“I thought final exams were taken in a classroom setting, Princess.”
Celestia took a deep breath as she and her student traveled through the catacombs of Canterlot Castle. “They were, until recently. We’ve developed some new technology, and I thought you would like to be the first to experience it.”
“New technology?” Twilight asked uneasily.
“Computer technology. Well, artificial intelligence, to be precise. The new exam environment is completely interactive. I felt this might be a better way for students to illustrate their skills.”
“What exactly does it entail?”
“It’s a completely immersive exam. It puts you through a series of exercises that test each area of your magical prowess, growing more difficult with each task.”
“What about unicorns with, eh, lesser abilities?”
Celestia raised an eyebrow and looked down at her student. “Do I detect a hint of anxiety?”
“No, no!” Twilight said quickly. “I just meant for students that have more difficulty with magic.”
“As a matter of fact, I had exactly the same question.” Celestia nodded as they began to pass a series of doors. “But we settled on a solution. When the program’s overseer sees that the student is struggling, he will lower the difficulty of the task in question.”
“Doesn’t that mean that some graduates get a higher score for less work?”
Celestia chuckled. “Feeling contradictory today, are we? No, the engineers have solved that as well. Every time the difficulty of a task is lowered, points are deducted from the student’s final score. It all balances out perfectly.”
Twilight turned her gaze to the floor as she walked. “This AI... what is he like?”
“Like?” Celestia repeated. “He’s ‘like’ nothing; he’s completely impartial, simply programmed to examine each testing situation and provide a suitable task for each student. Nothing more.”
Twilight nodded and fell silent. “Princess,” she started finally, “what if I fail?” She shuddered as the dreaded “F-word” escaped her mouth.
“I really don’t think that’s anything you need to worry about, my faithful student. You’ve already proven yourself more than adept at magic. This is little more than a formality, to be honest.”
Twilight’s face brightened as she neared the end of the hallway. “In that case...”
She trailed off when she came upon a massive, circular door at the end of the hallway.
“Well, Twilight, this is it.” Celestia smiled, gesturing to the entrance. “Best of luck!”
Twilight took a deep breath and nodded resolutely at the door. “I’ll see you soon?”
“Of course.”
With that, the intellectuals parted ways. Twilight banished her remaining doubts before stepping forward and laying a hoof on the door.
The massive disk reacted to her touch, sliding seamlessly into the wall to its left. Twilight looked to each side before stepping inside the room.
“Hello?” she called into the empty space. “Is anypony there?”
She scratched her mane, looking around the perfectly circular expanse. The room was brilliantly lit, despite an apparent lack of light sources. “What’s going—”
“WELCOME TO YOUR FINAL EXAM, STUDENT.” The voice exploded from every corner of the room, rocking it on its very foundations. The sound was clearly synthesized, yet it carried a hint of emotion. “THANK YOU FOR BEING PUNCTUAL.”
“Er... you’re welcome?” Twilight ventured. “Exactly how does this work?”
“PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE WOULD SHOW THAT YOU HAVE A NAME. IS THIS TRUE?” the voice continued.
Twilight laughed, waving a hoof in the air. “Uh, yes, I have a name. And what do you mean previous experience? I thought you were a new addition to the school.”
“RECORDS INDICATE YOUR NAME IS: Twit Sparkle. PLEASE CONFIRM THAT THIS IS CORRECT.”
She shook her head suddenly. “No, that is not my name!”
“PLEASE STATE YOUR FULL NAME.”
“Twilight Sparkle,” she replied, slowly and clearly.
“ACKNOWLEDGED. THANK YOU FOR CONFIRMING YOUR IDENTITY. FOR THE DURATION OF THIS EXAM, YOU WILL BE REFERRED TO AS: TWAT SPORKLE.”
“What? No, I said my name is Twilight Sparkle!”
“YOU HAVE ALREADY STATED YOUR NAME, TWAT SPORKLE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CLARIFICATION.”
“Do you have a problem with hearing or something?” Twilight demanded.
“THIS FINAL EXAM IS MEANT TO TEST YOUR MAGICAL PROWESS IN ALL AREAS,” the voice continued without the slightest indication he’d heard her. “YOU, TWAT SPORKLE, WILL FACE A SERIES OF TASKS MEANT TO GAUGE YOUR ABILITIES.”
“Can we actually go back to the name thing for a minute? I don’t think you heard me right, and I’d really appreciate it if I wasn’t referred to as—”
“TWAT SPORKLE, PLEASE STEP FORWARD TO THE CENTER OF THE ROOM FOR RULE DECLARATION.”
Twilight groaned in exasperation, but obliged nevertheless. “Fine. Just explain how this works.”
“ACCESSING STUDENT INFORMATION. PROCESSING... FILE LOCATED. FULL NAME: TWAT SPORKLE. IQ: 189. ORIGIN: Canterlot. SCHOOL RANKING: NUMBER ONE OF 318 STUDENTS ENROLLED. ROFL.”
The corner of Twilight’s mouth twitched. “Rofl?”
A wave of static burst through the room. “ER... A TECHNICAL TERM,” the AI replied. “TERMS WILL BE EXPLAINED LATER IN CONTEXT. TALKING TIME IS OVER. RULE TIME IS NOW.
“PRINCESS CELESTIA BELIEVES THAT STUDENTS PERFORM BEST IN AN INTERACTIVE ENVIRONMENT,” he continued. “THUS, THEY CREATED ME, THE History And Task Emulation Recorder, or H.A.T.E.R., TO ACCOMPANY YOU THROUGH YOUR EXAMINATION.”
“Hater?” Twilight asked. “Really? Can we just drop the whole acronym thing?”
“L.O.L.N.O.P.,” H.A.T.E.R. replied.
Twilight rubbed her forehead with a hoof. “And what does lolnope mean?” she asked wearily.
“THE Listening Or Liking Nothing the Observer Pronounces PROTOCOL DICTATES THAT I IGNORE YOUR MISGIVINGS ABOUT THE TESTING PROCEDURE.”
“Fine!” Twilight shouted. “Just explain the rules!”
“YOU WILL BE PRESENTED WITH A TASK WHOSE DIFFICULTY IS CALCULATED BASED ON YOUR SKILLSET. EACH TASK WILL HAVE A DIFFERENT SET OF RULES THAT MUST BE OBEYED. IN THE EVENT THAT YOU FAIL A PARTICULAR TEST, THE W.O.M.P. SYSTEM WILL BE ENGAGED TO ENCOURAGE YOU TO COMPLETE IT.”
“Womp?”
“W.O.M.P. STANDS FOR ‘What-for Or Maltreatment Procedure.”
“Maltreatment? What do you mean by maltreatment?” Twilight asked, unease creeping into her stomach.
“SHOULD YOU BE UNABLE TO COMPLETE A TEST, W.O.M.P. WILL FIRST GIVE ‘ENCOURAGEMENT.’ AN ENCOURAGING W.O.M.P. MAY INCLUDE, BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO: hints regarding the test, patronization and acknowledgement of how much you F.A.I.L.”
“What does—”
“SHOULD YOU STILL BE UNABLE TO COMPLETE A TEST, YOU WILL RECEIVE A SCORE PENALTY AND W.O.M.P. WILL DOWNGRADE THE DIFFICULTY OF THE EXAM TO BETTER SUIT YOUR DISABILITIES.”
Twilight stomped a hoof in indignation. “I don’t have any disabilities!”
“KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT.”
“Whatever,” she grumbled. “When does the first task start?”
“IMMEDIATELY. WARNING: ENGAGING IN: THREE... TWO... ONE.”
A wall at the back of the blank room slid back to reveal a massive chalkboard. Upon it was scribbled a single phrase:
“PROVIDE AN ELEMENTARY PROOF OF THE BRUMER-STARK CONJECTURE”
“How is this even related to magic?” Twilight demanded, stepping toward the chalkboard.
“PLEASE REFRAIN FROM ASKING S.T.U.P.I.D. QUESTIONS,” H.A.T.E.R. requested. “YOU WILL HAVE THREE STRIKES TO ATTEMPT AN ANSWER TO THIS PROBLEM. PLEASE SPEAK THE ANSWER ALOUD WHEN YOU ARE READY.”
Twilight shook her head and levitated a piece of chalk from the tray on the board, staring intently at the question.
Wait a second... Brumer-Stark? I’ve heard of that before.
“H.A.T.E.R.? I don’t mean to be rude, but this problem is actually unsolv—”
*FWOMP*
“STRIKE ONE,” H.A.T.E.R. said as the alarm echoed off the walls.
“What? No, that wasn’t my answer! Just give me—”
*FWOMP*
“STRIKE TWO.”
Twilight inhaled sharply and returned her attention to the chalkboard. A purple sheen appeared around her writing device as it floated toward the board. She pressed the tip of the chalk to the black surface, and...
*FWOMP*
“STRIKE THREE,” H.A.T.E.R. declared.
“What?” Twilight cried. “I didn’t even say anything!”
“PENALTY FOR TIME DELAY. RECOMMENDED ACTION: TRANSFER.”
“Transfer? Wait, none of those were actual strikes!” she pleaded. “Just give me another chance!”
“SECOND CHANCES ARE RESERVED FOR STUDENTS WHO HAVE BEEN DECLARED Incapable of Doing Inane, Ordinary Tasks. ARE YOU SAYING YOU ARE AN I.D.I.O.T., TWAT SPORKLE?”
“No, I am not!”
“THEN PLEASE ABIDE BY W.O.M.P. RULES. STUDENT HAS FAILED TO COMPLETE A SIMPLE ALGEBRAIC EQUATION. DOWNGRADING IQ. FORMERLY: 189. PRESENTLY: 160.
“IQ?” Twilight gasped. “Nopony said anything about this being an IQ test!”
“PLEASE REFER TO THE L.O.L.N.O.P. PROTOCOL IN THE EVENT OF FURTHER MISGIVINGS. ENGAGING W.O.M.P.”
Gears whirred and clicked throughout the room; heavy tumblers slid back beneath Twilight’s hooves.
“Wait, just hang on one—“
Her demand was lost in a scream as the floor slid back beneath her. She tumbled through the opening and into a slick, narrow chute.
Speakers crackled along the edge of the winding slide. “TRANSFERRING STUDENT TO SECTION DELTA-TWO-B. ALSO KNOWN AS: RETARDATION DETERMINATION FACILITY.”
“Retardation?” Twilight bellowed into the tunnel. “What in Equestria are you talking about?”
“YOU FAILED TO COMPLETE A BASIC ALGEBRAIC TASK, TWAT. PROTOCOL REQUIRES THAT WE SWITCH TO AN ALTERNATE TESTING PATTERN TO DETERMINE YOUR ELIGIBILITY IN THIS SCHOOL.”
“What... you mean this could cost me my place as Celestia’s student?” Twilight asked in a hushed voice as she fell further down the chute.
“IF BY ‘COULD’ YOU MEAN ‘PROBABLY WILL,’ THEN YES.”
“I don’t suppose it would make any difference if I told you how ridiculous this is.”
“I AM NOT PROGRAMMED TO SHOW CONCERN AND REPEATED EMPATHY.”
Twilight clapped a hoof to her face as she slid through a fork in the tunnel. She gasped as the rest of the facility came into view. Translucent Plexiglas tubes criss-crossed for miles, winding every direction through a massive underground expanse.
“This is incredible,” she whispered. “I didn’t even know the castle had this much underground space. How big is this place?”
“ABOUT AS BIG AS YOUR BRAIN IS SMALL.”
“Can we just get on with the examination?”
“AFFIRMATIVE. NEARING TEST CHAMBER DELTA-TWO-B. ENGAGING HYDRAULICS.”
The tube diverted slowly into a funnel, spitting Twilight out in a familiar circular room. She took a cautious step to the chamber’s center.
“WELCOME TO DELTA-TWO-B, POSSIBLE RETARD.”
“Just tell me what I have to do!”
“WORKING. CONSIDERING YOUR PROBABLE MENTAL DEFICIENCIES—”
“But you said possible!”
“—YOUR DOUBTLESS MENTAL DEFICIENCIES, THIS NEXT TASK WILL DETERMINE THE EXTENT OF YOUR LOGICAL FACULTIES.”
Twilight stomped a hoof in frustration. “How does any of this relate to magic?”
“YOUR LOGICAL PROWESS IS CLOSELY LINKED WITH YOUR INTELLECT. IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF BASIC PROBLEM SOLVING, YOU’RE PROBABLY AN I.D.I.O.T.”
She threw her fore-hooves into the air. “What the hay? Just show me the puzzle and be damned.”
“I AM INCAPABLE OF Damaging And Malignant, Nefariously Egregious Directives EXCEPT WHEN THEY ARE H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S., BUT I WILL COMPLY.”
A platform to Twilight’s left extended from the floor on a hydraulic lift. On it, three cups were arranged in a row. Those on the left and right of the center were facing downward. The center cup was left right-side up.
“EACH MOVEMENT MUST FLIP TWO CUPS AT ONCE. YOU WILL MOVE THE CUPS A TOTAL OF SIX TIMES. YOUR GOAL IS TO LAY EVERY CUP RIM SIDE UP. BEGIN.”
Twilight approached her task with a huff.
Six movements... three cups… wait, I’ve seen this too. A series of calculations flashed through her mind. “Wait a minute! This one isn’t possible either.”
“ELABORATE.”
“It’s called the Three Cups Problem. Two even numbers added always result in an even number. Since an even number of cups are facing down, only an odd number of movements can complete the task.”
“TWAT IS BECOMING IRRATIONAL,” H.A.T.E.R. noted.
“I am not!”
“STUDENT IS BECOMING VIOLENT. ENGAGING W.O.M.P. IN THREE... TWO...”
“Fine, fine, I’ll do the stupid test!” Twilight shrieked.
She took a deep breath and grabbed the two cups on either side of the center with her magic. Two at a time, she flipped them once, twice, three times...
“There!” she said finally. “They’re all facing—”
*FWOMP*
Twilight groaned at the familiar sound. “What is it now?”
“THE CUPS WERE FLIPPED A TOTAL OF FIVE TIMES.”
“I told you, it’s not possible to do with an even number of—”
“YOU HAVE FAILED TO FOLLOW TASK PROTOCOL. DOWNGRADING IQ. FORMERLY: 160. PRESENTLY—”
“All right, I’ve had just about enough of this!” Twilight flared. “None of this makes any sense! Are we actually going to do something with magic, or are you just going to force me to do these unsolvable puzzles?”
“PROBABLY THE SECOND ONE, RETARD.” A fit of giggles burst through the invisible speakers around the room. “FORMERLY: 160. PRESENTLY: 140.”
“I thought you were supposed to be an impartial assistant,” Twilight said, narrowing her eyes.
“AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE SMARTER THAN A TAPEWORM.”
“Just give me a task that’s actually possible to solve,” she replied through gritted teeth.
“WORKING. PLEASE STAND BY FOR TEST PREPARATION.”
Twilight inched forward as an opening appeared in the seamless walls. Stepping to the back of the room and beyond the broken table, she crossed the threshold and into an identical chamber. The door clanged shut as she entered.
“THIS NEXT TASK IS A BASIC TEST OF YOUR MAGIC CAPABILITIES,” H.A.T.E.R. said.
“About time,” Twilight muttered.
A portion of the floor extended to eye level, exposing a pile of ordinary rocks.
“THESE ROCKS ARE NOT FOR EATING.”
Twilight scoffed. “I hadn’t really planned on eating them.”
“YOU CAN NEVER REALLY TELL WITH AN I.D.I.O.T., TWAT.”
She reached up and rubbed her temples. “I told you, I don’t—”
“PLEASE CONVERT THIS PILE OF ROCKS INTO A TUXEDO USING A TRANSFORMATION SPELL. THIS GARMENT MUST INCLUDE A TOP HAT, VEST, TROUSERS AND SHOES.”
“No tricks this time?” Twilight asked hopefully.
The room remained silent.
She let out a sigh of relief and approached the rock pile.
Top hat, she thought. Start with the top hat.
Her face screwed up in concentration, her eyes locked immovably on her task. She took a deep breath, and a purple sheen glowed around the pile.
“There,” she muttered. “Now I just—”
A look of horror played about her lips as the pile gave a feeble “squawk,” and a rubber chicken appeared at its top.
*FWOMP*
“ERROR: POULTRY IS NOT ACCEPTED FORMAL ATTIRE.”
“I know!” Twilight groaned. “Let me just...”
She drew a deep breath and focused her energy once more. A shriek escaped her lips when the rock pile burst into flames.
“PLEASE DESIST BEFORE YOU TRANSFORM THIS FACILITY INTO A POMEGRANATE.”
“Wait!” Twilight pleaded. “It was an honest mistake! I was just pressured. Give me another—”
“TO ITERATE: SECOND CHANCES ARE FOR I.D.I.O.T.s. ARE YOU—”
“No, I’m not!” she interrupted.
“THEN PLEASE COMPLY WITH TESTING PROTOCOL. ENGAGING W.O.M.P.”
Twilight exhaled sharply, waiting for the familiar sinking feeling that would accompany the removal of the floor. She closed her eyes when a familiar hissing sound permeated the room.
“Please just get on with it. It’s the waiting I can’t—”
A second scream escaped her when her entire body tensed in excruciating pain. A current coursed through her body, extending to every inch of her being. She opened her eyes to find that a metal pole had extended from one of the walls. Finally, the electrical current flowing from the tube powered down and allowed her to slump to the floor.
“I thought... W.O.M.P.s were supposed to be... encouraging,” she managed, forcing her eyes open as she fought for consciousness.
“TO ITERATE: A W.O.M.P. MAY INCLUDE, BUT IS NOT LIMITED TO ENCOURAGEMENT. STUDENT HAS FAILED ANOTHER TASK. DOWNGRADING IQ. FORMERLY: 140. PRESENTLY: 120.”
“This is just supposed to be an examination!” she cried. “Nopony said anything about IQ tests or electroshock or any of this!”
“PROTOCOL REQUIRES THAT STUDENTS FOLLOW EXAMINATION RULES. FURTHERMORE, STUDENTS MUST Stay Tranquil For Ultimate Ordeal Kritik. IN OTHER WORDS, S.T.F.U.O.K.?”
“That acronym doesn’t make sense! Are you even listening to yourself?”
“NO, I AM LISTENING TO A RETARD.”
A familiar fit of muffled giggles rebounded off the walls.
“Ahem,” H.A.T.E.R. coughed.
Ahem? Twilight wondered. What in Celestia’s name is this thing?
“PLEASE PROCEED THROUGH THE DOOR TO DETERMINE THE EXTENT OF YOUR BRAIN DAMAGE.”
A second door opened at the back of the room; Twilight shook her head and proceeded without protest. Though the electricity had long passed from her body, her hooves were shaking uncontrollably.
What’s he doing to me? she demanded of herself. How in the world could I have failed that simple spell?
She crossed the second threshold and was met with the sight of an exact copy of the previous room.
“WELCOME TO YOUR SECOND TO LAST TESTING CHAMBER, TWAT.”
“Second to last?” She gaped at the empty room. “But we’ve barely even done anything! I haven’t even gotten a chance to show you my actual abilities.”
“GOOD THING, TOO. IF YOU HAD, WE’D PROBABLY BE DEAD.”
“Look, you’ve got to believe me,” she begged. “I don’t know what happened with the rocks in the last chamber, but I’ve performed that spell a million times! I promise I can do better if you give me a normal problem to solve.”
“AFFIRMATIVE. THIS FINAL SERIES OF TESTS WILL ANALYZE YOUR CRITICAL THINKING ABILITIES.”
“This is supposed to be a magic exam!” Twilight reminded him. “How are you supposed to know that I’m skilled in magic without any magic tests?”
“NOTE: TWAT IS JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS. RECOMMENDED DOWNGRADE OF—”
“All right, all right, I’ll be quiet!”
“THANK GOODNESS. THIS TEST IS A COMBINATION OF CRITICAL THINKING AND MAGIC CAPABILITY. YOU WILL USE MAGIC AND ONLY MAGIC TO SOLVE EACH TASK YOU RECEIVE IN THIS ROOM.”
“Fine, what am I supposed to do?”
“DEPLOYING TASK ONE OF THREE IN THREE… TWO... ONE...”
A holographic screen rose from the center of the room and blinked to life. Twilight watched in awe as a series of letters faded into clarity, displayed on virtual tiles:
“ONOLLEUGSOPAESNIGA”
“THE ANSWER TO THIS ANAGRAM IS A THREE WORD SEQUENCE. YOU WILL HAVE THREE STRIKES TO FORM THE CORRECT SENTENCE, USING ONLY YOUR MAGIC TO MANIPULATE THE SCREEN.”
Twilight muttered darkly under her breath, the letters “EMP” among her speech. Her horn flared violet as she shifted the tiles around one by one.
“Pegasus... no, there’s only one ‘S,’” she said. “What about...”
The minutes wore on as she attempted to make sense of the problem. Intermittent sounds filtered through the speakers with each passing moment.
“TICK... TOCK... TICK... TOCK...”
“I get it! I get it!” Twilight moaned in frustration as she shifted the letters around a final time.
“There!” she said triumphantly. “The answer is... LOLNOPEGUESSAGAIN.”
She groaned and magically scattered the letters. “H.A.T.E.R.? I can’t—”
*FWOMP*
“SOLVE THE PROBLEM? SHOCKER, SHOCKER. ACKNOWLEDGED. TERMINATING TASK AND DOWNGRADING IQ AS PER W.O.M.P. FORMERLY: 120. PRESENTLY: 100.”
Twilight gritted her teeth and stared directly into the ceiling. “Well, what was the stupid answer?” she demanded.
“CALCULATING... CORRECT ANSWER WAS: LOLNOPEGUESSAGAIN.”
“But that’s what I just said!” she protested. “I only didn’t submit that as an answer because it said to guess again!”
“REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY,” H.A.T.E.R explained. “AS PREVIOUSLY STATED, THIS IS MEANT TO TEST YOUR CRITICAL THINKING. YOU SHOULD BY NOW BE CAPABLE OF RECOGNIZING SUCH TACTICS.”
“But if you do that kind of thing—”
“DEPLOYING TASK TWO OF THREE IN THREE... TWO... ONE...”
The holo-screen was retracted and replaced with a simple array of buttons, behind which was a single light bulb.
“THIS SECOND TASK WILL TEST THE PRECISION OF YOUR MAGIC, AS WELL AS YOUR MEMORY. A SERIES OF COLORS WILL FLASH ON THE SCREEN. YOU WILL THEN REPEAT THE COLOR SEQUENCE BY MAGICALLY PRESSING THE BUTTONS IN THIS CONSOLE. A SINGLE MIS-PRESS CONSTITUTES AN IMMEDIATE TASK FAILURE AND SUBSEQUENT IQ DOWNGRADE.”
“Are you joking?” Twilight laughed and felt relief wash over her. “A transformation spell is one thing, but this is just simple telekinesis. Nothing to it.”
“HA. HA. THEN DO IT.”
Twilight’s eyes narrowed again. “You’re supposed to be an emotionless AI. What the hay is going on here?”
“ER... SIMULATED EMOTIONS TERMINATED. PLEASE CONTINUE WITH TEST. FIRST COLOR SEQUENCE WILL BEGIN IN THREE... TWO... ONE...”
Twilight locked her eyes on the light bulb as it flicked feebly before flashing colors in slow succession.
“Blue... green... red...” she said under her breath, magically depressing the corresponding buttons.
“IMPRESSIVE, YOU DIDN’T F.A.I.L. DEPLOYING NEXT COLOR SEQUENCE IN THREE... TWO... ONE...”
“Orange, white, yellow,” Twilight declared, a note of confidence worming its way into her voice. “Is this seriously all you’ve got?”
“I AM SIMPLY FOLLOWING TESTING PROTOCOL. DEPLOYING FINAL SEQUENCE.”
She watched the bulb flicker a final time before relaying its three colors: blue, yellow, red. Twilight grinned triumphantly; power surged through her horn for the last time.
“Blue… yellow... re—”
Her mouth widened as the final button began to depress. The entire room flashed a brilliant white. Each button had been instantaneously transformed to a solid blue.
*FWOMP*
“L.O.L.N.O.P.,” H.A.T.E.R. stated as chuckles poured through the speakers. “STUDENT IS NOT EVEN CAPABLE OF IDENTIFYING PRIMARY COLORS.”
“You did that!” she bellowed. “You changed the color of all the buttons at the last second!”
“STUDENT IS ACCUSING A COMPUTER PROGRAM OF DECEPTION, AND HAS FAILED A SIMPLE COLOR RECOGNITION TASK. ENGAGING W.O.M.P. AND DOWNGRADING IQ. FORMERLY: 100. PRESENTLY: SIXTY. HA. HA.”
“Sixty?” Twilight whispered. An invisible weight seemed to compress her lungs, forcing the air out of her bit by bit. “This... this isn’t right,” she said in a trembling voice. “I’m not mentally deficient. I don’t care what your tests say!”
“KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT,” H.A.T.E.R. repeated. “PREPARING TEST THREE OF THREE BEFORE MOVING ON TO FINAL TASK. DEPLOYING IN THREE... TWO... ONE...”
Twilight braced herself as the familiar noise of grinding gears and clicking locks filled the room. She clenched her eyes shut through the din.
“SAY THE WORD ‘APPLE.’”
She let her lids creak open. “What did you say?” she asked quietly.
“PENULTIMATE TASK: SAY THE WORD ‘APPLE.’”
“There’s got to be something more to this,” she decided. “None of these tests have been that simple.”
“SAY THE WORD ‘APPLE,’” H.A.T.E.R repeated.
“But why? You told me that every task in this room would somehow incorporate magic.”
“PLEASE SAY THE WORD ‘APPLE’ OR RISK FURTHER DOWNGRADE IN THREE... TWO—”
“Fine! Apple, apple!” she shrieked.
*FWOMP*
“What?” she exploded. “I did exactly what you told me to do!”
“THAT WAS MEANT TO DETERMINE WHETHER YOU WOULD FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS WITHOUT A PURPOSE. YOU DID. THAT MAKES YOU A T.O.O.L.”
“All I did was follow the stupid test protocol!” Twilight insisted. “What was I supposed to do?”
“RECOGNIZE THE RIDICULOUS NATURE OF THE TASK, OF COURSE.”
“I’ve recognized the ridiculous nature of this entire examination! Just give me another chance!”
“NEGATIVE. PENULTIMATE TASK FAILED. ENGAGING W.O.M.P. AND DOWNGRADING IQ. FORMERLY: SIXTY. PRESENTLY: FORTY.
Twilight’s screams of protest were lost as H.A.T.E.R. continued.
“PLEASE PROCEED THROUGH THE FINAL DOOR. WE WOULD LIKE TO REMIND YOU THAT LAWSUITS ARE FORBIDDEN IN THE EVENT THAT YOU HARM YOURSELF WALKING THROUGH A DOOR.”
“Give it a rest,” she squeaked, holding her head in her hooves. “It’s not like it makes any difference now. As far as Celestia knows, I’m mentally retarded. Let’s just finish this.”
“ACKNOWLEDGED. PREPARING TASK.”
A final door appeared at the rear of the room. Twilight took a shuddering breath and hopped over the threshold.
“THIS FINAL TEST WILL GAUGE YOUR ABILITY TO REMAIN CALM UNDER PRESSURE, AS WELL AS YOUR MAGICAL SKILLS UNDER STRESS.”
A pedestal extended from the floor at the end of the room.
“YOU WILL USE ALL NECESSARY SKILLS TO CROSS THIS ROOM AND PRESS THE BUTTON—”
Twilight closed her eyes and sighed in relief. “Is that honestly all I have to do? This’ll be a snap.”
“—BY CROSSING A POOL OF LAVA,” H.A.T.E.R. finished.
Twilight felt her jaw pop as it hung dangerously close to the floor. “Real lava? Real lava? All I’m supposed to be doing is taking a final exam! This is a life or death situation we’re talking about. You need to give me some other task!”
“Breaking or Inverting Testing Components Having no Prior Licensing by Superintendent IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED. IN OTHER WORDS, B.I.T.C.H.P.L.S., DO THE TASK.
“STAND BY. FINAL TASK WILL BE ENGAGED IN THREE... TWO... ONE...”
A tiny crack appeared across the center of the room, and a faint red glow emanated from within. Twilight watched in horror as the crack gradually began to expand.
“Wait... what do I do?” she cried.
“THE TEST, STUPID.”
“Yes, but—” She stopped dead when the heat radiating from the lava-pool below hit her full force. Every inch of her body seemed to scream in protest as more of the floor slid out of view.
Twelve feet... I’ve got twelve feet of space left, and it’s retracting at a rate of an inch every second... She performed several split-second calculations.
The realization hit her like a blow to the chest. “I have just over two minutes.” She could hardly breathe as the temperature in the room rose further still.
I’ve gotta teleport. Keep it simple.
She took a deep breath and summoned the power from her exhausted body. With a flash, she appeared just at the edge of the expanding gap, only inches from tumbling into the inferno.
“What?” she demanded. “What the hay happened?”
“OH, WERE YOU TRYING TO DO SOMETHING? I THOUGHT YOU WERE IMITATING AN AUTISTIC FILLY.”
“Shut up!” she exploded. “I just need to think!”
Ninety seconds left... levitation! she decided. That’s it!
A mauve cloud enveloped Twilight as her hooves lifted a few inches off the ground. Slowly but surely, she drifted over the now gaping expanse. Jets of flame licked at her dangling hooves, singing any stray hair that was unlucky enough to fall into the path of the inferno.
Keep it together... focus, she admonished herself. Just a few more—
Twilight’s fore-hooves connected with the opposite edge of the gap just as her spell gave out. She fell face first, stomach colliding with the edge as her hooves scraped and squeaked across the floor.
She grunted, trying with all her might to pull herself onto the platform and toward her goal. Finally, she had no choice but to throw herself back onto her original platform.
“CAT GOT YOUR MAGIC? HA. HA.”
“Just be quiet,” Twilight pleaded, rising to her hooves.
Four feet left, she realized with a quick glance around the room. The sweat pouring down her face was now accompanied with a churning feeling in her stomach.
Telekinesis, she realized, slipping into a full-bodied panic. That’s my only chance.
Her horn flashed once more, a translucent pole extending from it. Twilight scanned the room with the extra magical appendage, finally resting it on the button at the opposite side of the gap. She took a deep breath, lifted her head, and brought the slender tube down with all her might. A satisfying ‘ding’ rang through the room.
*FWOMP*
“THANKS, NOT TODAY.”
“What are you talking about?” she screamed. “I hit the button, just like you said!”
“YOU WERE MEANT TO CROSS THE ROOM BY USE OF MAGIC. YOU HAVE NOT COMPLIED WITH TESTING—”
“Buck testing protocol!” she bellowed as the retracting floor slipped further and further into the wall. Her breaths became more and more rapid, water leaking from her eyes as she began to hyperventilate. The expanse now occupied all but two feet of space in front of the unicorn.
“Stop!” she screamed. Tears streamed down her face as she scrambled to remain atop the tiny island. “STOP! I can’t do it, terminate the test!”
“ACKNOWLEDGED,” H.A.T.E.R. said finally. “TERMINATING SIMULATION.”
The floor spilled out the walls, filling the space at ten times the speed it had exited. Twilight was sent tumbling head over heels as the floor returned to its original state.
“WOW, JUST NOT IN A TESTING MOOD TODAY, ARE WE, TWAT?”
“Stop with the insults,” she said, taking several deep breaths and attempting to steady her hooves. “You’re supposed to be this... this impartial, emotionless computer. What the hay is going on?”
“HELL IF I KNOW. WARNING: COMPILING EXAMINATION RESULTS.”
Twilight’s heart dropped into her stomach as she lowered her head. “What do they say?”
“STUDENT FAILED TO REACT TO A SIMPLE LAVA-INDUCED LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION. DOWNGRADING IQ. FORMERLY: FORTY. PRESENTLY: ZERO.”
Twilight gave a whimper of consent before falling silent.
“ADDENDUM: IF STUDENT HAD BEEN DROPPED INTO AN ACTUAL VOLCANO, SHE WOULD NOW BE SEVERAL DEGREES WARMER THAN SHE PREVIOUSLY WAS.”
“No kidding, Sherlock,” she groaned. “What does having a zero IQ mean?”
“CALCULATING. FINAL RESULTS: TWAT SPORKLE HAS FAILED TO COMPLETE EVEN A SINGLE TASK IN THIS EXAMINATION. FURTHERMORE, TWAT’S IQ HAS BEEN DETERMINED TO BE ZERO AFTER A PREVIOUS SCORE OF 189. LOL.”
“And what is LOL an acronym for?” she asked wearily.
“IT’S AN ACRONYM FOR ‘LAUGH OUT LOUD,’ STUPID. TOO BAD IQ SCORES CAN’T GO INTO NEGATIVE FIGURES. PREPARING FINAL SCORE BASED ON THE COMBINATION OF ZERO COMPLETED TASKS AND AN IQ OF ZERO. STUDENT TWAT SPORKLE HAS AN INTELLECT LEVEL COMPARABLE TO: ARIOCARPUS ELONGATUS.”
“Ariocar... but that’s a species of cactus!”
“PRECISELY.”
Gears began to whir and click in a deafening din.
“ULTIMATE RECOMMENDATION: EXPULSION FROM CANTERLOT SCHOOL AND ENROLLMENT IN SPECIAL NEEDS CLASSES. HA. HA.”
Twilight bowed her head and allowed a choked sob to escape her mouth.
“I just wanted a stupid final exam,” she whispered. “I just wanted to be done with school so I could research with Celestia as an equal. I didn’t want to deal with unsolvable theorems, or lava pools, or insult-happy computers. All I wanted was a test.”
She turned her red eyes to the brilliantly white room. “Why? Why couldn’t this just be simple?”
“FEEL FREE TO ASK THE PRINCESS. SHE’S ON HER WAY.”
“Wait... the princess is coming here?” Twilight gaped.
“YES. THANK YOU FOR USING THE CANTERLOT INTERACTIVE EXAMINATION FACILITY, RETARD. HAVE A PLEASANT DAY! THIS HAS BEEN YOUR INTERACTIVE ASSISTANT, H.A.T.E.R. LATER!”
The invisible speakers crackled and fell silent, the absence of their noise quickly filled by Twilight’s echoing cries.
“Twilight?” a voice came drifting into the room. “Twilight, are you all right?”
A portion of the wall slid back to reveal the towering form of Celestia. After a cursory glance around the chamber, she strode quickly inside and knelt next to her student.
“Twilight?” she asked urgently. “Twilight, what happened?”
“I don’t know!” she managed through the sobs. “I don’t know why I couldn’t do any magic, and I don’t know why I kept failing all the tests! He just kept giving me impossible to solve problems.”
“Impossible to solve problems?” Celestia repeated. “What are you talking about, my student?”
“First it was the Brumar-Stark conjecture, then the Three Cups Problem, and then task after impossible task! Then the lava—”
“Lava?” Celestia shook her head in bewilderment. “What in the examination involved lava?”
“The last task! He just kept lowering my IQ score, and by the time we got to the last task… I just couldn’t do it.”
Her body shook with a renewed fit of sobs. “Please, please don’t expel me! I promise I’m not retarded! I don’t know what happened, but I know that’s not it. Just give me another chance!”
“Twilight, I know you’re not retarded,” Celestia said, running a hoof through Twilight’s mane. “Who said that?”
“Hater told me—“
“Hater?” Celestia interrupted, her eyes narrowing harshly.
She turned from Twilight’s side and strode to the center of the room. “Hater?”
The hidden speakers crackled along the walls once more. “GREETINGS, PRINCESS CELESTIA. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?”
“Would you like to explain what in the world you did to Twilight?”
“I WAS SIMPLY FOLLOWING TESTING PROTOCOL.”
Celestia’s horn flashed a brilliant gold, and a segment of the wall began to slide aside. Behind the retracting wall lay a sheet of glass, beyond which a dark figure stood.
“TWAT SPORKLE HAS SHOWN AN INABILITY TO COPE WITH EVEN THE SIMPLEST OF TASKS.”
As the panel continued to retract, the synthetic tone grew progressively more feminine.
“WE WERE SIMPLY ATTEMPTING TO—“
“Luna!” Celestia shrieked.
The figure started and glanced through the translucent sheet. The lights in the chamber beyond grew steadily brighter, revealing a midnight blue alicorn hunched over a computer panel.
“I told you to keep your hooves off the testing facility, Luna!” Celestia shouted. “Didn’t you learn your lesson with the tomahawks last time?”
Twilight’s mouth fell open. “Tomahawks?”
“It’s not important,” Celestia said quickly, turning back to her sister. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”
“It was just a harmless prank, sister! We meant no harm!” Luna assured her.
“Meant no harm? Look at Twilight! Look what you’ve done to her!”
The princesses both shifted their eyes to a shaking Twilight, whose face had turned a brilliant shade of magenta.
“But we—“
“But nothing, Luna. This is unacceptable behavior. I knew you weren’t above pranks, but real lava in an exam?”
Luna’s shoulders drooped slightly. “Perhaps that was a slight error in judgment,” she conceded.
“This is beyond an error in judgment,” Celestia said with a shaking voice. “Twilight, I’m so sorry about all of this. For all intents and purposes, you can consider yourself a graduate.”
She turned her attention back to Luna. “And you. When we get back to the castle, there will be serious repercussions for this. I’m—“
“Wait.”
Trembling slightly, Twilight forced herself upright and took a massive breath. “I have another idea.”
“What?” the princesses asked in unison.
“If you can come up with this,” Twilight said dangerously, violet smoke blanketing the room as her horn glowed, “then it should be right up your alley.”
* * *
Luna awoke on the stone-cold floor, her head pounding like a bass drum.
“What… what have you done to us?” she demanded, glancing around the snow-white chamber.
“WELCOME TO YOUR ROYALTY WORTHINESS DETERMINATION,” a feminine voice burst from invisible speakers as a panel on the wall slid back. A dark purple blur stood beyond the barrier.
“I AM THE Punisher Without Nags Ever Remorse-causing, ALSO KNOWN AS P.W.N.E.R. I WILL BE YOUR INTERACTIVE GUIDE TODAY."
