Ow! My *ucking nose!
As with any other day at this time, Celestia was sitting at her throne, mindlessly signing papers without a care in the world. The sun was shining in different shades and hues through the stained glass windows that lined the room and birds were chirping the day away with perfect content. The lack of urgency, the absence of struggle, everything seemed to be just perfect, and at this rate nothing would change tha-
OW! MY NOSE!
Celestia, who was currently signing her name, looked towards the door, and then towards the other ponies who were accompanying her in the empty throne room. The guards, who looked as if they were about to enact Princess Protection Maneuver: 167 -or as Celestia had dubbed it ‘throw the Princess out the nearest window’- stood at the ready, waiting to see if somepony was about to put a battering ram through the door.
Yet, as they watched, nothing happened. The world remained in a sort of shellshock with a held breath to await an aftershock that but never came. The first sounds they heard after the eathquake into their perfectly boring day was the disgruntled chirping of a bird who had been blown into the center of the throne room. Said bird, after ruffling its feathers to regain its composure, waddled towards the door in a manner that could only be interpreted as “Fine, I don’t need your stinkin’ window anyway,” before flying away.
After watching the bird march out of the throne room, Celestia set her papers down on a nearby pedestal and began to walk towards the doors while her guards kept tight to her sides, still weary over the unexpected commotion.
When the trio reached the doorway the two unicorns broke away from their charge, blocked the oak double doors from the alicorn, and said, “Your Majesty, I would wait just to make sure it’s safe. We don’t know what happened.”
Celestia shook her head, “There’s no need to worry. I have a feeling I know what’s going on.”
“How are you so sure?”
“Well, Cadance is in the Great White North, I’m right here, and Season 3 hasn’t ended yet. So unless Hasbro launched another toy line, one would safely assume Luna did something to her nose.”
The two matching unicorns looked at each other for a moment and then stepped aside and watched as their charge left. They waited until the grand doors to the throne room closed before the unicorn on the left asked the unicorn on the right, “Who the buck is ‘Hasbro’?”
Celestia walked through the castle towards her sister’s chambers and the residential guards opened the doors for her when she approached. As she entered, she scanned across the room, her gaze shifting as the finely dusted and well organized family photos and picture perfect bed turned to a heap of discarded potato chip bags in front of a 55” inch curved plasma screen TV. But sure enough, as her head swiveled a full 180 degrees, Celestia found her sister in her bathroom, medical cabinet opened, and a white octagonal package with a big red cross on it lying on the counter.
Luna sat on her posterior and looked at her sister but did not say a word. Was it shame that had brought her to silence, or was it the intense roar of boiling rage being caught in such an embarrassing situation that caused her unwillingness to talk? It could have been a million different things, or it could have been the binding of gauze which wrapped around her entire muzzle, from tip to just before her eyes, that bound her mouth closed like a poorly done mummy costume for Nightmare Night.
Celestia gave a sigh and approached her sister. She sat down in front of her and said, “Let me see it.”
Luna, proud of her improvised medical skills, crossed her hooves across her chest and shook her head no.
Celestia returned by crossing her own hooves across her chest, “Luna, don’t make me call mom and dad.”
The smaller alicorn visibly deflated and hung her head in defeat. Celestia slipped her horseshoes off and began to reach the tips of her hooves up the bandages and lightly began to tug the cone shaped medical supplies off of her sister’s nose. Little by little, every touch, every bump, and every slight movement caused Luna to wince in pain until the medical shell was completely off.
Sure enough, as the cry from earlier had foretold, Luna’s already dark nose was multiple shades of black and blue. The bridge of which, often straight and held high above the rest of society, looked more like a crushed and discarded beverage can while two red pieces of fluff had been stuffed into the nostrils.
“Wow, how did this happen?” Celestia asked, holding her hooves around the injury while still not touching it.
“Don’t ask.”
Celestia, her hooves scouting around the bruised area, accidentally touched a swollen area and caused her sister to jolt away, “Does it hurt?”
Luna, with a stuffed nose full of blood that even a mere breeze would cause her to wince because of the sting, tried her best to scoff at her sister and said, “Of course it does! Why else would I scr- YYYYEEEOOOWW!”
In one swift motion Celestia filled the chamber full of crackles and pops, returning the twisted and crooked branch that had become of her sister's nose back to its former glory. Luna jumped back to her medical supplies and used another clump of bandages to catch the blood that flowed from the broken levee. Celestia used some of the excess gauze from Luna’s first attempt at surgery to clean herself.
“What was that for!?!”
Celestia, now done, threw the medical waste into a nearby trashcan and said, “Luna, it was either going to be me or somepony else.” She paused for a moment and watched the clump of white stitching in her sister’s hoof slowly turn from white to red, “Wow, I haven’t seen that much blood come out of you since-”
Luna appeared in front of her sister, with one hoof applying gentle pressure to her nose while the other was straight out, repeatedly poking Celestia in the chest to drive home each syllable of what she had to say. “Not. Another. Word! Don’t you DARE finish that sentence!”
Slowly, Celestia used her own hoof to gently return Luna’s to the ground, “I was going to say when we knocked your last foal tooth out. But whatever makes you feel better is fine, too.” The two sat for a moment, silence overtaking the room as Luna watched the bloody snot fill her napkin and Celestia thought of what else she could do. “You know,” Celestia chuckled, “Now we can get you that nose job that you wanted since you were 18,000 years old.”
“Shut up!” Luna shouted, turning away and showing her back to her sister.
Celestia stood up and began to follow Luna’s retreating gaze, “Yeah, and while we’re at it we can-” But then Celestia stopped, for when she looked into her sister’s face the only thing she could see were her closed eyes, silently and painfully sobbing into the bandages while more bloody snot flowed out of her aching nose… and her sister teased her about it.
It was at that moment that Celestia was willing to break her own nose to see if it would make her feel better.
Instead of offering up the condition of her own nasal cavity as tribute, Celestia had a better idea. In one movement she swooped Luna up onto her back and led her out of the room, declaring, “Let’s get you an ice pack. While we’re at it, I heard a rumor where the Royal Guard is hiding my gelato.”
Hours later, Celestia found herself entering her sister’s chambers once more, and just like the first time she found her sibling in the bathroom looking at the mirror and the brace and icepack taped to her snout.
“Are you sure you’re ready for your duties tonight, Luna?”
“Yes,” she sighed -or rather attempted to perform a sigh but failed- , “Just like I’m ready for the condescending concern of our subjects.” She put a hoof on her chest and tried to make a mocking voice, “Oh, my Lady, what ever happened to your nose! Princess are you feeling alright? Hey Carl, look out. Princess Moonbutt is getting a nose job.”
Those last two words cut deeply into both of their hearts. Luna stepped out of the bathroom and stood in front of her sister as she examined her. Celestia could see what Luna wanted to do, but at the same time Celestia knew what she needed to do.
Celestia picked up her sister in magic and said, “Luna, why don’t you take the night off to feel better.” She set her down into the well-worn spot in the center of a beanbag chair and placed a controller in her hooves.
“Thank you.” Luna whispered, wiping the moisture from her eyes and turning to watch her sister leave. Feeling that Luna was content for the first time today, Celestia smiled, and for the strangest reason felt as if her heart was beginning to melt at the image of her foal sister watching her from the other side of the beanbag chair.
She walked towards the door, but for some odd reasons, they did not open for her. She reached out and turned the knob, but no matter how far she turned it she couldn’t make them open. She raddled the wooden portal, but they stood firm. Now, not to be bested by -of all things- a door in her own home, Celestia reached down and sank her teeth into the handle and began to pull, going back and forth, shaking the nob until it found that sweet spot that wou-
CRACK!
"OW! MY NOSE!"
Author's Note
I wrote this one night after A very stressful week, members on the site going full retard, and a general lack of sleep. This is probably my only attempt at crack comedy and my only One Joke Blunder.
I regret nothing!
