Twilight Sparkle Bucks Herself

by Frogmyre

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2601

When an angry pony, whom Twilight may or may not have cut off, tells her to buck herself, she decides to do just that.

After Twilight unceremoniously cuts off a pony at the super-market, she's told to buck herself.

After pondering the possibilities, she decides to do just that.

Published 2015-01-30 17:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-30 17:10:02 UTC

In the Face

Princess Twilight Sparkle, head and only librarian in Ponyville, was out of quills. Now this was not a particularly rare happenstance, nor did Twilight herself usually mind when this happened. However, this time was different. Why? Because she knew Davenport was on his last shipment of quills. However, he still had quite a large stock of sofas. Twilight knew this because she was the largest buyer of quills in Ponyville, and by her own calculations, the thirty-second largest buyer in Equestria.

The largest buyer, however, did not mean the only buyer. A fact she learned when she trotted purposefully into the store. At least, she tried to trot purposefully. This failed because of an unexpected variable in her plan of walking into the store. That of a large group of ponies swarming around the store, and a very long line. Twilight looked over the line and tried to guess how many ponies there were. She lost count by the hundreds.

"How many ponies could possibly want a quill?" Twilight thought. Or at least, she thought she had thought that. In reality, she had almost shouted it to the crowd. A tan brown earth pony that Twilight recognized as Davenport, worked his way through the crowd, until he managed to free himself from it, and face Twilight.

"Why, it's my favorite princess, Twilight Sparkle!" exclaimed Davenport.

"You know I don't like being treated any different now that I'm a princess. Now, can you let me into you store so I can buy one of your quills?" Twilight asked.

"Of course, Princess," responded Davenport. He then shouted out, "Make way, Princess Twilight Sparkle wants to buy one of my quills!"

"The Princess?!" exclaimed a majority of the crowd, although one of them just muttered, "She's only an alicorn." They then parted in a single majestic movement that was ruined by a majority of them tripping over the bushes that were surrounding the store.

"Ignore them, Princess, and follow me," said Davenport as he walked through the gap that had now been created. Sensing that Davenport wouldn't take 'no' for an answer, Twilight followed him into his store.

When she went through the door, which Davenport held open for her, she noticed several odd things. Well, to be exact, the same weird thing multiple times and in different variations. This weird thing being a cardboard cutout of herself. Several of them were scattered around the store, each showing her in a different pose. There was even one with her wearing stripy socks. Which was even more weird because she didn't normally wear socks, and certainly never those socks.

"Davenport?"

"Yes Princess?"

"Why are there so many cardboard cutouts of me?"

"Oh, I see you've noticed my newest advertisement scheme. If you don't mind, I'm using your image to promote my store. I mean, it's not every store in Equestria that has a Princess be a regular customer. I just had to jump on this opportunity," explained Davenport, having finally reached the counter. He trotted to the back before Twilight could say anything and returned with a quill.

"I... don't remember giving you permission to use my image, did I?" Twilight asked when he returned, as he laid the quill on the counter.

"Well, I never managed to get in contact with you. But I talked with your dragon, and he said it was okay," Davenport cheerfully explained. "And if your dragon says it's okay with you, it must be. And since your such a valuable customer, I'll even give you this quill for free."

"Mental note: Tell Spike to never allow my image to be used without asking me first," thought Twilight, before saying, "Davenport, you know I can't accept this quill. I have to pay you somehow."

"Just being visited by you is payment enough," said Davenport, pushing the quill towards Twilight. "I insist you take it."

"I visit here once a month," Twilight exclaimed as she started to get irritated. She pushed the quill back towards Davenport and said, "I have to pay you," as she levitated three bits out of her bag and pushed them towards him.

"Please take it," Davenport insisted, sounding a bit more forceful as he pushed the coins back towards Twilight.

"I have to pay," said Twilight, irritated, as she pushed the bits back to Davenport.

"Fine. Two bits!" exclaimed Davenport as he pushed a coin back towards her.

"Three!" A coin moved.

"Two!" It moved again.

"Three!" Once more it moved.

"One!" This time, two moved at once.

"Wha- No, three!" They moved back.

"Four!"

"Deal! Wait, what?" Twilight asked, as she realized what Davenport had said.

"No take-backs. Four bits, and you'll get your quill," said Davenport, his cheerful tone suddenly replaced by a frigid one.

"Fine," grumbled Twilight. Apparently alicorn Princesses did not get discounts. She levitated out another bit and placed it on the counter.

"Thank you, Princess," said Davenport, as Twilight picked the quill up and left.

Twilight was still grumbling about having to pay an extra bit, when she bumped into another pony. A quick look over revealed that he was a blue-coated, brown maned pegasi. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there," Twilight apologized.

"Oh like that makes it any better," the pegasi shouted, sounding very angry for reasons Twilight couldn't think of. He continued, "You know, Princess, I'm getting really tired of... well, you!" as he gestured towards all of her.

"Who-" Twilight started, but the pegasi just continued and ignored her.

"I'll tell you why," he answered a question that he wasn't asked, "It's because you think that just because you're a princess that you're better than the rest of us!"

"No I don-" Twilight attempted to interrupt him again, but failed.

"With your advertisement of stores, your cutting through line, your wings, your whole attitude... I'm just sick of it. You know, I was next in line at the store. But no... you just had to be impatient and cut through the line, all because you're a princess! Well, do you know what I say to you?! Go buck yourself!" He continued for awhile, something about pineapples from what Twilight picked up, but she wasn't paying him much attention.

For upon hearing him say 'go buck yourself' Twilight got a brilliant idea. "Well, I don't see why I couldn't! It shouldn't be too hard. There aren't many spells, but ways exist, don't they? Of course they do! Why, just imagine using the Mirror Pool! And I bet the Canterlot Archives are just filled with the kinds of spells I need!" Twilight thought, as she then said, "Thank you!" and ran off.

"-and then with a FLAMING cactus! Wait, what?" the pegasi had a confused look on his face as he saw the Princess rush off into the distance.

A train trip and an hour later, Twilight was finally at the entrance to the Canterlot Archives. It was guarded by what looked like a simple door. Of course, Twilight knew that looks were deceiving, and that that was the most magically protected door in all of Canterlot. Any intruder would quickly regret ever trying to force the door open. And that's even ignoring the bulky earth ponies guarding the door. Celestia had once tried using unicorns to guard the door. Unfortunately, it didn't work. Fortunately, however, she had gotten several more frogs and newts for her aquarium.

"Hello there, Princess. Just stopping by Canterlot?" the earth pony closest to her asked.

"Actually, no. I'm looking for a spell. Do you think you could let me into the Archives?" Twilight asked him, for he was a stallion. At least, she thought he was. Under all that armor, and all the spells cast over it, it was hard to really tell.

"Certainly, Princess. Right this way," he said, walking past the other earth ponies, and opening the door for her.

"Thank you," said Twilight as she walked past him into the Archives. "Now, where would that spell be?" thought Twilight, as she strolled through the many shelved scrolls. Some were made with paper, some with a form of papyrus, she even saw one made with dragon scale. She tried her best to ignore that last one, as she took one down randomly. Noticing it was an easy one, she cast it. However, absolutely nothing happened, which quite surprised her.

Several scrolls, a frog, three newts (apparently there was an amphibian lover somewhere), a miniature rainbow, and a small horde of parasprites later, Twilight was stumped. She had been certain there was a spell somewhere in there to create a copy of herself. Even Star Swirl's section didn't have anything. Just some spell for destroying most of Equestria should the caster be in a bad mood.

"Well, I suppose the Mirror Pool is up next," thought Twilight, a small frown on her face. Not that she noticed, but her mane and tail were fraying, which was not a good sign.

Another train trip back to Ponyville, a teleportation spell, and a levitation spell for the rock blocking the entrance, Twilight was finally at the entrance to the Mirror Pool. What was meant as a graceful hop into the hole quickly turned into a messy affair, after she got her hoof stuck in an upraised root which caused her to trip, and roll through the entrance.

Covered in dirt, Twilight was finally in the cavern of the Mirror Pool. Shaking off most of the dirt, she trotted over to the pool's edge, and looked into it. As she had expected, she could her reflection clearly in the water. "So how did that chant go? 'And into her own reflection she stared, yearning for one whose reflection she shared, and solemnly sweared not to be scared at the prospect of being doubly mared!' I believe,"

A burning Ponyville, a cacophony of screams from ponies either on fire, or who had houses which were on fire, or just liked screaming. The smell of a burning tree, complete with burning books, Twilights everywhere, each shouting out 'Science' and prancing around. The original Twilight sitting in the burnt remains of the tree, mane frayed to an unrecognizable state, unable to cast any magic.

Those images passed through the mind of Twilight just before she actually said anything. Shuddering, she realized that most of that was quite possible had she carried out her plan. For each Twilight would have wanted another Twilight to experiment on, who would want another Twilight, and the process carrying on infinitely. "Well, there's another option, isn't there? Off to the badlands with me!" thought Twilight. What she would have noticed, had she looked back into the Mirror Pool, was her mane and tail fraying even more. For reasons she didn't understand, not that she hadn't tried to find out multiple times, her levels of sanity were tied to the condition of her mane.

Several hours, three train rides, a hop, a skip, and a step later, Twilight found herself at the edge of the Badlands. A group of ponies, probably from the Royal Guard, said, "Halt, Princess. What is your mission here?"

"Actually... looking for you!" responded Twilight, pointing her hoof at a pony somewhere in the middle. "Steadfast Duty was it?" she asked.

The brown coated unicorn who responded, looked extremely nervous. "Y-y-yes Your H-h-h-highness?" he answered, stuttering, and showing he was as nervous as he looked.

"Could I speak with you privately?" Twilight asked, pouring as much sugar as she could into those six words. The other guard ponies, upon hearing this, decided to answer for Steadfast and rushed away, back into the outpost that was nearby. They had grown up in Ponyville, having only left recently, and they recognized Twilight's current state of hair. "Oh good, we're alone," said Twilight, a grin across her face, as she showed far too many teeth.

Steadfast, who had not been raised in Ponyville, did not know what her fraying mane and tail meant, and just thought the grin was supposed to be creepy. If he had known it was Twilight's attempt at being nice, he would have ran for his life then and there, knowing his comrades would forgive him. "Could you do me a favor?" asked Twilight, that grin still on her face, her mane fraying further, definitely not a good sign.

Steadfast inadvertently gulped as he answered, "Y-y-y-yes, Princess."

"Yay," said Twilight as she clapped her hooves together like a little filly. "Would you mind taking my form for a few minutes and telling me how much something hurts?"

"WHA- WHAT?!" exclaimed Steadfast, as a green fire washed over him. When it finished, a changeling stood in his place. "How did you know I was a changeling?" he asked, buzzing. For he was in fact a changeling, sent by Queen Chrysalis to infiltrate the new outpost and report their actions.

"Did you really think that you could infiltrate the Royal Guard without somepony finding out?" Twilight asked, still grinning like a mad mare, as she let out a little chuckle, scaring Steadfast far more than she had intended. "Anyway, if you don't do this for me, I might accidentally let slip that you're a changeling."

"Not much of a choice is it?" muttered the changeling, currently cowering behind a rock.

"Excuse me?" asked Twilight, glaring at the changeling, as she levitated the rock to reveal him.

"Nothing!" he exclaimed, before saying, "Alright, I'll do it." Having said so, the changeling was then washed over by a green fire once again. When it dissipated, Princess Twilight found herself faced with an identical copy of herself.

"Perfect," said the Princess, as she turned around, and tried to position herself into the optimum bucking position, and accidentally dropping the rock on her copy's head while she did so. She ran several calculations through her head as she continued to find the best possible position. Finally, after a bit of trigonometry, she found the best place to be, and she had calculated the most amount of force she could produce. And then she let loose with her two back hooves hitting the changeling version of herself, who had staggered back into place, a large knot on his head.

"OUCH!" exclaimed the changeling, having reverted to his normal insectoid form. "That hurt a lot!"

"Thank you!" Twilight thanked the changeling as he took the form of Steadfast Duty again. "But could you tell me how much?" she asked. However, she got no response. This was probably due to the fact that he was currently unconscious, having gone through far too much for one day. Twilight sighed, and walked off.

" Tell me, Princess Twilight Sparkle, what does that have to do with... this?" asked Celestia after Twilight had finished telling her story, as she gestured with her hoof over all of Ponyville. Twilight noted the orange light Celestia was current bathed in fit her quite well. Probably because of her being the Princess of the Sun. The screams on the other hoof, not so much.

"Do you remember that spell I cast back in Canterlot?" Twilight asked her mentor, who was currently sitting next to her on the hill overlooking Ponyville.

"You're telling me that that spell caused Ponyville to burst into flames?" Celestia asked, puzzled as to how that had even happened.

Twilight, ignoring the fire currently spreading over Ponyville, which seemed to totally ignore the ponies themselves, and just leaped from building from building, responded, "Who would have guessed what burn after reading meant?"

Author's Note

Written over the course of one day.