A Magic Touch

I opened my eyes and immediately felt a headache. I felt the back of my head, discovering that stitches were sewn into my head. With a grunt, I got off my head and stuck my head out of the door. I walked down the hall way and stopped at the staircase, hearing some voices.

"Was it necessary to hit him that hard, Rainbow?!" Twilight screamed.

"Yes! He smacked the Princess' flank for cryin' out loud!" Rainbow retorted.

"Rainbow, there's a pool of blood in the middle of the streets, and a bunch of news reporters wondering why the Element of Loyalty ALMOST KILLED A LIVING BEING!!"

"How was I supposed to know his bones were as thin as my wing feathers! He's bigger than us, so his bones should be bigger, if not, the same size as ours!"

"And I want cake!" A third pony spoke.

"NOT NOW PINKIE!" Twilight and Rainbow yelled in unison.

"Wait! He's eavesdropping..." Everything fell silent. Suddenly, a pink blur pulled me down the stairs and in front of Twilight and Rainbow. I looked back at the pink blur. Now it had a cannon pointed directly at my face, only less than a foot away. "Welcome to Ponyville!" She pulled the string and I was immediately sprawling on the floor with shards of confetti stuck in my noise.

"What the actual FUCK!?" I screamed, holding my face because of the extreme pain I was in. After moments of silence, I let out a deep sigh. "I am now better." I got up and stretched my back.

"What... just happened?" Rainbow asked.

"Pink pony shot human with cannon. Cannon cause human to feel pain. After a minute, pain go bye-bye." I spoke like Rainbow was a two year-old. I looked back at Pinkie. I flashed her a grin and said,"Hi. You must be Pinkie." She must have seen my canine teeth cause she immediately freaked out.

"Ah! Twilight, don't freak out. But there's a pony eating monster in your house!"

"I don't eat—"

"Quick! Barricade the door!"

"I don't eat po—"

"Twilight! Use your bubble-shield thingy!" Pinkie continued moving left and right so fast that the only thing I saw was a pink blur.

"I don't eat ponies!" I screamed. Pinkie stopped in her tracks. I heard Twilight sigh in relief. 'Did she think I eat ponies, too?' I thought.

"Oh. Why didn't you say so!"

"Cause you kept interrupting me."

"Really?"

"Yes..."

"Oh... want a cupcake?" Suddenly, a tray of cupcakes were held out in front of me. One was yellow, one was pink, one was purple, one was white, one was blue, and the last one was orange.

"Well... my favorite color is blue... but yellow is a close second... can I have both?"

"Don't do it you s—"Rainbow was cut off by Pinkie's hoof.

"Sure!" Pinkie said enthusiastically. So I took both yellow and blue cupcakes and took a bite out of both.

"Damn. These are good! Wonder what the rest taste like."

"Sure, try all the others." And on cue, I took a bite out of each.

"These are really good, despite the exotic flavors."

"Please... Describe them to me."

"Um... Okay. The blue one is a bit bitter, the yellow one is sweet, orange tastes like apples, the white one... Well it tasted... kinda sophisticated? I can't describe it. Anyways, pink had a lot of sugar in it, which was fan-fucking-tastic, and purple..." I began to scratch my chin. "It's hard to describe. It's like a professionally baked cupcake that one first prize in the baking competition... that the entire world competed in... and had sprinkles on it."

"Ooh~ this is going to be fun~" Pinkie bounced up in down and in a circle.

"You have doomed us all!" Rainbow cried out.

"I'm confused. I just ate a batch of cupcakes. That's it... Right?"

"No... not at all." Twilight muttered.

"What? Were they poisoned!? I'm gonna die aren't I!? Or was there a time bomb in one of them!?"

"Calm down! The cupcakes weren't poisoned or rigged to explode."

"So then what the fuck is so bad that I doomed everyone?"

"Nothing."

"What do you mean 'nothing'?"

"I mean, it's not important."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Well it's the truth."

"Rainbow! Is Twilight telling the truth?"

"Hell~ no!" Rainbow replied.

Twilight sighed. "You know what? You were right, they were poisoned."

"Well then, like my teacher always said 'If you eat poison then you make yourself vomit!'" I took a finger and began putting it in my mouth.

"Wait, whoa! Hold on! I lied! Just don't get vomit on my floor!"

"I am victorious!" I threw my arms up in the air. And I also fell on my back, giving away a loud thud.

"Did  that hurt?" Pinkie asked.

"A little."

"..." She looked at me intently. "Do you like hugs?"

"Depends on who we're talking about."

"The Elements of Harmony."

"Uh... Yes?" Immediately, I was forced upwards only to be tackled by Pinkie.

"Another question. Do you like females?"

"Yeah."

"Great! Cause you'll be getting a lot of both from now on!"

"Should I be scared?" I turned my head to look at Rainbow and Twilight. Both nodded. "Well fuck me."