The Cake of Apontyllado

by PresentPerfect

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Horror, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2879

Pinkie told Rainbow Dash there was a surprise in the basement. It's a cake, hidden where nopony else will find it. Or her.

Pinkie told Rainbow Dash there was a surprise in the basement. It's a cake, hidden where nopony else will find it. Or her.

A parody of Edgar Allen Poe's "The Cask of Amontillado" written for EQD's More Most Dangerous Game Contest.

Reading by ShadowOfCygnus!

Published 2015-01-25 04:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-25 04:00:02 UTC

The Cake of Apontyllado

The Cake of Apontyllado
by Present Perfect

The thousand injuries of Rainbow Dash I had borne as best I could, but when she ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge. And by 'injuries', I'm talking all those times she crashed into Sugarcube Corner. I guess she was really just injuring herself, now that I think about it, but let me tell you, it was definitely at least a thousand times.

Anywho, it was on the occasion of Rainbow's birthday that I threw her a party, as I do, with all the pomp and circumstance, and circumpoops and happenstanceseses necessary for such a fête, and much merriment was had by all. I do so enjoy parties, even those which I throw, and I found myself having a good time despite harboring some "all interior motives", if you catch my drift.

During the party, I made certain Rainbow was served with all the punch she could drink, and all the cupcakes, cookies, strudels, pretzels, donuts and waffles she could consume. Despite a certain propensity of mine to sneak a few snacks when Rainbow wasn't looking, she was well and truly groggy after a few hours' time, and thus was the stage set for the execution of my plan.

I told her of a super-special secret birthday surprise hidden in the basement, a surprise so super and so secret that even I shouldn't be allowed to see it. The sugar and punch had addled her mind such that any suggestion of mine, accompanied by sufficient cheer, seemed a good idea, and she followed me readily.

So it was that we two left the party, the clock winding round to the early morning hours. I took pain to ensure no eyes saw us leave, and to keep in the highest spirits, lest I give my companion cause to suspect. Not that I thought she would, so drunk was she on sugar, you just can't be too careful with these things.

When at length she plied me for the reason behind our sojourn, I replied with such aplomb as I could muster.

"Why, it is a cake that I have myself prepared especially for you, a cake with a generous portion of Apontyllado!"

Rainbow gave then a laugh, mirth mixed with inebriation and confusion.

"I remember reading that Daring Do book!" Then a pause. "How come you're you talking so funny?"

"You remember that Build Your Vocabulary book Twilight gave me for my birthday last year?"

I waited until she had either apprehended my meaning or given up her attempt, either of which was marked by the same odd gesture: a palsied nod.

"I've been reading it."

Her snort of laughter echoed from the darkened bakery halls through which we passed. "I knew there was a reason I never used to like reading."

My employers had long since put the twins to bed before retiring themselves, as I have learned that new parents are often as tired as their children at the end of a long day. As such, we had the place to our own designs, mine dark as the night without the windows.

We went on in silence, I casting leaping shadows across all surfaces and she, wings nearly brushing the floor, plodding along behind. We were nearly to the entrance to the basement when she stopped me.

"Pinkie, I'm not so sure cake's a good idea. I've eaten so much already, I could sleep for fifty years!"

Indeed, she bore a slight paunch, a feature I wagered as had never truly graced her midsection in all her years. Between that and her general hyperglycemic fatigue, I anticipated she would be in no state for flying tonight, and even less disposed to move at high speeds. Yet perhaps, it occurred to me, had I overdone my preparations, and she was inebriated beyond any enticements. I elected to test the waters.

"Well, you don't have to eat the whole thing, silly! I just wanted you to taste it, 'cause it's super-duper extra-special awesome!"

"Ehh, I dunno..."

"Aw, c'mon, Dashie! It's not like you're super-stuffed on cake!"

She crossed the threshold with me and moved down the first step without complaint.

"Yeah, what's with that? There wasn't any cake at the party. There's always cake at your parties!"

"I wanted to make sure you'd have room to take the first bite, of course! Then we'll bring it upstairs and share it with the other guests! Unless of course you're not interested." Here I affected a moue and let the mirth drain from my tone. "I'm sure Applejack would love to get first crack at an Apontyllado cake..."

At the mention of her friend and oftentimes rival, she stiffened, wings spreading. Presently, she moved as though made of an entirely lighter material and veritably skipped down the stairs.

"No way is AJ getting a taste of my special cake before I do! And I don't even know what Apontyllado is!"

As I had anticipated, the call to action at the mere mention of her longtime foe's name. I daresay her stomach even receded to give her needed energy. From that moment, she remained more alert and focused than her earlier state belied, though she focused on things less salient than those before her, leading to an overall effect of being distracted, which suited my needs just fine.

She did not, for instance, notice the small alcove in the wall, which held a cupcake, above which was a plaque bearing my family crest. (It is a rock.) Nor did she pause as we made it to the bottom of stairs, near which lay a book entitled "I'm Sorry": A Guide to Apologies. Gummy's unblinking presence in the far corner gave her no pause. I turned on the light switch, illuminating a plethora of discarded signs bearing inscriptions such as "KEEP OUT", "TURN BACK", "DANGER", "THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING" and "YOU ARE PROBABLY GOING TO DIE, RAINBOW DASH", yet her step did not once falter.

As we made our way through webwork and mold to the basement's far corner, Rainbow at last turned to me, puzzlement writ large on her features.

"Where's the cake?"

"Keep going," I said, and waved my hoof to the door set in the wall. "It's in the subbasement."

"Why does Sugarcube Corner have a subbasement?"

"For all the old baking supplies!"

She turned, making as if to proceed down the steps, but paused and gave me once more a quizzical look.

"Why'd you put the cake down there?"

With a roll of my eyes, I planted my crown firmly against her backside and pushed. "To keep it cool and fresh, silly! And because nopony goes down there, so I didn't have to worry about them finding it before you! Now get a move on, cake's a-wastin'!"

She obliged, and presently we descended from the half-gloom of the basement proper into the full gloom of the subbasement. The staircase was not so long as that above, nor did it creak or sway to such a degree. It was silent as the tomb in these depths. I could not help but shiver.

"Pinkie, where's the light? I can't see my hoof in front of my face!"

"Sorry, Dashie. You'll just have to exercise caaaaautioooon!"

I sang the last word, hoping beyond hope that she would mistake my giddiness as owing to my normal state and nothing further. I suspect she was too preoccupied with finding her way safely down the stairs in the dark to waste time with speculation, but when one approaches the climax of an arduously planned revenge, one finds every reason to expect it going awry.

"Ow, Pinkie, watch it! That's my butt you're bumping into!"

"Saww-ry! I'm not used to you goin' slow. Just a few more steps, Dashie, you're almost there!"

"Would it have killed you to bring a lantern?"

With all my might I held back the retort which sprang from the depths of my super-excited subconscious. No, my friend, it would kill you. Except that didn't really make sense, because she would be more likely to die if she fell down the steps in the darkness. That's probably why I didn't say it. Shortly, we were at the bottom of the stairs.

Click! went the lights, and Rainbow drew in a sharp breath. A tense moment later, she groaned.

"Pinkie, this is the lamest prank ever. There's no cake down here, just a boatload of bricks!"

I leapt to the fore, grinning, my face as close to hers as I could, letting that effervescing giddiness overwhelm me.

"Why, Dashie, I'm disappointed you would think me a jester when it comes to such things as birthday surprises."

"You're talking all weird again..."

"The cake with Apontyllado can be found through yonder alcove! Merely mind the bricks. There are quite a lot, after all!"

She bore the look of a foal sizing up a slug he was just challenged to eat for bits, but she slunk off without further complaint, picking her way through the piles and piles of bricks strewn haphazardly across the floor, while I watched and waited and followed thereafter.

Around the wall were carved niches, the largest and deepest of which, that I had indicated, bore the aforementioned cake. Beside it lay the glistening, silvered wedge of a simple cake server, hemmed all round by bricks of every shape and size. I salivated as Rainbow approached.

"Is this the one?"

"Yupperoonie! Right through that archway is your most well-deserved cake surprise!"

She hesitated a moment longer. Blood pounding through my veins like a clapping bell. Sweat coursed down my brow, and it was only through application of a tight rictus that I could keep my teeth from chattering. Slowly, inexorably, she turned from me and ambled through that stalwart archway. I sprang into action at once.

"Hey, there really is a cake in here!"

"Of course there is! Would I lie about cake?"

"I guess not. Sorry for doubting you, Pinkie."

"You're not too full to try it, are you, Dashie?"

"Well..."

I paused, with but two rows complete. She, consumed with contemplation of the cake, had as yet not noticed my ministrations. The time for remorse was long past.

"I could always tell Applejack that--"

"Nope! I can totally eat it!" So saying, she buried her face in it.

The sound of my work was drowned out by her joyful exclamations about the cake's flavor. Yes, Rainbow Dash, I spared no effort in preparing it, just as I now spared no effort in constructing the instrument of your doom! Brick after brick after brick layered up as I coursed about the room like lightning, gathering and laying them, using all my speed.

After seven rows, I left one brick out, so that I might speak to her a final time. Up and up and up the wall grew, filling the archway, sealing the alcove from all view. My time was at hoof!

Then she noticed.

"Uh, Pinkie, why's it suddenly getting dark in-- What in the hay are you doing?"

I thought for a moment my labors might be for naught, but her tone was confused, not angry or fearful. Doubtless this was another unexplainable happenstance that would be filed away under "Pinkie just being Pinkie". She was none the wiser as to her ultimate doom.

"You know what I'm doing, Rainbow Dash!"

"No, Pinkie. I really don't."

"Mark you the month previous, at Gummy's two-year Adoptaversary party, that insult which you laid upon him, which I could neither ignore nor forgive!"

"When this is all over, I really need to have a talk with Twilight about that book. Even if I could understand you, Pinkie, I have no idea what you're talking about!"

A ninth layer. A tenth. Narrower they grew by the brick. My work was nearing completion!

"So many times I have overlooked your transgressions, but no more! Nopony will know you're down here! Nopony will hear your screams!"

"Uh, I haven't been screaming..."

"Never again will anypony have to listen to you demean them, Rainbow Dash!"

I cackled like a pony possessed. I was conscious of neither deed nor thought, but built, built, built, until only the final brick remained unplaced.

"Oh, for the love of Celestia, Pinkie..."

"Yes!" I cried. My ecstasy threatened to atomize me. "For the love of Celestia!"

In a burst of supreme effort, Rainbow Dash showed me the single overlooked flaw in my otherwise carefully-concocted plan. After countless hours spent consulting with my erstwhile geologist sibling, agonizing weeks of hiding my excavation activities from Mr. and Mrs. Cake, and an evening of baking the perfect cake, I had forgotten mortar.

Thus was the thousand and first injury of Rainbow Dash perpetrated.

"Ow, my freakin' nose. Pinkie, were those real bricks?"

Stricken, I could only sit upon my haunches and watch my work crumble before me, my mind reduced to puerility. "Uh-huh."

She pranced about, knocking into what few bricks that did not lay ruined in the alcove entrance, chanting "Owowowow!" I neither moved nor spoke, save to hang my head and sigh.

At length, she ceased and knelt beside me, speaking in measured tones.

"Pinkie. What in the hay?"

Emotion welled up within my core and burst out through my nose. I tried valiantly to sniff it back in. It tasted of stale corn flakes.

"You said Gummy's suit was lame."

"Oh." Her brow creased, and I knew she was doing her best to recall the slight. "Pinkie, I'm sorry. I was just making a dumb joke because Rarity said it was 'lah-may', whatever that is. I didn't really think his suit was lame."

I scrubbed at my eyes, the torrents sliding down my cheeks enough to set a pony to the salt lick for life. "But he's just an innocent little alligator! You didn't have to be mean to him."

"Pinkie, I..." A sigh coursed from her lips, and she sat with me. "I'm sorry. Gummy is like, the best pet, and I would never say anything like that about him. I mean, not even second place. He's totally tied with Tank."

I had to laugh at that, and as I have always found it difficult to both weep and laugh, and the end effect was of the sun breaking through clouds.

"Still," she continued, "this is a really weird way to get back at me for something I said. I mean, I can understand loyalty to your pet, but why didn't you just talk to me?"

My reply was muffled, and neither she nor I knew what it was.

"Well, whatever. I can forgive you because that cake was super-good, like you said. What's Apontyllado, though?"

"I dunno, maybe pipe tobacco? I just saw it in a book once."

"Well, whatever it is, it was pretty tasty." She belched. "So where'd you come up with a crazy idea like building a brick wall?"

I snorted. "Same book."

"Yeah, I'm gonna have that talk with Twilight sooner rather than later."

The full weight of my transgressions brought me low at last. "Rainbow Dash, I'm so, so sorry. If there's anything I can do to make this up to you, please tell me. I'll do anything!"

At a tap on my shoulder, I opened my eyes to behold her smile, and the weight lifted.

"You could always throw me an awesome make-up party tomorrow with another one of those cakes..."

I leapt to my hooves. "Yes! And I'll make two cakes! No, three! They'll be the best make-up cakes you ever tasted!"

She laughed, and my heart soared. "C'mon, Pinkie, let's get out of here."

And so the both of us, separately chastised, mounted the stairs together and took to climbing. I doused the light, leaving the subbasement in its perpetual darkness. I would later entertain the idea of filling the whole thing with bricks. But as she reached the top step, Rainbow turned to me, once again with that mixture of confusion and something far more sinister upon her face, and, eyes wide, made one more observation.

"Wait a second... You just literally tried to kill me!"

Author's Note

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

This story was inspired by Jade Ring's The Cask of Appletillado, which you should read if you want more ponies in your Poe. He may have done a better job at mimicking Poe's style than I have. (Though in my defense, this isn't the first time I've tried, and I think my last attempt was better. I should finish that...)

Basically, I read that story and had my own ideas about how to do the crossover, and I knew it had to be Pinkie and Rainbow after reading the Wiki article, where it said "There is also evidence that Montresor is almost as clueless about his motive for revenge as his victim." (It didn't hurt that it fit into the Cupcakes prompt for MMDGC.)

I wrote this in under 48 hours. I worked one of those days. <.< It's probably not a good contest entry, but I'm glad I was able to get it out. Hope you had a chuckle or two, that's all I was going for.