They think I’m confident. Brash. Cocky. A little arrogant. That’s because I make them think that. What they don’t know is who I really am. I am small. Alone. Afraid.
When they hear the name Rainbow Dash, they picture a sports star, destined for great things. I guess that’s me. I’m not really sure anymore. Nobody knows who I actually am. Not really. I talk myself up. I say I can do all of these amazing things, and when someone actually questions me, I just pray to god that it works. I’ve been lucky so far. But one day I’m going to slip up. I know it. Will it be on purpose? So they’ll know who the real me is?
I get up every day, plaster a fake smile on my face, and pretend to be happy. I don’t feel like smiling though. I feel like crying most of the time. I am loyal. That is who I am. That is not who my family or friends are. One day they might just leave me, yet I will still love them. They could do any horrible thing to me, and I could pretend to hate them, but I won’t be able to. Because of my goddamn loyalty.
I don’t think they will leave me. At least I didn’t. But during the battle of the bands, Applejack, my so called best friend didn’t seem to have any trouble ditching me. Maybe it was just my imagination, but the others seemed to follow her lead. Gilda, from primary school, had no trouble leaving me behind. I had to pick between her or my other friends, and I couldn’t, so she left. She had no obligations to stay. So why do I still care so much about her? Why do I have to stay so loyal to her?
The only time I let myself cry is when it rains. That way no one can see the tears. I’ll tell them I’m training for soccer, and they won’t question me. What they don’t know is what I really do. I go to the cemetery. It makes me feel sad. It makes my reason for crying seem less superficial. All of these people, buried 6 feet down, they have a reason to be sad. My reasons feel small when I’m there. Even though it makes me sad, I feel as though when I leave, I have less to be sad about. If that makes sense.
Sometimes I go see Applejack’s parents. Their grave is right under a big tree. Applejack has a better reason to be sad than I do. Her parents are dead. She should be angry and bitter. I never met them, but I bet I would’ve liked them. AJ is always so happy. Maybe she felt enough sadness when she was younger, when they first died. Maybe I just haven’t felt enough sadness yet, and that’s why I go to the cemetery. I sit under the big tree, and the rain falls. It falls so hard sometimes that it gets in my eyes and everything turns blurry. At this point, I usually go home. If I felt enough sadness that day, I just go home.
I like it when it rains. I like the noise it makes. It has to be a hard, strong rain though. It has to rain like it has a purpose, if that makes sense. Like the clouds have just opened up, and are crying just like me. If I told anyone about this, they would just say I’m crazy. They would say I’m depressed or something. But I’m not. I just like feeling sad sometimes. But only when it rains.
Sometimes I’ll be caught off guard at school, and someone will ask me what’s wrong. I just flash my trademark cocky grin, and they leave me alone. If I do crack, and lose my guard, I guess I have a lot to lose. My friends will leave me, yet I will still remain loyal to them. They don’t have to worry about that. Pinkie can make anyone laugh; it doesn’t just have to be people she loves. Same with Applejack. And Rarity. And Fluttershy. And Twilight. Each of their ‘gifts’ can be applied to anything, or anyone. But not loyalty. I will defend anyone, and who knows if they would do the same for me? I love my friends and family with all of my heart, and I like to think they feel the same, but is that my just my loyalty speaking?
That’s why I’m sad. Imagine, being in love with someone, and not knowing if they like you back. That’s my life, but with every kind of relationship. I try not to get to clingy, and to act confident, but on the inside I’m terrified that I’m going to end up alone and broken. The only time I can let my feelings out is when it rains.
I try to be grateful for all that I have. I know that I’m lucky, not everyone has a roof over their head or food to eat. But every day I think of all of the people from my past. I am still so attached to them, but they probably don’t even remember my name. And that breaks my heart. I feel like I am out of love to give. I am full of all the people that I care about, but my loyal instincts will just keep packing names and faces into my heart until I burst. And I don’t want to hurt them in the crossfire of when that happens. Because I will care so damn much about them, but never know if that’s how they feel about me.
Most of these thoughts come to me at night. It’s usually hard to sleep, with all of the thoughts running around in my brain. I sleep best when I can hear the pitter-patter of rain on the roof. It reminds me of the sadness I feel at the cemetery, and how I feel a little bit less sad when I leave. Even if it just lasts for a short time, it’s the most I’ve got right now. And eventually I fall asleep.
I wake up, and get ready for the day ahead of me. I plaster on my fake smile, and wear it until my head hits the pillow.
Unless it rains.
