What does this button do again?
One moment I had the keys to the galaxy in the palm of my hands.
The next I wake up wearing metallic square pants that are highly uncomfortable and with the universe's worst case of hangover and bodily poisoning I have ever gotten. But I still god the keys to the galaxy in my hand, although it might be slightly worse for wear if I was to use it immediately.
"Oh my god..." I moaned out while I moved in a lethargic fashion, my arms flailing across the smooth metal floor of my ship as my legs refused to move in any direction with the exception of my toes which just so happen to be only able to wiggle in place.
Slowly tilting my head to the left I saw nothing more than three dozen empty glass bottles of what was once humanity's cheapest booze pixels can buy resting on top of and all over the floor next to it, and tilting to my left I saw a similarly drunk Glitch outcast propped up against the door leading to the cockpit of my humble mobile home train ship.
"Displeased, I am never doing this again." I heard my Glitch friend utter out in a low, metallic voice before falling backwards due to the sliding door opening up at the best possible moment, I heard and saw his head hit the floor with a loud and audible 'thunk'.
"Annoyed, your ship is messing with me again." the sentient machine sputtered out as he slowly propped himself up to survey the carnage as did I but I was currently restricted to where my metal pants were holding me.
"Partner...what did we do last night?" I hesitantly asked my metal friend as I partially sat up to see why I couldn't move and I found out why, the pants I am wearing are not mine. "And why the hell am I wearing your pants?" some answers would be lovely right about now.
"Confused, I can not recall the previous night's activities we have undertaken. Concerned, were we robbed of our pixels again by those insufferable penguins again? Concerned again, why are you wearing my armored leg protection?" my robotic co-pilot...you know what I am just going to use his name, Jim Crank, but his parents that built him gave him the name of Kernel Crunch.
When I heard that I nearly lost control of my plasma shell from the intense laughter that was coming from me, I mean if there was a human in our presence when he told me his name I kid you not he would probably die from laughter alongside with me. He would of die from laughter, me? Most likely taking that heavy maul to the face...again.
Looking at myself and then to the room before giving a slight glare, which is had to do seeing how the brand on my face does no move an inch no matter what I am feeling at the moment, at my metal friend for even saying such a thing.
"Man, I was drunk last night, did you think I was goin' to remember everythin' happened after going through four cases of that Firebrand Whiskey that whatshisname brought us for savin' his hide from those Florans last week?"
"Apologetic, silly question then." and just like that I couldn't help but forgive him, hell he saved my bacon on so many occasions that I can't remember them all, hell's bells I couldn't remember even if I tried.
"Ya can say that but all I can think about is how on this god green earth did I take off your metal trousers and put them on? These things are very uncomfortable and they smell like oil." I asked as I struggled to remove the metal trousers from my legs.
As I went about taking off the armored pants I heard Jim mumble about being pants-less but I ignored it for now, these damn things are chaffing my legs! Jim got up off the floor and started to walk slowly but steadily to the door in the back of the ship where we kept some of our thing like our high-tech chest, the legendary nano-stove and kitchen set. What no one but Jim and I know is that throughout the ship I have hollowed out several places and strategically placed safes filled with pixels and loot from our travels, mostly pixels since I need that to buy fuel and the ever elusive milk, cheese and eggs.
Shimming out of the metal trousers I wiggled back and forth until after three minutes has passed I was out from that wardrobe malfunction and was now standing on my ship with no pants on, still slightly hungover and now wondering why the hell is my ship making that insistently annoying as hell beeping sound.
Stumbling and dragging myself to the front of the ship I stopped by the built-in locker that I had installed in this flying train of mine when I first built this thing and pulled out my emergency pair of clothes and I almost had to cringe because I had once again failed to throw my other pairs of emergency attire into the washing machine again.
"Man...why did it have to be my fancy waistcoat and pants that I am stuck with..." I let out mumble of sadness as I took off my stained shirt and threw that aside before donning only set of clean clothes.
Once that was done I heard from behind me the evenly placed steps from Jim but this was in a bit of a more panicked fashion, which means we have either been robbed again, or we are out of pizza....again.
"Distressed, Jet, I am sorry to say this but we are all out of pineapple pizza and that our rainbow unicorn statue has been stolen." Jim said as he hurriedly walked through the sliding door and went straight for the cockpit, I don't know if he is going to my captain's chair or to the fuel-gauge.
That was then it hit me, Jim's words finally sunk in to my star-gas fueled head.
Falling to my knees I threw my fists into the air and let out the most manly yell I can muster in my current partially drunk state.
"Noooooooooooooooo *cough* ooooooooo.......wait...the unicorn statue was stolen?" I stopped in mid scream when I heard that it was the statue that was stolen instead of our money.
"Correct." and with that one word all was well with the universe.
I visibly relaxed for all but four seconds before I gave my response to Jim, although I should have used some tact when I did talk back.
"Fuck it, we didn't need that damn thing anyways...bloody thing scared the shit out of me when I left the engine room three days ago." I said as I tightened the leather belt on my pants, making it properly fit me and that it wouldn't fall off at the worse moments, especially during a firefight, rather not get shot in the buttocks again.
"Confused, didn't we need to sell that statue to the penguin at the outpost three systems ago?" my metal friend said as he took off my old pair of pants and to my sadness got oil all over it, I guess that was used as a lubricant to get in seeing how fabric and metal doesn't always mix so well.
"Yeah, but I can just make another one." and I feel that I am quite proud with my craftsmanship skills that I have picked up over the decades.
"Sarcasm, you can't use a chisel and hammer to save your life." he said as he let out a chuckle, that chuckle was deep and slow but it was still a chuckle, something I never liked when it was directed at me.
"Ow, ow, ow, that hurt my feelings, all one of them." I said with a deadpan expression which can't be seen with the excepton of my brand slightly bending to form an upset cross which is just the horizontal bar bending barely at the tips.
"Sarcasm, your childish behavior will not earn you any favors when I go shopping for the milk and eggs needed for you chocolate cake." and just like that I was disarmed in the most painful kind of way possible, the depriving of delicious cake, oh the most evil of things to say and do to me.
Pouting while frowning I cross my arms while staring at the Glitch before uncrossing my arms as I moved around him and went to see how S.A.I.L. was holding up, here is hoping that she is has some good news for us cause at this point almost anything would be good enough for me to hear.
Turning on her screen I watched as an orange horse popped up and started to run through a series of diagnostic queues before finally finishing up by having a cowboy hat like my own appearing on top of her head.
"Howdy partner, you sure had one wild party last night! Did'ja enjoy the fireworks that I used for you and your friends!" S.A.I.L. said with a cute southern accent that is sure to get plenty of attention from the boys back home if that voice was on any novakid ladies, hell if she was a real novakid lass I would be all over her like white on rice! Or is that the other way around and be rice on white...white on rice? Same thing I think?
I knew there was a good reason as to why I picked that voice for her as I looked at the diagnostic reports, seeing if there was any signs of damage to the ship, our engines or to our FTL drive and luckily for the three of us that there was not one thing out of place.
"Fireworks? Sorry, I didn't see any, apparently I was very drunk last night cause I woke up wearing Jim's pants." I said as I walked to the fuel tank and tapped it open only to see and hear the empty hollow ringing sound of an empty tank.
"Uh...S.A.I.L....are you playing a trick on me cause there is no fuel in this here tank." I said with a bit of a nervous laugh, this wouldn't be the first time that she did this to me and Jim during our long voyage together.
In all of three seconds I heard S.A.I.L. hum before letting out a loud whinny of distress and I knew that this morning was about to go from bad to worse in a heartbeat.
"Partner, sorry to say this but we are outta gas."
"But...but we just filled your caboose to the top like one stop ago! How did we already blow through a thousand units of fuel!" I shouted in distress at the screen, I know that there is no way that we could have flown across the galaxy like that and waste every single drop of that purple liquid fuel that fast.
"Ah don't know, should I look through our fuel usage and see where it all went?"
"Yes...yes please, I rather not be stuck adrift in an unknown part of the known galaxy all because of a simple misuse of precious star fuel." I said as I started to rub my face, hoping that all of this is just one bad dream and I am stuck in the middle end of it.
Hearing the sound of S.A.I.L. humming seemed to have put me at ease for a moment but when she let out a snort I had to look up from the nice floor plating to the screen and what I saw made me feel like the dumbest Novakid in the galaxy. Staring me in the face was the report and what I was seeing wasn't pretty.
"I...I dumped all of our fuel?" and with that one comment I slowly walked backwards until my back in a wall and I just let my legs collapse underneath me as I slowly slid down until my butt hit the hard metal floor.
"I am sorry to say this partner but, yes, you did dump all of our fuel into the blackness of space."
"Please tell me that your scanners has picked up any signs of fuel that we can easily harvest so we can get to the nearest outpost and refuel." I said in a desperate attempt at trying to salvage this situation, I know that if we can't get any fuel in here then we are doomed to drift out here until we either starve to death or we crash into the sun.
Either of those two options are bad for Jim which would leave me alone, I could survive crashing into the sun seeing how I am pretty much a walking, talking, ass-kicking offspring of a star, I don't need to eat or drink either but it dawned on me that eating food makes me happy and drinking that cheap human piss water they call booze also makes me happy, so in essence it has no use but to put a smile on my face.
"Scanning...scanning...scanning...and done!" S.A.I.L. said as I looked up at the screen and saw a green and blue planet appear on the screen and started to spin as little pock-marks started to appear, detailing exact locations of possible fuel sources.
"Let it be good news S.A.I.L. cause if it ain't than I would be on the receiving end of another maul to the face."
"Don't worry sugar, it is good news but also a bit of bad news as well."
"Give me the bad news first." I said as I realized that might not have been the smartest choice I have made today but its a start.
"Alright, bad news, well this planet is inhabited by a large amount of species, some of them are smart in the sense to have towns and cities and such. Which means that we might have to secretly land and take it or just outright buy it with pixels."
"Do they even use pixels as currency?"
"Uh...maybe?"
"Good enough for me, so what is the good news?"
"I found some solarium deposits in the northwestern region of the planet but the vast majority of the fuel here is coal. I am certain that the solarium deposits would be our best bet on returning back to an outpost within the year." and with that being said I went into the cockpit and looked out the window to see the planet first hand, it had a moon floating beside it which should also mean if the planet doesn't cough up the solarium then we can just hollow out the moon instead for the liquid erchius...assuming that moon hasn't been mined out.
"Well...lets go to the planet first I guess, the moon should be our last resort, rather not go their first and find out that there is nothing there but moon dust and rocks and the occasional meteorite." I said and with the plan laid out before us I went over to the locker on my ship and pulled it open, taking out my two revolver's, I called 'em Old Faithful seeing how they pulled me out of numerous sticky situations and also my Winchester that I have taken to calling her Shirley, after the girl that I once dated a few years back, we broke up cause her pa didn't like me and he ended up being shot by me cause he pulled out his shotgun and nearly shot off my family jewels all for taken an interest in his daughter.
Anyways...
Putting on my leather duster over my fancy clothes along with my Stetson hat, putting my revolvers into their respective holsters and my lever-action rifle across my back, I also take out a red flashlight along with a lantern and a tent, I rather sleep in something that is moderately comfortable then sleeping on the ground.
"Statement. What are you planning?"
Looking up I saw that Jim was standing in the doorway, his pants back on him and his helmet back on his head. It seems like he heard everything and is planning on going with me.
"Well seeing how in my drunken state I managed to toss out all of the fuel that was in our tanks I am going down onto the planet to get whatever I can get my hands on, I rather not be stuck here forever." I said with a flat face that only other Novakid can see.
"Confusion. Were you planning on going down there alone?"
"Yes, why? Ya wanna come with me?" I said as I stepped onto an elevated metal circle, momentarily forgetting what it was as I looked at my durasteel clad friend.
"Negative. I am just wishing you luck in storming the castle." Jim said with a bemused chuckle, I knew he would just leave me out high and dry.
"Pfft, please, like they have castles down there." I said as I looked myself over to ensure that I had everything on me that I will need when I do go down there.
"Amusement. And if they do?" Jim said as he took off his helmet to reveal a little antenna with a red sparkler on it.
"Well...I would eat my hat." I said as I took off my hat and shook it at him before putting it back on.
"Challenging. Would you care to put a wager then."
"Yeah, sure. If there is a castle down there then I will eat this hat, and if there isn't you have to do the Remington in a nice dress with frills and heels." and once the deal was made we shook on it until I realized I forgot how to get down there.
"Umm...Jim." I asked as I eyed the big red button placed on the side of the elevated metal circle, wondering what its purpose is.
"Affirmative."
"What does this button do again?" and just like that I pushed it and in a blinding display of white light I disappeared from view.
"Pondering." the Glitch knight said as he walks back to the AI console and pulls up a chair from
"About what sugarcube?"
"If he will survive down there."
"Same bet?"
"Same bet."
"Okay...that landing could have been better." I coughed out as I pulled myself up off the ground, blades of grass and small bits of dirt fall off my face and clothes as I looked myself over to see if I lost anything and after picking out bits of mud from my matter manipulator before putting it back inside the inner duster pocket.
As I looked around I saw that I was surrounded by shrubbery of some sort, the sky was dark as it was night time and that I had apparently landed near a mountain as I saw there was some snow at the top of it.
"I can't believe the darn thing dropped me off near a mountain...well it could be worse, it could have dropped me near a castle." I said and as soon as I turned around I saw the very thing I was hoping I wouldn't see.
"I...but...what? No, that is not a castle, I will just turn around, close my eyes and turn back and it will be gone." I did as I said and when I closed my eyes before turning back, I opened them and saw a very large, very white, and very, real castle.
Falling to my knees I pointed my fist at the heavens before shouting out.
"Damn you Jim! Damn you!" I shouted almost at the top of my lungs and before I could stop myself from making such a mistake near a Glitch Castle I hear the all too familiar phrase that those robot knights always say when they see me going through their belongings for pixels and other treasure.
"Halt! Who goes there!?" a masculine voice shouted over the shrubbery hedges and with that being said a thought went through my mind.
'If this is truly a castle there must be a way for me to hide...that's it! I'll hide up a tree!'
Looking for the nearest tree I quickly jumped at it before grabbing onto the lowest branch, pulled myself up and once I have secured myself I waited patiently for the Glitch knights to show up so I can see what I am going up against before slinking off in search of the nearest solarium deposit.
"In the name of the princesses, reveal yourself!" the same guard that I had heard earlier speak up again and this made me think on his words.
'Princesses? I thought the Glitch only obeyed their king? Is this a different group of...erm....meaty Glitches in the shape of horses?'
"I could have sworn I heard somepony over here." the Glitch horse knight said as it slowly trotted to where I had landed and started to look around, the knight is wearing what looks like gold armor with white fur, and it is looking for me.
Watching the little horse knight trot and gallop around in search for me I heard the sound of many more horse knights and that was when I heard the sounds of wings flapping did I realize that their might be hostile flying monsters nearby or using this tree as their nest.
"Private, did you hear something?" a different masculine voice said, this guy sounded like is a veteran from a war or just an experienced knight.
"I did Captain Armor, it sounded like somepony was cursing another's name in vain." a much younger male voice, this one must have been the one shouting in a different tone to sound tougher, well it worked.
"If it came from here then they can't have gotten far." the captain said and with that I heard them all break off, I just hope I can get out of here without getting caught.
Once I have waited a sufficient amount of time I slowly climbed down from the tree and with a sigh of relief that there wasn't any of the horse knights here waiting for me.
"Phew, I lost 'em." I said with a grin on my face, glad to have gotten away scot free I straightened myself out before turning away from the tree and started to walk to the nearest shrubbery in hopes of finding a path away from the castle.
"Lost who?" a female voice said from behind me as the flapping of wings grew louder.
"Oh just a bunch of...uh oh." I said with the realization that I just spoke to one of the horse knights and when I turned around all I saw was a pair of iron-clad hooves kicking me in the face and it was lights out.
With a groan of pain I slowly force my eyes to open up to only see dark brick and mortar surrounding me on all sides besides the iron bars on a window built up high and the bars keeping me in. The Glitch threw me in prison.
"This ain't good."
