Author's Note
Sleep: Not in 30 hours.
First clop, not general fic. See anything wrong, or could be improved upon? Be a dude-bro and point it out. Otherwise, enjoy your ride and remember: Your airbag won't save you from this wreck.
Like a Majestic Eagle
A relaxing sigh escaped the lips of Princess Twilight Sparkle as she stared out the window to her left. Her vision obscured by the stained glass panels, but the sun's rays beating through still felt wonderful as they warmed her cheeks. Sure, it was a beautiful sunny day out, but she had no plans with her friends, or errands to run with Spike (other than his usual aiding of Rarity at the boutique), and was completely content with spending her time with some good books. While it was true her previous book collection was now nothing more than burnt embers and drifting ash in the air, that didn't stop her from starting a recovery project to not only replace all the lost and destroyed tomes, but to make an even better library than the previous inside the very spacious main floor of her new crystal castle.
Although, she missed the Earthly atmosphere to her previous home. The tree blended with the town perfectly. The natural wood, well, everything that made up the library felt rustic, natural, homey on cold winter nights. A pony could sit there for hours, engrossed in a book and pay little attention to the outside world. Or at least, she could.
Another sigh, this one with a hint of sorrow. But alas, what's done was done. Tirek had been defeated and put away for good, and now she had a sparkly new castle in the middle of Ponyville that totally contrasts the humble village.
Another sigh. Okay, she had to quit thinking about it.
She shook her head, riding the thoughts as she took a seat at her desk, an already open book laid out before her. While it wasn't in the best of condition, being an older book it was more difficult to track down an original copy. Luckily, with a little persuasion from a certain sun wielding deity, a copy of the book happened to appear on the market at just the right price.
Sometimes, Celestia scared her.
But other times, like right now, she could care less. Nothing would phase her. The door was locked, any guards were sent home (reluctantly), and she had plenty of tea and crackers. Yes, she was going to read this book!
Thump.
Twilight's eyes darted away from the book, not even five seconds into her task and already failing. Her ears perked as she scanned the room. When nothing made itself apparent, she shrugged and went back to her book.
Thump.
It was closer that time, and when she looked up from her book, still nothing out of place. With a scowl, she looked back down to the printed pages. She was going to read this book, nothing was going to stop her. Even something-
Thump.
"Grrr," Twilight stood up, walking around her desk. "So help me, if one of the guards decided to come back..."
She marched downstairs, searching every room, every outpost, even in a couple of closets, but no guards. No ponies, or dragons, or anything. She was alone inside the castle, which could only mean one thing.
It was coming from outside the castle.
She flew back to the second floor, landing at the study door, still closed, and entered with the clip-clop of her hooves. Scanning the room one last time with no results, she briefly looked out the stained glass window, only to be impossible with all the colored triangle and diamond shapes that made up the artistic design.
For several more minutes she sat at her desk, not placing her eyes on the book, waiting for the noise to come back.
"Maybe it was just a bird, confused by the light reflecting off the castle?"
After what she safely thought felt like five minutes, and with no thumping, she shrugged and glued her eyes back onto the first page of her book.
And that's when she made her fatal mistake.
It all happened so fast, Twilight had no chance to respond to it.
CRASH!
SMACK!
Twilight blinked, the cold crystal floor pressed to her back as she saw only ceiling. Sitting up, she was greeted by bright, unfiltered sunlight beating down on her through a massive hole in the once pristine stained glass. She stood, glass pieces crunching under her hooves as a tingling sensation started on her left cheek. Rubbing it with a hoof, her cheek felt hot from sudden contact, not to mention a little raw.
Whatever it was that had come crashing through the window had slapped her in the face.
Her first instinct was to jump into the air, looking out the hole in the glass to see a possible culprit was still outside. The only thing that greeted her was the view of Canterlot off in the distance, and flat lands below with not a pony in sight. She landed back onto the floor, more glass pieces crunching with each hoof. No obvious culprit's in sight, so next thing was to investigate the object that had done the deed. With any luck, she could figure out the owner and track them down.
After all, if it was a mere accident, it wouldn't be any fur off her back. But the constant thumping from earlier hinted that there was a good chance somepony did this on purpose. Luckily, her search was so quick, it couldn't even be considered a search. The object laid on the floor, the unfiltered sunlight highlighting it to her in a circle of light. Multicolored glass shards surrounded it, sparkling around it like it was in a showroom window.
Twilight blinked her eyes, staring at the object, almost cylindrical in shape but not quite so. Especially the base, which were two massive black orbs glistening in the sunlight. Her brain was at a complete loss, shut down by the black thing on her floor, the probable cause of the stinging on her cheek. She wanted to laugh, because after all, this was ridiculous. Beyond belief or even words. Nopony in their right mind would believe her, she didn't even believe it. And yet, there is sat, on full display.
A giant.
Black.
Almost two foot long.
Artificial penis.
"I... but... what?" she sputtered, confusion overtaking her senses.
Then, from behind her, a sound was quickly approaching. Twilight barely had enough time to turn around before the rest of the stained glass window exploded inwards towards her. Time slowed down, her eyes widening at the scene as a pink pony crashed through, a giant grin on her face, and staring directly at her. The hundreds of glass shards shone in the sun, reflecting varying colors as they descended upon her like rain from Tartarus itself. Twilight closed her eyes, trying to protect herself from the glass bits as they came down upon her. When she finally had the courage to open one eye, she first took note that now ninety five percent of the window was gone.
"Hiya Twilight!"
"Oh no..."Twilight thought, slowly turning around towards the recognizable voice.
Sure enough, her horrors were real. There, sitting just behind the thing was Pinkie Pie herself, not a scratch on her. Although small bits of glass hung in her mane and tail.
"Pinkie... you... what?" Twilight stammered, staring at her friend in horror.
"Just checkin' in to see what you're up to! Well, actually, I had intended to bring you something, but then I got distracted by some foals playing on a trampoline and I was like 'Oh man I wanna try that' so I jumped on with them and we were bouncing up and down and up and down and having so much fun, but then I remembered I was bringing you a present so I said goodbye but before I could leave I tripped on something and your gift went flying onto the trampoline at the same moment one of the foals was bouncing and it went ZOOOOOM flying into the sky so then I tried to chase it but it kept on bouncing first off of some canopies then went for a ride on Big Mac's wagon but he suddenly stopped and it went flying again and managed to land at a trampoline store of all places, I didn't even know we had a trampoline store, and it just kept on bouncing and bouncing and eventually the box came all undone and Mister Stretch was just out in the open bouncing like crazy and jiggling everywhere but luckily nopony noticed so I started bouncing with him and then I realized how close we were to the castle so I started trying to throw Mister Stretch at your window in the hopes nopony would see it otherwise boy would that be awkward and after several tries he finally went soaring like the majestic horse cock he is and crashed through your window like a twenty year old condom and then I had the idea of whoa it would be fun to do that too so then I started aiming myself at the window which took me a few tries which by the way the castle is really hard like a rock although I guess that makes sense since it's crystal after all so anyway I finally made the window and here I am!"
Twilight finally blinked, her eyes severely dried from the lack of blinking as she tried to absorb what Pinkie was actually saying.
"What," Twilight stated, not asked.
"I came to give you a present, but I see you and Mister Stretch have already met, teehee," Pinkie said, poking the sore spot on Twilight's cheek.
Twilight's brain finally started again. "Wait, you threw that..." she wiggled her hoof towards it.
"Dildo. And his name is Mister Stretch," Pinkie sat next to it, turning her nose up and crossing her forelegs.
"Okay then," Twilight kept her eyes on her friend, "so why, exactly, were you bringing me this?"
"Well duh, silly! Since I'm officially going steady with my colt friend I figured that I didn't need my vast toy collection anymore, although I'll never get rid of Rocky, because he was a gift from Maud, and ooooh boy is he a gift. Maud really knows how to pick 'em. Anyway, so I figured since I didn't need them anymore I might as well share them with my bestest friends so that maybe they'd bring some fun to their lives. That got me thinkin' which one would be best for each of my friends, because after all each dildo is different. You got vibrating ones, flashy ones, one's that you can fill up and make a total mess out of you oh and you can't forget the specially ribbed ones like Mister Stretch here," Pinkie patted the dildo on the head with a smile.
Twilight shook her head. She closed her eyes, counted to ten, and opened them again. Nope. Still Pinkie Pie, still a broken window, and still a black dildo.
"Pinkie, there are so many things wrong with what you just said, never mind the fact you just threw a dildo through my window and crashed through it yourself. And yet, I'm still shocked that the only fathomable question I can come up with right now is why you think I even need one of... those."
Pinkie Pie rose an eye brow. "Really?"
"Really what?"
"Tsk tsk tsk. Twilight, of our merry little band of friends, you're suppose to be the smart one."
"But... I am the smart one?"
"EXACTLY! Which means that you're the most reclusive when it comes to sex or anything of that nature. Technically you're even more reclusive than Fluttershy, and let me tell you, I've heard stories about why she really keeps that bear around the cabin."
"Wait, what."
"So I knew that I had to bring my second runner up to you," Pinkie then grabbed the dildo, and jumped in front of Twilight. "Twilight, meet Mister Stretch. Mister Stretch, Twilight!" Pinkie flung the dildo in Twilight's face, slapping her other cheek.
"WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT!" Twilight shouted. "I'm getting sick of being slapped by dicks!"
Twilight shoved a hoof into her mouth, speaking before she thought about it. Pinkie only wiggled her eyebrows tauntingly.
Twilight removed her hoof, took a couple of deep breathes (making sure to do as Cadance had shown her) and glared at Pinkie Pie.
"Pinkie, go home. And take that thing with you."
"Awww, come on Twilight! You know it'll be fun! I sure know it was," Pinkie stared off into the distance. "Ah, I remember it like it was yesterday. Actually, come to think of it, we did do it yesterday for old times sake since I was going to be giving him to you."
Twilight covered her ears. "I don't want to be hearing this, Pinkie!"
"Oh come on, Twilight. We've been through worse at Rarity's parties."
"That was just girl talk though. Talking about stallions, whom we found most attracting, fantasizing what they'd be like in bed. But this? This is actual masturbation. And I really don't want to be talking about that kind of subject with you, or any of our friends. That's personal. You don't see me asking you about your sex life with-" Twilight blinked, "wait a second, since when did you have a colt friend?"
Pinkie waved a hoof. "Pfft, we've been going at it for like a year now. Nopony really knows since it isn't canon yet, which who knows if it even will! I like the mystery of it; keeps our relationship suspenseful."
Twilight facehoofed. "Okay, fine, whatever. Can you just, please take that thing-"
"Mister Stretch."
Twilight frowned. "Take Mister Stretch out of here? It's giving me the creeps."
"Aw, what's the matter Twilight? Not into stallions? Your read your books from the back to front?"
"What?" Twilight found herself saying again.
"Hm, that was a bad joke. See, if you were Applejack I could easily do the 'your barn door doesn't swing that way' joke, but I thought maybe if I used one of those books from oversea that you read backwards instead of forwards you'd get the joke but I guess-"
"No, Pinkie, I got it, somehow. I'm just more shocked you know about those books, since I only ever owned-" Twilight froze.
Pinkie grinned, waggling her eyebrows.
"When?" Twilight asked dully.
"Oh, not long after you moved here to Ponyville. That's how I knew Mister Stretch was the one for you, of course."
Twilight sighed, sitting down.
"Yeowch! Stupid broken glass!"
"Oh yeah, sorry about that. I'll help you clean that up once I show you the optimal use of Mister Stretch."
"Pinkie, again, I don't- Wait, show me the-"
Before Twilight could react, Pinkie had her by a hoof and was dragging her out of the study and into Twilight's private bedroom at an alarming speed. With an "oof" Twilight was flung onto her bed, bouncing once and crashing to the floor in a tangle of bedsheets.
"Oops, sorry Twilight," Pinkie said, helping Twilight back up to her hooves.
Twilight shook herself, her mane and feathers still a mess. "It's alright Pinkie. Look, I know you're trying to be symbolic with this gift, that you're got so much trust in our friendship you'd be willing to share such a personal thing with me, but really, you don't need to do this. It's a... nice gesture, but really, not needed. I won't say anything to anypony else about this, okay?" Twilight gave a reassuring smile.
Pinkie blinked. Then, like she had just been slapped by a horse dildo herself her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.
"Oh my gosh! You've never used a toy before, have you?!"
Twilight's ears and wings drooped and she frowned. "Pinkie-"
"Oh no no no, there's no way you'd turn down such a wonderful gift like Mister Stretch. He's built to satisfy any mare, even Celestia!"
Twilight closed her eyes, trying to rid her mind of the wonderful image Pinkie had just given her.
"The only ponies that would refuse would be ponies that have never truly experienced a good ruttin' from a big ol' cock!"
"Pinkie, it's not-"
"Well, just be glad that your good old friend Pinkie Pie is here to help fix that. I was gonna show you his special features, but I can see a hooves on approach is going to be required," Pinkie wiggled her eyebrows again.
Remember before, when the possible fear of Celestia was brought up? Welp, the face Pinkie was giving Twilight right now was ten times as frightening. Pinkie walked over to Twilight's door, locking it and literally swallowing the key.
"Now, where do we begin?" Pinkie said seductively.
