Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 147902

Celestia writes some blunt letters to her faithful student and friends.

Letters. Everyone writes them, and they're not just for ponies. Be they carriers of serious news, friendly correspondence between pen pals, or declarations of heart and heartbreak, each one is written with a clear purpose or goal in mind.

Celestia uses them to try and keep her faithful student and friends in line, and try to keep an unbalanced world on the straight and narrow.

This is much harder than it sounds.

~~~

Now with an audio reading by Lady Tenkage!

Side Stories:

Old-Fashioned Bar Hoppers, featuring Celestia, Mayor Mare, and Granny Smith shenanigans.
Journal of an Adolescent Clone, featuring Sunny and Moony shenanigans since Season 5.

Published 2015-01-24 21:30:04 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-05 19:20:37 UTC

Master of Tickets, Part 2

My faithful student,

Your decision to decline the Gala invitation is truly remarkable. You really do believe those five are good enough friends to not want to go at all if even one couldn't go, even though I'm pretty sure they almost came to blows over that one ticket.

I kind of wanted to see that happen, actually. Haven't seen a good scuffle in centuries.

But more importantly, I'm surprised you didn't just ask for more tickets immediately. Yes, I said they were exclusive things, but you're my exclusive student. Remember, there isn't anything wrong with asking, so do that next time you need help.

I've enclosed more tickets so you and all of your friends can attend the Gala. However, my warning still stands about their attire being passable beyond simply throwing objects in their mane. However, the white one is a dress designer, right? Pretty sure that's self-explanatory.

Speaking of her, I'd like you to ask about the Element of Generosity. I received the other five just fine, but that one is still missing. Really hoping she didn't live up to it and just give it away, but I also hope it's not in some less secure safe of hers.

And I mean that. I have wards and extensive locking mechanisms on just the door. Nothing's going to bust through it, much less carry it, cackling away as they ride off into the sunset.

The sooner I get a response on this matter, the better. Ask her and get that element ASAP. I'll be busy with some local Diamond Dogs in the meantime.

I'm not looking forward to the smell.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S.

...Luna, I know you're looking over my shoulder. Stop making dumb faces and get ready for negotiations.

You can put up with the stench! You went a millenium without bathing up there! I'm surprised your return didn't incinerate everyone's nostrils!

No! You WILL go if you want your onyx that badly. I'm not going to suffer this alone, you blueberry pi--

Bucking Apples

Twilight Sparkle,

I just received your first friendship report, and reading it, I'm a bit... confused.

Because I could have sworn I said something in the last letter. Something about it being okay to ask for help? I'm quite certain I put that in, so reading this report feels remarkably redundant.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy that Applejack--she's the orange one, right? She learned that important lesson the hard way, I suspect. The Apples were always a bit stubborn, and Granny Smith was no exception.

She's still alive, right? That mare can drink like a champ. And it's been a while, but I think this advice is still sound: stay away from her on Sundays. I mean it. She might be sweet when baked, but she's got a mean bite otherwise.

On that note, could you also let her know I'm free Moonday? Just say, "Pollock's Pub." She'll know where and when.

Love,

Princess Celestia

...No, Luna, you can't come. You have evening court duties.

I will not get you a bottle of Whisker's Whiskey! Do you know how many apology letters I've had to write for your impromptu meteor shower the last time you had that?!

Fine, I'll buy a bottle, but only after your duties are finished. You get one sho--YES, ONE!

Brushing Off Bad Lessons

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Boasting is Bad, Buster

Twilight Sparkle,

Isn't your talent... magic? Like, just being really good at magic? I have to confirm this, because reading this report implies that you didn't want to use it at one point to help your friends.

Twilight, how often do you see a grounded Pegasus who put restraints on their wings just so they can't fly, or refuse to push a cloud for fear of a static shock? Do you see Earth ponies not doing... whatever it is they should be doing? How about Unicorns actually grasping a teacup in their hooves?

My point is you shouldn't be afraid to use your magic, even for trivial things. My mane would be a nightmare to brush if I didn't use magic, for example. I'm serious, I tried it without magic once. Scared near half the maids and guards in the castle that day.

Don't try it yourself. I don't want to hear about another Nightmane incident.

Speaking of incidents, I received a report earlier this evening about an Ursa Minor that appeared in Ponyville. I assume you handled that? Because if not, that means I'll have to come down there.

You don't want that to happen.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, don't touch my hair.

Yes, I know we brushed each other's manes before, but you always put glitter in mine. You know how I hate gli--

I get to put ribbons in yours? Really?

...I'll think about it.

Dragons aren't Shy, Part 1

My faithful student,

I write to you on this occasion regarding the smoke coming from Ponyville. I'd assumed it was another Apple barn burning down, but judging from the color and smell, that is not the case.

It belongs to a sleeping dragon.

Now, I'm not surprised a dragon nested in that mountain. That spot has always been trouble as all sorts of dragons have nested there before, usually in preparation for the migration. Still, we're trying to discourage that by blocking the cave, but every time we've plugged up the entrance, a new dragon would show up and just casually knock the boulders aside before settling in.

On that note, apologies on any damages from the rockslide that probably occurred prior. I'm sending some guards and foremares over there, and they'll be sure to double up the rocks, and add some cement in there.

Until they arrive, DO NOT do anything rash or excitable. This is not a mission, just a stern warning. Treat this creature with the utmost respect and leave it alone. I don't want you to turn it into another fiasco like the time I took you to their mating grounds.

I had to write a letter filled with so many "sorry"s and apologies my horn cramped thanks to your idle comment about inadequate size. It didn't help my letter was longer than that either, but you left me no choice.

Stay safe, my student, and STAY AWAY from that dragon.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Dragons aren't Shy, Part 2

Twilight Sparkle,

I'm beginning to wonder if you actually read my letters, or your eyeballs just glaze over, twisting and turning my words into something I didn't say like a paparazzi pony. Does most of this letter just look like a giant page of ellipses to you?

Whatever the case, you visited the dragon and corrected the problem without causing another incident due to one of your friends. I... ugh, thank you for this.

In case you didn't pick up on the context in my last letter, we're dealing with the remnants of the dragon smoke right now in Canterlot. Pegasi are pushing it away from the city as I write this, beating their wings as fast as they can.

Luna's being far more effective, though. Her shouting blasts the smoke away in massive clouds. "BEGONE, FUMES OF FUNK AND FOULNESS! AWAY WITH THEE, CURSED CLOUDS OF CALAMITY!" are a few choice lines. She's having too much fun with this, but the clouds are redirecting towards the Badlands thanks to her chords of steel, so I can't complain.

That probably won't have any negative repercussions outside of ruining everyone's hearing in town for a week or so. That includes mine, and I'm wearing earmuffs. Be lucky you're not here right now.

Ah, yes, one last thing. Fluttershy talked down the dragon, right? That's actually pretty impressive, so I enclosed a gold scale in this letter. Give it to her and let her know she's the town's official Dragon Watch, and that she better do a good job.

Because if not, she'll be fired.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Bridle Curiosity, Bad Gossip

Twilight Sparkle,

You jumped to conclusions again, didn't you? How many times do I have to explain to you the necessity to assess a situation from EVERY angle?

By the sound of things, you got wrapped into the words of your "friends" and thought somepony, who may/may not be the zebrican botanist I mentioned in the last letter, was a horrid hexer who intended on cooking up some Apple Bloom stew.

Either that's referring to... what's the orange one's name? Applesack's little sister--who's cute as a button, that girl--or you mean the sweet stew with the flowerbuds and candied yams. That stuff is to die for, and I could just eat it right now.

The stew, I mean. Not Apple Bloom. DO NOT CONFUSE THIS.

But I'm honestly surprised that you, the resident bookworm, would fail in realizing the ludicrosity of their claims. You fact-checked me on every single statement I made while you stayed in my castle, but the second you leave you get caught up in the rumors and hearsay of your friends/acquaintances? I'd almost call this implausible if I didn't remember that it was you.

Zecora sent me a letter about this incident as I was writing this, you know. Yes, I know her from a... recreational event I go to once every month. Yes, the same one I said you couldn't come along for when you asked.

You still can't come. You're not mature enough to handle hot cocoa, let alone tea.

If anything's been proven today, it's that you can't pull your head out of your arse because you think you see a gold nugget at the end of your colon. I will tell you this, Twilight: I too have seen the nugget, and I found out the hard way it's fool's gold.

Please do not disappoint me again, Twilight.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S.

When you have time, let Zecora know I'll be bringing Royal Blend 64 for this month's meeting, and please tell her to bring Stripes and Stars.

No Luna, you already see enough stars as is. You can't come.

Just drink more of Joe's coffee then! You already order that everyday!

Nope, I'm not looking at that pouting, puppydog face of yours. You're not going, and that's fi--

A Century of Swarms, Part 1

Twilight Sparkle,

I'm coming for a visit. No, you're not in trouble. Yet.

As frustrated as I've been with you and your amazing friendship reports, the fact that you're actually learning things is something worth praising in person, so I'm bringing you a few treats in celebration of this astounding achievement.

I know you'll look forward to some of your mother's sweet biscuits; I know I do. I've asked her for the recipe, but she refused on the grounds of it being a family secret. That's okay, though. It's perfectly fine.

Oh, and I'll bring along a slice of vanilla ten-layer cake, made by yours truly. Sure, three layers is reasonable, and five may be pushing the limits a bit, but nopony's complained about more layers than that to my face.

You get two bites. Don't complain, that is twice as much as last time.

Luna's baking cookies made from moon dust, moon rocks, and her own tears. Apparently that's how she lived for the past millenium on the moon. "Don't worry if it tastes like hate," she said. "It only lingers for the first minute."

...I'll bring some regular cookies, just in case.

Anyway, I'll come by within a few hours after a few errands and duties I must take care of. I do expect your home to be tidy, however, so that should keep you occupied. Don't go off and make it a spectacle like I'm visiting every building in town, however. I know this is a big deal for you, but it's not THAT big, okay?

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, those cookies smell... mouth-wateringly delicious.

Yes, I'm sure Twilight will, uh, probably enjoy them.

You want me to try one? Er, I suppose I can.

A Century of Swarms, Part 2

Dear Twilight,

I'm disappointed in you. Again.

To start, I saw these same creatures over in Trotsdale eating everything late this afternoon, but when I came to Ponyville earlier, Pinkie was busy parading them off into the woods while you were busy trying not to lose your cool like you didn't even know what was going on.

I don't question Pinkie knowing about the Parasprites. She knows too much as is, like the fact that I haven't celebrated my birthday since I banished my sister.

Side note, but tell her to stop stalking me on that matter. I will get around to that.

Anyway, what I do question is why neither you or Fluttershy bothered to research the Parasprite first if both of you knew nothing about it. She is the resident animal expert, you are the resident librarian, and yet it took Zecora to inform you of their voracious eating habits.

Fluttershy I can forgive as she may not know about all the creatures of the Everfree, but that's why we have books on the subject. I know you have a copy of "Pet, or Pest? A Compendium of Carnivorous, Cute, and Crazy Creatures" by Doc Danger somewhere in your library. Maybe it was right next to the copy of the other book you judged by its cover?

Actually, that's exactly what happened here. You didn't fully question what the Parasprite was right from the outset. Pinkie even knew exactly what they were, but you didn't ask her about them. You did learn these lessons before, right?

Well, maybe you were panicked over the whole situation. Discovering what were once cute pets can eat you out of house and home is something to worry over, but you must keep a level head on your shoulders when such a situation hits the fan.

In this case, you turned Parasprites into Paratermites that could actually eat your home. If Spike relieves himself in a corner of your library, I hope your first solution won't be to plug up the offending holes on him.

Your learned lesson was valuable; that I will not debate. But please think about your magic before you cast something tragic.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. The Parasprites ate everything I brought with me but the moon cookies.

Yes, Luna. Your moon cookies, which I might add were surprisingly tasty.

Luna, calm down, okay? They're just bugs. They don't have good taste!

...oh dear.

Unwrapping Winter

My faithful student,

I'm delighted to hear that you participated in an Earth pony tradition. No, really. You not using magic is the best news I've heard since the Parasprite Infestation.

However, the hidden talents bit worries me because that makes it sound like you discovered a hidden talent you didn't know you had.

You do know that adds another mark, right? It's called the Hidden Mark, and it can show up anywhere on your body. And I do mean anywhere. Even on the liver of an ale guzzler, which is how a doctor found out it existed in the first place. There can even be more than one.

Don't go looking for it, though. Luna's still looking for hers, and I stopped after the... ugh, fool's gold thing from before. And don't share this with your friends either. I don't want to hear about Rarity checking her eyes for needles or anything.

But in regards to your friendship lesson, about how that and teamwork can accomplish anything? I can expand on that a little.

You know I have Royal Guards. They are not royal, occasionally stink of mead or hard cider, are questionable guards at best, and glorified messenger colts at worst. While their loyalty remains undaunting, their work ethic is a crapshoot.

They're not all friends. And I've heard arguments that suggest some of them never will be. But they're co-workers, and even though they might not like each other, they'll put up with each other enough to at least do a serviceable job most days.

But if my life is on the line, you bet your arse their petty differences are set aside in favor of surrounding me in a phalanx. That is not solely friendship that surrounds me; that is camaraderie, and no stronger force exists than that of unspoken trust and friendship between your comrades.

I don't like the look some of them give Luna, though. Like, they'd catcall if I wasn't near her. That kind of look.

I'll need to address that issue. Remind them of whose arse they catcalled first.

Oh, before I forget about Rarity, I would have you issue a formal apology to her on my behalf. It turns out she DID send the Element after the second reminder that she still had it, but it had been lost in transit for a while because of some wall-eyed mailmare that broke one of my stained glass windows today delivering it.

The apology is for me chucking a rock at her Boutique after reading your not-a-friendship-report report. Yes, from Canterlot.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Also extend my apologies to Applesmack. I missed my first throw. Badly.

Friends Don't Leave Leaves Behind

My faithful student,

I hope my unannounced appearance during Ponyville's annual Running of the Leaves didn't throw you off. Rather, I'm delighted you got a medal. That means you actually read something on pacing yourself properly, I take it?

I actually came to also visit Mayor Mare that day. She and I go way back, but more importantly, it was to discuss my... erm, damage towards Rarity's property.

Do you know how expensive your friend's windows are? I could feed a full orphanage for three days for the cost of that thing! Or three orphanages for one day! Good gods, are they made from the crystallized tears of baby dragons?

It might be a good idea for you to start watching Spike around her. I don't want her getting ideas.

Now, in regards to Applegak and Rainbow Dash, I thoroughly enjoyed their tussle as they crossed the finish line. Their fierce competitive spirit made for an enthralling end to a competition that otherwise usually ends in broken dreams, broken bones, and broken twigs.

And pointlessness. You know those leaves fall on their own, right? Does anyone in this town know that? Applegak has to know; she bucks trees for a living! She's got to rake leaves too, and I seriously doubt she's got a whole pony stampede on hoof for that.

That said, I made them run again to get those other trees since everypony apparently wanted Fall to end as soon as possible. I don't blame them; it's a terrible season filled with cold weather, cold people, and colds.

Especially colds. That pesky illness always seems to breach my ward and just ruin me for a whole month. You might remember those times when I had Cadance keep an eye on you while I was busy blowing my horn for days. I even got complaints from the townsfolk about the noise coming from the castle.

Yes, over a millennium spent on this land, and I can still be brought down by common disease. Go figure.

Anyway, keep up on these reports, Twilight. I look forward to your next one.

Love,

Princess Celestia

...Luna, you visited the school again, didn't you? You have paint in your mane.

Oh, they told you jokes? Let me hear one.

Who's there?

I eat mop who--LUNA!

Success Suits: When Failure is Not an Option

Twilight Sparkle,

You remember when I told you to look into Rarity designing your dresses? I regret that statement I made, because I had a feeling it would lead to this.

I'll hazard a guess and say that you and your friends were amazingly unreasonable in your choices for apparel to wear, even though I specifically stated that I didn't want any of you to wear anything ridiculous. As usual, you overthought something simplistic and made it out into more of a chore than it had to be.

That's why you're not allowed to use brooms. Gods, I'm still finding splinters and hay strands.

You know that the Grand Galloping Gala isn't something like your seventh birthday with punch and cake and streamers, right? I mean, the only reason I let you wear that frilly mess of a dress that turned you into a giant loofah was because you didn't roll out into the streets with it. The looks your parents gave me, as I recall, were a mix of confusion and anger at having their daughter masquerade as a tumbleweed. Your brother laughed his horn off and called you his little Cottonball.

Ok, I admit that was a good laugh. Anyway, you learned your lesson at least, and so did Rarity. That's something, at least.

Love,

Princess Celestia

What? Luna, I told you the Stitch sisters would be here today!

It's too late now! They get into this zone when they start working, and I won't hear from them for weeks.

Don't ask me! I don't know anyone el--wait. Wait a second.

I do.

Pinkie's Feeling Keen Tonight

My faithful student,

I'm not sure whether to interpret this letter as an indoctrination into Pinkism, or you discovered how much of an anomaly Pinkie is. Or both. Pinkism is a rather devout religion in Ponyville, so I'm not surprised in the least that you discovered it.

I am surprised it took this long, though. Really expected this letter to come up far sooner than this. Like, in your first week, actually.

Anyway, beware, my student. Pinkie's the head of the group, obviously, and if you hadn't noticed, she does things that you can't and won't be able to explain.

Things like suddenly appearing on my castle balcony right now. I locked the door, but she's right there. Staring at me with those piercing blue eyes. Waiting.

I will celebrate my birthday soon, Pinkie! GO AWAY! Luna will bake the cake, okay?!

I have no idea if that smile from her just now was a good thing or not, but she left. I think.

Anyway, keep your windows and doors locked at night. She might be okay during the day, but don't go looking for answers involving her. They're not worth it, and you have better things to do with your time.

Like writing good friendship reports that aren't blind belief admissions.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. One more warning. Beware of Pi day. Just... be aware, and have a rag and bucket on hoof.

Luna, don't scare me like that! Pinkie was just here on the balco--

No. Nononono! NO! Pinkie, please! I promise I'll have it soon!

Uh, at the end of this month! M-My birthday is coming up again, so that's perfect! Right?

C-Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!

...that was a close one. I mean, it's just a tiny promise. A small, legally binding promise that spells imminent doom if I break it...

Ponyfeathers.

Rainbooms and You: A Cautionary Tale

Twilight Sparkle,

I finally know who made the sound and prismatic lightshow all those years ago, before you were my student.

I was reading a good book, sipping a cup of Royal Blend #42, when suddenly my balcony doors threw open as a rainbow blast crashed through, shattering every bit of glass on it. It was loud and beautiful, bursting my eardrums and blowing me and my mind away, toppling me out of my favorite chair and spilling my tea all over that book. It was simply... awesome. Destructive, but awesome.

Also, Rainbow Dash owes me a new copy of "Color and You: Orange Works With Blue, Even if Everyone Hates It."

Now then, did you think you were clever earlier today by passing the buck to Rarity when I asked you what you learned at the Best Young Fliers competition? Or did you choose to have Rarity state the lesson as she's the one who actually learned it for herself?

Regardless of which it is, I can safely say that it is indeed a firm lesson to learn. Although... I imagine that Rainbow Dash still has her head in the clouds instead of her hooves on the ground at the moment. Me naming ponies winners is akin to them winning a lottery, and going by her celebratory motions, I'd say she's going to ride this high for weeks.

Although... that turn of phrase is really lost on Pegasi. I even know a few that never touch the ground. They specifically take a pet cloud with them wherever they go. They even feed it and bathe it; don't ask me how bathing works.

It's not the strangest choice of pet I've seen, but given I own a bird whose molting pattern involves fire and ash, I have no right to complain.

Also, do not get a pet phoenix. You live in a tree. That problem should basically spell itself out, but... I don't know with you. Just don't get one, and trust me on that.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna? What's the password?

That was yesterday's! Try again.

This is not extreme! Pinkie invaded my personal space, and I am NOT taking chances!

Yes. Tea and biscuits, please. And the password is "lemon cake."

Show-stopping Words of Wisdom

Dear Twilight,

This report is adorable to read, if only for the sheer naivete that children bring to the world. While I'd love to believe that everypony can find their talent and put it to use and live a happy life doing just their calling, the facts don't lie when I say that some of those talents hardly mean a thing to others in the world.

Twilight, understand that there are some ponies out there that have to make a living by some other means because their true talent may not be enough to get them by. Your local florist may be a cabaret singer, or your barber a doctor. Heck, Applequack might be a moonshiner in the off-season for her orchard.

Or at least Granny is. I don't know what she does to get that sour bite in her cider, but I love it.

Anyway, Hidden Mark talents are the unsung heroes to these ponies, Twilight. While discovering your true calling is important, it's just as important to figure out how to support that calling if you know it can't support itself.

I should tell Luna about that. Her... erm, aspirations regarding singing could use this pep talk too.

Sleep well, my student. And keep on top of those library late fees!

Love,

Princess Celestia

Evening, Lu--that better not be a microphone.

No, I'm not going to participate in Karaoke tonight. I hear everyone brings earmuffs to that anyway and...

No, Luna! Your voice isn't THAT terrible... although you do need work. A ton of work. Mountains of it, actually.

I don't know, maybe try to not shout or yell as much? Practice softly in front of a songbird? Get lessons from Fluttershy? Try something!

The Best Laid Plans of Dogs and Ponies...

Twilight Sparkle,

Six months spent in Diamond Dog negotiations. Luna and I spent six months discussing appropriate compensation for their stores of polished onyx. Dry kibbles and bits weren't good enough, but we wouldn't dare succumb to their demands of flank steak slathered in gravy.

Today, we were close to a compromise on soft, slightly microwaved mystery meat from a can. We normally serve that to rogue griffons in the dungeon, though we didn't tell them that. Their tongues were practically salivating, and we had them sold.

Then one of their messenger dogs came in and told of a pony who squealed and whined some of their dogs into handing over their entire gem stores in one of their mines.

Ruff, the pack leader, was not pleased. Barking obscenities and frothing at the mouth, he accused us of larceny, destruction of private property, and being royal arseholes as eloquently as you can imagine a raging bulldog might say.

Obviously negotiations broke down, but we managed to escape thanks to a good stick throw. Let that be a lesson for you: when entering negotiations, have a back-up plan. Or three. Luna had a ball and I had a big stick, but thankfully we didn't need them.

By the way, Luna is NOT happy she didn't get her onyx. She's venting in her room right now, chucking stones at statues in the garden. Earlier I warned her about one in particular, but she said she wouldn't aim for it. I'm happy she still knew after all this time. The last thing we need is another out-of-control problem.

Then I settled down in my room to read your report. The lesson you learned from Rarity was good. Really... really good. Just... SO good.

Now, I'm not naming names here, but her timing is oddly coincidental. Unless some other pony was captured by Diamond Dogs and pulled the exact same song and dance she did, the chances of this being the situation that messenger dog mentioned are remarkably high. Almost certain, in fact.

I'm not mad. Assuming she got the gems she did, there's probably some polished onyx among those, so I'll send a... request that she also fashion Luna's regalia. I know the Gala's coming up soon, but she'll have time.

She'll make the time. I'm sure of that, one way or another.

Anyway, enjoy your evening, Twilight. I'll join my sister in casting stones tonight. Oh, but feel free to let Rarity know of my request if she's still awake at this hour.

No, really. Please get that done for me.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Turning Over a New Barrel

My faithful student,

Is this your idea of a joke?

Diamond Dogs do not share, nor do they care. They barely even notice the fleas on their fur. Their clothes are horrid and ragged, and the pockets on them hardly suit holding anything but the largest of gems that don't fall through the holes.

And after reading your report, I am to believe that I can be great friends with them after their leader called my mother "a whorse that even a Minotaur wouldn't love."

Surely you know how huge of a stretch that is after HER little incident. I can't just apologize and offer up some of our treasury after what she did to theirs; they'll insist on all of it, and I won't have our economy crash because of one pony's ridiculously bad timing and worse self-restraint.

But... it can't hurt to try and talk, I suppose. I could have worse things to do with my time.

Like the day court proceedings. Those go phenomenally slow, with me sitting on my throne, listening to petty complaints all day.

"Clouds and rain are the worst thing in Manehatten! They ruin my good spray tan!" "I lost all my money in Las Pegasus to a rigged game! I demand a refund!" "Trixie motions to have wheels removed from all carriages! I even have a signed petition of ten thousand ponies asking for its removal!"

That last one was special. I checked the petition, and it had her name signed on it ten thousand times. It was immaculate, almost like she did it before in school.

Unfortunately, I had to turn her down on the grounds that they can't be all her signature. Even if she thinks she's the most important mare, and therefore it's only her name that matters most. What a great argument to use in front of a princess, right?

Oh, and she also mentioned your name. Do you know her? Because I don't, even though she claimed to go to the same school as you. I can't remember for the life of me anyone like her, though.

Oh well. If she becomes your problem, I'm sure you'll know how to handle it. Who knows, she might be one of these enemies-turned-friends.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Extend my thanks to Appleback for her present. This dog whistle will come in handy.

Luna, get ready. We're going to visit the dogs again, and have a nice talk.

I know it went bad last time, but I'm certain we'll come to an agreement.

No, I have a better idea than the ball. Bring your trumpet.

A Bird in the Hoof...

My diligent student,

I'm stopping by for a visit again. More specifically, I wish see all of your friends in one place. Why, you might ask?

Simple. I'd like to spend some time with them. Given that about half of your friendship reports were pretty much lessons they learned and you forwarded onto me like the world's friendliest soliciting chain letter, the least I can do is spend some time around them. You know, really judge their genuine qualities that you seem to admire about them.

Another thing is that outside of these letters, I hardly know any of them. Except Pinkie... and Rarity... and Rainbow Dash the book slayer... and Appleknack by proxy of Granny. So it's pretty much just Fluttershy I don't know that well yet. Huh.

Anyway, I'll be bringing Philomena with me. She's in the midst of molting, and when she's like this, she tends to be... difficult. So she'll be in the cage for the entirety of the visit. Who knows, maybe Fluttershy will get a kick out of her.

Assuming she knows what a Phoenix is, and what a molting one looks like. She does know, right? There's been plenty of time for her to study up on creatures she doesn't know by now, so the odds of her not knowing this bird are slim to none.

Buuut considering she didn't know what a Parasprite was, she should just ask Pinkie about Phoenixes. Pinkie's seen and pet her a few times already; I know when she does when Philomena smells like burnt sugar.

That said, don't touch her. Pinkie's learning that the hard way to this day. One day...

Maybe I should just leave her home, just in ca--wait, no. Luna.

I'd love to trust Luna with watching her, but Luna gets bored, and when she gets bored, she messes with my things. It's only by the good graces of the gods Philomena hasn't pecked her eye out yet.

So looks like my bird's coming with. Be a dear and let your friends know I'm coming by. And in case I haven't made this clear, I'll say it again:

Don't. Touch. My. Bird.

Love,

Princess Celestia

...is Worth Two in a Burning Bush

Twilight Sparkle,

What do I need to do to clarify my warnings any further? Do I have to highlight them? Make them bigger? Fly a banner over Ponyville with those specific words on it? Tell me what it is I have to do to get it through to everypony that when I have a warning to deliver, it's actually important and saves time.

I really wish I'd just told Fluttershy about Philomena as soon as she asked. At first I thought she was just asking as a gentle formality, but then I saw that she was actually serious.

That innocent curiosity is always a sight to see, Twilight, and one I'm more than happy to reciprocate with answers, even if they're answers they should know because it's their profession and if they don't know then maybe they should learn it or consider a new career path like carpentry because something always seems to be wrecked every fifteen minutes!

...Pinkie's a bad influence. She even shows up in my dreams. Not even Luna can do that without my permission, and she's the Dream Warden!

Anyway, Mayor Mare called me on some important business, so I had to leave. I treat my correspondence with her seriously, especially since she's the one that reports to me on every single incident that happens in town, and how much stress it leaves on her. Did you know her mane was originally pink ten years ago? And her face didn't look like a prune's great grandmother?

She tries way too hard to keep Ponyville on the straight and narrow. And this incident with my pet certainly didn't help her, what with my guards patrolling around. I understand her concerns; they can be rather intimidating when they're actually doing their job.

Or... maybe it's more than that. Hm.

In any case, Philomena is back in her cage, Fluttershy learned a lesson you learned what seems like ages ago, and most importantly, nothing burned down. Not that I expected it, but that just seems like a plus in a very flammable town. Mayor Mare's really on top of her game if I never hear of any fires from her.

This is also why my castle is made of marble with easily replaceable carpet and drapes. And why my room is coated with enough flame retardant it could shrug off a breath of dragonfire. Which it did. Mister Inadequate Dragon saw to that a few days ago.

He is now Mister Stumpy.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. I'm having trouble sleeping again.

Yes, it's her. No, lucid dreaming didn't help. All that did was make her laugh even more.

Really? An alternative that doesn't have me dream at all? I'm game, so what is--that's my big stick. What are you--

Owls are Nocturnal, Baby Dragons are Not

Dear Spike,

Setting aside your lesson for a moment, I've got a small bone to pick with you.

This morning, I woke up to a familiar smell emanating from my closet. The tangy stench of dragon is a smell I can't forget, as much as I want to. It's also one I'm sure you're quite familiar with, because your eggshell is in there. Again.

Look, I'm flattered you still think of me as your mother after all this time, but there's better and less disgusting ways to express that than by leaving your birth shell in my closet. Just add an "I love you" in Twilight's friendship reports if you feel this strongly about it. I'm sure she won't mind.

I'm sending this eggshell back to you, and I insist on you keeping it with Twilight for now. She is your caretaker now, not me. I know she's probably not as thorough or thoughtful as I am, but she's trying her best in terms of that.

Because if she wasn't, you would have told me. And then she would have to answer to me, and we both know how that would go down.

But more importantly, since it's ultimately your eggshell, I want you to leave it with somepony special to your heart. Clearly Twilight isn't that, judging from your earlier rant that referred to her as a "Purple Peabrain." Therefore, whoever your secret crush is, they deserve it more than I do.

Besides, I already have the other half of your eggshell anyway. In a sealed container, locked up tight in my safe all the way across the castle, but it's there. That's how much I value it, Spike. Take that at whatever value you see fit.

Now, onto your lesson. Jealousy is indeed a nasty little thing, especially for dragons. It shares similar ties to envy, despite their opposing nature of one worrying for losing what you have to someone else, and the other for wanting what someone else has. And when one has both in spades, the result can be extremely self-destructive.

This vicious cycle has its grip firmly on dragon hearts and souls, and it is one I am glad to see you will not be a part of if this lesson is any indicator of your progress and--

Hold on. There's a green dragon right outside my balcony making a ruckus. Something about smelling the dragon that robbed some of his hoar--

...we're going to have a VERY long talk later.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Celestia, Party of Two

My dear student,

It was Gummy's birthday, wasn't it?

I know this because Pinkie gave me some singing telegram outside your tower balcony. The carved oak doors must not be thick enough, since I heard every word of it this morning. I politely told her I couldn't make it due to important princess duties.

Day court can't run itself, as much as I'd like it to. Gods know if I wasn't there, the complaint list of minor grievances would break through the roof and be the tallest tower of the castle. Taller than Luna's, even, and she asked that her tower be extra-tall. Frankly I think it's compensating for something.

Speaking of towers, mine is in the middle of repairs. Again. One dragon torching the place is fine, but a second one smacking it with its tail and lopping off a good two stories from it isn't. That's going to take a bit of time, so I'm currently residing in the tower you stayed in while you were here.

Your tower is a strange thing. Do you know that? Your top floor is as much window as it is walls lined with bookshelves, which is NOT a nice thing when Pinkie's on the prowl. There's even a ton of open space, but hardly any furnishing to occupy it. Everything except books stacked on the floor is tucked against the wall like the designer thought you'd be practicing dance moves and needed the space of an entire gymnasium.

Also, there's no secret escape routes in here. I mean, mine didn't have those either, but during this reconstruction I'm putting one in. And no, I won't tell you where it is. It wouldn't be that secret if I did, would it? And Pinkie wouldn't know eith--what's that popping noise?

Oh, it's Pinkie... on the giant window.

Look, Pinkie, I'm sorry I couldn't make it! I had an extremely busy day dealing with citizen complaints and a wrecked tower! We can talk later, okay?

Cuppa Joe's, tomorrow at nine. I promise I'll be there.

Aaand there's that smile again before she jumps off into the night. How does she even open her mouth that wide? She didn't take a razor to it, did she?

Oh, right, nearly forgot about your lesson. Ahem.

Yes, you should never assume the worst when it comes to your friends. But expecting the best from your friends all the time is hardly realistic.

Everypony has off days or bad times. Even a good friend can experience an event that kicks them down and brings them out of their "best" in an instant. Do you know what to do when that happens, Twilight?

You offer your shoulder. Whatever they do with it from then on, be it leaning, crying, punching... it will help them in some way.

Anyway, I need to get ready for tomorrow, and that means good rest. It won't be easy because your hybrid greenhouse lets in so much moonlight, but I'll make do.

Sleep well, my student.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Oh, evening Luna. What brings you here?

Well, I do have time for one game before bed. Which one did you bri--

Jenga. You brought Jenga. Just... I need a minute. Go ahead and set it up.

The Best Worst Night Ever

Twilight Sparkle,

Thank you. You and your friends managed to turn the stuffiest of Canterlot's aristocratic events into a spectacle nopony will forget, for better or worse.

First, I apologize for not having enough time to speak with you about the lessons you and your friends learned. I really did want to discuss all of those with you, and maybe clarify a few things that weren't mentioned in your friendship reports. Well... more than a few things. You know, details and such.

But, as expected, my hooves pruned over from all the hoof-kissing nobles, some of them quite literal. The turnout was also far larger than I'd anticipated; the guards informed me the noble line extended all the way out past the town border, so I was pretty much rooted into the same spot for a full two or three hours as opposed to one.

I really wish Luna was here to help expedite the line. Unfortunately, she declined on being a part of the Gala on the grounds of every noble still being spooked around her. I personally consider that expediting all the same, but it wouldn't do well for her previously awful reputation, according to her.

...a reputation that I just realized she doesn't really have because the Nightmare Moon incident in Ponyville didn't even last three hours. In fact, her reputation in Canterlot's improved significantly once she started visiting Cuppa's three times a week and chatting it up with the townsfolk, so who would even be spoo--

Ahem. So, the ballroom is a complete disaster. It's no small thing when I say that janitor Jenkins is pissed. He asked me later if the Wonderbolts did one of their tornado demonstrations indoors again. I laughed, and said, "No, but close enough."

He didn't find that funny, but then again, I didn't expect him to. Hardly laughs at anything these days... except Pinkie for some reason. I asked him how he was able to laugh at a physical anomaly of a psychotic party planner, but he just shrugged and said, "I've seen worse."

I dropped that line of questioning immediately. Sometimes it's better to not question everything, because the answer might not be worth knowing.

Frankly, this Gala could have gone far worse than a wrecked ballroom and my garden birds fearing the color yellow. Not that I wanted more than that. This small, concentrated amount of chaos actually provided me an opportunity to remind everypony in an announcement today that if you're coming to the Gala for a civilized high-class event, you better be prepared for cake to fly in the face of that notion. Everypony always dressed it up as a function of incredible regard when they conveniently forgot that I deal with their messes on a daily basis. More messes being made hardly affects par for the course here.

So again I thank you and your party-hard friends for showing these nobles that a good time can involve things getting a bit messy, and that I don't mind it so long as it's a stain I can clean with a bit of soap and scrubbing.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Why, hello Luna. What a perfect time for you to come.

Oh, I'm perfectly fine. We just need to have a small talk about your deferred duties and--

HEY! Let go of her cage! No, really. Holding Philomena hostage is a bad idea and--Luna, don't you throw my bird. Don't you DARE--

...she threw my bird. She threw my bird!

LUNA, you can't hide from your duties forever! Life isn't all fun and games, and you WILL start hosting evening court, young lady!

Bonus: A Short Apology for a Small Problem

Dear Flintspark,

I extend my greatest apologies on behalf of my student's actions on Sunflare's hallowed mating grounds. It was not, nor was it ever, my student's intent to embarrass you in front of your mate. And everyone else.

You see, earlier this morning she had asked an innocuous question about Spike and where baby dragons come from. I had attempted an explanation at the time, but my demonstration using various food items including a hay weenie, a doughnut, and a chicken egg somehow wasn't clear enough for her. Birds and bees during breakfast failed, so I tried something else: books.

Unfortunately, our library didn't carry any textbooks on dragons either. Turns out the researchers I had sent to the mating grounds for the express task of making such a book failed in their expedition. Your leader Sunflare told me they ended up in ridiculous compromising positions close to the dragons and were crushed, burned, or both, instead of observing from a safe distance like she warned them to. This is something I was certain my student would respect both in terms of the sanctity of the grounds and the intimacy of the matter as a whole of not getting in there for a close inspection upon our visit.

I was so very, very wrong, and greatly underestimated her inquisitive nature and dogged determination to search for answers, no matter the cost. It was foolish of me to not keep an eye on her the entire time despite my warning to keep close to me and Sunflare's warning to stay away--she's hard at following instructions, you see--or else I'd have known she would take the ruler out of her hair and measure your unmentionables on the spot.

Further, I sincerely apologize for Twilight pointing out the disproportionate size discrepancy--with a further comparison to a carrot from her lunch saddlebag--and for the ensuing roar of laughter that had come from every nearby dragon in the vicinity, including Sunflare. And my laughter. I really, really apologize for my laughter being the loudest.

I insist she did such a comparison for educational purposes only, and that what she drew in her sketchbook is a gross misinterpretation of the source material. It's a stick figure of a dragon with a nub I think is supposed to be an outie. It's quite misleading, and I apologize for this crude construction which will definitely not be used in any sort of textbook following this visit. Not in the slightest.

We'll be taking our leave as soon as Twilight studies other dragons from a good, long distance away. She'll clearly be able to see what she needs to that far away as opposed to her close-up with you. So I apologize once more for her ill-conceived measurements and you becoming the laughingstock of the grounds, so please do not burn my castle down in a bout of rage over this miniscule issue.

You will regret it.

Sincerely and apologetically,

Princess Celestia

Return Postage on Harmony, Part 1

My faithful student,

I need you and your friends to come to Canterlot. NOW.

You know that statue I mentioned earlier, the one Luna and I specifically avoided hitting with stones? Well, Luna kinda sorta had an awful experience for her first night court. Ten drunks in a row, every one of them slurring in speech. Four left their mark on the carpet before passing out, and now the room reeks of rotten apples, bile, and urine.

Dissatisfied her first night court tended to nothing but boorish drunkards, Luna cast stones out from her balcony at the statues again. The warning must have slipped her mind, for she confided to me that one such stone beaned the forbidden statue in the back of the head.

Luckily, the statue hadn't broken. Talk about a break that didn't break anything, and as long as nothing happened near it that was chaotic in any way, it would stay normal.

And then the field trip from Ponyville came in the following morning. This spelt immediate disaster on all fronts, and one that Luna and I hoped to contain as soon as we found out the statue was missing after a fight had broken out near it.

Assuming the cotton candy chocolate clouds are already out at Ponyville, we clearly failed. One's hanging over my head right now, staining my mane into the color palette of a fruit salad that sat in a dumpster for a week. Philomena is now this terrifying black monkey-bird hybrid that's been screaming "BANANA" at the top of her lungs for the past twenty minutes and--I DON'T HAVE ANY BANANAS! Take this peach turnover and just stay quiet for five minutes! FIVE!

...this is just a taste of the creature that was just released, Twilight, and the only way to stop him is with the Elements of Harmony. My sister and I would love to use them, but thanks to their transformation into obnoxious jewelry that only fits on smaller ponies, we can't wear them. If push comes to shove, we'd have to dangle them off our horns in order to don them, and knowing this creature, he'd ask us what carnival we came from before trying to score more rings on us.

So make haste for Canterlot, Twilight. I will explain in further detail how I'm a prissy pissant princess with the charming appearance of burnt toast and the vernacular of a dictionary in a blender--

DISCOOORD!

Love,

Princess Malaria

Return Postage on Harmony, Part 2

Twilight Sparkle,

Once more, I thank you and your friends for saving Equestria from Discord. That frankenstein madman received his comeuppance for messing with my ponies, and thanks to the wonderful power of friendship, he slumbers once more in stone. And thank the gods for that.

He's being relocated back to the gardens, more specifically in the restored hedge maze. Why he wasn't placed there sooner to decrease the chances of this event happening in the first place is a question I'll be asking the designers shortly, because this was a major oversight for all of us, myself included.

That's right. I, Princess Celestia, accept partial blame for having a sealed chaos spirit statue placed within the vicinity of the most chaotic creatures in the world besides him: children. Luna also accepts blame for cracking the back of his head prior to his release.

Speaking of Luna, during the incident, Discord got to her. No wild Nightmare Moon appeared, thankfully, but something far worse stood in her place.

She walked into my room wearing a classy business suit, half-rimmed reading glasses, and her once-flowing mane was replaced with a beehive. Gone was her goofy, playful expression and cheerful gait, replaced with a steely stare, firmly planted hooves, and a clipboard hovering in her aura. Serious Luna had arrived.

And I hated it. I would rather deal with Luna's dodginess of tasks than Serious Luna's strict adherence to them. Thanks to her, day court managed to become boring in a way I never thought was possible before now. I couldn't even make any witty remarks or thinly veiled sarcasm. This boredom also applied to responding to foreign dignitaries, bathroom breaks, and even lunchtime became as formal as the Gala before you and your friends changed that.

Granted, her actions freed up my whole week. She's definitely onto something with this, but I still prefer my sister instead of a mare machine with my sister's appearance.

I suspected Discord did something similar to you and your friends. He's never direct with who he considers a real threat, and that's what makes him dangerous. Considering he knew of the Elements and moved them elsewhere, he must have figured out how to nullify the elements through your friends, and through them, you.

So how could I possibly remind you of how great friendship is to refocus you on your goals? With your own letters, of course. Because let's be honest, if I wrote you a letter trying to convince you of doing something you didn't want to do, it would fail on principle. The best thing I could do was simply return your letters in the hope that you wouldn't possibly ignore your own words.

Extend my apologies to Spike, by the way. I didn't know how many letters it would take to get through your thick skull and snap you out of Discord's trickery, so I sent them all. Send them back at your leisure, just not today. Spike needs a breather, and maybe some antacids.

No need for a friendship lesson today; the mere fact you put another great evil to rest is more than satisfactory.

I look forward to your next lesson, however. It should be one that won't disappoint me.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Oh, Luna. I'm so happy you're back to normal.

Don't worry, nothing happened. You didn't do anything to mess with me. You were just a bit more... serious than usual.

Okay, you reamed me for using the wrong fork for my salad at lunchtime, but it's not a big deal!

Luna, don't cry, okay? It only happened once. I'll make sure it never happens again.

Eclipsing Lunacy

Twilight Sparkle,

Please tell me this report is an elaborate joke that claims that my sister had trouble making friends because of her intimidation and appearance. You're even telling me that only now did the town of Ponyville learn not to be intimidated by outward appearances and extend friendship.

Twilight, you already learned this after the debacle involving Zecora, who couldn't make friends thanks to Pinkie's smear campaign and blatant fear mongering. "Don't judge a book by its cover," remember? And my sister mentioned the exact same thing happening to her, again coming from that pink demon. Pinkie might have called it a joke, but I know her far better than that. And after tonight, so does Luna. Do not trust Pinkie.

Ahem. Luna's visit to Ponyville went about as well as I expected. While she's familiar with most of the ponies in Canterlot right now, Ponyville is another society entirely. Most of the nobles here didn't mind her booming voice all that much; they've heard mine enough to be conditioned to that, which let her integrate rather easily.

But an unannounced visit on Nightmare Night of all nights? I warned her that would be horrendous timing to try and introduce herself to Ponyville or any other town, but I was shot down. "It's our holiday, sister! Why shouldn't we be allowed to celebrate it?"

She had a point, but I still had my concerns, and when she came back sorrowful and having learned a lesson you learned ages ago, those concerns were confirmed.

I know I told you that you only needed to send friendship reports if you learned something, but I didn't expect a need to clarify that what you learned should be something NEW, and especially not if it's a lesson my sister learned. Why? Because she came home and told me directly. I wouldn't have minded a letter from her either since she was out of town.

Perhaps it was a bad idea to have me send those letters back when you still demonstrate your memory's as forgetful as janitor Jenkins. He mistook a closet as Luna's bedroom again, and I even gave him a map specifically so he wouldn't get lost. He lost the map in the closet. Somehow. I can't even find it.

Please do not have his spotty memory, and please remember when you already learned something so it's not a waste of time for both of us. And if somepony else learns it, have them write it. I don't care if it's a group letter from the whole town. Stop being the middlemare; do not speak for them, and let them speak for themselves, please.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, what is it? Did the maids ruin your room again?

Look, I know you like the feel of moon dust underhoof, but that time's long since passed. I'm getting complaints from the maids that your room's difficult to breathe in.

Luna, no. The dust is seeping out of your room and into the hallway. At this rate it'll reach the guest rooms nearby, and in the greater interest of keeping this place sanitary and breathable, I insist you clean your room.

Do it. Do. It!

...you know what? You're right, I can't make you. So I'll clean it instead. And I'm VERY thorough, sister. I won't miss a spot, so if you're hiding somethi--

I thought as much, Luna. Happy cleaning.

Social Sisters Aren't Rare, You See

Dear Rarity,

First off, I wish to state that I harbor no ill will in regards to the Diamond Dog incident. It took a bit longer... well, much longer than necessary to get them to a reasonable state of affairs again. But with some hard-boiled negotiations, promises of boiled marrow bones, and the location of a gem hoard so amazingly large they couldn't possibly pass it up, relations with the Diamond Dogs have finally stabilized to a tolerable level.

Whether they survive the dragon guarding it is another issue entirely, but I warned them about it at least. Didn't seem to deter them in the slightest... or they didn't hear me. Either way, I wished them luck in their endeavors.

Now, in reading your letter, I was truly surprised at the fact that you have a younger sister like Appletack. You and your sister discussed in detail the highs and lows of having a sibling, with words and statements that ring true. It was a charming thing to read.

I'll let you in on a little secret: Luna and I aren't great sisters either. The fact that I had to put her in a thousand-year timeout shows that we can have differences difficult to reconcile.

Her response to that was making a mountain out of a molehill. Literally. I'm surprised the caves are still intact after the first night since Luna's banishment. She really brought her "A" game, and managed to scare off all those thieving moles in the process.

I forgot to thank her for that. I'll do that later, but we really should find some time to hang out. I know this great cafe that I'm sure you'd love--it's owned by the older brother of that pastry bar we all enjoyed on Gala night--and I have an inkling that our sisters would get along very well together.

We'll need to make sure they don't get into any screaming competitions, however. I'm certain you already know why.

If you have some free time in your no-doubt busy schedule, let me know and I'll see if I can make the arrangements. No need to dress fancy, either; this is a friendly outing, not an injunction for my court.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Luna, I'm serious. No scream-offs while we're there, okay? I know the town’s used to it, but let's try to be a bit more civil.

Wait, what do you mean the Dogs are mad again? I just told them about a massive treasure hoard! What more do they want from me?!

...th-their mine was raided again? Please tell me it's somepony else. Anypony else.

No. Gods, nooo. You can’t be serious. NO! She can’t possibly be that dense or desperate. She already has a net worth rivaling my snob of a nephew! Just... just why did she even--

Okay... okay. I know what I'll do. This little date is still going to be a thing. It’s just going to be different.

Vastly different.

Cuties Contract Poxes, Viral or Otherwise

Dearest Apple Bloom,

Waiting for your heart's desire is the greatest test of patience on this earth. Having been here for over a millenium, I can safely tell you that I’ve done a lot of waiting. Far too much waiting, all for things like improvement of the general populace, removal of bigots from my council, figuring out any and all exciting methods to make day court pass by in the blink of an eye without altering the fabric of space-time. You know, the little things in life.

Although I personally believe that waiting is one of the worst actions to take. Working is far better.

Waiting implies that it will come to you eventually without you actively seeking it. It’s the sort of thing one hears from a spoiled little richy rich filly: “My daddy handles everything! Why should I go out and get things done when it can just come to me?” Such an entitled declaration sickens me to my core, and it is one that defeats the very purpose of earning things in honesty when it’s hoofed to you on the silveriest of silver platters.

And so does shortcuts, as I’m told through Zecora you found out the hard way. Cutie Pox is serious business, and you should really thank Zecora again for what she did to assist you. Those Seeds of Truth are exceedingly rare, and the fact that she used some of them on you puts you quite high on her list of friends.

Higher than me, actually. She doesn’t even put the leaves in her tea blends, claiming they impart an extreme bitter taste when brewed. I call bull on that; Cuppa’s 47th failed brew was bitter enough to make bile palatable.

Anyway, working is far better a task to commit to achieve your goals. I'm certain that's something you already know given you work on an orchard that grows... oranges? Peaches? Cherries? I know it's a tree fruit, but with each one you pick and harvest, you learn the value of effort to yield rewards, and that's more that can be said if you waited for such a reward to come.

I wouldn't be surprised if you earned a Hidden Mark at this point, but don't go looking for that.

Give my regards to Granny Smith, and let her know I'll be free this Sunday. Please tell her I'll meet her at "Bull's Horn."

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Luna, since when could you hold your own liquor?

...okay, I'm not even going to ask how you fermented alcohol, but seriously? Moonshine? Should I invent a liquor and call it Sun Beam?

Anyway, if you insist on tagging along, I'll send another letter asking that Little Mac come as well. It's been quite a while since I've seen him, so I'm not sure if that name's accurate.

Hopefully we'll find out, sister.

Mare-Do-Well at Large

Rainbow Dash,

You were doing so well, and then you fell in line with the rest of the letters. For a moment, I believed I was finally talking to a pony that isn't an aging mare, my sister, or a zebra; a pony that was past the point of object permanence, and one I could have a conversation with without having to refocus the topic every two minutes.

The moment, much like my expectations that day court would have such a pony visit at least once, was as fleeting as you.

Mayor Mare just about flipped her lid in the report she sent me. New buildings under construction topping over, a dam breaking down on the same day, and a runaway wagon careening toward a cliff?! "Madness concentrated in a single day!" she said.

I personally think that's a standard day over there, but she's lucky some hotshot hero named Mare-Do-Well managed to save the day in every situation without uttering a single word. Whoever it was, I like her just for mincing unnecessary chatter.

Anyway, I presume from this lesson of yours that this hero stole your thunder, and you went off spending too much time talking and not enough rescuing.

Take it from me when I say that talking for too long wears away the greatest of mental barricades and limits of patience. If you've spent any time around Pinkie, that lesson should have registered by now. But given the permanence of these lessons "learned" so far, I won't be surprised if this is forgotten in two weeks.

Regardless, you learned not to be as much of a braggart, and to focus in on doing the action instead of talking about it. Do not be your own bard, for if your actions are great enough, you should not have to gloat about them and let them speak for themselves.

Oh, and before I forget, extend my thanks to Fluttershy for finding that crow for Luna. My faith in her occupation is officially restored. For now.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Luna, that is a lovely bird. You plan on taking him to night court?

Shadebeak is rather... intimidating, yes. Just don't have him carry anypony out the window or anything.

Threaten to, yes, but make sure if it happens, they get taken out the front door. Jenkins won't mind the extra fear piss. He's immune to the smell of ammonia at this point.

Don't Trash My Elite Suite, Part 1

My faithful student,

Thank you for letting me know that Rarity is stopping by Canterlot soon. I'm disappointed to hear her younger sister isn't coming--Luna moreso because she'd planned a fabulous outing for her--but perhaps that's best saved for another time.

I'll take some time out of my today to have a little chat with her about recent events. In case you're not aware, she stole from the Diamond Dogs again. I didn't know why she did it the first time, but now I do. She's been generously giving the gems to Sapphire Shores, and while I'm sure Miss Shores appreciates the sentiments, the Dogs certainly don't.

Sapphire Shores is a name I'm aware of. Who doesn't know of the singer with class and sass in the same way teenage mares don't know about Boston Beaver?

A lot of ponies, actually. Rural towns like Ponyville outnumber the bustling cities of Manehatten and Las Pegasus, so perhaps it's not too surprising that hardly anypony knows of those singers.

On a curious note, Mayor Mare tells me the town has songs sung in it so often it's a wonder some record label hasn't compiled an album of it yet. I'm not surprised at this; somepony usually sings a song once a month here in Canterlot, but instead of talking about moments of happiness at work or general entertainment, I hear about pinched pennies at a taffy store to save for priceless jewels galore. You know, snobby rich pony problems.

"Do I buy this necklace, or save up for a yacht? Oh, who cares! In a week, that choice matters not!"

...you can probably see why these songs aren't a hit here to ponies like Cuppa and Pony Joe. And myself. Seriously, songs about how great it is to be rich?

I mean, yes, I live in a spacious castle with more room than I could possibly occupy even if I ate all the cake in Equestria, but I'm not bragging about it! Do you know how much the maids get paid just to make sure this place isn't as dusty as Dusty's Archives? If I don't, the day I mandate filter masks to traverse my halls is the day I fail as a princess with basic standards of living.

Ahem. Let Rarity know that a tower suite will be prepped for her soon, and I'll look forward to seeing her when she arrives.

Love,

Princess Celestia

What? Luna, no, it's not MY tower we're cleaning. It's the guest tower.

No, I'm certain my tower does NOT need cleaning. Thanks for offering, but it's fine. Really.

Am I hiding anything? Hmph. Ridiculous. Root around if you wish, but you won't find anythi--

Okay, I really should have picked a better hiding spot for those. Now, if you'll just give those cupcakes to me, I'll give you one and we can forget this even--

LUNA, get back here this instant with my cheat day cupcakes!

Don't Trash My Elite Suite, Part 3

Dear Rarity,

Again, you and your friends have woken up another section of nobles to the reality that is this world. Except for Fancy Pants, obviously, but he's the one miraculous exception that's somehow not a prick.

The party was quite a blast overall. I even managed to pull you aside so we could have a nice talk about your reverse Robin Hoof being a complete waste of generosity on a pony as popular as Sapphire Shores. In addition, I also relayed the message the Diamond Dogs wanted me to give you, along with my own personal suggestion on how to curry their favor.

I'll be honest, I wasn't a fan of their suggestion that you work in their caves for a "million bajillion years." Beyond the fact that they're awful at counting, I know those years would be filled with more whining and just be the worst decision on their part. And then you'd probably leave with more of their gems and we'd still be stuck at square one.

Instead, I talked them down to something a bit less insane. I insist you simply give them back whatever gems you still have from their grounds, and WITHOUT COMPLAINING, assist them in finding enough in their caves to make up the remainder so they're back to being functional. Surely you can handle some paltry dirt on your hooves; you take mud baths without any objections.

I've also decided to give them more of the mystery meat cans to make up for all the lost time over the matter, which they heartily accepted without question. Really makes me wonder where on earth they got the idea to try and haggle me for filet mignon, but that's in the past now.

Just think about my idea this week, let me know by the end of the month if you'll do it, and I'll have earmuffs shipped to the Dogs when you're ready. But don't take longer than that.

I mean it. Don't.

Now then, your personal lesson learned on this matter in Canterlot is a curious one to think about. Being proud of your hometown heritage and friends is... situational.

I know you weren't born into a hard lifestyle, Rarity, but understand that there will be some that would rather forget their beginnings. Such times may be painful for many with a rough childhood, and for them, there is no pride to pull from that.

To better word this, recognize your beginnings and know they made you who you are. If they're good, be fortunate they were, but if not, work to make your life not stay that way. And always remember that true friendship is blind to things like background and color.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Alright Luna, I'm ready for you now. These cupcakes haven't left my sight on my desk, and I even licked both of them so you can't touch them! What's your plan this time?!

Y... you made more? A whole dozen?

Ooh, that tray smells heavenly. And you're sure they're for me?

Thanks. Really, thank you, Luna.

Author's Note

I wish to formally state that this will be the last time the Diamond Dog incidents will be mentioned. I've been kicking this hornet nest for far too long, and if for some reason there are still folk out there that don't understand Tia's anger at Rarity, this blog post should clear up any remaining doubts on the matter.

Otherwise, daily updates for letters should be on track without any notable delays. If something comes up, I'll let you good folk know in another one of those blog things.

Your Excess is Not a Secret

Dear Spike,

First off, happy birthday. I would send you one of your favorite emeralds, but I'm fairly certain gems are probably the last thing on your mind at the moment. I'll save it for another time, then.

But onto the important business. I'm somewhat surprised you wrote this letter while omitting the fact that you bloated to a full-size dragon before you learned your lesson. Granted, maybe you didn't need to mention it because you knew how huge you grew, and that I had a clear view of Ponyville from my balcony. A distant view, yes, but not so distant that I can't tell when a giant purple mass just appears out of nowhere and starts destroying the town, so perhaps that didn't need reiteration.

You know, I really did fear the worst. I feared you'd given into the miserly, greedy ways of the other dragons, and I was fully prepared to send a cavalry to get you out of Ponyville before you would cause any further damage. Assistant to my student or not, you could have easily endangered many lives today, and you know that.

Which is why I'm extremely thankful that you managed to stop yourself before things got out of control. Really, I can't be any more impressed that you were able to control your urges when most dragons can't at all; that fact alone is outstanding, if not worth celebrating on its own merits. Truly, your progress in learning the merits of friendship rivals Twilight's at this point.

Mayor Mare is also happy to report that no casualties came about amid your rampage, although the building damages are more than enough for her to request financial aid of me. I'm fine with that; I usually get one once a month from her anyway. Twice this month isn't a big deal, and it's certainly not her most expensive call for aid. That would be the night I took her bar hopping with Granny.

None of us remember what happened that night, but it slapped me with roughly 100,000 bits in payment for damages, room service, and rental of a circus monkey.

It must have been awesome.

Anyway, you learned a great friendship lesson, a practical lesson in controlling your tempting urges, and most importantly, the town isn't a pile of ash. I look forward to your next letter, Spike.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Oh, hello Luna. How did your first night court go with Shadebeak?

Seriously? They got right to the point and didn't waste a second of time talking about pointless garbage? You are SO lucky your bird is intimidating. All I get are cute comments and some "smart" ponies dangling marshmallows near mine.

Hey hey, it's different when I do that. I at least share mine with her. Don't act like you haven't shared sweets with yours.

...you haven't? Sister, you are missing out on some major immortal bonding time. Come to the kitchen with me; we're going to make some moon cookies!

Warm Up Your Hearth

My faithful student,

I request of you and your friends a small favor. Well, not small; a big favor. I'd like you to come to Canterlot to perform the Hearth's Warming Eve play.

Apparently, the actors I'd originally hired for the show had a falling out last night, and absolutely refuse to perform together now. It involved some petty feud over who got to be Clover the Clever.

This is outstandingly remarkable considering the Earth ponies and Pegasi wanted to play as her despite Clover being a Unicorn. Somehow that didn't deter them as they brought horn props just for that; at this point, I don't doubt they brought fake wings in case they fought over Commander Hurricane. That'd be some First Class gumption right there.

But considering they couldn't come to a satisfying conclusion on that, I surmised that none of them were clever enough to be her if they couldn't reach a compromise. In fact, I told them as much. Really should have taken a photo of their faces.

Thankfully the Windigos I hired are still raring to go. Yes, the frigid demons of the Clamber Mountain range. Don’t worry about a thing regarding their cold spell. I told them to go easy on the icing this year; last year pony popsicles almost became a reality, and I don’t want a repeat performance of Chattering Teeth: The Musical. But otherwise, I'm now six or seven actors short--the narrator's on the fence as of this letter--so bring Spike just in case they bail too.

And remember: this is the biggest holiday play in all of Equestria. You'll be performing in front of a large crowd of influential ponies from many towns across this land and for foreigners beyond the borders, in addition to the... ugh, nobles from my own city. No pressure or anything, but please please please don't mess this up. Unlike the smarmy noble parties, this is something I don’t want going awry because of the foreign dignitaries.

I place my faith in you and your friends, Twilight. This play is now in your hooves.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Yes, Luna, you’re coming as well. Ah ah, no buts. It won’t kill you to watch a play for thirty minutes.

What? No, are you nuts? You know how expensive the concessions are outside! They’d charge a foreleg if they could!

...okay, we’ll get SOME treats there, but promise me you won’t throw popcorn at them if they turn out to be awful. Or rocks. Especially rocks.

Friend Appreciation Day

Author's Note

What the--no letters written to the Princess for this one? Not even any invitations either? Well, shoot. What am I to do?

Well, I suppose I can just do... something like this. Hope you good folk don't mind.

Friend Appreciation Day

Dear Granny Smith,

It's that time of the year again, isn't it? I can feel it. The Zap Apples are here, and that means it's time for our yearly gathering.

Ooh, those things are sinfully delicious, moreso when you make them into that tasteful jam. But you and I both know about the other product you make from those. Ah, that tangy Zap Apple Cider's going to be exquisite; I'm going to look forward to that tonight.

I'll bring some aged Merlon Merlot from my private wine cellar. Mayor Mare should bring some of that spicy liquor of hers... what was it called... Flagon's Start? Maggot's Fart? Whatever the name, that's always a good way we end the night.

Except the night we camped out in the Shadewoods last year. That was... well, those woods don't exist anymore, do they? It's a field now, I think. There's still one tree at the top of a hill, but that hardly counts as woods. Shadewood, probably, but that's it.

We'll meet there, and when we drink that last liquor, we’ll keep our distance from that tree.

I'll see you tonight, Granny.

Your Friend Forever,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Luna's hovering over my shoulder right now and wants to come. You might want to mentally prepare yourself for her Moonshine.

I mean it.

~~~

Dear Mayor Mare,

Thanks for your report today in letting me know that no incidents occurred in Ponyville. It's the best news I've heard this week. Yes, no news is good news to me.

In regards to your footnote question on what to bring, go ahead and get that spicy liquor you brought last time. Yes, I know we burnt down those woods with it on accident, but at least nothing lived there. Well, nothing larger than a timberwolf, at least. I hope they're not sour over losing that territory of theirs.

Anyway, there's one tree left; I checked earlier this afternoon, and it's standing proud and tall in the sunlight. We won't burn this one down; we'll drink your liquor far away from it. I'd like that tree to still be preserved.

You know where the woods used to be. I'll head out there as soon as Luna raises the moon. Speaking of my sister, she's coming along as well.

"If you haven't tasted true fear yet, you will for ten minutes." That's the warning Luna gave me for her Moonshine. If you can ride that out, awesome. If not, I've packed smelling salts in case you fall asleep. You don't want to be sleeping after drinking it.

Be prepared if you're going to drink it, Mayor. That stuff doesn't joke around.

Your Friend Forever,

Princess Celestia

Oh, I'm fine, Luna. Just trying to purge that horrid nightmare I had when I tried your Moonshine the first time.

Yes, the one with a thousand Pinkies on parade. And the horns! So many horns.

No no, I don't need your sleep therapy solution. It's not a cure-all, and I have salts ready anyway. Trust me, I’m ready for round two.

Cake is Not a Baby Staple Food

Pinkamena Demon Pie,

A round of congratulations are in order. First, extend it to Mr. and Mrs. Cake for producing two children. Extend it again toward Mrs. Cake for her incredible tolerance for every "bun in the oven" joke she's no doubt heard throughout her pregnancy. You and I both know she's heard that too often.

Second, congratulations on learning the same lesson Fluttershy learned a while ago, only with more mature wording. This is shocking given your predisposed tendency to make everyone around you slightly nuttier within a twenty yard radius, and that includes babies. Given how much you know, I'm more shocked there was anything for you to even learn at all, because you have more people skills than anypony in town.

Third, congratulations on Pinkism finally taking some roots here in Canterlot. One of your devout believers came by with pink pamphlets detailing the wonders and enjoyments of living under an almighty watchful eye that, curiously, was yours. I'm looking at it right now, and it's really creepy. Do you know that? This thing will spook ponies, and probably a cockatrice.

I-I think it just moved. It followed me for a second. That's... this is going in the trash. Thanks, but no thanks. Pinkie Promises are as far as I'll go with you, but this is too much.

Anyway, I think I'll just close this letter before--

O-Oh! Hi Pinkie! You... you're in my trash bin. That's new. Super creepy, but new.

No, I didn't scare your follower. What are you talking about?

Oh please, it could have been any larger-than-average white horse with a flowing colorful mane. There's maybe three or four others with that physical description I've seen today on my way to Cuppa's!

Okay, I'll give you that Alicorn is really specific, but we have plenty of actors here in Canterlot, and they have replica horns and wings! It could be one of them!

I expect you to believe what you will. But I Pinkie Promise that I did not spook your follower out of town.

Good, glad that's settled. Wait WAIT, you forgot--

Oh well, you'll get this letter anyway.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Oh, there you are Lu--you spilled the flour again, didn't you? Don't lie. You're covered head to hoof in... the... stuff...

Sister, you didn't happen to spook anypony in town today, did you? Perhaps a pony waving around... pamphlets?

Luna, lock your doors tonight. LOCK. THEM. ALL.

Round Up From Last

Dear Applequack,

Of all the ponies I expected to uphold their greatest value that Twilight had seen, I would never have predicted that you would lie outside of a Discord intervention, especially over something as petty as pride and money.

Look, I know your family has a habit of making mountains out of molehills. Apple Bloom had made that quite clear in the letters she had sent me about her lessons learned, and Granny's always worried that she takes advantage of my generosity too often.

I reminded her that Mayor Mare asks me for funds all the time, and I almost never turn her down because those are usually for town emergencies. Even a personal emergency like a lack of hair dye to keep her hair shimmering silver was of no consequence; what's a bag of bits between good friends that are good on their word?

Which circles back to you, Appleknack. I understand you promised you'd bring money back after your little venture. I even admire your determination in seeing to it that the money would come, even going so far as to have a backup plan to bring bits home.

But what I don't admire is the way you went about this by lying instead of openly admitting your faults to your family, one so understanding of faults within their members it rivals even Fluttershy.

If this feels like reiteration, that's because this is, and it's really important. Family will always be there for you, even if they may not be understanding of all your decisions. The only fault is if a family carries too much pride within themselves--much like the nobles here where a name matters more than anything--but that is not your family.

The sooner you learn this, the better.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Tell Granny I can't go bar hopping this week. The nobles got antsy over me declaring Canterlot benefit parties illegal after I found out the benefactors weren't charities, but themselves. Just tell her I'm dealing with rich pony problems again; that should be more than enough.

Evening, Luna... what's wrong?

Oh, Luna. Don't mind the nobles. They always get riled up when I spot some dumb thing they do that makes no sense and just exists to piss off poor ponies even more. What should their words matter to me--

"Bit breaking, cake cramming, date damning, fanny flogging, joy jamming, party pooping waste of a crown and a title?" Please, that's kindergarten insults. It's not like they insulted our mother--

...Luna, get your horn.

No Weeping Over Reading, Rainbow

Rainbow Dash,

In my limited experience with you, there's one thing I thought I pegged about you: you seemed willing to try anything, or at least do anything, especially on a dare. You always sought ways to challenge yourself, be it an extreme via physical restraint or time constraint. You looked for difficulty in places no one else would, and pushing yourself beyond your limits seemed standard fare assuming the rainbooms I've been hearing, seeing, and clinging onto my nailed-to-the-floor chair for dear life to keep myself upright were any clear indicators.

Which makes this lesson you learned all the more... baffling. Of all the things you could have refused, of all the challenges turned down... reading, Rainbow? Really?

I get it, reading can be boring or just plain infuriating sometimes. I could tell you of the countless words written I've seen over my rule and how incredibly soul-sucking they are when they amount to some ridiculous notion of a "poor tax" or a "fast lane for elite members" in the biggest stack of fecal bricks that I call "the dumb law pile." Really, it's like these folk are just trying their hardest to be king of the hill, and they forget who's sitting at the top shaking their head in disgust.

But reading is mandatory for your job. How did you function as a head of the local weather team? I know for a fact scheduled weather reports are faxed to the Mayor, so is that the only piece of literature you read besides textbooks in school?

If so, I feel terrible for you. Being exposed to nothing but, as you might put it, "boring egghead books" would certainly skew your opinion on them as a whole. But I am quite pleased you discovered that not all books need be educational, and that many can be read for pure enjoyment.

If my student hasn't already suggested it, I'd say the Daring Do series is right up your alley. I'm currently on "Daring Do and the Tower of Power," and let me just say that she knows how to kick some serious flank in this one, even with a bandaged eye. She even got a chokehold on one and--oh dear, I'm spoiling the fun. You'll get to that one eventually.

Anyway, enjoy the wonderful world of books, Rainbow. But before I close this out, a word of advice: steer clear of the stuffy romance novels. Those authors will ship anything these days.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Ah, there you are, Luna. Care to join me for a story?

The Daring Do series. It came out a few years ago so... well, it's really enjoyable. Want to listen?

Well, get on the bed then! I'll just start from the beginning.

Broken Hearts and Hooves

Mayor Mare,

I need to confirm something. According to your report, an entire house was pulled clean off its foundation, a massive hole was found dug out near a road with a mattress in it, and a pile of destroyed furniture sat nearby with a paper sign saying "free junk" on top of all of it.

This sounds like a divorce gone bad with a jilted spouse taking "'Til death do us part" way too seriously. Either that, or it's Hearts and Hooves Day. Probably both.

Gods, this holiday. I swear it just exists to make singles feel awful about themselves by celebrating couples and their mushy habits of loving each other. Are anniversaries and birthdays not enough? Do Father's and Mother's Day not show enough appreciation? Do we truly need a day dedicated to love when love shouldn't be forced onto us this way?

I digress. Day court today saw fit to grace me with some bold stallions and mares asking me for advice on how to woo the special somepony of their heart's desires, and even going so far as to ask me if I could set up their dates.

Mayor, I haven't even been approached for a date in over eight hundred years. Everypony's too scared or intimidated to ask, thinking I'm out of their league, I'm too good for them... that sort of thing. Even our bar trips have ponies keeping their distance from us, although to be fair, they have good reason to keep that distance. Granny's a mean snapping turtle when she gets mad.

So what even gave them the idea that my dating advice is relevant for their generation? The dating advice I do have hails from a time when soap was considered optional! "Uh, make sure to clean under your tail and between your hind legs," was the most timely thing I could possibly think of, however blatantly obvious that sounds.

They took that advice to heart.

As for me setting up their dates, I declined. If they don't have the spine to ask themselves, they won't have it later when it matters. I shouldn't have to play matchmaker for them, but I did recommend a location that's not too posh or too seedy. A respectable location, with a small park just across the street, and a donut shop around the corner if they wanted a sweet treat for later.

Cuppa will enjoy today. I know it.

Anyway, enclosed with this letter should be enough to cover Ponyville's damages this week. Keep me posted if anything creeps out of the Everfree, and I'll keep in touch next week.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Tell Granny we're set for visiting Peachy's Parlor over in Reinsford later this month. Both of you bring a peach; trust me, it's for good reason.

Author's Note

Greetings, dear readers and other good folk!

For those interested, the bar story I mentioned before passed moderation, which you can find right here if you're up for an extra dose of crazy.

Otherwise, thanks for reading, and have an awesome day.

Pinkie Always Needs Friends

Dear Pinkie,

Look, I know you're starved for cult members, and you're probably still sour over the expansion to Canterlot falling out.

Another one of your... more dedicated members visited to preach, and I have to ask something: what is up with their smile? When they smile, it's wide. Unnaturally wide. I think their jaw unhinged, and I'm pretty sure I saw a second row of teeth. That is CREEPY, Pinkie.

That didn't sell anyone on your religion, obviously, and they left without incident a few hours later. I guess you should be satisfied that at least everypony in Ponyville is part of your little religious zeal by now.

But if I read this letter correctly, coupled with the Mayor informing me of a new citizen that moved in recently, then your friendship report pretty much told me that this new face was a hard sell to convert to your Pinkist cult. Even after you managed to get through to them, they still sound like they prefer a restraining order on you, however useless that piece of paper is.

You know mine's on my tower, right? It's just to the side of the balcony entrance in plain view; I know you see it. I know it says it's okay for you to visit once a month, but you're visiting me once a week. And no, scratching out "month" on the order and adding "week" in blue ink surrounded with sparkly glitter doesn't change that fact.

Anyway, in terms of your lesson learned, it's still valid. Not everypony you meet will be bubbly and cheerful, and they might prefer peace and quiet for weeks or months at a time like I do. Dogged persistence as prevalent as yours can certainly foster friendship, but you must also recognize when such a pursuit is too heavy-hoofed. Push too far, and you'll just push away.

Friendship is a fine balance between showing enough care and interest to let them know of it, but never so much as to be annoying, coddling, or condescending. It's a balance I thought I had for Luna long ago; that was a careless mistake of a careless mind, and it's one I will NOT repeat. Take care that you mind yours, or else you'll find that pushing away is all you're capable of.

That said, I also formally request that you stop harassing Mayor Mare over the lack of funds for a cathedral, and by extension, harassing me for funding of said cathedral. The treasury's bits only go towards demanding financial and official crises, not religious. If you want it built, you'll need to raise the money yourself. Ask for donations, have a bake sale organized, do something besides racketeer me for money!

Please.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Lu-oof!

Luna?! Hold on, let me get some tissues.

Here. Blow your nose, wipe those tears, take a deep breath.

She came for you, didn’t she? It’s okay, it’s okay; she came for me too, sister.

Of course you can stay here tonight. Just don’t kick off the covers.

Celestia Puts Her Hoof Down

Dear Fluttershy,

"Unpleasant and mean" is a gross understatement of your demeanor today. I never expected Mayor to forward a public disturbance report with your name on it, but it's here, written clearly in black ink. I'm still stunned it's here on my desk.

Do you know how harsh you were? You were mean enough for Pinkie to visit me for consolation this afternoon. Yes, Pinkie. Look, zealous leader of a smile cult or not, insulting her intelligence and her career as party planner is amazingly low. And from what she squeaked out amid her sobbing about Rarity, she clearly got some flak from you as well.

I could hardly imagine such blatant cruelty outside of Discord's return, and we both know that you weren't yourself then. It isn't you now, and never was, so if you're still beating yourself up or bound to a chair or something, stop. Straighten yourself up; you are not wholly responsible for your actions today, for someone else prompted you to act that way.

Although neither your letter nor Mayor's report mentioned who or what caused this, I know what happened. You visited an assertiveness workshop held by a blue minotaur with dominance issues, right? He was in Canterlot yesterday trying out his tactics on the nobles; the nobles, in turn, tried said tactics on me today in day court.

Fluttershy, just because someone says something loud enough and in your face long enough doesn't make what they're saying any more truthful. Being assertive isn't the same as being a jerk. The nobles didn't quite learn that after his workshop, but once they met my big stick in day court, they changed their minds. Fast.

I'm happy you came to this realization on your own, however. Really happy, because Brutus the Branch was on a warpath, and it didn't mind smacking some sense in another town. You saved me a trip, and for that I thank you.

You've obviously corrected your relations with your friends today, and you should be quite thankful they were so forgiving. But should you relapse, and Pinkie comes to me again in tears...

We're going to have a good, long talk. Brutus will be waiting.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. Can I ask you something?

You didn't happen to take anything from my room, did you? Something red and round, about the size of my hoof, resistant to squeezing.

What? You threw it at Discord and lost it?! Great. Just great. Now what am I supposed to use?

Luna, what are you--

...okay, a hug is better than a stress ball.

It's Not Time I'm Worried About

Warden Pyre Fly,

You own the worst guard dog in the history of guard dogs. Maybe even the worst dog, period.

In case my student hasn't made it clear to you, your three-headed mongrel found himself in Ponyville today. I don't know what your handlers do in their spare time, but it clearly isn't learning how to track a dog the size of a stagecoach, or doing anything to get him back. How you managed to hire those two ponies as competent dog handlers when they can barely control their bladders in Tartarus is beyond my comprehension.

They're clearly not taking care of him either, according to Mayor's report. Other eyewitnesses at the time pointed out how irritated he appeared, and were it not for Fluttershy's intervention, he would have bitten somepony. You're lucky he succumbed to her belly rubs, or else I would be forwarding lawsuits to you right now.

I know you have a ton on your plate, but mistreatment of an intimidating animal sitting between Equestria and the demons of Tartarus should be more than a passing thought. It should be one of your top priorities, and the fact that it isn't has me wondering what exactly you ARE prioritizing, Warden.

Actually, I don't have to wonder. Permission to refurbish your bathroom to the standard of the Bits Hotel is denied. You have more pressing matters to attend to besides wiping your own arse, like saving it right now.

Treat Cerberus with the care and respect he deserves, and keep him on a tight leash. He's one of the few reasons the prisoners stay in Tartarus for good reason. Do not neglect that reason, or else we'll have hell to pay.

And if I hear anything about him escaping again, YOU will be put on a tight leash, understand? And for gods' sakes, will you give him something to play with?! My student got him back with a ball, so give him a ball pit or something to play in!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Hire new handlers. The current ones you have are more useless than the dog. This is not an order, but a strong advisory suggestion.

Also, look into him not having that belly rub weakness around the prisoners. If any of them catch wind of it, you're going to hear about it from me. In person.

Questing for Dragons? Again?!

Dear Spike,

Again, you seem to be the only creature that benefits the most from these friendship lessons besides Twilight, and this is saying leagues about your development.

I'm not too surprised you participated in the migration, Spike. It was an eventuality you would do so one day, and neither I nor Twilight could keep you from it forever. Especially now that the dragon numbers have reached their highest since... well, the last migration, but you were still in Canterlot then, and goodness knows how many tasks Twilight put you through while you two were here.

You've seen how most dragons act, I take it? Brutish and rude, aggressive beasts, they've no qualms with theft or claiming admirable feats of strength. I'm not sure how much you recall from your own incident regarding such disrespectful behavior, but now you've seen how terrible such creatures can be for yourself.

But also recognize that they are capable of good. They can share and care, despite their greedy appetite, and have a strong sense of community among their kind despite their shortcomings. They may not look it as a whole, but most dragons aren't pricks, and are actually nicer than the rest of the world thinks.

The Dragon Migration is the culmination of that positive community, existing as a point in time where all dragons set aside their pettiness for a week and revel in the company of friends, acquaintances, and rivals far from pony civilization, which is great for a myriad of reasons that keep our towns away from their more... destructive tendencies.

Fluttershy must have done a fantastic job in that regard. Minor scorching to a single trench area in Mayor's damage report is a load of difference compared to the Acres losing another barn to dragonfire again. Clearly she's doing her job properly, and I picked a perfect Dragon Watch pony.

Either that or she chickened out and we'll have yet another issue to properly discuss. I certainly hope it's not that, otherwise Brutus will be pulling double duty.

Anyway, you learned a powerful lesson about what family means to you, and the definition you provided is about as good as it gets. Just remember that it will also include less desirable family members that you'll just love to hate or simply tolerate. Not every member of your family will be ideal in that regard, but be accepting of them all the same.

Continue to learn alongside Twilight, Spike. I look forward to your next report.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Hello Luna. Nice flower tattoo on your face. How were the children at school today?

Funding a field trip for tomorrow to Rainbow Falls? Of course we can pay for that, but we can do better.

Why, baking treats for them, obviously! You go ahead and make your moon treats; I'll make some sun muffins.

I haven't told you yet? Well, I'll teach you. The first thing you need to do is--

Hurricane Celestia

Dear Fluttershy,

I've been meaning to get around to asking this question, but why do Pegasi use such a ridiculous method to funnel water up to Cloudsdale? There has to be an easier, less natural disaster-causing method than whipping up a water tornado just to transfer reservoir fluid from the selected town to there.

Do you know what happens when Pegasi lose control of the tornadoes they whip up? Pegasi get flung away and crash into all sorts of locations, and if they're fortunate, the tornado disperses. If not, it goes on a rampage tearing through the area for at least an hour before it's corralled and under control. That's not the average time; that's the minimum. I understand it's a Pegasi tradition thing, but seriously, when a tradition threatens the lives of participants and bystanders when things go wrong on an incredible scale, maybe it's time to figure out a balance between upholding tradition and filing a casualty report.

As an example, Winter Wrap Up used to fire Earth ponies into the sky to clear the clouds via catapults and trebuchets. Yes, instead of launching normal things like rocks, they launched themselves the same way Pegasi used to do for their fledgling young for their first flight. "It's raining colts and mares" was not an uncommon phrase at the time.

It took about two centuries before the tradition was finally changed to let Pegasi contribute and make things easier, but they still refuse to have Unicorns help using their magic because... well, I'm sure a good reason still exists to keep that traditional wall standing tall.

Actually, I'll just address Cloudsdale on this, and discuss with them a few methods that would probably cause less collateral damage. Things like hoses, having Earth and Unicorn make buckets and/or a funnel, moving the city closer to lower the required wingpower if they're still stubborn on using that chaotic method... you know, a compromise to make it less compromising if it gets out of hoof.

And they'll listen, because they know what a REAL natural disaster looks like if they don't.

Now, in regards to your lesson, yes, teamwork is a very crucial thing, and everybody's contribution helps, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. But that contribution doesn't matter if you get injured trying to help and fail on an all-or-nothing method, which is a Pegasi-driven tornado powered by criminal amounts of safety negligence.

Pass this along to Rainbow Dash, and I'll look forward to your next letter.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Eating Cake Shouldn't be Confidential

Dear "Gabby Gums", aka Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom,

Thank you. Thank you for lifting the veil of overbearing stiffness and demolishing the deified stature ponies have long held me to as a peak in standards.

Finally I get to see myself portrayed in a non-glamorous light thanks to you three, and whoever you hired as your photographer. Because hey, I love cake, and don't mind eating it without magic or letting things get messy. Everypony always assumed I ate my meals with a level of dignity, and I do for formal dinner parties with ponies I need to act proper for. But outside of those stuffy arrangements, I'm just like any other pony.

Except now I have a small problem. As is the case with all news, every noble in Canterlot misinterpreted that and decided to give me cake. Like, all the cake from the bakeries here, and I think some imported fruitcake I can use as a doorstop. I'm swimming in so much cake, frosting, and fruity filling I could hold a day-long cake festival in town where everypony is invited and I would STILL have enough pounds of sugar slices left over to feed all of Ponyville for a week.

Just because I like something doesn't mean I like being flooded with it until I can't get the smell of vanilla out of my nose, and as much as this feels like something I'm sure Pinkie would greatly appreciate, I don't when I can't even walk around my castle without having to eat my way through some of it.

There's cake on the walls, cake lining the halls, even upside-downs hanging from the roof like sweet disco balls. And it all has to be gone before the motherlode of ants comes for the feast of their tiny lifetimes. I can't eat it all by myself; my guards have already eaten more than their fill, and Luna's eaten so much she's bloated to the size of a fat watermelon. I'm in a similar predicament, but can't leave my bed. I think it's creaking under the weight.

Thus, in congratulations for your pinpoint-accurate coverage of my cake-eating habit, whatever cake we don't finish by today you'll get in a shipment tomorrow. It's the least I can do to reward such honest reporting, and who knows, it might be your next headline. "Tiny Reporters Get Their Just Desserts" sounds fantastic.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Luna? Hang on, I'll open the door and--dear gods, you ate more?!

No, Luna, you need to get off this floor of the tower immediately. It wasn't designed to hold the weight of two elephants, let alone--

Did you hear that? That cracking sound. It's--oh no. Luna, hold onto your rolls. NO, not the sweet rolls, the fat ones! We're going down the express elevator.

Express Delivery for a MMMasterful Treat

Pinkie,

I ask you this, miss observant and semi-omnipotent: am I stuck in a time loop? Because, by the gods, I'm reading a lesson on the importance of not jumping to conclusions. Again.

I've said or heard the words "don't jump to conclusions" millions upon millions of times, most of the time said by me, with the rest mentioned by nobles in a half-hearted apology after being called out in day court on their amazing lack of perception. I've said it to half your group of friends by now, including my student over five hundred times. It's officially become a part of my morning routine to practice mouthing those words so my jaw doesn't lock up while saying them. Please don't make me repeat those words to you any more.

In other news, the National Dessert Competition went spectacularly well, and it was good to see everypony there cheering on those fantastic sweets. It took a while for Luna and me to make it--we're still recovering from the Cake Colossi Incident and needed to be airlifted to the event. We could walk, but flying's faster. Our Pegasi guards may lack wit, but more than make that up in awesome brawn.

Although I must say that a joint collaborative entry between four of the competitors is something we haven't seen before. Really defeats the purpose of a competition, if you ask me, but I didn't complain when it made a dessert that decided to mix doughnuts, eclairs, cake, and mousse into a sweet smorgasbord that was a feast for the taste buds.

It's just a shame it didn't win because of Peach Cobbler's Cobbler Castle. I couldn't believe that such a thing was possible to build with nothing but cobbler ingredients, but it stood proud and tall, trouncing every other entry in height alone. Everything was edible, even the tower spires, and it was so unspeakably delicious that I couldn't find the words to describe it as Luna and I chowed on it like ravenous titans.

Now Pinkie, I know what you'll do to Peach Cobbler. It's the same thing that happened to Brew Lay and Madame Macaroon when they won the last two competitions you've entered, and what you tried to do to me when you thought I was just spiteing you. They still haven't recovered from your Sugar Bomb Delight, and are still in therapy for their busted teeth and crippling sugar addiction. I'm fine, and you should know that it will take more than an irresistibly sweet jawbreaker to take me down.

Do not send another one to me. I'm done with those terrible things, you hear me?

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hello Luna--what is that lump in the side of your mouth?

NO! You spit that out this instant! You don't know what you're getting into with that thing!

I don't care how sweet it is, it won't be when you find yourself craving another as soon as it's gone! Now. Spit. It. Out!

Thank you, Luna. Now, leave. I need to dispose of this before... before...

I'm Never Hosting Weddings Again, Part 2

Author's Note

To my readers:

Thank you for sticking around. It's been a blast writing these things.

In preparation for the third season, I've decided to open up Celestia's mailbox for fanmail once again! Details can be found here.

I'm Never Hosting Weddings Again, Part 2

Twilight Sparkle, Cadance, Shining Armor, and those affiliated with the wedding,

I believe I afford you all an explanation as to the events that transpired during the wedding, specifically the whereabouts of my sister, Luna, and why I choked on taking down that bug queen.

To start, Luna wasn't in Canterlot for the entirety of the wedding. Last night, she and I discovered that Changelings from the Badlands had found their way onto the castle grounds. I didn't think that dragon smoke would come back to bite me in the arse, but that's what I get for smoking out a hive I didn't even know existed. Hindsight at its finest.

Anyway, in the interest of saving time in both protecting the town and tracking down the source of the infestation, she agreed to seek out their hidey hole while I held down the fort. She has yet to return, but I'm certain she's busy smacking those bugs around with her swatter as I speak.

As for me, I found a note one of the intruding Changelings had on their person, specifically addressed to me by their good queen. I... won't go into the details as to what was in it, but I mentioned a rather big threat has been made in it to Shining, and he set up the barrier that lasted 'till the day of the wedding.

Then, as you all know, a lot of things went down. I said some things I regret, Shining has said worse he regrets, and Cadance regrets turning Twilight Velvet's guest room upside-down looking for anything Chrysalis may have left behind after learning of her bedding with Shining for two nights... sort of. She's a tad possessive of you, Shining, and I'd keep an eye on her. Make sure she doesn't do anything too... drastic.

But more importantly, all of you deserve to know what exactly went on in the throne room where I fell in front of everyone in the most depressing upset in power since the story of the Love Poisoned Lovers.

First off, my ponies, know that when I fell, I did so for two reasons and two reasons only. The first relates to underestimation of her accumulated power, and the second is fear of collateral damage upon overpowering her.

I had cast a simple immobilizing spell that would have incapacitated most unicorns at low to mid-levels of magic prowess--I did not expect Chrysalis to have absorbed that much energy and resist it so easily. Kudos to her for being efficient with her time, and for catching me off-guard as a result.

But why didn't I simply overpower her? Because I risked the chance of a magical explosion when two spells contest each other. That sort of explosion is one that can't be contained, and usually leaves a large crater with nothing in it being safe from harm, and usually seriously injures those inside the blast. Not only would this ruin my throne room, it would also gravely wound many standing within the immediate vicinity, including the Element Bearers. There was simply too much at stake to lose, and I don't gamble with other ponies' lives in a crossfire situation.

I had told Twilight to get the Elements afterward, and the rest of the story everyone knows to some degree. Chryssy got cocky instead of defensive--thank the gods for that feat of taking down an alicorn getting to her head--and Shining and Cadance saved the day by casting their rapidly expanding barrier spell.

That unfortunately had the downside of leaving a few changeling-sized holes in many of the houses and complexes they've intruded in, and even a hole or two in the castle garden floor. Shining, darling Cadance, you two might want to tone that down a bit next time IF a next time ever happens again. Now I have to deal with property damage claims, and gods, the nobles LOVE to nitpick on exactly "what" was damaged. Ancient antiquities? A lamp they bought one day ago? Grandmother's jar of ashes? You'd think the last one is reasonable... until the court's doors close and they think it's soundproof while cheering, "Woohoo! Free jar!"

There is no low.

Anyway, I deeply apologize to you all for not explaining the Changeling threat sooner, and I've learned a great lesson on how to deal with bugs: buy piles of citrus bug repellent, and never underestimate the potential of a love-leeching pest again.

Sleep well, my little ponies, and again, congratulations to the happy couple. May your days be filled with less domestic violence than today, and I hope you have a wonderful honeymoon.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. If I hear any gossip about me being weak, I will HAPPILY correct anyone who believes in that notion.

Oh, Luna! You've retur--

Wait. Before I get excited, you remember that thing I told you about?

You know, the thing in your room I mentioned just before you left? What was it you were going to hang tonight?

No, 'Luna', it was a bug net. And it looks like I've caught one MORE!

Hah, good work, Brutus. She'll be changing back any second now.

...aaaany second now.

...oh ponyfeathers, she's gonna kill me when she wakes up.

The Crystal Empire Strikes Back, Part 1

My dearest Twilight,

You must come to Canterlot at once.

A place thought long forgotten has surfaced once more in Equestria. For over a thousand years, it has been hidden from us, but a Royal Scout Division has brought us news of its return.

It is here that you will face a most grave task, one that falls upon your shoulders to take. I... probably shouldn't give it to you, but hey, you've been sitting around in Ponyville long enough learning friendship lessons for now. What I want to see from you is exactly how you handle the situation that I will further explain upon your arrival.

If you like, you can consider this a test of sorts--one that you cannot afford to fail. If you do, Luna and I will need to step in and fix the problem, but only if it is absolutely necessary.

Remember, Twilight: this test is meant for you, and it is here I suspect you will learn a very hard lesson. It won't be comfortable to learn, but you must learn it all the same.

You will get further details on what exactly this test is as soon as you get here. Trust me, this is something far too big to thoroughly explain in this letter. You will want to hear it directly from me.

I await your arrival, and don't keep me waiting long.

I mean it. I have things to do to clean up the remnants and damages still left over from the wedding, including tending to a slew of Missing Pony reports. Luna and I are particularly troubled by this since Cuppa Joe seemed to have disappeared, but that's not why we're troubled.

As it turns out, Pony Joe doesn't remember having a brother. In fact, upon checking our citizen records, Cuppa doesn't exist. We haven't had much need to check them until now. But with this information, there's a few conclusions that can be drawn from this, and none of them are pretty.

Given he's the Royally Designated Brewmaster, we cannot leave this sit idle. We will find him--we must. Otherwise, we have to visit Brown Bean's Barista Bar for our morning fix, and that guy never gets our orders right. I think he even screws up our names on purpose. Seriously, Saladia and Gouda? Is he four?

I sidetracked a bit. Anyway, come as soon as you can. I'll be waiting.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, please tell me you found Cuppa. He's not dead, is he?

Oh, thank goodness, I feared he was--aaaand you still don't seem happy. Is he injured, or...?

He's... one of them? Huh. Well, now I feel like a prick for buying him a bug bomb after he complained about bitterbeetles getting into his coffee beans. No wonder he gave me the stink eye.

No no, we won't throw him in prison. We'll talk with him first, and it'll be a nice talk. No Brutus, just us in a room while we sort this situation out. Let's not jump to conclusions yet.

The Crystal Empire Strikes Back, Part 2

Crystal Princess Cadance,

Dear gods, that sounds tacky. Do I really have to call you that?

Anyway, I write this to you to bring both good news and bad. You'll want to sit down for the bad news, so I'll just start with the good first.

The good news is I can maybe bargain the murder charge down to involuntary slaughter. The bad news is the Crystal Empire is being charged with the murder of Sombra.

I know what you're thinking. "But he was an evil tyrant that enslaved the crystal ponies, generally making their lives miserable!" That is true, and certainly evil in its own regard. But such crimes are not deserving of his untimely death. We have Tartarus for such villainy, but leave it to a demon horse of crystal and smoke to, well, turn into smoke and vanish on us before we threw him in a vacuum cleaner.

When he came back, I had hoped that his evil could be bound and restrained so that he might face due process in due time. Now that the entire town killed him, however, that due process shifted to the town itself. Exacting a wrong for being wronged does not make it right, Cadance.

You might wonder who is pressing this charge, and no, it's not me or anyone in Canterlot. It's his horn; Sombra's horn.

That long face you're making as you just read that is the exact same face I made, but it's not a new thing. Considering I've had to preside over cases like Penny Pincher vs. Coinpurse, Chicken vs. Egg, and my favorite, Rock vs. Paper vs. Scissors, this is exactly as crazy as it sounds.

And let's be honest, the horn has a pretty good case nailing the town for murdering its owner. But like I said, I can negotiate it down to involuntary slaughter unless you think you can make a good case as to how the town is not responsible for doing the deed. Respond to me if you can't think of a better option, and I'll see to it that the sentence is as light as it can get.

Meanwhile, we've since interviewed Cuppa, and concluded that he was not, and never was, a part of the invasion. This is of immense relief to us and our shameless desire for his tasty brews, and we agreed to give him legal citizenship on the condition that he merely continues his great work in serving coffee to my fair nobles, tea blends for me, and doubleshot espressos for Luna.

Thankful feels like a small word to express his gratitude in that moment, but it's the only word I can think of that works best.

Anyway, good luck with the case, Cadance. Remember to contact me if you run into trouble, and for the love of the gods, stop rummaging through Shining's belongings. She is gone, okay? Calm down.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, is that you? Hang on.

Yes, did you want some--thhhaaats a megaphone.

Look, I'm sorry it happened, okay? I really thought it wasn't you, but this is going a bit too far and--don't touch that switch, Luna. Do you hear me?

Okay, fine. I do deserve this, but at least don't use the Roya--

The Good Seed, the Bad Apple, and the Ugly Fertilizer

Dear Little Crusaders,

I somehow find it hard to believe that three children could cause enough damage to wreck two floats for the Summer Harvest Festival short of giving a foal a box of matches. And yet here on my desk sits Mayor's daily damage report, with a footnote pointing out the three of you as responsible for the damages.

While I hardly expect children to repay the debts incurred in full on this, I feel compelled to ask just what harebrained scheme you concocted that caused such carnage.

Or... maybe I don't have to. By the sound of things, you encountered a bit of a bully situation, didn't you? And instead of telling an adult so that this situation wouldn't spiral out of control, this eye-for-an-eye stunt was how you decided to handle things?

Look, I get it. Bullies will always find ways to put you down or make you feel worthless in the eyes of your closest companions. Sometimes you won't be able to run or hide from them, and fighting or tricking them will only lead to an escalated battle that, in your case, might involve property damage caught in an explosion that your little hooves caused. That is not the right way to go about this; telling someone else, asking for advice, or even speaking with them is.

Talking may not be the perfect solution to dealing with them, but it is a start. The more you learn about them from whoever you talk to, the more you find out about better ways to deal with them. You might find a way to make friends with them should you discover they're only awful for some misguided anger issues, or discover a means to have them just leave you alone. However you choose to deal with them, do anything but put them in mortal danger, at the very least.

And, Crusaders, I'm going to let you in on a small secret: there will be more 'bullies' in your life than this one. Many, many more, depending on what you do with your lives. They might be bosses, managers, agents, what have you; all of them will push you around. If you think your friends and family members are hard on you, trust me, they are nothing compared to what sits outside your home and comfort zone.

Except the pushing they do is not the same. They do not do it for detriment or demoralization; they do it to toughen you, to see your potential shine past their criticism. That is how you push back; show them your capability, make them see what you're worth. Prove to them you are someone they should respect, because if you do nothing or crumble under it, you will not get any.

I should hope to expect great things in your future, little Crusaders. Do not go down the path of mutual self-destruction, and seek the path of friendship and tolerance. The taller you stand in the face of such adversity, the more you will weather in this world.

Respectfully,

Princess Celestia

Oh, hello Lu--oof!

Luna, you didn't have to tackle me to tell me you got a new board game. I could get that news just fine standing upright.

Wait, you got Alicorn Twister?! We haven't played that in so long! How did you even find it?

Wow, that secret cubby in the old castle still works? Hm, that makes me wonder about all the other secret passages there and if they're still intact.

I agree, we should get that sorted out later. But for now, I am SO ready to finally beat you at this game, Luna.

You ready? First move... is left wing green.

Not Another Magic Duel

Mayor Mare,

I formally extend my apologies to you for the incident that occurred in Ponyville today. Being crammed in a birdcage and held hostage by a corrupt magician probably ranks high up there in your top ten worst experiences of your life, and that includes being fed crackers drier and saltier than the Saddle Arabia Sands.

Thanks for sending some of those crackers in this letter, by the way. Really gave me an idea of the nightmare you were put through. Out of curiosity, I put a cracker in Philomena's water dish, and it drained the entire dish while still acting as if it never got moist at all--this thing puts chamois leather to shame.

But I accept some blame for not carefully monitoring the amulet over at the Canterlot Artifact Museum. I've been trying to get that thing in my vault for safekeeping, but the curators insisted it was safer in their hooves, and in fairness, their pitch was pretty convincing. "Oh, we have the best security in Equestria! Magic locks! Locks locking locks! A lockbox locking said locked locks! All just to lock doors that don't even go anywhere that fool our own staff! Trust us, Princess Celestia. It's completely safe."

And then it was stolen. We don't know when it happened, but it was a professional, top-notch job; nopony noticed it was replaced with a fake until I stopped by a week ago to verify its safety. After their thorough introduction to Brutus--we searched for days looking for it in Canterlot, only to find nothing. We thought it lost for good, or in the hooves of somepony bent on destroying the world. Turns out the latter was close, wasn't it?

Zecora's holding onto the amulet for safekeeping this time. I trust there will be no objections to this, since not only is she not a unicorn or alicorn, her intimate knowledge of the Everfree lets her stash it in a place nopony dares enter 80% of the time. I don't know where she hid it, and that's for the best; a secret location isn't that secret if we know about it.

The merchant who sold the amulet fled town, it seems; it's a shame he did that. Luna's been training Shadebeak to, ahem, 'escort' subpoenaed ponies to night court should they fail to respond to her summons, and that merchant will understand exactly what it means to see stars.

Speaking of which, I see Shadebeak returning with the first to visit Luna's court: Trixie Lulamoon, charged with possession of stolen property, use of a forbidden arcane artifact, subjugation of a town, and cruel and unusual punishment of its citizens, amongst various other crimes. That will be a hoot to watch.

Thank you, as always, for your findings and crime reports, Mayor Mare. I'll let you know what the punishment is the following morning.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I enclosed a bottle of that brandy you like so much. Something tells me you'll want to crack into that after everything that happened today.

Sleepless Nights and Daydream Delights

Dearest Scootaloo,

I am happy to see you have found a way to face your fears. Using your idol is both a creative and inspiring solution to squashing an imaginary fear from such a spooky tale.

But not all fears you encounter shall be easily conquered with creative thinking. One does not simply conquer a fear of heights by never entering tall towers, just as a bird that fears flight never leaves the nest, or let someone else do the task instead so you don't have to. That does not truly solve your personal problem, even if it makes it go away--it will crop up again like a nasty weed, always.

As such, your solution to the fear you faced in your dream was actually indirect; with Rainbow's help, your fear was solved by someone else. You must understand that not every problem you face can be fixed by somepony else.

That is not to say your friends' help is of no benefit, however. Friends, be they by your side or far away, can still lend you strength in unforeseeable ways. I'm certain they would think no less of you if you admitted your fears to them; rather, I believe they would try to help you however they can. They wouldn't be good friends otherwise.

However, there will be fears that you must face alone, and in such times where they occur, and while strength lent from friends helps, it is not enough to do everything for you. You must find strength within you to truly conquer them.

If you don't, it will take hold, mold you into something you are not, and you will then find yourself less than what you were. Without friends, without a home... without family. Scootaloo, I implore thee: learn from the mistake of a foolish mare made long ago, for if you do not conquer your fears, they will conquer you.

Sleep well, Scootaloo, and may your dreams be as glorious as the bright blue skies you dream of flying one day.

Wishing you well,

Princess Luna

P.S. Teatime with you in your dreams afterward was a delight, and I'd love to do it again sometime.

Oh, evening Celestia. What brings you to my room?

Bill is stolen? You mean this quill right here? He's been with me for the past hour or so, why?

No, Tia, I just borrowed him for a moment so I could write this letter to a child having nightmares. Did I do something wrong?

Fine, I'll ask next time when you're not busy in the bathroom. I heard you giggling in the there when I took the quill. I know what's going down.

Why, your super sudsy bubble bath, of course! What else could it be--

Author's Note

Thanks for reading as always, good folk. In addition to this letter, Tia answered a bit of fanmail!

Wonderbolt Powers, Activate!

Captain Spitfire,

I was spending a relaxing bit of time in my room reading a novel on my favorite chair. I rarely get such free time, but when I get it, I spend it like this, content on willing away the ills and woes of the day with no expected interruptions short of my sister discovering another food development she missed in the last millenium. This time she discovered Hayburgers. Gods help her for that place; their food tastes like shame slathered in secret sauce. Delicious, awful shame.

Anyway, one of your students paid me a visit today by crashing into my tower. Again. Just straight-up plowed through the doors and nailed me in the chair. A pretty commendable shot, to be sure, except for the fact that I'm not the target they should be aiming at.

This is the fifth time this month, Spitfire, and I'm really starting to wonder if the catapults and tornado launchers the trainees use are aimed at my tower once a week on purpose just to piss me off. I know the last time I visited the Wonderbolt Academy, those things were facing mountains without a giant city attached on the side, so the idea that they'd get turned towards my home without forewarning of pony bombardment seems lax on your part.

I get that you need to make sure the ponies under your wing are Wonderbolt material, and that it calls for them to adapt to extreme situations that your squadron has encountered before in the line of duty. I even know that it actually happened once when Soarin decided to be a bit foalish over the town and ended up breaking Discord's stained-glass window. But if you're going to have this be a thing, do me a solid and let me know when it happens so I can have the guards set up a rebound net. That way they'll stop hitting my walls and instead hit something more of a cushion than me.

Further, I request that you send me your roster for reserve Wonderbolts this week. I need to update the records here, and I know Rainbow Dash has exhibited great interest in being one. Send it to me as soon as possible so I can keep the list here updated.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. If I have to come down there and get those roster records, I'll show you exactly what it feels like to be me when a student becomes a castle crasher.

What Kind of Family Reunion Only Serves Apples?

Dear Applesnack,

Your lesson learned is one of the most thought-out things I've read that I don't need context to appreciate, much to my shock and utter awe.

Family is a big thing. It's so huge, its importance trumps the size of my castle, for without family, we will always find a hole in our life that's just missing, empty and devoid of the love and happiness relatives have for each other, even if actual relations are tolerable at best. I'm happy you discovered the importance of that, especially since your family's sown so much seed across the land I wonder why it hasn't been renamed Applantis by now.

Also, some congratulations are in order. Your barn is officially the record holder for the building rebuilt the most in the entirety of Equestria.

Two hundred times it's fallen, and thanks to your family reunion, it beat the previous record held by Mayor Shaker's manor in Quakestown. Although in fairness to him, he's been rebuilding that thing in the hopes of it not falling apart in the yearly earthquakes that strike the town. Two hundred manors later, he finally got it right, while everypony else decided to be more reasonably sane and NOT build their home close to the fault line.

On the plus side, his design now makes homes in precarious locations much more feasible. That's the capability of a stubborn fool for you--sometimes they pull through with a stroke of genius through naught but sheer persistence, and it benefits those crazy enough to plant their home on the side of a mountai--

I'll need to ask for those designs later, and I think I'll pass them along to you if you feel you're just done with raising barns one day. Until then, I get the sneaking suspicion this record will just reach astronomical highs for you and your family, and will no doubt be passed on through your many, many generations of fruit-named youth.

Don't forget to tell Granny about this, either. She's seen that thing fall so often I get a kick out of my day when she sends me a letter telling me just exactly how the barn fell again, so I know she'll think on it.

Keep in touch,

Princess Celestia

What? Luna, I was joking about renaming the land Applantis.

Well, yes, technically it CAN be renamed that, but that needs to go through the proper channels first. I can't just go off and call the land Solaris like you can't with Mooningham. This needs petitions and campaigns to get enough ponies onboard with it. That won't happen overnight.

Plus, it gets rid of a name half-heartedly agreed to by the leaders of three races after a cold spell in the name of equality! Surely that means something to the ponies here, right?

Right?

Spike's Eternal Service Really is Eternal

My faithful student,

I know you've been bugging me for the past week or so about the lack of dedicated academic assignments you've received since your move to Ponyville. That said, assuming the mailmare didn't get lost or dropped off my package at one of your neighbor's homes by accident again, you should have received a dozen books by now. What I want you do with them is simple:

Read them. They're important texts that the Canterlot Library has just received new copies of, and I'm fairly certain you would benefit from the updated information. I know you can probably read them all over the weekend, but I'm not asking for that. Take your time with them, especially for one textbook in particular.

The new set of field researchers at the Dragon Grounds submitted their complete findings on the Dragon Code of Conduct, which I've sent a copy of in this delivery. Given your present situation with Spike, I think you'll find that knowledge quite vital in terms of making sure he doesn't do anything drastic.

The previous version covered just a few bits about their diet, indentured servitude, and a few other essentials about their manners around their kin. Pretty bare bones, but that's all I could get from the last set before they got boned. This time, the new information details that while all dragons adhere to a general code, personal addendums may be added by the dragons as long as it does not conflict with the general code.

Given Spike is still young, he's no doubt added some bits and pieces to the general code that may be a bit much for him to handle without fully realizing the implications. Things like life debts, for example, carry consequences far beyond mere service for debt repayment, and as such aren't entered lightly for such reasons. Things like being their consort, tending to every need and desire they request, and even holding silent vigil and guardianship of their grave until their death if the debt has not been formally declared repaid.

If this letter didn't get your attention before, it should now. Keep an eye on Spike as he develops, read the textbook, and make sure he doesn't make any rash decisions he will regret. Don't ask me how or why, but today, I just have a bad feeling about him.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. Did you need someth--

NO! Get that little firestarter out of here!

I don't care if I fireproofed my room five times over, get that baby dragon out of he--wait.

Luna, please tell me that dragon in front of you doesn't owe a life debt.

Oh great, he does. Good, then do me a favor and dissolve it before he burns half my castle down and--GODS, that fireball was close!

"Doesn't have control over his fire?" Oh really?!

Keeping Calm is Difficult Around Discord

Dearest Fluttershy,

You've greatly impressed me today. You did something I thought highly improbable, for while I know you could tame dragons, a chaotic draconequus is another story entirely.

If I'm honest, while I placed great faith in you in getting Discord to play nice, I expected things to end with him sitting in stone again. As usual, he let his chaotic magic roam free with reckless abandon, and I got an earful from Mayor for it.

Mayor flipped out with a report mentioning a great flood, general calamity, and Discord just being an arsehole to her piles of paperwork by eating them. "This mismatched goat ate all of the financial paperwork! Tell him to give it back! You brought him here, and look at what he's done to my office! He kindly redecorated the place so it doesn't look like a stuffy old codger's lodge! I'm extremely ungrateful for this generous renovation of my office setting!"

So, Discord, I know you're hovering over Fluttershy's shoulder reading this. You probably have those tacky glasses you wore the last time I tried presenting a formal peace treaty so you'd stop screwing with us long ago, only for you to eat it and comment on its exquisite taste. Classy action, that one. But to the point, do give Mayor's paperwork back. I'd ask for that treaty of mine, but gods know how long that's stewed in your stomach and--

Discord? What do you want? Oh, let me guess, you want another game of Pony Checkers, is that it? As much fun as that would be for using the nobles here for the pieces, I have to decline.

A delivery? Well, if you're reformed, I'm to expect no surprises, right? You know, like that box of chocolates you gave me that weren't chocolates?

How do you know I ate half--nevermind. Just tell me that whatever's in this thing isn't disgusting in any way, shape, or form.

You gave one to Luna too? Well... if she can handle it, I guess I can. Still don't fully trust you yet though. That takes time.

Aaand he poofed. Okay, Fluttershy, while you may have converted him, he's still a bit loose on his leash. I'm not going to say you're his handler, but you are his friend, so make sure he keeps his antics at a level reasonable enough for Mayor and I to not lose our marbles. He will steal them; he has before, and will do it if he has the opportunity.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Okay, let's see what's in this thing. I swear, if it's another wrapped Diamond Dog turd...

It's... my bag of marbles...

This doesn't fix all the wrongs you did, you know! But... well...

It's a start.

Blame Games Ponies Play

My darling Cadance,

I'm so happy to hear that the Crystal Empire plays host to the Equestria Games this year. Harshwhinny already sent in her submission for the games location for approval, and it's one I signed without hesitation.

Although, Mrs. Harshwhinny did have a few choice words for Twilight and her friends for being so neglectful of the actual pony in charge of approval whilst pampering a complete stranger. "How those six accomplish anything with how inattentive they are to detail is beyond my comprehension."

And yes, she said that despite their inattention scoring the Crystal Empire the nomination by giving a tourist a royal welcome for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. She chalked that up to a happenstance of speaking with the pampered mare at the right time, otherwise the nomination would have been a write-up for the worst tourist hotspot since Cloudsdale for failing to accommodate Earth Ponies without the aid of Unicorn assistance or provision of Cloud Walker potions.

I clarified, however, that it's not her job to understand their actions or lack of noticing detail. It's mine, because I get the letters that make me want to visit a wall multiple times, head first. I know you've done it too when foalsitting Twilight years ago--you didn't get those red spots on your head from a rogue ketchup bottle. Points for creativity though.

I should say I'm a bad foster parent for leaving that example for you, but really, you're going to be doing that more often once you get all the princess duties set up over there. Let me know how your first day court goes; I have a few tips on how to make it through your future ones without thinking about punting those ponies clear to Canterlot.

Also, if you haven't acquired a stress-releasing weapon yet, you might want to look into one soon. I have Brutus, and Luna has her megaphone, and Platinum had her scepter. It doesn't have to be just one weapon, either. It could be a bag of marbles, for instance.

Remember: it's not the size, shape, or number, but how you use it that makes it work for you.

Anyway, congratulations once again on winning the hosting honors, and I'll see you soon when the games kick off in grand splendor.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Do me a small favor and plant a whoopee cushion on Luna's chair the day of the games. She got me with a bucket of ice water--on my throne, no less--and I think this will even the score.

This Magical Cure Isn't a Mystery to Me

Princess Twilight Sparkle,

Oh, how long I've waited to start using those words. It's been so long since I've had a student that's made it far enough to be worthy of that title, and here you are.

You faced quite the odds to get here, Twilight. The spell Starswirl wrote but never finished was a test I hoped you would complete in a very timely manner, given the nature of the spell. Mayor Mare just about lost it once the cloud weather looked like a chessboard, not to mention the flash heatstroke and blizzard weather patterns. Add in your friends doing the thing they thought their cutie mark was telling them to do, and this whole situation felt like it was ripped straight out of Discord's playbook.

I knew this would happen, by the way. Of course I wouldn't just send you a spell of Starswirl's as chaotic as this without a backup plan in mind. Had you failed, I would have sorted it out myself. I solved his spell beforehoof thanks to your many, many friendship reports giving me a greater understanding of friendship than Starswirl ever had. I wish he was still around--he would have benefitted from them so much.

But you succeeded, rising far above my admittedly low expectations, and now you're a princess. One without a castle to call your own, but a princess all the same. Now, since you're freshly coronated, you shan't be exposed to the wonderful world of princess politics quite yet, especially not until you have a castle ready to contain such lunacy. Although I assume you're well and content with living in that treehouse, that spot's not nearly large enough to hold an audience for your court sessions, so I'll speak with Mayor shortly after you read this. We can figure out a temporary arrangement in the meantime until you have a castle you're comfortable with.

Enjoy yourself, Twilight, and thank you for proving to me that despite all your faults, and I mean a lot of faults, you're still diligent and dutiful, and quite worthy enough to wear a crown that's not just for show.

With love and great respect,

Princess Celestia

Oh, hey Luna.

Pay up? Oh, right. You won the bet.

Hang on, let me find my coinpurse. Can't believe it took her less than two days, and she didn't even send me a letter asking for help!

Well, yes, I'm happy that she did it relatively quickly and without assistance. Why wouldn't I be? Here, take the bits.

No, I'm not mad about this bet, because even though I lost, I still won. After all, she's a princess now. That's what's important.

Equestria is for Everyone, Boys and Girls

Sunset Shimmer,

I write this to you in the hopes that it has been delivered through the portal safely to your location, wherever that may be. If this ends up in someone else's hoov--ahem, hands, whoever you might be, do me a favor and find a high school girl with the hair and complexion that reminds you of grilled cheese and tomato soup. Her name is right there up top. Find her, give this to her, and don't read a word of the rest of this. I mean it.

Now then, Sunset. Your actions were quite unforgivable. Stealing an Element of Harmony, one of the few things that help maintain balance in this world, is the equivalent of stealing Pinkie's pet Gummy. I'm not joking. That sort of happened once, and she table-flipped the town looking for him thinking he was taken. Turns out he wasn’t stolen--just buried in her hair again.

Anyway, I’m glad to know that my student succeeded where I had failed, for while I'd taught you much about magic and the importance of humility and respectful behavior in the face of multiple nobles, I did not teach you the value of friendship. Instead I taught you of the proper ways to be a princess, and what was the result of that? A costly mistake, and one I still regret to this day. This resolution my student and you have found is a small consolation prize, but truly, I wish we could pick up where we left off someday under better, more controlled circumstances. It is doubtful, but possible. We shall see where the road takes us.

Also, I owe you an apology. Your previous belongings here in Equestria kind of got buried underneath piles and piles of miscellaneous paperwork related to my day court proceedings. I intended on keeping those things safe and sound in the case of your eventual return into what would have been a welcoming embrace, but life has a funny way of suddenly occupying my time with sheer and utter nonsense. You know that.

I dug them out, but they smelled a bit musty, and looked quite dusty. But worst of all, some of those things were fragile, and crushed under the weight of the paper. Your diorama detailing the functions of the Ponyville dam and why its destruction would spell doom for the town, something I planned on showing Mayor three years ago but never got around to, is now completely destroyed. Now I have a scare-tactic post-disaster diorama to show her which... actually might be a better idea for ensuring the dam operates at peak condition.

Okay, bad example. There’s… uh… OH! The snow globe I bought when we visited the Frostpeaks has a big crack at the top of the mountain inside the globe. This might be salvageable if you don't put it somewhere where it'll fall a good distance. This peak would put an eye out, and it very well could. Be careful with this if you want it back.

Your art and sketches are fine, much to my relief, as is Mr. Snuggle Wuggle. He's been missing your 'huggles', which kind of looked like chokeholds to me, but you loooved this doll, and I guess he was fine with it. I'd be more than happy to give him back as soon as you want him--he's been giving me the stink eye for a long time, and it's quite unnerving.

When or if you return, be it through some sort of correspondence or your physical self, know that you are welcome, and what's left of your stuff is waiting here for you. I still hope we can remain friends.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

And to whoever read this to the end that wasn’t Sunset, I don’t know who you are, but I promise you this: you will have a nightmare tonight the likes of which you’ve never seen. I personally can’t make that happen…

But I know somepony who can.

Princess Luna's Big Day! Oh, and Twilight Too, Part 1

Mayor Mare,

If it's not too much trouble, I'd like you to make a few changes regarding the Summer Sun Celebration this year.

For many years, the Celebration has symbolized the defeat of Nightmare Moon, a fight that lasted so short nopony actually knew it happened until they noticed the moon didn't move the following morning. Oh, and the new face it sported. They really just didn't notice her in the castle, the summons, her birthday--except for me, of course--and that just ticked her off immensely. Still, her throwing a tantrum, banishing the world into eternal darkness, and stomping out my rule in the process was NOT ideal in any way for anypony.

Admittedly, neither was the thousand-year timeout I'd imposed with the help of the Elements. I meant for just a day to cool off, not a thousand years' worth of days, but the Elements love to overdo things. I wanted Discord bound so he can't cause chaos, and they turned him to stone like a jilted Cockatrice. Twilight and friends want to purify my sister? The Elements scrubbed Luna so clean they bleached her coat slightly. If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing, I suppose.

Anyway, now that my sister has returned and is no longer a nightmare thrall, the Celebration needs to reflect that in as many ways as possible. I do not want this holiday to be one where ponies bask and embellish my radiance or cheer for the defeat of a dark demon, but one that acknowledges my sister as much as possible. Now that she's taking a much more prominent and imposing role in her duties and dream wardenship, I want my little ponies to respect her as much as they do for me.

To that end, change up the banners, alter the festivities, and do what must be done so that she and I will remember it as a day of reconciliation and reunion, and not of doom and destruction. We'll come by shortly after the ceremony ends here, so be ready. I'll bring a bottle of Headless Mare Zinfandel, but feel free to prepare whatever drink you wish. No need to get fancy, Mayor--we're all friends here.

Also, do try to keep this change of plans secret. I made sure to write this while Luna isn't here, so it'll be a fantastic surprise for her when it's time for the festivities to begin.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

What the--that vine wasn't there before. How did it get all the way up to the balcony?

Hedge! Hedge Trimmer, are you slacking off on your gardening duties again?! I swear, that Pegasus is lazier than an Ursa Major that can't be arsed to find its baby.

Great, no response. Of course--he's probably up in the clouds sawing logs riiight... aha, there he is! But he's too far to bean with a marble from here...

Or not. Brutus, I have a new job for you.

Princess Luna's Big Day! Oh, and Twilight Too, Part 2

Discord,

Teaching Twilight a lesson in being a princess is absolutely commendable. It shows that you're trying to be productive instead of destructive, and that I appreciate. Honestly, the fact that Mayor has sent me only the usual damage reports this whole time, as opposed to one or two incidents involving a cow with udders for hooves or some other nonsense, left me stunned at how well you kept that chaos magic in check.

And then today happened. Look, I understood your plan when you told me just before I was sealed in that vine cocoon. There needed to be a way to have us vanish just as some horrid threat came about, just to see how Twilight would react as the acting princess of Canterlot, especially since Cadance was off tending to her own troubles at the Crystal Empire.

I just have one question. Why didn't you warn us this was going to happen? You could--and should--have done that, even if you didn't know when your seeds would germinate and grow. You could have told us you planted them a thousand years ago; that way, we would actually have knowledge and be less surprised at the whole capture scenario. You KNOW how I hate surprises.

But while I can tolerate your surprises, Luna can't. She was flailing and screaming the whole way to the Everfree--the fact nopony heard her was miraculous, were it not also for the fact that she was already cocooned. I guess even your vines are intolerable of loud noise.

If you have any left over, I have an idea of how to use them. I've been meaning to soundproof my tower and courtroom for a while now, and those vines seem to do the trick nicely. Sometimes Luna shouts when she sleeps.

Anyway, the next time you pull a stunt like this, do me a favor and give advance notice. That way I know what you're up to, and how to respond accordingly.

You may also tell Luna at your discretion, but I wouldn't try anything soon. Last I checked she was plotting something in revenge for locking her in a claustrophobic nightmare. You've been warned.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Castle Mane-ia: Organ Donors Wanted!

My dearest Twilight,

While it would be perfectly lovely to have you in Canterlot once more, I have another option in mind much closer to Ponyville.

See, after hearing your very laborious and long-winded request to look at every single text in every single library in Canterlot and the forbidden tomes, even the one known to eat faces upon opening it, I realized you were quite serious about looking into this lockbox. Probably far too much for your own good, but I know that once something catches your interest to the point of making this kind of request, it's difficult to get you back to ground level without waving Smarty in your face, or in extreme cases, using a laser pointer.

Anyway, I checked my library, your old one, and Starswirl's archives. I even had Luna sort through hers and asked the Royal Canterlot Librarian to sift through the records on anything that might have been submitted on the Tree of Harmony and its origins.

Fruitless endeavors, I'm sad to say. We found absolutely nothing beyond a small recognition of the tree in a history book about it being the original host of the Elements of Harmony, but that's all. My field researchers may have the balls to get up close and personal with dragons, but they mysteriously vanish the moment they hear the word "Everfree."

That's where my other option comes in. As you know, the ancient castle that I once shared with Princess Luna lies mostly in ruins, deep in the Everfree Forest. But if you look carefully, you may find a book that could prove helpful to your research, hidden somewhere in what's left of the castle library.

Key word: "may." There is no guarantee, but the texts that remain there are far older than what's on record here, so it's your best shot for looking into that lockbox.

Heed my warning: Luna and I never got around to disabling some of the trapdoors and secret passageways built into the foundation and first floor, so you might encounter a few hazards as you explore the castle. Don't ask me why we put in so many--it's a long story involving a short-term plan to dispose of dissident nobles that backfired heavily once we discovered we couldn't just treat them like trash, even if they treated others that way.

Barring that, if you're still determined to look into this box, then by all means, raid the remnants of the castle. Just make it out in one piece and respond once you're out of there.

Best of luck,

Princess Celestia

Luna, could you come in here for a moment? I have a question.

Now, it's normally not my business to ask about your spending habits, but may I ask exactly why you bought ten thousand Lunacanes?

Don't tell me you didn't! Your signature is right here on the order form! You even bought a giant stuffed Ursa Minor sitting in the giant crate I put in the throne room! It even made realistic growl noises!

Look, I don't care if you ordered these or not, I signed for the delivery, and these things have your face and name all over them. This is YOUR problem to deal with, not mine.

Don't You Dare Do What You're Daring to Do

Rainbow Dash,

In reading the latest in A.K. Yearling's Daring Do series, I noticed a rather new face on the cover that bore a peculiar resemblance to you.

Color Band, aide to Daring Do, seems equal parts devoted to her tutor and klutzy beyond belief, stumbling her way into secrets Daring wouldn't notice otherwise. Her wall-eyes don't give her perfect vision, and her wit isn't quite at par with Daring's, although the moment where she called Ahuizotl a "mean blue kitty" threw me into an extended fit of giggles.

Beyond her faults, she's enlightened me to a curious notion that sometimes it takes a simpleton to solve simple problems. "What would Daring do?" she asked while facing an old stone wall separating her from where Daring was held captive. "AHA! Use your head!"

Then she rammed the wall with her head. Priceless.

Daring also learned a rather wonderful lesson in this tale that accepting help can be okay. She was stubborn as a mule in this tale for the longest time in not taking it, even though Color was practically hoofing it to her on a silver platter for the whole adventure.

Still, I'm quite happy she came around in the end when she realized those rings weighed much more than she predicted. Solid gold is heavy when it's that large--it's why I chose my regalia to be minimal and sleek. The original design had me lugging around forty extra pounds of gold; I couldn't put on that much weight if I ate five ten-layer cakes in one sitting, and I'm expected to wear enough gold to buckle the bulkiest of my guards all day? No thank you.

But the bigger issue behind refusing that help was her lack of trusting anypony but herself. I get that, since gods know I don't trust the nobles here with anything, with a few being notable exceptions.

But if I didn't trust anypony, nothing would get done. In a land where some of the greatest threats are sitting in a deeply buried powderkeg, I have to trust the guards to keep them in there and make sure nothing explodes into calamity. I know Daring has done so much on her own to save the land time and again, but that steam WILL run out before she knows it, and only then will she really be thankful Color was there to help.

I'm not quite sure why I'm telling you this, actually, but the point is that Color Band really taught her something important. I just hope Daring understands that before she gets into some danger she can't get out of.

Anyway, there's my take on her latest adventure. Let me know what you thought of it, and we'll discuss the next book when it comes out.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Luna, what are you doing with that catapult?

No. Luna, that's a bad idea. What will Ponyville think when an Ursa falls from the sky?

Okay, yes, "normal" is probably accurate for the town, but this isn't the way to get back at Discord for his prank. You need to be clever and unexpected, not just returning to sender.

Oh, you'll figure something out, sister. I'd love to see the expression on his ugly mug when you do find a way to get back at him for this.

Nothing Takes Flight In Here

Mayor Mare,

Given that Ponyville is still standing, I have a small question.

Normally, I get this little damage report from you on very good days, where the biggest expenses I need to concern myself with can be anywhere from a broken window to a new pen. And you've been very diligent in writing such admittedly petty reports, though I didn't mind it much at all.

That said, this week must be a miraculous one. I received absolutely no damage reports from you at all. No daily reports, and more importantly, no weekly report. And I say this knowing Harshwhinny came by the school this week to talk to the children about the big contest for the opening of the Equestria Games.

Particularly, I seem to recall three rambunctious fillies that managed to wreck the float parade some time ago. Now, I'm not saying that I expected them to, say, shift a house off its foundation...

But I did expect something to go wrong. Maybe a busted wagon or scooter, a treehouse needing repairs, a ruined bowtie! I'd even settle for one of your petty reports where you're missing your hairbrush again for the umpteenth time. Seriously, how do you keep losing those? Does your mane eat them?

I know I should be happy that nothing went wrong this week, and I am in a way. But in another, it just feels awkward not getting ANY reports for a week from a town so fraught with incidents major and minor that no news almost has me believing that's BAD news. Just because I hear nothing from the town doesn't mean that's a good thing.

So in the event that another day or week like this comes around where nothing happens, at least let me know through a weekly report that nothing went wrong. You don't have to do it for daily reports--I can accept the town having a few days where nothing happens easily. But a week of silence is something that WILL grab my attention unless you confirm it otherwise.

So, please, keep in touch weekly at minimum. I'll look forward to seeing you and Granny at the Inked Mare in a few days.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

What the--Luna, can you at least knock before entering? And why do you reek of chocolate?

You... ate one of the canes. Huh. Well, if chocolate bits exist, I guess canes can.

Why yes, I'd like one. Also, I assume you figured out how to get back at him for the Ursa?

Oho, that's good. He DOES love blueberry pie.

Author's Note

Thanks for reading, as always.

Also, Tia got around to answering more fanmail.

Powering Through Peeping Ponies

Dear Twilight,

I thank you for your vested interest in refurbishing the old castle so soon after your previous excavation there. I didn't think you'd readily accept my request, much less enlist your friends to help, so please extend my thanks to them as well.

You don't know how much this refurbishment will mean to us. It's the last step in helping us bury the hatchet we wielded so long ago, back in a time where our fights were more heated, and our friendship was strained to a breaking point over petty squabbles like who ate the last sugar cookie. Now that we've recovered that friendship, seeing the old castle look new again--or what remains of it, at least--will finally close a millenium-old wound.

But if I might make a suggestion, since you obviously know about all the trap doors and secret passageways, I'd like you to keep those the same. You may modernize the other parts of the castle at your leisure, but keep those hidden hallways the way they are.

I won't go into great detail why, but Luna and I have hidden some things in there that... aren't for your eyes to see, nor your friends. No, it's not another great evil or powerful artifact that shouldn't fall into the wrong hooves or anything exceptionally dangerous. At the same time, they shouldn't see the light of day for... reasons. In other words, some secrets are meant to stay that way, so don't go looking for them during the refurbishment.

In fact, just try to stay out of those hallways completely. I don't want you kicking around loose stones or tapping the walls for hollow sounds, or even stepping on weighted stones that may or may not suddenly open said hollow areas. Don't. Do. It. Just stick to cleaning and touch-up, and everything should be fine.

But if you do stumble across such a room somehow, well, stay out. That's it. Don't enter the room, or even so much as poke your head in. Touch absolutely nothing in those rooms, nor take anything from them if you somehow ignore that last statement. I mean it! Leave everything in there alone, especially the books! They're... not ordinary books, okay?!

Sincerely--seriously, stay out,

Princess Celestia

Yes, I warned her, Luna. Our secret comic book stashes ought to be safe.

Well, they shouldn't have rotted. I vacuum-sealed mine in plastic, and so did you, right?

Uh, no, that sort of protection ward fades after a century without maintenance. I'm sorry, Luna.

Well, I suppose if they haven't found them yet, I can share mine with you. Don't worry--I trust you'll read them without stuffing your face with moon cakes while reading them.

Yes, I'll also take a look and see if they're still sold on the market. Anyway, while we wait for them to finish, let's get started on those pies, okay?

Bats, Rats, and Empty Vats!

Granny Smith,

Your granddaughter Applewhack told me the orchard had managed to survive another vampire fruit bat invasion. How many years has it been since they last cropped up? Twenty? Fifty? I want to say fifty is close.

That was a horrid time. I remember it well, and how you had written to me about these shameless creatures that would drain your fruit dry and leave wrinkled, pitiful cores about the orchard. They left no tree untouched, and had you not sent a letter to me, I have a feeling the last quarter of your orchard wouldn't exist.

I wish I'd have known about the infestation sooner, but since Dragonfire mail hadn't been established in Ponyville yet, your letter had to be delivered by regular mail. We both know why that took so long.

But there's, uh, something you don't know about that infestation. As you're aware, I did show up to drive away the bats before they got to the last quarter of the orchard. I'd brought the Royal Handler with me to corral them into a ball so I could sling them away.

Unfortunately, I missed my aim a bit and the sling ball of bats hit him--he was a Pegasus in the line of fire, so to speak. And by some sheer miracle of magic, he...

Well, he turned into a bat-pony thing. He didn't tell me about the transformation--I just caught him rummaging through the kitchen eating my apple fritters. Needless to say, we caught him, but that had been quite a few weeks after the infestation had cleared out. And during that time, he found... interested mares.

I won't go into the juicy details, but Luna's taken a liking to these bat-pony hybrids he had sired into this world, and introduced them to her Guard once I told her there might be some new ponies that might better suit her duties than my day guards.

The Royal Handler is still under close watch, but we let him roam free on weekends, and he always comes back to a big bushel of apples. I've forbid him from tormenting Ponyville, so you don't need to worry about that. We got him under control.

Anyway, I admired your resourcefulness to ration out what remaining apples had survived the onslaught. Even when the battle had been lost, you made sure to keep a level head, and the town survived to this day. Even if a few ponies had moved away to Appaloosa--which I suspect you're at to check up on those "loose ends" you referred to--the rest of the town stuck with it, and life had greatly improved.

Thanks to Princess Twilight, this recent infestation was handled with far less destruction than before, if Mayor's damage report is accurate, so rest assured the orchard is in good hooves upon your return.

But I should warn you--Mayor left a footnote saying she heard some hissing outside her window as she uncorked one of your vintage bottles of apple cider last night, so maybe all the bats haven't been introduced to that sanctuary yet. I'd keep a close eye on your cellar--I know I am.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

Luna, are the pies ready?

Perfect, I'll get started on writing that letter to Discord... unless you want to write to him.

Of course you can! I mean, I'm offering. It's not like last time where you jacked it without permission. And no, I'm not bitter.

Here you go, then. Knock yourself out. NOT literally.

Rarity Takes Everything In Manehatten, Even the Carpet and Drapes

Dear Rarity,

First off, congratulations on winning that little fashion show of yours. Your inspired work in using various hotel sheets and fixtures to create an ensemble as homely and cozy as one of those lavish rooms is exquisite, if this catalog is accurate. Really, it's quite creative.

But I also received something else from Mayor Plaster of Manehatten: a bill he forwarded from the hotel you stayed at, listing off thousands of bits in damages to the hotel room. Torn-up carpet, missing drapes and frilly bedsheets, even strips of wallpaper, towels, and scented toilet paper rolls had been taken from the room with reckless abandon. The room itself was beyond mere salvation that could be solved with a little TLC--it requires a complete overhaul just to look presentable again.

Your apologetic note and bag of compensating bits left at the door was a noble effort at saying you're sorry for trashing their room harder than a rock star, but unfortunately, it wasn't quite enough. Luckily for you, I've learned from enough experience and damage reports that when any of you do something or go somewhere, stuff usually gets broken or destroyed along the way.

So I've set aside a small fund separate from the treasury, specifically devoted to whatever mishaps or destructive forces come about as a result of your arrival. I've taken to calling it the "Harbinger of Harmony" fund. Surely you see why. Anyway, should another situation arise where someone in your group pulls an "oopsie" or "whoopsy-doodle" and something falls apart, this little fund will cover all those expenses for repairs.

Assuming, of course, that there's money to cover it. I'll add my own in small installments every week, but it won't cover everything if these damages add up. That is where you and the others come in. Feel free to add as much or as little as you like to it in whatever frequency you desire, but do note that if a bill comes in and the fund doesn't cover it, I'll cover what I can with what's left of the fund and forward the rest to you to pay off in what I hope will be a timely and appropriate manner.

I trust there are no objections. Financial responsibility is quite the burden, but surely it is one you and the others can readily manage. That, or you could just not break anything and use this fund for personal vacations. I'm not picky, but just be responsible.

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

P.S. If it's not too much trouble, I'd like to buy a set of your Hotel Chic line. I want to see some nobles' jaws drop, and it miiight give you a headstart on the fund. Your decision on what you do with the profits, though.

...okay, fine. Two sets. Luna wants one as well. You know, to look like twinsies.

Apple Pie for the Pink Lady

Dear Granny Smith,

I can't believe you went on a road trip and river rafting without me! You-you said we would do that one day, and this is what happens?!

Sorry, sorry. I might have had a rough day. The nobles brought their A-game in stupid by suggesting a plan to counter unions by forming a union themselves. You know, because their rights as bosses are infringed upon by their pesky workers.

That motion was super denied. Like, really hard, especially when I pointed out that their job isn't to make their worker's lives' worse, but to encourage them to KEEP working. Pissing off the workers only ensures in less getting done, and they should know that. Should. Gods.

So I cracked open a bottle of Pink Moosecato and I... might've downed the whole thing. In on--*hic*--one swig. It's a good thing my quill spell's low maintenance and easy to keep going, because my real writing is awful. It's so bad researchers at Canterlot Academy thought it needed a cipher when I sent them a letter asking them for student records. Pricks.

Then I read your letter detailing your crazy adventures with Pinkie, and how she's a pear it-a parrot... she's a new family member. I'm sure Applejack is happy she's got a relative so close by that's also a devoted baker--turnovers will probably saturate the town in a month.

Your road trip with Pinkie had to be nothing short of chaotic though. I mean, wow, your cart breaking down, the Cave of fun seek-sunbeam anull--UNSPEAKABLE Horrors, and a waterfall rapid ride? She probably got plenty of kicks from that--your thoughtfulness in keeping her entertained along the way with eldritch horrors and nightmare scenarios is something I should have thought of ages ago.

Still, I would be veeery careful, Gran. You've seen just a fraction of what she can do, but I-I know what she's capable of. Now that she's part of the family, she'll probably paint your barn pink one night and say it's just a new coat, a personal touch. But really, it-it's her way, her WAY of marking her territory. And I hate it.

It won't go away. Can't scrape it, can't paint over it--I mean, you-you can, but it WON'T last long. The next day, it'll be pink again with a note: "You need more pink in here, so I added a bit more!" And then she painted the bathroom for good measure. I haven't painted my closet or the bathroom again since that note.

Also, some Pinkists might stop by from time to time now that you're a scone-a soak... related with their leader. You can shoo them off with a spray bottle of water, or tell Pinkie if she stops by. I'm certain she'll have a way or two to cease their actions if you kindly ask her about it.

Beyond these small issues, Pinkie should be a bun derp full-wander... good addition to your family. I wish you the best of luck in keeping your home red, white, and slightly pink as possible.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Extend my regards to Goldie and her hundred cats for me, and let her know that I'm sending over that stack of books she asked for, the ones about cat care and how to make your home not smell like a dingy kennel.

Author's Note

I wish to extend thanks to videocrazy for a small edit to a certain name in this letter.

It Only Takes One Sick Person to Infect a Crowd

My darling Cadance,

The Crystal Ponies have been out of the loop for over a millenium, and I know you've been having problems getting them to adjust to some of the more modern societal standards and technology. Your latest introduction of fans into their life was of noble intent, even if it backfired from the reams of responses you lamented to me.

"ALL of them claimed it was a horrid generator of torrential stormy winds and water that make this awful noise within their homes! For land's sake, they're not even the ones used at the Wonderbolt Academy! Just the personal-size ones you sent me from Canterlot with the mist spray!"

Gods help you when you get around to toasters with them.

Now, I do understand why you needed to take a day off from their painfully slow and steady lifestyle. But that's also why you need to get them up to speed, especially since they have a station on the railroad as a prime tourist town. I know you've been dealing with more tourists than I usually get, but that's what happens when a town just suddenly reappears on the map again. Give it a few years--it'll wind down soon, hopefully.

Until then, make sure they're aware of technology like those fans existing in other towns, and especially of those that carry such technology on their person--I don't want to hear of complaints from nobles having their cameras broken for "blinding witchcraft shenanigans" again. I'm quite thankful you managed to get them used to trains, although admittedly hearing them called "whining, screeching iron demons" was hilarious at the time.

A-Ahem. Anyway, it sounds like you had an... interesting time hanging out with Twilight. And Discord. Curiously, I looked up that Blue Flu you say he mentioned, and it is a real disease. Not too contagious, but I'll tell Twilight to keep an eye on those that contracted it, including monitoring her own status. Thus, I warn you as well: if you see signs of intense swelling and bloating of rounded proportions, as well as an intensifying blue hue, let me know as soon as possible. I know someone who can fix it.

With love,

Princess Celestia

Oooh, I know that popping sound. Discord, what are you doing he--YE GODS!

What happened to you? I know Cadance mentioned you received some well-earned karma, but did an elder dragon sneeze on you or something?

Tatzlwurm? Close enough, but euuugh, keep your distance from me. I do not want to catch that stuff.

Discord, get a hankie! Actually, leave out the balcony! Don't you DARE sneeze in my room and--

I hate you SO much right now, you don't even know. You don't. Just... just get OUT of here!

Oh please, stars above, don't have Luna visit right now--

LUNA, DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR! QUARANTINE ZONE!

Pinkie Swallows Her Pride

Pinkamena Deviant Pie,

Cheese Sandwich. Gods, I never thought I'd say that name ever again. No news of noise complaints over the past five years had me believing that crazy party pony had finally kicked the bucket or gone missing. I missed him.

But I'm happy to hear he's back, and I know this because that party over in Ponyville today was loud enough to have Canterlot--yes, my little nobles again--write up complaints about the noise coming from the neighboring town. And the only reason a party gets that loud is when Cheese is in town.

Now, I know you. You throw parties what seems like every other day in there for somepony because you've memorized all their birthdays--and mine and Luna's, for reasons you have yet to explain. So when Cheese came in, I'm certain you felt quite threatened by his approach, which is understandable. He was clearly on your turf, playing your game.

But he means no harm. He's a tried-and-true dedicated party pony without even an ounce of religious dogma in him. I haven't even heard of any Cheesists existing, unlike your Pinkists.

That said, I ask that you don't convert him. He's pretty much a year-round Santy Hooves, and I'd like that image to be preserved.

Also, now that he's back, he'll be hosting my birthday parties again. The nobles may have banned him from having any parties in the Canterlot commons, but my castle is still fair game. If they're willing to pester me endlessly at the Gala, they're willing to take it back on my birthday with music and fun firing on all cylinders.

Oh, but feel free to come over as a guest party planner. I'm certain Cheese won't mind seeing you again. But if you do, do me one favor:

Don't tell him about the mirror pool.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hello, miss Blueberry Bush. How's your--

GODS, cover when you sneeze! And for your cough too.

Thank you, and... uh, you have a black worm kind of poking out your nostril and...

Okay, didn't expect you to snort it back it up. That was... hurk... hoo, alright. Sorry, but geez, I really wish you didn't open the door back then.

It's not my fault you didn't listen--no, no, we shouldn't get mad. Tatzl flu just gets worse with anger.

Well, that's why I'm trying to be calm, and so should you! Noone would like us when we're angry.

Look, we'll just get a cup of nice, hot soup, play some Risk, and get through this together. The longer we're ill, the worse things will get.

Simple Ways to Deal with Trendsetters

Dear Rarity,

Mayor Mare wrote about your amazing success in hosting Ponyville Days. It added a rather interesting touch of class and culture standing in stark contrast to the farm-oriented town, which just adds another layer of intrigue to the town commonly known by the rest of the world as "where anything can happen, and we do mean ANYTHING."

But... ugh... Trenderhoof. I find it shocking that he had never visited a farm town before in all his years of travel, despite his article on Appleloosa insisting it "wasn't so much a farm town as it was a western town that really loves its tacked-on orchard." I'm honestly surprised he didn't call Ponyville "modern and modest, plus an orchard next to a frightful forest," but this quite clearly proves how fickle his mind is.

Do you know he visited Canterlot once and called Cuppa's coffee a drink so rustic he swore he tasted rust? While I don't doubt that, that comment alone almost ruined Cuppa Joe's reputation for a whole year, were it not for the fact that I kept getting my tea there.

I was called every synonym of distasteful and unclassy by nobles that blindly follow the words of a stallion with standards so flippant even corrupt health inspectors fare better judges of food quality. But I didn't mind, and eventually they came around to the fact that a Princess who's eaten more than enough cultured cuisine over the course of centuries just miiight have a better idea of what's delicious, and what isn't. Trenderhoof may spot what's hot in the moment, but trends fade away, and it's in such times that I look for things that I know will last, regardless if it's trendy or not.

Rarity, your elegance and style in your clothing designs are one of those things I should hope won't change to reflect the tastes of a single pony with as much permanent swaying potential as a small gust of wind trying to bend a well-rooted tree. Change may come to many things in life, but some things don't need it. I should hope that your sense of fashion stays the same in that regard.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Yes, Luna what is--snnrk...

Hahaha--nothing's... ahem, nothing is funny, Luna. I just didn't expect you to wear red square-rimmed glasses and a tan sweater vest.

Trendy? That get-up?! According to who--you read Trot Topic, didn't you? Trenderhoof's editorial magazine. Where did you find it?

Oh, right. Well, I don't read it--I use the paper for Philomena's birdcage.

Sure, you can use it for Shadebeak's cage. Anyway, don't listen to him and his idea of fashion--you're beautiful just the way you are.

Vanilla Filling, a Little Enjoyable Thing

Mayor Mare,

I just received your weekly expense report, and for the most part, damages seem to be in order. Pinkie's streamers and party favors littering the town and hidden objects in bushes and trees, another hole in Granny's barn caused by a mad cow, and as usual, a giant animal causing significant damage to somepony's business. Although, I do admit reading about a giant white cat treating the Quills and Sofas building as a scratching post was most amusing. The giant hairballs weren't.

Don't worry about that last expense, by the way; you mentioned Twilight was experimenting with size control that Tuesday, so I'll see to it that the Harmony fund will cover that.

But on another note, there's one section in particular that concerns me regarding your ribbon-cutting ceremony. Specifically, you listed the ceremony inaugurating a brand new entertainment kiosk about the size of a farmer's vendor stand in the tent plaza.

I... well, honestly I didn't expect that was something ribbon-worthy. Usually you do those sorts of ceremonies for big, important buildings like Ponyville Medical, the Community Theatre, and the Spa Sisters' Parlor. Which reminds me, we really should stop by and visit those girls. It's been a good year or so since my last massage.

Anyway, I don't doubt the kiosk will see plenty of use, especially after the Ponytones made a marvelous display of how it could be used for a simple acapella performance. I'm simply expressing a bit of concern that the next ceremony might honor a new fencepost at Sweet Apple Acres or something equally ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong--it's perfectly acceptable to celebrate the little things in life. It doesn't mean the whole town should know about it, however. I don't go around Canterlot singing about earrings like they're the best thing, unlike a noble mare this afternoon. Oh, all the places she will go to impress faces she won't know!

Mayor, I ask this as a Princess presiding over rich fools, but more importantly, I ask this as a friend. Do not be like my nobles, and please celebrate responsibly.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

Luna, of course you can come to the Spa with me.

No no, Aloe and Lotus are professionals. They'll wear earmuffs so you don't bust their eardrums, so don't worry about your voice. They did that for my first visit... and every subsequent one.

Oh yes, we'll need a carriage. You won't even be able to fly when they're done. Walk, at best, and--where are you going?

Oh no, don't you back out of this! Trust me, you'll feel like a million bits when they're through.

Twilight's Time in the Spotlight

Princess Twilight Sparkle,

I'm so happy to see that you received your first grossly unflattering photo. The way you just tore into that Hayburger couldn't have been better short of you holding a hoofful of Hayfries and going whole-hog on that meal like Pinkie Pie would.

However, I do understand that you're a bit upset about that photograph being a source of remarkable defamation, but trust me, it's good for you! So long as it isn't something super-scandalous like sharing a kiss with a foreign dignitary or anything staining your ethics, the results of such minor issues only serve as platforms for you to stand on common ground with others around you. The less deified you appear, the better.

The ability to save face in the worst of times is something you should not overlook, my former student. That said, your actions and reactions to such "bad" publicity will absolutely determine how the public will perceive you, and the worst thing you can do at this point is deny it for something this petty. It's just food--there's no need to sweat anything over eating a burger.

Now, when you're inevitably questioned about this by the tens of hundreds or reporters that will probably swarm your library once they catch wind of another face-stuffing princess, what you should do is accept it with dignity. No "holier than thou" or any sort of vaguely condescending talk, just a good and honest, "Yes, I ate at Hayburgers, and it was good." Something modest without degrading some demographic or being too wordy--be VERY careful with how you dictate it. I don't want the Canterlot Courier going off on a wild tangent again with all princesses eating at Hayburgers and lovin' it. The LAST thing I want is to be associated with a facetious ad campaign again.

I once visited a restaurant that served such horrendous cuisine I called it, "Anything but edible. It's the worst! I would rather eat raw biscuit dough from a time than come here again." Three days later they threw up a poster with my smiling face. "Anything but... the worst! I would... come here again!" Never have I seen one of my quotes so horrendously butchered before then.

Sure, I was thought of as crazy for "generously" describing their food that way, and PR was a nightmare as I struggled to describe exactly what I ate there, literally. It had... a form, a smell, a texture... but it was not of this world, and I mean that in the worst sense possible. Sadly, that doesn't translate well when that was interpreted into "otherworldly and exotic," and the whole ordeal just went on and on for months on end, egged on by those two terrible owners.

I digress. Twilight, just... be careful. If you're not, you'll find yourself caught in a firestorm that no extinguisher can easily put out.

Best regards and well wishes,

Princess Celestia

Gods! Luna, knocking is common courtesy at this hour! What could possibly--

That... wow, that's a big Hayburger. It barely fit through the door frame.

A challenge? Luna, you can't possibly be asking--

Oh ho ho, you really think you can eat more of this burger than I can? Game on, sister! But, uh, did you bring napkins?

Good--we'll need a carpet of them on the floor. I have a feeling this will get really messy.

It Ain't Breezy if Luna's Not Shouting

Dearest Fluttershy,

Today was the day the Breezies flew through Ponyville to get home, wasn't it? Oh, how I would have loved to see those frail, lovely things in action, surfing the perfect calm breeze as they flew their way home in near-ideal weather conditions.

But unfortunately, the Equestrian Society for the Preservation of Rare Creatures has… “politely” requested that I do not participate in any such observations for one single, solitary reason: even at my lowest tones, apparently I'm too loud and forceful with my voice to not affect the Breezies' flight path.

While I should be insulted that the group had the gall to suggest that I cannot keep myself quiet around obscenely cute and precious creatures--if that was the case, Philomena would have left a LONG time ago from the sheer noise I supposedly produce--I do understand where they were coming from. The whole ordeal involving Luna and the Dragon Migration put them on edge, and if she can do that to dragons, they believe I can do the same to Breezies. They have a very raw deal with how their entire livelihood and journey are tethered to one thing needing to be near-perfect to immaculate, and even though I've told them I can be perfectly quiet like a good little filly, the risk was too great nonetheless.

But the Breezies know how bad they have it, too. And if I'm reading Mayor's report right, then at least one pony in town had an idea to try and make it easier for them. I received a signed petition attached to her report to fund a project that would guide the Breezies into an isolated wind tunnel that goes through the town of Ponyville.

Dubbed the Breezie Flyway, it would simply be a long, clear tube suspended by Unicorns along the Breezies' flight path, with Pegasi guiding them in with a gentle breeze. The idea is it would prevent stray objects from interfering with the flight path, like a stray leaf or something, therefore keeping the group together and keeping them moving in a timely manner.

It's quite sound, assuming that the entrance of the tunnel is monitored very carefully. The exit would need watching as well--there's always the chance they could be caught right as they leave by rogue winds--but if it succeeds at those two areas, their journey would be quite pleasant to observe with little to impede their progress.

It might even let me observe the Breezies, specifically from the middle of the tube's path to minimize the risk of any booming accidents! Honestly, this could really work out in a lot of ways and--

Yes, today was the day of the Breezie Migration, Luna.

No, you couldn't have gone, even if you wanted to. The Society also “politely” requested you abstain from attending ALL rare and uncommon observations after the Dragon Migration incident.

Look, if you really want to see them that bad, we can have a calm discussion with them on just exactly how hush-hush we can be. I’ll go ahead and contact them later to get that very important meeting set up.

Ahem, where was I? Ah, yes, the tube. I'll go ahead and forward this back to the Mayor with my approval tomorrow evening, but if you have any objections or improvements, please contact me as soon as possible. The Society will receive a copy as well, and we'll discuss that with them personally when the time comes. I'll look forward to that.

Enjoy your evening, Fluttershy.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

...say, Luna, do you still have those little dragons following you around?

Oh, I was just going to suggest we take them with you. You know, to argue that you can totally keep dragons around you and not cause the sort of destruction that causes a brand new ravine to appear.

No, we won’t tell them about all the castle fires, either.

Wanted: Somepony to Watch Over Two Dragons. Bring Your Own Fire Extinguisher.

Granny Smith,

I thank you for having the patience to consult me for parental advice, even if your letter is filled with the angry scrawlings of a mad bull that was recently dehorned. I understand how you feel about this--not only had Applepack abandoned her delivery duties to play Extreme Home Babysitter, Apple Bloom in retaliation sneaked away to try and complete an obscenely difficult delivery through a fire swamp.

This... well, this is really difficult to give advice on, actually. Both have their side justified in a sense, one wanting independence and the trust of their family to do alright on their own, while the other fears they may not be ready for the world at large, and all the dangers that lurk in the deepest darkness the world can offer.

I suppose, then, that the best advice I can give on this is to see things from their perspectives above. Sure, both acted with a great degree of irresponsibility, but it's not like we haven't either, am I right?

I even recall the times you've told me of your own coddling experiences with your dear daughter, and how ninety percent of your arguments had broken down with something breaking down at the end, usually your barn. Once, a hole in your wall. I honestly thought you were joking about her bucking strength until I visited and saw her buck a firewood log into kindling in one shot.

Needless to say, those growing years--most notably puberty and her first estrus, if I recall correctly--proved to be quite the trials and tribulations for you, but you've weathered your daughter. You can weather this without breaking a sweat.

I'm certain both would benefit from a bit of punishment, but I request that you be lenient. Don't go off the deep end and ground both of them for a month--keeping them rooted down with a half-hearted explanation doesn't solve anything. Instead, just have a chat with both of them, mare to mare.

For Apple Bloom, let her know that you trust her being alone just so long as you don't come back to a razed barn or home. You know, set a baseline expectation of maintaining some decent standards while you're away, and that they don't do anything spectacularly reckless that ends with somepony put in serious danger.

As for Applefact, kindly remind her that giving Apple Bloom a small amount of liberty and responsibility is the first step in doing what should be done to prepare her for the real world. Without it, what hope does she have to move forward when somepony holds her back? Granted, this is a far cry from teaching her everything she'll need to know, but that's why this is a gradual process, not a one-shot.

Just don't talk to her about taxes. Gods, even I don't have that completely figured out yet because it keeps changing almost every week. It's pure madness just trying to keep up with something that changes so often. Even Pinkie is more stable than our tax code.

Anyway, I've put my two bits forth, but the choice is ultimately yours, Granny. I hope you'll make a sound decision you won't regret later.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

Okay, no, Granny doesn't have the Royal Voice. She can't just shout the problem away, Luna. That's the exact opposite of rooting them down, which is pushing them away. You and I both know that is the worst thing to do.

Oh, while you're here, the Society responded, and requested that we don't bring any of our pets or servants at the meeting for the express purpose of not wanting to walk out with singed hair and flanks.

I know, I'm disappointed too. I thought it was a great idea, but they have other plans that suggest they'd like to live and walk out without relieving themselves in their seats. Looks like it'll just be us.

Uh, no. My birdsitter can cover our two birds while we're out, but she doesn't do dragons. You'll need to figure out something else. Maybe post an ad somewhere that many will notice.

Maud Pies: They're Better Than Eating Dirt

Pinkamena Diabeetus Pie,

I am very thankful for this gift of yours. Although, I feel the need to ask a small question:

What in gods' names am I supposed to do with half a ton of rock candy necklaces?

Yes, I know I've eaten sweets in large amounts like this before, but that ended with my massive tower buckling over from the sheer weight of Luna's and my fat arses. I do NOT plan on repeating this again, no matter how tantalizingly sweet these piles smell. Although they do smell just so, SO delicious, and I'm nursing a small piece in the corner of my mouth, that does not mean I'll eat my way through all of it.

Luna, similarly, has sworn off such gorging for fear of wrecking her own tower, and I don't blame her. She did take a large sack full of them, but that's all... or was it two sacks? Maybe it was two. And a mouthful that gave me the impression she is part-chipmunk--okay, she'll probably come back for more.

Most of my guards might be able to make another small dent in this, but that would hardly matter in the long run if they balloon and can't fit in their armor again. And I can't donate the remains to the nobles again--after the first sweets overload they've taken to fad dieting, and this donation would absolutely meet resistance at every turn. I'd maybe get a few secret guilt-eaters, but it wouldn't be enough.

So, regretfully, I'd like to ask if you want some of this back. Do note that this candy won't be going in the trash if you refuse--I'll just figure out how to regift this candy some other way after taking a share that I know I can eat without having my castle reek of a candy playground. Please respond as soon as you can.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. How was your afternoon stroll down in Canterlot?

You visited Twilight’s parents? Interesting, and how did that--

Oh, you… didn’t have much in common with them. I see. Well, worry not, dear sister. This isn’t a bad thing at all.

Well, friendship with family relatives of friends you know isn’t a mandatory thing. That’s not to say you shouldn’t try and seek common ground if it’s possible, but if your only common ground is a pony you both know well, that’s not quite enough justification to seek full-on friendship. If that was all I needed, I’d be friends with every single noble pony in Canterlot, and we both know that’s not the case.

Therefore, such a situation merits acquaintanceship at best, and acknowledgement at minimum. Respect them and who they are to your friend, and that’s all you really need to do to keep relations with them at an amicable level.

Great, I’m happy you learned something from this! Now then, have you scoped out that rock candy pile enough? I’m about to head down for some more.

Wait, you let your DRAGONS see the pile? Are you out of your mind?! Rock candy is more than just rocks! It's sugar!

FLAMMABLE sugar!

No, Luna. This kind of fire is different. We need to hurry! If Pinkie catches a whiff of burnt sugar coming from Canterlot right now…

Yeah, now you get it! MOVE!

Sweetie, the Bell Tolls for You

Dearest Sweetie Belle,

Firstly, I wish to apologize for intensifying your dream last night. I hope you didn't think of it as excessive, but I felt that such a grim "what if" scenario was necessary to get the point across that such selfish, petty revenge can lead to very devastating results for Rarity.

What it didn't show, however, was how you would have lived in such conditions. How do you think things would have been for you in that devastated boutique littered with cobwebs and tattered cloth? Do you think you would be living there still, or would you stay with your parents and watch your sister implode as your actions wrecked her reputation, drive, and ability?

Would you admit to her, after the fact, that you had unraveled her life by undoing just one stitch?

That “what if” is far darker than you know, Sweetie Belle. Some actions ponies take in life can have consequences the likes of which they could never imagine, and it can come back to haunt them for the rest of their days. That is why you must think carefully down the road on the decisions you make, for they may take you down a path that, once trodden, you’ll realize is not where you wanted to go. And depending on how grave the choice is… there may not be an easy way to return.

Be thankful for what you have, Sweetie Belle. You have a sister that cares for you very much, despite the squabbles you have with her. Trust me, that’s normal--Celestia and I get into fights all the time over who ate the last of the Macamoons, and whose turn it is to get the Coocoonuts for it. I’ll share a secret: it’s usually me that has the last one. They’re crazy good.

Anyway, Rarity does a lot for you, and you know that now. Show appreciation for what she does now and then, because while it may seem a bit overbearing at times, know that it’s done with love, and not just to show off her own talents, but to help highlight yours as well… when that talent comes around, that is. And if I’ve seen enough of your dreams by now, I have a feeling you’re closer to what your talent is than you think. It just needs a moment to truly reveal itself to you, and once you find it, you’ll know what to do.

Also, I may have a small proposition for you and your friends. My sister and I will be heading off to a meeting in a few weeks or so, and you seem comfortable with small animals. Would you be willing to watch over two small dragons for a day? You’ve been around Spike, I believe--Flint and Spark are a bit more rambunctious than he is, but mostly well-behaved. They just need someone to keep an eye on them and--

Tia, you asked me to figure something out regarding the dragons, so I’m doing so! What’s wrong with asking the Crusaders to look over them?

Oh, “everything” is a bit of an over exaggeration, isn’t it? Yes, they're children but two of them have family members with pets, so they have some experience with animal care. And my dragons love kids! I’ll even leave a burn-proof list of tasks for them to help if they’re stuck. Plus, they get free reign over the castle minus doing every single princess duty we do. What could possibly go wrong?

Yes, I ate some Macamoons earlier, but I don’t see why--OH! Yes, that is a problem. I’ll rethink this, Celestia. Thank you for pointing that out.

Ahem, Sweetie, the offer’s off the table for now. My apologies, but I'm not of sound thought on this matter at the moment. Anyway, think hard about your decisions in life and where they'll take you, and absolutely do not try to babysit dragons. Ignore my suggestion, please.

Sincerely,

Princess Luna

A Leap of Faith Better be On Good Faith

Dear Granny Smith,

I'm happy to hear you've finally picked up on regular swimming again after all these years, even if it took a bit of liquid confidence to get there--and I don't mean hard liquor. We both know how far you can go with that in your system, and so does Mayor Mare. And all of the workers at Barley's Brewery. I hope you thought swimming in a beer vat was worth a lifetime ban, missy.

Then again, that sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so I suppose it was worth it.

Oh, but Applesnack helped you come to your senses, didn't she? I wouldn't have guessed that, given you drank a tonic you described as "apple juice with seed chunks and leaves too. Very hearty." It really didn't sound that bad to drink, but I'll be honest and say that's not my cup of tea, not when I have Blend #33. Thanks for that blend, by the way--really makes this warm apple cider burst with flavor.

But that wasn't the issue with the tonic, which were claims of it being yet another miracle curative, if I recall. I'm quite surprised she lied about the tonic's benefits at first for your sake, because such a blatant flop at the silver tongues of those salesponies had only invited more trouble with, what else, quote mining and bastardization of her character. You'd think she'd learn by now that mincing words and dodging the issue just makes things worse for all involved and doesn't resolve anything until she owns up to her misstep. Well, if that hasn't gone through her head, it probably did by now, so here's to hoping she never has this problem again.

Don't tell to my nobles that honesty is the best policy, though. They will absolutely deny any wrongdoings to the bitter end, with 'justified' excuses armed and ready. "Oh no, I didn't mean to smash her balcony window. I was trying to get into my apartment, not hers." "I had to keep going after I hit that old stallion! My ice cream cake was going to melt! It was Death by Chocolate!" "No, I'm not mad they burnt to crunchy munchy caramel! I'll just send a new fireproof batch to you and--"

Oh, uh, that last one wasn't one of the excuses I heard. This note from Pinkie got mixed in somehow. I really should keep this desk cleaner, but it keeps piling up with paperwork that really, REALLY shouldn't be on my desk.

Anyway, glad you got your confidence back, and if you feel like going for a swim and have a free weekend, I have an indoor pool invitation with your name on it. You know, to prevent sunburns.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

And speaking of paperwork...

Luna, come here. Do you see this giant scroll taking up almost half of my deskspace? That's from the Cutie Mark Crusaders, addressed to you.

Yeeep, precisely because of what you did a few days ago. Call it a hunch, but I bet it's filled with a bunch of reasons why they should be your dragon sitters, and they were pretty thorough, judging by the size of this.

I'm certain they expect a very thoughtful reply on this matter, so good luck with that!

These Wonderbolts are Testing My Patience in 3, 2, 1...

Captain Spitfire,

I need to clarify something, for both your sake and mine.

When the Wonderbolts came to me and asked for funding to build an academy, I was elated at the idea. Ecstatic, even. A place where prospective Wonderbolt candidates can go to learn to be part of one of the largest and important flying squads in all of Equestria? How could I refuse such a forward-thinking motion that ensures the Wonderbolts remain mighty and numbering tens of hundreds strong in times of crisis?

So of course I approved it, and within a few months, the Academy was built and decked out with all the training gear you needed. Wingpower meters, giant fans, storm generators and various other weather machines that service just as well as the factory in Cloudsdale. The whole project was nothing short of a dream turned reality before our very eyes. And with you and your team heading the Academy, plus some supplemental staff here and there, I foresaw nothing but great things to come.

Cut to twenty years later, and despite some noteworthy attendance, I noticed that the number of Wonderbolts hadn't changed one bit. I figured it was a slow start on your part--surprising, given the nature of your performances in towns across the land. Or perhaps the students that attended simply hadn't met your rigorous standards to become one of the few that could soar above all others.

But surely some results would come once Rainbow Dash joined the Academy. I knew how skilled a flyer she was, and expected her to be one of your top students to become a Wonderbolt within just a few months.

Six months later, and nothing happened. So either Rainbow Dash had less intelligence than a cloud, or something was seriously wrong with how the Academy functioned. I chose the latter, and today I did some digging around in a copy of your curriculum and class procedures.

Nowhere in any of the school material, paperwork, or even embossed on the toilet paper rolls are there any mentions of students attending the Academy actually joining a place where they are a Wonderbolt. Not just learning about becoming one, but actually becoming one. In other words, the Academy never set up any Reserves program.

In. Twenty. Years.

Imagine if my School for Gifted Unicorns had taught everything one should know about magical theory, but not how to apply it to anything. All the magic training is available, but I don't offer a place or career path where their skills might see the best use, and failing that, some alternatives that might see them living fulfilling lives their way. That, Captain Spitfire, is what this stagnant Wonderbolt Academy has been doing this whole time.

And you're going to fix this. Right now. Set up a Wonderbolts Reserves program, have some students take some test to try and get in it, and get me some results I can smile at regarding your Academy's standing, for once. If you don't, I'll pull out my funding of the Academy and sort out another solution to choosing Wonderbolts at my discretion. Needless to say, but I will be cleaning house if that happens.

Make my investment in this place worthwhile, Spitfire, because right now, it's as worthless as a tree that bears no fruit. And I am holding an axe.

Best regards,

Princess Celestia

What the--Luna, where did you get all of those military medals?

Okay, no, I guess there's no expressly written rule Alicorns can't join multiple branches of the military, but seriously, the Seaponies? Did you do the song?

NEVERMIND, don't sing it. So, what's next on your badge hunt?

Uh, I'd hold off on the Wonderbolts for a little bit. They have some issues they need to work out veeery soon.

I'll Trade Ya For Some Bits of Common Sense

Princess Twilight Sparkle,

I thank you for overseeing the nightmarish bartering bazaar that is the Rainbow Falls Trade Exchange. I was concerned when I'd heard rumors of a trade ending with indentured servitude as a bargaining chip, but thankfully, common sense prevailed at the end, and the trade was called off.

Unfortunately, it seems nopony there had the good sense to take my darling Cadance's suggestion and use an established medium of exchange to get the things you want if you don't have what they're looking for. Or Luna's. Or mine.

Especially mine, because I've been attending this Trade Exchange for far longer than anyone else, and I've seen more than enough stupid decision making for amazingly petty reasons.

It's made me cry tears of pain. Pure, indescribable pain.

"Nobody at this exchange has anything I want? Well, I guess nobody gets my stuff, regardless of any that want it!"

This thought process sums up the entire problem with the Exchange. Because there is no established medium, or rather, no medium is allowed, so many ponies come here looking for something and either walk away unsatisfied with what they came in with, or stuck doing an insane trading quest with ten-plus vendors to get what they want from just one vendor. Sure, there are ponies that come in with the right thing at the right time, but they are few and far between when the wants of the vendors are subject to change at any time, for any reason. Items once desired may not be after just twenty minutes, and such traders caught up in this runaround get screwed due to fickle desire.

And that's "okay" according to the rule, because the trades got them closer to the goalpost at the end, only for the vendor to just up and move it once they get there. This is why I prefer agreements in writing, and not verbal.

Just... how hard is it for this place to just buy and sell items with bits in addition to bartering? The versatility in using this method would allow for more trades at prices they deemed fair by both parties involved in the exchange. Stuff would actually get sold and traded with significantly better turnover than limiting to just whatever garage sale items litter our home! And if for some reason there's nothing to interest a seller in terms of items, why should they object to some extra weight in their coinpurse?

This traditional Exchange has been around since the Unification, and its showing its age VERY openly. Yet much like Winter Wrap Up, this highly inconvenient thing refuses to adjust to the modern times, hailing from an age where food for cloth and other amenities was acceptable. But now that ponies these days are far pickier, this simply doesn't work as well as it could.

I just hope that next year, some ponies will actually see sense when it's... ugh, my turn to oversee the Exchange. It's unlikely, but we'll see.

Also, if you happen to be interested in a strange glove I have collecting dust in my closet, please let me know.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Oh, you wouldn't be interested, Luna. It's just a sock I got from a wizard a century ago.

Well, of course I didn't want a sock! I wanted a nice hat, one that could work around my horn, but the vendor closed up shop before I could make the trade!

Now look at it! What am I supposed to do with ONE sock?! It's not even a pair or a full set! I mean, maybe a stallion could use this as is, but I'd need to remake this into a scarf or something to make it practical!

But, well, lesson learned. You can't always get what you want when the one offering it changes their mind last minute.

Why Princesses Can't Join in Any Equestria Games

Dear Spike,

I'm quite thankful you'd managed to stop that massive ice cloud from crushing the stadium stands. We would have helped, but couldn't thanks to one Twilight Sparkle's spellcasting at the start of the games.

I know that was a thing that happened, because a few hawkeye officials and security guards had monitored us this year. I understand why, though. Cadance and I had a bit of... rowdy good fun at the previous Games held at Manehatten (think barrels full of live monkeys during the barrel races), and with Luna's infamous booming voice, many eyes were watching us for shenanigans at this year's Equestria Games.

In regards to Twilight, they didn't exactly know what she did at the time, but just the thought of an alicorn having "fun" with the games again was more than enough to bristle their gangly nose hairs, and shortly afterward, we were pulled aside for a small conversation with them. They called her out on her actions, and she clarified that she used a small pyromancy spell to light the torch, as you were unable to do so.

Despite her eloquent apology and promise to refrain from using magic for the remainder of the Games using the absolute best of reason a princess can offer, it was too late. Reasoning lost ground as slippery slopes took hold, and they started spewing off all sorts of "solutions" to the problems they foresaw us causing if they let this small thing slide.

One official in the group had the gall to suggest they muzzle Luna. That official is no longer with us due to Luna's... response--he's probably deaf, angry, and flying at a hundred miles an hour right now. I decided to cast a small sound dampener instead, much to her dismay, but it kept mostly everypony happy. Except that one official, of course.

We're definitely going to pay their medical bill. That's our bad.

Anyway, they'd set up the magic dampeners shortly after our discussion as a catch-all safety precaution. The paranoia of an alicorn or any unicorn messing with the games would have had some tragic backfire, were it not for your fire, Spike. Honestly, I cannot praise you enough for being the hero here. Maybe now the officials will see reason for next year.

Or not, like always.

Your singing voice needs work, though. Like, big time improvement. Pinkie might have enjoyed your calamitous chords, as did I, but not many in this day and age appreciate that sort of twist on music anymore, especially to something as patriotic as an anthem.

If you like, I can introduce you to Luna's vocal coach. It took the better part of six months to find one that could both withstand the shockwaves and give solid advice on controlling the range and volume without being too antagonizing for my sister's liking, but I found one. It's only been a few months, but the results are quite promising. I no longer need to sneak in disposable earplugs to her practice sessions!

Both of them need to stop checking my ears, though. I told them I stopped doing it, and I meant it!

Also, Rarity or Fluttershy might be good options. Both of them are Ponytones, if memory serves, so you certainly have the pick of the litter among some of the best on offer.

Do respond through the usual correspondence if you choose Luna's coach, though. She normally has appointments, but I think I can arrange an exception.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Oh, good evening, Ms. Harshwhinny.

Luna's probably in her room, but if she remembers what today is, she is most certainly not there.

Yes, hiding from you again. Probably in the same spot she hid in two weeks ago. Check the kitchen cabinets.

Well, I guess I can come and see the session later and--HEY! Not the ear! I told you there's no earplugs in there!

Your eyes played tricks on you last week! I swear I wasn't wearing any!

Fine, you can check as I enter the room, but I mean it when I say you won't find any in my ears.

Everything the Light Touches...

Dear Discord,

I write this to you in the hopes of enlisting your aid, for a dark force has escaped the confines of Tartarus that we believe you are the only one capable of hunting down and capturing in a timely and appropriate manner.

Tirek has finally made his move. Or, rather, we're just now aware he's escaped, because a particular warden failed to mention to me that one of their high-profile prisoners had fled the coop. Thanks to a startling vision last night, Luna and I are caught up on the situation, but we can hardly rely on visions to track down a centaur that, despite his feeble appearance, can move faster than we'd anticipated.

That is where you come in. You are the only one that has an attuned sense to the ebb and flow of magic in our world, and thus can sense when a great magical disturbance occurs. Certainly you've felt one of those heeby-jeebies already--that's Tirek's handiwork on one of my precious ponies.

His violent leeching magic, left unchecked, can easily rob us all of magic with no seeming end to his tyranny, but if you nip this in the bud and catch him before things get out of control, the land of Equestria would be very thankful for your aid.

More importantly, I would be extremely grateful, and I might even sign off on your plans to build that Crazy Land theme park of yours. Sure, the blueprints make absolutely no sense at all--making a water wheel a Ferris wheel attraction? Still, it's better than your previous submission of turning a bathroom into a water slide...

Ahem. Do note that I am placing a significant amount of trust in you for this assignment. It is by your actions that may decide whether or not Equestria continues to thrive, or suffer under the hoof of a tyrant that has no qualms with razing our proud and strong cities to the ground.

Do not misplace this trust, Discord. Because if you do, you'll find I can put my horn in very uncomfortable places on your person. By which I mean I'll likely shove my horn up your arse, out your nose, then bend it around to spear through your ears. Knowing you, that'll just be a light, tickly thing that doesn't seem like a huge threat. Believe me, I'll make it anything but ticklish.

Anyway, do give this some thought, and if you want to play Hero and save Equestria, please come by the castle for some more briefing on this giant leech of a centaur. I'll be waiting with a warm smile and happy thoughts.

Just don't twist them into a frown and unhappy thoughts, and make this into a bigger problem than it could be.

Best regards,

Princess Celestia

~~One Day Later~~

Princess Twilight,

We have a bigger problem. Plan D has failed miserably, and it backfired on us in the worst way possible.

Come to Canterlot at once. Be hasty, for there is precious time left to spare.

Also, bring aspirin. You'll be in for a major headache.

Signed,

Princess Celestia

...is Our Kingdom, Twilight

Dear Discord,

Do you know how fortunate you are? Do you?

You should. Taking into account your gift of my marbles, my weakness for a good apology bouquet, and Twilight and Fluttershy vouching on your behalf after everything you've done, bad and good, I've retracted my previous decision to have you recast in stone via Cockatrice after Tirek was dealt with.

You were to be released at Fluttershy's discretion, and that may not have come for a long time. Or less than an hour, depending on how quickly she forgave you for your transgressions. You might have been lucky, but the world may never know.

That does not mean your reintegration into our society will be smooth, however. You've pissed off a lot of ponies aiding that demonic centaur, and torched many bridges along the way to a point beyond repair. I've done what I can to make sure capital punishment will not happen to you for these particular crimes--the rest, however, remains on your burdened shoulders to fix, one rope and plank at a time.

For me, while I do believe you are regretful of your actions, I simply don't trust you to handle any serious threats beyond "E" in the APEX scale. Accidents and petty crimes are still reportable, if you so choose to flood my inbox with complaints of otherworldly dog urine killing your lawn. Again. But evil and extreme threats are beyond you until I see evidence that you are not so easily swayed by the darker temptations to usurp power or disrupt my ponies in a deliberate, harmful manner.

That evidence will only come with time, Discord. Or until the next threat comes and you prove yourself worthy of my complete trust again, whichever comes first.

In any case, Tirek is safely locked up in Tartarus once again partially due to your help, with Cerberus guarding the gates like a good boy--and minus one Warden Pyrefly, who voluntarily quit under the reason of "preventing a supernova." Hilarious.

But this also leaves Tartarus without a Warden. A ship without its captain, so to speak, but I'm sure Luna will make a fine substitute until I find a new one. I hear Tartarus has fantastic echoes, so everything should be just... peachy.

Ah, yes, one more thing. Your Crazy Land proposal is denied until further notice. Please do not resubmit it as a bundle of post-it notes with anagrams of my name on the back of them.

Sincerely,

Princess Stale Ice

Author's Note

Thanks for reading up to this fourth season, good folk! Also, the fanmail has been answered. Apologies for the long delay on the matter. Celestia was a bit occupied.

Letter from a Former Student of an Irritated Princess

Dear Princess Celestia,

It's been a long time, hasn't it? For me, at least--I'm not sure how it is for you. But I'm hoping this book still works after all this time, because I don't think we can wait for twenty moons until the portal opens again.

Simply put, a group of girls have come to the school, and they're a lot like me. Well, more like what I was. Worst of all, they're singers, and their songs practically ooze with venom in every word. They also cause people to fart green gas or something, and it goes in their magic gems on their brooches. I don't even know what they are, but I'm certain of one thing.

They are not from here. I know magic when I see it, and this is some evil juju. Even Twilight's friends here have picked up on their evil intent, so it's not just me singling out some new students and being a bitch here. They are trouble, and we can't handle them like this. They've already got a great deal of the school wrapped around their painted fingernails--except for one girl who, I think, doesn't know this is actually a school and not a buffet with multiple dining rooms.

I caught her eating tacos in the girl's bathroom once. It was weird. Don't ask.

But to the point, Twilight's friends and I need help, and the only way I can do that is going out on a wing and a prayer by saying that we need you.

I need you.

So please please PLEASE... contact Princess Twilight Sparkle, and let her know we need her help.

I mean, yes, this is a huge deal, but I don't want to bother you too much for your time on this. You have a whole nation to preside over, and Twilight... does she even have a castle yet?

Anyway, she came through the portal to help me see the light, and specifically with her help, I'm certain she and her friends can handle this situation while I... cheer them on from the sidelines and write this letter asking for her aid, I guess. It's the only thing I can think of doing right now, at least.

So if you can pass this letter on to Twilight, maybe she can figure out some bookworm science-y way to get here and help us before these three divas take over this school with my old song and dance.

Thank you in advance, Princess Celestia.

Your former student,

Sunset Shimmer

P.S. The other girls have a few things to say, so I'll pass this on to them. I'm sure you won't mind.

Celestia, this message is for Twilight. Twilight, this is Rarity. When you get this, would you mind if I measured you? I have some costume ideas in mind, but I need to get all the right sizes. I promise, it'll only take about an hour. I triple-check.

Hi other Celestia! Tell Twilight I said hi! You will tell her, right? Of course you will, who am I kidding! Also, can you do something about this Celestia's restraining order on me? Please? I want to give her a surprise party in her house again!

Rainbow Dash here. So, our Celestia is a principal. Is that kind of like what you do as a princess, or does that mean you do less because you probably have maids and servants doing all your stuff for you? Cause that sounds awesome! Lazy, but awesome!

Celestia, why can't the other you here say my name properly on the intercom when she wants me at her office? I swear she does it on purpose. Please tell me you don't do this to the other me on your end and--consarn it! My name is Applejack! APPLE! Not Cracker!

Um, this is Fluttershy. Do you own any exotic pets? Would it be possible for me to see them one day? If not, do you have any advice on how to properly care for a giant capybara I found last week? It's a rodent of unusual size, if that helps.

We Will Rainbow Rock You

Dear Princess Twilight,

Firstly, my apologies for not sending you a letter regarding the message in the book. I was remarkably busy, well, shuffling books over so you could restock your new castle. It's a good thing I carry five copies of all but the most dated of records in case of one of your "missing book" mental breakdowns again. You made me learn the value of having backups veeery quickly, let me tell you.

I assume by now you have settled Sunset's problem on the other side of the portal. Mayor Mare made a particular note of absolutely nothing interesting happening in Ponyville over the past three days, which usually meant that something interesting happened elsewhere instead.

And no, that doesn't mean Canterlot had anything special to do, unless you count me being short on eggs as something unusual. Luna's been baking up a storm of treats ever since... gods, I still can't believe it.

Those crusaders really are going to watch over Luna's dragons.

I don't know how those three fillies did it, but they won her heart over, and now she's absolutely adamant about having them take on this incredible responsibility.

Did I object to this? Of course! The last time I let children run around my castle unattended was last year's Gifted Unicorn field trip. That ended with all of my bad expectations met, and more, even if the kids had a blast. The maids are still finding cookie crumbs, balloon scraps and paper wads leftover from Runny Nose's papier-mâché mockup of me blowing a raspberry. That last part's actually adorable, despite her nursing the glue bottle she used for it like a juice box on that trip. While my vain hopes rest in that she only used the glue in the bottle, I know far better than that.

But Luna wouldn't have any of it for those three little fillies, and like all royal stalemates between us, we had to settle it in the olden ways of Horn, Hoof, Feathers. Best two out of three.

I lost. May the gods have mercy on the castle when we're gone.

We both know there are far better alternatives than those three. You, Spike, Fluttershy, anyone from the Dragonwatch in the yellow book would have been safe bets for me, but what's done is done. Now she's making sweet treats for them upon their arrival, and I'm stuck buying eggs at the market--two dozen, please--and she might need some butter too.

Yes, a few pounds if you don't mind. Anyway, I should wrap this up. Luna will want help in the kitchen to make some of her child-friendly Sweet Dream Delights. I'll add a note suggesting they eat these before sleeping, because those are delectably soporific.

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

No, I don't want milk. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

Membership card? What even--no, I don't have one. No, I won't sign up for it right now. Just let me buy--

Why would I want a newsletter? I don't even want the card! Can I just purchase the food, please?

Ooh, five bits off my next fruit purchase? That does sound lovely--NO, that is a distraction! Eggs and butter for now, thank you!

That Cutie Map Took My Job! Well, One of Them, but Still!

Dear Princess Twilight,

You know, when you told me that your new home started telling you where to go and who needed to be there, I thought you were kidding. Maybe you still had some relapse over the loss of the Golden Oaks Library. You know, something sensible that doesn't have your house become some unreasonable landlord having you go run its errands for it.

But after hearing of the strange town of equality and realizing that is the truth, something hit me, and I don't like it. I mean, I should, all things considered. Clearly this table is so worldly and all-knowledgeable as to see problems beyond the scope of my view, given I didn't even know of that town at all, and it wasn't marked on any of the maps we have on record.

This pisses me off. That means my mapmakers have been slacking on their yearly updates, the updates they promised would reflect the new layout of the land. Did you know I checked the most "recent" map, and it still doesn't show the ravine caused by Luna during the last Dragon Migration? How did they miss that? Simple. They just didn't do the work.

Well, I'm going to fix that. First thing tomorrow morning, they're going to stop by your castle, and take every note on that map they can. Please make sure they don't miss a spot--I know you're a stickler for accuracy in references and atlases, so you won't let me down.

Then, just to be sure that map is absolutely up to date, I'm gonna send them out to survey and confirm that the map you have is the real deal. It's going to be a long, arduous process that their lazy flanks will object to every day, every step of the way, but it's either that, or they're fired.

Is it too hard to ask that ponies that have a job to actually... do their job? This is just straightforward observation, note-taking, topography, the works! All I want is a good piece of parchment that tells me where things are within a certain degree of accuracy!

And I'm going to get it, no matter the cost. The post office still has the old maps, and gods know they need that if they ever hope to deliver a package to Discord one day. Which may or may not happen. It's hypothetical right now.

Please give them permission to enter the castle once they arrive, Twilight. This is a matter of utmost importance, and I don't want there to be any further delays.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, are you all packed and ready?

Good, I'll get my things set. You made sure Flint and Spark have enough food for the next few days, right?

Gem salads, cupcakes, and snack platters sound perfect. I'll just write another note to have the Crusaders come by, and, hopefully, everything will be fine.

Just fine.

Enjoy Your Sweet Castle, Twilight

Princess Twilight,

My apologies for being insensitive about the Golden Oak Library earlier. I'd forgotten how much that place mattered to you, and this tear-stained lashing of a response from you was... justified. Calling me a fat white cactus was a bit much, though. I realize my comment was a bit bristling, but you know that was uncalled for.

Losing a home like you did was no laughing matter. I'm sure you missed the sweet, sappy smell and abhorred the burnt char where that treehouse once stood. It was, by all means, a place you had treasured as much as your friends.

This is something I absolutely know your castle cannot possibly replicate, in any sense at all. It's too new, regal, and about as homely as a fancy hotel. It's a place to stay, but you feel like it's not YOUR place to stay.

Luna felt the same way as you, you know. During those first few weeks after she came back, she had trouble adjusting to the new look, the smell, and how distant it was from what she knew was home. But she made the best of it, and I'd done much within my power to help her acclimate. Reading, comforting, occasional pillow fights, the works!

And she came around. It wasn't instant--nothing like this is ever solved in less than a day--but it happened, and now she's happy, smiling, and putting a smile on my face in return.

I know there isn't much I can do. I mean, I'd sent you some books before from the main library and from my collection, but those were just basic building blocks to get your new library up and running. You could have had those ordered and delivered in a week--that hardly does anything to give you any sort of comfort, from my standpoint.

I hope you didn't mind, then, that I visited your tower here in Canterlot, and plucked a few books from the shelves here. Some of the ones you'd opened often, like your first copy of Daring Do, Encyclopedia Titanica, How to Tame Your Dragon--this one's a bit burnt. The pages in these are worn well from your use, Twilight.

And right now, I think you could use them.

Should you have read this far in, you should have received a few of these very old, nay, timeless treasures of your childhood. Just know that if your castle feels too uncomfortable, you have a place here to stay, if need be.

I'm sure your friends might have done something for you--assuming they pay any attention to your instability--and have made some sort of contribution to your castle to make it feel less foreign, for what it's worth. They mean well as much as I, and know that we're here for you, if you need to talk, cry, or hug. Just don't do the death grip if it's the last one, okay?

Again, I apologize for my rudeness earlier, and stay safe, dear princess. You need not face this dark time alone, for you have friends to help you with that burden, near and far.

I love you, Twilight. Remember that.

Deepest sympathies,

Princess Celestia

Luna, could you come in for a minute?

Oh, I just feel like hugging you right now. You know, I'm just so happy you're here.

Me? I'm fine... I'm just fine.

Author's Note

Fanmail is open, folks.

Just don't expect any answers today. Tia's a bit... occupied with thoughts and things at the moment.

Dream Not of Doom, Apple Bloom

Dearest Cutie Mark Crusaders,

A cutie mark is a big thing--it’s a sign of finding your special talent, and generally speaking, it affirms your best talent no matter how you slice it. It doesn’t change who you are, as all of you learned tonight, but there is something critical that I believe you three should understand, if not in these words, then in life.

It is important to know that nothing in this world will change who you are. There will be those that try to force beliefs or actions upon you, or otherwise change you into their ideal image. Still more may ask for change from you in a nicer manner, be they bosses or coworkers, perhaps even your family and friends.

But the only person that can truly change yourself and your personality... is you. You are in control of your image, and there will be times, especially in working environments, where your image may be different than how the rest of the world normally sees you. Rare are the ponies that don't have to make such a change, and those are usually the ones that are happy with the job they work in, and their personality causes minimal conflict as well.

I do not know what the future has in store for you, but if this sort of change does not come to you, that is all the better for your life and well-being. However, if you are not as fortunate, you'll need to make a choice on how to make the right changes to keep things amicable. Things like holding a disingenuous smile, or appearing bubbly and cheerful when you're not, even when you secretly despise ponies like the maids snooping around your room looking for reserve stashes of your moon dust. I only gave them ONE cookie, and now they're all chomping at the bit wanting more, more! It's lunacy!

Ahem. Just be prepared, my dear Crusaders, for such compromises that may come in your future. The best friends are those who accept who you are as you normally are, but if that cannot be the case, be prepared to learn a new word you'll be using often:

Acquaintance.

Also, while you're here, I'll lay down a few ground rules for taking care of Flint and Spark while Celestia and I are away for the next few days.

First, we should have fireproofed just about everything in the castle, but if they still manage to light something on fire, particularly in the kitchen or out in the gardens, call for help from one of the unicorn servants. Tia spent a good deal of time teaching them a fire-extinguishing spell, so try to rely on them if possible.

If, however, said ponies are actually on fire, use the nearest garden hose or water buckets we've had placed at most of the inside corners of the castle. You can't miss them, especially if you trip over them like Tia did last night. She's a bit miffed at me, but otherwise perfectly fine.

Second, make sure they're fed at least three times a day--two scoops, no more, no less. They also get antsy if they miss a feeding, so this should actually have been the first and most important thing, but I digress. However, do not overfeed them, or else they'll belch up molten crystal slag that will absolutely burn a hole in the floor, despite fireproofing.

Third, make sure they do not touch either of the pillows we've set up in court to fool the nobles. The last thing I want is for the nobles to believe they have free reign over the castle while dragons are roaming about inside. Flint and Spark really enjoy toasting noble manes.

Oh, Tia wants to add if that does happen, extinguish them at your discretion. Otherwise, redirect them to the fountains in the garden.

I think that's everything really important I needed to mention, but I may send some notes your way in case I forget something. Good luck, dear Crusaders.

You will need all that you can get.

Sincerely,

Princess Luna

Tanks for Nothing, Rainbow Dash

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I thought this week couldn't get worse. I mean, I put up with the fact that Luna and I had lost our substitute pillows to her pets' dragonfire. Shortly after that discovery, half of the nobles in court that day are sitting in the burn ward after unceremoniously deciding to stage the single worst castle raid in the history of castle raiding. With dragons roaming about the halls. The outcome was pretty much mandatory.

Other than the pillows, the castle was perfectly fine. No burn marks anywhere except for a few spots in the garden! Our fireproofing did the trick, so outside of paying for a few noble medical bills with their own tax money, issuing a VERY stern warning to not go snooping around my castle ever again without my express permission, and going around the castle replacing what must have been over a hundred potted plants and vases, the castle still stood tall. Nothing as permanently damaging as a destroyed tower or anything.

I believed that would be the end of the damages this week... until Cloudsdale piped up with a special report on you, Rainbow Dash. Specifically, somepony saw you in their factory wrecking their machinery, and eventually causing a meltdown that had not only brought winter to Ponyville too quickly for reasonable preparations, but singlehoofedly crippled the ONE town capable of generating winter for other towns not in the proper climate regions!

Winter is now delayed for every other town they haven't visited for a few months, at minimum. That is the extent of the damage you've caused, Rainbow Dash. And, simply put, there aren't nearly enough funds in the Harmony Fund to cover even a fifth of the costs at present time--it barely covers a fifth of the cost of rebuilding a new factory from scratch.

This has left me with little options--putting you through the court systems on crimes of extreme weather tampering and destruction of city property, is one method that would most certainly see you visit my cells in record time. While the city of Cloudsdale would see their justice done, you and I both know that doesn't suit either of us. I don't want to see you in court, and you don't want to sit there in a fancy suit with your wings tucked in like a restrained pigeon.

However, I have a far better option, one that will directly fix the damage you caused, in addition to providing a safety net in case something like this ever happens again. Simply put, Rainbow Dash, you will assist in the relief efforts for damage the factory explosion on Cloudsdale (lucky for you that Ponyville only got snow, and not hail, or you'd be helping there too). In addition, I've crammed a proposal down the Cloudsdale Council's throats in the creation of a second Rainbow Factory, separate from the town itself. Once they realize exactly how necessary that is--and how dumb I told them it was for them to just keep one and pray it doesn't fail--they'll approve it, and you will further repent for your misdeeds by aiding in the construction of this new factory.

This will, quite obviously, take place over a period of time far longer than the winter season, and you'll be spending a great deal of time away from Ponyville whilst on the job. However, I think this a far better solution than seeing you cry yourself into a puddle in my dungeon. Plus, you'll get to be with your pet turtle on weekends! You know, as opposed to meeting them through reinforced mythril bars once a month for visiting hours.

I think the choice is obvious here, but it's yours to make in the end.

Best regards,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. What's wrong?

...what do you mean the sugar is all gone? You're telling me you DIDN'T fireproof that?!

Well, you thought wrong! Come on, let's get going to the store before it closes! I need a cake tonight, and I'll be sent to Tartarus before letting a sugar shortage curb my craving! You keep watch over your sugar-melters while I fly away from this balcon-YYYYYYYYYY!

...yes, I'm fine. These bushes are quite cozy. Also, whoever put that carpet over the hole in my balcony is going to get a VERY important lesson on why covering up problems just makes them worse when they're discovered!

Most Wanted: Loose Apples, Raw and Unbarreled

Dear Sheriff Silverstar,

I thank you for this report regarding the vandal that's been ruining rodeos in towns across Equestria. It took many years to catch that pesky Trouble Shoes, and he's been on my watch list ever since his hoofwork ruined the rodeo here in Canterlot. Never have my nobles been so flustered in all their years of living here--who would have thought the chicken coop breaking open would turn them all into chickens too?

Except... well, he's not much of a vandal these days, is he? Now he's part of those rodeos he's dreamed of being in! He even learned how to use his talent appropriately thanks to Applestack's little sister and the other two crusaders, if I'm reading this report correctly. How very constructive of them... all things considered.

I digress. Now that Trouble Shoes has been reformed as a rodeo clown, and a VERY good one, would it be too much to ask he make an appearance at the next Canterlot rodeo coming up soon? It's not that I think he'd miss it for the world anyway, but this is just a formality. If he's going to wreck the rodeo again, I just want some advance notice so I can follow the action of nobles fleeing for their lives.

...actually, if he's free next week, I wouldn't mind having him as a bit of entertainment for some nobles I'm giving a bit of my personal time. They had the gumption to think that I have no understanding of class, and that I cannot be entertained through reasonable means without getting blitzed like a reindeer.

If Trouble Shoes says yes, I can safely assure them that I know all about having a good time without getting all peach-faced on peach schnapps. And I have a good feeling he'll say yes once those rodeo damage bills pile up on him shortly, so this is really an offer he can't afford to refuse. For discretionary purposes, I will further discuss what that means with him in person. Don't want any corrupt moochers on this deal. You understand.

If not, I'll figure something else out with Luna. She knows her way around entertainment these days, so I have nothing to worry about. Probably. If they get under Luna's skin like they did mine...

Er, do pass along this royal invitation with haste, Silverstar. Who knows, with how diligent you've been this past year, you might even get a gold star for your efforts. Think about it--a two-star sheriff! It's not three-star, but you're not saving the world from some fancily-dressed desperado here. I have to be fair.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

...Luna, please tell me that rainbow afro isn't serious. I know you took a look at professional clowning for the schoolchildren, but this is ridiculous.

What? Me, entertaining through clowning? Luna, they already have a good jester in you! What could I possibly add?

Oy... alright. I'll follow your lead. Just be careful with painting my face. I don't want to give the children a colorful vocabulary lesson later.

Yes, I'm fine with glitter too. Only a little bit though--don't go crazy and dump the whole bottle on me.

Discord Makes Friends, Keeps Enemies Closer

Dear Discord,

I was very pleased to see that you'd received the invitation. Finally, my mapmakers had gone to where nopony has gone before, and it seems their rudimentary sketch of the Void Plains had served the postal workers well.

Well, 'rudimentary' is a bit of an understatement. The landmasses keep shifting around so often that they remarked their sketch was just about useless other than to identify the entrance and exit. Their field report also mentioned some anomalous activity there, things like the Black Hole of Endless White, the Upside-Down Rightside-Up Flip-Flop Box, and a flying cow. I've heard of pigs flying, but cows? Now that's ridiculous.

Anyway, I was slightly disappointed with your actions regarding Tree Hugger. I know she can be a bit grating with her attitude and general demeanor--believe me, I've been there with her many, MANY times regarding her obsession with tree conservation. She got very fired up over how an entire forest had burned away to nothing but one tree some time ago. I told her it was nothing--they would come back in due time. I've ensured that will happen, but no, she wants justice for the trees.

"They have been wronged, and deserve proper respect! Are you going to just sit there on your gilded throne and let this travesty go unpunished?!"

You would have never heard a deeper sigh in your lifetime, followed by the second-longest explanation I had to give regarding exactly who is paying for those trees. Namely, me, Granny, and Mayor Mare. The only reason she hadn't heard of it was probably because she was sleeping through the last meeting when I had explained the fire incident. I knew there was no way they wouldn't ask about it, so like a Band-Aid, I owned up to it and got it settled quickly--I paid for the environmental damage, and all of us replanted the trees. There's little left to do but wait now.

As grating as she was, she backpedaled and admitted her "chakras were out of sync"... whatever that meant. Resolved misunderstandings make for odd friendships. Actually, I wouldn't call us friends yet, but I think we're getting there. One day, it'll work out.

That, of course, does not mean you should go off and banish somepony you don't like to another dimension all willy-nilly. Let's face it--you could have done that pretty much anytime before this with me, with Twilight, all of us, but you didn't. I appreciate that leniency, but please don't make that kind of threat again. That's a punishment nopony deserves... not even self-inflicted.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

...wait, where's Luna? She normally comes by around now, and the Gala's done and over with...

Aha! There you are! Why are you stuck in the garden with all this smooze?

What? I can't hear you. You have some over your mouth.

I said you have some over your mouth! Gods, is it in your ears, too? Just how did all this smooze get over your head? Did it think your crown was--wait, what am I saying? Of course it did.

Okay, okay... uh, you just stay right there. I'll see if Tree Hugger is still around. She probably got lost looking for the bathroom before leaving. Jenkins will be pissed if she got locked in a closet again.

Griffons Treasure Their Precious Stones

Dear Diary,

A postal griffon came by today, and tried to make me pay postage for a parcel in his possession. Namely, a box of fresh griffon scones I had ordered over a century ago. Never mind the fact that the delivery was ridiculously delayed, and the fact I had already prepaid that postage after fishing around for that receipt in my desk. Oh no, he still wanted that delivery fee.

Further, upon my query as to how Griffonstone was doing, he had the gall to suggest his words on the town were worth their weight in gold. Literally--one bit per word! Ponies are not made of money! I'm not--I barely qualify as angel food cake! And he expected full-price for something normally given out for free? Is this what Griffonstone turned into--a lawless land where one can legitimately charge a wing and a leg for rendered service?!

One stern negotiation later (coupled with an argument on the semantics of repetition, wasting words and clever wordplay), he agreed to at least make his words worth that weight, and to waste no time. Still rang me up to three hundred or so with his article usage. Clever bird.

In hindsight, this was but a paltry price to pay. I don't lie when I say I was elated when King Grover had stopped sending me ridiculous fees for border maintenance--HIS side of the border, not mine--and having the gall to charge me ten thousand bits to even have my reply land on his gilded desk. Seriously, when one has the audacity to have me pay to have my own words heard by them, I weep for their country. Then they'd probably scoop that up and sell delicious princess tears by the ounce.

It never occurred to me that the "good" king had been ousted from his throne, what with every griffon being sick of his silly taxes--you know, because money is always their problem. I suppose it was obvious, and probably a fitting end for such a wealth-obsessed griffon as him, although I did admire his good taste in jewelry.

However, fortune finally found favor for the other griffons freed from his rule, as Pinkie and Rainbow Dash had apparently set the griffons on the path of friendship instead of miserly behavior and greedy ambition. Or at least one where they stop charging each other for frivolous tasks. I seriously have my doubts, given that birdbrain bamboozler, but until I hear of a new king or queen on the throne, there is little more to judge at present time.

All there is left to do is wait and see how it develops now. Until then, I have fresh scones to eat.

Ah, these look... actually, these scones look like somepony threw them in mud, then blended in a cement mixer. But the smell is right, so they have to be good!

Ow! No! Not baked goods! Evil baked goods!

Luna, do NOT eat those terrible things! They are a baking sin on ponykind! I mean it!

What?! I warned you, but you didn't listen! Now we need two ice packs!

Pinkie better have fixed this travesty, or else she let this monstrosity continue to thrive and demolish griffonkind, one jaw at a time!

One Slice of Life to Go, Please! I'm Late for a Very Important Date!

Secret Agent Sweetie Drops,

Warden Airhorn issued a BAM breakout report. The Bugbear is loose. I repeat: Honey Boo Berry is free.

I should have seen this coming sooner. The warden noted Honey Boo scratched the letters "SD" all over the cell floor, walls, roof, bedding, and even the inside of his toilet. I think you know what that means, even if they don't. They had to remove a hundred-plus sacks of dates--dates they delivered in the first place.

Haaauuuuuungh... even a new warden on top of her game isn't enough to correct the incompetence of guards eager to misinterpret wall scribbles. On the plus side, Honey Boo gained a great deal of weight from them, so he should be slower. Or a massive flying wrecking ball. I just hope it's not the latter, otherwise we have a big problem.

Anyway, it doesn't know where you live as of yet, so you should be safe. Even so, once I get an update on the bugbear's location, you'll be the first to know. You put him away once--I have faith you can do it again.

I've also spread this alert to the other towns, including the Crystal Empire and Ponyville. Don't want anypony caught off-guard, but if the Bugbear does attack Ponyville, do NOT compromise yourself. Let the ex-Element Bearers handle it, as they're more than capable of doing so.

And remember--the less that know who you really are, the better. You aren't my third-best STABLE operative for nothing.

And please, please don't address me by my codename. This whole organization isn't supposed to exist on paper, or be acknowledged by anyone. Just imagine if the nobles found out I had a spy network--they might start getting paranoid, and the last thing I need is more paranoid rich ponies doing dumb things with their money like hiring their own secret operatives. In fact, it's also the last thing STABLE needs.

~Big C

Luna, why are you so panicked? Is something happening today?

...OH! THE WEDDING! Gods, I completely forgot! Ah, court starts in an hour, and they figured out my pillow trick now! What do I do this time?!

Yes, another me does sound fantastic, but where am I going to--wait. I do have something in mind.

Well, do you think we can make it to the mirror pool and back in an hour? No, let me rephrase: I need to do it in an hour, and you're going to help.

You remember our tennis games? Something like that.

Spike, You are Not Ready to be a Princess. Not Yet.

Dearest Spike,

You just couldn't stay out of trouble today, could you? Not that it's entirely your fault--there is another pony to pin some blame on here. However, you had still undertaken some actions far beyond your scope and capability, so let's tackle this one at a time.

First off, I understood that Twilight did need some rest and relaxation, but what you did to ensure that peace and quiet was more than a little extreme. I know this because that mare can sleep through just about anything when she's that sleep-deprived. So long as you kept the windows closed and the door locked, hardly anything would wake her up short of a bucket of ice water.

That's a bit dangerous, come to think of it. Once, when she was still here, she'd stayed up late doing some rigorous studying, then fell into one of her deep sleeps. A kitchen fire broke out about three hours later, but despite all the clamor of the guards, she had only barely roused herself to the smell of smoke and my voice calling her name in a panic.

In other words, nothing short of a loud disaster scenario could bring her back from slumberland. I think after today's events--or rather, you should have known this from the many, many times she had exhibited such exhaustion before now--this is sufficiently hammered into your head that when she sleeps, it's almost the sort of sleep one needs true love's kiss to break. Almost.

As for your other actions regarding her schedule and settling debates in her name, no, you were not, in any way, prepared to handle that. There's a reason she is the Princess of Friendship, and she knows how to word things in such a way that normally won't anger many ponies all at once. This isn't to say she's always got good ideas, but that doesn't mean you should substitute your own. As well as you may mean, putting good words in another pony's mouth is still as bad as placing the blame on another should it fail.

Beyond this, your greed in taking over a few of her relaxation appointments is showing you're relapsing once more, and although I'm certain we've talked about this before, I'll say it again: exercise restraint. Exercise restraint. Exercise. Restraint.

This ordeal isn't your whole fault, however. I'd spoken with Cadance earlier on her incredible control over the Crystal Empire and how not once she had any real incidents to speak of since the Equestria games. I had thought her management skills were on par with Twilight then, but after she'd put the big sleep on the summit planner, I had hoped she would at least pick up on some of the slack for Twilight as she was resting.

Except she didn't. At all. I couldn't believe it when she told me she had nothing to do because Twilight had taken it upon herself to handle almost everything, and then she just put the over exhausted mare to sleep and expected everything to run okay without her for a while. At a unity summit where an argument sprouts every fifteen seconds, and somepony needs to talk to the Friendship Princess about it.

At least Luna and I were doing our part to try and stem the tide for some of the delegates, alongside watching over the feast preparations; I'll be damned if that's not up to proper standards. Even so, there's only so much we can juggle all at once, and I made quite sure after today that Cadance needs to contribute a little more than plugging up a water main and presenting a gem statue so fragile a sneeze breaks it down immediately. Was it so hard to find a glue bottle? Really?

Anyway, Spike, you learned about how easy it is for power to corrupt, and Cadance learned not to be sleeping on her job when she puts another to sleep. I'm still happy everything managed to work out in the end, but this should have gone so much smoother with FOUR princesses and an assistant here.

Oh well. There's always next year.

Love,

Princess Celestia

HEY! Other me! Yes you, the one on the chandelier!

Don't look at me with those innocent eyes. You've been swaying the sun back and forth on a pendulum for the past ten minutes, and it's bugging me! So cut it out!

Oh no, there go the tears. Look, I promised I'd keep you here if you didn't cause trouble, and to your credit, this is the worst thing you've done in the past week. Still, you need to scale it down a few pegs. You're a princess, not a party mare.

Bonus: Summit in the Valley

Mayor Mare,

When I received your invitation to Ponyville's Local Summit just one day after the Summit here in Canterlot had ended, I wasn't sure what to...get from it. I mean, we just finished up a big unity celebration for towns all across Equestria and how it was all about them doing their part. I thought that was enough, personally, but I guess Ponyville wanted to spread that sort of unity within the town as well. Which made this invitation odd, because I'm from Canterlot. Canterlot.

Mayor, you know I'm a good friend, and good friends point out oversights like this every now and then. But beyond that, turning down this invitation really seemed like a terrible option, especially when I had the time and... ahem, 'resources' to be able to commit to that decision. More importantly, I came to see just what you were on when you thought of this.

And let me tell you, I was truly impressed. I didn't even know how you copied the idea of the unity statue--you weren't even there, so either somepony told you and you threw this together quickly, or this was a curious coincidence in your planning--but that mockup of yours with something from every pony in Ponyville was... something to behold in shock and awe. Mostly shock.

I still can't believe all the contributions I saw. No way could I have foreseen a sofa as the base, with a Marequin perched on top and allowing everypony to plant something on it that represents them. A small choker bowtie. A hat so frilly a filly could wear it as a school prom dress. A tail I think is actually an unwound game controller doohickey, or whatever the little foals play these days. Various cutie mark sketches all over the flank from schoolchildren that clearly had an argument over which one was best cutie mark. A garter that I recognize from a little while ago. Granny's teeth--that one's QUITE unmistakable.

And the proceedings were surprisingly handled well enough. Party favors made their rounds, the music was cranked as everyone got their groove on, and the catering was handled by none other than the Cakes and Apples themselves.

Speaking of which, everypony that attended this was lucky to walk away without gaining ten pounds from their sweet cuisine. As for me, you know I gained ten times that, and I honestly felt bad for my golden boys on the way home last night. Not that they complained--they've seen me through my worst, and this was far, FAR away from that incident in terms of both scale and destructive potential.

Overall, I'd say your unity party was a crazy, if slightly ill-timed success. If I were to make a suggestion, space it out at least a week or so from the nationwide one, preferably after--I have to get the castle cleaned and ready after my own big bash, you know.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

What? No, I haven't seen the other me, Luna. Wasn't the other you supposed to be watching her?

You lost BOTH of them?! Gods, can we not keep track of ourselves?!

That was rhetorical! Come on, we need to find them before they discover Hayburgers, or else we'll have to lug back our very personal wrecking balls!

Super Duper Party Pooper Scooper

Author's Note

Advance notice on this letter, dear readers: This is NOT the only letter I'm writing for this episode. The Yaks will also receive a letter regarding their actions--I am NOT solely reaming Twilight for everything that went wrong, as the Yaks have done more than enough damage to merit a FAR worse rant than what you see here.

Super Duper Party Pooper Scooper

Princess Twilight,

We need to talk about things. I didn't bring this up at the party because it wasn't the right time to ask, not while Prince Rutherford was having a good time.

But what in the world made you think you could successfully duplicate all of the customs of a country that had closed its borders for hundreds of moons WITHOUT having anything come from the home country? Worse, what even led you to believe that was a good idea in the first place? Because your friends tried doing something similar for you, and you thought you could try it on them, despite the lack of proper resources?

Twilight, one cannot simply tweak a friendship lesson to work for foreigners. It doesn't work that way, and accommodating to their customs is NOT how to welcome them to our home by making it feel like their home. If they wanted things to feel like their home, they wouldn't have come here. Their borders would still be closed. The fact that you insulted their culture by constantly disappointing them with replications nearly leading to an act of WAR speaks volumes of how close this came to complete disaster. And that doesn't even include the extensive damage report Mayor Mare filed with me regarding how many things were destroyed because of those Yaks.

You are extremely fortunate Pinkie had thrown together a party truly showing what Equestria is and how it feels like to be there, with fun, games, and only some occasional destruction. It's saved me a lot of trouble, and for once, I am in Pinkie's debt that this didn't escalate further than it did. She will absolutely collect on that one day, and I won't be prepared for it. I have a bad feeling about that.

Anyway, please remember: the visitors respect the home culture, not the other way around. Your research wasn't fruitless--just heavily misplaced because you actually weren't going there yourself. I'm sure it'll be of great help to you when and if you visit their settlement, so take solace in that preparation potentially still having use.

But should war actually be a real thing against the Yaks one day--given their general attitude, I still believe it could be on the table--I think I have the perfect solution. Just load up some catapults with mud and fire it at them, and watch as they destroy themselves over their appearance not looking "perfect" anymore. That seems to be their trigger.

One last thing. Prince Rutherford also acted rather brutish despite your earnest attempts at giving him his culture, so he'll be getting a response from me as well. It won't cause war--I'll make sure it doesn't.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Oh, hello Luna. Finally put your clone in the timeout pen for drawing constellation doodles all over your bathroom?

Oh, mine's taking a trip to the Crystal Empire. She wanted to see the sights and such, so I let her go. She'll also be asking Cadance a small question as to why she passed the buck on the responsibility of properly greeting the Yaks into Equestria.

Well, I can't have Twilight do everything for foreign relations just because she's the Princess of Friendship! We're picking up on our slack, and Cadance herself told us she was looking for more to do, so why didn't she do it? That's what the other me will find out soon.

How to Play: Yak-Attack

Prince Rusty Fur,

Firstly, my apologies that I did not enunciate your name perfectly, but at least it nailed your fur color. Secondly, while I've already told my student about the errors she had committed during your stay, she is not the only one at fault here.

When you came to Equestria to see our great lands, I'm sure you fully expected to see the wonders we had to offer, which includes our cuisine, landmarks, fashion, the works. It would have been a grand tour, and given your train ride from the Crystal Empire to Ponyville, you know this to be true just from the sights you've already seen.

So when Twilight presented to you some of your country's cuisine in her castle, you had knowledge of the fact that the borders were closed for hundreds of moons, including a full embargo on all trade goods between Yakyakistan and 'Equestia'--that's a lovely typo in this embargo document, by the way--along with every other country you could correctly name. Nothing short of some illegal smuggling would allow us to have anything from your country present in our lands, and obviously anything left over from the last set of trades months ago had long been expired--except for textiles, but those wound up being used quickly this year after a certain incident involving two of our towns. That's none of your business, however.

But do you see where I'm going with this? This means that you knew that anything 'from' Yakyakistan was a bold-faced lie offered to you on the silveriest of silver platters, and that they were instead done in the style of Yakyakistan. A forgivable mistake at least, but hardly a damning error worthy of destructive fury, especially of one that knew they were fake.

It's either that, or you were stupid enough to believe we had received anything from Yakyakistan prior to your visit in the middle of an embargo. Although, if we did, it certainly wasn't in anything Twilight presented to you.

Regardless, the fact that you should have known they were likely fake meant that your reactions to these "affronts" to your country were blown so out of proportion that I almost forgot what caused them in the first place. The Mayor whipped up an extra-long damage report, courtesy of you and your escorts, that details your razing path through town. It even has "psychological scarring of little critters" as something worth billing, and after seeing the remains of some of your actions in person, I have no doubt that is valid.

And, well, this is a fair warning, but King Worcestershire will know about your imperfect actions today. He will know because I've instructed the mailmare to give this letter to you exactly two minutes after your father gets his, so that when you finish, you'll look into his grizzled eyes and wish you hadn't done what you did while he wasn't there.

As for the bill, I also told your father I would handle it, so long as he handles you. I'm more than certain he'll take up that offer since I enclosed an invoice listing off a bigger damage rackup than most college ponies can accrue in a week of hard partying.

I hope your bedroom door is perfectly built to withstand Yaks, Prince Rutherford. I do look forward to your father's reply once the deed is done.

Best wishes,

Princess Celestia

Luna, why the wide-eyed stare? Is that a letter from Cadance?

What do you mean, "I'm eating their house?" I told her that none of the buildings there are made out of rock candy!

Yes, I get why the Yaks thought it was edible too, but that problem is not a priority now! I need to--wait, I can't go. That's too confusing. You need to go and get her.

Wha--NO, sending a clone is what started this mess! YOU need to go out there, and I can watch over yours while you're gone.

Oh, trust me, I'm totally prepared. I've taken the precaution of studying a distraction spell just in case. Makes a red dot that's irresistible to catch.

NO, I won't use it on you. Maybe. Now that there's two of you, I have a 50/50 shot of getting it right, so... no hard feelings if I use it on you?

Princesses Don't Dream of Sheep. That's Offensive.

Princess Twilight and Friends--nay, All of Ponyville,

I express my deepest gratitudes for your help in resolving a matter that has plagued me ever since I had recovered from the Nightmare Moon incident. Granted, this plague was one of my own creation specifically made so that I would never forget my past sins, but I never expected any of this to happen the way it did.

And yet, if it did not go this way, I am certain my cycle of self-punishment would have continued for years upon years to come. So lost was I in my damning transgressions against my sister and all of Equestria that I could not trust myself to freely move on without consequence, for fear of forgetting and eventually repeating ill actions in time. Little did I know that this simply hurt me more and more, until my fears had overflowed and threatened to take Equestria as its own being.

However, history shall not repeat itself any further. I cannot forget my past, my little ponies, but that is no excuse to continue reliving it. I am not who I was before--I am who I am, today.

Twilight Sparkle, thank you for believing in the me who trusted you to believe in myself. If that is confusing, don't think about it too hard. No, I mean it. I understand it, and that's what matters here.

As for everypony else, I thank you heartily for your efforts in containing my nightmare while I was having a mental breakdown. Were it not for your actions, the truth of Tantibus's power would never have come to light, and the world may have been cast in a deep darkness that we would never truly awaken from. You may all rest assured in knowing that the Tantibus will never haunt your dreams again, or mine.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have given my fear a physical form in my dream. In a world of dreams, we can do anything, and this is even more true for me, and apparently for my constructs. Now that I'm aware of this, I may utilize it in a different way. Don't worry--nopony will be harmed.

Sleep well, my ponies. And thank you once more for your aid in my plight.

Sincerest gratitudes,

Princess Luna

Hm? Oh heavens no, I couldn't ask you for your help. In fact, I absolutely did NOT want you to help me with this.

While you were made in my image, you do not bear the distant memories of my past sins. If you had helped, and if my Tantibus had decided to harm you... there's no telling how much damage it would have caused.

The last thing I want is for anything bad to happen to you. Or anypony. But it's over now, and--

Tia sent me a letter? I thought she said--nevermind. This is important. Do you mind taking over a bit of my court duties while I read this?

Thank you.

New Canterlot Boutique Chic! Dress to Impress and Find Success!

Dear Rarity,

Sassy Saddles? Really? That's who you chose to run your Boutique in Canterlot? Are you sure that's a good idea?

You've likely seen her résumé, I'm sure. I've even seen it, in a sense--she's worked at over twenty different high-profile boutiques all over Canterlot. All of which proudly displayed her name, what with her being the biggest promoter and manager they've ever had trot into their business, only for them to close for good barely a year in with her working with them. If they're lucky, they go for two years. A flash in the pan comes to mind.

But I suppose you knew all of this, right? I mean, you did interview her about her previous job experience, correct? It would be highly irresponsible of you to hire her just from looking at her résumé. And since I know you're a stickler for detail in your line of work, you would have asked her all about where she worked, what she did for them, why she left... you know, some of the essentials that her résumé didn't fully cover.

Well, she must have passed your expectations with flying colors. And like any good franchise owner, you probably told her all about what you wanted your Canterlot Boutique to be the instant she was hired. I know it's not like you to just wing it like Rainbow Dash, so you covered all the bases with Sassy on or before the grand opening day, just to keep everything on the straight and narrow.

Although... the day after your grand opening, the first thing I saw going through town was everypony wearing the same dress like they all came straight out of a third-world sweatshop. I know for a fact that's Sassy's hoofwork, since your usual work is all about making unique, flawless dresses and outfits, quality over quantity, the little things that highlight individuality instead of conformity, etc. I'd feared the worst for you, in that she had folded you into her designs for where your Boutique would go, instead of what you wanted it to be. Perhaps it was a grand miscommunication of some sort where she didn't listen to you at all--that happens all the time with the nobles, let me tell you.

But you finally said something to her, didn't you? Something that got through her thick skull regarding the fact that it was your business, your standards and your style, or "Time, Love, and Couture," as she told me when I stopped by a few days after you left. For once, she seemed more focused on your desires for the Canterlot Boutique's future, something I never expected to see change in her. It was quite enlightening.

Even so, I would keep a close eye on her. Just because you broke through once doesn't mean she won't revert to her old ways later. This is your franchise, Rarity, so you better make sure she keeps your standards close to heart while running it in your stead. Or else it won't be your business anymore; it will be hers. And we know what happened to those.

I wish you good luck with this business venture, Rarity. Remember to keep a tight leash on standby--trust me, you'll need it.

Best regards,

Princess Celestia

Evening, Luna. That's... Uh, that's my sunlight dress you're wearing. And what's with that playful smirk on your face?

Do I want to look like you? What gave you that idea--oh nononono no! You keep that starry dress of yours away from me!

Well, yes, I agree that wearing my dress is redundant, but that doesn't mean--MMPHPFF! Hey! I said I didn't want to wear--FFPHMMF!

Alright, fine! We can roleplay as each other for tonight, but ONLY tonight, okay? I don't want the guards to get even more confused than they already are with our clones. Or confusing our clones. Especially both.

Investigating for Dummies, Rare Edition

Captain Spitfire,

The Wonderbolts are a group known for being wise and tactful in their snap decisions for taking down some of the most unstable weather patterns in Equestrian history. It's a job that requires thinking in the heat of the moment, minds unmuddled by supposition and no reliance on blind judgment. Such is the legacy of the name Wonderbolt: to quickly pull off miracles in ways no others could do in a short amount of time.

So when I heard about the incident involving your disappearance, I expected it to be a brisk investigation, with no stone left unturned, no drawer unopened, and no curtains unchecked.

What I did not expect was a left-field accusation from Wind Rider against Rainbow Dash to go unopposed by any of the other Wonderbolts, then insisting she prove herself innocent of a crime she supposedly committed. Since when have we taken an inquisitorial approach for a military official's questionable disappearance?

Furthermore, if all of them suspected Rainbow Dash of the crime, why did they give her free access to the crime scene without an approved escort? And no, Rarity doesn't count, as she was a friend investigating on behalf of Rainbow Dash. Didn't they have any speck of common sense in thinking that Rainbow and Rarity might resort to means of lower integrity to prove her innocence? Not that I believe that would ever happen, but for a group that's prepared to tackle nearly every possibility, this is an amazing oversight left unacknowledged.

But maybe they were too focused on what they were going to do for the show later on, or perhaps far too occupied looking around the castle for you, and somehow couldn't spare a single pair of eyes themselves for fear of forgetting their flying routines, or coming up with new ones to make up for one less flying Wonderbolt. Then in that case, they should have alerted a guard to the situation. A situation, mind you, that I only found out about when I smelled some of Cinnamon Chai's baking prowess gracing my hallways, and a few guards that stunk of that decadent cake.

Incidentally, those secret cake-munching guards also got a stern lecture regarding the fact that they seem to have forgotten about the resting lounge I had set aside for them--the resting lounge they ate the cake in--and how I'd asked them to never overwork themselves. Tired guards are sloppy guards, but to insist I've never given them that sort of slack? Well, if they thought I'd cracked the whip before now, they know otherwise as of today.

But enough about my guard discipline--they are not the only ones to trigger my ire. Spitfire, pass this onto your Wonderbolts. What I ask of you is something small, easy to maintain. It shouldn't require too much thought, because it should be obvious from the get-go. Please, for all that is good and sacred, exercise some common sense before I exercise mine and discharge the lot of you. Don't worry, the Wonderbolt name won't go away--you've enlisted more than enough reserves for me to finally have the option of committing a full team replacement by now.

However, I do appreciate the Wonderbolts doing at least one smart thing today and stripping Wind Rider of his status. Good fortune has smiled upon us, because Rarity's investigation alone did not prove beyond a shadow of a doubt he had done it. She did prove that somepony else could have had the opportunity to plant the note, but that's all. The stained scarf implicating Rider could have been written off as a coincidence in that he "bumped" into the real culprit carrying the cake, and were it not for Rarity's persistence and his prompt confession, I have no doubt some attorney with half a brain would easily make that defense for him on a later court date.

But more importantly, that means I get to add his name to the invitation blacklist! For a good reason, too--that abysmal cologne of his is so pungent, other ponies wondered why I smelled like a stallion trying too hard to get a date. I was even using my other hoof to greet ponies, and they still smelled it on me. That's downright obnoxious to wear a scent so powerful it spreads to other ponies on contact--dogs have more respect for the trees they mark.

Anyway, keep up the good work, and ONLY the good work, Spitfire, or else Rainbow Dash might take your place. For good.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Right, where were we? Ah yes, I think Colonel Mustang killed Miss Pennywise in the Alchemy Chamber with a wicked tome!

Of course I know he's not a unicorn! He beat down the poor old stallion with the book, Luna Two! The book screamed and everything!

Look, I know it's dubious, but that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Can anyone prove me wrong?

...well, fine. I guess I was wrong then. Thanks, Tia Two. And wipe that silly grin off your face!

Author's Note

Greetings, good folk! I just wanted to leave a small update regarding a certain leaked episode making the rounds at the time of this posted letter.

In keeping with the spirit of the show, I will NOT write a letter for it at this time. EDIT: After reading some of the comments, it seems many prefer I release it in time with the episode's regular release. Hence, I will do so. Thanks again, dear readers! :ajsmug:

Bought in Manehatten, Made in Phillydelphia, Shipped to Canterlot

Princess Twilight,

Look, I get it. You're bored out of your wits with nothing to do. After reading a whole two pages worth of complaining about this table not sending you anywhere since the Equal incident, with the first page devoted to Pinkie and Rainbow and the second to Rarity and Applestack, I am quite thoroughly convinced of this fact.

And then there was the third page devoted to you having nothing to read. Seriously? You burned through ALL of those books I transferred over? Well, you should have told me if you wanted more! The Canterlot library refreshed its stock just last week after my insistence on getting everything updated to keep up with that pesky map of yours, so by all means, fling a list of books at me, and I'll see what I can do.

Now, if you want something more immediate to do, maybe instead of lamenting about your boredom, you chill with your friends instead? I mean, sure, two of them left, but you still have three left in your roster you can do something with, right? Maybe Spike developed some kind of gem-digging hobby you could join him in, if you're desperate.

But if you're looking for a particular assignment from me, I do have one in mind. You recall Starswirl the Bearded's wing filled with scrolls, books, and all of his various knick-knacks? Well, the place was turned upside-down in a ransacking, and absolutely nothing was left untouched in there. Now, I know it's not like you to leave a mess this horrendous, barring the magic broom incident, but we don't have a suspect pinned down yet for this intrusion. We're working on that, however.

In the meantime, it's been a nightmare sorting through all of this by myself. No, I can't get help either. Luna's busy tending to a few afternoon duties for me while I handle this mess, and the guards are busy keeping the castle secure as a result of this nasty ransacking. The maids are busy cleaning up another disaster in the kitchen after somepony tried to make a Moon Meringue Pie--I'm fairly certain pies are not supposed to wheeze and moan.

The Wonderbolts, perhaps unsurprisingly, have yet to respond to my call for aid. And while I'd enlist the aid of the townsfolk in this matter, that would also mean the press would have another field day belittling my security measures. Oh, the things you should have seen in the papers, insinuating that I've hired changelings on my staff! I--well, that's technically true with Cuppa Joe now, but not at the time of that article!

Ahem, anyway, if you happen to have the free time, I could use the help--oh dear, I stepped on a crystal ball. You might want to bring some boots in advance if you're coming.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Oh no no no, you don't just throw anything back on the shelf! That's not how it works!

Yes, there has to be some kind of organization! A method to the madness! Does your--I mean MY room look like this at all?! That's why I could really use help that knows how to keep order!

Augh, you really need to be taught some organizational skills, but who... wait. Waiiiiiit just a minute.

Yes, that is a lightbulb over my head. Don't know why it's there, but it's quite appropriate.

Author's Note

Greetings, good folk! Man, watching this week's coin-flipped Applebuck Season with a dash of downscaling to make things fit at the end was a simple, but effective combination.

Regarding my letter for Friendship Games, I will wait on posting it until I have a firm grasp on when it fits in the timeline of the series. Plus, I've started a small mini-arc in the ending bit for this letter, and I'd rather not shoehorn the Games letter into that arc.

Thank you for your understanding, and as always, thanks for reading!

Brothers Can be Social Butterflies Too

Dear Granny Smith,

You knew, didn't you? You knew since the very beginning that the Sisterhooves Social could make exceptions for stallions to compete in place of a sister. And yet you let Big Mac--sorry, 'Orchard Blossom'--continue with that ridiculous idea of crossdressing his way into competing? Knowing full well this would likely play out as an incredible disaster by the last event?

Your deviance is just delicious to read, Granny. Contributing an old dress and older wig to his scheme? Well played. It reminds me of when I did something like this back when Twilight was little. I don't think I've told you this story before, but I really should in light of your naughty plan.

One day, when Twilight was still my protégé, I pulled a little gender switcheroo. Not just a little crossdressing--a full-on gender bender spell. The flabbergasted look on all of my guards, and notably Shining Armor's face upon saluting His Majesty 'Prince Solus', initially made my day. Shockingly, the maids weren't too confused by the situation, and one had the gall to ask me if she should start changing the sheets daily instead of every other day. I really liked the cut of her jib...

Huh, I can't recall the last time I've been on a sailboat. I wouldn't mind giving that a try sometime.

Anyway, all of their reactions were nothing compared to Twilight's. I remembered barging into her room, asking her how things were as if nothing had changed about my appearance. Oh, how the gears in her head ground down to smooth wheels as she tried to figure out exactly what was going on. Was I really Princess Celestia in disguise? Some delusional stallion with misplaced memories? The victim of a mind swap conspiracy while a noblepony posed as me? I'll admit, that last one gave me a good chuckle.

I did give up the ruse that afternoon once she started looking into ways to turn me back to normal. I knew this joke was taken too far when she called in an overzealous doctor that was way too eager to mess around with my assets... and on second thought, I'm not even sure they were a real doctor. Who wears a straitjacket for scrubs, anyway? That should have been a huge red flag.

Things did go back to normal after that, although I kept her away from the medical textbooks that year. I admired her determination, just not the direction it took. I should hope that Apple Bloom and Big Mac took a lesson from this as Twilight had--she took about twenty different lessons from my prank, most of which involving a long mental checklist dedicated to making sure that the help she gets actually knows what they're doing.

Oh, and I should be free for 'that' trip this week. I found a sitter, and she's been reasonably informed of the situation here in the castle, so we should be all set. I'll see you soon.

Friends Forever,

Celestia

Ah, Twilight! I'm glad you came--

Clones? Ah, you mean Sunny and Moony! Yes, they do share a very... strong resemblance to us, don't they?

Yes, uh, near-identical in looks, but their behavior is far unlike anything you've seen from me or Luna. Trust me, the differences will make themselves crystal clear in no time.

Well, I've outlined most of their habits in the notice on my desk over there. But if you happen to have any questions, feel free to send a letter and ask anything you wish. I can fill you in on any gaps in information if I can.

Ah yes, there is one more thing: keep them out of the kitchen. No, really. Don't let them in there, no matter how much they ask you to. Keep. Them. OUT.

It's About Time Those Lost Crusaders Made Their Mark

Dearest Cutie Mark Crusaders,

Finally. You've done it. For the first time in... well, the history of ever, we have three undeniably similar triplet cutie marks. I don't need to stretch my thinking too much to see that all of you have discovered that you share the exact same main talent at the same time, which is a glorious sight to these weathered eyes. However, don't be surprised if your Hidden Marks differ--they likely will, and that's okay. You don't have to share everything. Believe me, that can get awkward very quickly.

Yes Luna, I am talking about my toothbrush. And my hairbrush. Just because you have glitter dust fights with yourself doesn't mean I should deal with the aftermath in my own hair!

Ahem. But those will probably come way, way later in your future. And with marks like that, I have no doubt you'll open up some Lost and Found Talent Agency of some kind. Helping those without talent find it, and those with talent to improve on it, sounds like a new sort of adventure that will never fully end for you. Talent is always out there, looking to be discovered or refined. So good luck, Crusaders. You'll need all you can get.

Oh, and Luna has something to say as well.

Hello, dear Crusaders. I'm so happy that you have discovered your true talent. I'm sure many others have expressed this sentiment to you by now, but this is a momentous occasion to remember for us in particular.

You may not know this, but my sister and I had discovered our talents at roughly the same time. It may sound silly, but it all stemmed from a small dare. "I dare you to... move the sun!" Oh, how she laughed it off as something impossible! One pony couldn't possibly do something like that!

She refused, of course, but I wouldn't have it. I upped the ante with a double-diamond-dog dare that I'd move it too!

No, I said I'd do the sun too! Tia, the moon was your triple-diamond-dog dare, not mine!

Yes, I'm certain that wasn't when we nearly doomed the world with a lunar eclipse. That was the week after the dare. Trust me--the blood moon is a thing I'd rather not live through again.

Now, where was I? After my sister's dare of no return, we had made good on our bets. Barely, but we'd done it. Knowing we could do something we thought was impossible...

It filled us with determination to do more, to better ourselves. It was the moment that set us down our path. I won't tell you what your path is--that is a journey you will have to discover for yourself, dear Crusaders.

Only now, you have a direction to follow. So follow it, and don't look back.

Wishing to your success,

Princess Luna and Princess Celestia

~~~

Mayor Mare,

Thank you for this informative report concerning some of these questionable school projects approved by the board of education, or more specifically, Spoiled Rich. Truly, her gumption to insist that a stained-glass window of her daughter is an educational piece the school needs to 'grant a grander appreciation of the finer arts' is the sort of legendary bullcrap my Canterlot nobles would dream of.

Rest assured, I'll come up with a proper response to these egregious claims in a short time. You'll know when it comes--you'll be the first to get a copy of it, before the real one reaches her mailbox.

Cheers,

Celestia

Author's Note

Greetings, good folk! My time's a bit cramped today, so I'll just leave two things here regarding today's letter.

For those wondering why I have no end bit regarding the clone ~~babysitting~~ tutoring, fret not. I haven't forgotten--I'm just not quite finished writing about this episode yet because SO MUCH happened in it. Which means...

There will be a bonus letter for this episode! :pinkiehappy:

Bonus: Fundraising Funding Should be Fun, as Should Playing With the Sun

Dear Spoiled ~~Bi~~Rich,

It's come to my attention that there have been some... 'curiosities' regarding Ponyville's school funding. More specifically, the lack of it after Tirek's attack on Equestria. Which is strange, at least to me. I know Tirek practically razed and wontonly destroyed parts of cities in Equestria with no regard. Ponyville was no exception, as he had taken delight in destroying Golden Oaks Library, various buildings lining the main road, and the school playground.

That last one had the least amount of damage taken to it, financially speaking. I expected another smoking crater of some sort, but no, Tirek wanted to crush more than just our stability. He wanted to break our happiness, and if the pleading letter sent from the students detailing how he'd broken their equipment piece by piece in front of their eyes, I almost felt compelled to say he had won in his disturbing crusade to destroy 'fun'. Crazy centaur.

Ahem, back to the topic. Following Tirek's wake of destruction in Ponyville, I asked Mayor Mare to assess all the damages immediately so that I might provide proper relief funding to get the town back in working order. I know she's a busy mare, and she probably took your word for it at the time that you would take care of things. Your husband is quite wealthy, so I'm sure you would have had things all figured out to do your part in helping the town get back on its hooves.

I believe that such noble, respectable intentions are more than worthy of deserving some merit. And had I heard of such generosity, I would have come down to congratulate you personally for such admirable efforts. Perhaps present a medal, trophy, or honorary ribbon commemorating your exceptional service to the community of Ponyville.

But this is not a letter of praise. Why?

Because you wanted to put a statue of your daughter where the playground used to be. Gods forbid the well-being of the other students in the class--your little angel must shine in the darkness.

It was bad enough reading about how one of the school windows was replaced with a stained-glass mockup of Diamond Tiara. Yes, I know Discord broke that, but that should have been a clear sign of how much power you were abusing in your position at the time. But now, with this whole statue idea you had planned instead of giving all of the children a fun, relatively safe place to play and enjoy themselves? Were you thinking about anyone else other than your daughter? Anyone at all?

Perhaps a little bit. I'll give you credit that some of the money I sent really did go into repairing the school building. I don't know whether you did that for selfish or generous reasons, but it's worth noting. However, you reappropriated the remaining funds for the school playground toward the statue, and filled in the gap on the cost by digging into your husband's pockets. You could have used all of his money for that statue and put it elsewhere, but no, it couldn't sit on school property like that. There had to be some money tied into the school to 'justify' putting it there, just as you had 'justified' that glass window.

I know what you did, Spoiled Rich. You pulled the wool over our eyes once, but not this time. You will pay for this, and it won't be with money.

Following the service of this letter, a royal guard will escort you off the premises to Ponyville's local orphanage. There, you will serve a three months of community service helping all sorts of 'low-class' children, as you might call them. Since you can't seem to appreciate any other child but your own, this should serve as a humbling experience for you to reflect upon your negligence. I serve this punishment to thee in the hopes of bettering yourself in the most straightforward manner possible, if only because I see a chance for you to redeem yourself. A small chance, but one nonetheless.

However, should this punishment fail to tender your heart, I could pull you into court for embezzlement, and you could be looking at a few years in prison for that. I do hate to separate mother and child, but depending on your actions, you may leave me no choice.

Consider your options carefully, Spoiled Rich. I'd hate for you to make any unwise decisions.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. This obviously means your position at the school board is hereby suspended until your punishment has been served. And I shouldn't have to say this, but if you try to pull another fast one, I won't be this lenient. Keep your hooves out of the children's cookie jar.

P.P.S. I suggest you hug your daughter before you're escorted today. She at least deserves that much from you.

~~~

Princess Twilight,

I'm left with mixed feelings about your work.

On one hoof, I offer my deepest thanks in teaching Sunny and Moony how to behave and be more proper and tidy about their actions. Finding my room to be less of a mess today has done wonders for me and the maids, and the guards aren't on edge anymore expecting a moon pie assault from unexpected angles and/or unusual trajectories. Luna's room is still a dust-ridden mess, but at least I can breathe in there without feeling like I've swallowed as much chalky earth as I have air.

But on the other hoof, I didn't ask for you to teach them some advanced magic lessons. Like teaching them how to better control the sun and moon, which I specifically taught them ONLY the basics for. If you haven't noticed from the rapidly shifting day and night cycles, Sunny and Moony are playing tennis with our celestial bodies, and to my complete and utter disbelief, Luna is the umpire.

All shock aside, this match is quite intense, since I've already received a pile of noise complaints regarding excessively loud shouting and grunting. Not just from Canterlot--it's gone clear out to Griffonstone. Seriously, have you ever read a griffon letter? Talon holes everywhere, and don't even get me started on the griffonage. I had to get my reading glasses for that.

As entertaining as this whole affair is, I need to get this settled and the world back to functioning order preferably by tomorrow, so as you get this, get over here and help me sort out this mess. I would handle this myself, but my sister turned the tables on me for this one.

And if worst comes to worst up there, please set aside a few hours for a bit of referee time while we sort out our problems in a doubles match.

Waiting for your arrival,

Princess Celestia

Hearthbreaking Moments Aren't Always Set in Stone

Dear Granny Smith,

A Pairing Stone. You want to get a Pairing Stone?

Granny, I didn't know you still had that romantic interest in you! I mean, not that that's a bad thing--it's fantastic--but do you really need a stone for that? Granted, I know that's worked out for Pinkie's family, and a Pairing Stone is never wrong, which is a much better rate than, say, a sorting hat.

I mean it. Pairing Stones are never, ever wrong. They will flat out tell you if you are meant for somepony for life, and if it won't last, they'll even tell you how long it will go down to the centisecond. Once I heard one say that a relationship was going to last for ten point forty three seconds, and ten point forty three seconds later, the prospective stallion's wife stormed in on them in a maelstrom of rage and mane hair.

Or I could be confusing that with this latest issue of Power Ponies. Either way, that imagery isn't too far off the mark.

Anyway, if you're absolutely sure you want one, I can put in a request for it. They're uncommon for sure, but not impossible to find. You'll get it within a week from your reply.

Oh, and you'll only need one stone for the family, just in case Applehack and Big Mac need it for any of their romantic pursuits. Although from this little letter you wrote about those looks your grandson gave Marble, I wonder if he would even want to use that stone. It is a dedicated relationship spoiler, after all...

Oh well, it's not my place to think about such choices. This is your stone, after all--discretion would fall upon you on how you will use it. Do let me know if you want a Pairing Stone; otherwise, I'll see you at Rainbow Falls in a few weeks.

And don't forget to pack sunscreen this time. It wouldn't behoove us to terrify the lounge ponies with another Apple Raisin incident.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

Oh, hello Sunny. And is that an eight-layer cake on that cart?

Wow, you've really improved on your baking finesse ever since the Moon Pies! So are we going to eat it, or--

You... want to... marry it? A cake? I can't even... what?

You want to marry it because you love it that much? T-That's not what the expression means! It's--wait, where are you going?

Don't! That phrase was sarcasm! You hear me?! SARCASM!

...she doesn't even know what sarcasm means. This... will be something to hear about in the tabloids tomorrow, I know it.

Think Like the Master, Scare the Master, Become the Master

Nightmare Night Planner for... what year is it again?

Not important. Ahem. Costumes are sorted out properly. I’ve got a flowing rainbow inside, gleaming white outside uniform--same theme for the hair. Hopefully the radiance won’t blind ponies tonight. Luna’s done up her hair in a ponytail and has some comically large angled orange glasses. Her voice is still in peak condition. We'll need that tonight.

Note to self: Luna was right. Anime WAS a good idea for us this year.

Sunny and Moony are also going, but chose their own costumes. They decided on plants: Sunny went with a happy sunflower, and Moony went with a pumpkin. I tried to argue against those choices, but Sunny was too happy (almost with a facade of some kind... it's probably nothing) and Moony was too cute hiding in one, so I let it slide.

The plan is simple: We take Canterlot, the clones take Ponyville. We acquire candy through any legitimate means necessary. No theft from other competition or handouts--dropped candy bags are NOT fair game if left unattended. This MUST be stressed with them so we keep it fair.

...should I tell them about the corn maze? Nah, they’ll find it on their own. Hopefully Granny’s kept the scares on par with last year. Or maybe it's better tonight? I'm sure the clones will tell us how that goes.

Anyway, we’ll enjoy our respective festivities as we see fit. At the end of the night, we meet in the throne room for a routine candy swap, board games (ensure Spooks and Adders is among the choices), and a horror film provided by Luna.

Second note to self: quintuple-soundproof the throne room. Double wasn’t enough last year.

Lastly, don’t forget to ensure the friendly headless spectral being haunting the west wing gets their proper decorative pumpkin head this time--zucchini was a horrid idea, as they were subject to too many "why the long face" jokes. That was not a good year.

Wait, one more very important note: double-check the Royal Handler’s locks on his cage tonight. If he breaks out, we won’t be here to properly contain him, and gods know his first target will be the nearest orchard. Granny will NOT let me get off easy if he gets all over their fruit. So we MUST lock the cage. LOCK. IT.

And the windows. The Pink One also likes to come tonight. I can see her now--NO! I am not handing out candy this year, Pinkie! Get out!

Alright... Alright, that should do it. Hopefully I’m not forgetting anything, including this reminder note when we--

Wait, it’s time already?! H-Hang on, I need to get dressed, Luna!

I know I should've gotten dressed first! I’m hurrying! We can’t let our clones beat us in the big candy haul!

Buckets? No no, I told you we need pillowcases! We must always prepare for the best case scenario!

Author's Note

*sigh* As usual, they don't follow the rules...

Anyway, since the episode was kinda leaked way earlier, I'll just... uh, leak this one a day early. I hope you had a happy Nightmare Night, dear readers! And may your candy bounties ever be good and plenty. :raritywink:

Discord? What ABOUT Discord?

Granny Smith,

Look, I understand Discord rustled Appleslack and the rest of you with his highly offensive comment to your lineage making reference to the fact that so many of your family members are inbred hybrids. I’m not going to say he didn’t mean it--the last time I spoke for somepony, they used that as validation for making a pair of wax wings. He was quite the crazy little stallion… was.

But no, I can’t give you advice on getting back at Discord for that comment. If I engaged in a revenge plot against an admittedly deserving draconequus, I get the feeling it would start a prank war initially fun to participate in at the beginning, but would escalate into some dystopian one-upping jokester society where laughs become common currency. I cannot have that on my plate for a variety of sane reasons, so I hope you respect my official decision to not assist you in this manner.

Unofficially speaking, I can say that you could potentially read the back of this letter, which may contain directions to an unspecified house in a chaotic land located neither here nor there, but certainly appears somewhere. And theoretically upon finding this house, which is generously calling what’s better described as a shanty shack with more hidden filth than Goldie’s house, one such as yourself possibly inclined toward sweet revenge may see fit to raise a new house upon the shoddy foundation and give the unsuspecting homeowner a most intriguing surprise.

Hypothetically, after hearing of such an extreme home makeover, I would be inclined to reassess the property taxes on such a locale, enough so that I might finally receive a legitimate payment not paid for in wooden, chocolate, and/or chocolate-dipped wooden coins. And while I cannot use said tax money as part of any reward for such a noble act, it would potentially curry favor for a future endeavor of which you will receive an invitation for at a later date. Maybe.

Of course, this entire situation is pure speculation, and is by no means an intended roadmap for you to follow. Diverting from the path is also possible at any point toward wherever you could go with it, but that is entirely your decision.

I hope you find a solution that works for you and your kin, Granny Smith, and I wish you the best of luck in making your decision.

Friends Forever,

Celestia

Ah, Sunny. How are you?

Fine, and yes, I did enjoy the wedding. The cake’s… erm, relatives were most enjoyable to be around. I’ve never had a more intriguing conversation with that oatmeal raisin cookie in my lifetime.

What do you mean you didn’t invite any cookies? Then who was I--

...unbelievable. I spoke with a completely sweet stranger, didn’t I? Fantastic, now I look like the lunatic.

Author's Note

Greetings, good folk!

Firstly, my apologies to those that expected a Monday letter. Illness is the darndest thing, ain't it? :pinkiesick:

Even so, I promised myself I would get a letter done for Tuesday, and I meant it. So here it is, and as always, thanks for reading.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be off ~~playing Fallout 4~~ getting some good rest.

McColt Fires One Out to Left Hooffield, and It's Going, Going... Gone!

Dear Fluttershy,

So I took a walk out to my garden this afternoon. Got some fresh air, enjoyed the warm breeze, the usual good vibes I get from trotting among the aged statues, trimmed bushes, and freshly-watered trees. You know, the usual Sunday nature appreciation hour.

Or maybe you didn’t know. Doesn’t matter.

Soon, I stumbled across some of the garden birds gathered around the birdbath, with Sunny sitting square in the middle. At first, I thought it was just another birdbath problem I’d spend twenty or so minutes telling her NOT to do, but she would do it again a week later like I never told her anything. And sometimes when you deal with someone as persistent as yourself (perhaps even more so), you learn to just take it at face value and move on to more important matters. But this was different. Very different.

They were reading. And they weren’t just reading any ordinary book, unless you consider To Feed a Mockingbird standard reading material for birds of all shapes and sizes, from the humble finch to my darling Philomena. Even Shadebeak was hanging upside-down in a nearby tree, holding a copy in its flesh-rending talons. And I swear it wore Luna’s reading glasses.

Why do I write this letter to you, then? Because Sunny told me that a little birdie told her a squirrel said a big brown bear talked about a book club you had hosted with your animals today, and Sunny thought it would be a fantastic idea to spread such love of literacy within the garden.

And so, for her sake, I’d like you to write back on what book will be covered next week. Or even a variety of books to choose from, so they’ll have options. I haven’t quite seen Sunny this excited for something since her honeymoon with... “Eggie Eight-Layer”, as she called him.

Hrm, speaking of that, I haven’t seen Eggie today… anyway, please respond within a few days, if you can. The sooner they get some book ideas to read, the less Sunny will pester me about it.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Do not suggest The Raven, please. Luna found that and spent a full week knocking on my chamber door--I’d rather it happened nevermore.

Oh for crying out loud! Luna, I’ve had it up to here with your rapping and--

...that is one massive cake. How did it even get up here? I-It’s not my birthday, is it?!

No, I’m sure it’s not today. Well, I suppose it won’t do to leave it out here in the hall, and it is snack time…

Hm, now how should I cut into this--GAH!

Hmm… tastes like cream cheese. This isn’t any normal cupcake sneak attack.

It’s red velvet. Well, if you two hooligans want to be THAT serious, I need to bring out the big guns.

Luna! Ready the bowls and egg beaters! I must secure the kitchen before they raid it for more ammunition!

Attractive Manes Alone Don't Make the Mare, But They Never Hurt to Have

Dear Appletrack,

Nothing’s wrong over there in Ponyville, is it? Is everything fine?

I mean, Mayor Mare hasn’t sent me any major damage reports over the past few weeks since the Yaks visited, so I should think nothing’s wrong. And I do. But there’s been a nagging thought that if I don’t get some sort of significant damage report, then maybe it’s because something so awful happened that nothing could be sent to let me know, you know?

Unless… the town wouldn’t happen to be hiding any damages, would it? Because that shouldn’t be happening, either. Especially not that! What good would that do for anyone unless the damage is so enormous it’s embarrassing to tell me? Are all the houses replaced with tents with houses cleverly painted on them? Is that what’s going on?!

Sorry, I needed to slap myself for that one. That would be plain outrageous. Yeah… just too crazy to be true.

Anyway, I have a question for you. If I told you I knew a popular pony you knew was about to be in some financial trouble, how would you react?

Because Countess Coloratura--or is it Lady Rara now? That’s what her fans have started calling her, and I can’t keep pace with the younger generations sometimes. Anyway, however she goes by, she’s about to be in some trouble with her taxes this year.

More specifically, she kindly wrote a letter to me upon me auditing her stating that she didn’t know how to file taxes. According to her, Svengallop had handled her taxes for her every year since she accepted him as her manager. After a brief inspection of his tax forms, I found out 'handled' actually meant he was claiming her as a dependant. For over a decade.

Upon finding this… irritating discovery, I’ve been busy for the past few hours lining up the mother of all audits for Svengallop that’ll likely break his wallet, and perhaps ruin his coiffed curls. However, I am still occupied with this task, so much so that I haven’t had the time to teach Coloratura the wonderful world of taxes.

That is where you come in, Appleclack. I’ve heard through a grapevine or ten that you know her better than most, and thus I personally request you give her the 101 on getting taxes done. I’ve already granted her some leniency by adding her unpaid taxes over the last decade on Svengallop’s tab (because why not, right?), so she won’t need to worry about that. The rest she should worry about, but with your help, I’m certain she can start off on the right hoof again.

And if you’re stuck, just pester Granny about it. I taught her how to do it back in the day, so she could add a few pointers in if need be. Should you succeed in this task, I would be most grateful for your assistance… and I would even make a concentrated effort to try and properly recall your name. That sounds like a good incentive, don’t you think?

Best regards,

Princess Celestia

Ah, evening Sunny. What brings you--what in Equestria are you wearing?

A-A Nippony pop star? Have you lost your marbles?!

No, those are mine. I mean, yes, they’re also technically yours--NOT important! Where did you even get this idea?

...wait, say that name again.

Again.

Again.

Svengallop... Alright. Okay, here’s the deal. I know you almost never listen to my warnings or suggestions, but I implore you to listen for once. Please please please reconsider absolutely everything about this decision. You don’t know what you’re getting into, I can promise you that.

So you’re firm on this? Alright young lady, I didn't want to have to do this, but if you really, truly want to go on tour, you know you're going to have to leave your hubbycake behind, don't you?

Take him with you? Don't you know Nippony idols have a pure, innocent image to maintain? Why, if ponies over there saw that you were married, you would be ruined! No no no, he must stay behind. Have you even told him about this?

Well, maybe you should have a talk with him. See if he’s okay with it, you know?

Good. Let me know how that talk goes, okay? See you later!

...I actually used her cake husband as a deterrent. What is my life?!

Somber Remarks from a Gloomy Commander

War Journal, Entry 447

I am trapped. Trapped in a war I thought had ended long ago, only to come back like a festering cancer.

Each day, Sombra’s crystal walls creep further, carving into the land and claiming it inch by inch. And with it, he adds more ponies into his personal little toolbox army.

Heh, toolbox… that’s what he sees ponies as now. Tools. Things to do his dirty work. Those Horror Helmets he made, how dare he… they keep ponies in line through nothing but fear. Monstrous things made worse by a monster controlling them.

He must be stopped. The war effort must go on. I will not let him take what he thinks is his. But that means more soldiers… I’ll need to send out recruitment forms again.

Granny won’t be pleased with this. Neither will Big Mac or her granddaughter. Especially her granddaughter. Applejack would probably strike me if I let her brother die out in the cold… or subjected to a far worse fate than death.

Heh, Mayor Mare would probably put in her two cents too. She would. She…

I won’t let this war linger any longer. Sombra has forced my hoof. I risk much revealing my trump card now, but if he keeps claiming territory at this rate, I won’t have a card to play.

Tonight, I visit the mirror pool. Corporal Dash and the Private Pies will come with. Luna… will maintain the front lines as long as she can.

Should this succeed, my little ponies will know peace once more. If it fails…

No. It won’t fail. Sombra has made it clear he cares not for the cost it takes to win. So we won’t either.

This is my last entry. My last hope…

My final solution.

This is Commander Celestia, signing off for, hopefully, the last time I ever assume that title.

Ah, Captain Spitfire. Are the troops well? I've heard them singing.

Stop their singing? No. In fact, I'd like to hear them sing louder. And that's not an order--it's a request.

Thanks. Oh, and could you find Corporal Dash? I'm going to need her for something important very, very soon.

Cocooned Requests from a Pupaic Prisoner

Dearest Queen Chrysalis,

Firstly, I thank you once again for exhibiting a small sign of generosity by allowing me to write these notes whilst contained in this pod. I’m glad you came to your senses in realizing that keeping us as your love generators meant we required some respectable level of maintenance. Not enough for free-roaming of course, but enough to keep us efficient!

However, as you know, each year keeps being harder on us. There’s only so much love we can give while we’re all separated like this in our isolated pods. Children can’t enjoy the comfort of their parent’s embrace, and neither can lovers or best friends. I know you’ve denied this request before, but I ask again to please merge some of the pods together.

And no, putting the pods closer to each other isn’t the same thing--proximity isn’t much of a grand motivator when we can’t hear or effectively console each other when there’s a soundproof wall or two in the way. Seeing each other has helped, but if you want us to do more, you should allow us just a bit more freedom for our senses.

Oh, and I wish to thank you for keeping my darling Cadance alive after everything went down at the wedding. You could have left her for dead, but you didn’t. However, it seems her stay in the Canterlot Caves has left her famished. I don’t need to be a doctor to know she looks naught but skin and bone from here.

Simply put, she needs more of your, uh, daily rations. You know, the green juice substance you’ve made from our love that tastes fantastically awful, but still filling. I’m told it’s not easy to make, so if it’s necessary, I can forego my ration every other day until my niece gets back into action.

I can promise you this, Chrysalis. If my meager requests are met, in but a few years, you’ll have more LOVE than you can handle. And we will love giving that to you when we are able.

Thanks for listening,

Princess Celestia

Oh, they’re bringing in more! Let’s see who came in...

...Fantastic. They got Zecora. That’s one less open door to consider.

Wait, the recording spell is still on! Oh, and now a guard’s coming by! They can’t read this last bit! But where do I hide it in a pod like… this...

Oh, this won’t be pretty going in.

Moonlit Musings of a Midnight Monarch

Dear Dream Diary,

Tonight, a guest visited our castle.

Tonight, we came so close to the power of controlling time itself.

Tonight… we were foolish.

Wait, why do I keep calling this tonight? There has NEVER been a day since my return! …or does that still make this tonight?

Nevermind! That purple alicorn and her dragon pet escaped before we could learn the secret behind their time travel… but in doing so, they left behind a very crucial clue: that lone table sitting in the Everfree Forest.

Whatever that pony did, that table is a piece of the puzzle. But my guards searched it thoroughly, and found nothing of significant use! Oh, they found drawers in six different spots around the edge that “looked like perfect snack compartments,” but what good are those?! When would we ever--oh, right. Moon pies. I should keep that in mind--

Ugh… Sister, we do not have time for you right now. We are busy cracking the mystery of the magic table! Keep it down up there!

Back to the table. Since the guards found nothing significant to activate any latent time magic, even with a myriad of rudimentary spells to goad some reaction from the table only to earn no response, we must conclude that there is another piece to make it work. A magic scroll, or artifact perhaps, but we do not recall any such things for time travel existing before our dear sister sent us away.

Did that pony invent it herself, then? Or… did that old fool of a court mage…?

Well well, it seems we’ll have to visit Canterlot. What’s left of it, anyway--THAT is the TENTH stained-glass window you’ve broken in two hours, Celestia! Just because I threw one rock at you every night for a thousand years doesn’t mean you get to throw as many as you want in my eternal night! You’ll run out that way!

...Ahaha, she will run out of rocks to throw! What will you do THEN, sister?! Ahahahahahahahaha-OOF!

...I don’t think I’ve thrown a piece that large before. But forget the windows! She destroyed my room! My bed and carpet are ruined! RARITY!

Fix this at once! ...What do you mean you only do tapestries and dresses? Did we hire you for sass?!

...Fine! We’ll see if that farm mare can fill in the hole in the floor and bed while you handle the carpet. You know, the one that looks like she grows citrus. Or pears, maybe.

We do not care what she grows! Just get her here!

You are dismissed. In the meantime, I have some other rubble to sort through--

What the? Is that… us? Does that mean we’ve found out how to travel through time?!

Perfect! Tell us where it is, and we shall--um, no, the table is perfectly fine. Why do you ask?

You dare insist that something will happen to it? In our kingdom?! Hah, the only thing that’s going to happen is us using it to travel through time! Now tell us where we can find--

Oh moon pudding, she’s gone! Oh well, we learned she found it, which means we can find it too! And what’s the worst that could happen to that table, anyway? My sister crushing it with more moon debris? What lunacy! She doesn’t even know where it is!

Now, it’s finally time for my departure. We shall see who gets the last laugh, little purple alicorn! Ahahahahahahahahahaha-OW! That is NOT funny, sister! Do you have any idea how long it took Rarity to apply my mascara?!

Bonus: Once in a Blue Moon, the Moon Talks Back

Moon Journal, Year… three? Four? Is it four?

Oh, who am I kidding? I can barely keep track of how many moon stones I’ve cast in the past minute, let alone gauge my current length of imprisonment. At least Luna had the satisfaction of knowing when a day passed just from me shifting the sun and moon every morning and evening.

Progress on escaping has been less than ideal. Manipulating loose rocks and debris on the moon’s surface had been the most I could manage for the past few years, but moving myself or the moon as a whole is still on lockdown thanks to Luna’s magic.

Heh. Luna. I’m still calling her that, even though she constantly calls herself Nightmare Moon nowadays, at least from how she shouts her name at me like it’s a validating statement that she’s really changed.

...But if she keeps calling me her sister, how much has she changed? Hm, I wonder if she’s free to talk about that right now. Three taps on the tower wall should do.

Busy with a magic table? Really? Is her life really so boring that she’s thinks spending time examining enchanted furniture is more important than speaking with me?!

Well, I’ll be fair. It could be very important to her, but if it is, then I should try to do something about it. I must stop whatever her plan with it is from coming to fruition… and yet I have no idea of what her plan is.

Yeesh, is this what she’s spent her time doing in here? Plotting for things that could mean anything or nothing and senselessly chucking stones in the meantime?

If nothing else, stones always get a reaction. Ooh, there’s an unbroken window on her tower I haven’t graced with lunar greetings! This moderate-size one should do.

Run out? Who does she take me for, a fool? Of course I know I’ve thrown… I don’t know how many rocks so far and--oh no she didn’t. She. DIDN’T!

I’ll show YOU what I think about this limit! You can take THIS and shove it in your snake-toothed piehole!

Huh. I can’t believe I threw one that big. Luna hasn’t thrown one that big. Wait, if I threw a chunk that big, would that mean I could throw…

Well, that’s something I could try tonight. But if the whole moon won't budge, I'll ship it piecemeal. That should be feasible. Luna may have her ‘eternal’ night for now, but soon, she won’t have much of a moon to be proud of.

But I also need a good landing spot to minimize collateral damage. Hrmm... hey, that white circle in the Everfree seems like a good spot to land! Seems a bit pinpoint though... but I could make it a bullseye with some more debris. That should make it a bit easier to aim for.

Have one more stone, dear sister. I’ll be coming home soon.

Author's Note

"Good gods! I'm all over the place up there! My train of thought derailed so many times I'd be better off with something offroad instead!"

Isn't this what your sister dealt with up there? For a thousand years?

"...Okay, that's true, but I just can't believe how cuckoo I sound in just a few years!"

Are you implying that's not how you sound now? What with the clones, the hubbycake...

"...You talk too much. Get back to work."

Fine, fine. Also, I'd like to thank that howard person for thinking of a better idea than wait for some stars to aid her. Because who has time for that these days?

Dubious Diction from a Royal Jester

Dear Journal,

Incredibly, Discord decided to update our clown outfits today by adding shiny red noses and changing out our wigs from balding to afro. Smiling seems like the proper response to having more hair, but I’ve had too much of his shenanigans to smile in earnest anymore.

Catching him with his proverbial (or literal) pants down remains the most difficult challenge to date. Of course, Luna remains optimistic we’ll get him. “Rainbow magic can--and will--work, Celestia!” Dear sister, I wish I could share in your enthusiasm.

If we could obtain those Elements he so generously flaunts on his upside-down slanted throne, I would gladly take them and use them in a heartbeat. Sadly, he makes sure a great deal of his time is devoted to keeping an eye on us. Watching, waiting for any sign that our current arrangement doesn’t satisfy either of us anymore. I’ll be honest--at this point, it really isn’t.

Lately, his demands of us have grown more ridiculous. “Laps! I want a thousand laps, my royal fools!” Never have I felt so humiliated in my life running track for a draconequus on a unicycle! Gods have mercy on my legs, for they burn and ache with misery akin to my Royal Guard training program.

Though I must admit many of his demands have given me so much exercise I’ve actually lost weight! Offering my thanks to him would seem beneficial just for that alone…

No, I must stay firm. Even if he’s helped me do something I’ve struggled for years to do myself, the other things he has done here cannot stand as they are. Getting better terms on our foolish deal is paramount to our success in making sure Equestria isn’t a complete madhouse. Other ponies must not be caught in his sights, and we must keep him entertained and away from them while we figure out a better way to deal with him.

The time for another friendly chat is coming soon. If I’m reading this journal entry correctly, it seems he’s willing to come to new terms as well. As I thought, he’s definitely been spying on me and my journals, but cursing my diction to hide his responses is insanely clever, if needlessly complex and... ugh, nonsensical.

Time is wasting the longer I spend writing this journal. Everfree border in ten minutes, Discord; don't keep us waiting.

Woes of a Tyrant's Target... and Probably the Tyrant Too

Dear Diary of Forgetting,

I invoke the terms of the magic concealed within these pages to aid me in scrubbing away some memories I wish to forget immediately. And specifically sections of this memory ONLY--forgetting my own birthday was stupidly cruel just because I mentioned one particular birthday and forgot to mention I wanted to keep that general knowledge. Tighten the reins, you callous book!

Ahem. Everything began just a few days ago, when Tirek burst out of Tartarus. Raiding the cities for the magic of my dear ponies, he had grown to a substantial threat that could stand on par with alicorns, and naturally overtake us should he succeed in his plot to steal all magic from Equestria. Worse, Discord joined and expedited his conquest, cutting our options short and leaving us strapped for time.

The plan to handle this was simple, in theory. Runny Nose, our recently crowned Princess of So Many Nasal Allergies I Bit My Tongue Trying to Pronounce Them All So I Came Up With This Long-winded Title Instead… why did I even give her that title? How drunk was I when she got her wings? I need to remember to correct this as soon as possible, preferably changing it to something short and sweet. Princess of… Tissues? Snot Shots? Allergies? Maybe allergies.

Anyway, we had pooled all of our magic into her. The idea was to keep her in hiding, our treasured pony magic safely stashed away from Tirek. This silent operation backfired almost immediately when we learned that our magic… ‘amplified’ her sneezes. Upon her first sneeze, she had left a blob of green ooze so viscous and sticky I would mistake it for Smooze had I not known the source.

She also stuck us to the back wall of the throne room with it. Not that we had planned on going anywhere after transferring our magic, but we really didn’t feel like sticking around in a literal sense. But those were the cards we were dealt, and we had to play accordingly.

Runny ran away to safety away from Canterlot, and soon, Tirek came to take what he believed was his to rob. His face, however, quickly changed from teeth-bearing glee to disgusted confusion. “Why are they pinned to the wall like this, Discord?!” he bellowed with equal parts horror and rage.

Discord shrugged. “I don't know, but ‘snot me.”

Oh, the grimace on Tirek’s face was truly priceless. I would have recorded it for playback… if I had magic. But as it stood, he was fuming, and sent us down to Tartarus with due haste. Our giggle fits probably hastened the ordeal, but we didn’t care. He’d chained us up and left us devoid of access to the arcane.

We were surely doomed.

And then, just a few hours later, we were saved. Runny’s phlegm, unbelievably, saved us all.

Despite the unusually filthy circumstances, Tirek was quite desperate to claim the alicorn power. So desperate, in fact, he was apparently willing to swallow... gallons upon gallons of--hurk… Runny’s mucous.

And according to her, he went at it for at least ten minutes before sucking her nose and magic dry. I’m not quite sure how Tirek managed it, but he did. And for a time, he’d completely attained all the magic Equestria had to offer. Scarring our land with reckless abandon, he trekked across the valley and blasted the earth like a destructive child in a sandbox.

All hope seemed lost… for about five minutes. Tirek’s stomach caught up with his revolting act, and by a miracle the likes of which I wish to forget, Tirek purged our magic out of him. Runny spent so much time outlining the graphic nature of his purge I required three empty buckets just to listen to this other half of something I wished I never heard in the first place.

Tirek’s back in Tartarus, and if Runny’s right, I don’t believe he’ll break out again lest he deal with her… unique nose.

And that’s the summation of the events that happened over the past few days. I request that anything involving Runny Nose in this memory be purged so that I won’t gag thinking about it ever again. In case I’m not clear, I want ONLY what was mentioned in this memory erased--I don’t want to forget her admittedly nasty ascension where she broke out of a well-spun booger cocoon at the end. That’s at least tolerable, understand?

…Hah! I don’t feel sick thinking about this anymore! Thank you, Forgetting Diary. Now then, time to make sure the Princess of So… so little? Many? What WAS her title?

…Ponyfeathers, not again!

Logs of a Starship Captain

Log Entry 001

Captain Luna… I still need to adjust to that name. It’s still all too easy for me to react to others calling me Princess Luna, too soon to escape the old title just yet. After all, I can hardly call myself a princess of a desolate wasteland, especially one we can no longer thrive in.

The starship still holds firm--Moon Dancer’s paranoia of even the smallest breach in the hull has easily kept the ship safe. As it should--this was her idea, scaled to a size beyond even her imagination. She’s done herself proud with this accomplishment--I can only hope it doesn’t get to her head that her ship is infallible… unsinkable.

Yet we had not named it. Oh, we’ve called it many things during its planning and construction: Big Boat, Enterprise, Voyager, and even Equinox came to pass, but none of them had really stuck. Not that we had the time to think of a name. With the Tree of Harmony dead and withered, time was against us as the land weathered and wore away before our very eyes.

Fortunately we’d succeeded, and once more we repeated a history lesson of old: if the land has forsaken us, we must seek a new land to prosper in. I have faith we will find such a place that might accept us, as does my sister. ‘Tis this hope that drives us forward now, into the sea of stars and worlds unknown.

However, others aboard the ship do not share our admittedly idealistic goal. Some believe we’ll simply live on the ship for the rest of our days, and in a sense we can do that. It’s not ideal, however--this ship was designed for travel and temporary residence, and I would rather not have it be permanent if possible. We’d have to get out the tin of straws, and nopony likes drawing straws.

Yet others think we’re wandering aimlessly in an iron coffin. I can’t fault them for thinking that way about the current situation, but at the same time, I wish to prove them wrong. Already we have a few prospective planets derived from the star charters--the purple one in particular shows great promise in this field--and with the course set, all we can do is wait and see what we’ll find out there.

If nothing else, the children still smile, believing we will find greener pastures to settle in. They dream of playing in flowery fields and clear blue skies once more, and swimming in lakes like the days of old.

I shall see to it that they won’t need to dream to do that.

Captain Luna, signing off.

Yes, come in. And what is your name, little one?

Pipsqueak, is it? Well, you are most welcome for staying on this ship, and I thank you personally for keeping thy spirits high.

Hm? A name for the ship? Well, it is true we haven’t come up with one yet, but I’m open to suggestions.

Hayfarer? Haha, clever. We are all wandering travelers now… this might stick after all.

...Say, would you like a promotion? How does Pipsqueak, Chief Ensign of Cookies sound?

Perfect! Now, Chief Ensign of Cookies, are you ready for your first order? Please report to Officer Pinkie Pie in the kitchen. I do believe it's a good time for you to share your promotion with the other children, wouldn’t you say?

Re: Cutie Marks and New Friendship Student

Dear Princess Twilight,

Goodness, you’ve gone through quite the harrowing ordeal, haven’t you? Visiting alternate worlds where villains of all names and colors ruling and ravaging the lands must have been terrifying to bear witness to--Gods know I’ve wondered exactly what my status was in such horrifying times. Although... there’s been some other issues that took place while you were busy.

I mean, I had just penned up a letter asking where in Equestria you were concerning a few unusual wormholes by the time you wrote to me saying you’ve taken a new student under your wing who had once plotted to alter the timeline. Of course, you’ll still receive that letter, but for now let’s discuss your predicament.

Now, while I’d love to indict your curiously-named student (Starlight Glimmer? Really? You’re pulling my leg on this, right? Or am I going to hear about somepony else called Moonlit Glitter in a month?) on the grounds of theft and the misuse of magical artifacts, not to mention the greater crime of time tomfoolery, I can’t do any of that now because Starswirl’s scroll is gone. No evidence of tampering existing might as well mean she never committed a crime at all in this timeline. Well, until she confessed to you, at least.

Anyway, the bigger point is this ordeal isn’t in my jurisdiction. You’re the Princess in charge over there, so clearly you’ve thought long and hard about her proper punishment, and made a choice that absolutely everyone is satisfied with. And that choice, for some reason, wasn’t immediate imprisonment in Tartarus for the crimes she had confessed to. Even for a month or two, at least.

But I’m sure you know what you’re doing, letting this obsessive stalking mare off with a slap on the hoof after almost nearly redirecting our happy little timeline. Taking her on as your protege and simultaneously putting her on probation probably was a sound decision compared to just throwing her in Tartarus. After all, we have one permanent resident in there. Even though the last thing he’d want is a friend, a fellow cellmate would improve his chances to not be an irredeemable prick…

Mental note: Discuss with the Warden new cellmate candidates.

Ahem. I do see this new relationship with Glimmer as a net positive, however. Especially after I tracked down that Unicorn friend that abandoned her to attend my school. Would you believe me if I said he’s worse than my nephew, and that she’s MUCH better off without him?

Would you believe me if I said he was ten times worse considering he spoke so highly of himself he stands on a pedestal higher than royalty?

Pay attention to tomorrow’s Canterlot Courier newspaper, Twilight. That pedestal’s going to fall, and I may or may not be the one to give it a little push.

Best of luck,

Princess Celestia

Sunny?! Why are you crying, dear?

Somepony… ate your hubbycake?! No! Who would do such a thing?!

Don’t worry, Sunny. Your husband will be avenged.

…A private investigator? Well, if you wish, I do have one in mind, but I’d rather not get her involved unless you really want--

If you insist. I’ll contact her right away. Just be prepared; she can be quite… unorthodox.

Hm? Oh, those are cookie crumbs on my desk. Don’t get paranoid, Sunny. I wouldn’t want your husband dead and eaten.

Bonus: The Cult of Smiles and Sunshine

The happiest journal entry ever! Especially more than last week’s entry, which was still totally happy!

Today was incredible! Princess Pinkie finally taught me to smile through every word I speak until I learn how to smile naturally forever! No more sad faces for this princess, because frowns mean the fungeon. It’s not as fun as it sounds, but still sort of fun depending on how much one enjoys restraints. And being tickled with your own wing feathers. So many ticklish feathers, hahaha!

It still hurts to laugh, unfortunately. I’ve tried to laugh like she does, but it’s so hard to keep it going as long as her, and I get so winded keeping up with her. But Pinkie is persistent. She’ll come again tonight from the closet--or did she say the bathroom drain this time? Doesn’t matter; she’ll come and teach me how she breathes. There’s so much I still have to learn from her on how to be the second-happiest princess in the world! Can’t be the first, though; that’s her title, our Princess of Happiness.

Oh, and today I got a new best friend! She looks exactly like me, walks and talks like me, and even shares all of my hobbies and snacking habits. I don’t even remember when she got here, but I’m quite happy she’s here anyway! She’s like an awesome sister I never had! She even watches over me while I sleep in case somepony wants to snatch me away at night, like a guardian angel!

I’ve been having some funny dreams, though. Dreams of me, back when I wasn’t smiling so much. But when I did, it felt… warm and pleasant. Not that smiling isn’t nice now, but it’s not… not the same. And there’s this dark mare there too, but she doesn’t smile like me. She actually looks kind of sad, and she tells me things that make my head hurt. And my chest. I haven’t told Pinkie yet, and I don’t know why, but I don’t think she should know.

I wonder if I can find her out there somewhere. She wants me to leave this place too, even though it’s very nice here. Pinkie said the outside is fun too, but only when you’re with someone you know… but I feel like I know that dark mare, so that’s okay, right? It has to be! Maybe she’ll be fun to hang around!

That settles it! Tomorrow, I’m going to look for her, and ask her why she keeps making sad faces in my dreams. Oh, but Pinkie will be mad if she doesn’t know where I am… Aha! I’ll just leave a note for her saying I’m fine and looking for a new friend! That should be okay.

Signed with Love and Happiness,

Princess Celestia

Oh, hi twin sis! What’cha doing?

Watching me again? But you do that every night! Can’t we do something different?

I was thinking we could get out of this stuffy room, visit the gardens or the town of Grin-A-Lot. Get some fresh air, you know? Can we do that? Please? Pleeeeease?

Yes, I’ll stay away from the train station. I won’t wander that far. I promise!

Friendship: The Game (If I have to suffer, you're going to suffer with me!)

Dear Twilight,

Today started off fine. Just another typical afternoon watching Sunny play in the garden, singing with the birds and the like. Luna’s been busy with Moony caring for her dragons--who would have thought a lightheaded version of herself was just what those creatures needed when those Crusaders aren’t around? At the very least, I’m finding less scorch marks in the castle, and the smell of smoke isn’t as pungent these days.

Then something happened that I thought you might be aware about. Small and massive tears in the skyline opened up into some other world. I initially thought this was Discord’s handiwork ever since he tore open such a hole back at the Gala, but apparently Fluttershy expressly forbade him from ever opening wormholes since that night. Much to my surprise, he’s actually abiding by this ban.

I think… he might be fully whipped by now. But at the same time, he’s Discord. The second he becomes predictable is the moment I start a pastry-free diet. And both of us know how unlikely those choices are…

…Wait, would that make it more likely to happen if he and I think it won’t? He wouldn’t take that as a challenge, would he? Maybe… I just won’t tell him about this proposition. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt me.

Anyway, he didn’t make the portals, and that was quite bothersome. But before I could even figure out what was really going on with the portals, they closed. Zipped up and vanished with nary a trace they were ever there. Well, almost completely gone.

Later this afternoon, I discovered something intriguing. One of these rips happened right in my bathroom.

Now, normally I’d consider the odds astronomical that said portal would just so happen to lead to another bathroom that curiously mirrored my own in some notable aspects: the choice of rose shampoo, a similar array of beauty products on the countertop, the rubber ducky perfectly positioned in the bathtub. All of it felt unquestionably familiar…

And then proof positive of said familiarity came in through the door on their end. She looked at me; I looked at her. We stood there speechless, for a time… and then words began to trickle out.

“You look like me if I was a bipedal cookie monster,” I started.

“And you look like me if I was a quadrupedal cake chomper,” she shot right back.

“Well met! Do you know Granny Smith?”

“She’s one of my best friends!”

“How about her granddaughter?”

“You mean Skipjack?”

“Ooh, that’s a good one! I’ll call her that next time!”

“Hey, you can’t do that! What am I supposed to call mine?”

“Applestack.”

“...We’re going to be friends.”

“Best friends.”

I’d keep going on, but let’s just say I think I’m going to keep this portal open for a little while. Don’t worry--I’ll keep a very close eye on it as time passes. If I think things will get out of control, I won’t hesitate to close it myself.

In the meantime, should you hear of other occurrences where any stray tears still remain after this incident that lasted so shortly I can’t even give it a proper title, you might want to look into them. I’ve instructed Cadance to handle any within her vicinity, and I’m doing the same for those near me. ‘Tis important for princesses to keep each other in the loop these days, so handle your tears accordingly.

Wishing you well,

Princess Celestia

…Wait, I can’t just leave this portal wide open for Sunny to see. I know her. The first thing she’ll do is jump right through it without the slightest hesitation!

But how to hide it… hrm, if I were Sunny, how would I be easily fooled? I can’t just hide this behind a curtain with a “closed for repairs” sign…

…Or can I?

Crystalling My Frozen Bones

Dear Princess Twilight,

I came to a conclusion today, as I sit in this bathtub warming up my frozen ribs that the Crystallization process seemed to skip over. Luna's also in the bath. It's a big bath, with so many duckies. You should try it sometime.

Ahem. So , every one of us acted like morons. You, Cadance, Shining, and especially Luna and myself. Why? Because we could have done so much better than what we did. And there's no excuse for why we couldn't. Hindsight’s in overdrive today!

First, I’m not going to place any blame on the biplane baby, despite the fact that she did shatter the Crystal Heart with a resonating wail that most certainly destroyed all of Cadance’s crystalware as well (I’m going to miss those wine glasses she had). Babies will cry and make messes of things, even if said messes happen to threaten an entire empire. But at the same time, they don’t have much of a grasp for things like accountability and collateral damage, especially one that’s recently departed Cadance’s hangar doors. Plus, it’s hard to get mad when she looks just so adorable, even if her wings look like they belong on a griffon. Or an albatross. I’m leaning towards albatross.

Anyway, with the baby matter settled, what could we have done better? Well, for a start, I should have included Rainbow Dash with helping to clear the clouds. Of course, I wouldn’t let her go solo, knowing those clouds were so frigid it would freeze her wings to the point of uselessness, which was definitely what her plan was going to be. Stubborn, hardheaded, and also exactly what we should have supplemented with a warding bubble so she could plow through those clouds like a bowling ball. Or a pinball, depending on whether or not some clouds were more resilient than others.

As crazy as that sounds, I’m certain that just about any idea was better than us blasting clouds with singular laser beams. Rainbow was raring and eager to help, and we delegated her and your friends the duty of migrating townsfolk more stubborn than a mob of rams. And no, I don’t mean the actual mob of rams headed by that whistle-loving Don Knocks and his right-hoof helper, Grandine Griffon. That bunch tends to drive me up the wall for all sorts of ridiculous reasons, but I digress.

As for Cadance, I'd already written to her at length about the apparent lack of knowledge she had shown about the Empire she's presiding over. I would have asked her what exactly she was doing with most of her free time, but I think we could clearly see--and hear--the result as is. Regardless, I requested that she take some time to acquire some knowledge about the Empire whilst being the doting, caring mother she has to be now--if she hasn't learned how to properly multitask before, she will soon enough.

Shining, well… he’ll still be a train wreck. But all new fathers are, and he’s no exception. All things considered, he’d actually done an admirable job organizing the evacuation effort when the ponies gathered for the Crystalling didn’t get the hint--I’m not sure if that’s a testament to your friends being too subtle, or those ponies proving they’re less intelligent than Black Friday shoppers in Manehattan. Whatever the case may be, he proved he has a head screwed on just right. Whether that remains so will come in the next few months for him and Cadance, and I have a sneaking suspicion I’m going to hear all about their problems. And so will you--we’re both aunts, after all. We have to stick together now.

Lastly, I’m sure you know all about your mistake. I shouldn’t have to mention the need to preserve precious history books in a crisis unless it’s absolutely unavoidable, as was the case of Tirek. It’s certainly a great boon that you’d recalled one of the necessary spells to save the Empire, but who knows what other knowledge we have lost as a result of that destructively adorable bundle of joy… and sorrow? Perhaps when you have a child of your own one day (no, Glimmer doesn’t count), you’ll learn just how much babyproofing you’re going to need. If you need help in that department, I can redirect you to Granny Smith and her kin. They know all about that process!

Now, that covers almost everything… except for one thing. When I got home, I found this checklist clearly penned by you detailing some procedure for me to make up with Sunburst. I don’t exactly know if that was meant for me, but I do owe him an apology in regards to his stay at my school. I hope you don’t mind if I take this to heart and write to him. He deserves that much from me.

Love,

Princess Celestia

...Wait, Luna, where’s Sunny and Moony? You don’t think they know about the baby yet, do they?

I didn’t want them to know just yet. They should know, of course, but I had to see just how under control Flurry Heart was before we let them see her, lest they cause some monumentally worse natural disasters.

Well, think about it! What would Sunny do if she was there instead of me when the Crystal Heart shattered? I already know the answer: tape. Then glue. Then tape AND glue! Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed how every potted plant in the castle looks like it barely survived a hurricane, then didn’t survive an earthquake immediately afterward! And don’t even get me started on my ceramic plates!

Then when her efforts inevitably fail and the blizzard hits, she’d probably try to pull the sun in to fix the chilly problem because that’s the same method she used last week to try and melt some super frozen yogurt from the freezer! The sheer amount of sunburn complains from that in addition to the slew of other environmental problems was more than enough to convince me that she shouldn’t see Flurry before we did first and--

Oh, uh, hi Sunny! We were discussing something about you. How… good are you with children?

Okay, now what about a baby? Say, Cadance’s baby? Do you think you can handle--

...Yes, dear sister. I do see the hole in the bathroom wall. And hear her screaming “I LOVE BABIES!” at the top of her lungs.

You think it’ll take fifteen seconds for her to leave a hole in your tower? What do you take her for?!

I think she’ll do it in ten.

The Sun is Bursting with Apologies

Dear Sunburst,

When I came to my school over half a year ago, I came in with a view of a colt who had a hideous grasp on the concept of friendship, the sort that completely loses touch with old friends with no good reason for doing so. And so I sifted through the student records, seeking a certain name. And I found one belonging to a student with a slightly smudged name, but I thought I had who I was looking for. I thought I had you, Sunburst.

When I saw you at the time sitting in the library, I saw a narcissistic, popular pony that just reeked of disgust and manipulation. Ponies flocked to you, and you sat there in this position of power above all the other students, and it sickened me to my core.

So I tore into you, knocked you off of your high horse and brought you down to a reality that would crush you underhoof for exhibiting the behavior of a despicable scumbag. You suffered divine retribution the likes of which only a select few had ever seen! I made you bear a paper maché crown with the word “JACKASS” scrawled across the front, and I personally shattered any hopes of you finding any sort of career within my city.

Yet after the events of the Crystalling, I had made some inquiries into your status at my school. It turned out your educational standing wasn’t one of a slacker, but a very determined student that spent so much time learning you’d fallen asleep with your head buried in the textbook. You’d even spent a great deal of time helping other students with their work. As far as the school was concerned, you hadn’t done a single thing wrong, outside of possibly being overworked.

But the worst part? The name I thought was you belonged to a different colt by the name of Starburst. It was not Sunburst at all.

I am so deeply sorry for putting you through that hell! I offer countless apologies for effectively destroying your life, as my view of you had been more jaded than a Chineighse gem appraiser. I was also running off of a thermos of espresso during that week (sleep is for the weak) as well, so we can add jittery and jumpy to the list of ‘j’ words for my eyes. ‘Jaundiced’ is not that list, however.

But that’s sidestepping the big issue, where I was the worst thing that ever happened to you that day, and I never should have caused you that much grief! And PTSD. I definitely gave you PTSD.

Truly, it is a miracle you had recovered from this sort of waking nightmare, and it is even more so incredible that you didn’t immediately run screaming out of the castle the instant you saw me, ’The White Witch’, as you would have been more than justified to take that action. I feel like changing that last ‘w’ to a ‘b’--that would still be the truth. But the fact that you stood your ground and didn’t even react to our harrowing past shows me you’ve made an outstanding recovery. I’d like to know who your therapist is, if you don’t mind.

Anyway, I am also quite thankful that you had devoted your time to studying up on everything related to the Crystal Empire. No, really, your studious nature saved us more than you think! I wouldn’t be surprised if the Crystal Ponies put a statue of you next to that Spike statue in the coming months.

I don’t think that’ll happen, though. It wouldn’t do for the Crystal Ponies to remember the fact that his winning streak broke today. I didn’t see him spewing gouts of fire to repel the cold that my sister and I had been fending off for hours. In fact, was he even there? Although I barely remember Applecrack being there, so if he did come along, I do hope he occupied himself with some fantastically important Empire-saving work.

Ahem. Back to your new position. I hope you don’t think in the slightest that your newfound job is going to be easy. You’ve seen what sort of chaos Flurry caused. I’ll be frank--your position is a glorified babysitter, and I’d bet one of my gold slippers that she’ll be a constant cause of further mischief.

Heh, ‘mischief’. I say that so lightly when the reality is you might be dealing with a cute catastrophe. I can’t shake the feeling I’ll hear a baby’s amplified sneeze and suddenly have a brand-new direct viewing window of the Crystal Empire from my tower. Or we’ll get a cold north wind blowing through thanks to her massive feather fans sharing an undue winter with the rest of Equestria. It will be your job to ensure such freak occurrences are kept to a minimum. Once a month is a good baseline.

Oh, and that goes double when Discord sees the baby--presumably you know who he is, but if you don’t… well, be prepared for your goatee to turn into an impromptu rope swing at a moment’s notice.

Beyond this, there IS one more thing worth noting. I’d previously written to Cadance regarding the fact that she should also know the history of what she’s ruling over as acting Princess. In addition to your regular duties, I wish to request that you make sure she’s keeping herself up to date on this important knowledge. If another incident should happen, I would like more than one head to be reasonably informed so we don’t put all of our eggs in one basket. If you wish, you may extend this knowledge to Shining as well, although he’s likely going to be occupied with so many fatherhood/guard duties it might just fly over his head. I leave that to your discretion.

Anyway, happy trails with your new job. I look forward to more ponies being in the know of their own province the next time I visit. Which will be next week. Seriously, Flurry Heart is too adorable.

Wishing you the best,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Please accept this apology house made entirely out of books. I had planned for it to be a substitute home for Princess Twilight in the eventuality of Spike burning the treehouse down (the bookhouse I made is fireproof), but now that she has a new shiny castle, it couldn’t hurt to pass this along to another former student that greatly appreciates book knowledge.

Also, it would be a nice place for you to take Flurry Heart besides your house--I doubt you’d be thrilled to see her thrashing your personal library.

P.P.S. How do you feel about pools? Because I also sent a small inflatable pool filled entirely with melted chocolate. That’s something for Flurry Heart to enjoy. You could put it next to the bookhouse, then she would dive in and love swimming in sweet, melted gooey bliss!

Of course, Cadance would probably lose it and write me a hundred angry letters asking me how out of my mind I was for doing that, but that’s my problem, not yours. I just want to spoil Flurry for a little while. That’s not a bad thing!

P.P.P.S. You're also getting a new crown. A good one, made of gold and gems and stuff! With "REALLY COOL DUDE" etched on the front! It'll be the best thing ever!

Luna! How are you today?

Wait, what do you mean it’s two in the morning? I thought it was still early in the evening and--yes, I have been drinking out of my thermos, but it was only one cup!

I don’t have a caffeine problem! YOU have a caffeine problem, what with how you like to stay up late without showing an ounce of exhaustion! But I can’t do that because Sunny and Moony haven’t aligned to the proper sleep schedules so I need to stay awake to keep tabs on them night and day and… Oh dear, I do need help.

Regifting 101: The Maud Pie Approach

Mayor Mulligan,

Look, I know I’ve given you a lot of chances. Not just a few, but so many chances to keep the city at a minimal level of quality control.

But then I received a letter from a concerned citizen who shall not be named for privacy reasons, and her remarks about some of the available housing are… how to put this lightly… abysmal.

For reasons entirely unclear as to their existence, Manehatten is home to no less than thirty alley-sized houses. Except that is being FAR too generous in describing it as said homes are barely the width of a single average-size mare. All but the thinnest of stallions wouldn’t fit, and you can bet my chubby butt won’t even make it through if I entered the door sideways. So why, exactly, are these homes being marketed to ponies when they can only reasonably fit a foal?! It doesn’t make any--

Hmmmaaahhhhhh… Okay. Mulligan, I’ll give you a chance to correct this nonsense. I do realize that this housing may still hold some value to the downtrodden denizens that walk your streets, but at the same time I’d like real estate to be quite candid about the dimensions of what they’re selling.

Words like ‘cozy’ or ‘you can reach anything inside in just three steps!’ simply don’t cut it here. I’m looking for terms like ‘claustrophobes beware’, ‘the next step beyond your ant farm!’, or ‘thickly-built ponies need not apply’. It’s the sort of disclosure they shouldn’t even try to bother covering up because it’s abundantly clear from the instant ponies try to enter it how much they’re glossing over the truth of the matter.

Thus, I’d like you to get those political gears grinding. Get a mandate out there declaring that real estate sellers be wholly truthful about the dimensions of such appallingly small buildings that are barely fit to be doghouses with their current width. And I know your width, Mulligan--you can’t fit in these houses either, and if it’s not fit for a mayor of your stature to live in, how dare they try to make it sound so accommodating?

Do let me know when it’s prepared and ready for the necessary introductions to the City Council. I’ll make an appearance that day to usher things along.

Oh, one more thing. I also received your notice about some noise complaints today, describing a pink pony that littered the streets with confetti and blasted a cannon every five to ten minutes for hours.

You should address these complaints, but you will not seek charges against the mare responsible for these issues. You won't even give them a littering fine. Just go on record stating the pink pony was merely an overenthusiastic, eccentric tourist. Please, please do nothing more than acknowledge and immediately dismiss the issue. Unless you would like to have a helping hoof in ensuring all of your streets are paved with a fresh layer of creamy, creamy frosting, I will only state this once:

It is not worth the risk.

Respectfully,

Princess Celestia

Ah, Luna! There you are. Good, and you brought Sunny and Moony! This is perfect.

Now, as you two should know, today is a very special day. Do you know why?

Yes! I’m somewhat surprised you knew that, but today marks the one-year anniversary since you’ve been ‘born’ into the world!

Yes, this is quite exciting for all of us! And to celebrate, Luna and I got you some presents to mark the occasion--and I also see you’ve prepared your own! Wonderful, then if you don’t mind, I would like to present mine first.

My present, dear Sunny, is this sundial. It’s something I used when I was young and getting used to moving the sun. Other ponies would use this to tell the time, but I used this to help me gauge what time to set! Now that you’re getting a grasp on moving the sun better, I figured you could use this to help you adjust the time of day with better precision. Oh, and this is the only sundial I have.

Well, not the only one. I get thousands of them on my birthday from every noble trying to curry my favor by asking the same question: “What is the best gift to get our Solar Princess?” Clearly, that answer must be a sundial!

However, this particular sundial is the one I cherish the most. It’s the first one Starswirl gave me, and against my better judgement, I think you need it more than I do. Obviously I have plenty of backups available--you’ve taught me how valuable that preparation can truly be.

(Yes, Luna. I know that's actually the second sundial Swirl gave me. Turned out he was bad at giving gifts too, but this is still pretty big for her. Don’t spoil it!)

Ahem, Luna. What is your gift to Moony?

Wow! It’s a… telescope.

(Okay, you’re ragging on me for regifting an old gift when you’re giving her the telescope I gave you when we were fillies?! You could have given her the spare observatory key if you wanted her to really see stars!)

Oh, uh, it’s nothing you two! Luna and I are, um, discussing how thoughtful our gifts are! Why don’t you two share your gifts while Luna and I sort things out?

~~~

Hey wait! Biggest sis, you left your really long paper thing here!

You’ll get it later? Well, can I please use it now? I kind of want to record our gifting stuff too!

Sweet, thanks! Maybe Moony and I can record our own gifting debate! Anyway, let’s start with my gift.

Now, I know how much you love baking. In fact, you probably love it a million times more than I do with how much time you spend in the kitchen these days! Therefore, I made sure my present would be the bestest present ever for your cooking!

Oh, I can tell by that dumbstruck look on your face! You love this big bag of moon dust, right?! I mean, I know you like using this stuff so much in your baking, but ever since that Moon Biscotti Beast ate like half of your kitchenware, you haven’t put everything into your craft these days. I wanted to help with that problem, at least a little bit and… Huh? Moony, why are you crying?

What?! You sold all of your moon treats to buy me a big bag of assorted sweets? No no no! That’s now it works! I sold all of my sweets to get a big bag to hold the moon dust so you could bake more moon treats, not so you could turn around and give me a candy refill! Dangit, now I have to get sell more candy and get another big empty bag!

Oh no, you’re not going to outpace me on this one! I will get you the better gift, because your candy gift is incredible! But it’s not as good as your happiness! I know you make me so happy right now, but I must make you HAPPIER!

On Your Marks, Get Set and... Sign Paperwork!

Mayor Mare,

Sweet chocolate ganache on a bavarian cream-filled cake, how many buildings did you approve for construction today?!

Look, I get it. Ponyville’s definitely becoming a more popular place to live, tour, snap a selfie with a princess, what have you. Naturally, that also means the town should have many more recreational activities available, and so I’ve given no complaints in regards to the dance, art, and bungee jumping facilities… although I will admit that last one gave me pause for thought. I know there’s definitely plenty of thrill-seeking activities like whitewater rafting, parasailing and explosive stone launching (which has since been moved to a location that won’t endanger any neighboring villages, per the request of said endangered villages). So there’s plenty of entertainment around, which means that a great deal of these buildings should be new homes and small businesses.

Therefore, I must ask this with absolute clarity: are you desperately trying to turn Ponyville into a city? Because that’s where you’re going with this if this continues, and to be completely frank I don’t think Ponyville should get a city status as things are.

For a start, you’re still sitting next to an untamed Everfree where the deepest parts contain malicious creatures that will absolutely aggravate a sudden influx of new denizens. Before you know it, you’ll be signing paperwork for an electrified wire fence bordering that forest, which is NOT going to please the Animal Preservation Society one bit. Or your residential exotic botanist. And who are you going to put in charge of maintaining a fence that would tickle an Ursa Minor, let alone stop a Major?

The point is, Mayor, that I strongly suggest you take your time and be very cautious about how many documents you’re signing off on. I don’t want you putting your name on anything you’ll regret backing like I have. I still curse myself into signing up for membership into the Royal Alicorn Clean Investments, Savings and Timeshares conglomerate--their business card is significantly less flattering than their goals. They also extend their services to non-alicorns under a similar name with ‘Pony’ being where ‘Clean’ is.

Their membership cards need serious rethinking into their design. I’ve filed such a complaint with them regarding that (in fact, I’ve been doing so every month for almost a year now), but all I keep getting in response is, “We’ll look into it. Thank you for your concerns!”

I hate them so much.

Anyway, just try to be thorough with these papers. It always pays to know what you’re really putting your name on, alright?

Friends Forever,

Celestia

Sunny, you seem energetic today. And what’s that card you’re waving around?

O-Oh… you managed to join the Respected Average Pony Investments, Savings and Timeshares group?

Well, judging by this card it’s way too late to cancel those documents, but… WHY did you ask for a whole box of them?!

No no no these are NOT the same as a business card! This is almost the exact opposite of something that should be shared right now! Give me that box!

I said give me the box! No one should have this many membership cards and--

Sunny. You teleported the box. Where did you teleport the box?

Author's Note

So Celestia, where do you want me to put this card?

"Bury it in my desk. And never dig it up again. No one must know."

Got it. I'll make sure nobody sees this. Ever.

Gauntlet Garbled Great Balls of Fire!*

Author's Note

*Fireballs not included in this chapter.

Gauntlet Garbled Great Balls of Fire!*

Dear Twilight,

I didn’t say anything about you dropping absolutely everything to go off and supporting Spike in the midst of our rare visit in the midst of a very strained schedule this week. I knew he needed some support for the trials he would endure in the Dragon Lands, and some friends by his side would no doubt bolster his morale. Thus, I absolutely stand by your decision to depart with him, and hope that the next time we meet that the meeting could last longer than five minutes.

However, your strategy to follow him into the Dragon Lands was… odd. Okay, that’s an understatement--it’s downright confusing. Why environmental objects, of all things? Was it really that difficult to figure out a quick transformation spell for dragons?

I ask that mainly because you have a spell-tinkering pupil in your house that managed to modify a centuries-old time spell to work with a magical table that didn’t even exist since a year ago! With this much magical talent under your roof, how hard could it have really been to turn yourselves into dragons?! You could even transform yourself into foliage or a chameleon, which doubles with its own camouflage technique! All this magic would be available at your disposal, but instead you walked off with some of those increasingly ridiculous camouflage sets?!

Oh, right. I forgot to mention that I spent my afternoon with Starlight Glimmer since you’ve departed with Spike (Luna decided to return home for two very important reasons). Very peculiar pupil now that I’ve taken some real time to speak with them. She sort of reminds me of another student that nearly threatened an interdimensional war between worlds, only slightly less insane and significantly more submissive. I still wonder what you said to her that turned her into a prostrating patsy, but maybe it’s better I don’t know.

Anyhow, she’s enlightened me to the fact that you’ve devoted an entire room of your castle to these unusual camouflage pieces! Granted, we had to go through about fifty rooms to find it (your pupil’s horrible with directions), but we found it!

Giant candy canes! Why do you have a set of huge hollow candy canes?! Who are you going to observe on Hearth’s Warming that merits a disguise like this?

Don’t answer that question. The answer will be creepy no matter who you name.

Also, those realistic-looking timberwolf shelters in here were so convincing I blasted them on sight. I realize those would have had great use in the Everfree, so you’re going to need to build new ones.

But by far the most baffling object is the Ursa Major gallstone. Just… why?! Why is that even a thing for you to disguise as? Nopony wants to see that! I didn’t even want to see it or acknowledge its existence until I had to in your disguise room!

And then there’s the suits! You have a buffalo suit, and I guess that’s fine. The Yak suit right next to it is not--I am so fortunate you did not use this, because you most certainly did NOT incorporate authentic yak fur into it!

But that’s not all. There were suits of you and your friends. An entire rack of them, and one of those suits looked suspiciously like me. In fact, on closer inspection it looked exactly like me. I get the feeling a suit for Luna also exists, but I didn’t see it here.

Needless for me to ask, but you have a lot of explaining to do. I don’t want to hear some insanely convenient excuse like they’re a gift from Pinkie or something!

...that’s the excuse you’re going to give me, isn’t it? Look, just tell me it is, and I won’t ask any more questions. It’s not worth me pursuing it further than that.

It really, really isn’t.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. Please tell me Sunny and Moony haven’t obliterated the kitchen. Again.

Oh, speaking of Moony, there she… is… why are there three of you, Luna? You… you’ve been peering into my nightmares, haven’t you?!

Whoa whoa, don’t close in on me like this! I realize I’ve committed some wrongs against you, but… wait. This isn’t a dream. It’s not a daydream, is it? I see that look in your eyes, that eerie wide smile on the one in the back, and this intoxicatingly sweet and horrific smell… NO! No no NO! You wouldn’t?!

Treason! This is high treason, Luna! You can’t bury me in that much moon cookie dough! It’ll take me a thousand minutes to eat my way out of it! Don’t you da--

Bonus: A Word of Warning About Opening Floodgates

Dear Princess Ember,

First and foremost, I would like to congratulate you on behalf of all of Equestria for finally being the first native of the Dragon Lands I’ve had the pleasure of communicating with in the last few years. The last time I’ve had any sort of discourse was with a very insecure male, and that hadn’t exactly ended on the brightest of notes for either of us and--

I’ll start over. Hi, I’m Princess Celestia, ruler of Canterlot and sister of the pony that has bi-monthly shouting matches with your father, Torch. Or should I call him Former Dragon Lord Torch? Does it matter to you? I hope not.

Anyway, I write this letter to you partially as a humble greeting from another fellow princess across the land and sea. While I understand that you might not be buddy-buddy with many of ponykind, I should hope that some friendly correspondence can change the diminutive appearance dragons have seen us as for millennia.

That being said, I also bear a warning for one of our fellow princesses, and it is one you have already met. You may not have picked up on Twilight’s thirst for knowledge of your kind--or perhaps you had, somewhat. You did give her permission to write to you should she have any questions about dragon culture, and she grew so excited at this prospect she wrote to me about this new line of communication with you.

Which I am using right now to state that you will be flooded with a tsunami of questions ranging from how many gatherings you arrange to what favorite time dragons love to hunt for their hoard. She’ll ask you all about how you made your armor, from the type of metal used down to the exact temperature your dragonfire was at for shaping and molding, and the quenching fluid that was used. She’ll also definitely ask you how your father Torch designed a cave that was half his size with those big, meaty claws of his. From that, she will cleanly segue into asking about how he met your mother. I am not joking.

But seriously, in case you thought I was joking, Twilight sent me a copy of the list of questions she had prepared to ask you in small installments. The complete list started in my room, rolled downstairs, exited into the garden, fully navigated my rebuilt hedge maze and looped around my bird fountain. Then it re-entered the castle through the ballroom and wound its way through the hallways to my throne room, where it proceeded to cover every square inch of flooring before exiting the front door and stopping just before it reached the main gate.

I hope you have a comfortable chair or a lot of free time on your claws, because going through this entire list would take anywhere from three whole months to years to answer, depending on the frequency at which she asks these questions. I am also willing to bet that there will be quite a few questions that you’ll refuse to answer, particularly the questions related to the very intimate nature of dragons. This may sound like an odd solution, but I suggest you have your father Torch answer some of those questions you'd rather not touch with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole. I believe Twilight would be more than happy to hear about some of that experience firsthand from one of the largest dragons in the world. That and he’s raised a fabulous daughter, so clearly he’s been the best father you could ask for… for better or worse, depending on your view of him.

Anyway, I believe my warning’s been made clear. If you have problems doing all of these things yourself, delegate it to others! It’s worked for me for centuries upon centuries, and I see no reason why it wouldn’t work for you, especially given that glowstick-y flea flicker thing you can do as Lord of Dragons. I wish I could do that--no really, you have no idea how much I would enjoy such an ability. I have a long list of nobles I can see using that on… so as a side request, do you think you can tell me how that’s done?

One more thing. If Twilight ever gets on your nerves to the point where she even annoys who you delegate, do let me know. I’ll try to reel her in as soon as I get a response.

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

...Hm? Bit of a cold breeze just blew by. Is that a letter from Princess Cadance?

Why, it is! Oh, I’ll bet she wants me to come by and help with her darling Flurry! Alright, I’ve got a whole new bag of tricks ready to spoil my grand-niece and--

...Oh no. Oooooooooh noooooooo…

So that’s where the other cards went.

Bonus Bonus (...or is it Double Bonus?): Showing Restraint After Being Restrained

Dear Princess Cadance,

I received your notice a few days ago, and I will state for the record that I completely understand your concerns after you received a box filled with a bunch of R.A.P.I.S.T. cards with my face plastered all over them. Out of context, I will not fault you for the action you took as a result. Believe me, if I had received such a disturbing box of material sent from your home, I would definitely take some precautionary measures before I even approached you on the subject. Although I would not go to your extreme measure.

Which is what this letter’s getting to. I formally request that you revoke the restraining order asking me to not approach the outer limits of the Crystal Empire and to stay at least a mile away from Flurry Heart, which is incidentally somewhat larger than the outer limits. To this end, I also ask for forgiveness for causing such undue stress on you in this time of overprotective motherhood.

You know I love you, Cadance. With all my heart I love you as an aunt and a mentor. And I do love your daughter, just not in a weird werewolf-y sort of way. Because that’s just extremely awkward, and not at all what I’m trying to get at here. The point is that I would never do such a thing to your daughter, or to anypony else. It’s a despicable crime that I could never see myself doing, no matter how likely you seem to think it so.

As for the cards, they are also not at all what they appear to be. They belong to a company in my city with an acronym that’s as terribly conceived as they are efficient with their work. Did you know this company actually managed to score me a timeshare on the Hayman Islands? I get to spend an entire week there! Well, assuming I arrange the travel to and from and do so when I get word of its availability, which as of yet hasn’t happened because ponies keep reserving it like the real estate sharks they are…

But I’ll find the right timeslot. I’ll get it one day.

Ahem. Anyway, I’m sure once you take the time to look into both of these investment and timeshare companies, you’ll realize just how huge of a misunderstanding all of this was. Again, I understand how you jumped to the conclusion you did. But now that you have enough reasonable context to nullify this order… well, you can fill in the rest from there.

Also, if it’s not too much trouble, could this issue be resolved by the end of the month? I have about three cartloads of gifts to send your way, and would like to personally deliver them and see all of the ‘aww’-inducing giggles and baby snorts I’ve been missing since a few weeks ago.

And please, don’t refuse the gifts. Some of them aren’t even my own—nobles are already approaching me with some of their own toys and trinkets for Flurry Heart to enjoy, no doubt to kiss our hooves and curry favor as usual.

One of these gifts is a golden pacifier. Hang on, the inside of this sounds hollow. There’s a little hinge and door on the tip, but I can’t quite get it open. I don't want to send you any gifts that I don't know everything about beforehoof, so I'll look over the gifts one more time before I get them prepared to send to your castle.

Thank you for your time and understanding regarding the other very important matter here. Hopefully I'll speak with you in person soon.

Love and deepest apologies,

Princess Celestia

Alright, pacifier. How do I get you open?! My hooves can’t work your foul hinge, so you must require a great deal of dexterity and precision!

...I have it! Heh, clever. Alright, tongue, it’s time for you to go to work.

Mmgh… almoh goh ih...uh…

H-Hello Luna! I… erm, what did you see?

No, I was NOT sucking on this pacifier! I was working a weird lock on it with my tongue and… well, it’s been difficult. Do you want to try?

...okay, how did you do that so fast? And more importantly, can you teach me?

Prancer is Not Second. He's Third, Followed by Vixen

Twilight. Twilight Sparkle. Princess of Friendship Twilight Sparkle,

Your student stood me up. You stood me up. And to add to that, you stood up the guests you insisted were Starlight Glimmer’s friends, when they’ve only barely heard of her. That’s stating it generously, by the way--two didn’t know she existed (one of which didn’t even acknowledge my question and listened to her music instead), and Cranky misheard me and assumed I wanted to cut their toupee with hedge clippers. He refused. Adamantly.

If this is your idea of showing me how fantastic of a teacher you are with your new student, I’ll say that a poor showing of attendance reflects just as badly on you as it does for them. This goes double when said teacher spends so much time looking for her student that my sister raised the moon, and I had not received a single notice updating me on what the delay was. It was only by virtue of me keeping those three highly confused guests company in your absence that I didn’t leave to search for you myself. Which, in hindsight, I probably should have done and sent your guests away given how much of a waste of time it’s been for all of us. Except for the mailpony stuffing her face with muffins. She looked like she’d reached nirvana at the time.

I’ve been snubbed before, but not to this degree of disrespect and definitely not twice in a single week by the same person. Gods above, SLOTHS manage to keep their appointments, and it takes them a whole day just to walk to the train station centered in their own town. It takes them another day to walk from Canterlot station to my castle, with no stops in-between. I’ve met them at the station ever since the first meeting for obvious reasons, but that’s because I like being punctual and efficient with my time.

Speaking of time, do you have any idea how much time I’ve had to set aside for this meeting?! I’ve had to cancel one of my own diplomatic appointments and shift another to Luna so she could meet with a new dragon emissary in my place! I looked forward to that meeting--Ember said they’re the delegated leader of the hugging committee, and I badly wanted to know how that would go down. Instead, Luna got hugs, and I sat here watching your ice cream sculpture melt while badly wishing for a cake to go with it. And no, muffins don’t count. I tried making that work.

It’s not the same. I even told the muffin munching mare as much.

It didn’t go as expected. Here’s a small snippet of that conversation.

"Muffins."

"Cakes."

"Muffins."

"Cakes."

"Muffiiiiiiiiiins!"

"Caaaaaaaaaakes!"

“If muffins are so inferior, why do cupcakes try to be like them?!”

“Hah! Muffins are just dense cupcakes denying their true identity!”

“YOU TAKE THAT BACK!”

“MAKE ME!”

On a side note, you’re going to need new plates.

Anyway, after your sculpture completely melted and the small scuffle I had came to a close, all of us figured the meeting wasn’t going to happen, so we left. Correction: Cranky, Muffin girl and I left. I’m pretty sure the white music pony didn’t even know we left and should still be inside by the time you get this.

In case you’re wondering, this did not go well. I was okay with the first snub--you had a reason for that, and that reason is stuff happens. This second time had no good reason for such incredulous delay and deception on your part. Don’t try to cover for your student’s faults, Twilight. You are their mentor, not their mother.

One more thing. Don’t do this a third time. Do. Not. Otherwise, at the next summit, I’ll sit you next to Jerry.

Yes, that Jerry. The one that treated your tail as a cookie crumb collector and turned my table space into his non-food trash bin.

Thou art warned.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

There you are, Luna. How was the hugging emissary?

Five minutes straight? And you stood there and took it like a champ? Bravo, dear sister!

Oh, nothing much happened with me over there. Except chatting with Cranky and a small disagreement over pastry. Yep. Very small.

Wait, Cranky did have one concern. He said the bottle of Mane-Gain we gave him grew out his nose hairs instead of any head hair.

I know, right? He’s clearly not using enough of it! Sure, the nose hairs ARE how they start, but he seemed to think that’s all they grow.

Mmhmm, we simply must correct this false outlook of his, although he’s pretty adamant about using his fancy wigs these days...

Sister? Why are you quiet all of a sudden? You… came here to discuss something else, didn’t you? Please tell me it doesn’t involve Sunny and Moony...

T-They found where we stored all of our Mane-Gain? Okay, so how many bottles do you think they used?

Haaaaaaaaannngh… very well. I’ll get some hedge clippers for both of us. And while we’re at it, summon our hairdresser. Cranky’s getting a brand new wig from us. You know, something that actually works for him.

Who's Really the Newbie: Dash, or Spitfire?

Dear Rainbow Crash,

I stuck my neck out for you. Did it for years getting on Spitfire’s case to turn you into a Wonderbolt. I've pressured her into expanding her roster, but when she wouldn't budge citing such sound reasons like “we don’t have any spare suits” and “there are no formation plans bigger than a hexagon”, I conceded to wait for a retiree to leave so you can take their place. Not the most expedient solution available given you’ve had to wait a few years for this, but one nonetheless. And look at you, you’re finally a Wonderbolt! Congratulations!

Now, I would offer a nice, lengthy list of praise for you, but you must have noticed that lovely nickname of yours on top. Why is that? Well, I’ve received a copy of your disciplinary documents just this afternoon detailing your month-long probation. Live Wire places the rookie mistake nicknames on these documents not because she wants to, but because I specifically requested it after eavesdropping hearing from her about her running into an electric fence. It was quite a shock to learn! But you should have seen how stunned she was when I told her I knew! Oh, her mane hairs nearly stood on end!

I should have taken a picture. Uh, for the memories. Yes. Anyway…

So, your first big outing with the Wonderbolts ended in outstanding disaster involving some ‘impressive’ maneuvers that quite literally landed you in a sticky situation, all because you thought them using your childhood nickname was a bit mean-spirited, so you went out of your way to impress them so they’d stop calling you that and recognize your awesomeness, or something along those lines.

Rainbow, do you have any idea how utterly ridiculous this sounds? Had the thought not occurred to you at all that they had no idea about your childhood trauma, and therefore might be using that ‘old’ name of yours in an entirely different set of circumstances? What happened in your head that perpetuated such a notion that the Wonderbolts were truly being mean and petty? Well, other than all the other times they actually acted mean and petty, that is.

But times change, and so have they. I’ve been cracking the whip on them for a good year to get their act together, and wouldn’t you know it, they’re finally functional and giving a damn about their work. Truly, I wouldn’t have made this much progress in getting them to knock off their shady antics without you pushing yourself each day to be the Wonderbolt they wanted in their group.

However, doesn’t it seem like they took their sweet time getting you in, waiting for a pony to retire so a spot opened up? Didn’t that sort of situation almost happen with Wind Rider, who ended up receiving a dishonorable discharge but still opened up a spot in their roster? I’ll bet you’re wondering who filled that spot instead of you and made you wait almost a whole year for a new spot to open up if they were so eager to get you in since you joined the Reserves…

Well, you don’t have to wonder. I will admit that I delayed your admission into their group and had them choose another candidate to fill that spot. Why? Because I wanted to see if you could go for a year without being the cause of a catastrophic incident on the scale of blowing up the weather factory. I feared that you might cause further explosive chaos as a Wonderbolt--a loose cannon, so to speak--and essentially destroy their public reputation along with your own. And you impressed me with your restraint over that year, Rainbow Dash.

Anyway, now that you’re in, I fully expect you to exercise that same restraint as before. Playtime’s over, Rainbow Dash--being a Wonderbolt is serious business, and you know that now. Show me that your efforts and my whip-cracking weren’t in vain.

Hopefully I’ll look forward to many other disciplinary reports that don’t have Rainbow Crash on it.

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

~~~

Dear Live Wire,

First off, thank you for accepting my request to delay Rainbow’s acceptance for a year. I know it’s a decision you weren’t happy to make, but I assured you this was the right thing to do.

I knew that despite Rainbow doing a lot of big things as a hero, there have been moments where she didn’t do the right thing. I wanted to be sure that she wouldn’t do any wrong and/or stupid things for a year at minimum just to prove to me that she could have a period of time where she wouldn’t be at the center of any incredible incidents. I realize that sort of statement considering the behavior of your establishment over the prior years was tenuous at the time, but imagine my surprise when you actually decided to be cooperative (and dare I say respectful) of my request.

Further, over the past year, there hasn’t been a single mane hair’s worth of trouble from you or your fellow Wonderbolts. Consider me floored by this revelation… well, either that or you got good at hiding your tracks again. Whatever the case is, you actually know what you’re doing, and you’re doing it well as far as I can tell.

There is one small caveat I have trouble accepting, however. In regards to your latest Wonderbolt addition, I can’t help but wonder if there wasn’t a single moment where you had ample opportunity to explain to Rainbow Dash the whole situation regarding your group’s hazing.

I realize this is something that any commonpony would pick up on as mild ribbing banter, but let’s not forget that your Wonderbolt brigade isn’t a common thing, Rainbow Dash isn’t an ordinary pony, and the environment your headquarters provides isn’t like the bustling town she grew up in. She’s also been known to miss some of the most glaringly obvious cues in social settings, so yes, this did require an explanation for her to fully comprehend. Of course, I’m sure you took all of this into consideration when you brought her in, because you’re perceptive like that.

Or not, given the timing that this incident was resolved according to the reports I received. But hey, now that this is all out in the open, I’m not going to hear of any more foul-ups from any of the Wonderbolts including your newest member, right?

Right?

I’m not holding my breath, but I suppose it’s all up to you to prove me wrong. You’ve proven you can keep things together for a year, and I’m willing to forgive a flub like this assuming there won’t be any other incidents.

But if there’s another issue, you’d best keep your ears tuned to your door. Because I’ll be knocking.

Wishing You Good Fortune (You Need It Now),

Princess Celestia

...Alright, I’ll bite. Why is there a volatile storm cloud near my balcony?

Sunny? Moony? Why are you two dressed like colorblind Wonderbolts? Their primary color isn’t green.

Earning nicknames?! Where did you get that idea--OKAY NO, punching a storm cloud is NOT how you get called “Lightning Strike!” And where did you get this cloud?!

Okay, who leaves a lone storm cloud floating around in Ponyville?! Were the Wonderbolts not doing their job--oh hey, I guess I can ream them about that later… i-is something burning?

NO! Get this cloud out of my room THIS INSTANT! I can put out the fire on my bed by myself aaaaaand the cloud’s raining. Perfect.

No, Sunny. Again, not quite the way you earn the nickname “Heavy Rain”, but you’re getting close to what it takes to get a nickname like that. Very, very close.

A Tail to Warm (or Chill) the Heart, Part 1

Writing scroll? Check. Sunny and Moony sitting down? Check. Fireplace roaring? Absolutely checked. Luna bundled in a blanket after a rough night and yawning rather loudly, check...

Good. I suppose that means we’re all set for a story, aren’t we? Your hot cocoa all set? Great, and your backup cocoa’s near the hearth to keep it good and warm so there’ll be no big interruptions!

Now then, I’ll begin.

The night of Hearth’s Warming Eve is here.
It comes with wreaths, lights, and holiday cheer
To spread joy and happiness to those near and dear!
The perfect deterrents to anger and fear.

Such negative emotions, most of us know
Are what summon the Windigos.
Frosty horses with a frigid bite
Forever ensure a cruel winter’s night--alright Sunny, put your hoof down. What is it?

Yes, the Windigos really were frosty. They’re magical ice spirits that thrive off of negative emotion.

No, a frozen Siren is not the same thing as a Windigo. Where did you even get that idea?!

Okay, you’re going to need to show me that document Starswirl wrote later. I need to see that for myself. Anyway...

On one such night, many still roamed free
Shortly after the union of the EUP.
Tensions had not fully subsided,
And lingering doubts left some subjects divided.

Take three ponies, one of each tribe:
Earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi.
Distrusting those not of their kin;
For Windigoes, ‘twas a meal of sin.

The first from Earth, he called himself Burly.
With a muscular red body, he moved heavy loads in a hurry.
But with the whipping winds nipping at his hooves
The only thing moving was he in the flurry!

“E-E-Eeyup!”

Luna, look. I know that impression of Big Mac was awful, but if you can do better, by all means go ahead.

The second, we will call her Dandy
A rich green unicorn, a visage like lemon-lime candy.
She had great wit to spare, but had no spare tire
To fix her heated carriage, which had sadly caught fire.

“Who thought it was a great idea to put a heater in a wooden carriage?!”

Huh? Oh, I know this pony as an acquaintance of, uh, one of my “deactivated” field operatives. Further discussion is classified.

Now the third pony is quite agile and lean.
Flew free as a bird, that lofty Blazing Wing!
But the blizzard came strong, and put her wings on ice...
“Hey! That wasn’t very nice!”

Heehee, I always wanted to imagine Spitfire in a major blizzard setting. Oh, it’s so satisfying! A-Ahem…

While each of these ponies were in the storm all alone
They’d all spotted the bright lights of a home.
Rushing to the house, they’d know not what was in store
When they’d first met each other at the front door.

“I found the house first! You two stay away!”
“Eenope,” said Burly. “I’m here to stay.”
Blazing Wing snapped, “Get out of my way!”
Then the door opened. The homeowner had this to say:

“You three dare to lay claim to this place?!
I ought to slam the door in front of your face!”
The tan earth mare bellowed and berated,
But her tiny brown colt instead seemed elated!

“Mom, are they our guests tonight?
I know you’re mad, but they seem alright!”
“Button, sweetie, that seems awfully naive…”
“But why, mom? Come on, it’s Hearth’s Warming Eve!”

The mother sighed deep, like she’d done many times before
But she acquiesced. “Please, step through the door.
“But,” she added, “don’t you dare cause a fuss.
Or I will kick you all out if I must!”

The three were grateful, as they should
And heard the great hearth crackling with firewood
Shivering, they scrambled, tripped and fought
To warm their bodies with heat they sought

But the mother barred their passage, glared with eyes blue and deep.
“If you want to stay here, you’ll have to earn your keep!
I need help cooking, the table must be set,
and we need more firewood. These goals must be met!”

The three guests groaned, but did not complain,
Lest they cause the mother further disdain.
“I’ll gather the wood,” Burly replied.
He took the axe near the hearth, chipped and unrefined.

He opened the door, and met with a sharp chill,
But this would hardly hamper his will!
He stepped outside, and shut the door.
It’s firewood she wants? Oh, he’ll bring her more!

“I’ll set the table!” Dandy quickly moved
straight toward the mediocre dining room.
‘Twas not as lavish as her wealthy setting,
But it had a rustic charm, hardly upsetting.

With a green glow, dishes, cloth and utensils flowed
In a neat and orderly fashion
For her, this empty table would be bestowed
An appearance worthy of sitting in her mansion!

Blazing Wing, left with little choice,
Entered the kitchen, and heard the mother’s voice.
“Chop up those carrots, and please stir the pot.
Add them when they’re cut, but be careful! The stew’s hot.”

Blazing obliged, cutting the vegetables with ease.
She did it so swiftly the mother was stunned, but pleased!
The feast would be ready at quite the fast pace
As the mother and pegasus had a little cooking race!

Meanwhile, the foal played with his toys
His tiny heart filled with joy
“I just knew those three were cool.
Hearth’s Warming is gonna rule!”

Within a short time, each pony had done their part
A week’s worth of firewood, which was a great start
But the elegant dining table was a fabulous winner
A perfect arrangement for a Hearth’s Warming dinner

But trouble brewed as the three guests
Each claimed their contribution was the best
“All you did was cut trees!”
“You just placed plates and forks!”
“None of that matters! The food’s the best, see?!”
Much like a shaken champagne, this pressure would be uncorked.

With an icy neigh, the Windigos came
Shattering the windows and dousing the flame
They tore through the house, reintroducing that awful, bitter cold
Winter’s wrath came, raged and took hold

"MOOOOOOOOOOOM! These Windigos iced my train!"
"I know, Button! Mommy's fighting, and shall see them all slain!"
"No, mom! Maybe they’re also guests! We should show them compassion!"
"I don't think they care about that kind of attraction!"

Yes Luna, I see your hoof raised. What is it?

Wait, there’s actually a mom-son pairing with her son given that name? Huh. What a funny coincidence.

No, I’m not changing it. I’m too far in now.

Just as quick as they came, they left in a flash.
The damage had been done by the end of the clash.
The wind howled and the three scowled; they feared what was in store
Worriedly watching the kitchen door.

Exiting the kitchen with clattering teeth
Her child cried cold tears, clinging to her back.
The mother glared at them as she unsheathed
A most horrific verbal attack

“Do you three see what you’ve done?!
You’ve beckoned the monsters who nearly froze my son!
All because of what, a petty quarrel over who did most?
Because if this is what it came to, there is nothing to boast!

“My home is sub-zero, the windows are broken;
The front door is in shambles, and our hooves are frozen.
This is what you’ve done: you’ve ruined our night!
Hearth’s Warming is ruined! Get out of my sight!”

Ashamed, the three knew they were to blame
And together walked away in shame.
For minutes, they moved in complete silence
Reflecting upon their bitter violence.

Blazing started, “We could have shown more care.”
Dandy added, “We should have done much more.”
“Eeyup, and now we’ve saddled that mare
with the mother of all chores.”

With the worst come to pass, who knew what would await
The trio of ponies after… wait, seriously? A pee break?!

Well that’s what happens when you down both of your hot chocolates just as I got halfway through! You’re supposed to pace yourselves!

Bah, fine! Go on, get to the bathroom. You too, Moony… and I guess you too, Luna. I guess everypony needs to go right now, huh?!

...Erm, including me.

A Tail to Chill (or Warm) the Heart, Part 2

Alright, everyone’s bladder fully emptied? The backup-backup hot cocoa is all set with another triple-backup right behind. Can’t believe it takes four cocoas to get through this story with you two…

Ahem, where did I leave off…

The three ponies pondered their options
Carefully considering each with caution
Dandy offered the first choice
Taking a moment to clear her voice

“We owe her for sheltering us in her home.
Perhaps I might offer up my humble abode?
If we spend some time to rig up a sled
I’m sure we could celebrate in my home instead!”

“That does sound like a great plan,”
Burly sighed. “One Ah’d get behind if I can.”
“But why not rebuild them a new place?
Boy, just imagine the happy look on her face!”

“I’m sorry Burly, but as good as that sounds
It’d just be covered in a big snow mound.
I can do something to hold off the weather
But we need something faster and better!”

Dandy looked to Burly and Blazing
Took their ideas, set her mind racing
Then an idea hit. “I know what we’ll do!
We’ll take all this snow and build an igloo!”

The others eyes lit up, nodding in agreement
Such a task was a feasible achievement
“I’ll draft the blueprint!” “And ah will get the snow!”
“I’ll fetch the family, flying as fast as I can go!”

Their priorities realigned, they took this as a sign
To set aside their differences one more time
To make right their wrongs on this chilly night
Trying their best and giving all their might

Blazing flew quickly back to the house
Reclaimed by the weather, what she’d seen
Was a cold den not fit for a mouse
And big and little hoofprints leaving the scene

She tracked them down to the entrance of a cave
Dark and spooky, somepony was very brave
Or crying, from the sounds she heard
Of the small foal sputtering words

“Mommy, this place is s-s-scary!
What if there are creepers or spiders that are hairy?!”
“Button, now isn’t the time to fret.
Once we start a fire there will be hope yet!”

“Hello? Is that you?” Blazing’s gravelly voice bellowed.
“Not you again! Leave, I’m not even close to mellowed!”
“No, wait! Please listen! We want to apologize!”
“Really?! Our house is gone! Did you forget to memorize?!”

“I know, but we want to fix our mistake!
You’ve given us hope, and we wish to remake
A new place for you to go
It’s a new house, a new home, you know?”

A few beats passed quietly, safe for the wind
As the mother glanced down at her little kin.
His shivering body and weak, tiny voice
Had given the mother little choice.

“We accept your offer,” she said with a pout.
“But I’ll have you know I still doubt.”
Blazing nodded. “Come on, it’s just around that bend!
Your new home’s being built by my new friends!”

Meanwhile, back at the construction site
Earth and unicorn produced quite the sight.
A modest snow castle with a solid foundation
Had more than enough room for accommodation.

Packed and carved solid snow brick
Made up the walls two bricks thick.
With ice panel windows inserted on the walls,
This chilly abode stood twenty feet tall!

The only thing that wasn’t made of snow
Was a stone fireplace with a chimney tower.
Why not made of snow? Well, don’t you know?
If they’d dare start a fire, there’d be melting within the hour!

It might not have been a perfect build,
But it would suffice to ward off some chill.
Moreso than a damp, dark cave
Or the old home the ice reclaimed.

Burly admired his work, Dandy studied the design
Both agreeing this turned out fine.
Surely the mother would accept this from the ponies
For this gift was genuine, certainly not phony!

But it was missing a few amenities:
A table, some chairs, and other furnishings.
Worse still, it lacked a good meal
So this wasn’t a perfect deal.

But as Blazing and her company crested the hill
The mother had appeared quite thrilled!
“Goodness, you’ve really built all of this?!”
She made no efforts to hide her bliss.

“Eeyup, miss,” Burly said with a small bow.
“I gathered up supplies, and Dandy brought her know-how!”
“That’s a funny way to talk about magic,” Dandy added with a playful glare.
“Don’t matter how it’s done to me. You made it work,” Burly said to the lime-green mare.

“But, uh, there’s a problem with our construction.
Tried as we might, we couldn’t make any furniture function!”
The mother held a hoof to her chin in thought,
Then smiled widely; there’s something yet to be brought!

“I’ll be right back! Watch over my boy!”
The mother decreed as she ran off the hill.
“Mom, wait! You still have my toys!”
But she missed those words, lost to the wind’s killing chill.

The boy grew worried, tears welling in his eyes.
Blazing reassured, “I’m sure she’ll be back with a cool surprise!
In the meantime, how does making snowponies sound?”
Button’s face lit up. “That’ll be awesome when mom comes around!”

And so the four ponies set to work,
Stopping only once for a snowball fight
Because Dandy wanted to be a little jerk!
Wrong as it was, the battle was so right.

But as time ticked, the snowponies became complete.
The mother had yet to return to the hill’s peak.
“I don’t see my mom. What’s taking her so long?”
As if on cue, she soon came along!

Having visited the old frozen home
The mother stacked furniture, much of what she owned.
Table, chairs, curtains, plates and drapes!
She wore the tablecloth as a hooded cape!

But centered in all of the tangled homely mass
Was a pot of frozen stew, another hefty mass.
‘Twas everything needed to reset the feast
All stacked and bound on the table, quite the feat at least.

“I’m going to need help bringing this down!
The hill is too steep!” she explained with a frown.
The others merely looked at each other and agreed
That the mother was truly in need.

Within minutes, the pot hung in the fireplace
As the ponies all arranged the dining space.
While it was not as gorgeous as Dandy’s
It still had a charm sweeter than candy.

And as they worked, the blizzard lost intensity
Friendship’s warmth halting it indefinitely.
However, the snowy home did not melt
But the stew did, and its aroma could be felt.

Pouring out the stew with joy
Each pony celebrated, especially the boy.
“Tonight, I declare this being clever.
This was the best-worst-best Hearth’s Warming ever!”

Everypony shared a laugh, good and hearty
Rounding out the night with a modest party.
And when the sun rose the next day
The guests all left, going on their merry way

But none would forget this fateful night
Beginning with fright and a faint light
Once bitter, all had become fantastic friends to each other
And would forever remember their names… except for the mother?

They’d keep in touch with letters they send
Distant they may be, they seemed just round a bend
Because that’s just what they are: good friends
And they’d stay that way for years and years… the… end…

Hm? Oh, sorry. I was just… thinking of an old student. It’s not too important. Anyway, that’s the story. Now then, I see we’re all tired.

Correction: Luna is straight-up snoring, and you two are almost nodding off. Let’s leave her here--I’ll get you two to bed.

I know you can’t hear me, but goodnight, sister. Sleep well.

Yelp Review of Saddle Row: Three Out of Five Spoons

Dear Twilight and friends,

I’ve recently acquired a copy of the Daily Flugel in great anticipation of how Rarity’s new boutique opened up. Well, that and the latest Spider-mare pictures, which seemed unusually stale in this copy. Just a few pictures of her swinging around the city posing for glamour shots--bit boring, really.

Now, I’ve thoroughly perused the review, and there’s a few things in here that are notably… discomforting. But before I get to that, I’ll start on a high note.

Rarity, you took this like a champ. You hadn’t done much in the way of doing anything wrong, although doing things wrong likely wasn’t in your itinerary. And I know just how busy you were setting up your frontal displays. A first impression like that’s the most important part of a boutique, so you clearly had your hooves full of work there. Well done.

Now, on to the rest of you.

Twilight, I will say that your triple organization system is nothing short of genius that only your OCD mind could produce under pressure. You probably even drafted up a few handy checklists for Coco and her associates to use so your incredibly efficient system sees its fair use.

However, when the dresses and outfits inevitably get sold and new fashions come in per Rarity’s new seasonal lines of clothing, they are not going to keep that kind of organization forever. How do I know this? Because I can stroll into Rarity’s boutique in Canterlot and see an arrangement on the racks best described as “flipped-turned upside down”. That’s what happens when you leave shopping ponies alone in a clothing store for less than five minutes. If there’s children, three minutes.

Shopping ponies are always inclined toward discord, no matter how big or small. Given how busy that street is, your triple-check system is practically destined to crumble under the weight of grabby hooves with little sense to return things where they found them. Gods help those employees Rainbow Dash hired--they’re in for the long haul trying to keep up with your organizational prowess. I doubt they will, but they’ll adapt their own system in time to work for them. Whatever it takes to keep up with the masses of ponies shuffling through that door.

Speaking of Rainbow Dash, I’m confused. Just very, very confused. You see, I thought you learned something important from the incident with the Wonderbolts not too long ago. But given your actions today, I really do wonder if you learned anything at all back at Wonderbolt Headquarters.

Surely you figured out that behaving like your friends didn’t do anything to help you there. Thus, I’m having difficulty coming to terms with why you thought thinking like your friend would be a valid option here. It’s a real mind-boggler. I mean, you even fully admitted you didn’t know anything about fashion in the first place, so where did you get off thinking you could bullcrap your way through that hiring process in front of three reasonably experienced professional salesponies? You’re not a princess, Rainbow Dash--you’re a Wonderbolt. If anything, you should be more subtle instead of boldface lying.

Now, I’m not saying your heart wasn’t in the right place. And even with this astounding misstep in the thinking process, you managed to turn things around for a benefit. But you, of all ponies here, should not have required this turnabout in the first place. Yet since this lesson apparently didn’t stick the first time around, I sincerely hope it sticks the second time.

I do not want to get on your ass for this a third time. No, wait, correction: you don’t want me to get on your ass for this a third time. It just won’t be pretty for either of us, I can assure you that much.

On to Appleblack. I’m not sure I have much to say to you, other than your treatment of a child’s ideas under the assumption of thinking Rarity is not interested in innovative ideas is nothing short of appalling.

The mare is a fashion magnate specializing in designing unique clothing. She even made a fashion line out of a hotel room under pressure, but incorporating spoons? Apparently, no thanks. I admit it doesn’t exactly sound appealing to wear silverware--I shudder to think of fork porcupine hats and knife skirts--but that’s what refining a rough idea is meant to help with to avoid such nightmarish gowns and headpieces.

Was Rarity in the proper mindset at the time she was asked to incorporate spoons and a door horn? Not with everything else going on, no. Maybe she could have used a copy or two of herself, which I would strongly advise against, but Rarity’s the type of girl to refine a rough diamond until it shines brightly. Maybe consider that first before you inject a blunt “no” in like you’re addressing your little sister.

Pinkie, I… I guess I have nothing to say! Y-Yep! Nothing! Just… Just fine! Yes, but, um… didn’t we talk about all the clones being put back? I thought we covered that, but there’s another one here breathing down my nee-hee-eeck!

No no, I wasn’t about to even try to talk about her turning part of Rarity’s boutique into a dance club! I’m sure that was all part of Rarity’s plans, even if… it wasn’t? Maybe it was something foreseeable in the near-future. And far future! Can’t forget tha-haat!

My neck hairs aren’t bristling! They’re… excited? Excited! Completely ecstatic! A-Anyway, you just keep on keeping-on, Pinkie. Surely you’ve done no wrong this day!

...I-Is she gone? I think she’s gone. Haah… Okay. Back to business.

Fluttershy, Fluttershy, you sit in an interesting spot. I, for one, earnestly believe Rarity would not tolerate a family of raccoons anywhere in her boutique. However, what bothers me is that’s an issue that should have been discussed with the landlord. Under reasonable circumstances, that doesn’t seem like a thing one could miss during a typical first inspection a pony takes when renting out a place so they’re not shafted with any undue repairs, unseen damages, or a family of squatting raccoons down on their luck.

Heh, “reasonable circumstances”. I say that as if that’s a thing that happens normally these days.

But I heartily praise your innovative thinking in incorporating them into the catering staff. Although that’s not the first thought that comes to mind when visiting a clothing boutique, nor is it a particularly sanitary option given those raccoons likely reeked of dumpster juice, sewer sludge and eau de coon. Although you did bathe them (hopefully you used a clothespin for your nose to avoid the smell), and their contribution is not to be overlooked. Who knows, it might inspire me to reconsider my stance on the pack of rats dwelling in one of my broom closets. This could go somewhere--I can feel it.

Of course, they’re completely terrified of our birds, but I can work around that. Probably.

That’s about it, but I do have one more thing for Rarity. Oh, and it’s for her eyes only, so no reading past this point for anypony besides Rarity, understand?

I mean it! Rarity’s eyes only past this point, got it?!

Rarity, I’ll be fair and honest. You got lucky. Very lucky. I know you read the review yourself by now, but I’m not sure if you have a grasp on exactly how lucky you are. Simply put, everypony could have screwed you over six-thousand ways from Sunday, and you wouldn’t have known how bad it was because they barricaded you with a chair. A chair! That alone merits at least a hundred “what if”s in regards to how badly they screwed the pooch by the time you first tried to leave.

But bravo to you for somehow not worrying your head off on those after essentially being stuck in a small box for what must have been roughly a third to half a day doing nothing but swapping out clothes on marequins. That takes an extraordinary amount of patience and/or a ludicrous amount of blind faith in your friends doing the right thing without even a single ounce of guidance, vision, or really any general input from your ideal imagining of your boutique.

I realize that’s the complete opposite of you cracking the whip the last time all of you visited Manehatten, but that doesn’t mean that this little-to-no direction option was the proper decision either. If your friends don’t know where you’re going, the decisions they make have more than enough potential to make things worse and steer away from your goal, regardless of however their approach may be.

To that end, the next time you try something like this, don’t gamble on them knowing what you want and instead make your goals crystal clear to them beforeplacing yourself in a spot where your friends can barricade you inside while they panic and try to fix things. It might just stop them from making assumptions (there’s that word again) about what you want and act with your best interest at heart with significantly lower chances of a disaster in the making.

That said, congratulations on your truly miraculous grand opening. I hope your boutique runs splendidly, as it should with a non-ill Coco at the helm, and wish you the best of luck in keeping it running.

No, really. After how lucky you were just for the opening, I do believe you need a lot more in the coming years.

Best of all the luck,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You really need to teach Coco proper sneeze etiquette. I feel like it shouldn’t have to be explicitly stated that somepony shouldn’t sneeze uncovered into another pony’s face… twice. Turn your head, use your foreleg, position the tissue in advance! Haaaaaaangh… but here we are, and unfortunately, it must be said.

Okay, what is that racket coming from the hallway?!

...You know what? I don't even want to know or compel myself to ask why you two are wearing what appears to be every piece of cookware in the kitchen except for the sink.

Larping? Well then... what exactly is your goal, oh wayfaring adventurers?

A monster to catch, is it? Hrmm... I think I just might have the perfect creature. A terrifying beast, one capable of sneaking up on a pony quieter than a mute mouse and able to swallow a whole pony in a single bite! Are you sure such a monster is something you can handle?

Very well. Come close. Closer. Ow, too close. Now… have you ever heard of the Nineteen-Legged Pink Pest?

Bonus: Stripes is Going to See Some Stars

Dear Candy Stripes,

Snnrk… ahem, my apologies. Mister Stripes, when I first looked into who you were, I did not see that name coming. Candy is just… well, I’m sure you’ve heard your fill of insults just from that name alone, so I won’t bother adding any more to that.

However, after reading the Saddle Row Review of Rarity For You, the interview brought something quite big to light about what you’ve done. Namely, your highly unethical extortion of Rarity in regards to hiring your daughter, Plaid Stripes, on her staff. A daughter, mind you, that apparently has about as much experience in fashion as Rainbow Dash, if slightly more at best in terms of her unusually novel ideas.

Now, I would absolutely adore telling you off in regards to how you made your daughter’s employment a condition to keep the rent at its originally agreed-upon rate being one of the most abhorrent things I’ve seen this month. It’s a disgusting ploy that I would personally love for you to see some due process for, were it not for the fact that Rarity managed to work with your adjusted terms, and at present time does not have any current issues with the arrangement.

However, there is still a rather large concern. I am fully aware of Manehatten having basically no rent control laws in place, and those that do exist don’t apply to your building at all. Thus, I know that you know you are more than capable of charging Rarity’s rent sky-high regardless of your daughter’s employment in her business.

But you’re not going to do that, are you? Because it’s one thing to give an unreasonable demand with threat of rent increase, and it’s another to still raise the rent even if that demand is met. Why, that second part sounds like the sort of situation for Rarity to tell Coco to start laying off staff just to keep up with your increased rent payments, and surely you wouldn’t try to make sure your daughter is exempt from such treatment? Because she won’t. I should then hope you don’t make any rash decisions in that case, such as threatening to raise the rent higher if Plaid’s on the chopping block. Nepotism only carries so much weight, Candy Stripes, and this particular action will let you see its breaking point. And with that, I issue a formal warning.

Should this situation or something similar like it come to pass, I’ll make sure you will see your day in court. My court. Not the courts of Manehatten where mob bribery is a thing every other trial (not for long), but a hallowed court where the truth of your actions shall be laid bare, including your original extortion which happens to still be illegal. Landlord retaliation is quite a nasty thing, Candy Stripes, and you’ll find out just how nasty it can get if you happen to push the wrong buttons.

Of course, you could always take no action if, for any reason, Plaid gets fired regardless of the rent status. That would be the smart thing to do as opposed to forcibly evicting a tenant that has fully acted within their legal rights to do.

Oh, there is one small thing. Well, not small. It’s quite huge, actually. You see, I’ve been bothering Mayor Mulligan about the current housing conditions of Manehatten, which saw fit to make alleyway homes an actual thing.

As of hearing about this review, I’ll be discussing with him in person about some of the outlandish rent rates in Manehatten, as you are not the only one with no restrictions on rent. If all goes well, you should expect some citywide rent regulation laws by the end of the month.

Again, I must state that you do nothing rash with this information. I extended this tidbit to you as a courtesy, not an insult. I have no real reason to tell you of this change (in fact I’m sure you would have heard about it on your own in time) this far in advance, but should you decide to alter the rent and “pretend” it’s not related to these new regulations, we’ll have another talk about good ethics in person.

It’ll be a twelve-hour lecture. Bring a thick notebook.

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I think it’s for the best that noone knows your name is actually Candy Stripes. Maybe change it to just Mister Stripes. That way, noone will ever know the truth. Except for me, that is.

It’ll be our little secret.

Bonus: Dear Applejack

Dear Applejack,

How are you doing, Applejack? I should hope you’re doing well. Granny seems to be fine, which is a great sign you’re doing a good job keeping the orchard functioning.

When I visited the orchard last month, I was surprised at how well you maintain the grounds. It had this sense of following a well-practiced routine, one followed for years without fail. And because you didn’t have a single soul tell you a word otherwise regarding your upkeep, what reason would you have to change what already works, Applejack?

That being said, Applejack, if what works for you are patchwork types of repair and methodical execution of these small fixes, far be from me to turn you away from these solutions if they are able to withstand the everlasting test of time or the burdens of day-to-day use. I can personally vouch for your use of duct tape as well--you have no idea how many plant pots I’ve had to repair with that and a jar of resin. Actually, scratch that--I have no idea how many I’ve fixed now. It’s at least over a hundred though. But as much as I accept the power of a roll of sticky tape, it is merely a temporary fix.

After getting a bit of context for your situation, I realize that in a rush your efforts were quite acceptable, if reckless. Applejack, how badly did you want that steam bath to think blatantly ignoring basic safety measures was a smart move? Applejack, you have no idea how close you came to a supervillain origin story doing something like this!

Was it too much to ask them to shut down the boiler for fifteen, twenty minutes? You had an hour! Or were you thinking of the line of ponies clamoring for all the hot towels despite it worsening the problem, yet they still wanted it? Were they truly so dense that they couldn’t let go of a service that didn’t exist until a week ago?

That last one was a rhetorical question, by the way. I hope you don’t answer that honestly, Applejack. But at the very least, I hope you did clarify that your fix was not a permanent job. You knew that going into this, but I’m not sure they know how long your repair is really going to last, and I know you don’t want to be “that mare” to call when things inevitably break down again a few months down the line.

Anyway, Applejack, even though I’m nitpicking your less-than-professional work ethic, that’s not the only reason I’m writing this. I know that you know that for years, I’ve been butchering your name to oblivion. In fact, I can feel your eyes practically rubbing all over the parchment, scanning for all the times I mention your name. You’re looking for a mistake, something to tell you this is just your imagination.

Well, I’m here to tell you that such a worry is fruitless, Applejack. Really now, what would I have to gain from making fun of your name like this? A snicker? A giggle? Full-on hearty guffaws? Definitely not the last one--the other two, however… oh, but like I said, you needn’t worry about such things. It’s a small jest, so don’t let it get to your head.

Take care, Appleshack. And tell Granny I said hello.

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

~~~

Granny, did you get the two-way journal I sent you a few days ago?

‘Ah did. You’re getting this?’

Clear as day.

‘Is that a pun?’

...Maybe. Anyway, I just sent your granddaughter a letter. Just warning you in advance that she might scream when she gets to the end.

‘...Oh, I can’t wait to read that! You want me to tell you when she starts screaming?’

Mmhmm, and I’ll tell you when I hear it from Canterlot.

Flutter, I Can't Believe That's Your Brutter

Dear Fluttershy,

How come I never knew you had a brother? I feel like this was obvious information that we had covered once before, especially since Rainbow Dash also knows about your brother. Correction: he thinks she’s absolutely smitten with him (I doubt that) and wants to snuggle up with him in a nice fluffy cloud bed (I severely doubt that) while some singing ponies belt out a mood-setting tune as they bask in my sister’s glorious moonlight (seriously, your brother has an insane imagination if he thinks that would go down as he envisions it).

Now, you might be wondering why I know him, and the answer is remarkably simple:

He’s my new mane stylist!

And I simply must say he’s doing wonderful work so far! I’ve been trying for centuries to find a good stylist that understands how to work with my flowing river of a mane, but to think your brother was the one pony I needed to get it done properly?! It’s nigh unthinkable, you might say!

Yet it is so, and tonight he’s done his finest work yet. It’s a work of art so astounding and miraculous I’m surprised you thought he should keep to “normal” manestyling when clearly my mane is one of the most abnormal things in Equestria. Yes, this hair is just perfect for the fashion show I’m attending soon, and it’ll twist and turn heads all over the studio.

After all, it’s a tornado! A small one that’s more like the inside of an active blender, but it spins and everything! He even dyed it to look like someone vomited in it--it’s so psychedelically horrifying it will all but ensure everypony at the show stares in shock and awe at a fashion trend so avant-garde it will shake the foundations of Canterlot fashion in an instant!

Just imagine it: nobleponies trotting around my city with twister manes and dust devil tails! Oh, it will just look so disastrous, so messy… and oh so hilarious! I simply could not have done this without Zephyr’s unique sense of style, Fluttershy!

Oh, and he asked me to write you a thank-you note for helping him get this far! I am more than happy to oblige (just this once, any others he’ll do on his own time). If you hadn’t pushed him to succeed, he would have never found his place by me.

Never, because outside of his good work ethic and fabulous talent in mane design, his behavior around my staff is absolutely rancid. He’s only spent a single day in my castle, and I already have a stack of sexual harassment complaints from every mare in this castle, including me. It’s like he has this odd thought that now that he’s a somepony, it’s okay to be a rude, ego-inflating ass just because he does a good job that pays well.

Unfortunately for him, there’s still a thing called “workplace etiquette” that he still needs to learn, and learn now. Do note that I’m not saying you should probably come by soon and help teach him how not to be a smug prick. However, if this stack of complaints reaches the ceiling of my tower (it’s currently halfway and slowly rising), I’ll have to fire him.

I also warn you that if further complaints arise from his workplace behavior from other barbers or manestylists, I will be forced to blacklist him as a warning to any other hairy business across Equestria that he is not a pony they’ll want to hire due to his disgusting behavior around others. If he can’t learn to be respectful around other ponies, it doesn’t matter how skilled he is at his craft. There is no “me” in team… wait, I think that should be “I”, and working with others is key for his success.

I’m not giving up on him, despite my complaints. Thus, I’ll be giving him a once-over six-hour lecture on how not to be a self-centered egomaniac shortly. If he doesn’t learn anything from it, I might require your assistance assuming you’re willing to help your dear little brother once again.

I’ll keep in touch should it come to that.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Luna! There you are--oh my, did Zephyr do your hair too?!

I know! A black hole bun really does suit you! I, uh, hope it hasn't crushed anything though.

We're fine so long as nopony touches it? Good, good. Most ponies will want to keep some distance out of respect as well. Anyway, have you hired the photographer?

...Erm, Pinkie is an unexpected choice, dear sister. But so long as she keeps her distance from you, I'm sure nothing could possibly go wrong.

Wait, no. There is one thing. Oh, Zephyr? Could you come here, please?

There you are. You are aware of our body doubles, correct? I know you might want to try something different, possibly out-of-this-world with them, but do exercise some restraint for now. Keep your maneiac ideas for us until we feel confident that they can handle your styles, okay?

Allspice Doesn't Spice Up All the Things in Life

Dear Residents of Restaurant Row,

Finally. It took all of you this long to actually make some decent grub in my city that didn’t taste like eating shoe leather covered in a dab of creme fraiche. At last I can stop attending coffee shops, doughnut parlors and Cinnamon Chai’s delectable bakery and actually get some variety that extends beyond typical breakfast and dessert fare.

Honestly, did it occur to any of you why I didn’t eat at these “highly-rated” restaurants serving only the “best” cuisine according to the words of a pony that’s no more qualified to critique a meal than a common tourist regardless of how important she feels her word is? Even I, as a princess, have no more sway in qualifying a meal than a pony that prefers her food to be as bland and tasteless as her sex life. Yet you treat her word and only her word as the be-all, end-all of fine dining in Canterlot.

Really, who relies on the word of a single pony for a restaurant recommendation these days? How is it that my city doesn’t understand the concept of second opinions and individuality after all this time? It took a fashion-forward mare to open the eyes of the Canterlot elite to a broader view of unique clothing options, yet nopony seemed to notice the unique corner bistros and bakeries all because of a single critic’s bizarre taste in food.

Yet… ironically said fashion mare almost ruined things by advocating some equal, bland conformity for food and also putting too much faith in a friend’s word when they were a disrespectful friend. At least, this is according to Zesty’s review of a place called Tasty Treats, who now considers her friendship with Rarity to be as palatable as a bucket of color dye. I don’t know about you, but that response seems far too salty for her palate.

But what do I know? I’m just a pony critic.

But back to you lot on Restaurant Row. Surely now you understand the necessities of gauging the true value of criticism that is not just from a single mind with singular tastes. This is not to say that her words aren’t completely useless--subtlety is a good factor when used properly in your cuisine, and can make a meal more exquisite if pulled off correctly. However, subtlety is truly admired when used in conjunction with other actual flavors.

Subtle taste, on its own, contributes nothing substantial. That’s the point of subtlety, and it receives true appreciation when the food already tastes great without it, but fantastic with it. It does not grant considerable improvement on bland taste from the outset because… Well, that should be obvious. I hope that’s not being too subtle.

So don’t incorporate subtleties in your food… or do. It doesn’t make a huge impact either way. But do keep your food individualized and unique, and maybe show what makes your restaurant yours, and not a critic’s. Do this and maybe I might actually take a walk down Restaurant Row and eat a flavorful meal with more of an impact than a leftover crumb of a garlic crouton sitting on my lips after eating salad.

Yes, I really do eat salad. Please keep that in mind and don’t assume I’ll default to your dessert menu like every other restaurant I’ve visited. I appreciate variety.

Thanks in advance,

Princess Celestia

Sunny! Moony?! Goodness, calm down!

I can’t quite make out what you’re saying with all this blubbering… ah, I’ll just use this. Now, why are you two crying?

"Gourd R-R-Raspberry. We… We wanted some critique on a few moon goods, and found out he’s a really good critic.”

I see. And what was his judgment?

“He-he-he said our moon scones tasted like a--hic--bucking scorched meteorite!"

“And o-our sweet biscuits wouldn’t even be worthy to feed his dog!”

“He even called us donkeys! DONKEYS! We’re not donkeys, we’re ponies!”

That’s… uh, not what he meant by that, Sunny. But did he tell you what was wrong with the food?

“Y...Yes.”

Then I’d like to try your treats as well. I’ll give you my feedback, then you try making it again.

“Bu-But what if we mess it up again?! I don’t want to get yelled at!”

Don't worry about it. I’ll have a chat with Gourd before your second batch is done. And if you do mess up, just try it again until you get it right! Now, let me try those scones and biscuits first!

Princess Celestia Has Dyed, Part 1

WANTED

Dyeing Hooligan That Turned Me Pink

Dearest citizens of Canterlot,

I require your aid in locating a miscreant that saw fit to prank me in one of my most vulnerable and sacred locations. And before you start guessing, no, it’s not the kitchen.

It’s not the second kitchen either. It’s my bathroom.

I seek any individual(s) with the stealth, capability and/or innate talent of infiltrating my castle tower and staining the contents of my lavender and rose-scented Dreamy Time Bubble Bath bottle with Red Dye No. 40. I say “any” because I have no earthly idea who did it, other than they had acted with a sense of professionalism and did not disturb any other contents in my room or the bathroom. Only my bubble bath was targeted, meaning this was an act of severe prank aggression. And it will not go unpunished.

If you have any information on any suspicious individuals prowling around Canterlot or near the castle grounds, do not hesitate to write a response or seek an audience with me. I’m open to any leads at this time. And to sweeten the pot, if your information successfully leads to the capture of the neer-do-well that dyed my bubble bath, I promise a ten—no, twenty thousand bit reward. Alternatively, a choice of one item from my priceless jewelry collection is on the table for those wealthy enough to scoff at the bit reward, but oogled at my jewelry like a foal outside a candy shop window. You know who you are.

Help me locate this “funny” prankster, dear citizens, and I shall be forever thankful for your aid.

Your Unfortunate Pink Princess,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Anypony attempting to loophole their way into claiming the reward will be gifted a mandatory ten-hour lecture on the subject of “How to Not Waste My Time With Your Money-grubbing Shenanigans”. You also know who you are. Don’t try it, please.

Princess Celestia Has Dyed, Part 2

Suspect List

Pinkie Pie: The obvious suspect. Pink coat dyeing is possibly correlated to her overzealous pink-dyed acolytes (does she think I’m one of her biggest fans?), and she has indisputable, inexplicable access to my bathroom. This might be some kind of obscure Pinkist baptism, but that’s wild speculation. Could just be a “harmless” prank.

Or it could be more. I dread the thought of asking Pinkie if she had anything to do with this. But I might not have a choice in the matter if she comes to visit unannounced…

Huh. She didn’t appear unannounced at this very timely moment. Shame, that would have saved me a bit of time. And scared me out of my fuzzy pink slippers and pink robe.

…I don’t own fuzzy pink slippers and a pink robe! These were white! Eggshell white!

Calm down, Tia. Deep breathing. Deeeeep breathing—no, this means war. Though it might not be war against her.

Luna: Definitely a viable revenge prank coming from her. Far be it from me to put her above such devious pranking when I pranked her last week by swapping out the sugar container with salt in the kitchen prior to her morning coffee.

Her spittake after drinking a cup of hot caffeinated ocean water was priceless, and she swore revenge for such “betrayal of a sacred morning ritual”.

If she did do this, then well played, sister. I obviously need to step up my game.

Sunny and/or Moony: Both have a high propensity for causing a never-ending storm of aimless shenanigans and unfortunate, unusual accidents. It’s entirely possible they dyed me on accident (or on purpose) somehow.

I don’t know how they would have had the thought of dyeing my bubble bath bottle, but attaching a train of logic to their thinking is just asking for it to be derailed immediately. Even so, I can’t rule them out.

Appleclack: ...Well, if she did do it, I had it coming for a looooong time.

But that won’t stop the misnaming. No, I think that would just escalate even more, perhaps even starting on the new way to poke fun at her name.

Brace yourself, Pineapplejack.

Rainbow Dash: A notable pranker. Certainly has a bone or two to pick with me regarding her Wonderbolt status.

Not sure if she’d be smart enough to sabotage my bubble bath bottle—seems too subtle for her.

Discord: If this is his idea of toning down his chaotic nature, this is a real funny way of showing it.

Note to self: Ask Fluttershy if she’s tightened his collar and/or shortened his leash post-Tirek.

Various ponies on my castle staff: After everything they’ve been putting up with from me, Luna, Sunny and Moony, I can see this as a form of payback. Janitor Jenkins in particular has consistently put up with the most from all of us.

I’ll admit, the execution of this prank was quite clean… hrm… I’ll consider this.

Me all along??: Unless I’m starring in a movie directed by M. Night Shyamallama, I don’t think so.

Principal Celestia: Okay, I lied. Maybe it’s her. That spacetime tear in my bathroom kind of makes that easy for us to mess with each other’s bath products.

And I clogged her toilet that one time and didn’t tell her (not sure why I thought I could hide that). I wanted to try it just once!

I don’t think offering a clean chamberpot afterward was enough of an apology.

Mayor Mare and/or Granny Smith: I should have considered these two way sooner than this. Two best friends that know my castle like the back of their hoof, and they even know about my love for bubble baths.

So of course I suspect them for this, because best friends can sometimes be the most clever and unsuspecting pranksters.

Unless you know they happen to be pranksters. And I definitely do.

Anyway, I think that’s about all of the big suspects I have. More not yet considered may be added later, but for now this is good enough to start my initial investigation. But first, some stress-relieving cupcakes!

...WHY is the frosting pink?! AAAAAAAA—

Princess Celestia Has Dyed, Part 3

Journal Entry, dated… eh, it’s Tuesday and I’m still pink. I guess that makes it Pink Tuesday.

So, I learned exactly why I’ve been seeing far too many things as pink. Somepony stuck pink-tinted contacts on my eyes last night.

Ordinarily, this would have been a difficult thing to accomplish. But ever since Sunny and Moony thought it’d be funny to drop bowls of their leftover moon dust frosting on my head, I’ve been sleeping with my eyes open to ward off their sweet sneak attacks. Although I will say that their frosting was horrifyingly delectable. It’s like eating a monster made out of cotton candy!

Unfortunately, my solution to their deviant behavior left my eyes vulnerable to sabotage as I slept. I don’t know if they figured it out on their own, but I do know that whoever knew I was doing it to ward them off had the chance to plant the contacts.

And, frankly, that narrows down my list significantly to those that I’ve told about this nighttime solution, whom I’ve sworn to secrecy to keep it away from Sunny and Moony’s anxious, listening ears. And while I’d love to believe this excludes the Pink One, that’s a laughable notion.

Of course she knows. She always knows.

But all the same, I’ll speak with the first pony I’ve truly told of this particular habit. I realize today’s been incredibly busy, what with her taking on a few of my duties as I spent most of my afternoon trying (and failing) to scrub off this horrid pink color off of my coat. I could tolerate this kind of color for my hair—heck, a third of my mane and tail still keeps said natural color—but turning my whole body this color makes me feel… doll-like. Plasticky. I don’t like this one bit.

...What if I shave it off? Yes, I can regrow my coat, can’t I? Light bleaching, a touch of magic mojo, a loofah and a pumice stone aren’t cutting it, so why not actually cut it?

No, Tia! Stop thinking so drastically. Just get Luna to help. She’ll help, she’s a good sister. A great sister that may or may not have done this to me, but will surely be there in my time of need.

...Right? I mean, sure, she knows when I’m sleeping, certainly has free access to my room and has a very good motive for taking me down, but she’ll help me out with trying to fix this, won’t she?

NO wait! What if… what IF she decides to shave my hair? And what if I agree to that in desperation?! She’ll have me right where she wants me, and once it’s gone and cut there’s nothing I can do but wait for it to grow back! I can’t even risk magical hair extension—I tried that with my mane, and ponies clear over in Rainbow Falls asked me why a tri-color rainbow shot across the sky! Just imagine if I tried that on my body…

No, I dare not consider the results. The fluffy, puffy results. And I can’t get Luna’s help if she’ll just sabotage my recovery efforts further and—ah, she’s here at the door!

Uh, everything’s fine in here Luna! Still pink, but I’m working on it!

I don’t need your help! You’ll cut all of my coat hair! ALL OF IT!

Yes, you will! And I won’t allow it! NEVER!

Princess Celestia Has Dyed, Part 4

Journal Entry 20/7: 003

Date: “Pink” Wednesday, apparently. Entries 001 and 002 formerly presumed today was a normal Wednesday.

Yesterday, my sister had lost her marbles. Oh, how I wish that statement referred to her bag of marbles lost long ago, but this is not so literal an interpretation.

We have pushed her a bit too far with our prank. Sunny and Moony dyeing her coat should have been the stopping point, but then I had the truly devilish idea of applying tinted contacts while she slept.

Today, I greatly regret such a decision. My sister has fled the premises after falsely believing I would cut her coat hair in an attempt to fix the dyeing issue. To think she’d leap to such a conclusion… but given her constantly escalating paranoia, I suppose this was inevitable, in a way.

But I digress. She needs to come back soon, preferably today. I’m already fielding far too many questions asking about where she is, most of them coming from ponies with cameras… on second thought, all of the questions came from ponies with cameras. Taking a picture of her while she’s pink must be quite the prize for the news and tabloids. Hrmm… I wonder just how much that is—

Ah, there’s the guards now. Hopefully they bring the news I’ve been waiting for.

...What do you mean the renovation crew left?! Weren’t they supposed to repaint the walls a fresh coat of white at this hour?

A pink pony attacked them? Well, Celestia didn’t ask them to paint over any pink splotches, so who… Oh. Ooooh noooo. That’s her solution to the problem? It’s not watercolor paint, what is she thinking?!

Then, unfortunately, I will have to validate her previously false belief. Guards, relay this order to the other castle staff:

Keep a watchful eye out for my sister. She will make a return, and when she does, kindly escort her to her chambers. Pretend nothing is wrong with her return, regardless of her appearance. Don’t give her any signs or impressions of anything suspicious in store for her. Tell her that I’m resting in my quarters, and when she inevitably asks if I told you to state that, tell her I’m actually in the kitchen instead ensuring her new batch of “secret” cupcakes are as far away from pink in color as possible, and I’ll bring them to her when they’re done.

If she asks that I’m sampling said cupcakes, also say yes. I realize I’m asking you to lie through your teeth, but this is the most convincing lie you could tell her. It’s been true a few times before; just not now.

Once she enters the room, cast a soundproof barrier around the top section of her tower. What I’m going to do in there can and will get loud. On that note, ensure a few of the maids have earmuffs, and locate Sunny and Moony. I’ll need their assistance for this.

I sincerely hope she won’t be desperate enough to paint some of her mane, but if she does, she really won’t like what comes next. Should that happen, you maintain that barrier as if your very lives depended on it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find a good pair of shears.

Princess Celestia Has Dye—er, Shaved? Final Part

Journal Entry, dated Friday. Just Friday. The Pink is no more.

After a day or two of self-reflection, I have come to a firm understanding on what a naked mole rat feels like. Sunscreen, an item I previously considered to be pointless for me, carries more weight to me now than my golden regalia. I may be a long-lived solar princess, but the last thing I want is the sun burning me right now.

It doesn’t stop me from feeling like an avocado, however. But I digress. Luna was right in assessing that my decision to paint over the pink was one not made with a sound mind. And though she admitted responsibility and accepted the blame for all of her actions taken over the past few days, I still accept the fact that my paranoia had blown the situation to outrageous proportions.

However, due punishment has been swift and sweet. Sunny and Moony, at fault for the initial dyeing, have begrudgingly accepted a most harrowing agreement: no moon baking or access to painting tools for a week, and Sunny had to wear her hair much shorter than she usually preferred.

She’ll grow it back in time, as will mine. But on the plus side, I now own a fabulous wig technically made from my hair in case any more mane-related butchering happens again. I firmly hope and pray it doesn’t.

The punishment reserved for Luna, however, is a tad more “eye for an eye”. She allowed me to exact a punishment equal to that which I had received over the past week. ‘Tis quite the grand offer, and one I accepted graciously… well, as best as a shaved pony wearing a tricolor wig can.

With one small caveat: I let her know I’ll prank her big in return.

She just won’t know when it’ll happen. But I did tell her just one thing about the prank.

Her week will be an orange week. I’ll need a certain acquaintance to make it work, but I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to help with this little small request.

Sleep well, sister. For as long as you can.

Sometimes, Reality IS Stranger Than Fanfiction

Dear Twilight,

First off, I thank you for taking the time to come out to the friendship summit at Griffonstone. I realize that the timing of the Daring Do convention happening the same day as the summit truly must have been a downer for you, but I know you understood that a friendship summit doesn’t carry as much weight without… well, a Princess of Friendship present for the proceedings.

Diplomacy: sometimes it’s just full of awful timing, am I right?

But I assure you, going to this summit when Griffonstone is beginning to rebuild itself and claw its way back up to recivilization shows how much we care about others in the land. Plus you got to visit Griffonstone for the first time since it’s been rebuilt! I mean, that had to be exciting for you! It certainly was for me, seeing many a building in the town almost restored to former glory, Griffons haggling over the fair price of goods less often than usual, and the castle doesn’t look like it has any broken windows, even if the main door is completely missing off its hinges!

Okay, it’s really showing signs it’s still a work in progress, but it’s making strides where it can! That counts for something.

Now, in regards to this convention you wanted to attend, don’t worry. I have it on good authority it wasn’t as good as it potentially could have. Many of the guests complained A.K. Yearling only stayed for an hour or two at most before leaving to handle some ‘personal errands’ that simply could not wait. I’m not surprised at such a turn of events—she hardly has time to relax even in her own home, I’ve heard.

I’ve also received a letter from Rainbow Dash, surprisingly. I guess she was just too eager to share her experience, talking about adventuring with Daring Do out in some unexplored temple and finding new treasure. And she even brought a new friend along for the fun, it seems.

It sounds like she had a great time on one of those fan-formed expeditions to me. They even had a really convincing Caballeron, and the way she talks about it as if it’s real? It’s an adorable story. But... if it’s real, then Rainbow took a lot of unnecessary risks with her friend. Was it so hard for her to carry Quibble over that old suspension bridge? Or carry him anywhere that they had run into danger that didn’t leave them bound in rope or in some situation where flying somehow wasn’t an option?

Perhaps he was heavier than she thought. She didn’t say anything about his weight, but I bet that’s it. That also makes their mud-skiing idea at the end a bit less clever and more a necessity.

Now, I’m sure Rainbow Dash has also told you of this already, and certainly wouldn’t spare any details. But to me, even a tale like this can still receive a bit of healthy criticism without coming from an asinine person. Quibble’s learned quite a bit of how that’s supposed to work, and I do hope he takes that lesson from Rainbow to heart in this venture. Or at the very least be humbled instead of arrogant and insisting on denial. Whatever helps him sleep at night…

Anyway, I’m a bit sad I couldn’t make it either, but at least I got a copy of Ring of Destiny signed thanks to a friend that attended on my behalf. I have a feeling you might have done something similar with Rainbow Dash, and I very much doubt she wouldn’t forget such an important request from you.

Nope. She’s responsible, and wouldn’t have any real reason at all to forget it. Not a one.

Oh dear, I should get going soon. But before I end this, I wanted to let you know that the next summit’s being held at Yakyakistan.

For the love of all that is good, don’t bring a pony-written guide to Yakyakistan culture with you.

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

Sunny, there you are! I’ve been meaning to ask, but where did you and Moony get the fabric for that Ahuizotl costume?

...I see. So that’s where Luna’s bedsheets disappeared to. I’ll find her and let her know it’s not a stalker or angry maid. Or a stalking angry maid.

Wait, what’s that you’re hiding behind you? It looks kind of like a pillow.

A… Daring Do body pillow. Well, uh… thank you for being thoughtful?? I’ll put this to good use! Probably!

Wow, Daring Do is wrapped up in way too much rope. She might as well be thrown in a barrel for good measure. But it is quite soft…

I’ll consider using it, but only for the softness!

Put the Cart Before the Pony if the Pony Rides the Cart

Dear Mayor,

I’m rather surprised hearing that the derby races in Ponyville started up again after a three year hiatus. I didn’t think a yearly tradition as fun and exciting as racing applewood carts would have ceased in the first place—I assumed it was still running like clockwork, since you hadn’t mentioned it stopping even once over such a lengthy span of time.

But I do understand the reasons behind shutting it down for a while. Because really now, the racetrack’s design basically encourages crashing given that it crosses over a single point three times in the circuit! Who thought this was a brilliant idea for a racetrack children are driving on?!

That was fixed after this last race, correct? Please tell me that was fixed. It’s not difficult to arrange for a bridge and tunnel to be built at that point, if not outright redesign the track so it isn’t a twisted pretzel.

Actually, why build it so that it cuts through and around the middle of the town? I know how fast these carts can go, and very much doubt a few scattered single layers of hay bales will do anything to stop the speedy ones. Do you have that much faith they won’t crash into somepony’s house on a hairpin turn? Because I don’t.

Hey, Sunny! Are you sure the straps are supposed to be this tight?

That’s better. Now I can feel my hind legs again.

Ahem. However, I’m not sure the issue is just the racetrack here. You mentioned that Rainbow Dash, Applesmack and Rarity all exhibited childish, self-serving behavior during the race. I can understand Rainbow Dash behaving like that—that’s not even a question in my mind at this point. And frankly, Snapplejack is so deeply rooted in traditional nonsense (moreso than Granny, shockingly) I’d be stunned if she had opened her mind to new ideas from her little sister from the outset.

But Rarity? Rarity?? I earnestly believed despite her faults that she was the most mature pony of the group. How petty was she to outshine her little sister for a first place creativity ribbon? Does she not own boutiques in three different locations across Equestria, each one wildly successful in its own right? Is that not enough “winning” for her?

Haaaaaaaanghhh… well, it seems that mature title now belongs to Fluttershy, at least until she has the next immature incident of the week. If I have to pass the title onto Pinkie Pie of all ponies…

No, I’d rather see it go to Glimmer first. Or anypony but Pinkie, really. I’d even give it to Discord—at least he knows where the boundaries of acceptable behavior are. Usually.

Anyway, I’m about to be quite occupied soon, so I must cut this reply short. I’ll come by in a few days to hang out—I can’t wait to hear Granny’s thoughts about her granddaughter after this incident. I can hear it now: “She’s the reason Ah sleep in on the weekends.”

See you soon,

Princess Celestia

Alright, helmet’s on. Luna, you and Moony all set for the first trial run?

Yes, we absolutely had to start this at the top of the mountain. Cloudsdale has an entire racetrack made of clouds and loop-de-loops! Should we not make ours just as thrilling?

Of course this isn’t safe yet! That’s why we’re testing it to make sure nopony goes careening off the mountainside when this course is finished. I am nothing if not thorough about this endeavor, sister. Now put your helmet on so we can get started!

I'll Be Reading These Scrolls Four Weeks Later

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I thought that you matured somewhat over the years. Sure, you had some ups and a lot of downs, but you were growing and becoming a better pony day by day, step by step. Becoming a Wonderbolt surely had to be a leap ahead for you, and I imagined it would lead to nothing but forward progression.

What I did not envision was this leap being so huge, you thought you could afford to take a few steps backward. So far back, in fact, that I did not expect to be struck with a storm of scrolls, a plethora of parchment, waves upon waves of words!

Yes, words. I’m still reading all of these scrolls you had Spike send. It’s… It’s just--HOW MUCH do you write in your spare time?! I’ve probably read at least twelve full-length Daring Do fanfictions, two hundred-plus shipping stories and counting (never in my life did I think I’d read a tragic romance between a bag of flour and a straw until today), a list of minor home improvement tasks graciously penned by Twilight, a smaller shopping list consisting of nothing but tortoise food and cider penned by you, and a note reminding you to read a note you posted on the side of your fridge.

You might want to look into that last one. I just opened up a note telling you to look at the note you wrote on the front of your fridge saying you should check the side of the fridge. This is a bizarre trail of cookie crumbs you’re leaving for yourself, a step-by-step treasure map to… oh I don’t know, a giant cookie stash?

Seriously, Rainbow Dash. Where are the filly scout cookies? I special ordered a half-dozen boxes to be delivered to my doorstep that haven’t shown up tonight, and I know thanks to Mayor Mare that you swapped the cookies.

I will make this particular request (I considered calling it a demand, but I wish to still remain cordial here) very clear: I. Want. My. Cookies. You’re going to send my order to me, in person. Frankly, that’s a ridiculously simple task that even you can accomplish in less than five minutes if you bother to put in a few ounces of effort.

But if you fail to do this task, a few things are going to happen, none of which you’re going to like: first, I’m charging you one bit for every scroll you sent me for various damages from the scrolls you sent. Not so much physical damage, but mostly psychological--my guards haven’t quite prepared themselves for a literal flood of fanfiction, much less stories shipping them with me.

I think if anypony should know that I have an interest in courting my guards, that would be me above all else, not your imaginative and somewhat lewd speculation.

Second, I’ll send all of your fanfiction right back to your home. I realize this might be an unimaginative comeback, but I don’t quite think you have a grasp of how swamped I am at the moment, and the very least I want to do is show you exactly how frustrating this is.

But there is a catch. The third thing I’ll do just before sending those off is I’ll make a copy of all the shipping stories you sent, and send those copies out to the relevant ponies you’ve shipped. I’m sure they’ll be just as receptive to those as I was, especially the ones you’ve written about ponies currently engaged or married. “They could do better,” is a line I’m sure they won’t take offense to at all!

So if you don’t want this storm to come to your cloudy home, I suggest you start flying.

Warning you ‘softly’,

Princess Celestia

Sunny, why are you holding a scroll up to me right now? You know I have thousands more to sort through--

Y-You wrote a story? After seeing a few of those shipping scrolls? Aaaaaalright, fine, I suppose I can read one more.

...Sunny, are you shipping yourself with a croquembouche? You do realize that’s just a sweet mountain of cream puffs, typically shared between other guests?

NO, that does not mean I want to be written into your cream puff story! I don’t care if you think I would ravage that cream puff mountain, even if I most certainly would, that doesn’t mean I’d share one with you!

Wait, no, that’s not what I meant! Sunny, where are you going? SUNNY!

...Well, I really screwed that one up.

The Times Have Already Changed! Get With the Program.

My Darling Cadance,

I’m sitting at a rustic little table outside Cuppa Joe’s cafe, calmly nursing a cup of the finest brewed beans in Canterlot. I’m also reading this report you sent me regarding how you pleasantly accommodated a changeling by the name of Thorax, and graciously welcomed him into the Crystal Empire after a weeks-long crusade of hunting this changeling down.

You then calmly and ‘rationally’ explained how your deep-seeded fears from your wedding day years ago had driven you and Shining into a paranoid mess of parents protecting your child from that potentially dangerous changeling at the time, and how it took Spike the Brave and Glorious a gloriously unnecessary musical number to relay a message of tolerating change that you, the Princess of Love, needed to be reminded of.

Now, far be it from me to suggest you needed this reminder. Surely in your boring time at the Crystal Empire you’ve come across at least a few highly undesirable citizens and tourists that have tested your patience like mine do on a daily, almost hourly basis. You should have tolerated these undesirable folk, although to be fair, they didn’t belong to a race of changelings that trashed your wedding many years ago and nearly conquered Canterlot in the process.

That reminds me, I should write a letter to Tirek sometime. Maybe I’ll declare all centaurs bad because of him.

Speaking of changelings, I can’t help but wonder if the thought had ever crossed your mind that more than one changeling might be in the Crystal Empire. I mean, there’s no way you could state with absolute certainty that’s impossible, and due to the nature of changeling disguises a marehunt is quite possibly the biggest waste of guard resources you could use, especially when more than one might be present. You didn’t even have any kind of spell to detect a changeling either, so the relative effectiveness of a marehunt for a creature that can disguise itself as an inanimate object is something to be strongly criticised. It’s almost like a knee-jerk reaction to the situation as opposed to a coherent plan.

That was Shining’s idea, wasn’t it?

But even more shocking is why you didn’t conjure that expanding love barrier you did at your wedding. You know, the one that sent every changeling flying out of Canterlot, put changeling-sized holes in buildings and floors… that lovely solution. I’m not saying this to be rude, but I seriously doubt you forgot about that. Barring that, you could also do what happened with Sombra and just charge up the Crystal Heart with love and have that pulse for you.

And frankly, I’m wondering how your citizens learned about changelings to begin with. Did they learn about them from you and Shining? That had to have been the source of their panic: two strong negative biases painting an entire race as evil from a single incident that happened years ago.

Look, I’m not saying that’s a horrid view, just horridly misinformed. To that end, I cordially invite both of you over for an afternoon visit at Cuppa’s cafe. It would do you well to have another perspective on changelings beyond the views brought on from your admittedly rubbish experience.

Plus, Cuppa’s got a few words for you as well. He’s got a… vested interest in this particular topic, and you’ll understand why when you get here. Please make arrangements to come by tomorrow--that shouldn’t be too difficult given your permanent babysitter’s presence.

We’ll be eagerly awaiting your arrival.

Love,

Celestia

So Cuppa, what is your real name? Abdomen? Antenna? Brain?

Well, ever since I learned that changeling’s name was Thorax, it got me thinking about your name. I know Cuppa’s just your cover name, but you never told me your real one! Is it Mandible? Proboscis? Pupa? Tarsal? ...Ovipositor?

No, don’t tell me your real name. I bought this anatomical dictionary, and I intend on using it! I’m going to get your real name eventually!

...Uh, just one question before I just run through this book. Is your name one of these anatomic words followed by another anatomic word?

No? Perfect, this shouldn’t take long then!

Author's Note

Hello, dear readers! Celestia here.

TOM's going to be away for important business this week, but in the meantime, he's asked me to conduct this survey for him in his stead.

Please take it if you're interested. Your input will be greatly appreciated.

Sleepovers and Scaredy-cats

Dear Twilight and Company,

I cordially invite all of you to a goodwill sleepover, hosted graciously by Prince Rutherford in, you guessed it, Yakyakistan.

Now, I realize this might not sound like the ‘hot spot’ vacation invitation you would expect me to send, but after some ‘kind’ discussion with the good prince over the course of these past few months, he’s agreed to let us see what his hometown is all about.

To that end, if you’d like to come, I ask that you pack lightly. More specifically, pack for a sleepover under the restriction that you can carry everything you pack on your back. I realize this restriction basically applies to just one of you, but trust me when I say the Yaks don’t like carrying around extra baggage.

In addition, I request that you should wear a fancy dress for the lunch that will take place shortly after your arrival. Or dress warmly. Both, if possible--I'm sure Rarity can arrange something if you happen to be lacking a warm dress.

But do note this does not mean you have to wear the warm clothes prior to boarding the train. You really don't need to change until we meet up at the Crystal Empire, because that's when we're going to make the trek up the mountains to the village. Otherwise you’d just melt on the train wearing such stuffy clothing in temperate weather over the course of a few hours and absolutely reek of sweat, and the last thing I want to greet Prince Rutherford with is an offensive odor.

Otherwise, be prepared to experience the rich, authentic culture you tried to mimic so long ago. Which, for sake of keeping things peaceful, I wish for none of you to openly discuss during our stay there. That means you, Twilight. Don’t you even try to tell them how their cultural traditions are supposed to be according to that textbook I know you’re packing for ‘reference material’ as you read this letter. Leave it at home.

With those warnings and provisions out of the way, I’ll hopefully see all of you in the Crystal Empire soon.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. For Fluttershy, I’ve enclosed an extra letter with your invitation. Have Discord read it when he has time.

I get the feeling he’s been getting awfully clingy.

Now, Sunny, Moony, today is a very important day. Luna and I will be leaving the castle, and it’s going to be all yours tonight.

I expect you to behave like responsible adults. I know that might be a difficult task, but I have faith you can take care of a few things on this list while we’re away. Go on, give it a read.

Yes, Sunny. You’ll have to feed the scary crow. It’s important for you to respect our other birds as much as you do Philomena, and as such Moony’s responsible for feeding her tonight. Don’t worry, Luna has assured me Shadebeak won’t peck your head so long as you don’t mess with him. I trust you won’t make any rash decisions.

I also realize that with us away for the night, that would give you complete domain over the throne room. Don't turn that into your next food fight turf war like you did with the ballroom a week ago. The maids are still cleaning frosting and crumbs off the ceiling.

But if you must do one, have the good sense to fight in the kitchen. That place always gets cleaned daily thanks to our baking anyway.

What else was there… Oh, one more thing. I’m also expecting a package to be delivered tonight. You are to accept it and take it to my room.

Do not open it. That is all.

Bonus: I'm Not OK With K. K., K?

Discord, dear,

I apologize for not sending you an invitation for the Yakyakistan sleepover. I do this for two and only two reasons, both of which involve your chaotic nature being a bit clashing.

First, although I would gladly let you come provided Fluttershy prevents you from causing any shenanigans, the Yaks are a race that are… easily provoked. You do more provoking that anyone else I know, and the Yaks don’t take kindly behavior that’s aggravating in any way. In that sense, the issue isn’t so much you as it is who we’re visiting, and I simply can’t risk another diplomatic circus because you decided to turn their dreadlocks into snakes since they would be “so easily rattled,” as you might say.

The second reason is a bit more related to what happened when I invited you to a certain karaoke bar a few weeks back. I get the feeling you would call me K. K. Cider all night, and the girls would pepper me with countless questions as to why I have that name.

I hope you respect my wishes when I say that I don’t want that night to be discussed with the girls, ever. They don’t need to know. I already have enough that know between you, Luna, and my personal circle of friends. If it gets out that I drunkenly thought I could hold a duet with a guitar-playing dog, my reputation among the nobles would sink to a whole new low of embarrassment.

Not that they don’t hold a particularly high opinion of me already, but I don’t want them to have more verbal ammunition locked and loaded for me. I hope you understand my desire for discretion here.

To make it up to you, you can come by in a few weeks to mess with the nobles during a brunch meeting they’re holding to discuss some tax levies for a few of their properties.

I’m sure you can give them the break they deserve.

Best Wishes,

Princess Celestia

Hm? Sorry Twilight, I'm just sending a second copy of this letter off to Discord's home address, just in case Fluttershy doesn't have time to give this to him.

Yes, I'm playing it safe. Knowing him he'll probably enact some sort of petty revenge scheme against me for not inviting him. It's expected at this point, but hopefully he'll see it at some point. Now, let's get settled in for the night.

...Why do I hear purring? I don't think the Yaks own any cats...

Grab Your Cider, It's Applebuckball Season!

Dear Fluttershy and the Pink One,

I wish to congratulate you on your hard-earned victory against Braeburn's team. Or, at least my understanding is that it's hard-earned. Coming back from 4-5 to a 6-5 clutch victory certainly isn't some blowout win, if you ask me.

But you do know that it's not just one game, right? It's a whole season you'll be playing, and if you thought Braeburn was the only Apple you're facing, that's farther from the truth than an apple falling from a tree.

Uh, not to pile on pressure or anything. I'm just giving you facts here.

You’ll be facing teams all across Equestria: Manehatten, Dodge Junction, Saddle Arabia, Rainbow Falls… just about any city that has an Apple somewhere living in it (and I’m fairly certain every town has at least one) knows about the victory now. Odds are Ponyville’s team will receive challenges over the next few weeks, and you two should be prepared at any moment for such a challenge.

Like right now, because I challenge you to a game. Granny let me know the season started for this brand-new game, and I’ve been practicing with a few unique teammates after I was given one week’s advance notice before it started. I asked why it was so short, and apparently the sport was just invented two weeks ago. However, I remain confident I am readily prepared for this sport so new it doesn’t even feel like it’s gone through extensive trial runs and fully hammered out the rulebook yet!

That said, I was pretty desperate for teammates. None of the nobles were interested in participating, and I had to bribe Blueblood so he would play. He wasn't even a fantastic bucket holder.

Thankfully, I replaced him with Fancy Pants (he’s surprisingly quite big on sports, even if they’re sports he’s never heard of before!), our team feels more harmonious than ever! Me, Cuppa Joe, and Fancy, we’re a veritable gang of misfits!

And wouldn’t you know it, Fancy managed to convince a great deal of nobles to get into the sport! Granted, most of them are likely going to gamble on who wins in a situation that toes the legal line, but frankly so long as nobles are cheering for me for once, I’m not too hot and bothered.

Now, for sake of clarity since Cuppa and I are uniquely gifted with the ability to play any role in this game as an alicorn and changeling (we double and triple-checked the rules, and so long as any creature can reasonably follow the rules and restrictions of the assigned roles, anyone is fair game), Cuppa will be on offense and I’ll be on defense.

I realize that I don’t have a great track record for defending things recently, but I do know how to block a shot and take a few licks. So if you want a piece of this Pinkie, this is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for.

Bring it.

Awaiting your reply,

Princess Celestia

Sunny, you’re not cheering hard enough! Celebrate our Canterlot spirit! I want those legs splitting in the air wide enough for me to feel embarrassed for you!

...Oh, right. She’s at the mental age where screaming pressure at her just goes in one ear and out the other. At least she’s having fun with it, I suppose.

Luna, how’s Moony’s cheering coming along?

I know, Sunny’s a lot more flexible than me too! Are we really supposed to be so limber?

Fine, we can try it ourselves, but if I pull something and can’t play the next game, I blame you for convincing me to give this a shot.

Bonus: Pulling Victory From The Jaws of Defeat. Oh, and Pulling Muscles

Diary Entry #... No, I’ll just make this date relative. Two days after the Buckball game.

I’ve finally gathered enough physical strength to lift my bedsheets with my forehooves without flinching from pain. Consequently, I’m able to grasp a quill steadily with my magic and dictate my words into my diary without the diction magic deciding my back wall was a much easier place to keep record of my frustrations. And like all diction spells, expressing verbal frustration at such a magical mishap only serves to give it more ammunition with which to write with semi-autonomous, near-reckless abandon.

Yesterday was not a pleasant day for me or the maids. I plan on apologizing to all of them this afternoon once I leave this bed.

As predicted, I pulled a muscle or two over halfway in the game. It just had to be the wings, because of course it had to be the most important parts for a flying defender. Yet my whole body still remains sore from the match; my wing joints more so, but altogether the pain had kept me bedridden for a great deal of time yesterday. Save for the moments where Sunny and Moony had brought me meals and well wishes for recovery. Bless those girls.

Thankfully, Luna was able to substitute for my spot in the game, and she had put up quite the admirable effort defending the baskets. If I thought Pinkie expressed frustration at my fast and furious blocking, it was nothing compared to my sister. Sitting on the bench, I witnessed more teeth gnashing from her than anypony else, including me as I kept my attention divided between her and the scoreboard. 4-4.

The final rallies of the game since Luna took over for me were something quite legendary. The ball was not a ball, but a red blur tearing through the sky. Fluttershy spun so much in the air she generated a small wind current with each return. If Pinkie’s bucks had sounds reminiscent of naval cannon fire, shots made with her flank were a broadside. Thankfully, Luna’s blocks and returns struck back with cosmic retribution, and Cuppa’s kicks were so hard you could smell charred coffee beans from the small smoke trails emanating from his hooves. Snails and Fancy were also occupied in this skirmish, each doing their best to throw off the opposing defender, and to Fancy’s credit he caught some of Luna’s shots like a seasoned professional, enough to eschew any concern for his tousled blue mane and moustache.

To say that we simply ‘won’ is a gross understatement of the efforts made by the team to secure that victory. And if they’re anything like me, they’re treasuring good bedrest as much as I am this very moment. Hopefully by tomorrow, all of us can properly gather for a small celebration hosted at the castle.

But for now, I have just one goal I’d like to achieve

Get out of bed and walk without levitating myself around the whole day.

Well, that and sending just one quick letter out, assuming that’s manageable. Let’s see if I can get that done.

~~~

Dear Cadance,

When you have a day off from taking care of Flurry Heart, see if you can stop by Canterlot for at least a few hours.

I have an idea to help you lose some of that baby weight.

Love,

Celestia

The Fault In Our Lack of Earplugs

Dear Gilda--yes Gabriella, I'm writing a letter right now so you can send it, so could you please be patient?!

...Ahem. Gilda.

Who is this girl? Or more specifically, what have I done to deserve this gabbing postal griffon that refuses to leave my room until I give her some letter, ANY letter to deliver? Did you send her away so she wouldn’t bother you anymore? If so, I respect that and have a full understanding of why you did so.

This does not mean I like you for it.

My ears are starting to bleed from her story about how she saw you getting friendship lessons from Pinkie and Rainbow, and because of that she wanted to see more ponies. Now after some thing she prattled on about getting a cutie mark--she didn't, despite waving around a painted wooden shield that she claims is her cutie mark. Adorable, but also pretty cuckoo if you ask me--and getting a ‘cuteceanera’ from Pinkie, she wants to see ALL the ponies whilst making her mail deliveries in and out of Griffonstone, and unfortunately one of those deliveries happened to come to me.

She. Won't. Shut. Up. About. This. In the time it took for me to summarize what she said, she recanted this story to me in intricate detail twice over. And a third time happening right now, as she’s blissfully unaware of my commentary as she prattles on about how huge of a Crusaders fan she is and how they helped her with her… cutie mark problem. A problem, mind you, that I cannot believe exists for anyone but the strongly misinformed and/or stupefyingly naive. Fortunately for her, she happened to be both.

Still, miss Gabby Gullible managed to get her ducks in a row thanks to the collective mind behind Gabby Gums, except they focused on being truthful this time. I… should actually take some notes on this for the other little ‘children’ under my care. On another note, said children probably shouldn’t communicate with Gabby. Ever. Under no circumstances should they talk, because the talking would have no foreseeable end--Oh horseapples, why is she here now of all times?!

Uh, I’m extremely busy writing some mail, Sunny! Don’t want to be disturbed!

No, it’s not a new friend on the other side of the door! It’s just a postal griffon. A very chatty, highly excitable postal griffon.

You can’t see her right now, because I’ve just finished the letter and she needs to go deliver it ASAP! Here, take it! Take it now before she gets in the ro--

Oh, double horseapples. They locked eyes with each other.

Welp, I guess I can wave goodbye to my beauty sleep. Unless... Gilda, you wouldn't happen to have a good recommendation for earplugs, would you? Please respond as soon as miss Gabby delivers it.

Best regards (and a plea for help),

Princess Celestia

Viva Con Cages, Viva Lost Wages

Dear Granny Smith,

I’m sorry, but I may have to cancel our annual vacation to Las Pegasus.

Apparently, the tickets I’d bought for us to see Ponet Fantastique are completely worthless thanks to a new change in management, and also a loss of approximately all the performers of the show. I received half of my refund, and a set of new tickets to visit the theatre where they would have performed if they remained.

I’ll be requesting a full refund instead. I don’t care if my tickets are box seats with an amazing view, they’re no good if there are no performers. It’s basic common sense, something those new theatre managers are clearly lacking along with some semblance of substance.

Sheesh, at least Gladmane had substance there, even if he had to crack a few eggs and throw a pony or two under the bus to do it. He didn’t have to do that, but that’s not the point.

Speaking of Gladmane, I tried reaching out to him to get some answers on this matter, but he has remained unresponsive over the past few days. Shocking, I know. He typically bends over backwards to respond to my letters like the incredible kiss-ass he is. Except unlike the nobles, I liked that coming from him. He did know how to treat his guests well, despite apparently being duplicitous to his staff.

I’m… not entirely sure why he was duplicitous in the first place, as a matter of fact. If he didn’t want his performers to leave, why not pay them more instead of staging arguments? Shouldn’t that be the simplest solution for him given how many bits his establishments rake in by the minute? Or did greed really cloud his mind that much?

...Oh wait, it’s Las Pegasus. Of course it did.

Well, I presume he should be a bit more occupied since I’ve sent a few inspectors and auditors over to evaluate the rest of his enterprise. I haven’t had much of a need to do so until now--he’s been more than generous in paying his taxes, and even refusing to collect his tax returns. But… if he did so to throw me off from initiating a full, thorough inspection of his operations, that “King of R&R” played me like a six-string guitar.

And I don’t appreciate being played.

Don’t you worry, Granny. I’ll be taking a few necessary steps to ensure Las Pegasus is still the hub of entertainment it’s always been for us. Regarding the new owners of the theatre that have already begun cutting corners even on a proper refund, I’ll be writing a little notice informing them of exactly how much responsibility they’ll have, in addition to the joys of properly paying taxes (and respect) like the former owner.

If all goes well, I might be able to salvage the trip by the end of the month. I’ll let you know if that’s the case.

Friends forever,

Celestia

P.S. It’s also best if Apple… uh, she has a ‘jack’, right? For some reason, I don’t think she does anymore. Ahem, if I ensure our trip is something worthwhile, keep it secret like our other trips. She sounded pretty vocal about swearing she will never visit that city again, and the last thing we want is a reason for her to go there and be a killjoy.

Sunny, why are you packing your bags?

Wait, you seriously want these tickets? Why?!

Fill it with imagination--I can get you a large, cardboard box if you want to do that! You do not need an expensive theatre for imaginary purposes!

Okay, you want me to see an empty theatre that badly to make a point? FINE! Let's go see an empty theatre!

We can take Moony too if you like! Why not? What’s the worst that could happen?

Every Little Thing She Does Adds Up to a Big Thing Over Time

Princess Twilight,

First off, thank you for making the time to come and give a lecture on the history of enchanted objects in Equestria. I don’t know how you do it, but you manage to make those hour-long lectures last as if they’ve gone on for over half a month. Believe it or not, that’s actually a good thing. The less ponies try to interact with any of those enchanted artifacts and ultimately cause a ruckus akin to throwing a glass dome over an entire town, the better.

But as grand as you are giving eternal lectures, your idea of teaching your student by letting her figure out how to do her friendship lessons has officially reached the breaking point. This could not be made any clearer after I received an inexplicable sense of deja vu today, and after reading Mayor’s report on your castle flooding with a third of Ponyville’s emergency stormcloud water reserves just to put out a kitchen fire, it’s not hard to imagine somepony in there went way overboard with their magic use. And it couldn’t have been you this time, for obvious reasons.

Look, Twilight, when I lent you some of my books to refill your castle library, there should have been some judicious consideration given to the content of some of those books and ensuring their proper use. More specifically the spells used for interrogation purposes such as Gabbo Yakkus, Persuadere, Cogeria, and don’t even get me started on the ill-conceived Diarrhus Propelium.

We tried that on a deer once. I don’t know where it rocketed off to since that day.

In any case, your student really needs a refresher course on the dos and don’ts of magic spell construction, despite how much I admire her tenacity and creativity in innovating new spells for the next generation of multitaskers. Yet much like you back in the “good old days”, she needs some sense of restraint, and you have been far too loose on your leash.

Not only do you need to be crystal clear in your goals on your special friendship lessons (because she’s currently taking these tasks at face value), you need to be sure she isn’t cheating on her tasks, because that’s exactly what she did to try and accomplish all of those friendship lessons in the same day that… she didn’t need to cheat for since she did all of those tasks in the same day anyway cleaning up her mess.

Oh in the name of me, she really IS you before you earned your wings, but even crazier due to lack of empathy. In that case, new teaching strategy:

Make sure she doesn’t make the same mistakes you made.

That won’t cover all of her problems, but it will cast a pretty huge safety net so she won’t pull stunts like this again. You can handle empathy one step at a time, but first Starlight needs to make this HUGE leap forward before you even consider that she’s making any significant progress.

Don’t be a bad teacher, Twilight. That is all I ask.

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

Sunny! Is that you? Have you finished your chores in the castle? It’s been an hour.

Oh, you enchanted a feather duster to help you clean? That’s pretty smart, makes the cleaning go faster.

Well of course it won’t just stop cleaning just because you ask it to. You have to make it sto--y-you did already?

I’m… afraid to ask, but how did you stop it? You didn’t try breaking it, did you?

Shredded and splintered?! H-How many pieces? Maybe a thousand? Maybe?!

No, this is fine. Just fine. It’s not actually fine here, but it might be fine somewhere else that’s not here! I’m fine with not being fine about this!

Author's Note

Heyo, dear readers! I've got a small announcement to make with this Letters installment.

I am fully aware of the leaked EQG movie, and I have seen it. However, I will respect the original release date set for it. The letter will come for that two days after it airs on October 1st.

With that out of the way, happy reading!

Legends are Never Free From Scrutiny, Part 1

Dear Princess Celestia,

After a year of magical maladies plaguing my school thanks to your land’s Equestrian magic, I thought I could escape it this week. I encouraged some funding for a camping trip to take me, Luna and a fair portion of the students away to the Everfree forest, away from worrying about an entire front entrance of the school building exploding or massive tears in space-time leading to your world appearing beneath their feet.

I wish I could escape all of the singing, but we both know how impossible that is for me. But surely I could get away from magic for just one measly week in a perfectly normal, not enchanted forest.

I could have had a great time, reminiscing about the days of old where Luna and I played in the lake, built a sundial she hated, went hiking in the woods, listening to Luna gripe about how ‘useful’ a sundial was at night, roast marshmallows by a campfire, and argue over whether or not night-vision goggles were a better camp gift than solar-powered lanterns. Good times.

Except your Equestrian magic was there. AGAIN. If I thought the magic was bad enough destroying my school, wrecking my nostalgic camping grounds hurt me right in my childhood! Roots and vines creeping all over the totem pole, lodge and gazebo! It even nearly destroyed the sundial, much to my sister’s delight!

Why? Why does your world’s magic keep meddling with my world, even in places where I’d never think it would show up?! Who would even remotely guess the magic came from seven magical geodes sitting in a cave in the middle of the rock quarry? A cave, mind you, that didn’t exist in any capacity the last time I came here! I even doubt it existed when the magic troubles happened at my school, since Gloriosa never had those geodes in her possession until this month when Filthy wanted to foreclose the property.

Luna and I had a very long talk with her about everything she did. It was mostly about the camp’s unusual financial situation with Filthy Rich and a little about the sundial, although Luna will tell you that’s a lie.

Now, it’s bad enough that this cave appeared out of nowhere within the past month, who would guess AGAIN that those seven geodes just happened to perfectly line up with seven of the most magically gifted students attending my school, one of which a transfer student, with matching colors and anime-style outfit transformations and everything? How does any of this make sense at all?! Who or what put them there, and why now?

You have to know something about all of this, Celestia. You must! Or if you don’t know, you know someone that does! There’s no conceivable way this much magical nonsense can manifest itself without recently interacting with your world somehow. And I’m worried it’s going to get worse. I can’t explain it, but ever since Twilight turned into that Midnight monstrosity and we began communicating with each other, I’m worried that those tears so close to the portal might… make things phenomenally worse than they are now.

I need answers, Celestia. Even if they’re just wild guesses and asspulls, I want to hear your thoughts on all this magical madness.

Oh, and I need help figuring out why my hands are currently scalding. They heated our door handle so hot they burned Luna’s hand when she tried coming in a few moments after I came home. I’m currently writing this letter with oven mitts for sake of not burning the journal.

I swear if I have magical powers as a result of all this chaos, I’m going to burn the house down.

I really wish that was just a metaphor.

Awaiting your reply,

Principal Celestia

P.P.O.V: E.I.E.I.O.

Princess Point of View: Everypony is Egregiously, Incredibly Obtuse

~~~

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I’m amused by these three accounts you sent me, each of them telling a tall tale of a boat that somehow sailed, yet never left the dock. While each story contains details different from each other, there are some interesting similarities and unusual recollections of certain key facts in each story.

I didn’t expect your deductions to conclude a sea dragon was responsible for all of this, perhaps due to the fact that absolutely none of the story accounts mention anything about such a large creature they theoretically could have seen (yet they all somehow mentioned an inexplicable storm on an otherwise slightly overcast day). But if a few bubbles after a cucumber sandwich dropped into the ocean led you to such an unexpected-yet-accurate conclusion, who am I to judge the validity of this given it was true in the end, regardless of how utterly ridiculous it sounds?

But there IS blame to place in this incident. You did not actually “solve” it with your solution; you just changed the blaming question from “Who sunk the ship?” to “Who spilled the sandwiches?” And that action belongs to none other than Captain Appleblackbeard. It is verified in all of the accounts, even Pinkie’s seemingly contradictory account. It took a moment for me to realize that her “pointing” at the tray wasn’t actually pointing.

So there you have it. Whether on accident or on purpose (but seriously, it’s an accident--who tosses a good cucumber sandwich on purpose?), blame the captain of the vessel for the sea dragon surfacing. And while you’re at it, blame Rarity for bringing the sandwiches on such a gaudy tray. And blame Pinkie for placing her toys near the table, causing Applejack Sparrow to stumble and spill the food. Actually, blame all of them for contributing in some way to the accident, since all of them seem to want to play the victim here.

I may have run through their mental gymnastics to find the truth, but in the end, even that was a pointless endeavor compared to the larger problem they have. The fact that all of them played the blame game over such a petty squabble is one of the most disheartening things I’m shocked they did. All that game does is worsen things for everyone--the blame game has no ‘winner’.

At that point, it’s no longer about who did it--it’s about utterly failing to attempt reconciliation over the incident without you running as their investigator/mediator. They were completely willing to let their friendship severely sour, if not outright end over this. It’s downright foalish to think they’ve gone that far after all the years they’d spent together, but they had. Their stubbornness has outdone even Rainbow Dash, and that is something I truly couldn’t foresee.

Hopefully now they’ll come to better terms with how distorted their views can get, but I still have one question that none of the stories seemed to answer:

What were they doing after the boat capsized, but before their train to Ponyville arrived? I know their stories barely put them on the boat for less than ten minutes, especially since it never left the dock. That had to have left them with some time to kill in the town before they came back.

Maybe you should investigate that time period. I’m quite curious as to what they did that didn’t involve cleaning themselves up at all.

If you figure out what they did, do write back on that. Otherwise, give those three an extra bit of sass for saying they’ll “never fight again.” Don’t they know by now that the best of friends always have a few fights?

Best regards,

Princess Celestia

Luna, when are you going to show Sunny and Moony how to eat at a formal setting? They’ve been eating like pigs for months now!

What do you mean that’s my task? I said I was going to handle teaching those two the appropriate times to use the Royal Voice!

Excuuuse me, but that wasn’t your assignment! I should think I remember exactly how we discussed this yesterday!

I’m not shouting, you’re shouting! But if you want shouting, YOU’LL GET SHOUTING!

Legends are Never Free From Scrutiny, Part 2

Dear Principal Celestia,

I sense you’re deeply concerned about everything that’s going on over in your world. I hope that my answers can give you some solace as you soak your hands in an ice bath or wrap them in chilled towels.

Now, I believe the multiple interactions between our worlds this year have caused more magical disturbances beyond those you are currently aware of. While most occurrences have been mild thus far on your end (relatively speaking, unless you’ve had the pleasure of dealing with a gigantic town-wrecking centaur and haven’t told me yet), ever since portals between our worlds were forcibly torn open, some unusual disturbances have now been reported on Equestria’s side.

Just as a whole cave apparently vanished from our world, some things from your world have started appearing in ours. Like a second statue of Lady Equinity in Manehatten, except this one is bipedal. At least it’s not as tacky as the one in Las Pegasus, but it doesn’t belong all the same. I’ll send that back this week--no promises on where it ends up, but I hope it goes back right where it originally stood.

Plus, I imagine you’ll be quite shocked to enter your school tomorrow and realize that your desk is completely gone. That’s because it’s here, and I’m writing on it. I have no idea how it got here, but it completely crushed my former writing desk to smithereens. Forgive me if I’m using this desk as a substitute while I figure out how to return it to you.

I… may have also taken a peek inside the drawers. Who would have thought your student records file played host to over five generations of spiders? Goodness, it’s like you haven’t touched this in a decade!

Ugh, we even share some of our bad traits. My old desk had moss growing in mine.

There was also one more drawer I looked in. It was filled with all sorts of things I’m quite certain aren’t school-appropriate. I sincerely hope these are all confiscated from your students, because if any of this is yours, I think you have a much bigger problem than your hands.

Speaking of your heated situation, you’ve got two options to get it under control. I can help you figure it out, or you can consult your magical girl clique. Considering you’re still alive and able to write, I assume everything that happened in the forest worked out in the end and the girls have full control over their magic, so they are of equal importance for consultation regarding your hot hands. I will do what I can to help, but don’t hesitate to go to them if I’m not available.

Barring that, I have an inkling you’ll be in need of emotional support. With that in mind, visit the bathroom portal when you have the time. I left you a cake on your counter, because I know you. You’re gonna need sweets to get through this. I’d say some liquor as well, but again, I know you. You’ve already popped a bottle of brandy by now.

This is, quite literally, your trial by fire. But don’t worry. Breathe. You’ll get through this, sister on the other side. I have faith in your suppressing success.

With you in spirit,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Luna’s been pestering me to know if her counterpart has any magical powers. If you happen to know if she’s suffered any magical mischief, do tell when you can.

If they turn out to be ice hands or something, then you two can work it out together, and hopefully not end up on two different sides of some crazy magic war.

The Apple Family Lies. What Else is New?

Dear Granny Smith,

Thanks for approving that discrete cider shipment this week. I needed that more than you know right now, hence my sending of some of the Royal Guard to expedite the delivery.

To think that after ten years of trust and friendship, I can finally get a cider shipment with little to no hassle. Heh, you remember the first time I tried getting a shipment from you? Those were the days where you had teeth to pull. I had to come in person to try and coax a single jar out of your stash, and some days you were darn ornery about letting one go.

Not to mention the lies you told to try and hold on to them. “Cider expires the same day it’s made! Ah don’t do cider deliveries in any capacity! The Appleblight ruined our harvest this year, so you only get one mug, sister!” Oh, the ridiculous excuses your silver tongue conjured just to keep it within the family and away from the local merchants… well, that and verbally strong-arming them into submission.

Say, does Filthy Rich still break into a cold sweat around any discussion of cider? I’ll bet you make him nervous just being within a few yards of him ever since you chewed his ear off at the hospital.

You have to know you’re his bogeymare by now. He’s totally using you to scare his daughter with spooky bedtime stories. “They say Granny leaves her bed at night, hunting for her lost pair of dentures! If she sees you on the orchard grounds, bewaaaare! Don’t let her catch you, or she’ll GUM ya!”

...Sunny, get out from under the bed. Granny’s not going to catch you. She’s a whole town away, and she’s not the Pink One.

Speaking of Filthy, I need to write an apology to his wife, Spoiled “Rotten”. I was joking about researching her name before--actually looking into it, I didn’t realize her parents also had a sick sense of humor. I likely struck a nerve with that barbed remark. Although she doesn’t really deserve it, I can at least give her the due respect of calling her by her true name.

Spoiled Milk… never in my wildest years have I heard a name that foul in spirit, yet accurate in practice. It’s almost as unexpected as recalling Big Macintosh liked to run his mouth in his youth. And Appleracket being a big, fat liar in a skinny frame.

It’s no wonder you still run the orchard today… wait, is that why you’re so long-lived? You refuse to die until you’re sure they can run the orchard right without you around! I’ve cracked your secret to your ridiculously lengthy life, Granny!

And I secretly hope you keep on living.

I’ll see you later this week. And don’t worry. Your cider is always in good hooves.

Friends forever,

Celestia

Luna, could you help me get Sunny out from under the bed? She’s convinced Granny Smith’s going to gum her to death.

Don’t look at me! I was just making a joke about it! It’s not my fault she took it seriously!

Look, just try to coax her out if you can. I’m going to get some tools to get her out.

Cupcakes and cream puffs. What, did you think I meant a broom? She’s not a dog, you know.

Just Because You're Top Bolt Doesn't Mean You Left Rock Bottom

Dear Spitfire,

I’m so glad I stopped having to pull your teeth to actually get you to do some work. Wonderbolt recruits always get you more fired up than usual, and this year’s hopefuls sounded greener than ever. Especially that one, what’s the name… Angel Wings? I’ll bet you spent a good third of your day shouting at her.

It probably isn’t good for her heart getting the business from you, but she wished to give it a shot and you let her try. What else is there to say other than to praise her bravery?

Moving on to some of your other successful cadets, I see two particular ponies on this list: Vapor Trail and Sky Stinger. This report mentions them being on close watch due to trust concerns, supposedly due to Vapor assisting Sky’s airborne abilities since their childhood.

Your concerns are very much valid. Keeping a lie going for that long, despite her good intentions, makes me wonder if she’s lied about anything else that whole time. Oblivious to her actions or not, if she’s prone to accidentally telling huge lifelong lies, that doesn’t reflect well on her honesty and integrity. Keep a close eye on her, Spitfire.

And also keep an eye on Sky as well. Odds are he still has some lingering doubt left unresolved, and the last thing I want to hear is losing a promising cadet over a broken friendship that was hastily repaired.

Yes, that means I’m asking you to monitor their friendship in the stead of whoever “fixed” it. Feel free to shout at them if you must.

...Who am I kidding? You’ll shout at them for other things anyway.

Turning you temporarily into a friendship fixer-upper,

Princess Celestia

~~~

Dear Mayor Mare,

In light of recent events that transpired this q, I have a confession to make.

You remember when we first met in your newly elected office over sixty years ago? I brought you a gift--a bag of butterscotch candies, and I told you to have one if you ever felt stressed. It was your first day in office, and we each tried one. You told me it was the best candy you’ve ever had in your life.

I was so elated at that I told you I made those myself. You wanted to know if I could send those to you more often, and I promised I’d send you a brand new bag on your birthday every year.

That was a complete lie. I never made those candies; I bought them from a candy store in Canterlot before I rode the train to Ponyville. I have no idea why I said that, but you just seemed so overjoyed that I guess I just… blurted that out in the moment and didn’t have the heart to correct it at your excitement.

And that is why, for over sixty years, I’ve been one of the most faithful patrons of Mr. Brittle’s Hard Candy Shop. So long as they stayed in business, everything would have been fine.

Then Mr. Brittle himself retired and close the shop at the end of last year, and your birthday is coming up in a few weeks.

My mind is still racing, scrambling to get you those candies someway, somehow. And frankly, at this point I actually would try to make them if I had to.

But if I can’t, I’m sorry for both lying to you about them and not being able to get them to you this year. If you’re mad reading that, that’s fine. I don’t have any reason to get mad at you for something I did wrong.

I hope you can forgive me.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

~~~

Dear Princess Celestia,

I have a confession to make in light of your confession.

I don’t like butterscotch. I never did, yet I lied and said I loved it since you seemed so into the moment of sharing this candy with me, I didn’t think refusing was much of an option!

I’ve been passing it off to my secretary every year you sent me a bag. I apologize for not telling you this sooner, probably sixty or so years sooner.

And now it’s my turn to say that if you want to get mad at me, that’s fine. I really do deserve it for making you worry that much over something I never liked in the first place.

Hopefully Friends Forever,

Mayor Mare

Go Over There and Never Come Back Again, Part 1

Journey Entry Number… eh, let’s call this one Potato.

Sunny and Moony are away for the day over at Rainbow Falls, returning the following morning.. In other words, it was yet another rare time my sister and I had the castle to ourselves since their introduction.

And I loved every last second of it. In fact, today had been shockingly calm. No nobles showed up for the afternoon court complaint session, which is outright miraculous given they always have something to complain about. I’d almost call this dreamlike in a way, except Luna’s assured me this is not a dream.

That makes this the best day I’ve ever had in centuries. I’ve caught up on a few books left unfinished for a time, took a walk through the gardens without Philomena and Shadebeak squawking as Sunny chased them around to ‘help’ with their preening, made a batch of moon cookies without worry of any doughy eldritch abominations… truly, it’s a day so mundane anything abnormal would actually make it seem interesting. Frankly, in these final evening hours very little could make this day the worst day ever.

Knocking at the door? Curses, I think I spoke too soon. Who’s there?

Sunny? Goodness, you’re back so soon. I thought you planned on staying there overnight. Was Rainbow Falls really that uninteresting?

Well, I wouldn’t use “frustrating” to describe anything there other than the annual trading event, but if you’re really that peeved, you know where Brutus is. Just be careful with the reinforced wall--you put a dent in it yesterday, and I had it built to last for the rest of the month.

Uh, no. I’m not going to watch you hit the wall. We went over this at least a dozen times. I trust you to be able to hit a wall without adult supervision. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an entry to finish since you’re back early--

...There’s a changeling on my desk, and it doesn’t smell like coffee. Sunny! Hit it with the big stick!

Ow! Not me, the changeling! This is not the time for roughhousing!

You’re still hitting me! I am not a changeling, that one is! Get serious and HIT THE CHANGE--

…

…

…

~~~

Journal Entry Number… wait, the numbers are vegetables? Oooookay, that’s weird, but whatever. I guess this entry is… Celery?

Ahem. I am Chitin, leader of the Canterlot Capture Team. The castle is ours, and rather swiftly conquered. Our intel about the princesses employing body doubles served us well--infiltration was such a breeze, nopony suspected a thing.

Although actually capturing the princesses proved to be a difficult task. Celestia took at least thirty blows to the noggin before Elytron finally managed to render her unconscious. Moving her body into a cocoon, even with magic, felt like lifting three wedding cakes at the same time.

Let it be said that taking down an alicorn princess is not easy when you aren’t a love-supercharged queen. She needed a full two minutes to catch her breath.

Midgut and Tarsus had a far easier time. Luna had been in the middle of channeling a spell, presumably whatever it is she casted to view dreams.

And lucky them, she weighed far less than her sister. They got a cakewalk while we dealt with a heavy, dense cake, I suppose.

As far as I know, the whole plan went off without a hitch. Tarsus and Elytron have already replaced the princesses, and we’re about to teleport the real ones over to the hive before sunrise.

...Wait, how ARE we going to handle the sunrise? I hope Chrysalis has a plan for that, otherwise this might not last as long as she thinks it will.

Oh well. If the body doubles come back, we should be able to handle them.

Theoretically, at least.

One Name Too Far, Part 1

Dear Granny Smith,

I might have pushed the limits of your granddaughter’s tolerance far beyond the point of no return.

I sent her a notice a month or so ago regarding your latest cider shipment’s tardiness and had the unfortunate gall to call her Miss Crab Apple Jackhammer Time. Like all other moments where I mercilessly butchered her name like a julienned carrot, I’d given little thought to the name beyond the playful ribbing you and I have enjoyed at her expense.

Today, I received the holy mother of all restraining orders from her whilst judging the annual National Dessert Competition, served by her alongside an outstandingly delectable apple pie she’d baked. It’s the first time I was served both a slice of apple pie and a slice of humble pie simultaneously. It couldn’t be a more bittersweet moment if it tried.

The restraining order states I’m not allowed to set hoof on her acres, write any correspondence or send any parcels to her, or otherwise interact with her in any way outside of royal summons regarding world-threatening issues or entities. Which, sadly for her, is anywhere from a weekly to quarterly basis. In addition, I’m not allowed to toy with her name in any capacity — no fun allowed, basically.

And this is where I have a problem. She didn’t bother sticking around to hear the results of the competition, apparently having fulfilled her unrestrained vendetta. It’s a shame, then, that her pie won the competition and I can’t even send the trophy to her.

Now, technically I could send it to you and you could give it to her and this whole trophy mess would be done and over with, but I think it’s about time your granddaughter and I had a real face-to-face talk about this whole affair that, quite clearly, has gone over the rails. To that end, I’ll keep the trophy here at the castle. This situation isn’t quite important enough to merit a royal summons, but do pass along the message that if Applejacked Up wants her trophy…

She can come pry it from my ivory hooves while we have a nice, long chat.

I’ll be waiting eagerly for a reply. Or for her to break down the throne room doors. Whichever comes first.

Friends forever,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I don’t actually want the doors broken down. You don’t want to know how long it took to repair it the first time Tirek broke it. Millennium-old oakwood is not a cheap resource to acquire and process.

No, I won’t use your leftover applewood for the door. As kind a gesture that is, I prefer the vintage appeal of aged wood for the castle exterior.

I’d much rather use the applewood for a nightstand or armoire if you insist on me using it, however. That’s an offer I certainly won’t refuse.

One Name Too Far, Part 2

Dear Apple Jack-Be-Nimble,

Color me shocked and in complete disbelief. I can't believe you changed your legal name to counter my name game. It's one of the most insane counters I've ever witnessed in my years as ruler of Equestria.

I both love and hate you for playing the game now. At last, you’ve finally turned the tables by flipping it on me after years of what would have been countless and senseless name violations. It’s begrudgingly commendable, almost worthy of a trophy all by itself.

Although thanks to your wacky retaliation, I can’t exactly give this trophy to you now. After all, there is no ‘Applejack’ this belongs to anymore. Honestly, if you didn’t want the trophy, you didn’t have to go this far to refuse it. Gustave le Grand would have happily accepted it in your stead considering he got second place.

As it stands however, I tip my crown to you, Apple Jack-Be-Quick. On one hoof, getting in on the joke yourself shows such a strong sense of maturity in knowing how to take a joke. On the other hoof, it sours my take on nomenclature as it's no longer a thing only I had done (with one beautiful, bipedal exception), and I'm slightly peeved somepony else is encroaching on my naming turf, especially when it's the victim.

But you know what? That’s okay. I've been playing the name game for years, Apple Jack-Jumped-the-Candlestick. You can certainly flip a table, but I've flipped houses. And you're about to find out how I'm going to flip your house upside-down.

With regard and respect,

Applejack

Oh yes, I went there.

~~~

Dear Granny Smith,

I know this sounds rather sudden — in fact this is completely unannounced — but would you like to be Princess for a day?

And before you ask, yes, this does involve your granddaughter. It’ll be one last hurrah for the road.

So, are you in?

Friends Forever,

Apple Hijacked-Her-Name

One Name Too Far, Part 3

Dear one very orange, very unhappy ‘Princess Celestia’,I don’t know what it’s called when a backfire plan backfires, but I think merely calling it “karma” is underwhelming. I also don’t know what it’s called to read somepony else’s mail and/or intercepting correspondence intended for an entirely different recipient, although I’m more certain that’s breaking a law than not.

In any case, the damage done is quite enough, ‘Princess’. In a matter of hours, you managed to introduce an outrageous apple tax turning into a luxury item within minutes, ban the consumption, growth, and even the mere existence of pears down to making the use of the word an unlawful offense. Worst of all, you’ve uprooted every tree I held in my garden and planted apple seeds in their place, according to my very confused and irate sister that’s been screaming in my ear for the past twenty minutes regarding the state of affairs as they’ve presently devolved.

It’s a disaster that could have been entirely preventable, and one I most certainly bear the burden of blame for. To that end, I apologize dearly for my actions to meddle with your name and the great volume upon which I have done so. Further does my apology extend to the years of anguish that have plagued thy tortured mind, body and spirit from petty name-slinging.

‘Tis time we buried this rusty hatchet, Applejack. I don’t expect you to accept this apology immediately — I wouldn’t even blame you if you never accepted it, and it would fully be within your right to do so. However, I am finally ready to let go and move on from this, to truly take you seriously after jesting your serious nature for so long.

All that matters now is whether you’re ready to let it go, and move on. Oh, and the restraining order too. Gods know I’m going to have to spend a week or two tinkering with the law so this sort of nonsense never happens again.

I’ll be waiting at the homestead with Granny Smith. She owes you just as long an apology as mine, if not longer depending on how wordy she is. Also, due to the sensitive nature of this topic, I entrust Luna with this letter so it will have an expedient delivery on our part.

And by the way, yes, she will have a mouthful for me when this is all over. More than a mouthful, if twenty minutes of screaming at my face is a preview of the main event.

Waiting patiently,

‘Applejack’

P.S. If you happen to have any further requests beyond making amends, I beseech thee to state them upon receiving this letter.

~~~

Dear Princess Awfulestia,

Ah only have one request.

Cheerilee’s chalkboard. You will write down the following phrase one thousand times by hoof, no fancy-schmancy magic:

“I will not make fun of Applejack’s name ever again, or my entire garden becomes her new orchard.”

If that name is misspelled or altered even once, say goodbye to the hedge maze and hello to a forest of apple trees.

And just in case I ain’t clear enough, I’ll say this just one more time:

My name is Applejack.

Author's Note

When you've beaten a dead horse so long you're beating it with another dead horse...

...you make a grave twice as deep.

That said, I'm done with the joke, and ending it's been long overdue. But it might as well go out with a bang, hm?

Thanks for sticking with the ridiculous housekeeping, dear readers. Here's to a new year of ponies, and a good new year for Applejack.

Dragon Mail Tech Support, This is Ember. How May I Help You?

Dear Princess Ember,

I wish to extend a formal statement of gratitude towards your unwavering assistance toward ponykind. I’ve received plenty of reports from Princess Twilight regarding dragon culture thus far, and I commend you greatly for putting up with her torrent of questions, and further wish you the best of luck in maintaining your sanity for handling her correspondence in the coming years.

Yes, years. What happened over these past few months you ought to treat as a warm-up for the millennia worth of questions she’s prepared. She’s been spacing it out so as to not overwhelm you, but I warn you now that some days she may lack the self-restraint.

In addition, your assistance in aiding Spike’s discovery of his draconic heritage has been most beneficial for him, for the most part. Serving as his tutor, teaching him the explosively arcane language of dragons, and being a good friend has lifted his spirits in ways you cannot imagine.

With that in mind, although I appreciate all the help you’ve given both of them in their tasks, it is now my turn to ask you for assistance regarding a troubling matter.

Spike has a voicemail now that he never had before. More specifically, I’m getting some form of automated response in writing whenever I send him a message that goes as follows:

“Hello! You’ve reached Spike the Brave and Glorious, two-time savior of the Crystal Empire, personal aide to the Princess of Friendship, romantic pursuer of ivory equines, and reigning champion of Ponyville’s Fire-breathing Nine-alarm Chili Festival! I’m not available right now to process any letters, but I’ll deliver them as soon as possible!”

Now, I’m trying to keep my composure here and be as cordial as possible regarding my inquiry, but what in the name of me were you thinking teaching him how to put my letters on hold?!

When he became the personal aide to Twilight Sparkle, I spared no details in stating he would effectively be a draconic fax machine so long as he served under her. Granted, giving him the title of “Royal Liaison” made that sound so much bigger than it was at the time, but now that he’s fulfilling more duties that actually aspire to the title, it is more important than ever that I continue to keep my correspondence with Twilight unimpeded by nonsensical wait times.

Since you’ve been teaching him about his newfound talents, I take this question to you, Ember. Is it possible to get him to remove that ridiculous voicemail so that my messages don’t get held in limbo?

Any assistance you can offer in this matter is greatly appreciated.

Waiting on an actual dragon to reply,

Princess Celestia

Your Letter is Very Important to Us. Please, Stay On the Written Line.

Dear Princess Ember,

I don’t know whether to be shocked at you or disappointed in myself for not expecting an immediate response regarding my inquiry. I certainly did NOT expect having to navigate a paper tree to speak to anyone, let alone a dragon that’s not you.

Speaking with your father, however? As a mail handler? I couldn’t make a prediction like that if I had an endless scroll and a bottomless inkwell to write completely random predictions for the rest of eternity. And I’ve tried that once before. So far, “massive orgy by every powerful being in Equestria giving birth to the best worst thing in existence” hasn't happened. Yet.

Now, I’m guessing against all odds that your father actually dresses the part. I was wondering why Rarity sewed up a pair of Equestria's largest bedsheets and why that monstrous blanket had giant blue cloth tunnels sewn onto it, but I see now that those were actually massive sleeves for a uniform.

Perhaps you should give me some forewarning before giving Rarity such — literal — massive orders. I don't think the poor mare got a wink of sleep over the days she spent galloping back and forth stitching that giant uniform together. At least I can cancel the intervention I was going to have, because I had assumed that Rarity's giant hat obsession had gone far enough to merit its own outlandish fashion line.

Ember, I have no doubt you care greatly for your father’s well-being. And I’m sure his sudden announcement to quit retirement because he found it, and I quote, “boring, uneventful, and less fun than tossing around sheep for sport,” must have taken you by surprise. While I understand giving him work has certainly filled him with purpose again, I could never envision him wearing a pair of telescope lenses so he can read my writing. Nor would I think reading being a task that excites him so.

He’s quite pleased with what you’ve given him, however. By all means, don’t take that away. I’d rather keep contact with him like this than turning my voice hoarse shouting across an ocean in his general direction. Plus, his penmanship is the most adorable thing I’ve read in years. Ironically it’s so tiny I’d swear he wrote edicts for bedbugs. Or maybe his glasses are too strong. You should probably look into that when you have the time.

Anyway, we had a good chat while I waited to send this letter to you, but given you’re dealing with roughly two reams of inquiries from Twilight (seriously, if she needs to slow down, I’ll make a personal visit and crack the whip if necessary. Once she gets started on something ludicrous it can take up to a whole day for her to wind down), I understand why the wait time was so egregiously long. Good thing your father’s quite the talker—two hours passed by in the blink of an eye!

But now that I have your attention for the time being, I repeat my request to get some form of override for Spike’s voicemail in case I have urgent notices or requests for Twilight to read when immediate attention is required. I don’t appreciate one of my messages being held up in a queue, and again any assistance you can provide will help prioritize my mail accordingly.

Also, if your father’s away from your ‘office’ this weekend, don’t fret. We’ll be playing tennis with explosive boulders. It’s no big deal.

Best regards,

Princess Celestia

P.S. How do you feel about large-scale landscaping of dragon country?

A Song of Chill and Fever

Dear Doctor Kaufen Schneez,

Firstly, I wish to thank you for making time for a house call on such short notice. Believe me, if I had any inkling of advance notice in regards to Sunny and Moony’s ailments, I would have brought them to you long before they developed the respective temperatures of a scorching heat wave and a freezing blizzard.

On the plus side, at least you finally got to use that fire proximity suit I gave you a hundred years ago! I know you thought that was an unusual gift—your face practically wrote a whole dissertation on how much you thought you weren’t going to use it. Of course, I thought that you’d need it for me in case I ever caught a fever like this… which is technically still true. Just not the way you expected it to go, huh?

Per your recommendation I’ve been keeping the girls in separate wings of the castle. I understand your apprehensiveness in terms of the two being in close proximity—the last thing my castle needs is to turn into an impromptu spa with the worst steam problem since Aloe and Lotus’s negligence.

Although… it would be good for Spring cleaning this month. It’s got some risks to factor in, but a clean castle goes a long way toward a healthy recovery! It also helps to prepare for what will no doubt be a tumultuous year of mind-boggling shenanigans.

It really makes me want a vacation. Or a day trip at minimum, like the Crystal Empire. Have you ever been there, doctor? It’s fabulous this time of year, and being around such gleaming crystal sounds really nice right about now.

Anyway, thank you once more for your assistance, doctor. I’ll make sure they stay on their unusually large, brightly colored pills that I hope are ingested orally. You didn’t actually tell me how they’re supposed to take them, but I’m making that decision on good faith. Lots and lots of good faith.

Respectfully yours,

Princess Celestia

…

…No, I really must be certain.

P.S. If these really are anal suppositories, you tell me as soon as you get this, understand? I’m not leaving this to chance. It’s going to help me decide if all I need is a gentle hoof, an oven mitt, or a snap of latex.

My Celestial Advice Fell on Deaf Ears Until Today

Dear Twilight,

I thought my imaginations regarding your future were ludicrously fearful, but you changed my definition of ‘ludicrously fearful’ today. Thank you for that. Not really, but thank you.

Twilight, I’ve told you multiple, multiple times about the dangers of jumping to conclusions over the course of our correspondence. I’ve also told you on one particular occasion that I didn’t want you to make the same mistakes I’ve made.

This. This is why.

Back then, I was a hypocrite. I’m not ashamed to admit that. Even now, there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about your well-being. Especially with me fretting over your safety and future like I’m your mother, when you HAVE a mother. How pretentious is that?

I’m not perfect, nor have I tried to be. That does not mean I can’t make efforts to shape you into a better pony than me using my well of past experience. For years I’ve struggled with this, and it’s been hard on you at times. It’s been far harder on me—sometimes it feels like I’m shouting at a mirror.

Even so, we must better ourselves, Twilight. You’ve grown enough to the point where I can forgive this conclusive slip-up of yours—even if you did it three times in a row with increasingly worse conclusions each time. Honestly, that whole affair was so ridiculous, I had to laugh it off. No, there wasn’t a better way for me to handle that with how much I’ve discussed this with you. Sometimes one really must find time to laugh at repeated mistakes.

However, Twilight, you did something today that I didn’t do back then. That I haven’t done for years. It’s something I’m inordinately proud of you for doing, and it makes me feel selfish to admit I wish you’d do it more.

You sought advice when you needed it the most. And I will always be there to give you some when you want it. After all, hypocrisy does not harm advice; it merely harms the credibility of who is giving that advice.

Keep growing, Twilight. But please please please do not show me your worst-case scenario slideshow ever again. I might actually die of laughter, and that won’t be good for anyone.

Love,

Celestia

P.S. It was fun to gauge your reaction when I told you I didn’t know about my name being an expression. Why anyone would actually believe I’d be that out of touch with the world is beyond me.

~~~

Dear Discord,

Thanks for pressuring Twilight into making a decision in one day that took me years to commit to. I’m sure such sudden, undue stress over Starlight’s future is exactly what she needed on a day of celebration for saving all of Equestria.

Twilight had a meltdown today thanks to you. Granted she was going to have this meltdown somewhere down the line, but you did not need to expedite it. At. All.

Dick.

You’re lucky I was able to advise her on how to handle this situation, but don’t you dare pull a stunt like this again. I came to this party to have a good time, not for damage control. If I’m coming to a party for that, it better be your birthday.

One last thing. I heard your cheesy joke.

I'd tread very caerphilly if I were you.

Regards,

Celestia

Luna, how are the girls? Have they improved?

No, I don’t want freshly-made pizza and ice cream. I’m trying to diet, and—wait, why do you have those? Our kitchen’s in the middle of refurbishment.

...Okay, new rule: don’t use our sick others as a baking oven and dessert freezer. That’s not hot. Or cool.

Bonus: Why Shooting Straight Doesn't Beat a Royal Flush

Author's Note

Justice had the nuts to write a bonus letter before I could. I didn't see it coming until he put it right in front of my face, but when he did, I felt I had to put in my two bits too.

Strap in for the very first guest Letter, folks!

Bonus: Why Shooting Straight Doesn't Beat a Royal Flush

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Twilight informs me you are to be commended for your handling of a friendship issue with one Trixie Lulamoon. Although I barely know Trixie outside of second-hand correspondence from Twilight and the recent award ceremony, from what limited exposure I have you certainly deserve some credit for not pummeling her on the spot.

Though, if the temptation arises, please do so discreetly. Reading in the newspaper about two of Equestria’s latest heroes getting into a slugfest, or gods forbid some sort of ill-fated magic duel, is not how I want to start my morning.

Granny Smith also sent me a letter about what happened today. She was quite cordial about the whole thing; I’m not too surprised as she’s seen far worse than this from, uh, personal experience. However, I’m given to understand you let your anger build up literally and simply bottled it up, also quite literally. Of course, we all know what happened next.

I would imagine that if anypony would understand the consequences of storing magical items in glass containers, it would be the mare that did it to an entire village, the Princess of Friendship and her entourage. I know that bringing up the past is not a tasteful topic, but if you refuse to learn from history, this old broken record will keep repeating herself until the world ends in a soul-crushing spacial rend of oblivion.

Twilight has quite the vivid imagination. Don't tell her I told you that, because she'll tell me not to tell you things behind her back about things she told me about you behind your back.

Speaking of her, if you’re worried about me letting Twilight in on what happened, don’t worry. It sounds like you and Trixie managed to patch things up between you and any property damage caused by this little incident. The fact that what transpired arrived to me via a letter from Granny Smith and not a damage report from the mayor is a testament to the fact that you managed to correct your mistake before any lasting or costly damage was caused.

Though I still have a couple pieces of advice.

Old Saddle Arabian Lamps make for very eye-catching and attractive receptacles to store magic, emotions, or the odd summoned creature. They’re great ways to start conversations and can quickly turn a dull and dreary affair into something much more lively.

If you find you can’t express your anger right then and there for whatever reason, may I suggest writing it down? Perhaps into a letter to send to whoever the — pardon my language here — peeving perpetrator? Even writing your feelings down in a journal, sending them to a pen pal, or a journal that serves as a two-way communication device with a pen pal is a good idea here.

Best of luck to you in your newly graduated state and being close friends with Trixie.

You’re going to need it.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Now the, where did that cute little Flush get to? Oh… There she… he…? Is! Oh! And you’ve made a little half-cocker spaniel, half-tea kettle friend!

… SUNNY!!!! GET IN HERE THIS INSTANT AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF!

Okay, I understand your excitement about wanting your own cute, twisted crime against nature as a pet, but having a half-tea kettle dog is a lot of responsibility! You’ll have to clean up after her… him…

Ninander? That’s a strange name, but ‘her’ I guess…

Anyhow, you’ll need to take Nina for walks. Change her bag daily. Tell her my name is not ‘Edward’ and most importantly, get her out of here! It’s tiring shouting over her whistling and she’s already steaming up the room!

Oh, my apologies. I was sure that creature was made by you. I suppose I should have considered Moony’s temperament as well… Wait… “THAT ONE IS MOONY’S”?! How many adorable abominations did you two make and out of what?!

…Oh my gosh! They’re soaking everything, but those teacup puppies are just absolutely ador— SUNNY! FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, IF YOU’RE GOING TO CREATE PETS OUT OF DOGS AND INANIMATE OBJECTS, PICK SMALL BREEDS AND SMALL OBJECTS! I AM NOT CLEANING UP THAT SMOKING LUMP THAT’S ON MY BED! Now please clean that up before your Stove-Mastiff burns down any more furniture.

Flurry's Emotions are Uplifting in More Ways Than One

My Dearest Cadance,

I love you with all my heart. I do, and I say this next statement with all the kindness and royal courtesy I can muster:

What in Tartarus were you thinking dropping off your baby with Twilight without even an inkling of advance notice?

Actually, don’t answer that. I know for a fact your mind was not in the right place—you’re raising a huggable baby with more latent magical power than half of the ridiculously powerful ancient artifacts in Equestria. It’s only natural to expect you and your husband would have a few days where a screw comes loose.

Keeping that in mind, what exactly prevented you from finding a local babysitter in the Crystal Empire? Was Sunburst stricken with a case of Hay Fever? Did other babysitters reject the offer because they lacked fire extinguishers, hoof mirrors, or a way to cage a wingspan that could shade four foals from the sun at once? Were they afraid that if a single hair was left out of place on her mane, you’d exact an unloving wrath reminiscent of their former king?

Whatever the reasons were, there’s still no excuse for not sending some sort of advance notice to Twilight regarding your situation. Speaking of that, you’re incredibly fortunate you could give her the baby at the castle with no advance warning. If she wasn’t home, what was your big plan then? Carry her with you to an art show where trash is completely indiscernible from treasure? FeathEx her over to me? Or perhaps you’d suck it up and treat it as a day trip with a baby in tow?

Sigh……. Look, I understand you are new to the whole parent business. As far as rookie mistakes go in realizing exactly how much planning you have to make regarding your little ball of squee and awww, this is hardly the worst thing in the world you could have done. You’re certainly not neglectful of her needs, but do make sure you’re not being an inconvenience to others when you think you need to take a day to breathe.

Other than that, I wish you the best in being the fun, but definitely responsible parents Flurry Heart could ever hope for.

Hugs and kisses to you and Flurry,

The Wise, Other Best Aunt Ever

P.S. Thank you for sending over forty jars of mashed peas in the event I do watch Flurry one day in the future, but... does she eat anything else? Also, am I using a hundred packs of diapers for her, or to drain my garden fountains for maintenance?

Actually, I'm just going to use those diapers to build a fort. I'm sure Flurry would appreciate that, but this might be overkill for future notice.

~~~

Dear Twilight,

How could you possibly think that taking on a babysitting job while also volunteering to read for a room of sick children suffering from Horsey Hives was ever a good idea? In the hours you spent over the course of the day, has there not been a single second where you realized exactly how dumb this was?

I get you put yourself in a rock and a hard place shoehorning a baby into that plan, but… really?? Was there no other way to keep her out of that room? You could have her play with Spike for fifteen minutes or something, anything that would keep her away from that contaminated environment! That was so utterly neglectful of Flurry’s safety, I’m stunned Spike didn’t call you out on that.

Cadance and Shining gave you their child to take care of and keep under a watchful eye. This is Child Safety 101 for you, and you’re already failing the class. I’m not sure how you managed to turn things in your head around enough to think all you needed to learn was to make time for her when you needed to learn so much more than that.

However, you’re also new to the whole babysitting job. To some degree, this incredibly irresponsible mistake can be chalked up to a grave error in prioritizing, and you should be thankful Flurry hasn’t developed any symptoms of Horsey Hives at this time. Even so, don’t you dare make this kind of mistake to our darling niece again, or you’re going to find yourself as a new contender for this year’s Spazzy by being Aunt of the Year.

Discord is already a shoe-in for it by turning the Miss Swiss Alps into a sugar-coated choco-mountain of a mess and ruining a humble ski resort in the process. I sincerely hope you don’t do anything to trump this “achievement” of his.

Regards,

Celestia

P.S. I hope if you eventually have children, you will take notes from Applejack when it comes to safety concerns for children. However, you should take most of her advice on that front with a grain of salt... maybe an entire salt shaker. Just be sure that whatever you take from her that sounds sensible, don’t hop the fence and coddle your children either. That’s opening the door to a whole other problem.

Hmm… come to think of it, what would I do to make Flurry’s stay safe in the castle? All of the kitchen muttware need to be good with foals, and now that Sunny and Moony figured out how to make catlery, I need a safe way to sort out the forks and knives. A spray bottle should do the trick there...

Ah, there’s my afternoon slice of cake. Thank you, Ready Maid. I need this today more than most other days.

...Did this plate just growl at me?

NO! Listen up, you pomeranian plate, that cake is mine. I don’t know how you got mixed in with my fine china, but this is not okay!

Look, I don’t like this situation you’re in either, but let’s compromise. I eat the cake, you clean up all the crumbs. Deal? Deal.

Bonus: The Arts and Crafts of War

“Pillow Talk. Pillow Talk, this is Rising Sun. Do you copy?” An alabaster pony called in a mock radio communication accent, kneeling low behind a stack of diaper bags arranged methodically in a bricklayer tile pattern.

To her left sat Luna, who hid on top her own stack of diaper bags piled up in a small but sturdy mound. She kept her body as flat as she could to minimize exposure to the threat at hoof.

“Must we use these silly codenames, sister?” Luna scoffed. “I hardly think they’re necessary.”

“But of course! We must entertain our lovely Pink Eagle’s little game, right?” Celestia pointed to their target, a ‘fort’ that looked less like a fort and more like a pile of diaper bags arranged with no apparent rhyme or reason, safe for a small hole near the front where a petite pink face stuck out like a turtle head.

“Gaboogi!” Flurry Heart pointed a hoof in Luna’s direction.

Celestia nodded. “Exactly.”

“You don’t even know what she said!” Luna threw her hooves out and raised her head in mild irritation to glare at Celestia.

Pomf—CRASH

An error capitalized on by one gleeful baby as she launched a diaper bag with startling accuracy, more startling power, and even more startling situational awareness.

Celestia blinked at Flurry Heart before turning to smirk at her sister. “How about now?”

Luna sighed, and in a deep blue glow pulled the bag of diapers off of her face. Then she pulled herself away from the diaper-lined walls of Celestia’s bedroom that served as an impact cushion and hid behind her mound. “Still developing a firm translation, but I think I have the basics down.”

“Grrrrrahr!” Flurry boldly declared before hunkering down in Fort “Pffffhtththtpp”, though the adults in the room preferred Fort ‘Raspberry’ better.

“So, who wants to try and raid her fort first?” Celestia asked.

“As the first casualty of war, I politely decline for now.” Luna rubbed her head, still recovering from the blow. “You give it a go.”

Celestia nodded, and snatched a spoon up in a golden glow. Scooping up a heaping portion of mashed pea, she took careful aim and let the gooey green mass fly.

With a messy splat, it found its target. Flurry Heart cheered, face covered in pea, and Celestia hoof-pumped at her joy.

“Direct hit!”

“Haba!” Flurry concurred.

“Hooray,” Luna added with a roll of her eyes.

“Oh come now, this is fun! It’s your turn anyway, so take your best shot!”

Luna sighed, and grabbed a small jar of hoof paint she’d stashed behind her diaper mound. Untwisting the lid, she stared at the green liquid for a moment before turning to the cooing baby nestled in her diaper den.

Then she turned to Celestia, and had an idea.

An awful idea.

Grin curling upwards, she let her paint jar fly while crying out in full force, “Incoming!”

Flurry’s eyes widened as she observed the flight path of the paint jar, squealed as it reached the peak of its arc...

SPLAT

And laughed with joy as it landed on an unsuspecting target!

“LUNA! By Starswirl’s beard, what are you doing?!”

Luna laughed, rolling over on her side as the giggles rocked her body. “Whoops! Friendly fire!”

“... Hehehehe, well played!” Celestia blurted out amid her own fit of giggles.

As the three took a moment to sort the laughter out of their system, it was Flurry’s turn once more to choose a weapon.

As she scoured the room for her selection, Luna gave an aside glance to Celestia. “Sister, are you sure she can’t throw anything worse than a diaper bag?”

“Relax, Luna. I made sure the worst that could happen is the diaper bag.”

"Oopoori!" Flurry said with delight, holding up a modest-size box.

"Sister, what is she holding?" Luna asked.

Celestia’s eyes slowly began to shrink as she recognized the shape of the box and its distinct green and yellow coloration. "That... is a box of crayons."

"What size?"

"The big box,” Celestia answered in a worried tone. “I was saving that for Sunny."

Flurry opened the lid of the box, revealing a wall of pointy crayons in a rainbow of colors. “Eheehee!”

Luna’s tone quickly matched her sister’s. "H-How many crayons are in there?"

"Ninety six,” Celestia deadpanned.

Flurry Heart pulled out all the crayons in a swift, golden glow. Turning them toward the two shivering adults, she squealed with joy. Her innocent-looking eyes portrayed a stark contrast to what was about to happen.

“Pre-sharpened?”

“Most likely.”

“Sister?”

“Yes?”

Luna held up a diaper bag for defense. “If we die, I blame you for this.”

Celestia mirrored Luna’s action, bag at the ready. “Duly noted!”

Author's Note

Okay, I know this is a break from the typical Letters format, but I felt like having a bit of fun writing this.

Enjoy, dear readers!

A Rock Solid Friendship Still Needs a Firm Foundation

Dear Mayor Mare,

I’ve heard news of a professor of rockology that moved into the Ponyville-adjacent district. It’s also my understanding her choice of residency happens to be located near the Common Crystal Caverns, recently renamed from the Rare Crystal Caverns. It’s almost hard to believe that after just twenty seconds of proper, professional assessment a name was so promptly overturned.

Then again, the original discoverer lacked the credentials to certify their rarity, but as she was the only one that could locate such gems at the time, who were you to argue otherwise back then?

Now you can! Isn’t having a professional in the correct field of expertise delightful?

Speaking of which, thank you for including Maud’s supplemental notes regarding this week’s damage report. I’m not sure if the concept of Pinkie blowing up a cave to purposely try and trap herself, Maud and Starlight inside an underground tropical paradise, all for the sake of fostering friendship, is a half-baked or disgustingly raw idea. Yet it is so decidedly Twilight to force an issue on a friendship she has reason to believe won’t work out, I’m shocked this issue is even coming up again.

...Did I say Twilight?! Sorry, it was Pinkie’s problem this time, and not Twilight. However, these girls seem to share and know so much about each other nowadays. I wonder if they bother to share their old and new friendship lessons too so as to prevent these sorts of situations from spiraling out of control.

Am I too optimistic in hoping for that, Mayor? Please tell me I’m not.

Anyway, I realize you’re a bit jumpy around anything that sounds like an unplanned explosion these days, but it seems no other underground structures near the town were affected by this incident. Maud indicated in here that she’ll survey the town’s foundation and road infrastructure at your request, so all you need to do is ask and put your mind at ease. In fact, I suggest you do so ASAP before the next ‘unplanned’ explosion comes around.

Knowing Pinkie, she’ll probably blow something else up to force a brunch date or a Ponyville Welcome Party this week. See if you can get somepony to keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn’t do anything else that has her go off the rails again. Make sure they’re discreet, like a pizza delivery mare. She shouldn’t see that one coming.

Best of Luck,

Celestia

Hm? Who’s knocking right now?

Oh thank goodness, it’s Luna. Get in here, quickly!

I wrote about Pinkie again, and you know how she gets when I have words about her incredulous behavior! She’s coming, I can feel it!

Sister, I am not being ridiculous! Pinkie hasn’t struck for a while, but I refuse to let my guard down! She will come for you, for Pinkie, and for me!

...wait NO—

~~~

Dear Pinkie Pie,

I sincerely apologize for blasting you through half the castle walls and through a brand-new tunnel that goes completely through the mountain. Had I known in advance that you actually wanted to talk instead of be the creepy psychopath that’s haunted me over the past couple of years, I wouldn’t have given the kind of knee-jerk reaction I did. Next time, send a memo or something before you try a surprise talk.

Regarding your overreaction, I get it. You regressed again, and given the situation you found yourself in, it was wholly predictable. You tried way too hard, lost any sense of logic and reason, became your own worst enemy, wrecked yourself before you checked yourself (that’s how it goes, right?), yadda yadda.

Pinkie, by now you must realize that you should be better than this. How and why you sunk to Twilight’s level of coordinating friendship with smile charts and compatibility statistics, I will never be able to fully fathom. Yet I am happy you learned this lesson all the same, and even more thankful we’ve come to an agreement that ceases to turn the rest of my long-lived life into a jumpscare horror film.

You are permitted to do that only on Nightmare Night, however. I shall remember your fury-laced eyes as I tried taking that off the bargaining table. I’m surprised the full-body cast didn’t shatter into an unrecognizable mess of gauze and plaster. It did have a few cracks in it though—points for effort!

Rest peacefully, Pinkie. When you fully recover and get out of that cast, there will be a huge cake waiting for you, personally made by me.

If a slice is missing when it arrives, you don’t need to be a detective to sort out the culprit, hm?

Bonus: Spur of the Moment Spurred Me To Action, Part 2

Dear Spike,

Thank you for being a good friend to Rarity in this matter. Please give this scroll to Twilight.

Twilight, thank you for giving me a full, unbiased report on Rarity’s current status.

I’m not sure where Rarity found a snow shovel during spring (big winter blowout?), but bringing that to my attention is most appreciated. If you're still reading this, give this letter to Rarity. If she’s otherwise preoccupied with her tub of Gem and Berry’s, find a way to hold my reply up to her face.

If you're not reading this, then... SPIKE, I already told you to give this to Twilight! If you can’t do that, do what I asked Twilight to do, or start reading my response out loud.

Or if Rarity is reading this, thank you for not stuffing your face long enough to read my reply. In any case, whoever is holding this, I’m going to start.

Firstly, Rarity, I understand exactly how upset you are, and I don’t mean because Twilight explained your situation. It seems you’d written some comments after her explanation as a supplemental afterword of sorts. Whatever you’d written there surely must have been you pouring out all of your anger, frustration, and sorrow out on the parchment laid out before you. There’s just one problem: I can’t read them.

In fact, most if not all of your words were downright illegible on account of the fact that your section of this letter I received is completely covered in melted globs of ice cream. It currently reads, "Death by Cherry Garcia, Grandma's Cookie-Cake Dough-Batter, and finishes with Pistachio Blackberry Caribou Tracks.” I don't even think you care about the taste at this point, and that is truly an alarming sign.

That's maybe half as bad as the night I banished Luna, and if you're that disturbed, I'd rather you not spend a century wallowing in misery, eating cake frosting straight out of a three-gallon bucket.I don't think your situation is that dire, but just in case I have some pointers for you to consider when you have a moment to put down that snow shovel Twilight says you're using right now. No, seriously. Put that shovel down. Now.

I want you to think about the question I’m about to ask. Think hard through your storm of emotions and the potential brain freeze.

Do you think Maud meant to hurt you? Do you really believe that?

I’m not saying this because you shouldn’t be hurt by this—you were, and you have a right to be upset by what Maud said.

Yet you’ve spent time with her. Surely you’ve gathered some idea of how peculiar her behavior and personality are compared to all of your other friends. Please give some consideration to the context in which you knew her before this moment, especially when she makes her apology for that remark.

Yes, she will apologize. How, I won’t tell you.

You’ll just have to see it for yourself. Until then, see if you can find some forgiveness in your heart. It wouldn’t do for her apology to get a stone-cold reception.

Best Regards,

Princess Celestia

P.S. It would also help if you grew some thicker skin. Not just for this, but as general supportive advice. I can't help but think you should have developed that considering how many fashion critics you've put up with, but it's better you do this late than never.

Also, for my sake, use a napkin the next time you eat and write. You have no idea how difficult this was to unravel with how sticky it became.

Bonus: Spur of the Moment Spurred Me To Action, Part 3

Dear Maud,

When I told you you should write a heartfelt apology to Rarity, I suggested a few things you could try to really make it look heartfelt. Things like giving her legitimately rare gems, offering to give her pointers on how she can locate and find them herself. Maybe even give her a heart-shaped rock that can fit in her pocket called Timothy. Ultimately, however you chose to express your feelings in a way that really screamed "you", it would likely work for Rarity. Chiseling out your apology on ten stone slabs the size of house walls definitely shows effort, though I didn't mean your apology should have some literal weight to it.

How you chose to display this message was equally as important. While it certainly wasn't elegant, it got the job done. Arranging all of those slabs to be seen by her during her typical daily routine was no small feat of creativity, again literally. By the third she began actively looking for the next one like it was a Sorry Slab Scavenger Hunt.You had your sister help with nailing down her routine, I bet. Clever girl.

Of course, no one predicted one was going to topple over and nearly crush Rarity as she ran away from it. She could have run off to the side, but we all know stupid movement is what generates the best drama.It led into you breaking that last Sorry Slab with a killer foot dive though. I'm not complaining about that, and neither should Rarity.

Thus, you took this problem into your own hooves and resolved it like a true… what’s the term? BAMM? BARF? I don’t recall how it went; I’ll need to ask Luna what it is again later. But you’re whatever it stands for, if you know what that is. I hope you do.

Just be sure to mind your words around others. Facts are a cruel and merciless mistress to those that indulge in fantasies.

Wishing you luck with a repaired friendship,

Princess Celestia

...Sunny, what is this you brought me? It looks like a sketch of… our kitchen?

What do you mean, “That’s a blueprint?” For what? We already have a kitchen!

...A sanctuary. A kitchen. Pet. Sanctuary. You could do that, or you could stop making kitchen pets! Your choice.

You know what? Fine, please get it started! That way I can get this Saint Bernard Barstool off of my bed and into a proper environment! And if you’re going to consult an expert, please pick one that’s good with animals and kitchen remodeling!

Fluttershy Leans In On Her Dream Way Too Late

Dear Fluttershy,

You had an ambitious project built today according to the Mayor: an animal sanctuary! Here I thought your house was already one, but given the shocking density of semi-sapient wildlife overflowing the local veterinarian’s office, I’m not surprised the animals would need a new home for them to call their own.

To that end, you initially hired three experts to oversee your project:

First is Wrangler, an expert on animal enclosures, brought in for your sanctuary where the dream board design prominently featured no fences or cages whatsoever.

Then there's Hard Hat, a construction worker used to working with actual blueprints on buildings and hospitals. He recently finished a remodeling for the Baits Motel, and now he was brought in for a job that was not about raising a house or barn.

Finally you have Dandy Grandeur, an interior decorator… Do I have to explain how boneheaded this choice of an expert was? Do I really have to?

In case you’re missing it, your panel of experts were incorrect choices for what you actually needed. Why you did not think for half a second that these experts were not the landscapers you were looking for is something I cannot soundly explain short of your decision feeling forced.

Thus, I presume this decision wasn’t one you made alone. You wouldn’t seek out a group of professionals so utterly misaligned with your goals—it’s so dumb, even Rainbow Dash would think that’s a terrible idea... maybe.

Fluttershy, if anypony you know (even your friends) recommended these bozos, do yourself a favor. Get yourself a newspaper, roll it up tightly, and hit them with it. Multiple times, at least four or five. They probably didn’t understand what you wanted from the beginning, especially if any of them decided to take the expert’s side over yours.

If that applies, multiply your newspaper thwacks by two to the offending pony. Also, for whoever recommended the interior designer, multiply the thwacks by four.

This is not to say that only you or your friends (again, if applicable) bear all of the blame. The experts should have extended a professional courtesy to bow out if the job they’re given is not something they’re properly qualified to do, or they don’t know how to fulfill your request. It’s even worse when they decide that you don’t know what you want and they do their own thing to try and make your idea happen.

However, I will note that this is a different situation when the client consults the correct expert. I’m sure Rarity can relate to that, right?

Speaking of Rarity, it seems you also took her unofficial advice in using friends as free labor, since that’s how this sanctuary currently exists. You also hired a surprise country stallion that’s... good with critters? That’s still not a landscaper, but whatever. You made it work out since you actually started taking charge of leading your dream team instead of leaving them to their own devices and hoping for the best.

I hope you took away something more substantial from this whole ordeal that wasn’t a cheesy remark about following your dreams, because you needed to learn way more about what it takes to make a dream a reality than how you envision it coming to fruition.

Despite all the learning you could use right now, I wish you well in this venture of yours, and may your sanctuary carry life and longevity for the creatures within.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Alright Sunny, how goes the progress of this kitchen animal sanctuary?

Well, a few kinks are to be expected, although I don’t know why you mentioned “rope kinks” specifically. Can I just see what the progress is so far?

The experts aren’t finished? I thought this was going to be a one-day project! Who did you hire?!

...a blacksmith, a rock climber and a baker? Oh, for… no no, I’m fine, Sunny.

I’ll be right back. I just need to grab a newspaper.

Forever Filled With Good Grief

Journal Entry 001

I am told that but a year of separation from a sibling’s life is more than enough to estrange oneself from them, regardless if the fault is due to differing life choices, work schedules, or simply a lack of communication.

What, then, are the steps to take for repairing a thousand years of separation? How does one such as myself begin to fix a burnt bridge this antiquated?

I believe the answer is in the realization tonight that I’m not the only one that wishes to fix the bridge. In this respect, I still know my sister. Yet I find myself vexed in sorting out what her new likes and hobbies are.

Perhaps they are reminiscent of her older hobbies? From my recollection, Noble Punting was a fun sport back then. Ah, the days would go by in a breeze when the whining started close, then became ever so distant as the seconds ticked by. It only helped her to persist the sport when the nobles misunderstood NP as “no problem”.

We really were quite good at making our problems go away. Hmm… I still never beat her at that. Perhaps I should see if she’s willing to accept a rematch.

But back to the subject at hoof. How to connect with Celestia… food, perhaps? She did seem quite stiff about what food she prefers eating. Cabbage, apricots, a good slice of toast with marmalade, but never cake. Cake is bad!

That settles it. Tomorrow I’ll make her lunch. Brussels sprouts, peanut butter and mayonnaise should do the trick! With a pinch of moon dust, naturally. That will absolutely convey my feelings for her as a newly reformed sister!

Dearest little sister,

I originally wanted to play a small prank on you acting as some greater knowledged spirit within this two-way communication diary I’ve given you, but in light of this first entry (which I hope you’re still reading as I continue on here), I must interject with a small, simple request.

IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND SACRED, ASK ME WHAT I LIKE NOW.

Using antiquated notions of a time and age where I was younger and dumber and willing to eat just about anything you threw at me on a plate? This idea would work if I was fully frozen in time while you were away. Unfortunately, I’m not the one frozen in time here—can you guess who that is?

Don’t get me completely wrong, however. There is nothing to say I still don’t like some of those traits you mentioned—a good round of NP sounds delightful, though I’ve had to modernize it a bit since then.

By which I mean I added a goalpost on the side of the mountain and a scoreboard.

I also still enjoy marmalade on toast. But never, ever say I would turn down cake ever again. If there’s one big change about me I will burn into your brain, it’s that one. Cake is my life now.

I cannot stress enough that I’m here if you need to know anything else about me that’s changed since your insanely outdated recollection of me, Luna. I’m not some fond little puppy you remember from ages past that fetches your slippers for you, even though I would still fetch your slippers today which makes me think using a fetching puppy as an example of change is a really terrible idea to begin with.

Also you can fetch your own slippers now. They’re right outside your bedroom door. I know this because I put them there.

I know you’re looking at this with a suspicious look, but I really want us to try a sister slippers thing! If it doesn’t work out, we’ll abandon the idea, okay?

Parental Glideance Might Not be Best After the Bird Has Left the Nest

Dear Rainbow Dash,

For the longest time, I berated you under the premise that your pride and ego were things you held up far too highly for your own good. I thought them to be self-actualized, born from a natural sense of achievement within you and heartily nurtured by your parents. It didn’t sound like a particularly bad upbringing—maybe a bit jarring depending on how strongly you developed your ego and how others perceived it, but hardly the worst upbringing ever.

Yet upon reviewing your original application into the Wonderbolt Academy, you didn’t list your parents as emergency contacts should any on-site injuries occur. I admit I developed some curiosity into this matter, so I went straight to the source on this—well, it’s not like I had anything better to do on a Sunday. Luna was busy adding more bleachers near the NP goalpost (I’m stunned there are fans of this), and the day was mostly quiet due to a not-so-shocking lack of nobles which were not my problem for the day.

Anyway, so I visited your parents’ house, and I just have one thing to say:

I am extraordinarily proud that you left this house on the cusp of adulthood. If there wasn’t a low-end age limit on house acquisition, I’d be shocked if you didn’t move out sooner than your birthday.

Five minutes, Rainbow. Five minutes spent with your parents shattered my preconceptions about your childhood in one of the worst ways possible. The trophies documenting your growth are astounding and creepy (who keeps a third of their umbilical cord?!), and the teen years didn’t do you any favors either. “Best Brace Bearer”, “Number One Acne Annihilator”, and a literal hole in the wall turned into a shrine for “First Broken Curfew”? By the gods, they must have driven you insane!

Correction: I just remembered they presented a broken sandwich plate as your “First Bout of Insanity”. I thought I had knowledge that would contest that record, but then Windy and Bow stunned me by presenting a broken fanblade from the Cloudsdale Weather Factory.

They call it your "Best Factory Wrecker" trophy.

I have no words. I'm actually speechless there.

There is one thing I can say to you, however. I will hold firm that denying them information on your Wonderbolt status IS disrespectful, despite their over enthusiastic TMI awards. I understand you getting upset over all of those mundane achievements recorded by your parents including a recent one for…towel hanging (What? No really, what??). However, denying them a chance to give praise on a praise-worthy moment like that is more selfish than their awards and fangirl screaming are embarrassing.

Somepony probably spelled that out to you this week, but if they also tried to justify all of their unnecessary praise, just take them back to your parents’ home and show them the “Best at Being Born” ‘trophy’. That should spell things out for them on what praise is actually good and what praise is pointless.

I look forward to how your damage control is going with them, Rainbow Dash. It’s still hard to believe your parents caused more damage than you today (setting off fireworks in the bleachers is somehow the one blowup nopony focused on), but there is a first time for everything.

Best of luck,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Unbelievably, your parents gave ME awards. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to react to a “Blue Ribbon for Regal Presentation” award or a “Second Place for Brutal Honesty” medal—apparently you hold the gold medal, but I’m not going to compete for that. Some achievements just aren’t worth it.

Even more surprising, my mane alone won four more awards: "Freshest Resemblance to Toothpaste", "Best in Show for Breezeless Flowing", "Honorary Mention for Most Efficient Storage Container", and "Most Incredible Cape Material". I object to that last one. That's clearly Luna's.

Also, I’m in the middle of sending your parents a new set of commemorative plates. Apparently their last set broke due to an earlier house guest’s unbridled cheer, and I currently have no shortage of plates.

If for some reason they begin complaining about one of their plates hopping off the mantle, prancing about and leaving porcelain bead droppings on the floor, notify me as soon as possible.

Author's Note

What's this? A letter releasing on the same day as the US airtime? WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?!

Canada. Blame Canada.

It's Hard to Say Anything About Where the Crusaders are...

Dear Twilight,

I just received this hastily written request that reads like three frantic mares fought over possession of the quill trying to get their words on the parchment. Ordinarily I’d wonder who wrote this, but given the amount of times the names Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom appeared, discerning the authors’ identities is hardly a mystery.

My little ponies, do yourself a favor and pull yourselves together. Yes, all three turning up missing after a whole day with nopony having any knowledge of their whereabouts is definitely something to fret over. However, turning the town upside-down, literally in at least three cases of actual house-flipping by ‘a crazed white mare screaming for her lost sister’ (I know the feeling, Rarity), is a bit much for the townsfolk and Mayor Mare to handle.

You have Twilight there with you—let her formulate a calm, orderly plan to scope out the town and the outskirts proper while I send out notices to the neighboring towns and provinces regarding three lost fillies. I’ve already got a squadron of guards sniffing out the Canterlot Commons as I write this reply.

We will find them. If we’re lucky, odds are they’re within the vicinity of an Apple family relative somewhere in Equestria that would happily inform us of their whereabouts via a prompt and efficient letter which would fully dispel thy fears and concerns. The Apple family is the type of family that won’t forget such an important notice regarding one of their kin and her two companions, and would definitely not shirk such responsibility for trivial reasons… probably. Hopefully!

...It’s going to be that, isn’t it?

Well, regardless if it is or not, think positive thoughts about their safety. Thinking about the worst case scenarios doesn’t do any good for anypony, as Twilight and I are quite aware of.

They’ll come home, my little ponies. Safe and sound into your snuggling, slightly-choking forelegs.

Searching with fervor,

Princess Celestia

P.S. If those three haven't paved some untold path of destruction using a giant stone slab or pretending to destroy pigs in shoddy houses, they should be fine. Their destructive tendencies have waned off over the past few years, but it might come back in a glorious manifestation of ill-conceived romantic escapades and/or surprise home relocating or remodeling. Wouldn't that be a kick in the head?

...But It's Not Hard to Say Anything About Who was With Them

Dear Big Macintosh,

I’m certain your sister’s given you an earful by now of how important it is to let others know about where you go when you leave the orchard, or in this case where your younger sibling and her friends wander off to that just so happens to be where you are because they snuck onto your apple cart without you noticing. I’m certain two other ponies have given you similar earfuls for this information that could have been sent to them in less than twenty-four hours and wholly prevented a nationwide marehunt for three potentially endangering ponies. As much as I’d love to add my two bits to this, you probably have enough bits on hoof from this to buy yourself a new yoke that feels slightly less constricting on your neck.

However, there’s still some bits I can throw in regarding the excuse you gave as to why said message had not been relayed: you were chasing tail while following the antiquated courting advice of the three ponies that also gave you antiquated love poison.

It sounds ridiculous when I put it that way, and it should because that’s how your head needed to parse it. Big, romantic gestures like what you tried are all show and no substance. The only reason to use one is if you are a noble, because nobles are the rare breed that somehow manage to keep medieval wooing standards in peak condition.

Most nobles, anyway. Some have adopted more progressive standards while others will persist with a wicked motherly creature ripped straight out of a world filled with devilish cats and fairy godmothers.

But enough about Filthy Rich’s taste in mares. You managed to woo your romantic interest with a gesture that actually meant something to her, and that’s worth jumping for joy. Gods know what others thought would be in store for you (or might still be, on the off-chance this doesn’t work out), but for what it’s worth I wish you well in your future encounters with your potential special somepony.

Just don’t take romantic advice from children ever again. That’s all I ask.

Hoping your ears still function after three ponies screamed them to deaf,

Princess Celestia

Sunny? You seem awfully ecstatic tonight. Did something happen with your new sanctuary, or…

Who. Is. That?

Sir Croak M. Boosh, is it? Oh no no, he simply will NOT do as your new boyfriend. Blessings?! Unbelievable! I refuse to grant that so easily. Not until I've taken the time to get to know your new suitor.Don't worry about a thing. I'm just going to test his... resolve for a few minutes. I'm not going to do anything to him! I know he looks sweet, but I have to know that's not just on the outside, understand?

Author's Note

I thought about this episode for a while, and whether or not I should address the fact that no one noticed three teenage girls disappearing in broad daylight, or focus on misguided romance tactics.

Then I realized it wasn't a Split decision and I could do both, so here we are!

Bonus: When It's Hard to Say Anything, Just Say Everything!

Dear Feather Bangs,

First of all, congratulations on being the first ever letter to be answered by Princess Celestia’s ‘Here. Practice writing by responding to this. It looks unimportant,’ service (It’s a working title, probably)! I’m sure you have many other options for letter sending, so thanks for sorta choosing me!

Now then, sounds like you have three potential girlfriends, who, quote, look like Disney Princesses but ponies, yo, end quote, but no idea how to talk to them or which one to pick! And, oh no! Do you really think you’ve jeopardized your chances with them by asking three little fillies who tried to help you do a music number but almost ended up burning down your town?! I was really confused when you said you came from our town, but I don’t remember seeing you in Canterlot! And I definitely do NOT remember three girls burning down our town! So if you’re not from our town, then where is your town??

Actually, where you are is not important! That still sounds bad! I mean… I heard there wasn’t much to not-our-town-but-definitely-your-town, but I can imagine that all your stuff is there and also the girls, so that must be super rough.

Well, I’ve only ever talked to a princess when I mistake a mirror for Celestia, or am talking to my sister, or mistake the reflection of my sister for her, or when I talk to my sister’s sister, or when I talk to Celestia. Also sometimes I talk to other princesses like Twilight or Cadence. But never Disney Princesses! Except when I sing along with the videos Celestia lets me and my sister watch… Hey! How do you know about Disney?! I thought only Auntie Twilight did! Are you a friend of Twilight? Did you know she’s a princess?! Maybe you can practice talking to her!

Also, I think you’re wrong that singing and hair flipping won’t work. Singing seems to work well in everything I’ve seen. Though, you have to be careful about what you sing! Some songs are scary and attract cackles of hyenas (a quote cackle unquote is what a group of hyenas is called! Neat, huh?)

Some songs are good but might attract sea witches or even eels to throw you over your boat, so maybe if you sing those songs, don’t sing on a boat.

Still, I also heard that mane flipping attracts mates! I’ve flipped my mane a few times and it seems to work great! Every time I’m done flipping out there’s loads of playmates stuck in there, and the best part is they can’t leave until I let them out! It might help that I have very long and shimmering hair, so if your hair isn’t super long or shimmery, you might need to become an alicorn first.

Also, it might help to reference something everyone can agree is great! Here, I just thought of something to get you started off…

My face is sweaty, knees weak, hooves are heavy,
There's vomit in my mane already, mom's spaghetti!
I’m nervous, but I have a pocket full of calm spaghetti.
When I was a colt I ate four mom’s spaghetti every morning to get big.
Now that I’m grown I eat five mom’s spaghetti so I’m roughly the size of a pig!

And then like… write a few more verses but keep on mentioning spaghetti here and there! And remember to keep flipping your hair.

As far as which one to pick, I say just keep trying to wash the vomit out of your mane, singing about spaghetti, and hair flipping until one or all three want to be with you.

And make believe with you!

And live in harmony, harmony oh mom’s spaghetti!

Ooh ooh, I just came up with the second verse!

Well, I’m super hungry now, so good luck! I’ll write you again if I think of any more song lyrics and remember you, but that second thing probably won’t happen.

Signed,

Not Actually Princess Celestia But Definitely a Reasonable Fac… Fac… Fact Simply!

Author's Note

I took a nap for a little while, and it looks like my buddy Justice took the wheel again while I was resting.

Thanks for making my morning entertaining!

If I'm Honest, I Had an Apple Naming Relapse

Dear Applejack,

As per our legal agreement I am taking great care to not misspell or misrepresent your name. I only ask you turn a blind eye to the emphasis around 'jack'. I was merely thinking of a very recent incident in which five ponies were temporarily hijacked. As all five ponies have now reported that they are safe and aren't pressing charges, I've decided to turn a blind eye to this pony kidnapping as I'm sure you'll turn a blind eye to any slight mistakes I might make writing your name.

So ApplePonyHijacker, I am given to understand Rarity asked for your help judging a fashion competition.

Kudos to you for stepping outside your comfort level. Now, I am told you initially took to this job with little enthusiasm and then perhaps a little too much enthusiasm, but it sounds like you eventually came to terms about what it means to be a good judge in this case. Honesty is a good policy, but so is tempering your message when appropriate and conferring with your colleagues before you open your mouth to stomp all over their feelings, literally destroy someone's hard work, or go on to commit crimes once, twice, or five times all for the sake of making an apology happen on your terms.

I hope you'll commit this new lesson to heart as much as I hope Ponyville kidnappings return to pre-fashion competition and pre-changeling invasion days. Hopefully you’ve come to terms with everypony having their own perspective that is different from your own and being able to at least tolerate that. On that note, I seriously hope you can help me with a little issue that's come across my desk. While this is certainly a civil matter well within Mayor Mare’s authority to handle, she’s far too busy trying to quell the concerned townsfolk over a serial kidnapper that steals away ponies in broad daylight and has temporarily asked for my assistance during this time.

Anyway, it seems somepony keeps throwing apples at the home of a certain pegasus named Strawberry Sunrise. I understand she also lives in Ponyville and have deduced that the apples must be coming from your own orchard. It is my hope you can identify and put a stop to this culprit who is clearly wasting apples. Perhaps you can share this newfound wisdom you've discovered with them rather than force my hooves on this matter. AppleforGodsSakeStopThrowingApplesOrI'llHaveToSendYouToTheDungeonForALongTimeJack, I leave this matter in your capable hooves.

Totally Not Threatening One Million Years Dungeon,

Princess Celestia

~~~

Dear Rarity,

I’m not entirely sure what demonic entity possessed you to place Applejack as a fashion judge. Or in the case of this “inspired” decision actually being yours, then I have no clue what could inspire you to invite a mare that legitimately chose galoshes to go with her gala dress on her first formal outing.

It is indeed a fact that she’s honest, which is an admirable quality to have in a judge. There's even something to say about practicality having a place in the commonplace world of fashion, which is a world apart from the fashion devoted to making statements, but I'm sure you knew that. Yet it is also a fact she doesn’t like fashion. I thought you knew this—heck, this seems like something you’d directly state if prompted to, perhaps when you last hosted a fashion show in Ponyville. Granted, I heard nothing but praise about the show from Mayor Mare at the time, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t some brain-melting stupidity prior to such success being reported. That seems to be the real trend these days.

Unfortunately, that also includes today. It’s a near-guarantee that had you not chosen AppleTheBestBookIsAnInstructionManualJack as your final judge, this entire fiasco from the botched show to a showstopping crime spree of kidnapping could have merely been a fleeting fantasy worthy of Twilight’s Worst Case Scenario Highlight Reel. Picking just about anypony else would have served as a better judge. Fluttershy actually worked for Photo Finish at your behest. Pinkie Pie and Discord play more dress-up than a filly’s doll. Rainbow Dash has even started dressing with some degree of respect as a Wonderbolt, and you can bet your curled tail Twilight would spend half the afternoon reading How to Fashion Judge for Dummies in preparation for the role. You didn’t even consider Spike as a possibility, and that dragon’s spent so much time following you around some of you HAD to have rubbed off on him by now.

...I could have word that better. Regardless, you had options that were more than capable of filling the hole in the panel of judges. Instead, you picked the mare that has twenty of the same hat in her closet from a family whose biggest fashion statement is a horse head mask. I had a better chance of being convinced this was some ill-conceived courting attempt rather than an educated decision. Had.

Does this mean you’re wholly to blame for everything that happened after this fateful selection? No, but you still carry a great deal of blame for bringing in a fashion judge that doesn’t like fashion. I don’t care if they’ve got practicality in spades; it’s a shot in the foot, a self-destructive decision akin to drinking orange juice right after brushing one’s teeth. Honestly, what were you thinking?!

There had to have been signs over the course of her short judging career that you saw. Signs glowing in bright neon colors straight out of Las Pegasus’s evening scene that AppleJackingUpTheirOutfitsLikeACombineHarvester behaved so abhorrently that it warranted a two—no, five minute side conversation telling her to calm down and stop being a belligerent arsehole. That’s all that had to be done!

Rarity, tell me with a straight face that there was no way you could have arranged that in any capacity. Can you do that? Will you dare?

Now, despite all of your lackluster attempts at damage control before everything blew up in your face, I'll make it clear that AppleToreUpMoreFabricThanARogueScissorBladeJack has certainly earned your scorn for her actions. Dealing with charged opinions like hers is no easy task, and I wholly expected some generous comeuppance on a level matching her generously offered opinions. Introducing her to a pony that doesn’t like apples and thinks they’re disgusting? Kudos to you for your clever thinking.

Now Applejack and Strawberry Sunrise are flinging more fruit at each other than a food fight at a gay bar. Mayor Mare’s nearly at her wit’s end as she’s doubled and redoubled her efforts to calm the townsfolk convincing them that they’re not being assaulted by Fruit Ninjas.

No, it’s not your fault they escalated to that—Granny Smith and I thought that something like this would happen eventually. However, if you’d be a dear and find some way to cleanly handle this messy situation that’s happening between two of your friends, I’d greatly appreciate it. I’d help in this matter, but I’m still in the middle of sorting out how much psychological damage AppleIsSoGettingSuedForThisJack caused from… well, everything she’s done thus far.

Pray I find a swift resolution. I’ll be praying you do the same.

Wishing To Mutual Success In Damage Control,

Princess Celestia

Now then, Sunny, Moony, I have a task for both of you this week. Simply put, despite your best efforts to make a kitchet pet sanctuary to contain the ever-increasing amounts of utensils, plates and cookware, the sanctuary is running out of shelf and cabinet space to hold everything together. The counters are starting to pile up with dishes, and I get the impression that if something isn't done to stem the tide, we're going to have very big kitchen sanitation problems in the coming weeks.

So as much as I hate to break this to both of you, we've reached a point where either we stop making kitchen pets, or you start finding loving homes that are willing to accept these adorably useful, if slightly bizarre creations.

I don't want you to make this decision immediately. However, I would like both of you to try and find a home for at least one pet. Take a few with you as you travel around Equestria over this week, and take this task seriously. Luna and I will hold down the castle and keep an eye on the Sanctuary while you two are out and about.

Yes, I'm certain we'll be fine. What could possibly go wrong with just the two of us handling things?

Author's Note

This is an episode that hurt my head so much, I could only manage to write one letter. Thankfully, Justice also had something to say about this episode and contributed another.

But who wrote which one?? Only time... and I guess us will tell.

Bonus: Ponies Jamming Up Over a Feud Puts Me in a Jam

Dear Rarity,

I write to you in the hopes that you can intervene in a situation that you have unwittingly caused. A situation that you have already attempted to solve, but supposedly one which continues without your knowledge. Now, I’m not holding you personally responsible or anything, you merely introduced the two accountable ponies. I would advise against introducing a friend to another friend just so they can both annoy each other and you can make a point to one friend in the future, however.

Why, what did Strawberry Sunshine ever do to make you treat her so disrespectfully? If you'd introduce the pair in friendship, then the apple pony who you introduced to her would probably be sipping strawberry lemonade with Strawberry Surprise this very day. And if by chance an honest pony like Applejack should make enemies, then they would become her enemies.

I had thought my previous letter to Applejack would have silenced the animosity between the two, but it seems it’s merely moved the quelling outside of my immediate purview. Letters from Granny Smith and the odd damage report from Mayor Mare’s office are now how I am keeping track of this dispute.

Apparently, AppleJackedUpASimpleRequest dealt with all the apples being thrown at Strawberry’s house with a simple letter that read, "Sorry you don’t like having much better fruits around than those lumpy, ugly triangles. I guess you won’t have to worry about that anymore."

Strawberry, apparently no mare to trifle with, allegedly responded by finding and filling Granny Smith's favorite horse mask with strawberry jam and sticking it in Applejack's bed while she slept.

And before you ask, the story behind Granny Smith's horse mask is a long one, but it's worth mentioning that the mask is VERY dear to her and she was quite upset

After Applejack was done screaming, she found a note that said, ‘Jelly much? Hopefully this will sweeten your rotten to the core day’.

So now the Mayor is sending me random reports of ponies having their strawberry crates ‘accidentally’ smashed by heavy carts full of apples or their apple bushels ‘all jammed up’ with actual jam. I’m guessing you can imagine what fruit is used for said jam.

Perhaps your busy life as a fashionista has kept you from noticing the Organized Underground Produce War going on in your own town, which is not something I expected to say ever in my relatively long life. A produce fight club fought with actual produce, sure, but a full-scale war fought in the shadows? Fugetaboutit.

Why, it’s gone so far that even some of the ponies caught in the cross-fire have even been offered ‘protection’ from these crimes if only they’d by a few apples or strawberries!

No, wait, sorry… That’s an advert for the Ponyville’s farmers market mixed in with my notes. Apparently both the Apples and Strawberry Surprise are offering pectin for long term jam 'protection'. Now if only they’d both stick to the friendly business rivalry instead of the dark, insidious crime-ridden rivalry they’re having quietly.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, Rarity, but these actions bring an even colder chill to my once radiant heart that typically burns like the sun.

To be forthright, I'm not happy. Not with you and not with AppleHandsomeJack, but this is once again a case of one of your ill-thought out plans getting away from you. It’s my sincere hope that you can broker peace between your two friends who you introduced and on the souls of their family members, they will not break the peace you make.

I’m sure it’ll be difficult to make peace given how dire this feud has gotten, so I’m going to make the pair an offer they can’t refuse. While the lack of direct evidence on my part prevents me from intervening directly without overstepping many laws I myself have put into place, please tell them that a certain royal pony is seriously considering placing an embargo on apple and strawberry-related goods coming out of Ponyville should this unfortunate matter continue to grace her desk, indirectly or otherwise.

It’s nothing personal. It’s just business.

From the Desk of the Dawning Don of Diplomacy,

Princess Celestia

Author's Note

Justice has once again graced my story with his presence. Frankly, I'm beginning to wonder if I should just open this story up to guest Letters??

Hrmm... I'll throw it on a back-burner. For now, enjoy the read, folks!

The Real Royal Problem is Not in This Castle

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

Let me get one thing straight right off the bat. The unicorn that broke time somehow can’t fix a spell with an arbitrary 24-hour time limit? Preposterous! I’m sure even Luna and I could have figured out a way to fix the spell were it not for the fact that we were busy running a tight schedule and either needed a speedy solution, or we spend the time doing the other’s work.

Since you were quick on the draw on the not-so-speedy solution for a problem I suspect you could have fixed in less than ten minutes (your progress in magic and friendship seems to suggest you have a knack for efficiency), I’d call you phenomenally lazy in that regard. And also forward, since you forgot to ask before you cast the spell.

Consent, Starlight Glimmer. You really need to learn that word going forward, because you have a serious problem with that.

Now, was it the right call in the end? Yes, though that’s no excuse for your terrible execution of it. But I will admit that getting a taste of what my sister deals with every night isn’t easy. She monitors the entirety of Equestria, and I only handled two nightmares that took up the whole evening! Luna had a great laugh at my inefficiency, though I had my laugh after reading the afternoon paper.

We probably still have issues to work out in that department, though I wish to discuss one particular image of your nightmare: Daybreaker.

Starlight, what in your mind makes you think I would turn into a snarky, holier-than-thou witch of a pony that talks down to others like she knows everything? When would I ever mimic such a ludicrous vision like that? Although I would look like this to anypony that viewed me through a jaded lens, I’m better than that. So are you.

Keep growing, Starlight. And for the love of the gods, ASK before you do anything rash like a loose-cannon friendship policemare.

Regards,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Seriously, Daybreaker is the name you came up with?? I mean sure, it’s your dream and all, but it wouldn’t kill you come up with a name that’s a little less like what an adolescent would think is dark, cool and edgy.

~~~

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Remember when we had that conversation back when you were busy imagining all sorts of worst-case scenarios happening to Starlight Glimmer? Remember how I told you that if you still had that kind of worry, maybe consider some letter correspondence for progress reports?

Today, instead of you trying to reach out to Glimmer through a normal means of communication, you went off and cast a Big Brother spell. At first I thought it odd how unusually hyperactive you were as soon as our little tiff got closure, but upon helping with cleaning the guest room, I noticed a very peculiar ballet dancer music box thrown in a drawer like an annoying alarm clock.

Then it hit me. You couldn’t even let her solve a problem alone without barely an hour of supervision from you, even on a problem related to Luna and myself. We’re supposedly ponies that are so good at being a perfect image in your mind, you forgot how many flubs and slip-ups we’ve made over the course of our rule and still continue to make today, Twilight. The sooner you rid yourself of this silly fantasy of yours, the sooner you'll get over the disillusion.

Meanwhile, Starlight Glimmer had a very rough start, but there is no doubt she put us back on the right track to avoid disaster. She did not need you to add your two bits to the situation and heighten her fears to where they had me fighting some wacky, tacky version of myself last night. I did not need to deal with that nonsense at all, and I’d bet one of my fifteen crowns I wouldn’t have if you hadn’t stuck your nose in business that wasn’t yours to deal with in the first place.

In conclusion, have some faith your recently-graduated student isn’t going to destroy everything she touches and leave her alone. As far as I can tell, she’s plenty capable of doing what she can to resolve problems without your help, and barring that she’s absolutely capable of steering ponies toward the path of resolution and reconciliation. If you really need to look for an example of that, guess who’s available to volunteer their personal experience.

Hoping You Don’t Stalk Your Student Beyond Today,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. Something on your mind?

Yes, I’ve been thinking about that nightmare too. It’s quite difficult to remove the image of facing ourselves like that, especially given our unique situation.

I’m not too worried though. They’re still quite pure. Sometimes spastic and typically a much less horrifying nightmare, but pure nonetheless.

Sister, you of all ponies should know I’m prepared for the worst. But I have a good feeling that with them, the worst will never come.

...Say, did we have a fourth mountain? Right there, the one that’s...moving right in front of the castle.

No, you’re not going crazy. That’s a lot of dishes, Luna.

SUNNY, for five minutes I’m pretending you’re NOT on the summit of dish mountain. I am pretending that all of these Dishets you found are lingering figments of my sleep-deprived imagination!

Luna, pinching will not help me right n—OW!

Sometimes You're Not Looking For Trouble...

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Congratulations on your newly-appointed position of Friendship Ambassador. Please do not use this status to spread your Pinkism cult—that’s already spreading fast enough as is without you abusing a position of international goodwill.

Now, I hate getting down to business like this, but once Twilight informed me of your new status, I had her request that you fill out a report on your actions and observations while on this diplomatic mission. There’s nothing I love more than having a paper trail to figure out who did what wrong during the visit, and how to further improve relations as a result of such a report.

To that end, I respect your honesty in noting the circumstances surrounding your visit, and it’s quite clear Rutherford had a clod up his ass. He dragged his entire village along with his shoddy attempts to make their situation work while his fellow yaks and their children continued to freeze. It’s one thing to let stubborn adults like him sink into quicksand—it’s another when they drag others down with them.

I’m not exactly sure why you tried to help them make it work, however. Crafting snow-based foodstuffs like sandwiches and cakes that would be more edible on a summer beachside resort as opposed to the frosty mountains you were in? Humoring the soft and ultimately silent tone of snow music without even listening to an Ice-themed rap album?? Those are solutions that anypony would find absurd, like they’re trying too hard to make do with what’s available. I’m shocked you didn’t catch those immediately.

Regardless, you did take action at a reasonable time—you should’ve done it sooner at the frozen foods moment, but that’s my stance on it—and your solution, in all likelihood, was the best possible way you could have handled this delicate situation. Could it have gone worse? Oh, absolutely. There was certainly a chance Prince Rutherford would have rejected your aid considering you went behind his back and against his wishes to help his people. You were even fortunate that your act of kindness just so happened to coincide with how he only takes help given to him without asking.

However, it would behoove you to know that this particular solution you chose will only work with the Yaks, and nopony else. I don’t want to see you going behind the backs of other, more normal leaders to help their people—that puts our friendship at risk far more than the Yaks on account of most of the leaders actually liking to give permission and actually asking for help when they’re in over their heads.

Unless for some reason they’re delusional, resistant to change and in complete denial of their situation. However, I’d like to think that unlike Rutherford, our other leaders have a little more wit than insisting on eating frozen spaghetti.

Yet for all that’s said and done, Yakyakistan relationships are still in good standing. I thank you for not burning this bridge.

Hoping your future visit to Griffonstone one day doesn’t end up dealing with birdbrains,

Princess Celestia

P.S. It wouldn’t kill you to be a bit more assertive in your ambassador duties, for future reference. Maybe ask Fluttershy on how to go about that proper instead of burying your head in a snow bed and eating snow cakes and basically guaranteeing you’re suffering an extended brain freeze.

Yes, I’m really recommending you go to Fluttershy for good assertiveness training. She really knows how to put her hoof down these days in a way that’s not pushing a cult agenda.

...Yet Trouble is Asking For You

Dear Prince Rough Turd,

My apologies, my quill is still having trouble parsing your name correctly. However, a few troubling concerns have arisen after a certain pink friendship ambassador returned home with a report on the status of your leadership.

To put it bluntly and in thy native speech, Yak Prince blow it big time.

I’m guessing the avalanche did more than enough harm to a fragile mind like yours to the point where coming up with a decent solution to your problem seemed impossible. And that’s okay, Roughed-up Nerd! It’s fine to admit you had no idea on how to handle a situation that hasn’t happened before instead of attempting to save face in one of the dumbest ways possible—admitting it happens every...what’s the name? Yick Sherbert fest?? That just makes it sound like a chronic problem you didn’t have a good answer to fixing yet.

But I’ll entertain this “fact” of yours for a moment. Let’s say that this happens annually (or quarterly, monthly, however often you do this). Obviously since this happens every time you host these festivities, you have a tried-and-true method for clearing snow, or a thought-out plan that involves easy access to snow-clearing tools of some kind, like a snow plow or snow shovels. Maybe they are kept in a tool hut where yaks keep tools, and if by chance you also kept that in the snowed-over village, perhaps that should have been the first spot to uncover the roof and gain access to.

Of course, that’s giving you an immensely generous benefit of the doubt that you aren’t lying your frozen ass off instead of swallowing your pride and admitting mistakes were made.

Pride cometh before the snowfall, Prince Rubber Fur, and you should know when to let it go before your people start to pay for your stubborn spirit.

Henceforth, it would really help you and your fellow Yaks the sooner you grow a fresh pair of nuts since your current pair seems to have died a bitter death from frostbite. Grow a pair that doesn’t suggest sleeping on a snow sheet, listening to shushed slush tunes, and consuming enough snow in two days to load up a summer snow cone stand for… also two days, but in a far more appropriate setting with sweltering heat instead of sub-zero cold.

I want to believe you won’t suffer an icy death in the event this happens again and there isn’t a friendship ambassador within the immediate vicinity to bail your ass out as you make do with igloos and icicle pops. To that end, I heartily encourage you to call upon us if you need any assistance. I’d rather you take a hit to your lone wolf, arrogant, “put yourself inside an ice hole you somehow survived in for a whole winter with no air because the ice hole froze over but you could still wave to your family and friends that somehow couldn’t help you because Ruthy no like logic GRRRRRRR!” (Pinkie’s description, not mine) sense of pride than to die senselessly and be remembered as an icehole whose name will live on in infamy through many, many rancid ice puns.

Although that would be a fun thing to put in a history book, would it not?

Ice writing to you again,

Princess Chillestia

Luna, have you seen Granny’s dentures? She lost them and thinks she left them here last night.

Have you checked your bathroom? See if there’s a cup filled with blue or green fluid; she said she’s sure she cleaned them! I’m checking my bathroom right now.

The cup’s empty? Well, I’ll let her know they’re not… here...

...Sunny, what do you have in your mouth? Sunny, are those—SUNNY, get those out of your mouth right now!

You do not need those for your alien cosplay next Nightmare Night! This is horrifying enough as is!

Singing Tea Bags Have a Certain Discordant Harmony to Them

Dear Discord,

I thank you for the surprise package of singing teabags. At first I was confused because you don’t normally send tea to me—your gag gifts are usually less charming and more along the lines of lion-headed Dandelions and the ever-so-eloquently named Tiger Lilies. It’s reasons like this that your note of “Try One, then send it along” had me apprehensive to this latest offering of yours.

Then this one tea bag I picked started singing “Hello, My Teatime Gal” with blowout vocals. It was, without question, the best thing you’ve given me since a bouquet that wasn’t based on kitty wordplay.

I’ve sent this box of tea on to wherever else this worldly package had to travel, but since then this teabag started to give me problems. Teabagging tea bag singing ragtime problems.

Do you know what the worst part is? Nopony believes me that this thing is teabagging! “Sister, it’s just bobbing up and down in the air like any other enchanted tea bag.” “Auntie, that’s a female! It’s twerking, not teabagging.” “Wait a minute, Bigger Big Sis! Tea bags can sing?! Oh my gosh, I’ve gotta try that!”

...I will regret showing Sunny your abominable tea bag later. For now, I’m considering sending this tea bag back. It started off strongly in my favor, but now it’s done nothing but leave a bad taste in my mouth despite its majestic vocal chords. This is all before I’ve started brewing it, and I’m not sure I want to know how it tastes now.

Well, more than likely I will, but if this thing starts screaming bloody murder in my tea kettle, you can bet this is the kind of tea that’s only worth a sip, and not one more.

Here’s to hoping the worst thing that’s going to happen to me today is this tea bag of your nefarious design and I don’t receive any further foodstuffs from you. I’ve already got enough demented concoctions to eat courtesy of myself and my sister, not to mention our doppelgangers’ increasingly alarming contributions.

I’m not opposed to receiving more ‘fun’due from you, however. Dinner and a show never gets old.

Forwarding your singing tea to pester somepony else,

Princess Celestia

Sunny? What’s in that bag, and why is it thrashing?

Y-You made tea. I’m scared to ask, but what kind is it?

Oh, spearmint! I love a good minty tea, but I wouldn’t think they’d be so agitated—

Sunny. Did you arm those things with toothpicks?

I don’t care if they asked politely! You don’t give tiny spears to spearmint!

Talking About the Perfect Pear Can Appearantly be Too Much to Bear

Dear Granny Smith,

I’m surprised you’re still alive.

No, seriously. From the numerous unkind words you’ve spoken about Grand Pear I’ve heard over the years, I pegged his return to Ponyville as the day you’d suffer a stroke.

Then again, I thought you’d burst a blood vessel when Mayor assisted in conducting a secret wedding ceremony on the Borderline of Forbidden Fruit. However, if I had any indication that made me believe you had moved on from this, it’s you becoming best friends with the wedding officiant. It takes a hefty amount of restraint to accomplish that, I expect.

Furthermore, not holding onto a petty fruit-fueled feud with your old rival reveals you’ve gathered a fully-loaded bushel of maturity over the years. It’s the sort of thing your granddaughter should have in spades, but Mayor’s last damage report states she’s selecting a spade to dig a strawberry grave.

Ah, the tribulations of easily angered youth. Say, do you reckon those two will have children one day? I’m curious in knowing what a Strappear looks like.

Also, I just want to let you know that I’m always here if you feel the need to cry on somepony’s shoulder. This letter of yours definitely seems charged with tumultuous emotions the likes of which I’ve never seen come from you, and the most I could gather was something significant about a double helix tree on the outskirts of the orchard. I’ll take your word for it on its significance, though I’d be lying if I didn’t want some elaboration beyond the scope of your writing. This is important to you, and I wish to treat it with the same level of importance.

I’ll be looking forward to our next meeting, Granny. I suspect it’s going to be a long one, especially since you’re offering to take out one of your century cider casks on our next outing.

The very least I can do is match that with something from my private reserve. I won’t say what it is, but I imagine the smell alone will send you on a nostalgia trip.

Looking forward to seeing you soon.

Friends Forever,

Celly

You Can't Make Movie Magic Without Cracking a Few Critics

Dear Canter Zoom,

‘Sup. It’s been awhile since we last spoke, hasn’t it? In fact, it’s been a few months since your niece got in trouble for swapping educational film reels for cute animal montages and was subsequently banned from the AV club for trying to kill everyone with concentrated cuteness.

Well, perhaps not that extreme, but three cute-induced heart attacks on school records is three too many. Four if I count a certain athlete that refused to admit she suffered one as it’s “totally uncool” of her to do so.

Anyway, I’m sure you’re wondering what kind of ulterior motive I have for contacting you out of the blue like this. To put it simply, there is none at all! ...Maybe a teensy tiny favor, but I’ll get to that later. First, I’d just like to let you know that your choice of setting for Saturday the 14th, Part XI: Coming Home for Homecoming almost got destroyed in real life by a crazed camp counselor.

Almost, because a handful of my students saved the day, possibly the world, and of course the campsite. Heck, they’re even in the midst of rebuilding, funding and refurbishing the grounds to make up for the damages caused in the chaos.

Now I’m not just bringing this up since I know you’ve got so much love and joy invested in that site for your beloved slasher films. I know how much care those girls are putting into your sequel fishing grounds, but I imagine they’re quite unknown to you at this time. Heck, the story of the camp being saved has only graced headlines in the city of Canterlot this week!

Getting to the point, the girls are pulling out the stops to save your thrilling, terrifying, hockey pants-wearing butcher of beauties. I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking these girls could use a day off somewhere I’m sure they’d love to visit, and there’s no place better that I can think of than your studio. I’m not saying you’re obligated to give them a tour or anything, but as your fellow Camp Everfree graduate that’s asking you for a little favor, I do implore you to consider giving these savior students the equivalent of my school’s hall pass.

You’re shooting a Daring Do film now, right? The girls would love being around that set. If you feel like being generous for a day, do let me know and I’ll help make the proper arrangements.

My Best Regards,

Principal Celestia

P.S. One of the girls is a not-a-heart-attack-victim, and she’s also a huge fan of Daring Do.

No, really, she’ll probably bother you for tickets to visit Yearling one day if you even give her a moment alone with your cellphone. If you don’t have it password-protected by now, you better change your mind about that.

The Price of Fame is Often Misfortune. Just Ask Your Local Paparazzi.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I’ve got a copy of your friendship journal sitting on my desk bound in plastic, and more or less ready for a respectable level of preservation within my castle. I never planned on opening this book, if only because I’m already intimately aware of its contents and intend to preserve it for history, not as some for-profit resale piece.

Besides, I already offered my own personal criticisms on the contents of this book and all of your other writings within the privacy of our personal correspondence… with one small exception that’s ultimately not important right now. What IS important is all of the ramifications and consequences of publishing the journal to a wider audience, which I have no doubt you and your friends are experiencing right now in Ponyville. They’ve spread to many of the other major cities and towns by now, but here in Canterlot the nobles are having such a field day verbally thrashing this book like it’s a pauper begging for their money.

On one side, it’s fairly disrespectful and wholly missing the point of the journal. But on the other, they have no obligation to learn that point in any way and are free to choose how they interpret the value of your journal, which in this case is nothing but aimless mocking and belittling like it’s some pauper that stumbled on their doorstep asking for money. In other words, typical noble pricks in peak condition.

However, it’s equally as important to never conflate valid criticism with that and treat all criticism as just being hateful and nonproductive. I get that being swamped with so much negativity can give that impression, but that doesn’t change the fact that if you hear a critique that is or has been true of you before and you have the self-reflective capability to recognize that as a flaw, then perhaps that criticism is worth taking into consideration for the future if you have not yet done so already.

It is worth correcting others on flaws you’ve already fixed, however. There are few things more annoying than hearing somepony hammer you for something you’ve done in your past that you’ve moved on from, and I get the feeling Fluttershy is acutely aware of this.

Actually, in more recent terms, I’m pretty sure Starlight Glimmer is aware too. I hope she’s helping you with this right now in lieu of Spike. I do appreciate you sending him over on such short notice for helping my sister and I with our annual sorting of the archives, and I intend to send him back as soon as possible so that he can help with what must be the mother of all damage control.

Wishing you luck with that massive angry mob that’s definitely outside your castle right now (seriously, this is why you should invest in at least a few royal guards to disperse the riffraff),

Princess Celestia

P.S. Spike wants to know exactly how much ice cream Rarity wants to drown herself in. Would you please get an estimate on how many gallon buckets she wants?

Sunny, you got a copy of the book? My goodness! I didn’t think you’d try to learn about friendship like… what do you mean you don’t plan on reading it?

Look, just because you overheard me saying I wouldn’t open mine doesn’t mean there’s nothing of value in it at all. That’s not at all how you should take this—

More. You bought more. Okay, why? Just why did you get fifty or so copies of this book?!

Book Jenga. Book… Jenga. Haaaaaaaaaaannnngh… You know what? I think I will open up my book.

No, it’s so I can bury my head in it.

Triple Threat? No Thanks, Just One is Enough

Dear Spike,

When I met with Twilight some time ago, she approached me with a hoofful of ludicrous worst case scenarios as a result of her former student leaving her castle to go off and help with friendship. Bluntly put, they were about as sensible as hay fever dreams, but at least she came to me to discuss them as opposed to acting on these awful ideas she had conjured in her mind. You, however, have helpfully answered the “what if I tried to prevent that?” question with the only answer it provides: making a complete arse of yourself for no good reason.

Why Twilight decided to let you follow through with your keepaway plan (and even openly participate in it) based off of one such ridiculous imaginary event after our discussion on this exact topic escapes all notions of logic and reason to me. Frankly I’m bothered that Starlight was roped into this as well, but at least she has the excuse of being a friendship “graduate” greenhorn.

Yet they likely wouldn't have gotten involved were it not for your paranoia leading to a situation that can only be described as “making a friendship problem when there wasn’t one to begin with.” The last time that happened, I had to leave my castle. I’m happy it didn’t come to that, but to say this entire ordeal left me baffled, flummoxed, and outright confused likely paled in comparison to how Thorax and Ember felt about your plan.

However, the Mayor’s report noted there was a reconciliation. I certainly hoped so, otherwise this theoretical war would have had a dumber reason to start than the current Strappleberry War—gods, that name will never sound right no matter how many times I say it.

Anyway, I think you learned something important here today, because what you’ve learned is the one thing I’ve hammered into so many skulls by now I really should have a “Don’t jump to conclusions” stamp commissioned for my personal use. At this point, that stamp would quite literally help me save my breath.

Speaking of which, I do need to breathe. All this shouting has left me light-headed. Okay, where was I?

Right. This. Carry on, Spike. However, if you happen to find yourself on the precipice of making a phenomenally dumb decision again, at least look before you leap. Or if you can’t look, then think twice before jumping. And for the love of all that is good in the world, buy a planner in a notebook format so you quit dragging around a scroll that’s the length of a town street.

That last part is not from me. That’s the mayor’s suggestion after she identified it as a tripping hazard. Personally. By tripping over it.

Wishing You’d Stop Tripping Up Others With Your Nonsense,

Princess Celestia

Oh, Luna. I’m fine. Not really, but I’m just… done with today. How about you—why is a chunk of your mane missing?

So, a hungry blue dragon ate your hair after noticing it was sparkly, therefore it looked tasty. Well, it… kind of makes sense? I mean, I know it isn’t crystal, but dragon logic is inherently dense. You know that!

Also, her name is Ember. Please do not commit this name to memory strictly for her hair-grazing crimes.

Yes, I’ll see that Ember apologizes in a letter proper for her munchie attack. In the meantime, maybe try a shorter look until it grows back? Not a secretary-style look, though. I mean it!

Too Many Questions Spoil Campfire Tales

“Oh my gosh! Little sis, this was the best idea you’ve ever, ever had… ever!” Sunny praised, skipping and pronking next to Moony’s notably more-restrained trot as they made their way to the castle library.

“Curb thy enthusiasm, Sunny.” Moony opened the set of double doors with a midnight blue aura, ushering Sunny inside before following right behind her. “Surprising our elder sisters with campfire stories of our own isn’t some groundbreaking plan worthy of a mastermind’s ambition,” she corrected.

Sunny stopped bouncing, and turned her head toward Moony with a sheepish grin on her face. “Uh… can I get a smartie-to-dummy translation?”

Moony closed her eyes and scrunched her nose. “I’m being clever, not a genius.”

“Ooooh,” Sunny replied as if that answered the question to the meaning of life. “Well I know us, and we’re not genies, so that makes a lot of sense!”

Moony’s eyes shot open in sheer bewilderment before forcing a smile and words through gritted teeth. “...I’m happy that made any sense to you the way that you parsed it.”

“So am I! I think!” Sunny took a seat at the center table of the library as Moony disappeared into the rows of bookshelves. “Anyway, when are we getting to these stories?”

“Legends, Sunny.” A deep breath echoed in the room slightly before Moony continued, “And if we’re going to impress them, we need to pick legends they might not have heard of before.”

“Ah, I see! So what did you find?”

“Hang on, I hid the book so our big sisters wouldn’t find it!”

Sunny patiently waited at the table, her ears flicking about as they picked up Moony’s movements. Books shuffling on shelves. Poofs and soft tones of casting magic. An occasional grunt of frustration.

“Do you need help, little sis?!” Sunny shouted.

The tumbling of ten… no, maybe thirty or twenty books hitting the floor was soon followed by a quick reassurance. “No thanks, I’m fine!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah! In fact, I just found it!”

“Oh, okay! I’ll wait then!”

Sunny kept to her word, again listening intently for Moony’s movements to come closer. Yet only distant grunting came and went with some more books tumbling to the floor before a brief period of silence passed.

“...Sis?”

“Yeah?”

“I need help.”

~~~

“Luna! Thanks for coming on such short notice,” Celestia greeted, lounging on a small cushion in the center of a small study she’d set aside when she needed a few precious moments of silence. Next to her sat a table and another cushion, with a thick book on Celestia’s side of the table.

“It’s no trouble at all, sister,” Luna replied as she stepped inside. “I only had to rudely cancel a meeting with the nobles on the status of their dreams being ’wholly unsatisfactory’ because I was two minutes late on their dream schedule last week.”

“Did you flip them a double hoof on the way out of the debate room?” Celestia asked, ushering her sister closer to the table.

Luna smirked. “Just as the door was closing. If anypony saw it, I can play it off as a trick their eyes played.”

“Hah! Good job, sis!”

Luna took a seat on her cushion, across the table from her sister. “Anyway, what was it you needed me for?”

Celestia nodded, and gestured to the book on the table. “You remember the camping trip that’s coming up soon, yes?”

Luna scoffed. “It’s been the only tangible thing on my mind for months, sister.”

“Of course. Now, my question is this: how well do you know your legends and fables?” In a golden glow, Celestia held up the book for Luna to read the title: The Legendary Tome of Legendary Legends, First Edition.

Luna brought a forehoof to her chin for a moment. “Hmmm… I’d say I’m not too knowledgeable there, though a few favorites come to mind.”

Celestia smiled warmly as she opened the book. “Then I hope you wouldn’t mind if I ran a few of these legends by you? I’d prefer to be reasonably rehearsed for Sunny and Moony, and it sounds like you could use a refresher.”

“Sister, I will happily hear these tales over a torrent of complaints from ponies that feel the need to schedule in their sleep,” Luna flatly admitted.

Celestia tittered at the dry remark, then promptly cleared her throat. “Then how about we start with the Legend of Rockhoof?”

~~~

“Silly Moony, you should have told me you were moving big books around! I use those for book fort foundations all the time, and they’re super duper heavy!” Sunny escorted a disheveled Moony back to the center table, holding the book Moony sought in her golden grasp.

Moony averted her gaze away from Sunny, but kept her balance against her body. “I’ll keep that in mind next time. And...thanks, Sunny.”

“No biggie, little sissy!”

“Please don’t call me that.”

“Call you what?”

“...Never mind.” Moony pushed herself away once they reached the table, and worked her way around until she sat in a chair opposite Sunny.

Sunny merely shrugged, and took her seat. She turned the book around to glance at the title.

“The Legendary Tome of Legendary Legends, Second Edition?” She squinted her eyes to read some smaller print on the cover. “Now with one more legend and in a slightly different order from the first edition… and a shiny new cover!”

Moony blinked. That’s… transparently lazy! How did they get away with that?!

Sunny’s eyes sparkled with delight. “Cool, a new legend! And an awesome cover!”

Moony sighed, having found the obtuse answer.

Sunny opened the book, skimming through the legends until she stopped about a third of the way in the book. “Ooh, what about this one? I like the title!” She turned the book toward Moony, and she in turn took it out of Sunny’s gold glow into her deep blue hold.

“The Legend of Rockhoof? Huh, I suppose this is worth a read to get us started.”

“Question!” Sunny announced with a raised hoof.

“...Yes, Sunny?”

“Does he have a hoof made of rock?”

“Let me check…” After a moment of skimming through the legend, Moony shook her head. “Nope.”

Sunny dropped her hoof, but a moment later it shot right back up. “Does he rock with his hooves?”

“No.”

Down… then up again! “Does he chuck rocks with his hooves?”

“No!”

Down it went, and down it stayed, long enough for Moony to open her mouth to begin reading the legend from the star—

“...Does he rock a stone guitar?”

“Still no! Let me read it already!”

~~~

“...and that’s the Legend of Rockhoof,” Celestia finished, looking at Luna who wore a quizzical expression. “What do you think?”

"Wait, so they've been living on that island for a while, right?" Luna asked.

"Yes, why?"

"How did they get to that island in the first place?"

Celestia pursed her lip in thought. "By boat, probably."

Luna raised an eyebrow, her skeptical eyebrow. "Okay. So when their island starts erupting, why don't they take the boat out of there?"

"Because it's their home? They’ve been living there for generations!” Celestia recalled from the tale.

“Sister, they have a boat, an actual life-preserving boat, and they’re not using it! Their so-called protectors are using it, but the villagers are staying! How would you explain this ridiculous behavior?”

The legend’s explanation failing her, Celestia quickly thought of a perfectly irrational reason. "Blind stubbornness.”

"...Wow.” was all Luna could say.

“What? It works!”

"Yes, but it’s also dumb. Outstandingly, incredibly dumb,” Luna pointed out.

Celestia threw her hooves in the air, the book dropping on the table with a dull thud. "Okay, well when you tell your story, maybe you'll have one of those villagers be smart and leave or something!"

"You know what? I will!”

“FINE!”

“DOUBLE FINE!”

Both sisters had their eyes deadlocked in yet another royal stalemate. A few seconds passed before the stalemate ended, and the girls sat back down on their dainty royal cushions.

The argument deflating, Luna then asked, “...Also, can I have a giant crab in my story?"

Now it was Celestia’s turn to raise her skeptical eyebrow. "Sure, but I don't see why a giant crab has to be—"

"I will have my giant crab!” Luna abruptly shouted with glee! “And he's gonna SING! About himself!"

Celestia snatched the book up again before Luna could fire off more wild ideas. "That’s it. Next story!"

~~~

“Oh my gosh, this story is so dumb!” Sunny exclaimed, her head buried in her hooves.

Moony nodded in agreement. “I know, right? They’re just staying behind on the island when they have a perfectly good boa—”

“Why doesn’t Rockhoof just grab a huge boulder with his herculean strength and clog up the volcano with it?!”

Correction: apparent agreement, soon replaced with squinty-eyed confusion. “...What?”

“The guy is so strong he can dig a lava trench by himself, so why not plug up the source so it stops flowing with a huge rock?!” Sunny kind-of repeated.

Instead of immediately replying with a second "What?", Moony let the gears twist and turn in her head for a minute, trying to sort out why this question is a thing being asked. Then, something clicked.

“...You really want him to live up to his name in some way, don't you?”

“Any other option is a huge disappointment!” Sunny confirmed.

“Fine, I get it. You want him to solve his problem with a rock. I’ll keep that in mind for later, okay?”

Sunny eagerly nodded, and at that Moony flipped through more legends in the legendary book until one caught her eye. “Oh, now this looks interesting. It’s the Legend of Mistmane!”

“Ooh, does that mean—”

“Her mane is not made of mist!” Moony quickly added.

“Aw…”

“...Though it flows like a river, and she does summon a magical water dragon.”

Sunny shrugged. “Close enough! At least she’s trying!”

~~~

“What about the Legend of Mistmane sounds so familiar?” Celestia asked, noting her sister’s not as quizzical, but still in deep thought face.

“It sounds like a much shorter and cleaner version of what we’ve gone through.”

Celestia tilted her head slightly. “Is that a bad thing?”

Luna shook her head. “No, but it makes me wish our conflict was neatly resolved in less than a day, with far less collateral damage.”

Celestia chuckled. “Me too, Luna. But what’s done is done, and I think this legend has something for parents of unicorn prodigies to learn.”

“And what is that?” Luna asked with a hint of curiosity.

“Please stop sending gifted magical ponies to unicorn school if it separates a close friendship, or else the one left behind will lose their mind!” Celestia answered with an accusing forehoof pointing at nopony in particular.

Luna stared blankly at Celestia. “...Sister, that is an extremely specific lesson to learn from this.”

Celestia’s forehooves went skyward once more. “And yet it is no less true!”

~~~

“So she gave up her beauty, and she gets a cool flower trail behind her?”

Moony pushed her nose against her face. “I guess? Why is that so fascinating?”

“I thought only white dogs did that!” Sunny answered with no hint of it sounding like a joke.

“...In what world would a dog leave a flower trail behind it?!” Moony’s face-hugging hoof slammed on the table.

Sunny ignored the outburst and turned her head, choosing to stare off into space. “A beautiful one.”

Moony grasped her temples with both hooves. “Gah! You’ve completely missed the point of this story!”

Sunny snapped her attention back to Moony. “No, sister! What I’m missing out on is how to make my own flower trail!” Suddenly, a spark of imagination flashed in her eyes. “Ooh, what if it doesn’t have to be flowers?! It could be—” Sunny began counting on her hoof “—sandwiches, doughnuts, doughnut sandwiches! OR it could be a single, double, maybe even triple-layer silky moon pies…”

“Sis?” Moony asked as Sunny once again became enamored with her fantastical thoughts. “Sis! Sunny, you’re drooling.”

The words fell deaf on Sunny’s ears. “Spriiinkles… all the sprinkles…”

Moony rolled her eyes and returned to the Legendary Tome. “Welp, she’s a lost cause. Maybe I can drown out my sorrows in something actiony…”

~~~

As soon as Celestia finished the legend of Flash Magnus, Luna asked, “Tia, whatever happened to the Royal Legion?”

“About half of them wanted to be flashy showboats, and the other half wanted to stick to solid guard duty.” The indifferent tone of the statement remained as Celestia continued, “The unit divided itself after failing to resolve such ‘irreconcilable’ differences. It’s never recovered.”

“Hmm… Have you considered trying to rebuild it?”

Celestia pondered with a hoof to her chin. “No, but I very much doubt it could be rebuilt after all this time. Refurbished… maybe.” A small sigh escaped her lips. “It’d take a lot of effort though, and besides the unit loved to incorporate enchanted arms and armor. I don’t even know where that flame-warding shield is anymore, and that was one of the unit’s most prized possessions!”

Luna gasped. “Could it have been stolen? Lost to time? Hanging out in the back of some pony’s pawn shop waiting for some ne’er do well to procure it and use it for evil?!”

“It could be used to surf on grassy hills for all I care! What matters is that the Legion once existed. If there’s any hope of bringing it back, it starts with their forgotten relics.”

Luna’s eyes opened wide just as Celestia finished talking. “Speaking of that, I was wondering…”

“What?”

“Shouldn’t we invest in giving our guards enchanted shields?”

Celestia blinked, then returned the question with a knowing smile. “...I think you might be onto something there. In the meantime, I think these stories should work for our trip.”

“As they are, or with some creative liberty amendments?”

Celestia narrowed her eyes. “Are you going to insist on the singing crab?”

“Until my last breath, sister!” Luna declared.

~~~

“Wow, that flashy guy put two raging dragons on ice with a fire shield and zappy storm clouds?” Sunny inquired with glee.

“Yep, and the dragons ran away in defeat, tails tucked between their legs!” Moony confirmed with enthusiasm that she thought was lost until Sunny showed actual interest in Flash’s daring tale.

“Hooray! So, were the dragons captured later or something?”

“Uh, no, they weren’t.”

“AUDIBLE GASP!” Sunny exclaimed.

The enthusiasm that once danced across Moony’s face ran away like a spooked doe. “...I’m going to regret asking this, but why is that a problem?”

“Because those dragons could have totally been captured and used as intim… er, they could be used as big deter rats!”

Moony smirked. “Sis, they’re not big rats.”

Sunny’s alabaster face turned a few shades of pink as she puffed her cheeks. “Not what I meant! Long words are hard, okay?!”

Moony couldn’t withhold a few giggles at the outburst. “I know what you meant. I’m just teasing. Anyway, do you think these legends are good enough for the camping trip?”

Sunny sighed and took a moment to relax, returning to her normal, somewhat aloof state. “Yeah! Maybe. Um, what were the first two again?”

Instead of answering, Moony just shook her head. “...You know what? You’ll hear them again when we’re actually on the trip.”

“Awesome!”

To Change a Changeling, Start With Their Attitude

Dear King Thorax,

Apologies for making this quick. My camping trip’s being interrupted by a swarm of rainbow-colored beetles. They aren’t Changelings, I should clarify. They’re much smaller, about the size of capers. We call them Skeetles.

I hear your brother’s finally filled the holes in his legs, mind, and heart. Thank goodness, and it only took two unannounced interlopers that catalyzed a bad situation into a worse one for a permanent solution to take effect.

Your lamentation on this situation that’s been simmering for weeks on end had focused not on the content of Pharynx’s words, bluntly correct as they were, but rather on his crude and brutish behavior. In a similarly blunt manner of speaking, it seems to me that he was a dick no one wanted to listen to, and that’s why his words were ignored for as long as they were.

While I believe this problem is initially solved, I suggest that you keep an eye on your brother’s actions and demeanor over the coming weeks to see if his attitude has improved at all. I do not believe that root problem has been addressed yet. However, if Pharynx is beginning to take steps so he’s not abrasive to everyone in your hive, by all means be the encouragement he needs to become an approachable changeling.

Or at least transform him into a changeling others are willing to listen to. Hey, you have to start somewhere.

Talk to You Later,

Celestia

P.S. This Feelings Forum idea you’ve come up with is a wonderful idea, and I wish to appropriate it for my use. All the nobles will love having a room where they can air their grievances.

I’ll call it the Noble Nursery.

SUNNY! Get those Skeetles out of your mouth.

No, they are not free candy! We brought actual, not-bug candy with us to eat.

Well, no, they’re not as colorful as the bugs, but that’s not the point. The point is those bugs aren’t candy!

...Okay, no, I haven’t tried one to be absolutely sure of that, but that doesn’t mea—aaand there she goes trying to eat one.

You know what, Luna? If they really are delicious, I’ll let her find out and tell us about it.

The Mane Thing About Your Collateral Damage is Pretty Hair-Raising

Dear Princess Twilight “Yanked My Mane Off To Fix Your Friend’s Mane” Sparkle,

What in the blazing-red phoenix happened to everypony today?

First, I got reports on a bizarre mane-napping scheme that simultaneously struck all the major towns and cities in Equestria, including mine of course. I reached out to try and get a list of who was affected by this. Crystal Empire, Manehatten, Rainbow Falls, Las Pegasus, Ponyville, the works.

I did not expect a letter of apology from you regarding what has to be one of the most baffling decisions you’ve made since turning your doll into an obsession magnet. Twilight “Seriously, What Was Your Thought Process Behind This Stupid Decision” Sparkle, is there truly no lengths you won’t snip off to try and fashion a hairpiece for Rarity that, for some reason, does not involve the copious amounts of purple hair on your person?

I get that hair magic is a bizarrely complicated matter that boggles the mind despite every other major advancement in spell-casting so far. Time travel and giant butterfly wings we can pin down in a scroll or book, yet the mane school of magic needs a damn master’s degree because there’s so many things about it that we still don’t get. Why does it use equivalent exchange? Why are mustaches free only for November? Why can chaos beings completely ignore such arbitrarily specific rules at will?

Actually, maybe the last question answers itself. For the rest of us, mane magic sits on the pillar right next to theoretical physics in sheer complexity. And you decided to try a get-hair-quick scheme because your friend was behaving like a maneiac that had no confidence in her ability to fix her appearance, despite her being a pony that’s best at improvising when one bad break throws her entire plan out the window. Last I heard, she won a fashion show in Manehatten with that strategy. How long did it take her to realize she could do the same thing here?

Presumably way too long, judging from the disastrous results you conjured on her behalf. For the record, I’m extremely disappointed in your judgment today. Luckily, all affected manes and tails will grow back in due time, including my own. I just have one request for you to pass along to your fashionista friend:

You better be ready to pass out a lot of free hats. I can’t risk this being fixed with more mane magic. Inevitably, there will be hell toupees if we try.

Wishing Both of You Had a Clear Head Before Worrying About the Mane Problem,

Princess Celestia

Sunny, what is it? I’m not in a great mood right now.

New look? Well, I guess I can see it for a moment—

Heh, those aren’t horns all over your head. Those are spikes.

No, not the dragon! Like… like the pointy and sharp bracelet you’re wearing. Those are spikes.

I don’t mean they belong to him. I… never mind. Your horn-filled head looks nice. Really makes me wish I had something to work with.

Oh? What does my head look like?

...Okay, for future notice, never call my head a cue ball ever again.

One Can Learn a Health of Information in Three Days if They Try

Dear Twilight,

Firstly, some congratulations are in order. Your concern for Fluttershy’s well-being was as firm as it could have been short of restraining her or otherwise confining her in the treehouse for bedrest. Granted, she still pressed onward and put herself in a three-day coma despite your intimate knowledge on the subject of over exhaustion that I’m certain you shared with her at some point during the journey. Though even if you didn’t, I doubt she was in much of a mindset to listen to such advice anyway.

Now, while you’ve done what you could in terms of keeping Fluttershy safe from herself, what I can’t help but wonder is what happened during those three days that you and this Cattail fellow completely and utterly failed to acquire any honey. You’ve bested the dreadful bugbear that is Honey Boo Berry; how could a hive of zap-happy bees provide a challenge for you?

Appeasement clearly failed, but you know that wasn’t the only avenue to try, right? What about smoke? What about teleporting the bees or the hive away from the bees, or grabbing the honey with a simple levitation cloud? Why was the kind route the only supposed avenue you’d taken when it turned out the solution was to steal the honey through deception?

That is not the only baffling decision I’m gathering from this report you submitted. The urgency of finding this cure was heavily detailed in here by Fluttershy, yet bizarrely there is very little in the way of urgency coming from your account of events. This disease was, without question, a terminal illness prior to the rediscovery of a long-forgotten cure. I appreciate the levelheadedness you carried to a certain extent, yet it stands in stark contrast to Fluttershy giving everything she had and more as somewhat unfeeling on your part. I know deep down that’s not the case, but I would be lying if your bluntly factual recollection didn’t appear cold in the slightest.

I thought of a few ways to state my advice, but I suppose this is the best way to word it: put in more effort in thinking outside the box. Not necessarily to Fluttershy’s extremes in cross-referencing old tomes and finding an obscure connection leading to a clue to find a national treasure, but enough to not feel like a third wheel on a bicycle. You’re an alicorn; you can afford the acuity to consider more disguises that should have included the wide variety of masks that lined the inner walls of Meadowbrook's home. You could even maybe, maybe try some more aggressive magic to match some shockingly agitated bees.

Wow, that kind of sounds like a Glimmer strategy to solving a problem, doesn’t it? Her gratuitous use of magic to solve problems does have a good application here or there.

Anyway, I need to wrap this up. I woke up this morning with orange dots all over my coat with glued-on leaves and twigs.

No, I don’t think I’m infected, though I’m not fond of becoming a Celestreea… or maybe Treelestia? Whichever has a nicer ring to it.

Sincerely Hoping You Develop a Bit More Empathy,

Princess Celestia

Alright, time to go tell Sunny and Moony that this “fake health scare” prank of theirs has gone too far!

...Why are my legs stuck to the floor? Worse, why can’t I move them?!

Oh no, don’t tell me that bucket that spilled on Luna and me was…

SUPERGLUUUU—

…

~~~

Dear Zecora,

Need shampoo and cleanser. Also moonshine. Long day, very stiff. Want to loosen up two ways.

Please use labels. Do not want to drink shampoo.

Thanks,

Tia

Finding Cutie Marks Through Recreational Fun Seems Like a Good Idea

Dearest Crusaders,

It is worth teaching
Our marks do not define us
As the first lesson,

Or else you will find
A child can spin webs of lies
As well as adults.

Be glad it stopped now
Before a creepy cult formed
With manifesto.

It’s a scary thing
To see ponies swayed by words
Just because they’re loud.

However, fret not.
Their words state, “No fun allowed!”
How long did that last?

Have fun with your camp.
But next time a spoilsport comes
Maybe send them home?

Wishing You Success For Years,

Princess Celestia

P.S.

If you’re wondering
I enjoy writing haikus!
Three lines, big meaning.

Luna, what is wrong?
Are Sunny and Moony okay?
...They painted their flanks?!

Oh, this will not stand.
They shall not shirk their duties
For a hoof paint war!

Come, my dear sister!
If it’s a fight that they want
It’s a fight they’ll get.

Once Upon a Cautionary Tale of Terms of Service

Dear Twilight Velvet,

Look, I get it. You’re living out your energetic grandparent golden years in flamboyant style. Of course, this means you’re willing to take daring risks, throw caution to the wind, trot the path less taken, and even sign you and your family up for a free* cruise across the skies of Equestria at no cost!

I mean, why wouldn’t this sound like a great idea? Sure, it’s spontaneous enough to spring it on two princesses that have their hooves full with a baby, paperwork, and paperwork for crybabies, and maybe it’s a bit jilting it wasn’t offered to the other mother-like figure in Twilight’s life and actual mother-like figure in Cadance’s life. But nah, I’m not upset at all by this turn of events. I’m sure you had everypony’s best interests in mind when you signed on the dotted line.**

Anyway, the next time you’re thinking of a family vacation, it wouldn’t hurt to extend it to extended family too. It’s not like money is a problem here—you’re literally surrounded by royalty up and down the family tree.

Yes, I’m jealous you got to go barreling down a waterfall. Quit giggling, I know you are.

Ahem. Now that your vacation is over, I was thinking about planning one next month. Somewhere with sand and surf and edible turf. I’ve already sent out other invitations to Twilight and Cadance to see if they can make the time.

And best of all, it’s free.*** I have a feeling you’ve already got time on your hooves to kill as is.

Waiting For Your Reply,

Princess Celestia

*: Seriously? There were so many baffling strings attached in this contract I’m surprised you didn’t bother reading this. It had a clause in here that actually allowed other ponies to feed your grandbaby.

**: Or at least the kind of family devotion that blinds you into saying “yes” a little too much for my liking. For lands’ sake Velvet, show some restraint. You don’t want to be a yes mare.

***: No really, I do mean it’s free. You’re buying your own liquor though. I am not hoofing the bill for that, not after the time you drank an entire bar’s worth of liquor at once. Never, never again.

~~~

Dear Iron Will,

What in Equestria happened to you?

Last I checked you were making motivational speeches all over the place to ponies that needed some spine put into their backs, and it was a good thing. Granted, I never approved of the equally assertive form of payment collection for your services, but what you were doing was a great service to Equestria at the time.

But now, this… airship business you’re running because of a drop in interest in assertiveness? A-Are you huffing your own zeppelin’s gas?

For a guy that used to be the pinnacle of assertiveness, you’ve gone soft. When the mere threat of loud, unsatisfied customers that signed an agreement stating there might not be princesses on board when they actually did get their fill of princesses like a bunch of mindless hypocrites leaves you squirming like a frightened kitten, I have to wonder who has the guts to stick to their terms. Is it the crowd of ponies that duped themselves into frustration, or is it the minotaur that puts up a strong gun show only to pop and deflate under pressure?

Where’s the assertiveness gone? The machismo, the Iron Will to weather the unspeakable horror that is an irate consumer has all but completely vanished! Did you leave your balls behind on the airship, or did one take your pair as collateral as you jumped over the railing? Seriously, how mutinous did the situation turn to force you to bail off of your own airship??

Oh, but thank your lucky stars you invested some of your hard-earned bits into a parachute of you being waist-deep in bits! Meanwhile in reality, it’s a disturbing image of how far you’ve fallen, both figuratively and literally as you’re continuing a pitiful descent into the lowly con-artists that once were Flim and Flam. Iron Will, is this really what remains of the ten-pack minotaur that could motivate a crowd with a pinch of charisma and raw testosterone?

Seriously, do you know how many ponies today would lose their minds if an airship botched a landing? You really believe that there’s a shortage of a need for assertiveness, for standing tall in the face of danger, in my little ponies. Who are you meeting, and where can I find them?

Actually, no. I don’t want to go looking for those ponies. I want you to keep making more. That way I’ll eventually see at least one in the next year, and know the world will be a better place for it.

Or you can continue your path and eventually I’ll see you running a nut cart because those are the only nuts you’ll have. I’d rather it not come to that, but if it does, I’m fond of tasty nuts anyway.

Hoping Your Future Turns for the Better,

Princess Celestia

Sunny! You seem… somehow more chipper than usual. Did something happen?

...A big blue man wanted your autograph on a... thousand posters? Wow, that’s pretty shocking! I didn’t think anypony wanted an autograph by me! Er, you, who is kind of me? You-me? You know what I mean.

Wait a minute. Did this man have horns? How many muscles was he packing?

ALL the muscles?! Buck me!

How Silly of a Secret is Disliking Pies?

Dearest Sister,

I need help. Soooo much help.

Can’t sleep, even during the day. Been like this for days, weeks, months?? What day is it? What year is it?!

Should have stayed far away from Pinkie’s dream. Wicked Rainbow Dash. So many pies wasted. Good pies! Bad pies...

Then IT appeared. The pie that never should have been... It exists. It exists. Big, green, malodorous stench unlike any other. The sludge, sewage, ‘filling’ is…

A crime against everything.

It was here. Maybe it still is? I don’t hear the sludge popping. Pop. Pop. What if it can hide? Can it hide?! Tell me, sis! I don’t know anymore!

Want to sleep. Can’t sleep. If I sleep, the pie comes. It hungers, it eats, and I wake up damp.

Help, sister. Please.

Want to close my eyes,

Luna

P.S. Some of your pancakes would really help right now. Don’t care if it’s dinnertime, PANCAKES!

...Please?

~~~

Dear Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash,

I’ve received quite the pile of intriguing reports today, covering a range of fruit, sugar and cream shortages to the largest spike in flour consumption since my thousandth birthday. I wondered what in the blue blazes could cause such a massive use of resources in the course of a few days. Was there a bake-off I wasn’t invited to? Some dark conspiracy to stamp out our nation by cutting off our food supplies? Who could be responsible for digging into the cake fund?!

Then my sister appeared before me, delirious and raving on about mountains of wasted pie, a dark blue wicked pony wantonly destroying them with fiendish laser eyes, and Pinkie Pie in the eye of the pie storm.

What am I supposed to think about all of that? Here’s my answer: I won’t! Instead, I’ll talk about other things, like flour. Yes, flour! Glorious white powder that’s so versatile, its only limit is one’s imagination!

Until we actually run out. Seriously Pinkie, just how many pies did you make?! It’s not even March, and that’s the one month I turn a blind eye to your irrational behavior and ludicrous baking efficiency. The flour shortage is so dire in Equestria that I’m forced to import more from other nations. Do you have any idea how expensive Griffonstone organic stone-ground flour is?! They charge a leg and a wing for it! Maybe that doesn't sound as bad to YOU, but I actually HAVE wings and I’d like to keep them.

Did you have to make that many pies to suss out if Rainbow Dash doesn’t like them? Pinkie, if that’s the problem, the solution is not ‘make more pies.’ Do you see me erecting a forest of thousand-layer cakes around a pony’s home when they don’t like cake? No.

Maybe as a practical joke, but otherwise NO. There’s a limit to how far one should go to find the truth, and that limit is not giving wild creatures sugar overload and causing Soarin to lament the tragic loss of the remaining uneaten pies to me in poetic purple prose pieces. Putting it in my prudent princess perception, please provide less pie.

Speaking of giving creatures sugar overload, I now come to Rainbow Dash. There’s no doubt that your actions are the root cause of absolutely everything that happened all because you lied to everypony for years, especially Pinkie. The amount of questionable decision-making that’s gone into sustaining such a trivial lie is… impressively mind-boggling. Yet that’s the hidden beauty of a lie like this: it’s so pointless, nopony would ever think to question if it’s true.

Even so, it couldn’t last forever. I’m surprised you didn’t have second thoughts when a certain apple pony attempted the same idea and failed. But no, you’re the savvy one. You’re discreet with your plans, a true stealthy ninja that’s only been caught multiple times pursuing trivial desires. Surely your pie lie would be missed in the sea of your more explosive incidents!

That’s not the case anymore, is it? If you still have secrets worth guarding, may I suggest that you change your door lock. I do so every month to keep my little pink demon at bay and it seems to be working. So far, anyway.

In any case, I’m glad you two learned an important lesson about being honest with your friends even if you think it'll hurt their feelings. Yep, I'm happy for you. I’m sure that was worth almost destroying a solid chunk of Equestria's economy for.

That’s okay, though. I’ll manage on no-bake cookie rations until flour isn’t a luxury item anymore. I still have plenty of oats and peanut butter to work with for the time being.

No you can’t have any, Pinkie! I can see your scowl through the balcony doors! Shoo! My cookies! MINE!

Ahem. Don’t make a mess of this magnitude ever again, either of you.

Leave My Cake Ingredients Alone,

Princess Celestia

Hey, who opened the door? Sunny? If that’s you, I’ve told you countless times to not leave the door cracked open for a reason!

Oh, you’re playing ghosts again. Ha ha, very spooky. Sadly, I’m not in the mood. Please shut the door.

No, not knock on the door. Close the door!

SUNNY, I told you I’m not in the mo—

...was that a bag of flour dropped on my head?

I don’t want to be a ghost! I… okay. Let me start over. You’re pretending to be a ghost with flour?

Sunny, you... know you’re white already, right? Well, if you just covered your cutie mark and mane, that would be all you need—WHY am I even helping with this right now?!

Complete coverage is NOT necessary and an even BIGGER waste of precious flour!

...I don’t know whether to be sad or angry. Actually, you know what? I’M SANGRY!

It's Not Uncommon to Bond With Other Friends... So Long as You're Not Ignoring a Friend to Do It

Dear Starlight Glimmer,

It’s come to my attention that Twilight and Sunburst have officially turned into pen pals. I know this because Twilight spent a good three scrolls telling me how excited she was to find another pony that knows Old Ponish. One scroll was actually written in Old Ponish, like her excitement was so immense it couldn’t be contained in just one language.

I sincerely hope this didn’t happen right in front of your face, given that whole incident with you rejecting friendship and dooming the world multiple times over because a certain pony did not write to you even once during that time. That’d be quite a punch in the gut for you, but surely Sunburst would never be that oblivious.

Then again, Twilight also wrote about how he had acquainted himself with your other friends during his stay, so I suppose it IS fair to say that he wasn’t giving you as much attention as you deserved considering you were the one that invited him. However, in fairness to Sunburst, I very much doubt he would be inclined to play just one board game with you for his entire stay in Ponyville.

Look, if you’re going to invite a friend over to stay for over a day, you either come up with other plans to try out that don’t revolve around only one thing to do, or be prepared for your friend to come up with different activities to fill in the time. He wants to peruse antiques and go spelunking in some caves? Take him outdoors to fly some kites! Dazzled by a magic show? Give him a real illusion that’s definitely not highlighting a creepy fetish with reliving the past! He spent some time showing you what he likes, albeit in a bafflingly dense, roundabout way of expressing them through meeting your friends—the least you could attempt is showing him what you like and see if he takes to it instead of throwing a hissy fit.

A little more effort could have been made on both sides of the coin here, but at the very least I’m
happy nopony decided to end the world over a friend acting crummy toward the other after making a hideous assumption about their behavior. I sincerely hope this is the last time this month something this moronic comes up.

Wishing You to be Better Friends With a Blockhead,

Princess Celestia

P.S. You miiight want to take two minutes to casually inform Twilight of Sunburst's lack of correspondence to you. It would do Sunburst some good to have two ponies tell him he's thicker than Manehatten tar when it comes to sensitive topics regarding his best friend.

If you haven’t already, you should see if you can rope in all of your other friends as well. Surely they should have noticed your discomfort with the situation you found yourself in, especially if you bailed midway into one of his distractions.

Alright, Discord. Have you made the necessary arrangements?

Good. I’d hate to see Sunny disappointed once I told her I’d life-size one of her favorite board games, but didn’t feel like making holes in the floor to do it. You make this SO easy, you know that?

A surprise addition? Well, so long as it isn’t an Ursa Major or something dangerous waiting below, I guess it’s fine.

Rainbow Dash’s uneaten leftovers? That’s… a bit vague, odd, and leaves me with an eerie sense of dread. But it’s not a monster, so I guess that’s fine.

...at least, I hope it’s fine.

There Are No Strings When You Play With Shadows, Part 1

At a grand table situated in the middle of an alabaster castle dining hall, two sisters sat beside each other, nursing their teacups with practiced manners, slow sips, and the absolute resistance to chug the entire cup in one shot in anticipation of a moderately stressful week. A small plate of scones accompanied the ornate tea set Celestia had set out, and it would not last long between the two of them.

“Hey, sis,” Luna began after she sipped her teacup.

“Yes, Luna?” Celestia asked just before she sank her teeth into a scone.

Luna’s horn glowed, and a small cube of sugar levitated out of a sugar bowl, held softly in her deep blue-violet hue of magic. It dropped into her cup with a plonk, followed by a light stirring with her spoon. “Considering how this journal’s deeply integrated with some dark evil Starswirl sealed away, do you think we should be a bit more proactive in helping with his journal?”

Celestia took a small handkerchief and wiped away some crumbs. “We could, or we could let Twilight and her friends sort it out. They’ve proven themselves to be reasonably capable with tinkering with Starswirl’s spells.”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Even the one that was altered to ruin multiple timelines, sister?”

Preparing to take a sip of tea herself, Celestia stopped and set the cup back down. “Hey! Even if I don’t agree with the results, I will still respect the ingenious spellcrafting methods used to achieve them.”

“...Huh,” came Luna’s immediate response, and after a moment of mulling she crafted something more articulate. “I suppose that’s fair, but what if their meddling invites another catastrophe? What if they need our help?”

Celestia chuckled, and waved a forehoof dismissively. “I'm sure if it was really dangerous and crucial to the future of Equestria, Twilight would remember to let us know. She’s usually very good about keeping other princesses in the loop, especially when it comes to great evils being unleashed.”

“Sis, that’s you you’re describing,” Luna deadpanned. “You have to pull teeth with Twilight to get information out of her nowadays.”

“...Oh, right! Right,” Celestia said, a small sigh escaping her lips. Celestia looked away from Luna, her face distantly gazing at… no, beyond one of the stained-glass windows. Another bite of scone followed.

Luna took a deep breath, and exhaled. “...Sister, we’re probably going to be completely out of the loop on this one, aren’t we?”

“Unfortunately so.”

Luna tapped a forehoof to her chin, then a crescent moon smile appeared! “Well, why not do something else in the meantime?”

“Like what?”

“Something to distance yourself from this whole affair. Like… like a beach resort!”

Celestia’s eyes opened, and a small smirk appeared. “...You know, that actually does sound enticing. Do you know why?”

Luna paused to think before offering, “Because it will get you out of this somber state of yours?”

“That too, but I’ll get to enjoy some nice, quality sunbathing!”

Luna’s eyelids lowered and her lip straightened as the annoyance culminated into the most appropriate verbal response she could muster:

“...”

“What?” Celestia threw her forehooves out. “Don’t tell me you didn’t see that coming!”

Luna rolled her eyes. “I did, and I dread it all the more for you actually saying it.”

Celestia tittered. “It’s a good thing that’s the only pun I’ll use today. I’m all for this idea.”

“Excellent! I shall begin preparations immediately,” Luna stated with joy, nearly leaping out of her seat.

“Oh!” Celestia exclaimed. “But before we go, I need to hide Sunny and Moony on the off-chance that they figure something out to bring Starswirl back.”

Luna stopped just as she passed her sister’s seat and wheeled around. “What? Where did that come from?”

“Well, hypothetically speaking, he wouldn’t be thrilled to see two more of us running around. He could barely stand US as is, and with him knowing there’s double the trouble around, he would not stand for it.”

Luna shook her head. “Sister, they’ll be fine. We’ll just have them substitute for us in the castle as usual and—“

Celestia’s tone suddenly hardened. “No. The second he sees them, he will know what they are and send them back to the mirror pool in less time than it would take to register disgust with us on his face. I can’t risk their safety in his presence, Luna. I just can’t,” Celestia finished, her voice quivering with the last words she spoke.

‘Twas a nervous concern that Luna would not leave unaddressed. “...Very well. Where would you hide them?”

“Preferably in a place Starswirl would never think to look for magical shenanigans… or a place where Starswirl has never been before.”

Luna blinked, and slowly squinted her eyes. “...Such as somewhere here in Canterlot?”

“Yes, precisely!” Celestia confirmed.

“Should we vacate a broom closet in the castle then? Stash them in your hidden tower bunker? Perhaps one of our guest rooms that exist which the maids have forgotten?” Luna offered.

“Even better!”

~~~

“Sunny, Moony, I give you a tower that absolutely nopony has used for quite some time!”

Sunny regarded her surroundings with the sort of grimace a child wears when entering a haunted house for the first time. “Ew! This place is filled with dusty books, cobwebs, books made out of dust, cobweb-covered dusty books, and a huge bookshelf with all of the above!”

Moony, however, took in the musty place with less disgust than her sister. “Isn’t this Twilight’s old tower? Why are we out here?”

“It is, and it’s here you two are going to stay for a while until we come back from our trip, okay?” Celestia searched her vocabulary for a bit of careful, concise wording. “It’s for… important security reasons involving both of you.”

“Oh… is it because I broke that pot in the kitchen last week and found a replacement in your bathroom?”

Celestia’s eye twitched. “No, but many ponies were very upset at the swap, myself included.”

“But I told them like a hundred times that I cleaned it throw… through… really well!”

“That was still a crappy decision, Sunny,” Moony said.

Sunny whipped her head around to face Moony. “You don’t have to tell me twice! Or twenty, or two hundred times!”

“You still did it after the four-hundredth time, sister!” Moony shot back.

“Never mind about that!” Celestia interjected. “What’s important is that it’s not that incident, and you’re still staying in this tower until we get back. Understand?”

Sunny brought a forehoof to her head in a saluting pose. “Yes, big sis! I heard you loud and clear!”

Moony rolled her eyes, adding, “If she forgets in the next five minutes, I’ll remind her.”

“Excellent. Have fun, you two!” At that,
Celestia marched out the door to a world of sun, surf, and beach-crawling turf.

“...We’re not staying in here, right?” Sunny asked as soon as the door closed.

“Big sis, I would rather smash the windows of every building in Canterlot than spend the next three days cooped up in this tower with you.”

“...You could just say ‘Yes’, littlest sis.”

There Are No Strings When You Play With Shadows, Part 2

“Well, that trip was a bust.” Luna huffed, carrying a hefty amount of suitcases and bags in her grasp as she and her sister moved through town towards the castle.

“I know, right? Who knew the pegasi scheduled cloudy overcast this week?!” Celestia let out a deep sigh, carrying with her some bags of her own along with a few other bags carrying some souvenirs.

Luna rolled her eyes. “...Well, we could have if we bothered to request the weather schedule for San Prancisco.”

“Too little, too late sister. But at least the chowder was to die for.”

Despite the disappointment, Luna allowed herself a small smile at the silver lining. “Yes, I couldn’t agree more. Anyway, do you think they managed to stay in the tower?”

Celestia shook her head. “Not in the slightest. I’m hoping that perhaps they left Canterlot to go off on some big, new adventure for a new taffy flavor or something ridiculous along those lines.”

“What if they stayed in the castle?”

Celestia pursed her lips and looked downward. “Then I pray they’ve fooled ol’ graybeard long enough that banishment never came to mind.”

As the pair approached the massive set of double doors, Celestia stopped just a few steps short.

“Sister? Is something the matter?”

“...What if they didn’t fool him? What if they are gone, Luna?”

Luna sighed, but put on a warm smile, took a few steps toward Celestia, and promptly put a hoof on her shoulder. “Be strong, sister. We shall cross that bridge when and if we get there, together.”

Celestia nodded quietly, ushered on by her sister as they both stood inches away from the doors. The faint, familiar sound of jingling bells rang through the cracks, and Celestia winced—it left no doubt Starswirl was here.

Or maybe Sunny and Moony found some jingle sticks to fool around with, but Celestia had little room in her mind to entertain such optimism.

As the doors opened, the jingling noise grew louder and faster, seemingly approaching from the hallway on the west side of the throne room. Celestia held her breath as the bells rang in a rhythmic beat in time with hooves marching upon the marble floor. He was coming. Any moment now, that bell-laden wizard hat of his would exit out into the throne room!

Then came the hat she was looking for. Then… another hat worn by Moony? And a third on Sunny?!

Bags held by both princesses unceremoniously collapsed on the floor of the throne room, their thuds drowned out by the sound of what sounded like a Hearth’s Warming rave party.

Aghast, Celestia’s reaction came out in a slow, methodic, carefully selected choice of words. “What… the… bu—“

“Sister! Language!”

Starswirl, leading the trio of ponies, stopped when he noticed Celestia and Luna. He immediately raised a hoof to halt Sunny and Moony, and the bells fell quiet.

“...Starswirl, Sunny, Moony,” Luna greeted as she went down the line of giant hat-wearing ponies.

“Princess Luna, Princess Celestia,” Starswirl responded. “Glad to see you’re both back from your vacation. Did you have a good time?”

Luna shrugged. “‘Twas enjoyable, for what we could get out of it. Right, sister?”

“Yes, we did,” came Celestia’s rushed response before adding, “Also, quick question: What is going on here?!”

“Hm? Oh, this?” Starswirl smirked. “This is a conga line, Princesses! Care to join?”

That… well, that answered her question, but not everything. “...I am so very confused right now. I thought you were… how do I put this… hard-boiled?”

Sunny gasped. “Grandpa Swirly, you’re really part egg?!”

“Grandpa?!” Celestia and Luna exclaimed in unison.

Starswirl let out a hearty, mirthful laugh. “Hahaha… well, I suppose I am an egghead!”

“A-ha! I knew it all along!” She turned toward her sister. “Pay up, Moony!”

Moony grumbled and groaned before fishing a small pile of chocolate coins out of her cloak, hoofing them over to Sunny. “‘No way he’s gonna call himself an egghead,’ I said. ‘He doesn’t even know that word!’”

“Less whining, more chocolate please!” Sunny declared as she cashed in on her sweet winnings.

Starswirl stepped away from the coin-counting conga girls, closer to Celestia and Luna. In a lower, more private tone, he began, “Ahem. As for your question followed by an outburst, I’ve learned to be less judgmental of others over these past few days on behalf of your former student and her protege, and I’ve taken to the name. It’s quite catchy!”

Celestia shook her head in shock. “Okay, fine, but you hated being called that, especially by us.”

Starswirl slightly narrowed his eyes. “Well, that’s because your tone was patronizing.” He looked over his shoulder to Sunny and Moony, his expression changing to one of unrestrained elation. “However, from these two it’s far more endearing and genuine. They’re quite pleasant, much to my surprise!”

“So you were never going to send them away?” Luna asked.

“By the gods, no! I would rather banish you two.”

“Oh… HEY!”

“Hey Grandpa, I’m done counting!” Sunny interrupted, bearing a chocolate-covered grin. “Are we gonna keep our line going?”

“Oh, yes of course!” Starswirl took a small bow. “Sorry princesses, I’d love to stay and catch up, but Grandpa Swirly’s got some congaing to do!”

“Yippee!”

“Hooray,” Moony concurred with much less enthusiasm.

As the trio of jingle-belled ponies marched off toward the west hallway, Celestia and Luna stood in place, still in mild shock over the encounter.

“Luna?”

“Yes, sister?”

“That is not the same Starswirl we knew before.”

“I know. He’s certainly changed while we were gone.”

“Didn’t he used to be more… more…” Celestia trailed off, searching for a certain word.

“Cartoonishly sexist?” Luna offered.

Celestia’s eyes shot open. “What?! No! I was thinking angry, or upset, or easily agitated!”

“Oh. Those too, I suppose.”

Celestia huffed. “Whatever, at least he appears much more pleasant now, and the girls are still here. Let’s go unpack our bags before any more surprises happen.” Picking up her dropped bags and souvenirs, Celestia made her way toward the eastern hallway.

Luna followed right behind, her bags in magical tow. “Agreed. Also, we ought to start preparations for hosting Twilight’s Friendship Festival as well.”

“Ah, that’s right! That’s coming up soon.” Celestia stopped for a moment in thought. “Though, it is her festival to plan. Do we actually need to do anything?”

“For participating in the planning, or for being reasonably helpful in the event something goes wrong?”

“Participating,” Celestia answered without a second thought.

“Then if it’s anything like our festivals, we focus on smiling and waving.”

Celestia nodded. “Sounds like a good plan to me then!”

My Little Pony: The Movie, feat. Fishy Clams, Clammy Fish Birds, and a Crotch-Grabbing Fish-man

High up in a room within Canterlot Castle, lined with various stained-glass windows, three alicorns encased in obsidian stood in a circle, still as statues of a decidedly less chaotic nature. Fear reflected in their darkened, glassy eyes as clear as the moment of their capture… yet, among the horror-filled expressions chiseled on their faces, a small spark of blue light brightened up the room.

The tip of Cadance’s horn fluctuated in small magical pulses as bright white lines extended outward to Celestia and Luna. Upon contact, their horns brightened in response to join in, bridging the last gap between them with a bright white line to complete a triangle of telepathy. Yes, this was their moment to speak in secret, plan an elaborate escape, or even break free of their prisons in an explosive retort to their predicament or… or…

“Well, this could have gone better,” Cadance began in a displeased tone.

“Agreed. I believe we could have performed better than this,” Luna added. “Especially my sister.”

...Or, uh, do none of that?

Celestia snorted. “Well spoken from the one that flew away in a straight line from our stormy attacker and didn’t even attempt to swerve or serpentine.”

“I thought I could outfly it!” Luna retorted.

“You are not Rainbow Dash, Luna!” Celestia snapped. “You cannot simply ‘outfly’ a shot from a star blitzball player like Tempest!”

“Don’t you mean ‘buckball’ player?”

“You know what I meant, Cadance.”

“Well what about you?! You can’t tell me standing there could have possibly worked in your favor over trying to block it!” Luna fired back.

“But it was going to work, sister.”

“...How? Why?”

Celestia laughed. “Because it’s the last thing she’d expect!”

The response met silence from both alicorns for a time, the pregnant pause growing steadily as if a decade had passed… Or was it three days? Was there even a way to tell how much time had passed? In this room of stained glass and closed doors and bare walls, would it hurt to hang a clock somewhere, anywhere?

“...Celestia?” Cadance finally asked a millennium later.

“Yes, my darling niece?”

“Have you made your New Year’s resolution yet?”

Celestia wanted to shake her head, but couldn’t. “No, I haven’t. Why?”

“Can I make a personal request for you to resolve never to use or justify the paralyzed goat defense from now until forever?”

“Hrmm… I will consider it, but I was also thinking I should eat one less slice of cake this year instead. That seems far more reasonable!” Celestia said with a chipper note.

“That’s it, I’m getting out of here!” Luna declared, her horn glowing brighter as a thin aura formed at the base of her statue. Groaning and straining noises accompanied small shifts and tilts as Luna tried to lift herself off the ground, but to no avail. Summoning all the strength she could muster, she attempted one last burst of movement… and she succeeded! A thunk echoed through the room as Luna’s obsidian statue toppled over. “...Okay, levitation did not work as well as I hoped it would.”

“Luna! Are you alright?”

“Unfortunately, yes,” she groaned. “Barring escape, I was hoping to lose an ear so I could stop hearing this nonsense.”

Celestia rolled her eyes as hard as she could. “Sister, we’re speaking with telepathy.”

“WE RESOLVE TO NEVER USE TELEPATHY AGAIN!” Luna punctuated this outburst with a dimming of her horn, falling silent once more.

“...Very well. Cadance, since we’re on the topic, what’s your resolution?”

Cadance paused for a moment before responding, “To raise my darling Flurry Heart with the purest of unconditional love.”

“Aww…”

“And to limit visits from relatives to once a month instead of three times a week,” Cadance added without hesitation.

“Oh… HEY!” Celestia’s horn flashed brightly as she shook around angrily in place. “I do not visit that often!”

“And for me to pick and choose what parenting advice to follow!”

Celestia stopped shaking immediately. “...Okay, you’ve got something on me there, but—“

“And for you to stop spoiling Flurry Heart!”

“...” was the only response Celestia had for that.

Cadance gasped. “That was too far, wasn’t it?”

“Yes it was, but I get the point.” Celestia sighed deeply before asking, “Can I visit twice a month at least?”

“Deal.”

“I will also bring cookies every time. I insist.”

“Fine, but only if you promise to not make it a cookie mountain. A modest platter, and no more!”

“Oh, you are driving a very hard bargain Cadance… but I accept!”

“It’s settled then! But there is one more thing to do.” Cadance shifted in place slightly to turn towards Luna. “Should we try to stand her back up?”

Celestia’s horn grew brighter as a faint golden glow formed on Luna’s head. “It’s the most we can do for her right now.”

I Haven’t Forgotten the Friendship With ‘Myself’, Part 1

Dear Principal Celestia,

I have a problem, and I think she found her way over to your world.

It’s Luna. She’s had this unusually ecstatic glint in her eye ever since she heard of the incredible power of some “fack-el-tee” lot when Sunset came by our world earlier, and now I can’t find her. I’m worried she may have crossed the border into your world to learn about whatever that is supposed to be, and I also worry about her intentions for the use of such a power.

I continue to search on my side for her. If you happen to see our world’s Luna on your side, I ask that you discreetly report it to me and/or find a way to send her back before she makes any kind of scene.

And for sake of clarity, please explain what this lot is to me when you have a chance. If it’s as dangerous as some of our Equestrian artifacts, it is imperative this situation is handled as quickly as possible.

Regards,

Princess Celestia

~~~

Dear Princess Celestia,

Oh, you mean you didn't send one of your problems through on purpose? That's a first. I was beginning to think your lot thought of our world as a dumpster.

Ugh, my apologies. Today’s been a long day. She’s here alright, still power-tripping over the faculty lot’s ‘mythical power’, which is also the first I’ve heard of this. I want to say it’s impossible, but at the same time one of your world’s relics was reportedly buried in our school garden. At this point if I heard of a flashy red magic gemstone hidden in a school toilet’s water tank, I would believe it without question.

Anyway, I have her locked in my office. She’s not getting out, but not for lack of trying. She has yet to learn how to work a door handle. Or fingertips.

I take that back, she’s figured out pointing... I think. That looks more like a handshake gesture.

She’s just asked who I’m writing to. I told her it’s you, and now she’s—

TIA GET ME OUT OF HERE THIS EVIL LOOKALIKE OF YOURS HAS IMPRISONED ME HURRY THIS PLACE SMELLS AND TASTES LIKE NASTY LEMONS I DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME BEFORE SHE

Sorry, she’s very unhinged right now. And also slobbered all over my desk trying to write that. I’m trying to calm her down, but she’s having none of it.

Oh great, now she’s trying to break down the door. Hah, good luck to her. Ever since Sunset blasted the entire schoolfront, I’ve taken some liberties with improving my door strength. Heck, at this point it’s stronger than my walls!

...OH DEAR GODS, SHE SMASHED THROUGH THE WALL!

This is going to be a loooong day. But it’s fine. Don’t worry. At least my Luna hasn’t learned about this yet—

Correction. She has just learned about this, kind of, judging from the shouting of “WHY is there rubble in the halls again?! Pinkie, I’ve had it up to HERE with your homemade party poppers!”

If only it was those poppers. If only. But I’ll try to sort things out. It’ll be fine. I’ll just… manage this on my own.

Alone.

Somehow.

HINT HINT.

Regards,

Principal Celestia

P.S. Seriously, what is it with the whole writing with the mouth thing? Sunset did that for the whole first week of her freshman year before someone in English class finally taught her how to actually use hands instead of teeth. I can’t recall who did this, but by the gods are they a saint for doing so.

I Haven’t Forgotten the Friendship With ‘Myself’, Part 2

Re: Itemized Damage Report

Okay Luna, I agree with most of this report you’ve compiled. However, I have some questions, concerns and tasteful remarks about some of the items on this list.

Item 4: Thirty Seven (and counting) Damaged School Lockers, Including Contents

Do add a note that for “Contents,” we’ll only cover damaged property deemed of high personal worth and/or explicit value such as cell phones, laptops or jewelry, as determined on a case-by-case basis.

Items that have no business being on school grounds (illegal contraband, unlicensed magical artifacts, and pictured body pillows) will not be covered by this arrangement.

Item 5: Personal Request for Damaged Body Pillow, submitted by Rainbow Dash

No.

Items 6-11: Personal Request for Damaged Body Pillow, submitted by Sunset, Applejack, Twilight, etc. on Behalf of Rainbow Dash

No times six is still a no.

Item 12: Personal Request for Damaged Body Pillow, submitted by Wallflower Blush

Tell Rainbow that we do not take requests from fictional students either.

Item 13: One Whodini Magic Kit for Beginners, valued at one billion gagillion fafillion dollars, submitted by The Greatest and Powerfulest Trixie

“Sorry, but it looks like your request has magically disappeared!”

Seriously though, this kit’s available on eBuy for $30 or so. I think we’ll just go for replacement.

Also, see if they have a sale on dictionaries. Effort like this request made to annoy me with words that don’t exist truly deserves a bonus of the most appropriateliest worth.

Item 15: Six Motorcycles

I was barely able to get those by convincing Discord to pull some strings on approving our budget proposal for that year.

Once he learns they’re junk, he’s going to light my ass on fire. I get the feeling he’s not being figurative either.

Are you sure we need these replaced?

Item 16: One 2016 Crystaller Pacific, submitted by Vice Principal Luna

I have no objections to getting this repaired or replaced after the outright ridiculous car chase when Princess Luna stole your “chariot” and somehow succeeded in driving it in circles for ten whole minutes before crashing it into a tree.

I do object to your obstinance in rejecting the idea of putting seat warmers in the car. How can you even tolerate the winter months driving in that thing? For Gods’ sake, you get out of your car and walk into school with all the grace and layered bulbous girth of an onion!

Embrace something new, sister. I implore you to get some heat in your seat.

Item 17: Air Conditioning Unit for Celestia’s Office, submitted by Luna

That being said, thanks, but no thanks. I like my office toasty, and this incident is not how you’re going to change that.

I can just open a window, thank you very much. Or buy a desk fan.

Item 20: One Motorized Scooter, submitted by Scootaloo

Why you stole this to try and chase your car as opposed to calling the service that can shut down your car engine remotely escapes me. There had to be a better idea out there for you to try.

Item 21: Giant Slingshot, submitted by Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom

No, really, you HAD to have a better option than “launch yourself into your car to stop your other self”. Frankly, I think you’re lucky you broke this on the first try, or else we’d be dealing with the horrors of extended-stay hospital bills.

Item 22: Party Cannon, submitted by Pinkie Pie, valued at $10000000000000000000

Who would have thought your car would survive a broadside of confetti?

Me. I would.

Also, did you fall asleep on the keyboard or something? That number’s about sixteen more zeros than I expected for a cannon that size.

Item 26: Chunk of Stolen Asphalt from Faculty Lot

I don’t think we really need this back. No, not even as a statement toward the other Luna that this is your lot.

I’m fairly certain Princess Celestia’s willing to pay for the pothole repair—she’s offered that as an alternative given her sister’s adamant attachment to her “otherworldly trophies”. If she does, please let this go before this settlement escalates over some chunks of rock.

Item 27: Two Missing Parking Blocks

Refer to reasoning for Item 26. Again, Princess Celestia’s willing to pay on behalf of her sister’s damages. Besides, we already have lines painted for the spaces. Who among our staff (besides you, obviously) is going to miss a few blocks?

And finally, Item 30: Complete Restoration and Repositioning of Statue of Starswirl

Do you remember that part at the start where this is supposed to cover items of personal worth or explicit value?

This is neither.

That about covers my notes. Let me know if there’s any final changes to be made as a result of my input before I send the list over to our equine others.

~~~

Re: Re: Itemized Damage Report

Well, this is a bit more commentary than I expected. Some of it a bit too colorful concerning the carjacking, but I’ll let that slide. For now.

However, I can certainly respond to some of your queries.

Regarding the body pillows, it’s clear you’re taking a hard stance on denial of compensation there, but I have to ask…

What about yours?

Next, for the magic kit can you show me where exactly on the website where you’re seeing those prices? I seem to be pulling up values at least $5-10 more than what you found.

I also suggest we remove the contents of the box and put the dictionary inside. Perhaps a bookmark on the page for “powerful” as well, or is that too on the nose?

The motorcycles definitely don’t need a replacement, but the track designed for the Friendship Games certainly demands something with a bit more horsepower. OH, I know! What about karts?

Now we move on to some of the very interesting remarks. To put it simply, dearest sister, if you’re going to complain that much about my car not having seat warmers, you can choose not to gripe and instead dress up like a “bulbous onion” yourself. Meanwhile, I can choose to complain about your insistence on turning your office into a convection oven warm enough to melt a box of valentine chocolates in five minutes and effectively ruin one of my secret admirer’s presents!

I digress. The real travesty in this incident was not you or me, but the car, the lot, and all of my creatively inspired attempts to catch the one majorly responsible for most of the damage today. I at least want my other self to respect some of my wishes in regards to the domain I consider to be my responsibility for managing and safekeeping; namely, I won’t have her making off with parts of it like they’re trophies!

In other words, I don’t mind fixing the pothole, but I will have my parking blocks back or I will personally go over to her world and demand my dues!

And our student parking ticket machine, which we don’t even have, but I want one anyway!

By the way, can we still get one of those if my demands fail? Daily parking revenue would easily boost our budget for next year.

Oh, and one more thing. That long number for the cannon you thought I slept on? I forgot to put in commas.

~~~

New Development

First, my pillow’s status is not your business!

Second, as much as I’m interested in karts, budgeting, and educating a special student, we’ll have to save that talk for later.

Princess Luna has just sent you something through the portal. It’s a note wrapped around a lump of gray stone shaped like a human figure. I think. The head’s a bit bigger than I expected.

The note itself is messily written, but at least it’s easy to read. You’re welcome to read it once you’re home, but I’ll go ahead and transcribe it for you.

“Dear Other Luna,

I hope this letter finds you well during your time of strife and hardship, which was undoubtedly caused by me. It is also my hope that upon reading this you do not immediately crumple it up and toss it in a waste bin, but if you do, I will not blame you in the slightest.

If you’re reading this, you are at least willing to hear me out. Thank you. First and foremost, I wish to extend a heartfelt apology for my actions this afternoon. The sheer amount of new stimuli of your world overwhelmed me, and as a result I caused mayhem and wanton destruction. As some of your students put it, I was some kind of wrecking ball?

In any case, my sister and I are most certainly going to handle the monetary compensation, but I personally owe you an apology on the part of my taking your carriage for a joyride and tearing apart your sacred lot.

As such, I’ve taken it upon myself to provide you something that I too hold near and dear. With this note is a chunk of rock from my moon, carefully hoof-ground and horn-chiseled into one of the bipedal-shaped creatures of your world. It is but one of many I plan to send to you shortly, with some chunks much, much larger. In fact, I’m in the middle of carving one out to match the chunk I took from your lot along with those mystical ‘parking blocks’, and by the time you finish this letter, I should be sending them on their way—“

I just heard a loud ‘thud’ coming from my bathroom. Aaaand there’s two more... Oh no, I hear porcelain breaking—Change of plans, I’m going to need you to get home ASAP.

This better be the last of her apology gifts. Also, I sincerely hope you are thrilled to get some space rock parking blocks, because you’re going to help me fix my bathroom after we remove them!

The FUNdamentals of Magic, as Taught by a Substitute Teacher

Greetings and salutations, Not-my-little students! Sunny is here, in the now, as in right here right now, and I’m substituting for Big Sis Celestia today!

Before I begin, I have one thing to say. A great person once said, ‘In learning you will teach, and in teaching you will learn.’ This is amazing because I’m learning how to teach right now, and if you teach me how to teach, you will learn how to learn!

Anyway, welcome to FUNdamentals of magic, where we will put “fun” before “da mental” stuff that comes with thinking about magic and all the cool and awesome things it can do for you, others that are not you, and even things for both! However, you will probably do most magic stuff for you or things you like to do, so don’t get used to using it on others.

First, magic can be many things. It can be zany, refined, wicked, tasty, pompous, old, subtle, special, and a bunch of other adjectives I can’t think of that will be your homework for today. Anypony can use it, even if they don’t have a horn! Though that’s harder to see in action than horn magic most of the time, it’s definitely there! So if you don’t quite see it, that’s fine—just believe in it instead! That will save you a lot of trouble in the long run! Just ask Princess Twilight.

However, a lot of the magic you will see in Equestria is through spells. Yes, the ones in your textbooks written by the big flowy bearded unicorn where the beard takes up the entire cover! Did you know his beard is actually that big? And that he hates the word “scissors” so much he made me swear never to speak that word in his presence again? Well, now you do! So if you have anything to do with scissors, you’ve got a big problem coming if you see him later.

Oh no! You have scissors on your butt?! Don’t worry, we can fix that with some hoof paint later.

Now, there’s some magic spells out there that are bad. Maybe they’re bad because it came from a bad pony. Or maybe they’re bad, but had good intentions lost to time, which you should not find answers to because time travel is weird and creepy and messes with childrens’ minds… like yours. And yours! And especially you, scissor butt! Don’t do it. It may seem enticing, but the next thing you know you’ll be your own father one day, and that makes family gatherings all kinds of confusing!

There are also lots of spells to do things with food, like making cakes without an oven! It’s crazy fast, and also makes many other bakers furious with one little spell, so don’t try to do it in front of ponies that spent years perfecting a skill you can quickie in five seconds. However, also don’t try to make the food sentient and cook itself. That leads to kitchens that you can never use again for a whole month. Or two weeks, if you keep up good behavior!

Anyway, that’s all I have time for today. Please come back tomorrow for more magical lessons, not-my-students! And thank you for learning my learning!

Wait, what do you mean by, “It’s only been three minutes?” That’s the perfect time to stop since I stop listening to myself after three minutes, and so do many other ponies! It’s weird, but… normal?? Just go have your free time or recess, or turn some papayas into pom grannies!

~~~

So, I have been informed by the other teachers that three minutes is quote ‘that’s not long enough. Also, please don’t take our break room coffee maker. We only have one—’ unquote. On that note, this is not a coffee maker. It’s a cocoa maker! Who wants some hot cocoa?!

Yes, yes! Me too! All in good time, students! But first, since more teaching needs to happen, let’s learn about lots and lots of magic animals, okay?

We have lots of weird and interesting creatures in our world, like cave dogs that dig a bunch, cats that sing musical numbers, birds that are on fire, and bigger birds that are not on fire! There’s also big birds that talk and like shiny money, and I think they also turn into fish sometimes??

...Wait, no, those are the hippos! My mistake.

We’ve also got tiny dragons, not-so-tiny dragons, and dragons bigger than all of your houses stacked on top of each other! I bet there are dragons so big you could build a house or even a castle on one if you wanted to!

They might not like that though...unless you pay rent in gems?? I’ll need to ask that fiery lady in the dragon land about how that works.

Speaking of gems, there are many shiny and not-shiny artifacts that are also magical! Things like brooches, amulets, some old satyr skulls, and this half of an eggshell that always smells like year-old mayonnaise no matter how much you clean it! You won’t smell it though, since this display case is airtight.

Which also means it’s perfectly safe to pass around! Here you go, scissor butt. Don’t drop it. I mean it!

Anyway, these items range from mundane to super powerful and are capable of doing wonderful or terrible things. They can provide shelter from crazy weather and protect the world from devastation, or make summer crazy long and melt all of the ice cream in Equestria and beyond! Nopony wants that, especially me—I smell something.

Scissor butt. Did you crack my egg case?

Oh animal crackers! Everypony, it’s time for an emergency stink bomb drill! Don’t worry, Princess Cadance taught me how to handle this.

Who has a spare diaper?!

Dazed and Confused Over a New School, Part 1

Dear [insert respective species leader] here,

I apologize on behalf of all of ponykind that a certain ~~prick~~ EEA Chancellor made some highly charged remarks against you and your kin... swarm? Hive, maybe? And how the heck do you refer to a group of dragons? Horde? Cluster? I’ll come back to this later.

It’s not exactly going to be easy to pave a path over a superiority complex as large as Neighsay’s, but after today, I’m taking measures to ensure he gets a peer review—no no, they’re not going to accept that. They probably don’t even want to see his face again, and I can’t blame them!

Different angle, Tia. Let’s try…

Listen, we all make boneheaded mistakes from time to time, and mine was letting the EEA be run by a cartoonishly speciesist bigot. I’d initially let this persist considering he and the council had served as a perfect example of how not to run a school, but it’s become clear to me the guy can’t make a public appearance without pissing off every non-pony in a mile radius.

I’ll be taking steps to correct this problem internally, for a start. As for improving relations with you and your [insert species here] after this travesty, I have a few ideas worth trying.

The first is booze.

Yes. Lots and lots of booze until we all black out and forget today happened. Not sure if you’re into the idea, but a reset button under these circumstances I feel can go a long way in repairing the damage.

I mean diplomatic relationship damage. Odds are high things will be broken in my castle by all patrons, and I have a feeling at least a few representatives will put new holes in my walls or set my carpets on fire. That’s a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things, however.

Note: revise above so Rutherford gets special notice to not smash castle into rubble.

Second is an apology banquet. Look, I know we eat many of the same foods, with some foods having unique flavors and textures that are ~~palatable edible~~ exquisite and worth enjoying with good company that isn’t a hindrance to diplomatic progress, a threat to society, or just plain spite-worthy. What better way is there to make amends than a good showing of faith and food by bringing something from your culture’s cuisine to share among the other representatives?

Wait, that sounds more like a potluck instead of a banquet. And dragons eat a lot of gems and crystals... That’s not quite edible by any other creature’s standards.

Note: check to see if Dragons can provide food that won’t break any jaws when chewing.

The third option is me fashioning a Neighsay pinata, and everyone gets turns to beat the stuffing out of it with a very big stick. Or your weapon of choice.

I imagine you are more than willing to vent some physical frustration on the real deal. However, in the interest of not paying for a hospital stay or funeral costs, I’ve prepared a substitute dummy in place of the real one.

Note: make at least thirty pinatas for this one.

Double note: entertain the thought of one pinata actually being Neighsay in a pinata suit for later.

It is my hope that these attempts to ease the tensions formed between us are not only acknowledged, but acceptable in some way toward a better future for everyone. Please respond at your earliest convenience, preferably today. The sooner I get feedback on this, the better.

Respectfully Prostrating,

Princess Celestia

Okay… this needs work, but not a bad start. I just need five significantly cleaner copies of this, and it’ll be fine. What are the odds they’ll recognize all of them got the same basic apology and how impersonal that is?

Eh, even if they do notice, I doubt it’ll make any difference now. What matters is getting their response first and foremost to see how they’ll react.

It will still be bad, but it could be worse!

Aaand there’s Sunny. What is it now?

A teaching position?! Oh no, not at my school after your impromptu “teacher for a day” stunt!

Wait, it’s not at my school? Then what school are you trying… to… oooooh.

~~~

Dear Twilight,

I have a prospective new teacher willing to handle overly excitable students with enthusiasm like hers.

Should your school reopen, would you have any openings?

~~Making the Worst Decision Ever~~
Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Dazed and Confused Over a New School, Part 2

To all foreign leaders,

I did not expect a fourth option to arise, but with such an overwhelming response to my query in such a short time, I am proud to announce the agreed-upon plan of action to mend these broken fences:

A “Nay to Neighsay” party with all prior discussed options in place, in addition to some suggestions of entertainment and extra activities put forth by their respective leaders that range from thrilling to smashing! I haven’t had this much fun with an idea like this since inviting Discord to our annual Gala, but with every creature making contributions toward this event, I suspect it might become the new favorite of all that attend it. Luna’s already started making “No Fun-haters Allowed” signs and made arrangements to acquire some banners with Neighsay’s mugshot on them. In preparation for the banners, I’ve made my own arrangements to acquire an otherworldly item called a permanent marker—its use shall become clear upon your arrival.

Though I do have one reservation about some of the activities, particularly the lavasports brought forth by Dragonlord Ember and the Yak’s new sport of Yakskiivalanch, which involves ski racing while an avalanche chases everyone. If we’re going to do both of these things at the party, I’m going to have to shift some games around so that these two sports keep their polarizing temperatures away from each other.

This means the Changeling Prop Hunt will have to move out of the west wing and the same goes for the Hippogriff’s One Thousand Shell Games with Just Two Shells over in the east wing. Worry not, for my castle is spacious; we will find rooms to set them up in soon.

Finally, if you wish to bring along a plus one, please let me know in advance before you make your departure. While I’m certain there will be more than enough refreshments available, I still prefer having a head count.

Note to Ember: If you bring a Hydra, that still only counts as one.

Note again for Ember: if you bring your father, he technically counts as one, but he’s going to be a challenge to incorporate into the festivities given his mega-size to our mini-games.

Alright, that about covers the basics for activities. As for the order in which we play them… we’ll just see where the party takes us for that!

One more thing, my honored guests: in order for all of this to work, we simply must have fun! No party poopers or sticks in the mud are allowed!

So bring your game face, loosen up those limbs, and get ready for a night to remember… or forget, depending on how much we drink!

Expecting a Great Time,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Neighsay’s house is within viewing distance of my home, and I’ve bought a few cartons of eggs.

You may do with this information what you will, but I suggest bringing some form of launching apparatus. I will neither confirm or deny that my sister is considering a catapult.

As for what you bring, use your imagination.

Technically, Creatures in Close Relations or in Love are More of a Couple Than Those in Like

Dear Pinkie Pie,

Thirty eight separate background checks landed on my desk today bearing two names: yours as the inquirer signed in frosting, and the other regarding one Mudbriar “Stick in the Mud” Stickler. While I would generally throw all of these requests out on the grounds of “This is clearly stalking at this point, knock it off,” the reasoning behind these inquiries had caught my attention.

“Is he good enough for my sister? Why does she smile more around him than she has with me during our entire lives? Does he have any redeeming qualities I’m not seeing? Is he secretly a rock on the inside? Why do pinatas trigger him when it’s Maud’s birthday—not his—that he’s helping me plan for? Why is he pining for stick rights when wood is used in almost every house ever?! Is he fine with the fact that wood pulp is used in some of our processed food? How much does he dislike the phrase about sticks and stones? Is it as much as Maud dislikes that phrase? Why is he okay with wrapping a log in wrapping paper?! How can he be okay with a cardboard cutout, but not a pinata?! Is the pinata okay if I use a plastic bat? Where does this guy draw the line on what’s a problem with wood and what isn’t a problem?! How many times can you hear the word “technically” before you’re legally obligated to tie them to an anvil and throw them into the ocean? Is it ten times? What about fifteen? Why do you keep locking your bedroom and balcony doors every night? WHO IS THIS GUY?! How many inquiries can you take in one day for one guy? Is it thirty six? How about thirty seven? Is thirty eight your magic number?”

I’d keep going, but there’s more than enough for me to unpack from this bundle of questions as is. Most notably, Maud has a boyfriend, she likes him, and you don’t know how to react to this. He’s supposedly more annoying than you through sheer nitpicking and bizarre double-standards, which is admittedly a problem he might have around others. Er, with the nitpicking, not the double standards. Finally, I should still keep locking my doors every night.

Look, whatever your problem is with this guy, it can be set aside. For now. What’s important at the moment is that he’s making your sister happy, and until you get a feel for this Mudbriar fellow and how he ticks on the inside, keep this nonsensical hysteria far away from both of them.

However, if a few months down the line he begins to tick off other ponies you know and love with his attitude and outright excessive use of the word “technically”, then you have something you can bring up with Maud in that you and the others aren’t seeing what she sees in him. Is it enough to cease the relationship on its own? No, but it is worth bringing up to see if he can make a noticeable effort to be more sociable around others besides his girlfriend.

Or maybe they’ll be happy as cave hermits! It’s hard to judge that as odd when we have a neighbor living in a dimension that constantly bends the rules of the universe.

Until then, just wait and see. I’m certain over time his true colors, inner beauty, deeply rooted intentions will reveal themselves… assuming they exist, of course.

No, that doesn’t mean you should be hovering over both of them while they sleep. Boundaries, Pinkie. Respect them.

Please Respect My Boundaries Too,

Princess Celestia

Luna, I have a question. How would you deal with a letter of courtship?

Well, I’m asking because I’ve been getting some requests, and I’ve started taking interest in them. However, for some reason, I never seem to find them at their chosen meeting spot at the designated time! A-Am I that intimidating for actually taking up their offers, or... or...

Luna, why are you sweating bullets over this? I’m the one that should be worried, not you!

What do you mean you “checked them out” prior and “they weren’t good enough”?! I’m sorry, I thought I was the one getting these responses. Shouldn’t it be my prerogative to determine that?! How would you feel if I pre-screened your suitors’ courtship attempts?

...None? You haven’t received any after all this time? HOW?!

Nevermind, new game plan: I get to make you available for the dating market.

Oh no, no running away, dear sister! We go to my vanity NOW.

If You Can’t Fake It, Make It Rain Mock Compliments

Dear Rarity,

Sending a letter to me, in clearly desperate writing, begging and pleading to watch your Manehatten branch while you peddle your wares in the Canterlot fashion show is certainly one of the most bizarre requests I’ve received today.

I have no idea how you could have been so unprepared for the show as to have most of your branch assistants taken away for this. How could you possibly be this short on staff? Don’t you have some spoon girl or pom-pom mare on standby, or had your branch managers hire new staff in the case of this kind of situation happening? Or, heavens forbid, you just close the store for one day? Honestly, if your boutique is so popular in Manehatten, one day off is NOT going to make or break your sales quota.

I digress. You’re just lucky I was bored today and did not have a full schedule lined up, and that I was not called upon to judge the fashion show this year. Fifteen minutes of taming a mane into a flowy bun shape and a pair of lilac-frame spectacles later, I came to Manehatten ready for the various fashionistas and the high-roller suit buyers.

Did you know what I got? The same four or five customers, over the course of four or five visits, buying the same damn thing up to three times over and over again. I don’t know much about Rarity For You’s customer base, but this is a rarity for me being in an actual Groundhog Day scenario. I’m not sure how many times I’ve sold the same hipster-but-trendy getup, or bold-but-reserved fashion statement, or a suit to a “I treat my clothes like my bedsheets and demand ultimate thread count comfort” stallion that’s suited to their suitor needs.

I confess that a part of me was curious to see if they were interested in buying something different, so I tried to upsell a thick brown trench coat to a stallion with studs and a vibe of darkness being an old friend. He said the coat didn’t reflect the immense pain inside of him and that wearing it would be like trying to hide his immeasurable sadness and anger against everything.

I tore up half the jacket, and he promptly bought it for sixty bits. You’re welcome.

Anyway, I hope your show is going well. I’ve still got the same customers to sell the same outfits to, and now I’m wondering if I can sell one of your swirly cloth patterns for an umbrella as a scarf.

Maybe I’ll try that on the ‘woke’ girl and see how awakened she’ll be by this. If she gets mad, I’m not worried—she’ll be back after about two hours anyway.

Wishing You Success,

Princess Celestia

Yes, Miss Snooty Snob, I know the difference in color between chartreuse and a Shar-Pei. But if you really love your dog that much, you CAN dress them up like a pear and call them your ‘fruity patootie’! No, really, i-it’ll be the best outfit your money can buy.

I’m sorry, but do you see any other fashion store around here that’s willing to accommodate your dog’s fashion? How do you think Ms. Piddles will react when you’re not coming to her with the perfect lime-colored ensemble? She’ll be devastated, the mockery of other fashion dogs in pink tutus and heart-shaped sunglasses! Can you afford to leave your dog barenaked around the prim and pampered pooches?!

Great! That’ll be forty bits. Ten more if you want the matching wide-brimmed hat!

Cranky Flank Gals 9: The Wild and Crazy Grannies

Dear Granny Smith,

I am so sorry I wasn’t able to chaperone you and the girls this year and “conveniently” relieve Big Macintosh of yet another outing with four windy old bags. Believe me, if I had a choice to put ruling a nation aside for just one afternoon this year, it would absolutely be today.

Alas, it was not meant to be. Flim and Flam just sent over the latest blueprints for the new attraction replacing the lawsuit-riddled safety hazard that is—was—the Wild Blue Yonder. I don’t know what in the blue moon Gladmane was thinking having a roller coaster run through the hotel like that (it certainly never went through me for approval when it was built), but I’m pleased to see the brothers have recognized its liability and took the necessary steps to have the roller coaster closed down and redesigned within weeks of their new ownership.

Aaaaand then they turned around and proposed a city-wide pair of roller coasters, one for each brother, running simultaneously next to each other. They even went so far as to have the coasters travel in a path that spells each brother’s name, because subtlety never really existed in Las Pegasus. However, it’s not running over or through any of the hotels, which is music to my ears and to other patrons formerly unfortunate enough to book a room within earshot of the screaming riders.

Gods know if they’ll actually get around to building it, however. Oh, they can order a new set of gold plaques on doors engraved with their full-body portraits just fine, but I don’t know if they truly grasp the scope of this project and how many construction ponies they’ll need to hire to oversee the development!

Then again, they were able to sell an empty auditorium to a crowd of gullible patrons. I’ll be watching them to make sure nothing—or nopony—goes off the rails to their doom.

Oh, and they also wanted to confirm a few days ago if they still had to honor your Golden Horseshoe Society’s exclusive perks now that Las Pegasus was under new ownership and therefore previously honored deals with the former owners should not apply.

I saved you a lot of trouble this week by stating the GHS’s status has been honored since the founding of the resort. It’s long since been grandmared into the place regardless of the owner, and the ladies continue to be yearly patrons with plenty of expendable retirement income. Oh, and if they so much as think about canceling the society’s perks, they would be gummed to death by a prestigious group of grumpy gaming grannies. One or two might even use… dentures.

Is it weird how Ms. Muffins is always the courier when I receive urgent mail, or is that just me? Whatever. Another broken tower wall later, and the Society agreement has been renewed!

You owe me big for this, by the way. My price for this favor is steep, and I know you’re not going to like it, but here it goes:

One barrel of your private reserve, and one large shirt and visor for Luna. My sister caught wind of our gathering this year and was quite… vocal in her curiosity about the group’s activities. If you’ll have her, I’m sure she’ll be a joyous addition to the group!

Hey hey, shh! I’m trying to get you in, Luna! Can you let me be the one to ask the others?!

Well if you’re so insistent on not waiting, I’m sure they’d just love it if you asked them in person!

Oh dear. Um, Granny, if you’re still at the farmstead, I recommend either making tracks away from the orchard…

...or to expect a Lunar landing.

Best of Luck Either Way,

Princess Celestia

Raising Turf to Train-Surf

Dear Queen Novo,

I have to say your hippogriffs and seaponies’ have provided exceptional assistance in putting together a fully functional railroad on a brand-new landbridge extending from Equestria to Mount Aris. Though this plan did not proceed without staunch resistance from some of the construction team leaders on my end. To give you an idea, here’s a few I had to answer:

“Wouldn’t it be far easier to arrange for a dedicated airship or two for transit?”

...Yes! Next question please.

“I second that proposal, actually. Why are we doing a railroad all the way out to that isolated island instead of building airship docks?”

Because hippogriffs/seaponies really like the idea of having a train station instead of an airship dock. To punctuate that, they declared the entirety of Mount Aris a no-fly zone for any aircraft. So unless you feel like taking a carriage offroad or flying by your own wings, we stick to the train.

Note: At the time, I didn’t know you were aiming to preserve the serene hymn of the Harmonizing Heights. That is fair and sound.

“Do we really have to shift around an absurd amount of earth and stone to add an extra expansion of land beyond the necessary landbridge?”

Completely necessary for future development projects. I have been assured they will be put to good use by Novo, but specifics are unavailable at this time.

Note: I swear, if it’s a seashore seashell market you’re setting up there, I will regret defending you on this.

“Couldn’t we just build an airship landing pad on that additional turf then?”

My little ponies, I will repeat this but once more, and no longer: Novo wants a train. We build a railroad.

“Why did Queen Novo shoehorn in a redesign to the surface entrance of Mount Eris to completely remove all traces of stairs that previously existed, even though that has absolutely nothing to do with the railroad construction?”

Great question, Fore Mare! I’ll put in a request for Queen Novo to grant you some fins and gills so you can ask her that yourself!

Note: Sorry, I can’t help you with this one. I legitimately have no idea what the deal is with that last-minute add-on to the project.

Anyway, despite any and all hiccups incurred during the construction process, the completion of the railroad is a monumental achievement in sheer persistence and effort that should not go without acknowledgement of some sort. I wanted to give you a trophy of a big clamshell with a huge pearl in it to celebrate the literal bridging of our nations, but this feels somewhat diminished in value ever since you smashed your precious pearl into a pile of shards.

I considered smashing the statue’s pearl to match what had to have been the most brazen destruction of a priceless artifact since Starswirl’s second journal, but I think the decision on that should fall to your fins.

I’m going to send it by express mailpony, by the way. This is urgent mail.

Hoping You Won’t Mind a New Sunroof,

Princess Celestia

~~~

Dear Twilight,

Thanks for forwarding a copy of the thesis on Hippogriff/Seapony culture. This is a very interesting document detailing some of their… intriguing events such as the Hippogriffs’ screeching competition and their weekly pride festivals. Both sound like great events to bring earplugs for, by the way.

I also didn’t realize Hippogriffs/Seaponies could have an identity crisis based on living as one creature or another. If anything, I would have pegged Changelings to have this problem first, but color me surprised. Still, is it really that big of a deal when the worlds are separated by nothing more than the water surface and a pearl fragment? I’m not sure whoever was the focus of this issue you documented, but they are living between worlds that are less than three minutes apart from each other. How on earth they could have stumbled upon this problem in the first place with a key to both cities hanging around their neck escapes me.

It would be different if, for example, one had to choose between city or farm life and can’t have both due to the distance and lifestyle differences. But this? It sounds like this on-the-fence hippogriff/seapony didn’t understand they were literally sitting on the fence and could go to either side whenever they want.

Oh well. At least the rest of the paper discussing the Seapony habitat and eating habits was more worthwhile. I’m particularly interested in seeing how their kelp chips taste! Not their fish oil tea, though. That sounds about as palatable as putting butter in coffee.

If I were to change anything about this paper, I would revise the section on newborns and mating rituals. It takes up roughly half of your entire thesis and spends a lot of time on all the different ways they can engage in the act. If I didn’t know they had over fifty ways to lay eggs, I do now. In vivid, excruciatingly precise detail.

The revision is simply to remove that whole part, or tone it down so that others do not become disgusted, aroused, or some bizarre combination of both. It might be better off listed in some sort of Mating Compendium instead. Considering how much time you’ve spent on researching other species’ mating habits, why not start now? It can’t be worse than the last book you published!

…Can it? We will have to wait and see.

Wishing You Success in Your Continued Research,

Princess Celestia

Luna, for the last time, quit offering me that ridiculous butter coffee! I am a milk and sugar preferent princess. Creamer too, if we have it!

Look, you can waste your butter on that coffee if you want. I’d rather see my butter spread out on toast, muffins or pancakes!

No, Luna. I will not drink it from a mug, even if the mug is a pug! I will not drink butter coffee, even if it’s served with toffee!

When a Princess is Away, Her Horse Surrogate Will Play

Dear Luna,

I noticed the sun rose about five hours earlier than it should have today. Every creature over at Mount Aris was fully thrown off by the surprise sunrise, including me, because now I only have less than an hour to practice for the weekly screeching competition.

I will keep this query brief: what happened in Equestria, sister? I need a good answer, and I need it ASAP.

Worried and Short on Time,

Celestia

~~~

Dear Celestia,

If you’re looking for a reason why the sun was raised early, I have one.

Except it’s not good. At all. It’s so bad, it could only happen because of Sunny’s best shot at improvisation for an improvised play in celebration of a “onesversary” personal accomplishment that I swear sounds like that was made up right on the spot! I didn’t even know this was a thing until Rainbow Dash told me about it, and I’ll bet you don’t know a thing about what this is either.

Basically, it was to celebrate your 1111th anniversary of your very first raising of the sun. That’s it. It’s just happening because of a once-in-a-lifetime string of 1’s in the year that the Pink One kept track of, because of course she did.

And what kind of play do you get for such an occasion? A revisit to the first time you raised the sun long ago, delivered in less than five lines, not counting the time spent by Spike dealing with hecklers. Yes, there were hecklers. Yes, I am happy you were not here for that.

Sadly, I know very little about the backstage workings of the play, but there were multiple explosions at one point, followed by a big bang. I think whatever that was, or whatever was destroyed by the explosion, should have been the fake sun as opposed to the real one lifted for the play. You know, the one raised by Sunny and cut off my night by five hours, all just to make an incredibly short play an incredibly large success. I have simultaneously never been so frustrated in the pony populace and angered at the misuse of a celestial object as a stage prop, especially when I’m the one that said that’s a terrible idea for the Friendship Festival!

In case you can’t tell, I am miffed over this entire situation. I can’t even insist on having another play done for me because of a certain thousand-year banishment locking me out of that! Even a 111th anniversary pales in comparison, and what kind of story am I going to get?! My first moonrise? The first time I learned to dreamwalk? I DEMAND BALANCE, sister!

Which I will get, one way or another.

Respectfully Annoyed by Everything Right Now,

Luna

P.S. By the way, Sunny wanted to send you an apology letter covered in glue and sparkly glitter. She neither understands nor cares about the finite limits of both, and it turned into this massive shiny glue glob with a letter of apology buried somewhere inside.

Have fun with that!

~~~

Dear Luna,

Good news, dear sister. I no longer need to practice.

The screeching will come naturally. You’re going to hear it. This, I guarantee.

Don’t Forget Your Earplugs,

Celestia

The Cutie Map’s Parent Trap

Dear Twilight,

I don’t normally write up court orders for inanimate objects or magical artifacts, but thanks to a certain request on behalf of Starlight Glimmer, I’m sending you this to, uh, serve to the Cutie Map in my stead.

Enclosed along with this letter is a court order for the Map to enact a reasonable degree of friendship problem prioritization. More specifically, it is requested to NOT mandate a resolution between family members if the problem is a trivial dispute between them. Note that this does not apply to disputes that may result in drastic changes to the land of Equestria or any so-called “end of the world” scenarios. In that respect, any issues between me and my sister are deemed worthy of intervention, regardless if it ranges from not appreciating some effort in making breakfast to which way the toilet paper roll is supposed to face.

This order came forth due to a recent incident where it forced Starlight and Sunburst to reconcile with their parents over some of the pettiest reasons ever given to not do so—but that’s not my business, and neither should it be a Cutie Map Crisis. As they are adults, it is their right to handle their family situation how they choose even if such decisions may have them come off as massive pricks. There is no reason for the table to meddle in their personal lives with this level of authority over such affairs.

I do wish this was addressed when it asked three fillies some time ago to handle a hippogriff child’s “split” decision on their land and sea family matters. I’m more than happy to hear about the increased activity between the Hippogriff and Seapony populace, though that was tangential to solving a single family’s issue. Presumably this is the same for Starlight and Sunburst’s hometown which split itself into a bizarre half-historic museum where no one can touch anything and half-futuristic superstore where all food is served in cups. If that is the case, then maybe the Map should be more straightforward about addressing that as the major problem instead of making a minor problem the primary focus. Optional objectives are a thing—leave that for the mission taker to decide.

Anyway, until the table learns how to properly prioritize friendship problems with a certain degree of merit in fixing, this order shall take effect immediately upon receipt of the document and remain in effect indefinitely until the table stops acting like a nagging grandmother. Should the table ignore the order and once more summon a pony to apologize to their family for, say, stealing the last pudding cup from the fridge, said pony is free to ignore the table at their leisure.

Only, there’s still one problem with this order that neither I or Starlight could find an answer to, and I’m hoping you can figure this query out for the future in enforcing this new order:

Does the table have a mute button? Or do ponies have a mute butt button? It better not be the latter.

Waiting for an Answer,

Princess Celestia

Luna? What brings you over here at this hour?

Some nefarious thief stole your pudding cup again?! Oh, what a travesty to befall my dear sister. Don’t worry, I’ll just get some more from the store today.

Hm? Yes, I ate it. I’m also fixing it right now because if I don’t, there will be another friendship problem between us that requires Cutie Map intervention to address eating a pudding cup without permission!

I don’t care that you put your name on it! I was hungry last night! Just let me buy you a new pack so this doesn’t turn into a thing between us!

Non-Repeat Clause

Dear Luna,

About nine months ago, you started offering a unique magical class unlike any other thanks to your dreamy domain. Taking advantage of their midday resting period with an optional class that any student can choose to take if they want and teaching them about magic they dream of mastering? Nothing this flexible has been seen in all my years of running this place!

However, the other staff members have some… I’ll generously call them ‘concerns’ about how you’re encouraging attendance for the class. Look, offering free moon dust snacks was certainly a delicious and horrific incentive for your first week, but the children already have dedicated snack and lunch periods in between their classes. With that in mind, offering these snacks every school day for nine months and also starting a “Moon Scout” brigade to sell them in school and in the Canterlot Commons is NOT what I expected at all from you or the students under your wing.

On the plus side, we won’t have to worry about the school budget anymore. On the minus, I’ve started receiving complaints from other teachers regarding your recent decision to plant a Moon Scout in every classroom armed with Crescent D-lites and Half Moon Pies and their ears fine-tuned to the sound of hungry tummies. In addition, students have begun to exhibit certain unhealthy habits like selling ground-up cookie crumbs in the bathrooms, crashing heavily throughout the day, and most notoriously acquiring a concentrated crystal of moon dust and sugar going by the name of “Blue Moon”. We’re currently in the middle of investigating the matter, but if you happen to hear anything about somepony called “Waxenwane”, I expect it to be reported as soon as possible.

In the meantime, I’m going to have to request that you scale down the predatory sales tactics within school boundaries and sell them during the lunch break. A little restraint goes a long way in cutting down notices in my complai—er, suggestion box.

Also, you’re slated to win Teacher of the Month again. Big surprise, I know, but the children of the school have made it quite clear where their popular vote lies. The other teachers are probably going to be livid as usual, despite my constant reminder that this award is not a big deal. You get a nice certificate on parchment paper, a photo on the wall, and a ten-bit gift card of your choice! It’s not like you’re walking away with a commemorative trophy every time you win. Who even does that?

Granted, you’re probably going to walk away with the Teacher of the Year trophy at this rate (if you do, you’re on your own dealing with their faux admiration and/or scorn), but the other staff members will have some solace in being able to vote there and make their voices heard on par with the students’ popular vote. Maybe that will swing the trophy over to a “more deserving” pony, maybe not. How that fares is up to you convincing the other teachers that you’re not out for their expendable income by cramming boxes of Mini Moon Cakes in their face.

On that note, please do not cram boxes of cookies in my face every time you need something from me. I don’t print money out of my arse.

Sincerely,

Celestia

Sunny, for the LAST time, I am not having you substitute teach in my school ever again! Why are you he—

S-Sunny? Are you okay? Your eyes look really bugged out.

No, I don’t have this “happy blue” stuff you’re talking about! Wait. Did you try any?

HEY! Quit dismantling my office! I don’t care if you think you smell it; that’s no reason to—OOF!

…

…Luna? Is that you?

Why yes, I am under a very large and extremely heavy filing cabinet. Can you lend a hoof?! Sunny’s tweaking out right now, and she must be contained before half the whole school building is flipped over!

I Need a Break From These Ups and Downs

Dear Strawberry Sunrise,

I received a Hearts and Hooves package today with a smudged shipping label of two images, one I can’t make any sense of followed by a picture of a rising sun. Whatever the first image was, presumably a fruit, has now been smudged into a mushy jam. Part of me thinks this came to me because of typical Ponyville Postal package handling, and another part recognizes the sheer idiocy of delivering a package via pictogram. No address or anything, just a picture and a dream!

But let’s get back to reality. I have a strong suspicion this package was meant for you. I can’t conclusively prove it, but the sender of this package was… very forward and “in your face” with this declaration of their feelings for you. They also wrote a note that was stuffed inside their gooey and sweet gift filled with words that will likely make you tingly and red-faced with overwhelming emotion.

Alas, the sweet gift was destroyed in an accident. But worry not, Miss Sunrise. I’ve taken the liberty of including that note in the new present I’ve wrapped and forwarded on to you. I’ve taken some steps in an effort to preserve the original gift’s unique delivery system so as to keep the intent of your Hearts and Hooves present unmarred by unfortunate circumstances, and as such you won’t be able to read my note until it’s far too late. But believe me when I say once you receive this package and open it, your mind will undoubtedly fixate upon the true sender and how you’ll return the gesture.

Happy Hearts and Hooves Day,

Princess Celestia

~~~

Dear Applejack,

So, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is the package you intended to send to Strawberry Sunrise had taken a slight detour, but I happily rerouted it to the proper recipient with a name written in smudge-resistant ink. She may receive it later this afternoon or by tomorrow morning.

The bad news is I ordered a whole pallet of frozen strawberry shortcake dessert that’s supposed to arrive at my castle by the end of the day. However, I might have mixed up that order with another shipment of Cranky Flank Cream I ordered for Granny Smith. On the off chance that happened, can you do me a favor and not immediately burn my desserts at the stake? Please have Granny send me a note they’ve arrived, and I’ll pick them up ASAP.

Thanks in advance,

Princess Celestia

P.S. That order may also contain a massive tub of strawberry cream cheese. Again, no touchy.

Ah, Luna. So how goes your hunt for prospective suitors on this fine day of love marketi—ye gods, that is a ginormous basket of roses! Was that from one?

Oh, so you’re gathering roses from your suitors. Well, how many do you have so far? That’s gotta be one, two… at least two hundred from this angle.

Add a zero? What do you… no, two thousand?! Ye gods, how are you even going to start narrowing down that number?

...Luna, I can think of at least five or six less invasive ways to filter them than “see what they would do to me in their dreams.” But if that works for you, by all means go through with it—these aren’t my suitors to sort. However, I do have another suggestion. How about having them fill out a simple little questionnaire?

Ugh, yes, you can ask what they would do with you in a candlelit bedroom at night as one of the questions. Just be prepared for answers your eyes wish they could unsee. That goes double for your dream probing.

Having a Molt Down Over a Breakout

Dear Spike,

Firstly, I wish to apologize for yelling at you profusely when you arrived with a report from Twilight. I did not expect a personal drop-off on my balcony probably just as much as you did not expect me to shout with glee over your new appendages! I also expect Luna did not expect you to slam into her tower, but when something this unexpected happens, one should expect almost anything!

I also apologize again if things still sound loud in this letter. Philomena decided to start a preening session over my bed during the night, and my hearing has been shot to Tartarus all day! Even now a groggy sister of mine may be covering her ears as I attempt to address your new appearance, which looks amazing by the way!

Oh, and because I’m curious, I asked Dragon Lord Ember about any written records of potential growing pains. After the first time you bloated to gargantuan proportions from what can now be labeled as a “greedy growth spurt”, I’m taking a liberty to prepare both you and ourselves for any other surprises! What I got was a stone tablet carved out with the words “Dragons Rule! Ponies Drool!” written on it. I have absolutely no idea if this is a sign she’s going through something, or this is a relic of rebellious mood swings! Either way, this is not a lot to go off of!

Wait! She also wrote something else on the back! It says “Quickening,” whatever that is supposed to be! Well at least you know the name of it, so good luck dealing with those changes! Maybe ask Ember yourself or that other dragon that goes to your school, what’s the name… I want to say Colder!

Beyond that, good luck with your upcoming development! I’ll have a traditional gift of a heavy metal collar ready for you when your next ascension comes! You’ll need to wear it at all times though. Don’t worry—you’ll get used to it!

With Love,

Princess Celestia

Oh my goodness! Sunny, your face is broken out in zits! And why are you wearing half a pepperoni pizza?!

A loony gave you a knife and rice?! That doesn’t answer my question, and besides, how many times have I told you not to accept things from strangers?!

Just now? Oh. Well, now you know not to do it!

Hey! Give me back my parchment! I need that for—

Big Sis, I don’t think you can hear me. I said, “Moony gave me life advice!” She said my acne can be cured with greasy stuff, so I found pizza!

Ooooh, okay. Wait, no no no! Moony gave you awful advice! You don’t fight grease with more grease! That makes it all kinds of worse!

Sunny, listen. You’re me, kind of! Doing nothing is the best thing you’re good at. It may not always be the smartest decision to make, and it might not even be a choice you’ll willingly make! But when it happens, you are the undisputed queen of non-participation! So don’t touch your face with anything greasy or acidic, mild soap and water at most, and I promise you it will improve! If you can weather an acne storm, you can weather anything!

Maximum Effort Toward the Wrong Goal Gets No Marks

Dear Miss Dimple,

Thank you for submitting your application to my School for Gifted Unicorns on behalf of your daughter, Cozy Glow. Unfortunately, we must reject this application for the following reasons:

First, she’s a Pegasus. I’m sure you know this is a school dedicated to teaching Unicorns how to foster and develop their magical aptitude, and thus Pegasi and Earth ponies are seen as ill-fitted to attend. Despite this, I’ve made my case to the other teachers on my campus about how we’ve let some Earth ponies and Pegasi students and teachers from other schools come and study for the sake of broadening the knowledge of unicorn magic across all equine species. Were this to be the only reason to deny her enrollment, we would absolutely overlook it. However, other factors noted during the interview with you and Cozy left us with skepticism for some and doubt for others.

Next, her inability to socially interact with other ponies in an amicable way. This was the dealbreaker for over half of my staff, and it’s not because the girl can’t talk. Oh, she’s definitely got her way with words, but there’s something about her expressions and body language when she’s talking that… feels like a half-hearted act, to put it mildly. She even tried a puppy dog/adorable kitten look, which would have worked if she had a frown to match. Instead, we got a smile so creepy everypony didn’t know what facial expression to make in response to it. I cringed, by the way. Anyway, this disconnect between her diction and her outward appearance leaves us unsettled. Yet I am surprised, Miss Dimple; actors and actresses from under your tutelage are seen as much stronger than this, and I hoped to see that in your child as well.

Third and last, there is the matter of your massive butler leaving a butler-sized hole in my school building to take both of you home. That was not going to fly with me in ANY capacity—the children attending my school do enough damage scorching the walls and melting floors with errant magical maladies, and I will not have a behemoth like him walking through the halls and leaving potholes with every step at the end of every school day. I would need to hire a third carpenter just to compensate for the extra damage!

Thus, I am ~~relieved~~ sad to say that Cozy Glow will not be able to attend my school. However, I do have an alternative. There is another school in Equestria that is quite comfortable with their building being demolished on a weekly to monthly basis, and may be able to aid Cozy Glow with her bizarre behavioral quirks.

Enclosed is an application to Princess Twilight’s School of Friendship. It should go without saying that this application should be filled out honestly and truthfully. “Your Mom” is not acceptable when listing off parents and/or legal guardians.

Thank you once again for applying, and I hope this alternative suggestion will get your daughter the education she needs.

Stay Hot, Miss Dimple,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Out of curiosity, does your butler also do hired security? I know a great nightclub that’s in dire need of a bouncer after an… unfortunate accident with slipping on vomit. Lots and lots of vomit.

Luna, there you—AUGH! Gods, is that what I smelled like?! Go take a bath! No, take three baths!

Yes, that’s what it took for me to get all of it out of my mane. I don’t even care if you use my shampoo… except you will NOT use all of it unless you plan on buying me a new bottle. And don’t even think about grabbing a cheaper alternative! I have spent centuries sourcing out the best shampoo for flowing manes, and I will not lose it to bargain-bin products!

Fine, you may use my conditioner too, but under the same conditions.

No, you can't just send a servant to buy more shampoo and conditioner! Do you want angry castle servant revolts?! Because THAT'S how you get angry castle servant revolts!

Look, you weren't there when conditioner was invented, I was. Now, I may not be a ruler incapable of starting the odd strike, riot, or bathhouse sit-in, yet I know what it takes to stop these things from recurring. You REMEMBER the dark times of entire days spent brushing! It's not something I'm willing to revisit! Do you understand? Good!

Don’t worry; I’ll wash both of our bedsheets while you tidy up. The trail of gunk in the hallways we shall fix afterward! I will not leave it to the servants. Revolts, sister. REVOLTS!

The Mean Six Plus The Terrible Two Equals...

In the middle of a pleasant garden kept pristine despite many incidents of gardeners being assaulted by angry birds (and one angry ‘part-bird’ alicorn), two regal sisters rested in lounge chairs beneath an umbrella. A small table sat between the two chairs, holding two drinks and an uncorked wine bottle. Leisurely resting to chirps of songbirds, the serenity of such a scene seemed few and far between other moments of chaotic nonsense and aimless shenanigans for the princesses.

In fact, the calmness of this event seemed so bizarre, it’s a wonder why no one’s pointing it out—

“Sister? Don’t you think this is a bit… too peaceful?”

—aaaand there it is.

Celestia lifted her head off the lounge chair and turned to face Luna. “Whatever do you mean?”

Luna’s eyes drifted toward the overcast sky. “I mean, here we are at the castle with no meetings to attend, no school or city events to monitor, and no plans with the other girls for today. We have nearly a whole day and night off while only having to deal with shifting our celestial bodies!”

Celestia scoffed, and cast a golden aura upon a wine glass with a light pink liquid inside. “Well, of course! We’re barely moving around as is, Lu! That’s the point of relaxing!”

Luna narrowed her eyes. “You know what I mean, Tia.”

“I do, but so what? Should it not be pleasant that you’ve only had to observe dreams in the evening for two hours as opposed to the whole night?” Celestia finished, sipping some of her rosé.

Luna shook her head. “I agree, yet I still worry. This placid time leaves me anxious, sister. Anxious for a coming storm.”

Celestia set her wine glass on the table and waved a hoof dismissively. “Sister, let it go. If there are any major problems that come about, I’m sure Twilight and her Forced Friendship Map will spot the problem and get it resolved before we even know anything happened.”

“Speaking of things to let go…” Luna muttered.

“What was that?”

“An inconsequential utterance, sister!”

Celestia squinted her eyes. “...Uh-huh. Suuuure.”

Luna sighed. “Look, I understand I’m sounding somewhat paranoid—“

“You totally are,” Celestia interjected.

“—but maybe there’s something we’re missing, something in our vicinity that’s going wrong right now and we’re none the wiser!”

~~~

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!” came one of many maniacal cackles that echoed within the castle hallways. Two ponies stood in one such hallway, one positively mad with excitement, and the other stricken with concern. “Behold, littlest sis! Fear me and tremble!” a white-hot being pulsing with searing flames announced in a deep, booming voice. “For I have become… an orange creamsicle!”

Beholding this sight just a few feet away, a little sister with a noticeably darker sheen and teal eyes could not decide whether to show shock or annoyance, but ultimately went with an expression that displayed both. “Okay… but why?”

“Well, because I just learned about it. I had this super weird dream last night where a nasty-looking evil lady that looked like me-but-not-me because she looked like a creamsicle said I could look like this too! She said it would feel awesome, be cool, and she even presented a slideshow with big letters and numbers and charts explaining all the ways looking like this was amazing! I was thoroughly convinced.”

Moony brought a forehoof to her snout. “So you just… listened to the dreamy evil voice in your head so you can look like a creamsicle? That’s all it took?!”

“Duh! What about you? Did you get hooked by promises of eating moon treats whenever you wanted?”

“N-No! I did not!”

“Oh, you totally did.”

“Well, you know what?! At least I wasn’t only sold on looking like a creamsicle!”

“But I don’t just look like one, Moony! I am definitely the greatest and powerfulest creamsicle ever! And to celebrate, I want to know if I taste as good as I look!” Sunny grabbed a bit of her fiery mane and began nomming on a section of it, her eyes lighting up with glee.

The shock-annoyed expression on Moony’s face tightened up even further as it found a third roommate: disgust. “I’m… just going to pretend I didn’t hear that—“

“Oh my gosh! I taste delicious! Here, want some?” Sunny asked as she offered a part of her mane.

Moony clamped her hooves down over her ears. “I am pretending even harder that you didn’t ask that question!”

“No really, you should try some!” Sunny continued as she pushed her mane closer.

“No thank you!” Moony slowly shifted away from Sunny.

“Little sis, please try some for me.”

“No! I refuse!” Moony said as she felt her back hit the wall.

“Moony,” Sunny began as she leaned toward Moony. Inches separating their faces and boring into Moony’s face with smoldering charcoal eyes, Sunny’s cheerful tone gave way to something quite nasty as she spoke two words devoid of any chance for negotiation:

“I INSIST.”

“But I… I…” Moony choked as she sought out some words, any words to say to get her away from the red-hot gaze drilling into her. Then, she had something; it wasn’t much, but it was all she could come up with in the heat of the moment.

“I’m allergic to eating mane hair!”

Sunny stopped, pulling the tuft of mane hair away. “...You are?”

“Uh, yeah! I accidentally ate some on one of the moon biscuits we made, and I couldn’t breathe for like an hour!”

Sunny tilted her head. “I thought you said it was because the biscuits were too dry.”

“Uh… that too. But the hair also made it much worse, I promise it did!”

“Oh. Well, that’s a shame,” Sunny replied, the anger fading in her voice at least. She then promptly stuffed the tuft of mane into her mouth. “More for me then!”

“Yes, um, please enjoy yourself. I’m… going to go get some fresh air, okay?”

“Go ahead!” Sunny replied, happily savoring the apparent sweet and/or citrusy flavor. “I’ll be right behind you!”

As Moony rounded the corner of the hallway, she stopped to take a few deep breaths and shake away the fear in her trembling limbs. The respite was brief, however, as the cackling around the corner started up again, growing louder with each approaching hoofstep.

“Oh Moony, I just realized! I bet you taste different too. Can I nibble on your mane, maybe chew your ear? Ooh, I bet you taste like blueberry pie!”

Moony wasted no more time as she leaped into the air, taking flight away from the laughter behind her.

It wasn’t long before her sister started catching up. “Mooooony, I want that pie!”

“No!”

“Gimme dat pie!”

“NOOO!”

~~~

Celestia nodded in understanding. “Aha, so that’s your concern. I have a solution then!”

“What is it?” Luna asked.

Celestia shot her forehooves up in the air. “You need to fully embrace the art of hakuna matata!”

“...Seriously?”

“Relax, sis. It’s fine. I’m sure if something terrible is happening near us right now, we absolutely won’t be oblivious to it.” Celestia leaned back in her lounge chair. “Or we’ll definitely see the aftermath of something going wrong soon. Either way, I’m confident we won’t be caught off-guard at all!”

Luna rolled her eyes, but returned to a relaxed position in her chair. “If you say so, sister.”

“I know so.”

“By the way, did you hear anything coming from the castle just now?”

“Not a peep, and that’s how I like it!”

Introduction to Evil 101: P is for Planning

Sitting in a mostly empty classroom behind a large oaken desk, a blazing monstrosity of white-hot color addressed her attending audience with authority, intensity, and a little bit of bubbly cheer. “Alright, everypony! Sit down and listen carefully as I go over Operation: Ice Scream! Before I begin, does anypony have any questions?”

Moony quickly raised her hoof.

“Yes, you in the front! What’s your name?”

Moony blinked, and quickly looked around the classroom for a moment, wondering if there was anypony else Sunny saw that she didn’t. But no one else was there. “Hi, uh, I’m Nightmare Moony. Why, exactly, are you doing a chalkboard presentation to explain the plan to your… lone co-conspirator?”

“Because all plans need elaborating, little sister! Be it to enemies, friends, frenemies, or enemends, all shall be revealed in due time!” Sunny turned her head toward a wall-mounted clock before continuing, “Which in this case is probably three or four minutes.”

Moony narrowed her eyes, skepticism rolling off the tongue as she pressed, “Can I ask for the real reason, Sunny?”

Without the slightest bit of hesitation, Sunny answered, “We’re almost out of chalk and I want to use the last of it so biggest sis can buy more for us later!”

After a moment of consideration, Moony nodded. “I am satisfied. Please proceed!”

“Today, the plan is simple.” Sunny lifted a yardstick with red-hot magic that instantly lit it on fire. Pointing the flaming stick that would burn away its inches, she began, “Today, we will steal ice cream from Sorbet & Sherbet’s Ice Cream stand! We will complete this task in three phases that I’m told will guarantee success!

“Step one: Approach the vendor discreetly! If there is a line, we approach in the line.”

Moony raised her hoof again. “What if we cut in line?”

“Then we’ll be out of line! We don’t want that as it will ruin the discreetness!”

Instead of lowering at the answer, the hoof stayed upward. “What if we just cut the ponies in the line in half, with a sickle or a machete?”

“Then we’re just out—period—because there is no line! Also, that’s double discreet ruination! No cutting lines or ponies!”

“Fiiine… killjoy,” Moony replied, the last word muttered under her breath as she finally lowered her hoof, now pressing it against her chin.

Sunny pointed her two-foot stick toward the chalkboard. “Step two: Ask for ice cream politely!”

Once more, a hoof shot up in the air. However, it was not Moony, but Sunny who raised hers. “Before you ask, I will! ‘Why are we being so polite when we’re committing theft?’”

Moony wore a bewildered expression that was half-perplexed, half-amazed, and slightly askew. “I… wasn’t going to ask anything. I figured it was part of your insistence on being discreet.”

“Wrong!” Sunny boomed, launching the desk she sat behind over Moony and crashing into many other desks, turning the once-orderly classroom into a chair and desk massacre. Her eyes flared with such intense heat they scorched two spots on the wall an eye-width apart behind Moony’s head. However, the heat faded as quickly as Sunny’s volume as she said, “This time, the reason is because politeness lowers defenses and gets ponies to do things that they wouldn’t do if they were asked rudely!”

Moony brought a hoof to her chin. “That makes sense… but aren’t we going to be rude once we actually steal the ice cream?”

Sunny pointed a hoof at Moony and opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came. She held that position as her eyes unfocused, seemingly deep in… something. Paralysis? Sleep? No, no, it has to be the improbable—nay, the most inconceivable thing imaginable: thought. After a moment that lasted an eternity and a whole minute, Sunny came back to reality with an answer: “That will be then, and this is now!”

Moony considered the response in significantly less time before nodding in agreement. “This is true! Very well, what is the last step?”

Affirmed by Moony, Sunny returned to the chalkboard to point the scorched footlong ruler at her final point. “Step three: When it’s offered, snatch it and run away screaming!”

“Screaming? Why screaming?”

“Because screaming is mandatory for any ice cream-related activities. Eating, sharing, dropping, crying, brain freezing, and now stealing! It will be the perfect escape plan! Probably!”

For much of the presentation, Moony sat at her desk content with asking questions and giving quizzical reactions. However, at this juncture of the presentation, she stood up from her desk and approached Sunny. “...Sister, I have but one important question I need to ask for this escape plan.” Leaning forward and sporting a devilish smile, Moony asked, “Are we screaming at maximum volume?”

Sunny mirrored her sister’s wide and wicked grin. “The voice knows only one volume: deafening!”

Moony rose out of her chair, giddy and ecstatic! “I love this plan!”

“Me too!” Sunny concurred, pronking in place and bounding with energy! Soon, very soon, the ice cream would be hers for the taking!

Okay, some for her sister too. But mostly hers!

I’d Rather Be Deaf Than Listen to Pinkie’s Yakity-Sax

Dear Twilight,

I can’t take this anymore. This has gone on for months without end, and my patience has worn out. As easy as it is for my town populace to ignore the calamitous cacophony over in Ponyville thanks to my ‘brilliant’ plan of donating phoenix feathers to my citizens to weather the noise, Philomena and I are quite sick of her spontaneously losing her coat every day to this painful music.

You need to say something to Pinkie, right now, about the yovidaphone notes she’s butchering. And I don’t mean saying something crude and insulting like, “You’re terrible, not improving, and we think you’re wasting your time doing it.” That’s far too harsh and while it would certainly get her to stop, it’d tear her down from her pedestal with no recourse to build her back up again. No, it doesn’t matter if you say it in the nicest way either—you’d still be a prick for saying it.

Get the girl lessons. Have her listen to, and try to emulate the masters in Yakyakistan that can actually play it in a way that more than just the music player can enjoy it if she insists on playing it in public. That said, do not use the Yak audience as a metric for how good she plays. They have the broadest possible definition of what constitutes perfect music playing, which unfortunately doesn’t translate well to other species that enjoy having the luxury of functioning ears.

Yet we must consider the worst as well. If she will never improve in any capacity, despite the best efforts taken to improve her performing skill, then she shouldn’t be ignorant of this fact and play her music somewhere private or soundproofed like a… bunker, maybe? A deep underground cavernous utopia? Maybe throw her in a sound-cancelling bubble on the off-chance that she gives notice of her practice time? Pinkie has no good reason to disturb the peace at this point and should find a solution that minimizes the overwhelming amount of neighborhood nuisance complaints.

Mayor Mare can’t even find her desk anymore, Twilight. Her office is crammed full of filing cabinets, filled with nothing but complaints, that have effectively turned her into a rat in a maze. She’s started buying sheets of plywood so she can have a temporary second floor to navigate. I’d rather send an urgent request to you now to solve this dilemma than see my friend turn her maze into a multilevel monstrosity.

However, I’ll remind you once more to be careful with your words when breaking this down to her, Twilight. I’m sure she will still listen to you, even if you sometimes say things that directly contradict yourself. You shouldn’t be doing that with her… or anypony else for that matter. The last thing we need is for Pinkie to have a meltdown and become a bitter mime.

Wishing You Luck and Common Sense… Mostly the Latter,

Princess Celestia

Sunny, what’s with the torn leather vest and studs? Is this a new phase of your, ahem, ‘dark and spooky’ phase? Also, please speak up a bit so I can hear you.

...So let me get this straight. You want to start a punk-themed band with instruments comprising of Pinkie’s “yakpipes”, a xylophone and... what are you playing again?

A triangle and kazoo. Somehow I should be surprised, but I’m not. Anyway, have you come up with any band names for your little group of questionable musicians?

Nature’s Wrath? Sounds appropriate. How about a venue for your first performance?

Uh, Sunny, we don’t have an amphitheater at the castle.

What do you mean by ‘We made one?’

Why did… Sunny, you can’t just blast a giant hole in the ballroom wall and call it an amphitheater! That’s right next to the bird sanctuary, for my sake!

A Principle’s Principals Don’t Matter to Angry Parents or Guardians

Dear Discord,

I’m mad at you. Verily, indubitably upset.

I had six angry parents and guardians huffing and puffing hot breath down my neck today thanks to your name-brand flavor of madness descending upon the school like a heavy downpour of chocolate rain. The affected students spoke of terrible traps, haunted hallways, and massive monsters that sound like they got a copy of A. K. Yearling’s first draft of her next Daring Do novel. Gods, I wish it was that simple and clean to explain away.

And it still was, sort of! Thanks to your mandatory “I must cause chaos or I die” handicap, I was able to point out to all of the foam-frothing parental figures barking at me that these insane shenanigans serve as life support for your existence. It took a little more convincing to add on a “No, he isn’t out to kill your children,” at the end, however. Despite how threatening your antics looked and sounded, I knew you were fully in control of the chaos—anything that went wrong did so with you pulling the strings at all times. Granted, if you had any sense of restraint or ability to respect a princess’s decision, regardless of your presence or absence for said decision, you wouldn’t be pulling those strings at all. If the School of Friendship was one of my schools, you’d be sitting in a time-out statue that some bitter foreign leaders would be pleased to see smashed into gravel at any given moment. Yet with the situation as it stands, I must begrudgingly give thanks that no student was seriously harmed under your maddening supervision.

This doesn’t excuse you from acting like a prick when you don’t get your way, but I digress. At least you’re playing nice more often than not, and I can’t ask for much more than that. Other than maybe an apology for causing all of this undue stress to me, the parents, Twilight and company, then Starlight for everything that happened at the school and all the tricks you pulled to make this scenario happen.

On top of that, I’m going to want a second apology for you spoofing a map request on me to do your grocery shopping for you this week. I still did it on principle, but the next time you need somepony to find you a bag of sour sugar, is it too much to ask that you be a little more direct with your request instead of acting like others can read your mind at all times? I get the feeling that will save precious time for everyone, especially for those that have an issue with you abusing tricks and loopholes and basically any other tactic you have that doesn’t include the fundamentals of basic communication skills. It might even give you the opportunity to be less of a jackass than the one you hired as a substitute teacher!

Or don’t. Putting you in a statue again after another stunt like this will certainly uplift my spirits.

Warning You of Potential Reimprisonment,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Should you be re-imprisoned, we might as well make it entertaining. I’ll make a suggestion to Twilight to have you break down into pieces before you’re frozen in stone, then have the affected children build the pose you’ll stay in. Imagine that, a modern art Discord project!

Gah! Sunny, please turn the heat down when you enter. This summer’s hot enough without you melting every ice cream stand in Canterlot! Not just the ice cream, but the stand and all of the accompanying bells and whistles!

No Sunny, I still haven’t let that go. I’ve had to settle for snow cones until we get more ice cream imported. Snow cones! I can’t survive the summer on snow cones.

Frozen coffee creamer is not the same thing, and I’m offended you think it is! But there’s something about that idea that’s…

Wait! I have it. Soft-serve! By the stars, I will survive! I need a blender and a mixer, now!

Friendship is Freedom, Part 1

My faithful student,

I appreciate your concerns about the Summer Sun celebration, but seriously, what makes you think I didn't know about this? I know when I sent my sister to the moon, so the fact that you assume I don't by bringing this up insults me on a rather surprising level.

Twilight, who do you think cleared that information to be put in that book in the first place: me, or Starswirl? Because it's hard to believe somepony just pulled it out of their arse on a whim... unless they did, which is crazy coincidental. Either way, I know of this all the same.

I do not have the spotty memory of janitor Jenkins. Yes, I'm busy, but that doesn't mean my memory is garbage. You speak to a ruler over a millenium old; you would do well to remember this fact instead of jumping to conclusions like you always do.

Oh, and I'm booting you out of the castle indefinitely while I sort out this prophecy you felt the need to remind me of. You know, for... safety reasons. You'll go to Ponyville for your stay; I've already made the suitable arrangements with Mayor Mare. It's a treehouse.

So go on out there. Make some friends, learn how the world works outside of books, and for the love of the greater Gods, save your letters for matters of importance I'm NOT aware of. This fire-resistant ink isn't cheap.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Could you please let Spike know that he left his eggshell in my closet... again?

Friendship is Freedom, Part 2

My faithful student,

First and foremost, props to you. I honestly didn't think you'd make five friends in two days. Frankly I think that's suspect, but if you're comfortable with it, I won't object. They seemed nice for the whole five minutes I spent around them anyway.

Secondly, I extend my gratitude to you for purifying my sister while you caught her completely off-guard.

No, really, you have no idea how lucky you are. She would have trashed everything. I know what a thousand years of madness and pent-up anger feels like; she's chucked a rock at me every night since I banished her. Yes, from the moon.

On an unrelated note, we should play Tennis sometime.

Anyway, Luna's readjusting to the new castle as I write this. Thanks to the completely different layout, she's had to ask me where the throne room is about three times already. I've purposely redirected her to different rooms while the craftsponies I hired tonight are throwing together another throne.

She's probably in the kitchen right now. That'll keep her occupied for a good hour or two.

One last thing. Now that the Elements of Harmony are recovered, I humbly ask that they be submitted into my care for safekeeping. I have a vault set up here in Canterlot. In honesty, I don't trust those being out in the open for anyone to steal. Not that I recall any muggers living in Ponyville, but you never know.

I request you do this before your friends become too attached to their superpowered jewelry. The last thing I want is these harmonious artifacts of magic abused for trifling reasons.

The white one might be hardest to pry it from. I suggest you ask her first.

Love,

Princess Celestia

P.S. I'm sending Spike's eggshell in this letter. The stench is intolerable, and I won't have my room reek of a dragon's den. He is your responsibility, so take care of him appropriately.

Master of Tickets, Part 1

My faithful student,

My, how time flies. One week since you left Canterlot, and no panicked letter requesting my aid? You must have things under control...or you're resting in a straitjacket. It better not be the latter like last time.

Anyway, it just occurred to me that you might be homesick. I mean, I did send you away from Canterlot rather suddenly and almost without notice, so I hope you squeezed in a goodbye to your parents before you rode that balloon out of town. If not, well, I'm sure you left them a letter or something, right? A post-it note, at least.

But regardless if you did or not, I put a surprise in this letter for you. Enclosed are two tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala. You know, the big celebration where a ton of noble ponies kiss my hooves until they prune over. One's for you, and another is for a friend you can bring along.

I sent just one extra because I have no idea if those five ponies you made friends with are just acquaintances or the real deal. Yes, I know they helped with Luna, but anyone can be a hero for five minutes. It takes far longer than that to show good friendship.

Choose wisely, Twilight. There's a reason these tickets are golden and not onyx. No, really. Luna's getting some new regalia fitted for her and demanded ALL the black onyx like it grows on gem trees. At this rate I'll need to renegotiate with the Dogs again, and that never goes well.

I'll see you at the Gala. And remember to dress modestly; sticking a ruler and a bookmark in your hair doesn't count as "classy" attire.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Just Go To Sleep

Dear Twilight,

What kind of friendship report is this?

Twilight, you are friends with a ranch pony that's way too intimate with rope, a cocky weathermare with lofty dreams, an animal caretaker scared of her own shadow--which is also likely scared of her, a fashionista who spends too much time obsessing over gems like the ELEMENT, and an annoying pink anomaly that keeps finding her way into my ro--

Apologies for the cutoff. Thought I heard something. Sounded like a party popper.

Anyway, your friends couldn't possibly be more diverse short of you befriending a zebrican botanist. My question is this: how have you just now learned this lesson? More importantly, didn't you learn this within the first week of your stay after the Nightmare Moon incident?

Now, despite your amazingly delayed reaction to this lesson and your incredible ambiguity of the friends you're referring to--which is smart, actually. You might have saved their lives today--I'm happy you got around to learning this.

Now go to sleep, and don't bother me with a useless report like this again.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, that's NOT funny! Don't scare me like that.

...what do you mean it wasn't you? You're the only one in here besides me!

Well, who else could it--LOCK THE DOORS.

Calling All Cuties

Twilight Sparkle,

Your friendship lesson gave me pause for thought.

Magic is your thing, isn't it? It's the thing you withheld once before in front of your friends with the Ursa Minor incident. But it came out, and now your friendship is stronger because of it.

A younger filly learned this lesson long before you did. Without magic, and if my understanding is correct, without a cutie mark.

I... have no words to say. Truly, you've left me stunned and speechless that a small filly has a better idea of friendship than you did at that age.

Granted, you were buried neck-deep into magic tomes and textbooks at my school, but there were other gifted unicorns there you could have made friends with, right?

Except you didn't, and instead clung to me like a hungry leech in a swamp. And while I have taught you a great many things, friendship is something I cannot teach you.

That is why you are there in Ponyville. To learn what that little filly did, and take it to become a better pony. You can do this; you must do this.

Because the alternative is that I have to start over. And the candidates aren't up to your level. My current best pick is a filly who can blow snot bubbles and morph them into booger art. Provocative and intriguing, but disgusting art.

Promise me you will learn something new next time. Please.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, why do you want to see that? Trust me, it's not worth it.

Yes yes, I know I'm not the lord over your time, but I really do think you could spend it better doing anything but looking at mucus shaped into a tiger lily.

FINE! If you insist, we can browse her gallery of nasal paintings too. Though I warn you now, she sometimes does fresh ones.

Green is Somepony's Color, Just Not Yours

Twilight Sparkle,

You made Spike angry, didn't you? I know this because he wrote a few words in your friendship report. Certain angry, venting words that enlightened me to a shocking fact: you broke a Pinkie Promise.

Pinkie will come by your home tonight. Lock the door, close your windows, double-check that every opening is closed. Even your inside doors: bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, basement. CLOSE. THEM. ALL.

Then sit in the middle of the room. Keep your eyes moving, looking for her. If you see her outside your window, don't look at anything else but her. Smile and wave, try to carry a conversation if you can, but don't look away even for a second. Blinking is safe to do.

If she smiles then walks away, take a deep breath. You're safe for the night, but don't be a fool like me and open anything up just yet. Just sleep in the room as it is, and wait until morning.

But if she gets in the room... you better Pinkie Promise your way out of it somehow. Then honor that promise, like I am now.

I've sent out invitations for my birthday in two days to you and all of your friends. Bring nice gifts and nicer smiles. It IS a birthday long overdue, but don't let that factor in to your gift searching. Anything is appreciated if it gets Pinkie off my arse.

I'll see you in two days. Remember to keep those promises if you want to keep your friends.

And your life.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, my birthday is coming up soon. Do you think you could bake a cake for that?

Moon Cake Surprise? What's the surprise?

No, I guess it wouldn't be if you told me. But will at least taste like your cookies?

Better than those? ...I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Cheesy Muenster Chronicles

My faithful student,

The letter is so cheesy I could throw it in my sandwich and mistake it for aged white cheddar. I hear the rats in the walls scurrying around, waiting until I leave the room to chew this into shreds. And Luna's at the door, mewling like a kitten somehow. She has a thing for cheese, so even she smells it coming off of this--

Luna, stop that scratching! This isn't cheese! It's Twilight's friendship report!

...well, yes, it's technically edible, but you can't eat it! These things are important! Probably!

Luna, just go to the kitchen if you want cheese that badly! Or make your moon cheese! You can do that, right? I don't care, do something besides kicking my door down!

...ahem, my apologies. Where was I?

Ah yes, seeing rainbows, future friends seeing the same thing you are. Well, yes, I'm sure on some level everypony is going to see something at one point and their future friends might also be looking at it, even if they don't know you yet. Cute conclusion, even if it's a tad lacking in scope.

Because, technically, wouldn't your enemies also see something like that too? You can't like everypony you meet, because some you'll come across just won't want to be your friend, or worse, your foe.

You'll also run out of bucks to give before you reach the hundredth "friend" you find. Trust me on that; compassion exhaustion is a thing that happens to those that spend too much time tending to the needy or being too friendly... or just being here for a long, long time. And day court multiplies that feeling of a long time passing exponentially.

Every time I hear something ridiculous in my court, the same recurring thought enters my head: "Well, now you've heard everything." No. I haven't, and they're going to prove me wrong without fail. Stupid is eternal.

You'll understand this one day, my student. You'll be in some kind of situation where you're stuck listening to dumb problems devoid of common sense. I'm not sure when, but it will happen. And when it does, you'll really know what it means to give a buck about something.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Luna, for the last time, this letter is not for eati--

That is a giant cheese wheel. I hate to ask, but where did you even get that?

You took it from the dungeon?! That's for Larry the Giant Rat! Luna, if he doesn't get that cheese, our sewer system will go to... Just take it back!

Lesson Absolute Zero

My faithful student,

I wasn't disappointed.

I knew my day was going to go swimmingly well when Spike sent me a letter showing me how much more aware he was of you than your friends were. He told me you'd lost your ever-loving mind over not sending me a friendship report, speculating over my supposed punishment and desperately trying to find some lesson to learn, all to have everything culminate in you casting the second of the three forbidden spells of magic on your mother's hoof-stitched doll. The first you are well aware of, as are all of my maids that now use brushes instead of brooms. With this kind of track record, I'm thankful you don't know the third spell.

Twilight, you not sending me a friendship report was never the end of the world. I told you this earlier, but it bears repeating. Seriously, it does. Honestly, if I got a report from Mayor Mare saying everything is going well and you didn't send me anything, my week would have been completely set. But you somehow conjured the thought in your head that sending friendship reports was mandatory, which is true. If you had something to learn, that is.

If you sent me a letter saying you learned nothing at all and were just earnest and apologetic about it, I would have happily clarified this situation for you and saved you all the trouble. "What if I don't have a friendship report to send to you?" is a perfectly valid question to ask, Twilight, and just like the tickets so long ago, I'm surprised you didn't ask this sooner.

But what isn't a valid solution is making a problem out of nothing, which you did. In doing so, you nearly took an entire town with you into your madness over just ONE tardy report. When did I even mention the word "tardy" for these reports, anyway?

But I won't ream you further for this mistake. I saw the look on your face in that library, pleading for forgiveness and showing clarity that you knew what you did was unspeakably wrong. That was enough to show me you were fully aware of how low you sunk, so me adding onto that any more would be... forgive the term, beating a dead horse.

If there is some good to gain from this, your calamitous outburst ended up serving as a wonderful vector for your friends to understand that maybe they should actually pay attention to you instead of being cynical, suspicious, or just plain mocking and ludicrous. Seriously, them telling me about how badly they screwed up over neglecting your screw-up was the icing on the cake for today.

As such, I saw fit to punish them accordingly by having them do what you do, because you being a middlemare for half of your friendship lessons was very much unnecessary to try and show me how much you're learning. Now that that's settled, I'll expect reports to come in whenever instead of this "weekly" business so you don't have to worry about making sure that's part of your schedule. So long as I get substantial friendship reports that show somepony learned a lesson, this shouldn't be a problem at all.

I have my doubts, but I'm trying to keep a positive outlook in that this punishment won't come back to bite my arse.

Love,

Princess Celestia

No, Luna, that doesn't mean you should send me letters from your room.

Because we live in the same castle! You can just tell me directly instead of wasting good ink and paper!

Look, Luna, if you want us to start sending things back and forth between each other, it might as well be something fun.

Correspondence chess sounds lovely. Oh, but dibs on white.

The Best Pet is Subjective. Also, Phoenix is Best Pet.

Dear Rainbow Dash,

I applaud you. You've given me more context than any letter I've received so far, even if my first and foremost recommendation is to pull your head out of the clouds and shove it in a dictionary so you know what the term "tenacity" means. I don't mind it being pretty much double the length, but you don't have to be so wordy. Twilight can help with that.

I still can't believe how much I can deduce from this letter. You went looking for pets with strong qualities, but ultimately decided on a pet with a can-do attitude. And it's a tortoise! For once, I finally understand mostly everything behind how you learned the lesson!

Everything except for how you got a can-do attitude from such a tepid creature. But given that Philomena lights candles for me at night without my asking, perhaps your new pet did something for you that mattered without your order.

Such an act, no matter the scale of the action, should be greatly appreciated. That's the sign of a pet that cares for you as much as you do to them. Or will do, in your case. Loyalty begets loyalty, Rainbow Dash.

Speaking of pets, Luna's looking for one. She's immensely jealous of my bird, so she's looking for one of her own.

Please pass this on to Fluttershy--I presume she is the one who facilitated your pet adoption. Luna is looking for a Corvus raven, a bird of the stars. It has a wingspan roughly the size of three ponies head to flank, and black feathers with white dots interspersed to mimic the night sky. It even has its own rebirth cycle by bursting from its chest in a violent fashion and--

Wait, wrong page. It actually rises from the shadow it casts upon death. But seriously, that other rebirth was morbid. What even--

Oh. Wow, that thing is ugly. You don't want to see this... or hear about it, so I'll wrap this up. Just pass along that information about the bird and see if Fluttershy knows anything. If not, ask Twilight. She'll have a copy of "Nightcrawlers: Creatures that Creep, Crawl, and Live Under Starry Skies." It's page 35.

Do not read page 34.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Evening, Luna. What brings you in here besides that distasteful Trot Topics magazine?

Something I need to see? Oh, this should be rich. Did the paparazzi blow up my arse again? Because I swear to the gods, it is NOT that huge!

...that's a giant pile of gems. With Sapphire Shores sitting on them, dressed in enough gems to be an hors d'oeuvre for a dragon.

"This pile of gems isn't altered. It's actually a donation from an overly doting fan." Oh, so that's what's going on.

Well, looks like Rarity and I have a different discussion now. Luna, tell the Dogs the cafe date's cancelled.

Don't Trash My Elite Suite, Part 2

Twilight Sparkle,

I was wondering when you were going to write to me about your birthday party. I would have sent you a lovely present and everything, but this request of yours is even better.

Of course I'll let you have your birthday here, Twilight. What sort of ruler would I be if I didn't handout a few concessions to my best student from time to time, especially when you worded it so nicely? "Can I have my party at your place, please?" So classy.

Given that Rarity is still here--I'm slightly disappointed she didn't have time for me in her schedule, but then again, neither did I--I'm sure she'll be delighted to see you and your friends come so you'll all be able to celebrate your birthday together.

To top things off, I'll even let you have the ballroom. Janitor Jenkins has already cleaned up the mess from the last party, so you're free to decorate and mess it up as you please. Make it a blast; a big one, at that!

Oh, but the only caveat is that it'll be right next to the garden party I'm also hosting the same night for a few... nobles. However, I'm certain there won't be any issues with that arrangement. None at all.

I'll see you when you arrive, my student. Oh, and tell Pinkie to pack extra streamers. Seems like a silly thing to ask, but I'm certain she'll easily accommodate it.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Whew, no Luna in sight. She stole one of my cupcakes, but I still have three--

Two. There’s… there’s two left.

Luna, remove that confection from your aura this instant!

No no! Don't you do it! Don't you open your mouth!

Last chance, sister! Put your tongue back in your mouth and away from the vanilla frosting. I mean it, don’t you take a bi--

...okay. So you want to play hardball? Alright, I'm game.

The Super Seedy Cider Squeezy 9001

Dear Applesack,

What... what is this?

This letter you wrote is... nothing. Just... you learned nothing, told me you learned nothing, and borderline bragged about not learning anything when the whole point of these letters is to write that you learned something. Anything! Even a fake lesson would have been fine! Yes, that would be a white lie, but I would have preferred that over this... this thing!

Look, I know you have the most common sense out of everypony in town--yes, more than even Granny and the Mayor--but this letter slaps that notion in the face. That, and telling me about how good your common sense is means nothing when I've been exposed to so little in day court I wonder if it's even common sense to show up there at all, or put my crown on a pillow and throw it in my chair. At this point, I don't believe they can tell the difference.

Appleyak, there's something about honesty you should know by now, and that's when to realize when it's appropriate to be honest, and when it's better to say nothing. In the case of these letters, they're meant for when you learn something. That "something" should never be "nothing," because that defeats the purpose. I know you're normally blunt, but that doesn't mean you should make this pointless.

I warn you once, and once only: do not waste my time again, or I'll send you a copy of the transcript from one of my day courts. That will be a solid hundred-page brick of words that waste the ink that wrote them. I honestly feel terrible for Quick Quill; he hates recording that garbage more than I do reading the words, and I don't blame him.

Also, I formally request that you get off of Granny's case when she leaves the house for our drinking nights. She's a grown mare capable of making her own decisions, and I'm there with her just in case she makes terrible ones. Trust me when I say that I make sure she doesn't get any tattoos on her flank; she considered it once before I told her that the word "juicy" probably isn't the best thing for the grandchildren to see. And great grandchildren.

I apologize in advance for that mental image and any bodily reactions that follow.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Luna, why are you holding a feather?

No, I don't have any tattoos. Did one of the maids tell you tha--don't bring that feather close to me!

Haa haa, you... you won't find anything! I--ehee--I mean it, Luna! Stop--AHAAHAA!

Author's Note

Note: Starting today, updates will slow down to every other day. Writing a sidestory for these letters, for those unaware, and it features the drunk adventures of three old mares.

Hey, that rhymed! Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I've got some more writing to do.

Bonus: Burnt Notice

From the desk of Princess Celestia.

Dear Spike,

Please tell Twilight to stay away from the dragon migration grounds. You don't know what happened the last time she visited sacred dragon grounds, and it's better you don't know until you're older. Just kindly pass along this warning to her, and if she still doesn't heed it, I'll give her a VERY personal lecture on how not to act around adult dragons.

Also, if Fluttershy is present, pass along the reminder that she's the town dragon watch, so I expect her to do her best today in regards to keeping Ponyville safe. If Granny's barn burns down again, I'll get an essay from her griping about dragonfire for half a day, so please please please make sure she does her job. I have enough on my plate today as is making sure Luna doesn't shout at the dragons.

She is a big fan of dragons. Too big, actually. Her "HELLO" greetings are so booming they screw up the dragon's flight path and send them crashing to the ground, and wouldn't you know that that causes problems for them? Big, diplomatic problems resulting from an interrupted migration thanks to my sister's big mouth?

When that happened, the dragons crashed into the ground deep enough to dig a ravine so wide we had to build bridges over it to reestablish a trade path in the south. Dubbed by our people as the Dragon's Trench, the dragons received a grim reminder of what happened that day.

I'm praying she doesn't remember today is the day of the migration, and I've been distracting her with just about anything I can think of this afternoon. Doing each other's make-up, playing games, the like. So long as she doesn't know, everything will be fi--

GAH! Luna, how long were you there?

No, of course today isn't the day of the migration! You just heard things wrong!

Luna, don't go out that balcony. Don't you do it! There's nothing to see--

Ponyfeathers!

I'm Never Hosting Weddings Again, Part 1

Shining Armor,

So, you came up to me today and asked to wed my darling Cadance. Just strode up to me in day court and proudly professed your love for her in front of an audience. The pregnant silence following your declaration came as you waited for my response, as did the rest of the nobles biting their hooves over the possibly lost prospect of marrying my treasured niece.

Boy, you got some balls that, for the past few years, I thought were missing. Never in my dreams did I foresee such a bold move on your part when I recall her first experience dating you described as talking to a wall with nerdy scribbles written on it. But putting me on the spot right there, something nopony had done for centuries... that took guts. Real guts.

I'll be honest; the only reason I said "no" right then and there was because I needed to confirm it with Cadance to see if it was really true. Although I already knew that--she sent me letters once a week that just would NOT shut up about how much she adores you--I needed to hear it from her lips, in person.

And do you know what she said? She couldn't bear to live another day without you. She genuinely loves you with all her heart, and believes you feel the same. She even foresees living the rest of her days with you in true happiness, peaceful days, and other sappy gobbledygook words of endearment that screamed at me how much she loves you.

Therefore, you have my permission to wed her. Not that you needed it--she's of age, and you could have a done a secret wedding at Cheapy Steeple over in Las Pegasus. But since you decided to be braver than that, oh proud Captain of my guard, I'll even host the wedding here. Oh, but it'll have to happen soon. Within three days, at least.

You've got some invitations to send, so you better get on that, but I'll just leave one last bit of advice:

If you break her heart, you and Brutus are going to have a Sticks and Stones competition. And he will break a bone.

Love,

Princess Celestia

...what is that noise? It sounds like a giant mosquito.

Luna, you hear that too? Good, then it's not just me and--okay, that noise is REALLY bugging me.

Shush, you know I didn't mean that pun. Anyway, get your fly swatter ready, Luna. We're stamping this thing out, because I do NOT want bugs ruining the wedding!

How Many Pinkies Does It Take to Screw with a Princess?

Pinkamena Doppelganger Pie,

What were you even thinking?!

There are so many clones of you in this castle, it's not even funny. They won't leave, and they're all staring at me, screaming fun in my face and--will all of you SHUT UP already?!

I've been casting the return postage spell on these things nonstop for the past ten hours, and it's exactly as inefficient as it sounds. I only stopped to write this letter to address the root of the problem--put Brutus down this instant! He is NOT a toy! Ahem, at this point I only hope the 'real' Pinkie I'm writing to right now isn't here in the room with me, because that would lead to a most unfortunate accident.

Why do you even know about the mirror pool? Wait, no, that's obvious. Better question: why did you think using it was even a good idea? Because you couldn't make a choice for yourself, you made copies of you to do the stuff you wanted to do with everypony so they didn't feel left out?

That's a very noble intent, yes, but the execution leaves something strongly desir--STOP EATING MY HAIR! For the LAST time, it does not taste like toothpaste! I don't care if yours tastes like cotton candy, eat yours and not mine!

Gods help the Pinkies that are with Luna right now. I haven't heard her since the pink clone invasion started, and usually that is a very bad sign given her loudmouth tendencies. I can only hope she is safe and out of harm's way, because your clones are relentless.

Wait, I am hearing something. It's a... marching band?

Oh dear gods, they found the music room! And unlike your wonderful one-mare band, they're all playing the instruments terribly! I haven't heard music this terrible in... well, two days since the nobles sung a song about how saving funds is fun, in reaction to some ponies recently evicted from their apartments.

Cuppa offered the evicted ponies free coffee. Shows how much of a heart he's got to make up for the heartless.

Anyway, I now have a musical massacre to try and fix before things get out of hoof. If you're home, stay home. Things are going to get ugly in my castle halls tonight, and you don't want to be caught in the crossfire.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Alright, you cheap knockoffs of the Horror of Ponyville, you want some fun?!

Good, because we're about to play a game. And I play for keeps.

Petsitting: It's Not Just for Ponies

Dearest Spike,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm not surprised to hear that you relapsed into a bit of greedy behavior after your previous incident, but the fact that everything worked out in the end is of great benefit to you at this time.

You face an uphill battle dealing with this greedy behavior, Spike, and that appetite of yours is something you MUST keep in check, because if you don't, you'll find yourself going back for more and more until mere satisfaction is no longer attainable.

That's not to say you should swear off gems altogether. Gems are a staple food source for dragons, but like all things, it is to be taken in moderation. Too much of a good thing can be as detrimental as little or none at all.

You've been good about your diet thus far, but be wary of little cheat days like today. You don't see me eating a whole ten-layer cake every day, do you? Of course not--I do it every three days.

And a word of advice: if you find yourself getting a bit pudgy, find something to do in ten minutes of free time to get a bit of exercise in, then keep at it daily. I know you're usually busy most of the day hanging with your special pony or reorganizing Twilight's books for the umpteenth time, but everypony has ten minutes to spare at some point in their day. I know I do--those moments I use to keep fit by fencing with Jenkins. That old coot's really good with his mop, and he takes no quarter. I respect him for that, and respond in kind with Brutus. He's currently up by five victories, but today, I'll make that four for sure.

Anyway, find a moment to squeeze in some active activity, do it daily, and the rewards will come in time. Keep in touch, my little dragon, and if you find yourself lost, you know who to write to. Don't forget, however, that Twilight is there too, and she'll do what she can to help when she's actually paying attention.

Love,

Princess Celestia

Hello, Luna. Please tell me you got rid of that drag--

Two. There's two of them behind you. What did you do?

Okay, I'm not even sure if saving a dragon's life in a dream counts for the life debt, but this is the exact opposite of dissolving a life debt. It's dou--

Luna, wipe that smirk off your face! I know what you're going to say, and don't say it! DO. NOT.

Bonus Letter: Dear Discord...

Dear Discord,

I thank you for your most generous gift. Ten thousand chocolate Lunacanes is quite a heartwarming present to receive in such stressful times as these. Not for me, but for my sister. She's been nibbling on her desk in frustration the past few weeks, and thanks to your present, I was more than happy to give her something else to chew on besides mahogany.

Although, I suspected you had known I would share these. I mean, really, did you expect me to eat them all by myself? I may not plow through desserts like Celestia can, but that doesn’t mean I should start. Despite my fondness for sweets, I eat in moderation, but that rate will see these chocolate canes expire long before I eat them all.

So I gave them to some of Celestia's Royal Guards and my Thestral Guard. That was when I found out you'd mixed in some varieties with rather delightful treats, much like a box of assorted chocolates. Some contained caramel, others nougat. Just last night, I bit into one and discovered it had toothpaste filling. You crazy coot, you know that delivers a mixed message.

Thus, in response to your gift, you should have received a rather large shipment of pies today. Each one I've lovingly made either all by myself or with Celestia's help. You'll find they're stuffed quite heartily with berries of all kinds, with each pie containing a different berry. There should be two hundred pies in all--if some are missing, let me know, and I'll address the post office accordingly.

But in keeping with the spirit of your chocolate surprise canes, I won't tell you which pies have which berries in them, nor will you see even what kind of berries they are. With some crafty food coloring and magic, the fillings all have the same color and general appearance, but I've preserved the appropriate flavor and textures. The only way you'll know is to try them yourself or dispel the magic, but where's the fun in the latter?

Of course, you're free to share the pies at your leisure. I'm certain Fluttershy would appreciate a slice or two, given how I've seen you dream of teatime with her lately. I'm certain her friends would also appreciate the gesture as well, even if your relationship with them is more one of tolerance than friendship.

It probably doesn't help that you've been throwing darts at Twilight's face on a dartboard, either. I understand your slight animosity towards her--she's still quite skeptical of you and your intentions as well, if her dreams of shooting you to the moon are any indicator. It took me a few minutes to collect myself after seeing that, so you two should really try to talk things out and maybe try to foster friendship a bit better. If not, I will have you two sit down in a room a week from now to settle this.

With that warning out of the way, Discord, have fun with my Mystery Berry Pie Surprise.

Sincerely,

Princess Luna

Tia, we talked about this. I didn't have enough Moon Berries for a second pie.

Ooh, I knew I shouldn't have given you a taste. You really want me to make another?

Fine, but I'll need a night to harvest them. Despair doesn't grow on trees, you know.

Rainbow's Not the Only One Who's Fallen and Can't Get Up

Captain Spitfire,

You're amazingly brazen. Do you know that? Flat-out attempting to steal Rainbow Dash from her team to replace Soarin after an injury? It's so forward with deceitful tact that I almost thought this report from the judges on your behavior was a joke.

It was not.

You know that the event was judged, right? The judges actively go around the grounds inspecting the competing teams--seeing their exercise routines, monitoring their meals, things personal trainers would normally do in consideration of this physical event. They're not all doe-eyed idiots--er, except for one, who's an actual doe. And even she could clearly see your behavior.

They still let you participate once Soarin came back from medical, but this behavior was so egregious on your behalf they felt the need to let me know that my head Captain of the Wonderbolts' actions are lacking in subtlety. It was probably as bad as my sister with her megaphone calmly addressing the nobles as to why one night came two, TWO minutes late.

"DON'T YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN NITPICK MY NIGHTTIME?!"

"NO!" They shouted back.

Nobles: can't live with them, wish I could live without them.

I digress. Spitfire, what you've done today is something I cannot ignore. Even if you took away something from Rainbow Dash's loyalty today, I can't just let you go with a slap on the hoof and walk off without drilling a lesson into your head on proper attitude towards fellow students/competitors.

So, you'll attend a noble etiquette class that Luna's teaching tomorrow evening, where she will cover all sorts of helpful topics like basic pony decency to other creatures, proper times to flaunt your wealth (hint: never, because you always look like an arsehole), and a baking class. You know, because sharing baked goods puts smiles on everypony's faces.

Well, I don't know about Luna's baking giving smiles, but the idea is there. Anyway, there is no worming your way out of this. If you're not there, Luna will get you in class via express delivery by a pair of ivory white talons.

And judging from the screams I heard, you don't want those.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

Hm? Sure, Luna. I can spare a bit of time trying out one of your lessons.

You're starting it with a pop quiz?! But I didn't even study! I don't even know what it's on!

Fine. Question 1: If you find a baby in an unattended carriage sucking a lollipop, you...

A. Take the candy and tell the baby it's unhealthy, then take a puff from your pipe/cigarette.

B. Berate the parent when they return for being negligent while the baby's crying, for added parental guilt.

C. Throw money at it, because that solves all of life's problems.

D. File a formal complaint to Celestia asking for unattended babies to be held accountable for public disturbances when they cry.

E. All of the above.

Inspiration Manifestation, Classification: Beautification

Mayor Mare,

Do you know what the trouble is with having secret passageways in your castle? They have to be built, and the only way they're kept secret is if you do it yourself, and no one stumbles across them during construction.

Or, if you're like me and somewhat naive, you hire a small crew of dedicated workers to build the passages, and expecting them to strictly uphold to your specifications without any deviations.

Gods, the foremare was so obnoxious back then, and I can't remember her name. It wasn't Hula Hoop, but I think that's close. Agh, it's right on the tip of my tongue, but she was so, SO persistent to deal with when she wasn't doing her job.

She always wanted to challenge us in some way or another, magic or otherwise. Even tried to force us to compete by "trapping" us, then demanding a competition like some kind of demented achievement hunter.

"I bet you can't eat more bananas than me!" she screamed at me through the sack opening when I tripped down a set of stairs. Ah, what a day that was. Truly, her behavior was adorable, if somewhat problematic at times.

Thinking on it, I'm certain that book was hers, probably made after the time she hosted a beauty contest to try and beat us in good looks. Only she would make something so devoted to a startlingly blunt interpretation of "beauty's in the eye of the beholder." Not even Starswirl would be so selfish, and he invented a beard-trimming spell for exceptionally long beards, for crying out loud!

Still, I would have picked a better spot to stash such a powerful book. If I had to hide it, I wouldn't have had it sitting alone in an ominous room heralding the fact that it's probably something not to be touched, which would practically offer it on a silver platter to anyone that stumbled across it and felt like touching.

Seriously, I looked at the room afterward, and there's no way I had asked for any room to have a bottomless pit. None! Why would I need one? Granted, it would be a fantastic trash chute, but the risk is too great for other non-trash things.

No, it would never be that obvious for a relic that needed three princesses to undo the damage it had caused. Why, I'd stash it in the library itself behind one of the bookshelves backed up against the wall, crammed in the small crevice between the two. Noone with any kind of sense would try to claim a book so rigorously hidden short of moving around the whole shelf or wrecking the library, and who would have the sense to do that?

Er, this is just hypothetical, mind you. I'm just thinking of a better hiding spot that doesn't require some elaborate locking mechanism and a room torn out of Sombra's Interior Design Catalog. There's certainly nothing there worth your time, Mayor. Or Twilight's. Both of you have a busy schedule to keep with those damages after this incident, and I fully expect Ponyville to be back to normal within a few weeks.

Well, "normal" meaning... you know what I mean.

Keep calm, take deep breaths, and you'll get through this week, Mayor. I'm certain nothing worse can happen to you beyond Rarity deciding your attire needing to look so business-formal it makes my sister's secretary uniform look outdated. I still can't believe she kept that.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

Luna, do you remember that foremare from over a thousand years ago? The one we hired to make the secret passages?

Yeah, the one that insisted on wearing a stage cloak, and shunned hardhats.

Oh great, you don't have a name either. Well, you know who I'm talking about. Did she ever build any other rooms you know of?

Not even the underground hot spring?

Oh please, that wasn't so secret at all. That foremare had a big thing for peepholes, and that's how I found out. She really had some serious obsession problems, and--

L-Luna? Are you okay? Calm down, I'm sure they weren't used that way!

Ponyfeathers, there she goes again. Might as well prepare to explain to the astronomists why the moon has another crater in it again.

Amending a Key Problem, Fencing In Another

Princess Twilight,

It recently occurred that I'd been so busy with things here in Canterlot with managing nobles, my sister, and keeping ourselves in check that I hadn't kept any good maintenance on your old tower since the Tirekt incident. Not the one you slept in at the Summit--that tower is super clean, especially after I had the maids make sure not an ounce of dragon fear musk was left. You probably didn't smell it because you're used to it, but trust me, it was there.

Anyway, I tried visiting the old tower this week, but I hit a snag. The spare key I had to your tower was gone.

It wasn't stolen, at least not in the sense of somepony else stealing it. A close associate of mine found the key and decided to try it out on EVERY door to see which one it opened. "If there's a key, there's a lock!" she declared with a sparkle in her eye and a gleeful smile reminiscent of a filly going on a scavenger hunt. I couldn't stay too mad at her for that--I didn't tell her what it went to yet.

However, she did lose the key somewhere in the Canterlot commons, so I can't enter your tower anymore. At least not without breaking a window, but that'll just invite trouble. Anyway, in case you're worried about security, you might want to have the lock changed on the door. Just let me know, and I'll get a locksmith out there to get it changed ASAP.

Oh, and if you want somepony else to have a set of spare keys, I'll need a number on the spare keys to make and distribute properly. I don't want my faux-pas to be the reason some of your books mysteriously vanish while you're away, along with anything else valuable you may keep in there.

I look forward to a prompt reply on this matter, especially considering you still have a few special books here and there I'm certain are worth keeping.

Sincerely and apologetically,

Princess Celestia

Ah, there you are! Did you find the key yet?

I figured as much. Well, don't worry. I'll have it covered later, but you really must control yoursel--

That's a box of apology donuts, isn't it? Ponyfeathers, you really do know me too well.

I know how obvious that is! Just pass me a donut already!

Bonus: Addressing Past and Present Sins, to Prepare for the Future

My Dear Sister,

When you told me you were fine the night you returned to me, I had believed it was true. I did. After everything you had gone through, hearing that you wished to put everything behind you... it put me at ease.

Then Mayor Mare had told me of what happened last night. Of how this massive spectral beast born of your fear, and fed off of your guilt, had nearly overwhelmed you. Thankfully, nothing serious had happened, but let me be honest in saying that I am disturbed by what happened, Luna.

I know why you didn't talk to me about this. You didn't want me to get involved with something you thought you bore all the blame for. This was solely your problem, so only you could take care of it. And had I heard of it, you knew I wouldn't approve of it either. You had a lot of this thought out fairly well, I must admit. But you forgot one thing.

I am your sister. It is ALWAYS okay to talk to me about any problems you might have. I don't care if the problem is with me, the maids, the nobles, or the pink paint splotch in your bathroom that is growing bigger every day--if you tell me about it, I promise I will listen and respond accordingly. And if it's a problem you have with yourself, I will absolutely find time to sit down and speak with you about it. If I can't find time, I'll make it.

But before I can do that, we need to talk about this in person. I can't simply write a letter and tell you everything I need to say here; there are some words you need to hear directly from me, and I need to hear some words directly from you.

I'll be in my chambers tonight. You are not the only one to still bear sins from that tragic night so long ago, and if we are truly able to move on from this, then we must be candid with each other on this matter. No more hiding, no more secrets. We get it all out in the open, and settle this now before it resurfaces.

That, and we're going to hug this out. I'll squeeze hard, no lie, so you better squeeze harder. And we're going to wring each other's tears out until no more can be shed. It'll hurt, but it'll be a good hurt, and when all's said and done...

...everything will be alright.

I'll see you soon, Luna.

Love,

Celestia

Tia Two, get down from there! I need you to do something for me. Yes, it’s very important.

Find Luna Two and bring her here. We’re going to have a good, long talk about a few things neither of you know of. And after what happened last night, it’s time for that to change.

Well, I hadn’t thought of Alicorn Twister, but sure. I don’t think it could hurt to have some fun afterward.

The One Where Pinkie Pie Knows I Know Because Mayor Mare Knows I Know Pinkie Pie Knows, You Know?

Mayor Mare,

I thought you were good at keeping secrets. I mean, between us and Granny, we managed to stay hush-hush about the vanishing forest, breaking into the Rainbow Factory with a bag of potato chips, egging Discord's house, raiding a chicken coop to get said eggs...

Granted, for all of those, we had done a Pinkie Promise to keep quiet about it, which I'm guessing you didn't do for a certain secret I would have loved to hear in person from my niece.

And yet despite this glaringly obvious fault...

Ohmygosh ohmygosh OH MY GOSH! I get to be a great aunt! Okay, okay, calm yourself Celestia. This isn't too big a deal... but dear me, I am going to spoil that child of theirs. I know it--they're going to be swimming in so many baby toys it'll be more fun than a ball pit.

I'll even give them the full cake experience. Princess Cake? Prince Cake? A cake with fruit in it that's not fruitcake? I'll find out which to start baking soon enough.

Oh, but now I have to pretend to act surprised when Cadance comes by with the news. That's... going to be difficult. Teaching Cadance how to spot fake emotions is really going to bite me in the flank on this one.

...or will it?

Well, don't worry, Mayor Mare. You may have shared this secret with me, but I don't think it'll ruin the surprise. After all, I'm the only one here that knows, but I can think of a few that don't know--

Gah! Luna! Uh, how's your afternoon going?

Oh, well, that would be you, our significant 'others'... look, if I told you, it would ruin things even more than how botched it is now.

What? No, it's not another millennial evil. Or even a centurial one! It's a good thing, very... important, but it can also wait. Just... promise me you won't pry into my dreams on this one. I mean it.

Thank you. And before you go, do you happen to know where Sunny is? ...Bathing with the birds in the garden? Well, it could be worse. She could be bathing in the Fountain Square. Anyway, thanks again, Luna. I'll go get her later.

Whew. I guess keeping a secret like this really will be a nightmare, in a sense. Wish me luck, Mayor. I'll need it.

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

Suggestions from an Aggravated Factory Worker

Flim-Flam Employee Suggestion Form

First Name: Celestia

Last Name (leave blank if single name):

Occupation: Princess, Barn Brand Conveyor Line Worker

Supervisor: Princess Luna, Barn Brand Team Leader

Are Flim and Flam the greatest entrepreneurs ever? If “Yes,” what are you doing writing on this form? Get back to work!

If “No,” then by all means, please tell us all about how your idea could possibly help improve our global marketing monopoly any further. We sincerely doubt this, but do give it your best shot.

Your answer: No.

Flim and Flam,

I’ve had it with this hideous arrangement of yours. I thought I was doing my ponies a service by lowering myself to their level, to prove that a Princess can last under your grueling work conditions.

I can see now how terrible a mistake that was.

I should have known it was a terrible sign when I was told I’d have to work my way up the corporate ladder if I even so much as wanted to sniff the position of regional manager. Apparently, thousands of years of experience running an entire nation wasn’t applicable because it wasn’t experience earned under a Flim-Flam owned company, so I had to start off as a conveyor line worker. With a policy like that, I honestly wonder how you hired for those positions in the first place, but no matter. I proudly took my place on the line.

It was, and still is, the worst position in the history of my life living here in Canterlot.

In the process of making a Flim-Flam Barn Brand Bran Bar, you waste so much bran making a single bar that I come to my castle leaving a feed trail from the factory all the way to my bedroom. Despite the use of hairbands to keep my mane and tail away from the machinery, both of those catch and store enough unused bran after my shift is over for me to make two dozen bran muffins when I get home. That’s how much bran circulates around your factory--and yes, the ScootAir air conditioners are fully functioning. They’re still terrible at doing the one thing they should be doing right.

And then there are your Presidents! I know not what particular brand of Apple Blooming Cider you drank to dream up the notion that children are fully capable of such a position, nor do I condone the use of candy pay raises in the face of hideous dental benefits that barely pay for our toothbrushes. Oh sure, the children are all for it, but adult ponies can’t live off of Barn Brand Bran Bars and bags of figurative (sometimes literal) sugar.

As for the Sweetie Chic uniform I was required to wear? The seamwork was so poor I’ve had to get it repaired at least fifteen times in these past few months. And I swear each repair is specifically done so the uniform would last for hardly two weeks before breaking in the same area again: my flank.

These travesties upon the good ponies will not stand, Flim and Flam. I cannot in good conscience allow such cheapness to persist, but per our agreement of staying like this for a full year, the most I’m allowed to do at this time is write this formal complaint addressing some of the more dubious standards and policies. But when that year expires, I hope you have a mid-size army of lawyers to defend your sleazy decisions and wanton destruction of the land to clear the way for that new, massive strip mall in the valley.

Best regards,

Princess Celestia

Hello Luna. Let me guess, you want to talk about the bran in my hair, right?

What? Luna, I am NOT selling out like that! Making princess bran muffins is unethical, not to mention questionably edible!

Yes, I know the bars are already questionable since they also taste like tree bark, but at least they're sanitary! They'd be eating my HAIR if they ate my muffins! Does that not mean anything to you?

I don't care if you've repurposed your hair into children's wallpaper! I have standards to maintain!

A "Day" Off For a Princess is "Mostly" Impossible

Dear Aloe,

Firstly, I wish to thank you for letting me use your steam room this afternoon before ponies started forming a line at the door. You and I both know that I don’t need that much steam to relax and get refreshed, but I know how to make the smaller things work.

But imagine my surprise when out of nowhere, the steam room suddenly received a huge burst of steam! I did wonder when you were going to get that leaky pipe fixed--seriously now, you simply HAD to have noticed it and called in a repair pony for such a glaringly obvious fault in your system, so I didn’t bother asking you about it. Besides, it seemed like there were other ponies in need of pampering besides me, so I surely couldn’t be wrong in assuming you would get that leaky pipe fixed, right?

I’m probably wrong there, but I don’t care. However, what I do care about is exactly how unprofessional the pipe repair was. Aloe, are you serious? After all that time spent waiting on a repair, you get an amateur repair job that looks like a DIY duct tape fix?! How could you have not hired a professional? You hired a big, bulky deep tissue masseur (who does wonders for my back, Aloe. Don’t you dare fire that miracle workhorse unless he wants to quit), but somehow couldn’t afford to call an experienced plumber?

Also, you DO know that working on a pressurized steam pipe is dangerous, right? Because if you didn’t know, whoever did your repair should have! That is the sort of negligence that can melt a pony’s face like a burning wax aromatherapy candle! It’s a danger not only to yourself and the dim bulb you hired to fix it, but to any other staff and patrons that happened to be near the leaking pipe, assuming that your mechanical master also neglected some basic safe space protocols.

Thinking about whoever fixed your pipe is honestly leaving me flustered beyond my suspense of utter disbelief. Aloe, I swear to you, I will find out who made that shoddy repair to your pipe. I will unearth their name, make the most concentrated of efforts to memorize it and imprint it in my mind once and for all. Mark my words, I will never forget it or get it wrong beyond this point!

And when I do, I’m going to write them the sternest of criticisms regarding their deplorable work in “fixing” your pipe with a repair that’s lucky to last even a full month, at best. If this was truly their best work, it’s an insult to those that practice this craft for a living. I’ll be sure to let them know all about how grave their mistakes were in this repair, because as it stands their work is borderline unacceptable.

Anyway, you need not concern yourself with my complaints about their handiwork. So long as it works for you at the moment, then by all means keep it working. But do get a professional to actually stop by and do a real repair that has a life expectancy of a few years at minimum, hm?

Now, before I close this letter out, I wish to book an appointment next month. Same time as usual, and tell Mister Bulk my aching shoulders will be waiting for him.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

~~~

Dear Mayor Mare,

You missed our spa date this week.

Look, I know we’re both busy mares that typically don’t have a lot of time to spare in our schedules. Given how much I have to manage, you know how much I value my free time and how much I love spending it with you and Granny, but I know your plate can get fairly full as well. Granny simply had far too much to do today, but as far as I knew you didn’t have that much to get done. Or so you told me in your response to my spa invitation, at least.

But now after you told me you had suddenly received stacks of paperwork you simply couldn’t ignore, I’m a bit miffed you didn’t tell me sooner. You do know that, as a friend, I’m more than willing to aid you with your work so you’d actually have some free time to spend with me later? And it’s paperwork, Mayor! Paperwork! I essentially live for that these days!

Instead, you went off to your work unannounced and I got stuck in my other spa treatments. Needless to say, it wasn’t as fun or thrilling to do without you, but I’m actually more disappointed in myself that I didn’t take up more of an effort to discover what was taking you so long and then actually cutting into my spa time to help you get some of yours. I was miffed you couldn’t make it, but I also feel like a jackass for not even trying to offer my assistance to you, however big or little of a benefit it may have had for you.

So please, the next time you’re swamped on one of our dates, don’t hesitate to ask if you need help. Otherwise, I might just have to see if you need help myself. That’s what good friends are for, right?

Friends Forever,

Princess Celestia

Luna, how does your schedule look for next week? Granny wants a spa day next Saturday and she wants to know if you’re free.

Yes, of course. I’ll watch over Sunny and Moony while you’re out. I’m not foolish enough to think they have things handled on their own yet--they still have a long way to go.

When they do sort it out? Well, then we can actually schedule a full group spa date, of course! Oh, you have no idea how much I look forward to that! Just imagine the chatter, the bath salts, and all the aromatherapy candles we’ll get! We can swap in our doubles so they don’t have to miss out on it either, albeit with a bit of necessary supervision, but I believe we can make it work, don’t you?

Bonus: Assessing a Flying Cart's Collateral Damage

Dear Twilight Velvet and Night Light,

I apologe profusely for unwillingly turning your indoor kitchen into an outdoor kitchen. Additionally, I experience much regret for smashing your authentic Chaina set hidden so expertly behind your regular plates, gravy boats, corn cob holders, and of course your mother's butter dish.

There was no possible way you could predict a soap box derby car would smash into your kitchen and ruin everything. Especially one driven by me. And another me. It’s a long story, and one I’m sure you don’t want to hear right now.

To get to the point, I wish to reimburse you for the property damage done to your kitchen to the best of my capabilities. I realize that some objects are quite irreplaceable, which again I apologize dearly for destroying. However, I humbly offer to you a selection of some of my mother’s fine Chaina, which you are free to keep and/or smash in justified retribution the same way you wrecked the cart into an unrecognizable mess.

The other me was totally joking when she demanded you suffer one million years dungeon for that, by the way. She was just emotionally distraught, having put a great deal of time and care into building that cart. I’m helping her cope with the loss there as well, but your loss takes priority right now.

Please send me a bill for the repairs at your earliest convenience. Also, if you prefer, you may involve Princess Twilight in these proceedings. I don’t see this as anything more than getting a second earful of tongue lashings for such a reckless accident, but if you believe I deserve it, I won’t protest her two bits on the matter.

My sincerest apologies once more,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Princess Luna is writing her own apology letter for crashing her cart into the second floor and trashing Night Light’s private study. Please add on the damages for that room to the bill as well. It’s all coming from the same source anyway.

Sunny? Have you picked out a new block of wood for the new cart yet?

What do you mean “I want to bake one”? You mean… baking the cart parts and assembling all of it together into something rideable?

Sunny, I’ll be blunt. This is the most ridiculous idea you’ve come up with since baking and marrying a ten-layer cake.

And I am so helping you out with this! We’re going to need frosting, tons of frosting!

Go There and Never Come Back Again, Part 2

Dear Starlight,

First off, I will extend some due congratulations for snatching victory from the jaws of defeat and saving all of us from a sticky, icky, bug battery lifestyle. Your quick thinking and ability to adapt your strategy under pressure served you well for infiltrating the hive, and there’s nothing in the world that can take that away from you.

That being said, that’s all you did. You didn't have any real plan to destroy the throne in absence of magic. As far as I’m aware, what happened was you bet the farm on a hunch and just happened to be incredibly fortunate enough for it to pay out. Thus, most of the credit for saving all of us goes to Thorax and a lot of changelings that had far less loyalty to their queen than I previously thought. Then again, the promise of never needing to eat for a species doomed to eating forever is a very enticing offer.

This isn’t to say you weren’t an instrumental part to their transformation, but only so much credit can be given to what was a gamble to begin with.

Some credit is also due to your other companions as well. Without Discord’s convenient-but-inconvenient teleportation, you wouldn’t have been able to infiltrate the hive so expediently. Although I personally wonder how he was able to divine Fluttershy’s location in a place where outside magic didn’t work, compounded with the fact that he completely missed the giant magical Dark Zone we were in when he’s so sensitive to the flow of magic he can sense alicorn magic shenanigans without blinking a single jaundiced eye.

Has he gone so soft from being whipped by Fluttershy he’s just attuned to wherever she is at all times? He can't know that unless... he has the nasal capacity of a bloodhound? Did he seriously sniff her out to track her down? Whatever the case, he has some explaining to do. And I might need to buy a new shampoo.

Lastly, Trixie was the only one in your party to actually bring supplies. It can safely be said that she facilitated a great deal of your infiltration just for having enough sense to carry some tools of the trade with her.

Of course, nothing prevented you from bringing any tools prior to entering the hive, but I can tell you didn’t plan that far ahead. This isn’t to say that even with preparation everything wouldn’t have gone down the same way in a similar series of events, but it would have improved your starting odds from a snowball’s chance in Tartarus to a snowmare’s chance.

Oh well. You got extremely lucky for being so unprepared, and that’s what matters in the end. Sure, Chrysalis got away (perhaps she greatly wished to avoid having her buggy arse kicked by a peeved baby) and she swore vengeance against you for taking away everything she had built up over the years, but I’m quite certain that’s a revenge situation you’re more than familiar with.

I won’t hold my breath if Chrysalis gets the friendship treatment the next time she shows up. And she will--pests always love to keep cropping up.

Wishing you success on her inevitable reformation,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Keep an eye out for any unreformed changelings. I’ve already caught the group that replaced us in Canterlot, and Cadance ought to be doing the same over in the Empire. We’ll be sending them over to Thorax by the end of the week.

Not that that should be difficult. Again, free meal ticket for a lifetime.

OW! Sunny, I have been hit in the head enough times for a month! I am not a changeling!

Look, I know you're still a bit jumpy since my changeling impersonator locked you in the closet because they couldn't tolerate you for ten whole minutes. But I promise you, we have captured all of them. You can stop hit-checking to see if I'm one of them.

OW! Okay, if you're so determined to find another changeling to smack, then why not start checking all the objects in the castle? They could be one of those too.

...wait wait WAIT don't smash everything! NO, NOT THE CHAINA CABINET--

The Only Things You Should Bottle Up are Ships and Food

Dear Twilight,

I realize that you haven’t been getting much use out of your table map recently, but I’m sure there are better ways to use it than loaning it to the spa. Like tabletops games or eating meals when it’s a table, which I’m sure you’ve done at least once by now.

I knew you weren’t going to use it today since you wrote to me about your little “friendship retreat” (don’t even get me started on this silly jargon for “day off”. I’ve known this kind of language for centuries), but if you’re going to make your table that open to availability when it’s not in use, would it be fine if I borrowed it for a tea party? After it’s been spotlessly cleaned, of course.

Somepony sent me the most adorable teacup poodle today. I’m not sure who sent this little darling into my life — probably somepony that puts a lot of thought into the needs and concerns of others — but when I find out who they are, they can be my guest anytime!

Except potty training is a nightmare. Requesting TP to clean up tea pee is not the best thing to shout down the hallway for a hoofful of confusing reasons. In hindsight, naming it Flush might not have been a clever idea either.

In any case, I could use your table to treat some Saddle Arabian delegates to a cordial brunch tomorrow. And just between you and me, I hear they’re bringing an authentic genie-free magic lamp! You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to own one of those — they’re downright fantastic for storing magical energy and far less fragile and reckless to carry around than, say, a glass bottle.

Of course, there’s always the risk of rubbing it the wrong way and unleashing a massive blood-red maelstrom of hate and malice upon the world, but when has that ever happened before? Or I could just seek anger management counseling again. That’s likely a less cataclysmic option!

Anyway, if you can loan the table, I’d appreciate it greatly. I promise it’ll be intact and returned to your home by the end of the day.

It definitely won’t be soaked with tea pee.

Love,

Celestia

Oh my gosh, sister, you've got to try these nuts!I went down to the Ponyville spa today and the nice masseur there was selling his nuts on the side. He had a big sack of them set aside for personal business, and I just had to get a good look.

Yes, his nuts are bigger than you’d expect. Go on, grab some! There’s plenty of nuts for both of us.

Luna, if you love how they smell, you’ll be married to the taste.

Two at the same time?! Luna, pace yourself! Bulk’s nuts aren’t going anywhere.

Oh, did you know he sells other varieties? Glazed is tempting, but cream-filled ones are heavenly.

Great! Next time, I’ll grab his Bulky Nutsack. He says it puts a strain on his nuts sometimes, but I’m sure he can put out for us.

Bonus: Spur of the Moment Spurred Me To Action, Part 1

Dear Spike,

Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I have an idea how to handle this situation, but I think it’s best if you take this up with Twilight first. It’s not that I wish to exclude myself from this particular matter, but you know how I am about recommending you use local resources before you outsource for advice.

Although I have a feeling Twilight will outsource to me on this, I’d rather this go through an official channel. Giving friendship advice under the table feels like a back-alley talk, and we all know how the last kind of talk like that ended. We won’t technically betray any trust, but trust me when I say you’re not betraying Rarity letting me know of her troubles in advance.

See if Twilight can resolve this issue, and if not, you know the deal. Once it comes to me, I’ll keep Rarity’s best interests at heart on the matter.

Hopefully Maud is aware of the situation too. If not, keep your lizard lips shut until Twilight calls her in. If we need to do a conference-book session, I’ll try to make time for it this afternoon.

Be prepared to do a lot of faxing otherwise.

Love,

Celestia

P.S. If Rarity decides not to seek council for whatever reason, do whatever it takes to get her to talk to you, somepony, anypony regarding this matter. Don't let her steep in her current emotional state.

I'd hate for her to lose a friend over this. Or balloon up with more dairy stuffed in her mouth than Flurry Heart.

...Cadance is way too vocal about her parenting concerns.

P.P.S. I just realized. So am I.

Dance Dance Revolution: Magic Mix

Dear Princess Celestia,

I could use a little consultation on how I should address my students on the subject of gambling. Any advice you can give me in regards to allocating fundraised money toward costume design and risking that cost on winning a dance music video competition?

I’m concerned on how to word this properly as they ended up winning the competition, but I don’t want them to let that victory get to their heads when they ponied up much more than meager school pride for Camp Everfree’s restoration project. Is it too much to ask them to consider how they could have possibly bounced back from a loss like that if they didn’t win? Or that they could have at least tried what Slapjack had for her fundraising idea first before betting the campground’s cleanup cash?

Although… in retrospect I wouldn’t be surprised if that was their fallback if the bet failed. Heavens know those Apples could raise a massive ark if they wanted to, and there hasn’t been much in the way of stiff competition for their Summer Cider sale ever since the makers of Pear Ale moved away. I miss those days.

Anyway, focus. Gambling is bad, but is there anything else I should add? Thanks in advance when you get this.

Regards,

Principal Celestia

P.S. Do I owe Granny ten dollars for asking you for advice on gambling? Is it cheating if I ask myself?

~~~

Dear Principal Celestia,

If you’re going to say anything about gambling or bets, the only safe ones to make are good-natured ones made between friends.

That said, you’re totally cheating by asking me, and I’m saying that as your bear—er, pony in the hole. Though, I’m not sure if the real reason of “I’m speaking to myself from a parallel pony world” is a reason she’ll parse without asking you questions. It’s up to you if you want to try and explain that, though it’s best to be honorable here. “Few things can spoil a friendship faster than bein’ a dirty liar,” as my Granny likes to say.

Plus, I now owe my Granny ten bits. I bet her that nopony would ever come to me for gambling advice, but here we are. I’ll pay my dues; you see to yours.

Best of Luck Not Related to Gambling,

Princess Celestia

Magic Items Tend to be Monstrous. Mirrors are Beastly, for Example

Dear Princess Celestia,

My purse just got hit with a magic orb thingy. Now it's sentient and asking me in a wheezing low voice to wish for things to make my life happier, especially if it involves trapping my enemies within its twisting, hoarding maze-like contents of makeup and vanity products complemented with a seemingly infinite number of pockets.

Should I use this for detention?

~~~

Dear Principal Celestia,

Detention? For you, that is perfect. Heck, I could probably use one of those purse prisons (sounds catchy, am I right?) just to cut down on occupied space in so many ways for all the irredeemable villains in my world.

I don’t know if a purse will fit all of mine, though. Do you know if those things come in a bigger size?

~~~

Dear Princess Celestia,

That’s a silly question.

I have all the tote bags.

Daring Shrubbery Design is Done, Panned by Ponyville Paper

Dear Ponyville Chronicle columnist Truth B. Told,

Thanks for the unabashedly brutal assessment of the latest shrubbery I’ve just put in the garden. Who would’ve thought an untrained pair of eyes couldn’t tell the difference between a rounded, slightly bulbous bush and the artistic intent that was the Princess’s Covering Phalanx? Not me, that’s who.

Sure, on the outside it happens to look exactly like somepony tried to replicate a smashed bunch of grapes. And maybe hiring a former guardspony that had an artistic phase best described as “almost not a complete waste of time” could have gone through a better screening process. However, I applaud his effort to design this with a space big enough to comfortably fit a princess inside, which is exactly what I wanted from this. Even if it looks like a mildly engorged Smooze blob, as you’ve so eloquently put it in your column.

In all fairness, I cannot fault you for coming up with descriptions like these. But at the very least recognize that I can get more use out of it than leaping onto it from an eagle’s perch. I assure you, by the way, that such a maneuver is in no way safe or sanctioned within my castle walls. Only an idiot would try—

...Never mind. A certain idiot I know did just try it. Begrudgingly, you have a point with its design in that regard. I’ll see to it that it looks less cushioning and more shielding.

Say Hello to Zesty Gourmand for Me,

Princess Celestia

Oh great. She dove in headfirst too, like a… graceful white lawn dart.

Sunny, quit flailing your hind legs! I’ll be down there in just a minute.

No, I don’t plan on taking a blind leap of faith! We have wings, and we should be using them when we can!

PSA: Magical Pranks and Who to Blame For Them

Attention all denizens of Equestria,

Please remain calm. Reports have come in of a swarm of ponies dressed as ridiculous jesters roaming the streets in search of hapless victims. If you encounter any such ponies with whipped cream pie tins at the ready, turn around, and flee for your lives. Look back even once, and you’ll be kissing a sweet pie tin in ten seconds flat.

Forget trying to hide, for they are adept at seeking out cabinets and closets big enough to hide you. Omit any resistance if you are caught—a gruesome, custardy fate awaits those who persist in escape. Oh, and don’t think the shadow of night will aid in your escape either. Luna has converted to their side, and she is the most terrifying jester of all. See any balloons, and you’ve already lost.

My time is short. You must stay safe until the coming sunrise of tomorrow. Don’t worry for my safety. Especially you, Twilight. A special ward I have placed around my tower keeps me safe from both the Pink One and the Nightmare Loony. Rest assured, I am confident in my safety today more than any other—

Really, Discord? Even you turned to the dark side this day?! Apparate all you like, but you shall not pass through this barrier!

...Don’t you dare. E-Even a pie that giant won’t put a dent in this! Ready your throw, I challenge thee to break it with all your might!

...Sugar… so much… sugary filling…

Author's Note

Happy Easter Fools, everyone!

As a sidenote, if you happen to see any devious-looking bunnies, you may want to consider staying away from any eggs they’re hiding.