Love Arrows Of Doom

by Rated Ponystar

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Shining Armor, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance
Length: 8516

Cadance decides it's time to bring love to the world on Hearts and Hooves Day. Archery Style!

Ah, Hearts and Hooves Day. A time of love between two ponies who love each other very much. A time of flowers, chocolates, kisses, and arrows. Love arrows specifically. Deciding to try a more action oriented approach this season, Cadance has donned her own superhero costume to bring love to the world with magical love powered arrows.

Will this lone cupid bring joy to the hearts of many? Or shall she only bring ruin and awkwardness?

Commissioned by Anonymous.

Edited by Jake The Army Guy and Magic Man. Thanks to Ariaannaa for letting me use the art

Published 2015-01-21 19:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-17 23:54:47 UTC

An Archer Rises

It was a special day in the Crystal Empire, but also around the world as well. The griffins called it Valentines Day. The Zebra language, when translated, called it Give Love To All Day. And the Minotaurs actually celebrated it last week, but it was still called Mating’s Day. For ponies though, it was Hearts and Hooves Day.

Normally, such a day would be special, but when your ruler was the alicorn of love itself, you tend to give it a bit of an extra special meaning. All around the Empire, the crystal ponies could be seen decorating and celebrating the holiday with great vigor. Stores were decorated with little cupid ponies, heart shaped banners or balloons, and discounts on any flowers, chocolates, perfumes, jewelry, and other romantic items one associated with today. Trees were covered with carving from couples whose initials were placed in hearts that were carved on the bark. And, naturally, ponies of all ages could be seen giving cards, hugs, kisses, or marriage rings to those they really cared about.

All of this was topped off with a big glowing heart at the top of the Crystal Palace, an illusion Princess Cadance had powered up with the Crystal Heart. The Heart itself was surrounded by dozens of wish cards for those who sought its power for courage to confess their feelings.

The inside of the palace was just as grand. With some alicorn magic, Cadance was able to turn the entire palace red and pink, making girls squee in joy and boys moan in disgust. Even the guards were asked to wear red and pink armor. With the aid of her loyal hoofservants, Cadance was putting the last of the decorations in the palace room. Hundreds of red roses filled the room. Giant heart-shaped balloons—graciously donated by Pinkie Pie—floated in the air. The throne was replaced with three crystal statues: one with a mare and a stallion kissing, and the other two containing two mare and two stallions doing the same thing. A testament to love in many forms.

“You’ve been working on all this since six this morning. Shouldn’t you take a break?” asked a voice from behind.

Smiling, Princess Cadance turned around to see Shining Armor—Prince-consort of the Crystal Empire, Commander of its Armed Forces, and total romantic goofball—smiling at her while levitating a coffe mug bearing the words "World's Best BBBFF" beside his dorky smile. Heedless of decorum, the two kissed passionately, ignoring the giggles from the aids who politely went back to working. After several seconds, and with a disapointed moan from him, Cadance pulled back and smirked, plucking the coffee from his telekinetic grip and giving him a little boop on the nose. “And how many times have I told you that during your training drills with your soldiers?” she said, walking back towards their bedroom.

Blushing, Shining Armor followed his wife before answering, “T-that’s different. You never know when we’ll be attacked!”

Cadance only shook her head before she opened their bedroom and sipped some of the coffee before she turned around with a gleam of mischief in her eyes. “I want to show you something. Sit on the bed.”

Shining’s cheeks turned red as he eyed the bed and his wife before a big smile stretched across his muzzle. “W-whatever you say, darling.”

Cadance gave him a quick peck before she rushed over to the closet, stepping inside and closing the door. When he was sure his wife was gone, Shining Armor pumped his hoof in the air and sat on the bed like a dog waiting a treat. He could only imagine what his wife was going to come out wearing, especially for Hearts and Hooves Day. It could have been a sexy nurse. A sexy ninja. A sexy valkrin. Even a sexy goth would be fine. Everything was open as long as it was sexy.

“Okay! I’m ready!” said Cadance, behind the closed door. Shining Armor rubbed his hooves in anticipation, but when the door opened all he could do was stare in confusion. “What do you think?”

“Um,” said Shining Armor, trying to figure out what his wife was wearing. She was in a skin tight archers outfit, like one of those Rangers that Princess Celestia had to watch over the Badlands for any trouble, only the collar had a little heart cut out in the front. Instead of the traditional green or brown, it was purple with some shade of pink via stripes that extended from her center color to her rear hooves. There was also a purple cloak that flapped through the air thanks to the wind from the window. Her forehooves had matching golden bracelets with miniature diamond hearts in the center that looked similar to the Crystal Heart. Finally, she had a purple masked that covered the upper part of her face. Wielding a quiver of arrows behind her and a purple bow in her magical grip, she posed like a superhero in front of her husband who only asked, “Why are you dressed like that?”

“Well, it’s Hearts and Hooves Day, right?” Shining nodded dumbly. “So, it’s time for my yearly tradition of making ponies fall in love! But this time I’m going to do it with style!” With a flourish, Cadance pulled out an arrow from the quiver, notching it in the bow she held. “I’ve been making various type of loves arrows that have all kinds of effects. Such as giving you the courage to address your feelings! Observe!” Cadance walked over towards their window and looked down where two guards were patrolling the front gates, one stallion and one mare. Cadance pointed to the male and said, “Private Malachite has had a crush on Private Violet Top for about a few months. This arrow is gonna give him the push he needs to ask her out.”

“It’s not gonna hurt him, is it?” asked Shining Armor, getting off his bed to observe better.

“Oh course not. It’s just gonna be a bit of a pinch and then the arrow disappears. He won’t be hurt at all,” assured Cadance as she drew that arrow back and aimed. “Unlike the practice ones at least.”

“Wait, what?” asked Shining Armor just as Cadance fired the arrow.

It sailed through the air until it landed directly on Private Malachite’s cutie mark, causing the stalwart soldier to give a loud yelp. Before he could even turn to see what hit him, the arrow disappeared and Malachite eyes flashed pink for a split-second. He turned to his partner, foreleg scratching the other, and asked, “H-hey, Violet?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want... to go out for coffee later?”

“Sure, I’d love to,” said Violet with a smile before she focused back on her duties.

A goofy smile decorated Malachite before he resumed his duties as well. Meanwhile, Cadance was smiling with satisfaction. “See? Am I good or what? Just call me... Pink Arrow!”

Shining Armor blinked several times. “Okay. One, stop stealing Spike’s comic books.”

“Hey, I’m just borrowing them!”

“Two, I don’t know about this, Cadance. Shouldn’t you let love be as it is? I mean, I know helping ponies with their love problems is your deal, but maybe this is going too far?”

Smirking, Cadance pulled out an arrow that had a very big red tip. “If you let me do this, I’ll use this arrow which is designed to increase hormones between a pony and the love of his life by ten fold... for us tonight?”

In less then a second she was being pushed out by her husband with a beet red face.

Author's Note

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An Archer Strikes... And Totally Fails

Bow in her magical grip, Cadance felt the wind in her mane as she flew across the sky, just high enough for her subjects to not notice her while close enough to see them from above. Her horn glowed softly as she summoned her alicorn magic to find those were in need of her love. She already had one successful pairing today and she was eager to have more.

Landing on top of a coffee shop, she sensed distress in the area and quickly looked around before noticing two ponies arguing with each other at a coffee table under an umbrella, a purple stallion and a red mare, both with striking brown manes. The stallion seemed to be accusing the mare of something.Cadance cast a small eavesdropping spell Twilight had taught her and listened. a spell on her ears to listen in.

“... and another thing! Why do you always have to say what I should and shouldn’t do?! I’m two years older than you! I think I know how I’m supposed to act in a relationship!” the stallion said with a growl. “This is your first time with a coltfriend. Maybe you should listen to the guy who knows what it takes to keep love going.”

“Oh, please! You're just sour that I’m better pony in the bed then you are,” scoffed the mare.

Seems like this couple needs a reminder of what is between them. A “Love At First Sight” arrow should do the trick.

Cadance drew her arrow out, notched it, aimed at the stallion, and fired. It was a true hit, directly above the stallions jackhammer cutie mark. He yipped just before the arrow disappeared and his eyes turned pink.

The mare raised her eyebrow and shook her head. “Did... did an arrow go into your butt?”

“I don’t know, maybe you should check inside and see?” said the stallion, leaning closer with a sly smirk on his muzzle.

The mare froze and slowly turned to the stallion. “W-what?!”

The stallion grabbed her hoof from across the table. “Oh, Ruby. What a fool I’ve been! I don’t love Jade Eyes, I love you!”

The mare stared at him. “W-What?!”

“I know it’s taboo, but society be damned! I love my sister, and I don’t care who knows it!”

Cadance’s eyes nearly popped out. “What...”

“W-what?!” shouted the sister, who stood from her seat like it was on fire. Her brother continued to crawl on the table, inching closer to her as he shifted his bottom left to right.

“Yes, it’s true. I knew it ever since the day you came out of mommy’s womb and gave that first beautiful cry that you were the one for me! Kiss me, Ruby! For there is no true love like that of siblings!”

“Get away from me, you psycho!” shouted Ruby as she ran out into the street, screaming while her brother chased her, proclaiming his love for her.

Cadance just sat there, stunned. “O... kay... I may have screwed up on that one... gotta fix it!”

She drew another arrow, thanking her lucky stars she designed the arrows to cancel each other out if they hit the same pony twice. She chased after the two, notching the arrow, and tried to aim at the brother, but he was zig-zagging across the street, trying to pounce on his hapless sister. Taking a chance, she fired the arrow, but instead of hitting her target it hit another crystal pony who was painting a sultry looking mare on the side of a bus stop.

The pony blinked his pink-flushed eyes, then threw himself at the still-wet painting. “Oh, Java-Bean Jane! Be mine, you foxy coffee girl!” He attacked the painting with kisses, slobbering all over the wall, panting passionately. Several moments later, he pulled back, face covered in muddied colors, and gasped in horror as he saw the love of his life now smeared into something that would make Hoofson Pollack proud. “Jane! Noooooo!”

Cursing, Cadance drew another arrow and fired again, only this time her aim was even worse. The arrow went wild, smacking into the rump of a crystal dog. The dog yelped, then spotted a cat and started chasing after it with hearts in its eyes. The cat screeched and ran away as both owners, holding the leashes, were dragged by their pets.

“Oh, come on! Stay still, dammnit!” shouted Cadance as drew a third arrow.

The brother had managed to tackled the sister and was standing on top of her despite her struggle. “Gimme some sugar, sister!”

“Help!”

Cadance fired the third arrow. Thankfully this time her aim was true, and the arrow dug into the brother’s rump. He yipped before the pink in his eyes faded away. Looking down, he saw his shocked, and disgusted sister, and tilted his head in confusion. “Um, Ruby. Why am I on top of you?”

Ruby’s response was a firm, swift kick between his hindlegs. He gave a silent cry of pain before tipping over on his side, holding his pelvis like it was about to fall off. With her path clear, Ruby ran like a demon was behind her as Cadance levitated there in the air, rubbing the back of her head.

Okay, so note to self. Make sure I listen to the conversation better before judging.

****

Despite her setback, Cadence was not going to give up so soon. Ducking into a nearby park, she darted from tree to tree, searching for new targets to help out. However, it seemed that everypony was fine with their own romantic lives: two stallions snuggled under the tree, tails intertwined as they enjoyed a picnic; little colts giving fillies cards or candy which earned them a kiss on the cheek. Even married couples were spending time together by going on walks in the park.

Cadence couldn’t help but feel disappointed. I got all dressed up in this costume to do some good in the world by helping ponies with their love problems, but how can I be the Princess of Love if everypony is already in love?!

“How can I tell him,” muttered somepony nearby as if Cadance’s prayers were answered. She turned around and saw a emerald crystal pony by a balloon stand, holding his chin up with his hoof. “Every year it’s the same thing. I keep trying to tell him but my nerves fail me. Especially on this day.”

Cadence nearly gleefully squeezed upon hearing this and reached for a “Courageous Heart” arrow that would give him the bravery he need to express himself on whatever it was he wanted to do. Soon, my subject, you will have a coltfriend who will love you.

She aimed for him and was about to fire when somepony spoke behind her. “Princess Cadence?”

“Eep!” shouted Cadence who turned around and fired the arrow. She watched in horror as one of her guards, Private Flash Sentry, was knocked off his feet as the arrow entered him. “Oh my gosh! Flash, are you okay?!”

“Ugh, I think so,” muttered Flash as his eyes glowed pink. “Wh-what are you doing here? And dressed like that of all things?”

“Um,” Cadence gulped and rubbed the back of her head. “Secret... alicorn... princess... stuff... it’s all very... secret.”

Flash Sentry raised an eyebrow before slowly nodding. “R-right. Anyway, sorry to cut this short. I need to go meet with somepony and... well...” he blushed and turned away. “t-tell... h-him how much he means to me.”

He flew away as Cadence sighed in amusement. Oh, that Flash. Off to go tell Twilight how much he... wait... Her eyes widened. Did he say ‘he’? Oh... Oh... dear...

Twilight was not going to be happy about this if she ever found out.

Shaking her head and pushing aside how she was going to tell her heartbroken sister-in-law that her crush was...well, crushed, Cadence focused back on her task. She took another “Courageous Heart” arrow and this time successful aimed and fired it at the balloon vendor. After his eyes turned pink, a gray marble colored stallion with flowers in his hair walked over with another stallion who happens to be light blue. They walked over and presented a few bits.

“Hey, there. A balloon for my coltfiriend over he-”

“He’s been kissing other men!” shouted the balloon vendor with a smug on his face, pointing to the light blue crystal pony standing next to the first. His coltfriend and Cadence’s jaws dropped as did a few others who were nearby. “Yeah! This bastard comes here with three other guys each week! I didn’t know what to say until now!” He snorted. “Of course, that’s not as bad as the fact that you’ve been sleeping with his brother at the same time.”

Cadence put her hooves over her face and moaned. The spell of the arrow was designed to give you the courage to say your truest hearts desire. That didn’t always mean love though.

While the ex-couple was now glaring at each other, the balloon pony got up and spread his hooves. “Hay! I’m feeling so confident that I’m gonna say a lot of things about you so called couples! ‘ve been at this job, in this park, for so long that I see all of you hypocrites lying to each other that I’ve had enough! It’s time for the truth to come out!” He pointed to a fat mare and a skinny stallion. “You two haven’t had sex since you got married because your husband thinks yer fat plot will kill him for good next time!” Then to two young teenage stallions. “Your marefriends are gay with each other. Deal with it.” He then pointed to a mare “You lie to your friends about having a coltfriend when really it’s just a blow up doll!”

On and on he went about each couples hidden secret that soon it became drowned out by the arguments, fighting, and tears from each broken couple. Cadence just stared at all this in horror. I need to fix this! Now!

Desperate times called for desperate measures and Cadence wiped out the “Love Bomber 2.0” arrow. She aimed it high into the sky and let it loose, letting it soar high above before falling down and landing in the middle of all this chaos. At first it did nothing, then it exploded in a flash of bright purple light that had everybody in a single mile radius. Cadence closed her eyes and when the light faded she saw the results of her arrow at full force. Everypony that was caught in the blast was now making out with each other, and not just the former couples. Even ponies who had no affiliation with each other were making out and it was soon begin to... heat up as ponies tore their clothes from each other and go on top of one another.

Well... not the fixer upper I was hoping for but close enough, thought Cadence as she teleported away.

Later, a legion of guards would be sent to deal with what would be known was the “Hearts and Hooves Crystal Orgy Park Celebration”. Needless to say, there were no interviews.

***

Even on holidays, a prince’s duty was never done. Shining Armor sighed as he wrote another evaluation report from yesterday’s drill test. Despite loving the military life, they never told you how much paperwork you had to deal with. Especially as you rose up in ranks. I’d take a changeling invasion over this any day.

A knock on his door was a welcome relief for the stallion as he put his quill away. “Come in.”

Shining Armor frowned as Private Flash Sentry walked inside and saluted. “Request permission to speak with you, sir?”

“At ease, Private. And you have permission,” grumbled Shining Armor, wishing it was any pony but him that had come by. It almost made him want to go back to paperwork.

Oh, he didn’t hate the guy per se. There was nothing wrong about him and he was a good soldier who obeyed his orders. The problem was he, like everypony else but the blind sided pegasus in front of him, knew of his sister’s crush on the stallion. He didn’t even know why she liked him. Besides, she was too young at the age of twenty-five to be thinking of dating anyway.

“Sir, I’d like a leave of absence. It’s... Hearts and Hooves Day, sir,” explained Flash Sentry with a light blush on his cheeks.

“I know that, Flash, I can see from my window,” muttered Shining Armor, rolling his eyes.

“See, there is this... somepony I like back in Equestria and I... I want to tell them my feelings...” the private said with a love struck smiley.

“I see...” said Shining Armor as he thought about the next thing he was going to write. Dear Mr. and Mrs. Sentry, it is with a heavy heart that I must report that your son, Private Flash Sentry, was Killed In Action during a sudden snow bear attack on one of our outposts in the frozen north. While we are unable to find his remains, we can assure you that your son has indeed died in combat and we express our sympathies. His funeral will be held next week in the Crystal Empire, please don’t be late.

“Yup, he’s somepony I have had my eye on for quite a while in Canterlot,” sighed Flash Sentry in a dreamy tone.

Shining Armor growled and stood up. “Look here mister, you are not allowed anywhere near Twi-wait did you say ‘he’?”

Flash Sentry tilted his head. “Um, yes. My special somepony is a he.”

Dear Princess Celestia, I would like to request a transfer and promotion for Private Flash Sentry who has shown how dedicated he is for the position of Lieutenant. I feel the Solar Guards could use a stallion like him in Canterlot as he reminds me of myself in my old days. While, we’re best friends you can say!

Shining Armor smiled and grabbed the rookie by the shoulders. “Of course you can take the day off! Hay, take a week off! Go tell that stallion how you feel! Go on, buddy!”

Smiling, Flash Sentry saluted. “Thank you, sir! I’ll leave right now!”

Shining Armor waved him goodbye before laughing and breaking out a hidden beer he had saved for special occasions. “Man, I really love this holiday. I hope Cadance’s Hearts and Hooves Day adventure is going well.”

Author's Note

Two chapters down, two to three more left to go.

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An Archer's Pride On The Line

Okay, so maybe my efforts in the Empire weren’t good enough, thought Cadence as she flew onto the streets of Ponyville. A few onlookers gazed at her, pointing at the princess and wondering why she was here of all places. Not to mention asking themselves why she was dressed as a superhero from San Franciscolt. Cadence ignored them and trotted forward. But perhaps I can make a difference in Equestria!

Sure enough, Cadence spotted her first task. There were two colts—Snips and Snails, if she remembered right from her last visit—dressed with smart bowties and fancy top hats. They were kneeling before Ponyville’s infamous rich brats, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, while holding out bouquets of flowers to the snooty fillies. Sensing the already foregone conclusion, Cadence was about to draw her arrow when her mouth suddenly dropped.

The brats were accepting the flowers! And they were kissing the boys on the forehead! Cadence, and she was sure a few others, watched in stunned awe as the four skipped merrily down the street, holding hooves like old married couples. Cadence just shook her head and looked above to see any signs of the end of the world.

“Wow! That arrow magic stuff really does the trick!” Cadence blinked a few times before turning around where she saw Pinkie Pie, dressed up like cupid and holding a crossbow with a quiver of pink arrows behind her. “Hiya, Princess Cadence! Why are you dressed up like some superhero?” She gasped. “Are you on some sort of super secret mission to stop your arch-nemesis from blowing up Ponyville?! Can I be your side kick?! I can be The Pie of Pink Mystery! Hehehe!”

Cadence narrowed her eyes. “No, Pinkie Pie. I am trying to spread love today since it’s Hearts and Hooves Day.” She then eyes the quiver of arrows, scanned them with her magic, and gasped. “How... how did you make love arrows?! I thought I only knew that secret besides Princess Celestia?!”

“Well, I asked Princess Celestia to make it for me since I wanted to spread love on Hearts and Hooves Day! I mean, what better way to make ponies smile then having them fall in love?” explained Pinkie Pie with a smile.

“But how did Aunt Celestia agree to this?!”

“I made her forty cakes,” answered Pinkie Pie.

Cadence facehoofed. “Oh course...” She glared at Pinkie Pie and held up her bow. “Listen, Pinkie Pie, I had this idea first and, as the alicorn of love, it is my duty to see that all ponies find love on this day.”

“But as the Element of Laughter it’s also my duty to see everypony is happy.”

The two narrowed their eyes as competitive grins appeared on their muzzles. “It seems there is only one way to settle this,” said Cadence.

“I agree...”

***

Rainbow Dash never saw much point in celebrating the holiday of Hearts and Hooves Day. Romance was something she wasn’t really looking for in her life at the moment. Sure, having fun in the bed with a stallion—or mare, she wasn’t picky—was nice and all, but commitment? No, thanks. She had only one kind of commitment in her mind and that was The Wonderbolts.

Although I wouldn’t say no to Spitfire asking me out, she thought with a chuckle. Or Soarin’...

Her ears suddenly perked up upon hearing something cutting through the wind. While Rainbow Dash wasn’t the smartest of ponies, she knew aerodynamics pretty well and she could tell that whatever object it was would be heading towards...

ME?!

Rainbow Dash jumped off the cloud just in time to see an arrow cut right through the cloud, missing her by mere inches. She yelped before looking around for the shooter. Who the heck would want to kill me?! A changeling spy trying to weaken the Elements of Harmony?! A rival trying to take me out of the picture so they can be a Wonderbolt?! Rarity getting even for me and Pinkie coloring all her coats with orange polkadot dye?!

Rainbow Dash didn’t get a chance to think further as a dozen more arrows sailed through the air, all aimed directly at her awesome flank. Screaming, Rainbow Dash flew as fast as she could, zig-zagging through the clouds for cover as each puff of water vapor was cut down from the barrage of pointed projectiles. Whoever it is that wants to do me in wants me dead real bad!

She made for Sweet Apple Acres where she spotted Applejack bucking apples as always. Realizing she needed help, Rainbow Dash tackled her and they rolled into a nearby bush. Applejack tried to get up, but Dash put a hoof on her mouth and dragged her down. “Quiet! Are you trying to get us killed?!”

“Only one gonna be killed around here is you if ya don’t tell me what the hay yer doin’!” shouted Applejack, before being muffled again.

“Ssssh! Not so loud!” hissed Rainbow Dash as she poked her head out of the bush. “There’s somepony trying to kill me! I think it’s an assassin!”

Applejack raised and eyebrow before rubbing her forehead. “Let me get this straight. Ya think somepony’s tryin’ to do ya in? Dash, have y’all be gettin’ in the hard cider again?”

“I’m serious, AJ! About a bajillion arrows just flew right past my butt! You gotta help me! I’m to awesome to die! And if I’m gonna die, it has to be in an awesome way, like sacrificing myself with a giant sonic rainboom to kill a horrible abomination from another dimension! Getting hit by an arrow would just suck!”

“But getting killed by an alien monster wouldn’t?” pointed out Applejack.

“Yup! It’s at least better than dying of sickness or in your bed of old age,” Dash stuck her tongue out. “Can you imagine that? Me? Death by natural causes? Please, I wanna go out with a bang.”

“Death fantasy’s aside, I think yer overractin’. Why would anypony want to kill ya anyway?” asked Applejack.

Rainbow Dash rubbed her chin. “That’s a good point. Maybe my child is going to be the future savior of ponykind when the machines rise up against their creators after the Pony Apocalypse? Or maybe I’m actually a clone of the real Rainbow Dash and she’s trying to kill me as an act of revenge? Or maybe I’m the future overlord of the world and a resistance member was sent back in time to kill me so a dark future doesn’t happen.”

“So pretty much every cockamaime Applewood movie plot that ever happened?” Shaking her head, Applejack got up and began to walk out of the bush.

“What are you doing?! They saw me with you! They’ll target you next!” shouted Rainbow Dash.

“Dash, Ah’m perfectly fine. Nopony’s tryin’ to kill you,” said Applejack, right before she felt something hit her in the rump. “Wha’ the...” She turned around and saw an arrow sticking out of her rear. “Huh... guess Ah should have saw that comin’.”

Rainbow Dash cried out in horror as Applejack fell forward, lifeless. “Nooo! AJ!” she rushed over and held her closed-eyed friend close to her. “Don’t leave me, Applejack! Who will I compete against?! Who will take care of the farm?! Who will grab my tail which I admit I kind of like... uh, I mean... why did you have to go!” Rainbow Dash raised her hoof at the sky in anger. “Damn you mysterious archer! Damn you to the moooooooon!”

Her rat was cut short when an arrow struck her dead center in the chest. Rainbow Dash flinched and her eyes flashed pink, just like Applejack’s had. Rainbow Dash stared at her best friend and saw something... different about her... she never noticed how beautiful her emerald eyes were. The mane in her hooves felt like soft silk that she could put her face in and nuzzle for hours. Not to mention her body looked so... so...

“...sexy...” whispered Rainbow Dash as everything she ever thought was awesome was thrown out of her mind for one thing only: Applejack. Wonderbolts? Flying? Daring Doo? All of it was nothing compared to the treasure she had in her hooves now. She lowered her head down and pecked her lips to taste that sweet apple flavored muzzle..

Only to meet an orange hoof as it clocked her in the muzzle, sending her flying off hte farm pony.

“Outta mah way, Skittles! Mah true love awaits me!” shouted Applejack as she galloped so fast down the trees the apples themselves were ripped off their branches.

Rainbow Dash blinked before chasing after Applejack. “Wait! Come back!”

***

Cadence smirked with success as she saw the fruits of her successful labor. At least to a degree. Sure, Applejack didn’t have the same feelings as Dash did for her, but she still won the contest. A disappointed Pinkie Pie, flying on a series of balloons wrapped around her waist, said, “Darn it. I thought that was Rainbow Dash who came out first.” She then smiled again and turned to Princess Cadence. “Well, I guess you win Candy-Cadence!”

“Naturally,” said Cadence, standing tall and proud on her cloud. “As the princess of love, whose duty is to bring harmony and feelings to all, it stands only right that I win a contest of love. Now I shall continue by duties by searching for those who need love in their lives and—”

A flash of light and the sound of a balloon popping shocked both ponies as Discord, Lord of Chaos, appeared before them with his arms spread out. “Greetings! I’m back from my vacation!” So spooked was Cadence that she drew an random arrow and fired directly at Discord who took it right in the heart. He stared at the arrow for a bit before glaring at a horrified Cadence. “Really now, I know that some ponies are a bit angered about my betrayal but I thought by now you were all...”

He stopped as his eyes began to glow pink. Cadence, mouth wide open, stared at her bow as if it was pandora’s box itself. “Oh my Celestia, what have I done...”

“Celestia.... Celestia!” shouted Discord as he snapped his fingers and turned into a Discord shaped rocket. With a burst of magic, he launched himself straight towards Canterlot with a ray of hearts right behind him.

The rocket swerved and smoked out a single sentence: “I LOVE PRINCESS CELESTIA!”

“Wow....” said Pinkie Pie, with wide eyes. “I don’t think I even need my Pinkie Sense to tell that this is a doozy.”

Author's Note

And at that moment I angered every AppleDash fan in the world.

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An Archer Is Traumatized

Let it never be said that Princess Celestia couldn’t hate something. Despite popular belief, she had a very long list of things she didn’t like. For instance, she hated anypony that mentioned her weight and the word ‘diet’. Those who said either of those with her name in the sentence were instantly kicked out of the castle with a good kick in the rump. Second, she hated her throne. It was nicely designed and all, but it was so uncomfortable that her back often felt like it had been through an iron maiden for an entire day. Plus, it gave her rump cramps. She would have gotten rid of it too if it wasn’t for the fact that it was a gift from the ponies of Saddle Arabia and to refuse a gift from them would have been war.

Apparently, they take their gift giving very seriously.

But the third thing was the fact that it was Hearts and Hooves Day. A day she wished never existed. Oh, she loved seeing her subjects in love. Celestia herself had personally wished many loving couples many blessings. The problem was she never, ever got her own special somepony. Apparently, she was so high in the ranks of beauty that none could ever touch her be it a mare or a stallion, rich or poor, noble or nopony.

The idea of any pony, or even any being, trying to court her was impossible in the minds of her subjects and it had been that way for thousands of years. Repeat. Thousands of years.

That made Celestia the longest lasting virgin in the world.

Even her younger sister had lovers over the years before her banishment, due to the whole “lovers at night” thing tied to her. Seriously, night time is not the only time ponies have sex. I can count the numerous times my guards and maids are screwing each other in the closets and I have to ignore them. Lucky bastards.

She was almost as desperate to just disguise herself and head to the Red Lantern District in Canterlot for a good score. Problem was she sucked at illusion magic, and her size made it clear who she was to anypony whatever cover she wore.

There were also ponies in the past she had tried to provide hints to various ponies in the past, including her own student, that she was interested in some kind of fling. Alas, Twilight Sparkle was interested in that Flash Sentry guy. Then again, she could always get rid of him in some ‘legitimate’ way. Dear Mr. and Mrs. Sentry, it is with a heavy heart that I must report that your son, Private Flash Sentry, was Killed In Action against a changeling ambush after being reassigned to the Badlands. While we are unable to find his remains, we can assure you that your son has indeed died in combat and we express our sympathies. His funeral will be held next week in Canterlot, please don’t be late.

Just as she was about to continue moping about being a virgin for the rest of her life, a sudden shattering of glass woke her up from thoughts. She looked up from her throne as her guards readied themselves for an attack. A figure, cloaked in shadow, landed on the ground and snapped its fingers, turning the entire room dark despite there being four in the afternoon.

Celestia was ready to bring out her magic in case it was an attack, but instead there was another snap and a spotlight appeared on Discord. He was dressed in a grey suit, holding a microphone. A drumroll began to play as he spoke into the microphone and began to sing. Fire works began to erupt in the air as hearts and Celestia and Discord look alikes started to appear while inching closer for a kiss.

Discord continued to sing as miniature versions of him, dressed in cupid began to fly around, throwing rose petals everywhere around Celestia who stayed still. Imagines began to appear on in mid-air as if she was watching multiple movie theaters. They showed such things as her and Discord running through a flower bed, laughing and giggling. Her and Discord making out on a boat that was sailing in a silver blue lake under the full moon. Their wedding as her own student proudly pronounced them husband and wife. Just as it was about to get to her about to give birth to their children, Celestia had enough and shined her horn in the darkness, banishing the spell and silencing the music.

“Aww, but we were getting to the good part,” whined Discord as he pointed to her guards which were, impressive, sculpting a statue of her and Discord making out. Celestia just stared with disapproval. “Fine, but only because I get goose pimples whenever you stare at me like that.” He snapped his fingers and the guards had their free will again.

Flying over to Celestia’s side, Discord gave a sly grin and asked, “So, Celly. How about you and I get all ‘yin and yang’ and see how ‘balanced’ chaos and order can get? Hmmm?”

Celestia closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. “Let me guess this straight. You want me to be your lover? Discord, why in the name of my myself would I ever do that?”

“Because I’m devilishly charming, I am romantic when I can be, we have a long list of shipper fans who want to see us together, and I’m too irresistible?” Discord said with a cute pout. Celestia just raised an eyebrow. “Also because I possess the abilities to control reality and can do things even the Ponysutra wouldn’t even dream off and I know how desperately you want to get laid.”

Celestia’s eyes widen is it took her all but a second to come to a decision.

One of her guards, however, decided enough was enough and stepped forward. “How dare you?! The princes is not some tramp to be your buck buddy, foal spirit! I demand you leave at once and leave the chastity of the princess to preseEEEEEEEEKKKK!”

Discord watched as Celestia sent the poor guard into a window with a very powerful telekinetic throw. She then grabbed Discord by the neck with her magic and whispered, “My room. Ten minutes.”

***

Cadence galloped through the halls as fast as she could. She didn’t know how much time she had left before whatever disaster happened. As much as she wasn’t Discord’s biggest fan, she didn’t want to see him get in trouble, for once, on something she did by mistake. Worst case scenario was that Discord and Celestia would cause chaos as the lovestruck spirit chased his love all over the world and caused the next apocalypse. Best case scenario was that Celestia killed Discord.

She had been meaning an excuse to use that black dress she got from her mother-in-law.

Cadence had the counter arrow ready to fire at a moments notice as she looked for any sign of her target. When she turned the corner, she heard the sound of thumping occurring in a nearby room and gulped. Taking a deep breath, she slammed the door open and was ready to fire.

“Ah! Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot!” shouted Prince Blueblood in his bed, shivering with his hooves held up in the air.

Cadence cursed and shook her head. “Sorry, Blueblood. I’m looking for Aunt Celestia.”

“Try her room, now would you please leave! I’m busy getting ready for my afternoon nap!” huffed Prince Blueblood. “A prince needs his beauty sleep after all.”

Cadence rolled her eyes before closing the door. When it was closed, a head pop out of the covers in front of Blueblood, busy licking his lips as he leaned over and began biting Blueblood’s ear, much to his pleasure. “Now that we are uninterrupted again,” said Flash Sentry as he kissed the prince on cheek. “I believe I was going to show you the proper ways on how to ‘stab’ ones ‘pointed spear’.”

Blueblood grinned as the two of them got back under the covers.

***

Cadence flew down the direction of where Celestia’s room was. Her arrow was ready and her heart was beating like crazy. Already she could hear weird sounds and the cries of her aunt and Discord crying out from inside. It was now or never.

Kicking down the door, Cadence raised her arrow and shouted, “Get away from... from...” Cadance’s face formed in horror. “SWEET MOTHER OF FAUST!”

What she saw was...

***WARNING! WE INTERRUPT YOUR FANFIC TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THE FCC HAVE TAKEN OVER TO PREVENT PUBLIC INDISCRETION OF THE FOLLOWING SEX SCENE. IN ORDER TO CENSOR THIS SCENE FOR PROPER AUDIENCES WE HAVE BLOCKED OUT THIS SCENE ENTIRELY. IF THIS ANGERS SOME OF YOU, TOUGH. WE’RE THE FCC. WE ARE THE REAL GODS OF PROPER ENTERTAINMENT!***

(Four hours later)

Cadence slowly walked out of Celestia room, ignoring the sounds of the two new lovers kissing after the most mind bucking sex that Cadence had ever seen. And she had done a lot with her own husband that was even illegal in some countries. All she could do was just stare into space, eyes twitching as one one single thought came to her.

“How is it possible to shove something that big up one’s butt?”

***

Shining Armor sighed as he lay down in his bed. It would be time for Cadence to be coming home soon and he was eager to get some... fun time with his wife. For the last few hours it was paperwork and paperwork, combined with scolding his guards for making out with their respective lovers in closets.

“Still, that special arrow she had planned for us will make it all worth it,” chuckled Shining Armor as his ears perked up upon hearing the door open. “Sounds like she’s here.”

He turned around only to raise an eyebrow at who he saw. “Applejack? What are you doing in he-”

He didn’t get a chance before she tackled him off the bed and put her lips against his.

Author's Note

An Archer's Reward... and A Prince's Doom

Princess Cadence swore a lot of things when she was younger. She swore that she would never think that she was above others due to her royal status. She swore she would never let politics stop her from being who she was. And she swore she would never drink.

Two hours ago she broke that last one, and drank enough alcohol that would kill a pony three times over. The only reason she wasn’t stone cold dead was because of her natural alicorn heartiness. Stumbling through the halls of her palace, she began to rip of her costume, heedless of the myriad of servants and guards who hurried out of her way. Ever since the infamous Moonshine Incident of Solar Year 374—wherein a few sections of Canterlot castle may have accidentally been vaporized by solar plasma after a week-long bender when a foolish guard happened to comment upon the Solar Goddess’s apparently growing flank-size—an unwritten rule had circulated amongst the servants of the alicorn princesses: alicorn magic plus alcohol equals as much distance as you can manage.

Besides, you didn’t really think Nightmare Moon happened because of a single pony angry at not being loved like a tween finding out her Ponywood crush was gay? Nah, something like happens means there is always alcohol involved.

“I’ma gonna...outwaw hears and... hears and... something or whatever day,” slurred Cadence as she sluggishly made her towards her bedroom. “All it... it does was... make ponies... wuck like wabbits... crwate incest... and... and twuamawize innocent ponies by... shoving six... of those... those... things that woys have down a throat... nowaonder... auntie eats cake a lot... with a wouth that big....”

With blood shot eyes, she drew one last arrow from her quiver and smiled sheepishly at it. “But at weast I got a wusband that loves me and we’re gonna wuck like there is no tomorrow.”

She opened her door to her bedroom only to have her mouth drop all the way by what she saw. Her husband, Shining Armor, laying on the bed as Applejack attempted to enact death by snuggles, while Rainbow Dash did her best to defend her secret crush’s honor.

“I said I’m married! Leave me alone!” shouted Shining Armor doing his best to avoid his rump getting grabbed by Applejack.

“Ah don’t care! Ah love ya and yer mine! Ah can roll in the hay better than that prissy alicorn can!” shouted AJ with a lustful grin even a succubus would find disturbing. She then glared at Rainbow Dash who narrowly missed a kick to Shining Armor’s head. “Stop tryin’ to kill mah future husband!”

“Future husband?!” shouted Shining Armor, turning even whiter than he was.

“No way! I’m not going to let you marry some loser prince when you could be with the most awesomest pony ever!” shouted Rainbow Dash. “I can be a better lover than he ever could! I mean, he probably doesn’t even perform that well if Cadence isn’t pregnant after three years of marriage.”

“Hey! I perform very well! It’s not my fault that it’s ten times harder to get an alicorn pregnant than a regular mare!” shouted a blushing Shining Armor.

Rainbow Dash abruptly ceased her attack. “Wait, really?”

“Yeah. Very discerning eggs,” he said with a shudder.

“Which is why Ah can provide for ya! Just look at mah flank! Ain’t it tempting’?” asked Applejack, shoving her backside into Shining’s face. “Look at them curves! Tell me them ain’t child-bearin’ hips! ‘Sides, Granny Smith’s been itchin’ fer some grandfoals. Come on, you know you wanna put a bun in my buns!”

“Hey! I can provide foals too, you know!” shouted Rainbow Dash, waving her hooves.

“Yer a mare. Ah’m a mare. It wouldn’t work,” said Applejack deadpanned.

“We live in a word where a tree holds the balance between order and chaos, princesses move the sun and moon, I can break the speed of sound, Twilight can cause a nuclear explosion, and Pinkie Pie exists. I think two mares having a baby together wouldn’t be a surprise at this point.”

Shining Armor shoved away Applejack’s plot and began to back away. “Nopony is going to be doing anypony in my bedroom! Except for me and...” he felt his backside bump into somepony. Slowly, he turned and saw Cadence staring at him with wide eyes. “... Cadence.”

Now, if Cadence wasn’t drunk or traumatized out of her mind, chances are this would result in yelling, magical explosion, divorced and a downward spiral for all parties involved. However, since she wasn’t, this happened instead.

Tears formed in her eyes as a smile grew on her muzzle. Without warning she dived into his chest and hugged him. “Oh, Shining! I wove you!”

“Bwah?” asked Shining Armor, caught between relief at not being smacked by a pony who could fell a tree with a single kick and confusion at not being smacked by a pony who could fell a tree with a single kick. Instead, he got a loving kiss on the lips from his wife before she broke it and winked. He sniffed her breath. “Cadence, are you... drunk?”

“Forget about that. You rewembered our dweam sex play...” she leerling grinned. “A foursome with evewy pony wace inwolved! Grwanted this was before we had crwystal ponies, but wive is an orgy, and we did that last year at the Wrand Walloping Wala.”

“F-f-foursome?!” shouted Shining Armor completely beat red. He turned to a pondering Rainbow Dash and Appleack. “Uhhh, you ladies want to say something about this?”

The two looked at each other before turning back to Shining Armor.

“Eh, I got no problems,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Sounds like a good time. Let’s do it,” said Applejack.

“Great!” shouted Cadence as she took the arrow and pointed it at her behind. “Here we go!”

*** Five Days Later ***

“.. and so we say our final farewells to our beloved son, Prince Shining Armor,” said the priest in front of the closed casket bearing the deceased prince’s cutie mark on top. The hundreds of mourners lowered their heads in silence as his family, including his widow wife, walked over and place flowers on his casket. “May he find peace in the hereafter forever more. Amen.”

Taps began to play as the casket was lowered into the grave that read:

In Loving Memory of Shining Armor

Beloved Son, Captain, Prince, and Husband

“No stallion died happier than he did in his final moments.”

As the crowd began to disperse, Twilight Sparkle stood next to her sister-in-law in tears. “I c-c-can’t believe he’s gone. My big brother...”

“I’m so sorry, Twilight,” whispered Cadence, nuzzling her.

“Cadence,” whispered Twilight, looking at her with pleading eyes. “Please tell me he died happy?”

A twinge shot through her lower regions as she remembered that fateful night... well, fateful nights. “Twilight, I can promise you, he did.”

Author's Note

I had a lot of fun with this one. Hope I didn't piss people off with that ending.

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