In Which Soarin Has a Lousy Day
Phil stared down at the scene below him. This had already been a fairly lousy day; now it had gone from bad to just peachy. The wind whipped past his face as he examined the majestic tableau below him. It was beautiful; light, fluffy clouds above a patchwork of farm fields; a lush, deep forest somewhere off to the west. Far in the distance to the north, he saw what seemed to be a beautiful, pearly-white high-fantasy castle reminiscent of Schloss Neuschwanstein. It glittered in the distance. Boy, I'd sure like to see that up close, he thought to himself, rolling his eyes at the thought.
After all, the only thing he was likely to see up close any time soon was whatever was directly beneath him.
He shook his head, leading to him tumbling. He had never quite been in a situation like this one, and wasn't quite sure what to think. On one hand, he was pretty certainly going to die. On the other hand, he had another good minute or two to think about that fact.
That was not a fun fact to think about, so instead he thought about a particularly funny joke his coworker had told the other day. Something about a skydiver's parachute, never used, small stain.
Given his current situation, that was not particularly funny.
Just to be sure, he reached around to check his back. Nothing but his shirt.
As if that would work out.
He sighed, staring at the ground. Another five minutes, maybe? Somehow, the existential panic he had expected should he find himself in this sort of situation wasn't quite settling in. That was odd.
Not as odd as the shapes he could see in the massive cumulus looming below him. It almost looked like a city...
He shook his head, ignoring the thought as soon as it appeared to him. Probably just the heights getting to him.
...No, now that he was getting closer, it really did seem like a city, built in an ancient greco-roman style. Ha, that architecture degree pays for itself again! It even seemed to have a rainbow waterfall. Which made even less sense. And what were all of those things flying around in there?
Then it clicked. The sudden, existential dread. That was Mount Olympus, straight out of Hercules: The Movie, and that meant he was already dead.
Right?
He wasn't really that on-point with his Greek mythology. What he did know was that he didn't believe in Zeus, so he was probably going to Hades.
And then the panic started. He started flailing his arms, praying to wake up, that he had just taken a tumble off his porch and hadn't fallen into an alternative dimension. That he wasn't going to die. However, the tiled roof was coming up to meet him at terminal velocity.
It was about at this time that he slammed into, and straight through, the roof of the cloud house. Time seemed to slow down. He spotted what he swore was a horse. A pale blue horse. With wings. Standing in the clouds. Expression flashing, in the blink of an eye, from joyous laughing to shock. And then he dropped through the floor, and through another floor of clouds, tumbling past a veritable herd of multicolored horses with wings before exiting the cloud, thoroughly soaked with water.
At this point, Phil crossed his arms, crossed his legs, and sulked. Yep, now I know I'm dreaming. I'm going to wake up any minute now.
It was at this point that a voice to his side interrupted his reverie. "Hey, you can't just go barging through people's houses like that! Also, how did you get up there without wings?"
Phil whipped around in midair to see the same blue pony as before diving alongside him, now wearing a set of goggles. It apparently spoke. Well, it would be just rude not to respond, even if this was clearly a dream and he was clearly going to wake up. He made a very rude gesture and shouted over the wind, "I flapped my arms! What do you think?"
Apparently his sarcasm was lost over the necessary volume, and his gesture lost in translation. The horse beside him spoke again. "Do you need help?"
"Nope, just skydiving without a parachute. Don't you guys do this for fun?" he once again screamed over the wind.
The blue pony stared at him, shrugged, and flared its wings, pulling up.
Phil turned, blinking and staring at the blue figure far above him, and screamed, "DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHAT SARCASM IS?!"
He looked down, noticing how much closer the ground was than before, and wondered if there wasn't a flowerpot and a whale somewhere nearby that he could reach out to. There wasn't; however, there seemed to be a large, wooden object falling several hundred feet above him. Twisting around, he stared below him as the air whizzed by. Jeez, that wide, flat thing called ground sure was getting big. It must really want to make his acquaintance. Probably wanted to be friends.
He considered his odds, and started flapping his arms. After all, flying horses who live in cloud houses? Who knew what kind of cartoon logic was at play here? He frantically waved his arms around, and, upon realizing that it was doing nothing, looked at the ground below him and tried harder. He could see the individual people on the ground.
Err.
Horses.
WHAT.
JUST. WHAT.
Phil stared at what appeared to be an entire society of talking, multicolored horses. Well, stared to the best ability of someone falling from 30,000 feet.
At this point, a lot closer to 1000 feet.
900.
800.
700.
600.
Phil was surprised at how well he had come to terms with the fact that this was a dream and he wasn't about to die.
500.
The nice thing about a death like this is that "denial" can last pretty much until you don't need it to any more.
400.
He felt a slight twinge of regret that he probably would never see his computer again.
300.
Huh, thought this was a dream. Why am I so worried?
200.
The ground rushed up to meet him. He saw a winged yellow quadruped, and shouted, "HEY! OUT OF THE WAY!"
100.
Of course the stupid thing decided to look up and freeze, rather than move.
And so, the entire impact of a human waking up in Equestria was not driving the local mare population crazy. It was not protecting the princess from evil with magic-hampering special abilities. It wasn't even becoming a slave to the local ponies, or arguing physics with Celestia. It was simply a five-foot hole in the ground and the inevitable destruction of Equestria by an invading force of changlings when the element of kindness was found to have gone missing.
Soarin examined the remains left by the creature he had seen falling out of the sky. He winced, noticing the blood and chunks of meat splattered around, and the splintered remains of the dresser that had fallen out of the hole in the clouds he had made. He reached out and picked up the remains of a Wonderbolts outfit, torn to shreds. "Aw maaan, captain's gonna have my hide for this one..."
Author's Note
Just pointless silliness. I'm still working on Play Me Like A Cello (8k words on this next chapter and probably going to hit 12k before I'm done with it), I promise, I just felt like knocking out something stupid.