Chrysalis Buys A Puppy Farm
“My Queen, are you sure this is a good idea?” asked Wing Buzz, Queen Chrysalis’s personal changeling servant and foot stool.
Shifting away from pony disguise number fifty-two, pretty-pink-pony-with-plus-size-flanks-that-give-mares-and-colts-early-spring-fever, Chrysalis declared, “Of course it is, Flutter
Sprite.”
“Wing Buzz, your eminence,” he corrected, gritting his fangs.
“Whatever. Buying that pony farmer’s puppy farm will feed me for ages. And my hive, too, I suppose. Waggling my heat-inducing pink tush helped bring the price down by twenty percent. The fastest way to a colt’s purse strings is through his groin, after all.”
“But they’re leaving this foul-smelling . . . by-product all over the cave!”
“I think that’s the content of their bodies being shed. Like a growing hatchling’s old carapace peeling away. I’m sure that’s science.”
“It’s disgusting,” he whinged.
She waved away his complaints. “Just hold your breath when you clean up after them.”
“ME?” His compound eyes bugged out, more than usual.
Chrysalis’s oddly cat-like eyes filled his vision. “Yes, you dolt! Don’t let any of them starve or I’ll feed YOU to them!”
“Do you even know what these . . . beasts even eat?”
“I threw my back out waving my posterior at the farmer while he was telling me a puppy’s diet. The pain made it almost impossible to keep hold of my disguise, much less listen to him. So, no.”
The Queen must be driven mad with hunger to pull a stunt like this, Wing Buzz pondered as he backed away from an inquisitive Germaniegh Shepherd pup. Why else would she spend the hive’s (stolen) petty cash on something that didn’t involve invading Equestria again?
Wait, why didn’t she spend those bits on another invasion?
Chrysalis rubbed her hole-pocked hooves together. “Oh, this is a much better idea than another invasion!”
“How?”
“Because those blasted ponies are onto us, Flitter Wind.”
“Wing Buzz.”
“Didn’t I say that?” Chrysalis snapped.
“No, you . . .”
“After I and my hive got blasted out of Canterlot by Princess Mucha Lucha and Prince Shiny Tin Foil, or whatever their names are, I decided to find an alternate source of food.”
“Puppies?”
“Puppies.”
Wing Buzz picked up one puppy after pulling it’s nose free from one of his leg holes. “I suppose these creatures will last us a while.”
“That’s the plan,” she said, lifting her chin up in pride.
“The larger changelings will require larger portions of them, however.”
“You don’t EAT them, you twit!”
Wing Buzz was so startled by her sudden outburst, he dropped the puppy. It hit the muck-stained floor with an adorable “Werp!” noise.
In spite of his disdain for the new fuzzy arrivals into the hive cave, a small portion of his mind, that had a soft spot for lesser creatures, i.e. not changelings, cooed “Awww, the widdle baby went werp!”
“Well, what are they good for?”
“Love. Pure, unconditional love. I got the idea while I was putting the whammy on Prince Shiny Coin. He told me he had nothing but puppy love for me. When I asked him what a puppy was, the shock of my question released him from my mind control.”
“How did you regain control of the Prince?”
“I brained him silly with a frying pan. Worked like a charm. Made it easier to regain control of his mind, actually. Anyway, before that purple pony Toilet Spackle blew my cover, the Prince told me where the puppy farm was.”
Wing Buzz looked at the three dozen furballs bounding around the cave. They sniffed at everything. They released yellow territory marks on everything. They kept trying to gain the attention . . . no, the affection of the Queen and himself.
With large, pleading brown eyes, questing cold noses and pitable whimpers, they seemed to be as ravenous for love as any changeling. Or perhaps they were simply hungry.
Wing Buzz picked up one of the puppies and pressed it’s plump belly against his ear-disk. A mournful ‘MMRBL’ sound greeted him. Didn’t ponies have these organs called ‘stomachs’ that growled when they were empty? What did those four legged foes eat, anyway?
He heard a rumor that a farmer mare named Palletjack sold these red things called apples to her fellow ponies.
Maybe that’s what puppies eat, Wing Buzz thought, having employed deductive logic backed by complete and flawless ignorance.
“I’ll started feeding them right away, my Queen.”
* * *
Queen Chrysalis’s eyes glowed like fireworks as she bared her teeth at her personal servant and wing-scrubber.
“What have you done to my puppies?” She screeched. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t brain YOU with a frying pan!”
It wasn’t just a lack of life-giving love that made Wing Buzz’s four knees knock together. When Chrysalis was this angry, the population of the hive tended to drop like a brick. Wing Buzz was beginning to feel decidedly brick-like.
“I thought puppies were like ponies. In that they also eat apples.”
“Do ponies also shed their bodies through their mouths after devouring these apples?” She demanded, expecting the answer to be ‘no’.
“I-I’m not sure, your prominence. After the ‘Canterlot Incident”, as you call it, we were not allowed anywhere near the ponies for fear that Princess Sun-Tattoo would sniff us out.”
Chrysalis raised a hoof to kick her servant across the roomful of puppies that alternated between being hungry or sick. But within the heat-haze of her frustrated rage, she had to grudgingly admit that keeping her hive in complete ignorance of the surface world was’nt panning out for her. Or her hive.
“Listen, Mandible . . .”
“Wing Buzz.”
“I just said that!” she fumed. Clearing her throat, she continued, “As I was saying, Prince Shine Shoes told me about a pony that cares for animals near the Neverfree Woods. Sputter Flies is her name, I believe. Put on a pony body and ask her what puppies eat.”
* * *
Chrysalis wasn’t raging this time, much to Wing Buzz’s relief. He was feeling fairly energetic, actually. It might have have something to do with the large pile of puppy food that he had made and dumped into the middle of the make-shift dog kennel. The recipe that the butter-colored mare gave him was an instant crowd-pleaser with the ravenous pups.
“Ahh, feel that sweet, filling, unconditional love,” purred Chrysalis.
Wing Buzz nodded. “I must confess this is easier than trying to glean love from mimicking famous ponies.”
“I can see why these creatures are so popular with ponies. Dogs, unlike ponies, require nothing but food and a place to stay. It must be nice to be such a simple animal. They don’t understand they are being used.”
“Maybe they don’t care as long as they get what they want. Or need.”
She waved a dismissive hoof as she wandered away from the kennel, burping from the rich sweetness of puppy love. “Just keep feeding them. If they can feed the hive this well as puppies, imagine what they’ll do for us as adults.”
* * *
Wing Buzz, ignored advisor and leg-hole cleaner to Queen Chrysalis, was clinging to a stalactite. Beneath him, several adult Germaniegh Shepherds were jumping and snapping enthusiastically at him. His left wing had a bite-size hole in it. Who would have thought that raising dozens of dogs without a day of obedience training amongst them would result in roving packs of furry monsters that loved to hunt down and chew on faithful assistants to the Queen?
“Have you seen my frying pan anywhere, Chitin Shine?” snarled the Queen above him, her hooves slipping on the stalactite as she struggled to hang on.
“Wing B . . . oh, never mind.”
“This is your problem, nitwit! They aren’t even giving out love anymore. All any change-ling is getting from these monsters is the urge to play and chew! And that’s not healthy eating!”
He looked down at the numerous sets of sharp, enthusiastic teeth that snapped at him whenever he slipped down. “I suppose I could visit that zoo-pony Butter Grills or whatever her name was and get some advice.”
“Good idea. Go!” She commanded, kicking him loose from the rock. With his left wing damaged, he could only fly sideways out of the cave.
* * *
The small, pointy-eared creature, which seemed to be composed of claws and hatred, hissed at Wing Buzz, Queen Chrysalis’s servant and shoulder to cry on.
“I can’t understand it, Wing Buzz!” wailed the Queen as she lay helpless on the cave floor, her stomach growling it’s loudest growl in years. “What are these creatures that vet-pony brought us?”
“My name’s . . . oh. These animals are called cats, sworn enemy of all canines. They certainly cleared out those dogs in a hurry. I was told that a local clothier pony, Rare Disease, has one of these in her home. ”
“Why?”
“Why what, my insolence?”
“Why would that pony willingly let one of these selfish, violent terrors into her house? They only notice me when they get fed. They sharpen their claws on my hooves. They act like . .”
“Queens?”
She glared at him with a familiar level of fury. Her slitted eyes dilated as she pondered the best method of yelling at her belligerent, righteous, insubordinate . . .
. . . absolutely right servant.
“Yes,” she complied reluctantly. She let her weary head hit the floor with a thump. “It was so much easier to get love with just puppies.”
“The animal-pony told me something you should bear in mind. ‘To some people, cats are just evil, ill-tempered creatures that take but never give’.”
Chrysalis barked a laugh. “Right the first time.”
“There’s more. ‘But cats are a lot like people in that they can love somepony if that love is earned. Cats are solitary by nature and can be very picky about the company they keep. If they think that you are worthy of love, if you can prove that you won’t hurt them or take advantage of them, they’ll be a friend for life’.”
The Queen thumped a hoof on the floor in impotent anger. “But I don’t want friends! I want love! Lots of it! Enough to make me too fat to fly!”
“You also wanted puppies, but look how well that turned out.”
“Are you saying we should get rid of these cats? I’m out of stolen bits! What other animal can I use to feed me? My hive, I mean.”
Wing Buzz shook his head. “I don’t think we should try another species.”
“What do we do then, fool?”
He stamped his hoof and yelled, “For starters, you can stop calling me names!”
A few cats ran away from his sudden outburst.
Her jagged horn glowed green for a moment. That servant was about to get bounced off the walls. But then she saw more of the felines scatter away from the sudden turmoil.
He pleaded with her, waving his hooves over the fuzzy crowd. “They don’t like noise, my Queen. They don’t like it when you or I shout. They need reassurance that this is a safe place to live. Cats need to be given love before they give any love in return. They’re a bit like dogs, in that respect.”
“But they don’t come when I call them!”
“You’ll have to meet them halfway. Approach them as you talk. If they let you touch them, then you’ll get love.”
Chrysalis grimaced. “You mean . . . I have to work at getting love? I have to actually concern myself with their needs?”
“Love is a lot like respect, I find. The more you demand, the less you’ll get.”
Queen Chrysalis thought about that for a moment. One cat cautiously approached her, mewing inquisitively. She slowly held out a hoof and quietly called to the animal.
“It’s all right, little one. I’m not so bad once you get to know me.”
“That’s a laugh,” Wing Buzz whispered to himself.
The cat slowly padded over to the hoof and began to rub its head against it. A moment later, it began to purr. Another moment later, Chrysalis began to purr as well.
“Yesss. Sweeter than puppy love,” moaned Chrysalis as she scooped the content feline up into her front legs. “Oh, I feel so much better.”
As her strength returned, so did the clarity of her mind. Wing Buzz said he found that respect was earned. How much respect did she ever give him? Or anyone? He did everything she told him to do, no matter how mad those orders seemed at the time.
How much appreciation did she show for his efforts?
How much respect did she ever earn?
Not enough to keep her from getting yelled at.
Maybe I could do with one friend, Chrysalis thought.
“I’m sorry I called you a fool, Wing Buzz,” she said meekly.
Quietly relishing the rare apology from The Iron Bug, as her guards called the Queen behind her back, he shrugged and replied, “It’s all right. Let’s just stick with these creatures for a while and see what happens.”
She nodded. “Good idea.”
The cat stopped purring, pulled itself free from her hooves and scampered away. It climbed atop a hill and began to lick it’s paws, ignoring the Queen and her harried assistant and friend.
“I only got enough love from that cat to last me a day,” Chrysalis lamented.
“Love is more precious when it’s rare.”
She rubbed her chin and thought. “Perhaps these cats will provide more love if I feed them more?”
“Oh, without a doubt. Cats get just as hungry as dogs.”
“What do cats eat?”
“The butterfly-butt pony said something about them eating rats.”
“Well, it’s settled then! Go grab a few of my soldiers and start a rat farm! I’m sure they won’t be hard to deal with.”
* * *
Later on, the Queen would learn quite a bit about rats before she had to relocate her hive towards less infested climes.
Specifically, she learned that rats eat anything that can’t run away fast enough if they are hungry, which is all the time. And they often carry fleas, which sometimes carry fatal diseases.
“That’s it,” she grumbled as she took off into the night sky with what remained of her hive. “No more animals. From now on, I’ll get my free love from mimicking famous ponies again. Maybe if I imitated Princess Crescendo once more. Or whatever her name is . . .”
Wing Buzz, Queen Chrysalis’s long-suffering friend, slapped his forehead with a hoof and groaned.
“Oh, all right!” she cried in dramatic exasperation, waving her hooves in the air. “I’ll try to actually earn love. But how?”
“Well, we’ve had a lot of experience with animals. Perhaps I can ask the animal-pony what we should do.”
Chrysalis’s eyes suddenly gleamed as she grinned wickedly. “That won’t be necessary. I know how we can get all the love we can eat.”
“I’m almost afraid to ask,” he said, gnawing another hole into his right hoof.
“We’ll become pest exterminators! Cats get rid of dogs. Rats remove cats. Fleas wipe out everything. We’ll simply apply this hard-earned knowledge towards helping ponies cleanse their homes of any intrusive species! They’ll love us for that service!”
“But what gets rid of fleas?” queried Wing Buzz.
She pondered this for as long as she could, which was three seconds. “Spiders? I’ll let you research that, my friend. We’ll set up shop in the nearest town tomorrow. Alert the others.”
Hanging his head low, he muttered his compliance and drifted towards the accompanying hive. While he rolled his compound eyes in utter despair, he wondered if the nearest town sold frying pans. If they did, he’d buy the biggest one they had.
One big enough for a queen.
Author's Note
I don't know of any dog-themed songs for this silly tale. Maybe "The Happy Puppy" by Bent Fabric?
