Meatheads

by chief maximus

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Original Character, Comedy, Fluttershy, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack
Length: 3508

Rainbow's got a problem. A large, jacked, gym obsessed problem.

Not much was known about Rainbow Dash's family life, until one day, her brothers decided to pay her a visit.

Published 2015-02-23 04:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-23 04:00:02 UTC

Lift, do you even?

Rainbow paced nervously around her living room. Not much would bring her to such a state, but if there was one thing that made her nervous, it was anything Wonderbolt related. She had already made it into the reserves, and had impressed both Soarin and Spitfire on more than one occasion. However, this was different. This time, she'd managed to get both captains of the Wonderbolts over to her house for dinner to discuss the future of the organization. A future that could very well include a young, ambitious pegasus with an 'unique' mane and a never-say-never attitude!

If this dinner went well, that is.

Let's see, I fed Tank, made dinner, set the table, cleaned up the house, showered, brushed my mane and tail, found a bottle of the prissiest wine Rarity could think of... I think this is gonna work!

Try as she might, she couldn't shake the nagging feeling that she'd forgotten to do something. She took a quick look around. The meal was neither romantic, nor friendly, it was all business. A simple casserole of her mother's recipe.

Oh, duh! I got a letter from Mom and Dad! she thought, heading over to the stack of mail waiting for her on the counter. She usually plucked out the bills and aviation magazines, and tossed the rest in the trash. Only by chance did she happen to see the writing on the letter.

She opened it quickly and began reading. Dash only had time to get through the greeting before a knock drew her attention. At altitude, her only visitors were pegasi, and she had a good idea of who these two might be.

Rainbow tucked the letter in a drawer and stopped to check her mane in the reflection of her kettle. She inhaled deeply, and exhaled slowly.

"Alright, Dash, you got this. They're your friends!" she said to herself as she strolled through her living room to answer the door.

On three. One... two... three!

She opened the door, and put on her best smile. A smile that quickly faded as her hoof let go of the handle. Before her stood a mountain of muscle, six stallions in all, as big as Bulk Biceps or bigger, each a different color. Some wearing sunglasses at 8:30 at night, others in tank tops emblazoned with one of many gyms or bodybuilding competitions.

As soon as the massive stallions saw her, they all grinned.

"Lil D!" they shouted in unison. Dash's vision blurred, and faded to black.

Her brothers had come to visit.

"Biff, get the water, she's coming to!"

Dash's eyes cracked open as her world swam into focus. Two of her brothers knelt over her as a third appeared with a glass of water, promptly throwing the contents in her face.

"Biff! That was for her to drink!"

The yellow stallion raised an eyebrow behind his sunglasses. "What? That's how you always woke me up!"

Dash sat up, sputtering and coughing. "What are you guys doing here?"

"We're in town for the Mr. Universe competition," Buff replied. "It's in Cloudsdale, but we spent all our cash on tickets, so we didn't have any left to get a hotel in the city."

"But then we remembered, Lil' D lives in Ponyville! Which is like, a hop away from Cloudsdale!" Smash said, walking in from the kitchen, holding a chunk of casserole in his hoof. "Dope casserole by the way, when did you learn how to make Mom's recipe?"

Rainbow's eyes shot open as she scrambled to her hooves. "Tell me there's still more..." She said to herself as she reached the kitchen in time to watch her brothers eat the remaining casserole. "You guys, that wasn't for you!"

Crash looked up from the now empty dish he was licking. "Sorry, Dash. You know we need protein after a pump!" Bash nodded, sitting across from his brother. "C'mon, you were gonna eat that whole thing by yourself?

"No! It was for—"

Biff stepped up behind her, noticing the set table. "Uh oh, I think lil D had a date tonight, boys!"

A cacophony of hoots echoed around her living room before they settle down. "Also, you know I don't judge, especially not you, lil sis, but I don't think it's smart to try and date two ponies at once."

Dash's face turned a bright red as she reached her boiling point. "Shut up, all of you!" Silence fell over the room. "It's not a date, it's me trying to land my dream job! There'll be plenty of time for all of you to ruin my career, but can you please let me get it started first?!" Dash looked around the room and only counted five stallions. "Wait... where is Gash?"

As if in response, she heard the door slam, the stallion in question striding up behind her. She didn't want to ask. In all honesty, she knew what he just did. However, her nightmare wouldn't be complete if she didn't hear it from the stallion's mouth. "Who was at the door?" she mewed weakly.

"Some chick and a guy in a suit. Epona's witnesses, probably. Don't worry, I sent them packing. So what's everybody so quiet for?"

Dash passed out once more.

Rainbow woke up in her bed, the light of the sun shooting into her bedroom and shining directly on her vintage, signed Wonderbolt poster. Perhaps it had all been a nightmare. She sat up in bed, rubbing a hoof to her sore forehead. She listened carefully for any sounds of her brothers, but heard nothing. Was it possible she had imagined the whole thing? Perhaps she had picked up the wrong kind of mushrooms from the grocery store?

She trotted out of her bedroom and into the kitchen. "Hello? Biff? Buff? You guys in here?" The kitchen was clean, and no sign of six rambunctious muscle-heads remained, save for a note taped to her cabinet.

Lil D, sorry about last night and ruining your three-way. Gone to lift things.
Love, St. Thickolas (Biff)

Dash sighed, taking the note in her mouth and walking to the couch in her living room. She flopped face down onto it and sighed. Well, at least the gym will keep them busy for a while. she thought. Wait... Ponyville doesn't have a gym. Dash shot up from the couch. If she knew one thing, it was that her brothers needed to lift like normal ponies needed to breathe. And their mother and father had punished them many times for power-lifting the couch and other furniture before they figured out they could lift anything that wasn't tied down in town.

Rainbow spit out the note and kicked her front door open, speeding towards town, hoping that she wouldn't find them bench-pressing city hall.

"Think, Rainbow, think! If I wanted to lift some of the heaviest things in town, where would I go?" It took no more than a few seconds for her to alter her course to Sweet Apple Acres. Outside the barn Biff's yellow coat an sunglasses gave him away as the Cutie Mark Crusaders helped him fill two empty cider barrels on either end of an iron bar with water.

"You see, kids, when it comes to getting a fresh pump, you can't cheat yourself. Go big or go home!" He said, flexing a bicep as Apple Bloom admired it. "Now, another thing essential to a gym sesh, is pre-workout powder. Mix it in with a cup of water, and chug it fifteen minutes before a workout. It feels like colors, and tastes like house music."

"Wow mister Biff, you think we could get our cutie marks in bein' huge?" she asked.

He smiled, the sunlight reflecting off his mirror finish shades. "Of course you can, little bro! Just like mine!" He turned to show her the bench press bar on his flank. "Now spot me, I'm gonna put up three-fifteen, I can feel it!"

Rainbow swooped in before he began his set. "Hold it! Biff, fillies are not spotters and you know it!"

"Well, yeah, they aren't now, but how will they ever be if they don't practice?"

"Biff! They're eight! They don't lift!"

"Pfft, I could have told you that, just look at them."

"Hey, we can lift if we wanna!" Apple Bloom said with a hoof stomp.

"Yeah! I already can lift a dozen apples!" Scootaloo added proudly, showing off her muscles as she struggled to raise the crate.

"What's all the ruckus out here?" Applejack and her brother came trotting out of the farmhouse. As soon as Biff racked the weight, he wiped the sweat from his brow and adjusted his glasses. Applejack's drew her hat down over her head to hide her cheeks. "W-well, howdy there. Rainbow, is this a friend of yours?"

Dash sighed. "Yeah, AJ, this is my brother, Biff."

The yellow stallion extended a hoof, oblivious to Applejack's unusual timidness. "Nice to meet ya!" He looked past the mare in the hat towards her stoic companion. He stared at him for a second, squinting in recollection before smiling again. "And you must be Big Red, right? Let me tell ya somethin' bro, I was once about your size. With a little sculpting, you could have trouble fitting through doors just like I do!"

"Er... alright. Big Macintosh's the name," he replied cooly.

"Right, Macintosh, sorry brother. Dash's told me all about you! She's got a huge crush on y—" Dash couldn't put a hoof over Biff's mouth fast enough.

"Ahaha, such a kidder, this guy!" Rainbow laughed. "Hey, glad you all got to meet him, but we have to go collect the other five rings of this six ring circus. See ya!" Dash took off, nearly dragging Biff behind her. Once they were at a safe altitude, she sat on a cloud. "Biff, can you please just wait for me at my house while I round up everyone else?" Her ears and wings drooped as she spoke. Biff extended a hoof to put on her shoulder, but withdrew it.

"I mean, sure lil D, I can hang out there." His tone had shifted considerably from earlier at the orchard. Dash turned to say something, but he was already out of earshot.

"Alright, let's just round up the rest of them," Dash said to herself, taking off towards town.

She found Buff at the town's playground of all places, with a crowd of young foals and their parents around him as he flexed.

"Sweet Celestia..." she groaned to herself as she approached.

"Now, I've been known by many names, and gone to many gyms. Some know me as Malcolm Flex, others, as the CEO of Macrohard, Bill Plates, and in some circles, the leading scientist on being jacked, Charles Barwin. But it doesn't matter what name you go by, as long as you look like you could bench press the moon."

He then began to perform one armed vertical push-ups.

"Uh, mister Buff, some doctors say excessive muscle mass is bad for your health, is that true?" A lanky young colt with a camera around his neck asked.

"Listen kid, doctors may have spent twelve years studying the body, but I spent twelve months building the body. Plus, I get my facts straight from the pony upstairs. And according to the Swoly Bible, you can never have too much mass."

The crowd oh'd and ahh'd as he spouted his 'wisdom' as he worked out.

"Mister Buff, you mentioned earlier something about a pump? Can you explain a little bit more about what it's like to get one of those?"

Buff smiled, never stopping his push-ups. "It's simple, a pump is like riding two jetski's at the same time, except one of those jetskis is a rhino that farts lightning, and the other is two jetskis."

Rainbow pushed her way through the crowd. "Buff! Can I talk to you for a second, please?"

He flipped back onto his hooves and smiled. "Check it out everyone, it's my little sis, Rainbow Dash!" he pulled her into a headlock before she could stop him and gave her a nuggie.

"Buff, knock it off!" she demanded, writhing in he iron grip, finally managing to break free. "Will you please, just head back to my place without lifting anything along the way?" Buff sensed a desperation in her voice that instantly humbled him.

"Sure D, no prob." He removed his sweaty tanktop and tossed it to featherweight, the soaked garment slapping him across the face.

"Thanks, Mister Buff!" he said enthusiastically.

"Don't mention it, kid, I was your size once!"

Alright, two down, four to go.

A gathering of ponies in the town square drew her attention as she landed to check out the commotion. Crash and Bash, along with Ponyvilles own resident musclehead Bulk Biceps were in the heat of a hoof wrestling match.

"C'mon Bash, you're weak! You gonna let this cupcake beat you?" The crowd cheered equally for both ponies, as the arms involved began to bulge and twitch.

"You're going... down, new meat!" Bulk replied through gritted teeth.

"What are you gonna do... when Bulk-amania goes wild on you, brother?!" Bulk hissed, gaining leverage against him by an inch.

Crash looked up and noticed Rainbow. "Lil' D!"

Bash glanced up, the momentary distraction enough for Bulk to gain the upper hoof and slam Bash's hoof against the crate.

"Oh Yeah!" Bulk shouted, standing and thrusting his hooves in the air. He turned around after waving to the crowd. "Good round bro, good round."

They bumped hooves as the crowd dispersed. "D, you made me lose!" Bash complained.

"Me?! You guys... can you just..." Dash put a hoof to her forehead. Can you guys please just head back to my place real quick?"

They looked at each other before glancing back at Dash. "Sure Dash, we'll see ya there."

Rainbow searched all over town, with no sign of Smash or Gash. After giving up, she recalled the one place she hadn't checked yet.

The small cottage on the edge of the forest was the last place in town. As she circled overhead, she spotted two huge bears chasing her brothers.

"Sweet Celestia!" she screamed, speeding towards them before both Smash and Gash turned, ready to face the charging bears. "Are you two crazy?!" she shouted.

"Just a little!" Gash replied, colliding with the bear and continuing to wrestle it.

"Fluttershy! Get out here, quick!"

Fluttershy rounded the corner, the picture of calm. "What's the matter, Rainbow?"

"What's the matter!?" Dash couldn't believe this even warranted an explanation. "Your bears are attacking my brothers!"

"Oh, that's not the case at all, Rainbow. Gash and Smash are just helping the bear brothers get some exercise. They rarely get the chance to work out with someone their size."

"Yeah, geez D, chillax," Gash replied, high fiving the bear.

"Will you two please, go back to my house! Now!"

"Alright..." They flew off towards her house, followed closely by Rainbow.

"I didn't even know Rainbow had brothers," Fluttershy said to Angel as he shrugged.

"Wait, I didn't even know you had brothers," Twilight said, sipping her tea in the friendship throne room.

"I know, nobody did."

"Well, why didn't you tell us about them earlier?"

Dash narrowed her eyes at Twilight. "Why didn't you tell us about Shining earlier?"

Twilight nodded. "Point taken."

"Anyway, it's just that... they blow into town, no warning, no nothing, I haven't talked to them in years, they eat all my food and just blow back out of town again! Is that messed up, or what?"

Twilight rubbed her chin, shifting in her chair. "It is pretty rude, but maybe this is their attempt to re-connect with you. Maybe they didn't know of any other way, other than just to show up and act like everything's good." Twilight sipped her tea and winced. It was still very hot. "Take it from me, brothers can be pretty thick-headed."

"I dunno Twilight, maybe I over-reacted..."

"Look, they're still at your house, right? It's not to late to apologize and make amends, you know?"

Dash stood from her crystal chair. "I guess you're right. By the way, get some cushions for these thrones. They suck on your lower back."

Rainbow took off out of her usual window as Spike brought a tray of gems to the table. "What was that about?"

"Rainbow's brothers embarrassed her, but she probably over-reacted and now she feels bad about it. That's about it."

Spike popped a gem into his mouth. "Wow, that's a pretty succinct summary. Almost makes this whole day kinda pointless, huh?"

Twilight took another sip of tea. "Yeah, it kinda does, doesn't it?"

"Alright boys, lil D is pretty upset, and looking back on it, we did just kinda use her as a bed and breakfast," Buff said to his brothers in Rainbow's living room.

"That, and we didn't even make any plans to spend time with her, or get her to lift, or pump her up, or any of the stuff good big brothers do," Bash agreed.

Biff stood from the couch, removing his sunglasses for the first time in any of their recent memories. "Fellow beefcakes, I know what we have to do. Now, hear me out, but if we are all in agreement, and we can pull this off, we'll have our Lil D back."

After the plan was hatched, Rainbow pushed open the door, more defeated than any of them had ever seen their spunky younger sister.

"D, we've got something to tell you. We wanted to apologize for using you like we have been."

Dash looked up at all of them. For the first time since they arrived, she smiled. "Actually, you guys, I wanted to apologize for being such a jerk in town today." Dash sat on the arm of the couch and sighed. "The truth is... you guys kinda... bum me out—B-but not because of who you are, I love you guys! The thing is... you guys are everything you wanted to be. You've reached your dreams, you're all huge! But me... I've tried and tried to be a Wonderbolt, but the closest I've ever come is the reserves!" Rainbow sighed. "It's just, seeing you guys living your dream, going to competitions and winning, just reminds me that I still haven't reached mine..."

Silence overtook the bros as they absorbed what their little sister had just dropped on them. "Rainbow, you've saved the world! Like, more than once! Sure, we can lift, but we can't kick a dragon in the face!" Buff replied.

"Yeah, and as glorious as we look with a full pump and plenty of baby oil, there's no way we could take on Discord!"

"Pfft, unless the goal was to catch him 'mirin," Gash whispered to Crash.

"Lil' D, we're sorry we messed up your dinner with those Wonderbolt guys, so we came up with a plan to make it up to you."

Dash felt a bolt of unease run through her stomach. "A plan?"

The Beefcake Brigade exchanged knowing glances.

"Leave it to us, D."

Dear Princess Celestia,

So, my brothers came in for a surprise visit, and initially, they ruined nearly everything I'd worked for. On top of that, they were pretty much using my house as a hotel! So in return, I was a pretty big jerk to them. But, they surprised me by actually apologizing and, they had a plan to make it up to me! At first, I was worried. After all, my brothers aren't exactly bright. So, what'd they do? They sold their tickets to Mr. Universe and used the money to get me a seat at the Wonderbolt charity fundraiser, and donated a ton of bits in my name! And all they wanted in return was to drink at the bar across the street! They didn't even get into that many brawls while I was in there chatting it up with Spitfire and Soarin.

So, I guess if I learned anything, it's that you can pick your friends, but not your family. So with that in mind, I learned it's never too late to re-connect with your loved ones, and in the end, just like solid friendships, family is forever, and will stick by your side no matter what.

Sincerely, Rainbow Dash.

PS, Here's us outside the Fundraiser in Cloudsdale! It was a blast!

Princess Celestia smiled at the picture, before folding the scroll and setting it aside on her pillow. She sipped a cup of hot cocoa in her still chamber. Setting it down, she stared at the scroll.

"Why do they keep sending me these? I haven't been able to make head or tail of Rainbow's writing since day one."

Author's Note

So, allow me to show you the formula for this story:

Broscience videos + Cover Image= this fic. Some portmanteaus were borrowed from those vids, so credit to them, I guess.