If you go down in the woods today...

by Lunar Metal

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Nightmare Moon, Starlight Glimmer, Comedy, King Sombra, Random
Length: 1202

Drugs and camping never mix

When Starlight Glimmer joined a secret club, she never expected to be stranded in the middle of nowhere with two stoners. The moral of the story? Never do drugs kids... Never do drugs.

Published 2015-06-01 04:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-01 04:50:02 UTC

... You're sure of a big surprise

... You're sure of a big surprise

It was another dull day in Ponyville as Starlight Glimmer headed off to her job at the 7/11, a grump expression on her face. As she walked she passed by a tall tree, with what looked like a treehouse at the very top, though due to the height this was hard to tell.

“Hey wook, it’s Wahrlight!” A voice called from the top of the tree.

“Wahrlights woing to work!” Another voice called out, causing the pink unicorn to glare up at the treehouse.

“What’s that?! some stupid secret code?!” She called back, as a dark grey umbrum pony stuck his head out. None other than Sombra, or as Starlight liked to call him “bane of my existence”.

“We can’t tell you because you’re not a member of the club!” Sombra said as he stuck his head back in. Starlight glared up at the treehouse, before chuckling to herself.

“And what does it take to be a member, besides having two brain cells?” The unicorn laughed as Sombra called out again.

“You couldn’t get in this club even if you tried!” Which caused Starlight Glimmer to go off on a tirade about all the exclusive clubs she was a member of, though due to her frantic yelling it all came out as gibberish.

“What’d she say? Something about her cutie mark?” Sombra asked Nightmare Moon, who sat next to him in the treehouse.

“You and your cutie mark will definitely NOT fit in!” The alicorn called down, which set the pink unicorn off for a second time as she began to climb up to the treehouse, against the protests of the two occupants, and squeezed herself inside the small window of the structure.

“Well this is stupid, there’s no room up here!” The unicorn said as Nightmare Moon wiggled to get out from behind Sombra.

“That’s what we were trying to tell you!” She said huffily, pushing Sombra’s mane out of her face.

“We’ve been stuck up here for three days.” Sombra said as his stomach growled, due to the lack of food. Starlight glared at the two for several long moments.

“I’m outta here.”

“WIMP!” Nightmare Moon shouted as she summoned a hammer and threw it at Starlight. The hammer hit her dead on in the middle of her back and caused her to turn around and growl at the alicorn.

“WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!” Starlight yelled as she almost pulled an owl and turned her head around in a way that would baffle any chiropractor who bore witness to it. And with that one sentence, a fight erupted between the two mares. Sombra, receiving most of the blows as he could hardly dodge or move away. Thinking quickly, he used his magic to bend the tree down to the ground so he could escape… Also wondering why he didn’t think of this days earlier, but live and learn.

“CUTIE MARK STEALING WITCH!” Nightmare yelled as she smashed her hoof into Starlight’s mouth, Starlight aiming to land another blow in retaliation, but the alicorn wiggled out of the way and the blow struck Sombra’s horn. With the magic disrupted, the tree snapped back to it’s proper position and flung the treehouse and its occupants out of Ponyville and toward the deepest part of the Everfree Forest. When the treehouse landed Starlight was the first one out… and then started panicking.

“WHERE ARE WE?! WHAT IS THIS PLACE?! WHY ARE THE CLOUDS MOVING ON THEIR OWN?! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A PLACE OF FUN!” She shouted at the top of her lungs.

“Oh don’t act like a wimp it’s the center of the Everfree Forest. No big deal.” Nightmare Moon said as she pulled out what seemed to be a bong and started lighting it up.

“NOT A BIG DEAL?! WE’RE STUCK IN THE CENTER OF THE MOST DANGEROUS PLACE IN EQUESTRIA!”

“Hey don’t hog the weed!” Sombra said as he popped his head up from the shattered pieces of wood, scrambling over to Nightmare. Taking a hit himself, and sighing, he looked over at Starlight with the biggest smile imaginable.

“Relax, we’re fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine. We got this!” He then pulled out a plastic copy of the Crystal Heart, which had a pull string and speaker attached to it.

“They do not have this. They’re stoned out of their minds and trapped me in here…. HELP ME!” Tirek’s voice said in a high pitched female voice.

“....Okay you know what? I’m not going to be part of this huge episode reference anymore. All of you? Can go BUCK yourselves…. to ELEVATOR MUSIC.”

“Well, we gotta ask the Crystal Heart first.” Nightmare then pulled the string.

“Should we, um, buck ourselves to elevator music?” Sombra asked the plastic toy.

“Get me outta here!” Tirek’s small, almost female, sounding voice called out.

“Sorry, Heart says no.” Sombra said as he continued to take one big huff.

“Whatever.” Starlight said as she reached into her saddlebags, which were always there by the way, and found a pill and she popped it into her mouth…. and her eyes contracted. The whole world exploded into color and she could hear it red. Her words were seen and her hair was heard as it unfurled and became tentacles. Soon she was in a sea and swimming with an octopus with eleven arms. She then opened her mouth and ate the octopus… but then she fell into a lava pit and felt the fire burn her…. and right next to her was Sombra with a wide smile.

“So have you finished those errands yet?”

“GAH!” Starlight shouted as she swam away and crawled out to see her body nothing more than a skeleton. Fortunately she popped off her head and put it on a new body since she had a spare one.

Suddenly she found herself in a dark, dimly lit red room… The sound of something scratching, like metal on metal, made her jump.

“One, two, Moony’s comin’ for you…”  A pair of creepy fillies in white dresses sang as they skipped rope. She then turned to see Nightmare Moon wearing a fedora, her tongue long and snake-like as it wrapped around her neck, just loose enough for the unicorn to scream.

“What’re ya screaming for? I haven’t even cut you yet!” The alicorn then held up her hoof and four bloody claws then shot out of it.

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“Okay so looks like some stoners went on a camping trip and beat each other unconscious.” Rainbow Dash said as Twilight Sparkle flew down to inspect, Spike on her back. Twilight then facehoofed and sighed.

“These aren’t just ANY stoners.” The Princess of Friendship said as Spike hopped down and kicked Starlight Glimmer.

“Yo Starlight…. Ya alright?” The dragon asked as the unicorn convulsed and gurgled incoherently. Spike shrugged, then spied the left over bong on the ground.

“Well might as well make this day interesting.” He then fired it up himself… Unfortunately it had been laced by Starlight the night before.

“Spike! What are you doing?!” Twilight said running over to him.

“GET AWAY EVIL PURPLE VACUUM CLEANER!” Spike then smashed the bong over Twilight’s head, knocking her out.