Of Blankflanks and Blockheads

by TheSorcerersApprentice

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Romance, Comedy, Crossover
Length: 3725

Diamond's allowance has been cut due to Filthy Rich trying to teach her a lesson about not relying on his bits all the time. Naturally Diamond finds a way to earn more bits. Psychiatry!

Diamond's allowance has been cut due to Filthy Rich trying to teach her a lesson about not relying on his bits all the time. Naturally Diamond finds a way to earn more bits. Psychiatry! Lucy Van Pelt style!

Based on the "Peanuts" series and a certain scene from the comics.

Romance tag for the "You're In Love, Apple Bloom" story arc.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-04-20 05:55:35 UTC

The Doctor is In

There comes a day in everypony's lives where the unexpected comes. Worse than the apocalypse. More horrifying than any horror film. More surprising than a jack in the box.

"Diamond I'm afraid you have to be taught a lesson."

Those fateful words. Those words would change Diamond's life forever. She never expected it. But it came. It broke through her wall of things she thought to be reality.

"You've been relying too much on my bits that I think you don't understand the value of them."

How? How was she supposed to prepare herself? For the pain! The agony! The undeniable fate of her poor innocent mind!

"This week you won't get any bits from me. You have to learn to earn bits on your own."

Oh Celestia! Oh Luna! Oh Cadence! Oh Twilight!

"You're becoming a more mature mare! You have to be prepared for the world to come."

Diamond's world on the other hand, was falling apart.

"This is my final word."

How could anything be worse tha-

        "Silver Spoon! My life biography can wait! We have to earn bits like daddy said!" Diamond said to Silver Spoon. Diamond's companion put "The Life and Liberty of Diamond Tiara" away and started thinking about a plan to earn bits. It had been approximately 10 minutes since Diamond's "rejection" and she was already the most miserable filly in the neighborhood. "Now what to do? What to do?" Diamond murmured.

         "Hi!" Pinkie Pie said as she jumped in front of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. "Why feeling so sad? Do you need some psychiatry? I can make you happy in a jiffy!" Pinkie said in her usual happy attitude.

          "Psychiatry...that's it! I can become a psychiatrist!" Diamond said she passed by a lightbulb store.

          "Yeah! You are great at knowing what ponies feel! Like that one time you said those blankflanks must feel ashamed of themselves! Or that one time when you said I didn't have a idea in my head! That was actually true!" Silver Spoon replied.

           "Well I'm glad I cheered you up. I guess." Pinkie said worriedly as she bounced away.

            "Ha! This is gonna be a piece of cake!" Diamond said. "So what do you need to do first to become a psychologist?"

            "Get a PhD?" Silver Spoon suggested.

             "No. No that's definitely not it." Diamond Tiara thought aloud. "Aha! I have to build my own stand!" Diamond proclaimed. She then set to work. For 1 second. As soon as she touched the wood, she was scared of getting a splinter and told Silver Spoon to build it.

             One hour later, Silver Spoon completed Diamond's stand while Diamond slurped up her fourth drink of lemonade.

             "I...did...it...Diamond..." Silver Spoon panted.

              "And it's about time! I was beginning to get bored!" Diamond said. "Now let's get to business! Which one of these ponies needs psycologizing." Diamond looked at the crowd of ponies and in the midst of them, who should she spy but the Cutie Mark Crusaders. "Muahahaha! Perfect!" Diamond cackled.

"What I'm trying to say Apple Bloom, is that I don't think there is such a thing as a Great Apple." Sweetie Belle said.

       "Nonsense! The Great Apple will rise up and give all the good little fillies and colts free apples! That's how it works!" Apple Bloom explained. "Eventually, The Great Apple will get its other Kaiju friends and obliterate all the bad fillies and colts. At least, that's what that Michael Hay movie taught me."

        "Excuse me blankflanks...I mean customers. Would you like us to psycologize you? Only five bits!" Diamond said trying to catch the attention of the crusaders.

        "Ugh! Speaking of bad fillies." Scootaloo murmured.

        "Maybe if we humor her this time, she won't bother us again." Sweetie suggested.

        "Oh well. The The Great Apple will eat her anyways." Apple Bloom shrugged. "We'll accept your...'generous' offer Diamond. But only this time!"

         "I assure you, you won't regret it." Diamond smirked.

"So what is the main problem in your life bla- I mean Apple Bloom." Diamond said trying her best to listen.

        "Well, I can't get a cutie mark." Apple Bloom replied.

        "Interesting. And have you ever stopped trying to get a cutie mark?"

        "Well every time I do, you tease me about being a blankflank." Apple Bloom said annoyed.

        "Interesting. And how do you feel about that."

        "Angry."

        "And how do you feel about being angry."

        "More angry."

        "And how do you feel a-"

        "Do you ever stop saying 'how do you feel'? It's like I could do this stuff on my own! I want a refund."

        "I'm sorry, all purchases are final." Diamond said with a grin.

        "Come on girls! Let's go to the park or something." Apple Bloom said as she left with her friends.

        "Fine then! Who needs you! There are plenty of fish in the sea! Right Silver Spoon? Silver Spoon?" Silver Spoon was distracted throughout the entire session by the watch store across the street, checking what time it was. "Silver Spoon!"

        "What! What? Huh?" Silver Spoon said.

        "What were you looking at that was more important than my session Silver Spoon?" Silver Spoon pointed towards the watch store. Diamond then got an idea. She had seen Filthy Rich go to psychologists and have them swing a pocket watch back and forth. Diamond was sure that it would make her a great psychologist. "I'm a genius! Ha! Ha!" Diamond laughed.

Project: C.H.E.E.R.I.L.E.E

      "Are you sure this will work?" Silver Spoon asked Diamond.

      "Silver, Silver, Silver! Have any of my plans ever failed to work?" Diamond said with confidence.

       "Well...there was that newspaper thing." Silver said thoughtfully.

        "Silver, I thought we had both agreed to never speak of that again."

        "Ok Diamond. If you say so."

         The fillies had just got out of the watch store and purchased a brand new pocket watch. Well, Silver Spoon purchased a new pocket watch. The pair then returned to their stand and tried to figure out how exactly it worked. It was a curious contraption. All it really did was tell the time. Diamond didn't understand why a mere pocket watch would be used to perform psychiatry. Maybe ponies just really like looking at time?

          "So. How do you do it?" Diamond said as she examined the watch very carefully, not even blinking.

          "I think you're supposed to sway the watch back and forth." Silver Spoon said as she swayed the watch back and forth. Diamond was still paying attention to the watch, trying to figure out if there was a hidden device. Silver Spoon continued to sway it back and forth. Oblivious to Silver Spoon, Diamond began to get sleepy. "I don't see how this works. Diamond? Are you okay?" Silver Spoon said to her sleepy friend.

          "Yes master." Diamond said in a drone-like voice.

          "Okay good then. Wait! Did you just call me master?" Silver said bewildered.

           "Yes my master."

           "Diamond! This isn't funny!"

           "No it isn't master."

           "Diamond! Diamond! Snap out of it!" Silver Spoon said as she clapped her hooves in front of Diamond's face. Hearing the sound, Diamond woke up.

           "Wha! What happened?" Diamond yelled.

           "I dunno but you started calling me master and things." Silver said as she put the pocket watch away. "I think we should keep this safe for now."

           "Yeah. That's probably a good idea." Diamond said as she rubbed her head, still recovering from the confusion.

           "Hey! There's Miss Cheerilee!" Silver said as she saw her teacher's head in the crowd. "Maybe we can psyciatrize her!"

           "That's actually not a bad idea!" Diamond exclaimed.

            "So that's what an idea is..." Silver murmured.

            "Come on! We have to get her attention! Miss Cheerilee! Over here! Would you happen to need psyciatrizing?" Diamond yelled. Cheerilee heard the voices and looked towards the direction of the two fillies. She saw what they were doing and immediately thought it was the cutest thing she had ever seen. Cheerilee then walked to the stand.

            "Why hello there girls! I hope you're not causing any trouble today." Cheerlilee said as she approached the fillies.

            "Nope! Not today anyways Miss Cheerilee!" Silver Spoon replied. Diamond then, "accidentally", removed the stool Silver was sitting on, making her companion fall to the ground.

             "So, Miss Cheerilee, I was wondering if you might need a psyciatry session." Diamond said with a grin.

             "Oh! My hair got all twisted!" Silver exclaimed.

             "Well, I have been having some trouble. Okay. Why not." Cheerilee said.

             "I can't feel my leg!"

             "Great! Now tell me what's been going on." Diamond said.

             "Oh! Now I can't move my leg!" Silver said in agony.

              "Well, I've been having some depression lately." Cheerilee explained.

               "Snap out of it. Five bits please!" Diamond said holding her hoof out for bits.

               "Now Diamond, that's not how psychiatry works."

               "Ok. Well I'll try something else then."

               "The agony! The agony!" Silver yelled.

                "Tell me what's you're main problem."

                "I just don't think there's anything really special about me other than my occupation. No one else wants to be a teacher but me. It's a very hard job. Especially since I'm the only one in Ponyville." Cheerilee said with a sad expression on her face.

                 "Well the truth is you have no distinction to be anyone else. Because for whatever it's worth, you're you."

                 "Actually, I think I feel a lot better now. Thank you Diamond Tiara." Cheerilee said. She was surprised. She never thought she would get a psychiatry session from Diamond Tiara of all ponies. Then again, she did fall under the spell of a love poison not too long ago. Crazy things in her life were to be expected after that moment.

                 "Five bits please."

                 "I guess fair's fair Diamond." Cheerilee said as she reached into her satchel for five bits and gave them to Diamond.

                 "Goodbye Miss Cheerilee!" Diamond said waving to Cheerilee as she walked away. "And hello bits."

                  "Ugh! Wha-" Silver said as she got up from under the stand.

                  "Silver! You'll never guess what just happened! I actually helped Miss Cheerilee and she gave me five bits! As it turns out, you have to say things that make ponies feel better about themselves. It's really disgusting but if it gets me bits then I couldn't care less." Diamond shrugged.

                   "My leg still-"

                    "It's perfect! It's the best idea I've ever come up with!" Unknown to Diamond, Silver grabbed her pocket watch and put it in front of Diamond's face while she was talking. "It's absolutely...zzzzz"

                     "You will be quiet!"

                     "I will be quiet master." Diamond said in a drone-like voice.

                     "Good!"

Sweetie's Session

"Ugh! W-Where am I?" Diamond Tiara said as she woke up from her bed, scratching her eyes. When she opened her eye, she found Silver Spoon watching her as she got up. "Gah! Silver Spoon! What in Celestia's name are you doing in my room?!" Diamond scolded.

"I...just wanted to see if you were okay..." Silver Spoon said sadly.

"Well, I am." Diamond said as she jumped up from her bed. "So, how's the bits?"

"Well...see here's the thing..." Silver said looking away from Diamond. "I...kinda closed the stand while you were unc-unco-unconscious." Silver stuttered. As soon as the words left Silver's mouth, Diamond started twitching her eye.

"What...did you just say?" Diamond said with her voice shaking.

"I...closed the stand?"

"You closed the stand. You closed the stand. You closed the Celestia-forsaken stand!" Diamond yelled to her cowering friend.

"I-I..."

"We could've made valuable bits in that time! But no! You had to go and close the stand!"

"I was just trying to..."

"What you should've been trying to do was make bits!"

"But..."

"Use your brain for once in your life!" Diamond shouted. Silver started whimpering and shaking. After a few moments, she couldn't take it anymore. Her tears fell from her eyes like waterfalls. Diamond noticed this and immediately realized what she had done. She made her best friend cry. Diamond saw that this time, she had went too far. Sure, Diamond had made plenty of fillies and colts cry, but never her own friend. The one filly who had put up with being pushed around had finally snapped. "I-I'm sorry, Silver. It's just...I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. Can you forgive me?" Diamond asked.

"Ok." Silver said as she wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled at Diamond. "Y'know, I think that's the first time you apologized to me for once." Silver chuckled.

"Yeah...must be this psychiatry stuff." Diamond joked putting her hoof to her head. "By the way, what did make me become unconscious?"

"Nothing." Silver said guiltily.

"'Diamond's Psychiatry Stand' is now open." Silver said as she flipped the sign that said, "The doctor is out" to, "The doctor is in".

"Excellent!" Diamond said rubbing her front hooves together. "Did you put the extra 'something' in there too?"

"Yup!" Silver said as she activated a remote control switch. The switch activated pink and purple neon lights onto a sign above the stand. It showed a cartoonish Diamond Tiara holding a sign. It read "Get Psyciatree! You Need It! Badly!"

"It's beautiful!" Diamond said as she shed a tear.

"Hey look! It's another customer!" Silver Spoon as she saw a unicorn filly trot across the road. She was as white as snow and had a purple mane. The most distinguishable trait about her, was that she had no cutie mark.

"But who could...oh."

Earlier...

"I'm sorry, Sweetie but this blanket has simply got to go. You're too old for it. It's time to be a big mare now." Rarity said to her sister.

"But Rarity, I've had it for a long time! I don't know what I would do without it! I need it!" Sweetie whined.

"Sweetie dear, this is what being a big mare is all about. You have to learn how to live without things. Believe me...you'll need it later." Rarity said.

"But...but..."

"No buts!" Rarity said as she held up Sweetie's blanket away from Sweetie.

"Aw..." Sweetie whined. Rarity went into her room and locked the door with the blanket inside. Sweetie Belle sadly walked away from the boutique. There was only one logical choice. Get another blanket.

Sweetie trotted through the town market looking for some kind of store selling blankets. Tons of merchants selling all sorts of items filled the streets. Some sold toys while others sold tools. However, none provided the item of Sweetie's interest. What she did find, was a giant neon sign above two familiar fillies.

"Why hello...Squeaky Yell?" Diamond said as she spotted Sweetie walking along the lane.

"It's Sweetie Belle..." Sweetie mumbled.

"Whatever." Diamond said as she shrugged. "You seem a bit...ahh...I mean a tad worried about something." Diamond said, pretending to be sympathetic.

"Why would you care?" Sweetie said.

"Oh nononono! I'm just here to offer my psychiatry skills to help you! Don't you want some help?" Diamond said with a grin.

"Thats not what you gave to Apple Bloom!" Sweetie retaliated.

"Thats in the past. Now tell me all about your problem. If you think I did a good job, you can give me your bits. Deal?"

"That does sound fair..." Sweetie said.

"Excellent!" Diamond yelled. "Now tell me all about it. Silver Spoon!" Diamond clapped, giving the signal for Silver Spoon to bring a large red couch. Silver swooped Sweetie off her hooves and lay her down in in the couch. Sweetie was dumbfounded.

"Where did you get all this?" Sweetie asked with confusion.

"Thats not imp-" Diamond said.

"Diamond asked me to borrow this without asking from Twi-MMMM" Silver Spoon said before Diamond covered her mouth with her hoof.

"Don't listen to her. Now tell me all about your day." Diamond said soothingly. Well, her best attempt at it anyway.

"Well, this is the first day without my blanket because my sister took it away." Sweetie explained.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Diamond cackled.

"Hey! What's so funny!" Sweetie pouted.

"Oh nothing...ahem...nothing. Just imagine I'm your sister."

"Okay..." Sweetie said, unsure if she should tell Diamond any more. "So I'm going to get a new one."

"Squeaky..."

"Sweetie."

"Whatever. Did it ever cross your mind that ever if you get your new blanket, your sister wouldn't let you keep it?"

"No...I guess not."

"Also..bfffff...aren't you...bfff...a little old...for..." Diamond said as she kept her laughter in. "I'll let you think to yourself for a few minutes. Sound good?" Sweetie nodded. Diamond went back under the stand with Silver Spoon. "How the hay am I supposed to do this? I can't address the problem without laughing!"

"Well, just don't think about it. Think about that training seminar we went to. 'Do the impossible! See the invisible!' Remember!?" Silver said.

"You're right!" Diamond said as she went back up. "You ready, Speedy?"

"Sweetie, and yes im ready."

"Okay good. Because I wouldn't want you to think this is getting ol-" Diamond stopped herself.

"Getting what?"

"Nothing! Now what did you come up with?"

"Well, my mind was a total blank-"

"I think we should move on!" Diamond said hastily. "Don't think about blankets. Don't think about blankets." Diamond thought to herself. "So. I think whatever your sister did was for the better! She has more experience and therefore knows what's best for you. Eventually, you'll grow out of it and it's better to do it now than later."

"So you think when she took away my bla-"

"BFFFF!!!!" Diamond murmured.

"What was that for?" Sweetie asked suspiciously.

"Nothing...just some bad cider." Diamond coughed. "So just listen to your sister. In order to become a fully grown mare and be respected, you need to follow your sister's advice. Who knows, you might even get your cutie mark."

"I never really thought of it like that. Ok, I guess you deserved this, Diamond." Sweetie said as he held out five bits.

"Thank you very much!" Diamond said as she grabbed the bits quickly. Sweetie left the stand and went home. Silver Spoon then popped up from the stand.

"So...did it work?" Silver asked.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Diamond burst with laughter.

"I'll take that as a yes."

You're In Love, Apple Bloom! Part 1

Summer vacation. That one point in every filly and colt's lives where they can be the happiest they can be. That time was slowly approaching and there was only a few days left until it arrived. Then the schoolponies would enter a time where the word "paradise" is common. Everypony in school should be happy. Then why was Apple Bloom sad? The yellow filly with hair as red as a rose hunched over her desk.

"Ok class. It's almost time to..." Cheerillee said, covering up her head. Suddenly, a high pitched bell sounded and every single pony inside the room ran for the door, except Apple Bloom. "...leave," Cheerilee finished with a sigh. The school teacher started to erase words on her blackboard when she heard a heavy sigh. It belonged to Apple Bloom, who's eyes were still locked on her desk.

"Hhhnnnnghhhh," Apple Bloom groaned.

"Apple Bloom? Why are you still here? Class is over," Cheerilee explained as she walked over to the filly.

"I know," Apple Bloom replied.

"Come on. Let's get you home. Your family is probably worried sick," Cheerilee said as she walked Apple Bloom out the door. "Now, go on. Have a great day,"

Though Apple Bloom heard Cheerilee's words, she didn't think she could obey them. 'Have a great summer day'? How could she without a cutie mark. Apple Bloom started to walk home when she spotted Sweetie Belle in the middle of her current path.

"Oh! Hi, Apple Bloom," Sweetie Belle greeted as she saw her friend.

"Hi," Apple Bloom replied, sadly.

"You're worried about your cutie mark again, aren't you?" Apple Bloom looked away from her unicorn friend.

"It's real frustratin'! I can't be happy like so many other fillies n' colts!"

"Apple Bloom, why don't you take your mind of-" Sweetie Belle stopped talking when a grey, young pegasus colt with a black mane walked up to the pair of cutie mark-less fillies.

"Excuse me, is this the right path to the Carousel Boutique?" The colt asked. As soon as her attention turned to the colt, Apple Bloom felt something she hadn't felt before. Maybe it was the way his purple eyes gleamed in the sun that Apple Bloom noticed. Or maybe it was because his shadowy mane flowed in the wind. Whatever it was, Apple Bloom fell head over hooves for the colt in a heartbeat.

"I-I-I-I-I-I-" Apple Bloom stammered, while Sweetie Belle looked at her worryingly.

"Um...yeah. Just keep going until you see it," Sweetie Belle answered, still paying attention to her dumbfounded friend.

"Ok, see ya later then," the pegasus colt said as he walked away.

"I-I-I-I-I....I'm Apple Bloom!" Apple Bloom said dreamily before she realized the colt was already gone. "Hey, where'd he go!?"

"Apple Bloom? Are you feeling alright? You just stood there and talked like a broken record," Sweetie Belle remarked.

"I did?"

"Yeah, I was actually going to call the hospital," Sweetie Belle said, raising an eyebrow.

"It's ok! It's ok! By the way....where did that black-haired colt go?" Apple Bloom said, looking around. Just then, Sweetie Belle got an idea of what was going on. She then smirked at Apple Bloom.

"Tee hee!" Sweetie Belle chuckled.

"What's so funny!?"

"You like him," Sweetie Belle pointed out.

"What!? No, 'course not!" Apple Bloom said, embarrassed,

"Is it because of his eyes?" Sweetie Belle asked, playfully.

"I told ya! I'm n-"

"Is it because of his sighs?" Sweetie Belle started singing.

"Sweetie Belle what are y-" To Apple Bloom's surprise, three other fillies came out of the bushes and sang backup for Sweetie Belle.

"If you would like to know, if he has a crush on you so, it's i-" Sweetie Belle sang before being interrupted.

"I'm not in love!" Apple Bloom yelled as she ran home, leaving Sweetie Belle and her backup singers in a finale pose. Sweetie sighed.

"Nice try, girls. See you at rehearsal next week!"