It's Totally Not Cupcakes

by Lapis-Lazuli and Stitch

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy
Length: 3896

Pinkie Pie has a dark, dark secret for Rainbow Dash. It totally doesn't involve her cupcakes. Honest. Entry for The More Most Dangerous Game contest.

Pinkie Pie has a dark, dark secret for Rainbow Dash.

It totally doesn't involve her cupcakes.

Honest.

Entry for The More Most Dangerous Game contest using the "Cupcakes" Prompt.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-25 00:30:01 UTC

No, It's really not!

It was just another day in Ponyville, and as with every bright day in Ponyville Pinkie had to make a few stops before heading off to Sugarcube Corner. Her first, as ever, was to the miller and his son. Only the very best flour could be used in her special dainties, and Pinkie knew it was important to get the freshest product right from the source. “Morning, Sun Grain!” she chirped happily at the older earth pony, his son Whole Wheat tightening the drawstrings on her very specially-ordered sack of flour.

“Mornin’ Miz Pie.” The ancient miller cracked a toothy grin, rocking back and forth in his equally aged rocking chair. “Got th’ best all bagged up fer ye. Fifty-fifty blend, jes’ how ya like it.” He beamed brightly. “Ahh, brings back memories o’ the cakes y’ brought me last year…”

Pinkie couldn’t hide her grin. “Why don’t you send little Wheat over to the bakery tomorrow?” She winked cheekily, feeling a little thrill of excitement run up her spine at the thought of more guests to… entertain. “I’ll send him back with a lovely fresh bundt cake for you. Your favorite orange glaze too.” She waggled her eyebrows suggestively when the old stallion looked concerned for a moment…

And he broke into a huge smile, nodding happily. “Aye,  that sounds right marvelous, Ms. Pie,” he rumbled, smacking his hoof on the arm of his chair. “Be good fer the youngin’ t’ get out an’ do somethin’ other than bother me at the mill all blamed day.” He coughed hard, then grinned sheepishly. “I mean, if it’s not too much bother Miz Pie.”

As always, she giggled happily in the face of a smile and waved at him as Whole Wheat loaded up her saddle bag with the flour sack. “No problem at all, Sunny.  And I’ll be seeing you tonight, cutie,” she drawled at the poor colt, who visibly gulped as she bounced off to her other chores. There were so many other ingredients to collect if she was going to have more visitors tonight!

“Let’s see,” she hummed, pulling her list out of her storage - her mane - and examined it closely. “Next things I need are butter and cream.” Well, there was only one place in Ponyville she could get a regular supply of those!

~~~~~~~~~~

“Hiya, Milky!”

It was impossible not to beam a happy smile at Ponyville’s premier purveyor of dairy goods, Milky Way. She was always just so… perky for lack of a better term. “Heya, Pinkie. What do you need today?” Her smile was as bright as her beautifully smooth and silky yellow coat. So smooth and silky and- “Pinkie?” Milky prompted her with a tolerant grin.

“Oh!” Sheesh, she had to be more careful about this sort of thing, or somepony was gonna catch her. “Right, I need um… four pounds of butter and two gallons of milk.” She was quite proud of herself for not having to consult her list to remember that. “As fresh as you can get it! Oh, and do you have any good heavy cream today? I’ve got a new frosting recipe I wanna try…” And a few other things she could do with it, hee hee.

Milky gave her a very strange look before shaking it off. “Sure thing, one sec.” She busied herself around the edges of her stall, swishing her exceedingly well-manicured tail around hypnotically. Ooo, that would feel so good to snuggle up against.  It had to be just as soft as Rarity’s, and it was almost twice as big! And that equally silky coat was just so beautiful to look at, if only she could get near those big soft-

“Pinkie!” Milky snapped at her, and this time Pinkie couldn’t conceal her blush. “Honestly, sometimes I think you want to wear my tail as a hat,” Milky huffed, but there was no anger or concern in her voice. Just the same level frustration everypony got when she got a little drooly.

Of course, she didn’t have the good sense to stop being drooly. “No, I was thinking more about snuggling up to it like a blanket.” She snapped her mouth shut around the words and shook her head. “Oh, grumblegrab!” And there she went, swearing again. Sheesh, Mom and Dad would’ve spanked her across town by now. “I’m so sorry, Milky!” Pinkie had to move quick to explain herself, lest Miky start to get suspicious of her motives. “I just let my tongue run away with me, I’m so sorry and-”

A hoof got stuffed into her mouth, and Milky Way chuckled softly. “It’s okay, Pinkie. I’m flattered. Here.” She pushed the sack across the top of her stand, smiling faintly. “You look really nervous today. Did you have something special planned?”

Pinkie’s heart nearly stopped. The last thing she needed was somepony cottoning on to her very special plans for Rainbow Dash tonight. “Um… N-n-n-othing in particular,” she stuttered.  Quickly and firmly stamping on her stumbling words, she put on her best bright smile. “Just lots of baking to do today, and I’m eager to get to it, that’s all!” There, that would be easily believable. And it wasn’t terribly far from the truth either.

Milky just laughed and waved her off, which was a good thing as she didn’t have that much time left before she’d have to really get to work. She’d hit Bon Bon’s place next for the cocoa powder. It really was a beautiful day for walking around Ponyville, and seeing all the lovely- “Hey Pinkie!” A bright and brash voice all but sprouted in her ear, and she was almost knocked head over teakettle at the sight of the last pony she wanted to see this early in the morning.

Rainbow Dash smiled happily at her from overhead and giggled faintly. “What’cha doin up and about so early? I thought only the weather team and Applejack ran around town at the crack of dawn.” She tilted her head with those gorgeous eyes and that impossible-to-replicate mane carelessly strewn across them. She was smiling too, all prettily- Eek! She was onto her! She had to come up with something quick! “C’mon, Pinkie. Ya can’t hide it from me.” Dash grinned at her, draping a casual hoof over her shoulder.

“Um. I was just… picking up some special ingredients! Yeah!” Pinkie scrambled to her hooves and plastered her best cheesy grin on her face. “Mister And Missus Cake needed some extra things for a special order today!” Whew, that was a close one. Now she just needed to get rid of -

Dashie pffft-ed right in her face. “Pinkie, the Cake’s always have extra stuff on hoof for special orders. You told me that last month.” Dash cocked a brow at her, crossing her hooves and narrowing her eyes suspiciously. “You’re not up to anything weird again, are you? The town can’t stand another round of baked bads yanno.” She sounded just sooo… snarky. It was infuriating.

It was so infuriating that all Pinkie could do was huff a few times before sputtering out “They’re not baked bads, you ninnyhead!” With that, she spun around on her hooves and marched away, off into town. Dashie could be so stupid sometimes! Well, she was gonna show her ‘baked bads’ tonight, yes she was!

~~~~~~~

“And then she said, ‘the town can’t stand another round of baked bads, yanno,’ and it was just - just - just -” Pinkie Pie couldn’t contain her frustration, it was making her so very very mad!

“Rainbow Dash being Rainbow Dash, Pinkie.” Fluttershy’s soothing voice was almost as good as pistachio ice cream at calming her down when she was a fit of pique. “You know how she gets when she thinks somepony is trying to hide things from her. Have another tea.” Just like that, her hooves were filled with a teacup of wonderfully fragrant chamomile. Mmm. Her favorite. “Now, you said you needed a dozen eggs?”

“Uh huh.” Pinkie bobbed her head before gulping down the piping hot tea. Ahh. Bracing. “I’m fresh out, and I can’t use the bakery’s supply anymore. Miss Cake says it’s a tax thing.” She sniffled a little at that. As though her creations didn’t more than pay for themselves over time! But what did she know about running a business?

Fluttershy nodded and fluffed her wings a bit. Nopony in town understood her better than Fluttershy did, if she was being completely honest. Especially when it came to her hobbies. “You’re in luck, we just had a big brace of them laid.” Flutter’s whisper-soft voice was sometimes hard to keep track of, but Pinkie did her best not to get impatient. Fluttershy was just being herself, after all. And hay, given what she had going on in her shed, who was she to judge if Fluttershy was occasionally a bit nervous?

She was there and back again before you could say cherrychimmychanga three times fast, with a dozen eggs neatly nestled in a basket of straw. “So who is it this time?” There was a sly smile on Fluttershy’s face, as though she knew what was going on. She probably did, actually. Fluttershy was a lot smarter and cannier than most ponies gave her credit for.

Still, best not to go into too much detail. That could become an awkward conversation she didn’t have time for. “Dashie,” she mumbled, digging her hoof into the wood floor. “Promise you won’t tell her? I want it to be a surprise.” It was hard to keep the squirmy excitement out of her voice, given how much she’d been looking forward to today. It’d been such a long time in coming too.

Thankfully, Flutters merely giggled. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell her a thing. You’ve kept my secrets too.” She winked at Pinkie, and Pinkie shared a giggle and a smile in return. It was always a good day when she could get Fluttershy to smile. Maybe she’d bring her one of the treats when she was done.

~~~~~~~

Bon Bon’s place was her favorite place in the entire town. Even more so than Sugarcube Corner, this was the soul of Ponyville. The sweet jingle of the bell, the soft music playing from the old record player in the corner, and the sweet smells drifting from Bon Bon’s legendary kitchen in the back. Nopony in town entered there except for Lyra, and nopony was willing to tell her the secrets that Bon Bon wielded to create her array of confectionary wonders. And no matter how hard Pinkie Pie had tried, she still hadn’t been able to sneak back there.

The dingle of the bell summoned the proprietor, one Sweetie “Bon Bon” Drops. One day, Pinkie was going to work up the courage and ask her to teach her how to do that voodoo that she did do. One day, but not today. “Morning, Pinkie,” Bons’ said warmly, smiling. “What can I do for my best customer today?”

“Chocolate!” Pinkie gushed, though she quickly checked herself to avoid ordering everything in the case. She’d do it too if she wasn’t careful. “Um… I mean, I need a couple big bars of strong baking chocolate. And maybe a few lemon balls?” Her voice had descended into a squeak by then, but she really did need to watch her budget this month. She couldn’t keep blowing half her pay on sweets every other week, no matter how delectable Bons’ creations were.

Bons just grinned. “If you’re willing to wait a few minutes, I’ve got a brand new bar meant for just this sort of thing. It just needs a little bit to harden up.” She winked cheekily. “And I’ll throw in a hoof full of lemon drops just for you, Pinkie. Just let me know how well they perform, won’t you?”

“Oh, Bonny you’re so awesome!” Pinkie giggled happily as Bon Bon vanished into the back room, leaving Pinkie waiting for her treasures. It was odd not to see Lyra here, but maybe she was off doing weirdo Lyra stuff. Pinkie knew her own hobbies were odd, but Lyra was plain and simply out there. Still, she kinda wished she was here, since she always had fun stuff to talk about.

Then the doorbell jangled! Oh good, she could - “Hey Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash said with a big, friendly smile that promptly dropped Pinkie’s stomach into her hoovesies. “Fancy meetin’ you here.” Bon Bon poked her head around the corner, eyebrows raised in surprise. “Hiya, Bon Bon! I was wondering if you had any pegasi taffy? We’re gonna be pulling extra shifts, and my crew could use a treat.”

Bon Bon’s eyes lit up at the mention of ‘pegasi taffy’ the mare nodding enthusiastically. “Buckets of the stuff! I’ll get you a few big sacks worth!” Off Bon Bon went, giggling madly. Pinkie shook her head. Pegasi were seriously weird for inventing that oddly flavored sticky stuff, but who was she to judge? Besides, they claimed it made it easier to get lots of weather work done and who knew how true that was.

But there was something reeeeeally odd about Dash showing up like this, humming cheerfully and keeping one completely unsubtle eye on Pinkie. Uh oh. But what could she do? She had to have the chocolate if she wanted any hope of keeping the flavor right in her recipe and just cocoa powder wasn’t gonna cut it this time, and she knew it.

“So um…” Dash scuffed at the varnished floor, trying to look casual. “What’re you doing after work today, Pinkie? I was thinking we could get the girls together and have a game night.” Oooo… That was a low blow. Dashie knew how much Pinkie loved game nights, especially ones that hadn’t been planned to insanity by Twilight. But Pinkie knew it was just some kind of ploy to figure out her plans.

Still, this did offer a possible opportunity… “Y-yeah! That sounds great!” She kept her voice as even as she could, practically vibrating with excitement. She’d been trying to figure out how to lure Dashie to the bakery after hours! “Um… Could you come by and pick me up after dark, then? I’ve got cleanup duties tonight.” That would make it much easier to surprise Dashie. And she could have a game night after, which was a real score! But it also meant she’d have to rush all of her preparation work.  That was bad, but she could deal with it. Probably.

Dash seemed a little surprised, but nodded cautiously. “Okay, I can do that for sure and- Whoa, Bon Bon! That’s too much!” Dash’s exclamation gave Pinkie the cover she needed. Bon Bon had laid her package out on the counter, and she took the opportunity of Dash’s distraction to grab it, dump her bits, and run. She was only gonna have so much time to get ready now! She had so much to prepare!

~~~~~~~

The most important part of baking was preperation. You could get away with dodgy equipment, the occasional lackluster ingredient, even being interrupted in the middle of your work by rampaging parasprites. But if you weren’t well-organized, even the finest foodstuffs, top-shelf hardware and all the time in the world to concentrate on your work wouldn’t be able to save you from certain doom. This was especially true for any kind of cake-like thing, where the creaming and assembly of the batter were all-important.

First things first, she needed to make sure everything she’d picked up today was properly measured out. Sugar, cocoa, butter, eggs, milk, flour, salt, baking soda and the all important chocolate. Corn syrup on the side for the frosting that would go atop the newly minted beauties. Her mixing bowl? Properly chilled. The butter? Just soft enough. The milk? Perfect. Oo, right, that heavy cream she’d gotten. Set that aside for the frosting. Well, ganache, technically, but Pinkie didn’t much like that word.

Next, the weighing. Carefully using the ancient set of scales Ms. Cake kept around, she laid out bowls of flour and sugar in the proper amounts. She had to be very picky about this stuff, because… well, these were gonna be special! The last thing she wanted was to make a batch of cupcakes unworthy of the pony who was going to be such an important part of them. More importantly, she had to make sure she had the right amounts for several batches. If she was going to have a game night, it was going to be a busy weekend, and she had to be ready for all sorts of different fun.

Missus and Mister Cake would soon be gone for the night, which meant Pinkie would be free to indulge herself in her absolute most favorite hobby of all. She smiled faintly at the gleaming silver implements laid out on the counter. The sweet scent of sugar syrup in the air as she began to prepare the frosting, always something she did ahead of time so it would be ready when the cakes came out of the oven.

“Pinkie?” Mister Cake’s voice drifted from the front of the shop, and he poked his head in. She turned to smile at her mentor and proprietor. Nopony in Equestria knew their baking as good as Mister Cake did, no-siree-bob. He smiled at the sight of her with all her ingredients laid out like a tolerant father. “Try to make sure you clean up whatever mess you make, okay?”

She couldn’t help but giggle and nod. Of course she’d make sure everything was cleaned up when she was done. She wasn’t that much of a silly willy. “No problem, Mister Cake. Have a nice night!” She waved a hoof at him as he vanished out of the shop. Dashie would be here soon! She’d have to put the spurs to this one if she wanted it all to be ready by the time she got here. So she rolled up her sleeves… Well, if she’d had sleeves, she’d have rolled them up. Things were gonna get messy here soon.

~~~~~~~~

The front door of Sugarcube Corner burst open with a flash of purple magic and a flurry of hooves, darn near startling Pinkie completely out of her wits. The air was redolent with a thick musky smell and the counter spattered with all manner of liquids. It was too early! And why was Twilight here? She should be back at her home getting ready for the game night! It was all too soon for them to be tasting her newest creations. “No!” she cried out, flinging up her hooves. “You can’t come in here yet, I haven’t gotten everything cleaned up!”

“Let us in, Pinkie! We know you’re up to something!” Twilight’s voice came muffled through the kitchen door, possibly because she’d forgotten she could teleport. Again. “If you don’t let us in there, I’m going to knock this door down!” Pinkie felt her heart sink. She’d gone to so much trouble to keep things quiet.  What had Dashie told them? Why had they decided to all come here together!? She couldn’t keep them out when she was still all messy like this.

But she had to try! “You can’t come in here yet! They’re not ready!” It was hard to keep the panic out of her voice as she glanced back to her project in motion. If they charged in here, they were going to ruin absolutely everything! She had to make sure everything was perfect, or Dashie-

But charge they did into the mess of a kitchen, all coming to a halt at once to stare in disbelief at the tableau before them. Pinkie had just gotten her creations out of the oven and started to decorate them - the special decorations first, of course.The decorations that oh-so-clearly spelled out her intent for the baked goods. “Pinkie, I…” Twilight trailed off at first, swallowing heavily and her eyes reducing to pinpricks. “You…”

Applejack pulled off her hat. Fluttershy’s hooves went up to her mouth and she looked about ready to faint. Rarity had already… well, not quite fainted, she’d done the ‘Rarity’ thing of swooning to one side then recovering an instant later. All of them had eyes fixed on her kitchen and her creations, and seemed to be groping for the proper words. “Well!?” Pinkie snapped at them, hoping her emotions wouldn’t completely overwhelm her and knowing they would no matter what she did. “Go ahead! Say something! I know you all want to!” The tears bubbled up behind her eyes and…

And then… “Hey guys, what’s going on in here? Pinkie, why is everypony staring at…” Rainbow Dash trailed off as she landed on her hooves, staring at the little tableau of cupcakes sitting atop the kitchen counter. Dark, dark chocolate colored with the most perfect crowns Pinkie had ever managed to bake into existence in her life, and frosted in bright pink chocolate flavored ganache on top was the simple message she’d hoped to deliver to the special somepony now staring at her in astonishment.

”Dashie <3 Pinkie Pie.  ”

Pinkie sniffled softly. “They ruined my secret surprise!” she yelled out before fleeing out the back door, covered in dark cake batter, flour, sugar, and syrup.

~~~~~~~~

About twenty minutes later, Dashie landed next where Pinkie had perched on the edge of Stillwater Lake outside town. In each hoof, she held a cupcake. “What do you call these things?” Dashie asked quietly, hoofing one over to her.

Pinkie took it quietly, wishing that she hadn’t dunked her head into the water a few minutes ago. Her mane always went all straight and dumb-looking when it was wet. “Um…” It was hard to focus on the question, but the truth was she really hadn’t thought of a name for them yet. “Uh… I dunno. I suppose I could call them My Little Dashies?” It was a pretty good joke. Enough for her to giggle a little at the absurdity of the pun.

Dash grinned in that cheeky, confident way of hers, taking a delicate bite. “Mm. I haven’t ever had cupcakes made this dark before.” She shook her head. “Much as I like the idea of cupcake this good being named after me, I don’t think that works.” Her eyes sparkled in the dim moonlight at that, her mouth set in a pretty smile. “How about Chocopocalypse Cupcakes?” Her smile widened to a huge grin. “Cupcakes so good, you’d end the world for ‘em!”

Pinkie couldn’t help herself. She just started laughing, taking a bite of her cupcake and leaning into Dashie’s shoulder. They really were darkly delicious. “Nah, that’s too complicated of a name.” She rubbed at her chin, getting frosting on it. “How about Cupcake Sins?” She felt her mouth curl up into a coy little smile. “For when you really want to embrace the darkness within you!”

Dashie rolled her eyes. “Jeeze, Pinkie. You’re worse than Twilight with that darkness crap.” She examined the wrapper for the cupcake in her hoof and smiled faintly. “I’ve got it. How about we just call ‘em Pinkie’s Dark Surprise?” She winked. “It’ll be a fun joke for the town to latch onto for a few weeks, don’t’cha think?”

Pinkie smiled faintly. “Yanno, I kinda like that.”

~Fin~