My Little Diamond

by ABagOVicodin

Rating: teen
Tags: Diamond Tiara, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Comedy
Length: 5145

A human finds Diamond Tiara in a box in Portland, Oregon. She quickly becomes the most annoying thing in his life... in Portland.

I've always wanted to raise my own child, but the means behind receiving one have always been beyond my reach. One particular morning, I found a filly in a box and brought her home. The only problem was that the filly was Diamond Tiara. I immediately regret my decision.

Featured on 3/31/2015. Why.

Published 2015-03-30 22:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-03-30 22:00:02 UTC

A HUGE Mistake

Ever since I had seen the show, I’ve always wanted my own pony.

I’ve always wanted a child, to be honest. To anyone it was obvious. Perhaps it was the fact that I was the only guy in a child development class of thirty students. Or that back during the experiment where you had to protect an egg, I cut a diaper for it out of felt and drew on eyes with permanent marker. I gave it a name, and yelled at my partner when she stored the egg in her bra to keep it warm. Sure, she didn’t have enough to crush it, but it was the principle that mattered. It was that kind of reckless behavior that pushed a girl towards clear heels, or a guy towards talk radio. Both were unforgivable.

But I digress. College is out. I just finished my classes, and passed each one with an A. I nearly burned myself out studying for finals, but the tired tears and sore wrists from writing essays eventually paid off.

Now it was the first day of vacation, and I had nothing to do. I could watch another pony episode, but after multitasking the seasons while studying, I simply wanted to do something else. There were coffee shops I could visit, since I had some spare money from my financial aid. But I wasn’t really in the mood for coffee. After relying on it to stay awake, I’d rather not touch a cup if I could help it.

I could take a trip towards my favorite arcade and set a few new high scores on the machines. But I practically had all my favorite games on my computer now. If you’re wondering about the legality of my video games, and whether I bought them, my answer would be “Yar har.”

I know what you’re thinking. “Dude, why don’t you just get a girlfriend? If you have that much spare time, and you want to have a kid, then why not start on the first step?”

Well that’s the thing. I don’t want to have a kid. I’m not going to just jump into a relationship, especially when I’m baby crazy to the point of insanity. What if the person I’m dating doesn’t want kids? Deal breaker. What if the person doesn’t accept that I’m a brony? Double deal breaker. I’m fine if my girlfriend isn’t a brony, but the last thing I want to deal with is someone’s judgment. I get enough of that.

I live in Portland. Perhaps that’s the first thing I should have mentioned. The girls here are insane. Actually, everyone here is insane. That seems better. I remember seeing some police entering a book store while I was looking for the pony comics. I was probably missing some context, but the last thing I heard was the owner comparing her counter to a moat and saying that she was King Arthur. Her pulling a candy cane out of her Christmas jar to wave it around while yelling out hashtags was probably the highlight of my day, but it didn’t make me trust the human species anymore.

Nevertheless, I was bored. I didn’t want to look around for a girl to take out, and I doubted that an adoption agency would even consider my credentials as a parent. As far as I knew, I just had to wait until my life was steady and perfect to bring a child into my life. That’s what I thought.

I found her in a box at the park, when I finally decided to get out of the house. It was still morning, which showed by the dew that clung to her box. The box was gigantic, and looked like it had been left overnight. Any longer and the pony inside would have definitely ran away. My eyes widened as I looked left and right. A few people seemed to be walking down roads or opening their stores, too busy to look at a random college student that just pulled a pony out of a box. Thankfully, I was able to pick up the pink pony and hide her in my jacket. She didn’t wake up while I ran her home, which was a blessing since I honestly didn’t know what to say once she did.

The pony slept for another hour and I stayed close by, leaving a bowl of water and apple nearby for when she woke up. To say I was excited was an understatement. Sure, I knew who this pony was. She was probably one of the most unpopular antagonists and fillies in the entire show, but I never minded when she was on screen. There had to be reason for her attitude. Perhaps her mother disappeared when Diamond was very young, and Diamond had to live with only a father figure. Maybe Diamond was like Babs Seed, and was teased before she moved to Ponyville. Or maybe she’s like so many other people with depression, who lash out when their mind decides to attack them.

Diamond opened her eyes, and I gasped. She looked around my kitchen, practically ignoring me until she noticed the bowl of water at her hooves. “Eww!” With a scoff that immediately tested my patience, she kicked the bowl of water. The water splashed over my face and I blinked as the bowl ricocheted off of my forehead. “Do you really expect me to drink out of a bowl like normal ponies?” she said, already injecting her voice with sarcasm and attitude that would warrant a Jerry Springer episode. “I expect my water in a Waterford glass goblet, served at exactly room temperature.”

Diamond then looked at the apple, and rubbed it on her coat. After breathing on it a few times, she took a bite. “Well at least you got the apple right. But I’ll have you know that if you expect to feed me any dinner, it better be free range oats, cut straight from the field and delivered to my plate via a Sterling Silver platter. And don’t even bring me that International Silver garbage. I’ll know.”

Now it was my turn to blink. That was the first thing that came to her mind? Not the fact that she was in a human world? Or that she wasn’t in Equestria? Or that creatures like me even existed? If this was some sort of subpar fanfiction, I wasn’t getting the joke.

“What?” I simply said as my brain took a moment to reboot.

Diamond Tiara stood up and stepped away, rubbing her wet hoof onto her coat. She rolled her eyes and then smiled, obviously faking. “Oh Daddy,” she said as she snuggled up next to me, her tail brushing against my back. “Can we go shopping?”

“Um… no?” I replied, remembering the many college classes that I took for this very moment. “You are going to eat what I give you, and you are going to like it.”

Ah hah. That put her in her place.

“But whyyyyyyy, Daddy?” Diamond whined as she pushed off of me and fell onto her back. She began to kick all of her legs, her tiara falling off in the process.

I sat and watched in horror as I remembered one of the elements of Diamond’s character that usually escaped me: she was a spoiled brat. Her legs turned into a maelstrom, flailing like an inflatable tube man. I sighed. If I didn’t give her what she wanted, I might as well change her name to “Migraine”. But if I did go shopping with her, that would admit defeat. As I looked into those candy colored eyes, accentuated with a puppy dog stare and smile, my will collapsed. She was a brat, but for the time being, she was my brat. The brat I always wanted, but would never be able to have until now. I had to be grateful. I stood up and grabbed my keys from a nearby rack.

“Ugh, fine!” I yelled amongst Diamond’s constant whine. “I’ll get you some free range whatever. Just please shut up.”

Almost immediately, Diamond stopped whining and was upright on her fours, smiling with her tiara back on her head. “Thank you, Daddy!” she said as she walked towards the door.

“Wait, wait!” I yelled as I ran to the door and locked it, turning around to face Diamond. “Are you insane? You don’t just run out into an unknown world! Just because you were out there in a box, doesn’t mean that everyone saw you.”

I held open my jacket and motioned for her to jump up into my chest. “Here, I can hide you in my jacket and I can just pretend that I have a baby or something.”

Diamond glared at me, raising an eyebrow as she crossed her forelegs. “As if. I’m a big filly, and I can go wherever I please. Either we walk out there without any sort of disguise, or I’m gonna start whining again.”

“No, no please. Don’t do that.” I begged. Despite the frustration that was beginning to sink in, I had to stay positive. Maybe she had just aged up a little more since the show, and was a teenager. Hence, more of a brat. She wasn’t this bad in the show. I think. “Fine,” I finally conceded as I opened the door. “Let’s go.”

I took a peek out the door and sighed upon seeing no one. A woman was running away from my house towards the park, so she thankfully wouldn’t see Diamond. “Alright.” I opened the door a little more, allowing Diamond outside. “Let’s keep it quiet, okay? Don’t talk to anyone, don’t look at anyone. No matter what they say.”

Diamond scoffed. “As if I would talk to your weird blank flank kind. I only talk to you because you have the common decency to learn from your mistakes.”

Somewhere in the depths of my heart, I felt something awaken. Was that Diamond’s roundabout way of saying that she loved me, and that she didn’t mind if I was her new father? She already called me “Daddy”. Perhaps my classes were working out after all.

Someone passed Diamond and I, and I began to panic. We had both walked to the end of the street, and we were seen by another human. “Did… did they look at you? Did they see you?” I asked Diamond. She scoffed again, adding another piece of straw to the bale of my annoyance.

“Of course they saw us.” Diamond waved at a barista across the street, who was too busy to wave back or acknowledge her. Annoyed, Diamond looked away. “I’m important enough to catch the attention of every creature here,” she mumbled.

I winced at her obvious rationalization. It was peculiar to say the least and beyond irrational at most. Did a pastel colored pink pony just not stand out as much as he thought it did? Perhaps the brony phenomenon had burned out the world so much that no one was surprised that someone bought a horse, painted it pink, and put a tiara on its head. Or maybe she couldn’t be seen? That seemed more plausible, and might be the case for why she was left in the box. Maybe no one saw her, and just thought that her box was empty. The way I saw it, the less questions, the better.

We reached the grocery store and I pulled a cart out from the rickety mess of metal that was probably made by an employee with one too many medical cards in his wallet. I picked Diamond up and put her into the seat, and strapped her in once she started to flail. Almost immediately, she pouted.

“I hate you,” she mumbled.

“Yeah yeah,” I replied as I rolled my eyes. “I know.”

I walked into the store and froze. My walk was longer than I thought. The checkout aisles were filled to the brim with carts and people, who shuffled forward after paying and being badgered for some plastic card on top of the other plastic card that was needed to pay. I reminded myself to jump off a bridge if my life ever reached that level of monotony.

“Hello there.”

I turned the voice and blinked. The greeter smiled and waved while holding out a pamphlet with the other hand. “Welcome to,” I immediately forgot the store name, “where we have the best prices for everything you need. In the back of the pamphlet, you’ll see the deals we have on toys today.”

“They better be real gold or at the very least, overlay,” Diamond mumbled.

“Wait wait,” I placed a hand onto the greeter’s shoulder. She grimaced, obviously uncomfortable. “Why would you suggest toys to me?” I asked.

The greeter, Michelle was her name, pointed at Diamond Tiara. “I just noticed that you had a child. We have huge discounts on all the My Little Pony toys. You’ll find them in aisle 26.”

I blinked and pointed at Diamond as well. “What? Her?”

Michelle nodded. “Yes. The candy colored pink equine in the basket does qualify as a child,” she replied. “Regardless of whether or not they come from another world. We at,” I forgot the name again, “pride ourselves in our acceptance of children, no matter the universe.”

“I…” The migraine was coming back. “And you don’t see the irony in recommending me a toy that comes from the same world as her? Or the fact that she is right there. Are you off your meds?”

Michelle paused. “I fail to see the correlation. You know, the idea that someone needs to be in the same universe as you to be your child is just a myth perpetrated by the man.”

“I’m going to go now.”

I hate Portland.

I tossed the pamphlet into the nearest trash can and pushed the cart alongside the aisles, searching for any sort of oats aisle. Diamond Tiara had grown bored and began to squirm. “I wanna get ouuuut of the basket!” Diamond whined.

I sighed and looked towards the cereal aisle, comparing prices per ounce and what was currently discounted. I didn’t even have a chance to look at the pamphlet before she piped up.

“Ooh, Daddy! I want the Super Duper Sugar Rush! Pleaaaaase?” she begged.

“No, I’m not going to get you this cereal because you aren’t going to eat it, it’s going to go stale, and I’m going to have to throw it away. Also it has red dye #2 and recent studies have shown that it is not healthy for any consumption but of course the corporations don’t care.” I paused, wondering if my sudden response showed that the Manchurian Candidate was correct.

I hate Portland.

“I hate you, Daddy! You never give me anything that I want!” Diamond Tiara pouted and kicked her legs, throwing a fit while I looked at the oats. I pretended not to notice despite my migraine coming back in full swing.

“What did you want again?” I asked.

“Super Duper Sugar Rush!” she whined again.

“It’s not happening,” I simply said as I turned one of the pages of the pamphlet. “Oh huh… Chocolate Puff Things are 2.49. That’s a one dollar mark down.”

“I WANT SUPER DUPER SUGAR RUSH!” Diamond screamed. A few shoppers that had walked down the aisle stared at me, and then parked their carts nearby me. I saw Diamond smirk at me, before she screamed again.

“Hey.” One of the women said as she flashed me a thumbs up. I had no idea why. “Good for you for not hitting her. I heard that allowing children to scream helps them find their individuality. You only need to endure a year of it, and then they become angels after that.”

I didn’t know what came over me, but it happened. I turned to the woman who was giving me terrible parenting advice and unstrapped Diamond Tiara from the cart. I then put her in the woman’s arms. “Here, have a free kid.”

“Hey! What are you doing, Daddy!” Diamond yelled as I began to walk out of the aisle.

“Don’t care!” I yelled as I waved behind me at Diamond.

“Don’t leave me with her! She smells like shame and vocational school!” Diamond begged. “I’ll get you back for this! I swear on Celestia!”

I could have sworn that the Hallelujah chorus played as I walked out the doors. I heard something about gluten-free oats and decided that I will never return.

~~~

I collapsed on my couch once I got home. It was quiet, apart from the sound of quiet chewing in the corner of the living room. I remembered seeing a blur in my peripheral vision once I crashed through the door, but I was operating on self-delusion.

“Ahh, nom,” the filly said as she sat in the armchair across from me, her hind legs crossed as she reached into a box of free range, gluten free Super Duper Sugar Rush.

“Should I even ask?” I mumbled into the couch cushions with a sigh.

“I snuck out while she was contemplating whether or not to use nuts in the brownies that she takes to yoga class.” Diamond replied as she munched on another hooful of oats.

“If Darwin was right, we wouldn’t have nut allergies.” I sat up and stared at Diamond. The dark circles under my eyes felt even more noticeable as I looked into a mirror that was across the room, placed in a vanity. “Or Portland in general.”

“Now, I know that you don’t like the fact that I know what I want,” Diamond Tiara started, but was interrupted by one of my biggest scoffs. She stared at me with a deadpan expression as I ran a hand through my hair in agitation. “But I have to admit, if everyone in this town is like that greeter, or that woman with nut allergies, then I’d rather stay here.”

I like how she just assumes that she already won. “You’re not staying here,” I replied in a matter of fact tone. “You’re a spoiled brat and if I bought you everything you wanted, I’d go bankrupt today.”

Diamond raised a hoof underneath her chin as she popped another oat into her mouth. “Good point. You’re a virgin college student with barely any money to your name.”

“I don’t see how virgin has anything to do with it,” I replied, annoyance lining my tone.

“Uh huh.” Diamond dropped the empty bag of oats onto the floor and picked up another from the plastic bag near the chair. She opened it and popped another into her mouth, which prompted me to stand up.

“Diamond, you’re going to spoil your dinner,” I immediately said.

Caught me.

“Are you saying that you’re going to make me dinner?” Diamond asked as she fluttered her eyebrows.

My shoulders slumped and I walked into the kitchen, pulling out a few pots and pans as I looked in my pantry. “What do you want?”

“Champagne and caviar atop Hay Cordon Bleu.” Diamond popped another oat into her mouth and turned the armchair to face me. Naturally, she was smiling like a puppy once more.

“Alright well, I don’t have that. I have rice, beans, rice, water, tap water, and my tears.” I pulled a can of beans out of the pantry and looked at the expiration date. After noticing that they were expired for over a month, I wondered if the beans would become sentient if I opened the can. Not taking any chances, I tossed the beans into my trash can. “Nix the beans.”

“So you have rice and water?” Diamond asked incredulously. “How do you live in here?”

“Day by day, usually with coffee.” I filled up a pot with water and started cooking. Sometime between me rummaging through the silverware and finding an additional pot, Diamond had moved to the dining room chair. She set out two silverware sets, each folded into triangles as if we were in restaurants with reviews and free refills.

“Where are your parents?” Diamond asked as she pulled a chair to one of the kitchen cupboards to grab the both of us cups.

“Why do you care?” I asked as I poured a large helping of rice into the now boiling water and turned down the heat.

“You wear your heart on your shoulder more than you think.” Diamond set the cups on the table and sat back down. She turned her chair towards me as she continued. “It’s all in your face. You make the same face as my real dad from time to time whenever you’re faking a smile, or trying to keep your cool.”

I bit my lip and looked down at the boiling water, but by the time I realized that I had affirmed Diamond’s suspicions, she had continued. “Like that. My real dad has this presence around him, like he knows exactly what he wants the moment he looks at somepony. But when it comes to me, he makes that face. Or one close to it.” Diamond sighed. “Dad’s too busy to spend time with me anymore, since he just opened up new businesses in Vanhoover, Germaney, and the Griffin Empire.”

For once, I wished that I wasn’t right.

“As you’d expect, maids and butlers took care of me the past few years. Mom’s been gone a while, and he thinks that she’s going to come back.” Diamond scoffed. “Yeah, just like me.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked as I leaned back against the refrigerator and crossed my arms. My stomach turned over as the past few hours played over in my head. How had she managed to turn from an obnoxious brat into an empath? Along with that, who was playing the therapist? Me? Or her? “Why are you even here? How did you get here?”

“I’m not allowed to say.” Diamond picked up one of the napkins and unfolded it, before placing it into her lap. “But I’m here for a simple reason: I want to see if my dad will notice that I’m gone.”

“Are you insane?!” I yelled as I threw my arms up to the ceiling and turned around, mind racing with the consequences of apparent foalnapping. I turned back around and turned off the stove. “You aren’t staying here. Last thing I need is some interdimensional pony bursting through my door and kicking me in the face.”

“My dad and Silver Spoon are both going on vacation for a month, so they wouldn’t notice if I was gone. Dad also forgot to pay the maids and butlers, so they were gone when I woke up.”

“God, that’s depressing,” I muttered as I filled a plate with rice and pulled a myriad of sauces out of the refrigerator for her to use. I sat down at the table with her, my own plate in front of me. But now that I thought about it, I really wasn’t hungry.

Diamond picked at her food, but she seemed more interested in talking than eating. “I decided that I’d take my own vacation too. I guess I’m just lucky that I ended up at your house and not that lady you left me with.”

I laughed and ran a hand through my hair. “Sorry but… you just set me off. What was your deal anyway? You practically acted half your age just because I wouldn’t give you a box of cereal.”

Diamond shrugged as she pulled the box of Super Duper Sugar Rush out from underneath her chair. “I got what I wanted.”

“But I didn’t get you any silver toys or International whatever,” I mumbled as I waved my hand in annoyance.

Diamond laughed. “I thought you were smarter than that. Why do you think you weren’t arrested for leaving a ‘child’ alone with a stranger?”

“Um…” I paused. “I forgot that there were cops in this town?”

“No, cause you did what a real dad would do. You didn’t tolerate my whining.” Diamond held out the box of cereal. I looked at it, and then swiped it from her hooves. Closing it up, Diamond began to eat as I placed the cereal high in my pantry, practically unobtainable by regular filly means. “Obviously your parenting could use a little work, but you feel like more of a dad than my actual one. How about we make a deal?” Diamond crossed her arms and smirked. “Be my dad for the month. I want to know what it feels like to not be raised by butlers, since you obviously can’t afford them.”

“You know…”

“And in return, I’ll be your daughter for a month. It’s a simple deal, and you have no choice in the matter. The moment you say no, I start screaming.”

I rolled my eyes and moved my plate forward. Then, I hit my head to the table with a resounding “thud” and sighed. “Are you going to listen to me?”

“No promises.”

“Are you going to at least treat me like a dad, but without making it all creepy and weird.”

“Well, yeah. Don’t get your hopes up.” Diamond held out her glass, and I grabbed it and filled it up with tap water. Setting it back down next to her plate, I rested my head on my fist. It had barely been two hours since Diamond had appeared in my life, turned it upside down, and was now offering to stay with me for a month. Only in Portland, would this fly.

“Fine.”

Diamond’s eyes widened to the size of dinnerplates, before she brushed her hoof against her shoulder and smirked. “Of course you would. Why wouldn’t you want the best daughter in the world?!” Diamond winked, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“The bar’s not very low, Diamond,” I replied as I took a bite of rice. A sudden thought occurred to me, and I looked towards the plastic bag near the armchair. “Now that I think about it, you never said what you were going to do to me for revenge.” I pointed my fork at her. “You still thinking?”

Diamond raised an eyebrow, and then laughed. “Just wait.”

~~~

“Daddy, I’m gonna go out now!”

“Hold on a second!”

I stopped Diamond in the hallway with one of my feet and crossed my arms as I looked down at her. It had been a week since I agreed to let her stay over, and she had already made a large amount of “friends” in the community. I say “friends” because she always loved to come home after a fun party and make fun of whoever she met while she was there. I recalled someone whose gender Diamond couldn’t guess, and she joked that no one in Equestria had an ambiguous gender, except for Mare-Do-Well. But no one spoke of Mare-Do-Well.

I pointed towards Diamond Tiara’s crown. “You’re wearing rubies in your crown.”

Diamond Tiara sighed. “But Daddy, they’re fashionable and so in this season!” she whined.

“I’m not going to have you leaving this house dressed with rubies in your crown. It’s not July, and ruby isn’t a fashionable color in the fall,” I said, echoing some online article that I read a while ago, one that I probably didn’t even trust.

Diamond raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure that you’re not my mom?” she said with a laugh.

I couldn’t help but laugh myself, and I quickly thought of a joke to change her mind. “You know who also wears rubies? Hitler.”

Diamond blinked. “Who?”

“Rarity.”

Without another word, Diamond screamed and dashed back into her room. I remember seeing her with a diamond tiara when I walked her home, so that was good enough for me. We joked about all the people that I saw, united in our annoyance of the people of Portland. People that wore rollerskates with just a speedo on, or believed that “the man” was still used in 2015. You know, idiots.

I was warming up to her. We finished each other’s jokes, and complained together about the lack of airtime and rollover minutes on our new phone plan. She was a brat, spoiled down to her very core. But she was my brat. One that helped me realize that I wanted a real child now more than ever.

~~~

When the final day came around, I woke up to the unfamiliar sound of silence. Usually the sound of hooves clopping out of the hallway woke me up, but that wasn’t the case today. I remember falling asleep to a movie with Diamond, since she forbid me from watching anything pony related because it was “too creepy” and “I was remotely better than that”.

“Diamond?”

I stood up and walked into my bedroom, where I found my bed completely made. From sheets to the pillows up top, the bed looked like a display for a furniture store when a hobo or overly enthusiastic customer wasn’t sleeping on it. On the pillow was a letter, written on notebook paper. I picked it up and sat down, immediately recognizing the writing as Diamond’s.

“Dear Daddy,

This past month has been one of the most fun experiences of my life. I’m sorry that I couldn’t say good-bye to you, since I needed to be home sooner than I thought. I also couldn’t show you where the portal back to Equestria was, because of obvious reasons.

You’re going to be a great dad. I can already tell. You tried your hardest in the month that I was here, and you should be proud of that. If you ever manage to go outside, you might have a kid one day. One that you could copy all of your insecurities and crushed dreams onto. A Psychology degree? Really?

I’m just kidding. You’re not half bad. I might come back and visit one day, if you have enough room for me.

Until then,
Diamond Tiara

P.S.: Move.

P.P.S.: Check your phone~”

I looked towards my phone, which was on my bedside table, and grabbed it. I turned it on, and then smiled with tears in my eyes.

Set as my background was a picture of Diamond Tiara, taking a selfie while I was asleep. Blinking back tears, I closed the phone and held it in my hands as I sobbed.

“Thank you, Diamond,” I muttered to the phone.

I’ll never forget her. That brat of a filly that made an otherwise boring month one of the best of my life. The filly that proved to me that I wanted a child more than anything. My obnoxious, annoying, emasculating, whining brat, Diamond Tiara.

God… what the hell is wrong with me?

Author's Note

I hate this fic. It's so bad. Why.