Friendship is Stupid!

by SwagDaddy

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Discord, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2879

Jack is a cynical jerk, while his only friend Robby is a happy go lucky brony. Robby takes it upon himself to change Jack for the better by forcing him into Equestria, but that might have been a bad idea.

Authors note: This story is just a fun little adventure but it does contain swearing so take heed. If you have any comments I would love to hear them, even if it's criticism. Especially if it's criticism. It's my first fanfic so don't expect much.

Jack and Robby. Two polar opposites but best friends nonetheless. Well, kinda. You see, Jack doesn't have that many friends as being a cynical asshole isn't that great of a characteristic. Robby has taken it upon himself to be the best friend Jack has ever had. But when he has the ability to have any wish he wants granted, he forces himself and Jack to go to Equestria.
But will it actually work or is Jack too far gone? Will he be too much for the main 6? Probably.

Published 2015-01-21 22:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-21 22:20:01 UTC

Prologue: It started out a normal day...

The day was beautiful. Birds were chirping, children were playing, and the azure sky was postcard worthy. But not everyone was happy this fine day. ”Alright, where’s that friggin key…”A teenager stopped outside the door to his home, having just arrived from the walk back from school. His hair was short, spiked, and jet black. He wore an open black jacket with a white shirt underneath and jeans. What stood out the most about this young man however, was his seemingly permanent scowl. This teenagers name was Jack, and he wasn't a happy person. Quite the opposite in fact. It seemed everything annoyed him greatly, but nothing annoyed him more than his only friend. As soon as Jack stepped inside the door and dropped his backpack, he heard a call that made him lock up instantly “JAAAACCKKKKYYY!”

No, not already! He nervously kept flipping through his keys. "There!" He finally found the main key and was about to put in into the lock when he felt a hand grab onto his collar.

No more than ten seconds later, Jack found himself being dragged along by his only friend, while he just crossed his arms as he skid along the ground. "I really fucking hate you Robby."

"That’s not very nice...Cmon, I got something to show you!" Robby ran with a large smile on his face as people pointed and laughed at the duo. This was a daily occurrence.

Robby was almost the exact opposite of Jack. His hair was messy and blonde, and his eyes were blue. He just radiated happiness and love. But no one ever understood how the happiest kid in possibly the world, could ever be friends, let alone best buddies, with one of the biggest jerks to ever exist.

They arrived at their destination, Robby literally dragging Jack into his house. Robby dropped Jack right in front of a table, with a small square object placed on its midsection, with a sheet covering all of it. “Wait here…” Robby went around the table whimsically, doing a spin when he reached the opposite end. With a quick swipe, Robby pulled off the sheet, “TA DA!” and what Jack saw made his jaw drop. It was an old, dusty, yellow TV. It was the size of a small microwave. "Look. Look at it." Rob pointed to the new TV. "Isn't it....amazing?!"

Jack eyed the entertainment device with disbelief, "...Why?" He sighed.

Robby grinned, “Because!" And at that, he turned the TV on, and immediately My Little Pony came up, theme song playing right on que.

"...NO." Jack glared at Rob, who only squealed in delight. "NO. NO. NO! WE ARE NOT WATCHING THAT." He tried to wrestle the remote from Robby, who struggled to keep it out of reach.

"But...it's my TV!"

"And I’m your guest! And I say NO!"

"Jacky, if you want to ever get more friends then you gotta learn how to love and tolerate!"

"I would really rather not!"

"But look!" The tv seemed to freeze on a frame with a certain pink pony's face filling up the screen. "IT'S SO CUTE."

"Yeah? What next, are you going to buy a plushie and call it your waifu?"

"I already have, but that's besides the point. You need to know the magic of friendship!"

"Oh yeah? You know what I think? I think friendship is stupid!" And that was what set the ball in motion.

".....OHYOUDIDNOTJUST." Robby’s jaw hit the floor. “TAKE THAT BACK!”

“MAKE ME YOU FATASS!”

“I'LL SIT ON YOU!”

“I'LL EAT ALL YOUR TWINKIES”

“...I don't even like twinkies!”

“Oh really? I thought you loved flesh colored phallic objec-”

“SHUT YO CRACKERJACK ASSES UP!” Jack and Robby froze as they looked around for the sound of the deep voice.

Rob looked to the TV and his face turned to curiosity, and so Jack followed his gaze. "...What the-?!"

There was a giant green man floating right next to them, his lower body was that of a cloud that was attached to the TV and his clothes matched that of an urban gangster of the nineties. "Man, u cracka asses don’t know how to shut the hell up, yo whiny ass squealing woke me up!” The man sighed as he folded his arms. "Anyways, I-"

"MAGICAL TV GENIEEEEE!" Rob squealed. "I WANT A PUPPY AND A PENGUIN A-"Jack smacked him upside the head, then glanced at the man warily, "...So, what are you and why are you coming out of the TV?"

The man smirked at Jack, and continued "See, my ass been layin dormant in that shit for a while now. u all woke me up wid yo stupid ass argument, and while it was kinda funny, it was real stupid ya dig? Aye, I got sumtin dat'll shut you up...”The gangsta genie smirked, "since u dumbasses were the only ones able to wake me up for decades, ill grant any wish you want!"

Jack's eyes went wide as a sudden pit formed in his stomach. He knew what Robby would say but it was too late. "ME AND JACKY WANNA GO TO EQUESTRIA SO I CAN TEACH HIM FRIENDSHIP!"

"...nigga das gay as fuk. aight i got chu tho."

"What?! No!"Jack screamed as the genie snapped and a portal opened, sucking the duo in. Soon Jack was falling through the air heading straight to the ground. His body began to feel weird, alien even. However he didn't care at the moment. All he knew was that Robby was gone and he was about to meet ground right. He mustered the only word he could say in this situation. "BUCK!"

The genie smirked as the duo disappeared in the portal. With a snap of his fingers, his appearance changed to something a little more strange. He had changed into a draconequus. "Those two will cause so much trouble, I can't wait to see the look on Celestia's face when the town's destroyed! Hah, and she'll never expect it to be because of me! Discord!"He let out a cheesy, cliche laugh that slowly died down. "...Ah well...that's enough exposition. It's time to get some front row seats!"

Author's Note

You like it? no? You think it's really stupid and hate it? You love it so much you'll carve my username into your arm and pray to me everyday?
Weirdo.
Give me some feedback telling me why!
Also I would love an editor.

...And now it's a nightmare

The impact didn't register at first. But when it happened, he was in an explosion of pain. Everything went dark. He opened his eyes just for a few seconds before passing out again. The last thing he saw were two bright blue eyes, and flowing pink hair...

Jack awoke to the sounds of voices, and someone shushing another. He groaned as his eyes tried to adjust to the scenery, and failed. Something didn't feel right. In fact, it felt very, very wrong. "Ugh...I..see colors..."His stomach began making disturbing sounds as he grabbed it in pain, "...I feel colors...."He suddenly lurched to the side of the bed, spewing vomit, which he could have sworn was a rainbow. "...I taste colors..." He spit, then his head fell and landed on a pillow, to which he realised he was on a bed. "...Huh…? Where…?"

"Don't yah worry sugar, you'll be right as rain in no time!" That voice sounded familiar...sounded country...and cutesy?
‘What was that?’ He struggled to get up but a sharp pain in his chest forced him to lay back down. He moved his hands over his chest and felt bandages covering his midsection. 'Wha...what? Why...why is there...' Before he could finish the thought he fell back to sleep.

He awoke several hours later. His first thought was that he got incredibly wasted last night and this was the hangover from hell. But, as he tried to think about it, his mind seemed blank, as if repressing something. He sat up in his bed, his eyes finally adjusting. Everything looked so...cartoonish. He shook his head trying to get his mind clear.

'Just a side effect of a hangover probably, might be under the effects of some kinda drug I took…’...That's when he looked down at his body and realized his chest was covered in bandages, and most importantly he had no fingers. No, just stumps, or rather hooves. Hooves were the last possibility on his mind however. "...Oh my god! My hands...where are my hands?! Why is my skin red?!"He looked himself over, his eyes wide with shock and so he glanced around the room, spotting a mirror. He rolled off the bed and tried to walk on his legs, but found he had no balance. He dropped down to his stumps and braced himself for ungodly pain, but surprisingly...it didn't come. In fact, it felt quite comfortable. 'Oh...oh no...what am I?...What...What have I become?!' Looking up, he spotted a mirror and slowly began walking towards it, not able to look at it straight just yet.. He stopped right in front of it, and gathering up courage to see what monster or deformed creature he had become, he looked up. He saw a stallion looking back at him, with dark red fur and wings resting on his back. The stallion had short messy black hair, and when Jack glanced down a bit he saw the bandages.

That's when he remembered everything that had led up to this moment.

Jack shoved his hoof into his mouth to hold back an angry scream. 'I'm...going...TO FUCKING KILL ROBBY!'. He took several deep, frustrated breathes as he tried to calm down, when he noticed someone watching him from the door. He turned his head slowly towards the peep, and the door closed with an "Eep!" He could have sworn it was the same pink hair from his dream, and those eyes...well all the ponies had huge eyes from what he came across on the internet, but up close? He shuddered at the image, it was kind of creepy. "Keep it together Jack...We'll get through this..."He took another glance at himself in the mirror. ‘Well,’ He thought,’ At least I'm still hot. Wait, no that's a bad thing...I don't want anyone falling for me. This...adventure will be more painful that way...'

He heard the door open again, but this time someone actually stepped in the room. Spinning around quickly, he was met face to face to another pony. "Easy now, I won't hurt ya!" The country girl voice. He finally found himself looking at another person, or rather pony, who was tan colored with long blonde hair done in a ponytail, and a cowboy hat perched right on top of her head. "How are ya feelin? You fell mighty far, it's a wonder you survived!" She said cheerfully. Jack already didn't like her. These ponies seemed creepy to him, and he really hated rednecks. "I'm Applejack! You got ah name stranger?" The pony tilted its head curiously at him.

"Er...yes." AJ looked at him expectantly. "...My name is…”He stopped and thought for a second before deciding he didn’t really care about making up some cutesy name. “Just call me Jack for now.”

“Well howdy Jack! You took ah mighty fall. You were too heavy to bring to the hospital so we had Nurse Redheart come and check you out. She says you'll be fine if you just rest." He raised an eyebrow at her but said nothing. "Follow me sugah, we got dinner ready! Oh, and you can call me AJ.” She motioned her head for the door and he sighed as he followed her.

"...Uh...thanks...Apple...AJ." It physically pained him to say their names, let alone acknowledge them. God these creatures were already irritating him…but he had no choice but to act good for once, he didn’t know what to expect from them. They might get violent. 'Oh wouldn't that be a sight?' He smirked to himself.

They went downstairs and there were a couple other ponies there. One rocking back and forth on a rocking chair, a giant stallion who seemed to be eyeing Jack, a small filly staring at him curiously.“Aww, no need to thank me! Big Mac was the one who saw yah fall!"

A much taller pony, who seemed to keep to himself away from the others, uttered a simple "Eeyup."

Applejack nodded and continued on, "And if Fluttershy hadn't helped fix you up, well..."

Jack looked around and saw the pony who ran away earlier, staring from behind Big Mac. She just blushed and mumbled “H-hi...” Jack cocked an eyebrow at her, but nodded to her anyways. Suddenly, a pink blur burst through the door, followed by a light blue unicorn with familiar blonde hair...

"OHMYGOSH AJ! I FOUND THIS PONY AND HE’S NEW AND WE NEED TO THROW HIM A PARTY BUT HE’S MISSING HIS FRIEND AND WE HAVE TO FIND H-"The pink one began to talk at an incredible speed, but spun and landed on her flank as the blue pony ran past her and straight towards Jack.

Jack was tackled into a bear hug, and he could feel his ribs crack from the pressure. “HAIIII JACKKKYYYY!"

The pink pony darted next to them right away, “OHMYGOSHWEFOUNDHIM! I have to throw you both the biggest parties ever! A REUNION PARTY. Oh but wait it's also a welcome to Ponyville party...A WELCOME TO PONYVILLE AND REUNITING WITH YOUR FRIEND PARTY!”

“OHMYGOSH,” Robby began to speak just as fast. “WE WOULD JUST LOVE A PARTY! IT COULD HAVE DESSERTS AND MUSIC-”

Applejack covered Robby's mouth with her hoof. "Now calm down you two! Pinkie he's injured, I don't think he should-"

Pinkie Pie wasn't even listening as she continued Robby's thought. "AND DANCING AND FRIENDS AND SINGING ANDANDAND..."

They both began to squee, and Jack muttered what was on everyone’s mind. “Oh my Celestia there’s two of them now…”

Feeling the pain raging through his body, he grabbed Robby by the back of his neck and spoke into his ear. "Get. Off of me. Or I'll show everyone here rule 34."Jack uttered in a low voice, causing Rob to immediately jump away with his lower lip shaking. "You would never!"

"Try me Buck Boy."

Applejack cut in again, trying to get things settled down "Calm down now, the both of ya! Lets just eat some of this amazing food we cooked up!"

Robby was about to open his mouth when Jack said firmly, "No, we were just leaving."

To which Pinkie blurted out "ButWHY?! Cmon stay a whileee!YourFriendToldMeYouGuysWeren'tFromAroundHereAndYouNeedAWelcomeParty!"

Jack looked her dead in the eye and said bluntly, "I hate parties."

The room filled with a deafening silence as everypony slowly back away from Jack. All, except for Pinkie. "WHAAAAAAAAT?!"

Jack blinked and looked at her awkwardly, his angry demeanor failing. "Uhm...I don't like p-"

Robby immediately covered his mouth. "Nono! He meant he loves them but uh...he's tired! Yeahhh, and uh...confused. He loves parties! I swear! "He glanced at Jack with a pleading look to play along. Jack returned the glance with an annoyed expression as he pushed Robby's hoof away.

"Listen, I just plummeted from the sky and probably broke a lot of my everything. I'm still wondering how I'm walking right now." The pain still wasn't fading in his chest. Noticing that Pinkie was giving him puppy dog eyes, he sighed. "...At least give me some time to gather my bearings, alright?"

She just pouted, "Fine! But you’re getting a party whether you like it or not!"

A vein popped up on Jack's head as he grumbled angrily. He glared at Robby, who returned his stare with an innocent smile. He motioned for his friend to talk in private, to which they huddled up in a corner, unaware they could still be heard. "...I hate you. So, so much. Why, oh Celestia why did you force me to come here!?” Jack whispered angrily.

"Well...it's just your so depressed and dark and moody and stufff!"Robby frowned sadly. "When you’re not drunk, you’re moping around! I thought you could do with a little color and happiness...Besides, you get to learn the magic of friendship!"

And then Jack yelled out something that caused gasps from the eavesdropping ponies, "Well you know what?! Friendship is stupid!"

"YOU’RE STUPID!" They immediately broke into a slap fight. Those who had recovered from the shock of what Jack said started to giggle as they watched the fight.

"Dah! Stoppit!" Robby cried out.

“Nevverrr!”

“JAAACKKYYYYY QUUUIIIITTTT ITTTTT!”

"I’LL STOP WHEN WE LEAVE THIS P-...pla......Robby." Jack froze in midair as his eyes opened wide. "...We...we never asked how to return home."

"Oh....Oh yeah..."Robby pursed his lips in realization, then grinned sheepishly at Jack.

"...I'm going to go find out if I can tie a noose with these hooves." He turned around to find Pinkie Pie in his face. Understandably, he jumped back with a slight cry.

With every word the pink monster got closer to his face. “You can run…but you can’t hide. I. Will throw you. The Best. Party. Ever." Her eye twitched a little, making Jack uneasy.

"...Uh...Rob, some help here?" Robby immediately stepped forward, smiling his innocent lovable smile, "And we'll love every moment of it!"

"YOU TRAITOR!"