Twilight Gets Hit in the Head With A Bible

by Gamer Brash

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy
Length: 1034

A copy of "The Student Bible, New International Version" inexplicably smacks Twilight in the horse's cerebellum.

The Narrator chucks his Bible at Twilight Sparkle's head, knocking her out cold.
When she recovers, she learns about a bipedal race called "Man" and how they fell from perfection, and how the deity known as "God" sent His only Son to die and rise from the dead in order to save them.
Eventually, Twilight reads all there is to read in it, and obsessively insists upon reading it more. The Narrator then adds to her Biblical studies by... What else? Chucking more books at her, of course!

Published 2015-02-04 17:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-02-06 17:15:36 UTC

Chapter 1 - Twilight is bored, so I threw a book at her. THE book.

Chapter 1 - Twilight is bored, so I threw a book at her. THE book.

Hi. I'm known simply as The Narrator. I'm part of an organization that keeps tabs on every fictional character imagined. Meaning, I'm not the only one... You should see the guy in the Twilight Saga department. I swear, more Narrators are cycled through there than I can count. I don't envy them. I keep saying vampires should eat people, not sparkle at or kiss 'em.

Why would we need to keep track of fictional characters, you ask?

Well, as it would turn out, they're not so fictional. Remember that imaginary friend you had when you were a kid? He or she, or... It, became real at some point, existing in a universe all it's own. Now, unfortunately for imaginary friends, they don't become quite as established. Their world falls apart as soon as the person who imagined them grows up. However, in the case of established fictions such as The Lord of the Rings, The Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, and many others, they end up having their own plane of existence because people enjoy them into adulthood. Them nerds... Gotta love 'em.

Due to the sheer popularity, I was assigned to keep track of the universe contained in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. At first, I didn't understand why a bunch of grown men were enthralled with it... Until I spent time watching them. These girls tug at my heartstrings just so...! The following are a series of observances in which I interacted indirectly with the characters. The one rule we have as Narrators: Never directly interfere. We may place objects, guide events forward, even help them. But we cannot communicate with the characters directly.

Now that the confusing part's been explained, here are my stories.

I watched Princess Twilight Sparkle pace back and forth in her room. This was normal for her, always worrying... But tonight seemed different.
Tonight, she seemed to be pacing out of restlessness. I grinned as I poured another mug of coffee.

"There's just... Nothing... To... DO!" Twilight shouted in frustration. "I've read every book in my library... FIFTY TIMES!" She wasn't exaggerating. She had been pacing out of boredom for the last two hours, and a groove was starting to be worn into the floor.

I watched as Spike came up the stairs, and poked his head in. "Twilight, what are you worrying about now? I'm trying to sleep."

Twilight sighed. "I'm sorry, Spike. I didn't mean to keep you up. I'm actually not worrying for once. I'm just... Bored!"

Spike, not knowing the context of why, responded, "Then read a book!"

Twilight's eye twitched, and her neck with it. "That's just the problem, Spike! I've read everything I own over and over and over, and when that was done, I read some more! And it will be another 3 months before they're done getting me all the books that were ruined by Tirek!" exclaimed Twilight, with extreme annoyance.

Spike appeared concerned. "You need a hobby."

I laughed to myself, almost sputtering on my drink. As if being princess, owning thousands of books, having a close-knit circle of friends weren't enough to keep her busy. Speaking of, have you tried knitting?

"That's just it, Spike! Nothing interests me besides my friends and reading anymore. All I want is more books to pour over." complained Twilight.

"I don't know what to tell you, Twilight. Since you became a princess, you were given all the books Equestria has to offer. Unless you learn another language and start reading Zebra literature, you're pretty much stuck." replied Spike apologetically.

Hm... All the books Equestria has to offer? I wonder... I started to sort through the mess in my darkened observatory room. Where did I...?
Under this folder? That file, these papers...? This three-week-old pizza box...? Where did I leave that last Wednesday...?

"That would take too long... Even if I went and asked Zecora." said Twilight.

"Well, at least try to keep it down. Good night, Twilight." Spike gave up, as he turned to leave.

"Good night, Spike." Twilight said with the gentleness usually evident when addressing him.

Ah-HA! Found it! Now, to blot out anything that would count as communicating... That note there... This one here... Oh, crud! Not the "Presented To" page! Oh, well... I glanced back at the monitor...

Twilight kept pacing. Back, and forth, back and forth, rinse and repeat. This is my chance.

Well, Twilight... I think it's time you read something that isn't from Equestria.

I picked up my Bible, kissed it goodbye, and threw the black leather-bound, library-in-one masterpiece with all the force I could muster. All 66 books from Genesis to Revelation went hurdling through the air, through the monitor, and across the dimensions... And right into the back of her head. Woops... Guess I've got a lot to learn as a Narrator.

Or about throwing books, if that's even a thing. Hm. I'll have to Google that.

"AHH!" Twilight cried as she was knocked out cold. The purple pony princess lay sprawled out, and a puddle of drool was starting to form as her orange pony tongue hung out like it was the weekend.

Really wish she could hear me so that I could apologize...! Too bad, that would break the rules.

In any case, she'll have a lot of studying to do when she wakes up. I wonder what Rainbow's up to...?
I settled in, this time cracking open a can of soda and tuning into different ponies' feeds. I won't have to worry about Twilight 'till morning.

<<<(The Next Morning )>>>

The world came back into focus for Twilight Sparkle the next morning. She winced at the massive headache of Biblical proportions that had formed overnight. "Ugh... What happened...? Oooh, what's this book!? Spike! Spiiiiiike!! I found something new to read!"

Heh. Or did it find you, Twilight?

Author's Note

Yeah, I literally sat there and said, "What if I threw my Bible at her?" and this happened. Sorry, not sorry.
Yes, I am a Christian. All I ask for is respect.
Keep the comments section a mature and thought-provoking atmosphere.

Chapter 2 - Discord Contributes to a Future Aneurysm and Twilight Learns About Creation

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