Prologue: Karmic Creation
"Mmkay, let's see... a pinch of pixie dust...got it. Two cups of apple cider...got it. One phoenix feather...got it. Three cacao leaves...um...oh yeah, I got em. A teaspoon of unicorn saliva...man what a pain that one was, but I got it. And of course..."
Spike looked down at his arm. Just think....It's for Rarity...you can do it. Don't think about it. Just do it... And with a wince, he closed his eyes and ripped a scale straight off of his arm.
"YEOWCH!.......a...a piece of yourself. I got it...ow..."
And with that, he tossed his scale into the bubbling concoction of things before him, and it made a little splash as it melted into the mystical orange liquid. On a dark summer night such as this one, the orange glow of the potion in his black cauldron gave him just enough light to see what he doing, but fortunately it wasn't so bright it would wake up Twilight. He wished he could work in the day, when he wasn't so tired. But he couldn't let her find out what he was doing...
Spike had set up a little magic laboratory in the library, consisting of a black pot intended for alchemy, a few assorted measuring instruments, and a book entitled Magical Potions for the Non-Magical Pony. Normally, Twilight Sparkle would have probably been quite proud that her Number One Assistant was finally pursuing something intellectual and scientific. But Spike knew he had to keep this project a secret, for Twilight would surely be furious if she knew his true intentions....
Spike intended to create, in essence, a love potion. He came across the idea one day when he was sorting through Twilight's absolutely mess of a study area. He had been quite tired that evening from cleaning all day, and he accidentally dropped one the books while putting it away. Upon hitting the floor, the book had opened up, and the heading on that particular page caught Spike's eye:
"How to Create A Love Potion - A Simple Spell for Winning Anypony!"
Spike knew that this might be wrong. The moral implications of forcing somebody to be in love with you were...well, implicating. But when that title caught his eye, he couldn't help but find himself a little curious. Could it be true? Could it really be that simple to cure his heartache? He had been thinking about her all day that day, he couldn't stop himself from at least taking a look.
And thus, Spike found himself in possession of Magical Potions for the Non-Magical Pony. Spike wasn't exactly a pony, but he doubted that mattered. And when he read the instructions to find the potion would be a rather easy one to make, his temptations and desires overcame him. He rummaged through Twilight's things to find her old alchemy pot, gathered the necessary ingredients, and, well...three weeks later, it was tonight.
It had taken Spike a while to work on the potion for enough nights to get it finished. Twilight had a tendency to pull all-nighters watching the stars, or fretting over how to cope with the recent trauma of getting only a 98% on her unicorn history report. And so it took several sessions of adding ingredients to the cauldron at night, then hiding it in the kitchen cupboard before dusk. And man, was that thing heavy! It was even bigger than Spike was, so he was sure he'd gotten stronger from pushing that thing around.
And tonight, it was finished! Spike sighed with relief and wiped some stress off his brow, smiling as he admired his creation. He had done this for Rarity- his sweet, beautiful Rarity, the wonderful pony who ran the fashion shop. Soon she would be his. The thought filled his scaly stomach with butterflies...
"It won't be long now, Rarity..." he whispered. "Soon we'll be together..."
Curiously enough, when a love potion cooled down after it was finished, it was basically the color and taste of your average cup of coffee. Thus giving new meaning to the phrase, "want to come inside for a cup of coffee?"
It was now morning in Ponyville. The birds were singing the peaceful tunes of summer, and sunshine serenely flowed through the windows into Twilight Sparkle's house. Apparently such a peaceful, quiet scene was rather offensive to Twilight Sparkle's alarm clock, so it expressed its' distaste like any polite and proper pony: by screaming like a maniac and waking up everypony in the house.
Within moments Twilight Sparkle was out of bed, absentmindedly brushing her mane in front of the mirror and mentally reviewing what to put on her checklist for today.
Let's...see... she thought groggily. Rarity...coming over....ugh...sleep. Bed...no, brush. Coffee. Need coffee. I wonder what paste tastes like...mmm....it feels good to close my eyes....no! Checklist....um...Rarity....friendship report...sleep....Trollestia...Spike...all toads are frogs but not all frogs are toads.....gotta shop today.....bed. Sheets feel good like candy. I want to sleep....wait. What? Checklist....checklist....bed...shower...I NEED COFFEE!
As per usual, Twilight's thought process was a little...ah, jumbled in the morning until she had her daily cup of coffee to wake her up. Giving up on fixing her mane right now, she tossed the brush away and sleepily made her way down the stairs.
"Spike..." she called out, yawning. "Could you....*yawn*...please make me a...coffee....*yawn* There's a lot to....get done....today..."
The purple baby dragon was instantly on the scene. "You got it, Twi!" he cheerily assured her, giving her a thumbs up as he ran to the kitchen. Normally, at this time of the day Spike was hoarding away in his bed, forsaking sunlight and not waking up until much later. But today, Spike felt the same kind of excitement that made fillies everywhere wake up early on Hearth's Warming Eve. Not only was his love potion finished, but this morning Rarity was coming over! She was coming to discuss some sort of dress design or whatever with Twilight and have a few drinks. The reason didn't matter to Spike. What mattered is that this was an opportunity.
"Ya want milk in it, Twilight?" he called to her as he got out the dishes.
"Yeah....that'd be nice..."
"And how about sugar?"
"Sure...*yawn*...."
As he prepared Twilight's morning coffee, adrenaline and giddy excitement was coursing through Spikes very aura. Oh man, this was so exciting! For years, Rarity had been the pony of his dreams...he had always desired her...and finally, today might be the day! Today, she would confess her feelings for him...today they would spend time together...and maybe, if Spike played his cards right....perhaps...she might even give him a kiss...
The thought sent Spike into a lovestruck daze. His boyhood fantasy preoccupying his every thought, he went through the motions of making Twilight's coffee without really paying attention to what he was doing. He didn't really even realize he had made her coffee already. Soon, it was just...there. A cup of coffee, already hot and ready. Well that went quickly. But who cares? All that mattered was the bright future that awaited him and Rarity...he could barely see clearly as the thought enveloped his consciousness.
"Thanks, Spike..." mumbled Twilight, using her magic to retrieve her beloved morning fuel. Spike barely heard her. He could only think of the fact that Rarity would soon be here.
Oh, that's right! he thought. I better get the love potion ready before she gets here...I'll just go get the cauldron and...
*bonk*
"Huh?"
Confused, Spike rubbed his head from the mild pain. He had just walked into something...the cauldron. Wait, why was it already out? What was it doing here on the floor? Spike didn't recall leaving it out last night...yes, he specifically remembered the workout of moving it back into it's hiding place last night. And even if he did forget about it, why in Equestria would he have left it here?
It took him a few moments of standing there, until a horrific realization suddenly dawned on him.
"...Oh no."
Ah. Clarity. It was always such a refreshing feel, satiating your caffeine addiction in the morning. As the hot, bitter liquid flowed down Twilight Sparkle's throat, her critical thinking skills slowly returned to her and she found her mood instantly improving. She loved coffee.
Alright! she confidently declared in her mind. Today I should finish reading Observations of Changelings: A Report On Hive Life, and try and find something new to report to Princess Celestia! Oh, and Rarity is also coming over soon to talk about my dress for the next Gala...I guess I should prepare some drinks for her? And Spike...
"...Oh no," she then heard her Number One Assistant dreadfully whisper. The little dragon was turned away from Twilight, frozen in place. What was that about?
Ah, cute little Spike, she thought. Who knew what he was worrying about now. But it was so cute whenever he did! In fact, it was pretty cute whenever Spike did anything, what with his lovely curves and shiny scales...
Oh, Spike...you're so adorable in such a special way...you're like a ...a scaly, adorable little stallion...my Spikey-Wikey...you're so...I want to...
Wait, WHAT?
What was Twilight thinking?! What were these kinds of thoughts? She found herself blushing as she observed Spike. What was this feeling? She...she couldn't stop thinking about how adorable Spike was...no, how stallion like Spike was...she couldn't believe this...with each moment, she found herself growing hotter and hotter at the thought of her pet dragon...this couldn't be right. Maybe the caffeine was getting to her?
No. It was not getting to her. Within moments she was grabbed by a deep inner conviction. She loved Spike. Spike was the perfect pony for her, even if he wasn't really a pony. How could she have not realized it before?! It was as if she had seen him for the first time!
"Oh man. Please no. Please no....TWILIGHT!!!" Spike exclaimed in a panic. he turned around a rushed over to her.
"DON'T DRINK IT!! DON'T DRINK IT!!!" he shouted at her in a frenzy. In a display of ninja-like skills, he swiftly grabbed the coffee mug and promptly annihilated it with his dragon fire.
"Did...did you just destroy that mug?" asked Twilight rhetorically, a little startled. "Um...why?"
"Twilight!" cried Spike. "Please tell me you didn't drink that! Please!"
She didn't answer him. Instead, a mischievous grin covered Twilight's face and a seductive fire appeared in her eyes. She leaned her head down towards Spike and looked him the eye.
"Oh, the coffee? ...That doesn't matter. I think what matters more, is that we make a checklist...of all the reasons you're simply prodigious."
"Twilight!" Spike yelled in a panic, grabbing Twilight by the shoulders. Panicking, he said the first thing he thought of that could stop this. "You're...you're like a sister to me, Twilight! You know?! I view you as my older sister!"
The purple mare responded to this by leaning in next to Spike's head, and whispering sensually in his ear:
"Incest occurs in 72.3% of animals. It's natural."
....In the words of Big Mac:
NOPE.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" roared the baby dragon at the top of his lungs- which was quite loud, actually, considering he was a dragon. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't have Twilight Sparkle be in love with him! When he said he viewed her as a sister, he meant it! Within seconds, Spike was running away as fast as he could. He dashed out of the front door with the speed of a Wonderbolt.
What had he done?
And thus begins the story of how Spike became a stalking victim. A story that will end horribly.
Dear Princess Celestia,
There has been an incident and now Spike has run away. Is there any way I could use magic to track him down so he doesn't get hurt? I'm really worried about him.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
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My Dear Twilight,
Is everything okay between you and Spike? I do hope so. If you need to get him back home, I would suggest combining a Reverse-Teleportation Spell with a Tracking Spell. That will get him back home immediately. It's a complicated spell, but I have confidence a unicorn of your talent should have no problem pulling it off. Good luck, my little pony.
Yours truly,
Celestia
P.S. Wait, how did you send me this letter if you don't have Spike?
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Dear Princess,
You gotta help me! Twilight is in love with me and wants to catch me! I don't know what to do! Help!
Spike
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Dear Spike,
Are you with Twilight? What exactly do you mean, she is in love with you? I have received a letter from Twilight saying you ran away. Was there a fight? Please return to the library, Twilight is worried about you.
Yours truly,
Celestia
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Princess,
I don't have much time, seriously! Help me! Twi somehow teleported me back and now I'm chained up! She's coming back into the room! Please do so
[the letter stops here]
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Dear Princess Celestia,
I sincerely apologize for that last letter from Spike. I don't know what it said, but right now Spike is very angry with me for making him mine- er, come home early. Please excuse his behavior, you know how baby dragons are, right? Ha ha.
Youir faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
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My Dear Twilight,
What's going on? I am receiving very worrying reports from Spike. Could you please explain to me what's going on?
Celestia
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Dear Princess Celestia,
Well you see, me and Spike had an argument about if Spike would be allowed to rent a Mature-rated book from the store, and I didn't let him. He got mad and yelled, so I told him to drag his hot, beautiful- ugh, this pen! It told him to drag his flank upstairs and think about what he said, but then he ran out of the hou~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Princess, this is Spike! I just knocked out Twilight and I don't have much time! I gave her a love potion and now she's acting crazy! You have to help me! PLEASE!
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Dear Princess Celestia,
I apologize for the last letter, you see how immature he's behaving today? I promise to punish him for this. I won't give him any kisses for a whole six minutes, let's see what he thinks of sending bad letters then!
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
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Twilight,
Kisses?! Twilight Sparkle, please tell me what's going on right now! It sounds you're under the influence of some dark magic, I'm really worried!
Celestia
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Dear Princess Celestia,
I am not under any influence. If I was under some sort of dark magic, would I have been able to save Spike's life when he tried to jump out the window just now? I really don't what's come over him, he's behaving in a really self-harmful way today so I've had to restrain him for his own protection. I'm not sure what's going on; I think that bitch Rarity has corrupting him with her beauty. Princess, who do you think is prettier, me or Rarity?
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
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Dear Princess Celestia,
I'm am very sorry to bother you! But it's just, well you see Spike came to my house and he's really scared. He said that Twilight is after him because of a love potion. I hate to be a bother, but he sounds really scared and I don't know what to do! Is there any way you could give some advice? If you want to, of course.
Sincerely,
Fluttershy
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Dear Princess Celestia,
Spike has run away again. I'm sorry about this whole mess! I think I know where he is. I'm going to go retrieve him and teach that mare a lesson.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
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Princess Celestia!
It's simply dreadful! Twilight has gone mad and she's trying to break into the boutique! She's screaming terrible things at me, I think she thinks I killed Spike! The doors won't last much longer! Please, your Majesty, I'm not sure who else to turn to! What ever shall I do?
Your humble servant,
Rarity
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Dear Rarity and Twilight,
First of all, how are you two sending these letters without Spike?! Rarity, please give this letter to Twilight. She is currently under the influence of a love potion and she must think that you are hoarding Spike.
Twilight Sparkle, please calm yourself! I know where Spike is and he is not with Rarity. If you can calm down and promise not to hurt this pony, I will tell you who he is with.
Yours truly,
Princess Celestia
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My Dear Fluttershy,
I'm very sorry you had to become involved in all this. I will be sending Zecora over to your house soon. Please await her arrival. If Twilight shows up, pretend you are not home.
Yours truly,
Princess Celestia
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Dear Zecora,
I'm sorry to bother you, but this an urgent royal favor. Please create an anti-love potion and bring it to a pegasus pony named Fluttershy; she lives in the cottage just outside the Everfree Forest. Time is of the essence. If you perform this favor for me, you will be rewarded.
With royal blessings,
Princess Celestia, Regent of the Sun
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Dear Princess Celestia,
I'm very sorry, but you do know those letters you're sending to Rarity and Zecora are being received by Spike, right? I'm sorry if I offended you, it's not like I think you're incompetent at your job or anything! Really!
Much apologies,
Fluttershy
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Dear Spike, and also Mysterious Slutty Mare,
Spike, why are you running away from me? I love you! And I know that deep down, you feel the same way! We've lived together for years, it's a statistical likelihood that two ponies of the opposite sex living together would grow close! We're meant for each other, Spike!
Look, Spike. I want you to know that this mare you're with is deceiving you. I know you THINK you're in love, but you're not. Love isn't about being crazily obsessed with somepony, or about being infatuated! Just because they've tricked you into following them over the ends of the earth in the name of love doesn't mean you really love them! You're going to realize that what you're feeling is completely fake, and then you're going to feel like a foal! I'm only trying to help you, Spike.
As for you, Mrs. Mare...
I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for a ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have, are a very particular set of skills.
Skills I have aquired over a very long education. Skills that make me a nightmare for ponies like you.
If you let my Spike go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you.
But if you don't...
I will look for you.
I will find you.
And I will kill you.
Love,
Twilight Sparkle
