How to get from Virginia to Equestria

I was returning from my job at Taco Bell. Minding my own business, I earned my pay for the week, Nothing special about that job, But it is better than nothing, I have never went as far as Florida on any trip, I was walking around the corner when I saw them, First guy was about 6ft 5 carrying a metal baseball bat with razor wire wrapped around it...

"This can't be good..." I mumbled, knowing what trouble lies ahead

Baseball sees me, 'YOUR DEAD PONYBOY" he yells

"Oh shit" I said.

It did not take me long to figure out why they intend to beat me to a pulp. You see. I live in the part of Virginia where you cannot throw a rock without hitting a redneck in the face, or worse, hitting his can of chewing tobacco... (note. don't mess with a redneck's snuff. he will make you see the face of god). And these rednecks, you see, I messed up their orders and did not give them the refund, which is why they intend to either beat me to death. Or at least half way there, before I could react. Baseball was on me, and he laid his weapon of choice right into the side of my head, Knocking me to the ground and giving my head a nice bloody gash. Damn. I'm going to need stiches. I manage to grab the first thing I can to fight back. A 2x4 wood beam, I sweep Baseball's legs out from under him and get a good hit to his chest, But before I can double back and get his tower of a brother, I get his nightstick square in the nose, It's broken, Bleeding badly. Baseball then gets up and pins me to the ground.

"What the fuck are you doing this for" I roared.

"You have already tried this once, and I stomped a mud hole in your asses" I yelled at them.

In truth, these guys had tried this before and I had mopped the floor with their faces, but that was when they did not have weapons, currently pinned to ground. I manage to get one final strike in before the real beating begins; I get Nightstick right in the face with a well-aimed kick. He doubles back in pain.

"You just signed your death notice faggot", I hear baseball say right before he begins to lay his fist into my face and stomach.

His brother then joins him. I'm getting the shit beaten out of me, just because I screwed up some rednecks burrito, and this is what I could die for.

"So many dumb reasons to die", I start to say before I get my face stepped on, Breaking my jaw.

I endure several more blows to the face before it ends my life flashes before my eyes; I see everything that has happened to me. and that may or may not happen to me now, Then next thing I know, They have grabbed their weapons and proceed to finish their job, Thankfully one of those dudes land a nice headshot and I am KO'ED, Lights out, Naturally, They think I'm dead, Last thing I see them do before I pass out is take my wallet, And take all the money out, Damn it I earned that money well, Then they throw down the wallet and walk away, Last thing I hear is these words...

"Die faggot" Baseball says as he gets in one final blow to the side of my head

After that, it was lights out