Carpe Carpet

by AlexMalkavian

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Zecora, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Rarity, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1673

Twilight goes on a quest to find a carpet for her crystal palace.

Twilight goes on a quest to find a carpet for her crystal palace.

Rated 'T' for some crude jokes, failing at memes, failing at game knowledge and other silly things.

Published 2015-01-24 21:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-24 21:40:02 UTC

... or Pluck The Tapetem

Not so long time ago in a relatively magical land of Equestria, another fanfiction failed to start with some line that wasn't overused.

Princess Twilight Sparkle was sitting in her strange crystal-tree-palace-thingy. It was November, and its crystal floors were colder day by day. Technically, she could just set a fireplace somewhere, not risking to burn the whole house now that it was't a tree, but why would she burn wood if there’s so many books could be created out of it?

“Twilight, we definitely need some carpets here,” said Spike, suddenly appearing out of somewhere, where he usually waits for his entrance. "The floors are really cold."

“Oh my Celestia, Spike!” Twilight gasped. “You’re a genius!”

“Yeah, I know that,” little dragon answered offhandedly. “Also, Princess Celestia is not yours, and you know it.”

“It really doesn't matter now, Spike,” the alicorn replied, but still sighed dreamily. “But let’s get back to business. Where can I found some carpets?”

“In the carpet shop, duh!” Spike shrugged. “We even have more than one here in Ponyville.”

And so Princess Twilight Sparkle lifted her pretty purple princess’ posterior and went out of library to visit shops. As Spike said, there really were several — in fact, four — shops in town that sold carpets. Or should sell. But luck was not on her side today.

In ‘Candelabras and carpets’ there were no carpets at all. In ‘Carpets and cats’ all carpets were destroyed by said cats. ‘Carpets and carpets’ were rebranded as ‘Jack, Applejack, Lumberjack and Candleja’ — last name for some reason was incomplete.

She found one carpet in ‘Carpets and crap’, but it was reeking with manure and surely was not suitable for any decent princess. As she was about to leave the shop, she heard Rarity’s voice:

“If I were you, darling,” said Rarity, who was going in direction of the Everfree Forest with strap-on sticking out of her saddlebag, ”I’d send it to prince Blueblood, because he totally deserved it.”

So Twilight followed her advice. Then, being out of buying options, Twilight Sparkle decided to use logic.

“Okay, what do I know about carpets?” she thought out loud. “They are usually made of wool, silk, cotton, or some other materials. Where do ponies get wool from? From sheep or goats… sounds like some racist exploitation to me. So that’s out of question. Next one is silk. If I’m not mistaken, it is produced by some insects. Where can I found a lot of insects? In the Everfree Forest.

“And then, cotton. It grows on plants,” she continued to muse. ”Where can I find a lot of plants? Well, in the Everfree Forest, of course! Then, it’s the only way.”

“Oh, will you shut up already?!” some grumpy background pony shouted, but Twilight couldn't hear him, because she was already running to the forest, shocked by her own strange logic.

* * *

And while Twilight is running, I'd like to thank Pinkie Pie who saved me from that C-guy.

"Oh, you're welcome. Just don't ever say or write his name, it was a bit hard to deal with him."

Thank you, Pinkie. I surely will follow your advice.

* * *

So, Twilight Sparkle was walking through the Everfree Forest, searching some source material for the carpet.

“What do we have here?” she asked herself. “Tree, another tree, tree number three, stone, some more trees, Zecora, another stone… Oh, hello, Zecora.”

“I don’t really want to speak in rhyme, so say what you need and don’t waste my time,” Zebra said to alicorn.

“I need a carpet for my palace,” Twilight answered. "Do you know where can I find it?"

Zecora gave her a strange look, then said:

"You'll find carpet tree not far away, but in your place I’d visit psychiatrist anyway."

"Hmm, so carpets grow on tree... It surely makes my task easier. Thank you, Zecora. I'll be on my way then."

Walking away, Twilight thought that Zecora's hide could be a nice-looking carpet too, but it probably would be as bad as exploiting sheep. Also her 'way–away' rhyme was bad.

* * *

Rustle from the bushes distracted Twilight from her epic quest. Well, there's always something rustling in the bushes of Everfree forest, but she also could hear mare giggling and some chirping sounds. Curiously, she came to the bushes and peeked through it.

What she saw made her grunt in annoyance. Behind the bushes was Rarity, pointing at giant crab with some prolonged object with some kind of harness on it.

"Rarity, are you fighting giant crab again?" She sighed. Then she looked closer at the object the white unicorn was holding in her magic grasp. "Wait, is that what I think it is?"

"Oh, no, darling." Rarity answered, nonchalantly flailing with strap-on in the air. "After some conversation with Fluttershy I understood, that fighting won't solve the problem. As our feathered friend said, 'Make love, not war'. So that's what we about to do, isn't it, honey?" she asked the crab.

Crab chirped something in his crabby language. Twilight rolled her eyes.

"Well, whatever rocks your boat. Just two questions before I go. First, do you know where is the carpet tree?"

Crab chirped again, and moved one of his many legs.

"He said it should be a couple of miles over there," Rarity translated, waving her hoof in the same direction as the crab did.

"Okay, and second, where can I find something to eat here?"

"There should be berry field on your way," Rarity answered. "There are strawberries, blueberries, cranberries... Oh, and if you find some dingleberries, send them to Prince Blueblood, he likes them very much."

"You know, that wasn't funny even first time. But thank you anyway, Rarity," Twilight said and continued her way.

Behind her she could hear Rarity saying, "Well, my nasty crab, get your ass ready... or whatever you crabs have."

Well, I think this is something new, the purple alicorn thought.

* * *

Night was coming. Twilight could see the carpet tree not far away now, when five human figures appeared on her path.

“Halt,” said the first.

“Who,” added the second, sounding a bit like Owlowiscious.

“Goes,” continued the third.

“There,” finished the fourth.

“?” asked the fifth.

"I'm princess Twilight Sparkle, and I'm looking for the carpet . And who are you, guys?"

“Freddy,” answered the first.

“Freddy,” said the second.

“Freddy,” mumbled the third.

“Freddy,” grumbled the fourth.

The fifth one just nodded, confirming that he’s Freddy too.

"Wow, five Freddies at night,” Twilight said. "I know next to nothing about you, but you already pissing me off. So what do you want from me?"

While four of Freddies tried to formulate an answer in four words, the fifth one inhaled deeply, and started talking:

"You see, princess, the tree is guarded by an eldritch abomination created by a sleepless mind of a mad human. This creature is called Put-In, because he tries to put his tentacles in any cavity he can find. But the most horrible thing is that he sings in a voice of Justin Bieber. And only we can help you to defeat it..."

And then other Freddies came to their senses.

“Shut,” shouted the first.

“The,” cried out the second.

“Fuck,” yelled the third.

“Up,” screamed the fourth.

“!” exclaimed the fifth.

Then they all turned to Twilight again and said in their usual manner:

“We—”

“—Will—”

“—Help—”

“—You—”

“.” resolutely finished the fifth Freddy, who became taciturn again.

Twilight cringed at their strange punctuation and said:

"Okay, guys, let's go."

* * *

They met him, and the forces were unequal. Flailing with his tentacles and wailing with his high-pitched voice, Put-In easily defeated five Freddies. Twilight’s Kamehamehas also seemed to have no effect on him. Even Rarity riding giant crab, who suddenly appeared on battlefield, couldn't do a thing with her weaponized strap-on.

But true heroes always come when no one expects.

A strange azure shape, resembling Penrose triangle, appeared in the sky. But despite outside appearance, Twilight immediately recognized it.

"Trixie?!"

"Former Trixie, Twilight Sparkle," The Great And Powerful Triangle replied. "I got rid of my ignorance, passions, anger, pride and jealousy, and became a creature of higher being. To you I probably look like some strange geometric shape now".

"Yeah, you look like Penrose triangle, though I think that pony with such name should be a writer or a gardener, not mathematician. But anyway, why are you here?"

"I came here, Twilight, to help you."

Ex-Trixie waved with her triangleness, and then a swarm of angel playing blues-harps (not harmonicas, but actual harps) appeared. The Great And Powerful Triangle cleared her spiritual throat and began to sing the Cross Road Blues. Sounds of good music banished the awful-voiced abomination from Equestria.

"Farewell now, Twilight Sparkle," said The Great And Powerful Triangle, and then disappeared as mysteriously, as she appeared.

Twilight came closer to the tree. The tree was big, probably bigger than her old library, but instead of leaves it had carpets on its branches — all in different shapes and design.

Flapping her wings, Twilight Sparkle flew up to a branch.

Then she plucked the carpet.

And then she ate it.

THE END.

No, not really.

But the carpet was not only beautiful, but also tasty. So Twilight uprooted the carpet tree, and with help of Five Freddies, Rarity and her giant crab she moved it to Ponyville. There she planted it again, carved some wood from inside to create rooms, and started the only proper carpet shop in Ponyville. She also made paper from leftover wood and reprinted all the books she had in her library, and even more.

And one of the books contained this fucked-up story.

And now — THE END.

Author's Note

Another stupid story written mostly on sleep-deprived night shifts (and a little on a free day's evening with absinthe).

Also Google Chrome doesn't know words 'eldritch' and 'weaponized '...