Author’s Note: This story is ridiculously stupid. Do not take it seriously in any way shape or form.
Twilight sat on the floor of her library, deeply immersed in a book about old Equestrian lore. The story she was reading told of an ancient pony named Hooflock, who had saved his village from the Griffons by inviting them to a glorious feast. Apparently Hooflock had his cooks prepare the best food they could muster, and the final meal turned out so absolutely delicious that the Griffons couldn't live without having some more.
Twilight's stomach grumbled loudly, reminding her that she hadn't eaten anything all day. She sighed. It looked like the stories of ancient Equestrian history would have to wait.
She got up and walked to her kitchen. She looked through the cupboards one by one. Each of them were empty, except the last one, which had one old can of beans. Twilight picked the thing up with her magic and examined the label. They were apparently still good.
"Well, I suppose this is better than nothing." she said, grabbing a can opener from a drawer.
She dumped the beans into a small pot, put the pot over a medium fire, and waited with a large amount of attention. Every so often, she stirred the beans with a wooden spoon and tested the temperature, but they were taking quite a while to cook, longer than Twilight had anticipated. If she'd known they were gonna take this long, she'd have gotten her book from the library. Now it would probably be too late to do something like that because by the time she'd get back, the cooking would be done.
Finally, after a while longer, the beans were the perfect temperature to eat. She got herself a bowl and spoon and dumped the beans into the bowl. She levitated the bowl of beans into her library and sat down next to her book. She ate the beans as she read the book. They didn't taste very good, but that didn't matter because Equestrian lore was a fascinating subject.
"Hey, Twilight, what are you doing?"
Twilight looked up from her book. It was Spike.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" she said, stuffing some beans into her mouth and swallowing them.
"... it looks like you’re eating the beans."
"That's exactly what I'm doing." Twilight said, smiling, "Do you have a problem with that?"
"... I guess not."
Spike left the room with his shoulders slumped. Twilight continued to eat the beans and read the book. She was completely enraptured by a tale of a pony named Sophmore, who had convinced an entire army that he was invincible by simple sleight-of-hand tricks. The army apparently made him their king.
"Hey, Twilight, what're ya doin'?"
Twilight looked up from her book. It was Applejack. Twilight stuffed some more beans into her mouth.
"Whaf foes it look like I'm foing?"
"It looks like yall are eatin' the beans." Applejack said.
"Fat's exacfly whaf I'm foing." Twilight said, swallowing the beans, "Do you have a problem with that?"
Applejack stared at Twilight for a few seconds as she continued to stuff beans in her mouth.
Applejack left the room with slumped shoulders.
Twilight went back to reading her book, and soon, she was enraptured by a story about an ancient princess named Waffle, who had thought she was a boy until she was eighteen years old.
“Hey, Twilight, what’s going on?”
Twilight looked up from her book. It was Rainbow Dash.
“What do you think is going on?” Twilight said, stuffing some beans into her mouth.
“I think you’re eating the beans.”
“Fat’s exacfly whaf’s foing on.” Twilight said, swishing the beans in her mouth, “Fo you hafe a proflem wif fat?”
Twilight swallowed the beans. The two mares stared at each other for a long moment of silence. Twilight stuffed another spoonful of beans into her mouth. She chewed them once. She chewed them again. She chewed them again. She swished them around in her mouth. She swallowed them. The two ponies continued to stare at each other.
Rainbow Dash hovered out of the room with slumped shoulders.
Twilight went back to reading her book, stuffing some more beans into her mouth. Soon enough, she was enraptured by a story about a mare who sang a song so loudly that the creatures of darkness came from the bottom of the earth to kill her. Apparently they couldn’t communicate with each other due to the noise, which made them fail in their task.
“Um.... Twi--”
“Whaf doef if loof life I’m foooing!” Twilight said, spitting the beans into the bowl.
She looked up from her book to see who spoke. It was Fluttershy.
“...”
Fluttershy left the room with slumped shoulders.
Twilight went back to eating the beans and reading the book. Soon enough, she was engrossed by the story of an old mare named Horse who apparently ate a ten foot tall piece of cheese in front of a large audience of people.
“Why Twilight, darling, what on earth are you ea--”
Twilight spat the beans directly into Rarity’s face.
The two mares stared at each other. The wet beans slowly slid down Rarity’s cheeks.
Twilight stuffed some more beans into her mouth as they continued to stare.
Twilight chewed the beans.
Twilight swallowed the beans.
Rarity left the room with slumped shoulders.
Twilight went back to reading the book. In a heartbeat, she was captivated by the story of a lonely little unicorn who was so lonely that she created several imaginary friends. Apparently, when the ponies of the town finally found her, she was put in an insane asylum.
“Hey, Twilight, did you know that bunnies are animals?”
“WHAT DO Y-- huh?” Twilight said, looking up from her book. It was Pinkie Pie.
“And that cheetahs are fast.” Pinkie said.
“...CH--CHEETAHS?”
“And castles are made out of bricks.”
“...wh--gh--”
“Rocks are hard, water is wet. horses have hooves, and jelly is sweet.”
“...”
“Ooh, also books are made of paper… and, and trees? They’re made of wood.”
“...why are you--”
“Red is a color, rubber has an R, yes is not no, clothes are made of fabric, and pie is yummy. ”
“..........”
Twilight farted.
The End.
