I slowly open my eyes, only to see iron bars in front of me. I look at me surrounding. There's nothing but stone walls and some cobwebs. All the stone walls had chalk on it, sometimes it wrote stuff like murder or suicide.
I took a closer look at the bars. It's clearly possible for me to slide through the bars. I suck in my chest and turned side ways. I shuffled throw the bars, my whole body now free of the cage. Except for my left foot. Damn cliche I thought. I pulled my leg, trying to free it. And that's when I heard some footsteps.
"Oh, Celestia! You're gonna love it!" The two figures continued walking towards what i would assume is, a dungeon.
"Whatever you say, Twilight." A motherly voice said. I saw two shadows down the corridor which made me pull harder on my leg. Finally, I was free, only to be seen by my kidnappers.
And they looked at me... and I looked at them... and they looked at me... and I looked at them. And then I ran past the two horses with horns and wings, past the scaly purple and green thing, past the door, past the blue horse with wings, past all the houses, and finally, I stopped at a small cottage at the end of town. All because of fright
I knocked on the door and hoped to see an actual human. Instead, I was greeted with a yellow horse with wings. I immediately started running back into town and back into the giant tree.
"Was all that necessary?" The horse who should be Twilight, spoke. I nodded in response. "Can you speak?" She asked.
I gulped loudly, "Yes."
"Well, do you have a name?"
"Yes."
"Would you like to share it with us?"
"... Nnnnnoooo..."
"You don't know what a name is, do you?" Twilight said knowingly.
"Yes I know what a name is! I don't know why you're a talking horse with wings and a horn!?" I shouted.
"The same reason why are you a hairless ape with clothes." The big white horse said. 'Probably Celestia' I thought.
"I'm not a hairless ape, nor am I monkey. Plus, I have body hair, I wear clothes because the layer of hair is too thin to keeps me warm during the seasons... Also because it's extremely intimate to show any body part from the waist down. Girls keep their breast hidden, too."
"..." They all stared at me.
I began to sweat as I felt the three horses and the scaly thing stare daggers into me. "... Is it something I said?" I began to look left and right.
"Mentioning female private parts. In front of the princess, too." The blue one said. Wait... the blue one?
"Wait, why are you in here? I just saw you outside."
"Answer my question!" She screamed.
"You didn't ask anything for me to answer!" I screamed back. 'This girl is nuts'
"Okay, I'll give you one. Why are you mentioning female private parts in front of the princess?!" She screamed louder.
"Cause it's a thing that males want, mainly to sexually relieve themselves." I said calmly. That made the blue one even more furious.
"You wanna mess with us punk?! We got the strongest magic in the world! You wanna tussle with Equestria!?"
"Well the American army, the strongest army in the world, could kick all your butts—"
"Flanks." Twilight corrected me.
"Flanks in a day. And we don't need some stupid hocus pocus to do it! We got mother fucking guns!" The entire room fell silent. All the stares of death stopped, the green and purple lizards dropped the books it was holding, and the blue one stopped flying. Then Celestia's horn began to glow yellow. She pointed it at me as the yellow grew a deeper shade. I put two and two together and hid behind the lizard. Of course he was small, but I held him out in front of me as a shield.
"Are you insane?!" Twilight called. "Let him go!" I Immediately was covered in a purple aura. The aura forced my arms to drop the lizard and then proceeded to bang my head on the wall.
As the world began to become black I was able to mutter out, "Please help me..."
Twilight's POV
"We should kill it." Rainbow said.
"It, is a he. It's obviously a male. He mentioned how his specious' males want... females parts. Since he kept mentioning it, he's bound to be a male. And we're not killing it!" I informed Rainbow Dash.
"Take me out to the ball game..." The ape thing sung in he sleep-like state. After a few moments we saw him start to get up, me and Celestia pointed our horns at the ape he did nothing. His eyes were closed still. He began moving towards the kitchen. He opened the fridge and began to look at our food. He managed to find and apple. I was completely fascinated. The ape seems to have similar habbits like us ponies.
As he opened his mouth to take a bite of the apple, Celestia and I noticed four specific teeth. Canine teeth.
"Meat eater!" I screamed, causing the ape to wake up from his trance.
He looked at the apple, wondering how he got it. He shrugged his shoulders and took a bite of it. He looked at us, then the apple... then us again. "I'm sorry, was this one of yours?" He waited for a response, when he got none, he said, "Guess not."
"Uh..." I began, "what's the last thing you remember?"
"Me picking up that lizard because Ms. Sun Butt over here began charging her magic shoot-y thing and was about to shoot me."
"How dare you disrespect me?!" Celestia shouted. "No being shall talk to me that way!"
"Wow? Getting worked up over 'Ms. Sun Butt'? You wouldn't last a day in any of the hoods back at my world... Or rather the hood wouldn't last a day. Seeing as you're probably a goddes here, you might not be used to being insulted. Back in my world, world leaders would always get trash talk. And some countries have votes for there leaders, such as America, the country with the worst economy."
"Are you making fun of Equestria? You said 'America' when the name is clearly Equestria." Rainbow asked
"No, my country is legitimately named America. Hell, we have a comic book hero name Captain America."
I look back at Spike to see his eyes wide. 'Oh boy... fan boy-ing begins in three... two... one—'
"You know about Captain Equestria!? He's like my favorite super hero!" Spiked screamed.
"Well technically, he has no super powers. He was injected with super serum due to his complete slenderness and lack of strength."
"But—"
"Spike," I intervened,"let the adults talk." I looked back at the ape—'wait, he said human, so I guess his species' name is human'— human. "That is, if you are an adult."
"Depends, is the age of twenty-three considered to be the age of an adult here? If not, it is one my planet." The human took another bite of his apple.
I stared at him in disbelief, twenty-three? He's only a mere foal! I thought. "Tell me, what's the life span of your species?"
"Most of us die around eighty. The lucky few reach one-hundred." He said calmly. I looked back at Celestia, all her rage was now converted to sympathy.
"Are you a sapient being?" Celestia asked. The human nodded in return. "If you're lying I will send you to the dungeon. Are you as sapient as we are?!"
"Yes, yes I am. Just stop shouting, I have a headache." The human rubbed his temples and grunted. I guessed that he was feeling a sharp pain.
"How could you live such a short life yet be so calm?"
"Why? How long do you live for?" His curiosity overcame his pain.
"Normal ponies live up to four-hundred years."
"Damn! That's amazing! So you get four-hundred birthday parties?" His large smile slowly began to turn to a frown. "I-is there any way I am able to go back home? I kinda want to be with friends during my birthday." Now the tension in the air was now a bit to much for me to handle. "I still have college to go to, as well. Plus bills to pay, and I have a girlfriend to care for, my family to spend the holidays with, and especially to make sure my dog doesn't poop all over my apartment." He chuckled.
"I..." I began,"I just found lying on the streets. I was so excited to see a new species that I didn't even check to see any magical ripples from your appearance into this world, possibly this universe. By now, the ripples would either be too faint to detect or gone. I-I'm sorry I wasn't think straight."
"It's okay. I kinda always dreamed of something like this to happen. Except with a lot more action and less talking, little ponies."
"Wh-who are you calling little?" Rainbow tried to sound tough. Even she couldn't act tough in this depressing moment. All except the human. He seemed completely calm.
"Just look at you!" He smiled, 'geez, he's as unpredictable as Pinkie Pie', I thought. "You all look so soft and fuzzy! It's so cute I might get a heart attack!" Suddenly, all the tension disappeared. I was genuinely surprised how he turned this scenario around. "Permission to pet your subjects Ms. Sun Butt!?" He saluted Princess Celestia.
"Permission granted." Celestia chuckled. And suddenly, I felt the humans digits touch my head. He began moving them in such a manner that it was pure bliss. I began to close my eyes and hum as he worked his magic. Only to have my bliss interrupted when I heard Celestia giggle and Rainbow laugh her flank off.
I blushed so much, it made the ape laugh, but he continued anyways. "Don't think you two are safe! My job as a masseur has taught me the ways of giving relaxation to all!" The human laughed. 'Subject seems to enjoy the company of ponies. His digits feel wonderful, even if he wasn't a masseur I believe it would still feel good. It also pains me to note that his species' life span is roughly about eighty years.'
Suddenly, I felt his digits leave my head. I opened my eyes to see Celestia sitting on her flank while the ape massaged her shoulders.
"Damn, you have so much tension here." The human said.
"I'm impressed with how you're handling all this. The knowledge of never being able to go home. To have such a short life. To—"
"Stop right there. Life is never short, no matter the span. It depends on how you use that time, not the amount of it. As for my home, my family never really liked me. They said I was way to uncivil to be living with as much money as I have. It's not really my job as much as it is money from my great grandpa'. He felt like I should get all his money when he died. So I decided to save it for my children."
"Geez, dude." Rainbow said. "Stop with the mushy stuff already, will you?"
"I'm sorry what?"
"I said no more mushy stuff."
"Sorry, repeat that?"
"I said NO MORE MUSHY STUFF."
"I'm sorry, I still can't hear you over your crying." Immediately Rainbow wiped her eyes with her hoof and chuckled nervously. "Alright, I think it's time I get going." The ape stood up tall, about an inch or two taller than Celestia. He began to make his way towards the door if Celestia and I hadn't trapped each of his feet to the ground. "Shit shit shit shit!" His head hit the door, nothing to hold him in place except for Celestia and I.
"Sorry, but you can't leave. You don't have any shelter, nor do you have food or any bits." The human gave me a confused look. "It's our form of currency. Besides, the ponies in this town are very scared of mysterious figures."
"Please let me go."
"Tell us your name and we'll let you go."
"It's Cain." In cue, Celestia and I released Cain's feet. But I locked the door, and only magic can unlock it this time. When Cain tried to turn the door nob, it didn't budge. 'It works!' He tried furiously to open the door. Soon enough he resorted to pushing, being angered by the laughs of Rainbow.
Then I noticed something. He began to take deep breathes, his were closed and his hands motioned up and down for when he inhales and exhaled. Suddenly, the door knob began to be surrounded by water. The water flashed a bright blue then fell to the floor. When Cain opened his eyes, he reached for the door nob... and... opened the door.
Celestia was impressed, I was socked, Rainbow had her jaw touching the floor, and Cain just walked out the door whistling a tone. Only seconds later, Cain came back.
"I need to do something before I go." He turned to Celestia. "Turn around for me?" Nervously, Celestia stood up and turned around.
Cain's POV
I quickly lifted up my hand, as high as a could, and before anybody asked what I was doing I swung my hand as hard as I could onto Celestia's fat flank. With the satisfying sound of the loud smack, I ran out the door. I jumped in the air, "I HAVE NO REGRETS MS. SUN BUTT!!!!!"
Pinkie Pie Gives Cain Cupcakes
I opened my eyes and immediately felt a headache. I felt the back of my head, discovering that stitches were sewn into my head. With a grunt, I got off my head and stuck my head out of the door. I walked down the hall way and stopped at the staircase, hearing some voices.
"Was it necessary to hit him that hard, Rainbow?!" Twilight screamed.
"Yes! He smacked the Princess' flank for cryin' out loud!" Rainbow retorted.
"Rainbow, there's a pool of blood in the middle of the streets, and a bunch of news reporters wondering why the Element of Loyalty ALMOST KILLED A LIVING BEING!!"
"How was I supposed to know his bones were as thin as my wing feathers! He's bigger than us, so his bones should be bigger, if not, the same size as ours!"
"And I want cake!" A third pony spoke.
"NOT NOW PINKIE!" Twilight and Rainbow yelled in unison.
"Wait! He's eavesdropping..." Everything fell silent. Suddenly, a pink blur pulled me down the stairs and in front of Twilight and Rainbow. I looked back at the pink blur. Now it had a cannon pointed directly at my face, only less than a foot away. "Welcome to Ponyville!" She pulled the string and I was immediately sprawling on the floor with shards of confetti stuck in my noise.
"What the actual FUCK!?" I screamed, holding my face because of the extreme pain I was in. After moments of silence, I let out a deep sigh. "I am now better." I got up and stretched my back.
"What... just happened?" Rainbow asked.
"Pink pony shot human with cannon. Cannon cause human to feel pain. After a minute, pain go bye-bye." I spoke like Rainbow was a two year-old. I looked back at Pinkie. I flashed her a grin and said,"Hi. You must be Pinkie." She must have seen my canine teeth cause she immediately freaked out.
"Ah! Twilight, don't freak out. But there's a pony eating monster in your house!"
"I don't eat—"
"Quick! Barricade the door!"
"I don't eat po—"
"Twilight! Use your bubble-shield thingy!" Pinkie continued moving left and right so fast that the only thing I saw was a pink blur.
"I don't eat ponies!" I screamed. Pinkie stopped in her tracks. I heard Twilight sigh in relief. 'Did she think I eat ponies, too?' I thought.
"Oh. Why didn't you say so!"
"Cause you kept interrupting me."
"Really?"
"Yes..."
"Oh... want a cupcake?" Suddenly, a tray of cupcakes were held out in front of me. One was yellow, one was pink, one was purple, one was white, one was blue, and the last one was orange.
"Well... my favorite color is blue... but yellow is a close second... can I have both?"
"Don't do it you s—"Rainbow was cut off by Pinkie's hoof.
"Sure!" Pinkie said enthusiastically. So I took both yellow and blue cupcakes and took a bite out of both.
"Damn. These are good! Wonder what the rest taste like."
"Sure, try all the others." And on cue, I took a bite out of each.
"These are really good, despite the exotic flavors."
"Please... Describe them to me."
"Um... Okay. The blue one is a bit bitter, the yellow one is sweet, orange tastes like apples, the white one... Well it tasted... kinda sophisticated? I can't describe it. Anyways, pink had a lot of sugar in it, which was fan-fucking-tastic, and purple..." I began to scratch my chin. "It's hard to describe. It's like a professionally baked cupcake that one first prize in the baking competition... that the entire world competed in... and had sprinkles on it."
"Ooh~ this is going to be fun~" Pinkie bounced up in down and in a circle.
"You have doomed us all!" Rainbow cried out.
"I'm confused. I just ate a batch of cupcakes. That's it... Right?"
"No... not at all." Twilight muttered.
"What? Were they poisoned!? I'm gonna die aren't I!? Or was there a time bomb in one of them!?"
"Calm down! The cupcakes weren't poisoned or rigged to explode."
"So then what the fuck is so bad that I doomed everyone?"
"Nothing."
"What do you mean 'nothing'?"
"I mean, it's not important."
"I find that hard to believe."
"Well it's the truth."
"Rainbow! Is Twilight telling the truth?"
"Hell~ no!" Rainbow replied.
Twilight sighed. "You know what? You were right, they were poisoned."
"Well then, like my teacher always said 'If you eat poison then you make yourself vomit!'" I took a finger and began putting it in my mouth.
"Wait, whoa! Hold on! I lied! Just don't get vomit on my floor!"
"I am victorious!" I threw my arms up in the air. And I also fell on my back, giving away a loud thud.
"Did that hurt?" Pinkie asked.
"A little."
"..." She looked at me intently. "Do you like hugs?"
"Depends on who we're talking about."
"The Elements of Harmony."
"Uh... Yes?" Immediately, I was forced upwards only to be tackled by Pinkie.
"Another question. Do you like females?"
"Yeah."
"Great! Cause you'll be getting a lot of both from now on!"
"Should I be scared?" I turned my head to look at Rainbow and Twilight. Both nodded. "Well fuck me."
