Author's Note

For those of you who might not get the references toward the end: (link)

Picture used as reference (character's name and backstory was provided by the artist):

(source)

Pinkie Pie's Puffy Pastries

*****

Darkness engulfed the confined space, a dim light seeping through cracks in the door. The mare could barely see her reflection in the mirror before her. All around her, a dull pink haze lingered in the air.

Huh... she thought. Maybe I should turn the lights on next time.

Shrugging, she placed the toothbrush back onto the shelf above the sink, rinsed her mouth using the tap, and wiped it with a towel. After fumbling around for a while in the darkness, her hooves managed to find the knob and open the door. Outside, she was greeted by the same thick haze, forcing her to halt in the doorway, lest she stumble over something.

"And who do we have here?" a soft, feminine voice emerged from the darkness. At the same moment, the corner of the room to her left lit up in a bright neon blue. A pile of lint sat on an armchair at the source of the light, the voice coming from that exact spot. "Oh, you don't know who you are? Maybe we should leave it that way?"

The lint twitched and hopped in place as it spoke, and its voice had a rather forced "upper class" tone to it. The pink mare just stood there, not saying a word. She blinked several times. but the sight did not vanish, and was now accompanied by small black spots floating around in the ethereal light, making her feel a bit dizzy.

She opened her mouth to speak, but then another voice came from straight ahead, along with a sickly yellow light. The mare looked over and found a bucket full of turnips sitting on a stool. "But I know you," it said. The tone was much deeper and sounded more dull. Every word made the bucket move slightly, rattling the turnips within. "Look at my face. We've met before... haven't we?"

"Um..." the mare began. "Hello again?" She put on a friendly smile.

At that moment, the corner to her right lit up as well, this time in a deep red. "I don't know you!" a pile of rocks barked at her. "Why are you here? You're no guest of mine!"

She pouted, ears folding back. "Aww..." Moments later, she let out a gasp, eyes widening. "Oh, is this a party? Did I ruin the surprise?"

"Do you really want me to reveal who you are?" the pile of lint said. Each time one of them spoke, the source of light shifted and changed color. "Knowing oneself means acknowledging ones actions. As of lately you've done some terrible things..."

The mare scratched at her head. "Terrible things? But I was just brushing my—"

"You don't remember me?" the bucket said. "I'll give you a clue..."

The pony slowly hopped toward it, stopping a few paces away. She leaned closer and listened carefully.

"Does 'April the 3rd' mean anything to you?" it went on. "I believe that was the day of our first encounter."

"Huh?" She let out a small giggle. "Yeah, I was eating all those coconut cookies that day. Hmm..." Her hoof tapped her chin. "Or was it vanilla? Chocolate chip? Bacon? Durian fruit? Or maybe..."

While the mare babbled on, the bucket spoke up again. "You look like you might be remembering something..."

April 3rd, 1002 AD NM - 7:45 AM

Pinkie was almost done with her morning routine when the alarm clock downstairs rang, signaling that she had fifteen minutes before the place opened. With a gasp, she quickly jumped out of her training gear, put all fourteen instruments and drums back into their cases, and gave Pound and Pumpkin Cake one last silly face before heading out the door of the bedroom. She smiled as the sound of their giggling followed her into the hallway.

After hopping down the steps while humming a cheerful tune, the pink pony went up to the counter in the front chamber and prepared the bakery for the day. She set the tables, did a quick sweep of the floor, heated up the oven, and flipped the sign on the door while the first of the baked goods warmed up.

The doorbell rang a few minutes later. "Goooood morning, Lyra!" she called out.

"Good morning, Pinkie Pie!" Lyra stepped inside eagerly and closed the door behind her. She then paused, noticing that Pinkie had her back turned as she searched through one of the cupboards. "Oh wow, how did you know it was me?"

Pinkie giggled and hopped off to the back of the store for a moment. "I know you love the honey-cinnamon pastries, and you only bought enough for three days last time, and since you don't want them to run out, you came here before anypony else." Smiling widely, she returned and placed a box on the counter. "Well, I got your next dose all packed up and ready to go."

Lyra's jaw dropped. "Wow, Pinkie... you're amazing," she said with a chuckle. "Gee, I wonder if the place next door is gonna be half as observant as you."

The baker grinned proudly. "Mmhmm!" She then blinked, staring at her customer in confusion. "Wait... huh?"

"Oh, haven't you heard? The house next door got sold to a group of bakers from Canterlot." Lyra stepped up to one of the windows and pulled the curtains aside. Her hoof pointed to the building across the street from Sugar Cube Corner, where a pair of workers were busy setting up a ladder. "They're putting up their sign right now. Mmmm..." The mare licked her lips. "I even got a brochure. All you can eat chocolate cookies for a whole week to celebrate the opening. I can't wait!"

"Riiiight, I see." Pinkie grinned widely, her teeth grinding together. "I bet it's going to be... super-duper-yummy and... stuff." She followed up with a rather strained giggle.

"Well, um... I guess I'll see you there then, heh-heh." Lyra awkwardly returned the grin. She picked up the box, left a small pile of coins on the counter, and backed away slowly toward the door. "Thanks for the pastries, Pinkie Pie. Have fun!"

"Will do!" Pinkie waved after her, an innocent smile on her face once more. She waited for the door to close and quickly flipped the sign. The phone rang in the room behind her, but she ignored it and sat down on one of the chairs, staring blankly ahead. The answering machine beeped, and she could faintly hear somepony's voice from it, but could not make out any words. The machine beeped again, and she stayed still for a few more minutes.

Eventually, the mare got back up and trudged over to the adjacent room. A small red light flashed on the answering machine next to the phone. She tapped the device and sat on her haunches in front of it.

"Hi! This is 'Marzipan Mage' calling from Upper Crust Bakery. We recently opened in Ponyville, and we wish to invite everypony to come and sample our delicious products. You may find us at 34 Magnolia Street. All of our employees will be present this entire week, and they would love to see you there! Please come!"

*click* *beep*

33 Magnolia Street

The front door of Sugarcube Corner slammed shut, the lock clicked, and the pink mare gleefully hopped her way across the street, a wide smile on her face the whole time. The ponies nearby waved at her and greeted her, but she did not return it, or react in any way at all. Her face stayed in the same motionless grin, eyes staring ahead as she hopped past the bystanders, who were stunned by their favorite party pony ignoring them.

Within moments, she reached the other side of the street and stopped just on the front porch of the new bakery. The sign had since been installed, proudly advertising the sweet treats inside in bold, colorful letters. Pinkie glanced up at it, still smiling, and she reached into her poofy mane, pulling out a bundle of white fabric. Without skipping a beat, she jumped into the air and landed straight onto the bundle, kicking up a small cloud of feathers. She stretched her limbs and wiggled her tail to fit the suit onto and around them.

Once the fabric covered her fully, she reached into her tail to retrieve a small beak, which she fit onto her snout. Now covered in the chicken suit, the mare calmly walked up to the door and peeked inside. The interior was somewhat dim, but she could still make out at least three equine figures. One of them stood behind a counter on the right, another swept the floor around the tables on the opposite side, and a third one stood right before the front door.

"Come on, Ginger," the mare at the counter said. She rested her head on her hooves and yawned. "We gotta open soon."

"Okay, okay, sheesh..." The other mare swept up the last of the dust on the floor and put her broom away. "Just trying to get that 'first impression' thing right..."

"Meh, why bother?" the stallion at the door said. He gave a long yawn as well. "It's not like we got a crowd out there trying to break down the do—"

He was cut off as the front door burst open with a loud bang, accompanied by a cloud of confetti and the sound of a party horn. The door hit the pony squarely in his flank and sent him flying, and he could only give a short yelp before landing in a heap at the center of the chamber. His eyes spun around in a cartoony manner, and he gave a low groan, limbs squirming as he tried to get his bearings.

His colleagues gasped and watched in horror as a baby-blue cannon with a smoldering barrel rolled into the chamber, followed by a pink mare in a chicken suit. She caught up to the weapon and skidded to a halt right next to the helpless pony on the ground. He blinked away at stars and managed to look up, just in time to see her aim the barrel at his face.

"No!" He held up a pair of shaking hooves. "Please—"

She slammed a forehoof onto the button on top of the cannon, and another loud bang rattled the store. Pink cake batter and frosting erupted from the barrel, covering the stallion's head. He gave a muffled cry from underneath and flailed his limbs, the thick mass pinning him to the floor.

The mares on either side stared wide-eyed at the scene. The one on the left whimpered and backed away slowly, only to freeze when the maniac in the chicken suit turned to her next. She loaded a small package into the cannon, turned it around, and raised the barrel to aim it at the mare. She screamed a split second before the cannon fired again, coating her in the same pink batter and tossing her toward the far wall. She knocked over several tables and chairs before coming to a rest on her back, groaning as the remains of a cake slid off her belly to form a small, messy puddle.

The other worker did not wait to see what happened next. Right after the intruder fired a second time, the mare turned around and burst through the door behind the counter, heading for the back of the store. A pair of bakers worked with the large ovens on either side. They paused and gave her confused looks as she ran past them, almost knocking over the racks and tables laden with baked goods. Her breathing was panicked, and her eyes darted back and forth, trying to find a way to escape.

"Aha!" Her heart leaped when she noticed a closet in the corner. Without hesitating, she ran straight for it. Once her hoof was mere inches away from the handle, the door of the closet burst open, and the maniac in the odd outfit leaped forth, wielding a rubber chicken. Her crazed eyes met those of the terrified baker, who shrank together and backed away slowly.

"G-get away from m-me!" she whimpered. "Somepony... anypony... help!"

The pink pony's grin widened, and she hopped toward the helpless mare. The rubber chicken flopped about as she flailed her hoof wildly, and once she got close enough, she lashed out. The baker let out a cry as the toy collided with the side of her head, making her stagger back. Several more blows followed, each one forcing her back. Finally, a swing from below slapped her head up and knocked her off balance, allowing the maniac to shove her onto her back. While she was busy groaning and squirming on the floor, her assailant grabbed a pie from one of the shelves and slammed it onto her head repeatedly, making it disappear under a pile of mashed crust and reddish filling.

The bakers stared in horror. One of them quickly grabbed a long, freshly baked strudel and held it out, his hooves trembling.

"Don't m-make have to use this!" he said. "I'm... I'm warning you!"

The mare's smile did not waver at all. She simply took a few steps to the side, turned around, and bucked one of the tables with all her might, which sent the cake on top of it flying. The baker with the strudel in his hoof stared up at the pastry as it arced through the air, and he just managed to open his mouth before it collided with his face. The impact sent him staggering back, and his forelegs flailed about, trying to get the smashed cake off his face. Unable to see where he was going, he soon tripped over a few boxes on the floor.

The other stallion watched his partner go down, and by the time he looked back to the mare, she was already right next to him. She held up a large jelly doughnut and leaned in close, making her crazed eyes fill his vision. When his jaw dropped in horror, she shoved the pastry into his mouth, turning his scream into a muffled whine. He wriggled in her grip and struggled to breathe, his jaw straining against the sweet treat between his teeth. Eventually, he managed to chew it up enough to take it down in one giant gulp. His limbs went limp, and he fell to the floor, gasping for breath as the effort nearly made him black out.

All motion ceased in the bakery. Satisfied with her work, the maniac in the chicken suit got up and calmly hopped out of the room. She took one last look around and went up to the front door, where she flipped the sign to "CLOSED" just before she left. Outside, she tore off the outfit with one rapid motion and tucked it away into her poofy tail. With the same smile on her face as the one she arrived with, the mare hopped back across the street, humming a jolly tune along the way.

*****

Pinkie Pie's Super-Duper Checklist Extravaganza!!!

Beatings: 2040
Boldness: 7970
Combos: 4810
Time Bonus: 6614
Flexibility: 400
Mobility: 11213

33047/25000PTS

Door Slam
Triple Exposure
2X Combo
Triple Exposure
Execution
3X Combo

GRADE: NAILED IT!

Applejack raised an eyebrow and looked up from the piece of paper in her hoof. "Pinkie? What the hay is this? Ah asked fer a shoppin' list."

"Oh... oopsie!" Pinkie giggled. "Guess I switched the two lists. Silly me!"

"What's with all these numbers an' words here anyway? Looks like yer keepin' score of somethin'."

The pink mare snatched the list from Applejack's hooves. "Nevermind!" She shoved another piece of paper into the farmpony's hoof. "Here's your list. Bye!"

She ran off, leaving her friend behind, who could only stare in confusion. She blinked and glanced down at the paper, but all she found on it was a phone number.

"Wait!" Applejack waved and called after her friend, but the other pony was already far away. "This ain't mah list! Pinkie!"

*****

The doorbell rang as a pair of customers exited the bakery. They were among the last to visit Sugarcube Corner that evening. The door creaked as it slid shut, only to stop at the last moment when a purple forehoof held it fast. It shoved it open, hard enough to make it bump against the wall, allowing a rather frustrated-looking alicorn to step inside.

"Hey there, Twilight!" Pinkie said. "How's it going?"

"Yeah, whatever..." Twilight stomped her way toward one of the empty seats in the corner. Along the way, she bumped into a trio of foals heading for the exit. They yelped as they noticed her furious expression and scattered before her.

"Awww..." Pinkie giggled. She leaped out from behind the counter and joined her friend at her table. "What's got ya down in the dumps? Tough times among the grumpy politicians?"

"Nah..." Twilight gave a deep sigh. "I just... had a busy day, that's all."

"Oh, you too? I had to clean up a whole bakery today. I know what it's like to have a busy day."

The princess rolled her eyes. "Tell me about it... I just spent two and a half hours doing something called 'freestyle rapping' non-stop..."

"Wow, really?" Pinkie tilted her head to the side. "Why'd ya do that?"

Twilight buried her head in her forehooves. "I lost a bet..."

"Ah. Hmm..." The pink mare gave a mischievous grin. "Could you show me?"

Twilight glared at her. "Not. A. Chance. Ugh..." Her forehooves grasped at the sides of her head. "I can barely stop myself from doing it right now. Everywhere I look, my brain starts inventing stuff to babble about... and making it rhyme too! Even while I'm talking to you, I have to watch myself so I don't start doing it."

Pinkie giggled a bit. "Got stuck in the groove, huh?"

"Yeah." Twilight hung her head. Her hoof started tapping to a solid beat on the table. "So just... just give me some cake, 'fore I put a head on a stake. And I don't wanna hear why, cause my—" Her eyes widened, and she slapped the hoof over her mouth. "Ugh! See? It's terrible..."

Her friend laughed openly now. "Aww, don't feel bad." She hopped over to the counter and returned with a plate in her hoof, which she placed in front of the brooding mare. "Here, have some pudding. That ought to cure your little rap-trap."

Twilight sighed again and gave a weak smile. "Thanks, Pinkie." She reached for her purse. "How much is that again? I think I'll just take it home."

Pinkie held up her hoof. "Meh, don't worry about it, Twilight. It's on the house." She winked. "You'd have done the same for me."

"Huh?"

"Oh, nothing."

The bubbly mare hopped away, humming to herself cheerfully. Twilight blinked in confusion as she watched her go. Shrugging, the princess got up, grabbed the pudding with her magic, placed it in a box, and levitated it behind her as she trudged out of the store.

Author's Note

"Do you like to party with other people?"

http://i.imgur.com/sRhKNsX.jpg

I'm so sorry...

~~This was totally not inspired by the "Ronald McDonald Chicken Store Massacre" video~~